Television

Pilot Szn 2018

I feel like I haven’t done this in a while and I’m trying to jazz up The Salty again, so I’ve taken my precious time and dedicated it to watching all of the new shows (so far) this Fall season. There’s a chill in the air, I’m finally not working on Saturdays and Sundays and I’ve glued my bhole to the couch to watch some new TV all weekend long. It’s all for you. So that you don’t have to be bothered watching a show that is TERRIBLE (all sitcoms) and you can just focus on getting into the good good. Keep reading for my educated takes based on a single thirty or sixty minute episode.

SKIP:

Single Parents, ABC, Wednesdays 9:30p EST

single-parents

I should’ve known this was gonna be a no right from the start because of how many kids are in this cast photo but wishful thinking I was like well it’s the creator of New Girl and maybe they’ll just focus on the adult story lines. NOPE. The premise here is that Will (Taran Killam) is the nerd dad who tries too hard and embarrasses his daughter and pretty much everyone around him. The other parents try to help him get laid and make him cooler but there is a LOT of Moana singing and overacting and because it’s 2018 the black kid is gay and loves dancing and fashion. PROGRESSIVE. In summary, this show sucks and not even Brad Garrett could save it, which I had high hopes for.

I Feel Bad, NBC, Thursdays 9:30p EST

I Feel Bad - Season Pilot

This one’s Amy Poehler produced (there’s always something to draw you in) and it screams FEMINIST TV. Nothing wrong with that. If it was funny I’d be down. The idea is that moms/women in general have guilt and feel bad about every single thing in life and how to ignore that and be a baller, basically. Embrace the chaos. Emet is raising three kids, working in video games as like the only woman and trying not to turn into her mom. Story lines were decent, but the jokes just weren’t all there. A main feature of the pilot was her daughter quitting quiz show to join the dance team and today’s youths being a buncha booty-shakin hoes has never been more prevalent. WHATEVER HAPPENED TO TUTUS?! WHEN I WAS THAT AGE I DANCED TO THE SONG LOLLIPOP STRAIGHT OUTTA 1948 WITH A BONNET PINNED TO MY HEAD.

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And this is the future here, folks:

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Be afraid. Be very afraid. Also, props to the only line in the pilot that made me laugh out loud, “Our daughter’s milkshakes brought all the boys to the yard. Literally.”

The Cool Kids, Fox, Fridays 830p EST

The-Cool-Kids-Fox

Friday show, kiss of death, AMIRITE?! This was supposed to be hyped because it’s got a huge comedian/variety show cast from like 1965 or something. Basically it takes place in an old folks home and the boys don’t want to let a girl into the club after their friend kicks the bucket. Not JUST a girl. A ginger. Just kidding her hair color has nothing to do with it but it might’ve spiced things up a bit. The best character on this show BY FAR was Leslie Jordan because he’s adorable and I want to put him in my pocket. Old people might enjoy this one but I’m out. My boyf found it hysterical, so apparently I’m dating a senior citizen.

The Neighborhood, Fox, Mondays 8p EST

Neighborhood

Everything you need to know about this show, you can summarize from this over the top cast photo. From “HOOD” being a different color and on a separate line to ONLY showing the black family and not the white family it’s ALSO about, this show is racist AF. And not in a “white people can’t say it’s racist way.” The entire 28 minutes spanned a group of horrendous over-actors just calling each other racist every few minutes. QUALITY TV, FOLKS. What you can’t see in this photo is that 2 Broke Girls Beth Behrs and New Girl Max Greenfield are the other leads. They’re a white toast couple who move with their son Grover to the neighborHOOD, where it’s AOK to wear an orange velour jumpsuit, apparently. And this cat is mad at THEM. Essentially it’s a show trying to be funny about the fact that the climate right now is not NOT racist. Keep trying.

WATCH:

Happy Together, Fox, Mondays 830p EST

Happy-Together

According to my actual notes, on paper, because I’m a scholar…this show was the “best of this shit crop of sitcoms.” And you can take that to the bank. A show that was actually likable and I laughed out loud for more than five jokes!!! WE HAVE A WINNER! I mean, can you really go wrong with the Wayans, though? D.Way Jr. killed it in both New Girl and Happy Endings and most importantly, he doesn’t feel the need to shout his lines like 90% of these sitcom stars are doing. If it’s louder, it doesn’t mean it’s funnier. Just A TIP. Also fun fact about me, because why not, every time the Wayans are brought up in any capacity, I feel compelled to google their family tree because there’s roughly 600 of them and it’s very fascinating to me. Like HOW is Damon a JUNIOR to the guy from My Wife and Kids? It’s incredible. Anyway, you’re welcome for sending you down that rabbit hole. The boyf and I wondered aloud why they haven’t just created a show based on their family yet. Don’t steal that idea. It’s ours. Anyway, Jake and Claire are a boring ass married couple who spend Saturday nights recording song voicemails until a celebrity Jake reps decides to come live with them to get out of the spotlight. Trying to make this guy like Harry Styles was borderline offensive. Like honestly, not even close. Either way, it’s funny and cute and I’d watch again.

