Weekly JUice

Week of 2/12/18



Jennifer Aniston is America’s Sweetheart. You know it, I know it, Brad Pitt knows it. As America’s Sweetheart, the media can’t stop crawling up her ass and being all up in her shit 24/7. When Brad left her for that skankwad homewrecker pretending to be a charitable activist and they adopted 5 million kids, everyone was like POOR JEN — SHE’LL BE SINGLE FOREVER. When she started dating Justin Theroux they were all like OMG she’s rebounding and trying to find love when her heart is still broken. When it was clear that they were in it for the long haul but hadn’t tied the knot yet, it was all about how she’ll never settle down again, which quickly turned into a 5 year bump watch. When she declared that she wasn’t pregnant it was like poor Jen she’ll never have a family. And now LOOK WHERE WE ARE, AMERICA. You did this. You broke up Jen and Justin. Not me. You. And now homegirl has to listen to everyone dissect her 7 year relationship, say how it never worked because she never got over Brad, then speculate a Brad/Jen reunion for the next 5 years. Brad is human garbage. Jen is a G-D goddess. I hope you think long and hard about what you did here, America. Also, Jen, give me a call gurl, I’m also going through a breakup and wouldn’t hate it if you swept me away to Mexico for a little recovery girls trip ❤ We’ll get through this together.


2. Shotgun Wedding.


I was once a shipper of Amy Schumer. Mostly because I’m a disgusting female who doesn’t like to pretend that I’m ladylike in any way, shape, or form. Then Amy started going a little too far. She was embracing the “I’m a slut who probably has a drinking problem” a little TOO much and I was like hmmm, not my cup of tea. My tipping point was probably around the time when I saw her standup show live and she was visibly hammered. Could’ve just run into you at a bar like that tbh, didn’t need to drop $40 on a ticket. All opinions aside, Amy casually got married to a guy she’s been dating for like 3 months. It was a secret wedding but OF COURSE cool grl Jennifer Lawrence was there because they’re like besties or whatever. Gonna be honest, already looks like JLaw stole the spotlight. Anyway, hope it works out for ya!


3. Scary Em is Back.

Here’s the latest music video for Eminem’s unlikely collab with everyone’s favorite angel-voiced Brit. I loved the song when I first heard it because well, Ed. Didn’t really expect it to take this dark turn with the video but oh boy, it did. In a borderline documentary (honestly not sure if it’s real or fake) Eminem basically destroys a marriage and forces the married chick he’s been boning to get an abortion. YIKES Em. NOT GREAT.  Since I’m a big music video guy, I lapped up every minute of this extended drama but if we’re comparing volatile relationship music videos from Eminem, Love the Way You Lie still takes the cake for me.

4. Ginger Jules.

I’m not sure how one “identifies as a red head” but it is 2018 after all and apparently that’s a thing too. Being born knowing you’re supposed to have a different hair color as if that affects your personality/outlook on life. Or like, choosing to be a ginger. HMMM. After JoJo’s season on the Bachelorette I decided that I needed a hair change, as every girl does from time to time, but I didn’t want to fully commit. So I collected pics of sunkissed ombre / scattered blonde pieces just like this…


…and true to every hair coloring experience ever, I unexpectedly walked out of the salon a full-on blonde. Thank God it was summer and I was tan or we would’ve had a real situation on our hands. Either way, I didn’t post on Instagram the minute my head was dyed that I was born to be a blonde. And I didn’t act any different because my hair was bleached. I probably would’ve worn a backwards trucker hat every day that summer anyway. CRUSHED IT. #onceyougoblondeyoudresslikealez


But anyway, enough about me, thank God she matched her eyebrows though.

