Tag Archives: Mario Lopez

JUice

Weekly JUice

Week of 1/11/2021

1. I Couldn’t Help But Wonder…

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…If Sex and the City would keep coming back until they’re all in their graves. It was announced this week that Sex and the City is making a comeback to HBO and honestly the timing could not have been more perfect. I had just finished re-watching the whole series right at the same time. Big showed up and rescued Carrie from the garbage Russian and just like that this video hits social media.

First thing’s first, let’s address the drama in the room. Kim Cattrall AKA Samantha is OUT. After years of dumping on all the other girls, claiming they bullied her, claiming she never wanted to do the movies to begin with, rumors swirling that she only did them if the production company promised to move forward with her solo projects as well….in summary Kim’s kind of an a-hole and had been holding up the process. So they kicked her to the curb. And as the most inappropriate part of the foursome, can we really call it SEX and the City without Samantha? I gotta be honest, I’ve always seen re-runs of SATC on E! and had never seen the original unedited episodes until these past few months when I finally got HBO and decided to start from the top. OH BABY did this show make me blush. I had no idea what I was missing with all the editing. It’s a completely different show and Samantha is basically a soft-core porn star in it. It was definitely risque for the time period and let’s just quickly recall that by the end of the series, the characters were in their late 30’s and early to mid forties (I don’t know if we ever pinned down Samantha’s age.) Which brings me to my point about this revival. I think it’s time to call it quits. It was time to call it quits in the the second movie when a 50-60 year old woman was kicked out of Abu Dhabi for giving a blowie on the beach. I’m a fan of the show, the first movie was phenomenal because we got our Carrie wedding (and also epic wedding fail) but the second movie was trash and that’s typically when you let things go to die. This revival is a show or maybe short series I’m guessing because every streaming service needs a hot new thing to get people to sign up and empty their pockets but WHY. We’re missing 1/4 of the gal pals, they’re now older than dirt and we’re supposed to still want to hear them talk about sex? What is this Golden Girls After Dark? No thanks. I’m not sure how this appeals to the core audience of SATC other than to pull the nostalgia factor like EVERY OTHER UNWANTED REUNION ON THIS PLANET. I’m still going to watch it obviously but I will be VERY UNCOMFY with it. I mean…come on….

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2. 100% A Cannibal.

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While we’re on the topic of sex, maybe Carrie and the girls can incorporate this hot topic in the reboot. Armie Hammer, actor and smoldering babe soda has recently created a wee bit of a riff in the interwebs for some DM’s of his that have been released. This is where things might get a little weird on The Salty Ju. Although I sat around a table at Wegmans when the Fappening occurred and passed celeb nudes around with my family members and I’ve covered a few of those nudes on here and become the go-to person my friends text for the uncensored version (proud of that one), I’ve never taken a face first dive into kinky DM’s. So this will be a first. Congrats to you all for being witness. So apparently there’s been some hints before to Armie being a real freak in the sheets. He’s recently divorced with two kids so I guess he’s full blown getting after it and one of his lady friends released these DM’s which according to many sources are legit:

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I’ve got real mixed feelings here. You know when he says “that just made me so hard and it makes me confused as to why”? That’s what “thinking of holding your heart in my hand and controlling when it beats” did to me. Is it weird? YUP. But would you not even BAT an EYELASH at this in a red hot read or a sexy Netflix movie? YUP TIMES A THOUSAND. CHICKS EAT THIS SHIT UP. There’s a reason 50 Shades of Grey was a freaking phenomenon. Hot and bothered women everywhere just want to be freed and get freaky with a hot guy. If it came out that Dustin Diamond was sending these DM’s to someone everyone would be like lock him TF up, but a Winkelvoss Twin? Now you’ve got a bunch of horned up and confused ladies. Do we like cannibals now? Is this a thing? The answer of course is no because cutting the heart out of living animal and eating it while it’s still warm is pre-crime shit and that’s when we come back down to earth and say mmm better not. Armie had us going for a moment there, though. I briefly considered what it would be like for his strong hands to control my heartbeat. Armie did not immediately respond to the whirlwind of DM’s that were sneaking out but unfortunately had to make a statement once the movie he was about to film cut him from the roster. Apparently JLo’s latest flick was NOT down with the cannibalism (what a bunch of prudes) and he was released and said the following:

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So I guess he just has more time on his hands to eat people and shit. #Don’tKinkShame

3. Sorry, Buuuuuuuuuuddy.

It’s unfortunate that I used the previous example of Dustin Diamond and then 8 hours after I wrote it, Screech’s team declares that he has cancer and is going through chemotherapy. Sorry I used you as an example of someone no one would ever want to have sex with, D Squared. Hope you can forgive me. Tough break to have cancer but on top of that Dustin also has shingles so he’s really been smited by disease. As another child star who went WAY off the rails, it sucks that he’s going through this but also he’s the type of guy that was CONSTANTLY trying to get headlines ever since the SBTB days so it’s kind of hard to feel like this is coming from a genuine place. He was the ONLY one not included in the woke reboot on Peacock probably due to the fact that he forayed into porn and bashed every single actor he ever worked with on the show. That’s neither here nor there to stand-up gent Mario Lopez who already made a statement:

What a guy. Does this mean all is forgiven and Screech will find his way back to the reboot? Only time will tell. PS: I burst out laughing when I read this exchange in the replies. Apparently real fans know who has stayed in touch and why…credit to Joe for keeping us all in check.

