Salty Stories

Abolish Biz Casj.

A portion of this HEAT on the art of business casualwear was originally written in 2013 upon my entry into the workforce post-graduation. I can confidently say that ten years later, I still don’t know what the hell is approps to wear to work. Therefore, I have made many edits to the original “blog” now that I have almost ten years of perspective and about 6 million jobs under my belt.

Let’s talk about business casual for a second, shall we? Now despite my obvious obsession with using casj to describe everything in the world, where does casj actually come into play in business casj? Seems somewhat like an oxymoron, no? Here are my two main problems: Numero uno, I think dress “slacks” or business suits are meant for the 50 and over crowd or Hillary Clinton. This essentially rules out any of my options for weather less than 60 degrees. So basically I can’t dress for a job 9 out of the 12 months of the year in Upstate New York. Makes sense. However, this means that for those three summer months I can wear sassy dresses and look like the most feminine but also professional chick this side of the Hudson. Which leads me to my next problem: I’m 5’8”. I know that you’re thinking, oh she’s 5’8”– probably has legs for days. And you would be absolutely correct. My legs are my best asset, tysm for noticing. HOW-EV-ER, you probably didn’t account for the fact that deeze stems can turn any “normal length” dress into a downright scandal. Again, I know you’re thinking it but please don’t compare me to a Victoria’s Secret Angel, unless the Angels eat cheetos and bagels every day and haven’t had a thigh gap since middle school.

While we’re on the topic of middle school, let’s all hop into the magic school bus with me (Ms. Frizzle, obv) as your host to zip on back to 2003 when my trauma with appropriate dress truly began. It was the tragic days of pre-teendom when a girl shoots up like a beanstalk and gets little baby boobs that barely justify forcing her mom to buy her a lime green training bra at Limited Too. This is right around the same time that the school starts implementing dress codes because the 12 year olds want to show off said lime green bra to impress their AIM boyfriend who they’ve never actually talked to in person. If this sounds like folklore to you, it’s because 12 year olds today look like they’re 21 with their shiny hair and curvy bods as they earn more than their parents just by shaking their perfectly round a$$es on TikTok. If I sound bitter, please know that I am. Rest assured none of today’s lil hoochies will ever develop a sense of humor or a personality that one can only gain from the series of unfortunate events that I’m about to unfold for you. Once Spring hath Sprung, so did my little awkward body into some shorts and dresses for school. This is when I started frequently being pulled over, mid-morning commute in the busy hallway coming from homeroom. I’ve never been pulled over in real life but I can imagine that everyone walking the halls looked at me with pity much like drivers do as they zoom by someone who got nabbed on the highway for speeding. Except these were my formative years. My years when showing off your lewk on the way to Language Arts was the highest form of self-assurance. Instead I had a “supervision aide” (Note: this is a WASP way of saying hall monitor, and let’s be real if you have a fake bougie title to make your job that is completely unnecessary sound better, you’re probably the type of person who has a real power trip in life) scolding me for my “inappropriate clothing.” Just so we’re all clear, I did not have a Mean Girls-esque cool mom who let me watch Girls Gone Wild and go to school wearing belly shirts and booty shorts. Neither my asshole nor my RB curtz were visible, so this really shouldn’t have been a problem. This is when the fingertips rule was first thrust upon me. You may wonder what fresh hell the fingertips rule is and OoOh baby I’m about to tell you. This is the rule, 1 zillion percent made up by school administrators, where if you put your arms down at your sides, the dress or shorts that you’re wearing should be longer than your fingertips. I felt personally victimized by the fingertips rule. I’ve had the body of Gumby since I was 10 years old. No one with long legs has short arms. THAT WOULD BE A T-REX. So naturally, my fingertips basically hung around my ankles. Just kidding, I’m not an ape, jeeze. But seriously, I was told I could only wear shorts that passed the fingertips test.

Telling a freshly hormonal teen just trying to be cool as shit that she can only wear men’s shorts to school is basically social suicide. Naturally, like a baby bitch I cried to my mom, who promptly called the school (yeah she was a Karen before Karen’s existed so take THAT), which then led to a principal’s office fashion show. I shit you not, I was requested to model an array of American Eagle shorts for my MALE PRINCIPAL to approve if I could continue to wear them to school or not. Why? Because I was being threatened with punishment for not following the dress code JUST BECAUSE MY BODY BUILT DIFFERENT, BABY. I think we all know this scene would never take place today. Principal Creep would’ve been cancelled so fast it would’ve made your head spin while I strutted my booty shorts down the hallway. Regardless, this perv allowed a select few pairs of shorts, and I’m pretty confident they were all bermuda shorts. A trend that try as I might, I still wake up in a cold sweat thinking about how hideous they were. You know what doesn’t look good with a big ole booty and long legs? Shorts that are fitted and knee-length. Add braces, frizzy hair and an AGGRESSIVE sweating problem to that and you’ve got 7th grade Julia in a nutshell. THIS IS WHY I’M FUNNY. (Seriously, peep that wide angle, knee length khaki cargo skirt.)

Credit to me for going significantly shorter in 8th grade. TRY AND STOP ME NOW I’M ALMOST IN HIGH SCHOOL.

So, as you can see from my digression, the fingertip rule has haunted me my entire life and posed a real problem when faced with business casj. The first job that I was required to dress professionally (not wearing a Wegmans polo and black pants) was working for my dad at his small window and door business. By small I mean it was me, my dad and one other employee who was in her early twenties. Most people who work for their dad get that straight nepotism treatment and collect their check as if it’s basically allowance. When I worked for my dad, he made me cry for what I thought was perfectly acceptable office attire. WHAT A MEAN DAD. I showed up to my first day of work the summer between my sophomore and junior year of college wearing a shiny short sleeve blouse with beads around the neck, black shorts and black flats fit for the Mayflower with a ginormous silver buckle on them. My dad immediately shouted WHAT ARE YOU WEARING?! And told me to go home and change. Sweat trickled down my back as I flashed back to 7th grade and looked around to see if my crush Brogan was watching this go down. Then I remembered I was 20 years old and thought I could WEAR SHORTS TO AN OFFICE. No seriously, I fought him on this. I go these are my dressy business shorts. BUSINESS. SHORTS. Who the hell did 20 year old Ju think she was? I dug my buckled flats right into the carpet and told him this was a nice outfit. I even brought my mom into the fold trying to get her to defend me. I was on my own for this one, partner. We were back to the Principal’s fashion show except this time, my mom was taking me to the mall to buy business casj and model it for my DAD afterward. Needless to say, the shorts were never worn to the office again. I can confirm, however, that I wore them out on the town NO LESS THAN 100 TIMES, further proving that these shorts had no business being near the word business. Frat parties, bars, concerts, you name it, these shorts made an appearance over the next 5 years until I inevitably got too fat for them. Please enjoy a slideshow of my “business professional” black “dress” shorts. (Sorry for being a trash monster employee, dad.)

From there we graduated to knowing that shorts were a hard no, but learning that I could wear bike shorts underneath my dresses that were too short. That way, if I bent over someone gets an eyeful of black spandex rather than butthole. It was genius. I could continue to go from daywear to evening wear with just the removal of my spanky pants. No more measuring the fingertip to fabric ratio in the Forever 21 dressing room when you’ve got a failsafe. Think smarter not harder. I continued to do this with crop tops–add a tank top underneath and wear a high skirt, bingo bango, biz casj. I really started to push it when working with my sister at my first full time job post-college. My boss was no longer my dad, but I pushed hard for the reinstatement of casual Friday’s, emboldened by the fact that my sister was now my co-worker and everyone listened to whatever she said. Casj Friday’s consisted of us rolling in hungover from Dollar Thursday’s at the Sky Chiefs game wearing jeans, a graphic tee and reeking of Bud Lattes. Apparently casual days also extended to all of winter as I took the liberty of wearing my zebra Snuggie full-time because the heat wasn’t properly circulating in my cubicle. The issue that many people face, but few discuss with a Snuggie is that it’s far too long to walk in and there’s nothing that keeps it intact as you move freely about the cabin. Again, it was my big brain that tackled this fashion faux pa by instructing my sister to snap the back of my Snuggie shut with binder clips and walk the halls of our office like I was checking in on my disciples.

As I cycled through jobs (ooh baby did I cycle), I always started out strong, trying my hardest to look profesh. Putting my best foot forward. I began to wear dresses that ALMOST hit my knees and begrudgingly, I began to accept that business slacks were inevitable. When I started a new job in spring of 2019, I got all sorts of jazzed for the fresh start, went out and bought leopard and red biz pants to show that not only was I destined to be in the C suite someday but also I’d be trendy as hell when I finally made it. My first day I rocked those red pants like you wouldn’t believe. Came home and made my boyfriend do a full photoshoot of me on the porch like it was the first day of school. Went to change into my jammies later on and THAT’S when I realized there was a gaping hole right down the seam of the butt of these pants. My first day ABIDING BY THE LAWS OF BIZ CASJ and everyone still got front row seats to my buhhole. What a treat for all.

Too busy lookin profesh AF to feel the breeze on my butt cheeks.

It was then (and three days later when while wearing my leopard dress pants my boss quit and left me high and dry at a brand new job) that I decided it was time to give up on perfecting the art of business casualwear. Being that I was working in the entertainment industry, it was finally time to let my freak flag fly. Graphic tees and jeans AWL DAY. And guess what? Never once did I get canned for my 🔥 flamin fits, SO HA.

This shirt was probably accurate, this company was RIPE with happy hours.

And once again, we’ve come full circle, as life tends to do. After being unemployed for almost 2 years, wearing coordinated sweatsuits or jazzy bike shorts depending on the season, ditching the notion of a bra completely, I am once again expected to dress in officewear. What was a problem for my lanky ass body in 7th grade, is even more of a problem today as the length of any fabric of clothing (top or bottom) has ceased to exist. I was recently at a country concert in the year of our Lord 2021 and saw so much belly and bits between the crops and the junderwear on the youths, I felt like we needed Chris Hansen to come break up the party, STAT. And I’ve gotta find dresses that are long enough for work?! Get the hell out of here. Unless I’m shopping at Target’s recent colonial woman churning butter collection (the women’s section), I’m fresh out of options. Picking out a work outfit that isn’t pajamas and isn’t a “try to keep up with the trends so you don’t look old in a bar” specialty is a straight up nightmare. And therefore, I propose we eliminate the mere notion of BUSINESS CASUAL. What EVEN IS IT?! Me rocking my fresh new leopard fanny pack to work with a stack of my business cards inside of it? That’s biz casj as hell. I do my job just as well in my cozies as I would in ripped slacks trying to fit the part. SO LET IT HAPPEN. Who’s with me?! Let’s hit the picket line. ABOLISH BIZ CASJ OR WE STRIKE!