5. I just love Blake so much.


Music, Pop Culture

End Game: A Night Out with Taylor Swift


At this point you shouldn’t even be shocked by a blog dedicated to each and every Taylor Swift music video, it should be expected. After all, if she’s going to release every one like it’s a feature film then I’m going to pop popcorn and watch it on repeat like my favorite movie. This latest release represents her foray into the rap game and leading up to the drop I was salivating in anticipation of seeing Taylor as a rap video ho. Let me tell you, it was everything and more. What I didn’t expect is for ya girl to show us how she can PARTAY. Previously assumed to be the lame friend who comes out for one drink then spends the rest of the night at home baking and doing puzzles surrounded by her cats, this is a real shake up for the Tay image and a moment that I didn’t know I had been waiting for all my life. When I asked my friend and fellow Swiftie Lindsey what my angle should be for breaking down this video she replied “A night out with Taylor Swift and why we should be best friends.” In the name of laziness and letting my friends feed me ideas for my blogs…LET’S DO THIS. Breaking down the stages of partying with Taylor and why each one is awesome.

5. Dancing on a yacht. This is CLASSIC rap video staple and also just a general celebrity FU to the world. What do rich people do when they want to party in any warm region of the world? They take to the sea on a lavish yacht and that’s the most obvious. Taylor doesn’t just set sail though, she also assembles a girl crew for a quick coordinated dance on top deck while fireworks pop in the distance. Gawd, she’s cool. Permission to climb aboard, Tay?


PS while we’re discussing the Miami portion of the video, might I point out that her glitter hoodie dress is probably my favorite outfit in this and I would like one for myself stat, as well as a cool hallway in an abandoned home to strut around in while wearing it.


4. DDR. Tokyo brings out a nerd side of Taylor as she tries on Ed’s glasses and makes goofy faces then has a casual DDR competition and grabs a juicebox because I guess that’s how they party in the Tokster. The best part about this is that Taylor rips a shot with Ed and it’s GAME ON after that. You always know when your evening is going to go from casual to the real deal when someone orders a shot and T tosses it back like a CHAMP. This ain’t her first rodeo. (Or it’s water. I’m choosing to believe she can hang.)


3. House Party. Over the pond we get to see what a house party should look like if you live in a penthouse that has skyline views and once again, there are fireworks. Do we think Taylor just travels with a firework guy? Like calls her manager that morning, “OK, I’m going to be in Barcelona tonight, can Jake be there with some bottle rockets, air bombs, black snakes and uhh why doesn’t he toss in a few roman candles. Make sure he starts the show at 10 when we start taking shots. KTHNXBYEEEE.” That’s how I imagine her life goes. Anyway, house party Taylor includes a million friends, a girl with a pink camera to document all the fun they’re having, oh and her own personal rap show in front of the fireplace. I mean if you’re going to have everyone over for a night of debauchery there should also be some form of entertainment. Her in a sparkly crop top rapping like a badd bitch seems like the best kind. That wink at the end? Oh Lord. Gave me shivers.


2. Bar Hoppin. Now we’re getting to the stages of partying that us commoners can appreciate and participate in at the same level. Taylor takes the whole crew out to the bar in London and then proceeds to play snake on her phone while a friend pours her drink into her mouth. If you don’t think I’m going to start doing that at the bar you’re an IDIOT. Fair warning to my friends, if my hands are busy, your duty is to get that alcohol into my mouth regardless. If we’re not allowed to go out on the town with Taylor, then I think it’s reasonable to channel her while out. I’ll have to phone pub and ask if it’s cool of me to lounge atop the bar before attempting. Mostly because the last time I climbed up on a barstool and heavy leaned over the bar to get a drink I almost got kicked out, which seems irrational but whatever. I’ll just pull up this video as reference moving forward.


I also respect the hell out of Taylor ending the night with drunk nomz. Granted, she’s eating a kebab in a blue fur coat and I’m usually siphoning a slice of ‘za on my walk home, but still good to know that she understands the importance of an end of the night drunk snack.


1. Closet Drinking. This is something that we can all accomplish and should at some point in our lives. Again, not all of us have a walk-in closet to do so, but literally just getting drunk with your bestie in sweats and just living in that drunk-at-home space is really where the magic happens. You don’t have to worry about how you’re getting home or where you’re sleeping or crowds or people being annoying because you’re in your own home and can do whatever the hell you want. You wanna sip drinks in a fleece robe in your closet? Do it up, girl. AIN’T NOBODY STOPPIN YA.


