Pop Culture, Television

The Hills: That Was Then, This Is Now

It’s been 10 years since The Hills taught me that moving to a city in your twenties is equivalent to being a celebrity. It left out the part about not being able to afford an apartment with a pool, staying in with network TV on a week night instead of hitting the clubs, and having friends that DON’T give you diamonds for your 21st birthday. Whatever. The Hills MIGHT have given me unreal expectations about post-college life being as fancy-free as a Natasha Bedingfield song. That’s why I’m not sure why I’m so surprised that they duped me once again. LC made her big announcement about a month ago about The Hills “reunion” for all the fans that stuck by her side (Me, obviously. I buy all her clothes and still quote her daily.) They revved us up with an all day marathon of the reality TV glory (pre-Kardashian days.) And then what they delivered was a one hour special with LC, her parents, her husband and a couple of producers…talking about her life. They promo’ed both clothing lines, her charity work, and showed us how gr8 her life is now. I KNOW HER LIFE IS GREAT. SHE’S LAUREN F’ING CONRAD! And it wasn’t until that final credit rolled last night that I realized I had eaten that shit right up. I was tricked and yet I still watched it and tweeted about it and now I’m writing this recap. You done me good, MTV. But know that I’m disappointed.

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Since I’m assuming the majority of the world chose the ChadBear pooping his pants on Bachelor in Paradise over this snoozefest, here are your highlights. But seriously, I accept Dunks gift cards as a form of thank you for DVR’ing this then sitting two inches away from my TV taking ratchet pictures and videos to enhance this recap.

 

Things That Are The Same:

  • LC still rolls around Laguna in her black convertible, top down, blonde locks blowing in the ocean breeze. Gawd I wanted this to be fake but she’s just such a casj cool Cali girl. Her parents also still live in a kickass house with an infinity pool that looks across the ocean.*(see “things that are different.”)

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  • Thirsty ass bitches are friends. Left on the cutting room floor: Heidi telling Kimmy K at her housewarming party, “We’re the only people in American who have jellyfish.” This interaction EXPLAINS EVERYTHING and I can’t believe it’s been buried for this long.

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  • Audrina is like, really pretty. No seriously, LC talks about meeting “their very pretty neighbor.” It means she’s dumb, guys. Also this is pure bullshit because everyone knows Audrina auditioned to be in The Hills.
  • Brody and LC have 0.0 chemistry. Their first date banter about LC’s Cheshire cat smile and how it pretty much seemed like it was going nowhere was just the tip of the iceberg. Obviously producers fabricated the LC/Brody drama and now we have the proof! Like a couple of seasoned actors, they played along with: I like your smile, no I like your smile! *closed mouth kiss.* END SCENE.

Things That Are Different:

  • *Except now Mr & Mrs Conrad’s house is a shrine to LC’s magazine covers.

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  • Bitch intern Emily might’ve once shamed LC for being so uneducated in the world of flowers but LOOK AT HER NOW, she knows what garden roses are and runs a fashion empire. Where did you end up, Emdoggz?

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  • We now know that Jason was a RAGING alcoholic during his early reality TV star years. This is key as now we can unearth the real reason LC dumped his ass and a BTS peek at him hammered when they force her to “recreate” their breakup for the camera. LC was actually crying because it was morning and Jason was three sheets to the wind, or like a freckle past a hair? This scene alone is hilarious and then LC adds a very generic & monotone, “Jason had a happy ending and is sober and married.” Good for you, Jason. Sucks that LC didn’t get enough credit for telling ole spiky hair, BOY BYE because she was sick of dragging his dead booze weight out of Les Deux on a Monday night.

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(PS what a Dick for being drunk and saying LC isn’t acting normal.)

  • LC is a businesswoman now and realizes that MTV bought her Teen Vogue “internship.” Whereas back in the day she actually thought she was interviewing for it. Oh, honey.

Things That Deserve Their Own Reality Show:

  • William and LC. Seriously these two cannot be any cuter. LC babbles about fashion and William looks at her like this:

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He even attends her clothing line board meetings. RELASHE GOALZ.

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  • LC yelling at MTV for putting her and Spencer in the same room. These two HATED each other and seeing LC be like wtf, guys every time they snuck him into a scene would be all the entertainment.

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  • The amount of guys that Hills producers paid to chat/kiss/be LC’s boyfriend for the night. Seriously, the way they mic’ed up dirty Parisian guy before he even walked over to LC is impressive. Then they pulled the puppet strings to get him to kiss her. TV MAGIC. I guess this is technically the premise for Unreal but I’d still like to see more of their blatant producing of this show. LC was tipped off this guy was going in for the kiss so she ran away. I’ve never been more proud. That kiss would’ve been like a hit of dirt and nicotine. Stay clean, LC.

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But actually think about what it would be like to be 23 and out at a bar where every guy who chats you up has already spoken to your producers and signed a waiver. YIKES.

  • LC’s cat eye. No f’real. Her business savvy is impressive, her charity work is honorable but the most important thing is that winged liner. I will worship all day at the altar of her perfected Persian eye.
  • This house.  I think I actually wiped up a little drool just from an establishing shot of her yard. Holy MTV money.

