Met Gala Red Carpet 2024

MET MONDAAAAAAYYYYY, BABY! I don’t think I could ever top getting day drunk last year and blowing Hollywood to smithereens with my boozy hot takes. HOW-ev-ER, as always I’d like to puff up my credentials and nothing makes me more qualified to show up for this red carpet like I’m Anna Wintour than the compliment I received while rolling into Marshalls with a bag full of returns after I went too hard in the paint during Member Mornings* this weekend. *Member Mornings are exclusive VIP events for TJX cardholders like myself. As I breezed in, two Gen Z girlypops in baggy cargo pants and crop tops were exiting and one of them turned to me and casually remarked “I like your outfit.” And time stopped. I felt like I was soaring on the back of a bald eagle and then that bald eagle fell out of the sky as realization hit me that she was probably bullying me and the two of them in their claw clipped hair with their midriffs exposed for sure waited until I was out of earshot to cackle about me dressing like an Olsen Twin a mere week away from turning 33. The outfit in question:

Even Charlee is unimpressed. But guess what, motherfuckers? Those overalls were $20 at Marshall’s AND I was a chosen one for a $10 giftie at my v exclusive event so they were really $10 and I’m WEARING THE SHIT OUT OF THEM. Eat your heart out, twenty-somethings, cause I’m gonna dress like I’m on All That until I’m six feet under and there’s nothing you or Dan Schneider can do about it.

So now that you’ve seen my couture, let’s get to it…this year’s theme was “The Garden of Time.” And might I say thank you for choosing a theme that I don’t have to google the meaning of cause bitch, I KNOW MY FLOWERS! So let’s get to steppin on judging Fashion’s biggest event.

It’s giving I’m the eldest boy energy but also angelic and I’m here for it.

KEWL NUDE PANTALOONS! Sexxxxyyyy. (And you KNOW that’s bullying because I wear full cotton briefs on the daily double and they’re still more flattering than this undercarriage disaster.)

I mean let’s call a spade a spade, nothing about this is on theme but damn I love a dreamy grey suit. V dapper.

What the actual fuck is happening here. It seems we’re carrying over last year’s theme of princess of darkness. And why are we getting underwear jammed down our throats again? Clean it up, Dua.

I’ll always have a weak spot for an aqua moment. She’s preggers and it’s a fairytale gown.

GLAM ALICE IN WONDERLAND. I would die for this giant clock briefcase. So smooth it hurts.

THIS SUCKS, GRETA. I’m gonna shit all over every dark cloak moment tonight because GARDEN is PASTELS AND FLORALS. None of this witchy shit.

This one doesn’t count and that’s obvious because LOOK AT THESE SPARKLY MIRROR FLOWERS. I could stare at these bedazzles foreva.

Well this is classy as hell. Business florals! The cherry on top of this elegant formalwear would OF COURSE be the Elizabeth James top hat veil.

I get that this belt costs more than my entire closet especially because I was raised a Maxxinista and I’ve never paid more than $24.99 for an item of clothing but my lord that is tacky as hell. And RIDING BOOTS?!

I would’ve rode harder for this if it was head to toe flowers but I’m not going to shade it because it’s not. I’m all in on the embroidered suit and dark frames.

This is actual trash and I’ve stared at it for WAY too long trying to decipher what these black shapes are supposed to be. I feel like I’m in an art museum being forced to describe a painting. So whether they’re supposed to be shaped as something or it’s abstract, it is hideous.

I always respect the hustle when someone goes there, but I’m confused about how Garden evoked Disney villain here. Seems like the antithesis to the theme and also if that’s your real hair PLEASE give us a peek at the before bed routine when you’ve turned your head into an actual birds nest. Would tune into that Instagram story like it’s appointment television. What can I say, I like to watch the world burn.

A leather poop suit and the streamers you hang as a backdrop for the poor man’s photobooth are not only off theme but also disgusting to look at. Go in time out. Both of you.

Adding a couple glitter flowers to this doesn’t make it better. Sick Lydia bangs though. Naht.

I’m praying this is the only ‘oopsie, I’m naked’ look of the night because I want to take this trend and shove it up the next girl’s cooch who does it. SINCE WHEN DID BEING FULLY NUDE BECOME FASHION? I’m so sick of seeing everyone’s slops yabs and pikachus. You could have the most beautiful body on this earth and I don’t care to see it fully on display like you’re a G-D French sculpture. This is America. And in America, we cover our bits when we’re in mixed company. Kindly get your buttcrack out of my face. I don’t want to have to ask again.

I’m very into the floral extravaganza happening on her shoulders, mostly because the color reminds me of hydrangeas which happen to be my fave. I’m very much not into the rest of this dress because it’s Colonial and frumpy as all hell.

What a prince charming cutie! To be clear, not really on theme but his periwinkle vest dazzled me.

This is Puss in Boots carrying a bouquet of black flowers. It’s so stupid that I think I love it. And let me remind you, the Met Gala is the ONLY time where I commend ridiculousness because it’s such a dumb concept to begin with to have Queen Anna Wintour invite only certain celebrities and tell them to dress for a theme while she wears the same tired outfit every year, takes zero fashion risks and makes these puppets dance.

See what I mean?

Oh Kylie, you could’ve just hit the boardwalk and gotten that with a side of salt water taffy! I’ll pick one up for you when I’m in AC next weekend.

THIS IS EXACTLY RIGHT. Jess understood the assignment and looks like a woodland fairy princess.

Why don’t you spit directly in Anna Wintour’s face next time, Penelope! Was the theme old Hollywood glam? No it sure as shit was not. Penelope is the chick who claims she didn’t know it was a costume party. Or even worse, the one who shows up to girls wine night in full glam while everyone else is in their pjs with their hair on top of their head. Does she look phenomenal? Absolutely. Do we hate her for it? Absolutely.

This is Home Ec dress gone horribly wrong. Just pasting bows and mesh all willy nilly.

Hope you don’t have to poop, buddy! Those talons could do some real damage if they sliced through the TP whilst wiping. Yes, that’s the only takeaway I have from this outfit.

This is such a snoozeroni. Were we going for birds or butterflies to glue to our eyes? Meh. Do better.

Another “yea I’ll just wear what I always wear, thx” and Shakira can take her red flamenco dress and salsa right out of my face.

Again, AQUA! But this is boring AF. Wear that shit to the Oscars, not the Met.

Chris Hemsworth was on the board or one of the hosts or whatever other fake titles they give each year to the elite and for someone who was in the top tier, this ain’t it. I expect the party planning committee to come strong. I expect them to dress as a literal garden. Wearing a tan suit and showing off the chesties isn’t cutting it. I do love wifey’s flower crown though. I feel like that was an easy accessory to rock and no one capitalized on it. JUSTICE FOR MORE FLOWER CROWNS.

I LOOOOOOVE this. It’s a champagne dream and I, too would like to live under a roof of bow.

I have absolutely no clue what Chase was going for here, total miss. Was it supposed to be a contrast of like Criss Angel meets Tinkerbell? Weird way to air out your roleplay and honestly the 14 layers of cross necklaces over his bare chest gives me the heebie jeebies BUT KELSEA. WHAT A HIT. I’m obsessed with this and I wish she hip checked her greasy Crucifictorious front man out of the frame and let those flowers shine.

Meg Ryan looks snatched as hell and that’s the only reason I’ll let the black gown slide.

MA’AM. YOU ARE LITERALLY A MUMMY. DID YOU GET THE SAME INVITE AS EVERYONE ELSE?!

Respectfully, no. One time my sister’s friend convinced her that one of the American Girl dolls blinked at her unprompted and if I had to picture a nightmare scenario where a doll comes to life, it is Michelle.

Ope, alright let’s keep the terrifying rolling. Lookin like she was dragged out from the bottom of the lake to haunt us all.

hold for applause. She came as an ACTUAL TREE. Iconic.

I hate these shaped gowns, they make absolutely no sense to me. Why does your dress need a cage over it that gives you pointy hips.

A moment of silence for this yellow rose train paired with a deep red lip. Stunning .

BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

Under ANY other circumstance I might actually give it up to Nicole for this one, but for this theme, no way, Jose. Unless she’s going for bird and birds are found in gardens…LOOPHOLE, I’m back in. I was politely surprised by my fierce love for surprise feathers here.

We’ve seen JLo do this a million times. I’m not blown away.

Get right out of my grillpiece you cyborg lookin mf’er.

I’m a reformed Demi stan and typically everything she does lately makes me roll my eyes out of my skull but credit where credit is due, this is a good look for her.

The giant bow butt and the tin foil wrap are a given at every damn red carpet and yet I still get irrationally angry when I see one. THIS LOOKS DUMB. I can HEAR this photo and that’s NOT a compliment.

Obsessed. So whimsical.

ANOTHER set of Beetlejuice bangs?! why. Not in love with this color or the pointy shoulder or the weird greasy bangz.

Suh punk rock, dude. Gawd, the guys really blew this one. NOT THE TIME OR PLACE FOR TOUGH GUY ANTICS.

She be FLOWERING, yo. Props for the extra junk in that trunk and pls stay 6 ft away backdrop. Wish I could wear that at ShopRite on a Sunday to keep the New Jerseyans with absolutely no regard for personal space at bay.

This is dangerously close to wearing a tinfoil hat. I appreciate the commitment to the bit but it’s not werking for me.

This almost feels like Carrie Bradshaw attends the Royal Wedding and I wholeheartedly approve. Mary Poppins meets the Queen.

Get the Kardashians uninvited from the Met or we riot.

“Lube me up and twirl me in Saran Wrap” – What Elle said to her stylist, I presume.

If Pigeon Lady from Home Alone 2 lived in Paris instead of Central Park, this is what I imagine she’d look like. Chic Parisian bird lady. Either version, Kevin would still be terrified of her at first but then they would become bonded for life by a couple of Turtle Dove ornaments courtesy of Mr. Duncan.

OH two looks, Zendaya! Who do you think you are? Ri Ri?! (She had the flu so I guess Zendaya decided to pick up the slack.) As much as this flower bonnet makes me cackle because it’s for sure giving her a killer headache, I’m much more into the Parisian bird lady look. Enough with the black cloaks.

WHY BLACK?! I love this dress. I think it’s beautiful and accents her big ole knockers that everyone has their knickers in a twist about perfectly. But we RUINED it with the black wig and gloves.

Sweet spaghetti coat, babes.

Cardi is living for this moment and it’s such a giant miss that it’s laughable. Like I’m gonna show up with a 50 ft wide black gown and bright green nails to match my Rose from Titanic necklace. Bye, bish.

Was the theme Under the Sea? GET LAWWWWSSSSSTTTTTT.

Oh good, at least 1 out of 3 followed the rules. Out of all of her atrocious looks through the years, I can honestly say this one is pretty decent. Props for finally getting it right. Or more importantly, props to me for being the bigger person and putting my raging hatefire aside to fairly judge this look. That being said, uninvite this family. We’ve had enough.

Red Carpet

Oscars Red Carpet 2024

WE HAVE MADE IT! Spring is just around the corner and nothing marks that like Hollywood’s BIGGEST night. I started out this awards season by flexing all of my streetwear to show you, my loyal red carpet snarksters, that I am of course the MOST qualified to spend several months out of the year boom roasting fashion choices by people who pay top dollar for the finest of clothes styled by the professionals. I can style the SHIT out of loungewear on a day to day basis and I recently had a shower thought that my style as a grown woman never graduated from what Mary Kate and Ashley Olsen were wearing in the mid to late nineties. It was a pivotal time in discovering my fashion identity and to be honest, one that I never wish to grow out of. I love the shit out of overalls, a coordinated set, and spending way too much time matching my nails, accessories, socks and sometimes even underwear to a color scheme that I’m rockin.

