Television

Emmy’s 2015 Recap

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If I didn’t have boozy root beer to get me through last night’s awards, I would have absolutely snoozed right through them. There were not enough SNL cast members bits and Andy Samberg told a bunch of dad jokes. If you didn’t catch my Red Carpet blog, I’ll just play my tiny violin one more time when I announce that simply by staying hydrated, I quite possibly ended the life of my fairly new Macbook. Come hell or high water though, I couldn’t let my thousands of screaming fans down and so I busted out the ole quill and ink during the show last night and took notes on some parchment paper… then my friend Lindsey lent me her laptop for the eve so I could deliver the goods. Someday she’ll receive royalties for this…today’s not that day. Anyway, I just wanted to make sure everyone properly ‘preciated the dedication I have to being the saltiest of Ju’s.

Lows:

-We have an immediate low when Andy Samberg kicks off the show with “Justin Timberlake is not going to be here, let’s get that out of the way.” WHAT AN OUTRAGEOUS LETDOWN. I hated Andy immediately. (FTR there WAS no JT…or JFALL for that matter.)

-Andy did two musical bits that made me want to slice my ears right off, the opener where he was a smelly underground creature who binge-watched every show and the unfortunately bloody “Emmy’s Can Kill” number later in the show.

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-A pretend beef between Andy and Amy where they just pan to Amy giving a dirty look. This would have been 10,000 times funnier if he was talking and Amy stormed the stage and said ” ANDY, WHAT’S GOOD?”

-John Stamos takes the stage with Gina Rodriguez where they make everyone uncomfy by hitting on each other, I don’t even recall them presenting an award. Although I would give my left leg to have Uncle Jesse get all up on me and whisper sweet nothings in my ear.

-Empire stars Taraji P. Henson and Terrence Howard present and ooze the awksies. They try to banter but it’s weird and ends in a cheek smooch not a minute too soon.

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-Olive Kitteridge wins 1 trillion awards, which is great for something no one had ever heard of, also sets up Andy for some new dadtastic material:

-Tracy Morgan makes his comeback to a standing O, gets serious for a minute then quickly says he’s gon get a lot of women pregnant at the after parties. Eeekkk.

-Apple Music debuts a new commercial with Taraji, Kerry Washington and Mary J. Blige where they essentially embody every girls night pregame ever and listen to 90’s hip hop and dance. Stop trying so hard, Apple.

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-There’s a quick break for a guy to get onstage and talk about college students and states “Today’s college students are tomorrow’s Emmy winning artists.” This should probably be the tagline of Marist College’s Radio/TV/Film major. Slap that in the brochure. #NotBitterAtAll #PerpetuallyFunemployed

Highs:

-Hollywood’s leading men show us that the Emmy’s aren’t worth picking up the razor for.

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-Apparently it was like 1 billion degrees in LA last night and therefore everyone had the shiniest of foreheads. STARS SWEAT JUST LIKE US!

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-Andy MOSTLY sucked, but here were his two best one liners, in my honest opinion: “Racism is over. Don’t fact check that,” from his monologue when he talked about how this is the most diverse group of nominees ever. And while introducing Adrian Brody to the stage, “The only person I can stand next to and say I’ve got a cute little button nose.” This was awesome because Brody had to take the stage after hearing that.

-“We Are Amy.” Two funny Amy’s present the first award, get a makeup and hair touchup before taking the stage and then talk about how they’re going to be judged for what they wore (sarrryyy) and how Amy’s going to black out later. Out of all the presenters, these two were best at actually being funny.

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-Ricky Gervais uses his time presenting to pretend he won an Emmy since he was snubbed before…this is only funny because everyone hated Ricky and shit all over him when he hosted and he knows it so he milks his stage time just to irritate people.

-James Corden mocks the vote counters of Ernst & Young, then selfies with them.

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-Jimmy Kimmel announces that he could easily give the Emmy to whoever he wants, like Joey Tribbiani for example, then eats the card with the winner on it. The only thing that makes this entertaining is that Matt LeBlanc didn’t win and showed that he didn’t love the Friends dig.

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-Best moment of the night is obviously awarded to Amy Poehler…in an excrutiatingly boring show, she managed to make me giggle uncontrollably just by throwing on a hoodie and some shades in her DGAF act while being nominated for Parks & Rec. The camera panned to her multiple times for reaction shots and it was gold every single time.

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-Regina King wins (I’m guessing it’s a long time coming since she was in A Cinderella Story many moons ago) and her gal pal Taraji presents it then screeches for her. What a ride or die friend.

-Andy Samberg gives out login info for HBO Go, which is nice for people who don’t have HBO and really want to see what this Olive Kitteridge bologna is all about, but what I could really use is a Hulu login for The Mindy Project this season. PS if you missed it: username-khaleesifan3@emmyhost.com, password-password1

-Amy Schumer wins for Inside Amy and is so excited and flustered that she thanks her head writer first who “had a baby like 10 seconds ago” and whoever created her smokey eye. Keep doing you, girl.

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-Jon Hamm beached whales it onto the stage for his W, except he looks like a stealth agent instead of a floundering sea urchin like I absolutely would have. He gets real serious after that…BOOOOOO.

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-Viola Davis makes history with her win and Taraji hugs the shit out of her proving to be the best hype girl, even when she loses. I would like her to come over and cheer for me as I accomplish day to day tasks.

