JUice

Weekly JUice

Week of 1/25/16

1. This meaty eye candy knocked up his wife again.

It’s no surprise that John bulked up for a movie role and then gave Emily one seductive side glance and suddenly she was pregnant. Three cheers for this hawt couple and their second model baby. May your conception story be passed on for generations to come. If you want to get your wife preggers, don’t skip arm day at the gym.

2. Remember Zayn? He’s great at tongueing Gigi Hadid.

After a lot of twitter sass and one leaked song a while back, Zayn has finally shown the world what he left 1D for. So that he can play tonsil hockey with one of the hottest models in the world. Hey, I don’t hate the hustle here. What I do hate is this music video. It’s trippy and weird and I could’ve gone without seeing a flower blossom out of a woman’s lady bits. I see what Zayn is trying to do here with this smooth Usher-esque bedroom eyes jam and it’s alright, but what steals the shine is obviously my girl Gigi. She is flawless in this video, even when she’s crying blood. (seriously, thanks for the nightmares Zayn.)

3. This song still bangs.

Dax Shepard and Kristen Bell (one of my fave Hollywood couples) took some time off from doing Samsung commercials to cut together this Toto music video from their vacation like 4 years ago. What it brought to light is that this song is still a banger. Don’t sleep on Toto, guys. In addition, we learned that even on safari, where there is probably limited access to makeup and hair products, Kristen still looks like a dime piece and I’m real jelly.

Screen Shot 2016-01-29 at 9.47.58 AM

4. Two Holy Men Meet.

leo

The pope had the distinct honor of meeting all that is holy Leonardo Dicaprio this week. They shared some picture books, a laugh, and Leo spoke Italian at the Vatican and every woman in the world needed to change her undies. The pope bid him farewell with “Go forth my son, to love and serve the Lord, and win an Oscar finally.” (Probably.)

 

5. 1D Baby Debut!

Meet my little lad, Freddie 👶

A photo posted by Louis Tomlinson (@louist91) on

As reported on last week’s JUice, Louis has a son and only a week later he already made the little nugget insta-famous. AND HE HAS A NORMAL NAME! What a treat. Freddie Tomlinson snuggles right up to his dad’s tats and apparently no recognition is given to the baby mama who pushed that human through her vag.

BONUS: Rihanna and Drake collab it out again.

Spend the weekend deciding if this song is the most annoying thing on this earth or musical genius worthy of a Tidal-only release. I’m leaning toward annoying, but that’s just me.

Standard
Movies, Television

Golden Globes 2016 Recap

LEOISPERFECT

Our first Golden Globes post the Tina and Amy era and they were sorely missed. They weren’t even physically there to at least give us a glimpse of what we were missing. Ricky Gervais is famous for hosting the Globes a whole bunch of times and then getting fired because everyone had outrage over how mean his comedy was. And he certainly welcomed himself back without toning it down an inch last night. His first joke was about Caitlyn Jenner not doing a service to female drivers. Welp, someone actually died in that car accident so I’m gonna guess this one won’t go over so well but what a nice kickoff to the evening to see the uproarious crowd laughter for something so offensive. His monologue had a lot of jabs at females all around and he gave more than a few celebs the uncomfies. Good for him. His tendency to giggle at his own jokes and his British accent pretty much get him out of everything.

ricky

Full Discloszh: this recap may be missing a few things because my power went out mid-show like I live in a cabin out in the wilderness or something and I missed some action while the cable box slowly rebooted. The hardships I go through just to deliver a good recap. If the power tries to F with me again during Awards Season, National Grid is going to hear a thing or two from me.

Update: As of 11:21pm my power left me again only this time I was by myself and obviously convinced that someone cut it and was coming to kill me like I was Peyton Sawyer awaiting the wrath of Psycho Derek or something. #Blessed to be alive right now.

NO:

-The first bit of the night is Jonah Hill pretending to be the bear from The Revenant by making dumb jokes about honey while wearing a bear hat. It was bad on its own, but then half of it was bleeped out so what’s the fun in that? The only saving grace was hearing Channing “shitty comb over” Tatum ask Jonah what Leonardo Dicaprio tasted like.

 

-Rachel Bloom, lead actress of CW show “Crazy Ex-Girlfriend” unexpectedly wins and basically just gets onstage and shouts a lot while her boobs struggle to be freed from her very tight dress. In a one-sentence summary, my friend Lindsey said, “That was something.”

