JUice

Weekly JUice

It has been brought to my attention that I’ve been slacking on my Ju duties as of lately and although pop culture goss isn’t typically as ravenous in the summer, my life has also been a giant dumpster fire this szn, which doesn’t always inspire me to be funny. So here is my attempt at making a comeback. If I don’t make you laugh, well then you’ll feel just like me right now. Pop on a little Gilmore Girls, let your waterfall of tears flow into a heavy pour of rosé and we could be twinzies. If I do make you laugh, then tell me an obnoxious amount of times because I will never get enough of being told that I’m funny.

1. The Archer.

If anything is going to bring me out of retirement, it’s Tay. Every damn time. She released her first song off the new album that can’t be confused for a Kidz Bop tune and I’m here to give you all of my thoughts on it. Obviously I was all in on ME because I’m a narcissist and related to a song that repeats over and over again how awesome I am, claiming it as my mantra. I didn’t blog about it because I didn’t want to look like a homophobe but I was strictly OUT on You Need to Calm Down because no one ever tells me to calm down and also it was basically just a way for her to crown herself queen of the gays, which like, we get it Taylor. EVERYONE LOVES YOU. Gawd. ANYWAY, here we are at The Archer and it’s moody and dramats with deep lyrics and I’m all about it. Tay has a knack for releasing songs that speak to a certain part of my life, like when 22 came out the year that I turned 22 (yeah that’s right all you young hoez who post “feelin 22” right now. The song was basically written for me and not about today’s youths, who have essentially no problems and feel the need to wear crop tops with no bras every time they leave their home.) So obviously Tay knows that my love life is a shit storm right now and drops this juicy dramatic song. “Who could ever leave me, darling? But who could stay?” I MEAN COME ON. If I had a diary right now, it would probably say exactly that. Good thing I don’t keep diaries anymore because every time I read my middle school one and see “Seventh grade is the year of dating. I want a boyfriend, but not so bad that I’m desperate, and I’ll take anyone.” I want to kms. So I’ll just leave it to Taylor to write all the embarrassing things that I relate to in that moment and look back on in five years and laugh at. Thanks, boo.

2. Lance Came Out for LOLz.

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In random stories from 20 years ago, Lance Bass divulged on Watch What Happens Live (because that’s where everyone gets drunk and tells wacky stories) that after Britney got married in Vegas, he came out to her to get her to stop crying and paddle away from her problems in her roflcanoe. Well it worked. A boy-bander being gay got the big belly laugh from our gurl Brit so clearly Lance knows how to read a room. Glad he could come through in the clutch, it’s too bad he didn’t have anymore shocking news to share and talk her down from her bald umbrella smashing epi 3 years later. Womp Womppppp.

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3. That’s 3 under 3.

I’ve spent some time with my 2 year old niece and I’m having a hard time understanding why anyone would sign up for one of those full-time, let alone three. The most adorbs coups is doing it again though and it’ll be another girl! How joyous to have 3 daughters essentially all right around the same age. I’m saying this sarcastically of course because as the youngest of three girls, I CAN confirm we were monsters from ages 2-19. In fact, I’m still ruining my dad’s life and calling him crying on the daily so look forward to THAT, Thomas Rhett! Daughters are yours until you marry them off…or in my case, FOOOORRRR-EVVVV-ERRRRRR.

4. Shawn Mendes is a Teenage Girl.

Babe soda/teen heartthrob Shawn Mendes is making a lot of waves in the past few weeks after dropping a spicy little tamale of a song with Camila Cabello (see above) and then smooching up on her all over town, sparking new romance rumors. When I saw this and heard their merengue I was like ayeee Papi, get it. JK, but seriously I was rooting for him because he spends 90% of interviews convincing the press he’s not gay AND was shot down by Hailey Baldwin like minutes before she married the Biebs, so I felt like Shawn needed a W. That took a DRAMATIC turn when a fan released the below photo with a butterfly tattoo drawn on Shawn’s ‘cep.

AND THEN HE GOT IT. No seriously. A super fan was like wonder if you had this very intricate butterfly on your arm? And he was like gr8 idea. WHAT. Butterflies had their moment in the 1990’s with Mariah Carey and Aeropastale. WHAT PLANET AM I ON THAT THEY MAKE A COMEBACK? First Taylor Swift and now Shawn Mendes? Come. ONNNNNN.

