Tag Archives: The Royal Family

JUice

Weekly JUice

Week of 11/16/2020

1. Just Gonna Keep Cruising.

I know I write about Taylor Swift basically every week but she just happens to always have hot goss and I’m obviously her biggest fan so sue me. I was just gossiping with my friend who is Anti-Tay and thinks she plays the victim because exactly one year ago was the whole scooter Braun mess where he stole her life’s work and internet bullied her. And here we are, a year later, the feud still going strong. This week Taylor posted the above update and open letter because Scoot Scoot just can’t seem to quit. Quick summary for all y’all who doooonnntt caaaare: Taylor signed a contract back at the beginning of her career, then she left the label early and therefore breached the contract and they owned her shit. Then Scooter bought it and Taylor was like over my dead bod will this b-hole own all my success and profit off of it. Cut to this year, apparently Taylor offered to buy her stuff back and Scooter wouldn’t even give her a price until she signed an NDA to never talk shit about him (RED FLAG) and then she found out that he sold it to some other company instead but told them they weren’t allowed to talk to Taylor if they wanted to buy it. And he still holds shares to profit off of it. So basically Scooter is a shady MF’er with a stupid ass name. I can argue that all of this is idiotic. Taylor is worth zillions and whatever she releases people will listen to. Will she make her old stuff irrelevant by re-recording it? No obviously not, but it’s the only thing she has control over to stick it to Scootsicles. On the flip, Scooter is obviously a dick. Putting clauses in all these contracts to shut everyone up? You know you’re being sketchy if you’re demanding NDA’s. It takes a special breed of troutsniffer to F with a megastar like Tay and pretend he’d even consider selling her own work back to her when you knew he was never going to. Anyway, hopefully this is the last time we hear about this because it’s so last year. The best snippet to come out of this saga is that not only will we have new/old Taylor real soon, but she also revealed that there’s a 10 minute version of All Too Well with F bombs from the day she wrote it. COUNT ME IN. If I could perform for ten minutes instead of three, I could finally start charging for my car singing performances. SO STOP WITH THE LETTERS AND GIVE IT HERE, TAY.

2. Friends in Rich Places.

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George Clooney did press this week for whatever reason and shared the story that when he first got together with Amal, he decided to gift 14 of his closest friends each 1 million dollars in cold hard cash. He figured they were all in his will anyway, and why wait until he’s dead to thank them for all they’ve done for him over the years. And he literally had to pull off a movie heist just to be the most generous guy on this earth. He had to find a place that would have that amount of cash available, which honestly I respect the dedication to getting cash here. Could he have venmo’ed them or written a check? Probably. But nothing slaps quite as hard as a stack of cash. Plus there’s the dramatics of it. Handing over a bag of cash like you just robbed a bank is a BFF memory that will last longer than that cool mill will. Anyway, he rented a van that said florist on it, told his assistant and his security guard and went into an underground facility to load up the van with 14 bags of cheddar. Then he got all his friends together and handed them over. So basically now that this story is out in the open, it will 100% be made into a movie because that’s how Hollywood works. But also… I’m a good friend, anyone wanna give me a million dollars before they croak? Just tossing it out there. LMK. And the real lesson here: if you have 14 million dollars to spare…don’t be a schmuck and share the wealth.

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3. A Royal Painting.

Queen Elizabeth and Prince Philip Duke Of Edinburgh 73rd Wedding Anniversary Official Portrait, Windsor, UK - 17 Nov 2020

These two skeletons have been married for 73 years. SEVENTY THREE. It’s like the end of the Titanic. But real life the Queen of England. But also, is it real life? Because this official portrait was the airbrushing job of the century. Remember when Philip was photographed a couple of months ago and he literally looked like the walking dead? Let me remind you.

Are we sure ole buhhole eyes didn’t actually croak and this is a nice cartoon caricature to keep the people happy? Cause this is Facetune for olds. Real exaggerated. No wonder they only release pics for special occasions. They have to prop up their sack of bones for “the royal portrait” and that’s probably a whole lotta work. Congrats on being married for 900 years but also gonna need a confirmation that you are still among the living. A video should do the trick.

4. Demi Did An Unfortunate Thing.

I saw the post that Demi “did a thing” and I was like oh no. Don’t do it, girl. There should absolutely be a moratorium on post heartbreak hair changes.

