Tag Archives: James Lafferty

JUice

Weekly JUice

Week of 1/11/2021

1. I Couldn’t Help But Wonder…

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…If Sex and the City would keep coming back until they’re all in their graves. It was announced this week that Sex and the City is making a comeback to HBO and honestly the timing could not have been more perfect. I had just finished re-watching the whole series right at the same time. Big showed up and rescued Carrie from the garbage Russian and just like that this video hits social media.

First thing’s first, let’s address the drama in the room. Kim Cattrall AKA Samantha is OUT. After years of dumping on all the other girls, claiming they bullied her, claiming she never wanted to do the movies to begin with, rumors swirling that she only did them if the production company promised to move forward with her solo projects as well….in summary Kim’s kind of an a-hole and had been holding up the process. So they kicked her to the curb. And as the most inappropriate part of the foursome, can we really call it SEX and the City without Samantha? I gotta be honest, I’ve always seen re-runs of SATC on E! and had never seen the original unedited episodes until these past few months when I finally got HBO and decided to start from the top. OH BABY did this show make me blush. I had no idea what I was missing with all the editing. It’s a completely different show and Samantha is basically a soft-core porn star in it. It was definitely risque for the time period and let’s just quickly recall that by the end of the series, the characters were in their late 30’s and early to mid forties (I don’t know if we ever pinned down Samantha’s age.) Which brings me to my point about this revival. I think it’s time to call it quits. It was time to call it quits in the the second movie when a 50-60 year old woman was kicked out of Abu Dhabi for giving a blowie on the beach. I’m a fan of the show, the first movie was phenomenal because we got our Carrie wedding (and also epic wedding fail) but the second movie was trash and that’s typically when you let things go to die. This revival is a show or maybe short series I’m guessing because every streaming service needs a hot new thing to get people to sign up and empty their pockets but WHY. We’re missing 1/4 of the gal pals, they’re now older than dirt and we’re supposed to still want to hear them talk about sex? What is this Golden Girls After Dark? No thanks. I’m not sure how this appeals to the core audience of SATC other than to pull the nostalgia factor like EVERY OTHER UNWANTED REUNION ON THIS PLANET. I’m still going to watch it obviously but I will be VERY UNCOMFY with it. I mean…come on….

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2. 100% A Cannibal.

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While we’re on the topic of sex, maybe Carrie and the girls can incorporate this hot topic in the reboot. Armie Hammer, actor and smoldering babe soda has recently created a wee bit of a riff in the interwebs for some DM’s of his that have been released. This is where things might get a little weird on The Salty Ju. Although I sat around a table at Wegmans when the Fappening occurred and passed celeb nudes around with my family members and I’ve covered a few of those nudes on here and become the go-to person my friends text for the uncensored version (proud of that one), I’ve never taken a face first dive into kinky DM’s. So this will be a first. Congrats to you all for being witness. So apparently there’s been some hints before to Armie being a real freak in the sheets. He’s recently divorced with two kids so I guess he’s full blown getting after it and one of his lady friends released these DM’s which according to many sources are legit:

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I’ve got real mixed feelings here. You know when he says “that just made me so hard and it makes me confused as to why”? That’s what “thinking of holding your heart in my hand and controlling when it beats” did to me. Is it weird? YUP. But would you not even BAT an EYELASH at this in a red hot read or a sexy Netflix movie? YUP TIMES A THOUSAND. CHICKS EAT THIS SHIT UP. There’s a reason 50 Shades of Grey was a freaking phenomenon. Hot and bothered women everywhere just want to be freed and get freaky with a hot guy. If it came out that Dustin Diamond was sending these DM’s to someone everyone would be like lock him TF up, but a Winkelvoss Twin? Now you’ve got a bunch of horned up and confused ladies. Do we like cannibals now? Is this a thing? The answer of course is no because cutting the heart out of living animal and eating it while it’s still warm is pre-crime shit and that’s when we come back down to earth and say mmm better not. Armie had us going for a moment there, though. I briefly considered what it would be like for his strong hands to control my heartbeat. Armie did not immediately respond to the whirlwind of DM’s that were sneaking out but unfortunately had to make a statement once the movie he was about to film cut him from the roster. Apparently JLo’s latest flick was NOT down with the cannibalism (what a bunch of prudes) and he was released and said the following:

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So I guess he just has more time on his hands to eat people and shit. #Don’tKinkShame

3. Sorry, Buuuuuuuuuuddy.

It’s unfortunate that I used the previous example of Dustin Diamond and then 8 hours after I wrote it, Screech’s team declares that he has cancer and is going through chemotherapy. Sorry I used you as an example of someone no one would ever want to have sex with, D Squared. Hope you can forgive me. Tough break to have cancer but on top of that Dustin also has shingles so he’s really been smited by disease. As another child star who went WAY off the rails, it sucks that he’s going through this but also he’s the type of guy that was CONSTANTLY trying to get headlines ever since the SBTB days so it’s kind of hard to feel like this is coming from a genuine place. He was the ONLY one not included in the woke reboot on Peacock probably due to the fact that he forayed into porn and bashed every single actor he ever worked with on the show. That’s neither here nor there to stand-up gent Mario Lopez who already made a statement:

What a guy. Does this mean all is forgiven and Screech will find his way back to the reboot? Only time will tell. PS: I burst out laughing when I read this exchange in the replies. Apparently real fans know who has stayed in touch and why…credit to Joe for keeping us all in check.

