Television

Emmys 2017 Recap

I used to do a recap for every awards show ever…in fact I think I had to physically stop myself from watching and recapping the Kids Choice Awards. That was where I drew the line, apparently. It was a very fine line. I recapped funny things that happened, or I would critique how the host did UNTIL Trump was elected and Hollywood decided that every awards show should be their personal political platform. It’s cool guys, you have your opinions and you want to share them when everyone is watching, it’s whatever. The problem HOWEVER is that for someone who doesn’t follow politics (this guy) awards shows have officially become over my head. Their jokes, their jabs, the over-exaggerated bits–everything flies over this dum dum dome, and therefore HOW CAN I RECAP A SHOW I DON’T EVEN UNDERSTAND?! So to my true hardcore fans–I apologize for the lack of content. I genuinely don’t think awards shows are funny anymore because I’m not in on the joke. That being said, I’ve picked 5 things about the Emmys that WERE entertaining, JIC you also tuned out after the first five minutes of a song saturated by political commentary.

1. The Only Trump Joke I Laughed At. Obviously every late night host has perfected their Trump impression and Stephen Colbert hosting was a precursor to a whole lot of political nuances that I was prepared to zone out for. But then he read this tweet:

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And panned to Seth spitting up marbles. I actually burst out laughing. It’s the simple things that get me, really. What a great bit. Colin Jost’s casj straight face really hits it home.

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2. Anna Chlumsky is the new Taylor Swift.

I’ve never seen a more overdramatic over-reactor since Taylor Swift owned the audience cam at every awards show ever. Anna puts asses in the seats when it comes to facial expressions. Half the time I didn’t even know something was supposed to create emotions until I looked to her face for guidance. She was shocked, she sobbed for no reason during an acceptance speech & she pulled a full range of weird faces while onstage during Veep’s acceptance, just trying to find the right one. Do 1000% less, Anna.

3a. RIGHT ON THE KISSER.

I missed this happening live and was so happy that it was on twitter within minutes. God Bless Twitter. HOW can you possibly kiss your co-star like that right in Keith’s grill piece? That’s some cold shit, Kidman. Like I get that you guys had a real, shall we say, intimate acting experience together–but like NOT a good look to make out on live TV. If I were Keith I would’ve popped him right smack in the middle of that stupid ‘stache he’s rocking. My friend and I sat there with baited breath through Nicole’s acceptance speech to see if she would even thank Keith because obviously we were convinced just from that kiss that she’s having an affair. Cheating is bad but like maybe Nicole sleeping with her costar is what Keith needs to clean up that hairstyle that he’s had since 1997. It’s such a horrific mom cut and it does not belong on his head. Just saying. This could be beneficial for all. BTW she did gush over her hubs and called him “my Keith” so I guess she wins back points for that. BUT I HAVE MY EYE ON THE SITUATION.

3b. Nicole hates Reese.

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Big Little Lies was my draw to the Emmys this year. Each year I watch one thing that’s worthy of awards and BLL was my golden ticket this time around. So I was extra interested every time they were on screen, especially because they made such a giant deal about all being women and how GROUNDBREAKING it is that women are lead roles in Hollywood, which I feel like has been going on for some time, but whatevs. I knew that they all couldn’t be besties like they kept blabbing on about so I waited for the weak moment and I didn’t really need to search hard for it. Nicole was up against Reese for lead actress in a mini-series and when she won, she kissed that husband of hers (at least it wasn’t Alex this time) and bolted up to the stage at lightning speed. Reese was sitting DIRECTLY BEHIND HER. All it would’ve taken was a quarter turn and fake butt-out hug but she didn’t even give her that. BURN CITY, Population: Reese Witherspoon. Then she starts her speech with  “Reese, I share this with you.” Do you though? And then proceeded to have a 15 minute speech that the DJ didn’t DARE play off. Suddenly Nicole Kidman is a power player? What is going on here.