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Red Carpet

Emmys Red Carpet 2021

Is it too soon to say we’re back? Cause I *THINK* we’re finally back with awards shows. Hopefully no more Zoom awards or 15 locations or celebrities pretending they wear masks or socially distance or WUTEVER. If you’ll recall this time last year we were judging people’s pajamas from their laptop screen grabs. It was dismal. AND NOW we’ve got people ACTUALLY getting dressed and walking an ACTUAL red carpet again. Look how far we’ve come! The Emmys were as normal as they could’ve been for an awards show that picked a comedian straight out of the early 2000’s to host. CEDRIC THE ENTERTAINER?! REALLY?! Besides my untethered rage for that, I managed to watch the entire show and grin every single time Ted Lasso scooped an award, beaming from my couch proudly as if my own besties were accepting. Happy for them. Most importantly, I drove 4.5 hours behind MANY human beings who deemed it necessary to ride their brakes on a highway and I still managed to walk into my apt, rip open my laptop and spend several hours giving my esteemed commentary on these fashion choices. Am I a hero? Some may say so. (That’s my polite way of saying I have essentially passed and there’s a very real chance this red carpet blog is one of my worst but I’m nothing if not a slave to the content and I would be very disappointed in myself if I missed the kickoff to awards szn so thanks for supporting me for better or for worse, love you so much, byeeeeeeeeeeeee.)

WORST.

Anna-Konkle-Maya-Erskine

The Pen15 duo lives in the early 2000’s for their middle school characters but that doesn’t mean we have to dress like it too, ladies. The small checkers, bedazzled bow and a tiny purse were all a swing and a miss for me.

gillian-anderson

What fresh hell is this? A grandfather clock of tassels? Not a chance I’m not tugging on each one of those if I came in contact with this hot mess of a dress.

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LET ME BE CLEAR THAT NO MATTER HOW YOU STYLE THE RUFFLE IT STILL SUCKS. Oohh let’s do a serpentine ruffle down her bod. NOOOOPE. 

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Don’t get it twisted, sister I LOOOOOVE this color. Love love love it. But I cannot stand for so much style confusion. Skirt plus pants plus wrap blazer plus button down? Pick a lane!

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Schitt’s Creek got sloppy as hell now that they’re off the air and not nominated for every damn award. They’re like we swept last year so IDGAF what we look like this year. This baggy number is slob kebab city.

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Running it back to almost exactly what I said for Mindy at the Met Gala. I’ve seen her absolutely knock my socks off with fashionable and funky lewks. THIS AIN’T IT, SIS. I don’t know why she’s being so lame on red carpets lately but enough with the satin blacks and blues. And HONEY, the giant bow will ALWAYS be a no.

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Hella Victorian Queen vibes with a ripped curtain, cake tier style. I half expected a powdered wig to top it all off.

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What?! Was this planned or was there an unexpected fall chill in the air in LA? (When it drops below 90 that’s a chill for them.) Because there is no other excuse for this “I just borrowed my husband’s blazer to toss over my evening gown because they were blasting the AC too high” mood.

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This is a poop suit.

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Does Allison Janney have a mullet? I can’t cosign that hairstyle or the peplum waist and giant shawl. 

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MEH. I feel like this isn’t doing anything great for her. Not the worst thing I’ve ever seen, certainly better than what the Olsen Twins of darkness would wear on a red carpet, but still I expected more out of Elizabeth.

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I’m cool with Seth’s new college professor haircut and glasses combo but I’m not cool with the earth tones suit. 

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This might throw you off because normally if you’ve read any of my previous red carpets, you’ll notice that I get a fashion boner for bright colors and/or pops of color. So many celebs go for black or classic colors so whenever I see something spicy I jump on it. This is partially because I’m a color whore in my own fashion choices (and will not leave the house with a scrunchie that isn’t coordinated with my outfit) and also because when you blog every red carpet for 7 years, you start to need a little color to keep it FRE$H. Now that I’ve rambled my face off…I do not like this pop of color. I was scrolling down on this picture and was like oohh loving this bronze goddess and then I hit the shoes and almost threw up in my hands. So aggressive. So loud.

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If the comically large belts that provide no purpose other than to give you a mid-belly or underboob elastic mark make a comeback I’m OUT ON FASHION FOREVER. Giant belts were the WORST. Actually, gaucho pants were the worst but at least they were comfy as hell. Strapping on a belt in the middle of your body made you look like Trunchbull coming back from a shotputting competition AND ALSO pushed your lumps to other places and basically felt like you were wearing a waist trainer in public. UGH don’t make us go back to that. *Note Kathryn is also wearing a peplum tube top so I guess she REALLY embraced the new millennium.  

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This is a woodland fairy costume and you cannot convince me otherwise. Dear lord, is that a jelly purse?

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Honestly this might be a biased judgment but I had to sit through that CRINGEWORTHY opening rap that made no sense and I would like to eternal sunshine of the spotless mind that RIGHT out of my brain. Cedric could’ve looked like the hottest guy on the red carpet and I think I still would’ve bitterly tossed him on the worst dressed. Sorry bud, them’s the breaks. Can you imagine hosting an awards show and visibly bombing EVERY time you have the mic? Yooikkes on bikes. 

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This is a full-length ice dancer gown.

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This has to be a bit, right?! Like someone shot Nicole an invite to the Emmys and she was like I AM GOING TO GO FULL 60’s negligee in royal purple..

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Y’all know I don’t like celebs forcing their bits down our throats. We know you’ve got em. You diet and have personal trainers and all the money for plastic surgery in the world. We got it. No need to see upstairs yabbos and downstairs curtains on a red carpet. 

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One deep sigh away from a full frontal eyeful of boobs. There’s just way too much going on here, I don’t even know where to begin.

Vanessa Lachey

LeT’s JuSt GlUe cHuNks oF sHiNy fAbRiC 2GeThEr.

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Oh good, if you don’t want to wear a 3 feet wide belt with a patent leather buckle, you can just go straight for the outside corset. The corset RUINED this beautiful dress.

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MANDY. Girl. WHAT ARE YOU DOING?! Bangs are fine. Whatever. I’d never choose the bang life but if I were going to, I’d want them to look like this. But the pieces hanging down on the side? Nope. And the pieces hanging out off the side of her dress making her look like she’s got a comically large apple bottom dump truck? NOOOOOOOOPE. THIS IS SO UNFLATTERING I CANNOT UNDERSTAND WHY ONE WOULD USE TULLE TO MAKE IT LOOK LIKE YOU’RE A NESTING DOLL. 

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If this either of these two wore this look solo I’d be like DAMN GET AFTER IT. But because they chose to both wear zesty zoot suits, I HAVE to laugh directly in their faces. What an outrageous couples move. This is like the modern Britney and Justin denim Dan look–Zubaz style. Wow some people really took Tiger King and made it their personality. Ok I think i’m done roasting this duet. Omg I just noticed the matching manis. 

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KEWL BLOOD RED PARACHUTE!

emmacorrin

WHAT THE FUCK IS THIS (PARDON MY FRENCH BUT ALSO NOT REALLY) BECAUSE THE ACTRESS WHO PLAYED SWEET SWEET PRINCESS DI IN THE CROWN IS WEARING A LITERAL SWIMMERS CAP, FINGERLESS GLOVES AND BLACK CLAWS. The Met Gala was last week, girl. Just because you weren’t invited doesn’t mean you can pull this shit on a normie red carpet. 

BEST.

Anthony-Anderson

I LOOOVE this classy floral pop.

Evan-Peters-Julie-Peters

You bring your mom on the red carpet, you’re guaranteed getting laid at the after party once Mom’s gone home to bed. That’s a fact, Jack. Nothing makes chicks wetter than this classic actor mama’s boy move. Evan also won an Emmy on top of this so DOUBLE getting laid. Good work, bruh.

Hannah-waddingham

Hannah has a body that won’t quit and I’m obsessed with her character on Ted Lasso. I could do without this weird one shoulder joint but I felt like she brought the heat otherwise. 

issarae

I wholeheartedly appreciate the full bodysuit underneath so we weren’t dealing with bedazzled areolas here but this dress is S T U N N I N G!

olivia-coleman

I like a cape because I support any awards show look where you can eat and drink your face off and not have to worry about your figure. Plus I bet it gives mad swish on the dance floor. I also would like a closer look at these heels because they look jazzy AF.

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I mean it’s Kate Winslet and she looks fabulous no matter what. Would’ve liked more of a risk but this is still a beaut.

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Hands down my favorite look of the evening. Everything’s coming up Ted Lasso, ladies and gents. Can you imagine your baby mama leaving you for Harry Styles and this is your rebuttal?! Jason has the #1 show, he’s about to be raking in 1 MILLION DOLLARS per episode and he looks like a total babe soda. Definite upgrade from last year’s wake and bake appearance at the Globes:

jason

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Billy is keeping it pretty tame this time around but I feel like he’s going for his own VS Angel fashion show and I feel like he earned those wings.

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Obviously I’ve dumped all over belts enough for one blog…you know how i feel about them…but the rest of the look is elegant and Old Hollywood glamour for the Beanster (who looks nothing like Monica Lewinsky and I’ll die on this hill.)

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PURPLE AND TURQUOISE, JEWEL TONES GET AT ME GIRL.

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The best part about these shoulder bows is that they’re somewhat obstructed from view due to their placement. So we’ll let them slide. Confetti party dress, FTW!

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I purposefully did not include any plain bagel who wore a straight black tux/suit. I don’t have time for that shit anymore. Sorry not sorry. I DID include Zach Braff because he put a spin on the straight black tux with this patterned jacket and I appreciated it. Lookin sharp, BB!

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Amy, this is how you rock the hell out of an oversized suit jacket. This set is fine, but the way that Leslie is WERKIN it really sells the whole damn package. 

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Oh, my lanta! Keri Russell with shimmering leaf boobs. I’M BLUSHING!

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This is a Belle moment if I’ve ever seen one. Even though Anya played the booziest chess player, she shows up at every awards show looking like she was made to wear a fancy gown. BTW, this gown is backless and Anya also gives good back.