4. This Goes Out…This Goes Out to all the One Tree Hill Fans.

Former OTH heartthrobs James Lafferty and Stephen Colletti (LOL to refer to him as an OTH star when we all know where he got his start) created this show like 5 years ago and have been yapping about it constantly and trying to get it crowd-source funded to even shoot the damn thing. It’s concerning as hell that male leads for a primetime TV show that was on the air for 9 seasons can’t afford to shoot a few episodes of TV, but whatever, rabid fans made their tv show happen and after FOR-EV-ER it finally got picked up by Hulu. Add this to your watch list this weekend if you ever bought a Duke sweatshirt after Nathan Scott committed to playing basketball there only to wear it with MUCH disappointment while watching the end of season 4 where Duke rescinded the offer because he was point shaving…oh…was that just me? Whatever. I support this show but not enough to have given my own hard-earned dollars to a bunch of MUCH wealthier than me actors to get it made. So I’m glad we can now view it for free. This is what happens when there’s not a lot to report each week, I just make new show rec’s for your weekend of winter binging. You’re welcome.

5. The Demi Doc We ALL Need.

The minute I saw this I texted it to my friend with just YUSSSSSSSSSSSS, which really sums up my feelings on the matter. This is what we’ve been waiting for. I blogged about her first YouTube doc and how I loved every minute of it and learned so much about Demi being a total badass in the Disney days and obviously it’s no secret that I’m obsessed with her and spend a fair amount of time on this blog pretending I’m her BFF who likes to give unsolicited advice about her dating life. Honestly I’m so rabid for gossip and behind the scene deets about her life that March seems WAY too far away to wait for this. To get right to the elephant in the room, she obviously addresses her near death overdose.

Love that she’s using her platform to open up about her struggles but also keeping my fingers crossed that she drags that ex-fiance fame whore a little bit as well. It’s all about balance and sometimes you don’t always need to take the high road, Demi. Would love to hear what she thinks about him staging a cryfest photoshoot at the beach where he proposed after they broke up. Will report back in March when I 100% have a solo watch party with my girl Demi.

BONUS: Even the Olsen Twins Zoom.

Apparently MK had to do zoom court for her divorce and having a screenshot of her divorce proceedings over Zoom was easily the funniest thing I saw this week. You know I love to giggle at any current Olsen twins appearance because it’s like conjuring up dark magic. Who would’ve thought the girls who wore matching colored bandannas and sunglasses would turn into grim reapers but shout out to MK for giving us a GENUINE smile. Things are looking up for her post-divorce it seems. Her black turtleneck says I’m mourning this marriage but her face says I’M FREEEEEE!

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JUice

Weekly JUice

Week of 10/26/2020

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1. This Turned Around.

After months of releasing short sneak peeks with the basically 1 day of footage in the can before Corona hit, the Saved by the Bell reboot must’ve finally been able to film enough for a full trailer. My sister and I (avid SBTB stans and judgmental AF) fired it up for a joint viewing and we were READY to barf all over their attempts at preserving a childhood classic. But then we…insert gasp here….LAUGHED and ENJOYED this trailer. From the sassy student questioning AC Slater’s once cool but incredibly impractical backwards chair sit right into a bunch of grown up high school friends reviving their band for a rousing rendition of “Friends Forver.” My sister and I were RIVETED. Well done, Peacock, you sure know how to swindle a couple of idiots into watching a show that probably won’t be good at all but WE’RE ALL IN. And not to be forgotten–Lark Voorhies AKA Lisa Turtle who if you might recall had a completely different face about 5 years ago and was suuuupes scary lookin’ has also confirmed her return via this official photo. She’s looking GREAT but unfortunately in the same article People.com pointed out that she was not originally included in the reboot and then went on Dr. Oz and wah-wah’ed about not being included and now here we are. She has a pity invite. It’s like Gilmore Girls cutting out Sookie all over again. Nothing more embarrassing than admitting publicly that you weren’t invited back (especially when you’re in the company of Dustin Diamond…yiiiikes) and then getting the late ask. Can’t wait to see how they rope her in from her fashion job in NYC for about five minutes.

2. Wait, what?

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@blakeshelton yes please! 💍🙏🏻 gx

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No joke I thought this happened roughly 3 years ago. I genuinely wondered if they had gotten married yet or if they were just going to stay engaged forever because they’ve both been divorced. So when I saw this news my first thought was AGAIN?! And then I realized they were never engaged and I just thought they were because they live inside each other’s BHOLES doing The Voice together and basically every song they release is a duet now about how much they love each other and living in the country and whatever. SO yeah, Congrats to the happy couple, your relationship has been shoved down our throats for so long that you managed to surprise me by JUST getting engaged. I assume we will all be a part of the ceremony as well. Also, I just read that the proposal was a surprise and for that I cannot be on board. If I thought you were already engaged and I’m in Syracuse, NY and I’ve never met you two, then MAYBE SOMEONE IN THE ACTUAL RELATIONSHIP MIGHT PREDICT A PROPOSAL IN THE FUTURE. Sorry. I got heated. I just think that’s dumb to be shocked by something that everyone else already thought happened. Ok bye.