That being said, this was also the year that I decided I’d become a PJ pants in public kind of person. Not like running errands, I’m not a total heathen, but I have become a little *too* comfy with taking my dog for a full-fledged walk around the surrounding neighborhoods in my jammies. To cut myself a little slack if I may, I went from being able to walk 10 steps to a dog park to exercise my dog to having to walk her several times a day. I know, real sob story from the girl who moved to the beach. BOOHOO. But the DGAF factor is high when you’ve gotta stroll with your dog that many times a day, especially when it’s dark in the winter. Flannel PJs are basically required uniform for that. Where I start to toe the line is when it’s 11am on a Sunday and my fellow ritzy beach area residents are probably on their way back from Church with the fam and are subjected to me shuffling around the ‘hood in Uggs and Christmas plaid fleece jamz. Which is the exact picture I painted this morning. And you know what? Dooooooon’t Caaaaare. There were like 40 mph winds and the only way to get me out in that is in my coziest and warmest sleepwear. Plus, the magic of Christmas extends as long as the weather sucks. Everyone knows that. So without further ado (was that the longest definitely unnecessary self-deprecating rant you’ve read in a while?!) here’s the big Kahuna for red carpets from the kinda schmuck who has given up on actually dressing herself to leave the house…seriously spring can’t get here fast enough.

WORST

I get real turnt for a seafoam but this is too weird. Loose forearm sleeves…why? The choker sheer scarf brings me right back to the early aughts when the skinny scarf added to every outfit was a choice. Not a good one but ah those were the times. And may I also pose a question because I’ve seen this hairstyle a few times now? Is using gel to shellac a few wispy strands to the forehead a trend? Is this perhaps the new loose face framing strands with an updo? If so, respectfully no.

Ooohh this is more an MTV VMA’s look booboo. Lil party girl hoochie mama. Spoiler alert: her performance outfit was even hoochie coochier. Ah, to be in your twenties again.

What fresh hell is this? I’d compare them to pajamas but you’ve seen what duds I’m rockin to sleep in. Wouldn’t be caught dead in a silk tux. In fact, I just was introduced to silk pillow cases (s/o my sis for the gift) and my first trial run with them last night was REAL slippery. My head almost slid right off the bed on more than one occasion. Imagine wearing head to toe silk too? Hey Dwane, do a slide, let’s see how slick that sucker is!

This style feels outdated to me. Plus, kinda seems dangerous? Like why is her neck hooked up to her right tit? Looks like she’s trying to hang herself by her areola.

It’s giving airport lounge singer.

HOLY HAIR. My ‘lanta this is bad. First and foremost, I’ve always hated pink and red together. They clash as much as black and brown do (personal pref.) Second and probably more important, ew times a thousand to that Dynasty hairstyle.

This dress is a dinosaur personified. You can’t see it in this photo but the back is straight ridges and a tail. (Before I get internet yelled at, yes I’m aware she’s going for Wicked Witch for movie promo purposes. Still stinks.)

If you’ve ever wondered what it looks like to get eaten alive by an unruly pair of wide-legged pants, welp, here’s a real clear visual.

Two words: BUCKLE STRAPS.

She looks like she just got done smoking a long cig, listening to Fleetwood Mac on vinyl and just stumbled into the Oscars and no I cannot further elaborate on that very niche character I’ve just created from one cursory glance at this photo.

Honestly this is horrifying. I’m so overstimulated by this purple poppy sparkle ‘sploshe.

MARGOT👏 IS👏 DEAD👏 TO👏 ME. Great statement you’re making here. You’ve worn pink incessantly for the better part of a year and you’re done. This is the funeral of Barbie as we know it. Well GUESS WHAT BABE, I’ve been waiting for you to literally shit pink on the red carpet for the Oscars after a SUUUUUPER lackluster showing during awards season and you midas whale just hawk a lugey directly in my face with this outfit. And not for nothing but is that bedhead? What a giant F-U to anyone who wishes she has Barbie’s ENTIRE wardrobe at her fingertips (ME). I could’ve worn this shitty dress. In fact, I did to a wedding in 2018. BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO.

I’m less enraged about JLC wearing black because she didn’t singlehandedly make hot pink the *moment*, but this is still suuuuuch a snoozer.

Kind of a ricochet shot here from Margot but HOW DO YOU NOT WEAR A PINK SUIT?! I wanted SO MUCH from these two and I’ve never been more underwhelmed in my life when the possibilities were literally endless. Ya, I peeped those pink socks. Doesn’t count unless he’s gonna grow a set and pull them up over his pants.

I don’t know what’s happening up top here other than a rogue bedazzler but I’m all set.

This is a lot. I think removing the full blown pom-pom sleeves and the cape would make this more digestible.

UGH I hate the horned strapless top. Why so horny?

Oh fuck right off with this look, excuse my French. What is she, carrying an entire bunk’s worth of sleeping bags? How stupid. She’s mummified head to toe and then just dragging around bundles of laundry. For what? FOR WHAT, ARIANA?! To irritate your seatmate and look like an a*hole? Mission accomplished. (Before I get internet yelled at, yes I’m aware she’s going for Glenda the Good Witch for movie promo purposes. Still stinks.)

IT’S THE PEPLUM, BB.

Another iteration of the skinny dangling scarf and a reminder that less is more, people! The dress is good without a strand flying loose in the breeze.

Continuing my awards-season-long vendetta against top heavy ladies doing strapless and putting all the trust in the world into a very small/flimsy amount of fabric to keep everything in check.

Kinda trampy maid vibe, srynotsry.

BEST

A moment of silence for 90’s teen heartthrob Josh Hartnett coming back into the fold and being hot cool sunglasses guy with a glam wife upon his return.

It’s Andie Anderson yellow and I’ll always have a soft spot for that. Even though she’s not wearing the Isadora diamond, I’m very into this sapphire icing to contrast the golden tones of the dress.

MMM I love this color.

Pretty much every man disappointed me with a boring black tux so this is where we start getting really despy. I’m not a huge fan of poop suits but gotta give credit, Matthew spiced it up and matched his shades. Camila’s bejeweled boobs were doing it for me too.

Frannie got a BOD-AY. Great figure for a slinky gown like this, loving the little briefcase purse and the braid.

A coordinated coups!!! A rare sighting and it makes me swoon to see a man support his woman in fash. They both look amahzing and we don’t need to wonder where Emily’s lady bits are because we’ve got a treasure map pointing right to them! Also, a little jarring to see a dress that looks like it’s being held up above her shoulders by imaginary hands but once you get past that trickery, it’s hard to deny she looks STUNNING.

Whatta babe this dress fits her like a glove.

Again, not to beat a dead horse but that’s what I do BEST, would’ve loved a little nod to weird Barbie, but she does look lovely and classic.

Wish we got a TEENSIE bit more leg here, maybe a cut just past the knee skirt but, Billie! You did it, homegirl! She’s crushing this look!

So simple and yet it’s perfect!

Now this is what I’m talking about! FULLY redeemed himself from the red carpet flop with this Ken-licious look. Pink sparkles, shades, pink gloves, ALL ON POINT. Not to mention that this performance was above and beyond what I wanted. RyGos is Ken and Ken is RyGos.

SPARKLE FISH!

Very tasteful feather sitch.

I’m a big believer that polka dots should be taken out back with a shotgun but surprising us all, I LOVE this! It’s retro chic and I’m equal parts admiring and jelly of this island glow she’s sporting on top of the polkas.

I just want to tuck myself into Carey’s pocket (or poof) and go everywhere she goes. It’s no secret to anyone who has been a loyal follower of my red carpets that I REGULARLY slobber all over her. It’s like she never misses. Sure, this gown probably falls into the mermaid bottom category, but also it doesn’t because the way it’s cut with the scalloping black is on another level. High Fash for dayz. And take it from a gal who has roughly 8 sets of Christmas PJ’s to rotate…I KNOW high fashion.

An ice Queen in all the best ways.

GET IT, GIRL! Put your party ruffles on!

Respect for the toppiest of top buns and a slammin leg moment.

We haven’t seen this babe in a minute! She’s looking toight and I’m here for the shiny champagne gown.

A DEBUT BUMP! I’m always shocked by celebs who can sneak under the radar with a pregnancy. Gurl is REAL pregnant and just was like WHAM guess who’s with child on the red carpet. Love a buzzworthy moment and she’s werkin it Beyonce Single Ladies style.

Peps double standard. I’m not a h8er of this peplum because it’s like pepLite. It’s not a hard pep. Say pep again. Though let’s be real, the glitz is really what caught my eye.

I can get down with this cape.

MIAMI VICE. Love the contrast of the black sparkle palm trees against the pink shine.

Thank you for your service, sir.

BEST LOOK OF THE NIGHT:

“Oh damn, America!” were the exact words I texted my mother. I’m so all in for the pink on her. I may have dumped all over every other Barbie but America was consistently killing it this awards season and was leaning more into the dark classic gowns, so for her to flip the switch to pink for the finale, HELL YEA! The cut of this dress is so flattering and it’s very fun and Disco Barbie-esque.

Red Carpet

SAG Awards Red Carpet 2024

The SAG Awards being on a Saturday night has forever thrown me off, I remember days in my fresh from college years where I was pre-gaming to the awards. Obviously that is no longer an issue for me as I can’t remember the last time I unironically used the term pre-gaming or left my house after 10pm. But, pulling a red carpet out of my ass on a Saturday night is still a feat. On top of that, Netflix had to flex their live TV muscle and decide to show them this year making it confusing as to how I could even find them. Needless to say, I missed half the awards but it was too big of a heavy hitter to also miss the red carpet. (I figured the People’s Choice Awards were geared toward reality monsters and everyone looked like garbaggio anyway so I went ahead and skipped that one, you’re welcome.)

WORST

It’s Working Girl meets One Room School House and it is hideous.

I’m sorry, what? I could stare at this gloves/shrug combo deal forever and still be perplexed by it. Did she have to lay face first on a bed and put her hands and arms into those gloves and then pull the shelf bra over her chest? No that can’t be right because how did it get around the back? I may never figure this out but honestly I don’t want to because it’s disgusting.

I don’t love the color of this but even more so, I don’t love this weird glitter/brocade texture.

This is a Bitty Baby version of Kathryn’s duds above. What’s with the black shelf bra and sheer gloves?! Also, immediately no:

I literally get a headache just looking at it.

What a monstrosity. The poof around her neck is giving court jester while the 5 layers of cupcake tiers are giving my worst nightmare. And to top it all off we’ve got a blinding bronze linear pattern. Just goes to show that a best dressed at one red carpet can fall right down the well into a dumpster fire at the next.

This is jarring to say the least. Imagine being a grown adult with an underboob cutout in the shape of a Dorito? Cringe city.

American Girl Doll chic except it’s not chic at all it’s basically a picnic tablecloth with Kirsten braid bunz.

OoOoh a condom waterfall!

Lace halter is so 2000’s prom dress it hurts.

I’m actually feeling kind of torn about this. On the one hand, her makeup is stunning and I love the simple jewels. On the other hand, the top of this dress being a square with shoulder dangles and boxy throughout is super unflattering on her.

Ole toilet paper mummy head ass. Homegirl just looks like she got attacked by wolves on her way here. How are we calling this a dress? It’s just a bunch of shredded fabric glued together and if the person who designed this is rolling in it, I’m about to change careers. Charlee! Hand me my shears!

I hate to be the one to say it and I know I’ll rock the boat on the JAW cult following, but the man whose last name is White, does not actually look great in a white suit. It’s a little pervy to me and I can’t even explain why because it’s just a suit on a deliciously hot man. Maybe it’s the pointy black boots? I don’t know but so far this season we’ve seen him in all black and black pants with a white jacket and I was hunky dory with both of those but this is an ick.

I hate that opera gloves are making a red carpet comeback. Sure, I love to be dramatic as much as the next gal but we don’t need gloves up to our armpits with a full glam look. There’s a time and a place for the Pretty Woman gloves and green leather with a full detailed floral dress ain’t it, honey. (I actually like the dress because I’m a sucker for mint and for flowers but the gloves ruined it.)

I’m sorry, was the jester on several stylist mood boards for the SAGs?! HOLY DANGLES. This makes my eyes hurt and probably poked a lot of people as she scooted by.

DIE AWAY FROM ME BIG BELTS. No one, and I mean no one, should ever go back into their Big Belt Era. That being said (and I mean it, don’t let this stupid trend come back) I do like the top corset-esque cut to the dress.

Look, Bradley’s getting up there in age. He’s no longer the suave Hollywood babe so effortlessly. And that’s why I feel like I wanted more from him. He can’t just get by on his good looks anymore he’s gotta turn up the heat in the fashion department. I trust that he’ll read this note and come right for the Oscars.

STRAPLESS BOOBS.