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IT’S FALL SO BLUE VELOUR IS OK AGAIN, Y’ALL.

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But also so is fuchsia because we’ll never let go of summer and that’s pretty obvious. In the words of my four year old niece who put her own unique spin on Aqua’s 1997 hit, “Come on Barbie let’s go darty.”

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I kinda love the fact that this is played out as heck but Sterling K will never walk a red carpet without shades. It is the red bow on the package of his awards show look and it slaps every time.

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Ellen is also exuding BJE (big jumpsuit energy) and I’m vibing with it. The bedazzled hoops, the pony, the lines of jewels are all a YES.

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I feel like we see Catherine in black so often that I’m embracing a foray into coral. Supes fun. (It’s past my bedtime and yes I realize that I’m now moonwalking into “lame and unoriginal caption” territory. GET OVER IT.)

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YEAH VELVET LOAFERS ARE GONNA GET YOU ON THE BEST DRESSED LIST AND THAT SEEMS OBVIOUS. Hugh Hefner silk pjs up top would’ve really crushed, but whatevs. 

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I really only put this photo up for Leslie who is essentially wearing a Sigfried and Roy Vegas stage show costume and I’m drooling all the way for it. Clearly I need to get more shimmer and shine in my wardrobe.

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JEAN SMART IS A 70 YEAR OLD SEX SYMBOL.

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CATHERINE ZETA-JONES IS A 51 YEAR OLD SEX SYMBOL. (Also matching shoes and lipstick it’s like she knows the way to my heart or something.)

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Cynthia had mermaid vibes at the Met and now again at the Emmys and I DON’T HATE IT. This is fancy free and funky fresh (minus the 7 inch french tips) PS don’t think I didn’t notice that tiny belt. DIE AWAY FROM ME, BELTS.

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Clean look and I appreciate a sassy shoe.

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Fresh off some divorce news and letting us all know that she’s a good time gal who wears the shit out of neons and flowers!

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I love this! Great fit, great color on her and simple jewels that accent the vintage look perfectly!

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Rosie Perez as a Golden Goddess.

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Jennifer Coolidge has curves for DAYzzZz.

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I’m obsessed with everything about this. Pink tie, dog cane, top hat and F AWL the way off facial expression.

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Lil Dicky trying to make up for the fact that he was a willing participant in the opening rap trainwreck with this sharp look. People don’t forget, LD. That was even more embarrassing than season 2 of Dave.

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Another cringe partner in crime for the opening rap. Seriously, how did they come up with this motley crew of ruining Biz Markie’s legacy forever? We may never know. I do know Rita looks like a rocker bang piece though.

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Uhhhh DUH I’m gonna shout the hell out of this pastel pink getup. 

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Great color, fun texture. I really wanna cop a feel and see how this bad boy feels IRL. (It’s not creepy, I like to touch fabrics in stores too. When they’re on the hanger tho…not on people.)

Sophia-Bush

My raging girl crush on Sophia Bush has been reignited with this perfect princess lewk.

 

 

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Red Carpet

Met Gala Red Carpet 2021

Well this was a little unexpected to say the least! The Met Gala traditionally takes place in May and when I saw rumblings of it yesterday I had just assumed that they announced the theme or something. We just had the VMA’s the night before (we meaning not me because I finally learned my lesson that I’ve aged out) and then suddenly on a Monday afternoon I’m seeing red carpet photos cropping up from the Met. How is it that I know Blues Clues is having it’s 25th anniversary but I didn’t know when the Met Ball was taking place? Seems as though Anna Wintour needs to refer to the advertising execs over at Nick Jr. for some pointers. I googled the theme as I tend to do even though it absolutely means NOTHING. I don’t even know why they go through the formality of announcing a theme because you get the crop of people who wear what they wear on every red carpet and then the more alternative crowd that will wear whatever bizarro thing they can get their hands on. No theme necessary. But anyway, the theme this year is “In America: A Lexicon of Fashion” which essentially boils down to only fashion made in America. Cause our country is GrrrrrrReat. If you had asked my sister what the theme was she would’ve replied Nudity because her observation of red carpets between the VMA’s and the Met was “what even is the point of wearing clothes? A piece of fabric seems wasteful at this point.” She’s not wrong. Let’s judge some nudes.

WORST

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What do we have here?! It’s bell hop/waiter/magician/priest/Aladdin/Johnny F’ing Baseball. I refuse to adapt to the screaming ovaries of every female who slobbers for this little punk. There is nothing sexy about this.

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Lace leggings had their moment in the 80’s and 90’s and I think we can all see very clearly why they should never make a comeback. Ain’t NOTHING flattering or forgiving about skin tight lace. Does she have a lacy camel toe?

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I understand that this was a cultural nod to her mixed heritage. All I see is a cultural nod to Hey Arnold.

helga

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The Met Ball is the ONLY place you’ll see me boo’ing people off the red carpet for being BORING AS HELL. You’ve got people wearing capes and crowns and showing their labias and you decided to put on a PLAIN BLACK TUXEDO THAT DOESN’T EVEN FIT PROPERLY? Did you get this at David’s Bridal, Channing? Clean it up.

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I see that he’s going for a global gay statement here and yet I can’t seem to get down with the balloon map-printed sleeves on top with combat boots on the bottom. Ew, David.

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What is this Little House on the Prairie meets Biker Gang? What a ridiculous mash-up that I do not welcome with open arms.

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You know that I can usually get down with loungewear at a formal event but it HAS TO BE CUTE LOUNGEWEAR. This looks like one of those stupid hip hop dance costumes they used to make me wear in middle school. Flashy but easy to move in. No matter how cool I thought I looked grooving to PG hip hop tunes onstage, I surely looked exactly like this B. Clown city.

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Oh hey there guy, thanks for the nightmares! Also that side salad of a large scab on your shin. Yum.

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Can we do a wellness check on this girl? 

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Kimmy K’s style trope of the moment is covering her whole face. Which is fine. We don’t really need to see it to know what an a*hole she is. Glad we left a hole for that pony though. God forbid your clip in hair not drag along the floor with your cloaks.

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The ONLY thing I immediately thought of with this number was the symphony of rainbow bridesmaid dresses from Confessions of a Shopaholic. 

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This dress is beautiful and then she tacked A GIANT FLOWER ON HER SHOULDER. Whoever is advising this as a kewl accessory needs to be fired.

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Everyone was like OH THE KING AND QUEEN HAVE ARRIVED. Get the hell out of here. I didn’t even know who ASAP Rocky was and Rihanna is wearing a G-D beanie on her head condom style. This look individually is trash (is that a quilt, ASAP?), collectively it’s a freight train of garbage.

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For the same reason I boo’ed our pal Channing, I gotta give it to Jimmy as well. I get that you’re a straight white male at the Met Gala but literally do ANYTHING but the black tux. Even a slate grey would slap harder than this.

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Anna Wintour may run the entire fashion world but here at the Salty Ju, I run shit. I’m the boss. And Anna, you can look me right in the eyes when I say this dress stinks. Collar AND sleeve ruffles AND cake tier ruffles at the bottom all in a bold floral print? WOOF.

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One time my next door neighbor had a race car themed birthday party and we all literally wore cardboard cars the whole time. They looked exactly like this dress. 

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I still can’t get over the fact that he’s trying to believably play a high school character in his latest flick when this 70’s style right here is probably an accurate depiction of what he really wore in high school. BOOM. Roasted.

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The key to the Met is to go gimmicky outrageous costume without looking like you literally stopped at a Spirit in an old deserted strip mall and picked up a “flapper/sexy maid from Clue” costume.

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SHE’S GOT A SWORD!!! Where do we draw the line with weapons at a public event?

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Get the hell out of my face with this, JLo. You think you can just step off of a yacht fresh from summering in Italy with Ben Affleck and dress up like a pimp with Native American undertones? Blow it out your ass. First and foremost, Brown should NEVER be a color choice for a dress. Secondly, where’s Ben? You guys break up again? Summer lovin had you a blast and now that you’re back from vacay things are hitting a little different? Just wondering. Text me.

UGH. NEVERMIND (deepest of eye rolls)..your lips aren’t even touching when you kiss with masks on so you just look like closed eye idiots.

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I couldn’t figure out what was so off-putting about this look. Was it the unicorn horn of a hairstyle or the fact that the bottom of this dress looks like a 3-D caterpillar? 

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Bieber pulled this shit at the VMA’s too and I’m having a hard time understanding how someone so skinny can’t find a pair of pants that fit him. He is DROWNING in these trousers. And Hailey with the shades is laugh out loud funny. These two really think they are royalty. You think you’re above a theme for the biggest fashion event of the year? Get lawst. 

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Not only does this look terribly heavy and uncomfortable, it’s also hideous. This is a huge swing and a miss for Simone. Girl is HOT off the heels of what I would assume is her last Olympics representing our country and she should’ve charged in here with the dopest USA themed outfit in the joint. And she decided instead to wear sparkly silver turd plops around her waist. Kewl. 

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Thanks for stopping by in your diamond encrusted negligee, Zoe! No need to carry all that excess chainage, next time just roll through in your rhinestone thong since that’s basically the same thing anyway.

The next three photos are entitled: Bangz: A Regret That Affects Us All

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So great of Meg to take some time out of defiling Airbnb kitchen tables and touching black tongues with MGK to attach these vomtastic bangs to her domepiece and make an appearance.

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This dress would be fine but then BANGS.

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Kristen really went the extra mile to give her bangs some pomp and circumstance.

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Oh, goodie! Lorde is back to scare us at all the awards shows again.

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Roseanne Roseannadanna coming in hot but she has to leave early to hit up the dojo and earn that blue belt.

roseanne

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My first thought: ope there’s her vagina front and center. My second thought: can you imagine eating ANYTHING on Met Ball day and then wearing this? We’d be able to see if you had even a bowl of cereal. Sick loin cloth, tho.

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I don’t know all that much about fashion but I can say without a shadow of a doubt that Shrek baby was not “made in America.”

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What fresh hell is this? It’s like Jessica Rabbit, wedding style? I obviously hate it.

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Props to Taylor for matching her pedi to the exact color of the dress because that’s 1000% something I would do if I ever had a “it takes a village” moment. But this dress ain’t it. 

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This is a sheer window treatment.

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Mindy doesn’t look BAD but I’ve also seen her dress better for just a casual backyard photoshoot for her Instagram so I know she’s got more in her than a low pony and a navy blue gown. She wears the hell out of funky colors and patterns and this was a total lamewad safe move at a place where it’s encouraged to take risks.