A Million Little Things, ABC, Wednesdays 9p EST

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Lotta hype with this one about being as twisty as This is Us and also just as emosh. What I didn’t prepare for is the fact that I cannot for the life of me remember the correct name of this. First I was calling it A Million Little Pieces because that’s a book. Then I moved onto A Million Little Reasons because they said that at one point in the pilot. Gawd, I can’t keep it straight. I’ll keep working on it though because I thought it was good and I’m sucked in. I was so absorbed that the only note I wrote was, “Sick opening sequence with a baller cover of All These Things That I’ve Done by the Killers.” So there ya go.

RON LIVINGSTON, DAVID GIUNTOLI, JAMES RODAY, ROMANY MALCO JR

The show is about a gang of bros who met in an elevator, bonded real hard and then became besties/Bruins season ticket holders. Spoiler alert: one of them commits suicide and the first epi was borderline depressing but I have hope for this show to follow the friends in the aftermath as they value life a little more and also of COURSE there’s juicy secrets, which I’m all IN ON.

Manifest, NBC, Mondays 10p EST

Manifest-NBC-TV-Series-2018

Didn’t really expect to like this show once I heard the premise but it was RIVETING, tbh. A family coming back from vacation in 2013 split between two flights and that second flight had turbulence through the MF’ing roof (like honestly how was everyone so calm afterward) and then when it landed everyone was like your flight disappeared 5 years ago how ya’ll still alive? The crew on the flight was like uhhh we had turbulence and dass itt. They haven’t aged a day and everyone else on land is 5 years older. FREAKY. Then the people from the flight start hearing shit and now it’s ON. There’s so many mysteries and so little time. I’m going to be real with you and tell you that I’ve always been creeped out by whispering voices in TV or Movies, like even “if you build it, he will come” creeped me out and that was supposed to be a feel good family flick, but I’m going to stick with this one for a little longer because I think there’s more to the story than mind whispers that one hundo percent will give me night terrors. Plus, I don’t know who this actress is but she’s a babe soda and I’m on her team.

Manifest - Season 1

Dirty John, Bravo, TBD Date & Time

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Since this hasn’t premiered yet, technically I can’t recommend it. But let’s be real here, it’s Connie Britton. Also, I did listen to the podcast it’s based on and I CAN recommend that. It’s basically a crime series about a creepy ass sociopath guy who dates a bunch of women and turns out to be a real psycho. Can’t wait for this to premiere so I can be equal parts drooling over Connie and her hair coming back to my TV screen and terrified to shower alone. Don’t @ me if this sucks and I said you should watch it.

 

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Television

Fall 2016 TV Premiere Guide

I typically like to try a few new shows each year to see if any are worthy of adding to my very diverse TV watching portfolio. This year seems a little light on the pilot content, probably because network TV is on the decline while it competes with online streaming services, but nevertheless, I still dedicated a whole Sunday to watching all of the new series that premiered last week. Keep reading for my opinions of what shows deserve a chance and what ones to skip.

WATCH:

Designated Survivor

designatedsurvivorabc

Wednesdays, 10P, ABC

As the new political series, this one hits A LITTLE close to home, so I can understand some people not wanting to watch. It follows Kiefer Sutherland, a secretary of urban development or something bottom rung in D.C. getting fired and then a mere 7 hours later being sworn in as President after a terrorist attack wipes out like everyone important in government. Due to the fact that our current election very closely resembles an SNL skit and ISIS is bombing cities left and right, this “fictional” show following a very likely story line is not for everyone. Judging by the pilot alone, which was quick-paced and interesting, I approve and will probably give it a chance.

This Is Us

thisisusnbc

Tuesdays, 10P, NBC

I was sold on this just by seeing Milo & Mandy at the helm, and then was even more hooked once I kept seeing everyone gushing over the SURPRISE TWIST. I will not spoil aforementioned twist, but it is quite unexpected and due to this change of page for a TV show format, I’m intrigued and put aside my conflict with shows that make me ugly cry to commit to this series. Plus, they really know how to make a lady blush by giving us a taste of Milo’s bare ass within the first ten minutes of the pilot. Bonus points for man meat mixed in with the inevitable case of the sads.

milogifthisisus

Notorious

notoriousabc

Thursdays, 9P, ABC

The first episode starts with a bang. Literally. Two people having sex in an office. That’s immediately followed by another character in the show about to have sex in HER office with a shirtless guy grilling and making dirty meat innuendos. This show is primetime T-rash and I support it wholeheartedly. I guess the premise of the show is the drama of a gossip news show and the secrets and backstabbing that occurs in order to produce it. All I know is that there are babes and scandal and murder and I’ve got all hands on deck.

SKIP:

Kevin Can Wait

kevincanwaitcbs

Mondays, 830P, CBS

If it wasn’t obvious, this show is King of Queens with kids. Kevin James plays a cop who has just retired and makes a lot of food/fat jokes. The end.

Bull

bullcbs

Tuesdays, 9P, CBS

A crime drama that I was so bored with in the first 10 minutes that I completely tuned out. Dr. Bull is Michael Weatherly so he’s obv super attractive and charismatic but I don’t really feel that he brings much else to the table. Other than of course PULLING OFF those dark frames. He’s not even a lawyer; he does something with the jury and is supposed to be super analytical. At one point he was imagining people speaking in court when they really weren’t and it was supes confusing. In breaking news I may be too dumb for this show.