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Noticeably Missing:

  • Segment on where Justin Bobby is today. What his spiritual beliefs are, if he’s washed his hair lately, if he still sweeps chicks off their feet with just one burp. You know, the important stuff. I would’ve even settled for LC giving us an unfiltered commentary on a classic JB scene.

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  • An apology from Lisa Love. She’s gotta feel like a real asshole now for Paris-shaming LC when she was just trying to check her 18-year-old boyfriend into rehab.

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  • A shoutout to William’s days in Something Corporate. Sigh. Tween girl in me is disappointed. HE USED TO BE A PUNK HEARTTHROB! HE WAS ONCE FAMOUS TOO! Give us that backstory!
  • A live look at Heidi and Spencer as aunt/uncle to Holly’s baby. Does Uncle Spence rub crystals on the little homeboy?

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  • Whitney’s reaction to a shocked face montage.

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  • An in-depth discussion of current events and politics with Audrina.

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  • LC mocking her worst fashion moments of The Hills. Cough cough, plastic black headband, cough.

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And finally, it wouldn’t be a real rundown on The Hills without mention of the most ridiculous couple. As a reaction to being iced out of the special, Speidi took completely different approaches, both with the goal of attention. Let us observe. Spencer went full Kanye:

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Heidi opted for the kill ‘em with kindness tactic. Hey Heidi, LC will never be your friend again. Stop trying. It’s been 10 years. Let it go, girlfriend.

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*Cue acoustic version of “feel the rain on your skin….no one else can feel it for you….only you can let it in.” 

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JUice

Weekly JUice

Week of 5/2/16

1. THE KING IS BACK. 

When JT started teasing new music this week, I almost had to change my undies right on the spot. That’s how much I missed his beats. And him, in general. As I type this it’s Thursday night and I specifically stayed up 10 more minutes to hear it when it dropped at midnight. AND OBVIOUSLY IT’S FIRE FLAMES. When does summer officially start? May 6th. Put it in your science books because JT just started summer with this bangpiece. (Just so we’re all on the same page, we’re all pretending this isn’t a song for animated trolls.)

2. I mean, obviously.

Look I’m not a huge shipper of Gwen especially after she started dating Blake Shelton and the two of them tossed it in everyone’s faces constantly because they started banging on a show they both worked on (how original) but bring in Clooney and Julia Roberts and I’m sold. I mean seriously, I can’t sit still for 10 minutes without checking my phone or gazing off into space but these 10-15 minute carpool karaokes keep me riveted.

3. Let’s go back, back to the beginning. I follow the former Laguna Beachers on Insta specifically waiting for a moment like this. No seriously, if I unfollowed them and missed this it would sooook, which is why I put up with all the posts about how they’re so grown up and getting married and having babies and totally distancing themselves from when they were dumb high school idiots who threw bougie black and white parties and benefits at a hotel just so they could drink. Anyway, if this isn’t a teaser enough, something’s definitely brewing in the Laguna world with the B-list stars. I mean seriously…who invited Christina and Morgan to ever participate in anything entertainment related again? I’m also guessing JWahl is slumming it because his addiction appearances with Dr. Drew were drying up. Try all you want but ya’ll will never be LC. (Making Bambi inspired t-shirts for Kohls.) JK, JK. If you want to reminisce about Laguna before whatever this might be airs, check out my prized and well researched ‘Guna blog here.

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And……. Here we go! @alexmurrel

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Let's go back … Back to the beginning 😜

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4. A peek into my future if I have accidental kids. Female ensemble comedies are all the rage these days and here’s a new one about being shitty moms who like to party.

5. Tha Carters bathe in money. Beyonce dropped Lemonade a couple weeks ago about how Jay cheated on her, essentially cashing in on the ‘vator scandal. And everyone’s like ooohhh ahhhh, Jay-Z better WATCH HIMSELF. Uh, CTFD, this is obviously a business plan and part 2 is Hova’s response album. Cha ching, cha ching TIIDAALLLLLL. I wouldn’t be surprised if Blue hopped in the studio next for an exclusive Beyhive Jr. album. Anyway, I approve wholeheartedly. The world is a better place for getting to hear marital drama play out on spicy new songs. Plus the graphic tee world needed a refresh from all the “But first, coffee” tees and “Becky with the good hair” is a fine place to start. So thank you, Illuminati.

BONUS:

Their eyes are photoshopped right? Either way, Team Logan 4ever.

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JUice

Weekly JUice

Week of 7/6/15

1. The Royal Family is adorbs city. We’ve got some new pics from little nugget Charlotte’s christening and I’m not kidding when I say that these two kids are the cutest little smushes that side of the pond. Frame this, screenshot it, whatever…it’s the rarest of things to ever see me talk about a child, let alone admit that it’s cute. I stand by this statement though.

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2. J.Law goes all Cher. Zany Jennifer Lawrence everybody’s goofy celeb favorite is back in the press for promoting the final(?) Hunger Games and she’s obviously acting like a real goober. Here’s her busting out into a little Cher with her HAWT BFFs/Costars on Conan.