Credit to my friend Kat for giving her the benefit of the doubt and saying she’d need to see the front. But when you buzz the sides and leave the top long, there’s only one direction that heads in and that is Jon + Kate plus 8. Nope. Thankfully as soon as Kat saw the front shot she declared that she hated it. Can’t support our girl on this one. Lucky for rich people, they can ruin their entire head with a rash 2007 reality TV inspired ‘do and the next day will have a wig or weave in and a completely different color. Fingers crossed she comes to her senses.

5. Anotha One.

73rd Annual Golden Globe Awards - Arrivals

Legit forgot these two were even together so can’t say I’m heartbroken by this split. I was genuinely shocked that they never got married but I guess that’s a good thing, don’t have to tackle the big D with a couple of kids. What really grabbed me is that People.com posted a slew of paparazzi beach pics of them when they announced the split and the headline was “had a happy beach outing 2 months before their split” and I felt triggered by this headline. I’m not going through this split and I was like:

bridesmaids kidding me


Two people are in sucksville going through a breakup with young kids and People is like but they were happy two months ago! What went wrong?! God being famous during a split must bloooooow. WHO LOOKS MISERABLE AT THE BEACH?! I rest my case.

BONUS PT. 1:

If I’m gonna send around pics of Chris Evans’ willis and doodle berries upon request, I can also feature his face when it’s being snuggled by an adorable pup. Apparently this is Aly Raisman’s dog and they had a puppy play date AKA they’re boning but honestly who wouldn’t do this babe soda?! He’s hot, wears the hell out of a cream cable knit sweater, he’s got a knob carved from marble AND he’s a dog guy. Lock it up, Aly.

BONUS PT. 2:

@jackblack

Challenge accepted

♬ WAP（feat. Megan Thee Stallion） – Cardi B

Did anyone really ever expect this super disgusting song to become such an iconic movement? Nothing brought me more joy than TikTok right after the song was released with the dances and jokes about Covid tests and the dangly thing in the back of your throat. I’ll be candid and say I have considered a few crafts that feature the lyrics because nothing has more wholesome shock value than a needlepoint of “I want you to park that Big Mac truck up in this little garage” Anyway, Jack Black coming through with the delayed WAP dance was exactly what we all needed right now. It’s like fat guy in a little coat except it’s fat guy gyrating on the floor. Well done, sir. More of this plz. Not as quality as a dramatic TikTok that’s so hot it stops power, but a close second.

@thesaltyju

Blew a fuse in my apt trying to get the “storm” effect. So this @celinedion duet better be appreciated. #celinedionchallenge #allcomingbacktomenow

♬ original sound – The Salty Ju

TRIPLE BONUS! And lastly…I’m not going to give People the satisfaction of a whole post because I’ve given their Sexiest Man Alive free outrage every year since I started this blog because it makes me laugh my face off that they’re like THE WAIT IS OVER when they announce. Stop acting like this calculated honor based completely on PR is the biggest announcement of the year. But…

I approve. He’s sexy.

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JUice, Uncategorized

Weekly JUice

Week of 10/15/18

1. Another reason to talk about Meghan and Harry.

markle

As if you ever need a reason…but obviously first comes love, then comes giant televised royal wedding, then comes BAYBAY!!! Pretty high hopes for this nugget to be a stunnah but that’s also because Kate and Wills kids are so adorbs. Kinda sets the bar high. Either way, the announcement was made and now the royal coups is in Australia and we won’t stop breathing down their necks with stupid articles about how Meghan is feeling, how much Harry loves her and wants a baby, what they wore and ate for breakfast every day, etc. Royal fever will literally never die. I MEAN DID YOU SEE THAT DOUBLE HANDHOLD? GOALSonGoalsonGOALS according to every news site in our country that reported it like it was bigger news than their pregnancy. It’s embarrassing how much we drool over these two. Wipe it up, America. (Coming from a girl who has a saliva problem herself, I’m not judging, I’m being a friend.)