Speechless

speechlessabc

Wednesdays, 830P, ABC

A bajillion sitcoms premiere every year and most of them end up cancelled before the first season ends, so I get that they’re trying to keep the format fresh but a plot about a family with a handicapped kid doesn’t really translate to LOL’s for me. Plus, the whole thing how I hate kids kind of cancels out a show all about middle school kids.

The Good Place

thegoodplacenbc

Thursdays, 830P, NBC

Kristen Bell is Eleanor who after death ended up in heaven but they made a mistake because she was actually a real asshole her whole life. Every time she does something turd-ish, the whole place gets punished so she has to try to hide that she should actually be burning in the pits of hell. Previews for this looked like dust but Mike Schur created it and he also created Parks & Rec so I had to give it a shot. So despite the fact that, “Do you have a second to eat my farts?” made me laugh out loud like a child, the show still stinks, much like a bunch of farts. Also if you’re not allowed to swear in heaven then you can COUNT ME OUT, BITCHES.

Pitch

pitchfox

Thursdays, 9P, FOX

In lazy fashion, I didn’t even watch this one for myself but my family saw the premiere (from a baseball dugout, VIP style) and they told me not to bother. This probably isn’t the best stance to take on a show that’s highlighting the first female major league baseball player but whatevz. According to the G-Man, TV critic extraordinaire “It was completely unrealistic and very predictable.” Those are some fightin’ words for Pitch, and teaches us all a lesson that not every show that Mark Paul Gosselaar is in can be a hit. In unrelated news…MPG and Michael Weatherly look SUH much alike.

Bull

The Paley Center For Media's PaleyFest 2015 Fall TV Preview - NBC

 

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Television

Grease LIVE! Review

greasesandydanny

I went into this one with real low expectations and assumed I would be turning it off halfway through. Mostly because even though John Travolta is a big creep-dogg now, his role as Danny Zuko was easily my first crush (I’ve got a thing for bad boys) and I had a hard time imagining anyone else taking his place as the Zukster. I would call last night the first successful TV musical and I think everyone in America agrees. Mostly because of Aaron Tveit’s hips. Really though, in the sand, under the docks, I’d smooch this boy anywhere after last night’s performance. Here are the highs and lows of a musical based on the premise of a girl changing everything about herself for sex.

 

YES:

-Seriously Sandy, stop being such a square. Kisses from a guy with an open button-down make everything better.

 

-My favorite college bar used to play Summer Nights every single Saturday, which is just good business. Get a bunch of college kids boozed up and then have them scream in unison “NIIIII-HEIIIGHHHTTTSSSSS”. Needless to say, after damaging my eardrums from that on repeat every weekend, I was a little nervous for the live rendition. They nailed it though. Speaking of nailed, I feel like Danny’s friends should try it sometime and maybe they wouldn’t be so hard up for his beach hookup deets.

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-LET THE HIP THRUSTS BEGIN. He could have sung Lamb Chop Sing-along here and I wouldn’t have noticed at all thanks to those hot moves. Seriously, were they even singing about a car?

thrust

 

-All hail the 50’s for their athletic nut huggers

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-I don’t remember Frenchie being such a feminist in the original Grease, then again I also don’t remember a country that wasn’t aggressively racist and segregated in the 1950’s but that’s neither here nor there. In modern-reboot world, black students don’t have to drink from a separate drinking fountain, they can hand jive with the rest of ‘em, and Frenchie is a capital F feminist. She yaps to Sandy about how she doesn’t need Danny, she can be an independent woman like they teach in home ec. And Sandy’s like yeah whatever I’m gonna go buy some leather pants and get my man.

frenchfem

-Vanessa Hudgens as Rizzo slayed. Hudgens lost her dad this past weekend and went on to crush it as everyone’s fave sloot. She was sassy and looked like a real dime. Even her solo at the end was good and if we’re being honest that was always a song I skipped so I could get right to “tell me about it, stud” goods.

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-Was it lame that they had to edit song lyrics and keep the kisses PG for primetime? Kind of. Was it AWESOME that they didn’t tone down the dancing? Yes. I’d like to personally thank Fox for allowing this to air:

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It looked like a Miami club all up in that gym. Except of course, for Sandy…

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Cool moves, grl.

-I wore leather pants out Saturday night and totally had a hot guy crawl around the bar after me too, and pass out from how hot I looked… (Not..jealous..at..all)

 

 

NO:

-Although it pains me to say this, because Boyz II Men are the originators of babymakin music, but after their performance as the teen angels, I think they’re past their prime. In other words, they’ve come to the end of the road. ZING.

boyziimen

-Related but also unrelated to Boyz II Men, Carly Rae Jepsen kinda sucked as Frenchie. The original Frenchie was so much better. She even outshined Carly as the waitress at the diner. Yikes.

frenchieogfrenchie

-This new song was alright, but nothing’s weirder than the guitar guy roaming around the gym trying to distract us from our very own “who wears short shorts” commercial in the flesh, via Danny Zuko.

magicchanges

-The infamous drag race where there’s fire and cars getting chopped up and a terrifying villain named Leo with pockmarks all over his face was DUST in last night’s version. I understand they have limited resources on a sound stage but they didn’t even try that hard to make it look like they weren’t in a stationary car making a bunch of intense faces. I stand by my tweet.

