Red Carpet

Grammys Red Carpet 2019

It’s never a good sign when you see ads for the Grammys and the only performers you actually like are the host and Lady Gaga. The rest was a real disaster. As I once had to declare that I’m too old for the VMA’s, I guess I’ve now aged out of the Grammys too. Never thought I’d see the day. Never too old to get up all on that red carpet thooooo, so here we go.

WORST

61st Annual GRAMMY Awards - Arrivals

Lotta ladies going wild with the textures tonight and I’m not down with this pink ‘splosion.

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Cardi, or as my boyfriend lovingly refers to her as the seagull sounding buffoon, is clearly on this planet to raise eyebrows and make a scene. Job well done. But you look like an idiot. Also it’s laugh out loud funny that she wears a giant oyster costume and then opts for a nude strapless bra underneath. Just commit and go full seashell, Arielle style, or something equally as loud.

61st Annual Grammy Awards, Arrivals, Los Angeles, USA - 10 Feb 2019

Charlie Puth may or may not flash us his goods in this trench coat full suit.

61st Annual Grammy Awards, Arrivals, Los Angeles, USA - 10 Feb 2019

Heidi out here treating the red carpet like the VS Fashion Show.

61st Annual Grammy Awards, Arrivals, Los Angeles, USA - 10 Feb 2019

A triangle on your bod and a square on your head.

61st Annual GRAMMY Awards - Arrivals

Look no further than my roasting of Pharrell’s Elmer Fudd hat at the Grammys in 2014, or LL Cool J’s Kangol at every Grammys ever, to know that I hate a hat statement at an awards show. This is so ridiculous and stupid. I get it, you’re JLo, but no.

61st Annual Grammy Awards, Arrivals, Los Angeles, USA - 10 Feb 2019

Holy Barf. This is like Anna Kendrick’s dress on steroids and with some silver boobs. What was the end goal with this dress?

61st Annual Grammy Awards, Arrivals, Los Angeles, USA - 10 Feb 2019

Oh, ok MJ.

61st Annual Grammy Awards, Arrivals, Los Angeles, USA - 10 Feb 2019

SHERIFF ARTS N KRAFTS, YAY!

61st Annual GRAMMY Awards - Red Carpet

If this didn’t have a chest fan I’d like it, but it does, so here it lies.

61st Annual GRAMMY Awards - Arrivals

If you’re gonna make a big stink about how no one will dress you for the Grammys because you’re a size 8, which I find VERY hard to believe because if this is the case then why is Chrissy Metz on every G-D red carpet ever, then WHY would you choose the BIGGEST, WIDEST dress on this earth to prove your point? A size 8 isn’t big…if it is then call me obese…so just wear a bangin dress and show off your assets. Make the designers look dumb AF. Immersing yourself in taffeta was the wrong play here, Bebe. WRONG PLAY.

61st Annual Grammy Awards, Arrivals, Los Angeles, USA - 10 Feb 2019

AT THIS POINT JUST WALK THE RED CARPET IN THE NUDE. TU, NEXT.

 

BEST

61st Annual Grammy Awards, Arrivals, Los Angeles, USA - 10 Feb 2019

I like this dress for myself, so complete biased judgment here but she looks gr8.

61st Annual Grammy Awards, Arrivals, Los Angeles, USA - 10 Feb 2019

I feel like Alicia Keys sneaks under the radar a lot but as I’m watching this show I’m remembering how she’s a total badass who can let it rip like nobody’s biz. She also has the most soothing voice on earth. AND she can play two pianos at once. What a baws.

61st Annual Grammy Awards, Arrivals, Los Angeles, USA - 10 Feb 2019

WHEN DID ASHANTI GET CLASSY?! Claps for you, boo. Don’t need to show the goods to get Ja’s attention. Just need a million dollar idea on Pablo Escobar’s island. ZING.

61st Annual Grammy Awards, Arrivals, Los Angeles, USA - 10 Feb 2019

Y’all know how hard I’ve been vibin jumpsuits lately and this one has sparkles, so sold.

61st Annual Grammy Awards, Arrivals, Los Angeles, USA - 10 Feb 2019

I like the pink, I like the glitz and I like that Camila didn’t treat us to a view of her areolas.

