Playlist, Television

Best of The OC Mix

The network execs at Pop know WTF is up because they’re only one show away from being the new Soapnet. For those of you that don’t fondly remember, Soapnet was the OG of playing teen drama reruns and now that Pop has The OC in the mix, all they need is One Tree Hill before we’re back in the game. (Since I’m a walking TV Guide, the lineup is currently 90210, Dawson’s, The OC, and That 70’s Show—which is obviously replaceable, so let’s get OTH in there stat and make my daytime TV dreams come true.) Anyway, I got distracted salivating over old shitty teen soaps, which is exactly what this playlist is about. Now that I’ve relived the good years of The OC (seasons 1-2 and like the first four episodes of 3), I needed a soundtrack revival to give me all the Cali feels again. Listen to these jams when you want to know what it feels like to live in a model home near the ocean and still just have SO MUCH DRAMA, but also, Chrismakkuh. **You’ll notice that I refuse to include the song that Marissa dies to, because that’s just in poor taste. It’s over 10 years later and it’s still TOO soon to revisit perfect Ryan Atwood carrying Marissa’s lifeless body away from his brand new graduation gift vehicle.*

Paint the Silence- South. The first song that became an ode to Ryan & Marissa, even making a guest appearance in season 3 right before she kicks the bucket. When Ryan is hiding out in the model home, Marissa (who met him one day earlier, and has a BF) shows up and is all I made you a mix tape to think of me and this song was first. It also plays during their Ferris wheel mack sesh (sigh) and again like I said, in season 3 when Marissa is a moron banging Volchuck and needs to get a little sense in her head that her and Ryan are meant to be…until she dies in a fiery car wreck.

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Title And Registration- Death Cab for Cutie. Since Seth was sarcastic and into comic books and emo AF, we came to know many bands that were staples on The OC. Death Cab is one of them, and since they’ve had many songs on throughout the years I picked this one because it reminds me of high school. And because one of my BFF’s in 9th grade had this as his MySpace song. Were we cool, OR WHAT?

If You Need The Morning- La Rocca. A little OC-OTH crossover band. Teen soap street cred for La Rocca. This one was a fun beach jam probably when there wasn’t dramz for like 3 whole minutes. Also I was watching the other day and lolerskated away when in one episode, Seth was like spring is finally here Ryan! As if California doesn’t have spring year round. Jokes on jokes.

Hide and Seek- Imogen Heap. Without fail this song will make me laugh out loud and it’s supposed to be super dramatic. But every single time, I think about how it played in the background as Kirsten drank herself silly at Cal’s funeral and how my friend and I used to dramatically reenact it in slow motion. Oh yeah, and when Marissa shot Trey of course too. Hide and Seek gets a bad rep in Orange County. Shootings & alcoholism, cause that’s what Imogen does.

The Way We Get By- Spoon. A fun little rock ditty about being a degenerate and crushing life, which can be compared to living on the beach without a care in the world and having rich parents, probably. Remembs when Ryan got Theresa preggers and she saw how much he missed the luxury life so she was like jk never mind and he went back? That has nothing to do with this song but still makes me wonder how it was ever a realistic TV plot.

Forever Young- Youth Group. Ryan and Marissa were dumb I guess and in season 3 declared they didn’t have a song. Um, if they had read this playlist they would know that Paint the Silence was their song, but whatever, so they played radio roulette and this beautiful song happened to be what they landed on. Yeah. Right. Anytime I play radio roulette I land on the Christian channel with a pastor giving a sermon. I call bullshit, but whatever, stay forever young (especially you, Marissa, RIP grl.)

Honey and the Moon- Joseph Arthur. UGH. This song and that INFAMOUS lookback. You know the one I’m talking about, when Sandy brings Ryan back to Chino because he’s 2 bad 2 tha bone, and Marissa stands on the curb and the sun is shining just so and he looks back and they have a moment. With that much sexual tension in one look it’s an actual mystery how it took those took 3 seasons to finally do the damn thing.

 

The View- Modest Mouse. Love these sassy rockers. This song doesn’t score a monumental OC moment; it’s just fun and very Seth Cohen-esque.