Since Taylor is probably busy this weekend going out with her squad (are they taking applications yet?) you’ll just have to channel your inner party T and do her proud. Slap on some sparkles or even a top hat, and dance it out with a drink in your hand. You really wanna get crazy? Set off some fireworks. Legally, of course. Not trying to get sued here or have you set yourself on fire. On second though, maybe just stick to the going out part and don’t F with fire hazards.





Weekly JUice

Week of 11/27/17

1. Every American Girl’s Dream Came True.



Remember when I announced that Meghan Markle and Prince Harry were dating and that everyone was taking a royal dump on it because she’s American and also half black? WELL GUESS WHAT, NOW SHE’S GONNA BE A ROYAL. I’m down with it. I was never against it. Was it a little sooner than I was expecting? Sure. But have you seen her stems? I don’t blame Harry one bit for locking that shit down.


It’s funny that America always had this obsession with party boy Harry and who would tame him. I mean there was a literal trash ass reality show where they led Americans to believe they were dating Prince Harry just because they put an orangehead in a suit and had him take the girls on fancy dates. At the time I was like joke’s on all of you, Harry will never settle for a trailer-livin, reality show appearin, AMERICAN. Joke was on me, apparently. American is what he settled for. She’s living out every girl’s princess dreams and I applaud the hell out of her. Gear up for non-stop Heghan fever. (We’ll work on that.) We’ll follow them to every public appearance, analyze their hand holding, have apps to virtually try on her ring, all leading up to the royal wedding that will be bigger than all the awards shows combined. I CANNOT WAIIIIIIITTTTT.



 Ed’s baller enough to call up ‘Yonce and be like wanna sing this beautiful song I’ve already released with me? And she’s like YUP. It’s even better now. I didn’t think it was possible but the magic of their two voices combining is like Fergie and Jesus. What a duet.

3. I’m still a Demi superfan.

I just wanted to remind everyone that I still think Demi is QUEEN and I’m loving everything that she’s doing lately. I already ship a good music video real hard but this one was especially gripping. WHAT A ROLLERCOASTER OF EMOTIONS. First thought, Jesse ❤ What a good pick…smokeshow city. Second thought, they look so beautiful together and they clearly have a good sex life. Then WHABOOM, I see we’ve taken a turn for the “this is gonna be forever or it’s gonna go down in flames” territory. One thing’s for certain though and that is mah gurl Demi looks flawle$$ on her fake wedding day. Could’ve done with less of the shitty acting, tbh. But it all played into the drama and I get it. Song also bangs, so that doesn’t hurt either.

4. Jersey Shore Rides Again.

Never thought that in 2018 we would still be watching self-proclaimed guidos dick around on vacation but then again what can we predict in Hollywood anymore? These washed up trash monsters are mostly settled down now…Snooki and JWoww are parents (yikes) which apparently means it’s time to get the gang back together. JShore when it first debuted was MAGIC. Angelina getting called a dirty little hamster by Pauly D was one of my favorite moments in TV history. Then by season 4 when they’re pulling in Snooki’s friends (from Poughkeepsie, NY) as part of the show it was like eh ok. That’s enough. Probably the only thing that entices me to tune in is that Sammi Sweetheart won’t be there to sob and scream RAWN, HOW DARE YOU?! over and over and over again. Count me in.

5. VS Show = Garbage.

ming xi

As you all know, every year I recap the VS Fashion show so that we can laugh at the fluff material they film with dumbass underwear models to fill that hour timeslot on CBS and also summarize which singer interacted with the models most awkwardly. Well you know what? This year was THE WORST. Not only did I get false confirmation that Taylor Swift would be performing, but instead of Tay they had Miguel and a jazz singer. MIGUEL. IN 2017. The last time we heard of Miguel it was because he had committed a murder right in front of our very eyes.