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Not this risk though. This one fell flat for me. Mostly because I’m getting a little jaded with the oopsie I’m naked look. Jeremy looks pretty dece though, he was just brought down by the flowers for nips arm candy.

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I’ve never been a fan of the big collar or shoulder moment. Brings me back to the shoulder padded blazers of the 80’s. The taffeta flower on her thigh is also doing that. 

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WHAT AN ASSHOLE MOVE by Kris Jenner. She should be disinvited. You think because you invented reality TV and built an empire off of a sex tape that you can just wear a basic black ladysuit to the Met Ball? Your daughter stepped out of a towncar in a head to toe leather dominatrix ensemble over the weekend. That was just a regular Saturday for her. Either you step up your game or you sit at home getting wine drunk. Don’t embarrass Kim like that ever again…she can do it all by herself as seen above.

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Take a beat to notice the CONTRAST between Kris “I’ll just wear a Hilary Clinton pantsuit” Jenner and this broad right here who is wearing a LITERAL horse head. I can only hope she’s neighing and galloping around whipping that horse tail of a braid into the NYC breeze.

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Oh no, bbgurl. I get that your mom is Madonna. You’ve got big shoes to fill. But nope. This is another Spirit Halloween Gypsy costume. Return for a full refund, honay.

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As much as this would’ve been my dream prom dress from Deb back in the day, she looks physically uncomfortable in this. Her left boob looks like it’s about to be torn in half. The things we do for fashion.

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the PERFECT closer to the WERST dressed list. I don’t know what this chick’s name is but from here on out it’s forever Tommy Pickles because she is WEARING A DIAPER.

tommypickles

BEST

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This is some mermaid REALness.

Amanda Gorman

Apparently Amanda Gorman was going for a Statue of Liberty theme (the statue of Liberty is essentially green…but ok) all I could think of when I saw this dress was that shitty 90’s song that goes “Oh my starry eyed surprise” so Amanda I hope you’re gonna dance all night to this DJ in that majestic ‘fit.

Barbie Ferreira

The hair and makeup is questionable but I’ve always been a sucker for a pearl dress. Girl is dripping in decadence.

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Lil Nas X is never one to shy away from a scene. This was part 3 of his outfit unveiling, part two being a suit of golden armor and part 1 a very *catholic* looking extravagant gold robe. I’m partial to this sparkly tracksuit out of all three lewks and I think he rocked it. 

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I’m torn here because I LOATHE the color peach and her bangs but when I saw it photographed in a different light it looked like much more of a muted blush so I’m gonna give the benefit of the doubt here because Billie in an elegant gown is much appreciated after a year plus of her gracing red carpets in neon green space buns and silky pj’s. An effort was made here and I very much appreciate it.

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Ok, ok, I get it Troye. Your body is better than mine. I have a bridesmaid dress that was originally ordered for a November 2020 wedding but then Covid hit…so the last time this dress has physically been on my body was August of 2020 when I tried it on for the first time out of the box. It has hung in a deep dark corner of my closet since then, cloaked in shadows and shame because I can tell you with the utmost confidence that it no longer fits. I’ve put on a few panny pounds and it shows. Rather than facing my fears and trying it on, I’ve been eating ice cream and brownies every night after dinner. We all cope in different ways. Troye apparently copes by showing off his banging bodying in a slinky black gown, nips out for the boys. WUTEVER.

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This dress and cape look stunning on her!

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I mean, Barbie and Ken? Yes, please.

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Hey all you creeps and weirdos, this is how you incorporate Covid’s new hottest fashion without giving us all the nightmares in the world. Crushing this routfit.

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I could def do without the bleached eyebrows but I’m kinda digging the rest of this look right down to the stirrups. Love a good pair of stirrups. Never have to worry about your leggings riding up when they’re hooked to your heel!

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What the hell is more American than Ralph Lauren? I put these two on the best dressed specifically for that.

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This is more on the boring spectrum of playing it safe but she is rocking this dress so I respect it.

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THIS IS HOW YOU DO A TASTEFUL NUDE, LADIES. TAKE NOTES.

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Maybe it’s the hint at camo or maybe it’s the muted nudes but this is definitely one of my favorite looks of the nights. So soft and beautiful.

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The style of the dress is kind of the equivalent of wearing a paper bag but she’s preggers so it’s probably comfortable as hell and we’ll give her a pass. The teal is to die for.

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Ooh baby lime green and hot pink lips YES MA’AM! Kit looks dapper as well. At least he put a white coat on instead of going for black on black….channing.

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As my friend Kat said, imagine sitting behind Iman? Seriously though you ain’t seeing for miles behind this headdress. This is EPIC. That’s how you rule a red carpet. Poor Megan Thee Stallion is looking at her like, I gotta follow this?!

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Big booty big ole Megan held her own though. Loving the soft pink on her.

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GIRL this red is fabulous. Not so much the posing of the claws though. Hope you don’t poke your butthole when you’re wiping. T’s and P’s. (The more that I think about it, how much you wanna bet celebrities have their assistants wipe for them so they don’t accidentally tear their anus or vaginal walls with a rogue claw? Jus sayin..these are the things I think about after a glass of wine.)

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DEBBIE HARRY!!! GET. IT. GURL. I LOOOOOVE this look. This is ‘MURICA. Bitch has a flag hoop skirt and a jean jacket. If that ain’t the US of A I don’t know what is. She crushed it.

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This is pretty boring but also I felt rude about putting her on the worst dressed when she still looks like a bangpiece.

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Oh my lanta I want to roll around in this skirt. It looks so silky and smooth like a metallic river. Kacey looks bomb.com.

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Kendall Jenner looks radiant and I can boo the rest of the Kardashian Klan all day and twice on Sunday but I’ll never come for Kendall. 

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If this were any other type of fabric it’d be on the worst dressed list but because it’s denim I’m all in. It is giving me very happy flashbacks to the Justin and Britney denim duo and it’s perfect for this theme.

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I’m obsessed with this look. Alicia looks amazing and I couldn’t help but wonder where she drew inspiration from (wink)

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IS SHE WEARING THE ISADORA DIAMOND? Just kidding. But also not really because the colored jewels and the pastel look isn’t far off from our girl Andie Anderson. Love the sparkle and the fur for added drama.

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You gotta be bold as hell to be like I’m just gonna show up in pinstripes like a gangsta. The gold sequins is an added bonus.

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I believe this is the only purple of the evening and boy oh boy is it bold. Love that Shawn went leather jacket, no shirt and Camila went for bright purple sequins and feathers. Go big or go home.

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This is a double whammy with fitting the theme (Football IS America) and supporting her mans. What a class act.

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Taraji is not playing with this look or this facial expression. She’s like try me, I dare you.

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Oh alright you intergalactic princess, you.

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PULLING. THEM. OFF. (this joke will hit with about 3% of my regular readers but if you’re a fan of How I Met Your Mother, it’s worth it.)

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I laughed out loud at how dopey and proud Pete Davidson is to be included in a fashion event. That smile and the pose with his jacket says it all. On top of that he referred to his look as “slutty nun” and that’s also hilarious to me as you see his little chopstick tattooed legs peeking out of this skirt.

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Rita is a sparkly sensation!

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YOOOO Sharon Stone can still GET IT. Although I would’ve loved to see a little more of that bangin bod that you KNOW she still has, I’m still into this classic black cape with sparkly emerald earrings. Take notes, Kris Jenner.

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Legitimately thought this was Khloe Kardashian at first. What a mind trip to find out it’s Hailee Steinfeld. This textured gold mini is FIERCE though.

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Give it to me in that Miami Vice pastel suit with a silk number underneath.

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We’ve seen a LOT of gold numbers tonight but this dress was MADE for MJ.

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HEY SIMONE, THIS IS HOW YOU WEAVE BEING A FAMOUS US ATHLETE INTO THE THEME. Gawd. Show some country pride like Megan did.

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Ayesha looks like she wants to cut a bitch but other than that these two coordinated well and both look like babe sodas.

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This is the kind of floral garden I’m down with. Not flowers that you NEED to cover your bits, but flowers that add to the already beautiful and flattering gown.

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Even though this is a HORRIFIC angle and makes DVF look like she has a cancerous lump growing out of her side (it’s her knee) I love the cheetah and olive tones AND of course the fact that she matched her mask. Masks, so hot right now.

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Donatella was like IDGAF I’m going to show up like it’s my wedding in Lake Como. She’s 66 years old and she’s all I’m gonna go Like a Virgin on their asses.

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As someone who buys an item of clothing for someone else as a gift and then promptly buys a matching one for herself, I’m VERY into the twinning thing. Love that they did this.

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Sienna with the fur cape looks like her house smells of rich mahogany and cigars.

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I’m obsessed with a canary yellow and I don’t care who knows it. This color looks bonkers good on her.

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Never thought I’d be so down with the classic white button up but both looks that incorporated it are chic as hell.

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Head to toe perfection. The hair accents, the earrings, everything goes together perfectly.

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A princess ball gown and the pop of contrasting color with her jewels are chef’s kiss.

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If you guys haven’t figured it out yet I’m really getting a hard on for summer colors here. Especially because summer isn’t over even though you Fall betches are trying to make it over. This is so fun and funky.

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Looking past the bangs (WHY WITH THE BANGS, EVERYONE) to appreciate the Barbie pink awesomeness. I want this gown and matching cape.

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DAYUMN OLIVIA RODRIGO, GET ALL OF IT AND THEN SOME! I previously rapped hard about lace leggings on Serena and how they’re not flattering. Apparently they can be flattering AF on a stick figure teenager in the prime of her high metabolism. Important to note. Embrace these years, BB, it’s all downhill from here.