Listen, I tried to be in your corner, Shawn. I shipped your new relashe. But unless this courtship has dramatically ended and you were drunk surfing through Twitter and stumbled upon this fan suggestion, there’s no reason to be butterfly stamping your muscle. Total Mosby Move.

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5. JLo is FIFTY. 50. Fif.tee.Five.Zero.

Nothing makes you feel like a more GIANT loser than watching JLo turn up at 50 harder than you ever have in your whole life and you’re basically half her age. Am I a complete and utter dweeb? Don’t answer that. About a month ago I made up a drinking game to Saved by the Bell once I discovered it was on Hulu so I think we all know what that means. I can cut loose with the best of ’em. #BUCKWILD. Also I heard Ryan Seacrest couldn’t get in because he was there so early and wasn’t on the list. NERD ALERT. At least I’m cooler than Seacrest. You don’t show up to a celebrity party at 7 on the dot you big wiener. But seriously, JLo LAYING OUT ON THE TURN TABLES with ARod as her #1 hypeman in the background was my favorite thing I’ve seen in a real long time. Also, surprising to no one, she looked like a damn snack at her Grammys-level birthday bash. I bet Leo was there.

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Also is that Fat Joe? He’s still alive?! AND ASHANTI?! JOE CRACK THE DON, UH. PLAY US OUT, GUYS.

 

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JUice

Weekly JUice

Week of July 23, 2018

I mean it’s not a surprise, every time summer rolls around I stop doing these because the gossip sucks and I’d rather be playing outside than ranting on the internet THEN we hit a big week with lots of headlines and I’m lured back to yap about it. So WE BACK. Let’s talk celeb news.

1. My Girl had a Tough Week. As I’ve publicly declared on this blog one too many times, my obsession with Demi Lovato knows no bounds. So natch I was devastated to hear the news this week that she overdosed and was rushed to the hospital. There’s a lot of sketchy news swirling around what happened, if it was heroin or not but obviously we all knew (I knew it first because I’m one of her closest friends) that she was on a downward spiral recently after admitting to relapsing and releasing a new song called Sober. The real red flag probably should’ve been when she dyed her hair blonde like she’s Kim Kardashian or something, but all jokes aside hopefully she pulls through and can get back on the wagon. I’ve never handled piece of celebrity news more personally like it was my own friend just because I watched a documentary on her and that probably is cause for concern but I DON’T CARE. TEAM DEMI. YOU GOT THIS, GRL. (At least I’m not diehard enough to gather a group and sing at her concert spot. Little pitchy, dawgs.)

 

2. Another five minute engagement.

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Seriously, what the F. What is in the water that every young dum dum with some money in their bank account needs to get engaged a few months into their relationship? Is this the new trend? You know how they say deaths come in threes? Well apparently now premature engagements that have no shot of working out come in threes. Congrats to you two. See you back on here in a few months, no more than a year for your breakup news on the Weekly JUice. Also she’s 36 and he’s 25. Double also, he apparently shut down Tiffany’s to propose. Way to show your age by stealing a move from a rom com that you probably watched when you were 14. If you recall, it didn’t work out for Patrick Dempsey either. TRIPLE also, to make me further want to stab my eyes out, People.com has already written an article about if Meghan and Harry will attend the wedding. FIND YOUR CHILL WITH MEGHAN MARKLE, PEOPLE. No less than 4 headlines a day about her right down to the shoes she wore to a polo match. SHE’S PERFECT. WE GET IT! RANT. OVER.

3. A baby Buble.

Obviously I don’t speak spanish but I DO KNOW that the Bubbles had a baby girl, name not announced yet for me to make fun of. And now that he has three healthy kiddies, fingers crossed he make a comeback on the music scene REAL QUICK. I mean his family’s too stinkin cute, but it’s time for more music.

4. Jenna Dewan bounces BACK. NEKKID. 

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Ever since the announcement of her and Channing’s split, JD’s been pretty saucy on social media so I didn’t even bat an eye at a nude shoot. Girl’s got a bod and she just wants the world to know she’s back on the market. I respect that. Channing’s off doing outdoor activities and art days with their daughter and Jenna’s like check out my curves, yo. Also not for nothing, but opening up an article with, “First things first: Jenna Dewan smells great” is weird as shit. Read the full article here and peep her nudies below.