What a joke of entertainment selection. I couldn’t even get excited for Harry. Honestly. The only thing I will post about the show is the model who cockily flashed the dubz peace sign then proceeded to fly through the air and fall flat on her face. Most brutal thing I’ve ever seen is that they didn’t edit her fall out OR THE SOBBING that occurred afterward backstage. What a commitment to ruining this girls’ career and completely embarrassing her. Feel free to watch it back here.



Weekly JUice

Week of 10/16/17

Took a significant break from JUicing because Hollywood’s not funny nor entertaining when every female is getting sexually assaulted. But in the spirit of another TSwift drop, I was forced out of retirement…again. (Also I started a new job and I had to test the waters on blogging at work. Turns out we Gucci.)

1. Nope.

Alright, I’m out. I mean it was bound to happen. If you’re going to release three songs from your probably only 13 track album (just release the whole damn thing already) I knew there was a chance I was going to hate one of them and here we are. Going from singing about sex in Ready For It.. to you’re too gorgeous for me and I’ll just get drunk and go home to my cats. Really Tay?! Grow up. This is 100% a song for her preteen superfans and I’m just far too mature for it, honestly. Everyone’s saying it’s about her new boyfriend Joe Alwyn who is not the type of gorgeous that you write a song about his face. (“Cause you’re so gorgeous it actually hurts”) Scott Eastwood? Sure. This guy:


Not so much.

PS GTFO of here with adding children into a song. This isn’t Kidz Bop.

2. Everyone should watch this.

I had a really adult night where I gave myself a face mask and watched a YouTube documentary about a Disney star and I have 0.0 regrets about it. In fact, I encourage all of you to do the same. This doc was riveting. Probably because I’m unhealthily invested in the lives of celebs but also because I think Demi is wildly talented and got a bad rep just because she liked the nose candy. I mean, her and Selena were like toe to toe coming up from Disney and Selena ended up with more clout just because she didn’t go to rehab…which sucks because Demi actually has a good voice. But anyway, watch this for juicy tidbits about how she was a G-D trainwreck while touring with the JoBros at like 18. I mean think about it, this was the time when the Jonas Brothers were PEAK purity rings. And they’re touring with a girl whose trashing hotel rooms and punching backup dancers on a private jet. Quality entertainment. (I could’ve used even more BTS stories from this time, tbh.) Also there’s some great insight into her relashe with Wilmer Valderrama and how he literally wouldn’t talk to her until she turned 18. (Yeah, Ok.) Either way, fire up YouTube and treat yoself.

3. Ed Sheeran probably watched Demi’s doc.


Apparently Ed just recently revealed that he, too has battled substance abuse. I mean it’s not hard being in Hollywood and using all of the things. Ed admitted that he got outta control and decided to go off the grid for a year to get his shit together. I think we can all collectively thank his boo, Cherry Seaborn. Because even though she has a stupid AF name, she influenced Ed to stop raging and without her we would not have Divide. True story.

4. JT is the perfect husband.

Do I support their marriage? No. Is it because I’m jelly? Yes. So here’s a little happy anniversary from me to the Timberlakes, by posting JT’s serenade to his wifey. Bet she really appreciated it as she sat at home taking care of their kid while he was out with the boyz doing a late night recording sesh. Jk she was probably drinking wine with Reese Witherspoon or something while the nanny watched their kid. Most importantly, JT is back in the studio.

5. Girl Crush Updates.

I don’t really have a fifth headline to blab about this week so instead let’s check in on my #1 and #2 girl crushes because they’ve both been on my radar this week. Blake Lively is promoting something. What is it? No idea. All I know is that whenever she promotes something she wears 100 cool ass outfits for press and looks like a total babe soda.

💃🏼@oscardelarenta @lorraineschwartz @lorraineschwartz @ofirajewelz

A post shared by Blake Lively (@blakelively) on

🍂🍁🍃🍂@bottegaveneta @jonathansimkhai @louboutinworld @lorraineschwartz

A post shared by Blake Lively (@blakelively) on

The balls to my basket.

