JUice

Weekly JUice

Week of 2/12/18

1. LEAVE JEN ALONE.

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Jennifer Aniston is America’s Sweetheart. You know it, I know it, Brad Pitt knows it. As America’s Sweetheart, the media can’t stop crawling up her ass and being all up in her shit 24/7. When Brad left her for that skankwad homewrecker pretending to be a charitable activist and they adopted 5 million kids, everyone was like POOR JEN — SHE’LL BE SINGLE FOREVER. When she started dating Justin Theroux they were all like OMG she’s rebounding and trying to find love when her heart is still broken. When it was clear that they were in it for the long haul but hadn’t tied the knot yet, it was all about how she’ll never settle down again, which quickly turned into a 5 year bump watch. When she declared that she wasn’t pregnant it was like poor Jen she’ll never have a family. And now LOOK WHERE WE ARE, AMERICA. You did this. You broke up Jen and Justin. Not me. You. And now homegirl has to listen to everyone dissect her 7 year relationship, say how it never worked because she never got over Brad, then speculate a Brad/Jen reunion for the next 5 years. Brad is human garbage. Jen is a G-D goddess. I hope you think long and hard about what you did here, America. Also, Jen, give me a call gurl, I’m also going through a breakup and wouldn’t hate it if you swept me away to Mexico for a little recovery girls trip ❤ We’ll get through this together.

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2. Shotgun Wedding.

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I was once a shipper of Amy Schumer. Mostly because I’m a disgusting female who doesn’t like to pretend that I’m ladylike in any way, shape, or form. Then Amy started going a little too far. She was embracing the “I’m a slut who probably has a drinking problem” a little TOO much and I was like hmmm, not my cup of tea. My tipping point was probably around the time when I saw her standup show live and she was visibly hammered. Could’ve just run into you at a bar like that tbh, didn’t need to drop $40 on a ticket. All opinions aside, Amy casually got married to a guy she’s been dating for like 3 months. It was a secret wedding but OF COURSE cool grl Jennifer Lawrence was there because they’re like besties or whatever. Gonna be honest, already looks like JLaw stole the spotlight. Anyway, hope it works out for ya!

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3. Scary Em is Back.

Here’s the latest music video for Eminem’s unlikely collab with everyone’s favorite angel-voiced Brit. I loved the song when I first heard it because well, Ed. Didn’t really expect it to take this dark turn with the video but oh boy, it did. In a borderline documentary (honestly not sure if it’s real or fake) Eminem basically destroys a marriage and forces the married chick he’s been boning to get an abortion. YIKES Em. NOT GREAT.  Since I’m a big music video guy, I lapped up every minute of this extended drama but if we’re comparing volatile relationship music videos from Eminem, Love the Way You Lie still takes the cake for me.

4. Ginger Jules.

I’m not sure how one “identifies as a red head” but it is 2018 after all and apparently that’s a thing too. Being born knowing you’re supposed to have a different hair color as if that affects your personality/outlook on life. Or like, choosing to be a ginger. HMMM. After JoJo’s season on the Bachelorette I decided that I needed a hair change, as every girl does from time to time, but I didn’t want to fully commit. So I collected pics of sunkissed ombre / scattered blonde pieces just like this…

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…and true to every hair coloring experience ever, I unexpectedly walked out of the salon a full-on blonde. Thank God it was summer and I was tan or we would’ve had a real situation on our hands. Either way, I didn’t post on Instagram the minute my head was dyed that I was born to be a blonde. And I didn’t act any different because my hair was bleached. I probably would’ve worn a backwards trucker hat every day that summer anyway. CRUSHED IT. #onceyougoblondeyoudresslikealez

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But anyway, enough about me, thank God she matched her eyebrows though.

5. I just love Blake so much.

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Weekly JUice

Week of 9/19/2016

I’m doing a JUice this week…for OBVIOUS reasons.

1. Dusty Rose Levine. Congrats on your baby girl Adam and Behati, also congrats on naming her an adjective to describe a situation where things are dirty. Oh there’s a cobweb in the corner and a lot of leftover dirt piled up. That’s just our daughter Dusty. In a world (Hollywood) full of asshole names, this HAS to take the cake. And it’s not even because my family and I have spent an entire year calling things we don’t like “dust”. Although that certainly plays a factor. It’s also because whenever I hear the “name” Dusty, I will forever and always immediately think of Chris Brander with a mouth full of blood and probably a few teeth, spitting out “Dusty Lee” in fear.