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5. HOLY BALLS.

I know I just slobbered all over Jenna and her nudes but jeeeeeeeze. Oh hey it’s my birthday here’s my six back and rockin bod. BYEEEEE. You win, JLo, you always will. Also I can’t stop laughing at ARod’s crotchety squint even though he’s wearing what look like female shades and hiding in the back because his dad bod doesn’t hold a candle to his lady’s abs. CRUSHED IT.

PS Unrelated but kind of related I ate cheese fries and fried dough last night for dinner and will 100% be eating pizza tonight. So you see I drool because I will never have the dedication that I’m sure these ladies have to put down the cheese and hit the gym. All the more reason to respect tha hell out of them.

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JUice

Weekly JUice

Week of 3/27/17

I took a self-imposed hiatus because Hollywood has been BORING AF lately. It’s pretty selfish of celebrities to not give me something to razz them about, honestly. Lucky for you I found just enough to get back in the saddle this week. HAPPY WEEKEND!

1. FINALLY.

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SIGN.OF.THE.TIMES // 7.APRIL.17 //

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Our ears will be blessed next Friday with the only real solo act to come out of 1D that anyone should care about. Harry’s done pretending to be a serious actor and he better DELIVER on the music front after we had to wait this long. Mysterious wading in the water photo isn’t really giving us much but thank God it has already been announced that he’ll be the musical guest on SNL 4/15, with host Jimmy Fallon. Fingers crossed that JFall’s Harry meets real Harry in a skit, or we riot.

2. Whoa, baby.

Pregnant bellies kind of freak me out. Mostly because like, there’s a human in there and if I push too hard will it die? This is something I may never know. So preggers people rocking bikinis at the beach usually gives me the heebie jeebies. The minute I see a baby arm or leg move like it’s taking over your body I’M OUTTA THERE. But of course, leave it to LC to make pregnancy chic as hell. Perfect mani, cocktail and beach scene=realistic look at pregnancy.

3. Batting UP.

Look, ARod’s kind of a loser. He could never compare to Jeets and it’s embarrassing how obsessed he is with himself. But let’s be clear, there’s nothing more embarrassing than a nobody (who is this biddy?) telling you that you’re outkicking your coverage in a major way. Girl thinks she’s being cutesy with the sports reference but ain’t nothing gonna cover the fact that she straight up told ARod to his face that he’s not good enough for Jenny from the block. Facts only. Also they’ve been dating a casual 3 weeks so like maybe slow your roll with yapping about her on a talk show. She just got done banging Drake. It’s not going to last. Especially since you’re, hitting out of your weight class? IS THAT HOW YOU SAY IT? LOLOLOLOL. PS unrelated but kind of related…the 3 no name hosts plus Joy Behar saying that JLo liking chocolate chip cookies is breaking news made my eyes roll out of my skull and halfway across the room. HOW IS THIS SHOW STILL ON TV?

4. WHERE IS SUMMER.

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AVAILABLE NOW! 🕺🏻#CravingYou ft. @marenmorris

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Despite the fact that it’s rain/snowing in New York for THE NEXT TWO DAYS…I’m going to jam out to this new Thomas Rhett number and pretend warm weather is just around the corner. Ignore the fact that little hoebot Maren is featured on this. Pretend it’s his perfect wifey instead.

5. PUPPY BOUQUETS!

© Discover Love Studios - Brittany Boland - www.discoverlovestudios.com

This has literally nothing to do with anything other than the fact that it was an article on People today but if I’m in your wedding party and you don’t give me a puppy to take pictures with, you’re essentially dead to me. Group photos for weddings are the WORST. The way photographers direct women to pose is only setting us up for failure. “Blow a kiss”, “Walk toward the camera with sass” “Kick your foot up in the air” results in me looking like an awkward giraffe with my mouth open and/or eyes closed 98% of the time. Congrats on getting married, whose that weird bird who ruined all of your professional photos?! …is what I imagine everyone says when they view the final product. (Just me? Whatever) Either way, it’s IMPOSSIBLE to look like a spazz when you have a cuddly baby puppy wuppy in your arms.