Insomnia- Electric President. Pretty sure Marissa broods to this song at the pier while she downs a flask as only the most popular, privileged girl in school can. To be fair, her dad was run out of town again after getting nearly beaten to death for stealing money, so I guess she deserves a strong one.

Fix You- Coldplay. Ah, back in the day I had the ripped right from TV version of this song (S/O to Limewire) and got to hear Seth stand up for his lady as Prom Queen and Ryan surprise Marissa last minute. The joys of high school prom and the biggest tearjerker song in the world. Also Julie tries to murder Caleb during this lovely high school moment in a Bam-Bam inspired bikini. Except he dies before she can get the chance. Nothing quite like hearing “lights will guide you home” mixed in with the sounds of Caleb having a heart attack and drowning in the pool. Well played.

 

Hallelujah- Jeff Buckley. Although it would’ve seemed the more obvious choice was Imogen Heap’s version (and death march) of this song, I’ve included her on this playlist twice and I decided to toss it back to the OG of Hallelujah. This plays as Seth maturely sails away from his life, I think. One time I threatened to run away because I was mad at my parents and they were like great, get out of here and see how well you do living on the streets at the ripe age of 11. Suffice to say, I stuck it out a few more years…by a few more years I mean that I’m almost 25 and they’ll quite literally never get rid of me. (insert evil laugh) So Seth running away because Ryan knocked a girl up was supes immature. Don’t let your friend’s sex life affect you that much, bro.

Speeding Cars- Imogen Heap. It felt wrong to include Hide & Seek and not show that Imogen can be uplifting sometimes too. This one’s a happy beat and plays over the gang’s graduation. Ryan’s boozehound mom is there after finally pulling her shit together just in time for her son to leave home, Marissa walks with the gang (I don’t even remember how this is possible) and as per TV high school graduation standards, only the 5 main characters are called to receive their diploma!

If You Leave-Nada Surf. Remember when they tried to make Anna a thing? You know, the female Seth competing with bombshell Summer for his heart? Well she finally gets the hint that her newsboy caps are no longer welcome in The OC and she packs her bags and moves back to wherever she came from. Good riddance.

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Your Ex-Lover Is Dead- Stars. One of the more depressing jams from the show, the men are all sad pandas over their love lives, Seth is letting Summer go to Italy with Zach and probably bang one out, Ryan is with boring clarinet-playing Lindsey (his maybe half sister a thousand times removed) ya know, cause Marissa is a lez for five minutes, and Sandy is hanging with “dead” Rebecca. Get it together, boys.           

Wonderwall- Ryan Adams. Seth and Summer are finally togets and they slow dance in his room probably with Captain Oats watching and it’s just downright adorbs. Meanwhile Marissa and Ryan are breaking up for the thousandth time or something.

Maybe I’m Amazed- Jem. In the season one finale, Ryan has properly gotten that piece of T-rash Theresa knocked up in a shady hotel room and decides to move in with her and work construction to raise the baby. Instead of, I don’t know, telling his baby mama to move into his spacious AND FREE pool house and take care of biz there. It’s super dumb but obviously not as dumb as how he casually gets let off the hook two episodes later. Either way, at Caleb and Julie’s wedding he has a goodbye slow dance with Marissa that brings a tear to my eye. She’s all, don’t go, pretend it’s not yours and he’s all, I HAVE TO. Deuces.

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I’m Shakin’- Rooney. ROONEYYY!!! YAASSSS!!! The band that Oliver PERSONALLY knows and if so, does that mean he knows Mia Thermopolis, Queen of Genovia? Just wondering. Rooney performs live at the Bait Shop (cough cough Tric) and Oliver gets the gang backstage passes. Oliver’s a cr33p who makes me irrationally angry but Luke distracts me by being the dumbest jock to ever attend a concert, playing one of the guys’ guitars backstage and tone deaf shouting I’M SHAKIN over and over again. Having Luke’s dad be gay was the greatest thing that could ever happen to him. He was gone 2 soon from the show.

