Pop Culture, Television

Quarantine Bingies

Being holed up in your home for the past month or two means LOTS of TV time. Realistically it should also mean lots of reading time but most of these shows I’m about to recommend were based on books anyway so you’re really killing two birds with one stone here. (JK, I’m a book nerd and I stand by the fact that books are better than movies, but that opinion doesn’t really align with laying horizontally for 10 hours straight watching an entire series in your pajamas.) You know all those things that have been sitting on your “watch list”, well no excuses now. Play like a champ and smash “I’m still watching.” I’ve done a little recon for you and I’ll let you know below which new series to consume in full immediately, and which ones you’ll be #blessed to miss out on.

SKIP

Tiger King – Netflix.

This one came out early quarantine and me telling you to skip it is a WILDLY unpopular opinion but honestly it was a dirt doc and I’m not afraid to shout it from the rooftops. The premise of the doc was to uncover the weird, trashy world of exotic animal owners and ended up mostly following the feud between Joe Exotic and Carole Baskin and an eventual jail sentencing for Joe attempting to do a murder for hire. The documentary is 7 episodes too long. There’s episodes that dive into things that could have their own doc and are completely irrelevant to the story, then they gloss over things like someone committing suicide in front of someone else. I’m not going to go on and on about this doc because you’ve most likely heard about it non-stop since it was released. There were certainly entertaining parts as you watch the underbelly of white trash commit crimes and bang each other, it’s a lot like a horrific car wreck that you can’t look away from. But don’t waste 7 hours of your life on it. Just watch a highlight reel of Joe Exotic if you want to be in the know. On TOP of that, there have been two specials released since the world became obsessed with  the story–no new info was provided, they were both basically repeats of what we already knew and now everyone in Hollywood is fighting over who should play these “characters” in a movie. WHY DO WE NEED A MOVIE OF A DOCUMENTARY? WE ALREADY SAW THE STORY IRL, WE DON’T NEED TO THEN WATCH A MOVIE SO I CAN SEE NICHOLAS CAGE PLAY JOE EXOTIC. Obviously I’m very triggered about this because it takes everything that is lazy and un-inventive about Hollywood and magnifies it. We didn’t have a movie made about Making A Murderer. We just tweeted about getting justice for Steven Avery and Brendan Dassey and made fun of how the entire Dassey/Avery compound answered the phone “Yeah? Yeah.” for a few months before forgetting completely about it. And you know what?! That’s what we should’ve done with Joe Exotic. Laughed at a few memes and the fact that there are people in this world who take wedding photos with their husband on a leash in a one-shouldered tiger toga and move on with our merry lives.

PS the more attention we give these trash machines, the richer they become and as someone that is forever in debt, that is NOT something I can support.

Normal People – Hulu.

I didn’t have high hopes for this show because it is one of the very few books that I gave up on after a couple of chapters. I have an annoying habit of not being able to not finish something that I’ve started even if it’s horrible, so I only have a few movies/books I’ve ditched halfway through –so you KNOW this one really stinks on ice. Then everyone was buzzing about how it was made into a TV show and how obsessed they were and I was like eh let’s give it another shot, maybe it’s more visually stimulating than the book. It was not. There is literally no substance to this show, it’s the blandest thing on this earth–at times I literally felt like it was moving in slow motion. It’s like staring at a glass of skim milk for 12 episodes–their only saving grace is that they’re 30 minute-rs, thank God because the hour long epis for all these new shows were starting to wear on me. This series follows a friends with benefits sitch between a weird, smart girl and a popular athlete. Tale as old as time, the athlete wants her to keep it a secret that they’re having sex and basically treats her like dog shit yet still bones her every day after school. (The series also follows them throughout college.) He’s not even attractive so we can’t even call him a hot douche, and the story takes place in Ireland, so I had to use subtitles to even know what the hell they’re all saying. There’s a LOT of sex, so if you’re into Irish softcore porn, this series is for you. Otherwise, you can get the same amount of bland plain bagel boning by turning on E! this weekend as they undoubtedly show another 50 Shades of Grey marathon for the 500th Saturday in a row. ALSO: let this be a lesson to any TV show moving forward, if you play Hide and Seek by Imogen Heap, the only thing I’ll be seeing is Marissa Cooper shooting Trey to stop him from kicking Ryan’s ass…so putting in the background of a montage of you banging just won’t work. That song retired out of the TV game with the OC and everyone knows it.

Double also, props to me for sticking it through all 12 episodes and you cannot even for a second try to convince me that the lead girl isn’t Anne Hathaway 10 years ago. It’s creepy as hell and I spent most of the time wondering if Anne traveled back in time to do this show because I was so bored and I had a lot of time on my hands to brainstorm.

Marianne Normal People 5

Hollywood – Netflix.