3. Harry Styles fell onstage. I’m putting this in the mix because falling, much like farting, WILL ALWAYS BE FUNNY. Call me immature (I obviously am) but a good tumble will always put a smile on my face. So much so, in fact, that I had a SUUUUPER embarrassing fall up the steps coming from the train this past winter while wearing a skirt and tights and uggs (Uggs are the silent killer…seriously they should put a warning on those bad boys that they’re trip hazard city when you buy them) anyway back to my cringeworthy fall, I tripped over my Uggs on one step then tried to catch myself and tripped again and basically ended up crawling up the rest of the steps because my legs were like we’ve forgotten how to function please pick up the slack here. There were probably one trillion witnesses behind me but I pulled it together and never looked back. However, every time I think of that fall I laugh out loud. So long story short, I feel you, Harry. The fall that leads to an even bigger fall is the real deal. Now let me make fun of you.

4. Kristin “STE-VHENNNN” Cavallari is having a girl. Kristin and Jay Cutler are on their third kid and this piece of juice is really just for my ‘Guna shippers because did we EVER predict that the black choker wearin’, “my car is DUNZO” shoutin’, Cabo pole dancin’ sloot from Laguna would be the organic obsessed mommy that she is today? Like this is completely a shock, right? Anyway, she’s cranking out a girl this time which I’m guessing she’s probably pretty excited for after two boys but also she’s going to have 3 kids under the age of 4 and that sounds like a NIGHTMARE. Congrats, though girlfraaan.

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5. Fox casts Danny Zuko for Grease LIVE! 

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Julianne Hough has already been cast for Sandy and now they’ve announced our Danny will be Aaron Tveit and I’m honestly not quite so sure how I feel about it. John Travolta was a real hunk as Danny Zuko…like probably my first crush, which is super mortifying to admit now that he’s got scary face but he could get it when he was in that leather jacket. I’ll need some convincing with this guy and also I will probably never ever watch this program because musicals suck unless they include Zac Efron singing about whether he should choose basketball or acting. Life is so hard, especially when you have to break into song randomly.

BONUS: Because I love Amy Schumer a whole lot and can’t wait to see Trainwreck…Here’s John Hamm pretending to be Bill Hader and the two of them just acting like a couple of assholes in an interview.

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JUice

Weekly JUice

1. The Royals met Will & Kate

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“My breasts are George’s breakfast.”-Kate

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Yeah, yeah, this happened Monday and technically now it’s old news but it would be embarrassing if I rounded up the best headlines from the week and glossed over this. If you saw this photo of the royals mingling with Will & Kate and didn’t immediately wonder what they could possibly talking about then I don’t want to know you as a person. I mean they could’ve been marrying off George and Blue Ivy for all we know. (Fingers crossed) Also Lebron James obviously tried to insert himself into the cool kids group, grammed a picture with Will & Kate and called them the Queen and the Prince and himself the King (naturally) and then quickly corrected it. He also took a lot of heat (pun intended) for how grabby he was with the Duchess and how that’s real frowned upon in England. Get it together, Lebron. Gawd. Stop making our country look trashy & sweaty.

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PS In fresher Queen B news, she released a short film today for the one year anniversary of the secret album heard round the world. I watched it and considered including it in the juice, but it’s 11 mins and 30 seconds worth of cliche quotes and weird artsy scenes and I will not subject my readers to that. Watch at your own risk and be prepared to hear a lot of quotes you usually see on the poster in the Dentist’s office.

2. Marky Mark and Jimmy Fallon have a giant hand slapfest.

Do I have the maturity level of a 5 year old who couldn’t stop laughing at two grown men big hand slapping each other? Absolutely and I’ve come to terms with that. Mark has been in the news a lot lately for being a big jerk who wants to be pardoned for his near murder of a man when he was just a kid on the dirty streetz of Dorchestah. It was nice to see him settle down and have some nice goofy times with Jimmy, and also letting Jimmy mess up his stupid slicked hair. SLICKED HAIR ISN’T HOT MARKY MARK. But this is:

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 3. The Golden Globes and SAG Nominees were announced–which means we’re closer to more awards show recaps from yours truly!! The biggest jazz about this nominees list is that Ben Affleck got snubbed, as is now a tradition apparently. On the bright side, someone in a dark corner of the Internet released the uncut shower scene from Gone Girl and we can all bask in the glory of Ben’s junk. It’s unfortunate that the one quality movie I did see this year (Gone Girl) only got a few noms. So everyone can look forward to me fully focusing on making fun of the Golden Globes rather than giving film reviews, as I clearly don’t watch award-winning movies.