-If they had a carnival set up outside WHY DID THEY NOT HAVE THE ENTIRE FINAL SCENE THERE? Starting in the gym and then driving golf carts around the set to finish the show was super dumb.

-Yeah, yeah, smoking is the worst but Bad Sandy NEEDS a cigg here. How is she supposed to stomp it out with her heel and look like a leather-clad minx while doing it?

 

-Related: you can’t have the final scene without the scandalous Shake Shack shimmy and the flying car. No argument. End of discussion.

shakeshackflyingcar

 

Oh, obviously Julianne Hough was great as Sandy. As if that was ever a question. The girl’s a profesh at everything and cute as a button. From one Bad Sandy to another, I’ll just continue to be bitter about the fact that she got to mack Aaron and stuff…

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Empire, Television

Empire- “Et Tu, Brute?”

 

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(Not Anymore!)

I took last week off from recapping Empire. I had a prior engagement in that I felt it was a rite of passage to do my first ever Thanksgiving Eve in my hometown. And let me tell you…it was WORTH it. I got drunk, served some dirty looks and ended the night with a bowl full of queso. Hot damn. Hope ya’ll can forgive me and we’ll just go right ahead and pick up with this week’s drama, or in the case of all finales, 50 minutes of lackluster TV and then 10 minutes of HOLY SHIT.

We kick off last night’s episode with a little Jaaaayyyysuuunnn Deruuuuuloooo. He announces the first nominees for the American Sound Awards, which sound like they have just about as much credibility as the AMA’s in real life. Can we please get a Jason/Jamal duet? Oh YEAH! (That only works if you read that in Jason’s voice, otherwise it seems like an odd sentence.) Anyway, Jason announces a nomination for his boy Jamal. They boyz now.

Speaking of boys, Jamal takes a quick hiatus from them to have relations with the purple haired goddess that is Sky. Naturally we’re all like huh? But leave it to Lucious to gracefully get right to the point when he asks, “Are you hitting that?” Then assumes that Sky and her majestic locks “fixed” Jamal. That Lucious, what a genius. This is the same man who minutes later said the sentence, “Is you is or is you ain’t my Mimi?” Wut.

Later on they jam it out to Powerful and out of all the celeb guest stars in the world that Empire has snagged, they get Charlamagne Tha God onstage to ask the hard-hitting questions, Is you or is you ain’t black, Sky? JK he didn’t say that but he did take a big dump all over her for suddenly choosing to identify as black for this tune. It would be like Jamal being openly gay then dating a woman…HAHA do you know something Charlamagne? Since the Internet is hilarious, they harass Sky on twitter by adding a Rachel Dolezal afro to her pictures. Brava, computer bullies, brava. No seriously. Making Rachel Dolezal topical again months later in a sly way like that was spot on. Obviously Skyal doesn’t last very long because Jamal is still gay and Sky called their hookup SOOOOO beautiful. Do less, Sky. There’s no way Jamal was THAT good. He thinks girls are icky. Also their names would never work together so it’s for the best that they broke up before getting a couple hashtag.

PS the minute that Sky appeared last week I had some real hardcore Beyond the Lights flashbacks. Troubled, misunderstood pop singer with purple hair…Double PS if you haven’t seen this movie please watch it because it’s amahzing.

After rolling deep with drug dealer/baker Rosie O’Donnell, Cookie feels like it might be time to revisit her roots. JK she lost Cookie’s Cookout (because of that dirty good for nothin longhorns tatted Laz) and needs good PR like nobody’s biz. Cookie sets up a concert at her old prison and then rolls up in a latex dress to show everyone that she is ABOVE those orange jumpsuits. She then promptly gives a pre-show speech where she sobs about losing a music festival and having her heart broken and these bitches are like um, quick reminder that we’re in jail…soooo…I’m surprised Cookie didn’t get a shoe (or a shiv) thrown at her for being such a bougie snob. Hakeem and Laura recover quickly by performing a banger for the jailbirds.

cookie

And now for some of that good, good. The plot twist of the night is that suspicious Mimi and her wife that she keeps yapping about. Obviously we knew Mimi was a sketchathon but I never would’ve guessed that her wife is Hakeem’s cougar from season 1, Camilla. DOES EVERYONE WANT A PIECE OF HAKEEM’S D OR WHAT?! She comes crawling back thirstier than Anika at a Lyon family reunion. Either Hakeem lays mad pipe or he’s a real romantic Romeo type because I’m still having a tough time understanding why all these bitches want him. One little dick graze from Camilla and suddenly Hakeem’s convinced to oust Lucious from head of Empire. His vote is the deciding factor and Lucious is DUNZO. BOOM BOOM BOOM, BITCH.

