Emmys 2022

I gotta be honest I didn’t know the Emmys were last night until I did my typical dinner-time IG scroll and saw red carpet looks. I’m embarrassed to admit that but I like to always keep it real here and the truth is I think I’m getting too old for this shit?! These days Taylor Swift drops a brand new album announcement at midnight after an awards show that I finally realized I’ve aged out of (VMA’s) and I don’t know about it because I’ve been snug as a bug in a rug fast asleep since 10pm. I am ashamed that I’ve fallen off and I will spend this awards season clinging on for dear life. IT’S NOT MY TIME TO GO QUIETLY INTO THE NIGHT YET.

WORST.

I love mint as much as the next basic bitch but this pastel cupcake gown is TOO MUCH. It’s like when everyone in the 80’s thought it was chic to wear a hat and white gloves on their wedding day. The time has passed, bb.

This hair is unforgivable. Jean Smart looks great and has kept it TOIGHT, but my god is that an old lady updo. I can literally smell the aqua net just looking at this photo.

Oh honey, you get that on SHEIN? Use that free shipping code?

I’m gonna be real contradictory when you get to the best dressed and see some white lewks on there but this screamed geekburger to me. I know he’s trying to be chic with his bleached hair and clear framed glasses but it’s all just making me wanna scream NERD. And black loafers to finish it off. Woof.

AH MY EYES! MY EYES!!!! This color is loud and puketastic to begin with and then a translucent human being was like lemme give it a try though, bet I can make it work.

What fresh hell is combining black tights & heels with a cream gown? And the JoAnn Fabrics flowers hot glued to it really are the pièce de résistance.

Alright Julia is trolling a fellow Julia here, right? Like this is a perfectly crafted prank for my red carpet blog. Setting up a BELLY BUTTON DIAMOND HOLE IN THE MIDDLE OF A DRESS. I repeat, A DIAMOND CUTOUT WITH THE BELLY BUTTON DEAD CENTER AS THE MAIN EVENT. ARE YA KIDDING ME, HOMEGURL? I literally cannot even begin to break down the rest of this outfit because BeLLy BuTtOn.

Oh get the hell out of here ole placemat over your shoulders lookin’ ass.

Those hard flares really threw me for a loop, I’m not gonna lie. And the tiny jacket.

I hated this when I first saw it and then it caught the light when she was onstage and the top loofah ruffle has a plastic shine to it and that reignited my hate.

This is a preschool ballet recital costume and you will never be able to convince me otherwise. Grow up, Kaley.

There is a time and a place for this outfit and that time is never and that place is nowhere.

It’s the v-neck of feathers for me, dawg.

I’ll give a million bucks to the person who can locate this good sir’s legs and/or ankles somewhere in this sea of pantaloon fabric.

Look, if your outfit compels me to google “pink outfit lady from Harry Potter” ya know it’s gonna be on the worst dressed list.

Peplum and tiered skirts need to DIE AWAY FROM ME because they are HIDEOUS.

No thanks to the pinned and curled hair and her cape/gown situation looks like a vagina. Sorry, not sorry.

Connie did us all REAL dirty by pulling those luscious locks out of sight. Gurlfrand, your hair is PERFECTION and you’re gonna hide it from us?! RUDE. Also, the dress and cape look cheap AF and we know Connie is TV royalty and will spare no expense for a red carpet look so this is really an off year for her.

Please scroll up and see my fury for peplum and tiered ruffles because THIS DRESS WENT AND DID BOTH. Puke city, population: me.

Black and white gowns will not hesitate to liken you to a killer whale even if you’re the skinniest person alive and I don’t know how no one has learned this yet. Also she’s about 4 inches from a belly button cutout and ENOUGH IS ENOUGH WITH THE MIDSECTION PEEPHOLES.

Not Worst But Also Not Best

I was conflicted on enough looks to create this fun middle category this time around. (AKA something pissed me off about each look to disqualify from best dressed, but they weren’t diamond belly cutout status.)

This is super boring but she looks good. And LOLZ to the Kristin Cavallari 2004 black choker.

I would L-O-V-E this dress if it didn’t have a lumpy butt cape attached to it.

She looks good but we can definitely just snip snip that netting at the top because it is supes unnecessary. Also kinda would’ve respected her more if she showed up in a white button down with sloppy hair & red lip and spoke in the Elizabeth Holmes low octave monotone in her acceptance speech.

Very into the color of this dress and the way her boobs stand at attention perfectly as if she’s got a wax figurine rack. Very not into the slicked back bun and whatever jingle jangles were glued all over this dress.

This is kind of a bitchy post (what’s new) but if everyone is going to SLOBBER all over Zendaya and her fashion sense, wearing a plain black gown with a high pony is a real low-risk snoozeroni. Naturally she looks beautiful and you can’t go wrong with a classic black ball gown but also not impressed and I better not see ONE SINGLE think piece on Zendaya’s high brow fashion choices here.

She’s not posing at a great angle here but I’ve always had a “that’s enough” attitude toward unnaturally high slits. A rhinestone pony though? Hell yea, chick! My humble opinion on her look went right into the trash when she won and got up onstage and BELTED. Queen owned the stage and she can wear whatever the hell she wants.

I’m obsessed with a Barbie pink as much as the next Elle Woods but haven’t been a fan of the variations of matronly blazer dress that we’ve seen in this shade so far this year.

A Jessica Rabbit moment that would’ve KILLED with soft waves and WHY IS EVERYONE PULLING THEIR HAIR BACK HONESTLY MIDAS WHALE JUST WEAR A BASEBALL CAP IF WE’RE GOING TO KEEP SLICKIN IT UP.

SEE ABOVE HAIR RANT.

BEST

God I hope this material is like shapewear and slurps it all in because I can’t even imagine having a midsection that cinched. Lily probably doesn’t eat cheese.

S’cute for Chris to bring his daughter and for that daughter to not ruin this special moment by dressing like a hooch. Supes heartwarming in this day and age.

Purple is having a moment right now ever since Miss Flo blew up Venice with a sassy poutfit so let’s all get down with this sparkle suit.

Obviously we need to address the areola(s) in the room first. I can really only see one, but I imagine both are peeking out. I encourage nipple coverage when there is flash photography involved but I’d be a real a*hole to throw this one away over a little highbeam situation. Dress, hair and red lip are stunning but maybe slap on some pasties next time.

Amy wears a basic primary color dress pretty much every year (much like Reese) and still looks like a babe soda so I accept.

Ooh YES I live for a coordinated handbag moment.

Chessie is an American Treasure and she could’ve worn a curtain from the parlor of the East Wing with a bejeweled belt and a seashell clutch and I’d still bow down. Cause that’s what she did. But damnit if she’s PULLING IT OFF.

Love the colors of this dress and the longsleeve curveball. Plus ever since I unfollowed Chrissy on all social media, I’ve become much less hostile toward her.

Don’t know what the hell this side tie is but it’s working for him.

I mean, come on. It’s actually unfair how hot she looks. DAYUMMNNNNNNN.

This is a restitution pick. For the almost 8 years (yoikes) that I’ve had this blog, I’ve ripped apart Maggie Gyllenhaal on the red carpet each and every time. And it’s time for me to throw her a frickin bone. She looks good here. Her brother is still a butthole and I’ll remember it all too well forever, but Maggie, good job.

Reese kills it every time but I’m loving this little spice in the dress pattern. Get down with your bad self, Reese, branching out from the plain gown.

I am mesmerized by this dress. It’s not the most flattering shape but I can’t stop staring at it. Really wish I could get my digits on it for a pet cause I gotta know what the texture is like. What it looks like is a hard shell that she’s clunking around and we really should be allowed to just show up to the red carpet and get a grab in for research purposes.

Can’t explain it. Don’t know why. But this look is doing it for me. He’s essentially wearing the black version of the outfit that I roasted on Seth Rogen but WHAT A DIFFERENCE color and a cool sexy stare with tousled hair makes. Oh yeah you put that hand in your pocket, Adam.

Equally as into the nude and black combo. Basically the next portion of this list is just me horning it up over men’s fash.

Andrew’s giving off real Malibu Barbie hits Hollywood vibes in this casj cream suit.

Host of the show got the purple memo.

Sexy lil snakeskin coat.

Again, TOTAL CONTRADICTION cause Seth in this trend is yucky, but Cousin Greg looks suave as hell and I don’t even care that he tossed on black shoes with a whoutfit.

SERVING that pattern.

Bob was literally at death’s door like 4 months ago and he’s really lookin chic here.

GORGE.

This man wears a classic black tux like nobody’s biz.

Wooooo buddy, the cast of Ted Lasso sure knows how to dress.

V. flattering style and just enough pizazz not to make it boring. The queen of TV really nailed it.

BEST LOOK OF THE NIGHT:

I guess I’ve matured out of the days when my sister and I would see a brown outfit and call it a poop suit because Quinta was the clear winner of the night for me. Not only am I a fan of Abbott Elementary and was excited when she won, but my girl ate that. (For those of you OLDS, that’s what the kids these days say when someone looks good, according to my sources.) Makeup and hair on point, coordinated shoes and jewels, plus a leg moment and I’m very captivated by that candy wrapper shiny texture on the bodice. Top to bottom beaut.

Red Carpet

Emmys Red Carpet 2021

Is it too soon to say we’re back? Cause I *THINK* we’re finally back with awards shows. Hopefully no more Zoom awards or 15 locations or celebrities pretending they wear masks or socially distance or WUTEVER. If you’ll recall this time last year we were judging people’s pajamas from their laptop screen grabs. It was dismal. AND NOW we’ve got people ACTUALLY getting dressed and walking an ACTUAL red carpet again. Look how far we’ve come! The Emmys were as normal as they could’ve been for an awards show that picked a comedian straight out of the early 2000’s to host. CEDRIC THE ENTERTAINER?! REALLY?! Besides my untethered rage for that, I managed to watch the entire show and grin every single time Ted Lasso scooped an award, beaming from my couch proudly as if my own besties were accepting. Happy for them. Most importantly, I drove 4.5 hours behind MANY human beings who deemed it necessary to ride their brakes on a highway and I still managed to walk into my apt, rip open my laptop and spend several hours giving my esteemed commentary on these fashion choices. Am I a hero? Some may say so. (That’s my polite way of saying I have essentially passed and there’s a very real chance this red carpet blog is one of my worst but I’m nothing if not a slave to the content and I would be very disappointed in myself if I missed the kickoff to awards szn so thanks for supporting me for better or for worse, love you so much, byeeeeeeeeeeeee.)

WORST.

The Pen15 duo lives in the early 2000’s for their middle school characters but that doesn’t mean we have to dress like it too, ladies. The small checkers, bedazzled bow and a tiny purse were all a swing and a miss for me.

What fresh hell is this? A grandfather clock of tassels? Not a chance I’m not tugging on each one of those if I came in contact with this hot mess of a dress.

LET ME BE CLEAR THAT NO MATTER HOW YOU STYLE THE RUFFLE IT STILL SUCKS. Oohh let’s do a serpentine ruffle down her bod. NOOOOPE.

Don’t get it twisted, sister I LOOOOOVE this color. Love love love it. But I cannot stand for so much style confusion. Skirt plus pants plus wrap blazer plus button down? Pick a lane!

Schitt’s Creek got sloppy as hell now that they’re off the air and not nominated for every damn award. They’re like we swept last year so IDGAF what we look like this year. This baggy number is slob kebab city.

Running it back to almost exactly what I said for Mindy at the Met Gala. I’ve seen her absolutely knock my socks off with fashionable and funky lewks. THIS AIN’T IT, SIS. I don’t know why she’s being so lame on red carpets lately but enough with the satin blacks and blues. And HONEY, the giant bow will ALWAYS be a no.

Hella Victorian Queen vibes with a ripped curtain, cake tier style. I half expected a powdered wig to top it all off.

What?! Was this planned or was there an unexpected fall chill in the air in LA? (When it drops below 90 that’s a chill for them.) Because there is no other excuse for this “I just borrowed my husband’s blazer to toss over my evening gown because they were blasting the AC too high” mood.