Champagne Supernova- Matt Pond PA. (If you didn’t have to pee when this song started, you will now.) It may seem that I’m shipping Ryan and Marissa and forgetting all about Seth and Summer…and that’s because I am. I mean, Marissa died. She deserves her love moments to shine. Seth and Summer were solid and destined to be forever. If Seth stayed with Summer during her hairy legs phase at college, you knew those two were going to go the distance. But either way, the greatest Seth and Summer scene ever is obv when she leaves Zach at the airport and surprises Seth for a rainstorm spidey kiss. I re-watched this episode so many times that I actually got the DVD stuck in my DVD player, so props for that. #KissGoals

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Dice- Finley Quaye. Aforementioned cray cray Oliver didn’t stand a chance with Marissa on New Years Eve when Ryan rolls through at exactly midnight (after climbing a bazillion stairs, without so much as breathing heavily) for a kiss. No seriously, I walked up the stairs while on the phone the other day and my sister asked if I was having a heart attack. Anywho, as you might recall, these two were in a fight because Marissa told Ryan she loved him and he said thank you, cause he’s a boy and dumb. Wasn’t too dumb for the most romantic NYE kiss ever though. Cue the confetti.

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California- Phantom Planet. Always toss the theme song into a TV playlist, and that’s obvious.            

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JUice

Weekly JUice

Week of 2/29/16

1. The Museum of MK&A.

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Shout out to Lindsey for tipping me off to a kickstarter that funds a museum dedicated to the Olsen twins. Unfortuantely, upon further research I learned that this pitch BLOWS and I will be personally offended if anyone donates money to it. Instead of creating a 90’s utopia where everyone is required to wear bucket hats and pastel tinted shades, where you can watch unlimited “You’re Invited” movies, put anything your heart desires on a pizza and shop til you drop in the Magical Mystery Mall (did I just create Heaven or WHAT?!)…these two morons are raising money to display paintings of MK&A dodging the paps in NYC. No seriously, here are some examples…it’s BLASPHEMY.

2. Country Fire Flames.

It’s beginning to be that acceptable time of year where I don’t get downright depressed when listening to country music because it’s the dead of winter. Now that we’re getting closer around the bend to nice weather, I’m happy to bump this new jam from Jake Owen and pretend I live somewhere warm and full of southern gents.

3. Nothing is sacred. 

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High School Musical 4 is in the works because WE CAN’T JUST LEAVE WELL ENOUGH ALONE. Seriously? High School Musical worked because when it came out the Disney channel was still cool and their original movies still rocked real hard. Now, the disney channel’s leading show is a fakeout sequel of Boy Meets World that really is just about two weird and annoying 6th graders who wear heels every day to middle school. Stop ruining shit, Disney. You’ve done enough.

4. Blue Ivy Rulez, Everyone else Droolz.

Look, we can dump all over the halftime show all we want but don’t say Uncle Chris tossin Blue Ivy around didn’t just explode your ovaries, ladies. Seriously, be cuter. YOU CAN’T.

5. Fuller House Season 2 Confirmed.

I’m not going to sugarcoat it. I got Fuller House over with as fast as I possibly could. The writer who said it was the worst pilot this year wasn’t being ridiculous. It really was. What’s even funnier is that Stamos is now teasing an Olsen twins comeback for the second season. They pretty much took a dump all over the twins in several very pointed and unfunny lines of dialogue in Fuller House so what they should be hoping for is the twins’ decision not to sue them. I don’t think they’ll be returning for season 2….I encourage everyone to watch this show so I can have a compadre to make fun of it with but other than that…no. Just no.

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Bonus: Obviously it was a light week for the JUice…but on the good news side of things, The Salty Ju is currently working on expanding into the business world of the internet…and by that I mean I’m working on selling my suuuuper KEWL pop culture-y mugs for all ya’ll. So get revved up for the debut of that next week. I know, I know… how are you supposed to sleep all weekend knowing that’s coming atcha?

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Television

SB50 Recap

As always, don’t expect any sort of sports analysis here, unless you want me to discuss in detail how I wore a fictional football team jersey yesterday and made my sister take a picture of me tapping the top of her doorway so I could re-create the CLASSIC Friday Night Lights intro. Riggs was NOT in the game last night, and the Dillon Panthers did NOT win, therefore it was a snooze. Here’s some highlights and stuff…

If you closed your eyes and just listened, Lady Gaga’s national anthem killed it. If you had your eyes open, you had the unfortunate task of guessing if she was really feelin it, or if her eyes were being weighed down by 5 lbs of glitter shellac.