I’ve got a Barbie heel to Margot Robbie’s neck this awards season and I won’t let up until she wows me. This is super vaginal. I saw it and was like oh she’s going for pussy chic. I KNOW she has an arsenal of original Barbie fits to pick from the cream of the crop and I’m sick of her not pulling out all the stops for red carpets. Sure, she kinda got snubbed for the Oscars. It’s whatever. All the more reason to be showing OUT on the carpet. Keeping my fingers crossed for an Oscars stunner.

GLEN GET THE HELL OUT OF HERE WITH THAT POOP SUIT WHAT TF ARE YOU DOING?! YOU HAVE A TOP ROM COM AND YOU SHOW UP ON THE SILVER CARPET LOOKING LIKE A TURD IN THE PUNCH BOWL AND NOT THE BABE SODA OF EVERY GIRL’S DREAMS?!

BEST

Simple and kinda 90’s alt chick but it works.

Oh hell yea this is a nice twist on the lady suit. Tuxedo style top with a sparkle skirt! I’m into this.

This guy is just happy to be here after that long hiatus and I like that he’s dressing to impress. He’s not pulling out the tired black tux, he’s spicing it up with a SAG-AFTRA blue (literally matches the background) and he looks great.

Not 100% in love with a mesh shirt but definitely swoon for a pastel blue.

I’m totally cool as a cuke about not having a flat tummy and continuing to consume all the cheese in the world until I see something like this and I’m like SHOULD I STARVE MYSELF/EXERCISE TO GET ABS?! The answer of course is I’d rather die, but I did think about it for a second. This midsection is TOIGHT. She looks fit as a fiddle and is even making me like peaches and cream in a gown.

The PERFECT hourglass dress.

Hey Girl, let me be your pastel Easter egg. Open me for a surprise. Whoa that took a weird turn, huh? That’s what happens when Ryan’s lookin like a spring snack getting me all hot and bothered.

An elegant Ice Princess.

The Disgusting Brothers can do whatever they want to me if they look like this. (I’m sorry I’m bringing an aggressive sexual energy to this red carpet, I literally can’t help it..look at Cousin Greg’s bedroom eyes.)

Put this in a museum because it’s a rare moment when I’ll say ok to these two. Billie’s back to black hair in a sassy pony and she’s got a school girl vibe and I’m digging it. It’s like classic Ralph Lauren. PLUS when her hair isn’t shades of neon, her eyes pop so much more! GO BILLIE GO!

I feel like Jen chopping her hair has contributed to a major glow-up. Not that she needed one. She’s been stunning for several decades in the spotlight but this sassy short hair is DOING IT ALL. She’s sunkissed (whether real or fake doesn’t matter), showing a little cleave and werkin a sparkle leg slit. Get down with your bad self, girliepop.

Normally not a cutout aficionado, but this seems like a tasteful side bewb sitch.

What a fun little glitzy hurricane number! Love the maroon and pattern.

Primary color Reese back at it again but damn it she looks fab.

Another fave look of the night, this dress is kinda scaley in a fun way! It’s like The Rainbow Fish but make it a little slinky number. Bookmarking this for my future wedding dress inspo. I’m gonna go into David’s Bridal and say just that.

This is me eating my words. Mermaid bottoms are toxic sludge EXCEPT when you ACTUALLY PLAYED THE LITTLE MERMAID. Loophole! I saw this and was like UGH KILL IT WITH FIRE. And then I remembered she was an actual mermaid and I immediately redacted it. She gets a pass. One time. Also great color.

Perfect LBD and really into the emerald necklace to give it a little pizazz.

I mean she’s the damn president of SAG AFTRA and basically led the strike and the negotiations for everyone to come back to making mid-TV and movies based on books. Let her rock a salsa girl emoji hot red number. She looks fabulous right down to the red nails. It makes my heart sing when a lady coordinates all of her details perfectly. 💃

BEST LOOK OF THE NIGHT:

I truly cannot stop gazing at this dress. It looks like liquid has been poured over her body in all the right ways. The chic bob on top and a simple necklace that perfectly accents the color is weeeerrrrkkkin. Everything about this is smooth AF.

Red Carpet

Grammys Red Carpet 2024

Music’s biggest night and an unwanted and somewhat harsh reminder that I’m too old to know half of the nominees! Seriously, who were half of these bozos?! Gotta be honest if we’re grading red carpets so far this year, this one was a real stinker. Not only was it 80% nobodies, but the somebodies dressed like street rats. In fact, I’m so disappointed I’m not even crowning a best look of the night. That’s right, when the children don’t behave, I take things away. Y’all are in time out.

WORST

Take that wave and beat it, nerd.

Well folks we’ve officially entered porny fashion when your nipples have to be blurred for People.com. Why are areolas an accessory? Lock that shit up, Doja. I don’t want to see that or really anything else that’s on display with this sheer dress. Honestly surprised she didn’t go full Kitty out.

Yaaaaa I get it, this is Billie’s thing. She dresses in baggie jammies like a teen going through a phase and whatever at this point that’s not what’s bothering me. She’s rocking a Barbie letterman jacket and that has cache these days. What grinds my Barbie gears is that if you’re going to go with brightly colored hair, WHY NOT DO PINK?! I mean come on, it’s such an obvious layup and I would be like YAS BARBIE KWEEN! Instead I want to barf.

Speaking of barfing, you know I’m about to rip a look apart when multiple people text me about it. Miley is known for seeking attention at awards shows as I think we all remember the nude latex bikini and foam finger duo as much as we’d like to forget. It’s no coincidence that as I’m writing this caption, she marched that behemoth of a teased mullet onto the stage to perform, further fueling my hatefire. I think I speak for everyone when I say what the actual fuck. What about her song Flowers deems an era of Princess Leia chains and an 80’s hairspray Joe Dirt mullet. She changed for the show probably because she didn’t want to sit on the equivalent of a chain link fence rubbing all up on her bits for 8 hours. She also switched to a less revealing but equally as loud silver showgirl number for her performance where her hair was once again a main character. You did it girlfriend, you got the attention, and possibly a metal rash. Enjoy sorting through that rat’s nest tomorrow.

No words, just this:

You can’t really tell because of how she’s posing but this dress has hip slits and no ma’am I don’t want it.

Our “did they finish making this dress?” look of the night. And to think this yarn and tulle explosion was done *on purpose.* And you know what’ll complete the look? Braids and a giant hat of course.

It’s the pointy shoes for me, bruh.

This was the part of the red carpet where I truly wondered if I should be watching these awards shows anymore. I know who Phoebe Bridgers is on her own, I didn’t know that she somehow was in a group called BoyGenius and these lil white shortpant suits are atrocious. I’m glad People used the picture where they’re mostly smiling because as they posed they looked like hostages in formalwear and it was v unsettling.

Welp this is pirate cosplay.

BOO. HISS. COME AT ME, SWIFTIES! This look stinks on toast and anyone who’s too wrapped up in their Taylor obsession to admit this cannot be trusted. This is a bedsheet. There’s nothing special about it other than the fact that it clearly showcases how her spray tan stops at her ankles. Yoikes, girl. As I’m sure I’ve mentioned before (possibly just to my family but perhaps on this platform) Swifties are awaiting the Reputation re-record. So everytime Taylor has been seen in public in the past few months, these psychos have been foaming at the mouth for Reputation clues. Well this seems to be the most promising as her black gloves and choker with a clock set to midnight leads to the assumption that we’ll find out soon if it’s coming out. I for one hope we get the announcement so I can stop reading REPUTATION IS COMING because she dared to have curly hair at a football game. And once again, timing is everything, as I write this she announces her brand new album (not re-record) coming out in April so blow my brains out we’ll hear about Reputation for the rest of our damn lives because this chick will literally not stop releasing 25 fresh songs every quarter.

She may have found herself on the worst dressed list but at least she looked better than her most hated ex-boyfriend who looks like a 70’s hotel carpet. WHAT A LOSER. A LOSER WITH A SKINNY WIENER.

THIS IS WHAT NIGHTMARES ARE MADE OF.

Oh ok, sure babe, just cut a hole in a dinner napkin and toss it over your head to cover your rack.

NOOOOOO not the cleavage tie. Don’t bring THAT back. This is trashy as hell and you can’t change my mind by bangling to your armpits and double hooping it, Lizzo.

I don’t care that this makes me sound like a senior citizen but what do kids these days see in a rapper who looks like orphan Annie? It’s alarming at best.

Former Sexiest Man Alive has really fallen hard off that post by doing a man cleave deep v silky tie shirt. It’s giving me all the icks.

Zach Bryan and Noah Kahan blew up into a different stratosphere this year. They kind of have similar music and also don’t really? That’s the best way I can describe men with good voices and strong lyrics who may or may not be the same genre. But I feel like they’re often mentioned in the same breath. So why not match for the Grammys? Like come on dudes, be original. Make a splash. I’m so tired of every guy looking identical.

Lana has a whole schtick and I’m sorry bout it but I hate it. I don’t think grown-ups wearing tea time dresses with puffy shoulders, hard bangz and bows coming out the ass is cute, I think it’s weird.

BEST

This outfit is so stupid that I respect the hell out of it. if you roll up to the Grammys as a nobody, you HAVE to do a bit. What do you have to lose? She will forever (until I forget next week) be known as fur sombrero.

Do I love this? No. But Chrissy’s got a set of hot legs and I dig the rose shape to make it floral fun.

This style dress is definitely having a moment as I’ve already peeped it a couple times this season. I like a little optical illusion even though overall this is kinda a snoozer. Yeah that’s right, I’m so annoyed with this red carpet that even my “best dressed” are getting a little sass too. WOW ME, PEOPLE. I’m not one of those E Red Carpet correspondents who falls all over themselves to say each person they speak to is stunning, flawless, and amazing. If they’re all stunning, flawless & amazing then NO ONE IS.

ONLY Lenny Kravitz can wear a mesh shirt with leather sleeves. No one else. (Also that bod…sup?)

Stunning, Flawless, Amazing.

This is a flattering gown but can I ask what the rules are for trends? Because some of these trends that are having a hard comeback like chokers for example, were spicy in 2016. And that seems too soon? Like who decides the rebound period on what’s hot in the streets. I’m mostly pissed because I got rid of my chokers last year. I figured by the time they came back around I’d be too old for them and NOW HERE WE ARE. The over the knee boots, dark lips and chokers were my MF’in JAM in 2016 and 2017 and who could’ve predicted that they’d only take a 6 year hiatus?!

Ed looks trendy kewl in this camo-ish set but why is Aaron Dessner dressed up as a burglar?

This is classy cool and how you rock a power hat.

Could do without the OJ Simpson gloves but love the detailing giving a black suit some pizazz.

God Billy Joel is so cool it hurts. The iconic wayfarers, dropping a new song when he literally never has to release music again because he plays nothin but the hits at the Garden every month to a soldout crowd. Of course, that’ll be ending soon, and I’m definitely not feeling any sorts of bitter about it as someone who couldn’t afford nosebleeds for $300 a piece and lamely keeps checking hoping somehow I’ll find a deal. COME ON PIANO MAN, HOOK A GIRL UP! (I was supposed to see him in December of 2022 and he just had to go and cancel 3 days before. SO CLOSE YET SO FAR.)

Sofia is the moment for fashion. Everything she does is so chic, so much so that her first post-pregnancy announcement outfit provoked me to immediately message my sister and ask her if I need to start one-strapping my overalls now even though I’m not with child but look like I potentially could be.

That’s hot.

OK GAYLE. She’s WERKIN this sparkle jam.

Can’t shout out Gayle without her #1 homegirl O! Oprah is aging backwards. She’s skinny again, she’s rocking a party pony, she’s still running the shouting announcer-voice style into the mic bit into the ground. It continues to be Oprah’s world and we’re all just living in it.

Definitely had higher expectations for Kelsea because she’s been crushing this year but I do enjoy the purple flowers even though the top half of the dress looks like she got mauled by a bear.

Christina went onstage early to present and I was like HOT DAMN she looks amazing and immediately scrambled to find her red carpet piccie. She’s killin it in baby blue!

Including this photo was 1000% for my own entertainment. This is Bonnie McKee. She sang the sleeper 2004 hit “Somebody” which you may remember from the absolute fire flames rom com classic “Win A Date with Tad Hamilton,” which I still quote regularly. I was #blessed to see Bonnie open up for Ryan Cabrera soon after in my first parents-free concert and color me shocked to see her fiery red hair on the carpet that matches the drapes. BONNIE?! WHATCHU DOIN AT THE GRAMMYS, GORL?! Proud of you.