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Golden Globe Full Nominee List:

BEST MOTION PICTURE, DRAMA
Boyhood
Selma
The Imitation Game
The Theory of Everything
Foxcatcher

BEST ACTRESS, MOTION PICTURE, DRAMA
Julianne Moore, Still Alice
Reese Witherspoon, Wild
Rosamund Pike, Gone Girl
Felicity Jones, The Theory of Everything
Jennifer Aniston, Cake

BEST ACTOR, MOTION PICTURE DRAMA
Eddie Redmayne, The Theory of Everything
Benedict Cumberbatch, The Imitation Game
Steve Carell, Foxcatcher
David Oyelowo, Selma
Jake Gyllenhaal, Nightcrawler

BEST DIRECTOR
Richard Linklater, Boyhood
Alejandro González Iñárritu, Birdman
Ava DuVernay, Selma
David Fincher, Gone Girl
Wes Anderson, The Grand Budapest Hotel

BEST TV DRAMA
The Good Wife
Downton Abbey
Game of Thrones
The Affair
House of Cards

BEST ACTOR, TV SERIES, DRAMA
Kevin Spacey, House of Cards
Clive Owen, The Knick
Dominic West, The Affair
James Spader, The Blacklist
Liev Schreiber, Ray Donovan

BEST ACTRESS, TV SERIES, DRAMA
Julianna Margulies, The Good Wife
Robin Wright, House of Cards
Viola Davis, How to Get Away With Murder
Ruth Wilson, The Affair
Claire Danes, Homeland

BEST MOTION PICTURE, MUSICAL OR COMEDY
Birdman
Into the Woods
St. Vincent
Pride
The Grand Budapest Hotel

BEST ACTRESS, MOTION PICTURE, MUSICAL OR COMEDY
Emily Blunt, Into the Woods
Amy Adams, Big Eyes
Julianne Moore, Maps to the Stars
Helen Mirren, The Hundred-Foot Journey
Quvenzhané Wallis, Annie

BEST ACTOR, MOTION PICTURE, MUSICAL OR COMEDY
Michael Keaton, Birdman
Ralph Fiennes, The Grand Budapest Hotel
Bill Murray, St. Vincent
Joaquin Phoenix, Inherent Vice
Christoph Waltz, Big Eyes 

BEST TV COMEDY
Girls
Jane the Virgin
Orange Is the New Black
Silicon Valley
Transparent

BEST ACTRESS IN A TV SERIES, COMEDY
Julia Louis-Dreyfus, Veep
Taylor Schilling, Orange Is the New Black
Lena Dunham, Girls
Gina Rodriguez, Jane the Virgin
Edie Falco, Nurse Jackie

BEST ACTOR IN A TV SERIES, COMEDY
Don Cheadle, House of Lies
Ricky Gervais, Derek
Jeffrey Tambor, Transparent
Louis C.K., Louie
William H. Macy, Shameless

BEST TV MINISERIES OR MOVIE
True Detective
Fargo
The Normal Heart
Olive Kitteridge
The Missing

BEST ACTRESS IN A TV MINISERIES OR MOVIE
Frances McDormand, Olive Kitteridge
Maggie Gyllenhaal, The Honorable Woman
Jessica Lange, American Horror Story: Freak Show
Frances O’Connor, Missing
Allison Tolman, Fargo

BEST ACTOR IN A TV MINISERIES OR MOVIE
Matthew McConaughey, True Detective
Billy Bob Thornton, Fargo
Martin Freeman, Fargo
Woody Harrelson, True Detective
Mark Ruffalo, The Normal Heart

BEST SUPPORTING ACTRESS IN A TV SERIES, MINISERIES, OR MOTION PICTURE
Allison Janney, Mom
Uzo Aduba, Orange Is the New Black
Kathy Bates, American Horror Story: Freak Show
Michelle Monaghan, True Detective
Joan Frogatt, Downton Abbey

BEST SUPPORTING ACTOR IN A TV SERIES, MINISERIES, OR MOTION PICTURE
Matthew Bomer, The Normal Heart
Jon Voight, Ray Donovan
Bill Murray, Olive Kitteridge
Alan Cumming, The Good Wife
Colin Hanks, Fargo

BEST SCREENPLAY, MOTION PICTURE
Birdman
Boyhood
Gone Girl
The Grand Budapest Hotel
The Imitation Game

BEST FOREIGN LANGUAGE FILM
Ida
Tangerine Mandarin
Leviathan
Force Majeure
Gett: The Trial of Viviane Amsalem

BEST SUPPORTING ACTOR, MOTION PICTURE
J.K. Simmons, Whiplash
Edward Norton, Birdman
Mark Ruffalo, Foxcatcher
Ethan Hawke, Boyhood
Robert Duvall, The Judge

BEST SUPPORTING ACTRESS, MOTION PICTURE
Patricia Arquette, Boyhood
Emma Stone, Birdman
Meryl Streep, Into the Woods
Keira Knightley, The Imitation Game
Jessica Chastain, A Most Violent Year

BEST ANIMATED FEATURE FILM
The Lego Movie
Big Hero 6
How to Train Your Dragon 2
The Boxtrolls
The Book of Life

BEST ORIGINAL SONG
John Legend & Common, “Glory” (Selma)
Lana Del Rey, “Big Eyes” (Big Eyes)
Patti Smith, “Mercy Is” (Noah)
Sia, “Opportunity” (Annie)
Lorde, “Yellow Flicker Beat” (The Hunger Games: Mockingjay — Part I)

BEST ORIGINAL SCORE
Johann Johannsson, The Theory of Everything
Alexandre Desplat, The Imitation Game
Trent Reznor & Atticus Ross, Gone Girl
Antonio Sanchez, Birdman
Hans Zimmer, Interstellar

