JUice

Weekly JUice

Week of 11/13/17

1. Sexiest Man Alive Continues to be HOT GARBAGE.

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Look, I’ve been outraged by People’s choice for as long as I’ve had this blog. The first year I was so fired up that I wrote a whole blog dedicated to it. Now I’m just jaded. I’ve come to accept that Sexiest Man Alive is the biggest Hollywood hack job and I think it’s time that we move on and ignore People every year until they do away with this title. Because internet outrage is still attention for them and they love the shit out of that. Ignore them like the smelly kid at recess and show them that putting a country singer whose been around for 900 years and is most well known for hosting a reality singing show and gallivanting around with Ms. No Doubt DOES NOT DESERVE THE TITLE SEXIEST MAN ALIVE. #TeamMiranda4Lyfe

2. VS Fashion Show Lineup. Interesting marketing tactic for pulling in viewers to the annual “watch skinny girls strut around in comically over-sized wings to today’s pop hits”. Tossing together Taylor Swift, Katy Perry & Harry Styles. Obviously Tay & Hay had a past fling and Tay and Kay had a past feud. So, they’re trying to stir up some shit but in reality they probably are kept apart by publicists and each perform their own hit and that will be that. Does it make me a big lez if I’m more excited to see what “bad Tay” will don for lingerie considering her last appearance featured her wearing this:

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If so, then I’m AOK with that. Update: Just before I published, there’s a story being tossed around that Katy’s visa or whatever isn’t approved to perform at this show. Fingers crossed this is true. WE ALL KNOW WHO THE WEAK LINK IS HERE, GUYS.

3. Congrats on the Sex. HEY DID YOU GUYS KNOW THAT SARAH HYLAND AND WELLS ADAMS ARE DATING? Because once Halloween and that picture of the two of them dressed up as Stranger Things characters hit the airwaves it was like a floodgate in Sarah’s oversharing on social media tactic was opened and now we as the public are basically intimately a part of their relationship. They banter on twitter, they both post pictures almost daily & then she gets pissed at everyone for telling her that she’s oversharing. You know, normal stuff. I will say exactly what I said on my Reputation review…it’s fabulous that you’re happy but like THE KEY TO HAPPINESS IS NOT BARFING YOUR RELATIONSHIP ALL OVER SOCIAL MEDIA SO EVERYONE CAN COMMENT ON IT BECAUSE YOU’RE FAMOUS AND THEY THINK THEY KNOW YOU. End rant.

Two more reasons to smile again. My big🥄& furry🥄

A post shared by Sarah Hyland (@sarahhyland) on

4. Barf City, Population: Me.

Gee, thanks Nicki for making me barf uncontrollably all over my keyboard. That’s it. That’s all I got.

5. Tree Hill is not a place where everything’s better and everything’s safe. As a very public OTH superfan, it would be inapprops of me not to report the reason it became a highly discussed show this week… 5 years after it stopped airing. The latest on the long list of Hollywoood pervs is Marc Schwann, creator and showrunner of OTH, and current showrunner of equally as delicious trash teen TV show, The Royals. According to this letter that was released mid-week, Schwann sucks. Leading the charge were public feminists and whistleblowers Hilarie Burton (called out Ben Affleck REAL HARD for some boob grabbing) and Sophia Bush (calls out everyone, always). In summary–pls follow the tweets below for everyone’s commentary–a female writer spoke out against Marc, all the OTH girls got on a conference call and drafted a public letter, all the men tweeted their support, lead of The Royals speaks out, ladies of the Royals pen their own British version of the OTH letter, all the men tweet their support, Marc is suspended pending investigation & Elizbeth Hurley is like I’ve never been harassed once in my life, so IDK what’s going on. SAARRRYYY. My take on this from the many different stories that I read is that Marc is kinda an egomaniac douchenozzle in general. Kind of puts OTH and the Royals in an icky light though if he’s running shows about young kids and being a real cr33p. Since this is quite the hot button issue these days and I don’t want to come off as insensitive, I’ll just give out the information and you can do with it what you will. I know. Mark this moment in history as the only time I’ve held back my opinions so as not to stir the pot. HOWEVER, I WILL SAY…Grubbs the bartender made a statement of support and from Chad Michael Murray, THE MAIN CHARACTER OF THE ENTIRE SERIES? We got nothin. He retweeted something and that was that. YIIIIIKKES. #BurnLucasDownSIS

THE ROYALS:

 

 

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Playlist

Best of OTH Mix Part 2

The Tree Hill gang (well….Lucas, Haley and every minor character who ever appeared on the show) gathered once again recently in Wilmington for another OTH convention and it made me nostalgic. Mostly because the ghost of Keith showed up looking like this, un-ironically I’m assuming and I longed for the time when he was missing or dead.