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JUice

Weekly JUice

Week of May 24th, 2021

 

1. I Was R I G H T.

As you might recall, the announcement of the Friends Reunion hit around February of 2020 and I was QUICK to tell everyone to calm the hell down about it. Refresh your memory HERE. Well folks, nothing brings me more pure joy than being THE MOST RIGHT. The Friends Reunion dropped yesterday, I saddled up to watch all two hours of it and it was NEARLY unwatchable. WHAT A LOAD OF GARBAGE. And if you’re a true Friends fan and you don’t agree with me, check yourself if you’re letting your fangirl bias get in the way. That was two straight hours of FLUFF. The same information could’ve been retained from a 5 minute feature on a late show. *Spoiler Alert for those who care about this trash ass reunion being spoiled* We had strangers from all over the world telling us how much they love the TV show, a collection of random celebrities describing specific scenes that we’ve already seen 900 times or telling us how much they love the TV show, a completely useless “fashion show” also including random celebs, and a couple of Friends guest star appearances for a VERY brief hello. Also, a Lady Gaga cameo for Smelly Cat that made me cringe to death. Hosted by James Corden, the special spliced between a live “interview” with the friends all in front of the original fountain from the intro, pre-taped conversations of them on the recreated set, flashbacks to old clips and a few little games with the cast. It was awkward and just a lot of the cast members crying and saying they love each other. Cool beans. The big dramatic *reveal* was that Jen Aniston and David Schwimmer wanted to bone each other IRL but never did because they were always in relationships while filming. So they channeled their horniness for each other into the characters. WOWOWOWOWOWOW. If it sounds like I’m bitter for how poorly this was done, please know that I am. Aside from the lack of content that these two hours produced, if I may make two personal observations. 1. It looks like the men have had more work done facially speaking than the women. It was a WHOLE lotta frozen old face up in that B. 2. Matthew Perry (aka Chandler) is clearly the odd man out. It became very obvious through group interactions that none of them have chosen to hang out with him personally in the past 15 years and also no one really cares to hear what he has to say now. I feel like he maybe got 5 words in edgewise the whole special. Poor Chanandler Bong. If you want to torture yourself, feel free to flip this bad boy on and drink every time one of them says “it feels just like no time has passed and we all just slipped right back into it.” Eye roll my G-D face off.

2. Ariana Stole My Birthday.

Ariana Grande decided my 30th birthday would be the ideal day to get married to her man of the mo’ and honestly HOW DARE SHE? I probably will not need to be concerned about this for longer than today because there’s not a chance in hell these two clowns make it even to their first anniversary. Maybe they’ll pop out a kid soon because that’s what’s hot in the streets with celebs in their twenties these days. Bet celebs don’t have their moms telling them on their 30th birthday they should look into freezing their eggs because they already have 3 kids by then. AnYwHo, Vogue did a whole spread on the fashion and lewks from Ariana’s low-key at-home nuptials. As someone who rips red carpet fashion like nobody’s biz, nothing is going to stop me from doing the same for Ariana’s big day. Here’s the spread.

From the neck up, I approve. Makeup is flawless, signature Ariana half up pony has an elegant spin to it with the vintage short veil and bow. Then we move downtown on this getup and that’s where I’m out. I love an open back, I don’t love tossing in essentially a built-in bra strap to the open canvas. I think it looks tacky as hell. And gurrrl, those heels and fur purse speak for themselves. Is she wearing custom designer pieces on her wedding day or hitting the stage in a sweaty strip club? Yikes on bikes. If you’re wearing 6 inch platform heels just to reach your husband’s mouth, I have concerns. Since I dumped on her Vera Wang wedding dress and hooker heelz, might I also add that the table setting is flawle$$. Every happiness to you birthday spotlight thiefs! *Place your bets now on how long this union lasts*

3. Bennifer 2.0.

As a close personal friend of JLo, I’d be remiss to fire up the JUice after a long hiatus and not comment on her current “apparent” rebound. And here’s the take that I gave to everyone in my family immediately upon the Bennifer resurgence at the end of April: it’s all fake. This is publicity stunt 101. It REEKS of showmanship. Ben Affleck just got dumped by up and coming actress and total babe soda Ana de Armas. He’s generally a kinda sloppy alcoholic that goes in and out of rehab and mainlines Dunkin icey’s. He could use a little press glow-up. JLo is a spicy tamale that everyone in America loves and/or wants to bang. It was rumored (I say that knowing it’s probably 100% true) that ARod cheated which caused the demise of their engagement. Wanna know the best way to stick it to your cheating ex-fiance? Show him you’re banging someone new. DUH times a million. She’s photographed gallivanting around with Ben Affleck and stir up a FLURRY of headlines and nostalgia, it’s all shoved directly in ARod’s grillpiece and he’s made to think about what he lost by stepping out on his Queen. Win, win all around. Ben looks great, JLo looks fancy free and funky fresh not a care in the world just having the time of her life, the world gets to relive the most ridiculous pop culture phenomenon of a couple and salivate over it being the early 2000’s again, bingo bango everyone’s happy. (Except for ARod.) Also might I add, do you think JLO, the woman who is at HER PRIME at 50 years old is going to honestly go back to Ben Affleck?! Get real. It’s gonna take a lot more than some pics of them walking into the gym in Miami to convince me that these two are actually back together.

4. Sad Scoop.

Kevin Clark aka Freddy the drummer from School of Rock died this week at 32. He was riding a bike in Chicago and was hit by a car. SUPER sad news because he’s young and also because it’s a horrible accident. He was never in anything other than School of Rock because he wasn’t trying to be an actor, he was only cast in that movie because of his drumming skills. As someone who was 12 when the movie School of Rock came out, I was for SURE crushing on Freddy. A drummer with an attitude? Sign me up. Obviously I was going through a real bad boy phase. That spiky hair made my 6th grade heart swoon. What a time for hair gel to take the center stage. Anyway, I hate reporting sad scoops because there’s nothing funny to say about someone dying way too young. Here’s the last time the gang was all together for a special performance of the all-time classic Zach’s Song.

5. Baby Sitch Hath Arrived.

In preparation for one day being a New Jersey resident, I’ve been doing my due diligence of research. Staying up to date on all Jersey Shore cast member milestones is a given. The sitch and his lady welcomed Romeo Reign into the world and by God if that’s not a cocky as hell name. Putting a lot of pressure on this little nugget’s shoulders to become a wealthy reality TV star who serves time for evading his taxes. Just kidding, the name is fine and fairly normal as far as “celeb” names go. What I’m really here to talk about is that in my process of full-on Jersey immersion, I’ve begun the Real Housewives of New Jersey from the start and what a wild ride that has been. No one ever warned me that the New Jersey installment is basically a scripted mafia movie featuring the Manzo family. Most importantly, I’m getting a lay of the land, taking note of the hot spots including of course, the Brownstone, and updating my fashion choices to correlate with the Jersey lifestyle:

Kangol in hand, Jersey here I COME BAYBAY!

BONUS: I haven’t been on the TikTok scene lately but I did make a video of my California vacay set to the tuneage of my epic Gold Coast Grooves playlist and Instagram banned it the SECOND I posted it because of one song so I’m gonna post it here instead. Enjoy a tour of the various beaches of Orange County, me almost decapitating my bestie with a rogue champagne cork & a very boozy singalong to Natasha Bedingfield the night before my birthday. I took the liberty of rolling the window down and scream singing it into the breeze as we drove down the highway of which I’m sure my friend’s fiance was none too pleased about. I was just trying to find my inner-LC and that seems pretty obvious.

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Red Carpet

Oscars 2021 Red Carpet

I gotta be honest we better be winding down on this rescheduled awards season because I’m running out of free trials I can sign up for just to watch them. And if I’m being REALLY honest, I wasted a free trial on this one. I had high hopes. I know, you’re probably saying, LEARN YOUR LESSON ALREADY, JULIA. ALL AWARDS SHOWS STINK. And normally you’re right. But we all know I could never skip out on an event that involves celebrities and the potential for gossip. PLUS, they were really amping up the “no zoom” aspect of this one. I’m so thirsty for a live awards show without a wall full of screens and awkward delays that I actually got excited for the Oscars. I’m here to report it was the LARGEST of disappointments. I’m not sure if Hollywood Libs just weren’t comfortable attending in person (I mean, we all know they’ve been vaccinated and get tested 24/7 anyway by their on-staff doctors) or if they just want to make it LOOK like they’re not comfy but basically no one showed up to this thing. We have about 4 big names, no host, and the thing played like we were watching a livestream of a work conference for actors.

It was D-R-Y as shiiiiiiiittttt. On top of the fact that they were really trying to create a “storyteller” vibe to the evening giving each nominee a 20 minute backstory, they also STOPPED REGULATING ACCEPTANCE SPEECHES. Do you know what happens when you don’t have a musical cue to tell people in show biz to STFU? They don’t STFU. They just keep talking. For-EV-er. So anyway, joke’s on me for signing up for FuboTV for one night of a 4 hour TedTalk on the art of movies. I’ll save you that torture and try to keep the red carpet short and sweet. There’s a handful of nobodies in here simply because I either loved their outfit or hated it. That’s how I decided to include someone in my fashion critique when I have no clue who they are. The ladies were having a RED HAWT night and that pretty much sums up the outfits for the worst Oscars ever.

WORST

chloe-zhao

This may seem contradictory to my style because I’ve been known to slap on a pair of kicks for any occasion but also IT’S THE OSCARS. Walking the red carpet like you just stepped off the farm is pushing it a little too far. I’m not saying you need to be a Glam-azon but an effort wouldn’t hurt here.

Erica-Rivinoja

This lady with the lizard-under-attack neck is also carrying a SHRIMP clutch. And honestly I might’ve considered tossing her on the best dressed just for that accessory if it looked like an actual shrimp. Details are what puts asses in the seats and this what looks to be pencil drawing of a shrimp with a chunky white outer layer is just not cutting it.

margot

I don’t think I realized I was in a snarky as hell mood until I started writing these worst dressed captions. Maybe if I didn’t get tricked into watching this informational awards show I’d be kinder to the fashion choices of Hollywood. Probz not though. For example, Margot looks great in this dress but she decided to get bangs and I feel as though she needs to be punished for that choice. Not only are bangs always a terrible decision, but doing this weird pull my hair back but let it also wisp into the breeze further accentuated the hard bang. You’re in timeout, Margot.

Martin-Desmond-Roe

Travon-Free

It’s important for me to note that not one but TWO gentlemen dressed like actual f*cking bumblebees. It’s important because I was personally victimized by a carpenter bee this week in my own home and NOW THIS?! This feels like an attack and I will not stand for it. I was forced to sleep on my couch hiding from this fuzzy monster as it took over my bedroom and then just when I thought I was safe after three days of not hearing his aggressive lawnmower buzzing, he dared to reappear casually to remind me that this is his apartment now. I trapped him under a glass and HE IS STILL NOT DEAD, Y’ALL. This bee has been pacing the circle of the glass for DAYS now as if he’s simply doing time for his actions. I’ve basically become a sociopath bee murderer slowly torturing this mf’er to death all because I was terrified to swat at his crunchy body. And although I’m sure there’s some meaning behind this duo of black and yellow tuxes, the real meaning is that I will forever be haunted by this bee who lives underneath my desk now.