640_rachel_bloom_504399818

-The Golden Globes have been happening for a while now. In which case I would assume they have had ample time to solve the seating chart sitch. There should be no waiting as winners walk from the back of the theater and weave their way through tables to get to the stage.

– Lady Gaga and Taylor Kinney just had sex on a canvas and blasted pics of it everywhere but it must not have been that good because she didn’t even thank him in her speech. She was speechless though so that’s her excuse (as the music played her out.)

-It must’ve been a real rowdy crowd this year or someone in the control room got a little slap happy with the bleep but pretty much half of the show was cut out and the crowd was constantly being shushed like a classroom full of kindergarteners. Listen, I get that you’re trying to be family friendly but there’s a way to let the adults in the room insinuate what the joke is by bleeping out a word or two. I feel like I missed half the show (or at least the best parts) because of the over-censoring.

 

YES!:

-This dead guy.

-In a show where several presenters kind of just babbled and tried out new material that didn’t work so hot, Eva Longoria and America Ferrara nailed it with their bit about being confused for other Latina actresses. Accidental racism in Hollywood, it’s funny because it’s true.

-Jaimie Alexander (who was best dressed of the night, according to me) couldn’t read the teleprompter fast enough and asked who was typing it. This conjured up images of someone ferociously typing everything backstage and made me giggle. Also as a fellow shitty teleprompter operator–c’mon Jaimie. Act like a pro and adapt.

-A Schu & J. Law introduce clips of their movies AKA they just babble a bunch of words because Hollywood–and basic betches–are obsessed with their friendship so they could’ve pretty much done anything and people would eat that shit right up.

Screen Shot 2016-01-10 at 9.09.12 PM

-Will Ferrell and Mark Wahlberg wished us a Happy New Year with their eyewear and Will politely asked everyone to stop snickering and chatting & acting like real buttholes. This might’ve been the only time I laughed out loud. Quickest way to get a full belly laugh from me is the word butthole. True story of an eight-year-old boy stuck in a 24-year-old female’s body.

Screen Shot 2016-01-10 at 9.33.52 PM

-Don’t you even think of getting in Gaga’s way, Leo.

gagaleo

-Denzel wins the big award that is decided beforehand and his acceptance speech is still a hot mess. Bonus points for him and the wifey basically doing a sketch of my parents onstage though. He can’t find his speech, then he can’t read it because he doesn’t have his glasses. His wife can’t read it either because she doesn’t have her glasses. Welcome to the glasses shuffle every single time I try to show my parents something on my phone.

-Ryan Gosling drool city.

-Taraji wins for her role as Cookie and hands out cookies on her way up, which made me love her even more AND get real hungry. The sass comes out to play as she shouts at the guy helping her up the steps to get off her train. They try to play her off but they gonn’ learn that you don’t cut off Cookie. She takes her sweet ass time obviously.

-J.Law wants to be buried next to David O. Russell (Fun Fact.)

-LEO FINALLY WINS!!!!!!!! Always the bridesmaid, never the bride, Leonardo Dicaprio wins lead actor for The Revenant and of course gives a classy and composed speech, even as he’s being played off. The nerve that these turds had to play music over his long-awaited shining moment. He even found time to shout it out to his friends—~~YoU KnoW wHo u R~~ MD.BA.JL.JH

Screen Shot 2016-01-11 at 12.19.07 AM

-I feel like Ricky Gervais harassing Mel Gibson on stage should’ve been hilarious but we didn’t get to hear half of it. We did get to hear Ricky’s last words of the show: “From myself and Mel Gibson, Shalom.” PS this is what was bleeped and it made good ole Mel real uncomfy.

mel

 

In summary: If the Globes were this boring, I’m terrified for the Oscars.

Click here for full list of winners.

Standard
JUice

Weekly JUice

Week of 10/12/15

We are back, we are baaaaacckkkkkkk and we are getting Doug baccckkkkkkkk! You’re welcome for that lovely outdated 2010 pop culture reference that you probably are still trying to figure out. I’m trying to bring the Hangover back. For no reason whatsoever. Anyway, I took a two week hiatus from the JUice because the whole point of a blog on Friday with the week’s top headlines is that it’s interesting and these past two weeks the pop culture news cycle has been just about as exciting as my day to day game of should I go somewhere so that my neighbors see that I’m still alive and well enough to leave my apartment instead of rotting on my couch binge watching Parks & Rec. Although that may sound very disgusting I’d like to charitably add that I have been maintaining a normal shower routine. Yay, me! Anyway, shit went dizown this week so the JUice is back and you can thank me later. Or now. Whatever works in your schedule, pencil me in.