I gave this one episode. I know that’s kind of cheating and shit but I knew from that one episode that I wasn’t going to be into it. JK I knew when I heard it was a Ryan Murphy joint that I wasn’t going to be into it. So this is more a personal preference skip. If you, like me, think everything Ryan Murphy does is sensory overload then opt outta this one. It’s a re-imagining of the start of Hollywood basically but with more inclusion on sexuality and race. Since Ryan Murphy is a big ole big booty baller in Hollywood (the real one, not the Netflix one) he’s got budgets through the roof so there’s a heavyweight cast of A-listers and the set/visuals are movie quality. Unfortunately for me, (as you might have also assumed from my previous review of Normal People) I’m just not into watching shows where everyone bangs each other…and that’s pretty much how this one started out. So it’s a no for me dawg, but make your own grown up decisions about if you’ll like it.

Upload – Amazon Prime.

Honestly, it says a lot about the quality TV they’ve been dropping during Quarantine that I’m scrounging for stuff that’s so bad, I’m telling you not to waste time that you have seemingly endless amounts of watching. This was another personal preference skip but not because it’s a bad show…just because thinking about death and what happens after we die gives me MAJOR anxiety. I tend to avoid shows that deal with the afterlife because who the hell wants to think about that, especially right now?! So I gave it one episode and was like ok I need to quit…then in the last few minutes of episode one, they trickled in a little mystery and suddenly I was starting episode 4 in the same sitting. So like I said, to each his own. This futuristic series (just picked up for season 2) follows the untimely death of a young guy in a world where you can choose to just die and go to heaven, or you can choose to be uploaded to a simulated world and become an avatar like you’re in Sims heaven or something. Also, real world can communicate with uploaded world. Super weird stuff all around. I don’t typically like to think this hard about how things work in a made up world when I’m watching TV (plus DEATH) but it’s actually pretty funny–same creators as The Office & Parks and Rec–and like I said, there’s a little bit of mystery to how he died and damnit if I get hooked by a mystery EVERY TIME. Plus Robby Amell ain’t too shabby to look at, amirite ladies?! And there’s a love story to it as well. Truly something for everyone! [Update: I finished the series in a day and will absolutely be tuning in for season 2 to find out what happened. Sue me.]

Middleditch & Schwartz – Netflix.

I was pretty amped up to check this one out because I have a huge boner for everything that Ben Schwartz does. I’ll watch any movie he’s in and instantly like it, I’ve even been dabbling in indies just because he’s the lead so I guess you could say Ben Schwartz has made me supes cultured. Plus, as I’ve yapped about before, he gave us Jean Ralphio and nothing can top singing stupidity. Now that I’ve gone deep in the B.Schwartz droolfest, I regret to inform you that I lost interest in this almost immediately. It’s a short series–only 3 episodes and the first time that a full improv show has ever been brought to TV (not just bits like Whose Line is it Anyway.) And if I might add my two cents, I’m not sure that it translated. I had a super hard time keeping up with what characters they were playing and following the story. Definitely a few laughs here and there but way too much brain work for comedy. I guess I’m too dumb for improv so I’ll just tuck my tail between my legs and go back to watching low budge flicks featuring Ben.

 

WATCH

Little Fires Everywhere – Hulu.

Based on a book, this one was a Reese Witherspoon specialty. Typically I read every single book that Reese recommends and then her all-ladiezzzz production company turns the book around into a very dramats series with a bunch of A-list actresses. It’s a win, win really. The story follows a mom and daughter who move around a lot and barely scrape by, everything they own fitting in a car. They move into an elite neighborhood in Ohio and a super ritzy family rents out an apt to them then the kids become friends and their lives are intertwined but it’s very clearly a class struggle and the two moms hate each other’s guts. The series has Reese and Kerry playing the two moms and added race as a main focus to the story as well. Despite the fact that Kerry Washington’s only face for the entire series is this with a quivering lip:

kerry

Which is annoying beyond belief, the rest of the cast managed to act their asses off without a weird face. The last episode was definitely the best, special shout out to my boy Joshua Jackson who kind of stayed under the radar for the whole thing then had an epic shouty meltdown in the last epi that had me triumphantly raising my fist from the couch. Bonus points that the story takes place in the 90’s and therefore has the best music–Chumbawamba, Mariah Carey, Alanis Morisette, Collective Soul, 2Pac…all the classics. If I may add my final words of wisdom, however, let’s leave this at a one and done. The book ended the same way, we don’t need to unearth multiple seasons of everything. Learn your lesson from the giant waste that was Big Little Lies season 2, Reesey Piecey. I don’t need an entire season dedicated to a Meryl Streep cameo with no plot. Tysm.

Never Have I Ever – Netflix.

The latest in Mindy Kaling projects, this one is definitely the most inclusive peek at high school you’ll ever see (or I’ll ever see…I don’t know where you went to high school but the FM Hornets were not aflush with black, Indian & Asian teens.) It follows an Indian-American sophomore who just lost her dad and is trying to cope with that while also smooch boys and be a cool sixteen year old except that she’s a real nerd-bomber. Narrated by John McEnroe for an interesting twist–and making it feel much more acceptable to watch as an adult, it has the typical sassy Mindy writing that I love and plenty of awksies teen moments. The real hero of this show is main character Devi’s mom, who has to tolerate her salty AF daughter and knows just how to put her in her place–like not making bagel bites for her and her friends as an after school snack because Devi called her a bitch. A bagel bite-less homework sesh is the worst kind of punishment if you ask me. I used to eat a hot pocket with soda every day after school so if my mom ever took my snacks away I’d run away from home too. But anyway, I was expecting this to be a real uproarious teen comedy with some To All the Boys I’ve Loved Before teen crush vibes…but it was actually much more emotional than I expected. I teared up a few times and thought they had a good mix of funny and sad plus a great cast of characters that all pulled their weight in different ways. AND they left it hanging on a love triangle cliff hanger, which I’m nothing if not a sucker for. Sign me up for season 2, yo.