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Full List of Winners:

Supporting Actress, Comedy: Allison Janney, Mom

Comedy Series, Writing: Veep

Supporting Actor, Comedy: Tony Hale, Veep

Guest Actor in Comedy Series: Bradley Whitford, Transparent

Guest Actress in Comedy Series: Joan Cusack, Shameless

Director, Comedy Series: Jill Soloway, Transparent

Lead Actor, Comedy Series: Jeffrey Tambor, Transparent

Lead Actress, Comedy Series: Julia Louis-Dreyfus, Veep

Reality Competition: The Voice

Writing, Limited Series Drama: Jane Anderson, Out of Carriage

Supporting Actress, Limited Series, Drama: Regina King, American Crime

Director of Limited Series Drama: Olive Kitteridge

Supporting Actor, Limited Series Drama: Bill Murray, Olive Kitteridge

Lead Actress, Limited Series Drama: Frances McDormand, Olive Kitteridge

Lead Actor, Limited Series Drama: Richard Jenkins, Olive Kitteridge

Outstanding Limited Series: Olive Kitteridge

Writing, Variety Series: Daily Show with Jon Stewart

Variety Sketch: Inside Amy Schumer

Directing, Variety Series: Daily Show with Jon Stewart

Variety Talk Series: Daily Show with Jon Stewart

Guest Actor, Drama Series: Reg E. Cathey, House of Cards

Guest Actress, Drama Series: Margo Martindale, The Americans

Drama Series, Writing: Game of Thrones

Supporting Actress, Drama: Uzo Aduba, Orange is the New Black

Directing, Drama Series: David Nutter, Game of Thrones

Supporting Actor, Drama: Peter Dinklage, Game of Thrones

Lead Actor, Drama: Jon Hamm, Mad Men

Lead Actress, Drama: Viola Davis, How to Get Away with Murder

Outstanding Comedy Series: Veep

Outstanding Drama Series: Game of Thrones

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JUice

Weekly JUice

Week of 8/24/15

1. Biebs is Back and wants to know what do you mean?

So the Biebster did his bad boy thing, then rehabbed his image with a very public and much too nice roast and then spent the past month hyping this single every 10 minutes on Instagram. The first few days of celebs joining in was cute, then when it was all I ever saw on the gram, it got annoying real quick and I declared that this song better be the second coming in music for it to ever live up to all of the obnoxiousness. Apparently his version of Best Song Ever is this and a lyric video with a skateboarding punk from an MTV reality show 10 years ago. No seriously. RYAN SHECKLER?! That’s who you went with for this much anticipated single drop? If you ever want to laugh uncontrollably, watch an old clip from Ry Ry’s show and listen to how terrible he is at narrating/reading from a script. It used to be one of my favorite pasttimes to talk in Ryan Sheckler voice to annoy everyone around me. “When I was little….MY mom….and MY dad….got divorced.” Anyway, I got sidetracked, the moral of the story is this song is lame.

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2. J.Law and Amy Schumer piano dance. These two goofbombs are the newest BFF’s that everyone is spazzing over. Yeah they’re both cool hot blondes who act crazy and make us giggle but I don’t think it’s headlining news that they went on vacay together…what I do think is headlining news is that Billy Joel let them stomp all over his piano at last night’s concert. Good for you, Billy–keeping your cool factor at an all-time high. Here they are grooving around to Uptown Girl. They also are apparently writing a script for a movie that they play sisters in and obviously I will be first in line to see that–especially if it’s anything like Trainwreck cause that was a top notch flick.

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3. VMA’s are this weekend. Instead of revving up with the uncomfies for what is sure to be a disgusting display from host, Miley–let’s instead look forward to gr8 talent and musical moments by watching this fab-tastic 2000’s medley from Tori Kelly who will be performing. Other announcements include Nicki Minaj opening the show again (hopefully with less buhholes, for my eyes’ sake) J.Biebs to perform his new single, Macklemore FT. RYAN LEWIS to perform their new single (which is really weird and makes my ears confused), and Kanye will receive the video vanguard award…for what exactly I’m not quite sure. And last but most, my girl Tay will be debuting the music video for Wildest Dreams which features zebras and Scott Eastwood (lick.) TUNE IN SUNDAY at 9!

4. Taylor Swift has famous friends. For the past few months that the 1989 tour has been happening, we’ve been reminded after each and every surprise guest that Taylor Swift is BFF’s with everyone but nothing prepared us for the mixed bag that her multiple nights in LA brought us. I guess there’s nothing quite like standing in front of a bunch of celebrities and just basically calling them up to the stage one by one to prove you’re all buds who party at each other’s mansions and stuff. (Clearly not jelly at all.) What I found REALLY RUDE was that she had the NERVE to bring JT back for his first post-baby performance after I just embarrassingly begged for that on this very blog. They sang one of my favorite songs and oh yeah I WASN’T THERE. #NOTFINEATALL (Peep any or all of the 1 billion pics and clips below to pretend like you were there…)

5. O-Town is the new 1D. This is not relevant or news but my friend Lindsey (via KardASHLEY) asked me if I had heard the new O-Town song and this one slipped right through the JUice apparently because it came out a while ago. I apologize for not being on top of this but I watched the music video–the song is outrageously good and the music video made me go ALL IN on Dan. Obviously Ashley Parker Angel was the real pretty boy of the group back in the day and when they released Sky Dive last year without him, I couldn’t fully get on board. But now…Ashley who? Dan get at me, bruh. This revelation comes hot on the heels of 1D announcing an upcoming hiatus that we all saw coming and I think we all know who can replace them…

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