4. This Goes Out…This Goes Out to all the One Tree Hill Fans.

Former OTH heartthrobs James Lafferty and Stephen Colletti (LOL to refer to him as an OTH star when we all know where he got his start) created this show like 5 years ago and have been yapping about it constantly and trying to get it crowd-source funded to even shoot the damn thing. It’s concerning as hell that male leads for a primetime TV show that was on the air for 9 seasons can’t afford to shoot a few episodes of TV, but whatever, rabid fans made their tv show happen and after FOR-EV-ER it finally got picked up by Hulu. Add this to your watch list this weekend if you ever bought a Duke sweatshirt after Nathan Scott committed to playing basketball there only to wear it with MUCH disappointment while watching the end of season 4 where Duke rescinded the offer because he was point shaving…oh…was that just me? Whatever. I support this show but not enough to have given my own hard-earned dollars to a bunch of MUCH wealthier than me actors to get it made. So I’m glad we can now view it for free. This is what happens when there’s not a lot to report each week, I just make new show rec’s for your weekend of winter binging. You’re welcome.

5. The Demi Doc We ALL Need.

The minute I saw this I texted it to my friend with just YUSSSSSSSSSSSS, which really sums up my feelings on the matter. This is what we’ve been waiting for. I blogged about her first YouTube doc and how I loved every minute of it and learned so much about Demi being a total badass in the Disney days and obviously it’s no secret that I’m obsessed with her and spend a fair amount of time on this blog pretending I’m her BFF who likes to give unsolicited advice about her dating life. Honestly I’m so rabid for gossip and behind the scene deets about her life that March seems WAY too far away to wait for this. To get right to the elephant in the room, she obviously addresses her near death overdose.

Love that she’s using her platform to open up about her struggles but also keeping my fingers crossed that she drags that ex-fiance fame whore a little bit as well. It’s all about balance and sometimes you don’t always need to take the high road, Demi. Would love to hear what she thinks about him staging a cryfest photoshoot at the beach where he proposed after they broke up. Will report back in March when I 100% have a solo watch party with my girl Demi.

BONUS: Even the Olsen Twins Zoom.

Apparently MK had to do zoom court for her divorce and having a screenshot of her divorce proceedings over Zoom was easily the funniest thing I saw this week. You know I love to giggle at any current Olsen twins appearance because it’s like conjuring up dark magic. Who would’ve thought the girls who wore matching colored bandannas and sunglasses would turn into grim reapers but shout out to MK for giving us a GENUINE smile. Things are looking up for her post-divorce it seems. Her black turtleneck says I’m mourning this marriage but her face says I’M FREEEEEE!

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JUice

Weekly JUice

Week of 9/7/2020

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Today is 9/11 and I’m not sure that I’ve ever posted a blog on this day but it feels really cheap to post nonsense about celebrity garbo without at least acknowledging the day. This morning I read the following blog that was written 2 years ago, but I never took the time to read it before. It’s a personal perspective of someone who was working in Manhattan on that day and lost family members and friends and I thought it was really moving and well-written and a reminder of what a big deal that day was because it can often get lost in the years (especially for people like me who do not live in or near NYC) so I’m sharing it with you. CLICK HERE TO READ