4. The Pearsons are REAL.

I may be biased because Sterling K Brown delivered my favorite speech from last year’s Emmys but I also feel like he deserves a shout out because they played him off the minute he opened his mouth last night–yet let Nicole Kidman talk for an hour and a half. AND THAT AIN’T RIGHT. Before they literally cut the camera away because he kept talking over the music (KEEP PLAYING, BITCHES) he thanked his This is Us family “You are the best white TV family that a brother has ever had.” That just warms my heart. THEY’RE A REAL FAMILY, YOU GUYS.

5. Oprah.

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I don’t know if I just haven’t been paying attention lately now that Oprah is off TV, just living somewhere soaking in her riches from the OWN network, but girl has dropped an ENTIRE PERSON in weight. She’s got some sassy dark frames and she looked like a real babe soda last night. CBS knew it too. They plopped her front row center so that everyone had no choice but to admire the O. Even John Oliver thanked her in his speech because “she’s sitting right in front of me and it seems inappropriate not to.” Everyone bow down to Skinny Ope. PS White is NOT slimming so it’s even ballsier for her to wear that whoutfit and still look SAP.

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Red Carpet

Emmys 2017 Red Carpet

Kickoff to AWARDS SEASONnNnNNn!!!!! Let’s do this, BITCHES. I’m sorry. I’m just so jazzed and ready to judge.

WORST

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We caught you ANNA, trying to sneak past the paps so you don’t have to talk about your divorce. Unfortunately this applique jewel toned dress does not allow you to hide.

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The sleeves. And the cutouts. And the dress made of old aluminum can tabs. I’m not sure which detail I hate more.

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This dress would’ve been fine if they didn’t tack on a foot of black feathers to the end.

Evan Rachel Wood

ERW’s commitment to wearing a suit to every red carpet is getting to be a bit much at this point. Take this tuxedo look for example, she’s wearing literally 3 jackets on top, all different lengths. As my friend Kat pointed out, from the back she looks like a beetle. Not great.

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LOVE my girl Reese, and obviously she looks good in whatever she wears but like come on. It’s the Emmy’s, not a women in business luncheon. Pick a different look.

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This shade of yellow is making my eyes bleed out.

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I don’t know if I expect Stanley Tucci to be fashionable AF just because of the Devil Wears Prada but he really disappointed me with these baggy ass pants that clearly weren’t tailored to his height. Get it togets, Tooch.

Tracee Ellis Ross

Sleeve/feather combo. ENOUGH.

Ariel Winter

I’m honestly surprised she didn’t just roll up in her jorts with her anus hanging out but having one scrap of fabric cover your bits is no better.

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Girl’s gotta learn that trying to dress young when your face is literally melting off of your head just makes ya look worse. Hot pink with a sassy pony extension is not for everyone.

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These tig ole bitties are seconds away from dumping out onto the red carpet.

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I’m naush just looking at this.

Debra Messing

Nothing will ever beat my reaction watching Debra walk away from an interview on the red carpet and discovering that it looked like an actual table was sewn into the bottom of her dress. WHAT kind of style is that?! Also, shiny burgundy latex. Guess it would be easy peasy cleanup if someone ralphed on her dress.

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This is a child’s dress and I will fight anyone who says otherwise.

Elizabeth Marvel

No clue who this is I just wanted to point out that sewing pashminas together is now considered a red carpet look.

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Congrats, Julie you look like a fish.

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I have no words because everything about this dress is bad.

Kristin Cavallari

I feeeeeellll liiiiiike maybe the top of this dress was measured wrong and that her boobs don’t have a home here. Also why does Kristin get to walk the red carpet and LC doesn’t? Jus sayin.

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Is Toby secretly a Las Vegas magician?

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This takes mermaid bottom to a whole ‘notha level.

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I’m sorry, are these SHOULDER PADS?

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Sofia is wearing the same dress she always wears except she decided to toss bangs and a pony into the mix and it was the wrong decision.

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ANKLE PANTS.

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This KILLS me. Because I literally gasped as I saw Mandy’s face and the top of the dress and was already predicting she would be my favorite look of the night. Then I scrolled down. And was so, so disappointed. Homegurl, why you going for the Shamu tutu? If the top layer of black tulle went straight down this would be BOMB.

BEST

Melissa McCarthy, Ben Falcone

These two look fabulous togets.