3. Kim is 40 Now, But Still An A-Hole.

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40 and feeling so humbled and blessed. There is not a single day that I take for granted, especially during these times when we are all reminded of the things that truly matter. For my birthday this year, I couldn’t think of a better way to spend it than with some of the people who have helped shaped me into the woman I am today. Before COVID, I don’t think any of us truly appreciated what a simple luxury it was to be able to travel and be together with family and friends in a safe environment. After 2 weeks of multiple health screens and asking everyone to quarantine, I surprised my closest inner circle with a trip to a private island where we could pretend things were normal just for a brief moment in time. We danced, rode bikes, swam near whales, kayaked, watched a movie on the beach and so much more. I realize that for most people, this is something that is so far out of reach right now, so in moments like these, I am humbly reminded of how privileged my life is. #thisis40

A post shared by Kim Kardashian West (@kimkardashian) on

Kimmy K turned 40 and ruffled A LIIIIIIITTLE (ok A LOT) of feathers with the above self serving AF post. Could she have flown her “closest inner circle” (hundreds of people) to a private island and celebrated and kept that moment to herself without splashing it all over IG? Yeah, definitely considering no one knew they did it to begin with. But nope, ya girl Kim needed to share that news (and 900 full-glam photos) with the world…and not just any ole world, a world that is in flames as people have financial troubles and ravaging sickness. Nobody was pleased with this information. In fact, my favorite reply that I saw was “I’m really happy for you. My dad died and we couldn’t have a funeral.” BOOM. ZING. ZAP. Nothing gets more tone deaf than this post. I lied. It’s 10000000x more tone deaf to think you’re being self aware and acknowledge that it’s a hard time for everyone but you’re PRIVILEGED. Hey everyone, I know your life probably sucks right now but I’m privileged so I got to rent out an island and fly everyone out for my 40th birthday celebration. THIS IS 40! LOLOLOLOLOL. I thought we were done with Kardashian faux-pas for the week and then Kim’s like not yet, y’all!! She then shares this very personal birthday gift that she received from Kanye.

If you watched that without cringing your face off then I don’t want to know you as a human being. This is a hologram most likely created from home videos…and everything that Robert is saying was written by Kim’s husband. How do we know that? Oh because Robert tells Kim “You married the most most most most genius man in the whole world.” WHAT PLANET ARE WE ON?! I wanted to ask how Kim hears that and doesn’t wonder for a second why her husband just made a gift from her dead dad about HIMSELF and then I remembered that Kim was filming this to share on social media and you know what? Those two really are perfect for each other. Kimberly and Kanye 4eva. The most most most most self absorbed couple on this earth. (PS once KUWTK goes off the air, do we think this family will learn to have a private personal moment, or will the show continue through their social media platforms? Get back to me on that.)

4. Bye, Bitch.

Timing lined up nicely for The Vow to finish and Keith to be sentenced like a week later. If you didn’t read my Doc O’Clock blog, you missed out on me slobbering over The Vow–a docuseries about Nxivm, the cult that originated in the mecca that is Clifton Park, NY. Though I still recommend it as a must-watch, I do so less enthusiastically after the last half of the series DRAAAGGGEDD and then they tossed in a little cliffhanger of an interview in prison with Keith at the end to get viewers to tune into season 2. I will tune in, but I’ll be annoyed about it. They fell into the common doc trap of making something twice as long as it needs to be and repeating the same info over and over again. On the other hand, I feel like they did a great job of making me hate Keith Raniere and being in complete awe of the fact that this schlub who forces people to watch him play volleyball every night was revered by ANYONE. So I was ecstatic to hear that he got 120 years in prison this week. BYE BYE YA CREEPAZOID. Hope you find a lot of mouths to kiss in prison and they let you start up a prison volleyball league: sweatband mandatory. And not for nothing, but how could one single soul watch Keith preach to a group of men that all males are “hungry fucking beasties” about sex and not immediately believe he belongs in the slammer. The writing was on the wall with that one. GOOD RIDDANCE, VANGUARD.

5. Sad Face.

Since I posted Chrissy’s heartbreaking insta from losing Jack, I also want to post her blog that she put out there this week as her first time speaking about everything. Mostly because I razz on Chrissy A LOT for being annoying on social media, but what I’ve learned is that she’s actually a phenomenal writer and she’s had to go through this publicly and has managed to put all of these emotions and experiences into words to comfort other people who can’t. And that’s something I admire, because I may be a writer but I write outrageous things to try and get people to laugh, I don’t often go deep. I feel like that’s a pretty boss skill to have. So anyway, don’t read her blog unless you want to cry. I also LOVE that she put naysayers in their place by saying she does not care at all what they think. I can’t imagine what it’s like to go through something horrible publicly and then have people chime in hate on top of that. So good for her. Suck it, losers. (See what I mean about not being able to write like a mature adult?)

BONUS: I’ve recently spouted off about how much I hate that politics finds its way into every facet of life this year and how triggered everyone is and how much it makes me want to rip my hair out…HOWEVER, politics completely aside, red, blue, purple, liberal, conservative, tea party, THIS IS THE MOST PREPOSTEROUS PHOTO I’VE EVER LAID EYES ON and I beg you to look at this photo just as it is, with no implications and allow yourself to laugh hysterically.

Weezy F Baby with a turtleneck layered under a knit sweater, tossing us a TOTAL DAD pose of the thumbs up. I will laugh at this for the rest of eternity. TYSM.