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Just kidding, I longed for the time when there would be a big moment on the show and I would immediately need to download the song that scored it. So I decided to make a second OTH mix, this one with less famous beats and a little more of the feels, so save it for a rainy day (I’m talking to you, Naley…WINK)

PS In case you’re having a hard time remembering who those characters are in the convention picture, I’ll just throw it out there that one of them MURDERED QUENTIN AND TRIED TO MURDER BROOKE. So glad he could make it in place of Q. NAHT.

The Mixed Tape- Jack’s Mannequin. The love of my life and piano extraordinaire Andrew McMahon was an important part of Tree Hill when he made the music video for this song starring Peyton in her infamously artsy room. The mixed tape also played over the basketball game where Lucas nails Chris Keller in the face with the ball mid-play. Win, win for everyone.

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Sweet Silver Lining- Kate Voegele. Remembz season six when we all knew Lucas and Peyton weren’t coming back for season seven but instead of being gracious about it the writers threatened Peyton’s life every few episodes? Well this came after the first death scare and before the second at her quickie wedding to Lucas. Mia dedicated this song to her and was like “Hey Peyton, this is for you because you keep almost dying. Love ya, girl—enjoy 4 hours of marriage before you collapse.” I also saw Kate perform this live before the episode aired and she didn’t give out any spoilers, which is pretty selfish if you ask me.

Always Love- Nada Surf. Here’s an uplifting beat to distract you from the other kind of depressing ones on this mix (Peyton-nobody understands me-style.) Nada Surf just wants us all to be lovers, not fighters and it plays at the beginning of season three when Lucas and Haley are writing their senior year predictions. Even though Naley is on the outs for this one, the song gives us hope that my fave couple would stop being idiots and get back together. Haley writes out “Nathan and I will be together again,” and I’m guessing she didn’t think that would include an infant by graduation when she jotted that one down. After she hides it behind the brick, Nathan walks her to class with his hand on the small of her back and it gives me all the Naley tingles.

More Than Anyone- Gavin DeGraw. Speaking of Naley tingles, this is one of their anthems. Gav scores their first rain kiss after the big porno fight (so precious) and then at their 2nd wedding, as their first dance. I’m also going to assume Jimmy Jam was conceived to this song. Just a hunch.

Sing, Theresa Says-Greg Laswell. In season four we finally see Peyton and Lucas get together and because Peyton has eternally been such a dark cloud of death and stalkers, Lucas pretty much expects to always be saving her from somebody trying to kill her. Peyton tries to convince him that she’s so happy now that he loves her and is like omg music is so much better when we’re together then tries to impress Lucas by shazaaming this song. No seriously she shows off an app. Technology is ruining relationships.           

War Sweater- Wakey!Wakey! Since everything is in extremes, Lucas and Peyton are either happy as clamz or in distress and this song represents the latter. The two get married right quick so their child isn’t born illegitimate and instead of some nice wedding night sex, Peyton gets the wedding night bleeds (not the pure kind) and almost dies NBD but KBD. This plays as she’s rushed to the hospital and the baby is born and everyone wah wahs about her waking up. What will your legacy be, Peyton? Will you almost eat it and then drive away from a town you’ve lived in your whole life without saying goodbye? Just wondering. 

Missing You- Tyler Hilton. Couldn’t make a One Tree Hill mix without our favorite sexy villain Chris Keller. This is a nice remake that Chris did probably with the studio time that Dan Scott paid for and it played during another epic Naley rain scene in season 3 when they’re stressed about picking colleges away from each other. Seems like a conflict of interest to listen to Chris Keller while they’re smushing but whatever turns Haley on, right?