The Duke And Duchess Of Sussex Visit Australia - Day 3bondibeach

2. That’s a lot of tattoos to erase.

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In shocking news to literally no one, Ariana Grande and Pete Davidson have broken up after getting engaged five minutes into their relashe (126 days together but who’s counting). I’m not going to pussyfoot around this…if you both rebound REAL hard and then one of the exes dies from an overdose, that will probably throw a wrench into the mix of your already v. fragile partnership. Since I reported when they got engaged along with a slew of other “let’s just get married real quick because we are celebrities and why not” jabronis, it felt necessary to report when the first one ended. Keeping an eye on you, Biebz and Nick Jonas…

piggysmallz

Anyway, they made a statement, Pete cancelled a standup, Ariana went social media black. I mourned the loss of the term butthole eyes. (I’m still gonna use it, tbh) Ariana got custody of their pet, Piggy Smallz and you know, all of the shit she paid for because she makes 10x what Pete does. And now we have to watch them slowly cover up/eliminate the 1 million tattoos all over their bodies for each other. WooooOoooo Buddy. No seriously, peep below. Just on their hands alone they have like 3 matching tattoos. You know how people say tattoos are forever so think about what you’re doing? Lolololol let’s cover our bodies in each other’s names and phrases. FTR, Pete also did this with his ex girlfriend and had to glaze on over those as well. He’s no rook to the breakup & immediately eliminate body art game. Extra funny slash sad that he tattooed the pig on him and she took it. Maybe consider part time custody for the little oinker?!

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3. I love this wedding dress.

Karlie-Kloss-Dior-Wedding-Dress

Karlie Kloss got hitched (and Taylor wasn’t there…a detail that apparently needed to be pointed out. SHE’S ON A WORLD TOUR, GUYS.) Either way, YES MA’AM to this dress!!! I’m lovin it a whole lot. That’s all. See! I can be nice sometimes!

Karlie Kloss Josh Kushner wedding (from rep) Credit: BFA

4. My childhood crushes need to stop getting arrested.

WHAT is it with classic 90’s child stars getting arrested for assault? Like 90% of the Sandlot cast got arrested, including my heart Benny the Jet Rodriguez and now we’ve got Jesse former bad boy whose life was turned around by Annie, Glen and his BFF killer whale Willy getting pinched for a domestic with his girlfriend. Allegedly he accused her of cheating on him with her coworker, busted the door down kool-aid man style and grabbed her. YOIKES Jess. Not a good look. That shit will get you sent right back to Wade and the other orphans every time. Where’s Willy when you need him? Oh that’s right, he’s dead because Seaworld killed him. THE HITS KEEP ON COMING. Smash play on Michael Jackson and let his soulful nonsense wash all of this away. If JTT gets arrested next I will LOSE MY SHIT.

5. Eminem performed in the clouds.

Jimmy Kimmel’s in NYC this week and I guess he really wanted to make a splash so he had Eminem make a Venom music video in the Empire State Building. I’ve always been a music video fan and it’s pretty cool how he filmed it there and the way that it was shot but what’s absolutely terrifying is that he’s at the tippy top just rapping like it ain’t no thang. I went to the Empire State Building when I was like 11, so you could say I’m pretty worldly. The elevator ride alone was terrifying seeing how high you were going up and then when I got up there I had about enough courage to get a picture taken with my tiny sunglasses on for my spring break photo album and then it was curtains. Can’t imagine actually MOVING AROUND UP THERE. What a badass you are, Em. Also lol to the fact that no one knew what was going on and just kept taking videos from street level of the empire state building with flashing neon lights. Bet they got some real quality shots of Em-Nasty doin his thang.

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JUice

Weekly JUice

Week of 11/27/17

1. Every American Girl’s Dream Came True.

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ring

Remember when I announced that Meghan Markle and Prince Harry were dating and that everyone was taking a royal dump on it because she’s American and also half black? WELL GUESS WHAT, NOW SHE’S GONNA BE A ROYAL. I’m down with it. I was never against it. Was it a little sooner than I was expecting? Sure. But have you seen her stems? I don’t blame Harry one bit for locking that shit down.

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It’s funny that America always had this obsession with party boy Harry and who would tame him. I mean there was a literal trash ass reality show where they led Americans to believe they were dating Prince Harry just because they put an orangehead in a suit and had him take the girls on fancy dates. At the time I was like joke’s on all of you, Harry will never settle for a trailer-livin, reality show appearin, AMERICAN. Joke was on me, apparently. American is what he settled for. She’s living out every girl’s princess dreams and I applaud the hell out of her. Gear up for non-stop Heghan fever. (We’ll work on that.) We’ll follow them to every public appearance, analyze their hand holding, have apps to virtually try on her ring, all leading up to the royal wedding that will be bigger than all the awards shows combined. I CANNOT WAIIIIIIITTTTT.