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© Discover Love Studios - Brittany Boland - www.discoverlovestudios.com© Discover Love Studios - Brittany Boland - www.discoverlovestudios.com

 

BONUS: Throwback Eye Candy, Love always, Mandy

Bucket Hat=Pure SEX.

DUBZ BONUS: LOL to the fact that Melissa Joan Hart is suddenly all omg I totally should’ve dated Ryan Reynolds back in the day. HE’S BLAKE’S MAN. BACK OFF, SABRINA. (That hair though.)

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JUice

Weekly JUice

Week of 12/26/2016

1. Everyone is dying. Let me start this off by saying, unlike EVERYONE else, I’m not about to blame the year 2016 for some celebrity deaths. Why? BECAUSE THAT’S PREPOSTEROUS. 2016 is a year, not a murderer. So let’s cut the shit with the dramatics on Twitter, mmmk? And this is coming from one of the most dramats human on this planet, so you know it’s serious. Now that we’ve cleared that up, let’s talk about how like a bajillion celebrities died this year. I mean, yikes city. Alan Thicke a couple weeks ago, then bing, bang, boom with George Michael, Carrie Fisher and Debbie Reynolds. There’s only one way we can all get through this together and I know everyone will agree. Just close your eyes and show me that smile again. (OooOooh SHOW ME THAT SMILE!)

I made this my alarm and I’ve never been happier to get up in the morning*

*Snooze no less than 100 times and finally drag my ass out of bed with the best song ever in my head.

2. Jenny from the 6. See what I did there? Apparently Drake’s love life is like super interesting because a couple weeks ago everyone was salivating over a Taylor-Drake relashe (when realistically they were probably just recording a song together…GIVE US NEW MUSIC, TAY.) and now it looks like Drake’s getting all up in that JLo booty. Respect. If I had to choose JLo or Rihanna, I’d go with the one who physically cannot age and puts out bangers still rather than the one who made the most annoying song on this planet. *In case you want something in your head for the rest of the day: werkwerkwerkwerkwerk.

But honestly though, I’m proud of Drake for flaunting this all over the gram because when he was professing his love for RiRi at an awards show a few months back and she was like boy, bye it was preeetttyyyy embarrassing. Upgrade. Go get ’em Jenny.

Also shouts to this gossip because it allowed me to dive into a dark hole of watching old JLo music videos, which was a goldmine. I highly recommend it. Seriously how many times can she flash her abs in this one? We get it. You’re from the block (with a gym on it.)

Double also, if “Dra-Lo” becomes a real thing I’ll have no choice but to exit this planet.

3. Pink Popped.

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Jameson Moon Hart 12.26.16

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It seems like just yesterday I was blogging about Pink’s tits-out maternity photo and now here’s the baby! Time flies when you’re topless. Either way…gr8 name. I couldn’t approve more if it was the name for my first nephew, cough cough. Middle name is dumb, obviously.

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I love my baby daddy 💙

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4. National Bacon Day.

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Tori Spelling literally cannot stop popping out kiddies so also it seems like an ideal time to get a micropig named Nutmeg to add to the fam. Seriously, wtf. Also I only know today is National Bacon Day because I observe it. By getting a half day at work, obviously.

5. Dunkin Nuts.

This happened a week ago but it doesn’t get old and I was really searching for celeb goss this week that didn’t have to do with another beloved star dying suddenly. Casey Affleck is the PERFECT Boston accented Dunkin trash. I’m proud to say that I drink Dunkz on a regular basis but I’ve never delivered a vanilla nut tap, so I’m really living my best life.

Happy New Year’s to all! Hopefully we don’t immediately get outraged as a human race by the year 2017. To assure that you start the year with a bang, smash play on the below CLASSIC.

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Music, Television, Uncategorized

AMA’s 2015 Recap

I gave this show a LOT of shit last year because Pitbull, obviously. Fortunately for everyone, Mr. Worldwide must’ve had prior commitments to wear white capris elsewhere and didn’t even show last night. (Along with Taylor Swift, Calvin Harris, Miranda Lambert, JT, Beyonce…etc. But whose really keeping track?)  No but actually, it appears the only attendees of last night’s awards show were fans who paid thousands of dollars to go, and the handful of winners/performers. I still found ways to laugh at the 10 celebs that were there though…so let’s dive in.