Dave – FX/Hulu.

I’m going to preface this one with a little “it’s not for everyone” disclaimer (Mom and Dad, I’m looking at you.) If you’re not familiar with Lil Dicky at this point, then if I had to guess, you won’t enjoy this show. Lil Dicky is famous for being a white Jewish rapper who can spit bars but mostly raps about funny stuff and makes himself the butt of the joke. I’ve blogged about him here and there for his ridiculous tunes and when I heard he was making a semi-autobiographical show, I gave it a chance fully realizing that I have no street cred. BUT the great news is, neither does Dave/Lil Dicky, which made me feel right at home. The show follows him and his weirdo friends as he chases his dream of becoming a rapper. There’s a couple of early episodes that are touch and go but he really hits his stride toward the end of the season and the second to last episode had everything from a family wedding with an emotional toast to diarrhea in the woods. A real emotional rollercoaster, if you will. I literally cried real tears, both from laughing so hard at the poop and sadness from the maid of honor speech (no spoilers.) Dave has the ability to create a real storyline for an episode and then typically tie it into a song by the end. Mad props for creating something original and interesting in TV times where nothing is original, and tossing in a Kourtney Kardashian/Justin Bieber cameo for the basic betches too. Also, Gata is hands down one of the coolest characters and I would like to be his friend.

The Last Dance – ESPN. (Final two episodes to air this Sunday)

I feared that I wasn’t the target demo for this one because I’m not a boy who was born before 1990 and the only thing I know Michael Jordan from is Space Jam. However, propelled by my severe FOMO when Twitter only talked about MJ every Sunday night, I decided to give it a whirl and I was PLEASANTLY surprised, which compelled me to include it in this list even though the entire series isn’t available yet, but will be after this weekend. Plus credit where credit is due, this doc was set to be released in June and everyone was so desp during quarantine that ESPN threw us an early bone. Also, it’s about time because the majority of the footage they created this with is 22 years old and was just legit collecting dust until Jordan finally said IT’S TIME. As someone who knows literally nothing about Michal Jordan’s career, especially the 1997-1998 season, I find the doc very interesting and I can’t wait to see what happens! Will they win the championship again? Will Phil Jackson furrealz get the boot? Will Scottie Pippen ever grow into his teeth? Will Bugs Bunny take down the Monstars? I CAN’T WAIT TO FIND OUT. Other things I’d love clarification on: why the hell did all of the Bulls chew gum on the court like their jaws were going to stop working at any moment? As someone who has accidentally kept gum in her mouth during gym class, I can tell you that it only makes you thirstier and the gum gets rock hard much more quickly when you’re salivating for some agua. Weird move by that team. Is that what made them so good? Did they have a Winterfresh sponsorship? Also, why does MJ have milky yellow eyeballs? Feel free to report back to me with legitimate or silly answers to any of these questions. This is what ESPN gets for a non-target demo consuming their product. Sorry not sorry. [Last minute tag-on comment: my favorite two episodes so far have been 7 & 8 as they jump us back and forth from the early 90’s to the late 90’s making ties to where Michael was emotionally in those time periods and drawing parallels. And if that sentence just made me sound like an educated film critic, let me completely ruin that by saying THE best part of these two episodes was how much Michael Jordan called his teammate a ho. Bully Jordan is WAY more hilarious to watch than gambling Jordan. Couldn’t stop giggling. May LaBradford Smith rest in peace.]

Outerbanks – Netflix.

I was fully prepared to put this on the skip list after hearing mixed reviews and feeling like the only positive reviews came from people much younger than me. Advertised as a cross between The OC and The Goonies, Outerbanks just didn’t seem like it’d be for me. Then I started it one night and finished it by the next afternoon, gripped the entire time. I’m half and half about recommending it because I don’t know that I would want to be that stressed again while watching TV. So I guess if you’re looking to be on the edge of your seat and having a whole lot of anxiety at dumb teenagers doing everything they can to put themselves in danger, then definitely watch this. If you’re just looking for a hot teen drama (like I originally was) this probz isn’t for you. There was FAR more violence than I was anticipating. Like every episode the same 4 characters get their asses kicked to the point where I genuinely wonder how they’re all alive, let alone not severely injured. They all just manage to escape with some shiners (which just make them look kewler), no biggie. Plus there’s a kid who just illegally carries a gun everywhere and everyone keeps telling him to stop bringing his gun and he’s like nah I need it, yet never has it on him when he actually needs it. Plot twist. But anyway, the real shining star of this series is the lead character, John B. Yes that’s right, he is addressed as his first name and middle initial for the entire series by every single character–to an excessive amount. It’s very hard to take seriously. No JB, or John Jr because his dad’s name was John. It’s literally John B. ALWAYS. It’s a good thing he’s a real babe soda in his mostly open-button Tommy Bahama shirts to make up for his dumb AF name (relax, pedos, he’s 27 IRL.)