 

2. PERFECT.

 Ed’s baller enough to call up ‘Yonce and be like wanna sing this beautiful song I’ve already released with me? And she’s like YUP. It’s even better now. I didn’t think it was possible but the magic of their two voices combining is like Fergie and Jesus. What a duet.

3. I’m still a Demi superfan.

I just wanted to remind everyone that I still think Demi is QUEEN and I’m loving everything that she’s doing lately. I already ship a good music video real hard but this one was especially gripping. WHAT A ROLLERCOASTER OF EMOTIONS. First thought, Jesse ❤ What a good pick…smokeshow city. Second thought, they look so beautiful together and they clearly have a good sex life. Then WHABOOM, I see we’ve taken a turn for the “this is gonna be forever or it’s gonna go down in flames” territory. One thing’s for certain though and that is mah gurl Demi looks flawle$$ on her fake wedding day. Could’ve done with less of the shitty acting, tbh. But it all played into the drama and I get it. Song also bangs, so that doesn’t hurt either.

4. Jersey Shore Rides Again.

Never thought that in 2018 we would still be watching self-proclaimed guidos dick around on vacation but then again what can we predict in Hollywood anymore? These washed up trash monsters are mostly settled down now…Snooki and JWoww are parents (yikes) which apparently means it’s time to get the gang back together. JShore when it first debuted was MAGIC. Angelina getting called a dirty little hamster by Pauly D was one of my favorite moments in TV history. Then by season 4 when they’re pulling in Snooki’s friends (from Poughkeepsie, NY) as part of the show it was like eh ok. That’s enough. Probably the only thing that entices me to tune in is that Sammi Sweetheart won’t be there to sob and scream RAWN, HOW DARE YOU?! over and over and over again. Count me in.

5. VS Show = Garbage.

ming xi

As you all know, every year I recap the VS Fashion show so that we can laugh at the fluff material they film with dumbass underwear models to fill that hour timeslot on CBS and also summarize which singer interacted with the models most awkwardly. Well you know what? This year was THE WORST. Not only did I get false confirmation that Taylor Swift would be performing, but instead of Tay they had Miguel and a jazz singer. MIGUEL. IN 2017. The last time we heard of Miguel it was because he had committed a murder right in front of our very eyes.

What a joke of entertainment selection. I couldn’t even get excited for Harry. Honestly. The only thing I will post about the show is the model who cockily flashed the dubz peace sign then proceeded to fly through the air and fall flat on her face. Most brutal thing I’ve ever seen is that they didn’t edit her fall out OR THE SOBBING that occurred afterward backstage. What a commitment to ruining this girls’ career and completely embarrassing her. Feel free to watch it back here.

 

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JUice

Weekly JUice

Week of 9/4/17

1. Taylor Swift Has Sex.

As if I wasn’t overwhelmed enough with angsty Tay, she goes right ahead and sneaks out another new song over the long weekend. I actually saw/listened to it on her instagram story and was like oh this is some weird sponsorship song that she wrote for a football game. Since football is literally my least favorite thing on this planet, I wrote it off until I went onto Twitter and everyone was like omggggg Tay’s new song #ORGASM and I felt real dumb for thinking it was just a marketing ploy. Hey Taylor, next time you’re going to release a song about sex and stuff, don’t promote it with Game Day clips and confuse the hell out of me. I mean “Touch me, and you’ll never be alone” WOooooOOOO, girl. We get it. You like sex stuff. Whatever. I’m ready for it. And to be clear, the “it” I’m referring to is playing this song just as much as LWYMMD…not sex.

2. Older Peter is the New Bach.

arie

The Bachelor Franchise is sinking fast and they KNOW it. They just aired quite possibly two of the worst seasons ever in history B2B and used a 100% scripted rape storyline for ratings on their trashy summer show. What do you do when you’re in hot water? Apparently pick a contestant from 15 years ago (Arie Luyendyk Jr.) who no one even remembers to try and get back in everyone’s good graces. Everyone with a vagina wanted Peter to be the next Bachelor but he had to go and piss us all off by looking like he was trying WAY TOO HARD to be the next Bachelor and also kind of being a dick to Rachel post-breakup. So what does Mike Fleiss the shouting Twitter-monster do? (I gotcha back, Kaitlyn. Mike Fleiss SUCKS.)  He throws shade at Peter then picks someone who looks like a Z-List Peter. People don’t forget that you suck, bro. And yes I’ll probably still watch. Because FOMO.