This is a poop suit.

Does Allison Janney have a mullet? I can’t cosign that hairstyle or the peplum waist and giant shawl.

MEH. I feel like this isn’t doing anything great for her. Not the worst thing I’ve ever seen, certainly better than what the Olsen Twins of darkness would wear on a red carpet, but still I expected more out of Elizabeth.

I’m cool with Seth’s new college professor haircut and glasses combo but I’m not cool with the earth tones suit.

This might throw you off because normally if you’ve read any of my previous red carpets, you’ll notice that I get a fashion boner for bright colors and/or pops of color. So many celebs go for black or classic colors so whenever I see something spicy I jump on it. This is partially because I’m a color whore in my own fashion choices (and will not leave the house with a scrunchie that isn’t coordinated with my outfit) and also because when you blog every red carpet for 7 years, you start to need a little color to keep it FRE$H. Now that I’ve rambled my face off…I do not like this pop of color. I was scrolling down on this picture and was like oohh loving this bronze goddess and then I hit the shoes and almost threw up in my hands. So aggressive. So loud.

If the comically large belts that provide no purpose other than to give you a mid-belly or underboob elastic mark make a comeback I’m OUT ON FASHION FOREVER. Giant belts were the WORST. Actually, gaucho pants were the worst but at least they were comfy as hell. Strapping on a belt in the middle of your body made you look like Trunchbull coming back from a shotputting competition AND ALSO pushed your lumps to other places and basically felt like you were wearing a waist trainer in public. UGH don’t make us go back to that. *Note Kathryn is also wearing a peplum tube top so I guess she REALLY embraced the new millennium.

This is a woodland fairy costume and you cannot convince me otherwise. Dear lord, is that a jelly purse?

Honestly this might be a biased judgment but I had to sit through that CRINGEWORTHY opening rap that made no sense and I would like to eternal sunshine of the spotless mind that RIGHT out of my brain. Cedric could’ve looked like the hottest guy on the red carpet and I think I still would’ve bitterly tossed him on the worst dressed. Sorry bud, them’s the breaks. Can you imagine hosting an awards show and visibly bombing EVERY time you have the mic? Yooikkes on bikes.

This is a full-length ice dancer gown.

This has to be a bit, right?! Like someone shot Nicole an invite to the Emmys and she was like I AM GOING TO GO FULL 60’s negligee in royal purple..

Y’all know I don’t like celebs forcing their bits down our throats. We know you’ve got em. You diet and have personal trainers and all the money for plastic surgery in the world. We got it. No need to see upstairs yabbos and downstairs curtains on a red carpet.

One deep sigh away from a full frontal eyeful of boobs. There’s just way too much going on here, I don’t even know where to begin.

LeT’s JuSt GlUe cHuNks oF sHiNy fAbRiC 2GeThEr.

Oh good, if you don’t want to wear a 3 feet wide belt with a patent leather buckle, you can just go straight for the outside corset. The corset RUINED this beautiful dress.

MANDY. Girl. WHAT ARE YOU DOING?! Bangs are fine. Whatever. I’d never choose the bang life but if I were going to, I’d want them to look like this. But the pieces hanging down on the side? Nope. And the pieces hanging out off the side of her dress making her look like she’s got a comically large apple bottom dump truck? NOOOOOOOOPE. THIS IS SO UNFLATTERING I CANNOT UNDERSTAND WHY ONE WOULD USE TULLE TO MAKE IT LOOK LIKE YOU’RE A NESTING DOLL.

If this either of these two wore this look solo I’d be like DAMN GET AFTER IT. But because they chose to both wear zesty zoot suits, I HAVE to laugh directly in their faces. What an outrageous couples move. This is like the modern Britney and Justin denim Dan look–Zubaz style. Wow some people really took Tiger King and made it their personality. Ok I think i’m done roasting this duet. Omg I just noticed the matching manis.

KEWL BLOOD RED PARACHUTE!

WHAT THE FUCK IS THIS (PARDON MY FRENCH BUT ALSO NOT REALLY) BECAUSE THE ACTRESS WHO PLAYED SWEET SWEET PRINCESS DI IN THE CROWN IS WEARING A LITERAL SWIMMERS CAP, FINGERLESS GLOVES AND BLACK CLAWS. The Met Gala was last week, girl. Just because you weren’t invited doesn’t mean you can pull this shit on a normie red carpet.

BEST.

I LOOOVE this classy floral pop.

You bring your mom on the red carpet, you’re guaranteed getting laid at the after party once Mom’s gone home to bed. That’s a fact, Jack. Nothing makes chicks wetter than this classic actor mama’s boy move. Evan also won an Emmy on top of this so DOUBLE getting laid. Good work, bruh.

Hannah has a body that won’t quit and I’m obsessed with her character on Ted Lasso. I could do without this weird one shoulder joint but I felt like she brought the heat otherwise.

I wholeheartedly appreciate the full bodysuit underneath so we weren’t dealing with bedazzled areolas here but this dress is S T U N N I N G!

I like a cape because I support any awards show look where you can eat and drink your face off and not have to worry about your figure. Plus I bet it gives mad swish on the dance floor. I also would like a closer look at these heels because they look jazzy AF.

I mean it’s Kate Winslet and she looks fabulous no matter what. Would’ve liked more of a risk but this is still a beaut.

Hands down my favorite look of the evening. Everything’s coming up Ted Lasso, ladies and gents. Can you imagine your baby mama leaving you for Harry Styles and this is your rebuttal?! Jason has the #1 show, he’s about to be raking in 1 MILLION DOLLARS per episode and he looks like a total babe soda. Definite upgrade from last year’s wake and bake appearance at the Globes:

Billy is keeping it pretty tame this time around but I feel like he’s going for his own VS Angel fashion show and I feel like he earned those wings.

Obviously I’ve dumped all over belts enough for one blog…you know how i feel about them…but the rest of the look is elegant and Old Hollywood glamour for the Beanster (who looks nothing like Monica Lewinsky and I’ll die on this hill.)

PURPLE AND TURQUOISE, JEWEL TONES GET AT ME GIRL.

The best part about these shoulder bows is that they’re somewhat obstructed from view due to their placement. So we’ll let them slide. Confetti party dress, FTW!

I purposefully did not include any plain bagel who wore a straight black tux/suit. I don’t have time for that shit anymore. Sorry not sorry. I DID include Zach Braff because he put a spin on the straight black tux with this patterned jacket and I appreciated it. Lookin sharp, BB!

Amy, this is how you rock the hell out of an oversized suit jacket. This set is fine, but the way that Leslie is WERKIN it really sells the whole damn package.

Oh, my lanta! Keri Russell with shimmering leaf boobs. I’M BLUSHING!

This is a Belle moment if I’ve ever seen one. Even though Anya played the booziest chess player, she shows up at every awards show looking like she was made to wear a fancy gown. BTW, this gown is backless and Anya also gives good back.

IT’S FALL SO BLUE VELOUR IS OK AGAIN, Y’ALL.

But also so is fuchsia because we’ll never let go of summer and that’s pretty obvious. In the words of my four year old niece who put her own unique spin on Aqua’s 1997 hit, “Come on Barbie let’s go darty.”

I kinda love the fact that this is played out as heck but Sterling K will never walk a red carpet without shades. It is the red bow on the package of his awards show look and it slaps every time.

Ellen is also exuding BJE (big jumpsuit energy) and I’m vibing with it. The bedazzled hoops, the pony, the lines of jewels are all a YES.

I feel like we see Catherine in black so often that I’m embracing a foray into coral. Supes fun. (It’s past my bedtime and yes I realize that I’m now moonwalking into “lame and unoriginal caption” territory. GET OVER IT.)

YEAH VELVET LOAFERS ARE GONNA GET YOU ON THE BEST DRESSED LIST AND THAT SEEMS OBVIOUS. Hugh Hefner silk pjs up top would’ve really crushed, but whatevs.

I really only put this photo up for Leslie who is essentially wearing a Sigfried and Roy Vegas stage show costume and I’m drooling all the way for it. Clearly I need to get more shimmer and shine in my wardrobe.

JEAN SMART IS A 70 YEAR OLD SEX SYMBOL.

CATHERINE ZETA-JONES IS A 51 YEAR OLD SEX SYMBOL. (Also matching shoes and lipstick it’s like she knows the way to my heart or something.)

Cynthia had mermaid vibes at the Met and now again at the Emmys and I DON’T HATE IT. This is fancy free and funky fresh (minus the 7 inch french tips) PS don’t think I didn’t notice that tiny belt. DIE AWAY FROM ME, BELTS.

Clean look and I appreciate a sassy shoe.

Fresh off some divorce news and letting us all know that she’s a good time gal who wears the shit out of neons and flowers!

I love this! Great fit, great color on her and simple jewels that accent the vintage look perfectly!

Rosie Perez as a Golden Goddess.

Jennifer Coolidge has curves for DAYzzZz.

I’m obsessed with everything about this. Pink tie, dog cane, top hat and F AWL the way off facial expression.

Lil Dicky trying to make up for the fact that he was a willing participant in the opening rap trainwreck with this sharp look. People don’t forget, LD. That was even more embarrassing than season 2 of Dave.

Another cringe partner in crime for the opening rap. Seriously, how did they come up with this motley crew of ruining Biz Markie’s legacy forever? We may never know. I do know Rita looks like a rocker bang piece though.

Uhhhh DUH I’m gonna shout the hell out of this pastel pink getup.

Great color, fun texture. I really wanna cop a feel and see how this bad boy feels IRL. (It’s not creepy, I like to touch fabrics in stores too. When they’re on the hanger tho…not on people.)

My raging girl crush on Sophia Bush has been reignited with this perfect princess lewk.

Red Carpet, Television

Emmys 2020

Normally the Emmys is the official end of summer and beginning of awards season for me. It’s an exciting time where the weather starts to decline and the only thing to look forward to is cheese boards, wine & red carpets. NOT THIS YEAR THO. Much like the ACM’s last week, we’ve got a whole different virtual formula for awards szn so I’ll do what I can to recap and shove my commentary down your throat. The home base for the Emmys was the Staples Center where Jimmy Kimmel hosted live, and 130 camera kits were sent out to all nominees homes so they could set up zoom style and feed into Kimmel onstage. TOTAL recipe for disaster to rely on technology and most importantly WIFI. Gotta be honest, the high chance of this being a real shit show really pulled me in. Along with webcams came a dress code that stated, “Come as you are, but make an effort.” If we’re being honest that really describes my whole personal style. So let’s see what that meant for the celebs from swanky watch parties to their couch:

anniemurphy

Schitt’s Creek Partay was the PLACE to BE. I mean, that flower wall, hot damn. Annie also looks like a real babe soda.

catherine

Ladies of Schitt’s really going for the classic black and red lip theme here. Love the combat boots tossed in with sequins.

danlevy

It pains me to admit this v. unpopular opinion (especially after last night) but I have not seen Schitt’s Creek in its entirety. I know, I know. I suck. However, this kilt is a nod to his character I’m told? Either way that slate grey is doing thangs for Daniel. Lookin svelte.

eugenelevy

You scroll from apple right to the tree. What a family of sharp looks, dark frames and prominent brows.

HER

Gotta give props to anyone who gowned up for the show when I’m about to literally rate celebrity loungewear in the same “red carpet.”

jameela

Case in point, this fuzzy rainbow sweater robe over what looks like a white cotton jumpsuit. Pj’s but make them for rich people.

rachel

More richies PJ’s but this time it’s for a good cause. Rachel had these fancy jams designed for her and her husband and after tonight she’ll be auctioning them off for charity. This past year I decided it was time to stop wearing size XL men’s tees to bed sans pants–Winnie the Pooh style and graduate to the fancy jam game. I really just wanted to pretend for a second that I’m classy and not a homeless troll living under the bridge even in my sleep. I can confidently say now that I’ve upgraded my sleepwear that I’m an old soft tee girl through and through. Silk tuxedos really have no give or breathability for slumber. I felt like the sweaty Hulk in a straitjacket. So maybe Rachel’s jammies ARE a better fit for the red carpet.

regina1 regina2

Regina King served two looks. The first was a video she produced beforehand to show us what she would’ve worn for a red carpet. She looks bomb and I love the blue. The second is what she wore on camera and I also approve. Honestly I just have a boner for bright colors and this fuchsia is summery and fun.