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Cookie and Lucious’ reactions to having everything ripped from their hands were priceless. Cookie spits right in Camilla’s grill piece, prison style. And Lucious fires up his AK47 to shoot some ceramic décor in his home office. Don’t you mess with Lucious; he’ll take it out on a few selections from the pottery barn! Even Cookie is like getchyo ass together, you’re embarrassing me.

And for the final OMG moment, you know something’s fishy when Rhonda and Andre are living the vanilla life. Their biggest issue this episode was an alarm system in their million dollar mansion on the fritz. They chit chat about decorating the nursery and going to church on Sunday. Ho hum, everything’s going swell UNTIL RHONDA GETS PUSHED DOWN THE MASSIVE FLIGHT OF MARBLE STAIRS AT HER OWN HOME! I almost leapt right off my couch when with just a flicka the wrist Rhonda and baby lay lifeless at the bottom of the stairs. Who did it? Hm, I don’t know maybe that crazy bitch Anika who apparently wasn’t loving the fact that Rhonda’s son was named heir to the Empire throne. But like, what throne? Anywho, hey guys… Don’t forget to tune in next week for Cookie’s Cookout Christmas Special with a side of MJ Blige and Hakeem bullet to the name LYON. See you all in March!

 

Drip Drops:

– Jamal’s Pepsi commercial is lol-worthy. He gets people to dance with him on the subway after sippin on some soda. If anyone so much as looked at me while I was riding the subway in the city I nearly crapped my pants, I certainly wouldn’t be like JAMAL LYON IS THAT YOU? And then break dance.

-Cookie’s old prison squad asks Porsha if she’s the wifey and she was quick to set the record straight:

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-Thirsty licking all up on a middle aged board member in the elevator and her being like eh it was alright but not worth $10,000 was THE stuff. I mean come on, your NAME IS THIRSTY. You better be lapping that shit up like it’s the Sahara desert and her downstairs is the only pool of water in sight.

-The song that never ends–not lambchop singalong–but “Boom Boom Boom Boom” is nominated for song of the year up against Jamal’s “Heavy”. FATHER VS. SON. DIRT VS. BANGER. WHO WILL WIN?!

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JUice, Uncategorized

Weekly JUice

Week of 11/23/15

1. Clear Eyes, Full Hearts, Can’t Sing.

It has been announced that Friday Night Lights will go the musical way much like The OC and Cruel Intentions AND Scott Porter will play Coach Taylor. No. Thank. You. Look, FNL is the stuff. It’s the greatest show ever made and Coach Taylor is the best football coach in the world. WE DON’T NEED TO SING ABOUT IT. I have a low tolerance for breaking into song mid-sentence and I’m not seeing how a show that featured roughly 2 songs the entire series could ever make song and dance believable in the story line. ALSO Kyle Chandler is Coach Taylor and Coach Taylor is Kyle Chandler. No one else should ever utter that famous phrase, regardless of if they’re a Dillon insider or not.

2. Grease Live first peek.

I realize the contradiction of shitting all over a musical above and then hyping this one but Grease is a STAPLE. How else are girls going to learn that wearing leather pants and red lipstick while smoking a ciggy will ALWAYS get you yo man? Anyway, the cast looks gr8. I mean Julianne Hough is pretty much perfect for Sandy. Even Vanessa Hudgens surprised me as Rizzo. There’s a strong possibility that I watch this to see how it plays out chemistry-wise. Here they are hand jivin it up to get you on board.

3. Magic Mike Wedding.

Sofia Vergara and Joe Manganiello got hitched last weekend and in a surprising move, Sofia posted all wedding photos on her personal Instagram. Boss move by her to be like hey it’s my wedding and I’ll do what I damn please with the pics. She obviously looked bangin body-wise but I’m not fully understanding the concept of the wings on each side of her dress. Anyway, I can only assume that there was PLENTY of stripping between her hubs and Channing and I’ll just let that fantasy play out in my mind a little further if you’ll excuse me.

 

4. Little Saylor Girl.

SAYLOR. JAMES. KRISTIN’S NOT EVEN REAL HOLLYWOOD AND SHE JUST DROPPED THAT HOLLYWOOD NAME. Don’t worry Bristol Palin also called dibs on it and needed to make it clear that she picked it first and isn’t a total poser. K, Bristol. Thanks so much.

 

5. Hello…

Because you can’t go five minutes without hearing Adele and also because my family made it a new tradition yesterday to just keep whispering Hello….over and over again. Here’s the British powerhouse with her classroom toys version on Jimmy Fallon.

BONUS: TIS THE SEASON!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

 

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Empire, Television, Uncategorized

Empire- “My Bad Parts”

 

Battle

“I’m sorry this is not the Disney channel, we have no happy ending.”

We’ve only got one more episode of Empire before we have to go without Lucious creepily slurping on a lollipop for 3 whole months. (Seriously what’s with him ruining one of my favorite candies?)

luciouslolly

After their midseason finale they’re going away until March and it looks like the set up for some cray-cray cliffhanger is going really well. I’m lookin at you, Anika.