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#tbt to the most incredible journey of this life time that has now officially come to an end today. As I sit here writing this, I struggle to hold back the tears as I am overcome with emotion one last time. First and foremost.. Rachel, there are so very many things that I've wished I could say to you since the day we parted ways in Spain, but for everyone's sake, I'll keep it short… You gave me a chance and all that I can say is thank you. I have a heart filled with love for you now and always and wish you nothing but the best in your life and love ahead. ABC, you saw something in me, but something held me back. You treated me with such love and kindness and showed me glimpses of a life I never once dreamed that I could have. I will be forever humbled and grateful and will always look back at these last 6 months with an ear to ear smile, knowing that this has truly been a very special life indeed. Upon leaving the @bacheloretteabc I was asked, "what did you learn about yourself during this process?" And at the time I naively said "nothing that I can think of." Now… looking back… I realize I learned one of the single greatest teachings of my life; When you let uncertainty or fear guide your decisions, you risk missing out on what could potentially be the greatest opportunity of a life time. So live dangerously, live without the fear of the unknown, and continue to live and love with a heart that is truly open to anything. #thankyou #lovealways

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We’ll all miss you Peter.

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3. Kelly Clarkson is Back.

Well this is a fun little ditty! Taylor goes all bad girl and Kelly goes all hip hop sass. This video made me feel like I was on all sorts of drugs but you know what? I didn’t hate it. She also dropped this slow jam. It’s whatever. Love so soft is the real heater here.

4. Third Royal Babe.

This happened over the weekend so it’s not fresh news but I got scooped and then I scooped someone else (it’s the circle of life) and I realized just now that I never got to properly JUice about it. But anyway another model baby on the way for this perfect fam. I mean they’ve already got two PLUS they’re royal so the third one is really just bragging at this point. We get it. You make beautiful humans. Enough, enough…. just kidding. Get ready for number 3 by looking at these cute little mugs.

Recent but undated handout photo issued on Friday July 22, 2016 by William and Kate, the Duke and Duchess of Cambridge, of Britain’s Prince George with the family dog Lupo, at Sandringham in Norfolk, England. Prince George celebrates his third birthday on July 22, 2016. (Matt Porteous/Handout via AP)

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2016 Royal Tour To Canada Of The Duke And Duchess Of Cambridge - Victoria

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5. It’s Happening.

Promos are making the rounds as we get closer and closer to the comeback of Will & Grace. Instead of watching marathons all day on We (seriously does that network play anything other than a 24/7 rotation of this show?) we’ll get new epis every week! If this comeback lets me down–as they all tend to do–ya’ll are gonna HEAR about it. FINGERS CROSSED!!!!!!

 

BONUS: Who knew Kylie Jenner and I had anything in common?!

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Uncategorized

Weekly JUice

Week of 9/26/16

1. Prepare Yourselves.

It’s official now, Lady G is halftiming the Super Bowl, so get ready for all of the outrageousness. I thought that she had toned down, she wasn’t really releasing music, she was trying acting on for size, she kept hanging out with Tony Bennett and was going to marry that hunk Taylor Kinney (I’m momentarily blacking out when they had paint sex for “art”). But now that she’s single and releasing new music, there’s really no telling what will go down at this show. It is guaranteed that there will be obnoxious outfits and gimmicks. Gr8 for twitter, not suh gr8 for my eyes.

2. WOOF. The band breaks up, you chop your ratty locks off (a trim would’ve done just fine) and suddenly you’re an actor now but HOW DOES ANY OF THAT EXPLAIN THIS?

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No but f’reals, Harry. Clean it up. This isn’t you. This also serves as a PSA to old people like me, that if you were to just glance at the comments on these instas, you’ll find that 90% of the teen females are commenting “Daddy” or “Father”. Since I recently learned this for myself and had to choke back vomit, I think it’s time that I relay it to the crowd, as it is further proof that youths today are the WORST. Apparently, young ladies are now calling their favorite stars what one might call their dad. And it’s LIT. JK, it’s gross. But they think it’s cool and since teens are the future of this world, pls put us out of our misery. Go ahead and make each other famous for wearing vans on snap chat all you want, but cut the shit with the daddy issues. Your celeb crushes are not going to date you because you compare them to dear ole dad. (Also because you still live with your parents and probz have a curfew womp womppp) It’s creepy and weird and I wish I could unhear/unsee it. BE BETTER, TEENS.