BUSTA with the floral patterned jacket!

Despite the jarring lip/chin dangle, Fantasia looks bomb.com here and I certainly cannot say the same for her Tina Turner inspired performance where she had an actual tail dangling from her downstairs and a rattail floating from her upstairs. Lotta tail and it really made me wonder if no one wanted to dance it out with her in the audience because of that.

I’ll allow it because it’s glittery.

Haven’t seen Ellie in a minute and I’m into this witchy Raven of darkness mood.

Kelly looks like a babe soda and this gown really accentuates her new figure which I can’t help but notice turned up REAL QUICK and I wonder if she’s drinking the Ozempic Kool Aid?! I hope not. YOU’RE BETTER THAN A DIABETES DRUG THAT BRAVOLEBRITIES ABUSE. Jus sayin. If you lost weight the old fashioned way (by starving yourself and doing 3 workouts a day) then I redact and you keep up the good work, girl!

The Holy Trinity. Can I just say that as soon as I glimpsed Blue as a grown ass woman in a gown, I was like oh wow I’m 900 years old. When did she become an adult?! She looked very elegant, especially next to her mom wearing a white 10 gallon hat lookin like a damn fool. You may be thinking, is she really going to take shots and Tay AND Bey?! And you bet your bottom dollar I am because if you wear something stupid, I’M GONNA TELL YA! YEEHAW. In all seriousness, I do like Beyonce’s outfit just absotootley didn’t need a comically large cowboy hat to top it off. PS Jay-Z’s speech was my favorite of the night. Admitted he was nervous as hell but landed the plane with some inspirational thoughts at the end. HOV!

Red Carpet

Emmys Red Carpet 2024

WELCOME BACK! Did everyone have a lovely week?! As your top awards season fashion commentator, I spent the week popping off color coordinated lewks that belong in a museum but were only viewed by my dog and perhaps a few Ring cams that captured me dropping fast food on their stoop whilst Door Dashing. Since I stunted my Barbie track suit on y’all last week, it only makes sense to continue to show you what makes me qualified to barf all over A-list celebrity red carpetwear.

I mean come ONNN, the alternating fur and maroon?! Chef’s Kiss MWAH. My dog truly doesn’t understand what a top fashion runway model her mom is.

WORST

Ok that is ENOUGH. We are two for two with a well endowed woman wearing a strapless gown during awards season and I am NOT HERE FOR IT. Strap those yabbos in tighter or I’m gonna start handing out citations from the Titty Police.

I’ve never seen a more boring look ever. Middle part, pin straight hair, high neck sleeveless black dress. YAWN. You couldn’t do ONE thing to jazz this up?! Earrings? A purse? I honestly would’ve welcomed a set of XL cans struggling to stay in a strapless top *just this once.* ANYTHING!

And the pendulum swings back in the other direction because Christina was like I’ll give you some razzle dazzle and I hate this. I hate the deep V but even more so, I hate the tacky green bedazzled chonky necklace.

I understand he was trying to be trendy but what fresh hell is this?! Plopping a button under your shoulder just makes it look like your jacket is putting a CLINIC on trying to stay closed over your WIDE midsection. No sudden movements, my dude, or that thing’ll go soaring!

Too much mixed media here for me to get on board. Florals, bright colors, sparkles, AND black mesh? Gotta pick a lane.

Get this out of my face immeds. It’s giving needle pinning a post-it note over her hooters. I couldn’t scroll Twitter last night without seeing this image from multiple sources:

pic.twitter.com/I2TLQFkgHK
— Vulture (@vulture) January 16, 2024

To the point where I had to fact check if she was indeed wearing Berger’s break-up post-it on her dress. She was not, folks, but if you have to seriously wonder that, I think we can all agree this dress is trash, much like Jack Berger was. (The real SATC fans know.)

Imagine wearing a dress that makes everyone immediately think “does she not own a steamer?” Honestly even hanging it near the shower would’ve helped. Why is wrinkled a fashion choice. It’s bottom of the laundry basket, I think I can get one more wear out of this…not awards show formalwear.

Sometimes the champ one week becomes bottom of the barrel the next and that my friends is the CIIIIIIIIRCLE of LIFE! Hate this corset clasp-heavy top and feel like she’s about to board a pirate ship in this getup.

I would be down with this angelic lady tux if it had ANY OTHER bottom other than the stuuuuuuupid mermaid monstrosity.

Guy who played Nate can pander all he wants with a football jersey, but I’m still never going to forgive him for shitting all over that sweet, sweet Ted Lasso. (Spoiler alert: he came back around and apologized but I don’t accept.)

He looks so uncomfortable and it’s making me uncomfortable. Imagine the SOUNDS this outfit makes every time he moves a limb. Fart city, population: this leather suit.

WowWOWwowWow. It’s still too soon for me to see her and not become untethered with rage. Kewl woven basket chairs over your nips, NAHT.

The top of this dress is giving birth to the bottom of this dress. I can’t unsee it and now you must all suffer with me.

Blow it out your peplum blowhole.

It shouldn’t come as a shock because Alex treats awards shows like her own personal zany dress-up sesh but barf all over me with this sexy lil tamale of a circus ringleader lookin bullshit.

Oh HELLOOOOOOOOOO.

MOOve over, this jacket is udderly repulsive.

Oh we just going shirts off now? Shirts optional at a formal awards ceremony! Pop them TOPs!

Cool cool cool cool.

Bleh. A matron of honor dress.

I was immediately irked by this look and I couldn’t put my finger on why until it hit me. It’s loud. It’s shiny and tacky and just too loud. Katherine is trying to show everyone this year that she’s not the difficult bitch she was painted to be after she left Grey’s and this look…isn’t convincing me.

OoOoh pregnancy is beautiful and women are amazing and the way our bodies change and our skin glow and BLAH BLAH BLAH save it, sister. I DO NOT NEED TO SEE YOUR ENTIRE BABY UNLESS I AM YOUR GYNECOLOGIST. Sukz is doing ENTIRELY too much with this look and I’m NOT A FAN. The cooch bow, REALLY?! On top it’s like she put an apron on during some frisky role playing and then attached a table skirt to it via vadge bow. Congrats on the sex and everything but keep the full belly and birth canal side peeps for your baby daddy.

BEST

The forehead curls. SWOON. What a goshdarn whole snack.

I waffled back and forth on this one and eventually was won over probably because I have a soft spot for Free Willy. For reals though, the optical illusion of the circle skirt is pretty eye catching.

Mmmk Tony with the oat milk blazer!!!

Kaitlin’s dress is a stunner. She’s clearly SAP (skinny as possible) but the lined corset accentuates it even more in a classy hawt way. Rob’s whatever. It’s all about his lady.

#GenderEquality, now I’m going to say Emily’s whatever, LOOK AT KUMAIL in that steel grey suit!

Cute lil bob on Amy and an if it ain’t broke don’t fix it glitzy Miss America number.

I LOVE that an old guy like Brian is rolling through with something fresh like this. Could’ve gone classic black tux but he was like OH FUCK OFF I’M GOING DUSTY GREY WITH A POCKET SQUARE AND A BROOCH.

Trent Krimm, Independent lookin snatched as hell in a rainbow tweed-ish looking suit. The untied bow tie is a cherry on top. Total cool guy move.

I support anyone looking to have their Carrie Bradshaw tutu moment.

I did a literal double take to make sure we weren’t looking at the goodies on full-frontal display and because of this neckline literally tricking my eyes, I’m tipping my cap to it.

LOVE this silhouette for her bod, could probably take or leave the retro ice pack material. No seriously, did your mom ever fill up one of these bad boys with some cubes from the freezer? It had a certain smell to it and looking at this dress, I feel like I can smell it. But even thought I definitely ruined that for you…still supes cute!

A moment of silence for girlies who start dating a guy and then completely change their entire sense of style to match his. There has never been a more drastic example of this than when Kourtney and Travis started dating and she went full punk rocker chic. Taking it to an extreme here by just full-on having a twinsie moment. Can’t wait til she shaves her head and covers it in tatters.

I saw lots of reds and maroons and blacks, but not a lot of jewel tones and I’m loving this shade on her.

A fuzzy duckling that stands out among the rest. I wanna see this frock in action. Take it for a spin on the dance floor, let those feathers fly!

A stunning rose. No notes.

I appreciate the remaining Presley’s showing out as a unified front even if they are dressed as cryptkeepers. Digging the funky pattern and gauzey look of Riley’s skirt.

What a fun sparkle-tini! One of my fave looks of the night and perfectly coordinated with the silver carpet and as you can see from my maroon ‘fit…I get a real boner for color coordz.

Again, just me getting excited for someone switching things up! A neon splash looks great with her complexion and another dress that I want to see on the move. Wish we got twirl gifs in addition to still shots.

Jennifer’s pretty top-heavy and look how nicely she styled these bazookas! There’s a way to not dump your knockers right on the red carpet and I applaud that. She also may be the only one to pull off the pieces of hair in the front that I normally hate so much. She can pretty much do no wrong.

Dapper looking host in a floral suit.

This dress is huuuugggin her curves, yo.

Another top look, Selena’s been bringing it this awards season so far. I’m mostly just a sucker for the dark lip, a trend that I wholeheartedly embraced back in 2016 when reputation-era Taylor Swift made baddies with a deep plum pout on trend. I tried to revive it in 2019 and my niece who was 2 at the time immediately put me in my place and pointed at my face asking what was wrong. SOME PEOPLE JUST DON’T GET FASHION. Might go for round 3 now that Selena’s rockin it so hard. I’ll report back on if my dog approves.

A seafoam feather train as I LIVE AND BREATHE!

A classic siren ball gown.

A close second for best look of the night, head to toe perfection. This dress is cool AF and adds an air of whimsy to her Wednesday Addams mean muggin face.

BEST LOOK OF THE NIGHT:

Ellen Pompeo’s been out of the game for a minute. She basically bought out Grey’s Anatomy and moonwalked out of Hollywood, so this is the first time I’ve seen her on a red carpet for a bit and I’m very into this little ascot party that’s happening. I’d be down to try the sparkle sheer top with a high-waisted skirt to cover up my belly full of Christmas cookies. Maybe when my self-imposed shopping ban is lifted, I’ll dabble with this AND the dark lip TOGETHA. You know, for all the high profile events I get invited to. On second thought, I’ll probably keep kickin it in matching sweatsuits sans makeup.

Red Carpet

Golden Globes Red Carpet 2024

There’s no post-Christmas blues here! My very real Christmas tree is still atwinklin (smelling pine fresh and not dropping needles at all so definitely super worth it, MOM AND DAD) and it is *oprah voice* AWAAAARRRRDDDSSS SEASON! Due to the strike, Emmy’s have been pushed to this month and we’re going to get a wham, bam, three in a row to start and I’m foaming at the mouth for reasons to shout my fashion opinions into the void. As always, I like to include my credentials as top bitch Fashion Police. Look no further than the Barbie sweatsuit I acquired recently that makes me look like the offspring of Tony Soprano and Barbie herself. Life in plastic, it’s fantastic, FUGGETABOUTIT.

WORST

I can’t quite tell what the material is that created these weird skeleton lines but it’s creepy and weird. Update: it just photographs horribly, on TV it looked shiny Gold. But the deed is done so sorry bout it.

Is O wearing cRuShEd VELVET?! Barf all over me.

WHOA this is unflattering. The black and white orca combo deal falling right at her hips and then adding on a full skirt?! Makes her look like a real wide load and I know she probably isn’t .

The hardest of hard no’s to this Catholic school girl, Fat Albert style.

One word: Peplum.

This woman won and as she was walking up to the stage and accepting her award using dramatic arm gestures, I figured it was only a matter of time until one of those big ole titties dumped right out on camera. WHAT A GAMBLE. You don’t have a set of knockers like that and then not strap them up for your safety and honestly everyone else’s as well. I will never understand top-heavy women going strapless.

This is such a damn snoozefest. Sure she looks beautiful, I can’t imagine a scenario where she wouldn’t but COME ON with this shapeless black frock and basic blowout. Also she’s up for No Hard Feelings? Are we for serious? That movie was horrific.

This rubbed me the wrong way and I’m not even really sure why. Sure, I don’t owe anyone an explanation because I wear the high fashion Barbie tracksuit and therefore I make the rules and youse don’t. But I will say I think it’s the butt bow/train situation.