61st Annual GRAMMY Awards - Arrivals

YaaAAaAasssssss

61st Annual GRAMMY Awards - Red Carpet

These two literally swapped hair dos and it makes me giggle a lot.

61st Annual GRAMMY Awards - Arrivals

This is a pretty and tasteful way to do flesh tones. Red lip seals the deal, otherwise she’s head to toe one color basically.

61st Annual Grammy Awards, Arrivals, Los Angeles, USA - 10 Feb 2019

Shawn looks like a wax statue but suit is on point.

61st Annual Grammy Awards, Arrivals, Los Angeles, USA - 10 Feb 2019

Miley’s so pretty when she doesn’t have a buzzcut and her bits on display. Well, fully on display.

61st Annual Grammy Awards, Arrivals, Los Angeles, USA - 10 Feb 2019

Hair/Makeup not great but the dress is lovely.

61st Annual Grammy Awards, Arrivals, Los Angeles, USA - 10 Feb 2019

Post Malone has worn me down. His tattooed ass face and weird cowboy outfits have numbed me. This is the best one I’ve seen yet. I like pink and I like stars, thus, you win this round, cowpoke.

61st Annual GRAMMY Awards - Arrivals

Yo, real talk, where the hell has Tori Kelly been? I need her to wail onstage REAL soon.

61st Annual Grammy Awards, Arrivals, Los Angeles, USA - 10 Feb 2019

OooOhh stripey, me likey.

FAVE LOOK OF THE NIGHT:

61st Annual GRAMMY Awards - Arrivals

I’ve seen Gaga out here all awards season being so classy and trying not to let her meat dress wearin weirdness out because she’s being honored for a serious acting role. And I’d like to acknowledge that. She’s been looking like a dime piece and this has been my favorite look of hers so far. I have hair envy of those casual beach waves. AND on top of her red carpet look, she wore a sassy glitter jumpsuit (with matching eyeliner) for her performance. Writhing & scary face at the end aside, she’s really pulled out all the stops at the Grammys and I’m excited to see what she debuts at the Oscars. YOU GO, GURL!

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JUice

Weekly JUice

Week of 2/4/19

1. Biebz Waited for Marriage.

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The “Newlyweds” who got married in a court house and can’t seem to set a date for their party with all of their squad to celebrate, got a nice lil Vogue spread divulging some juicy deets and a whole lot of matching outfits. Shot by Annie Leibovitz (Classic), here’s a bunch of pictures of the two of them being young and famous and tattooed in matching separates.

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In addition to these lovely pics, the interview revealed that JB went celibate prior to getting engaged, to feel closer to his homie, God, and to figure out some shit because he was poppin xannie’s & banging strange for quite a while. Long story short, they got married at a court house five minutes after they got engaged because they were “waiting until marriage” to have sex. Which is laugh out loud funny. No one even knew they were dating, he was back on that Selena grind for a while then suddenly he’s engaged and gets married because he needs that good good (sober, hopefully.) But seriously though, this is a real quote from JB himself, “[God] doesn’t ask us not to have sex for him because he wants rules and stuff…” Spoken like a true poet. He believes God rewarded him with Hailey after he stopped slutting it up. Other revelations: church brought them back together (in case that wasn’t clear already), he calls her his baby boo, oh, and … “The thing is, marriage is very hard,” says Hailey. “That is the sentence you should lead with. It’s really effing hard.” GUD LUCK GUYZ!!! KByyyyyeeeeEeeeEeeeEe.

(If you want to read the full interview and find out about how Haley and JB were “homies” at first plus hear the deets on Justin’s Britney-esque meltdown, click HERE!)

2. J.Law is Engaged.

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Hollywood’s favorite relatable goofy chick has apparently gotten engaged and I didn’t even know she was dating anyone. Last I heard she was banging her director twice her age and it was feeling a little creepy, even if it wasn’t #MeToo era. Her engagement was such a shock, in fact, that when the boyf tried to scoop us on the celeb news, we berated him that it wasn’t People.com official yet. Well, it became People official and literally no one knows who this jabroni is. His name is Cooke, he’s a BFD in the art world and they’ve been dating like 6 months. It’s almost like none of these celebrities read my blog because if they did, they’d see THAT THESE IMMEDIATE ENGAGEMENTS WILL NOT LAST. AM I SCReAmING inTO A VOID?! DID ANYONE LEARN ANYTHING FROM PETE & ARI?!

