JUice

Weekly JUice

Week of 1/25/16

1. This meaty eye candy knocked up his wife again.

It’s no surprise that John bulked up for a movie role and then gave Emily one seductive side glance and suddenly she was pregnant. Three cheers for this hawt couple and their second model baby. May your conception story be passed on for generations to come. If you want to get your wife preggers, don’t skip arm day at the gym.

2. Remember Zayn? He’s great at tongueing Gigi Hadid.

After a lot of twitter sass and one leaked song a while back, Zayn has finally shown the world what he left 1D for. So that he can play tonsil hockey with one of the hottest models in the world. Hey, I don’t hate the hustle here. What I do hate is this music video. It’s trippy and weird and I could’ve gone without seeing a flower blossom out of a woman’s lady bits. I see what Zayn is trying to do here with this smooth Usher-esque bedroom eyes jam and it’s alright, but what steals the shine is obviously my girl Gigi. She is flawless in this video, even when she’s crying blood. (seriously, thanks for the nightmares Zayn.)

3. This song still bangs.

Dax Shepard and Kristen Bell (one of my fave Hollywood couples) took some time off from doing Samsung commercials to cut together this Toto music video from their vacation like 4 years ago. What it brought to light is that this song is still a banger. Don’t sleep on Toto, guys. In addition, we learned that even on safari, where there is probably limited access to makeup and hair products, Kristen still looks like a dime piece and I’m real jelly.

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4. Two Holy Men Meet.

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The pope had the distinct honor of meeting all that is holy Leonardo Dicaprio this week. They shared some picture books, a laugh, and Leo spoke Italian at the Vatican and every woman in the world needed to change her undies. The pope bid him farewell with “Go forth my son, to love and serve the Lord, and win an Oscar finally.” (Probably.)

 

5. 1D Baby Debut!

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Meet my little lad, Freddie ūüĎ∂

A post shared by Louis Tomlinson (@louist91) on

As reported on last week’s JUice, Louis has a son and only a week later he already made the little nugget insta-famous. AND HE HAS A NORMAL NAME! What a treat. Freddie Tomlinson snuggles right up to his dad’s tats and apparently no recognition is given to the baby mama who pushed that human through her vag.

BONUS: Rihanna and Drake collab it out again.

Spend the weekend deciding if this song is the most annoying thing on this earth or musical genius worthy of a Tidal-only release. I’m leaning toward annoying, but that’s just me.

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JUice

Weekly JUice

Week of 1/18/16

1a. Zac Efron Week

Bad Grandpa (the movie where Zac shows off his abs and then some) premieres today and therefore pReSs WeEk for ya boy Zac. He grinds that leather-bound package all up on Ellen, sends a casually insensitive MLK tweet with the black fist bump emoji, and then the Neighbors 2 Trailer debuted, where he looks like a human ken doll. WHAT A WEEK!

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I woke up like this @jimmykimmellive #dirtygrandpa

A post shared by Zac Efron (@zacefron) on

1b. High School Musical Reunion

One thing that apparently Zac couldn’t carve out some time for (because he was busy getting paid millions to flex his six pack) was join the rest of the cast of nobodies (literally, they admit it in the above vid) for the 10 year High School Musical reunion. Guess we’re not all in this together, hmm Zac? ZING. The fact that they had the balls to call this a reunion with a mere video message from Zac where he blows a kiss¬†is just downright embarrassing. But I’ll let it slide because everyone but Vanessa is hurtin for a paycheck and a little screen time. HSM gave us a lot of sexually confused boys who couldn’t choose between a mediocre basketball team and drama club and I will forever be grateful. Especially since I got home just in time for the final Breaking Free number Wednesday night and got to see Zac twirl all over the joint in a harsh whoutfit.

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2. J.Fall Kills It

To promote the musical Hamilton, Jimmy Fallon pops off with a bajillion flawless musical impressions. Seriously, he’s a freak. For some reason when I was little I could do Celine Dion’s accent when she said “me and my best girlfriends.” It’s weird, but I nailed for like probably one solid year before I lost the ability to do my best diva French-Canadian voice. It was fleeting, but that’s the closest I’ve ever gotten to being good at impressions. Therefore, I respect them that much more.

3. NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO. WHY?!?!

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4. This guy’s a dad.

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Louis Tomlinson and his baby mama/”friend” brought a son into this world last night. Not sure how realistic it is to raise an infant and tour the world with a boy band, so even though they haven’t officially announced that they’re dunzo…goodbye 1D…you now have a DAD in the group. YiiiiiiiiKez.

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5. Mariah third time’s a charm Carey.

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James Packer, the fourth richest man on the ENTIRE CONTINENT OF AUSTRALIA, put a heavy ass rock on Mariah’s finger. I’m guessing this guy’s a step up from baby super-fan Nick Cannon but who knows how long he’ll put up with Mimi and her notorious a-hole personality.

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JUice

Weekly JUice

Week of 7/13/15

1. Louis Tomlinson of One Direction put his 1D into a girl sans condom, thus leading to baby. 

NEW YORK, NY - AUGUST 23:  Louis Tomlinson of One Direction performs on NBC's "Today" at Rockefeller Center on August 23, 2013 in New York City.  (Photo by Charles Norfleet/Getty Images)

This year has been a real trying time for One Direction fans with Zayn peacing and now it’s been announced that Louis will become babydaddy to a stylist in LA. I think my favorite part is the fact that someone was legitimately quoted as saying “It was a surprise at first but he and Briana are very, very close friends and this has brought them even closer.”(via People) Oh, really? They also wanted to reassure everyone that Briana is not a crazy fan girl for One Direction by pointing out that she just went to her first 1D concert recently. So I’m assuming Louis threw her some free tix and a backstage pass once he found out she was growing his baby inside of her. What a guy. Quick side rant: If you’re that famous and presumably bedding that many chicks, MAYBE MIX IN A CONDOM EVERY ONCE IN A WHILE.

2. Sisters looks bomb.com. The first peek at the latest Amy Poehler and Tina Fey movie came out this week and I think I speak for everyone who likes to laugh that this will be appointment movie date. PLUS Ike Barinholtz is in it and Maya Rudolph so it’s pretty much guaranteed to be goof city.

3. Jennie Garth had a Pinterest wedding. For all you fairy hipsters out there, Jennie Garth threw a backyard wedding complete with lanterns and antique shit hanging all around and a very non-traditional dress, that I actually kinda dig. You go girl, find your Dylan.

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4. Emmy Noms are in. Shout out to Taraji P. Henson for snagging a Lead Actress in a Drama nom for Cookie in Empire because she is FIERCE and deserves to take home the W. Also Amy Schumer is having A year-her variety show on Comedy Central was nominated. For full list, click here.

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5. ESPY’s Highlights. The ESPY’s were on Wednesday night and Joel McHale had a pretty great monologue that started off with a bang as Victor Espinoza hopped up onto his back and rode him onto the stage.

Other highlights included this:

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Yikes Hannah, no shout out, almost seemed like he thought about doing it then was like WHOA just kidding and caught himself mid-sentence so tried to cover it up by thanking his friends again. Here’s to you Hannah, you’re such a great FRIEND. Also a little awk that the guy who legitimately refused to wear a Yankees hat in Gone Girl would present this award to the greatest Yankee of all time but I also won’t dispute any extra camera time with Ben.

and this:

LOS ANGELES, CA - JULY 15:  Actors Jake Gyllenhaal (L) and Rachel McAdams attend The 2015 ESPYS at Microsoft Theater on July 15, 2015 in Los Angeles, California.  (Photo by Steve Granitz/WireImage)rachel-mcadams-jake-gyllenhaal-southpaw-espy

Dayyyyyuuumnnnnn. But like…where’s Riggs?

BONUS: It’s Luke Bryan’s BDAY. He’s super old today, but that’s not what matters, what matters is that he keeps doing this:

large_95d267bfBecause-Luke-Bryan-literally-just-made-me-pass-out luke-bryan-1-o

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