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This is on here because I was genuinely shocked to see Peyton Sawyer on a red carpet, looking babe and actually smiling. You go, girl. (ALSO SHE’S PREGGERS?!)

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JLD literally doesn’t age.

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I rocked back and forth between hating this and loving this and finally settled on loving it. Does she look like a giant pinata? Kind of. But also I would want to wear this fun as shit dress and I bet it’s super comfy to pass out drunk in.

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I rip real hard on Nicole Kidman but this looks good. Except for the pink mismatched heels. But I’LL LET IT GO.

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I mean obviously.

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I don’t know if I love the flyaways poking out of this dress but these two look pretty chic as a coups.

Priyanka Chopra

I know I shit on all the other feather bottoms, but like, this one is different. Because she looks stunning in this regardless of the texture.

Tatiana Maslany, Tom Cullen

BABE SODAS.

Seth Meyers

I’m beginning to realize that it’s either ankle biter pants or baggy ankles in men’s suits. There is no in between.

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SLAY ALL DAY.

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Her boobs are basically the perfect size for this scandal of a dress, thus making it endearing and not slutty.

Tichina Arnold

That leg, grl.

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I’m into all of it.

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I feel like I’ve never seen Heidi wear a baggy dress and I needed this shake up. Obviously she still needed a slit up to her RB curtz to stay true to her roots but whatevs. ❤ Bohemian Heidi

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This was the most feminine I’ve ever seen Kate look and she’s crushing it.

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Dunno this actress but I respect the hell out of a violet scandal like this.

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Lea looks like a fall dream.

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What a delicate flower.

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G might be awkward as hell on the red carpet but this is a dress right here.

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Take notes, gentlemen.

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I was really digging on this powder blue for some reason.

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This is how you do sparkle.

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What a little Hugh Hef in training.

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Was it a rule that if you’re under 10 you show up looking like a baller?

Chrishell Stause, Justin Hartley

This is purely to drool over Justin Hartley in a suit.

Millie Bobby Brown

You know I love when a girl looks age approps and cute! Cough cough, anyone but Ariel Winter.

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Felicity showing up the older crowd on the red carpet who tried too hard to look young and ended up looking like they belonged in a Wax Museum.

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James always looks spiffy.

Milo Ventimiglia

Ugh, Milo. Swoon city.

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Fall goals: a dress with literal leaves on it.

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Pretty, pretty princess.

Shailene Woodley

Even though Shai’s hair looks like a wig, this dress is killer.

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Feelin that hunter green, clearly.

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Love this color, could do without the awksies underboob cutout.

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I wish JT were hanging off that arm, but putting jealousy aside Jessica looks bangin. Everything is werkin except her poof could’ve been taken down an inch or two. Fave look of the night.

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Television

Emmys 2016 Recap

I missed the monologue (edit: then found it online and was immediately swayed to call at least one person a sneaky little crumpet-muncher this week) but I’m willing to give Jimmy Kimmel my stamp of approval as host because he’s pretty damn likeable and 90% of his jokes landed throughout the show. Even a Bill Cosby reference. Plus, his beef with Matt Damon should be old at this point but they found a way to keep it fresh. Also, he’s not Andy Samberg, who literally buzzkilled real hard last year. And that’s saying a lot since my power went out mid-show and I still missed half of his bits. Anyway, since my TV consumption pretty much begins and ends with trash, I don’t have a lot of knowledge of the nominees (except for People vs. OJ..prayers up that I watched something of “value” this year) but I do have a lot of snarky comments and here’s a brief recap of the 10 best things about the kickoff to the most wonderful time of the year—awards season.

1. Food jokes part 3. By law, there must always be a food bit at awards shows because Hollywood as a group, doesn’t eat. If you’ll recall we’ve already had pizzas delivered via Ellen at the Oscars and then a follow-up of girl scout cookies with Chris Rock. Kimmel went for a more traditional route by having his mom make everyone PB&J’s and I didn’t hate it. Mostly it just made me salivate for one, cut diagonally of course. Cin, could you whip one up and overnight it? Everyone knows a PB&J doesn’t taste good unless your mom has made it with love. It was a nice touch that Mrs. Kimmel also included a personal note in each sack lunch. I officially rank this bit above the girl scout cookies but will never hold a candle to A list celebs shoving a cheese slice in their pizza hole in evening wear.