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JUice

Weekly JUice

Week of 4/13/2020

1. Another Wronged 90’s Comeback.

The much hyped SBTB reboot with the return of Slater, Jessie, Zack & Kelly as parents of Bayside’s high school students has decided to drop a morsel in our quarantined state and honestly I wish they would take it back. I’m cooped up inside because the sky can’t stop dumping snow and icy winds down upon us and now I’ve gotta watch a VERY old looking Mama remind us that the good ole days of Bayside High were 30 years ago?! Uh uh, honey. I watched this teaser twice and that was two times too many. Tale as old as time, shows that were classic and hilarious in the 90’s want to strike again with a the kids are now parents comeback and it ALWAYS blooooooows. It’s campy and cheesy and the writing is tacky and they play into the same jokes and the nostalgia is 1000% NOT there. It ruins everything. Looking at you, Fuller House and Girl Meets World. Enough is enough. I don’t want to see Zack as a dad after I got to know him as a troublemaker man-whore who once dated a girl in a wheelchair and reminded her she was disabled every 30 seconds. I don’t want to learn that Slater is still ho’ing out in his middle age and reliving the past by being a high school gym teacher who relates everything back to his own high school years. 90’s reunions can be done in a late night bit where the jokes can be inapprops and the actors are making fun of themselves and THAT’S IT. The Salty Ju has dropped the ruling. We are done with 90’s sitcom reboots.

2. Brit & JT 4eva.

If you ever want to step outside of reality, I highly recommend taking a stroll through Britney Spears insta. Girl makes some of the weirdest videos on a daily basis. Trying on clothes and doing a fashion show or “dancing” like the one above. Also, she’s serving a WHOLE lotta choker. As someone who went through this trend hard 3 years ago, I think we can all agree it’s over. Either way, this week Brit made some waves when she danced to Filthy and casj called JT a genius. “We had one of the world’s biggest breakups 20 years ago” Ho Hum. Understatement of the century. How about “we crushed matching denim separates and then I cheated on him and he wrote a bangpiece song as a result.” I’d give her more credit if she was dancing to Cry Me a River because THAT was genius. Right down to the Britney look-alike in the video. Obviously, there was no response from JT, probs because he’s still on probation with Jess.

3. The Internet is Bored.

The internet tried to call the cops on Bubbles for “abusing” his wife in the above video clip. Because yes, people who beat their wives do it on Instagram live to millions of followers. If you’ve never caught an elbow from your man are you even in a relationship? Like let’s all relax and devote our hate to cancelling the Saved by the Bell reboot instead of biting the hand that feeds you. These two have been doing a live instagram every single day to entertain their fans and the fans responded by whistleblowing some playful ‘bows. Lupey responded but it was all in Spanish so I’ll save you the google translation and let you know that she told everyone to shut the hell up and MYOB. She loves her hubs and she’s not just saying that because he got grabby with her. ALL IS WELL.

4. No More Dating Shows.

I think we can all agree that what we aren’t lacking in TV is reality dating shows. There’s 9 trillion ways to marry people off in a three week period and we certainly don’t need one more. But don’t worry, Fox read the room and decided that yes we most certainly need another.  BUT THIS ISN’T JUST ANOTHER BACHELOR. Nope absolutely not. This is The Bachelorette for olds. Anyone whose watched one second of the Bachelor franchise knows that the girls keep getting younger and younger each season, hoping to find love or even better–more instagram followers. Fox said cut the shit and decided to dig Charlotte from Sex and the City up to help a 41 year old singleton find someone to put a baby in her before the cobwebs take over her nethers and it’s no longer possible to force a human head out. Also important to note that The newest Bachelorette is also pushing 40 so clearly the execs at ABC caught wind of this new show and wanted to prove that they’re not ageist. K. If America telling women that if they’re not married and with child by 35, they’re not doing life right–putting 40 somethings in an embarrassing reality dating competition IS SO MUCH WORSE. Please make it stop. If it sounds like I’m hating everything this week, please know that I am and that I tried really hard to find worthy things to talk about and honestly there was NOT A LOT. SO deal with it.

5. Fre$h Beatz.

We may have another month of staying indoors but that hasn’t stopped singers from dropping new heaters for us to listen to and probably never see performed live again. This week brings a Demi/Sam collab with some gay olympics, Kelly Clarkson reminding us all to stop being dirt humans when everything is falling apart, and blue-eyed babe soda Brett coming back after a VERY DRY 3 years of no music with a little piano tune about some lucky bitch named Gabrielle. Have a peaceful weekend.

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Pop Culture, Uncategorized

Celeb-oween 2016

As per tradish, here’s a rundown of all the celeb costumes I could find — from offensive, to naked and everything in between. And of course, the winner of this year’s “accidentally racist” costume that they immediately needed to issue an apology for is…….

Casamigos Tequila Halloween Party

YIKES. Outta left field with that one! Didn’t expect sweet ole Hil (who dressed as a basic bitch black cat last year) to fall for this trap.

Also to be clear, every gossip site who described her getup as a “sexy pilgrim” costume should also be issuing apologies because there is nothing sexy about a pilgrim.

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Miss Piggy & Kermit. My OG @allymaki

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Colton Haynes has been creepin up on Heidi Klum as Halloween extraordinare but enough is enough. I understand that Miss Piggy as a character is a slutty pig, but that doesn’t mean we need to see her naked, playboy style. TOO FAR, COLTON.

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Ok last one I promise 🦄🦄🦄🦄

A post shared by Jenna Dewan (@jennadewan) on

This year’s unicorn costume SLAAAYYYYY.

https://www.instagram.com/p/BMIf0TsgX_S/?taken-by=nicolerichie

Enough time has passed since the incident for this to be ok. Hil, take notes. Getting mauled by a tiger? Give it some time and then ease back into it. Native Americans, on the other hand? Always a no.