Now that I’ve thoroughly distracted you with a John B thirst trap, let’s talk about how the first episode was very misleading that we would mostly be served with John B’s hot musings on Pogue life and then BAM all the sudden I’m watching an old lady with glowing eyes chasing a bunch of kids with a gun and I was scared to brush my teeth before bed that night thinking the old blind bag would emerge from the guest room and chase me with a fire poker into my room. At least we all have new stupid terminology to abuse all summer when we want to call someone rich or poor. Kooks and Pogues. STAY OFF THE CUT.

Pogues-for-Life-outerbanks-quotes-netflix

(If you haven’t realized it yet, my lifelong dream is to be a beach babe who lives on the shore and only dresses in beachy casj so this show really fulfilled that for me and much like when I came back from Hawaii and refused to take off my backwards Hawaiian floral hat and shoved hang loose down everyone’s throats, I will continue that tradition of pretending to be an islander with Pogue Life. I’m already halfway there because in quarantine I’ve been brushing my hair out and letting it air dry, thus creating a very frizzy beachy wave. Mahalo. Pogues til Death. ‘Guna for Lyfe.)

Seriously check out those beach waves. Lettuce for DAYZ. Also yes, yes I did put on my bikini and reenact going to the beach on the kitchen floor for a TikTok, thanks for asking. Maybe if it stopped SNOWING, the world would be able to appreciate my big beach energy.

IMG-5559

Happy Quaran-streaming!

Standard
Red Carpet

Met Gala Red Carpet 2016

Welcome to the Met Gala, where all the tweens are invited and there’s always a weird theme that the Olsen Twins promptly ignore. This year’s theme was: Manus x Machina: Fashion in an Age of Technology…whatever the F that means. Let’s judge.

Woof:

dakotajohnson

Kewl stars, Dakota.

Did Solange just dye last year’s dress yellow and add some latex leggings? #LEMONADE

emmaroberts

Not only is this a granny dress but her face is scarin me.

zendaya

THAT BOWL CUT THOUGH. DAMN.

jimmy

madonna

On what planet does anyone want to see Madonna’s nips or buhhole?

katy-perry

Katy Perry is quickly becoming the next Gaga with her dumb outfits and I will not go quietly into the night about this. I do miss my tamogatchi though.

Screen Shot 2016-05-02 at 10.33.43 PM

How does one accentuate their curves? By adding a bunch of buckles, apparently.

olsens

Ever the rebels, the twins show up in cloaks as per usual. Endless ciggs have been treating MK’s face well. She looks suuupes youthful.

"Manus x Machina: Fashion In An Age Of Technology" Costume Institute Gala - Arrivals

What fresh hell is this seaweed dress, Cindy Lou Who hair combo, Lupey?

"Manus x Machina: Fashion In An Age Of Technology" Costume Institute Gala - Arrivals

Beyonce looks good because she always looks good but I hate this dress. The color, the latex, not for me. SARRY guess I’m just Becky with the good hair.

kimye

Kim doesn’t look tha worst, but Kanye VIBES West ruined it.

The Metropolitan Museum of Art's COSTUME INSTITUTE Benefit Celebrating the Opening of Manus x Machina: Fashion in an Age of Technology, Arrivals, The Metropolitan Museum of Art, NYC, New York, America - 02 May 2016

I feel bad consistently putting Kris on the worst dressed, because you can tell she tries so hard but like, let your daughters outshine you and retire the choker.

MET Gala 2016

Speaking from someone with 100% natty boobs, I don’t know if it’s normal for fake tits to sit at someone’s throat but something isn’t right here, LaLa.

The Metropolitan Museum of Art's COSTUME INSTITUTE Benefit Celebrating the Opening of Manus x Machina: Fashion in an Age of Technology, Arrivals, The Metropolitan Museum of Art, NYC, New York, America - 02 May 2016

Just, wtf is this. Save this bad boy for a 4th of July beach cover-up.

The Metropolitan Museum of Art's COSTUME INSTITUTE Benefit Celebrating the Opening of Manus x Machina: Fashion in an Age of Technology, Arrivals, The Metropolitan Museum of Art, NYC, New York, America - 02 May 2016

If she had covered her bodice more I would’ve been down with this because the silver feathers are elegant. But I can live without seeing your crack whisper out of the tailfeather.

"Manus x Machina: Fashion In An Age Of Technology" Costume Institute Gala - Arrivals

This year’s sponsored by Hefty, Trash Bag Edition.

"Manus x Machina: Fashion In An Age Of Technology" Costume Institute Gala - Arrivals

Following up the garbage bag dress, here’s random recyclables sewn togets.