No, Thank You:

-The intro begins with JLo ruining Waiting For Tonight by singing a slowed down, sexed up version in a furry Navajo jacket surrounded by offensively dressed Indians(?) Then she declares it’s not about her (or the decision to wear these costumes) and shakes dat ass with the Redskins to a medley of nominated songs. At one point the furs are shed and what’s left is a bunch of nude body suits with target tattoos located on the dancers’ vaginas. You know, real classy stuff. THIS LASTED 8 MINUTES.

-Prince doesn’t go anywhere without his axe. Or his third eye.

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-If I wanted to see fans sing the wrong words at a concert, I’d go to one. Celebs were sitting like 20 rows back and the audience cam continuously panned to boring strangers. Tay and the seat dancing squad was SORELY missed. (Hailee Steinfeld tried to pick up the slack and came up real short.)

-Selena looked FAB during her performance, unfortunately I can’t say the same for her vocals. Or her backup dancers who looked like knockoff Magic Mikes with Aladdin pants.

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-Hey you know that shitty song that turned a singer into a verb for doing it? Well Charlie Puth sang it terribly then Marvin Gayed Meghan Trainor onstage and we all had to watch uncomfortably while they got it on.

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-FGL can’t go anywhere without wearing something outrageous and last night didn’t disappoint. The pilgrim hat meets the fivehead. Seriously though, it’s in Tyler’s best interest to start styling his receding hairline differently.

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-There was a real extreme close-up of Nick Jonas’s mouth while he was singing and it was disappointing to learn that he has barf.com teeth, therefore taking him down a peg or two on the hot scale. Mouth closed, shirt off from now on, pls.

-Coldplay + DANCING GORILLAS. Hey, guys, you sing soulful power melodies…you’re not the Grateful Dead tripping acid onstage. Stop scarin us.

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-JLo progressively gets more and more naked as the night goes on and after seeing this number below, I predicted that she would close out the show in pasties.

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-Even though Karen Fairchild was wearing F. Me boots, it didn’t distract me enough from the GARBAGE song she sang with Luke Bryan that was essentially the country version of “Lemme Take a Selfie”

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-The HIGHLY ANTICIPATED Clueless reunion was really just Alicia Silverstone and Jeremy Sisto introducing Gwen Stefani. Way to really oversell that one.

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Yes, Please:

-1D’s array of mid-show fashion. Liam’s red vest. Niall’s lace shirt. HARRY’S flower bolo, flared leisure suit and SPARKLE BOOTS.

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-Stars they’re just like us! JLo has the greasiest of hair after her 8 minutes of dancing in culturally insensitive garb to the point where they definitely were forced to wash her hair during a commercial break.

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-Frankie Grande was like Ariana who? and made himself the centerpiece of the show from the third row. He was closer to the stage than any celebrity and he made sure we all knew it. He dances in the aisle, bops around and at one point when the camera pans to Nonna Grande, Frankie jumps right in front of her. Nona doesn’t deserve fame like Frankie does.

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-R.I.P Meek Mill. He was being DESTROYED on social media all night and then Nicki went and thanked Drake before him in her acceptance speech. Bye, Meek.

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-Nick Jonas changes things up with a church choir singing Jealous (and a lickworthy drum solo).

-While Macklemore did some slam poetry about medicine next to a guy with the skinniest tie I’ve ever seen, the audience was preetttyy unsure of how to groove, resulting in the funniest new dance move of the night: white guy jazz hands.

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-Alanis has still got it 20 years later! Shit. Demi and her teamed up to growl about Dave Coulier and it was fabulous. Alanis hasn’t missed a beat since the 90’s.

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-Celine sings a tribute to Paris in a beautiful gown. Not to take anything away from the lovely performance but I miss Celine. A lot. And I’d like to petition for her to perform “It’s All Coming Back To Me Now” at the next awards show because I know it would be electric. All in favor say “I finished crying in the instant that you left.”

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-I hate Bieber with the fire of a thousand suns but I know when it’s time to respect the fact that it’s his world and he knows it. He did “Sorry” splash waterfalls style and literally lip-synced right in everyone’s grillpiece in wet jeans that I can only assume resulted in chafing.