Honesty is the best policy and seeing Natasha on this red carpet sent a COLD shiver down my spine because I endured what seemed like 6 whole months (really probably 6 weeks) of Old Navy commercials where they gave her the Lindsay Lohan Parent Trap special and her and another version of her both decked out in Old Navy duds screamed WOW over and over again until I wanted to literally rip my ears out of my skull and throw them into the ocean. So not only is this horned fringe frock a total monstrosity but if 30 years passed before I saw her again it would still be too soon.

I had the HIGHEST of expectations for Margot. She killed as Barbie. A stunning queen that is so flawless it didn’t for a second cross my mind that she wasn’t the actual idealized Barbie come to life. Each look in the movie was iconic and everyone in America agreed as she literally took over Halloween. My 6 year old niece wore her gingham number to trick or treat and I was legitimately jealous of her. But a glitter v-neck and a loofah as an accent? No ma’am, this ain’t it. She could’ve gone WILD, she could’ve been SO extra and over the top and everyone would’ve been like yes absolutely she’s just a Barbie girl in a Barbie world. And she went with this. What a disappointment. Even my sweat set blows this outta the water. (Y’all were thinkin it, I’m just sayin.)

Welp, at least Barbie and Ken go down together. This suit with a white outline is dumb and so are Ryan’s piecey bangs. YOU’RE RYAN GOSLING. You’re so stinking hot that people made memes of you for YEARS that just said Hey Girl and you can’t show up in your all-time best after you just depicted the fantasy boy toy?! Not to beat a dead horse but play into the Ken bit and show up in a ridiculously campy outfit. When else can you do that?! UGH guys, I mean do you need me to dress you too?! PS I realize this is the first awards show of the season and hopefully me coming down with the hammer now will result in amahzing Oscars getups for both Ken & Barbie.

This is fine but hits on one of my greatest style pet peeves of doing slicked back wet hair like you just hopped out of the shower. Ick city, population: me.

Say it with me now, POOOP SUIIITTTTTT. 💩

Love this lavender but if only she had lost this God-awful jacket. Or even ditched the puff sleeves on it because NOT EVERYTHING NEEDS TO BE PUFFY. Between flares coming back, we don’t need bell bottoms AND bell sleeves in our culture again. It’s too damn much.

I wanted so much more from him. This is dad at a wedding kind of lame.

This chick is just wearing pink saran wrap and you cannot convince me otherwise.

Lotta boob for me. I would’ve been cool with this if there was just a scooooch more coverage.

In the words of the late great Logan Roy, “Oh, fuck off.”

We get it, you have perky breasts. Congrats, booboo.

GIANT BOW DOES NOT A FASHION MOMENT MAKE.

BEST

I could honestly be swayed either way on this. At first I was like nah to the black gloves and put it on the worst dressed but now I’m re-examining and I think I’m kinda down with this 1950’s sexy vibe. Plus she went onstage to present right at the same time and I saw the open back with a cute tiny bow and that really sealed the deal.

I never knew I needed to see Emma Stone with a Sweet Home Alabama era Reese hair flip until right this second. How stinkin adorable. The sparkles on this gown have managed to make the embroidered flowers less granny and more chic. Top to bottom win.

Ok with these lil bobsie sleek hairstyles! Back to back and I’m here for it. Beautiful, shimmery and flattering gown for America, love the square neckline.

And this is a fabulous example of how to make a tulle bottom skirt work! Fantasia’s stylist should take notes.

My homegirl who often texts me just never misses on a red carpet. Old Hollywood soft curls and a baby pink princess gown. Chef’s kiss. Also I may have ranted and raved about bell sleeves but let’s make full flower bouquet sleeves happen.

Stunning sequin work. Looks like it belongs in a museum.

I’m not really a fan of the color green, especially a shade as boogery as this one, but Taylor is nothing if not calculated in each color that she wears in public. So if I know my Swifties, we’ll have a theory by the time the clock strikes twelve. All I took away from this is that her rack looks phenomenal.

A big proponent of male cleavage, we’ve gotta give credit to the trailblazer and godfather of splashy looks, Lenny.

I’m obsessed with a matching set and I’m obsessed with glitz so of course I’m gonna get down with a sequin lady-suit.

Thanks to Calvin Klein we all are picturing what’s underneath here, amirite?! WINK.

Credit where credit’s due, sparkle jacket. Also that necklace is like one step away from being puka shells and that’s a line I’m not willing to let anyone straddle. Get your shit together, Tim.

I want this dress.

His luscious locks are still the envy of most women and he even manages to pull off leather gloves without looking like a total serial killer.

Kate threw me for a loop here! I’d expect to see Lady Gaga wearing this onstage and I’m pleasantly surprised to see it on a red carpet. Those platforms alone are a risk, mostly for a body cast if she takes a tumble but also fashionwise.

Perf fash choice for the cool girl 70’s musician role that she played.

A stellar red moment and another bob! Bobs are back, BB. Should I get one? LMK.

I can’t tell if she’s wearing bedazzled glasses or if it’s just the reflection of the camera flashes but I like them. As someone who used to wear fake glasses all the time as a kid because I thought they were cute, I love when someone rocks a pair of frames. The dress is kinda hotel bedsheet supreme so let’s just focus on the specs.

Timeless! (Guys, my best dressed list is HEAVY for this one and you KNOW how hard it is to think of something original to say for each and every outfit so please accept that I’ve crushed it thus far and I’m starting to fade.)

Honestly a little conflicted here because it’s John Krasinski and it would hurt my soul to put both John AND the Gos on the worst dressed but also anyone who wears a suit jacket of this color looks just like a waiter/bellhop/valet. The goal should be to not look like someone in the service industry when you’re a rich person dressing for an exclusive invite-only awards show. But we’ll let it slide, just this time.

Kristen has been getting edgier and edgier in her fashion choices and usually I puke in my hands at the sight of them but this one works! Props to this dark sexy angel lewk.

This works. That’s all I’ve got.

OH OK HANNAH, I SEE YOU. She knows how to WeRk that hourglass figure and I love the contrast of this little Morticia numba against the purest of beige flower walls.

Almost blends right into the background. Sure I mock bows a lot but this one seems to be an appropriate size for the dress. Honestly it’s size and placement that get my knickers in a twist when it comes to bows. Don’t put it on the butt and don’t have it be comically large in a weird spot and I won’t roast the smithereens out of it.

Initially I was like KEVIN COSTNER IS BACK, YO! Those shades? Ultimate cool guy move. But then…he did one of the cringiest bits with America Ferrera while presenting and my sister and I exchanged a flurry of texts wondering if he was indeed ok. His voice was scratchy, he seemed real out of it and even the photo he posted was awkward. So someone pls do a wellness check on Kev.

You know my rule! I cut all of the snoozertons who wear the same black tux because they don’t deserve my fashion honors. It’s the risktakers I want to see like this bloke. His lapel is perfectly coordinated with the wall behind him.

Would’ve thought I’d hate this uneven hem but it’s doing exactly what it should be doing. A quick trick of the eye making her legs look hot hot hot. Great color too.

Is Elizabeth attending her own wedding?! Obsessed with the corset bodice and lace.

This is the closest Jen has gotten to “The Rachel” in years and how fun!! She looks sassy and youthful. She keeps it basic for her dresses usually but always looks like a 10 so no need to jazz that up.

She’s the Queen for a reason, people.

I genuinely forget that these two are married in real life and then a red carpet rolls around and I’m like oh ya. Look a lil stiff but this car wash frock is keeping things spicy!

Ya I know I dumped on her costar who was basically wearing the same thing but her version is just clicking better for me. Could be the skinny arm runway attitude.

It’s giving Amalfi Coast in the best kind of way. What a breezy leisure suit.

s/o this guy for giving me something different to look at. BUTTONS!

Chessie going for real life Jessica Rabbit in the best kind of way.

See John Krasinski’s caption for my thoughts on this shade of suit, but I’ll give it to him for the pattern switch-up. No, I did not get bullied into watching Saltburn like the rest of the internet did and surprisingly I have no FOMO.

GORGE. No notes.

BEST LOOK OF THE NIGHT:

HOLY BOMBSHELL! Not in the original roundup that I scrolled through before drafting this blog, when the camera panned to her for her nomination I literally gasped. WHAT A MOMENT. The coordinated red, the buttons, the leg, the cleavage. ALL OF IT HELL YES. And an additional moment of silence for that ribboned ponytail. Suffice to say, Midge would approve. Would’ve killed to see her attempt to get up onstage in this but unfortunately she didn’t take home a Globe.

That’s it for me for this round, see ya next weekend. Goombah Barbie, OUT. ✌️

Red Carpet

CMA’s Red Carpet 2023

I find myself once again cable-less. At this point, y’all should have bets or a drinking game associated with if I have cable at the moment or not. I don’t get why cable doesn’t just sponsor this blog, we’re 9 years in and TV has been my life for all 9 of those years (and more). Throw a girl a bone, I CAN’T AFFORD STREAMING AND CABLE IN THIS SINGLE INCOME HOUSEHOLD. So anyway, here I am peering through the window of a nice family sitting down for dinner while I sit out in the cold, hungry. AKA trolling People.com for red carpet photos of an awards show I’ll never see. A slave to the fashion, if you will.

WORST

A lot of ladies went with a bold red matching the carpet to the drapes and honestly didn’t love it overall. This also is a personal bias of mine (how dare I let those slip into my blog that almost no one reads) but no gown will ever make a giant winged chest tattoo elegant, try as she might by covering it up with that criss cross style. SARRY BOUT IT.

My homegirl Mickey is one of the bigger names to show up to this shindig and this dress looks like a cheap Forever 21 number. Ya gotta be better than a bedazzled club dress in an Easter pastel yellow.

When I tell you I GASPED at Nicole. Even though this is what I imagine my body would look like if I were to ever quit cheese fries and chicken tenders cold turkey, is she ok? I’m starting to get a little worried about AMC movie theatres’ number one fan. Not as worried as I am about Keith still wearing lifts in a chunky 90’s loafer so he can reach Nicole’s lips for a smooch.

I hate to do this because I like the Stapleton’s but this is such an iconic Taylor Swift look that people literally went batshit for recreating…I mean I just saw this dress on FB marketplace advertised as “the perfect Taylor Swift costume” and it feels wrong to copy it so boldly on another red carpet. I’m sure Morgane is a Swiftie just like the rest of America and wanted to pay her homage, but it feels like cheating to approve. Plus it’s kinda a cheap knock-off too I mean LOOK at the flower variety below circa the Grammys and tell me you still like the pre-school arts and crafts version above.

WHEN WILL STYLISTS DO AWAY WITH GIANT BUTT BOWS?! Stop trying to make it happen, it’s NEVER going to happen.

I remain largely unconvinced that this photo isn’t an AI creation. Not knocking Maddie and Tae because they’re both beauties but this photo looks like one of those perfect makeup Bratz cartoon Snapchat facial filters. Gonna need a video of these two speaking to prove they were actually there and this picture isn’t a couple of robots.

This pattern made me break out in a cold sweat. It was a trend I had long forgotten and I didn’t even realize how horrifying it was until I was triggered by this dress. Remember the Y2K era of sheer shirts and distressed tattoo-like designs? Let me remind you.

DO NOT BRING THIS BACK. (She says as if the result of this search wasn’t where you can easily buy these exact shirts today.)

Well that’s certainly one way to make a statement. It’s not a statement I’m ready to accept but maybe some other fashion critic is tickled horny by this Xtina Dirrty music video getup.

Change it up my dudes. I’m convinced that these two wear the same exact thing at every awards show and I don’t have any facts to back that up. Of course you could always just look back on the archives of red carpets here to prove me right or wrong but ain’t nobody got time for that. This sparkly little jacket is giving off big time Vegas vibes and the awards show is happening in Nashville so STRIKE 3.

This dress is tacky as hell right down to the stripper heels as is having matching purple hair.

What we’re supposed to believe Post Malone is country now? Get the hell outta here, bro. Hand in your bolero at the door.

I’m SORRY WHAT?!

Are we just treating red carpets like a Halloween party now? This is literally just a Pretty Woman costume. That would be like me attending the Grammys in the iconic Andie Anderson golden gown wearing the Isadora diamond. I mean come on is anyone original anymore?!

