Weekly JUice

Week of 11/16/15

1. David Beckham is the Sexiest Man Alive…and I approve wholeheartedly.

Last year I was fresh on the blog scene and I wrote a scathing disapproval of People’s choice. I stand by it 100% to this day but I have also never hidden my love for Becks and therefore I support him taking the W this year. The Beckham family is legit one of the most attractive families on this earth. The kids won the genetic lottery and David defines DiLF. I’m actually shocked that he hasn’t won the title yet…I can only hope that the people over the past 20 years who never chose him have subsequently been fired for their poor decision making. Anyway, if you want to watch the original unveiling via Jimmy Kimmel and laugh at how long it took his live audience to guess the man, please see below.

2. Charlie Sheen is no longer winning.

charliesheen

So…yiiiiiikes. Charlie Sheen announced this week on the Today Show that he’s HIV positive. I mean, something tells me that when you publicly go off the rails, bang a bunch of hookers and do a bunch of drugs, you MIGHT catch a waft of the ole HIV. I bet he probably regrets being a real asshole to the world and yapping about how he had tiger blood running through his veins. Hindsight is 20/20. You know what’s bananas? I’ve been doing transcription of interviews about HIV and Hep C and I learned something new. Surprising, right? You probably thought I knew everything. But anyway, you can contract Hep C from sharing a toothbrush. A TOOTHBRUSH.

All this HIV talk has also sent me down memory lane to high school when Dan Davis, HIV positive motivational speaker came to my high school and scared the SHIT out of a bunch of kids whose idea of going crazy was stealing some of mom’s Mike’s Hard Lemonade and swigging them in the basement–not doing intravenous drugs. Obviously times have changed now, but in like 2004, a guy with a ponytail telling you that he could wipe a drop of blood on the seat in front of you and twenty years later someone could touch it and get infected was absolutely terrifying. He scared well. WHAT A DAD. (That very long sidebar was for the benefit of my fellow FM’ers..I also found a very ratchet video, should you want to hear his famous line IRL, FF to 31:36 here )

3. No Soup for you.

joel

After 22 seasons, (SHIT!) Joel McHale’s version of The Soup has been cancelled and the last episode will air December 18th. I’ve never actually popped a bag of popcorn and sat down to watch The Soup every Friday (?) night–I’m guessing no one else did either and that’s why it’s getting cancelled, but any time I happened to catch it on TV it was hilarious. There’s something about a network full of Kardashians allowing a man to eviscerate them for how stupid they are that brings a smile to my face. Joel’s mockery of foreign soap operas, The Bachelor, trashy MTV shows and his own network will absolutely be missed. Now that there’s no one to keep E! in check, I’m assuming the Kardashians will buy it.

4. Merry Christmas from SNL.

amytina

Santa will be coming early this year in the form of SNL hosts. Ryan Gosling will be hosting on December 5th, allowing us to drool a little extra over him since he’s casually been in hiding since the birth of his child. And the holiday episode right before Christmas on Dec 19th will be hosted by Tina Fey and Amy Poehler. Hallelujah, Christ is born. Obviously this will feature the comeback of many old school SNL peeps because ratings, and I wouldn’t be surprised if JT snuck in there. Jus sayin. Set your DVRs.

5. First look at Ben the Bachelor.

The Bachelor released their trailer for the upcoming season with Ben Higgins, one of the most boring contestants I ever had to watch. He better spice it up for his own season. Although judging from this trailer, it looks like the producers took that job into their hands by delivering him twins. Ew times a thousand, ABC. Be grosser. The 1, 2 debut of identical twins from the limo was so tacky that I half expected Ben to say hubba, hubba. “Group hug?” wasn’t much better. As always I will be recapping the mayhem and possible fantasy suite twin threesome so stay tuned for THAT.

BONUS: They finally turned my life into a movie.

DOUBLE BONUS: Joseph Gordon-Levitt DID the damn thing as Janet Jackson. That choreography. Whoa.