A post shared by Blake Lively (@blakelively) on

Even though she wore a full men’s suit and a torn up bedazzled jersey, I still love her so much.

And mah gurl Sophia Bush signed a deal with 20th century to produce and star in new shows. Dunno anything else about it other than she best be gracing my TV in a new number one hit right quick. Click here for full story.


Music, Playlist

Summer Palooza 2k17

Summer solstice has occurred and you KNOW what time it is. Three cheers for the return of SUMMAH PALOOOOOOOZA. And in great news, this year’s version didn’t start a fight between my sister and I. We are hashtag blessed that making this mix didn’t create a family divide for once* and the best season of the year may begin now. (*We’ll be sick of this mix in roughly 10 days)

I’m the One-Dj Khaled ft. Justin Bieber, Chance the Rapper, Lil Wayne. As much as it pains me to kick off arguably the most awaited mix of the year with this buffoon DJ Khaled…it’s a bangpiece of a song and that beat just screams summer and drinking. I’m willing to overlook the girl riding a horse with her tits bouncing all over town in the music video, the fact that Lil Wayne rhymed record with record three times and DJ Khaled calling himself a rapper when all he does is shout WE THE BEST and ANOTHA ONE. All for a good summer jam.


PS Sick purple outfit, bruh. NAHT.

Craving You – Thomas Rhett ft. Maren Morris. We will politely ignore the fact that Maren is on this song in any capacity and just groove to TR like nobody’s biz. Hey Maren, why don’t you writhe all over Keith Urban again in your hot pants and bralette onstage? PEOPLE DON’T FORGET.

Cut To The Feeling – Carly Rae Jepsen. Didn’t give our girl Carly a second thought since Call Me Maybe because to be honest, when you start out the gate with the most epic song on this planet, there’s no way you can ever top yourself. But I guess she’s back and she’s feeling the 80’s real hard so here’s this Breakfast Club beat that will never be as good as her first single.

Body Like A Back Road – Sam Hunt. This song is kind of old and a little overplayed but bonus points for it not having Sam’s weird talk/rapping in it and also triple bonus points because he’s gonna take it real slow on my curves. I mean, whoever’s curves he’s singing about. #sexstuff

Galway Girl – Ed Sheeran. SHE PLAYED THE FIDDLE IN AN IRISH BAND! It’s quite literally impossible not to feel happy when you hear this song. It immediately makes me want to do a car bomb and break into a joyous jig. It’s the song of forever, not just the summer.

Another Love Song – Ne-Yo. Hey what happened to Ne-Yo? Jason Derulo pretty much jacked his schtick but guess what…Jason disappointed us this year with some pretty garbage music lately so Ne-Yo is swooping back in to claim his R&Bizzle throne.

No Such Thing as a Broken Heart – Old Dominion. How many songs reference Jack and Diane as if they’re real human beings? I wonder if John Mellencamp gets resids every time they do. That’d be clutch. Either way, here’s some more country because it’s finally warm enough to listen to country and not be depressed AF. Also it’s a song with a nice message and it’s not just about drinking beer and fishing.

Despacito – Luis Fonsi, Daddy Yankee ft. Justin Bieber. I fought real hard for this number to make the cut because even though it’s 90% not in my language, it just makes me want to move my hips and I’m not sorry bout it. Shouts to JBiebz for getting two songs on Summer Palooza and also making this acceptable for American radio play with his spanglish ramblings.

Sleep Without You – Brett Young. Technically this came out a billion years ago but Brett is a real babe soda and he just wants to snuggle with a lady after she goes clubbin with her lady friends. Can’t knock a guy who lets you do your own thing and just waits for you to come home and spoon him. Actually now that I’ve typed that out he kinda sounds like a loser. But whatevs, the intentions are adorbs.


Remember I Told You – Nick Jonas feat. Anne-Marie & Mike Posner. We were trying to be like the youths by adding this song. I was thinking it appealed to the college aged kids but when I listened to it for a little inspiration for this description my sister’s newborn baby started cooing along to the beat. No joke. So I guess hotter Jonas appeals to ALL ages.