4. Lauren Conrad was featured on a Pop Innovator special on E! last night and I couldn’t have been more excited to watch it. Trey made an appearance because he’s still a supportive BFF to LC and he also aged REAL well. It also featured the creator of Laguna Beach/The Hills, LC’s whole family, best friend & business partner and her agent. It was a behind the scenes look at the life of Lauren Conrad including some real adorbsies home videos and childhood photos. Things I learned: 1. LC’s 22 year old brother is a smoke, where has he been hiding? 2. LC was supposed to be at a soccer game the day they had auditions for Laguna Beach and she didn’t go and therefore was kicked off the team–LC was an ATHLETE?! 3. She agreed to do The Hills mostly for the paycheck…a TV show about her life is literally comparable to the rest of us taking a receptionist job right out of college..doing it for the paycheck/insurance. That immediately put my life into perspective. 4. Apparently the Teen Vogue internship was an actual internship (not all scripted) and she was expected to do intern things even though her cover photo hung on the wall in the office. Side note: Blaine made an appearance and is still very hot and was much nicer than he ever was on The Hills. 5. In case you hadn’t already figured it out, my girl crush on LC has grown three sizes since watching this. Plus she looked GREAT on the special:

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5. Barbara Walters Announced Most Fascinating People on The View. Babs named: Neil Patrick Harris, Oprah Winfrey, Taylor Swift, Chelsea Handler, Michael Strahan, Scarlett Johansson, and David Koch will be featured in her annual most fascinating people special. The additional three interviewees will be revealed during the broadcast. I’m like 90% sure she picks the same people every year but if it’s a slow TV night you bet your bottom dollar I’ll be watching and possibly blogging about it. Might be good for some juicy TSwizzle tidbits.

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Outfit on point as alwayz

 

Bonus:  For my fellow New Girl fans (or Cuse people) Zooey Deschanel filmed fat Schmidt lip synching and dancing to Rihanna. (Follow link below)

http://hellogiggles.com/rihanna-vs-schmidt

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Pop Culture, Television

Laguna Beach Reunion

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This past weekend was the Laguna High School 10 year reunion, so in honor of TEN YEARS (shit. I feel old. I assume they do too…) I made the executive decision to dedicate a whole post to the show and the people that we knew everything about and then suddenly never heard from again. Where are they now, you ask? For half of them…their only claim to fame was spring breaking in Mexico and getting a weekly mani/pedi to prep for the Friday night bonfire on the beach. Why not reminisce on those special moments with a breakdown of our favorite faces of Laguna. (Season 1-2 strictly…season 3 was an abomination to TV)

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Morgan Olsen

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Most Cringeworthy Moment: When she babbled on and on about how much she couldn’t wait to get the F out of Laguna and be an independent woman who was 1000x better than all those bimbos and rich whores who stay in Laguna forever and then only applied to one college (because it was her first choice) and was promptly rejected from said college. Could we have all glossed over it if she applied to other schools or maybe not opened her letter on camera? Yeah probably. But the fact that she ripped the whole town of Laguna to shreds and then had to insert her tail between her legs when she stayed there for an extra year made it her most memorable and cringeworthy moment in the ‘gune.

Most Noble Moment: When she goes to NYC with Christina and listens to her god awful singing voice and tells her she’s great. That was seriously admirable. What a great friend.

Today: She finally went to BYU, second time’s a charm, got married in 2010 and started cranking out babies right away. She was prob suuper excited to start banging once she was married. She runs a lifestyle blog (http://www.smithhereblog.com) with her hubs now.

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Christina Schuller

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Most Cringeworthy Moment: Briefly mentioned already but hands down has to be her audition for Rent/Wicked in NYC that she received as a birthday present from her parents. She was a raging bitch of nerves before she auditioned shutting Morgan down when she asked what she would do if she became a broadway star. We all learned why she was so nervous REAL quick. She went into the audition room and sang “Only Hope” by Mandy Moore via A Walk to Remember. The song choice was hilarious in itself because she plucked it from a Nicholas Sparks teen movie but the sounds that came out of her were even funnier. Props to whoever edited this scene and kept cutting to Morgan in the waiting room with a look of discomfort as well as the judge of the audition who was clearly entertaining this only for the cameras. The judge immediately shut her down and told her to keep working at it and to never bore her with a song that long again (I may be paraphrasing here) and Christina scampered out and never spoke of this incident again. Too bad it’s forever on DVD for me to watch and lawl at.

Most Noble Moment: When she big times LC and Lo, has her 18th birthday party without them and still stands her ground even when she gets caught red-handed. It’s seriously baffling that Morgan and Christina are at all considered a part of the “cool group” in Laguna because they were a bunch of snoozy virgins who sang in church for story lines. It was clear that they weren’t cool early on and MTV started to phase them out, so apologies for having their notable moments from the same two episodes but it was really for the best that they appeared sparsely. Anyway, actual cool girls LC and Lo called Christina out for the non-invite and they had a bitch-off in the nail salon and it was super fake and uncomfy but I give her credit for holding her own here. Honorable mention: Gracefully opening her graduation gift and seeing that her parents got her a bible while everyone else got new cars, sound systems and laptops. She got to show off her Broadway chops acting like this present was gr8.