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1a. JUice’s take on the Juice. As a part of this brown baggin it sketch, Jimmy also handed out juiceboxes and as an eternal fan of Ross’s tireless repeating of “Uncle Juice” for the entire season of The People vs. OJ, he fully deserved to be roasted via actual juicebox.

2. Claire Danes took a trip to the actual sun for tonight’s look. Unfortunately I missed Claire walking the red carpet but I can only hope that one of the interviewers asked her where she got her “glow” and then quickly answered for her “THE SUN?!”, Chandler Bing style. Wooooooooof to that spray tan girl. Double woof to an actual headline that I saw calling it a glow. That ain’t a glow. That’s toeing the line with blackface.

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3. John Mayer’s guitar face wins all the Emmy’s. If you’ve ever been a fan of J.May you know that he has an all-time guitar stank face. Since he’s decided to become an official deadhead and tour the country jam-band style instead of making new bangerz, I’ve really missed that pinched look gracing my TV. It was a wonderful surprise to see it before commercial breaks. The only thing that was missing was a T. Swizzy audience dance-fest cutaway. (Could’ve really used this for Hiddleston’s entrance as well…just sayin the Emmy’s was missing drama.) PS I don’t count moving the camera from Hiddleston to Mayer as drama. Stop being so immature, Emmys.

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4. Comedy females crushed the genuine. Kate McKinnon won supporting actress for SNL and Julia Louis-Dreyfus won lead actress for Veep. Both ladies owned the acceptance speech. Kate brought the tears but wanted to clarify that they were real, which is important to know coming from a sketch actress. Julia apologized for creating an environment where it’s ok for politics to be a big ole joke but then it got real dusty in here when she talked about her dad dying a few days ago. We should all thank our parents for actually liking us because I imagine that can be difficult sometimes. (90% of the time, for me.)

5. KYLE CHANDLER, YAAASSSSSSS. Coach presents an award for something that I immediately ignored because I was busy slobbering all over how good he looked onstage. Clear eyes, full hearts, Kyle Chandler doesn’t age. Then Kit Harington and Andy Samberg do a bit about kissing him and he gets a second moment to shine. Obviously I would give Kyle Chandler a million kisses but I’ll also throw a smooch to whoever wrote him into the show this much. It was needed.

Reunited. #Emmys #fnl #blurry

A post shared by connie britton (@conniebritton) on

And not for nothing but I would also give all the kisses to Kit Harington as well. Swoon city.

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6. Matt Damon makes me want to start snacking healthy again. Damon continues his beef with Kimmel by strolling onstage post-lose and showing that he actually can be hilarious…and also that he’s the most graceful apple eater on this earth. Seriously, when I bite into an apple one would think a horse has gotten loose with the chomping and apple spray that ensues. Matt managed to chew like a hot piece while simultaneously roasting Jimmy and I’m proud of him for it.

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7. Queen B lost, but Hova won. Lemonade didn’t win (middle fingers up) but Jay-Z got to write the COOLEST line a guy could give to his lady via acceptance speech. Sterling K. Brown of People vs. OJ won, and confidently closed his speech with the lyric “I got the hottest chick in the game rocking my chain.” So, like, he got laid last night.

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Seriously, it’s goals on goals to be called out like that. Then Courtney B. Vance tried to get all up on that, copycat style. And then a white guy ruined it later on…Typs.

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8. Ryan Murphy Isn’t God. Even though I was proud to have actually watched a show that won shit, I would never go so far as to say that the People vs OJ was the best show on TV this year. Either way, the actors in it snag all the awards but then when the series wins, they’re played off the second they touch the mic. To be clear, everyone and their mother talked over the music until it stopped and yet the entire cast of this show was like eh, ok and just let the insulting premature strings send them packing. Should’ve taken some notes from Aziz Ansari who got played off then doubled back once he got the mic again and gave his acceptance speech. Play by your own rules People vs. OJ. Bunch of squares.