"Manus x Machina: Fashion In An Age Of Technology" Costume Institute Gala - Arrivals

Do Less.

"Manus x Machina: Fashion In An Age Of Technology" Costume Institute Gala - Arrivals

Hey Ciara, every man above 60 called and they want their toup back:

karl

The Metropolitan Museum of Art's COSTUME INSTITUTE Benefit Celebrating the Opening of Manus x Machina: Fashion in an Age of Technology, Arrivals, The Metropolitan Museum of Art, NYC, New York, America - 02 May 2016

Love that the feathers weren’t enough, there also needed to be a majestic butterfly fluttering across this gown.

MET Gala 2016

I looked right at this outfit and had to do a double take thinking it was 15 years ago and Jen Lindley was attending the ball.

jenbangs

The Metropolitan Museum of Art's COSTUME INSTITUTE Benefit Celebrating the Opening of Manus x Machina: Fashion in an Age of Technology, Arrivals, The Metropolitan Museum of Art, NYC, New York, America - 02 May 2016

What’s happening here?

The Metropolitan Museum of Art's COSTUME INSTITUTE Benefit Celebrating the Opening of Manus x Machina: Fashion in an Age of Technology, Arrivals, The Metropolitan Museum of Art, NYC, New York, America - 02 May 2016

Furrever 15.

The Metropolitan Museum of Art's COSTUME INSTITUTE Benefit Celebrating the Opening of Manus x Machina: Fashion in an Age of Technology, Arrivals, The Metropolitan Museum of Art, NYC, New York, America - 02 May 2016

This looks like a costume from Practical Magic.

"Manus x Machina: Fashion In An Age Of Technology" Costume Institute Gala - Arrivals

I mean, typs for Gaga.

jaredleto

Never wear a white tux if you’re a white and that’s obvious.

"Manus x Machina: Fashion In An Age Of Technology" Costume Institute Gala - Arrivals

I can’t even look at this dress because it feels like Katie is staring into my soul.

The Metropolitan Museum of Art's COSTUME INSTITUTE Benefit Celebrating the Opening of Manus x Machina: Fashion in an Age of Technology, Arrivals, The Metropolitan Museum of Art, NYC, New York, America - 02 May 2016

It’s possible Karlie landed on the worst dressed purely out of jealousy.

"Manus x Machina: Fashion In An Age Of Technology" Costume Institute Gala - Arrivals

HEY Kerry’s preggers again. Also she’s attending a Halloween party.

Yaasss:

Screen Shot 2016-05-02 at 10.32.55 PM

This pose made me laugh for several minutes and I’m not afraid to admit it. The look is actually great, especially for hairy, scary Lorde, but that side head is outrageous.

brielarson

Brie’s closing out a hot red carpet season with this sparkler.

emmastone

I’m digging the dark locks on Emma. Plus this dress honors the theme without being outrageous.

Irachel-mcadams

I think I drooled looking at this picture. Nbd.

amyschumer

I wish her hair wasn’t so erect but the dress is hot stuff.

ninadobrev

This dress is flattering in every way.

rami-malek

I’ve got a thang for blue tuxes.

clairedanes

Cinderella, IRL. Going to a rave:

daneslightupnickjonas

Looking dapper as always. WONDER IF HIM AND KHUD SMOOCHED.

gigizayn

This is some robot fairytale shit. GiGi looks like a smoke and Zayn is her literal knight in shining armor.

The Metropolitan Museum of Art's COSTUME INSTITUTE Benefit Celebrating the Opening of Manus x Machina: Fashion in an Age of Technology, Arrivals, The Metropolitan Museum of Art, NYC, New York, America - 02 May 2016

Alessandra’s dress is just the right amount of weird and also it looks comfy AF.

ansel-elgort

That smolder though. Panty flooder.

"Manus x Machina: Fashion In An Age Of Technology" Costume Institute Gala - Arrivals

Didn’t even need to include the pic with Jeets because Hannah knocks my socks off all on her own.

"Manus x Machina: Fashion In An Age Of Technology" Costume Institute Gala - Arrivals

Sometimes Chloe has a tendency to dress like she’s straight out of a Delia’s catalogue but I like this look on her.

MET Gala 2016

Scary goth face, pretty dress.

The Metropolitan Museum of Art's COSTUME INSTITUTE Benefit Celebrating the Opening of Manus x Machina: Fashion in an Age of Technology, Arrivals, The Metropolitan Museum of Art, NYC, New York, America - 02 May 2016

I wish I could wear this dress. Like, anywhere. What a beautiful fairy.

The Metropolitan Museum of Art's COSTUME INSTITUTE Benefit Celebrating the Opening of Manus x Machina: Fashion in an Age of Technology, Arrivals, The Metropolitan Museum of Art, NYC, New York, America - 02 May 2016

Demi has looked fierce as hell in every appearance ever this year.

"Manus x Machina: Fashion In An Age Of Technology" Costume Institute Gala - Arrivals

Mindy’s lookin fresh and possibly has a keyboard clutch?

"Manus x Machina: Fashion In An Age Of Technology" Costume Institute Gala - Arrivals

This dress is from H&M, so that us commoners can also dress for a ball.