No clue what this is supposed to be.

https://www.instagram.com/p/BMNB8iEDcRw/?taken-by=therealsarahhyland

Hey what’re you dressed as tonight? Fairy Queen of the Swamp.

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Tinkerbell is a spunky one ✨💫✨

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What a perfect costume for CCB. Prayers to whoever is rocking those giant feet next to her.

My fave couple killing it power ranger style.

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About last night 🤘🏻#CasamigosHalloween

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Fam Goalz.

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Creep like a Ninja

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Glen Powell, better known as Chad Radwell with my favorite costume of the year. HI-YAHHHH.

Always a good time to throw it back to Alfalfa.

Whoa.

https://www.instagram.com/p/BMLMmcBBjtg/?taken-by=scoutlaruewillis&hl=en

WTF IS THIS?! I’ve never wanted to unsee something more.

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have you ever seen a more "why me?" face 😭

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Needs more flair

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Baby Luna CRUSHED Halloween. See Chrissy’s insta for no less than 1000 pictures of the little nugget modeling different costumes.

Speaking of nuggets, here’s ole smooth moves over here as Marty McFly.

As always, winners of the fam costume.

 

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And so we begin the “friendly” portion of Halloween. Playboy bunny from someone who I wouldn’t be surprised to see a sex tape from in 2017.

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You know how cowgirls love to wear their lingerie with a bedazzled belt over it.

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I’m not following on this number for Julianne Hough.

SHE WORE THIS WITH HER CHILDREN. THEY ARE OLD ENOUGH TO KNOW HOW RIDICULOUS THIS IS.

xtina

I’m torn here. This is so spot on but like also tone it down with the skankwad costumes every year, girl.

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Thanks for showing us your nips.

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Ah yes, of course. “Santa”. If Santa had never seen a cookie in his life and also wore sparkly hot pants.

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It felt right to follow up the sexy anything segment of this blog with Mindy’s Cap Sully costume. Which of course, is the opposite of sexy.

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BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOK!

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Bey & Blue in an ode to Salt n Pepa

Celebrities attend Kate Hudsons annual Halloween Party in Los Angeles

Katy Perry upgrading from the time she dressed as a literal cheeto, to full-on Hil. Not sure why Orlando Bloom is Trump instead of Slick Willy. Pretty weird coups costume dynamic.

Casamigos Tequila Halloween Party

LC Queen of DIY Halloween with another banger.

"Matthew Morrison hosts his 7th Annual Halloween-Birthday Party Presented by Freixenet Cava and Podwall Entertainment at Hyde, Los Angeles"

Nina Dobrev’s “I’m a complete dope” face really completes this costume.

Casamigos Tequila Halloween Party

Real life Ryan Lochte went for terrifying this year.

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Is this a real rabbit because it is creepy AF.

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Zach Braff looks like a babe soda

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Stranger Things from Amy & her hot boyf. Truth bomb, that hairstyle doesn’t look unrealistic with Amy’s face.

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Only time will tell if everyone gets outraged at Kelly for dressing up as Beyonce. Seems like a touchy subject lately. Cough cough, Amy Schumer.

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Hard pass to Michael Strahan as Pikachu.

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Well this is, interesting.

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LEO! WHY COVER THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE OF YOURS?!

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Nothin’ quite like dressing up as your younger self and realizing how old you are.

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Demi looks like a dime.

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Today Show tackled the 90’s, which of course I approve.

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Is this the first year Matt has dressed as a male character?

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Even the Today Show pup is killin it.

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Seems a little early in the morning for a hooker costume, but whatevs.

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Did I doooooo thaaaaaattt?

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I cannot and will not stop laughing at Kathie’s Reg face.

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Jenna Bush mailing it in and “dressing up” as her Grandma.

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Ellen and a very low key Heidi Klum as Sia and Maddie. Tough look to have multiple Sia’s in the daytime TV world.

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I already posted a solo shot of Candace as Tink, but it’s necessary to look at the whole cast of The View. Did they not learn ANYTHING from Today Show’s abomination of Peanuts last year? CARTOONS DON’T WORK IRL. This is what nightmares are made of.

HAPPY HALLOWEEN.

End of the day update (since I guess people actually dress up ON Halloween…whatever.)

WAY better than the power rangers. Cause, Doodle.

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We get it, Mario. You’re ripped.

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Enough with the Trolls. The movie isn’t even out yet and JT’s been hawking it since May. Also, those feet.

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Saw a lot of Lochte but didn’t see any Phelps face and I ‘preciate this. Gabby on the other hand is SO four years ago.

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It’s not fair.

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Do better Tay. I mean, I get that you’re bragging that you know Ryan Reynolds by wearing the actual costume, but also the squad can do better than a bunch of basic costumes. Especially when you’re all rich AF.

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Channing COULD NEVER be the beast.

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Barbie dreams come true. But that second Insta Blue is CLEARLY like ok enough pics let’s go get some G-D candy now.

And for the big reveal…Heidi Klum’s infamous costume this year that she built up for FAR TOO LONG is

Taking a page out of Kimmy K’s book from last year, Heidi dressed up as herself then took it one step further and dressed up 5 other women like herself, complete with face prosthetics. Kewl.