1. RIP to E!’s Kash Kow.

The world had begun to believe this day would never come. After TWENTY seasons of Kardashian’s on our TV getting married, divorced, arrested, knocked up, and going on lavish all-expenses paid vacations and then threatening to leave said vacations when there was a slight conflict…the era is officially ending. Once we witnessed as a world the transformation of Bruiser to Caitlyn Jenner…I felt like the Kardashians would dominate our televisions forever. It just didn’t seem like there was anything they wouldn’t film and yet they’ve finally decided that after building E! up and basically creating reality TV as we know it, it’s time for them to move on. They’ve officially become TOO famous for reality TV. As someone who religiously watched this show from its birth up until Kim married Kanye AND someone who wrote an entire research paper my semester abroad on how the Kardashian’s are actually savvy businesswomen (this gives you a little taste of what college is like in other countries…one of my greater pieces of work) I can honestly say that it’s probably time for these a-holes to go. I drank the Kool Aid, I watched all the spin-offs, and then just for shits and giggs I flipped on a recent episode this year to see what they counted as quality TV these days. The episode covered a massive fight between Kourtney and Kim because Kim held a birthday party for North in Mexico, filmed it for the show and Kourtney ended up paying for the crew and security’s flights out there for a birthday party that wasn’t even her own kid’s. And that’s where I draw the line, folks. Reality TV in itself is pure dumpster fire flames hot garbage. It’s called a guilty pleasure for a reason. HOWEVER, when it gets to the point where the show that you’re watching is covering fights about how their production team isn’t paying for their own flights to film the very show you’re consuming? That’s a little TOO real. This should’ve been settled in negotiations. I don’t want to see how a reality show is made. That’s not what I’m signing up for here. ESPECIALLY because all of these people are loaded and a flight to Mexico is equivalent to me buying an ice cream cone for myself. I want to see Kim call her siblings RUDE and hit them. I want to see Scott rip EVERYONE a new asshole, mock Kris Jenner directly to her face and then prank call her later pretending to be Todd Kraines. I want to see Kourtney and Khloe act like 14 year olds together and give me new stupid phrases that I can say or talk about how they put mayo on their vag to make it softer. I want to see a marriage crumble before my very eyes in the most cringeworthy fashion (cough cough Kris Humphries.) And you know what? We’re just not getting that content anymore from the Kardashians. They’ve gone full celeb-mode and can’t be bothered with reality TV. And that’s fine, just get them the hell off of my TV. Make room for the new crew…

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I’m just kidding this show looks awful too. E! just might need to cut their losses here. Their LIVELIHOOD was the Kardashians. I swear you could turn on E! at any point in time and they’d be playing some version of a Kardashian show. It’s either that or Sex and the City. There’s no in between. If E! was really smart, they’d not only rotate their old reality TV shows but also bring a few back. They played a marathon of Married to Jonas the other day and I sat immobile for a solid 4 hours just watching the magic that is Danielle Jonas trying to speak on camera. I also got to remind myself that Kevin Jonas went HAM on some crawfish in Louisiana before a music video shoot and had to leave set abruptly due to a mean case of the crabby runs. All of this brought me great joy. Jessie James and Eric Decker’s reality show? Bring it back. These are the people that are just on the CUSP of mega-stardom that create quality trash TV. They’re willing to do or say anything on camera no matter how dumb it makes them look and these are my peeps. Hell, if E!’s looking, give me a reality show. My sister and I make ourselves pee our pants from laughing at the stupidity of people in this world on the daily. We’ll entertain the masses. Just the other day we jumped in her pool after a few cocktails and she convinced me that because I ate so many clams that day, I’d sink to the bottom like a clam. I was legitimately scared to jump in. See? DUMB PEOPLE THRIVE IN REALITY TV. Anyway, I got carried away there (or did I just pitch a new show?!) Either way, I can’t report this news without drawing attention to the fact that the announcement came from Kim, still proving that the one who starts it all with a sex tape, gets the last word. Never forget “OH SHIT, RAY J” and the sex tape that started with just video footage of her feet at the beach. What a wild ride it’s been. May it remain in our memz foreva, especially if I’ve had a few cocktails.

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2. Nathan Scott Off the Market.

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She said yeah 🙌🏼☺️

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This is only important news to those who grew up wishing Nathan Scott would be their husband (at an unreasonably young age, high school marriages FTW) and would spend the rest of her life watching him make a free throw without looking, to then jump into his arms to celebrate. Underwear Slushee: Population – ME.

Ok, fine obviously James Lafferty is his own person and not a fictional babe soda who plays basketball and got married to a touring singer at 16. Congrats on his engagement, mostly because I approve of his choice, Alexandra Park of The Royals fame. It appears as though Marc Schwann may have been a real dirtbag, but he did manage to put James and Alexandra in the same stratosphere by creating both of their shows. So there’s that. These two have been very hush hush about dating but as a real Grade A internet creep, I’ve known they were boning for years and I support it wholeheartedly. If anyone’s going to have baby James, I’m cool with this Aussie babe. EVEN THOUGH it pains me to break up The Royals ship of Eleanor and Jasper. (Especially because those two have more pics together on social media than who they are actually banging) Yes, I’m aware that I’m far too invested in fictional relationships. That’s what happens when you’re eternally single and have the maturity of a 14 year old girl writing in her diary every night and re-watching teen soaps.

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w/Jim – photo cred Fellini aka @stephencolletti

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I expect none of you to watch the following very obnoxious fan vids for each fictional couple, I’m literally just posting them for my sister because if we’re going to talk about two top notch shows and the couples that made them, I would be a terrible fan to not include some highlights of their best cheesy, smoochy mo’s (yes I abbreviated moments, DEAL WITH IT) set to a dramatic soundtrack.

Wishing these two every bit of REAL LIFE success. Ya know, without cheating scandals, limos flying off bridges on their wedding day, assassination attempts, etc. 