The Metropolitan Museum of Art's COSTUME INSTITUTE Benefit Celebrating the Opening of Manus x Machina: Fashion in an Age of Technology, Arrivals, The Metropolitan Museum of Art, NYC, New York, America - 02 May 2016

I’m torn on this. On the one hand, she looks like a sassy sailor, on the other hand she’s wearing white clam diggers at a ball. You decide.

"Manus x Machina: Fashion In An Age Of Technology" Costume Institute Gala - Arrivals

This kind of looks like trash gathered from a beach but I like it and I bet it’s comfy to lay in.

The Metropolitan Museum of Art's COSTUME INSTITUTE Benefit Celebrating the Opening of Manus x Machina: Fashion in an Age of Technology, Arrivals, The Metropolitan Museum of Art, NYC, New York, America - 02 May 2016

Kendall maintains as best dressed Jenner/Kardash

The Metropolitan Museum of Art's COSTUME INSTITUTE Benefit Celebrating the Opening of Manus x Machina: Fashion in an Age of Technology, Arrivals, The Metropolitan Museum of Art, NYC, New York, America - 02 May 2016

Never did I think the day would come when I’d toss a compliment Kylie’s way but she really cleaned her shit up. She looks classy and essentially is wearing the same dress as Kim and looks a bajillion times better. Take notes, Kimmy.

"Manus x Machina: Fashion In An Age Of Technology" Costume Institute Gala - Arrivals

Let your hurrr downnn!!!

"Manus x Machina: Fashion In An Age Of Technology" Costume Institute Gala - Arrivals

Kate couldn’t even sit in this dress so that blows but she looks like a dime.

"Manus x Machina: Fashion In An Age Of Technology" Costume Institute Gala - Arrivals

Adorbs

The Metropolitan Museum of Art's COSTUME INSTITUTE Benefit Celebrating the Opening of Manus x Machina: Fashion in an Age of Technology, Arrivals, The Metropolitan Museum of Art, NYC, New York, America - 02 May 2016

From the neck down, I’m all over this shit. From the neck up, I’d like to gauge my eyes out. Tay is edgy now and we need to accept it I guess, but the bleach bob NEEDS TO GO. Those shoes slay though.

"Manus x Machina: Fashion In An Age Of Technology" Costume Institute Gala - Arrivals

What bump? Olivia looks skinny as possible in this dress.

The Metropolitan Museum of Art's COSTUME INSTITUTE Benefit Celebrating the Opening of Manus x Machina: Fashion in an Age of Technology, Arrivals, The Metropolitan Museum of Art, NYC, New York, America - 02 May 2016

TBH, I don’t really know what’s going on here but I know that her head/bustier looks fab so I just glossed over the maybe cape, maybe pants sitch down below.

blake

I mean, end with a bang of course. She doesn’t look preggers,

she just looks F-L-A-W-L-E-S-S

Standard
Pop Culture, Uncategorized

BoooooOOOOoooooKs!

 

For some of you it might come as a surprise that I’m actually an avid reader. I like to keep everyone on their toes and show them that I’m a little more than reality TV and celebrity gossip. Just kitten, I mostly read the literary version of dirty rom-com trash BUT every once and a while (usually each summer) I buckle down and try on a new book that everyone is buzzing about. I mostly do this so that I always have a more respectable title to throw out when someone asks me what I’ve been reading than “Dirty Thoughts: A Mechanics of Love Novel.” As it turns out, my reading list from this summer/fall shined a spotlight on female authors, so I will be giving you a chick lit rundown of must-reads. Feel free to lower your expectations for highbrow reading, as there’s only so much you can expect from a girl whose only bookmarks look like this:

IMG_6497

 

1. Girl on the Train- Paula Hawkins.

thegirlonthetrain

This was my one adult-level read this past summer and I immediately forced several people around me to read it so I could relive it through them. It’s a mystery told in several different perspectives to keep the plot twist hard to guess until the end. The main narrator, Rachel, is a sloppy alcoholic who becomes fascinated with a couple in a nice neighborhood that she watches from the train every day on her commute. Then the woman she watches from the train suddenly disappears and Rachel tries to involve herself in the investigation. This book is a page-turner but also made me want to punch the main character in the face. She’s a hot mess express and you often are not on her side, which makes you question every piece of information she’s giving you. Also fun fact: it will be made into a movie. FTR you’ll see me write that after almost every book I review, because Hollywood is unoriginal and authors rule the world. (Also pretty sure 50% of this list was picked up by Reese Witherspoon’s production company. LADIES R00L THE WORLD.)

 

2. Who Do You Love- Jennifer Wiener.

whodoyoulove

 

I learned about this book because Jennifer Wiener is actually a die-hard Bachelor(ette) fan and often live tweets things far funnier than I could ever write in my recaps. The good news is that she’s actually a very talented writer unlike those on the set of ABC’s moneymaker reality show. This is a classic love story about Rachel and Andy who meet by chance when they’re children and then how their lives intersect through out the years as they grow up and make terrible decisions and how they always seem to find their way back to each other. It’s kind of sad and also a lot poetic about how each choice we make in our lives have consequences and how to find the right path in the end. I honestly think that’s the smartest and least sarcastic sentence I’ve ever written on The Salty Ju.