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Television

Grease LIVE! Review

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I went into this one with real low expectations and assumed I would be turning it off halfway through. Mostly because even though John Travolta is a big creep-dogg now, his role as Danny Zuko was easily my first crush (I’ve got a thing for bad boys) and I had a hard time imagining anyone else taking his place as the Zukster. I would call last night the first successful TV musical and I think everyone in America agrees. Mostly because of Aaron Tveit’s hips. Really though, in the sand, under the docks, I’d smooch this boy anywhere after last night’s performance. Here are the highs and lows of a musical based on the premise of a girl changing everything about herself for sex.

 

YES:

-Seriously Sandy, stop being such a square. Kisses from a guy with an open button-down make everything better.

 

-My favorite college bar used to play Summer Nights every single Saturday, which is just good business. Get a bunch of college kids boozed up and then have them scream in unison “NIIIII-HEIIIGHHHTTTSSSSS”. Needless to say, after damaging my eardrums from that on repeat every weekend, I was a little nervous for the live rendition. They nailed it though. Speaking of nailed, I feel like Danny’s friends should try it sometime and maybe they wouldn’t be so hard up for his beach hookup deets.

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-LET THE HIP THRUSTS BEGIN. He could have sung Lamb Chop Sing-along here and I wouldn’t have noticed at all thanks to those hot moves. Seriously, were they even singing about a car?

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-All hail the 50’s for their athletic nut huggers

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-I don’t remember Frenchie being such a feminist in the original Grease, then again I also don’t remember a country that wasn’t aggressively racist and segregated in the 1950’s but that’s neither here nor there. In modern-reboot world, black students don’t have to drink from a separate drinking fountain, they can hand jive with the rest of ‘em, and Frenchie is a capital F feminist. She yaps to Sandy about how she doesn’t need Danny, she can be an independent woman like they teach in home ec. And Sandy’s like yeah whatever I’m gonna go buy some leather pants and get my man.

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-Vanessa Hudgens as Rizzo slayed. Hudgens lost her dad this past weekend and went on to crush it as everyone’s fave sloot. She was sassy and looked like a real dime. Even her solo at the end was good and if we’re being honest that was always a song I skipped so I could get right to “tell me about it, stud” goods.

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-Was it lame that they had to edit song lyrics and keep the kisses PG for primetime? Kind of. Was it AWESOME that they didn’t tone down the dancing? Yes. I’d like to personally thank Fox for allowing this to air:

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It looked like a Miami club all up in that gym. Except of course, for Sandy…

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Cool moves, grl.

-I wore leather pants out Saturday night and totally had a hot guy crawl around the bar after me too, and pass out from how hot I looked… (Not..jealous..at..all)

 

 

NO:

-Although it pains me to say this, because Boyz II Men are the originators of babymakin music, but after their performance as the teen angels, I think they’re past their prime. In other words, they’ve come to the end of the road. ZING.

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-Related but also unrelated to Boyz II Men, Carly Rae Jepsen kinda sucked as Frenchie. The original Frenchie was so much better. She even outshined Carly as the waitress at the diner. Yikes.

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-This new song was alright, but nothing’s weirder than the guitar guy roaming around the gym trying to distract us from our very own “who wears short shorts” commercial in the flesh, via Danny Zuko.

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-The infamous drag race where there’s fire and cars getting chopped up and a terrifying villain named Leo with pockmarks all over his face was DUST in last night’s version. I understand they have limited resources on a sound stage but they didn’t even try that hard to make it look like they weren’t in a stationary car making a bunch of intense faces. I stand by my tweet.

-If they had a carnival set up outside WHY DID THEY NOT HAVE THE ENTIRE FINAL SCENE THERE? Starting in the gym and then driving golf carts around the set to finish the show was super dumb.

-Yeah, yeah, smoking is the worst but Bad Sandy NEEDS a cigg here. How is she supposed to stomp it out with her heel and look like a leather-clad minx while doing it?

 

-Related: you can’t have the final scene without the scandalous Shake Shack shimmy and the flying car. No argument. End of discussion.

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Oh, obviously Julianne Hough was great as Sandy. As if that was ever a question. The girl’s a profesh at everything and cute as a button. From one Bad Sandy to another, I’ll just continue to be bitter about the fact that she got to mack Aaron and stuff…

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Pop Culture

Celeb-oween 2015

Celebs, they’re just like us…sometimes they have really dumb, unoriginal halloween costumes…and when they do, I point and laugh at them. I will applaud the fact that no one slipped up and did black face this year. They just might be learning!

WORST

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Haute couture skeleton @alexfaction

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I think this would have been okay had J.Lo not taken a typical costume and called it haute couture like a bougie betch.

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I’m not sure what’s going on here, is this just a child from my nightmares?

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I think I nailed the Kim K costume! 🕸👻🕷

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What does the biggest attention whore in America dress as for Halloween? Herself, obviously.

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I will absolutely NOT support Let it Go for one more second. Even if she does look like an adorbz little Olaf.

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Devil’s Threesome.

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The Today Show tried to be cutesicle….

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Except replicating a cartoon in real life can actually turn into a pretty scary sitch for all involved. Also OF COURSE Matt Lauer cross-dressed.

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Trump thrives off of this shit.

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Tyra Banks as Richard Branson. Why?

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Did Kylie even know it was Halloween? OHHHHH BURNNNN.

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Gisele and Tom Brady putting giant skeleton bobble heads on with a regular outfit is lazy and lame.

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HEIDI KLUM MUST BE STOPPED. DO SO SO SO SO SO MUCH LESS.

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Katy Perry as a mic drop. This is actually a clever idea until you have to reenact it 100 times for people to get it and then you have a concussion.

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I know Hil can do much better than a basic betch black cat.