3. Goldberg GLOW-UP.

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I’ve reported on many 90’s child stars who have had extreme run-ins with the law in their adult years. Since I have pointed out their misfortune and wondered why I had such raging childhood crushes on several cast members of The Sandlot who turned out to be wife beaters and various other 90’s gems who took to the hard stuff…I feel it is also my duty to report on when they’ve turned things around. This will be the first time I’ll get to report this to date. As you’ll recall, the funny chubster who farts a lot turned out to be a meth-head tweaker. WELLLLLLL…he’s been living in a sober house, he’s clean, and he’s got a new set of chompers and BOY OH BOY what a difference that makes!

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We’ve got the old Goldberg back, folks! I don’t have to throw out my t-shirt after all! He’s literally a completely different person from the creature pictured above and I’m real proud of him. Keep on keepin on, G-berg. 

4. Fall SUCKS (Pls read in Sandler shouting voice.)

Hi, it’s me. Ya girl who is OBSESSED with summer and would live on a tropical island if it meant that the sun would be baking my skin for every second of my existence and I could listen to the ocean waves and have salty beach waves foreva. When summer begins, I’m the happiest person alive. When summer ends, I’m the saddest person alive. I don’t care about your pumpkin beers or your football or your apple picking. Summer will forever be my jam and I’ll scream it from the rooftop. Score one point for me not being a basic betch. We’re already in that September sweet spot where everyone is yapping about that fall chill and cozy blankets from Homegoods and Pumpkin Spice. And I’m jamming my fingers in my ears and screaming LALALALALA as I strap on my bikini again and continue to go in my sister’s pool even though the temperature is drastically dropping. Why am I going on this rant, you ask? Cause it’s my blog and I do what I damn well please. But also, because I’m real dry on celeb news this week and I’m reaching into the nethers of the internet to come up with this “headline.” We’re already getting a taste of Halloween, because obviously with basic betch Fall comes spooky szn. If we’re being real, Spooky Szn started in March and hasn’t stopped yet. So let’s see how we’re gonna handle going to strangers homes and eating their candy in a pandemic. But regardless, Netflix has a deal with Adam Sandler to keep making his Happy Madison flicks and this one is the latest. I smashed play and got excited for a new funny Halloween movie to add to the mix, then watched this trailer with horror–not the fun H-ween kind.

You’ve got a stacked cast of Sandler’s usual suspects and basically every member of SNL past and present. Oddly missing: Rob Schneider with a lazy eye. Although, potential spoiler alert, he’s probably the creature causing all of the creepy mayhem. So to tack right back onto my shitting on Fall theme, this movie stinks. It’s not even out yet, and it stinks. There is no one on this earth that needs Sandler talking in a weird voice that changes from scene to scene for this Halloween season. Give me a seltzie and the beach and let’s pretend this never happened. 

5. New Beats.

Two parter for “new song Friday”, a feature that I only include when I’m desperado for things to include. The first song courtesy of my girl Demi and the “DJ” that just wears a marshmellow with a face on his head. It’s a fun lil 80’s dance vibe with feel good lyrics. Because when Demi tells me it’s ok not to be ok, I believe her. Thanks gurl. I am very much NOT OK. But you know what? That’s ok right now. Cause Demi said so. The second song was discovered via TikTok (I’m such a youth now) and I immediately grooved my face off to it. Lotta flack for this gent saying it’s not real country, but guess what, not all country needs to be Garth Brooks, so let’s relax. Everyone’s mixing genres these days. Let it happen, bro. Great pool/beach song for when you’re in denial about summer ending like MOI. (As I sit on the couch in pants and a sweatshirt, still cold. FU world.)

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JUice

Weekly JUice

Week of 11/13/17

1. Sexiest Man Alive Continues to be HOT GARBAGE.

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Look, I’ve been outraged by People’s choice for as long as I’ve had this blog. The first year I was so fired up that I wrote a whole blog dedicated to it. Now I’m just jaded. I’ve come to accept that Sexiest Man Alive is the biggest Hollywood hack job and I think it’s time that we move on and ignore People every year until they do away with this title. Because internet outrage is still attention for them and they love the shit out of that. Ignore them like the smelly kid at recess and show them that putting a country singer whose been around for 900 years and is most well known for hosting a reality singing show and gallivanting around with Ms. No Doubt DOES NOT DESERVE THE TITLE SEXIEST MAN ALIVE. #TeamMiranda4Lyfe

2. VS Fashion Show Lineup. Interesting marketing tactic for pulling in viewers to the annual “watch skinny girls strut around in comically over-sized wings to today’s pop hits”. Tossing together Taylor Swift, Katy Perry & Harry Styles. Obviously Tay & Hay had a past fling and Tay and Kay had a past feud. So, they’re trying to stir up some shit but in reality they probably are kept apart by publicists and each perform their own hit and that will be that. Does it make me a big lez if I’m more excited to see what “bad Tay” will don for lingerie considering her last appearance featured her wearing this:

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If so, then I’m AOK with that. Update: Just before I published, there’s a story being tossed around that Katy’s visa or whatever isn’t approved to perform at this show. Fingers crossed this is true. WE ALL KNOW WHO THE WEAK LINK IS HERE, GUYS.