3. Everyone Hates the Grammys This Year.

Speaking of Ari, she’s not going to be in attendance at the Grammys this year because the producers did her dirty. And then lied about it. So she’s thank u, nexting the Grammys. SUPER dumb move by the producers here because she released two albums in one year of nothin but the hitz and also created my favorite phrase to annoy my boyfriend with when I want him to stop talking about something. Doesn’t get much bigger than that. And now we can’t even see her do a sassy live performance. ON TOP of that, Taylor isn’t coming either. And was nominated for like 1 Grammy and it’s not even Album of the Year. Did anyone hear Reputation? DID THEY NOT SEE THAT SHE’S BACK AND SHE’S A BADD BITCH NOW?! I mean honestly, the snub alone is enough to make me not want to watch. And now I learn that no one is coming OR performing. The Grammys better woo me back QUICK or I’m boycotting. (Red Carpet will still be posted promptly at 9am the next morning.)

4. The Gays Love Each Other Too.

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It’s finally time for a gay rom com! I feel weird about the fact that it’s 2019 and this is now just happening. Either way, Billy Eichner has been tapped as the lead and Judd Apatow will produce, so you know it’ll be entertaining AND disgusting. I feel like my sister and I willed this into existence because just last weekend we were talking about how Jonathan Bennett (Aaron Samuels) is the lead in basically every Hally or Lifetime flick and we have a hard time believing in the love story every single time because he’s flamingly gay. We were really rooting for him to get his own gay rom com on Hallmark, but this works too. You’re welcome, everyone.

5. Party of Five Reboot, Deportation Style.

NIKO GUARDADO, BRANDON LARRACUENTE, ELLE PARIS LEGASPI, EMILY TOSTA

My first year out of college, instead of looking for an apartment or like creating my own adulthood independence, I lived at home with my parents and watched the entire series of Party of Five bootleg style on my laptop in my bedroom with the door closed. I basically regressed to being 13. To the point where my mom gently suggested to me to join a gym and try and make some friends. And I probably replied, The Salingers ARE MY FRIENDS, MOM. GAWD. Because they were. I binged this series in a few months and pretended it was still the 90’s. So naturally, when I saw a clickbait headline about them bringing it back I nearly slobbered all over my keyboard to get to it. WHAT a letdown. This is not a reboot or a reunion. I won’t get to see my old pals Charlie, Bailey, Julia, Claudia and Owen as adults. Instead, it’s a Freeform series that’s about a family of five children whose parents get deported. WUT. How is that the same as your parents dying in a car crash tho? Mr. and Mrs. Salinger are ROLLING in their grave at this association. Don’t ride on Po5’s coattails. Just say you have a new show without bringing visions of an age-defying Scott Wolf coming back into my life.

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Play us out…

 

BONUS: Just for laughs…

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Not included in the headline but important to point out, she’s also never seen him or facetimed with him. Love story for the ages. Or for next season on Catfish. Either way, either way’s fine.

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Music, Red Carpet, Television

Grammys Red Carpet 2018

I gotta be straight up with you. I have a very hard time watching any music awards show that doesn’t feature the big three. Not the Pearson triplets, JT, Bey & Tay of course. Even Ed made the Grammy cutoff and got snubbed REAL hard with no big noms. That’s not the kind of world I want to live in and it was a struggle for me to get excited about this year’s show, which obviously didn’t live up to the hype. Besides Blue calming her parents down, it was a can miss event. Unfortunately same goes for the red carpet. Time to start prepping for the real showdown, Man of the Woods vs Reputation…2019.

WORST

60th Annual GRAMMY Awards - Arrivals

Stop it right now, Giuliana. Act your age.

60th Annual GRAMMY Awards - Red Carpet

Coincidence grouped these two stringy looks together. It ain’t doing it for me.

60th Annual GRAMMY Awards - Arrivals

Mustard AND velvet. TWO thumbs down.