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9. Tori Kelly slays. Her acoustic version of “Hallelujah”gave me all the feels for the “insert celebrity name died this year, really?” portion of the show.

10. Byebyebyebyebyebyebyeeee. The final acceptance speech via the cast/crew of Game of Thrones ended with a stony-faced “bye bye” from a writer(?) possibly director or producer(?). Listen, I don’t know a damn thing about Game of Thrones other than that everyone watches it and there’s a lot of sex and murder but the biggest takeaway is that Bye Bye is SUPER weird unless you’re a marionette and you’re tacking on another bye. This might be all I remember from the 2016 Emmy’s and I respect this guy for it.

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Bonus: As election season coincides with awards season, we should all get reaaalll used to the fact that all of Hollywood is “with her.” And the correlating jokes are about to get exhausting.

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Red Carpet

Emmys 2016 Red Carpet

Summer’s over BOOOOOOOOOOOO times a trillion, but on the up and up, it’s awards season again and that’s something that I can totally get down with. Sunday’s were made for becoming a TV/Movie/Fashion critic from the couch. *And might I add that I have a brand new couch as of last week to break in (challenge accepted.) This year I raced back home from a weekend of drinking and made it just in the nick of time for the awards, so I can’t comment on what I’m sure was a RIVETING 3 hour block of red carpet fodder. I can, AND I WILL comment on the looks that “took a village” to create for our fave celebs.

WORST

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I’m pretty much always on board with a sparkle gown but on what planet did Danes think getting the Ross Gellar one-mississippi spray tan would fly under the radar?

Ariel Winter

We get it girl, the Kardashians are your idols.

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1970’s chair cover…or something like that.

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I love the shit out of Quinn and fingers crossed that Constance wins for that role but this look is not a W for me.

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I mean, I guess if you wear your nightie to the show, no need to change before bed.

Heidi Klum

This dress embodies everything that’s stressful about dressing for fall. Chilly in the morning then roasting by noon? No prob just wear one long sleeve, one spaghetti strap like Heidi.

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WHAT IS THIS CONCOCTION?!

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Let it be known that I LOVE a man in a fitted suit but I hate it when it look like they’re wearing a bib. Sry Aziz.

Mandy Moore

Color looks good on her, cupcake ruffles do naht.

Entertainment: 68th Emmy AwardsLet’s call CURTAINS on this dress. See what I did there?! SEE?!

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This seems pretty self-explanatory.

Minnie Driver

Another weird cut-out sitch.

Kathy Bates

Not even being sarcastic but was this one of Kathy’s costumes from Titanic?

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Ok ladies, time to discover that the cape/additional layers at the hips made you look wiiiiider than you are.

Michelle Dockery

CUPCAKE

Julie Bowen

Julie Bowen’s width is that of a grain of rice.

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Pants are fun because you can sit with your legs wide open but this feels kind of like a throwing a dressy top over some leggings for the red carpet vibe.

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HEY EVERYONE, KERRY IS PREGGERZ. The more you know.

Sarah Paulson

This is all sorts of Christmas tree hideous.

BEST

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Don’t know why Tori is here but I’m down with the classic glam.

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Killin it with that plaid jacket.

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Bowing down to Connie 4 life.

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If we’re being honest, I drooled a little bit just over Jane’s shoes. The dress is dece but I’m really crushing on those shoes.

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A rare win for yellow in Taraji

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This was one of my fave looks of the night. Unfortunately once Tina hit the stage I saw that she too fell victim to the aggressive spray tan. I’m willing to overlook it because she’s ROCKING the green.

Sofia Vergara

Ho, hum, just another pic of Sofia looking like a bombshell.

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The leather criss cross sneaking in

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I’m giving Claire a second chance because I actually do like the dress plus Hugh looks banging of course.

Justin Mikita, Jesse Tyler Ferguson

Dapper dudes right there.

Andy Samberg

Blue suit award of the eve.

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Less is always more.

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#TeamTaylor (if there are teams for a fake relationship/breakup) but he looks alright enough to give props.

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HOT RACHEL.