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Damn, check out Tituss showing off a slim and trim bod in this racy red lewk. I’ve spent pretty much the entirety of quarantine seeking out the perfect tie dye loungewear set so I can appreciate a good matching sweat set. This looks cozy and fashionable and even allows for a little unzip to show off the chesties.

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I noticed that many people who advertised their outfit on their instagram also linked it to a product showing us just how shameless celebrities are while they’re “out of work.” I can’t tell you for sure if this is a dress or a robe or what’s going on here because clearly the focus is supposed to be on her glassware and whatever’s in those red boxes. All I can say is that I like the flowers.

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Reese WOULD host a party in her backyard and look like this Hollywood Queen. Really would’ve loved a full bod shot here but top half is pretty stellar.

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Again this could be a merch hawk but no Mark Ruffalo, NO. It’s like he’s going for youth hipster with that hat and nursing home resident finishing the crossword puzzle with his cheaters through those specs. Thankfully he lost both for the real show or I would’ve cringed my face off if he accepted his award looking like this hot mess.

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Obviously the freebie watch is the main event here on Sterling’s instagram but otherwise digging the grey suit and cool guy shades.

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YESSSSS, BB! I love everything about this.

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I’m all in on this. If I was nominated for an Emmy and had to set up a camera in my own home for probably 15 seconds of screen time, you bet your bottom dollar I’m setting up a whole scene with a ridiculous outfit. Alex flashed on the screen after losing looking like this and it was a highlight of the show. She’s serving a whole ass look here and even though she lost the Emmy, she won “Best Dramatic Character Losing at the 2020 Emmys” in our hearts.

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For all the Gilmore Girls stans, Amy and Daniel Sherman-Palladino serving hat game realness at the Dragonfly Inn.

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Jennifer Aniston never changes and has an awards show look that just won’t quit. Throw her in a simple black dress, add some frosting and let those beach waves do their thang.

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I watched Normal People and shit all over it and I get that this guy is like a sex symbol for people who were obsessed with the show but WHY. THIS HAIR. He has a literal straight line of hair across his forehead like Dumb and Dumber. Make it stop.

tracee

Is this the Emmys or the Golden Globes cause damn, gurl!

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It’s the neck scarf for me. (Did I do that right, youths?)

A bedazzled denim top AND tropical wallpaper in your kitchen, yessir!

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The top feathers looked much better when she was presenting on camera than they photographed here. She looks great despite the fact that she’s posing with a boulder.

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I got a very large summer boner for this bright coral and the fit is flawless. Top look of the night for me.

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The lipstick matches the dress perfectly. Stunning combo and honestly everyone should have a best friend (or someone on their payroll) that will stage an Emmys red carpet photoshoot for you on your AirBnB patio.

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I expected Billy to bring it regardless of the location and he sure did. The white accents and the *subtle* awards placement within frame. We get it, you’ve won some shit. I also look like that in my living room except the cape hanging off of me is a fleece blanket from TJMaxx.

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I’m very into colors for this Emmys and this was another one that I saw onscreen when she presented and immediately tried to find a picture of it. I’m thirsty for fashion in these dry times. Get over it. This is a watercolor work of art.

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My favorite color in a track suit jacket and also an “I read books” intellectual background that no doubt a PA spent hours staging for 3 seconds of air time.

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It’s an election year and obviously I expected statement clothing and speeches. We’ve seen a lot of Breonna Taylor and BLM but never just a straight up VOTE set of coordinates. Laura Linney was not who I expected to deliver that.

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I applaud going all extra–especially because she won but I’m not a fan of this flapper party look. It feels too Halloween dress-up for me. I mean, her husband is wearing a red silk tiger shirt like he’s Joe Exotic on date night. It’s a lot.

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Would love to know if this is Don’s real house because I’m really vibing with the couch decor and patterned chairs. It’s probably a rental because everyone in Hollywood is “on location” always but we’ve got another political duo keeping it casj cool on a couch fit for a beach house.

I can’t really say anything about his outfit because he’s sitting on TOP of the camera and you know what? That made me laugh out loud so we’re going to shout it out. He’s the eager beaver who leans in like he’s having a real convo with you even though you’re not even in the same city. What a close zoom we got from Nichola Braun who’s just happy to be here.

I watched the “red carpet” on E for further cringe moments and loved the interview with Ted Dansen sitting in a kitchen looking like a grandpa Facetiming with his kids. It was adorable. The doorbell rang and the dogs started barking mid interview and he was like ope, DoorDash is here! Classic gramps moment. It also looks like he’s just wearing a patterned button down ready for Sunday dinner with the kids. Very wholesome.

View this post on Instagram

Haven’t dressed up in a while so had to make the most of it. Look ✌🏾#Emmys2020

A post shared by Kerry Washington (@kerrywashington) on Sep 20, 2020 at 6:41pm PDT

Fave look of the night! The leopard! The turquoise earrings! The Monica Geller with beaded vacation braids sound when she sways in this dress! CHEF’S KISS.

And now I’ll give you the highs and lows of the very first virtual Emmys.

LOWS

The Fire Bit.

Jennifer Aniston putting out a fire that won’t knock down on live TV is the best thing I’ve seen this year. #Emmys pic.twitter.com/JhuYZ9dFMj
— Dan Linden (@DanLinden) September 21, 2020

Look, I get there’s a lot of pressure to be funny without live laughs and since Jimmy Kimmel and Jennifer Aniston are buds IRL they wanted to have a little fun with it but setting a controlled fire that turned out to be not so controlled in LA seemed to hit A LITTLE CLOSE TO HOME. It was a LITTLE TOO REAL. As someone who doesn’t live in the land of the fires, I felt like I couldn’t fully make that comment but then I texted my bestie who does live there and she agreed. So we cool. No more fires in California, even if you’re just joshing around, Hollywood. That being said, Jen staying calm, cool & collected and effortlessly fighting flames onstage in a gown was preettttyy boss.

Monologue

Kicking things off with a fake audience was a no for me. It made it super confusing as to if there were people there or not or if the monologue was pre-taped. I don’t need anymore confusion right now. I spent most of the monologue wondering what was real that I missed a lot of the jokes.

Schitt’s Sweep.

#SchittsCreek sets an #Emmys record for most wins in a single season for a comedy https://t.co/uECg2EEfvh pic.twitter.com/MJPO30wYld
— The Hollywood Reporter (@THR) September 21, 2020

This is both a high and a low for me. Schitt’s Creek won every single award in the Comedy category. So for the first hour of the show, SEVEN awards in a row were awarded to the gang partying it up in Canada. This is a low because it was the first hour of the Emmys and we saw the same people give speeches over and over again. Not a great lead-in hook. It’s a high because I love the fact that Eugene and Dan Levy made a show together and their father-son bond is adorable. You can also tell that Dan Levy is genuinely grateful and appreciative of the awards, even apologizing for winning them all. Props to the Schitt’s Creek crew for not only throwing an Emmys banger but also winning literally all of the awards.

Need More Losers/House Peeping.

Since we had 7 straight Schitt wins in a row, it gave me the time to really need more loser action. Normally we get a lot of crowd reaction shots and due to the fact that we were essentially watching a video conference call, that was lacking this year. We got the epic shot of Alex Borstein petting her dog and slugging whiskey but we needed MORE. I WANT TO DRINK THE TEARS OF THE LOSERS. No but really, I just wanted more peeps on other nominees which segues nicely into I want to see inside of all of their homes, uninterrupted. It seems unfair that we only get to see the homes of the winners (shout out to the dizzying pattern room of Jesse Armstrong above.) GIVE US A PEEP OF YOUR MANSIONS, OR ELSE. Which also leads me to…

Meryl. The Untouchable Meryl.

meryl

The almighty who created the overused pointing aggressively and clapping meme from an acceptance speech reaction COULD NOT BE BOTHERED WITH A ZOOM AWARDS SHOW. Bitch is too good to let us see where she lives. If Meryl truly was a woman of the people, she’d set up all of the awards she’s amassed in frame, sit amongst them in an extravagant gown and let us bask in her glory. Instead she chose “OOO.” Whatever, Meryl. It’s a real power move to not even have to leave your couch to attend an awards show and still say you’re busy.

HIGHS

CELEB DOGS!!!

rachel-brosnahan-emmys-2020 Dylan-McDermott-dog-Emmys-2020 DArcy-Carden-dog-Emmys-2020

I didn’t get to see as much home decor as I would’ve liked but I DID get my fill of celeb pooches. I’m all in on the pup cameos. It’s impossible to frown when you see a dog coaxed into the frame, especially when it’s a large pitbull being hoisted in like above. I just wanna SMUSH THEIR LITTLE FACES. Dogs should be allowed at every awards show going forward.

Losers Get a Wave.

when you lose the emmy pic.twitter.com/ECkbGcoHBA
— ramy youssef (@ramy) September 21, 2020

This weird “someone in a hazmat suit just shows up at your house with your Emmy” was next level shit. Even weirder & more hilarious–Ramy pulling back the curtain on what happens when you don’t win. BYE BYE, LOSER!

The Real Friends Reunion.
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I’ve been very vocal about not giving a shit about the Friends reunion that’s been overhyped for a year now that you have to get another streaming service to even watch and it’s just a bunch of cast interviews. Every time they bring it up I roll my eyes out of my damn head. I love the show Friends, I watch it constantly and yet I don’t feel the need to buy every Friends themed merch that they’ve been hawking for the past year. I DID however love this cameo, especially because it came right around the time I started to get bored as hell during the show. Not only did Jennifer look like a total bangpiece in that robe, but the casual oh hey we’ve all been roomies since the 90’s was cute and I appreciated it. I loved it even more when Jason Bateman strolled in. Bateman was a win all around for me last night. From his cameo in the monologue demanding to stay because he hasn’t been out in months and putting a cutout of him from the 80’s front row, to him walking through this Friends bit and snarkily asking Jimmy if he was going to kick him out of his own house too. As a real sarcastic B, I dig Bateman’s salty vibes.

Celebs in Quarantine

Pretty much every celebrity made me laugh in this and that’s rare. Contrary to popular belief they haven’t spent quarantine singing John Lennon’s Imagine. Stars, they developed an alcohol dependency just like us when faced with staying at home for a lengthy period of time.

Cheers to 2021

Why NOT just skip to 2021? @KerryWashington @ReeseW #Emmys pic.twitter.com/jjJcDXIT2o
— Jimmy Kimmel (@jimmykimmel) September 21, 2020

Now I can finally say I attended a New Year’s Eve party in Reese Witherspoon’s backyard. I too would like it to be 2021, but for a slightly different reason than Reese. If I hear “2020, man” or “ya gotta love 2020” or “that’s 2020 for ya” one more time I might blow my brains out. So for my safety and everyone else’s, it’s now 2021. End of discussion.