3. Congrats on the Sex. HEY DID YOU GUYS KNOW THAT SARAH HYLAND AND WELLS ADAMS ARE DATING? Because once Halloween and that picture of the two of them dressed up as Stranger Things characters hit the airwaves it was like a floodgate in Sarah’s oversharing on social media tactic was opened and now we as the public are basically intimately a part of their relationship. They banter on twitter, they both post pictures almost daily & then she gets pissed at everyone for telling her that she’s oversharing. You know, normal stuff. I will say exactly what I said on my Reputation review…it’s fabulous that you’re happy but like THE KEY TO HAPPINESS IS NOT BARFING YOUR RELATIONSHIP ALL OVER SOCIAL MEDIA SO EVERYONE CAN COMMENT ON IT BECAUSE YOU’RE FAMOUS AND THEY THINK THEY KNOW YOU. End rant.

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Two more reasons to smile again. My big🥄& furry🥄

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4. Barf City, Population: Me.

Gee, thanks Nicki for making me barf uncontrollably all over my keyboard. That’s it. That’s all I got.

5. Tree Hill is not a place where everything’s better and everything’s safe. As a very public OTH superfan, it would be inapprops of me not to report the reason it became a highly discussed show this week… 5 years after it stopped airing. The latest on the long list of Hollywoood pervs is Marc Schwann, creator and showrunner of OTH, and current showrunner of equally as delicious trash teen TV show, The Royals. According to this letter that was released mid-week, Schwann sucks. Leading the charge were public feminists and whistleblowers Hilarie Burton (called out Ben Affleck REAL HARD for some boob grabbing) and Sophia Bush (calls out everyone, always). In summary–pls follow the tweets below for everyone’s commentary–a female writer spoke out against Marc, all the OTH girls got on a conference call and drafted a public letter, all the men tweeted their support, lead of The Royals speaks out, ladies of the Royals pen their own British version of the OTH letter, all the men tweet their support, Marc is suspended pending investigation & Elizbeth Hurley is like I’ve never been harassed once in my life, so IDK what’s going on. SAARRRYYY. My take on this from the many different stories that I read is that Marc is kinda an egomaniac douchenozzle in general. Kind of puts OTH and the Royals in an icky light though if he’s running shows about young kids and being a real cr33p. Since this is quite the hot button issue these days and I don’t want to come off as insensitive, I’ll just give out the information and you can do with it what you will. I know. Mark this moment in history as the only time I’ve held back my opinions so as not to stir the pot. HOWEVER, I WILL SAY…Grubbs the bartender made a statement of support and from Chad Michael Murray, THE MAIN CHARACTER OF THE ENTIRE SERIES? We got nothin. He retweeted something and that was that. YIIIIIKKES. #BurnLucasDownSIS

THE ROYALS:

 

 

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Best of OTH Mix Part 2

The Tree Hill gang (well….Lucas, Haley and every minor character who ever appeared on the show) gathered once again recently in Wilmington for another OTH convention and it made me nostalgic. Mostly because the ghost of Keith showed up looking like this, un-ironically I’m assuming and I longed for the time when he was missing or dead.

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Just kidding, I longed for the time when there would be a big moment on the show and I would immediately need to download the song that scored it. So I decided to make a second OTH mix, this one with less famous beats and a little more of the feels, so save it for a rainy day (I’m talking to you, Naley…WINK)

PS In case you’re having a hard time remembering who those characters are in the convention picture, I’ll just throw it out there that one of them MURDERED QUENTIN AND TRIED TO MURDER BROOKE. So glad he could make it in place of Q. NAHT.

The Mixed Tape- Jack’s Mannequin. The love of my life and piano extraordinaire Andrew McMahon was an important part of Tree Hill when he made the music video for this song starring Peyton in her infamously artsy room. The mixed tape also played over the basketball game where Lucas nails Chris Keller in the face with the ball mid-play. Win, win for everyone.

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Sweet Silver Lining- Kate Voegele. Remembz season six when we all knew Lucas and Peyton weren’t coming back for season seven but instead of being gracious about it the writers threatened Peyton’s life every few episodes? Well this came after the first death scare and before the second at her quickie wedding to Lucas. Mia dedicated this song to her and was like “Hey Peyton, this is for you because you keep almost dying. Love ya, girl—enjoy 4 hours of marriage before you collapse.” I also saw Kate perform this live before the episode aired and she didn’t give out any spoilers, which is pretty selfish if you ask me.

Always Love- Nada Surf. Here’s an uplifting beat to distract you from the other kind of depressing ones on this mix (Peyton-nobody understands me-style.) Nada Surf just wants us all to be lovers, not fighters and it plays at the beginning of season three when Lucas and Haley are writing their senior year predictions. Even though Naley is on the outs for this one, the song gives us hope that my fave couple would stop being idiots and get back together. Haley writes out “Nathan and I will be together again,” and I’m guessing she didn’t think that would include an infant by graduation when she jotted that one down. After she hides it behind the brick, Nathan walks her to class with his hand on the small of her back and it gives me all the Naley tingles.