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Here Comes a Regular- The Replacements. Back to the sappies, here’s the song that Ellie said was her favorite of all time because she saw it live at Woodstock (probz stoned) and coincidentally (not) it played while she slowly and sadly died amongst her records, only for her daughter to find her corpse. Doesn’t that leave you with the warm and fuzzies? Side and unrelated note, I’ve listened to this song roughly 100 times and for the life of me I still can’t figure out one lyric to it. I usually just sing along with inaudible sounds.

Middle of Nowhere- Hot Hot Heat. I went through a hardcore punk pop phase in my early teen years and therefore this song got a lot of play time.Fortunately for me, Peyton went through the same phase for all of One Tree Hill and it worked out really well for my iPod. Lucky for everyone else this song is fun punk and not everyone hates me and I want to die punk.

Times Like These (Acoustic)- Foo Fighters. Dave Grohl didn’t just make the hot musicians I want to bang list on Peyton’s closet door—he also got to complete one of the weirdest and most unrealistic moments of One Tree Hill. The gang graduates and MID-SPEECH, Haley’s like oopsie I just flooded the stage with my amniotic fluids before I even got the chance to grab my diploma! It’s times like going into labor at high school graduation you learn to live again, is what I hear. #Inspiration

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Quicksand- Haley James Scott. Again, we can’t give kudos to One Tree Hill’s music without including their #1 Tutor Girl turned Pop Star. This is a later season gem (probably the only one…her music career PLUMMETS) from right after Lucas and Peyton PEACED up outta there. We come back for season 7 and Haley records this song with an interesting hat perched atop her wild red curly mane. I think the song’s supposed to reassure us that things will be fine without two of the main characters but I was more convinced that Haley had turned into a hippy who smelled like patchouli with the loss of her BFF.

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23- Jimmy Eat World. This band was almost singlehandedly the soundtrack to One Tree Hill with the amount of songs that they played, some of them performed by the band themselves at Tric because obviously high schoolers can book Jimmy Eat World for a casual Friday night hang. I understand that this song is 7 minutes long and that’s asking a lot of our short attention span culture to listen to in full but I also would like to add that it’s a phenomenal song. AND it plays during the pivotal last moments of season 2 where Peyton has suddenly procured a coke addiction, Jake comes back mid-drug deal to tell her to knock it off and Haley (a married woman teenager) kisses Chris Keller and is like let’s go on tour together and leave my hot husband at home waiting with the delicious dinner he just cooked for me. Also Dan Scott is about to get BURNED. Literally. SO MUCH DRAMA all to the tune of this moody song.

Heartbeats- José González. This is a song for all the Leyton fans. The Ravens win the state championship, dreams have come true, confetti is falling and Lucas takes one glance at Peyton’s chicken legs as she awkwardly stares off into space with no one to talk to and he finally tells her, “It’s you, you’re the one I want next to me when all my dreams come true.” And they smooch among the celebrations, end scene. Except not end scene because rumor has it that some girl at the Return To Wilmington convention asked him to recite the line to her. So apparently he’ll just say it to anyone. Lucas is such an “It’s you” whore.

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Be Yourself- Audioslave. Here’s another one of those famous montage songs that One Tree Hill likes to plop at the end of each season finale to sum everything up. Played at the end of season 2 we see Karen going to New Zealand for some summer lovin with Andy, Deb thinking about how she’s about to kill her husband, Nathan moving back home and Peyton just staring at her own art about people always leaving but also sometimes coming back. Does that bother anyone else? You can’t make a sweeping statement and then be like JK sometimes it ends up different just because your friend is sad.

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Lavinia- The Veils. While we’re on the topic of Deb plotting to kill her husband…remember when Dan Scott was poisoned and set on fire? Of course you do because he became mayor JUST to find out who did it. Seems like a lot of work, but whatevs. This song is creepy and weird and I LOVE IT. It played over the big dumpster fire that was once Dan Scott Motors while D-Money’s lifeless body was trapped inside. That is, until Lucas decided to be a hero and pull him to safety. I thank Lucas for that because if he hadn’t, we would have never seen Dan say to a couple of hookers “Take a hike, bitches” in season four.

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Sidewalks [Acoustic]- Story Of The Year. What a great angsty number this is. It also played while Peyton and Jake boned for the first time. Yaassss. Team Jake foreva. What a stud he was…and a GREAT teen father. Of course the Angel of Death had to screw that one up.