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Right, so this is what warriors look like?

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BOOOOOOOOOOOOOO. Shirtless costumes only in the future, pls.

BEST

Anne looking pastel puuurfect as a unicorn.

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Coming to America🎃

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HOW SASSY IS BLUE THOUGH?!

The classiest woodland creatures I ever did see.

Mario Lopez’s kid is the cutest little smush and they nailed Elvis & Elvis Jr.

Allison looks EXACTLY like Belle.

Authentic shit, right down to the climbing. If Shawn was my fiance I’d climb him like a tree too.

I’m embarrassed that I went as Sandy last year because Gigi swept through this year and took a big dump on my version of bada$$ Sandra Dee.

Sophia Bush perfecting Pulp Fiction

The possibly engaged couple as polar opposites. Mesmerized by Jeets’ face as the devil.

Lebron going as Prince and taking the stage for an impromptu show seems really out of character for him.

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Girls’ already got one hell of a mane.

Not as good as last years caveman in the flesh but still pretty great.

Hot damn! 2000’s Jess is making a comeback.

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I just wanna snatch P right up. I won’t…but I want to.

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This is Colton Haynes. He doesn’t normally look like this. Respect tha hustle here for transforming into the largest and most disgusting creature in Disney villain history.

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Nina Dobrev bitch facing as Posh.

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Don’t you ever cross Queen Bey or she’ll come at you like this.

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Kelly Ripa’s got a knack for pop culture costumes, IMO.

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Michael Strahan as Cookie. FIERCE.

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Josh Duhamel with a gap tooth.

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I’m always pro-T.Swift costume.

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GMA hosts Robin Roberts & TJ Holmes take on the Lyons.

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Bionic hand seals the deal for Aisha Tyler

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Miranda Lambert and co. as the Rockford Peaches. Where Marla Hooch at?

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Ellen DeGeneres created her own character, Karla Kardashian, who is the reject of the clan and only wears hand-me-downs. Bonus points for originality although we know how I feel about drawing more attention to the Kardash fam.

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This seems like an approps costume for someone who naturally has gunz on gunz.

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If you have a hot bod like Sarah Hyland it should be mandatory that you go leather bodysuit for Halloween.

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Always jelly of celebs who can get their hands on legit wardrobe for pop culture costumes.

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Gina Rodriguez shows off cute and cozy.

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YAASSSSS TRAP QUEEN.

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Pink looks exactly like lil Drew Barrymore.

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Nicole Richie doing up the Nightmare before Christmas creeperoni.

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NPH is the family costume magician every year.

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His and hers cat in the hats for one of my fave couples

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Chrissy Teigen as Guy Fieri is perfect and gave her an excuse to do douchey things. I’m all for a costume that lets you get away with being a more obnoxious individual.

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JUice

Weekly JUice

Week of 10/19/15

1. Gilmore Girls is next aboard the Netflix ship.

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A series is never dead in today’s world. After Gilmore Girls reunited at the ATX Festival this year and we all saw that Lorelai hasn’t aged a minute, while Luke apparently hasn’t stopped aging, this obviously got the ball rolling for reunion rumors. Apparently creator Amy Sherman Palladino has had the last four words of the series written for like decades and now she’ll have her chance to show them with Netflix creating four 90 minute episodes and the grand sunset on Stars Hollow. As a Team Anyone But Dean gal, I’ll be anxious to see who will be the next in a lineup of very important boyfs for Rory, and obviously if they bring that little homewrecker April back I will send a strongly worded letter to Amy about how she’s betrayed everything I’ve ever believed in TV. Other than that, let’s see what they’ve got for those fabulous Gilmore Girls!

2. Adele is BACK.

I don’t really know how long she’s been gone but it was just the right amount of time if you ask me. I needed at least a year to get over the fact that while I was studying abroad in Florence they played Rolling in the Deep on repeat ad nauseum any time there was a speaker available. I think this made me irrationally angry toward Adele, but the beauty of it is she popped out a little nugget, disappeared for a hot second to be a mom and now I welcome her back with open arms, all irritations forgotten. Obviously she still has a powerhouse voice and her next album will sweep all the awards so it was nice knowin ya while it lasted, Sam Smith. No seriously, do you think Sam Smith heard this song and then sent Adele an anonymous letter that told her to go back into retirement because there’s only room for one soulful Brit to win all the awards in America? Just wondering.

3. Zooey Deschanel named her daughter something quirky.

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At this point I feel like the joke’s on us. Celebs put their heads together and say what will illicit the largest general audience eye roll for a baby name. First name: Elsie, Middle name: Otter. Although I commend the somewhat normal first name, they could have easily gone with River Otter if they really wanted to play into this but just the light touch of a furry water species that one would associate with campgrounds was apparently enough weird for them.

4. At the risk of beating a dead horse, Perfect got more Perfect.

Here’s the black and white music video for 1D’s perfect and if you were questioning if it actually is a response to Style, look no further than the several thousand artsy shots and closeups on Harry and that glossy, wild mane of his. The Hawaiian shirt though, really?

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5a. Tori Kelly goes Poc on us.

Apparently there’s a celeb Disney compilation CD in the works–including a J.Derulo version of Can You Feel the Love Tonight…gonna need that to enter my ears stat. But anyway, Tori the goddess of singing tackled Colors of the Wind. I’m going to be up front about it and say that I thought Pocahontas sucked as a Disney movie and I wouldn’t even think of giving this song a second listen but her version is obviously spectacular.