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I’d like to personally thank Lady G for tossing a Christina Aguilera riff in the mix, complete with jazz hands, because it made me laugh out loud.

I only know who Jerry Rice is because he made a cameo in One Tree Hill at Jimmy Jam’s birthday party one year. If he had worn these sunglasses he would’ve scared all the kids.

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I didn’t know Danny Zuko played football! Grease LIVE is so hawt right now.

REAL disappointed with the assortment of commercials last night. Last year was all about kids dying, this year was all about inanimate objects talking? Either way, sook city. ALSO WHERE THE HELL IS THE BUDWEISER CLYDESDALE AND PUP?! C’mon guys! You have ONE JOB. (Realistically they don’t and they probably didn’t need an ad at all with the real subtle plugs Peyton “I drink beer” Manning gave after the game no less than 5 times.) But anyway…

Duds:

Michelob Ultra trying to make us think that their beer is for people who’ve gone real hard at the gym and just want to hydrate themselves a little. What I took away from this commercial is that I get equally as out of breath when I walk up the stairs, so does that count as me “going the extra mile”?

Snickers is becoming more known for their celeb cameos and this one had a few, but what I can’t get down with is using holograms to bring back dead actresses. If Marilyn Monroe was going to come back via CGI you can bet she would’ve wanted it to be for something a little more scandalous than a Snickers commercial.

-Lil Wayne is still alive and he’s doing a commercial for Apartments.com to the plot of the Jeffersons. What year is it?

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-Hey look guys, Steve Harvey is in on the joke! LoL TMobile 4ever!

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-Christopher Walken closet was so under-used it wasn’t even funny. Kia really blew it by taking a classic joke and turning into a lame car commercial.

 

Nightmares:

-Let’s just toss a bunch of aliens together to represent taste testers of Mexican avocados. What do aliens and Mexicans have in common? That’ll go over smooth as guac. (Bonus points for being SO pop culture savvy with the black and blue dress & Scott Baio. No that wasn’t a typo…SCOTT.BAIO.)

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-Mountain Dew came back through with an image that I wanted immediately seared from my brain once again. Last year was a twerking dog, this year is puppy monkey baby. Isn’t it SAH CUTE? Now watch it rip your face off and twerk all over your dead corpse because it had a sip of the toxic lava that is Mtn Dew.

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-The fact that my entire family didn’t know what a Marmot was is probably telling about how much time we spend in the wilderness. My sister thought it was a squirrel. Either way, kicking it with a large furry rodent and going in for a smooch is a quick way to end up in my nightmares section.

-You know what’s kind of jarring in human form? Steven Tyler. Let’s turn him into Skittles art!!!! Then have his large candy mouth sing Dream On from the floor. At least they didn’t show his feet.

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-If the NFL was trying to paint a nice picture of cute kids singing about how they were conceived at the Super Bowl, I think they’re glossing over the deets a little here. Once upon a time, mommy was exhiled to the corner with her girlfriends to toss back wine and get ready for the halftime show, while daddy sat on the couch covered fingertip to elbow in hot sauce, shoveling wings and bud lights down his gullet while shouting at the TV. Mommy made bedroom eyes at Daddy from across the room (well Daddy thought they were bedroom eyes but really the dessert was just put out on the table behind him) and it was ON. They closed the night out with some pretty gassy sex. The end. Football IS family. At least Seal got a second chance at fame, though. Good for him.

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Kinda Funny:

Hyundai is repping their new whip where you can literally tell it to start and it does (whoa, technology) which allows some teens to narrowly escape a couple of bears. One bear just wanted to check out their ride, but it turns out the other actually wanted to eat them, cause it was his cheat day from a vegetarian diet. Hey Bear #2, same. I was ONLY cheating last night. DEFINITELY not all weekend.

-Hyundai must’ve really had their A team on the case this year because they also imagined a town full of Ryan Reynolds to the soundtrack of “What a Man” and I couldn’t have dreamed of anything better to be honest.

Doritos kills it just about every year and they were pretty much the top dogs of this year. Their first ad was a live look at me when I was still in my mom’s belly jonesin for a cheesy snack. The second one was about dogs trying to get their hands on some ‘ritos and I can always get down with a dog commercial. (Unless they’ve combined dog body parts with human and monkey body parts.)