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Winners:

Soul/R&B Album- The Weeknd

Pop/Rock Duo or Group- One Direction

Country Male- Luke Bryan

Soundtrack- Pitch Perfect 2

R&B/Hip-Hop Album- Nicki Minaj “The Pinkprint”

New Artist of the Year- Sam Hunt

Pop/Rock Female- Ariana Grande

Country Female- Carrie Underwood

Collaboration of the Year- Justin Bieber Skrillex & Diplo

Alternative Artist- Fallout Boy

Rap/Hip-Hop Artist- Nicki Minaj

Soul/ R&B Male- The Weeknd

Artist of the Year- One Direction

 

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Pop Culture

Celeb-oween 2015

Celebs, they’re just like us…sometimes they have really dumb, unoriginal halloween costumes…and when they do, I point and laugh at them. I will applaud the fact that no one slipped up and did black face this year. They just might be learning!

WORST

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Haute couture skeleton @alexfaction

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I think this would have been okay had J.Lo not taken a typical costume and called it haute couture like a bougie betch.

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👻

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I’m not sure what’s going on here, is this just a child from my nightmares?

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I think I nailed the Kim K costume! 🕸👻🕷

A post shared by Kim Kardashian West (@kimkardashian) on

What does the biggest attention whore in America dress as for Halloween? Herself, obviously.

I will absolutely NOT support Let it Go for one more second. Even if she does look like an adorbz little Olaf.

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Devil’s Threesome.

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The Today Show tried to be cutesicle….

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Except replicating a cartoon in real life can actually turn into a pretty scary sitch for all involved. Also OF COURSE Matt Lauer cross-dressed.

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Trump thrives off of this shit.

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Tyra Banks as Richard Branson. Why?

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Did Kylie even know it was Halloween? OHHHHH BURNNNN.

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Gisele and Tom Brady putting giant skeleton bobble heads on with a regular outfit is lazy and lame.

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HEIDI KLUM MUST BE STOPPED. DO SO SO SO SO SO MUCH LESS.

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Katy Perry as a mic drop. This is actually a clever idea until you have to reenact it 100 times for people to get it and then you have a concussion.

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I know Hil can do much better than a basic betch black cat.

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Right, so this is what warriors look like?

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BOOOOOOOOOOOOOO. Shirtless costumes only in the future, pls.

BEST

Anne looking pastel puuurfect as a unicorn.

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Coming to America🎃

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HOW SASSY IS BLUE THOUGH?!

The classiest woodland creatures I ever did see.

Mario Lopez’s kid is the cutest little smush and they nailed Elvis & Elvis Jr.

Allison looks EXACTLY like Belle.

Authentic shit, right down to the climbing. If Shawn was my fiance I’d climb him like a tree too.

I’m embarrassed that I went as Sandy last year because Gigi swept through this year and took a big dump on my version of bada$$ Sandra Dee.

Sophia Bush perfecting Pulp Fiction

The possibly engaged couple as polar opposites. Mesmerized by Jeets’ face as the devil.

Lebron going as Prince and taking the stage for an impromptu show seems really out of character for him.

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🦁

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Girls’ already got one hell of a mane.

Not as good as last years caveman in the flesh but still pretty great.

Hot damn! 2000’s Jess is making a comeback.

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I just wanna snatch P right up. I won’t…but I want to.

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This is Colton Haynes. He doesn’t normally look like this. Respect tha hustle here for transforming into the largest and most disgusting creature in Disney villain history.

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Nina Dobrev bitch facing as Posh.

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Don’t you ever cross Queen Bey or she’ll come at you like this.

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Kelly Ripa’s got a knack for pop culture costumes, IMO.

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Michael Strahan as Cookie. FIERCE.

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Josh Duhamel with a gap tooth.

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I’m always pro-T.Swift costume.

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GMA hosts Robin Roberts & TJ Holmes take on the Lyons.

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Bionic hand seals the deal for Aisha Tyler

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Miranda Lambert and co. as the Rockford Peaches. Where Marla Hooch at?

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Ellen DeGeneres created her own character, Karla Kardashian, who is the reject of the clan and only wears hand-me-downs. Bonus points for originality although we know how I feel about drawing more attention to the Kardash fam.

therock

This seems like an approps costume for someone who naturally has gunz on gunz.

sarahyland

If you have a hot bod like Sarah Hyland it should be mandatory that you go leather bodysuit for Halloween.