These bell bottoms are OUT OF CONTROL.

Sick brown plaid suit, Luke. NAAAAHHHHHHT.

What the actual fuck are we looking at here? I mean furrealz Halloween was weeks ago and everyone has their Christmas trees up by now so WHAT IS WITH THE COSTUMES?! Is this a bit? Am I missing something? Cause imagine a cute girl like this was like I’ll only walk the red carpet if I can dress like a sexy construction worker and drag around a giant orange cone. She should be banned from all future awards shows for this stunt. Mostly because of the neon camel toe we were all just subjected to without warning.

BEST

This is just a good ole country boy happy to be here, shirt tassels blowing in the breeze.

As much as I wish that Luke Bryan stayed young forever shaking his hips onstage in a white tee, jeans, and a backwards hat, I understand that everyone must mature and he does cool dad leather jacket black tie just as well. His wife has always looked like a Golden Globe.

What a sassy little piñata jumpsuit!

Obsessed with everything about this dress.

Oh ok, Paula Abdul, I see you.

The only red gown I approved of because she flawlessly matched her lip and also didn’t completely rip off a fictional hooker from the 90’s.

Sara Evans serving a tasteful amount of leg and just the right amount of razzle dazzle.

Really into this coordinated hunter green situation. How very fall of them.

I like that Chris went classic Prince Charming black tux and let his lady shine as Cinderella.

I legit had to mop up a little drool after seeing this pic. Sure, Riley is Babetown USA regardless of what he’s wearing but he went RIGHT for my weak spot with this oatmeal suit. Every piece of clothing I have purchased in the last 8-10 months has been EXCLUSIVELY oatmeal. I’m going through an earth tones nude phase that I may never find my way out of and Riley absolutely understood the assignment. A classic choice.

This has got to be one of the goofiest poses that a red carpet photographer has ever captured which leads me to believe that this guy ONLY poses with his head cocked to the side like he’s confused and yet also intrigued. This gent is the first ever Golden Bachelor and we needn’t learn his name because he will fade into oblivion as soon as this season wraps up. Gotta give credit where credit is due, this blue suit is a GREAT choice which was his only saving grace from not getting absolutely roasted on my worst dressed.

Morgan Wallen chopped that God-awful mullet (take a hint, Kyle Cooke) and he’s clearly feeling fancy free and funky fresh with this burnt sienna jacket. It’d be even cuter if the mustache got deleted next.

Very into this half and half sparkle. Super flattering and fun without being tacky.

No clue what warranted a HubbHouse appearance at the CMA’s other than the fact that she’s on a full press tour bashing Carl. But I love a girl who is shamelessly doing post-breakup revenge looks. Hubbs spent all of BravoCon last weekend accentuating her assets and this jazzy gown full of cutouts and slits its no different. Eat your heart out, Carl. Less stress. More Life.

BEST LOOK OF THE NIGHT:

These two are having a real moment in the spotlight right now. Instead of being the bitter bitch that I usually am, I’mma let them have it. WE LOVE LOVE! LET THEM BE IN THEIR LOVE BUBBLE! Kelsea is shoveling dirt over the grave that was her marriage by singing songs with snarky insults to her ex all while she’s gallivanting all over with her new hot piece BF that she got by sliding into his DM’s, ~~John B~~ Chase. She looks amazing, she just crushed her first headlining show in her hometown while he watched in the crowd crying at how beautiful and talented she is, and truthfully every song she’s released in the past year has been catchy as hell. And now that I’m done slobbering over two hot famous people banging, this pink gown and soft old Hollywood glam curls are Chef’s Kiss.

Red Carpet

Met Gala Red Carpet 2023

Ok, here’s the deal. On Valentine’s Day the Mets emailed me and were all like “Ooohhh I bet you’re lonely and have a touch of the seasonal depresh, here’s a deal marketed JUST TO YOU.” And I’ve never felt more seen. I didn’t skip a beat in drawing out that ole CC and buying 4 tickets in lower level seats for a discount price just because it was winter and I didn’t have someone to snuggle with. Which is how we ended up here, with me a little sauced (understatement of the century) on Met Gala Monday after having already observed Met Monday. In fact, I made the joke, what if I showed up at the Met Gala in my Mets hat?! It bombed. No one laughed. These are the hard truths one has to overcome when you have a casual personal blog that you take way too seriously and also try to do excursions at the same time. I also tried to make “It’s gonna be Mets” happen. Regardless, that’s how I found myself over-served on a Monday doling out my typical (but maybe a little drunker?) Met Red Carpet observations. ‘NJoy. My first un-prompted thought: Why is everyone trying to be Wednesday Addams?! Follow-up thought…when my friend was like there were literal cats on the carpet, I SOUNDLY replied “oh yeah, that’s for Choupette.” So let the records show that even though I double booked baseball and fashion, I did NOT forget that this year’s theme was: “Karl Lagerfeld: A Line of Beauty” aka a tribute to his fashion forward (but definitely asshole) cat would not be out of line. PS I don’t care how famous you are, your cat is still an asshole, that’s just a fact, JACK.

I was literally on the train home when my BFF texted me “I hope you’re dong a met recap” to which I obviously replied with a drunk train selfie, but don’t let that boozey pic fool you because nothing and I MEAN NOTHING will stop me from judging celebs, especially whilst wearing an oversized Mets PJ shirt that was clearanced out at a whopping 3 dollars last season at Marshall’s. When I arrived home and this was the first outfit I saw it was ON like DONKEY KONG. Jenny. Jen. Lo. Baby. Whatchu doing girl?! There is no Met theme on this planet that would justify a 50’s pillbox hat, facial net and a side of tits out for the boys. This is a SWING AND A MISS. (Using baseball references cause I’m so into baseball these days and that’s obvious.)

We followed up Jen’s nipsy doodle with this Kimmy K pearl quartet and GAUGE MY EYES OUT STOP INVITING KARDASHIANS TO THE MET BECAUSE THEY EMBARRASS US EVERY YEAR. Kim is trying so hard to be Marilyn Monroe she’s about to pop an implant from how hard she’s trying to squeeze into Marilyn’s bombshell shoes. Give it up, girl. You can be hot and cool in your own identity, you don’t need to live up to these iconic American fashion staples. It’s ok, bbgurl. Relax.

I get that it’s been trendy to hate on Anne Hathaway for absolutely no reason which is exactly why I’ve always advocated for her. But I can’t here. This Elvira hairstyle with a pinned together dress is woof city, population: Annie get your gun and get the hell out of here. Sorry, not sorry.

Honestly, sure why not. I feel like I’m coming across like a real Negative over-served Nancy, and I’m not trying to bring your Tuesday down. Does a latex number salute Karl? Probably not. But if you’re going to go AWL OUT for a red carpet, Met Gala is the place to do it. So guh’ head Cardi. Get down with your black condom florals and tie and silver “wig” sitch.

Honestly, what’s the point of being a VS angel if you can’t just strap on a pair of damn wings whenever you please?! She’s freshly single and just wants to walk the catwalk as an angel no matter the time of year and I’m here for it.

I fully support a strong ab midsection and a spicy blazer, I will NEVER EVER (NOT EVEN IF THERE’S A FIRE) support a mermaid bottom. MER.MAID.BOTT.OM. GET LAWST with that. Toss your “I only eat kale” mid section in my face ALL THE LIVE LONG DAY but do NOT think you can slip a peplum skirt by me, KERRY.

This is our new Barbie, and with all due respect, this is boring as hell. You can’t be in a movie with ICONIC hot pink outfits and then be like ho, hum, lemme just toss on a basic black gown for the Met ball. Sure, she looks great, but YA GOTTA STUN ME. There were years that celebrities LITERALLY dressed as Barbie and we’re gonna just do a black gown when you ARE Barbie?! NO, babes.

This is right around the point where I was like oh ok, we’re all just doing Wednesday Addams. Like the theme was Karl Lagerfeld, a fashion designer ICON, and everyone was like I’ll just wear black and be emo. Kewl. Sick effort. Karl is R-O-L-L-I-N-G in his grave. Kendall looks cool and all but I’m bitter about this stupid and lazy approach to the theme.

Again, Lizzo looks fre$h but black and pearls is BOOOOOOOOOORING.

Check out that one flap of hair just dangling in her eye line. I’ve never been more infuriated by a patch of hair. Bye.

Since we’ve apparently interpreted “Karl” as darkness becomes my soul, Billie really nailed it. True story, this is pretty much her aesthetic and it really suits her.

I take back everything I said about Priyanka’s hair because WOOOOWWW. What’s the happs here?! Other than obviously a flood with those pants and loafies.

Even Choups took one look at this costume and was like NIGHTMARES. Better luck next time, Jared.

Gigi is the classic Abercrombie girl who goes to Hot Topic and is like I’m punk now, guys. Stick to jewel-toned horse logo sweaters with a popped collar underneath, booboo.

Things that clean your car in a car wash for 400, Alex.

Sure, bub, let’s just use the Met Gala as another avenue for you to push this “I only wear things that shock Conservatives” agenda. You win, you always do.

Michelle is having an awards season moment, so I’m not here to shit on that. She’s following the unspoken black and white rule and she looks good so get after it, mama.

Not gonna lie, I love a couple that commits to a fashion statement. Dwayne is just as into this as Gabs is, if not more.

Honestly how did she even snag an invite to this ordeal? No one correlates Nicole Kidman with high fashion. But here we are. She looks dece (more dece than she does on a red carpet) but still odd to see her. It’s like when a friend no one invited just casually showed up and you all had to pretend you invited her all along cause you’d look like a big ole group of heartless bitches if you didn’t. If you’re reading this and wondering if your girl gang ever did this to anyone, it’s you. They didn’t invite you. Sarry.

Sure, Barbs pink and feather are always accepted no matter the occasion.

It’s slowly starting to click (alcohol is a scary drug, folks) that everyone in H-wood just decided to dress EXACTLY like Karl for this evening’s events. On the one hand, Steph nailed it, on the other hand that I’ve leaned into A LOT, it’s so the OPPOSITE of creative. Ooh, the theme is Karl? Can I borrow on of his ties and pull my hair back to look like a man?! Insert the deepest of eye rolls here. I want FUNKY, not copy an 85 year old man who hasn’t changed his red carpet outfit in 59 years. Lookin at you for a wake-up call on this matter, Anna Wintour.

BOOOOOOOOOOOoOOOOoOOOOOOOOOO. You lived through the worst decades of fashion in the early aughts with baby tee’s and baby purses. You should be SLAYING at the Met Gala every year!! Triple decker platforms and a choker that spans the width of your body AIN’T IT, SIS.

Karlie took the Kimmy K pearls memo and repurposed into a belt and for that reason, I’m out.

Amanda looks like she was straight up electrocuted. And not in a chic way.

I don’t get it. I’m sorry. I know this is the most unpopular opinion because girls are creaming their jeans over this guy and yet, a high biz sock and a bare calf will dry a girl RIGHT UP. This is horrifying.

Red is making an appearance here and there on the carpet and I’m so desperado for a pop of color that I’m thirsty as hell for most of the red hot lewks. This is sex pot 101 with the latex corset and lace legs so snaps for Salma.

Cause nothing says bless us o’lord for these are thy gifts like a body chain rosary diving down your exposed cleavage and thigh high’s. God Bless the USA.

Is that a neck guitar?! Whatever, her hair and makeup looks good so this little topless guitar cape can slide on by.

10/10. No Notes.

Imagine throwing on a double decker head piece like this and thinking you won’t look stupid? I want that kind of confidence.

Simple but elegant and I’m always on board for a sparkly tassel.

Another carbon copy, I’m just gonna wear Karl’s skin as a suit move. Eyes rolling down the white and red carpet.

Cake ruffles…we all know where I stand on that trend. Also not for nothing but pink eye shadow should be banned, it forever makes people look unwell for wearing.

I would like this look a bajillion times more if we eliminated the neck bow/fake flower. I do love the lace and sparkle combo though.

This is BODACIOUS. Sure, it’s stupid to basically drag a comforter behind you but at least it’s a nice soft blue and complements the pastels in the dress.

This is bad prom 101. So tacky and unflattering.

It’s so great that we live in a society where the Bradley Cooper’s of Hollywood just show up in a plain ole tuxedo and people are like yes, he nailed it. Throw on some shades and a little hair tousle and women are fanning themselves.

I LIVE FOR AN OPEN BACK, BABY.