Television

Emmy’s 2015 Recap

If I didn’t have boozy root beer to get me through last night’s awards, I would have absolutely snoozed right through them. There were not enough SNL cast members bits and Andy Samberg told a bunch of dad jokes. If you didn’t catch my Red Carpet blog, I’ll just play my tiny violin one more time when I announce that simply by staying hydrated, I quite possibly ended the life of my fairly new Macbook. Come hell or high water though, I couldn’t let my thousands of screaming fans down and so I busted out the ole quill and ink during the show last night and took notes on some parchment paper… then my friend Lindsey lent me her laptop for the eve so I could deliver the goods. Someday she’ll receive royalties for this…today’s not that day. Anyway, I just wanted to make sure everyone properly ‘preciated the dedication I have to being the saltiest of Ju’s.

Lows:

-We have an immediate low when Andy Samberg kicks off the show with “Justin Timberlake is not going to be here, let’s get that out of the way.” WHAT AN OUTRAGEOUS LETDOWN. I hated Andy immediately. (FTR there WAS no JT…or JFALL for that matter.)

-Andy did two musical bits that made me want to slice my ears right off, the opener where he was a smelly underground creature who binge-watched every show and the unfortunately bloody “Emmy’s Can Kill” number later in the show.

-A pretend beef between Andy and Amy where they just pan to Amy giving a dirty look. This would have been 10,000 times funnier if he was talking and Amy stormed the stage and said ” ANDY, WHAT’S GOOD?”

-John Stamos takes the stage with Gina Rodriguez where they make everyone uncomfy by hitting on each other, I don’t even recall them presenting an award. Although I would give my left leg to have Uncle Jesse get all up on me and whisper sweet nothings in my ear.

-Empire stars Taraji P. Henson and Terrence Howard present and ooze the awksies. They try to banter but it’s weird and ends in a cheek smooch not a minute too soon.

-Olive Kitteridge wins 1 trillion awards, which is great for something no one had ever heard of, also sets up Andy for some new dadtastic material:

Olive Kitteridge? Haven't even seen some of Kitteridge. #Emmys

— Dana Weiss (@Possessionista) September 21, 2015

-Tracy Morgan makes his comeback to a standing O, gets serious for a minute then quickly says he’s gon get a lot of women pregnant at the after parties. Eeekkk.

-Apple Music debuts a new commercial with Taraji, Kerry Washington and Mary J. Blige where they essentially embody every girls night pregame ever and listen to 90’s hip hop and dance. Stop trying so hard, Apple.

-There’s a quick break for a guy to get onstage and talk about college students and states “Today’s college students are tomorrow’s Emmy winning artists.” This should probably be the tagline of Marist College’s Radio/TV/Film major. Slap that in the brochure. #NotBitterAtAll #PerpetuallyFunemployed

Highs:

-Hollywood’s leading men show us that the Emmy’s aren’t worth picking up the razor for.

-Apparently it was like 1 billion degrees in LA last night and therefore everyone had the shiniest of foreheads. STARS SWEAT JUST LIKE US!

-Andy MOSTLY sucked, but here were his two best one liners, in my honest opinion: “Racism is over. Don’t fact check that,” from his monologue when he talked about how this is the most diverse group of nominees ever. And while introducing Adrian Brody to the stage, “The only person I can stand next to and say I’ve got a cute little button nose.” This was awesome because Brody had to take the stage after hearing that.

-“We Are Amy.” Two funny Amy’s present the first award, get a makeup and hair touchup before taking the stage and then talk about how they’re going to be judged for what they wore (sarrryyy) and how Amy’s going to black out later. Out of all the presenters, these two were best at actually being funny.

-Ricky Gervais uses his time presenting to pretend he won an Emmy since he was snubbed before…this is only funny because everyone hated Ricky and shit all over him when he hosted and he knows it so he milks his stage time just to irritate people.

-James Corden mocks the vote counters of Ernst & Young, then selfies with them.

-Jimmy Kimmel announces that he could easily give the Emmy to whoever he wants, like Joey Tribbiani for example, then eats the card with the winner on it. The only thing that makes this entertaining is that Matt LeBlanc didn’t win and showed that he didn’t love the Friends dig.

-Best moment of the night is obviously awarded to Amy Poehler…in an excrutiatingly boring show, she managed to make me giggle uncontrollably just by throwing on a hoodie and some shades in her DGAF act while being nominated for Parks & Rec. The camera panned to her multiple times for reaction shots and it was gold every single time.