 

3. Luckiest Girl Alive- Jessica Knoll.

luckiestgirlalive

In a post Gone Girl world, every author is itching to release the next crazy-ass female driven story. Welp, this is it. Obviously it was outright compared to Gone Girl, giving it a little more clout and intrigue, but this book might have been more F’ed up than Gone Girl. Sure, Amy Dunne was the biggest psycho on this earth, but the twist in this story actually gave me nightmares the night after I read it. I ripped through the first half of the book, refusing to put it down until I saw the creepy secret past, then had terrifying dreams influenced by it, then finished the book as soon as I woke up in the morning. So yes, it’s vividly disturbing, but also clearly it was written well if I read it in less than 12 hours. Ani is an editor at a top fashion magazine and about to marry a WASPy finance guy, so she’s basically living the dream except for the fact that her past keeps sneaking up to haunt her perfect life. *To be made into a movie, obv. Unfortunately, the pictures in my mind of this book were graphic enough, so I really don’t ever need to see them played out on the big screen, especially with our country’s current state of gun violence. (Baby spoiler)

 

4. Why Not Me- Mindy Kaling.

whynotme

For those who like a good series of funny stories and anecdotes from comedians, this is Mindy’s newest installment and just as good as her first (Is Everyone Hanging Out Without Me-And Other Concerns.) If you’re not a fan of Mindy’s candid tone and tendency to talk like a high schooler, this book is not for you. The book includes stories about her dating life, her weird AF relationship with BJ Novak, what a typical day looks like for her (which I found fascinating as a TV junkie) and even the speech she gave at Harvard Law School. What’s cool about Mindy is that everyone fixates on her being Indian and not stick skinny and she addresses both in this book by saying hey assholes I’m being myself and we don’t need to draw attention to these factors every day.

 

5. The Royal We- Heather Cocks & Jessica Morgan.

theroyalwe

This was a book I’ve been hearing about since the beginning of summer but when I finally cracked it open a week or two ago, I was not expecting an anthology. Save this read for a long week’s vacation or possibly an excuse to stay away from your family during the holidays. Written by the creators of Go Fug Yourself, it’s an American spin on the fascination all us commoners have with the Royals. Bex is a twin from Iowa who decides to do a semester at Oxford and happens to live in the same dorm as the heir to the crown, you know, literally every American girl’s dream when they study abroad in England. The story, told in 5 parts from Bex’s perspective, tells their love story and dramas from the very beginning all the way to the royal wedding. It’s fun because Bex is a tomboy who loves baseball, drinking, and not washing her hair and she snags a hot prince. Also it is loosely based on Will & Kate’s love story, with a slutty royal brother that strikes many resemblances to Prince Harry. It was announced recently that this will be made into movie magic, of course and Lauren Graham & Mae Whitman have already signed on. For those of you who have experienced the cinematic magic that is The Duff, you’ll understand why Mae is the perfect actress for this character.

 

Bonus: Wallbanger- Alice Clayton.

wallbanger

I’m sneaking this one on the list…it’s neither new nor a classy read by any means (the cover gives that away…don’t read in public without a book sock.) However, it’s one of my favorite books of all time and I would feel wrong not including it on a list of glowing recommendations. Caroline moves into a new apt and her hottie neighbor Simon invites a new chick over every night to bang one out, which would be fine except that their bedrooms share a wall and therefore she’s hearing a lot of sex and not participating in any of it. They hate each other and exchange some words until their separate groups of friends end up hanging out and suddenly they’re all a squad and everyone starts pairing off. Told from Caroline’s point of view it’s hilarious and well-written with sneak peeks of sexy times, AKA a book about sex with an actual story (I’m looking at you 50 Shades…) Even better news if you love the first, there’s 2 more books in the series.

Standard
Television

Life Lessons from Dr. Mindy Lahiri

The Mindy Project got “cancelled.” I put this in quotes because I’m still holding out hope that it will make a comeback elsewhere but in the wake of the news, I decided to throw together a collection of Mindy’s most relatable teaching moments and the things that we can all learn from leading a life full of bearclaws and Beyonce worship.

1. Don’t hide your fears. This was the most reasonable way I’ve ever seen someone react to a bug. I know firsthand because today on my patio a bee came near me and I screeched at an ear piercing decibel and almost ran through my screen door. Moral of the story, don’t ever repress your fears just because you’re in the presence of a hot guy.

2. Sometimes kids need to be told when they’re being dumb. Realistically this happens a lot…children aren’t the smartest. Big ups for Mindy trying to comfort this little whiner though because I would’ve probably told her to zip it. This was actually a preview into Mindy as a mom and let me be the first to say she will be a great one…fingers crossed we get to see it.