More Than Anyone- Gavin DeGraw. Speaking of Naley tingles, this is one of their anthems. Gav scores their first rain kiss after the big porno fight (so precious) and then at their 2nd wedding, as their first dance. I’m also going to assume Jimmy Jam was conceived to this song. Just a hunch.

Sing, Theresa Says-Greg Laswell. In season four we finally see Peyton and Lucas get together and because Peyton has eternally been such a dark cloud of death and stalkers, Lucas pretty much expects to always be saving her from somebody trying to kill her. Peyton tries to convince him that she’s so happy now that he loves her and is like omg music is so much better when we’re together then tries to impress Lucas by shazaaming this song. No seriously she shows off an app. Technology is ruining relationships.           

War Sweater- Wakey!Wakey! Since everything is in extremes, Lucas and Peyton are either happy as clamz or in distress and this song represents the latter. The two get married right quick so their child isn’t born illegitimate and instead of some nice wedding night sex, Peyton gets the wedding night bleeds (not the pure kind) and almost dies NBD but KBD. This plays as she’s rushed to the hospital and the baby is born and everyone wah wahs about her waking up. What will your legacy be, Peyton? Will you almost eat it and then drive away from a town you’ve lived in your whole life without saying goodbye? Just wondering. 

Missing You- Tyler Hilton. Couldn’t make a One Tree Hill mix without our favorite sexy villain Chris Keller. This is a nice remake that Chris did probably with the studio time that Dan Scott paid for and it played during another epic Naley rain scene in season 3 when they’re stressed about picking colleges away from each other. Seems like a conflict of interest to listen to Chris Keller while they’re smushing but whatever turns Haley on, right?

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Here Comes a Regular- The Replacements. Back to the sappies, here’s the song that Ellie said was her favorite of all time because she saw it live at Woodstock (probz stoned) and coincidentally (not) it played while she slowly and sadly died amongst her records, only for her daughter to find her corpse. Doesn’t that leave you with the warm and fuzzies? Side and unrelated note, I’ve listened to this song roughly 100 times and for the life of me I still can’t figure out one lyric to it. I usually just sing along with inaudible sounds.

Middle of Nowhere- Hot Hot Heat. I went through a hardcore punk pop phase in my early teen years and therefore this song got a lot of play time.Fortunately for me, Peyton went through the same phase for all of One Tree Hill and it worked out really well for my iPod. Lucky for everyone else this song is fun punk and not everyone hates me and I want to die punk.

Times Like These (Acoustic)- Foo Fighters. Dave Grohl didn’t just make the hot musicians I want to bang list on Peyton’s closet door—he also got to complete one of the weirdest and most unrealistic moments of One Tree Hill. The gang graduates and MID-SPEECH, Haley’s like oopsie I just flooded the stage with my amniotic fluids before I even got the chance to grab my diploma! It’s times like going into labor at high school graduation you learn to live again, is what I hear. #Inspiration

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Quicksand- Haley James Scott. Again, we can’t give kudos to One Tree Hill’s music without including their #1 Tutor Girl turned Pop Star. This is a later season gem (probably the only one…her music career PLUMMETS) from right after Lucas and Peyton PEACED up outta there. We come back for season 7 and Haley records this song with an interesting hat perched atop her wild red curly mane. I think the song’s supposed to reassure us that things will be fine without two of the main characters but I was more convinced that Haley had turned into a hippy who smelled like patchouli with the loss of her BFF.

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23- Jimmy Eat World. This band was almost singlehandedly the soundtrack to One Tree Hill with the amount of songs that they played, some of them performed by the band themselves at Tric because obviously high schoolers can book Jimmy Eat World for a casual Friday night hang. I understand that this song is 7 minutes long and that’s asking a lot of our short attention span culture to listen to in full but I also would like to add that it’s a phenomenal song. AND it plays during the pivotal last moments of season 2 where Peyton has suddenly procured a coke addiction, Jake comes back mid-drug deal to tell her to knock it off and Haley (a married woman teenager) kisses Chris Keller and is like let’s go on tour together and leave my hot husband at home waiting with the delicious dinner he just cooked for me. Also Dan Scott is about to get BURNED. Literally. SO MUCH DRAMA all to the tune of this moody song.

Heartbeats- José González. This is a song for all the Leyton fans. The Ravens win the state championship, dreams have come true, confetti is falling and Lucas takes one glance at Peyton’s chicken legs as she awkwardly stares off into space with no one to talk to and he finally tells her, “It’s you, you’re the one I want next to me when all my dreams come true.” And they smooch among the celebrations, end scene. Except not end scene because rumor has it that some girl at the Return To Wilmington convention asked him to recite the line to her. So apparently he’ll just say it to anyone. Lucas is such an “It’s you” whore.