My Emmys commentary in real time:

The Emmys have a very high potential to be a shit show with 130 different camera feeds running into the Staples Center and an entire awards show relying on WiFi. I’m here for it.
— Julia Giantomasi (@TheSaltyJu) September 20, 2020

Since I have to read 90000 football tweets every Sunday, the least I can do is guzzle wine and tweet my face off during awards shows. Let’s do this. pic.twitter.com/T8pxntLYQN
— Julia Giantomasi (@TheSaltyJu) September 21, 2020

As someone who has done nothing but consume TV for the past 8 months, I agree with Kimmel. Television is always there for me. #donteverchange #Emmys
— Julia Giantomasi (@TheSaltyJu) September 21, 2020

How long until Jennifer Aniston putting out the fire becomes a metaphor for 2020 meme tho? #Emmys
— Julia Giantomasi (@TheSaltyJu) September 21, 2020

Confused as to how they determine who gets to come to the actual Staples Center and who can only join via Zoom. #Emmys
— Julia Giantomasi (@TheSaltyJu) September 21, 2020

Do we think Schitt's Creek is winning every award because they very clearly are hosting the most bangpiece Emmys party? #Emmys
— Julia Giantomasi (@TheSaltyJu) September 21, 2020

Brutal to keep showing the losers try to act cool and happy for Schitt's Creek #Emmys
— Julia Giantomasi (@TheSaltyJu) September 21, 2020

Is there an Emmy for the character that you play at the Emmys? https://t.co/3AGW1BWYz5
— Julia Giantomasi (@TheSaltyJu) September 21, 2020

All the celeb dog content we're getting is v. much appreciated. #Emmys
— Julia Giantomasi (@TheSaltyJu) September 21, 2020

It's 2021 now because Reese Witherspoon said so. #Emmys pic.twitter.com/8V89WyXY3w
— Julia Giantomasi (@TheSaltyJu) September 21, 2020

I'll never be ready for a Regis tribute. #Emmys
— Julia Giantomasi (@TheSaltyJu) September 21, 2020

Friends reunion with Jason Bateman>>>>>>>
— Julia Giantomasi (@TheSaltyJu) September 21, 2020

The Succession theme song sends a chill down my spine.
— Julia Giantomasi (@TheSaltyJu) September 21, 2020

Meryl doesn't Zoom. #emmys
— Julia Giantomasi (@TheSaltyJu) September 21, 2020

Un-Thank You to the #Emmys for drawing me in with the disaster premise of relying on wifi and then actually pulling it off.
— Julia Giantomasi (@TheSaltyJu) September 21, 2020

So concludes another night of me live tweeting an awards show into the Twitter abyss as if anyone cares what I think. TYSM, GOODNIGHT! #Emmys
— Julia Giantomasi (@TheSaltyJu) September 21, 2020

JUice

Weekly JUice

Week of 7/27/2020

1. A LEGEND HAS DIED.

Regis

We lost our beloved REGE this week. On Saturday to be specific, of course when I was in the countryside with no service. I got scooped on it and was BESIDE myself when I went to read the deets for myself and found that my internet ceased to exist. Obviously Regis was old and it shouldn’t be a shock that he passed but I did not take the news lightly. In fact, I took it so personally that I knew I wasn’t in the right headspace to see Kathie Lee’s tribute to him on the same day that I found out about his death. I needed a few days to accept and come to terms with it before I could dive into what she had to say. I literally brought up his death in therapy this week, so obviously I’m doin real well. But first, my own personal anecdote. I worked on The Rachael Ray Show as an intern senior year of college, I’m sure I’ve referenced it before as it’s probably the closest I’ve ever been to Hollywood. Rege was a regular because he’s TV royalty and why wouldn’t you have him as a guest?! Anytime the Reg-ster was there, you knew it. As he walked out onto set, he made eye contact with and greeted everyone. There’s a lot of times that you talk about celebrities being dicks in real life and Regis was the exact opposite. That zing that he brought to your TV screen? That’s legit just how he is. He’d walk through with a huge smile on his face, cracking jokes and tossing out finger guns. He was a walking party and I wanted him to be my grandpa. A LEGEND. There’s too many dirt bag celebs (cough cough Ellen, more on that later) so it’s always heartwarming to know someone who was truly just a good human with a warm personality and just happened to be famous on the side. Anyway, onto Kathie Lee’s tribute, which I can finally handle now.

View this post on Instagram

There are no words to fully express the love I have for my precious friend, Regis. I simply adored him and every day with him was a gift. We spent 15 years together bantering and bickering and laughing ourselves silly—a tradition and a friendship we shared up to this very day. I smile knowing somewhere in Heaven, at this very moment, he’s making someone laugh. It brings me great comfort knowing that he had a personal relationship with his Lord that brought him great peace. I send all the love in my heart to Joy, to his children, to the rest of his family and to the innumerable people he touched over his legendary life. There has never been anyone like him. And there never will be.

A post shared by Kathie Lee Gifford (@kathielgifford) on Jul 25, 2020 at 2:37pm PDT

She also spoke on the Today Show about how she visited with Regis a month or two ago and they laughed just like they always do when they get together and had a ball and that was the last time she saw him. And she noticed that he was failing in health and it might be the end. And Rege’s wife Joy shared with KL that she hadn’t seen him laugh like that in months. REGIS AND KATHIE LEE FOREVA. THEY ARE THE CUTEST. And not to bring down this lovely tribute to Reger’s with negativity but let’s just be clear that Kelly ain’t shit. Regis MADE Kelly and I *FEEL* like she wasn’t at all grateful and just saw him as a dinosaur. Their chemistry wasn’t even CLOSE to him and KL and all around Kelly comes off as a real twatmonster. I mean look at her “tribute.” A cold, written statement–nothing personal about it. Get the hell out of here, Kelly.

View this post on Instagram

We are beyond saddened to learn about the loss of Regis Philbin. He was the ultimate class act, bringing his laughter and joy into our homes everyday on Live for more than 23 years. We were beyond lucky to have him as a mentor in our careers and aspire everyday to fill his shoes on the show. We send our deepest love and condolences to his family and hope they can find some comfort in knowing he left the world a better place. – Kelly and Ryan

A post shared by Kelly Ripa (@kellyripa) on Jul 25, 2020 at 1:12pm PDT

Hey Kelly, check out Gelman’s tribute HERE if you want to see what real human emotions look like.

2. Pray for Reese.

nicole-reese

Emmy nomzzzz have been released and Reese Witherspoon got DUMPED on. That’s my biggest takeaway. Not that we’re announcing nominations when we don’t even know if the awards show will happen unless it’s Zoom-style. They’ll figure it out. What they won’t figure out is how they could spit in the face of Hollywood’s sweetheart. Reese has been CHURNING out female-empowering content through her production company and acted in THREE shows this past year. THREE. And everyone else got noms in those shows but her. I can only personally vouch for Little Fires Everywhere because I refuse to pay for another platform just to watch The Morning Show–but she CRUSHED playing an unlikable 90’s mom bitch in that. Like I hated her. And it must take superb acting to hate a sweetie like Reese. In fact, after seeing Kerry nominated for Little Fires, and Jen nominated for the Morning Show and Meryl AND Laura Dern for Big Little Lies…all Reese had to say was this:

So happy to see the hard work of so many being recognized!! Beyond proud. 🌟👏🏼💯 @kerrywashington @octaviaspencer @Zendaya @LauraDern #jenniferaniston #merylstreep #Emmys2020

— Reese Witherspoon (@ReeseW) July 28, 2020

What a class act, honestly. Also not all bad because her production company created every single one of these shows so she’ll still cash out on a W. But still doesn’t hurt to be recognized for her onscreen efforts. For what it’s worth, I’d nominate you, REESE!!!! Kerry Washington’s flared nostrils ain’t got shit on your skillzzzzzz. CLICK HERE to see the full list of noms including a shout to Love is Blind (the cringiest low budget reality show that hit right when quarantine started, rocketing it to fame) and a nomination for Brad Pitt guest starring on SNL. THAT’S a stretch. When are we going to stop being so obsessed with the Pitzer? And let’s hope and pray that we can somehow rig a real life awards show not via video conference because Mama needs a red carpet. She’s jonesin for some judging.

3. J Baby Hath Arrived.

joe-jonas-sophie-turner

Honestly I feel like it was just yesterday that I was announcing her pregnancy and fearing that if I was wrong I’d have to get face ink. But it has been reported that the baby is HERE and it’s a girl named Willa Jonas. And I APPROVE! What a great, normal name! Willa J in da HOUSE! It has also been reported via the latest Taylor Swift album lyric: “Cold was the steel of my axe to grind for the boys who broke my heart / Now I send their babies presents” that she sent them a gift. There’s no actual evidence of this, other than people over-reading into her lyrics so I guess Willa is the youngest owner of a Taylor Swift custom cardigan and seriously WTF. I’m still seething over the fact that I didn’t get one. Another thing that I brought up in therapy, so if this baby got one I might just spiral.

4. Ellen Sucks.

ellen

Remember how I bragged about my unpaid internship for the Rachael Ray show? While it’s when I was there back in 2013 that I learned how much of a DICK Ellen is to work for. Hollywood’s a gossipy place and it didn’t take long for a fellow intern to reveal she had also interned for Ellen and it was a real nightmare. I’ve kept that in the back of my mind as she continued her run as the #1 daytime show and danced her fake ass out onstage every day. My mom used to dance along with her and then you know what? The schtick got old. Also, it was becoming more clear that she was over this TV show and was putting in a real half-assed effort. So I’ve been quietly boycotting her for years. Then quarantine hit and apparently Ellen’s time to shine was COMING TO AN ABRUPT END. There was a Twitter thread asking people to share all of their terrible Ellen stories and it went viral. People talking about weird shit she did like making them chew gum outside of her office before coming in because she has a sensitive nose or telling them not to talk to her at all. Here’s a few of those nuggets:

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Then it became clear that she wasn’t paying her crew during quarantine but was continuing to make her show and different bits from home. Any host who can afford to pay everyone’s salaries for months without it even affecting their bank account and chooses NOT to is a real douche sandwich. Then it got quiet again and it was clear that Ellen’s power and fame were going to drown out the years-long complaints of mistreatment. UH UH HONAY. The WB launched an investigation this week and FINALLY we get some sort of acknowledgement from Ellen and it’s HILARIOUS. She sent an internal letter to staff playing dumb. Here’s the gist–full letter can be found HERE:

“Hey everybody – it’s Ellen. On day one of our show, I told everyone in our first meeting that The Ellen DeGeneres Show would be a place of happiness – no one would ever raise their voice, and everyone would be treated with respect. Obviously, something changed, and I am disappointed to learn that this has not been the case. And for that, I am sorry. Anyone who knows me knows it’s the opposite of what I believe and what I hoped for our show. I could not have the success I’ve had without all of your contributions. My name is on the show and everything we do and I take responsibility for that. Alongside Warner Bros, we immediately began an internal investigation and we are taking steps, together, to correct the issues. As we’ve grown exponentially, I’ve not been able to stay on top of everything and relied on others to do their jobs as they knew I’d want them done. Clearly some didn’t. That will now change and I’m committed to ensuring this does not happen again.”

“I’m also learning that people who work with me and for me are speaking on my behalf and misrepresenting who I am and that has to stop. As someone who was judged and nearly lost everything for just being who I am, I truly understand and have deep compassion for those being looked at differently, or treated unfairly, not equal, or – worse – disregarded. To think that any one of you felt that way is awful to me. It’s been way too long, but we’re finally having conversations about fairness and justice.”

So are you committed to stop being a total a-hole to the people who work for you orrrrrr? What a classic bitch move to just not at all acknowledge the horrific rep you have and real stories that have come out and just dance your way out of the conflict by saying you had no clue this was going on and your show is all about happiness. And then to point fingers and say they’re misrepresenting her. I hope everyone teams up to DRAAAAG her. It’s the era of Cancel Culture. ADD ELLEN TO THE LIST, YO. Even Brad Garrett spoke out, which I hope means other celebs will too. YAAAAS. Smell ya later, Ellen!