3. It’s important to know your limits. Listen, the fit lifestyle isn’t for everyone and Mindy knew she wasn’t winning Most Likely to Instagram #Fitspiration and #WorkoutWednesday and that’s much more important than actually being healthy. This would have been an ideal response to give to my doctor when she suggested I start walking to the train farther from my apt since I haven’t exercised in six months. C’mon, doc.

serious

4. Work it. If it’s one thing Mindy isn’t lacking, it’s confidence and even when you haven’t showered and you’re wearing bulky layers topped off with a pair of sneakers called Fat Steps, you can still own it and compare yourself to Keira Knightley. Plus she knows it can be intimidating to have the brains and the booty. Same, girl…same.

keiraknightleysmarthot

5. A conversation doesn’t count unless there’s a pop culture reference in it. Mindy may have a doc smart brain, but don’t even think about questioning her knowledge of the Kardashians. It’s important to be the one person in your workplace who brings everyone’s coolness factor up a notch or 100 and Mindy does that with her constant TV and pop music references. Plus what’s cooler than a Lil Wayne costume? Nothing.

tumblr_nj8959kl0g1tp719lo1_500  nickiCookie-The-Mindy-Projectprinceharry15-Fictional-TV-Characters8217-Pop-Culture-HalloweennbspCostumes7

6. Know how to dress for every occasion. Whether it’s your first time attending mass in a Catholic church or gym chic, every girl should have a go-to outfit for each environment. If we’re being honest I would prefer to sit behind Mindy in her derby hat at church because then I could read a book without anyone seeing. It’s a win-win really, Mindy is always looking out for others with her fashion savvy.

churchchurchclothes

indianoutfit gymclothes

7. Food is not for nourishment, it’s for enjoyment. What makes life worth living? Having a belly full of candy like a piñata. Probably 90% of the show is Mindy stuffing her yapper full of steaks, pastries and washing it down with sour straws and it makes me feel a WHOLE lot better for bringing in a jar of salsa and a full bag of chips to work on a regular basis for a post-lunch snackin.

7f315b35f53f9ee1716053a64db352cdchickenwingssourstraws pizza candy

8. Set goals for yourself. If you want to be successful in life you need to have something to work for. Career goals are fine, but the real stuff is setting the bar for getting your own fan club, duhs.

fans

9. Wine so hard. Sometimes you just gotta let loose and hit the sauce, just make sure that the sauce is wine and it’s sipped in moderation from your bra. (Side note: my birthday’s approaching and the wine bra would be a phenomenal gift.)

winebra wineboobs

10. It’s ok to not have your shit together all the time. For the times when you maybe let the wine flow a little too freely from your 36B and turn into a slob kebab, it’s all going to be just fine. Mindy has had her fair share of suuuuper embarrassing moments and she’s come out on top still, so there’s obviously hope for all of us hot messes who spend their Friday nights watching a Youtube video of a baby that’s afraid of it’s own fart.

shaving hotmess

Standard
JUice

Weekly JUice

1. Okay so obviously JT and Jimmy Fallon read The Salty Ju because after hearing my cries of a reunion they did a skit together on Tuesday’s Tonight Show. Although it may not have been the full show that I was pleading for, it was just enough of a taste of their terrific bromance, duet and general stupidity to tide me over until JT can make a full appearance. (I’m assuming they filmed this in between JT attending Tay’s 25th and tearing down Brooklyn with Jay-Z)

2. Several sketchy sources have confirmed that Jeets bought a house in Skaneateles. So I’m here to report that Derek Jeter is moving to Skaneateles. Did I read this article and deduct my own story from it? Absolutely. But every one knows that his house in Skan-town will be SOOOO much better than St. Jetersberg. I mean naturally right after I move out of the ‘Nang, the holy specimen that is Jeter moves on in. WHAT DID I DO TO DESERVE THIS? Don’t answer that.

(Special thank you to my sister who sent me a text at 6:48AM this morning with this insider info)

Full Article

jetah

3. Nick Jonas was dallying around NYC the other day and decided to go into FAO Schwarz (suicide mission at Christmas time…not sure what compelled him to do this) but the result of his visit was an impromptu performance of Jealous on the big piano. Yes please.

4. Ashlee Simpson is officially pregs with her second child. After going through her bad boy phase with Pete Wentz and having her first baby Bronx (why..) several years ago…Ashlee faded into oblivion and was just married to Evan Ross aka son of Diana Ross. This is obviously not news–this is just an excuse for me to post clips from her reality show circa ten years ago when her and Ryan Cabrera were the “it” couple and she was constantly wah-wahing about how Jess gets all the attention. Your weekend laughs are provided by a melodramatic Ash pre-dying her hair goth black to stand out and be edgy.

ashlee ash

5. People has their first ever People Magazine Awards last night and provided us with some great fashion moments as well as this worthy nugget from Chris Messina and Mindy Kaling winning best onscreen couple in The Mindy Project. They are the dream couple.

Also Jennifer Lopez made me eat my words from the last awards show that I critiqued her outfit at. SHE IS LITERALLY 45 and she looks like THIS.

jlo

More Best Dressed:

jenn karlie kate mindykaling

Outfits That Sucked:

kateupton gwenstefani

Standard