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The Adventure- Angels & Airwaves. Here’s a feel good jam from the former singer of Blink 182 and just so that you’ll always have a happy memory associated with it, when Lucas quits bball because his heart can’t hang, Nathan dominates the Ravens and gets his mojo back for a hot winning streak at the end of season three. Direct quote from Nathan “Sex Machine” Scott, “You might wanna stay out of my way for a while.” He also throws down a slam-dunk then runs over to Haley mid-game and says she might want to bang him pre-wedding because he knows how sexy he looks. It’s safe to say that Haley promptly soaks her cheer uniform, because who wouldn’t?

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Lesson Learned- Ray LaMontagne. We can’t always be on a high and that’s why we need to bring it back down with our soulful boy, Ray. He croons on about learning lessons in his raspy voice while Nathan most certainly learns the lesson to never borrow money from thugs again because his preggers wife just got hit by a car. Also Lucas probz learned the lesson to stop being so casj about his shitty heart as he collapses right next to Hales for a little BFF ambulance trip/extended stay. Shall we call this a lesson learned?           

Ride- Cary Brothers. This song midas whale have been written about Peyton and her cool ass Comet. “The boy saw the comet and he felt as though his life had meaning.” That’s a pretty powerful vintage whip right thurr. Lindsey pieces this all together at the altar, which is suuuupes embarrassing for her that it took that long for her to figure out that her fiancé was in love with someone else but anyway we get a nice little flashback to Lucas towing Peyton’s car and her being a real twat to him.

Boston- Augustana. It’s unfortunate that this song is named after the city I just aggressively moved out of but what’re you gonna do. I remember when it first came out I had just gotten back from Spain for a little study abroad stint at the ripe age of 15 and I felt it was cool and cultural to put my AIM away message as “I think I’ll get a lover and fly them out to Spain.” None of which applied to my life but because I had been to Spain I obviously felt like I had the right to use a lyric about lovers and being rich enough to fly them anywhere. Nathan and Haley were lovers who got to fly nowhere because on their way to the airport while this song was so adorably playing and they were glowing in anticipation of honeymoon sex they got rerouted when Nathan jumped into a river to save his hot Uncle Cooper from dying. Hope they got their money back for those tix to London because non-refundable flights can be a real bitch.

Thanks for putting your earphones in, Keith Scott Motors hood up, and taking this dribble over the Tree Hill memory bridge with me. It’s been a real hoot and now you have two full bangalicious OTH mixes to reflect with. So don’t say I never gave you anything.

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A Ranking of Naley’s Rainy Moments

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Every One Tree Hill fan had one couple that they shipped, HARD. Naley was mine. I started my obsession with them because I HAD to root for the tutor nerd getting swept away by the star basketball player and making him into a better person. I realize after a few seasons they became queer as shit but I was already in deep, always…and forever. Anyway, other than having a barf-inducing phrase that they say to each other instead of I love you, Naley’s thing is getting down and dirty in the rain. They took the makeout scene in The Notebook and amplified it, literally going to poundtown every time a storm cloud rolls in. What’s that? You want me to rank each time they used the rain as a lubricant from worst to best?

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Season 8, Episode 11. Darkness On The Edge of Town.

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This is the rainstorm that Jamie almost dies in soap opera style and this episode as a whole SUCKS. This is Naley’s worst rain moment mostly because they don’t have a movie-worthy makeout but also because Haley is wearing a bucket hat. They get a flat tire, Nathan has to fix it and Haley ruins everything by trying to help. She also tells him she can’t have sex with him in the backseat because she’s pregnant. Um, since when can you not have sex while preggers, Hales? It’s raining, that means you get to down to biz, stat, regardless of if your headwear choice is a real boner kill.

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Season 5, Episode 12. Hundred.

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Naley is going through a real rough patch during season 5 after Nathan finally cleans up his mullet and miraculously gains use of his dead legs again then promptly gets caught tongue-ing Nanny Carrie. Haley sends him packing but when he shows up to try to win her back Jamie falls in the pool and almost drowns while they’re fighting, cause the little shit just couldn’t wait until his parents were back together to almost sink to the bottom of the pool. That’s when Haley demands a divorce and it was a dark time for me during their separation. This rain scene is a literal wet dream (get it?) which makes it a real buzzkill. I needed it to be real that there was a rainstorm in the kitchen and all was well with Naley but obviously it took Jamie getting stolen from Lucas’s wedding for them to realize they needed to stay married or something.

