“We’ve got a shark that thinks she’s a dolphin, so that’s a concern.”

I tried to approach this season of The Bachelor with an open mind. (I didn’t try that hard) and I got to about 30 seconds in when they have Nick announcing he’s the Bachelor over and over again and I was already enraged. It appears as though his lisp, which was once just for the letter s, now applies to “ch” because he announced he was the next Bassshhler. So, this season is off to a hot start. What I can take solace in, is the fact that everyone on Twitter agrees with me, and since the Bach community is behind me on this one, I feel like it’s sanctioned to hate watch the shit out of this season. Not even a low-angle shot of him getting into the shower 1 minute later could make things better. Although, a gratuitous ab shot never hurts, Nick immediately erased it from my memory when he declared, “I’m gonna give America a happy ending.”

This year’s round-up of sage advice came from Boring Ben, Farmer Chris and Vampire Sean. Seriously though, Sean came back from the dead for this taping. Chris still has pit stains down to his ankles, so there’s no news there. As my friend so nicely pointed out, I too suffer from hyperhydrosis and shouldn’t be laughing at others, BUT I also don’t go on national TV so like, clean it up Chris. Or at least wear white. Sean barely speaks because he was pulled from his coffin to exist in the harsh rays of sunlight for the first time in probably a year. Chris delivers a couple of insults because he’s a big sweaty bully and Ben is just humble ole Ben, singing the “be yourself” song to Nick. (Worst advice ever, Ben.)

Now’s the part where I break it down by lady because half of these bitches get promptly kicked off anyway and we’ll never need to remember them. If a girl doesn’t get her own blurb it’s because she’s a real snoozefest.

Rachel– This is the lawyer, who after a long day of lawyering loves to unwind with vacuum karaoke. Hey girl, if you love to sing and dance, hit up the bars—there’s no need to drag cleaning into this. At the mansion, Nick and Rach talk about her family, her job and football. He seems way more interested in her than he should be. He also tries to flirt by asking her if she has a favorite uncle. Smooth moves, Nick. She gets the first impression rose and a kiss.

Vanessa the teacher from Canada, speaks both French and Italian in her intro. We get it. You’re cultured.

Josephine has no business being on this show and also, meows at her cat. As if that wasn’t weird enough, she shows up to the mansion with a book and inside of said book is a cut out with a hot dog in it. A prop she carries from a limo just so that she can tell Nick, “You’re a wiener in my book.” AND THEN SHE ASKS HIM IF HE WANTS TO LADY AND THE TRAMP A RAW HOT DOG. ABC really toeing the line with a little primetime raw-dogging. Did I make that sound more disgusting than it actually was? NO. NO I DID NOT. I had to watch two humans treat a raw piece of meat like it was spaghetti and ruin a Disney classic. Nothing is sacred anymore. Spoiler alert: according to Josephine “It went down real hard.”

Raven owns a boutique in Hoxie, Arkansas so you know she worked really hard in the fashion industry to see this kind of success so early in her life.

Corinne still lives at home and makes her nanny bring her snacks like she’s fake Casey from Laguna Beach shouting at Conchita for a quesaDILLA. Her intro video is not unlike Elle Woods’ submission for Harvard Law and everyone should be embarrassed for her. But don’t judge her because she runs a “multi-million dollar” business. Cough cough works for her dad cough. As the front-runner for most hated biddy in the house, Corinne take the first steal of the night AND the first kiss. Everyone calls her a slut all while seething in jealousy. All I really want to know is what that bag full of tokens are for. Cause Nick didn’t even have to pay the toll for that smooch, so what equates to a token with this chick?

Alexis of New Jersey is so zany that she WALKS TO CVS IN A SUMO COSTUME (when cameras are there.) She’s our ringleader for the dolphin obsession this year and as I predicted in my ranking, shows up dressed like a dolphin. Except she’s actually wearing a shark costume. Classic mixup. When everyone tells her she’s a shark she just makes dolphin noises. Cause like, DUH. SHARKS DON’T SOUND LIKE THAT, GUYS! She’s also really hammy sammied and wades through the pool in said shark costume.

Taylor is a mental health counselor and also a contestant on a reality TV show to find love. She is a walking oxymoron. Upon meeting Nick, Taylor told him that her friends think he’s an asshole. You sure know how to win a guy over, Tay!