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Be Yourself- Audioslave. Here’s another one of those famous montage songs that One Tree Hill likes to plop at the end of each season finale to sum everything up. Played at the end of season 2 we see Karen going to New Zealand for some summer lovin with Andy, Deb thinking about how she’s about to kill her husband, Nathan moving back home and Peyton just staring at her own art about people always leaving but also sometimes coming back. Does that bother anyone else? You can’t make a sweeping statement and then be like JK sometimes it ends up different just because your friend is sad.

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Lavinia- The Veils. While we’re on the topic of Deb plotting to kill her husband…remember when Dan Scott was poisoned and set on fire? Of course you do because he became mayor JUST to find out who did it. Seems like a lot of work, but whatevs. This song is creepy and weird and I LOVE IT. It played over the big dumpster fire that was once Dan Scott Motors while D-Money’s lifeless body was trapped inside. That is, until Lucas decided to be a hero and pull him to safety. I thank Lucas for that because if he hadn’t, we would have never seen Dan say to a couple of hookers “Take a hike, bitches” in season four.

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Sidewalks [Acoustic]- Story Of The Year. What a great angsty number this is. It also played while Peyton and Jake boned for the first time. Yaassss. Team Jake foreva. What a stud he was…and a GREAT teen father. Of course the Angel of Death had to screw that one up.

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The Adventure- Angels & Airwaves. Here’s a feel good jam from the former singer of Blink 182 and just so that you’ll always have a happy memory associated with it, when Lucas quits bball because his heart can’t hang, Nathan dominates the Ravens and gets his mojo back for a hot winning streak at the end of season three. Direct quote from Nathan “Sex Machine” Scott, “You might wanna stay out of my way for a while.” He also throws down a slam-dunk then runs over to Haley mid-game and says she might want to bang him pre-wedding because he knows how sexy he looks. It’s safe to say that Haley promptly soaks her cheer uniform, because who wouldn’t?

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Lesson Learned- Ray LaMontagne. We can’t always be on a high and that’s why we need to bring it back down with our soulful boy, Ray. He croons on about learning lessons in his raspy voice while Nathan most certainly learns the lesson to never borrow money from thugs again because his preggers wife just got hit by a car. Also Lucas probz learned the lesson to stop being so casj about his shitty heart as he collapses right next to Hales for a little BFF ambulance trip/extended stay. Shall we call this a lesson learned?           

Ride- Cary Brothers. This song midas whale have been written about Peyton and her cool ass Comet. “The boy saw the comet and he felt as though his life had meaning.” That’s a pretty powerful vintage whip right thurr. Lindsey pieces this all together at the altar, which is suuuupes embarrassing for her that it took that long for her to figure out that her fiancé was in love with someone else but anyway we get a nice little flashback to Lucas towing Peyton’s car and her being a real twat to him.

Boston- Augustana. It’s unfortunate that this song is named after the city I just aggressively moved out of but what’re you gonna do. I remember when it first came out I had just gotten back from Spain for a little study abroad stint at the ripe age of 15 and I felt it was cool and cultural to put my AIM away message as “I think I’ll get a lover and fly them out to Spain.” None of which applied to my life but because I had been to Spain I obviously felt like I had the right to use a lyric about lovers and being rich enough to fly them anywhere. Nathan and Haley were lovers who got to fly nowhere because on their way to the airport while this song was so adorably playing and they were glowing in anticipation of honeymoon sex they got rerouted when Nathan jumped into a river to save his hot Uncle Cooper from dying. Hope they got their money back for those tix to London because non-refundable flights can be a real bitch.

Thanks for putting your earphones in, Keith Scott Motors hood up, and taking this dribble over the Tree Hill memory bridge with me. It’s been a real hoot and now you have two full bangalicious OTH mixes to reflect with. So don’t say I never gave you anything.

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A Ranking of Naley’s Rainy Moments

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Every One Tree Hill fan had one couple that they shipped, HARD. Naley was mine. I started my obsession with them because I HAD to root for the tutor nerd getting swept away by the star basketball player and making him into a better person. I realize after a few seasons they became queer as shit but I was already in deep, always…and forever. Anyway, other than having a barf-inducing phrase that they say to each other instead of I love you, Naley’s thing is getting down and dirty in the rain. They took the makeout scene in The Notebook and amplified it, literally going to poundtown every time a storm cloud rolls in. What’s that? You want me to rank each time they used the rain as a lubricant from worst to best?

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Season 8, Episode 11. Darkness On The Edge of Town.

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This is the rainstorm that Jamie almost dies in soap opera style and this episode as a whole SUCKS. This is Naley’s worst rain moment mostly because they don’t have a movie-worthy makeout but also because Haley is wearing a bucket hat. They get a flat tire, Nathan has to fix it and Haley ruins everything by trying to help. She also tells him she can’t have sex with him in the backseat because she’s pregnant. Um, since when can you not have sex while preggers, Hales? It’s raining, that means you get to down to biz, stat, regardless of if your headwear choice is a real boner kill.