No Promises – Cheat Codes ft. Demi Lovato. This song is caaatchyyyyy AF. Also it created quite a stir in the news because Demi decided to rock some dreads in the video. Hey Demi, act like you’ve been famous before–everyone knows that whites with dreads offends the world. Run a brush through ya hair.


Hopin’ You Were Lookin’ – Rascal Flatts. Rascal Flatts continues to prove that three middle aged guys who can’t sing for shit can work some real magic in the studio and release bangerz every year. I wish I could snake it that hard to be rich. I put out a banging summer playlist every year and what do I get? NOTHIN I TELL YA.

There’s Nothing Holdin’ Me Back – Shawn Mendes. Teen dream Shawn made it on b2b summer palooza’s so you know he’s legit. Honestly he could sing about farting and I would listen to it all day erreday. I just laughed out loud at the word farting. Because I’m about as mature as his preteen fans, so really it all adds up.

Give Love – Andy Grammer feat. LunchMoney Lewis. Shouts to Andy for tossing a little work at LunchMoney. We haven’t heard from him since he sang about the bills he had to pay while sitting on the can, and it looks like he got himself into shape. Just kidding. He’s still 1000 pounds. Andy still kills it at pop-tastic singles. Three cheers for consistency.


She’s With Me – High Valley. This is the part of searching for new songs for three weeks where my sister and I pull songs out of our asses and decide that they’re summer palooza worthy just because we’re desp. Either way, it’s SUPRISINGLY UPBEAT!

Strip That Down – Liam Payne Ft. Quavo. Truth bomb: Liam’s single is the worst one from all the 1D solo breakouts plus he shits all over the group and said he hates Harry’s music. (The disrespect is REAL.) Regardless, can’t deny that this beat makes you wanna wiggle. So ignore the “I’m so much cooler than 1D” lyrics and drop it low.

Love Someone – Brett Eldredge. Can’t have summer without a new Brett jam. He’s been crushing it lately with fresh music and I’m all in on watching him serenade his pup on Snapchat every damn day until the end of time.

White Houses – Vanessa Carlton. The season cannot begin nor end without ‘Ness singing about sweaty *consensual* first times in the back of a car. (I copied and pasted this from Summer Palooza 2k16…because this song never changes. Sue me. I dare you.)


Weekly JUice

Week of 5/1/17


This video is everything. The song itself made me want to go back to Galway and the video just hammered it home. I TOO WOULD LIKE TO IRISH STEP AND THROW DARTS IN A BAR WITH A LIVE FIDDLE. Props to Ed for just rolling around Ireland with a camera and acting like he wouldn’t get recognized by fans. What a sweetie.

2. Live with Ryan.


Knowing how much of a diva Kelly Ripa is this is the worst move Live could’ve ever made and I refuse to believe she was on board with it. Ryan Seacrest dominates everything that he does. I’ll never understand it because he’s suuuuuch a wiener but give Ryan Seacrest an inch and he’ll take a mile. Kelly who? She’ll be bumped by Sweeps.

3. Babybabybabybabybabayyyyyy.

Well this is just about the most adorable announcement ever. I mean the caption is a little queer but that photo is perfection.

4. Niall has Slow Hands.

Gone are the days when Niall had braces and was the most awkz bird of 1D. Look at how sultry that photo is. He’s so grown up and all about those dirty suggestive lyrics. “Slow, slow hands, like sweat dripping down that dirty laundry, no, no chance I’m leaving here without you on me.” WOOOOO. Niall comin in HAWT. I’m down with it. Gotta be brutally honest and say that Niall is winning the solo debut right now. Two out of two straight bangers from him–who would’ve thought?