60th Annual GRAMMY Awards - Red Carpet

Clearly Jenny McCarthy was feeling irrelevant and thought a blue wig, early 2000’s rose-tinted bedazzled shades and black sheer gloves would solve that problem.

60th Annual GRAMMY Awards - Red Carpet

what.

60th Annual GRAMMY Awards - Red Carpet

Camila looks like she’s going to prom and this is only 60% of me being bitter about a singer who made a song with sounds that rhyme with Havana.

60th Annual GRAMMY Awards - Arrivals

I had these exact pants when I was in 8th grade and wore them on Easter with black flats and a baby blue shrug cardigan (with a mouth full of braces) so no I will not support this look at the Grammy’s, no matter how much you try to sex it up, Anna.

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Why are purple shiny boots ever necessary?

60th Annual GRAMMY Awards - Arrivals

Kesha’s hair looks great but this western unisex look she’s been workshopping the past few years is killing me.

60th Annual GRAMMY Awards - Red Carpet

Woof city: population Joey.

60th Annual GRAMMY Awards - Arrivals

I commend Chrissy for being this pregnant and still wearing heels like that. My balloon ass feet would not look good in those and I’m not carrying another human. The dress sucks though. Saarrryyy.

60th Annual GRAMMY Awards - Red Carpet

What was the inspo behind this outfit? 1980’s news reporter gone bad gurl?

60th Annual GRAMMY Awards - Red Carpet

HEIDI WE GET IT. YOU ARE A MODEL WITH A SLAMMIN BOD. WEAR SOMETHING OTHER THAN LINGERIE ON THE RED CARPET.

60th Annual GRAMMY Awards - Red Carpet

I love Pink and her daughter and I feel personally victimized by this dress choice.

60th Annual GRAMMY Awards - Arrivals

Same name or not I can’t get behind someone with crystal butterflies adorning their gown.

60th Annual GRAMMY Awards - Red Carpet

The Cardi B tooth fairy in the building.

BEST

60th Annual GRAMMY Awards - Arrivals

This is the most flattering dress I’ve ever seen and I want it. Talk about an hourglass fig!

60th Annual GRAMMY Awards - Arrivals

Ryan throwing some mad hipster vibes.

60th Annual GRAMMY Awards - Arrivals

Always love when Gaga goes class act instead of shock value.

60th Annual GRAMMY Awards - Arrivals

This year’s host looking like a dapper Dan.

60th Annual GRAMMY Awards - Red Carpet

I’m never not going to gush over Lauren and Thomas is wearing fur loafers sooo he wins.

60th Annual GRAMMY Awards - Red Carpet

I don’t love or hate this dress but it was really a struggle here for rounding up a best dressed list.

60th Annual GRAMMY Awards - Red Carpet

Let’s politely ignore the fact that Ashanti’s nipples are loudly on display and just admire the golden beauty of this princess dress.

60th Annual GRAMMY Awards - Red Carpet

Nick clearly left his dinner date in Hell’s Kitchen to roll over to the Grammy’s but I don’t even hate it because he looks fine as hell.

60th Annual GRAMMY Awards - Red Carpet

I don’t really know what’s going on with this neck shoulder thing but Miley redeemed herself with a lovely pink gown for her performance as she further proves my theory that she’s back to dressing classy ever since Liam da Gawd took her trash ass back.

60th Annual GRAMMY Awards - Red Carpet

I respect this F it outfit for someone whose a brand new artist at the Grammys. Oh I’m nominated for my first grammy? Watch me wear sneaks and a white tee to go snag it.

60th Annual GRAMMY Awards - Arrivals

FIRE FLAMES PINK SUIT.

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Music, Television

Grammys 2017 Recap

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Since I can’t go like five minutes without voicing my opinion, I’ve decided to round up a quick recap of last night’s Grammys. Why? Because if I have to sit through 15 hours of television, I reserve the right to dissect every single thing that happened as if I am an expert on all things awards shows.  So in no particular order, here are the top five things that happened last night when I turned 35 watching a bunch of celebrities sing on TV.