How old is Anika supposed to be? In her thirties? Either way, her pining after a teenager is getting real weird. Especially while said teenager is now pursuing a virgin. I actually laughed out loud when Laura was like hey let’s make this special because it’s my first time and Hakeem smoothly replies, “As in you follow me around like a little puppy after this?” Instead of coming to her senses she just giggles, accepts some diamonds (specially made) and allows Hakeem to check his phone during foreplay. Hold onto that V-card girls, because one day you could have moments as special as this. But before he can give her that sweet, sweet loving, Hakeem finds out Freda is after his name and calls him out for a rap battle with low blows such as, “I’m the son that your dad always wanted.” Let me surely not be the first to say that NO ONE should be fighting over Lucious as #1 D-A-D.

Hakeem gets all up on Periscope and is like listen bitches, I AIN’T PLAYIN and announces that rap battle shiz is on with Freda-the worst-Gatz. And I PRAY that she’s outed as the shitty rapper that I know she is. Although realistically if anyone ever boo’ed her off the stage she would just shoot them.

OR Freda could stab someone like Anika is considering as she holds a butcher’s knife in one hand and a positive pregnancy test in the other. Dum-Dum Anika boinked the son of her ex-boyfriend, got herself blacklisted from the music biz and is now carrying a child. YIKES, grl. I’m not saying she should be contemplating a wrist slashing, but she has reason to pretty much hate her life right now. Things start looking up for her when she runs into Rhonda and they get some bullshit align-your-chakra smoothies togets. Rhonda reveals that Lucious acts like he has a heart around babies and has been checking in her a lot recently. A light bulb goes off over Anika’s chic pixie cut and she’s like OH, REALLY?! Obviously wouldn’t be the first time ole Lucious has gotten the “I’m pregnant” bomb but probs would be the first time it’s actually his youngest son’s baby. This family is gross. Anyway, I assume that Anika will be doing a little paternity lying but apparently not because she amps up the crazy later on and throws us all for a loop.

Another shocker this episode, was how much I was loving on Hakeem. I mean he’s a real asshole usually, entitled AF and super slutty but his sassy comments lately have been on point. For instance, when he goes head to head with Laz, whose none to pleased about the impromptu rap battle that could bring negative press to the complete farce that is “Cookie’s Cookout.” I curse myself every time I have to type that name. Hakeem swiftly puts Laz in his place…underneath Cookie, obv. JK he shouts at him, “No you a punk ass promoter so go hang up some flyers.” ZING city, bruh. Laz doesn’t love Hakeem’s tone and gets a little slap-happy with him except NOBODY gets to smack Hakeem unless they’re named Cookie so she’s like get your hands off my G-D son. BUT THEY’RE STILL TOGETHER. UGH, Cookie. Girlfriend. Get rid of Laz right quick. You’re better than this.

Don’t worry; she’s still cheating on Laz with her son though, sneaking around his apt to produce a new song to present to Pepsi. Lurking in the shadows when Lucious drops by to show off a new beat that KILLS. At least this one is just instrumental and not a bunch of booms that make my ears fall off. Either way, Jamal can only bounce back and forth between mommy and daddy for so long producing this song so naturally he pulls a Parent Trap and gets both of them to show up at the studio and merge their beats. He’s like hey I know you’re both not going to get re-married on the QEII but maybe you could just make sweet, sweet music together. It ends in them screaming and Lucious referring to Jamal as “his” son as if HE carried that baby for 9 months and then let it stomp out his vagina. Nice try, you piglet. They settle the worst example of parents post-divorce ever by betting on their kids’ success. If Hakeem wins the battle, Cookie can produce Jamal’s album and vice versa.

It’s a good thing the kids are more mature than their parents in this scenario. We have a quick wah-wah moment from Hakeem when he sees Jamal and Cookie face timing and is like WHY DON’T YOU LOVE ME, MOM?! Then threatens to out their sneakiness to Lucious before the parent trapping. Cookie calls her son a snitch bitch, as good moms do. But then the Lyon boys smarten up and get together for some Doritos and hot sauce with a side of wisdom. Hakeem tells Jamal to treat their dumbass parents like business partners and Jamal gives Hakeem some pointers for how to crush Freda in the rap battle. Not that he should need any pointers because when they show the rehearsal Freda’s rap is a literal checklist. Like she bubbles out gibberish then punctuates it with a manly shout of the word CHECK! Sick rap, Freda. I have less street cred than Elmo and I could freestyle better than this bid.

But before we get to that juicy rap battle, Jamal performs this highly-anticipated Cookie-Lucious combo deal and to add a little more pack to his punch he wears a floor length linen cardigan for the show, sassily flipping it up when the beat changes. He also kicks around a lot, which I think is Jamal’s way of integrating choreography. Safe to say he should stick behind a piano from here on out. He snags the Pepsi deal, announces BOTH parents will produce his album while Lucious barks, “WHO’S GREAT?” over and over again. A celebratory moment, indeed. Until those two fiery personalities are stuck in a studio togets, of course. Who will get the rights to wear a fedora? It would be preposterous for them to both rock hats, obviously.

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Almost as preposterous as Lucious standing in the crowd at the rap battle looking like he’s trying way too hard to be a young thug in Freda’s crew. Lucious, please accept the fact that you’re a dad of three grown men and do a billion times less.