Today: Christina got married in 2011, also had a son 2 weeks apart from Morgan having one because they’re still BFFS who do everything together and runs a fitness website (http://www.beachbabefitness.com) where she can be seen giving workout tips like the one pictured below (downward facing baby?). The two Melvins have the exact same life naturally.

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Talan Torriero

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Most Cringeworthy Moment: When Lo & LC call him up to invite themselves over to his hot tub and he tells them how cool and chill they are and then asks them to give him some advice on how to get girls to like him. Cut the corny shit Talan, even Lo knew it was an act, keep getting bitches into your hot tub and you’ll be just fine/ Season 2 when he actually says “I compare you to other girls, but there’s no comparison…wow that’s like a line from a movie or something”. Yeah it is Talan, stop ripping off cheesy rom-coms to make Taylor or Kristin believe that you can’t get tail.

Most Noble Moment: Getting up onstage during the benefit concert and singing with his eyes closed the entire time. I’m gonna go out on a limb here and say that he probably kept his eyes shut because he didn’t want to see everyone laughing at him.

Today: Talan just got married this year so his playboy days are over and he works as a creative director for TMG Digital. Guess he gave up that acting thing…although he did try to date celebs for a while.

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Trey Phillips

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Most Cringeworthy Moment: Getting in a fight with an aggressive midget at the Blink 182 concert./When he would get preachy (mostly in the graduation video with badass nose ring film girl) about how the youth need to take care of their planet. It was great that he cared about something other than bejeweled trucker hats, but at the same time, read the room, Trey, you’re surrounded by people who think the show The OC was written about them. Thank God he got the F up outta there.

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Most Noble Moment: Let’s be honest, pretty much everything that Trey did was noble. Founding AYA (Active Young America), organizing fashion shows and coffeehouses all for good causes? It’s everything that we loved about Trey Trey. While everyone else was worried about the drama, Trey was just running a fashion show for people who lost their homes in a landslide, no biggie. Honorable mention: his prom ask was by far the best out of all the creepy prom asks. Tea lights that spelled out Prom–Sound cheesy? Yeah..but let’s remember his competition was a big ass banner from Dieter, creepy stalker notes from Stephen and a guy named Gary putting an inconvenient amount of goldfish in Morgan’s room.

Today: After ‘Guna, Trey attended Parsons School of Design, started a non-profit “City Love” where people are encouraged to paint murals of what they love about their city, and is an associate designer for Vera Wang. He travels a lot and does cool shit and most importantly still finds time to bro out with Dieter, Stephen and LC.

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Dieter Schmitz

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Most Cringeworthy Moment: Ummmm I’m gonna go with his ENTIRE relationship with Jessica. How Jessica snagged a guy this good will always be beyond me, but all of their interactions were weird and I’m thankful he kicked her to the curb. Also there were some specific times (season 1) where his eyebrows were basically waxed into oblivion and that was pretty cringeworthy.

Most Noble Moment: Season 2, at the fashion show benefit when Jessica and Jason start macking and LC catches them, Dieter coming to the rescue was the cutest thing on this earth. He comforts his friend, tells her to pull her shit together and then goes after Jason with a calm but calculated, “You’re my bro, so straight up, did you kiss Jessica, bro?” Dieter proved to be the MVP of guy friends in that episode and it warmed my icy heart.

Today: Dieter is now engaged to a cutie, who hopefully has no similar qualities to Ms. Jessica and manages a fancy hotel. He lives on the east coast and therefore has more play times with Trey who also still lives around NYC. (And Polster, the party enthusiast)

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Alex Hooser

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Most Cringeworthy Moment: The fact that she was always second fiddle to Kristin and Jessica and basically was on the show just to ask them questions about their relationships and give them good advice that they all promptly ignored./ When she said, “I feel like being a senior you just mature so much more. Like drama and gossip don’t matter as much.” Oh you dooooo, Alex?

Most Noble Moment: Every single time she called Jessica a dumbass. It was perfection. Also when she basically did nothing to defend Jessica in Cabo during the “SAY YOU’RE A SLUT” incident (see Alex M. for full descrip)

Today: She lives in Hawaii, is a realtor and basically continues to stay private and low key probably still recovering from all those years of being Kristin’s bitch.

 

Taylor Cole

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Most Cringeworthy Moment: This award mostly goes to her mom but when she’s getting ready for her first date with Talan and her mom comes charging in, gives her outfit advice and asks if she thinks Talan will kiss her. Stop trying to be the cool mom, Mrs. Cole.

Most Noble Moment: Taylor pretty much slinked away from the drama, mostly because the drama IS Kristin and Kristin hated her stinkin’ guts. Basically her only story line was with Talan two-timing her and she was a meek little baby mouse throughout all of that, so she OBVIOUSLY didn’t belong on this show.

Today: Taylor went to school in Arizona and is now the director of sales and marketing at TLC&You, a company that sells travel-ware to the first class flyers of Laguna (eye roll) that she started with her mom.