Sorry but it comes from the top ⁦@TheEllenShow Know more than one who were treated horribly by her.⁩ Common knowledge. DeGeneres Sends Emotional Apology to Staff – Variety https://t.co/D0uxOgyyre

— Brad Garrett (@RealBradGarrett) July 31, 2020

5. The Kissing Booth 3.

flynn

This news will play to a very small audience, but after saddling up to the TV on Friday night for the Kissing Booth 2 premiere with my sister and our equally as teen flick obsessed bestie on Facetime, we snacked, drank wine & drooled over Noah. We also cringed our life away because this flick is not for the faint of heart when it comes to cheesy teen storylines. Their new hottie with a body character designed to swoop in and break up Elle and Flynn was so obsessed with his guitar that at one point they’re sitting on the beach having a serious chat and suddenly his guitar just emerges from the sand so he can end the convo with a serenade. There were several hysterics from us at that moment and the hits just kept on coming with him, including very shiny matching silver lamé with Sketchers shape-ups outfits for a dance competition. Ugh. But I got carried away there as I tend to do. They left the second movie on a cliffhanger, Netflix’s favorite way of telling you that this will be a never-ending series beaten into the ground. And then the stars were like PSYCHE! we already filmed the third and it’ll be out in 2021. So no panicking here about a long wait post COVID times for a new movie, as it’s already been completed. What a trick. Here’s a sexy sneak preview to get you all riled up for more Elle and Flynn:

And then to bring you right back down, here’s some INCREDIBLY awkward moments to prove that not only can Jacob Elordi and Joey King not even do press together (that’s how bad their breakup was) but it seems like Jacob pretty much hates the entire cast and has no interest in being a part of this trilogy. Also, not for nothing, he has a real life mullet and looks like garbo lately. Either way, I can only imagine how awks filming two movies in a row were for these two considering they refuse to even be interviewed together. WOooOof. Get all the uncomfies here:

Start at 6:15 for the cold AF promotion of the movie and transition back to the entire cast getting along and promoting it together:

Special thank you to my assistant Nikki, who spent an undisclosed amount of time watching Youtube clips after the premiere on Saturday to try and sniff out every unbearable interaction between these two former lovers and learn why they broke up. Unfortunately since they avoid talking about each other, this may be a secret that we never learn…but we’ll never stop sleuthing.

BONUS: FOR THE LAAAADIEEEEZZZZ

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like a pig in shit. 🤣🤣🤣hard to explain this one. but i had an amazing day. now i need a dune buggy. dune coming soon aloha j. @schaeffersgarmenthotel dirty pink 😭🤣😂

A post shared by Jason Momoa (@prideofgypsies) on Jul 30, 2020 at 9:46pm PDT

Here’s a glance at a hot bod getting hosed down. WET MUSCLES, MMMMMMM. K have a great weekend.

Red Carpet, Television

Emmys 2019 Red Carpet

Since I cut cable out of my life in the middle of summer when none of my shows were on and it wasn’t awards season yet, obviously last night was a real wake up call. I had to work the hardest to steal cable from my wealthier family members and then the app closed out during every commercial break so basically what I’m trying to say is appreciate this awards season content extra from my poor ass cause the struggle is R E A L.

WORST

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I mean, without fail, every time, we get a salsa dancer emoji on the red carpet. Props to this gal for being it.

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This is a glittery garbage bag.

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I’m so perplexed by this. Was the top an accident? Did they take the hem off of the bottom and then just bunch it up and toss it over her head like a bib?

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I wanted to be on board with this but it’s just too many things at once. Erect Ciny Lou-Who hair, ruffled top, wide belt/tuxedo jacket waist, cape, hard flares….WHERE DO I EVEN BEGIN. Pick one of these things. ONE.

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Ugh this is SUCH a Dawson Leery tryhard outfit. Barf all over me.

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The Emmys isn’t really the time to try punk rocker chic, plz see yourself to an Avril Lavigne concert, Jenny.

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I’m sorry. I can’t get on board with brown anything. This is a poop suit.

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This chick came about 2 years late to the Met Gala “Catholicism” theme.

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Holy boobs.

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Ah, a classic outfit for when the seasons are changing. Cold shoulder for a little sun on the left, long sleeve on the right because it’s chilly in the mornings. Oh and why not just slap a pair of pants on underneath? Convenient.

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80’s prom dress, clap, clap, clapclapclap.

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I don’t need to see clear from your chin to your panty line or lack thereof.

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I can get down with a good jumpsuit but I’ve already expressed my disdain with the gaucho style pant leg coming back and if I CAN’T FIND YOUR FEET, YOUR PANTS ARE DOING TOO MUCH.

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The good news is we’re not staring directly at Alex’s erect nipples in a silk dress this year. The bad news is she still doesn’t look great.

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Meh. After making Four Weddings and a Funeral appointment TV every Wednesday night, I wanted more from our gurl Maya. This also feels like a prom look.

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Fine dress to wear to a backyard wedding, not an awards show.

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Also feel let down by the new J.Law cool girl, Sophie. This dress is essentially the same color as her skin and it’s really not doing anything for me.

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Wooooooof this bright purple does not go well with her transparent skin color.

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Only these two a-holes would OVERDRESS for an awards show that they have no business being at. Also quick shout out to them presenting the best reality TV Emmy and having the crowd BURST out laughing at “our family knows how to make good TV just by being ourselves.” And these sweet, sweet idiots were confused when everyone started laughing. CUT TO THE NOMINEES, QUICK.

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Again with the odd shapes just tossed on top. Is that a cape as a top? How does it stay up?!

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I love this color and her hair and pink lip but does the top piece not look like a saggy bikini top? It’s like Christina Long Boobs Applegate up in HERE.

BEST

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I was all set to make a Free Willy joke at first glance on this outfit but honestly she’s pulling killer whale chic OFF. And Eugene looks sharp as well.

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WHAT A PASTEL DREAM. I die for this color.

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I like both of these colors together. God, I sound like Taylor Swift now with Synesthesia but for realz I dig. Plus a jazzy plaid done right.

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B2B Pretty Princess ‘fits

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Oh Shit, Ray-J.

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Classic

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Don’t really understand how she manages to appear at every red carpet ever but we all know how I feel about yellow this year as evident by my Gold Old Navy heels that I bought on clearance in July and have worn literally every single day since. Fun fact: yellow goes with everything. Says me.

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Sterling perpetually looks fresh to death.

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Everyone’s slobbering all over this actress because everyone’s slobbering over Fleabag. I haven’t seen it but she’s crushing in this woodland fairy angel dress.

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Token blue suit that I drool over.

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Normally I would dump all over this outfit because I don’t support ladies who attend a classy event with their areolas one deep breath away from busting free, but this is Mandy Moore we’re talking about here and she’s basically an American treasure. She’s got some sassy curls and she’s giving us good leg and for that I’m willing to overlook the near nip slip.

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Suspenders thing is kinda wierd but this cooooooolooooooorrrr

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I would give my left tit for perfect ombre’d mermaid waves like these.

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Can’t go wrong with a basic black gown.

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JLD is such a babe soda.

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Great color and style for Sandra.

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One of many pink/red combo deals and I liked them all. Yes they’re all essentially the same exact dress accentuating different body parts but I’m here for it.

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I WANT THESE SPARKLE PANTS.

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There was obviously a two-for-one special on this fabric. I wonder if stylists get fired when they pull this move and put several A-listers in essentially the same dress. Someone let me know. I live for the drama.

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YaAaAaaAsssSssss Kweeeeeen. (it’s past my bedtime so now I’m just reverting to basic bitch cliche phrases but honestly this really sums up how I feel about this outfit anyway.)

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He’s still a creepster but at least he dresses ON POINT.

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Another nod to the fashionable gents representin’

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YELLOW. And this style is supes flattering on Busy & helps to distract from her cotton candy hurrr.

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This is kind of a risky look for Michelle Williams who usually wears solid color classic cut gowns. She looks beautiful as always.

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HOT PINK GET IT GURL.

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My sister texted me yesterday and said she made about 12 leopard print purchases in TJ Maxx and wore one of them around the store while she was shopping. And I replied that if my entire wardrobe could consist of leopard and camo print, I could die happy. Something tells me Bonnie gets us.

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Zendaya gets the two syllable dAYYY-UmmNNN of the evening. I mean how could she not?

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What a disco ball!

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YES YES YES A THOUSAND TIMES YES!!!!! THE ONLY REASON HALSEY ISN’T MY FAVORITE LOOK OF THE NIGHT IS BECAUSE I FELT LIKE I SHOULD GIVE IT TO SOMEONE WHO ACTUALLY IS A TV STAR, BUUUUUT, CAN I JUST SAY SHE MUST BE READING MY BLOG? I HAVE HARPED ON HALSEY FOOOOORRRREEEVVERRRR ABOUT HOW PRETTY SHE IS AND SHE DRESSES LIKE A HOEBOT AND SHE DELIIIIIIIIVERED FOR THE EMMYS. (ALSO SANG A PHENOM COVER OF TIME AFTER TIME) ANYWAY BACK TO THIS CLASSY AND BEAUTIFUL DRESS AND IT’S MY FAVORITE COLOR AND HER HAIR IS NATURAL AND PRETTY AND HER MAKEUP IS MINIMAL BECAUSE SHE DON’T NEED NO MAKEUP AND OK I’LL STOP SHOUTING. IT’S LIKE I JUST WANT TO SCREAM IT FROM THE ROOFTOPS THAT HALSEY IS A BEAUT AND I LOVE HER. THE END.

FAVE LOOK OF THE NIGHT:

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At first I just thought this was unique and cool, a shiny striped dress. Then I saw her take the stage and it’s all intricate beading. Making it 100x cooler. A lot of great looks tonight but this was by far my favorite.

Red Carpet, Television

Emmys Red Carpet 2018

I’d like to say that I watched the 70th Emmy’s last night but mostly I just talked over it and shoved cheeses, meats & olives into my mouth. Certainly didn’t stop me from sounding off about everyone’s outfits, tweeting about nipples and laughing at the cringeworthy proposal that occurred onstage for all to see. Feels good to be back.

WORST

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Oh, ok. So I guess the rule is if you won an Emmy last year that gives you the right to show up in a silk button down with a corset layered over it and adorned with costume pearls. I just re read this and HOW COULD I FORGET THE G-D BRIEFCASE SHE’S CARRYING TO TOP IT ALL OFF. UGH. Get out of my face with this, Laura.

70th Emmy Awards - Arrivals

This was not her only trash outfit of the night and very much subscribes to the theme of women dressing like they live in the Great Depression, which thanks to a knowledgeable customer the other day, I learned was in 1935.

70th Primetime Emmy Awards, Arrivals, Los Angeles, USA - 17 Sep 2018

Well why don’t we just start adorning ourselves in neon parachutes? WHY NOT.

70th Emmy Awards - Arrivals

I almost ralphed upon laying eyes on this busy as a bee ladysuit.

70th Primetime Emmy Awards, Arrivals, Los Angeles, USA - 17 Sep 2018

Hey Mario, injuring your foot is not a good enough reason to wear suit shorts.

70th Primetime Emmy Awards, Arrivals, Los Angeles, USA - 17 Sep 2018

Ma’am, I’m gonna need you to address the creature growing out of your shoulder. Sterling, you good, boo.

NBC's "70th Annual Primetime Emmy Awards" - Red Carpet

Pretty surprising turn of events for Kristen Bell to end up on my shit list but this dress sucks.

70th Primetime Emmy Awards, Arrivals, Los Angeles, USA - 17 Sep 2018

There’s gotta be a Beetlejuice on every red carpet. But like, why.

70th Primetime Emmy Awards, Arrivals, Los Angeles, USA - 17 Sep 2018

This would’ve been my dream outfit for a special event if you had asked me when I was 7 in 1998.

NBC's "70th Annual Primetime Emmy Awards" - Red Carpet

This was Darren’s night to shine because his portrayal as a serial killer in the Versace show was nightmares and yet he chose to wear what looks like a jizz stained suit for it.

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I honestly can’t tell if her and Maya Rudolph were trying to be ironic with their outfits straight out of a different time period. The last time I wore a statement belt was freshman year of college. And on top of that she’s rocking a rat tail sticking out of her head and this pattern is ROUGH.

NBC's "70th Annual Primetime Emmy Awards" - Red Carpet

Does this sequin nightmare have actual horns?

NBC's "70th Annual Primetime Emmy Awards" - Red Carpet

The pompadour and possible shorts really throws this whole look off course.

70th Emmy Awards - Arrivals

What’s happening here other than Toby and his date sharing eyeliner?