Questlove

Spraypainting your crocs gold does not make them couture, QUESTLOVE. Also your outfit looks like something Rosie O’Donnell would wear circa 1998 when she had her own talk show. Boom. Roasted.

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Had no clue Regina was kicking off the show (or that there was no host) until a camera dramatically followed her on a very long walk into the venue and up onto the stage. Her strut was a 10/10, this dress is like a 5/10. The jewels look tacky and those sleeves…WOOF.

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Color of the dress is great, WAY too much fabric and that.HAIR. WHAT IS HAPPENING IN HOLLYWOOD?! Are these actresses showing up in character and I just missed the memo? Like on what planet is that hairstyle attractive?!

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A glitter turtleneck. That is all.

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This feels a little trashy for the Oscars. This is more a VMA’s dress.

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Girl looks like an evil Disney witch with these textures and sleeves. All that’s missing is the Maleficent headdress.

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Why the hell is she wearing almost a full length dress with pants underneath? This is LA so I would assume it’s probably 75 degrees there. Is this an old people thing? Do their shins get chilly? (PS I’m MAD that I finally cut the cord on the Oscars with an hour left last night because I couldn’t possibly bear one more minute and THAT’S WHEN Glenn Close decides to twerk that pants-covered ass and curse up a storm. WHYYYYYYYY.)

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Another Disney villain situation and oh my lanta, is that a HEART in her hands?! Creepmaster 101.

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Rapey shades + a 70’s belted flight suit + THUMBS UP pose = puke in my hands.

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Again if I’m not in love with the cutouts of the coral dress, I’m not down with this lingerie lewk. Showgirl City,  Population: Andra.

zendaya

Sorry for the tiny pic but the full sizer was a side view and I wanted everyone to see the full drama that is a bandeau top and skirt. Too much drama, if you ask me.

BEST

lauradern

LAURA YOU BLACK SWAN QUEEN, YOU!

Lee-Isaac-Chung-Valerie-Chung

Both look great but I’m really digging her shiny dress with the red lip.

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This entire outfit screams I have a library in my home and I really like it a LOT. 

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What a babe soda power couple. Even better, Riz fixed his lady’s hair for her on the red carpet so she’d look flawless for the paps without a hair out of place. What a keeper.

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This begins the hot red portion of the evening and everyone who went red absolutely crushed it. Also, not for nothing but her cleavage looks like it’s painted on.

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Reese usually plays it pretty safe with a strapless black or royal blue gown so she’s really spicin things up here with this red ombre. HOT TAMALE!

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The sleeves are preeetttty ridiculous but they somehow work with the sleek shape of the rest of the dress.

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Ooh baby those cutouts are sexxxxxy. Loving the details and the shape of this gown.

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What a magical, whimsical forest fairy! Bonus points for her referencing an acceptance speech she wrote when she was younger and thanking her supportive husband Zack Morris. Brits are so casj cool and funny. I want to be her friend.

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Other than bumblebee dumb and dumber, not a whole lot of dashing man fash on the red carpet so when I saw this hot pink jazz I got VERY excited. And the sparkle on top of that?! I basically had to fan myself.

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These two look hot as hell together and they’re each serving a whole look. 

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Gun to my head I could never come up with a name for this individual but she DID get the red memo and I appreciate the shit out of it.

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Close call – this was almost my pick for best look of the night. I can never hide my boner for princess gowns.

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Credit where credit is due for this man scarf POPPIN’ that golden accent.

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I’ve definitely waxed poetic before about how much I respect a hoodie as a fashion statement because I was repressed as a child from wearing my hood up around the house. But ON TOP of that we’ve got an electric blue jumpsuit that is BO$$.

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Could definitely do without the tummy peekaboo but very into the dramatics of the dark lip with a pastel gown. If you added a hood to this look I’d be foaming at the mouth.

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I’m living for the color coordination here. As someone who changes her scrunchie to match her loungewear perfectly every day, I love that shes’s maroon from head to toe. A true maroutfit.

BEST LOOK OF THE NIGHT:

She IS an Oscar and I gasped when I saw this puffy skirt that could most definitely be hiding another person underneath it. What a flawless statement.

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Red Carpet

Grammys Red Carpet 2021

Still riding this hybrid awards show format that makes things NICE and awkward. Wonder if Biden will declare awards season back by May 1st as well. I’ll stay tuned for that announcement. Either way, I forced both parents to watch because I didn’t want to be the only one who was far too old for each and every performance. It really paid off because watching my mother take in the WAP performance was all the entertainment I’ve ever needed and more. Horrified doesn’t even begin to describe her reaction. For a “picture is worth a thousand words” moment, here’s WAP, Grammy’s edition…which is basically an entirely new song because CBS isn’t really down with the p*ssy euphamisms, surprisingly.

It was at this particular moment that my mom wondered aloud, are these two gonna bang? It was a fair question. They did not though. *Spoiler ALERT* Anyway, other than that colorful performance, a whimsical Taylor Swift singing on the roof of a moss-covered house, John Mayer not being able to rip a solo as hard as I wanted him to in his duet with Maren and a rousing rendition of rockstar that included some SASSY older women in a choir that stole the show…the Grammys were a can-miss event. Including the fashion…

WORST

lizzo

Hate to do this to my gurl Lizzo but the skirt of this dress is KILLING ME. It brings back TERRIBLE flashbacks to the mid-calf jersey skirts with this style back in the early 2000’s. HIDEOUS. 

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Tacky prom dress. Also my mom tried to tell me last night that Maren wasn’t as bad as I always say she is and I almost tackled her out of the room. The rule is agree with me on my celebrity hot takes or get the hell out of the room and everyone knows it.

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I love the underneath layer dress but this mosquito netting with butterflies all over it is weird and shapeless.

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I puked in my hands when I saw this. It looked a lot like the bottom half of this dress.

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WELCOME TO THE RENAISSANCE FAIRE DON’T FORGET YOUR TURKEY LEG!

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I made my mom weigh in on this one because I could’ve been swayed either way. She said she liked it up until the hat. It was the Christmas-colored hat that did her in on this one and I agree. Suit is fire, hat took a giant dump on it.

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I LOOOOOOOOATHE BUTT BOWS. This color is poppin, she’s rockin a leg moment as only Megan THEE Stallion can do with those thicc gams of hers, jewels are good, pieces of hair in the face are bullshit but THAT BOW IS ABSOLUTE GARBAGE. 

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Noah Cyrus just rolled out of bed and grabbed the hotel sheets, puffed them up a little bit and hit the red carpet.

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Are these doves flying all over her dress or just paper mache? We may never know.

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These three look like they literally stepped out of the movie Zenon: Girl of the 21st Century. I’ve never been more appalled by a pastel moment but matching kitten heels really sealed the deal.

BEST

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I could do without the tan riding boots here but the suit is fire and she’s rocking it.

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SpOoKy ScArY sKeLeToNzZ. I laughed out loud when I saw this. And I wanted to slam this lewk so hard but then it turned into respect. She’s wearing a designer dress with sparkly skeleton bones on it…and her hair matches it perfectly. It didn’t take long to flip me into a believer. Plus I love a dark lip moment. It all just goes together so well that I say bring on the dancing skeletons. Hope this bad boy also glows in the dark.

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I’m putting my personal differences aside right now to declare Miranda a total babe soda on this red carpet. This BIG of me because she’s still a raging homewrecker who steals everyone’s husbands. But she looks good here…boobs and leg on point.

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I WANT THIS ENTIRE OUTFIT. The only disappointment here is those kicks. She should have pastel tie dye sneaks to top off the statement and I’m shocked she doesn’t. Nike better start selling this shit in Teej RULL QUICK so I can get on her level for my weekly grocery store trip.

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You can’t see it here underneath her teased hair but Bey basically wore a couple of lifesize Grammys dangling from her ears. It was a wee bit distracting. The leather looks hawt as hell tho and Queen B made history last night for most grammys EVER won, nbd but hbd.

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 I laughed out loud at this dweeb-asaurus in his baggy suit coat flashing the peace sign. His girlfriend looks fabulous and that’s really how they made it to the best dressed list. Pro tip: always have a piece on your arm to distract from the fact that you look like you’re on the way to marching band practice.

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Pink suit is F I R E flames.

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Harry went nips out for his performance which got a LOT of ladies and gents excited but I much preferred this Cher from Clueless vibe, with a feather boa of course.

taylor-swift-at--grammys-2021-pictures

Taylor knocked my socks off (not like it was hard with the cast of characters that walked the red carpet) but I saw those stems strut onstage for her win and I think a little bit of drool fell out of my mouth. Spring came early with this dress and she nailed her performance look as well:

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There’s 0 good pictures of this dress but it was a 10/10. Shiny and woodsy without being a weird nightgown like she’s been wearing in her music videos. The gold headband really pulled the whole fairytale together and helped distract from her blunt bangs and bare feet.

 

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Red Carpet

Golden Globes Red Carpet 2021

GAWDDDD Covid has ruined just about everything on this earth and awards season is obviously included in that. The shitty post-holiday winter months suck so hard because there’s no Christmas cheer but there is a shit-ton of snow and cold and yet for a loser like me, awards szn helps make it not so terrible. The weather outside may be dismal but at least I could count on the warm embrace of my judgment bubble as I roast celebrity fashion choices at the Globes, Grammys, Oscars & SAG Awards. Those were the days. Obviously Covid went and cancelled/postponed most major awards shows yet for some reason the Globes were like WE WILL SOLDIER ON…virtually. And boy oh boy does virtual TV blow the big one. Nothing is more painful than watching people get interviewed on a Zoom delay or an opening monologue delivered by people on two different coasts to a room of strangers. HALF THE FUN OF THE MONOLOGUE IS THE STUFFY CELEBRITY REACTIONS TO GETTING ZINGED. Ugh. Anyway, here’s all I could manage for the red carpet. Sorry if it sucks, it’s Hollywood’s fault.