5. Goldie & Kurt 4eva.

Goldie Hawn and Kurt Russell honored with a star on the Hollywood Walk of Fame, Los Angeles, USA - 04 May 2017

❤"The best thing to hold onto in life is each other." -Audrey Hepburn ❤

A post shared by Kate Hudson (@katehudson) on

I recently just wondered out loud why bomb movie star Goldie Hawn was making her acting comeback in a fiery hot garbage Amy Schumer movie. I’m willing to forget that for now just to talk about Kurt & Goldie getting Hollywood starred. I’ve been known to be somewhat of a curse when talking about long term Hollywood couples that I love (Ben & Jen, Joshua and Diane, etc.) but actually how cool is it that these two have been togets over 30 years in the cesspool that is Hollywood where relationships go to die. HASHTAG GOALS. Also, completely unrelated but definitely needs to be addressed…why is Quentin Tarantino so disgusting?


Who rolls up to a nice ceremony wearing a cutoff hoodie, jeans, and I can only assume shoebies because that’s to be expected with that getup. WTF, Q? Pull your shit together for one thing. Here’s Reese Witherspoon and Kate Hudson to give an eloquent speech in their formalwear, oh and here’s a homeless man we pulled off of the streets who looks like he smells like old cheese. Look at him straight lurking in the background behind Reese like someone who was walking by chugging from a brown bag and decided to photobomb this pic.


Alright I guess I’m done bullying someone who makes 1 trillion more dollars than me just for existing. HAVE A GOOD WEEKEND YA’LL!


Ed Sheeran – Divide


I decided to start The Salty Ju after I wrote an aggressive track by track review of T. Swift’s 1989 one fateful October day when I was unemployed. I then sent it to my friend and forced her to read in full. And I thought to myself, WHAT IF I FORCED OTHERS TO READ MY THOUGHTS?! And thus, The Salty Ju was born. It’s a beautiful story, really. It brings a tear to my eye as I’m recounting it right now. That also could be because of the heavy rotation of Ed for the past few days but that’s neither here nor there. Since I love Ed just as much as I love Taylor, I felt like it was absolutely necessary to bring this feature back for your listening pleasure. Because what ruins an album more than reading what’s going on in my brain during each song? Nothing. Nothing, I tell ya.

1. Eraser. Ed snuck this one out a week before the CD was released and I was like MEH it’s no Castle on the Hill or Shape of You but after listening to the entire album, I immediately regretted shitting on this song. It’s a classic rap/singing combo deal from Ed but what makes it a great is that he pronounces Eraser like A Razor. It makes me think of the day I learned via twitter that if you say “rise up lights” it sounds like an Australian saying razor blades. That made for a lovely family Christmas dinner sounding like a bunch of assholes. Accents are fun.

2. Castle on the Hill. I started every single day with this song when it came out. Couldn’t kick off the day without imagining Ed doing his first kiss wrong and being puke free since 93. Instant mood changer. I’d like to say that my youth was also full of sneaking cigs and spirits in a lush green English field but like, realistically my friends and I sat around the family kitchen table, ate Doritos and took quizzes on Sporcle until 2 AM. THE GOOD OLE DAYS.

3. Dive. Ah, love song Ed. Or rather, love song mixed with a hint of sassiness. Seriously don’t call him baby unless you MEAN IT, BITCH. This is hot on the heels of Perfect for my favorite slow jam on Divide.

4. Shape of You. This bangarang was the perfect single to pair with Castle on the Hill because that gave me all the driving feels and this made me want to hit up the club and Jersey turnpike all over the dance flo. Yin and yang.

5. Perfect. Divide’s  version of “Thinking Out Loud” was immediately my fave. It almost got real messy at my desk when I gave it the first listen at work and had to choke back tears. It would’ve been pretty awks if someone had come over and asked me to do something and I responded in between sobs, I DON’T DESERVE THIS, YOU LOOK PERFECT TONIGHT. Thank God I keep my headphones in at all times specifically so no one speaks to me from approximately 9AM until 5:30PM.