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Alex Murrel

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Most Cringeworthy Moment: At the landslide benefit fashion show when her and Talan perform and she sings a 2 minute song of the word hello with her hair aggressively covering her face and jazzy Christina Aguilera hands when she hit the high notes. SHE WAS BORN TO BE A STAR.

Most Noble Moment: In Cabo for spring break when she turns into a completely bad bitch and goes after Jessica forcing her to admit that she’s a slut. It was high school bullying at it’s finest. The drinks were flowing, the music was playing, and a high school senior was yelling out that she’s a slut, so there.

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Today: Alex apparently tried the acting thing for a minute and all that resulted in was some weird TMZ drug bust because her bf at the time was a casual drug dealer? So my sources say…Now she works for MOX Agency, a boutique marketing and consulting agency that posts a lot of pictures and quotes on Instagram. She got engaged in Thailand and married about a month ago. Girl looks great and is still besties with Taylor Cole…no singing career though, sad face.

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Jessica Smith

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Most Cringeworthy Moment: Jessica was absolutely the type of girlfriend who would call her boyfriend and tell him everything she ate that day and then ask him where he was, what he was eating, what he was wearing and what he was thinking about. So when she turned into the dum dum of Laguna who let JWahl repeatedly cheat on her and then whine about it and take him back, she became the most cringeworthy character in Laguna history.

Most Noble Moment: Before the Landslide fashion show when they were all talking about Talan taking the stage and Jess has a look of pure disgust and goes, “Do you think he’d actually be good?” and then says she’s probably going to laugh the whole time he’s singing. All the awards.

Today: Jessica got married (after snagging a DUI..apparently her and Jason still do have things in common) and lives in Southern California with her three kids constantly tweeting and instagramming pictures of them. Puke. That’s not what social media is for, Jessica. On the up side, I found this picture of her toddler with acrylics on, and that put me in a good mood for the rest of the week. She’s obv a great mom. (Pezzed she married a hottie..)

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Jason Wahler

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Most Cringeworthy Moment: The night him and Cedric crashed poker night at Casey’s and ran around Morgan’s house with masks on and hit the windows. Cool prank guys. Then he tried to spit game at Alex and basically just ended up staring at her a lot. “My name Jason, I try sex with girls.”/When he got hammied at the benefit fashion show (can you tell this was my fave episode of all time?) and told LC “it’s like digusting but I’m obsessed with you.” Swoooon.

Most Noble Moment: His first date with LC in the old timey car his grandparents owned that belongs in a Memorial Day parade was adorable and made us all understand why LC bit it so hard for Jason. He acted like a true gentleman on their date and not like the cig smoking skeeze that he really was. He fooled us all girl, fooled us all.

Today: After dating LC/tormenting The Hills, becoming a real asshole alcoholic, going into rehab, going into celebrity rehab, getting engaged a couple times, Jason is sober now and married. And DAMN it he’s still got it.

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Jenn Bunney

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Most Cringeworthy Moment: Bunney’s first appearance before she became a legend on The Hills as a backstabbing boyfriend stealer, was epic. Bunney accompanies LC on spring break to Cabo and dribbles her dumb the whole time. She quotes LC for “what happens in Cabo, stays in Cabo” in the Laguna High newspaper. The most shocking part of this is that SHE WORKED FOR THE NEWSPAPER. Bunz was a writer?! Get. Out.

Most Noble Moment: While planning a BBQ pool party at LC’s house, Jenn brings up the topic of guests and so subtly goes who do you want to invite-Jason Wahler? Thank God she encouraged LC to go after Jason and therefore supply us with years of quality television and drama. She also told this dumb joke: “What comes before Part B? Part-A” while planning the party. The life of Jen Bunney is a real struggle.

Today: Married and no doubt an astrophysicist. She attended the 10 year reunion (pictured below) and I can only imagine the dirties that were thrown her way for being the shady person that she is.

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Stephen Colletti

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Most Cringeworthy Moment: Cabo spring break his senior year was a big cringe-fest. The level of sloppy that he got and the way he was getting in Kristin’s face telling her that she was a gutter slut whore who belonged on the streets was a liiiiiitttle rough. Then he continued his bender and his drunk, limp body fell directly into the arms of LC, who was obviously waiting for this moment all her life./Also, any time he ruffled someone’s hair or gave them a noogie and counted it as flirting.

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Most Noble Moment: I mean obviously, surprising LC at the airport in San Fran with that sexy ass white pickup of his. They rode off into the sunset, embarking on their college journey together. (We’re all going to casually forget that this lasted like a month and LC quit like a baby bitch and came running back to Laguna.)

Today: Though many tried the acting thing, Stephen was pretty much the only one who succeeded, landing the coveted role of bar manager on One Tree Hill for several seasons.(After starring in T.Swift’s White Horse music video) He dated two characters at once on OTH and real talk he was playing himself but whatevs cause it was quality TV. He never got too big to hang with his high school bros though and that’s what I love about him.