-Regina King wins (I’m guessing it’s a long time coming since she was in A Cinderella Story many moons ago) and her gal pal Taraji presents it then screeches for her. What a ride or die friend.

-Andy Samberg gives out login info for HBO Go, which is nice for people who don’t have HBO and really want to see what this Olive Kitteridge bologna is all about, but what I could really use is a Hulu login for The Mindy Project this season. PS if you missed it: username-khaleesifan3@emmyhost.com, password-password1

-Amy Schumer wins for Inside Amy and is so excited and flustered that she thanks her head writer first who “had a baby like 10 seconds ago” and whoever created her smokey eye. Keep doing you, girl.

-Jon Hamm beached whales it onto the stage for his W, except he looks like a stealth agent instead of a floundering sea urchin like I absolutely would have. He gets real serious after that…BOOOOOO.

-Viola Davis makes history with her win and Taraji hugs the shit out of her proving to be the best hype girl, even when she loses. I would like her to come over and cheer for me as I accomplish day to day tasks.

Full List of Winners:

Supporting Actress, Comedy: Allison Janney, Mom

Comedy Series, Writing: Veep

Supporting Actor, Comedy: Tony Hale, Veep

Guest Actor in Comedy Series: Bradley Whitford, Transparent

Guest Actress in Comedy Series: Joan Cusack, Shameless

Director, Comedy Series: Jill Soloway, Transparent

Lead Actor, Comedy Series: Jeffrey Tambor, Transparent

Lead Actress, Comedy Series: Julia Louis-Dreyfus, Veep

Reality Competition: The Voice

Writing, Limited Series Drama: Jane Anderson, Out of Carriage

Supporting Actress, Limited Series, Drama: Regina King, American Crime

Director of Limited Series Drama: Olive Kitteridge

Supporting Actor, Limited Series Drama: Bill Murray, Olive Kitteridge

Lead Actress, Limited Series Drama: Frances McDormand, Olive Kitteridge

Lead Actor, Limited Series Drama: Richard Jenkins, Olive Kitteridge

Outstanding Limited Series: Olive Kitteridge

Writing, Variety Series: Daily Show with Jon Stewart

Variety Sketch: Inside Amy Schumer

Directing, Variety Series: Daily Show with Jon Stewart

Variety Talk Series: Daily Show with Jon Stewart

Guest Actor, Drama Series: Reg E. Cathey, House of Cards

Guest Actress, Drama Series: Margo Martindale, The Americans

Drama Series, Writing: Game of Thrones

Supporting Actress, Drama: Uzo Aduba, Orange is the New Black

Directing, Drama Series: David Nutter, Game of Thrones

Supporting Actor, Drama: Peter Dinklage, Game of Thrones

Lead Actor, Drama: Jon Hamm, Mad Men

Lead Actress, Drama: Viola Davis, How to Get Away with Murder

Outstanding Comedy Series: Veep

Outstanding Drama Series: Game of Thrones

Television

Reasons You Should Be Watching Difficult People

“Because our lives are garbage and it’s the world’s fault.”

I binged the first five episodes this past weekend and then felt so strongly about this show that I immediately drafted a blog (a little on the tipsy side) to tell you why it’s important to watch Hulu’s new original series Difficult People. I feel like it’s been a beat since I’ve gushed about a TV show and shoved a recommendation down your throat. So please feel free to view the trailer below to get ready for what might be a trainwreck of words beneath it.

Billy Eichner. Billy rose to fame just by shouting at people on a sidewalk and recording it. Please watch Billy on the Street clips or his bit from the Emmy’s below to know how great he is at being a jerk to strangers.
Julie Klausner. Julie used to write Housewives recaps on Vulture and basically inspired me to completely copy her on my own blog by doing Beverly Hills Housewives recaps because she was so funny. Please see below examples of her kind words about Kyle Richards & husband Mauricio:

“Kyle also struck a “silly” pose next to some of the more ribald mannequins because Kyle is a loathsome former child actor who will bark on her hind legs for the attention of a camera lens or a high-status pair of eyeballs. She is a shallow and childish monster, and I hope Brandi stops making nice to this ersatz wretch and her garbage husband tout de suite.”