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Another favorite of the night because I like sparkly things and I’m envious of women who can wear a skin tight dress and not look like they just ate 10 hamburgers.

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Kate looks phenomenal and spoiler alert she wins so extra bonus points for that.

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Ladies were all about the red and I’m all for it.

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White after labor day on point.

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It’s always good to see a 90’s queen still killing it.

Kristen Bell

Typically I would hate a dress with peacocks(?) on it but she’s werkin it.

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Emilia Clarke

Two syllable daaaaa-yummmnn worthy.

 

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Television

Emmy’s 2015 Recap

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If I didn’t have boozy root beer to get me through last night’s awards, I would have absolutely snoozed right through them. There were not enough SNL cast members bits and Andy Samberg told a bunch of dad jokes. If you didn’t catch my Red Carpet blog, I’ll just play my tiny violin one more time when I announce that simply by staying hydrated, I quite possibly ended the life of my fairly new Macbook. Come hell or high water though, I couldn’t let my thousands of screaming fans down and so I busted out the ole quill and ink during the show last night and took notes on some parchment paper… then my friend Lindsey lent me her laptop for the eve so I could deliver the goods. Someday she’ll receive royalties for this…today’s not that day. Anyway, I just wanted to make sure everyone properly ‘preciated the dedication I have to being the saltiest of Ju’s.

Lows:

-We have an immediate low when Andy Samberg kicks off the show with “Justin Timberlake is not going to be here, let’s get that out of the way.” WHAT AN OUTRAGEOUS LETDOWN. I hated Andy immediately. (FTR there WAS no JT…or JFALL for that matter.)

-Andy did two musical bits that made me want to slice my ears right off, the opener where he was a smelly underground creature who binge-watched every show and the unfortunately bloody “Emmy’s Can Kill” number later in the show.

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-A pretend beef between Andy and Amy where they just pan to Amy giving a dirty look. This would have been 10,000 times funnier if he was talking and Amy stormed the stage and said ” ANDY, WHAT’S GOOD?”

-John Stamos takes the stage with Gina Rodriguez where they make everyone uncomfy by hitting on each other, I don’t even recall them presenting an award. Although I would give my left leg to have Uncle Jesse get all up on me and whisper sweet nothings in my ear.

-Empire stars Taraji P. Henson and Terrence Howard present and ooze the awksies. They try to banter but it’s weird and ends in a cheek smooch not a minute too soon.

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-Olive Kitteridge wins 1 trillion awards, which is great for something no one had ever heard of, also sets up Andy for some new dadtastic material:

-Tracy Morgan makes his comeback to a standing O, gets serious for a minute then quickly says he’s gon get a lot of women pregnant at the after parties. Eeekkk.

-Apple Music debuts a new commercial with Taraji, Kerry Washington and Mary J. Blige where they essentially embody every girls night pregame ever and listen to 90’s hip hop and dance. Stop trying so hard, Apple.

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-There’s a quick break for a guy to get onstage and talk about college students and states “Today’s college students are tomorrow’s Emmy winning artists.” This should probably be the tagline of Marist College’s Radio/TV/Film major. Slap that in the brochure. #NotBitterAtAll #PerpetuallyFunemployed

Highs:

-Hollywood’s leading men show us that the Emmy’s aren’t worth picking up the razor for.

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-Apparently it was like 1 billion degrees in LA last night and therefore everyone had the shiniest of foreheads. STARS SWEAT JUST LIKE US!

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-Andy MOSTLY sucked, but here were his two best one liners, in my honest opinion: “Racism is over. Don’t fact check that,” from his monologue when he talked about how this is the most diverse group of nominees ever. And while introducing Adrian Brody to the stage, “The only person I can stand next to and say I’ve got a cute little button nose.” This was awesome because Brody had to take the stage after hearing that.

-“We Are Amy.” Two funny Amy’s present the first award, get a makeup and hair touchup before taking the stage and then talk about how they’re going to be judged for what they wore (sarrryyy) and how Amy’s going to black out later. Out of all the presenters, these two were best at actually being funny.

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-Ricky Gervais uses his time presenting to pretend he won an Emmy since he was snubbed before…this is only funny because everyone hated Ricky and shit all over him when he hosted and he knows it so he milks his stage time just to irritate people.