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Always jelly of celebs who can get their hands on legit wardrobe for pop culture costumes.

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Gina Rodriguez shows off cute and cozy.

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YAASSSSS TRAP QUEEN.

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Pink looks exactly like lil Drew Barrymore.

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Nicole Richie doing up the Nightmare before Christmas creeperoni.

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NPH is the family costume magician every year.

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His and hers cat in the hats for one of my fave couples

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Chrissy Teigen as Guy Fieri is perfect and gave her an excuse to do douchey things. I’m all for a costume that lets you get away with being a more obnoxious individual.

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JUice

Weekly JUice

1. THE MOST IMPORTANT NEWS RELATED TO THE SUPER BOWL THIS WEEK: Budweiser releases some teaser footage of their annual ad full of puppies and horsies. This year’s ad is called “Lost Dog” and I think I speak for all white girls when I say I CAN’T EVEN with these clips and pictures of the wittle baby puppy wandering around lost and scared. Budweiser better deliver that happy ending, I barely sat through Homeward Bound and I cannot handle another pet being lost. We don’t need another Sarah Mclachlan travesty of a commercial on our hands, Bud.

fullmud horse muddy pup puppy rain

Since we don’t know the outcome of this little guy’s muddy adventure just yet, let’s pick ourselves back up by watching last year’s ad “Puppy Love”

Enjoy crying into your buffalo wing dip this year at the Super Bowl.

2. Ellie Goulding released the music video for Love Me Like You Do off of the Fifty Shades of Grey Soundtrack. I’m including this for all my 50 Shades Fanatics. I haven’t read the book because if I’m going to read a novel about BDSM I’d prefer that my mom and grandma haven’t read the same one. I probably won’t see the movie either because I saw the chemistry between these two at the Golden Globes and it wasn’t worth a sizzle reel. However, this song is catchy and I can get down with it. So jam out and enjoy some lip biting, long stares and O faces set to Ellie’s magical voice, you wacky sex fiends.

BONUS: In related 50 Shades news this week, apparently the scene from the book including a tampon being ripped from Ana’s vag will NOT be included in the film, which is a shame really because nothing gets me going quite like my uterine wall shedding every month.

3. Chad Michael Murray got married to Sarah Roemer and they’re expecting. Don’t know who Sarah Roemer is? A quick trick to figure out who CMM is dating is to browse the cast list of his most recent TV Show/Movie.

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Chad is a co-star whore. It all started with Sophia Bush on OTH, then “allegedly” Paris Hilton on House of Wax and finally he was engaged to extra Kenzie Dalton from OTH for like ever and most recently was Nicky Whelan also his co-star from Chosen (awwkkk these three worked together and he boned both.) He can’t keep his hands home while he’s working apparently. He’s been dating Sarah since August, so it’s obviously reaaall serious. I hope for all One Tree Hill fans that he called Sarah last minute from the airport to get hitched in Vegas. And she showed up and said, You’re a mess, Chad Michael Murray–But you’re my mess. Cue the ambiguous too-deep-for-high-school literature quote:

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4. Mrs. Doubtfire to become a musical. Alan Menken who is like the #1 Disney composer revealed that he’s been writing music for the musical version of Mrs. Doubtfire and Harvey Fierstein will be writing the book. Fierstein played the brother who did the infamous Mrs. Doubtfire makeover in the movie. My thoughts on this childhood favorite of mine becoming a musical can be summed up in one word: NOOOOOOOOOOOO. Seriously not everything needs to be sung. Three thousand thumbs down to this idea and the film’s sequel as well. Leave the classic alone, poppets.

5. JLo dished on Watch What Happens Live and continued her fashion tour of “I’m 45 and I’ll leave my tits and ass out as much as I please”.

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When asked about her exes, JLo revealed that clearly she doesn’t go for looks, delivering a nice zinger to her ex-husband and father of her children, Marc Anthony. Yeah girl, we know. Also she’s still willing to rob the cradle, which we all assumed by her recent wardrobe choices and her affinity to get reeeall close with her baby costar from the glorified Lifetime movie that came out last weekend “Boy Next Door”. (Unrelated: does anyone wanna go see that with me? Let me know.)

Bonus: Nick Jonas grabbed his junk again. This time in a suit. You’re welcome ladies…

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