1. I’m on Hiatus from the Hive.

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Just like every other basic bitch in America, I love Beyonce. She’s super rich, puts out bangers, and kind of scares me a little bit. Well, I’m also real enough to admit when she’s doing too much. Telling her husband to suck on her balls and stop cheating on her via song? Funny and cool. Wearing a gold headdress and doing an entire performance with children laughing and a recording of your own voice whispering a speech? Creepy AF. Performing her most snoozeworthy songs chopped up with her talking about women and moms while she sits like a robot on a tipping chair was enough. Even Blue was like ok, mom, wrap it up. After those weird pregnancy announcement photos I was on the fence and then everything she did at the Grammys last night tipped me over the edge. I’m using this platform to announce to you all that I’m taking a break, Ross and Rachel style, from the Beyhive. Will I be back the minute she sneezes those babies out? Obviously. But for right now I think it’s time that we see other people.

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2. John Travolta is still oblivious.

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It seems like we drag up Johnny T every year to collectively have a laugh at his expense at a major awards show. We’ve had him stroking out over Idina Menzel at the Oscars and then trying to get in on the joke the year after. Last night it was a pleasure to watch him and his diamond chainz read off of index cards because the teleprompter type isn’t big enough for his old person eyes. I want to believe that he’s self-aware and knows everything he does is weird but at the same time I know in my heart that John thinks he’s real life Danny Zuko, cool as a cucumber while all of Hollywood makes fun of him. And somehow that makes it better.

3. No Red Sox Fans in Hollywood. 

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We all knew it was coming, but I don’t think anyone expected it to be this awkward. Like Ellen’s Oscar selfie, it’s always a bigger host win if they can get as many famous people to play into a bit as possible. Unfortunately for James, I don’t think he anticipated not one single person knowing the words to Sweet Caroline. Even Neil Diamond was struggling and they were all clearly reading the lyrics off of a teleprompter. They didn’t even nail the SO GOOD, SO GOOD, SO GOOD and drunk people in a bar can crush that! It was such a trainwreck that even Blue Ivy bopped over to see what all the fuss was. Apparently she thinks that just because she was born into the Illuminati she can crash a carpool karaoke sesh and then not sing when the mic is given to her. She better learn to start hamming it up real soon or she’ll be forgotten as soon as these twins are born.

4. Rihanna likes to party. 

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We always need someone in the audience to watch and although CBS wanted it to be Keith Urban with the amount that they panned to him grooving out, the real winner was Rihanna and her booze. If I had to sit through that awards show and look entertained with cameras on me you better believe that I’m gonna be tossing back shots from a diamond flask. At one point she literally goes, I think it’s time for another shot. I almost wished I was drinking last night so that RiRi didn’t have to do shots alone. I am nothing if not a polite social drinker. Never let your friend take a solo shot, that’s my motto.

5. Adele is Queen.

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Adele snuck right up to being my favorite person at the Grammys last night. At first I was like ok, Hello is the oldest song ever I don’t need to hear it again. But then she pulled a boss move by casually stopping her George Michael trib, tossing around a couple of F bombs and declaring a redo. It makes me love her even more knowing that she has a garbage can mouth because I don’t know if you know this about me, but I too appreciate a good swear word and if world class singer Adele can pull that shit and get a standing O, THEN SO CAN I. (Mom and Dad- pls remember that the next time I accidentally swear in your presence.) Anyway, Adele then went on to win all of the awards and slobber all over Beyonce in the process. Quickest way to make sure Beyonce fans don’t instantly hate you? Declare in your acceptance speech that Beyonce should’ve won and that’s obvious. Adele is always one step ahead.

Bonus: Ed working that loop like nobody’s biz. It’s no Castle on the Hill but I accept.

 

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Red Carpet

Grammys Red Carpet 2017

Let’s start right off the bat by saying Taylor Swift did not attend this year and I was already going into this red carpet/show disappointed. Either way, not super impressed with any of the looks and forced myself to be nice for a few that I would’ve absolutely dragged through the mud on a regular night.

WORST

The 59th GRAMMY Awards - Arrivals

Looks like Girl Crush (?) hit up the McD’s ball pit pre-show.

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The most shocking thing about this outfit is that this is Bonnie McKee. I saw Bonnie open for Ryan Cabrera at my first concert sans parents. YIKES.