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3. BRING IT BACK. 

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I anticipated just posting about a Will & Grace reunion photo until they dropped a new scene Monday night right before the debate and I peed my pants a little in excitement. Even though they were trying to be timely and political, it mostly just made me miss Karen, that squeaky-voiced rich, racist asshole. And damn it she looks great. They all do. I smell a comeback so get to steppin, TV people! Vote for Will & Grace.

4. I’m totally moving to Canada. So I can hang with the most adorbs fam on this earth. Royals are in Canada and therefore I’m on baby picture overload. But with these nuggets I don’t mind. Check out little George in his baby knickers PS I get that it’s English tradition to dress this way but George would earn a little more street cred if his parents stopped putting him in booty shorts with his socks pulled up to his hips. Jus sayin. He’s doing his best to pull it off though. And obviously Charlotte’s chunk face steals the show. What I would give to have my parents grab each of my hands and give me a 1,2,3 jump where they essentially used their upper arm strength to fling me through the air so I didn’t have to walk places. Ah, the simple life.

VICTORIA, BC – SEPTEMBER 29: Catherine, Duchess of Cambridge, Princess Charlotte of Cambridge, Prince George of Cambridge and Prince William, Duke of Cambridge arrive for a children’s party for Military families during the Royal Tour of Canada on September 29, 2016 in Carcross, Canada. Prince William, Duke of Cambridge, Catherine, Duchess of Cambridge, Prince George and Princess Charlotte are visiting Canada as part of an eight day visit to the country taking in areas such as Bella Bella, Whitehorse and Kelowna (Photo by Chris Jackson – Pool/Getty Images)
VICTORIA, BC – SEPTEMBER 29: Princess Charlotte of Cambridge plays with a dog named Moose at a children’s party for Military families during the Royal Tour of Canada on September 29, 2016 in Carcross, Canada. Prince William, Duke of Cambridge, Catherine, Duchess of Cambridge, Prince George and Princess Charlotte are visiting Canada as part of an eight day visit to the country taking in areas such as Bella Bella, Whitehorse and Kelowna (Photo by Chris Jackson – Pool/Getty Images)
VICTORIA, BC – SEPTEMBER 29: Catherine, Duchess of Cambridge holding Princess Charlotte of Cambridge and Prince George of Cambridge, being held by Prince William, Duke of Cambridge at a children’s party for Military families during the Royal Tour of Canada on September 29, 2016 in Carcross, Canada. Prince William, Duke of Cambridge, Catherine, Duchess of Cambridge, Prince George and Princess Charlotte are visiting Canada as part of an eight day visit to the country taking in areas such as Bella Bella, Whitehorse and Kelowna (Photo by Chris Jackson – Pool/Getty Images)

5. WTF happened? 

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This isn’t me body shaming. This is me being legitimately terrified by the pictures that surfaced from MK&A’s “carefree” French vacay for some rich persons’ wedding. I think the only thing that I can give her a fist bump for is her fresh tan, considering I feel like the last time these two saw sunlight was in their 2001 beach CLASSIC “Holiday in the Sun”. Other than that, yikeronis. There are no words for the transformation that these two have completed into ghouls.

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Bonus: We have a problem. 

And that problem is I think I have an unruly crush on wittle baby Shawn Mendes. Him and James have a very scripted “riff-off”, which turns into essentially eight minutes of me wondering if Shawn Mendes is old enough to swoon over. Even when he’s dissing James, he’s still polite. What a gent. Also, 90’s music is a kajillion times better than today’s music and that’s fact. But it’s cute that Shawn tried. And I just want to tussle his soft, swoopy hair. So sue me. (Pls don’t.)

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JUice

Weekly JUice

Week of 7/18/16

1. Pippa’s in the news again, not for dat ass. Pippa Middleton, known for having a killer a$$ at the Royal Wedding, is engaged. Her ring is kewl I guess (not as kewl as Kate’s for obvious reasons), but what I’d really like to chitchat about is the discovery I made this week via her engagement announcement.