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-Prius shows us that their cars can be driven by hawt-ass criminals and not just environmentally conscious dads who wear hemp shoes. They pretty much nailed how the world reacts to quirky stories with “The Prius 4” taking the media world by storm. I thought we were watching a real show when they asked a random girl which one she thought was the hottest. It’s sad because it’s true.

-It’s embarrassing when a commercial where the premise is the Shock Top orange boom-roasting a comedian ends up on the funny list but I actually cracked a laugh or two at this. Rough collection last night.

-Amy Schumer 4 Pres though. We can get rid of Seth probably. I’ll be VP of Bud Light because I basically already am judging by the amount of Bud Lattes I splashed down my throat Saturday afternoon. I’d 100% vote for the Bud Light Party over Donald Trump. Jus sayin.

-Honda gives us a nice pack of harmonizing goats singing “Somebody to Love” and I continue my quest to get to the bottom of HOW they make animals mouths move like that?! Seriously, I understand that I graduated in video production but like HOW DO ANIMALS TALK ON TV?!

-Drake entertaining a bunch of cellphone company squares as they shoot him suggestions for the Hotline Bling video was pretty great. The fact that it was T-Mobile was even funnier. It’s so adorbs how hard they’re trying to still be a thing.

 

HALFTIME SHOW (SPONSORED BY PEPSI IN CASE YOU FORGOT):

Sneaky start for Coldplay as they gave us a taste of Fix You before bursting into Viva La Vida. I could’ve done with more of Fix You, if we’re being honest. My high school obsession with that song where I would drive around and have all the feels really could’ve come out to play there. ANYWAY, Viva goes into Paradise and then their new number. (And I’m pretty sure that’s it for Coldplay songs…like they could’ve smashed out a medley of their greatest hits and they did like three songs. Yikes.)

There’s a whole lot of kids, which is something I never signed up for. I’d prefer to see Janet’s nip again than see a bunch of teenie boppers jump awkwardly onstage or play the viola.

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The décor for the evening was psychedelic chic apparently, as an array of colors were thrown up onto the field and all over the stage for a very San Fran hippie feel. The theme for the vocals was “out of tune.” I was under the false notion that every halftime performer had to lip sync. It was VERY clear that Chris Martin was not on that train. His voice sucked, but hand claps to the light up heart in his pocket and rainbow safety pins clasping his pants togetha for being supes kewl.

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Suddenly Chris is kicked off his own stage to make room for DJ Jazzy Mark Ronson to spin a 2-year-old song and Bruno to sashay around with a leather gang and halfheartedly lip sync it. I commend Bruno for surrounding himself with child dancers his own height so he doesn’t get a Napoleon complex.

Super Bowl Football

Beyonce marches onto the field in a onesie and is like okay, enough, enough, Bruno and performs hot off the presses “Formation.” She gives the internet a new treasure trove of weird face gifs.

It would be wrong of me not to declare that as a part of the beyhive, this performance was prrrrrettty rough. It probably didn’t help that I was in a room full of Beyonce-haters. There were cheers as she almost toppled and I nearly covered my eyes. B, act like you’ve dropped it down low before.

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I’m assuming she almost ate it because she’s a little more top-heavy lately (aren’t we all?)…might have something to do with her carrying hot sauce in her purse but that’s neither here nor there.

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While Coldplay is still nowhere to be found at a show they probably payed millions to play, B and B have a dance rumble where Beyonce towered over Bruno and easily could’ve hip checked him off the stage and then Chris was like hey guys, remember me?

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All three sang while a montage of performances past was shown and WHOSE HALFTIME SHOW IS THIS?! Once we’re done watching everyone else’s epic performance, the three take the stage with a bunch of local high school girls itching for their 15 minutes of fame and tossing their hair real hard to pretend they also have a personal fan pointed on them. Bruno blends right in with the kids, in fact I almost lost him onstage for a minute. AND THAT’S IT.

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Oh yeah, and Beyonce apparently announced a world tour and even though I missed it, my dad assured me it was flashing across a message board wrapped around her thigh. (Note to self: never let the men in my family see my 3x as thunderous thighs.)