70th Primetime Emmy Awards - Limo Drop Off, Los Angeles, USA - 17 Sep 2018

THERE IS A WAY TO DRESS FOR YOUR SIZE WITHOUT LOOKING 6 TRILLION TIMES BIGGER. THIS IS NOT IT. INSERT CLAPPING EMOJIS AS NEEDED.

NBC's "70th Annual Primetime Emmy Awards" - Red Carpet

I think Allison ripped this off of a horny 17 year old at prom.

70th Emmy Awards - Arrivals

I read a headline that this dress has a special meaning…I’m guessing it has to do with pride but like it’s not necessary to dress like a clown for an elegant event.

70th Emmy Awards - Arrivals

Carrying the sparkles and platforms torch of the evening.

70th Emmy Awards - Arrivals

As much as I love mint. This dress is wrong. All kinds of wrong.

NBC's "70th Annual Primetime Emmy Awards" - Red Carpet

So apparently this was her wedding dress. She is divorced now and supposedly wanted the dress to have a night on the town. What really had a night on the town were her erect nipples. When the Ungermyer took the stage to accept the Emmy, her areolas quite literally poked my eyeballs out. She even had the gall to mention that she skipped the bra. NO NEED TO LET US KNOW, WE RECEIVED THIS MESSAGE WHEN YOUR NIPS TOUCHED THE MIC BEFORE YOU DID.

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WTF.

NBC's "70th Annual Primetime Emmy Awards" - Red Carpet

I thought I read somewhere that Kirsten Dunst is preggers but judging by this photo and her knockers busting out of her dress yet having 0.0 waist or belly, I’m very perplexed. Landry is literally scaring me.

70th Primetime Emmy Awards, Arrivals, Los Angeles, USA - 17 Sep 2018

I’m not sure that the Emmys are the place to roll up like you’re Janis Joplin. She looks great for like a concert or the AMA’s.

70th Emmy Awards - Arrivals

Not even a little bit flattering.

70th Primetime Emmy Awards, Arrivals, Los Angeles, USA - 17 Sep 2018

Could everyone just put their nipples away for one night? Also props to the “paint your two front strands of hair blonde” color job.

70th Primetime Emmy Awards, Arrivals, Los Angeles, USA - 17 Sep 2018

I am afraid. Also if you look at her from the right angle it looks like she has elf ears and she’s carrying a bible. That is all.

70th Primetime Emmy Awards, Arrivals, Los Angeles, USA - 17 Sep 2018

Tracy looks like an idiot. Which he might’ve been aiming for. So this could be a compliment.

70th Primetime Emmy Awards, Arrivals, Los Angeles, USA - 17 Sep 2018

This is just a tripping hazard. I mean, come on. I’m assuming she didn’t expect to win or she’d have a broken neck.

NBC's "70th Annual Primetime Emmy Awards" - Red Carpet

Alison Janney is having a moment lately because she’s got a hot bod and her career is still kickin but I don’t think that gives her the right to dress like a showgirl. She could’ve rocked a million other looks way better.

2018 Primetime Emmy Awards - Arrivals, Los Angeles, USA - 17 Sep 2018

This is a dress for a 12 year old.

NBC's "70th Annual Primetime Emmy Awards" - Red Carpet

I can’t stop staring at the top of this lime popsicle of a dress. Why so round?

70th Emmy Awards - Arrivals

From lime to banana.

70th Primetime Emmy Awards, Arrivals, Los Angeles, USA - 17 Sep 2018

When your boyfriend is hosting maybe bring your A game.

BEST

70th Primetime Emmy Awards, Arrivals, Los Angeles, USA - 17 Sep 2018

I think this is a tasteful amount of feathers and Keri looks like a babe.

70th Primetime Emmy Awards, Arrivals, Los Angeles, USA - 17 Sep 2018

You’ll find that many made the best dressed list just because I violently hated so many outfits that when I saw an outfit that was just fine, I threw them a bone. Her legs look good so here ya go.

70th Primetime Emmy Awards, Arrivals, Los Angeles, USA - 17 Sep 2018

Joey King of Kissing Booth fame gets her princess moment but like where the hell is Flynn?

70th Primetime Emmy Awards, Arrivals, Los Angeles, USA - 17 Sep 2018

Another dreamy princess/napping dress that I can always get down with.

NBC's "70th Annual Primetime Emmy Awards" - Red Carpet

He always looks fresh.

NBC's "70th Annual Primetime Emmy Awards" - Red Carpet

I’m into the green for something different.

70th Primetime Emmy Awards, Arrivals, Los Angeles, USA - 17 Sep 2018

Basically one of the only SNL stars who didn’t look like they borrowed costumes from set to wear.

NBC's "70th Annual Primetime Emmy Awards" - Red Carpet

This is so weird and yet I’m mesmerized by it. Probably because it’s Alexis Bledel and she looks beautiful in anything.

70th Emmy Awards - Arrivals

Power suits for a power couple.

70th Emmy Awards - Arrivals

Milo kind of looks like a geeky waiter but it’s Milo and I love him anyway.

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This fella is really embracing fall fash and I’m here for it.

70th Primetime Emmy Awards, Arrivals, Los Angeles, USA - 17 Sep 2018

The bowtie! And the pants! And the boots!

NBC's "70th Annual Primetime Emmy Awards" - Red Carpet

YAAAS CONNIE! Will she ever age?! Will that head of hair ever look less than perfect?! NO.

NBC's "70th Annual Primetime Emmy Awards" - Red Carpet

I don’t love Chrissy’s dress but it’s not like hideous so whatever.

70th Primetime Emmy Awards, Arrivals, Los Angeles, USA - 17 Sep 2018

This is fun and adorbs!

NBC's "70th Annual Primetime Emmy Awards" - Red Carpet

Hot damn, lady. Didn’t you just have another baby?

70th Primetime Emmy Awards, Arrivals, Los Angeles, USA - 17 Sep 2018

Benedict’s fine and all but his lady friend is really rocking the yellow with a red lip.

70th Primetime Emmy Awards, Arrivals, Los Angeles, USA - 17 Sep 2018

Another cozy furry number that I want to lay my head upon. Hair could’ve been better but hey, who am I to judge? (lololololol)

70th Emmy Awards - Arrivals

It kind of looks like she’s barefoot but if you’re not distracted by that like I am, check out this sassy jumpsuit equipped with cape! This might be sneaking up into one of my favorite looks of the night.

70th Primetime Emmy Awards, Arrivals, Los Angeles, USA - 17 Sep 2018

Showing the men some love.

70th Primetime Emmy Awards, Arrivals, Los Angeles, USA - 17 Sep 2018

I mean we get it, you’re skinny and you have big boobs but I do like this color a lot!

NBC's "70th Annual Primetime Emmy Awards" - Red Carpet

Although I usually shy away from showing off your pecs in a dress, this color looked good on her and looked good on camera when she did her not funny awards show bit while introducing a category.

NBC's "70th Annual Primetime Emmy Awards" - Red Carpet

Mandy always looks good but I am wondering why we needed to mermaid the dress so short that her feet are sticking out. Her cleavage looks luscious though.

70th Emmy Awards - Arrivals

This suits her. Would I wear it? Never. But she’s rocking the hell out of that tulip dress.

NBC's "70th Annual Primetime Emmy Awards" - Red Carpet

My favorite look of the night and it ain’t even close and I swear it’s not because she’s married to JT and they look BOMB together. But like, it also kind of is…

View this post on Instagram

We got a babysitter. #Emmys

A post shared by Justin Timberlake (@justintimberlake) on Sep 17, 2018 at 4:47pm PDT

Television

Emmys 2017 Recap

I used to do a recap for every awards show ever…in fact I think I had to physically stop myself from watching and recapping the Kids Choice Awards. That was where I drew the line, apparently. It was a very fine line. I recapped funny things that happened, or I would critique how the host did UNTIL Trump was elected and Hollywood decided that every awards show should be their personal political platform. It’s cool guys, you have your opinions and you want to share them when everyone is watching, it’s whatever. The problem HOWEVER is that for someone who doesn’t follow politics (this guy) awards shows have officially become over my head. Their jokes, their jabs, the over-exaggerated bits–everything flies over this dum dum dome, and therefore HOW CAN I RECAP A SHOW I DON’T EVEN UNDERSTAND?! So to my true hardcore fans–I apologize for the lack of content. I genuinely don’t think awards shows are funny anymore because I’m not in on the joke. That being said, I’ve picked 5 things about the Emmys that WERE entertaining, JIC you also tuned out after the first five minutes of a song saturated by political commentary.

1. The Only Trump Joke I Laughed At. Obviously every late night host has perfected their Trump impression and Stephen Colbert hosting was a precursor to a whole lot of political nuances that I was prepared to zone out for. But then he read this tweet:

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And panned to Seth spitting up marbles. I actually burst out laughing. It’s the simple things that get me, really. What a great bit. Colin Jost’s casj straight face really hits it home.

marbles

2. Anna Chlumsky is the new Taylor Swift.

That @AnnaChlumsky reaction deserves an Emmy. #Emmys pic.twitter.com/sfEZHqnx4H

— Morgan A Baila (@morganbaila) September 18, 2017

I’ve never seen a more overdramatic over-reactor since Taylor Swift owned the audience cam at every awards show ever. Anna puts asses in the seats when it comes to facial expressions. Half the time I didn’t even know something was supposed to create emotions until I looked to her face for guidance. She was shocked, she sobbed for no reason during an acceptance speech & she pulled a full range of weird faces while onstage during Veep’s acceptance, just trying to find the right one. Do 1000% less, Anna.

I love Anna Chlumsky feeling all the things real hard #Emmys pic.twitter.com/6ufTHV4IbZ

— Siobhan Morris (@siomo) September 18, 2017

3a. RIGHT ON THE KISSER.

Kidman went 90, Skarsgard went 10. Also double hands on the hips. RIGHT in front of her husband. Nothing you can do to stop Skarsgard. NADA! pic.twitter.com/LmOWG86gDV

— KFC (@KFCBarstool) September 18, 2017

I missed this happening live and was so happy that it was on twitter within minutes. God Bless Twitter. HOW can you possibly kiss your co-star like that right in Keith’s grill piece? That’s some cold shit, Kidman. Like I get that you guys had a real, shall we say, intimate acting experience together–but like NOT a good look to make out on live TV. If I were Keith I would’ve popped him right smack in the middle of that stupid ‘stache he’s rocking. My friend and I sat there with baited breath through Nicole’s acceptance speech to see if she would even thank Keith because obviously we were convinced just from that kiss that she’s having an affair. Cheating is bad but like maybe Nicole sleeping with her costar is what Keith needs to clean up that hairstyle that he’s had since 1997. It’s such a horrific mom cut and it does not belong on his head. Just saying. This could be beneficial for all. BTW she did gush over her hubs and called him “my Keith” so I guess she wins back points for that. BUT I HAVE MY EYE ON THE SITUATION.

3b. Nicole hates Reese.

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Big Little Lies was my draw to the Emmys this year. Each year I watch one thing that’s worthy of awards and BLL was my golden ticket this time around. So I was extra interested every time they were on screen, especially because they made such a giant deal about all being women and how GROUNDBREAKING it is that women are lead roles in Hollywood, which I feel like has been going on for some time, but whatevs. I knew that they all couldn’t be besties like they kept blabbing on about so I waited for the weak moment and I didn’t really need to search hard for it. Nicole was up against Reese for lead actress in a mini-series and when she won, she kissed that husband of hers (at least it wasn’t Alex this time) and bolted up to the stage at lightning speed. Reese was sitting DIRECTLY BEHIND HER. All it would’ve taken was a quarter turn and fake butt-out hug but she didn’t even give her that. BURN CITY, Population: Reese Witherspoon. Then she starts her speech with “Reese, I share this with you.” Do you though? And then proceeded to have a 15 minute speech that the DJ didn’t DARE play off. Suddenly Nicole Kidman is a power player? What is going on here.