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Kristin Cavallari

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Most Cringeworthy Moment: That black choker that wouldn’t go away for all of season 1. Wearing a skankatron white dress to the black and white party. Announcing at the bikini shop that she’s a large top and a small bottom (oh you have boobs?). Her audition for girls gone wild in Cabo. “STEEEEVENNNNN, there’s a bear!!!!” Saying she was so OVER Stephen and then going back to him after she ran out of guys to penetrate her. Getting extensions that looked like she taped the hair in herself. When she kissed Heidi at the benefit fashion show while wearing the most hideous of outfits. I could go on for days. Apparently being the resident “bad girl” also means all the cringes.

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Most Noble Moment: Can we really say Kristin was ever noble? We’ll go with ballsiest moment for her. Hmm how about when she got sloppy drunk and started hooking up with Jessica’s new crush, Jeff right in front of her. “Best Friends Forever, Jess, or at least until I hit the Mike’s Hard and fall into your crushes’ lap. Better luck next time-this shit is dunzo!”-is probably how the convo went in the aftermath.

Today: Kristin kept her name in the tabz by taking over The Hills in the later seasons and then marrying Jay Cutler. She designs clothes or shoes or something too but who really cares because she’s spent her whole life trying to shake her massive bitch image that she created and guess what, no one is buying it. People don’t forget. She’s also a mom to two boys, which is terrifying.

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Lo Bosworth

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Most Cringeworthy Moment: When Lo went on a date while everyone else was in Catalina and it was the most awkward date ever to occur. The guy didn’t pay attention to her, took a phone call mid-dinner, told her she had a big mouth when she asked to split a stick of gum and she for whatever reason called him stinky as a term of endearment. It was super weird and the only time we got to see Lo date. Honorable mention: her date to prom. YIIIIKES.

Most Noble Moment: When her dad told her to help with the groceries and she delivered an aggress eye roll and was presented with a brand new white Jetta./Declaring that every day is a fashion show while deciding what to wear under her gown at graduation. Preach, Lo, you know it./Siding with Mr. Conrad when LC was almost failing out of high school and was like “wah, life sucks this is so unfair” after her dad grounded her. Lo was all, “maybe start pulling B’s, LC.”/ Also calling out LC for her fake Coach/Gucci bag when she was packing for college and calling it a Goachy. Lo was the best friend that everyone should have in their life.

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Today: Running a fashion/lifestyle blog (http://thelodown.com/) and judging by her instagram attending culinary school (and really into selfies). Of course she’s still besties with LC (and was in her wedding), those two are ride or die bitches.

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Lauren Conrad

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Most Cringeworthy Moment: We all know LC is queen, but looking back on Laguna days she still had quite a few woofie moments. Going to the fashion show with Stephen and Trey and declaring that fashion is everything to her and that her makeup and nail polish reflect her moods was a little too deep for someone wearing a cami and flare jeans. Speaking of cringe outfits, she wore a hoodie out in Mexico on her birthday. She still got laid though so, respect. (side note: drunk LC is THE BEST.) Honorable mention: When she seriously said, “Boys are like purses….” and blabbered on about how there’s nice purses that cost too much and there’s purses that embarrass the shit out of you and you don’t want to be seen with and then there’s that comfortable purse you always go back to, and it’s name is Stephen. You’re so wise, LC.

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Most Noble Moment: Any time that she had to be around Kristin and Stephen while they were together was suuupes noble. (Specifically, the limo back from prom when she had to watch them sloppy mack on each other)/Catalina, having to camp with the incessant screeching of STEEEEvENNNNN. /Also moving back to Laguna and having to deal with Kristin again with her only ally being dum dum JennBunney./Bitching out Jessica in her most condescending tone “You’re a rude girl. You’re sittin on everyone’s laps–I can’t talk to her it’s like talking to a 2 year old.”/Telling Jason off after he made her look like a moron. GIRL POWER. Oh wait, she dated him again and didn’t go to Paris? I redact. But still…she had many a noble moment.

Today: C’mon. We all know where LC is now.

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Entire Series Most Cringeworthy Moment: The fact that these girls had enough money to spend $500 on designer shoes, yet chose to wear Forever 21 club dresses to their proms and formals.

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For reals though Laguna molded my teen years. Watching seniors in high school frolic around while I was in 8th grade was probably pretty detrimental to my life. I obviously thought this show was exactly what high school would be like. It was a tough blow to realize that high school was actually just like middle school except more alcohol in your parent’s basement for the 10 months of winter that Syracuse endured. No beaches, no fancy parties, and no spring breaks. In fact, I admired Laguna so much that I tried to throw a black and white soiree freshman year of high school. It didn’t pan out…mostly because no one’s parents would entertain the idea of a bunch of 13 year olds partying in a hotel room. I wonder why…Anywho, Laguna was great to watch then but it’s EVEN better to watch now. Now that I’m older and soooo much more mature, I can actually tell when they’re clearly intoxicated on the show and also I can turn binge watching into a great drinking game. (The Hills also applies here…possible future post?) If this walk down memory lane inspired you to re-up on the classics, my sources say that MTV still has all episodes available to watch online. Jus Sayin. Feel free to comment your favorite moments below so we can all lawl together.

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