I’m just spitballing here but wouldn’t it have made the most sense for Beyonce and Chris to sing the duet THEY JUST RELEASED? Eh, whatever. Hey Chris, you tried.

Winners: Peyton Manning’s bank account as he cha-chinged his way through the post-game with talk of how he’s just a regular joe who likes pizza and beer. He just wants to kiss his wife and kids, but first he wants to lay one on Papa John, his business partner who he also kisses apparently. After the game he’s gonnna drink a whole lot of beers, but not just any ole beer. BUDWEISER. WINK.

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Anabelle Bowlen. I wonder if her and Pat like to talk and not talk for hours.

The Real Winners of last night:

#superbowl50 jacket game

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JUice

Weekly JUice

Week of 1/4/16

HEY GUYS. Welcome to 2016. I took two weeks off from the JUice to properly shove Christmas cookies down my gullet and lay around in my PJs. ‘Cause that’s what the holidays are all about. You know what the holidays are NOT about? Having your family fat shame you and then suggest a weight loss competition. Thanks for ruining Christmas, G Family. Anyway, we’re back and better than ever exactly the same. New year, same Salty, yo.

1. Barstool is taking over the world, as they should.

I’ve been reading Barstool Sports since I was in high school (shout out to the bro-in-law for introducing me to the smut world at a young age)…and now I’m old. So it was pretty cool to see that this website and these bloggers that I’ve been fangirling over for so many years have taken steps to become a massive national brand. I didn’t know what blogging even was before Barstool, so ifso factso, they invented blogging. They’ve essentially been my source for news for the past 7 or 8 years, and I’m not even a little bit embarrassed to admit it. I can’t wait to see what they’ll do with an HQ in NYC and many more resources. But most of all I’m anticipating what will happen when they end up merely blocks away from Buzzfeed.

 

2. Yeah? Yeah.

Unless you’re living under a rock, you know that Making a Murderer quickly became that new hot shit over the holidays for Netflix binges. Although it’s not for everyone (there’s reading involved), I would highly recommend it not just for the juicy police corruption content–but more importantly for the accents and midwestern culture. I literally felt like Wisconsin was on another planet as I watched this–courtesy of my sister’s Netflix account because I am nothing if not a Grade A mooch. (Thanks Lexi) There’s nothing worse than having show FOMO. Start watching so we can LoL about Brendan Dassey giving a written criminal confession with the word “bombfire” in it togets.

3. Magic Mike 3 is a must-see. 

I’m kind of torn now. Do I like Channing’s original pony dance? Or do I like his wife reenacting it and forcing a lap dance on him where she pretends she has a big dick that she’s aggressively swinging at his face? I don’t know what to think. All I know is that was entertainment. Certainly triple makes up for Channing doing “Let it Go” and ruining my life forever. I can’t even see the screengrab of him as Elsa without getting it stuck in my head. HOW IS THAT POSSIBLE?! WHEN WILL FROZEN DIE AWAY FROM ME FOREVER? PS nothing is more obvious that Lip Sync Battle has absolutely nothing to do with lip syncing anymore than having two professional dancers on the season premiere. Double PS: need a new host, stat.

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4. Fuller House is a real tease.

These new pics were released because Netflix is going to milk the shit out of owning the Full House comeback. As they should. What have we learned from these stills that we don’t already know? Kimmy’s style has evolved from a light up dress and neon socks to cat cardigans from Urban Outfitters. Steph dresses like a hooch. And DJ looks like a kewl mom. And of course, good to see that they couldn’t buy a bigger couch to fit the rest of the fam on when they come to visit probably every day. Actually, now that I think about it, I wouldn’t be surprised at all if Danny lives in the attic apt and Joey still lives in the basement. Jesse and Becky have a mansion elsewhere, obviously. They’ve served their time sleeping on a bed that folds up to the wall.

5. Queen B usurps her Halftime Throne. 

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It has been confirmed that Bey will grace us unworthy ones with her presence at the SuperBowl halftime show with Coldplay. I don’t think I need to remind anyone how epic her halftime show was in 2013. As if we didn’t already know how big of a deal Beyonce is, they somehow got her to appear during Channing’s “lip sync” of Who Run the World for .2 seconds, flip her hair, do one booty shake and abruptly leave. That’s how little Spike TV can afford Queen B. So you can imagine what it might cost for her to casj drop by the SuperBowl. Anyway, I’m officially excited for this year’s halftime show…I will be 1000% less excited if the rumors that Bruno Mars is also popping in are true. Don’t ruin a good thing.