4. The Pearsons are REAL.

Sterling K Brown is that dude. #Emmys pic.twitter.com/ZWg47kAwQZ

— Josh Sánchez (@jnsanchez) September 18, 2017

I may be biased because Sterling K Brown delivered my favorite speech from last year’s Emmys but I also feel like he deserves a shout out because they played him off the minute he opened his mouth last night–yet let Nicole Kidman talk for an hour and a half. AND THAT AIN’T RIGHT. Before they literally cut the camera away because he kept talking over the music (KEEP PLAYING, BITCHES) he thanked his This is Us family “You are the best white TV family that a brother has ever had.” That just warms my heart. THEY’RE A REAL FAMILY, YOU GUYS.

5. Oprah.

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I don’t know if I just haven’t been paying attention lately now that Oprah is off TV, just living somewhere soaking in her riches from the OWN network, but girl has dropped an ENTIRE PERSON in weight. She’s got some sassy dark frames and she looked like a real babe soda last night. CBS knew it too. They plopped her front row center so that everyone had no choice but to admire the O. Even John Oliver thanked her in his speech because “she’s sitting right in front of me and it seems inappropriate not to.” Everyone bow down to Skinny Ope. PS White is NOT slimming so it’s even ballsier for her to wear that whoutfit and still look SAP.

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Red Carpet

Emmys 2017 Red Carpet

Kickoff to AWARDS SEASONnNnNNn!!!!! Let’s do this, BITCHES. I’m sorry. I’m just so jazzed and ready to judge.

WORST

69th Primetime Emmy Awards - Insider, Los Angeles, USA - 17 Sep 2017

We caught you ANNA, trying to sneak past the paps so you don’t have to talk about your divorce. Unfortunately this applique jewel toned dress does not allow you to hide.

69th Annual Primetime Emmy Awards - Arrivals

The sleeves. And the cutouts. And the dress made of old aluminum can tabs. I’m not sure which detail I hate more.

69th Primetime Emmy Awards, Arrivals, Los Angeles, USA - 17 Sep 2017

This dress would’ve been fine if they didn’t tack on a foot of black feathers to the end.

Evan Rachel Wood

ERW’s commitment to wearing a suit to every red carpet is getting to be a bit much at this point. Take this tuxedo look for example, she’s wearing literally 3 jackets on top, all different lengths. As my friend Kat pointed out, from the back she looks like a beetle. Not great.

69th Annual Primetime Emmy Awards - Arrivals

LOVE my girl Reese, and obviously she looks good in whatever she wears but like come on. It’s the Emmy’s, not a women in business luncheon. Pick a different look.

2017 Primetime Emmy Awards - Arrivals, Los Angeles, USA - 17 Sep 2017

This shade of yellow is making my eyes bleed out.

69th Annual Primetime Emmy Awards - Arrivals

I don’t know if I expect Stanley Tucci to be fashionable AF just because of the Devil Wears Prada but he really disappointed me with these baggy ass pants that clearly weren’t tailored to his height. Get it togets, Tooch.

Tracee Ellis Ross

Sleeve/feather combo. ENOUGH.

Ariel Winter

I’m honestly surprised she didn’t just roll up in her jorts with her anus hanging out but having one scrap of fabric cover your bits is no better.

69th Primetime Emmy Awards, Arrivals, Los Angeles, USA - 17 Sep 2017

Girl’s gotta learn that trying to dress young when your face is literally melting off of your head just makes ya look worse. Hot pink with a sassy pony extension is not for everyone.

69th Annual Primetime Emmy Awards - Arrivals

These tig ole bitties are seconds away from dumping out onto the red carpet.

69th Primetime Emmy Awards, Arrivals, Los Angeles, USA - 17 Sep 2017

I’m naush just looking at this.

Debra Messing

Nothing will ever beat my reaction watching Debra walk away from an interview on the red carpet and discovering that it looked like an actual table was sewn into the bottom of her dress. WHAT kind of style is that?! Also, shiny burgundy latex. Guess it would be easy peasy cleanup if someone ralphed on her dress.

69th Annual Primetime Emmy Awards - Arrivals

This is a child’s dress and I will fight anyone who says otherwise.

Elizabeth Marvel

No clue who this is I just wanted to point out that sewing pashminas together is now considered a red carpet look.

69th Primetime Emmy Awards, Arrivals, Los Angeles, USA - 17 Sep 2017

Congrats, Julie you look like a fish.

69th Annual Primetime Emmy Awards - Arrivals

I have no words because everything about this dress is bad.

Kristin Cavallari

I feeeeeellll liiiiiike maybe the top of this dress was measured wrong and that her boobs don’t have a home here. Also why does Kristin get to walk the red carpet and LC doesn’t? Jus sayin.

69th Primetime Emmy Awards, Arrivals, Los Angeles, USA - 17 Sep 2017

Is Toby secretly a Las Vegas magician?

69th Primetime Emmy Awards - Limo Drop Off, Los Angeles, USA - 17 Sep 2017

This takes mermaid bottom to a whole ‘notha level.

69th Primetime Emmy Awards, Arrivals, Los Angeles, USA - 17 Sep 2017

I’m sorry, are these SHOULDER PADS?

69th Primetime Emmy Awards, Arrivals, Los Angeles, USA - 17 Sep 2017

Sofia is wearing the same dress she always wears except she decided to toss bangs and a pony into the mix and it was the wrong decision.

69th Primetime Emmy Awards - Limo Drop Off, Los Angeles, USA - 17 Sep 2017

ANKLE PANTS.

69th Primetime Emmy Awards, Arrivals, Los Angeles, USA - 17 Sep 2017

This KILLS me. Because I literally gasped as I saw Mandy’s face and the top of the dress and was already predicting she would be my favorite look of the night. Then I scrolled down. And was so, so disappointed. Homegurl, why you going for the Shamu tutu? If the top layer of black tulle went straight down this would be BOMB.

BEST

Melissa McCarthy, Ben Falcone

These two look fabulous togets.

69th Annual Primetime Emmy Awards - Arrivals

This is on here because I was genuinely shocked to see Peyton Sawyer on a red carpet, looking babe and actually smiling. You go, girl. (ALSO SHE’S PREGGERS?!)

69th Annual Primetime Emmy Awards - Arrivals

JLD literally doesn’t age.

69th Primetime Emmy Awards, Arrivals, Los Angeles, USA - 17 Sep 2017

I rocked back and forth between hating this and loving this and finally settled on loving it. Does she look like a giant pinata? Kind of. But also I would want to wear this fun as shit dress and I bet it’s super comfy to pass out drunk in.

69th Primetime Emmy Awards, Arrivals, Los Angeles, USA - 17 Sep 2017

I rip real hard on Nicole Kidman but this looks good. Except for the pink mismatched heels. But I’LL LET IT GO.

69th Annual Primetime Emmy Awards - Arrivals

I mean obviously.

69th Primetime Emmy Awards - Limo Drop Off, Los Angeles, USA - 17 Sep 2017

I don’t know if I love the flyaways poking out of this dress but these two look pretty chic as a coups.

Priyanka Chopra

I know I shit on all the other feather bottoms, but like, this one is different. Because she looks stunning in this regardless of the texture.

Tatiana Maslany, Tom Cullen

BABE SODAS.

Seth Meyers

I’m beginning to realize that it’s either ankle biter pants or baggy ankles in men’s suits. There is no in between.

69th Primetime Emmy Awards - Limo Drop Off, Los Angeles, USA - 17 Sep 2017

SLAY ALL DAY.

69th Primetime Emmy Awards, Arrivals, Los Angeles, USA - 17 Sep 2017

Her boobs are basically the perfect size for this scandal of a dress, thus making it endearing and not slutty.

Tichina Arnold

That leg, grl.

69th Primetime Emmy Awards, Arrivals, Los Angeles, USA - 17 Sep 2017

I’m into all of it.

69th Annual Primetime Emmy Awards - Arrivals

I feel like I’ve never seen Heidi wear a baggy dress and I needed this shake up. Obviously she still needed a slit up to her RB curtz to stay true to her roots but whatevs. ❤ Bohemian Heidi

69th Primetime Emmy Awards, Arrivals, Los Angeles, USA - 17 Sep 2017

This was the most feminine I’ve ever seen Kate look and she’s crushing it.

69th Primetime Emmy Awards - Arrivals, Los Angeles, USA - 17 Sep 2017 \

Dunno this actress but I respect the hell out of a violet scandal like this.

69th Annual Primetime Emmy Awards - Arrivals

Lea looks like a fall dream.

69th Primetime Emmy Awards, Arrivals, Los Angeles, USA - 17 Sep 2017

What a delicate flower.

69th Primetime Emmy Awards, Arrivals, Los Angeles, USA - 17 Sep 2017

G might be awkward as hell on the red carpet but this is a dress right here.

69th Annual Primetime Emmy Awards - Arrivals

Take notes, gentlemen.

69th Primetime Emmy Awards, Arrivals, Los Angeles, USA - 17 Sep 2017

I was really digging on this powder blue for some reason.

69th Primetime Emmy Awards, Arrivals, Los Angeles, USA - 17 Sep 2017

This is how you do sparkle.

69th Primetime Emmy Awards, Arrivals, Los Angeles, USA - 17 Sep 2017

What a little Hugh Hef in training.

69th Annual Primetime Emmy Awards - Arrivals

Was it a rule that if you’re under 10 you show up looking like a baller?

Chrishell Stause, Justin Hartley

This is purely to drool over Justin Hartley in a suit.

Millie Bobby Brown

You know I love when a girl looks age approps and cute! Cough cough, anyone but Ariel Winter.

69th Primetime Emmy Awards - Limo Drop Off, Los Angeles, USA - 17 Sep 2017

Felicity showing up the older crowd on the red carpet who tried too hard to look young and ended up looking like they belonged in a Wax Museum.

69th Primetime Emmy Awards, Arrivals, Los Angeles, USA - 17 Sep 2017

James always looks spiffy.

Milo Ventimiglia

Ugh, Milo. Swoon city.

69th Annual Primetime Emmy Awards - Arrivals

Fall goals: a dress with literal leaves on it.

69th Primetime Emmy Awards, Arrivals, Los Angeles, USA - 17 Sep 2017

Pretty, pretty princess.

Shailene Woodley

Even though Shai’s hair looks like a wig, this dress is killer.

69th Primetime Emmy Awards, Arrivals, Los Angeles, USA - 17 Sep 2017

Feelin that hunter green, clearly.

69th Annual Primetime Emmy Awards - Arrivals

Love this color, could do without the awksies underboob cutout.

69th Annual Primetime Emmy Awards - Arrivals

I wish JT were hanging off that arm, but putting jealousy aside Jessica looks bangin. Everything is werkin except her poof could’ve been taken down an inch or two. Fave look of the night.

Television

Emmys 2016 Recap

I missed the monologue (edit: then found it online and was immediately swayed to call at least one person a sneaky little crumpet-muncher this week) but I’m willing to give Jimmy Kimmel my stamp of approval as host because he’s pretty damn likeable and 90% of his jokes landed throughout the show. Even a Bill Cosby reference. Plus, his beef with Matt Damon should be old at this point but they found a way to keep it fresh. Also, he’s not Andy Samberg, who literally buzzkilled real hard last year. And that’s saying a lot since my power went out mid-show and I still missed half of his bits. Anyway, since my TV consumption pretty much begins and ends with trash, I don’t have a lot of knowledge of the nominees (except for People vs. OJ..prayers up that I watched something of “value” this year) but I do have a lot of snarky comments and here’s a brief recap of the 10 best things about the kickoff to the most wonderful time of the year—awards season.