WORST

 

elizagonzales

Can appreciate this sassy leg pose but cannot appreciate her lady lumps being outlined on an evening gown, sorry dawg.

ellefanning

I mean an effort was made here and we need to first and foremost acknowledge this magazine cover photoshoot. That being said, this dress is giving me ice dancer vibes and I’m not over the moon for it but it is certainly elegant. 

rosamund

After watching I Care A Lot –which I immediately recommended to everyone I’ve ever met — I cannot stand this sharp AF bob. If you’ve seen the movie, you’ll understand why as she plays maybe the most hateable character on this earth. Spoiler alert she won and it was very deserved if looking at a photo of her triggers my hate for her fictional character. But also, this dress is straight up hideous and something you would find in a costume bin at those speakeasy sepia-toned photo booths. All she needs is a top hat and a rifle to complete the look.

julia

Makeup is flawle$$ but I’ve never been a fan of the “I can see your entire naked torso” trend.

leslieodomjr

Ah yes of course because why WOULDN’T you toss a green screen under-armour material turtleneck on underneath this designer suit. WHAT?!

cynthiaerrivo

This photographs in a much more forgiving way than I would’ve expected because when I saw it onscreen my eyes literally bulged out of my skull. It is essentially neon running gear piped into a dome dress. I thought it was fun in this picture and then once I saw it in action, I had to gracefully bow out. It is an athletic circus tent.

margotrobbie

This is so boho chic, which is a weird choice for the Globes but a solid choice for doing a tour of wine country with your gal pals. Add a trendy felt hat and sub rocker chick booties in for heels and you’ve got yourself a day, gurl. Does this make me a celebrity stylist? Obviously yes. But still not right for the Globes.

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Kate is hitting a little too close to 80’s prom with a chunky belt and fluffy sleeves.

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If you’re going to star in a show that is literally centered on trendy kewl Parisian fashion, you’ve gotta absolutely BRING IT to an awards show. This granny embroidered dress is NOT BRINGING IT. BONSOIR.

kenan

I know this isn’t the nicest thing to say but this picture made me laugh out loud. Between the shades on the red carpet, the cool guy hands clapped together pose and the fact that his pants are so tight I can see the outline of his Willis and Doodleberries…it’s funny as hell.

lauradern

Oh boy this is a lot going on for ya girl, Laura. Two thumbs down to the loose turtleneck/choker/whatever this is. Then your eyes wander south and hit these heels with like hoop piercings sticking erectly out of them and a chain band. Wuph. 

mayarudolph

Oh, Maya. Oh, honey. No, no, no. KITTEN HEELS AND A MUUMUU? Are you walking a red carpet or a midwestern mom vacationing in Honolulu for the first time?

reginaking

Another blurry as hell screen grab, 12/10 for puppy naps in frame, 6/10 for outfit. This is a real weird take on the cold shoulder. 

gillian

This literally looks like a curtain that has been underneath a roof leak for 15 years with a snippet from a Hell’s Angels tapestry glued to the top.

harrypotter

Wingardium Leviosa!

jamie

Holy banana boobs.

josh

WHAT ERA ARE WE IN? A NECK SCARF AND PENNY LOAFERS? NOW I’M JUST SHOUTING AND MAD. THIS IS A PERIOD PIECE COSTUME.

awkwafina

Ok, I’m done shouting. But, seriously, am I missing something? It’s literally the 70’s up in this B.

kristen

BACK TO SHOUTING. A MINT GREEN BABYDOLL DRESS, FOLKS. WITH BOWS UNDER EACH NIP. AND PINK EYESHADOW. I feel like I fell into a wormhole and ended up at a sweet sixteen circa 2003.

susan

Holy hell this is a lampshade. Also while I’m taking shots, I might add in that Susan hosted the pre-show with Jane Lynch, which of course just consisted of a bunch of zoom interviews and I’ve never seen someone stumble harder on the job than Susan. Multiple times she mispronounced the world GLOBE. TONS of awkward silences and weird exchanges and at the end before the show was about to start, they threw it to her to make closing remarks and apparently she had already checked out of the trainwreck because she just stared at the camera like a deer in headlights and then stuttered out something about how it was great before Jane realized she was completely crapping her pants on Live TV and took over.

kyra-kevin

Golden Hollywood couple and all (I can say that because it looks like Tom Hanks and Rita Wilson were not in attendance) but this baggy silk separates look was basically glorified unflattering jammies in a skin tone.

BEST

lavernecox

Total babe soda look and also she’s pulling off the milkmaid braids that I made my mom do in my hair over the summer after seeing them look cool as hell on an actress in a Hallmark movie (I’m cultured AF, I know) but when I looked in the mirror I almost puked my face off because the trend did not translate to my head. That’s a very self-centered way to tell you that she wears them better than I ever will and I’m super jelly belly.

amandaseyfried

I’m a sucker for flowers and pink so even though this has MAD salsa dancer vibes, I’m down with it.

karamo

GIVE IT TO ME WITH THIS TURQUOISE TUX, BABY.

janelevy

Could do without a mermaid bottom here and would LOVE to see what’s kickin in the back (are they bows?) but LOVE the color and material and obviously her hair looks windswept fabulous.

anyataylorjoy

DAMN this is R E G A L, yo.

sarahhyland

Bold choice to dress in the same color as the carpet from head to toe but I’d be lying if I said she didn’t look good.

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Here’s a garbage picture of Carey mid-awkward pre-show interview because THIS IS WHAT WE’VE COME TO. From her underboob to the top of her head, she looks amah-zing.

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I really ‘preciate the celebrities who went so extra because otherwise my red carpet blog would cease to exist in Covid awards days. Andra looks stunning.

sarah

Love the dress, love the purple cast as a pop of color, LOOOOOOOOATHE the hair. SLICKED HAIR WILL ALWAYS BE ICKY. Also she’s a got a real five head on her to be pulling her hair back like that at all. 

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Ooh, in the words of your fictional sister, LOVING THIS FOR YOU. Sparkles and mustard and metallics, OH MY!

amypoehler

I feel like this is a funky look for Amy and she’s crushing it. Also, I see that middle part girl. Look at you going all Gen Z on us!

christianslater

Men finally getting the memo that teal is such a baller choice for a colored suit is really working for me.

angelabassett

Angela is killin it as well with the eggplant feathers and this fierce power braid.

justintheroux

Justin’s basically wearing black jeans. What a bad boy of H’wood. Brad Pitt would NEVER.

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Leave it to Jared to exude sexy with his tousled perfect locks and a massive plastic flower. Also, I bitched about this on Twitter but it deserves to be addressed again here…how are the richest celebrities on this earth NOT springing for a webcam that costs like $50-$100 and makes your video quality look like a cinematic experience. Instead these hoes are all like nah, I’ll just use the shitty grainy cam on my laptop or ipad and we’re good to go for a nationally televised awards show.

tina fey

Tina getting real spicy with those tights. Can appreciate the hot girl move of basically wearing a men’s tuxedo jacket as a dress although it also kinda looks like she’s dressed for a CE-Hoes sorority party.

gal

Gal gave us one of the WORST early lockdown moments with the singsong celeb chorus of Imagine while the world went into a pandemic that WE STILL HAVEN’T GOTTEN OUT OF A YEAR LATER PROBABLY BECAUSE OF YOUR SHITTY VIDEO but this outfit might soften the blow. She’s WERKIN those stems and the hair is on point.

isla

Elle Woods or Isla Fisher? I wholeheartedly approve of a Barbie pink gown.

jane

Jane Fonda got the big achievement award of the evening and gave a classy acceptance speech where she shouted out the films she enjoyed this year rather than blabbing on and on about herself and why she’s so great. She also looks fab in this crisp silky suit. 

kaley

I’m obsessed with this dress. It is the quintessential princess ball gown and I want to swish all over Kaley’s mansion backyard with copious amounts of lawn furniture in said princess gown.

shira

C L A S S I C. A leg moment but understated jewels and pops of red. The perfect fancy event look.

sterling

Sterling always looks solid.

tiffany

I think dresses like this are cool as hell but I would never in a million years wear one because I can imagine that she basically cannot bend considering she’s covered in metal and also it’s potentially scratchy/stabby on the inside. Looks great tho.

BEST LOOK OF THE NIGHT:

jason

They flashed to Jason and his group of fellow nominees before a commercial break and when I first laid eyes on this tie dye hoodie I laughed out loud. As someone who has worn some form of a tie dye sweat for the past 9 months I related to this HOARD. Then he actually won the award and it became very clear that not only did he not give a flying F when it came to his apparel, but he was also high as a kite. Again, really bringing the entertainment value up a notch to watch some guy whose edible just kicked in, realize he has to pull an acceptance speech out of his ass. Once the shock wore off he tried to get philosophical and Don Cheadle gave him the wrap it up signal, clearly trying to dig his buddy outta the hole. And listen, when your baby mama leaves you for Harry Styles, you get a free pass. Party on, Jason.

And as always, a shameless plug to my live tweeting, which 0.0 people care about and yet I still feel it is absolutely necessary to do for each and every awards show as if people are waiting on the edge of their seats to see what my reaction is to each dreadful minute of a 3 hour show. The day that someone starts paying me to live tweet awards shows is the day that I will finally know what pure joy is.

Starting with my advanced prep to even watch the damn thing to begin with:

In the end I returned the stupid antenna and utilized a free trial of YouTubeTV instead.

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Salty Stories

The DMV Did Me Dirty

Here’s the deal, I’ve got a real hot streak of GLAMOUR shots on my driver’s license and I’m not ready or willing to give that self-imposed title up just yet. (My passport photos are another story, anyone except Taylor Swift who knows how to closed mouth smile and NOT look like a serial killer, get @ me with some tips.) These are supposed to be my peak years and I’m RAPIDLY approaching the swift drop on that rollercoaster, so I really need to capture it when I can. On my driver’s license is really the best way to do so. It’s a government issued document and one that I’ll have to show to a stranger every single time I enter a bar or order an adult bevvy. That’s a lot of eyes on one pic, and I say that knowing that I’ve never gotten more than 15 likes on anything I’ve ever posted on social media. ID PHOTOS ARE ALL I HAVE ANYMORE. I never thought this day would come. 

On my 16th birthday, I took my driver’s test—told no one I was taking it so I didn’t have to tell them if I failed (old hockey trick)—and looked like a youthful babe soda in my very first license photo. I had a pre-summer tan, styled hair and an adorable teal dress. All of which could be seen as it was proportionately distanced and sized. In fact, anytime a friend, foe or stranger brought up their dreadful license photo, I paraded that shit around for all to see. Oh you look like you just drowned your kids in a bathtub in your photo? I look like a beauty queen, READ IT AND WEEP BITCHES!