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JUice

Weekly JUice

Week of 11/30/15

1. British Invasion SuperBowl.

Before the news broke that Coldplay would be doing the halftime show this year, they released a song with Queen B (Listen Here.) Now that I think about it he was probably buttering up the Beyhive (all of America) so we would be more accepting to the halftime show news. Look, if I can’t have Taylor Swift (and we all know she deserves a halftime gig) then I will settle for Coldplay. They’re good shit and as long as they don’t allow gorillas to dance around the stage, I accept.

2. Sandra’s New Nugget.

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Sandy adopted a little girl named Laila and now she’s got two kids and a silver fox boyfriend so like obviously her life is fabulous. I actually don’t have much to say about this gossip because I don’t love children a whole lot but I’m just happy that Sandra is winning life after all that drama with her dirt ex-husband. People don’t forget, Jesse.

3. MK Gets Married.

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Last weekend Mary Kate Olsen married bro of French pres, Olivier Sarkozy, who’s pretty old. I’m obviously going to need a little time to cope as 1/2 of my childhood twin idols married a French geezer and had bowls of cigarettes at her wedding. When did it all go wrong? Also lolz to the fact that I’m assuming this is Olivier’s child pictured below and MK is the same height/looks like she’s the same age–the only way you can tell them apart is the way that MK is clutching onto that cigg with a death grip.

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Here’s to many more years of creepy pictures and dark cloaks that smell like stale smoke, you two! (I assume that’s almost exactly what was given for a toast…it’s like an enchanting nursery rhyme)

"In the blink of an eye." Congrats MK. X

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4. Princess Charlotte is precious.

Because we’re all so obsessed with the Royal fam, they were like I guess we’ll throw those trash Americans a bone and released new pics of Charlotte around Thanksgiving. She is quite literally the second most beautiful baby I’ve ever seen. (First born George takes the W, obv.) If Will & Kate had a Facebook I don’t even think I’d hate it if they posted a daily photo of their kids like I do when everyone on social media whose ever birthed a child does. THAT’S how perfect their babies are. Highest compliment I could probably ever give.

5. Harry gets Tatted on TV.

1D goes on the Late Late show to play Tattoo Roulette and obviously they make it REAL dramats trying to make you think that it’s possible James or tat-free Niall might have to get inked. Realistically you know from the start it’s going to be Harry because he gives 0.0 F’s and has a trillion tattoos already. Yet it was still pretty entertaining to watch.

Also leave it to James to have Billy Crystal just chillin and get a member of 1D to sit on his lap:

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Music, Television, Uncategorized

AMA’s 2015 Recap

I gave this show a LOT of shit last year because Pitbull, obviously. Fortunately for everyone, Mr. Worldwide must’ve had prior commitments to wear white capris elsewhere and didn’t even show last night. (Along with Taylor Swift, Calvin Harris, Miranda Lambert, JT, Beyonce…etc. But whose really keeping track?)  No but actually, it appears the only attendees of last night’s awards show were fans who paid thousands of dollars to go, and the handful of winners/performers. I still found ways to laugh at the 10 celebs that were there though…so let’s dive in.

No, Thank You:

-The intro begins with JLo ruining Waiting For Tonight by singing a slowed down, sexed up version in a furry Navajo jacket surrounded by offensively dressed Indians(?) Then she declares it’s not about her (or the decision to wear these costumes) and shakes dat ass with the Redskins to a medley of nominated songs. At one point the furs are shed and what’s left is a bunch of nude body suits with target tattoos located on the dancers’ vaginas. You know, real classy stuff. THIS LASTED 8 MINUTES.

-Prince doesn’t go anywhere without his axe. Or his third eye.

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-If I wanted to see fans sing the wrong words at a concert, I’d go to one. Celebs were sitting like 20 rows back and the audience cam continuously panned to boring strangers. Tay and the seat dancing squad was SORELY missed. (Hailee Steinfeld tried to pick up the slack and came up real short.)