I know she has silver hair regularly and not just for this event so I’m not going to come at her for copying Karl. See? I can be rational.

This is the kind of shit I like to see. Over the top, I’m a Real Housewife of Dubai Queen. Bow down, bitches.

From Dubai to Ancient Greece. This look isn’t moving the needle for me. It’s random and out of place and the color is off.

The bows are suuuuhhhhhh STUPID. She literally looks like a five year old with a bow just tied into her hair like that.

Have we seen a blue number yet? Honestly, I don’t even remember because there were 124 photos on People.com. That is too many photos. We’re really pushing it here and I’m running out of steam BIG time. Will I ever be done with this blog? Probs not. I’ll be clacking away as a skeleton six feet under. Oh no, we’re getting loopy. I’m laughing the most at picturing myself as a skeleton. At least my figure would be top notch. Could eat all the hot dogs I want cause they’d just fall right out. Anyway, her legs look bangin and matching boots to the dress? OKURR.

Stunning. That dark lip contrast is Chef’s Kiss.

WHAT FRESH HELL IS THIS?! I’ve never hated anything more. A black “my hair is dirty so I’ll slip this on” headband and peach satin?! Woof.

I never put two and two together while watching Daisy Jones & the Six that this is Rob Pattinson’s latest piece. Seems like an odd match-up. Digging her little fairy dress but the PINK EYESHADOW DAMNIT. It makes women look sick.

I’m into this whoutfit with flower dangles. I also like a man who commits to the theme and doesn’t just roll up as himself, BRADLEY.

I very much do not like this.

Bangs?! BANGS, EM?! I cannot focus on anything else.

This is so Emily in Paris Pierre Cadault meta and if you don’t understand that reference then you’ve OBVIOUSLY never been to Paris. Like LC. BAM BAM, double stupid show reference. I’m FIRING ON ALL CYLINDERS.

This one grew on me. It’s like a mother and daughter Peaches and cream duo. I like the contrast of the fur and silk togets. Well done for Mommy & Me!

We get it, Maude, you’re skinny.

Ahh, the ole butt bow. Tried and true every major red carpet event has to have one.

If this were a standalone look I’d genuinely wonder if this was a Michael Jackson tribute instead.

This is a little too on the nose for me, Doja Cat.

An effort was made here, so we accept.

I’m into this, especially that GIANT rock she’s sporting around her neck. I mean damn, girl.

Hate tweed the most. And a chain belt is literally making me puke a little in my mouth. That could be the mixture of beer, wine, gin & vodka I tossed down my gullet. But more likely, it’s the belt.

SPARKLY & SHINY & SHIMMERS!

Alright who was on wiping duty for Rita last night?

I’m weirdly into this. Maybe it’s the cocky hand in the pocket pose?

RIP MY EYEBALLS OUT OF MY SKULL BECAUSE I DO NOT WANT TO LOOK AT THIS FOR ONE MORE SECOND IT IS BEYOND HIDEOUS.

Rami looks like he’s going to the grocery store to pick up eggs.

Yup, I’m 100% all in on this. This is a moment.

Two contrasting dramatic looks b2b and I love it a lot. This pearl crown is bomb.com.

I mean he wins, right?! Like you show up to a Karl tribby with a 10 ft train in his likeness you’ve just essentially told everyone to suck it hard. Winner, winner, chicken dinner.

Yoikes this is bad.

FUN & FUNKY FRESH.

Gotta be honest, this looks cozy as hell.

No. Nope. Not happening. No sir you will not just throw on a leather trench and oversized shades and call it a day.

It’s giving boxer about to enter the ring.

We’ve got a twofer here. Weird big coat over hoop and TA-DA I’M JUST WEARING UNDIES AND A CONE YOU PUT OVER TREES YOU WANT TO PROTECT FROM SNOW! Sure babes, whatever. If not at the Met, when can you hula hoop it up in your skivs. Body looks bangin.

What a punchable face. That closed mouth smile and peace sign in a bucket hat. Pete’s just asking for a knuckle sandwich.

The way that people wait with bated breath for a RiRi appearance. Events like this were made for the Rihanna’s and Gaga’s of the world. What outlandish thing can they stunt all over the carpet. And you know what? I like it. Like I said 100 years ago when I started writing this blog, I love a couple that goes full send together. ASAP with the kilt, Rihanna with the coordinated red lip and cool Hollywood starlet shades. I’m even down with this flower bubble. And that’s it, folks. That’s a wrap on the Met. Now excuse me while I take a long winter’s nap because whipping up this blog at 10pm after a booze-filled day was basically my Jordan flu game. If you made it to the end of this blog that I will absolutely not be proof-reading, you also deserve a nap. LET IT RIP.

Red Carpet

CMT Music Awards Red Carpet 2023

The CMT Music Awards are a fan-voted awards show so it’s a popularity contest and about four A-List country stars showed up to Austin, Texas for this shindig but oooh baby that don’t stop me from rippin a red carpet! (Since there are so few to judge, we’ll just let em all hang loose in one list…if you think by eliminating a worst dressed list, I’ll spare the snarky commentary you are sorely mistaken.)

I looked at this picture first when browsing last night’s arrivals and literally checked the link to confirm this was a 2023 photo and not a throwback to a 90’s country awards show. Hot diggity damn Shania looks great for me to do a double take and wonder if it was 30 years ago. Sorry, let me clarify, this outfit is downright atrocious. But face/hair/bod is the FOUNTAIN of youth.

It’s not a country night unless Carrie trots those billion dollar legs out. Folks, these stems peeking out of her blinged out spanky pants are stealing the damn show. I can’t look anywhere else. Love the outfit, but honestly who cares what she’s wearing when you’ve got a set of gams like this and she’s known it since she strutted them onto that American Idol soundstage 18 years ago. And that’s coming from someone who knows a thing or two about hot legs. (s/o to the sun.)

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From hawt legz to this catastrophe. What a massive letdown. I think we can all safely say that Avril Lavigne trying to make ties a cool punk rock thing in the early aughts belongs firmly in the rearview. I never need to see a couple wearing matching skinny ties. In fact Gwen stepped right out of 2002 from boots with the fur, fishnets, mini skirt that barely covers her snatch and a white button down. Go home, Gwen.

Kelsea’s living her best damn life. She’s dating a babe soda, she got her mic drop moment spilling the tea on her divorce, and she’s dressing to impress. Guh ‘head gurl, get down with your bad self in your pastel corset.

Imagine being a total rocket, being married to a country superstar, and then just casually having the voice of an angel as well and hopping on a track with your husband that blows all the way up? That being said, you’re better than lilac tights and kitten heels with a rhinestone bow, Katelyn. And the gloves?! Are you Mia Thermopolis, PrinCESS of Genovia? The fame has gone straight to her head.

THE DUBS THUMBS UP. gEeEEeEk aLeRt! I don’t even hate this outfit because as I’ve mentioned about 900 times to anyone who will listen, I’m all about that beige lifestyle lately. But I cackled at those dad thumbs. Surprised he didn’t pair them with a couple of fresh white New Balances.

I absolutely need to know if Megan realizes that by posing at an angle with a leg popped, that white ameoba cutout is giving us a straight-shot view of her labia.

OH HELLO, GRANDMA! What the hell is this sack of tinsel? It looks like she tied a matching sweatshirt around her waist, except it’s actually a tablecloth instead. Don’t forget your tablecloth, Dixie, it might get chilly tonight!

Look at this little lime green popsicle! I love a coordinated Keroppi.

(That reference will only hit with the real 90’s girliepops)

I don’t just want these boots, I NEED THEM. I can’t say I love a good bloom until I have bloomin’ bootz, chaknow?! I also love that this chick knew what a statement these shitkickers are and went simple black for the rest of her outfit so they had their moment to shine. It’s country but elegant and I’m here for it.

This is the most appropriate event to rock this look at. Anywhere else you try to pull off a denim jacket/dress combo with leather boots, leather hat, velour gloves & bright red hair and you get laughed right out of the joint. But a fan-voted awards show in Austin on a seafoam green carpet? Yes, booboo. She is the moment.

I may never get over a gentleman of this size being named Jelly Roll and of course we can’t forget his bride, Bunnie XO. And honestly now that I’m taking a better look at his tatted up face, is one of those just a straight line from his hair down through his left eye? What’s the meaning behind that little ditty, I wonder. To top it all off, the prayer hands are giving real DJ Khaled vibes, BLESS UP.

I’ve been catching up on Abbott Elementary and it’s no coincidence that just before I tuned into this awards show, I watched the episode where Gregory tries to become a trendy hat guy (not for the faint of heart as I too faced ridicule when trying to elevate my hat game) and every single zinger that the other teachers lobbed at him applies to this monstrosity of a dome cover. So at the risk of this clip being removed from YouTube…watch & giggle.

The Lavender silk shirt is really giving ice dancer but I’m a sucker for Chucks and a fun jewel tones duo.

This may sound judgmental but hear me out. Are we at a Walmart in Sequoyah, Oklahoma? My jaw DROPPED at how much hick is in one photo here. It’s like they’re reenacting the Natalie Portman classic “Where the Heart Is.” Homegirl is seconds away from her water breaking in that green polka-dotted dress that looks like it was pulled out of the bottom of the hamper where it was crumpled up for weeks, then stuck in the wheel well of the pickup truck that they certainly drove to the show. And while we’re at it, why don’t we cruise on over to the mullet hanging onto that big ole belly for dear life. Is that a pearl necklace he’s sporting with ADIDAS SAMBAS?! WHAT ARE WE DOING HERE, YOU TWO?! IS THIS AN APRIL FOOLS JOKE?! This is the exact costume one might wear to a white trash bash themed college kegger. All that’s missing is mullet gripping a can of Bud heavy and rippin a butt in his other hand. My ‘lanta.

Big time fan of Russie and his lady Kailey and gotta serve up a cold hard glass of truth, I expected more from them. Don’t get me wrong, it’s no chartreuse polka dot dress and SAMBAS (still not over it). But at the same time, they’re not knocking my damn socks off either. They’re gonna have to step it up if they’re gonna make it to the big leagues. And by the big leagues, I obviously mean Best Dressed on this highly-esteemed fashion blog.

Despite a mean case of the crazy eyes (or for all who celebrate, ‘Shane from Love is Blind’ eyes) Lainey’s killin this outfit. Much like I imagine her low budget Hannah Montana accent kills a lot of boners. I’m sorry, but it had to be said. She did a lot of talking and I spent the entire time wondering if she was doing a fake twang like ole Pennsylvania native Taylor Swift used to do in her early days. It is *very* hard to listen to and I hope she shakes it off as quickly as Tay did.

Oh, honey no! No, no, no, no, NOOOOO. MAKE THIS SHEER TREND STOP FOREVER I’M SO SICK OF SEEING EVERYONE’S NUDE BODIES BEHIND A VERY UN-PRIVACY SCREEN IN THE NAME OF “FASHION.”

Oh ok, Cole showing up with some arm candy! I live for the dichotomy of a simple country boy like Cole who always wears a baseball cap and solid colors next to Princess Sparkles over here. I wonder if she’s hoppin up into his Chevy to go shootin.

Carly’s poppin that rack and that leg at the same damn time and I got hella respect for it. Why? Cause it’s subtle and sexy and I’m not staring down the barrel of her belly button, nips or lady curtains. PRAISE BE!

Red Carpet

Oscars Red Carpet 2023

We’ve arrived at the big one, that means spring is just around the corner! F that groundhog looking for his damn shadow, all we need is a 7 hour stuffy as hell broadcast with a bunch of A-list actors and a host making PC jokes to know the long winter is almost over. Unfortunately when last year’s show includes Will Smith bum-rushing the stage and bitch-slapping Chris Rock on live TV, the one that follows is gonna be tighter than a butthole. This was one of the most boring awards show ever broadcast and that includes their color choice for the carpet, which was “champagne.” It’s beige, folks. Just call it beige. Not sure why they decided to switch it up from the infamous red, but for anyone in my close circle of friends (my Twitter followers) you know that I’m currently obsessed with neutral tones and have been on an aggressive hunt to transform my entire wardrobe into exclusively Oat Milk articles of clothing, shoes, and accessories. So what I’m trying to say is that I can’t really knock a beige carpet when I just purchased a “Vanilla” sweatsuit to really commit to my NUDE era. So without further ado, all the looks from a carpet that will immediately turn brown from people traipsing all over it.