-James Corden mocks the vote counters of Ernst & Young, then selfies with them.

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-Jimmy Kimmel announces that he could easily give the Emmy to whoever he wants, like Joey Tribbiani for example, then eats the card with the winner on it. The only thing that makes this entertaining is that Matt LeBlanc didn’t win and showed that he didn’t love the Friends dig.

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-Best moment of the night is obviously awarded to Amy Poehler…in an excrutiatingly boring show, she managed to make me giggle uncontrollably just by throwing on a hoodie and some shades in her DGAF act while being nominated for Parks & Rec. The camera panned to her multiple times for reaction shots and it was gold every single time.

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-Regina King wins (I’m guessing it’s a long time coming since she was in A Cinderella Story many moons ago) and her gal pal Taraji presents it then screeches for her. What a ride or die friend.

-Andy Samberg gives out login info for HBO Go, which is nice for people who don’t have HBO and really want to see what this Olive Kitteridge bologna is all about, but what I could really use is a Hulu login for The Mindy Project this season. PS if you missed it: username-khaleesifan3@emmyhost.com, password-password1

-Amy Schumer wins for Inside Amy and is so excited and flustered that she thanks her head writer first who “had a baby like 10 seconds ago” and whoever created her smokey eye. Keep doing you, girl.

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-Jon Hamm beached whales it onto the stage for his W, except he looks like a stealth agent instead of a floundering sea urchin like I absolutely would have. He gets real serious after that…BOOOOOO.

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-Viola Davis makes history with her win and Taraji hugs the shit out of her proving to be the best hype girl, even when she loses. I would like her to come over and cheer for me as I accomplish day to day tasks.

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Full List of Winners:

Supporting Actress, Comedy: Allison Janney, Mom

Comedy Series, Writing: Veep

Supporting Actor, Comedy: Tony Hale, Veep

Guest Actor in Comedy Series: Bradley Whitford, Transparent

Guest Actress in Comedy Series: Joan Cusack, Shameless

Director, Comedy Series: Jill Soloway, Transparent

Lead Actor, Comedy Series: Jeffrey Tambor, Transparent

Lead Actress, Comedy Series: Julia Louis-Dreyfus, Veep

Reality Competition: The Voice

Writing, Limited Series Drama: Jane Anderson, Out of Carriage

Supporting Actress, Limited Series, Drama: Regina King, American Crime

Director of Limited Series Drama: Olive Kitteridge

Supporting Actor, Limited Series Drama: Bill Murray, Olive Kitteridge

Lead Actress, Limited Series Drama: Frances McDormand, Olive Kitteridge

Lead Actor, Limited Series Drama: Richard Jenkins, Olive Kitteridge

Outstanding Limited Series: Olive Kitteridge

Writing, Variety Series: Daily Show with Jon Stewart

Variety Sketch: Inside Amy Schumer

Directing, Variety Series: Daily Show with Jon Stewart

Variety Talk Series: Daily Show with Jon Stewart

Guest Actor, Drama Series: Reg E. Cathey, House of Cards

Guest Actress, Drama Series: Margo Martindale, The Americans

Drama Series, Writing: Game of Thrones

Supporting Actress, Drama: Uzo Aduba, Orange is the New Black

Directing, Drama Series: David Nutter, Game of Thrones

Supporting Actor, Drama: Peter Dinklage, Game of Thrones

Lead Actor, Drama: Jon Hamm, Mad Men

Lead Actress, Drama: Viola Davis, How to Get Away with Murder

Outstanding Comedy Series: Veep

Outstanding Drama Series: Game of Thrones

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Red Carpet

Emmys 2015 Red Carpet

Back in biz with legit–no one is shouting profanities at each other or declaring their upcoming run for office–awards shows. Let’s get right to it.

PS I’d like to formally apologize for the abrupt change in picture size, I did this really hilarious and cool thing called dumping a glass of water on my macbook this weekend (woooooo party animal) and had to get ratchet to deliver this red carpet blog–half done on my phone, half on the computer. Shout out to mah bestie for loaning me her laptop for the night. True friends loan electronics for a completely unnecessary and inconsequential blog post. Needlepoint THAT on a pillow.