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But yeah, Dusty Rose will definitely never get made fun of for that name. Snaps for you.

2. RiP Brangelina. There’s no way I could’ve done a JUice without including this. When the news broke on Tuesday, I got scooped so hard that I was real bitter about it. My former co-worker who used to make fun of my sister and I for how much celebrity gossip we knew was the first to announce it to me and I was in utter distress. What made it worse was that I was at work and couldn’t keep tabs on all the best Rachel Green gifs flying around as a response. Work sucks, I know. (Little callback to the Blink days, you’re welcome for that.)

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Even though I was PEZZED about not being the first to break the news–and you better bet once I was scooped I took out my megaphone and broke it to everyone around me at work. Unfortunately no one cared but whatevs, I still got the satisfaction. ANYWAY, this news wasn’t in the least bit surprising. Even Jen, the angel (and smokeshow) that she is, was like yeah I saw this coming. It took A LOT longer than anticipated, but we all knew that cheating on your wife and then getting stuck with a bazillion kids is not the way to rebound and Pitt would be over it sooner or later. Rumors are flying around town that he cheated with Marion Cotillard (she’s preggers and it’s not Brad’s so supposedly everyone can buzz off about that theory.) Now he’s under investigation for like shouting at his kids on a plane or something. Look, if the FBI could investigate parents for discipline then we can open the book on my entire childhood when spanking was still a thing. I once hid in my own closet to avoid a spanking. Typs child move though, go to the one place where there’s no escape, to hide. That’s why kids are dumb AF. But regardless, this will play out for like probably the next six months so pop your popcorn and buckle in. And as if it wasn’t blatantly obvious already: HASHTAG TEAM JEN. Seriously she won this breakup like forever ago.

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3. Dad Jokes. 

You know what’s super embarrassing? Being 13 and having your dad do LITERALLY ANYTHING near you. I said EWWW so many times when my dad spoke in my teen years that he used to beat me to it after everything he did. You know what’s even MORE embarrassing? Having your dad, formerly known as MARKY MARK rap about spanking you on a live radio show. YIIIIIIIIKES, Ella. I bet you regret telling dear ole dad to spit a few bars once he threw that down and then to add insult to injury outed you for losing your phone privileges. That’s like, social suicide. Ella can’t go back to school ever again unless you want her sitting in the bathroom at lunch and that’s obvious. Dad better hand out free Wahlburgers to smooth everything over. Also, I’m going to guess that Ella won’t be able to get a boy to call that contraband cell phone of hers until she’s like 35 with Mahk “I could’ve stopped 9/11” Wahlberg as her father.

4. Merry Christmas from the Tanners. Fuller House just dropped on Netflix in like April of 2016 and everyone “loved” it so much that they’re already announcing season 2 to arrive in early December. TWO SEASONS OF FULLER HOUSE IN ONE YEAR? WHAT DID WE DO TO DESERVE THIS? We laughed at terribly written and really bitter Olsen twins jokes. That’s what we did. Shame on all of you. I watched Fuller House because I’m a sucker for comebacks and I wanted to believe it would be great. Spoiler alert: it wasn’t. It turns out you can’t replicate 90’s gold like a toddler calling a stranger a cheesehead. Shout out to Michelle.

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Fun fact: Full House also premiered 29 years ago this week and what’s impressive about that is last weekend I did a 90’s themed pub crawl wearing a Jesse and the Rippers tee and the majority of our competitors still referenced Forever. Because gr8 music and mullets never die. Let’s forget about the tacky DJ sequel and just live in a world where shirtless Uncle J can ask the sky just what we have…and it will show forever.

5. RYAN GOSLING.

These are the same thing every time but like honestly though, any time we get a coveted appearance from the Gos himself, it deserves it’s own slot on the JUice. Same goes for JT, duhs. Unfortunately he has exclusivity with JFall and probably will never be in one of these.

BONUS: Let’s laugh at people falling.