WORST

Did Florence turn her ponytail INTO micro bangs? It looks like a choice was made here and that choice was to flip her ponytail onto her forehead and superglue it there. Although I could probably spend this entire commentary discussing how that was a terrible choice, it’s important for me to also point out the bedsheet wrapped around spankypants look she’s rockin below the fringe. Nothin like rolling yourself up in a Duvet and hitting the show!

I’m never going to support a slicked back updo. ESPECIALLY from someone who has curly hair like me. Rep us curly gurlz on that champagne carpet, WHAT ARE YOU ASHAMED OF?! Yea that’s right I just took one look at this hairstyle and crafted a clickbait spin that Jenny was ashamed of her natural curls. Get on my level.

Can you imagine showing up to the biggest awards show, not being an actress, and wearing feather boas? Let’s take it down a notch, Molly. This ain’t your show, honey. Save it for the Paris catwalk.

If you’re the arm candy of Antonio Banderas at the Oscars, you’ve gotta do better than this Fabletics lookin coordinated set. I mean is she walking a red (beige) carpet or leading an at-home workout on Youtube for all of her followers? It’s even more ridiculous that Antonio is in a tux next to Barbie Burpees.

I’m not mad, I’m just disappointed in Kate. This isn’t the ugliest dress on the planet but it’s certainly not doing it for me. More importantly, it is the 20 year anniversary of How to Lose a Guy in 10 Days this year and HOW DO YOU NOT WEAR THE ICONIC YELLOW DRESS WITH THE CANARY ISADORA DIAMOND TO THE OSCARS?! I mean people would LOSE THEIR SHIT. That was a huge opportunity missed and I’ll be irrationally peeved about it for a little while. Do better next time, Andie Anderson.

This is a Free Willy nightmare. I don’t know if it’s the actual Orca fin of taffeta hanging off her back that’s making her posture so shitty or if she just knows this look sucks and is posing like the ~~Hunchback of Notre Dame~~ Humpback of the Pacific admitting defeat.

I hate this color. I hate the tie top halter and keyhole cleavage. I hate the bottom half looking like doorway streamers you buy on Amazon for decorating an Airbnb for a Bachelorette. HateHateHateDoubleHate…LOATHE ENTIRELY.

Not into the drapey fabrics style. It’s always the type of dress you trip over (because where are your feet) and also end up dragging your sleeves through the sauce on your plate or knocking over your wine glass making a real mess of things. I wanted to be a part of the poncho trend years ago when it was cool until I wore one to work and knocked my pencil cup off my desk every time I moved my arms. A lesson was learned. Just because it’s “trendy” doesn’t mean it’s practical. Also, not for nothing, but shapeless as hell.

I love following along when people get thirsty AF for male actors and then watching as they all come back down to earth and put their boners away. This should be a sobering moment for all because the guy people have been calling DADDY for weeks on Twitter is wearing suit pants that are SO long they look like JNCO jeans bagging up around his ankles. REAL Daddies wear a tailored suit.

Slicked ‘do, clown makeup and a tiny belt resting atop her labia. Need I say more?

This is a really fun color and I don’t hate a suit moment but it has to be fitted right or a flattering style. Wearing a floor length business duster ain’t it, chicky. Waist-length jacket open to the bustier underneath would’ve slapped way harder.

This triggered me. Although a MUCH classier version, all I could think of when I saw Ashley was a recent episode of Love is Blind (S3, After the Altar) where Alexis wore the below number to her birthday party, which her dad attended. I repeat, her father was at a party where she wore this:

Sure, this is an extreme comparison. But also, is it really? When are we going to stop doing see through numbers with briefs (or lack thereof) underneath? Also perhaps I just really wanted the world to set their peepers on this birthday suit a reality TV star wore for realz and felt good about. Wanna know how I know LIB isn’t matching people with their true loves or “their person” as is gagworthy repeated time after time on this show? Cause her PERSON would’ve taken one look at that atrocity of a lace stocking stretched over her tits and bits and said “go change.” Instead her man told her she looked amazing. I give the marriage 5 years tops. And that’s being generous.

Ana’s a bangpiece and I’ve seen her knock it out of the park plenty of times but tonight wasn’t one of those times. There’s something so meh about this look and I’ve never been real rah-rah for ruffles or in this case, scales. on a dress.

THE SKINNY SCARF. Guys. If those are coming back put me in the G-D ground. The worth nothing, completely uncoordinated skinny knit scarf tossed over a t-shirt HAUNTS me as much as Gaucho pants and kitten heels do. YIKES ON BIKES. Speaking of horrifying trends coming back…I found myself in a Forever 21 this weekend (don’t ask, I’m not willing to admit why a 31 year old found herself scouring a Forever 21 and also making a purchase) but my jaw was on the ground the entire time as it looked exactly like a Delia’s catalog from 1996 come to life. The spaghetti strap crop tops with stupid bedazzled phrases, smiley faces and flames. I GASPED when I saw these bad boys:

Fashion is not real.

It’s gonna be a hard no for me, bub.

Once again, WHAT DO PEOPLE FIND SEXY ABOUT THIS GUY?!

Ariana usually does something trendy and quirky and this fell flat. Plus, fabric shooting out of your butthole tail style…two thumbs down.

Lenny, you’re way too old to be going chesties out at a black tie event. Not a good enough reason to let the breeze hit your nips.

It’s giving grandma’s curtains/tablecloth/nightgown all rolled into one vibes.

Is that a bedazzled rhombus on your chest or are you just happy to see me?

Silk AND peach?! Bruh. Come on.

“I’ve got the best idea! Let’s just forget the sleeve on one side but in it’s place we’ll do a couple of one foot wide glitter flowers hanging off the dress.” – The designer of this dumpster fire gown, probably.

There’s never a circumstance where I need to know if you’ve recently gotten a bikini wax by seeing it with my own peepers for an awards show.

Say it with me now y’all, TOO MUCH FABRIC!

And in the same camp…why are we ADDING layers to the hip area?! I love the color and the bold lip but this drapey sitch is OUT.

When I first saw this I was like HELL YEA, MARLEE. Get down with your bad self. And then something that inevitably happens every time I do a red carpet blog, by the time I got back ’round to doing commentary for it I flip-flopped and suddenly hated it. She basically has the same hairstyle as Reese Witherspoon in Sweet Home Alabama and I can’t razz all over Molly Sims for her boa arms and not also throw stones at Marlee for her feather cake bottom gown. EQUALITY FOR SHITTING ALL OVER BOA FASH.

This is an MK or A witchy simplistic lewk and I expect more from E. We know your sisters dress like this at every public outing (usually baggier and with more layers) but you’re a rising star at the beginning of your career that didn’t start on straight to VHS short films with original white girl rap songs. GIVE US SOMETHING SPICY. Take a chance, boo!

Unpopular opinion but I don’t worship the ground Rihanna walks on for literally no reason. She made some catchy pop beats like 10 years ago and she seems cool and all but this Beyonce-level obsession that people have with her and thinking she is a fashion icon is a little much. I thought her super bowl outfit that had people questioning if she had a pregnancy announcement or just hadn’t pooped in a while kinda sucked and the same goes for this sheer/leather thang. Sorry…not sorry.

DID SHE TIE THE BOTTOM OF HER DRESS INTO A RAT TAIL? Get the hell out of my face with that.

A very public Kelly Ripa H8er (Rege & KLG 4 LIFE), I rolled my eyes out of my damn head when she announced that Ryan Seacrest would be leaving the show and her husband would be taking his place. I’m a firm believer that she’s a real twat and difficult to work with so it checks that she’s now choosing the one person who doesn’t get paid to tolerate her on the daily. I smelled drama with this switcheroo and I know she’s trying to get ahead of it by showing up with both like there isn’t bad blood but WE KNOW YOU KELLY. THERE’S ALWAYS SOMETHING. And that’s my unrelated bitchy rant to close out awards season. Also look how far those three clowns are standing apart. I’ve never seen a more uncomfy trio. Ok, now I’m done. Is Mark wearing a jean shirt? KByeeeeeeeee.

What an asshole move. Every time they panned to the audience and I saw this skyscraper hood levitating above her head I felt bad for everyone sitting behind her. If I was running the show and saw her roll through I’d tell her she had to sit in the nosebleeds. It’s only fair.

BEST

Love a pastel moment and we didn’t get too many of them tonight. SPRING HAS SPRUNG LITTLE CHICKADEES!

Idris lookin like a stone cold fox in that blue patterned jacket but unfortunately for us all he chose to bring Kermit the Frog as his date. There’s a reacher and a settler in every relashe and I think we’ve solidified who is who here.

I’ve come to accept that Seth exclusively wants to look like he’s going to prom and out of the many quirky pastels he’s tried to pull off in the past, this ivory and steel blue combo is his best. His wife wore a much less offensive shade of green than ole Kermie above, which was nice.

I could not be more obsessed with not only a periwinkle suit, but a periwinkle suit with pearl starburst buttons. Grey shoes would’ve been the obvious choice here instead of a chunky black loafer but I’m guessing he was somewhat trying to coordinate with his lady friend, so we’ll let it slide.

What a fun take on crop separates! Bustier top and a hot orange bottom keeping it sassy as hell.

This kid knows what’s up. Sick kicks and a sparkly jacket. I respect starting strong right out the gate. Keep up the good work, Ginger Snap.

I don’t know how Vanessa became a key player in red carpet fashion but she’s been throwing heaters for the past few years now and I accept.

God, nothing makes me smile like a finger gun pose at a black tie affair.

One of the few red numbers of the eve and she looks great!

Dubs hands on hips and some midsection lacies is fierce. WERK.

Only thing more cool guy than a shimmery silver jacket would’ve been matching bottoms but something tells me Samuel L. doesn’t need anymore street cred.

PRINCESS PINK MOMENT!

Michelle almost snagged the best dressed honor because she is an angelic beauty in this.

I can’t stand phantom sleeves attached to nothing but I need to commend Mindy for stepping outside of the box. Her show The Mindy Project featured some of the quirkiest and fun bold outfits episode after episode and then when I see Mindy on the red carpet it feels like she’s always in blacks, navy blues, and basic styles. More of this good shit, please! She looks sexy and fashionable even though her upper arms are probably cold. Seriously, what’s the point of forearm sleeves? But I digress…

HOT COUPLE ALERT. (They’d be hot even if they showed up in athleisure, but that’s why Hollywood is unfair and exists to remind us that we’re all a bunch of poor, ugly, slobs.)

Speaking of unfair, Jessica literally looks like a painting.

Let’s be real, it’s the pocket for me.

Another cut sleeve thing which really burns my biscuits but hot damn that dress fits her like a glove. You know what it is? I think the sleeves are giving me flashbacks to the fishnet cut-off girls would get from Hot Topic and slide over their pasty arms with an American Eagle graphic tee. Glad you could join me on this journey to find out why I’m personally triggered by a trend. Always a pleasure working through things with you.

A real daddy, if you will. A well deserved thirst trap.

Now that awards season is over, let’s all stop making fun of his Elvis accent. Pinky swear?

This is the unhinged part of the blog where I declare that Michelle and Jamie Lee must’ve been keeping up with The Salty Ju because I knocked them down a peg at the Globes and they stepped it UP for the Oscars. Has everything to do with me and my highly valued opinions and nothing to do with the fact that this is the biggest awards show and the final one of the season. These light sparkly gowns are flattering and goddess-like which is much more fitting of two first-time Oscar winners. Well done babes.

Another pastel princess moment for the new Princess Ariel. BTW that trailer sucked. Don’t turn an UNDERWATER move into live action. It looked fake as hell. Some things just BELONG in animation. Whoops, got a little hot under the collar about a Disney Vault Classic. Sorry bout it.

BEST LOOK OF THE NIGHT:

Honestly Cara was at every awards show this year and I don’t even know what she was in to warrant an awards season tour but also I don’t really care with a stunner like this. She crushed and she knows it. Anyone who’s still comparing this to “Angelina Jolie’s leg moment” is stuck in the past because if you’re asking me she blows big Ange outta the water. I would say more about why she’s the top contender of the evening but I can’t stop staring at that sleek gam. I’m rendered speechless by stem. Snaps for you Cara. Ya did the damn thing.

The Salty Ju

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Tag Archives: Fashion

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