“Shut up, Maurice, you Ooga Booga dumb-dumb mouth-breather. Take your shirt off and keep your lips zipped. My two cents.”

Amy Poehler produces it. Do you need to be further convinced that everything Amy does is entertaining?
Difficult People pokes fun at millennials in an exaggerated but well-written way. It’s kind of like Girls if the characters in Girls realized how stupid they were being. Julie & Billy are comedians trying to make it big in NYC and their bond is that they’re both pop culture obsessed judgmental people. Their snarky commentary on everyone around them is meant to make them look like assholes but they’re not unlikable characters because they’re self-aware assholes. They’re in on the joke that is our society right now, which leads me to my next point about the controversy of this show.
The Internet haters of Difficult People are outraged about the exact same stuff this show is making fun of and they don’t even know it. In the pilot episode, there’s a scene where Julie tweets that she can’t wait for Blue Ivy to be old enough for R. Kelly to piss on her. The joke is obviously over the top and making fun of how we idolize celebrity children before they’ve even done anything while at the same time reminding everyone how disgusting R Kelly is. In the episode Julie faces backlash on twitter and decides to delete it. In real life there was the same exact reaction TO A WRITTEN JOKE IN THE SHOW MAKING FUN OF INTERNET OUTRAGE. The show is making fun of how ridiculous people’s sensitive reactions are to everything and then they go ahead and prove it right. Watch Blue Ivy Clip Here Let’s all just hold hands, sing kumbaya and laugh at this show because it’s hilarious. Also shout out to the commenter who left this review on IMDB: “Obnoxious show about chatty egocentric gossip queens.” Nailed it…

BONUS: As most former SNL cast mates’ creations go, there are a fabulous amount of guest appearances including Fred Armisen, Kate McKinnon, Rachel Dratch, Martin Short, etc.

difficult-people

Best episode (so far): “The Children’s Menu”-Episode 5 where Julie and Billy open a restaurant for adults but with only kids menu food and realize they hate children. I’d like to put it on record that if a restaurant for adults called “The Children’s Menu” actually existed I would eat there at least once a week. CHICKEN NUGGETS 4 LYFE. Anyway, Billy and Julie publicly battle a 19-year-old entitled YouTube star and it’s can’t-miss TV.

JUice

Weekly JUice

Week of 7/13/15

1. Louis Tomlinson of One Direction put his 1D into a girl sans condom, thus leading to baby.

This year has been a real trying time for One Direction fans with Zayn peacing and now it’s been announced that Louis will become babydaddy to a stylist in LA. I think my favorite part is the fact that someone was legitimately quoted as saying “It was a surprise at first but he and Briana are very, very close friends and this has brought them even closer.”(via People) Oh, really? They also wanted to reassure everyone that Briana is not a crazy fan girl for One Direction by pointing out that she just went to her first 1D concert recently. So I’m assuming Louis threw her some free tix and a backstage pass once he found out she was growing his baby inside of her. What a guy. Quick side rant: If you’re that famous and presumably bedding that many chicks, MAYBE MIX IN A CONDOM EVERY ONCE IN A WHILE.

2. Sisters looks bomb.com. The first peek at the latest Amy Poehler and Tina Fey movie came out this week and I think I speak for everyone who likes to laugh that this will be appointment movie date. PLUS Ike Barinholtz is in it and Maya Rudolph so it’s pretty much guaranteed to be goof city.

3. Jennie Garth had a Pinterest wedding. For all you fairy hipsters out there, Jennie Garth threw a backyard wedding complete with lanterns and antique shit hanging all around and a very non-traditional dress, that I actually kinda dig. You go girl, find your Dylan.

4. Emmy Noms are in. Shout out to Taraji P. Henson for snagging a Lead Actress in a Drama nom for Cookie in Empire because she is FIERCE and deserves to take home the W. Also Amy Schumer is having A year-her variety show on Comedy Central was nominated. For full list, click here.

5. ESPY’s Highlights. The ESPY’s were on Wednesday night and Joel McHale had a pretty great monologue that started off with a bang as Victor Espinoza hopped up onto his back and rode him onto the stage.