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Season 5, Episode 12. Hundred.

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Naley is going through a real rough patch during season 5 after Nathan finally cleans up his mullet and miraculously gains use of his dead legs again then promptly gets caught tongue-ing Nanny Carrie. Haley sends him packing but when he shows up to try to win her back Jamie falls in the pool and almost drowns while they’re fighting, cause the little shit just couldn’t wait until his parents were back together to almost sink to the bottom of the pool. That’s when Haley demands a divorce and it was a dark time for me during their separation. This rain scene is a literal wet dream (get it?) which makes it a real buzzkill. I needed it to be real that there was a rainstorm in the kitchen and all was well with Naley but obviously it took Jamie getting stolen from Lucas’s wedding for them to realize they needed to stay married or something.

Season 9, Episode 13. One Tree Hill.

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In the last episode of the series, there obviously needs to be a quick ode to everything that was great about Naley since they LITERALLY put us through hell for the majority of the season as Nathan lived in a Russian warehouse strapped to a chair and dying. NBD. Hales and Nathan decide to go for a quick walk in the pouring rain and do a little slow dancing to their boy Gavin. As far as rain scenes go this wasn’t their best, but I get what was being accomplished here. Wink, wink, nudge, nudge, Nathan almost died but we decided that wouldn’t be best so we’re just going to remind you that Naley will forever and always be together and using the rain as nature’s aphrodisiac. Got it.

Season 1, Episode 22. The Games That Play Us

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Ah, the rainstorm that started it all…Haley finds pics of Peyton on Nathan’s computer when she’s snooping and she sees that he watches porn. No seriously, she gets mad at him about porn. To prove that he’s not a porn freak, he stands outside her house waiting for her so he can apologize and say that he loves her a whole lot more than porn stars. It starts to rain and thus begins the Naley trend of making up after a fight with a rainy mack sesh. Gavin plays (OF COURSE) and Nathan says I’m gonna have you kiss you and Haley’s all ooookkk if you musttttt as she sashays in her white platform flip flops to get closer to her man candy.

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Season 3, Episode 13. The Wind That Blew My Heart Away

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Right in line with the last one, here’s another circumstance that Naley used natural weather patterns to heal their relationship probz. Hales is stressed because she wants to go to Stanford and Nathan wants to go to Duke. You know, typical high school couple issues of choosing which esteemed school to attend for free. They get rained in together and have to deal with all of the fallout from Haley becoming Hannah Montana and going on tour for her junior year of high school. Haley feels bad that she was such a doucher and chose music over their marriage and Nathan reassures her that he was proud of her and he runs out in the rain to show her the newspaper articles and reviews he’s been stockpiling in a shoebox and surprisingly didn’t set on fire when she was away. Obvy the rain ruins them all (only for them to be miraculously revived the next morning) and Haley’s like you don’t need that you’ve got me-cue make out on top of a car. Double dicey, Chris Keller (Tyler Hilton) is playing in the background. DON’T BRING HIM UP, OTH…it’s STILL TOUCHY.

Season 2, Episode 1. The Desperate Kingdom of Love

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Remembz how Haley wanted to save herself until marriage? Yeah it seems like a real distant memory but the result of their porn fight/makeup led to Haley being like hey let’s have sex now because water is falling from the sky and creating a little wet t shirt contest scenario. And then Nathan proposes to her and Haley says the most realistic thing she’ll ever utter about their relationship when she says, “Nathan, this is not normal. Couples just don’t get married in high school.” BUT THEN OBVIOUSLY SAYS YES. And then it’s kewl for them to have sex cause like they’re getting married. Bonus points for “She Will Be Loved” by Maroon 5 playing during this scene and tugging at every teen heart string.

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Season 3, Episode 17. Who Will Survive, And What Will Be Left of Them

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All it took was for Uncle Keith to get murdered and suddenly Naley was like shit, let’s be togets for real cause YOLO. Some of their happiest moments were in the episodes after Keith got shot when everyone else was grieving and they were catching some alone time to get busy after the funeral. They’re obsessing over each other and Haley’s like if only it were raining and then I would be hornier, and Nathan’s like I gotchu-I make it rain on dem hoes. He takes her to the football field and they have a cute little picnic where Nathan tells Haley that just in case he also gets shot by his dad, he wants her to know how happy he is and that she can have all of his belongings in his will. The sprinklers turn on and Haley is so impressed that Nathan knew the lawn care schedule at the high school that she makes out with him. “It’s not possible to be this in love!!!”, Haley declares and I sigh as they get arrested for public indecency on the football field.

Thanks to this superfan making a supercut, you can watch all rainy scenes in one place…don’t say I never gave you anything (again to be clear I had no part in creating this.)

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