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We get it, Tinashe, if you wear a criss cross bra it will push your boobs up to your eyebrows. Every girl learns that trick in like 8th grade.

59th GRAMMY Awards -  Arrivals

Oh, alright. As if CeeLo doesn’t look terrifying enough as is, let’s toss a gold mask into the mix.

Halsey

Real talk how is she preventing a nip slip here? Sweet silk cargo pj’s though.

The 59th GRAMMY Awards - Red Carpet

Crazy Gaga is back and she’ll spike you with her sleeves if you talk about her bod.

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Less is more when you have actual chains cutting into your skin.

The 59th GRAMMY Awards - Arrivals

WHAT is being channeled here? Also WHY is Margaret Cho at the Grammys?

The 59th GRAMMY Awards - Red Carpet

Everything sucks about this. Sorry Celine. Sort of. (She bounced back with a much better dress for presenting)

The 59th GRAMMY Awards - Arrivals

Two completely different dresses in one.

The 59th GRAMMY Awards - Red Carpet

Designed by Miss Frizzle.

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Dear God please tell me we’re not making pink eyeshadow a thing. First Sophia, now Lea?! PINK EYE IS NOT TRENDY–ASK BOB COSTAS.

The 59th GRAMMY Awards - Arrivals

It pains me to do this but that studded jacket/silk shirt combo is so embarrassing.

59th GRAMMY Awards -  Arrivals

I like the color of this but on principle cannot put Maren on my best dressed ever since she writhed all over Keith Urban in hot pants this summer. People don’t forget, Maren.

Chance The Rapper

Chance the Rapper is really throwing some Erkel vibes.

The 59th GRAMMY Awards - Arrivals

Tori!!! No, girl.

BEST

59th GRAMMY Awards -  Red Carpet

Country’s most adorbs childhood sweethearts always kill the red carpet.

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When you no longer have to match a bunch of duds for every red carpet>>>>>>>>>

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Not always into the skinny tie but Ryan Tedder is looking fresh.

The 59th GRAMMY Awards - Red Carpet

Baller AF.

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James is WEARING that pastel.

Carrie Underwood

Her performance dress was a billion trillion times hotter. But whatevs.

59th GRAMMY Awards -  Arrivals

Royalty.

The 59th GRAMMY Awards - Red Carpet

Katherine’s boobs look good. Facts only.

The 59th GRAMMY Awards - Red Carpet

Chrissy looks MUCH better when she’s not trying to match her husband.

The 59th GRAMMY Awards - Arrivals

FIERCE.

Demi Lovato

Demi went a little too hard with the brown paint on her cleavage but otherwise looks like a bangpiece.

59th GRAMMY Awards -  Arrivals

The 59th GRAMMY Awards - Arrivals

I wanted to hate this tbh, but she’s kinda werking it, so I’ll let it slide.

FIJI Water At The 59th Annual GRAMMY Awards

Speaking of werrrkkkk

Heidi Klum

We can almost see her lady curtains but at the same time I actually drooled over her legs. So here we are.

59th GRAMMY Awards -  Arrivals

It didn’t photograph top notch, but Adele actually looked really good, and also props to her spray tanner who achieved the coveted bronzed look that is rare AF on red carpets. Plus she was overall queen of the eve, so claps for Adele and “Hello”, which now seems like its been out for no less than 10 years.

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Music, Television

Grammy’s 2016 Recap

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I’m not really sure when it was exactly that the Grammy’s turned into one giant tribute but it was so aggressive that I actually questioned if it was the Eagles playing their own songs or someone covering the Eagles in honor of Glenn. (Clearly I don’t know my classic rock bands.) They even tossed in a Lionel Richie tribute while he WATCHED front row. Hey…Lionel’s alive! And able to come onstage…let’s cool it with the memorial for his music. Anyway, here are the highs and lows of last night’s 5 hour situation.

NO:

-LL Cool J is the host and I forgot that he hosts every year and it’s the worst moment of my life realizing I have to watch that Kangol speak and probably say “knock ‘em out L, KNOCK EM OUTTTTTT.” At one point he tells everyone to hit him up on Instagram. Ok, L.