London Celebrity Sightings - July 21, 2016

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Her fiance is James Matthews, who is basically just a rich businessman–but what I discovered is that James’ brother is Spencer Matthews. I went down a rabbit hole of British reality TV winter break during my last year of college..mostly because Bravo played a full week marathon but regardless I got far too attached to the show Made in Chelsea, which can be summed up as the British version of The Hills. So you can see why I was hooked. Juicy, trashy TV with sexy men who make everything sound classy just because of their accent. SOLD. Anyway, what I’m getting at in this very descriptive back story is that Spencer was essentially the more badass Brody if we’re continuing with The Hills comparison. He was sexy but he had a lot of bad boy to him and played two chicks REAL hard. His main love triangle included Caggie who essentially was the LC of Made in Chelsea–in that she was way too good for that trash and eventually “moved away” aka realized that appearing on MIC was probably ruining her career.

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I shipped Spencer and Caggie real hard until I realized how scripted everything was and that they pretty much never dated IRL. The show went downhill real fast after Cagz left. Either way…SPENCER IS 1 BAZILLION TIMES HOTTER THAN JAMES. WTF, Pippa?! I mean, I’m guessing she doesn’t want to stoop to a reality star who may or may not have a coke/sex addiction’s level but James seems like a real snooze to be engaged to.

LONDON, UNITED KINGDOM – OCTOBER 02: Spencer Matthews attends the Kids in Chelsea fundraiser at St Luke’s Church on October 2, 2013 in London, England. (Photo by Eamonn McCormack/Getty Images)

And that’s my forced two cents on that. Also fun fact: when the show was clearly struggling they brought the She-Pratt into play as a whole cross-country storyline. That’s when you know a show is failing…when your last ditch effort is to hire Spencer Pratt’s sister to join the cast. YIKES.

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1a. I JUST WANNA SMUSH HIS FACE. Keeping on the topic of America’s obsession with all things royal fam. Prince George turns 3 today and is still the cutest little chap on this earth. Seriously check out that mug in his annual birthday photoshoot. What a lady killer he’s gonna be. (Also well on his way to be poster boy for Vineyard Vines with that whale accent and jazzy pocket tee) I’m more excited for Pippa’s nuptials for the purpose of seeing more adorbs pics of the royal kiddies. PS Tossing the pup into the photoshoot was thought of JUST to explode every female’s ovaries, right?

Recent but undated handout photo issued on Friday July 22, 2016 by William and Kate, the Duke and Duchess of Cambridge, of Britain’s Prince George with the family dog Lupo, at Sandringham in Norfolk, England. Prince George celebrates his third birthday on July 22, 2016. (Matt Porteous/Handout via AP)

2. Another 1D’er going solo, how original. 

Yeah, yeah, yeah tell your story walkin, pal. It’s not news once the band has already broken up and Harry Styles is shooting a movie that you’re going solo. Best of luck topping the sexual awakening of Zayn and color me unimpressed for now. Not for nothing, but I feel like I majorly overlooked the fact that Liam is high up there in the hotness rankings of 1D. I mean he’s obviously hotter than Louie but seeing his Twitter avi really bumped him up a few notches for me. He might be stealing the #2 spot from Zayn. Harry is first for sex appeal reasons. I can’t explain it, I just feel it. We’ll see how Liam does solo first before I can declare that furreal.

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3. This week’s celeb splits–not the gymnastics kind. I’m very depressed to report that Joshua Jackson and Diane Kruger have ended their relationship. My heart breaks for the Pacey-obsessed tween that still lives inside of me. They were together forever in Hollywood years and always killed it on red carpets. Fashion forward AF. They also weren’t obnoxious and in everyone’s faces about their love–which I truly appreciate. Pour some out for the loss of a gr8 couple this weekend, guys.

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I’m not as depressed to report that Lady GaGa and Taylor Kinney have separated for the time being. Long distance is hard on them and Gagz has asked that we all root for them to get back together in the end. Look, I can only root for one celeb rekindling per week and if I had to choose I’m going with Diane and Joshua. Tough luck, guys you should’ve picked another week to announce your breakup. Plus I was out on you two the minute that you had sex for art and made us look at pics of you covered in paint and boning. Think about that next time you ask for my T’s & P’s.