It might be suggested that I annoyed everyone with how much I worked my ID into a conversation. I almost didn’t want to get a fake ID in college for fear of having a fake hideous photo. Fortunately, my sister provided my “fake” and she also takes a great pic. When I turned 21, I did everything in my power to keep my original photo. Unfortunately I was met with much frustration and eye rolls at the dear ole DMV. I took a shitty temp pic until I could get myself home to where my mom had recently become employed at the DMV and promised a full photoshoot to get the right headshot. I cannot stress this enough, I recommend everyone has a relative working at the DMV. Not only did I not have to wait in line and suffer years of my life in that soul-sucking place but I literally got to treat my license photo like a JCPenney portrait shoot minus the kickass 90’s backdrops. Plus my mom knows all of my best angles and I got as many reshoots as I demanded. Another stellar ID was created. Note the carefully curated white lace tank to once again, pop that bronze glow. (PRO tip.)

And now here we are in my 29th year, license expired. Thanks to COVID, I was able to push that renewal back for a solid 5 months before I could go into the DMV again safely. And you better BELIEVE I planned on preparing for this appointment with a full blowout and face of makeup after months of being a loungewear shut-in. Unfortunately for all involved, when the day arrived, I had a friend in town and poorly planned our morning. Eager to fit a scenic 14 mile bike ride in and soak up the sun before my appointment, I let the morning get away from me and all of a sudden I had 15 minutes to shower, dry my hair, put on makeup, curl my hair and pick out the perfect outfit to enhance my summer tan. On the 30 minute drive back to my house (in the opposite direction of the DMV) I began to panic that I would become * insert tone of absolute disgust here*: an UGLY ID holder. And not just like casual caught off guard for a pic ugly…unshowered, hair pulled up under a hat, just sweat my ass off in a high speed bike ride to try and make up for my poor time management, no makeup, in a tee with visible pit stains kind of UGLY. I wondered how horrible it would be to cancel my appointment. Or just commit to it and then immediately change my photo at a later date. All of these options were either incredibly inconvenient or more expensive. This is when I really had to look inward and have a stern talk with myself about what was important here. How I look in a photograph that’s the size of a stamp or keeping an appointment it took me a month to get for the renewal of my driver’s license that had been expired for almost half a year now. The answer was my looks and that is the most obvious thing on this earth. Having been born with naturally curly hair that I let air-dry, I cannot allow myself to be photographed within a few hours of my daily shower or I’ll look like ole ramen-head ass Justin Timberlake that immediately turned into a meme because of HOW BAD IT LOOKED. So it’s not even like I could trim time off of my prep by leaving my locks au naturel. 

I arrived home and I’ve never gotten ready faster in my entire life. And you know what? I looked like a 10. From the front. I never dried my hair in the back. Too time consuming and the back of my head will never be featured on an ID. I selected a teal dress to accentuate the new race I had become from 4 straight months of baking in the sun and even tossed on my custom-made Salty Ju jean jacket on top of that for clout. All of my fans and supporters (my sister and my friend) applauded my Herculean effort to transform myself into a top model in 15 minutes flat. I expected paparazzi to be hiding in the bushes when I exited my house, shoveling peanut butter crackers in my cracker hole because I skipped lunch in favor of my looks. I got to the DMV with two minutes to spare and ready to do the cover of Vogue, should Rosie at counter 8 impromptu ask me to. We got the long-awaited photo out of the way first and when I tell you it was horrific, that is an understatement. It turns out, no matter how GREAT I look (or dress…my outfit didn’t even graze the photo), if you close crop my head in the square, there is REALLY no positive way to spin that. Rosie snapped away and showed me the pic for review where my jaw resided on the ground. I didn’t think it was possible to look like the poster child for my 600 lb life and yet a super zoom WILL DO THAT. My chins were abundant and falling out of frame as the square went from my forehead to my first chin, also giving me a buzz cut in the process–so much for drying and curling my precious locks. That was a proportion that Rosie felt comfortable with and to be honest I would’ve asked for a reshoot, but I wasn’t sure if I was allowed to and it looked like the camera setup would be permanently unforgiving. I had just carefully curated a look and an outfit for a MEGAHEAD PHOTO THAT I’LL BE STUCK WITH FOR THE NEXT 10 YEARS. But don’t worry, the guy at counter 10 who processed my renewal told me it’s a great photo and he doesn’t just tell everyone that. He also complimented my nail polish so obviously he was just trying to bang me. My perfect ID photo streak has come to an abrupt and aggressive end and I will forever curse this stupid day. Ten years from now, I’m bringing my own photographer.

And as if NY State wasn’t cruel enough, they double up on your mug, hologram style. So that Salty Ju Megahead can also float in space on the right side of my ID reminding me to invest in a neckline slimmer.

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Red Carpet

AMA’s 2020 Red Carpet

Oh look, another awards show that I CAN’T WATCH but any old with an antenna CAN. How does that make sense? If I have internet, I should be able to watch any awards shows. Those should be the rules. This is BLASPHEMY. But anyway, after I tried to steal everyone I’ve ever known’s cable and was met with an error message, I gave up and checked out the red carpet. When I saw this collection, I debated not even blogging it because it was slim pickins and those who showed up did not knock my socks off, but we just got red carpets back so the red carpet blog MUST GO ON.

WORST DRESSED

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This is clearly a pic before their performance and it made me laugh out loud so let’s start on a high note. 7 guys who don’t even speak English and I’m 99% sure their songs are also in Korean and yet they’re wildly famous here for whatever reason. Only three of them have changed their hair color but the rest? WHY WOULD YOU ALL HAVE THE SAME EXACT HAIRSTYLE AND THEN ALSO WEAR THE SAME UNIFORM. Gun to my head I would never be able to tell these jabrone’s apart. They are one.

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Everyone’s salivating at the fact that these two are making their first “public appearance” but like once you’re whoring yourselves all over social media for months and calling each other twin flames, a paparazzi photo on an awards show carpet really does nothing for me. Fashion-wise, the style of Megan’s dress is weird as hell and I’m not down with Machine Gun’s metallic boots, Aladdin pants and featured chesties.

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This is quite a Jessica Rabbit lewk and I cannot approve this many bits being on display or a black part with bright red hair. I would say I’m too old for this look but Bebe is my age sooo…….

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Doja Cat wore her Hocus Pocus Halloween costume a few weeks too late. 

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These are like leather track pants and if it weren’t for the pocket decor, I might’ve let it slide.

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GR8 Color Coordination but this gave me hoard PTSD to the early 2000’s and homecoming. 

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I love an ocean theme as much as the next girl but one wrong move and this oyster is going to flash us her pearl.

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“Drown me in fabric but leave a slit for a leg moment,” is what I assume Ciara told her stylist to do.

BEST

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As host of the evening, I definitely have to give Taraji credit for going full speed at the drama with this outfit. It is quite a statement and you know I have a boner for sparkles.

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Y’all know I hate the just stepped out of the shower soaking wet look that these celebs die for, but I can’t put the most famous person on this red carpet on the worst dressed list. It’s against every fiber of my being. JLo’s worst look is still better than your best and that’s pretty freaking obvious.

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Can count on these two ragamuffins to bring the curl and the trendy suits.

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Don’t know who this cat is but he wears toight pants well.

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Probs my fave look of the night, which isn’t saying a lot but still a suit well done. Sexy and glam.

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Another pic that made me uproariously laugh. I think it’s funny because you hear Lewis sing and he has phenomenal pipes and then you see him in real life and he looks like such a schlub. And he really leans into that. I mean he looks like he’s running late for algebra. I love a guy who’s like oh I’m famous and supposed to do things? Nah.

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Since this is an ABC sanctioned event, it would be nothing without the latest Bachelorette. Clare who? Tayshia’s rack  and set of stems are here to stay.

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Bell Biv DeVoe reminding us of a golden era where fedoras and primary colors ruled. Smooth as hell.

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Red Carpet

People’s Choice Awards 2020 Red Carpet

Lookie, lookie what do we have here?! ANOTHER actual red carpet?! It seems like Hollywood is back ON and I’m here for it. Woke up this morning to hear about an awards show that doesn’t even matter and yet here I am scrambling to show you these looks. That’s what we in the biz call, starving for content. Here’s what the celebs wore to a fan popularity contest. (How Ellen won her fan’s votes is beyond me…might want to have someone look into that because I wouldn’t put it past her to rig it for good press.)

WORST

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TROOP BEVERLY HILLS 9021-NO.

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You’ll notice this evening’s trend of wear an exaggerated pantsuit was not cherished by me. WHAT is fashionable about drowning yourself in clown-sized polyester?

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No to the dress which looks like it was purchased at Deb circa 1999 but also no to this pose.

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This dress is the most unflattering and also the same color as her milky silver-tone skin. 

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Oh ok, Dad. Did you get lost and stumble upon the grey (blue?) carpet?

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Again with the suits. It’s a fan-voted awards show with a purple/pink ombre step and repeat behind you. It’s not a corporate retreat. Live a little.

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Ok don’t live that much. This is a Jersey Shore dress and not in a good way.

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Brad looks like he’s wearing a pirate costume. I much prefer when he’s switching wigs on his Instagram to act out all of the Housewives drama.

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This TikTok star looks like she’s going to prom in a 90’s romcom.

BEST

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CHRISTMAS QWEEN.

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After I stopped drooling over that island-fresh tan, I was able to see that this outfit is cool as hell too. Very Euro chic.

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Oh what a doll Mandy is with that aw, shucks grin and holding her baby bump.

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Despite his hand hovering over his junk pose, I can always get down with the color teal.

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This does absolutely nothing for her figure but I respect the fact that Demi is the host and basically showed up in glitter jammies. She also made jokes about her engagement so good for her 0 F’s Given approach.

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You know I stan for a sparkly suit jacket.

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Love this color and the cool guy boots.

 

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Believe it or not I would’ve loved this more if the shirt was cropped and not hanging down to her mid-thighs like it’s a dress, but I can understand Ellen not being a crop chick. I still think it’s a cool outfit and something different in a sea of business separates.

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LAAAHHHVEE the red lace and lip combo.

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No clue what this outfit says, I’m assuming it’s probably a political statement because that’s how Hollywood rolls now, but it’s a good fit and her boobs are poppin.

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I’ve seen Mario crush a carpet harder, but it wouldn’t be in good taste to put such a hunk muffin on the worst dressed list, so I’ll give him a pass. 

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