Liz is the doula who I judged a little before the season because she talked about birthing her niece and that’s kind of gross. Plot twist: what none of us knew is that she was Jade’s maid of honor and actually already had wedding sex with Nick. Naturally Nick doesn’t remember her at first until Chris Harrison pulls him aside to tip him off, because we’re not allowed to think Nick is a douche anymore now that he’s the Bachelor. Even though Liz should be a little peeved that her drunk one night stand was not one for the books, she says more than once: “I’m kinda glad that he doesn’t remember we had sex, it keeps the mystery.” Liz is obviously pulling the classic if I act like a chill girl on TV, guys will want to date me. Because if someone big-timed me like that I would go apeshit. During their hang later on, Nick spin-zones not remembering into WHY DIDN’T YOU EVER CALL ME? By the end of the episode it becomes very clear that Liz will tell everyone in the house that they had sex to get the upper hand. Especially when she goes on and on about how she’s not worried about other girls kissing him because she did it 9 months ago. Def don’t worry about it Liz, it was a ReALLy memorable smooch. (PS, You’re CRAZY!)

Danielle L. put her tits out for Nick and that’s all you really need to know.

Christen stands out in my memory because she was dressed like a neon banana, did a weird 10 second dance with a fan then asks Nick if he thinks she’s crazy. If you have to ask…

Ida Marie does a trust fall in crop coords and I don’t hate it.

Olivia is from Alaska so she gives an Eskimo kiss. She then takes off her fur coat and tosses it at Nick. I think it was supposed to be sexy but it kind of just came off like Nick worked in coat check.

Sarah wears running sneakers because he’s “not a runner up to her”…OK girl. Also has a front tie on her dress that drives me nuts.

Jasmine G. brings Neil Lane with her, who promptly gives Nick the most half assed hug I’ve ever seen, and she shows her engagement ring preference “to get it out of the way”. It’s a cocky move that I almost respect until we cut to her crying when she can’t get time with Nick like a little baby bitch.

Hailey drops the line of the night when she says, “Do you know what a girl wearing underwear says? Neither do I.” Methinks Nick liked that one because he immediately is like ok yes let’s get another hug in there! It’s almost like these girls know that Nick is easy…

Danielle M. seems like she’ll be taking on the role of wholesome girl this season. She’s pretty, she takes care of babies as a Neonatal nurse and they have a deep convo about it later where Nick wonders if she works in a hospital or like, out of the basement of her home or something. It was touch and go for a minute when they first meet, fight about who makes better french toast and Danielle feeds him a glop of syrup with her fingers–to which Nick says, I trust that your fingers are clean. YIKES.

Jaimi-“You have some balls and so do I.” Pulls out a nose ring. Well that’s one way to kill a boner. Another way is by walking into a room full of girls and saying I HAVE BALLS! Preeetttyyy sure every girl in that room counted Jaimi out for their competition. As they should have.

Susannah gives Nick a beard massage and teases, “there’s more where that came from.” She did not get a rose, so I think it’s safe to assume her beard massage game is a D- at best.

Lacey rolls in on a camel and says, “I heard you like a good hump.” Camels aren’t sexy Lacey, and neither are you.

And if I may, let’s end this recap with proof that girls are assholes. First off, the biggest drama of the night was that too many girls were in red dresses. It started off as like 2 or 3 girls wearing red and everyone being like OmG twinnnies and red sisters for lifeeyyyy, boooooo ❤ Two minutes later another crimson girl rolls in and suddenly there’s murder in everyone’s eyes. “WHO THE F does she think she is wearing the same color as me????” Is what literally every girl in red is thinking. Glad we can keep it real though. #SoulSisters #LadiesinRed #SalsaGirlEmoji. Of course we also can’t forget about Shark-who is having an identity crisis as a dolphin-girl, who was the talk of the house (once everyone stopped yapping about their matching dresses.) At one point some biddy actually pointed at shark girl and slurs “sheee’s my spirrrittt animallllllll!” And another one goes “yaasssss omg I’m loving thisSssSs.” She wasn’t. Every one of these girls was judging Sharkey and thinking she looked stupid. And yet they told her she was killing it–which is why you should ALWAYS keep your head on swivel when you dress as a Super Bowl halftime joke from last year and walk around making high pitched dolphin noises. The more you know.

Roses: Rachel, Vanessa, Danielle L, Christen, Astrid, Corinne, Elizabeth, Jasmine G, Raven, Kristina (babbles with tears through the whole rose ceremony then gets a rose), Danielle M, Sarah, Josephine, Lacey, Taylor, Alexis, Hailey, Brittany, Dominique, Jaimi, Liz