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Hakeem starts it off and kills it, obviously. Freda fires back with threats of shooting him because she’s a hoodrat who resorts to violence. She goes for the easy YOUR MOM diss and blows him a kiss at the end of her verse. I will begrudgingly give her props for the knock about Jamal’s tendency to wear nightgowns because that 100% deserves to be made fun of. Jamal and his linen housecoats are really pushing it. But anyway, everyone oohs and ahhs (a little too much if you ask me, not that I’m a regular at rap battles) and Hakeem keeps his shit together. He’s growing up so fast. Instead of getting aggress, he takes Jamal’s advice and wins over the crowd. He amps up a little call and response, moves around, spits some sick violence-free rhymes and finishes with: CALL ME HAKEEM BULLET TO THE NAME LYON. MIC F’ING DROP, yo. Then he beats the shit out of “Lyon” in lights and announces he’s going all Prince. One name ya’ll. Hakeem.

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Too bad the artist formerly known as Hakeem Lyon is about to be a dad. After Anika tricks us all into thinking she’s gonna pin it on Lucious, she seduces Hakeem and he’s like no touching pls, I’m in love now but we can still be homies. Anika doesn’t want to be just homies though, as we find out when Hakeem puts Laura in a car after the battle and is all be safe, boo and we see a sinister Anika driving the car, wearing a blonde wig. So it’s comforting to know that Anika is emotionally stable during this pregnancy. This is about to get Lifetime movie good and I’m going to kick back and lap that shit right up. I can only hope she does a little psycho warfare on virginal Laura. Maybe even bangs Hakeem in front of her? Jus sayin, this could go places.

Almost as exciting as a made for TV movie plot, we have a new character and it gets a real rise out of Cookie. Apparently she has more than one sister and Candace (Vivica A. Fox) strolls into town because their other sister is on a bender and peaced out on her kids. Rather than being pezzed at the boozy sis, Cookie channels her anger toward Candace who is apparently a bougie-ass bitch who married a white guy with lots of pocket change. Even Lucious is like yesssss, Candace is back, and pops a bag of popcorn. I look forward to their class vs. trash dynamic.

 

Drip Drops:

– That music streaming guy that Lucious & Mimi drugged last week asked for a lot more money and everyone told Lucious not to sign the deal so obviously he did. Mimi is certainly a trustworthy chick, gr8 idea, Loosh!

-Via dramatic flashback we learn that Lucious made up the last name Lyon because he once slept under a lion statue. Innovative.

-I’ve heard hair described as greasy, I’ve heard my dad call the roads in winter greasy (unfortunately) but Cookie’s use of the phrase is my new fave. When greeting her sis with “You talking slick outcha mouth, real greasy.” I almost peed a little. This will now be my new reaction to anyone speaking.

-THIS IS HOW YOU WEAR IT, KIM K… WITHOUT A BABY IN YOUR BELLY.laceensemble

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Empire, Television

Empire- “True Love Never”

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“You can’t see that cause you blinded by the ass”- Cookie

WHAT a scandalous start to last night’s episode. Unfortunately we can’t enjoy the steamy soap opera sex scenes set to Selena’s bone worthy jam because we know what the inevitable outcome is for Cookie and Laz. Cookie is still none the wiser to Laz’s gang connects and spends roughly 3 days in his bed doin thangs. At one point Porsha delivers food to their sex jungle while they’re both naked, and all I can think is that this bitch is certainly not being paid enough for the verbal abuse and dirt tasks she’s given. Anyway, it turns out Laz’s “promoter” job is a whole cover so he can get his grubby hands on Cookie’s Dynasty money.

While Laz works on conquering her vagina and her business at the same damn time, Lucious is going through some things—and I’m actually not referring to under aged women for once. This new boom boom bang bang jam with Freda is stirring up some flashbacks to his unstable childhood. Everyone who tells him this episode that his music just isn’t there or his lyrics don’t have any substance just further send him spiraling down the memory hole and instead of just facing his emotions for the song, he acts like a bigger dick. Cause that’s how Lucious do.

Since he’s all caught up in trying to suppress his those weird things called feelings, he doesn’t noticed that his #2 prized musician (#1 is obv Freda) is sneaking around with Cookie to produce a new song. It starts with a little texty text of audio clips where Cookie responds “flip the perspective” and Jamal knows exactly what that means and suddenly the song sounds exactly the same but is SO MUCH BETTER. Whatever, I don’t question Cookie. She’s a mogul. But that was bullshit.

What ISN’T bullshit is Porsha. I know that I just mentioned she should be paid more but what I realized soon after is that she should be in the show more. Girl had like 4 lines in last night’s episode and she killed it. Cookie gets all spiffed up to go out—not with Laz—and asks for Porsha’s opinion of her front AND her back. This allows for Porsha to go OFF with sassy comments including, “Word up, Cook. Yaas my boss is a PIMP.” And I beg of Empire…more Porsha, pls.