Other highlights included this:

Yikes Hannah, no shout out, almost seemed like he thought about doing it then was like WHOA just kidding and caught himself mid-sentence so tried to cover it up by thanking his friends again. Here’s to you Hannah, you’re such a great FRIEND. Also a little awk that the guy who legitimately refused to wear a Yankees hat in Gone Girl would present this award to the greatest Yankee of all time but I also won’t dispute any extra camera time with Ben.

and this:

Dayyyyyuuumnnnnn. But like…where’s Riggs?

BONUS: It’s Luke Bryan’s BDAY. He’s super old today, but that’s not what matters, what matters is that he keeps doing this:

JUice

Weekly JUice

Week of 6/22/15

1. SELENA GOMEZ, YOU LITTLE MINX, YOU. New song from SelGo that has been teased for weeks, even bestie Tay chimed in that it was her favorite thing Selena’s ever done (bold) and the music video dropped this morning wherein she writhes around on a floor, on the couch, in a chair and in the shower. Get it, girl. Show Biebs what he gave up. This is one of those rare things that I included for my male readers, which I believe I have 0.0 of. But whatevs, enjoy your boner jamz cause Selena just wants to look good for YOU.

2. Magic Mike, As Told By Children. In this skit, JFall and Channing act out Magic Mike as written by elementary school kids and it’s supes cute. Mostly because we all know the real story of Magic Mike and it’s not about aliens or fixing bike tires, it’s about Mike’s magic penis grinding all up on some ladiezzz to the sweet, sweet melody of Ginuwine.

3. Seth and Amy Boom, Roast a Twitter troll. A Sports Illustrated guy tweeted something this week about how women’s sports are boring so Seth & Amy brought back the SNL Weekend Update “Really?!” bit to dump all over him and his sexist tweets. As a former soccer player (1 season, kindergarten) I can’t speak for if it’s entertaining to watch but I will say that it is EXHAUSTING to run up and down that field. I quit before the pros started looking at me because it was too much running, not enough orange slices during timeouts. Props to our ladies for having the stamina to run around in the World Cup.

4. Bristol Palin is preggerz. I don’t pretend to know anything about politics but I’m pretty sure the Palin’s paraded around like hardcore Christians and lil miss Bristol is on baby #2, unwed. Whoopsies! The best part about this isn’t the fact that she’s pregnant but the way that she announced it with, and I quote “I know this has been, and will be, a huge disappointment to my family, to my close friends, and to many of you.” This is basically the equivalent of being like shiiiiiitttt, I got knocked up again, saarrryyyy guys. No news yet on if baby daddy is the guy she just called off her wedding with…but you can be sure I will report it when I find out. It’s ok guys, I know how to tackle the hard-hitting news.

5. T.Swizzle, CEO of the Music Industry.

As I’m sure you’ve heard by now, with just the tapping of a few keys, Tay brought Apple to it’s knees. (Unintentional but PRETTY POETIC rhyme right there.) Ok, so there was more to it than that but what’s really important here is that Apple was like hey we’re going to debut our new streaming service that completely copies Pandora and Spotify but it’s BETTER and we’re going to give everyone a 3 month trial fo freeeee, and Taylor was all Dear Apple, Ain’t nobody gettin my shit fo free and Apple was all, Dear Taylor, Ok. We’re sorry. Artists who don’t make billions from touring gave Ms. Swift a golf clap for repping the entire music industry and she just casually went back to playing with her cats.

Full Letter Here

Apple’s Response:

We hear you @taylorswift13 and indie artists. Love, Apple

— Eddy Cue (@cue) June 22, 2015

#AppleMusic will pay artist for streaming, even during customer’s free trial period

— Eddy Cue (@cue) June 22, 2015

Calvin Harris supporting his boo:

I just played a gig inside a giant owl and my girl just changed the entire music industry what a day

— Calvin Harris (@CalvinHarris) June 22, 2015

I hope that you also write a letter this weekend and change the world. Or just get drunk and play outside in the sun. Same thing.

The Salty Ju

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Tag Archives: Amy Poehler

Weekly JUice

Emmy’s 2015 Recap

Reasons You Should Be Watching Difficult People

Weekly JUice

Weekly JUice