-Everyone in Taylor’s squad RSVP’ed “maybe”? The only one who showed up was Selena. What a lame turnout. Related side note: they really cut back on audience cams of Taylor dancing. What gives, CBS? (Thanks for pointing out this super embarrassing handshake of hers though…)

-Legitimate question, do you think Selena cried every time Tay won because she knows she’ll never win a Grammy with her garbage can pop hits and skanky vids? (Or was she just trying to fill the BFF and boyfriend void because apparently no one could make it?) Just wondering.

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-Turns out I didn’t know any songs by Lionel Richie but seriously how nerve-wracking is that to perform his hits with him judging in the front row? Luke stuck out like a sore thumb trying his hand at easy listening (and NOT shaking his ass), and Lionel literally had to get up there and be like k, move aside dipshits, I got this.

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-Gwen Stefani got paid a bajillion doll hairs by Target to do a “live music video” commercial where she used a lot of body doubles and didn’t fall down rollerskating SO WHAT’S THE FUN IN THAT?

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-Hamilton the musical gets a sideshow performance from NYC. I hate to sound like an uncultured a-hole, but leave the musicals for the Tony’s. I’m not down with sneaking theater into the mix like I won’t even notice. I NOTICED.

-Gaga dresses like Bowie and lets spiders crawl over her face via green screen. YAY nightmares. (PS this is totes a performance dads would like, as in my dad, because he wouldn’t let me talk trash about Gaga during the SuperBowl and also he’s old and therefore liked David Bowie.)

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– A 12 year old plays the piano while Common and the old white guy who’s at every awards show bop along awkwardly. This could have been a metaphor for the entire evening.

-Biebz Part 2 with Skrillex & Diplo was roughsicles. I commend them for kicking things up a notch with a little percussion but pitch-wise it was terrible. Even worse? We didn’t get one reaction from Selena. I will personally hitch a camera on my shoulder and film the audience next year if that’s what it takes to create a little drama at the Grammys.

-Hey guys, Johnny Depp’s in a band now with Alice Cooper and they’re tearing it up old guy style with a lot of eyeliner. It was embarrassing and weird and I could’ve done without it. #WhenDadJokesTurnIntoDadBands

-Pitbull closes out the night with Sofia Vergara dancing as a boxed taxi and Robin Thicke trying REAL hard to make a comeback. Oh and Keith Richards played guitar. DALE?! (My next door neighbor’s 6th birthday party was car themed and everyone had to wear a box car and visor around his backyard all afternoon. What’s your excuse, Sofia?)

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YES:

-Taylor opened with “Out of the Woods” and the most entertaining part was when she strutted through the crowd (catwalk style, obviously) and no one knew what to do. Clap, guys. Applaud her jazz hand theatrics.

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announcertay

Ladies & Gentlemen, please welcome to the 1989 Stage…THE GRAMMYS!

-My dad may have created “Bye Felicia” but I have diamonds!!!!

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-Carrie Underwood threw a curveball and let her vag hang out onstage for a steamy performance with Sam Hunt.

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carrieLEGS

-Ariana Grande introduced the Weeknd and apparently thought she was auditioning for a one-woman variety show on Nick. No one laughed, which in turn, made me laugh a lot.

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-Demi bringing down the house with a cover of Hello and the sexiest biz casj I ever did see.

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-Stevie Wonder’s sparkle shirt with camo jacket and NEON gym sneaks. I spent too much time while he sang with Pentatonix wondering if he was trolling us because no seeing person would purposefully dress themselves like that BUT THEN he bullied everyone for not being able to read Braille. WHAT A BUNCH OF IDIOTS WHO CAN SEE HAHA. YOU’RE ALL SUCKERS WHO HAVE EYES THAT FUNCTION. Keep doin you, Stevie.

-James Bay and Tori Kelly duet a mash up of “Hollow” and “Let it Go” and it’s buttery smooth. It would be kewl if I could hire them to sing me a lullaby every night before bed.

-Kendrick Lamar does a little ditty about black injustices complete with prison bars, shackles, & a large fire that scares all the white people in the crowd. It was probably the most entertaining thing of the night to see 0.0 white crowd reactions. (Especially so hot off the heels of everyone realizing that Beyonce is black.)