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Other than my Porsha praise, let’s focus on the fact that Cookie appeared to be getting extra dressed up and in need of advice on how she looked for a date with….HER SON. This makes me feel icky and I don’t like it because Lucious is the creepy parent, and there’s only room for one of those in the Lyon fam. Since we’re on the topic of things that I’m not loving, Cookie’s micro bangs that have been far too frequent this season have GOT TO GO. They are atrocious. Sorry, I got sidetracked with pure disdain for her bangs wig, but not distracted enough to see Cookie sharing an ear bud with Jamal at a restaurant, like a modern-day spaghetti slurp from Lady & the Tramp. Jamal is obviously the Tramp in this scenario. They even snake over to Lyon Dynasty to lay down the track and have to hide from Hakeem the next morning, walk of shame style.

Across the Lyon family line, Lucious continues to ignore every piece of business advice from Andre and sends him back to bang a city official to erase more legal troubles for Freda. I had completely forgotten that this used to be Andre’s thang before he found his lord & savior. Since cheating on your pregnant wife is kind of frowned upon in the bible, Andre seeks advice from his priest on how to handle it. Turns out blackmail is TOTES ok with baby J, so Andre uses a sex tape to threaten his government boo to clear Freda’s gang injunction then goes straight home to Rhonda to talk about praying. Just kitten, he finally lays it on her and she’s like my prayers have been answered. Turns out Rhonda has been REALLY hurtin for it.

Oh hey, remember how baby doe Laura told Hakeem that she didn’t want to hook up with him and he was like that’s cool we’ll be all business? Yeah that lasted like 5 minutes. At the teaser for Cookie’s latest idea inspired by her sex-cation with Laz, entitled “Cookie’s Cookout”, getting the D rreeeallllyyy makes her a creative genius. That name is SO innovative. Anywho, some hip-hop bloggers come to see the three ho’s perform a new song about mimosas in some sassy fringe dresses. The song is pretty much Grammy-worthy with one lyric being, “All dem girls in their yoga pants.” It’s like Mirage A Trois is the voice of our generation or something. Mimosas and yoga pants, cause that’s what a basic betch does. More buzzworthy than a cookout thrown by Cookie or a power struggle ass bump mid-song between Laura and Carmen…is obviously Cookie’s attire. She’s wearing a pair of sparkly boyfriend jeans that I never knew I needed.

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Since Laura clearly doesn’t know how to be top hoe, Tiana gives her lessons on how to be sexier while Hakeem watches with his mouth agape. All part of her sexifying/star-making process, Hakeem brings Laura out to perform on the streets. She sings in Spanish, draws a crowd and definitely no suspicions as Hakeem stands directly in front of her with hood up, sunglasses on like a prowler. Laura decides right then that she must have this Unabomber and smooches him thus erasing her firm stance on no hooking up. Claps for holding out for SO long, grl. Her lessons clearly worked, because later when Mirage performs their new hit again (that sounds like it’s plagiarized from Trey Songz) Laura booty checks Carmen. TAKE THAT, CARMEN. Laura’s got balls of steel now, obv.

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Kinda like Cookie who sets up a meeting with the nice neighborhood boys who kidnapped her son in attempts to extort her for money. Except now she’s handing the cash over freely because she thinks they work with Laz and are securing her a venue for Cookie’s Cookout. Hakeem smells the poop in this deal and although he agrees to it, he also tells Cookie that he doesn’t trust pretty boy. Sniff it out Hakeem before your mom gets F’ed, in more ways than one.

Aandd then a lot of sketchy shit goes down with Lucious that gave me all the uncomfies. First of all, lezzy Mimi is back to be shady. She suggests Lucious partner with a creator of a streaming service who Lucious meets with, KO’s, and then visits him in the hospital and coerces him to draw up a contract while Mimi dopes him up for compliance. Totes legit business. Then Mimi and Lucious get hammered and close the deal with a celebratory threesome that gets real weird, real quick. There’s tears, a secret phone call and guns. What threesome doesn’t end like this, amirite?! JK, Lucious is inspired by his lady friend’s gun tat to take his mom’s favorite Russian roulette instrument into the studio and finish boom boom…which by the way WE HEAR NO LESS THAN 4 TIMES IN THIS EPISODE. After the first play I swore I would chop my ears off if I heard it again. This song is terrible and it kills me that someone can repeat boom boom and bang bang and BAM you got yourself a track. To be clear Bam is not included in the song. Just boom and bang. And by the end of the episode with Lucious’ epiphany we’ve got some live gun sounds and a full transformation into DMX. No seriously, he yells so much I expected him to bark and yell UH UH, X GONN GIVE IT TO YA. But alas, he just finishes a hit that I’m guessing we haven’t heard the end of.

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Drip Drops:

  • What is it with Lucious standing in on a recording and tossing around spirit fingers? What producer contribution is this?
  • Jamal finally performs his newest Cookie-touched song in earth tones and a fedora…Ne-Yo wore one last week, Lucious rocked one in the studio. This show is really putting JT circa 2002 back on the map and I’m not sure that I support the return of the fedora. Maybe just special occasions? Multiple fedoras per episode feels like a lot. Find your balance, Empire.
  • Cookie tongue-ing Laz while wearing a gemstone ring literally the size of her entire hand gave me delicious visions of her finding out the truth and using that rock to destroy his pretty ass face. Fingers crossed for a beating by glamorous jewels.
  • This totally wasn’t creepy or anything:

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