-Selena looked FAB during her performance, unfortunately I can’t say the same for her vocals. Or her backup dancers who looked like knockoff Magic Mikes with Aladdin pants.

selenaperformance

 

-Hey you know that shitty song that turned a singer into a verb for doing it? Well Charlie Puth sang it terribly then Marvin Gayed Meghan Trainor onstage and we all had to watch uncomfortably while they got it on.

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-FGL can’t go anywhere without wearing something outrageous and last night didn’t disappoint. The pilgrim hat meets the fivehead. Seriously though, it’s in Tyler’s best interest to start styling his receding hairline differently.

FGL

-There was a real extreme close-up of Nick Jonas’s mouth while he was singing and it was disappointing to learn that he has barf.com teeth, therefore taking him down a peg or two on the hot scale. Mouth closed, shirt off from now on, pls.

-Coldplay + DANCING GORILLAS. Hey, guys, you sing soulful power melodies…you’re not the Grateful Dead tripping acid onstage. Stop scarin us.

coldplay

-JLo progressively gets more and more naked as the night goes on and after seeing this number below, I predicted that she would close out the show in pasties.

jlosheer

-Even though Karen Fairchild was wearing F. Me boots, it didn’t distract me enough from the GARBAGE song she sang with Luke Bryan that was essentially the country version of “Lemme Take a Selfie”

karenfairchild

 

-The HIGHLY ANTICIPATED Clueless reunion was really just Alicia Silverstone and Jeremy Sisto introducing Gwen Stefani. Way to really oversell that one.

clueless

Yes, Please:

-1D’s array of mid-show fashion. Liam’s red vest. Niall’s lace shirt. HARRY’S flower bolo, flared leisure suit and SPARKLE BOOTS.

1D

-Stars they’re just like us! JLo has the greasiest of hair after her 8 minutes of dancing in culturally insensitive garb to the point where they definitely were forced to wash her hair during a commercial break.

jlorobe

-Frankie Grande was like Ariana who? and made himself the centerpiece of the show from the third row. He was closer to the stage than any celebrity and he made sure we all knew it. He dances in the aisle, bops around and at one point when the camera pans to Nonna Grande, Frankie jumps right in front of her. Nona doesn’t deserve fame like Frankie does.

frankie grnade

-R.I.P Meek Mill. He was being DESTROYED on social media all night and then Nicki went and thanked Drake before him in her acceptance speech. Bye, Meek.

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-Nick Jonas changes things up with a church choir singing Jealous (and a lickworthy drum solo).

-While Macklemore did some slam poetry about medicine next to a guy with the skinniest tie I’ve ever seen, the audience was preetttyy unsure of how to groove, resulting in the funniest new dance move of the night: white guy jazz hands.

mack

-Alanis has still got it 20 years later! Shit. Demi and her teamed up to growl about Dave Coulier and it was fabulous. Alanis hasn’t missed a beat since the 90’s.

alanisdemi

-Celine sings a tribute to Paris in a beautiful gown. Not to take anything away from the lovely performance but I miss Celine. A lot. And I’d like to petition for her to perform “It’s All Coming Back To Me Now” at the next awards show because I know it would be electric. All in favor say “I finished crying in the instant that you left.”

celine

-I hate Bieber with the fire of a thousand suns but I know when it’s time to respect the fact that it’s his world and he knows it. He did “Sorry” splash waterfalls style and literally lip-synced right in everyone’s grillpiece in wet jeans that I can only assume resulted in chafing.

biebs

 

Winners:

Soul/R&B Album- The Weeknd

Pop/Rock Duo or Group- One Direction

Country Male- Luke Bryan

Soundtrack- Pitch Perfect 2

R&B/Hip-Hop Album- Nicki Minaj “The Pinkprint”

New Artist of the Year- Sam Hunt

Pop/Rock Female- Ariana Grande

Country Female- Carrie Underwood

Collaboration of the Year- Justin Bieber Skrillex & Diplo

Alternative Artist- Fallout Boy

Rap/Hip-Hop Artist- Nicki Minaj

Soul/ R&B Male- The Weeknd

Artist of the Year- One Direction

 

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