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-It sounded like the Biebz might have been slangin some voice lessons when he did “Love Yourself” acoustic in a jacket he borrowed from Sammi Sweetheart. Then he promptly smashed his guitar and it was an omen for the remainder of the performance. #BadBoyLife

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-1989 wins album of the year and Taylor takes a big giant dump on Kanye’s face.

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YEAH THAT’S RIGHT. BURN CITY: Population, KANYE.

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Red Carpet

Grammy’s 2016 Red Carpet

WORST:

Lady Gaga

COME ON.

Janelle Monae

At first glance I thought she was holding a giant sun hat in front of her crotch. Nope, it’s just the dress. Glad she escaped old timey prison for the red carpet though.

Jaxon Bieber, Justin Bieber

DIRT STACHE.

Florence Welch

I think this is what they call “eclectic”. I call it arts and crafts.

Ciara

Ciara feels like she needs to show off her labia in hopes of tricking her boyfriend into having sex with her.

Nick Lachey, Vanessa Lachey

I miss Nick  & Jess.

The 58th GRAMMY Awards - Red Carpet

Major key: Black tuxes are slimming. (Unless you’re bigger than a house.)

Giuliana Rancic

WUT IS THIS.

Tori Kelly

Love Tor Tor but this dress makes her look fat and I know she is NOT.

Grammy Awards 2016

Hey Bow Wow thanks for stopping by in your lace bib.

Selena Gomez

SEL, where’s your prom date?

Tove Lo

We get it Tove Lo, you’re badass.

Serayah

Serayah (sp?) has made the full transformation to Bad Girl RiRi

The 58th GRAMMY Awards - Red Carpet

MULLET. MULL.ET. BIZ IN THE FRONT, PARTY IN THE BACK.

The 58th GRAMMY Awards - Red Carpet

Cam’s dress got caught in the paper shredder, apparently.

Kimberly Schlapman

Sooks to have the same color combo as T.Swift but look worse.

Karen Fairchild

Wonder how long it will take to get this dress off? Don’t get drunk Karen, you’ll be untying all night.

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Only Pharrell would roll through with white shades, a pearl necklace, his grandma’s sweater and a graphic tee. I can only hope the tee said something about brunch because Pharrell is white girl wasted in this getup.

BEST:

Mya

I didn’t even think Mya was still a thing but she looks bangin.

The 58th GRAMMY Awards - Red Carpet

Don’t hate the darker locks.

Anna Kendrick

Classy AND hawt.

Charlie Puth

SPARKLE TUX! (insert jazz hands)

Alessandra Ambrosio

Every musician who attended these awards should be embarrassed because Alessandra just did the damn thing.

Chrissy Teigen, John Legend

POWER COUPLE.

Ariana Grande

I’m jelly of how skinny Ariana is .

The 58th GRAMMY Awards - Red Carpet

Convinced Sam lost weight because Adele is back and he needs to remind everyone he still exists.

Demi Lovato

The new pantsuit. Elegant as hell with a few can tabs tossed in the mix.

Jack Antonoff

Jack is looking spiffy.

Entertainment: 58th Grammy Awards

Maroon suit GET AT ME.

The 58th GRAMMY Awards - Red Carpet

My Valentine ❤

The 58th GRAMMY Awards - Red Carpet

GOAT

Taylor Swift

I know it’s controversial of me to include this on my best dressed. But WHATEVA. I like it. She looks skinny AF and I bet she can sit with her legs wide open because she has built in shorts. I respect it. Obviously the Anna Wintour hair isn’t as welcome but it’s better than the slicked updo. END RANT. (Update: after seeing the dress move when she walked onstage, the underpiece actually looks like a diaper. So that’s weird.)

The 58th GRAMMY Awards - Red Carpet

Shocking twist: I don’t hate this.

Kaley Cuoco

Ugh whatever Kaley, we get it you’re in shape.

Adele

This picture doesn’t do her outfit justice, she’s such a skini minnie now.

FAVE LOOK OF THE NIGHT:

 

ELLIE! From left field! Everything crushes about this look.

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