Season 9, Episode 13. One Tree Hill.

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In the last episode of the series, there obviously needs to be a quick ode to everything that was great about Naley since they LITERALLY put us through hell for the majority of the season as Nathan lived in a Russian warehouse strapped to a chair and dying. NBD. Hales and Nathan decide to go for a quick walk in the pouring rain and do a little slow dancing to their boy Gavin. As far as rain scenes go this wasn’t their best, but I get what was being accomplished here. Wink, wink, nudge, nudge, Nathan almost died but we decided that wouldn’t be best so we’re just going to remind you that Naley will forever and always be together and using the rain as nature’s aphrodisiac. Got it.

Season 1, Episode 22. The Games That Play Us

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Ah, the rainstorm that started it all…Haley finds pics of Peyton on Nathan’s computer when she’s snooping and she sees that he watches porn. No seriously, she gets mad at him about porn. To prove that he’s not a porn freak, he stands outside her house waiting for her so he can apologize and say that he loves her a whole lot more than porn stars. It starts to rain and thus begins the Naley trend of making up after a fight with a rainy mack sesh. Gavin plays (OF COURSE) and Nathan says I’m gonna have you kiss you and Haley’s all ooookkk if you musttttt as she sashays in her white platform flip flops to get closer to her man candy.

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Season 3, Episode 13. The Wind That Blew My Heart Away

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Right in line with the last one, here’s another circumstance that Naley used natural weather patterns to heal their relationship probz. Hales is stressed because she wants to go to Stanford and Nathan wants to go to Duke. You know, typical high school couple issues of choosing which esteemed school to attend for free. They get rained in together and have to deal with all of the fallout from Haley becoming Hannah Montana and going on tour for her junior year of high school. Haley feels bad that she was such a doucher and chose music over their marriage and Nathan reassures her that he was proud of her and he runs out in the rain to show her the newspaper articles and reviews he’s been stockpiling in a shoebox and surprisingly didn’t set on fire when she was away. Obvy the rain ruins them all (only for them to be miraculously revived the next morning) and Haley’s like you don’t need that you’ve got me-cue make out on top of a car. Double dicey, Chris Keller (Tyler Hilton) is playing in the background. DON’T BRING HIM UP, OTH…it’s STILL TOUCHY.

Season 2, Episode 1. The Desperate Kingdom of Love

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Remembz how Haley wanted to save herself until marriage? Yeah it seems like a real distant memory but the result of their porn fight/makeup led to Haley being like hey let’s have sex now because water is falling from the sky and creating a little wet t shirt contest scenario. And then Nathan proposes to her and Haley says the most realistic thing she’ll ever utter about their relationship when she says, “Nathan, this is not normal. Couples just don’t get married in high school.” BUT THEN OBVIOUSLY SAYS YES. And then it’s kewl for them to have sex cause like they’re getting married. Bonus points for “She Will Be Loved” by Maroon 5 playing during this scene and tugging at every teen heart string.

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Season 3, Episode 17. Who Will Survive, And What Will Be Left of Them

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All it took was for Uncle Keith to get murdered and suddenly Naley was like shit, let’s be togets for real cause YOLO. Some of their happiest moments were in the episodes after Keith got shot when everyone else was grieving and they were catching some alone time to get busy after the funeral. They’re obsessing over each other and Haley’s like if only it were raining and then I would be hornier, and Nathan’s like I gotchu-I make it rain on dem hoes. He takes her to the football field and they have a cute little picnic where Nathan tells Haley that just in case he also gets shot by his dad, he wants her to know how happy he is and that she can have all of his belongings in his will. The sprinklers turn on and Haley is so impressed that Nathan knew the lawn care schedule at the high school that she makes out with him. “It’s not possible to be this in love!!!”, Haley declares and I sigh as they get arrested for public indecency on the football field.

Thanks to this superfan making a supercut, you can watch all rainy scenes in one place…don’t say I never gave you anything (again to be clear I had no part in creating this.)

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