I’m posting this because like every other BB this summer, I had Closer on repeat. I even went so far as to name my summer pics FB album “We ain’t ever getting older” becuase it’s a personal goal of mine to never get older. Bottom line is that last week I learned that The Chainsmokers are a coupla frat boy doucheronis via their Billboard interview where they talked about how their music is better than God and all they do is drink and get laid. KEWL. The hot one even had the balls to say that MTV screwed him over by having him sing live at the VMA’s and choke real hard. That was your decision to sing amongst an entire show full of lip syncers. Sorry your voice isn’t good, dude. Anyway, if you want to give a lot of dirty looks to your computer, read their full article HERE! Otherwise, just enjoy the above tumble from THE GREATEST MUSICIANS OF ALL TIME. Closer still bangs though.

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JUice

Weekly JUice

Week of 8/3/15

1.This week’s relationships that took a bullet.

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Bad news comes in 3’s. JK apparently if you’re in Hollywood bad news comes in the ending of every long-term marriage all in one summer. NBD but HBD. Gwen Stefani and Gavin Rossdale as well as Reba and Narvel Blackstock (real name?) are this week’s we’ve been together for over 20 years but we’re #overit couples. Not one to be outdone, Miss Piggy also jumped on that bandwagon and was like yeah samesies me and Kermit would also like to promote our soon to be cancelled TV show for the fall so our fictional cartoon relationship has also ended. In much shorter term relationship news, Zayn formerly known as the 5th One Directioner broke off engagement with Perrie Edwards, thus hammering the final nail in the coffin that is his career. Hey Zayn, way to take a big dump on your life in the matter of 4 months, bruh.

2. Where there is death, there is also rebirth.

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Jennifer Aniston decided this would be a good week to finally tell gossip columns to stop yapping about her still being sad about Brad Pitt and tied the knot with Justin Theroux in very celebrity-SURPRISE it’s not a birthday party it’s a wedding in our backyard-fashion! YOU GO, GIRL! Now cue everyone who wants to know why she isn’t pregnant yet because that’s the world that we live in. WHY DON’T YOU WANT KIDS JEN? I’m sure she looked stunning on her wedding day because she’s like in her 40’s and can still get it. Courtney Cox was her maid of honor, obviously. Rachel & Monica 4eva. Rachel and Ross…unfortunately not.

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3. Cecil the lion is now a beanie baby.

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This is not really important news but if I get the opportunity to rant about beanie babies you BET YOUR BOTTOM DOLLAR I’m gonna take it! My grandma got my sisters and I a beanie baby for every occasion as we were growing up. I’m assuming she kept TY in business throughout the 90’s with how many small stuffed animals she purchased from them. Gams also told us that one day these would be worth a lot of money so we should take care of them and protect the tags because they are collectibles. Cut to 3 years ago when my mom couldn’t even get rid of our 100’s of beanie babies for 1 dollar a piece at her neighborhood garage sale (they were marked down to 50 cents a piece) SO ANYWAY, just because a dentist killed a lion that was beloved and everyone is suddenly anti-hunting DOES NOT MEAN YOU CAN CASH IN, TY. The jig is up. Beanie babies SUCK, whether the money goes to a good cause or not, a beanie baby shall never be the reward. Kids of our generation should not be duped into thinking this stupid bean-filled animal will be worth millions someday, otherwise they might end up in their 20’s posing with their collection and special club-holder VIP card on instagram. End rant.

4. Drake is winning life. Not only did he DEMOLISH Meek Mill in a rap battle as well as public powerpoint humiliation, he also reunited with his Degrassi crew and gave all of us the warm throwback fuzzies. WHATEVER IT TAKES, I KNOW I CAN MAKE IT THROUGH. Notice that none of his ex-lovers (Ashley, Hazel, Ellie) made an appearance. Perhaps they’re scorned ex-GFs?!

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5. Watch some videos. Here’s the Zoolander 2 sequel that plays a lot off of the first Zoolander’s jokes but whatever because it looks funny and I’ll probably still go see it so the joke’s on me.

Part 2 of trailers/teasers, here’s a peek at Empire season 2 and ALL HAIL Cookie’s top knot. Even better news, it has been confirmed that Cookie will get a spinoff for all her fabulous glory. Yaassss.

Bonus: Remember Macklemore FT. Ryan Lewis? Macklemore had an oops baby and therefore released some new dad music featuring Ed Sheeran AS WELL AS Ryan Lewis. Give it a listen… (Note: Macklemore has prettier rings than me. WTF.)

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