WORST:

   christina-hendricks

Girl, we get it. Ya got some yabbos. Don’t need to always see them.

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Do Less, Giulz.

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I don’t understand how this is a finished product.

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This girl is 15, and I get that when you’re 15 you want to wear a cute top and leggings, but like not on a red carpet.

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Completely unnecessary embroidered shoulder hat.

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It kills me to do this but I sincerely hate this mustard bottle color. I know she can look more glam, she crushes it ever other time.

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She literally looks like a statue in this.

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This outfit gives Tatiana an unfortunate jenis, err I guess since she’s wearing a tuxedo, a tuxenis.

Chains were apparently suuupes trend-doggs this year. I don’t love it. I also don’t love Hugh’s woof bedhead.

Eye sore dress.

Maisie decided to turn the Emmy’s into MK&A’s Sleepover Party, I guess.

  

I don’t know, I’m just not feeling anything about this look.

It certainly is Amy’s year but c’mon. This is not a flattering pick. Props for the hand fan though, I used to love setting that bad boy up on my desk at school only to have an immature little grubber stick his fingers in it while it was running.

Look! It’s the just sewn together cupcake.

  

Besides the very 70’s curtains bottom, that bright blue smokey eye is roof stooof.

I quite literally shrieked in fear when I saw this. American Horror Story is correct.

Matt LeBlanc looks like he’s working red carpet security detail. Bruh, act like you’ve been here before.

I feel like the Emmy’s aren’t the place to leave nothing to the imagination.

BEST:

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Getting a breast reduction may have been slapping God in the face, but these warlocks look fab now. Very subtle and elegant.

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Amy with the sassy cutouts, grrrrllll new hair, new you!

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Aubrey is smiling and showing sass leg!

LOS ANGELES, CA - SEPTEMBER 20: Actress Gina Rodriguez attends the 67th Annual Primetime Emmy Awards at Microsoft Theater on September 20, 2015 in Los Angeles, California. (Photo by Steve Granitz/WireImage)

Gina always nails it, looking like a pretty princess

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Quite possibly the only time Maggie has ever graced my best dressed. My friend thought her tan was too much but I can dig all up on this dress. She has a body! And doesn’t look like a frumpy aunt. STEPS IN THE RIGHT DIRECTION, MAGZ.

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How anyone can wear a dress this tight and not have the mint they ate before hitting the carpet visible is beyond me, but Padma looks like a smokeshow.

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Regina wearing a dress that reminds me of A Cinderella Story, coincidence?

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Modern Family kiddies dress better than half the adults in the room. Smooth.

IMAGE DISTRIBUTED FOR THE TELEVISION ACADEMY - Robin Wright arrives at the 67th Primetime Emmy Awards on Sunday, Sept. 20, 2015, at the Microsoft Theater in Los Angeles. (Photo by Dan Steinberg/Invision for the Television Academy/AP Images)

This dress accentuates her bod and not in a “gawd mom stop trying so hard” way

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Gr8 fall color and perfect fit.

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This is a little on the scandalous side, but it wouldn’t be Taraji if it wasn’t. (Again with the 2chainz though)

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The best pink look of the night! Uzo looks fab.

Julie Bowen kept it simple and crushed it.

Sassy suits and setting an example for red carpet bros.

Wears the same dress every red carpet and yet, if it ain’t broke don’t fix it.

This is a lot, but at the same time fits well and she’s workin it.

Matching lips and dress combo deal

Emma went ole Hollywood glam on this one and I’m all aboard.

LADY GAGA LOOKS LIKE A HUMAN. I REPEAT, NORMAL GAGA.

Billy looking sharp with a little front highlight.

Tina usually keeps it black and white and it’s timeless

I like Naomi’s dress by itself but I’m really digging these two looks togets.

January came in red hot with a onesie giving me some Little Mermaid vibes, in a good way.

  I would like this dress, pls. Black floral deetz and a cutout for party in the midriff–can’t go wrong. Fave dress of the night!

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