5b. Casting News. Mario Lopez joins Grease LIVE as Vince Fontaine, who if I remember correctly was somewhat of a creep. So not sure about that one. Also Chris Rock was announced as host of the Oscars this year and I hold out hope that having a standup comedian hosting again is just what we need to save ourselves from endless shitty bits and musical numbers that have turned past hosting gigs into trash city. Bonus points if he drops an uncensored F bomb while hosting. The world needs a little more edge is what I think.

BONUS: JT was inducted into the Memphis Hall of Fame this past weekend aka he came out of hiding aka he looked like a dime and was funny onstage and bro’ed out with his boyfriend Jimmy Fallon.

PS He slobbered all over his wife, his “rock” and said he loved her more than he could express in any song so I guess they’re pretty solid…whatever…

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JUice

Weekly JUice

Week of 10/12/15

We are back, we are baaaaacckkkkkkk and we are getting Doug baccckkkkkkkk! You’re welcome for that lovely outdated 2010 pop culture reference that you probably are still trying to figure out. I’m trying to bring the Hangover back. For no reason whatsoever. Anyway, I took a two week hiatus from the JUice because the whole point of a blog on Friday with the week’s top headlines is that it’s interesting and these past two weeks the pop culture news cycle has been just about as exciting as my day to day game of should I go somewhere so that my neighbors see that I’m still alive and well enough to leave my apartment instead of rotting on my couch binge watching Parks & Rec. Although that may sound very disgusting I’d like to charitably add that I have been maintaining a normal shower routine. Yay, me! Anyway, shit went dizown this week so the JUice is back and you can thank me later. Or now. Whatever works in your schedule, pencil me in.

1. Leo Dicaprio Engaged.

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The king of all kings, the colossus of clout, the great LEONARDO DICAPRIO apparently, supposedly, sources say, put a ring on it. And the “it” is a chick my age so we can just kindly go back in time and stab an ice pick into my 1997 little girl heart as I fell in love with Titanic Leo and dreamed of the day we would marry. His fiancee, Kelly Rohrbach is an actress/swimsuit model (obviously)–yawn–my grandma once told me I should be a model and I was like No, Gams, I don’t want to intimidate the other girls in the Sports Illustrated swimsuit edition. Whatevz, they also clearly share a love of biking as pictured above, not for nothing but I’ve recently taken up biking and usually take a spin around town every day. But if it’s this girl he wants then FINE. I won’t be bitter. Also to be completely honest this could all be about as true as the time i reported Jeter was buying a house in Central New York–it’s not People official yet so we’ll just go ahead and assume it’s a rumor and that Leo is still waiting for the “one”(wink).

2. Zayn-Free 1D is PERFECT. I’m not afraid to shout it from the rooftops that I like 1D without Zayn sooo0oo0ooo much better. They released Perfect today, listen here, and I’ve had it on repeat all morning long. Obviously as far as celeb news goes they couldn’t let it slide without making comparisons to TSwift and saying it’s Harry’s response to Style (which was OBVIOUSLY about him.) I guess with lyrics like “If you like late night driving with the windows down” and “If you’re looking for someone to write your breakup songs about” it’s pretty much an open and shut case but that doesn’t mean they’re not going to each get badgered with questions about it. EITHER WAY, this song is perfect and so is present-day 1D.

3. Chrissy Teigen Preggers.

There’s been a lot of badgering Chrissy about when she’s gonna get knocked up already and finally about a month ago she was like hey assholes I’m having a difficult time getting pregnant so maybe shut your fat traps and let me live. Well her and John Legend just announced in an adorable instagram way of course so obviously I’m happy for them as a beautiful couple about to make a model child but also might have to unfollow Chrissy on Twitter once the little nugget pops out if she’s going to be as candid as I think she is about this topic. I stand firmly on team no babies, but glad to see they made it through their struggles and hope the baby is healthy.

4. Jasmine & Aladdin duet 23 years later.

Ok this was being tossed around because the original singers of A Whole New World paired up again on GMA to perform and although it made me nostalgic for the Aladdin days, I think I would have preferred to watch cartoons on a magic carpet ride over two humans who do not look like Aladdin and Jasmine, gazing into each other’s eyes while a bunch of adults lined up behind a piano watched them with ferociously nodding heads. It made me real uncomfy. I wanted to close my eyes and focus on the magical love but I couldn’t look away from the cringey interaction. Oh yeah and obviously they sound exactly the same so kudos to their voice coaches and stuff. Three cheers for Aladdin making a comeback these days. Still the best Disney movie in the biz–And I’m obviously still the best Jasmine in the biz, NBD but HBD.

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5. Kimmy Gibbler can get it.

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Last week casting revealed who would play Gibbler’s ex-husband and he’s a real hottie who also played Jesus one time so he’s now known as “Hot Jesus”…not a bad rep, bro. His name is Juan Pablo Di Pace and unless English isn’t his first language, I’m having a hard time figuring out how these two would end up togets. It will be interesting to see how this plays out, since he’s the ex it’ll be single galz on the scene with Kimmy, Steph and DJ (recently widowed ala copy cat Danny Tanner style) all on the singles grind. Although Steve is back–just as I predicted he would be, so I’m guessing Deej isn’t single for very long. I don’t think I need to reiterate how disappointed I will be if Fuller House goes the way of Girl Meets World in spin-off land.

BONUS: Zack Morris & AC Slater selfie.

HASHTAG BUDDY BANDS.

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