1. Leo Dicaprio Engaged.

leokelly

The king of all kings, the colossus of clout, the great LEONARDO DICAPRIO apparently, supposedly, sources say, put a ring on it. And the “it” is a chick my age so we can just kindly go back in time and stab an ice pick into my 1997 little girl heart as I fell in love with Titanic Leo and dreamed of the day we would marry. His fiancee, Kelly Rohrbach is an actress/swimsuit model (obviously)–yawn–my grandma once told me I should be a model and I was like No, Gams, I don’t want to intimidate the other girls in the Sports Illustrated swimsuit edition. Whatevz, they also clearly share a love of biking as pictured above, not for nothing but I’ve recently taken up biking and usually take a spin around town every day. But if it’s this girl he wants then FINE. I won’t be bitter. Also to be completely honest this could all be about as true as the time i reported Jeter was buying a house in Central New York–it’s not People official yet so we’ll just go ahead and assume it’s a rumor and that Leo is still waiting for the “one”(wink).

2. Zayn-Free 1D is PERFECT. I’m not afraid to shout it from the rooftops that I like 1D without Zayn sooo0oo0ooo much better. They released Perfect today, listen here, and I’ve had it on repeat all morning long. Obviously as far as celeb news goes they couldn’t let it slide without making comparisons to TSwift and saying it’s Harry’s response to Style (which was OBVIOUSLY about him.) I guess with lyrics like “If you like late night driving with the windows down” and “If you’re looking for someone to write your breakup songs about” it’s pretty much an open and shut case but that doesn’t mean they’re not going to each get badgered with questions about it. EITHER WAY, this song is perfect and so is present-day 1D.

3. Chrissy Teigen Preggers.

There’s been a lot of badgering Chrissy about when she’s gonna get knocked up already and finally about a month ago she was like hey assholes I’m having a difficult time getting pregnant so maybe shut your fat traps and let me live. Well her and John Legend just announced in an adorable instagram way of course so obviously I’m happy for them as a beautiful couple about to make a model child but also might have to unfollow Chrissy on Twitter once the little nugget pops out if she’s going to be as candid as I think she is about this topic. I stand firmly on team no babies, but glad to see they made it through their struggles and hope the baby is healthy.

4. Jasmine & Aladdin duet 23 years later.

Ok this was being tossed around because the original singers of A Whole New World paired up again on GMA to perform and although it made me nostalgic for the Aladdin days, I think I would have preferred to watch cartoons on a magic carpet ride over two humans who do not look like Aladdin and Jasmine, gazing into each other’s eyes while a bunch of adults lined up behind a piano watched them with ferociously nodding heads. It made me real uncomfy. I wanted to close my eyes and focus on the magical love but I couldn’t look away from the cringey interaction. Oh yeah and obviously they sound exactly the same so kudos to their voice coaches and stuff. Three cheers for Aladdin making a comeback these days. Still the best Disney movie in the biz–And I’m obviously still the best Jasmine in the biz, NBD but HBD.

1924203_1029610185471_6649_n

5. Kimmy Gibbler can get it.

mrgibbler

Last week casting revealed who would play Gibbler’s ex-husband and he’s a real hottie who also played Jesus one time so he’s now known as “Hot Jesus”…not a bad rep, bro. His name is Juan Pablo Di Pace and unless English isn’t his first language, I’m having a hard time figuring out how these two would end up togets. It will be interesting to see how this plays out, since he’s the ex it’ll be single galz on the scene with Kimmy, Steph and DJ (recently widowed ala copy cat Danny Tanner style) all on the singles grind. Although Steve is back–just as I predicted he would be, so I’m guessing Deej isn’t single for very long. I don’t think I need to reiterate how disappointed I will be if Fuller House goes the way of Girl Meets World in spin-off land.

BONUS: Zack Morris & AC Slater selfie.

HASHTAG BUDDY BANDS.

Standard