1. Food jokes part 3. By law, there must always be a food bit at awards shows because Hollywood as a group, doesn’t eat. If you’ll recall we’ve already had pizzas delivered via Ellen at the Oscars and then a follow-up of girl scout cookies with Chris Rock. Kimmel went for a more traditional route by having his mom make everyone PB&J’s and I didn’t hate it. Mostly it just made me salivate for one, cut diagonally of course. Cin, could you whip one up and overnight it? Everyone knows a PB&J doesn’t taste good unless your mom has made it with love. It was a nice touch that Mrs. Kimmel also included a personal note in each sack lunch. I officially rank this bit above the girl scout cookies but will never hold a candle to A list celebs shoving a cheese slice in their pizza hole in evening wear.

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1a. JUice’s take on the Juice. As a part of this brown baggin it sketch, Jimmy also handed out juiceboxes and as an eternal fan of Ross’s tireless repeating of “Uncle Juice” for the entire season of The People vs. OJ, he fully deserved to be roasted via actual juicebox.

2. Claire Danes took a trip to the actual sun for tonight’s look. Unfortunately I missed Claire walking the red carpet but I can only hope that one of the interviewers asked her where she got her “glow” and then quickly answered for her “THE SUN?!”, Chandler Bing style. Wooooooooof to that spray tan girl. Double woof to an actual headline that I saw calling it a glow. That ain’t a glow. That’s toeing the line with blackface.

68th Annual Primetime Emmy Awards - Arrivals

rosstan

3. John Mayer’s guitar face wins all the Emmy’s. If you’ve ever been a fan of J.May you know that he has an all-time guitar stank face. Since he’s decided to become an official deadhead and tour the country jam-band style instead of making new bangerz, I’ve really missed that pinched look gracing my TV. It was a wonderful surprise to see it before commercial breaks. The only thing that was missing was a T. Swizzy audience dance-fest cutaway. (Could’ve really used this for Hiddleston’s entrance as well…just sayin the Emmy’s was missing drama.) PS I don’t count moving the camera from Hiddleston to Mayer as drama. Stop being so immature, Emmys.

jmay guitaro johnmayer johnmayeremmys

4. Comedy females crushed the genuine. Kate McKinnon won supporting actress for SNL and Julia Louis-Dreyfus won lead actress for Veep. Both ladies owned the acceptance speech. Kate brought the tears but wanted to clarify that they were real, which is important to know coming from a sketch actress. Julia apologized for creating an environment where it’s ok for politics to be a big ole joke but then it got real dusty in here when she talked about her dad dying a few days ago. We should all thank our parents for actually liking us because I imagine that can be difficult sometimes. (90% of the time, for me.)

Kate McKinnon just owned her #Emmys speech. pic.twitter.com/ngQRAq7N3C

— TV Guide (@TVGuide) September 19, 2016

#Emmys: @OfficialJLD would like to "personally apologize for the current political climate" https://t.co/ArRcTbJOii pic.twitter.com/QHeClQNzGR

— Hollywood Reporter (@THR) September 19, 2016

WATCH: Julia Louis-Dreyfus dedicates her #Emmys win to her father who passed away this past Friday. https://t.co/pD9vF3hx6u

— Good Morning America (@GMA) September 19, 2016

5. KYLE CHANDLER, YAAASSSSSSS. Coach presents an award for something that I immediately ignored because I was busy slobbering all over how good he looked onstage. Clear eyes, full hearts, Kyle Chandler doesn’t age. Then Kit Harington and Andy Samberg do a bit about kissing him and he gets a second moment to shine. Obviously I would give Kyle Chandler a million kisses but I’ll also throw a smooch to whoever wrote him into the show this much. It was needed.

We'll kiss you too, Kyle Chandler 💋 #Emmys https://t.co/HnJc9BcBkA pic.twitter.com/sXZRJAGMWj

— Us Weekly (@usweekly) September 19, 2016

View this post on Instagram

Reunited. #Emmys #fnl #blurry

A post shared by connie britton (@conniebritton) on Sep 19, 2016 at 12:36am PDT

And not for nothing but I would also give all the kisses to Kit Harington as well. Swoon city.

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6. Matt Damon makes me want to start snacking healthy again. Damon continues his beef with Kimmel by strolling onstage post-lose and showing that he actually can be hilarious…and also that he’s the most graceful apple eater on this earth. Seriously, when I bite into an apple one would think a horse has gotten loose with the chomping and apple spray that ensues. Matt managed to chew like a hot piece while simultaneously roasting Jimmy and I’m proud of him for it.

"This is so humiliating, you lost and now you have to stand out here…" – Matt Damon to @jimmykimmel. #Emmys https://t.co/LKSUlAifT7

— Good Morning America (@GMA) September 19, 2016

screen-shot-2016-09-19-at-8-20-15-am

7. Queen B lost, but Hova won. Lemonade didn’t win (middle fingers up) but Jay-Z got to write the COOLEST line a guy could give to his lady via acceptance speech. Sterling K. Brown of People vs. OJ won, and confidently closed his speech with the lyric “I got the hottest chick in the game rocking my chain.” So, like, he got laid last night.

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Seriously, it’s goals on goals to be called out like that. Then Courtney B. Vance tried to get all up on that, copycat style. And then a white guy ruined it later on…Typs.

courtney-vance

8. Ryan Murphy Isn’t God. Even though I was proud to have actually watched a show that won shit, I would never go so far as to say that the People vs OJ was the best show on TV this year. Either way, the actors in it snag all the awards but then when the series wins, they’re played off the second they touch the mic. To be clear, everyone and their mother talked over the music until it stopped and yet the entire cast of this show was like eh, ok and just let the insulting premature strings send them packing. Should’ve taken some notes from Aziz Ansari who got played off then doubled back once he got the mic again and gave his acceptance speech. Play by your own rules People vs. OJ. Bunch of squares.

aziz

9. Tori Kelly slays. Her acoustic version of “Hallelujah”gave me all the feels for the “insert celebrity name died this year, really?” portion of the show.

tori kelly's tribute is so beautiful i have chills pic.twitter.com/qOUAxiAOmz

— angie (@rightheredinah) September 19, 2016

10. Byebyebyebyebyebyebyeeee. The final acceptance speech via the cast/crew of Game of Thrones ended with a stony-faced “bye bye” from a writer(?) possibly director or producer(?). Listen, I don’t know a damn thing about Game of Thrones other than that everyone watches it and there’s a lot of sex and murder but the biggest takeaway is that Bye Bye is SUPER weird unless you’re a marionette and you’re tacking on another bye. This might be all I remember from the 2016 Emmy’s and I respect this guy for it.

bye-bye-bye-nysnc-o

Bonus: As election season coincides with awards season, we should all get reaaalll used to the fact that all of Hollywood is “with her.” And the correlating jokes are about to get exhausting.

Red Carpet

Emmys 2016 Red Carpet

Summer’s over BOOOOOOOOOOOO times a trillion, but on the up and up, it’s awards season again and that’s something that I can totally get down with. Sunday’s were made for becoming a TV/Movie/Fashion critic from the couch. *And might I add that I have a brand new couch as of last week to break in (challenge accepted.) This year I raced back home from a weekend of drinking and made it just in the nick of time for the awards, so I can’t comment on what I’m sure was a RIVETING 3 hour block of red carpet fodder. I can, AND I WILL comment on the looks that “took a village” to create for our fave celebs.

WORST

68th Annual Primetime Emmy Awards - Arrivals

I’m pretty much always on board with a sparkle gown but on what planet did Danes think getting the Ross Gellar one-mississippi spray tan would fly under the radar?

Ariel Winter

We get it girl, the Kardashians are your idols.

68th Primetime Emmy Awards, Arrivals, Los Angeles, USA - 18 Sep 2016

1970’s chair cover…or something like that.

68th Primetime Emmy Awards, Arrivals, Los Angeles, USA - 18 Sep 2016

I love the shit out of Quinn and fingers crossed that Constance wins for that role but this look is not a W for me.

68th Primetime Emmy Awards, Arrivals, Los Angeles, USA - 18 Sep 2016

I mean, I guess if you wear your nightie to the show, no need to change before bed.

Heidi Klum

This dress embodies everything that’s stressful about dressing for fall. Chilly in the morning then roasting by noon? No prob just wear one long sleeve, one spaghetti strap like Heidi.

68th Annual Primetime Emmy Awards - Arrivals

WHAT IS THIS CONCOCTION?!

68th Annual Primetime Emmy Awards - Arrivals

Let it be known that I LOVE a man in a fitted suit but I hate it when it look like they’re wearing a bib. Sry Aziz.

Mandy Moore

Color looks good on her, cupcake ruffles do naht.

Entertainment: 68th Emmy Awards Let’s call CURTAINS on this dress. See what I did there?! SEE?!

68th Annual Primetime Emmy Awards - Arrivals

This seems pretty self-explanatory.

Minnie Driver

Another weird cut-out sitch.

Kathy Bates

Not even being sarcastic but was this one of Kathy’s costumes from Titanic?

68th Annual Primetime Emmy Awards - Arrivals

Ok ladies, time to discover that the cape/additional layers at the hips made you look wiiiiider than you are.

Michelle Dockery

CUPCAKE

Julie Bowen

Julie Bowen’s width is that of a grain of rice.

68th Annual Primetime Emmy Awards - Arrivals

Pants are fun because you can sit with your legs wide open but this feels kind of like a throwing a dressy top over some leggings for the red carpet vibe.

68th Primetime Emmy Awards, Arrivals, Los Angeles, USA - 18 Sep 2016

HEY EVERYONE, KERRY IS PREGGERZ. The more you know.

Sarah Paulson

This is all sorts of Christmas tree hideous.

BEST

68th Annual Primetime Emmy Awards - Arrivals

Don’t know why Tori is here but I’m down with the classic glam.

68th Primetime Emmy Awards, Arrivals, Los Angeles, USA - 18 Sep 2016

Killin it with that plaid jacket.

68th Annual Primetime Emmy Awards - Arrivals

Bowing down to Connie 4 life.

Entertainment: 68th Emmy Awards

If we’re being honest, I drooled a little bit just over Jane’s shoes. The dress is dece but I’m really crushing on those shoes.

68th Emmy Awards Arrivals 2016

A rare win for yellow in Taraji

68th Annual Primetime Emmy Awards

This was one of my fave looks of the night. Unfortunately once Tina hit the stage I saw that she too fell victim to the aggressive spray tan. I’m willing to overlook it because she’s ROCKING the green.

Sofia Vergara

Ho, hum, just another pic of Sofia looking like a bombshell.

68th Annual Primetime Emmy Awards - Arrivals

The leather criss cross sneaking in

68th Primetime Emmy Awards, Arrivals, Los Angeles, USA - 18 Sep 2016

I’m giving Claire a second chance because I actually do like the dress plus Hugh looks banging of course.

Justin Mikita, Jesse Tyler Ferguson

Dapper dudes right there.

Andy Samberg

Blue suit award of the eve.

68th Annual Primetime Emmy Awards - Arrivals

Less is always more.

68th Annual Primetime Emmy Awards - Arrivals

#TeamTaylor (if there are teams for a fake relationship/breakup) but he looks alright enough to give props.

68th Primetime Emmy Awards, Arrivals, Los Angeles, USA - 18 Sep 2016

HOT RACHEL.

68th Annual Primetime Emmy Awards - Arrivals

Another favorite of the night because I like sparkly things and I’m envious of women who can wear a skin tight dress and not look like they just ate 10 hamburgers.

68th Annual Primetime Emmy Awards - Arrivals

Kate looks phenomenal and spoiler alert she wins so extra bonus points for that.

68th Primetime Emmy Awards, Arrivals, Los Angeles, USA - 18 Sep 2016

Ladies were all about the red and I’m all for it.

68th Primetime Emmy Awards, Arrivals, Los Angeles, USA - 18 Sep 2016

White after labor day on point.

68th Primetime Emmy Awards, Arrivals, Los Angeles, USA - 18 Sep 2016

It’s always good to see a 90’s queen still killing it.

Kristen Bell

Typically I would hate a dress with peacocks(?) on it but she’s werkin it.

68th Annual Primetime Emmy Awards - Arrivals

Emilia Clarke

Two syllable daaaaa-yummmnn worthy.

The Salty Ju

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