4. I’d like to see someone wear this as an adult. 

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Lisa Frank decided to make a large comeback this week by announcing a new clothing line. Did I love the SHIT out of my LF pencil boxes, folders and lunchbox? Hell to the yeah. Would I ever want to wear a sweatshirt with pastel-colored animals on it as an adult? Hard no. It’ll be interesting to see who actually buys into this. My guess is that Katy Perry will be rocking this ensemble with pink hair knockers in her pigtails at her next big appearance. (Those pink dolphins straight KILLED it back in the day though.)

5. Need more Missy in my life. As an avid fan of this James Corden bit, I’m big enough to admit when one sucks. And sorry, but Michelle Obama isn’t that interesting. I get she’s doing it to plug her charities and girl power projects but other than that this was a real snooze. It made the cut this week ONLY because Missy makes a cameo for Work It–a complete banger–and I seriously need her to get back on a regular schedule of fame. She teased us with the Super Bowl cameo in 2015 and then disappeared again. I need more than her and a puppet dancing to Pep Rally in a commercial for a Siri-knockoff. Her pointing to everyone else in the car to sing her song and flipping that weave in the backseat gave me life. Especially when James F’ed up every word and she just gave him a look like, yeah I do that too. So basically, just watch 11:20-13:38 for mah gurl Missy. Because realistically she should have her own Carpool Karaoke.

BONUS: Alex Pettyfer gave us a reason to forget that he’s a known Hollywood asshole. MORE, MORE, MORE!!

https://www.instagram.com/p/BH2aNGQh89X/

So there’s a little throwback lady boner for all to take you into a lovely weekend.

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JUice

Weekly JUice

Week of 7/6/15

1. The Royal Family is adorbs city. We’ve got some new pics from little nugget Charlotte’s christening and I’m not kidding when I say that these two kids are the cutest little smushes that side of the pond. Frame this, screenshot it, whatever…it’s the rarest of things to ever see me talk about a child, let alone admit that it’s cute. I stand by this statement though.

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2. J.Law goes all Cher. Zany Jennifer Lawrence everybody’s goofy celeb favorite is back in the press for promoting the final(?) Hunger Games and she’s obviously acting like a real goober. Here’s her busting out into a little Cher with her HAWT BFFs/Costars on Conan.

3. Harry Styles fell onstage. I’m putting this in the mix because falling, much like farting, WILL ALWAYS BE FUNNY. Call me immature (I obviously am) but a good tumble will always put a smile on my face. So much so, in fact, that I had a SUUUUPER embarrassing fall up the steps coming from the train this past winter while wearing a skirt and tights and uggs (Uggs are the silent killer…seriously they should put a warning on those bad boys that they’re trip hazard city when you buy them) anyway back to my cringeworthy fall, I tripped over my Uggs on one step then tried to catch myself and tripped again and basically ended up crawling up the rest of the steps because my legs were like we’ve forgotten how to function please pick up the slack here. There were probably one trillion witnesses behind me but I pulled it together and never looked back. However, every time I think of that fall I laugh out loud. So long story short, I feel you, Harry. The fall that leads to an even bigger fall is the real deal. Now let me make fun of you.

4. Kristin “STE-VHENNNN” Cavallari is having a girl. Kristin and Jay Cutler are on their third kid and this piece of juice is really just for my ‘Guna shippers because did we EVER predict that the black choker wearin’, “my car is DUNZO” shoutin’, Cabo pole dancin’ sloot from Laguna would be the organic obsessed mommy that she is today? Like this is completely a shock, right? Anyway, she’s cranking out a girl this time which I’m guessing she’s probably pretty excited for after two boys but also she’s going to have 3 kids under the age of 4 and that sounds like a NIGHTMARE. Congrats, though girlfraaan.

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5. Fox casts Danny Zuko for Grease LIVE! 

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Julianne Hough has already been cast for Sandy and now they’ve announced our Danny will be Aaron Tveit and I’m honestly not quite so sure how I feel about it. John Travolta was a real hunk as Danny Zuko…like probably my first crush, which is super mortifying to admit now that he’s got scary face but he could get it when he was in that leather jacket. I’ll need some convincing with this guy and also I will probably never ever watch this program because musicals suck unless they include Zac Efron singing about whether he should choose basketball or acting. Life is so hard, especially when you have to break into song randomly.

BONUS: Because I love Amy Schumer a whole lot and can’t wait to see Trainwreck…Here’s John Hamm pretending to be Bill Hader and the two of them just acting like a couple of assholes in an interview.

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