6. Galway Girl. If there’s one thing to tak away from this album it’s that Ed’s really kicking up the Irish jig numbers this time around. This one rocks real hard and I wish when I was in Galway I could’ve Irish stepped to this with a Guinness. Instead I bought a $50 “authentic” Irish rugby shirt, walked 2 feet out of the souvenir store and saw the same one for $17. I know, I know. Americans are stupid and uncultured. But whatevs, I could totally play a fiddle in an Irish band. I basically did when I got drunk in Ireland. Everyone loves Americans there. In case you haven’t caught on yet, I’m about to try and make every one of these songs about me. You’re welcome.

7. Happier. Ok so admittedly this song is real sad. But that just means Ed knows how to make a bangpiece mixtape. ALWAYS sneak in a sad number after an upbeat one. It’s how you keep the balance. What a sweetheart he is being happy for this hoebag who left him even though he still loves her a lot. He is far, far more mature than I ever will be.

8. New Man. Yaassssss! This song is living proof that people with an English accent can say WHATEVER they want and it will sound classy. Eyebrows waxed and his asshole bleached? Yes, ok. The only gripe I have with this song is that if you’re going to toss around comments about a bleached asshole you damn well better not bleep out the F word. Go balls to the wall, Ed! I hope whoever this song is about replies with “AND I LOVE MY NEW ASSHOLE!” Side props for Ed admitting to InstaG creeping. Stars, they’re just like us.

9. Hearts Don’t Break Around Here. This is supposed to be a beautiful love song and he compares their love to a pothole in the first few seconds. Weird approach. I mean the song’s good, don’t get me wrong. But “shakes my soul like a pothole” really throws me off every damn time.

10. What Do I Know? I think this is the only song on the album that I don’t like. It will probably get skipped 99% of the time. It’s too J.May’s “Waiting on the World to Change” vibes for me (which also gets skipped every single time.) I don’t need to hear about how your song will cure the stock market crashing. Stick to singing about love and breakups and bleached bholes.

11. How Would You Feel (Paean). I don’t really understand who Paean is but a song kicking off with “you are the one, girl” is a quick way to get me to like it. Yeah, yeah it’s another mushy love song but like THEY’RE ALL SUH GOOD. Kid makes a living singing first dance songs and I respect the hell out of it.

12. Supermarket Flowers. Holy shit this one is depressing AF. Don’t listen to it unless you want to contemplate life and death. According to my superfan of a BFF (who googled it the second she first heard the song), this was written about Ed’s grandma from the perspective of his mom. So like, his mom didn’t die, his grandma did. Either way, singing about dead people going home to heaven and how sad you are is a real downer all around. Gotta be prepared for that kind of sad, like watching The Fault in Our Stars.

13. Barcelona. Ed does it again! Gets the tears rolling then brings it right back up with this Latin flava. How cultured is Ed that he can gracefully go from an Irish brogue to speaking Spanish all on one CD? Yeah it’s kind of jibberish when he tosses out “Drinking Sangria, mi niña, te amo mi cariño.” That’s like me saying, “Hola, margaritas, senorita” while shaking some maracas in a sombrero…but A+ for effort anyway.

14. Bibia Be Ye Ye. This is absolute nonsense. All I ask is that every singer I love make lyrics that I can easily learn and sing along to, so that I may properly perform a solo concert while driving. This is getting really tough when you shove made up sounds into the chorus of a song. Whatever, it’s still a banger. I forgive you, Ed. I’m still going to crush this live.

15. Nancy Mulligan. Another fun Irish snippet—I’m guessing about how Ed’s grandparents met? I’m just spitballing here, based on the lyrics. Gramps Sheeran sounds like a real badass though. Her dad was like no you don’t have permission to marry my daughter and he was like eh, F it–let’s go down by the Wexford border and do the damn thing. Between this jam and Galway Girl, I’m about 2 seconds away from booking a trip that I can’t afford to Ireland. I won’t (seriously, Dad, I won’t book another vacation I can’t afford) but I WANT TO.

16. Save Myself. Kind of a low point to end on, if I were producing I probably would’ve ended on ole Nancy Mully, but wut3v3r. I guess it’s more of a wistful life lesson to take away. LOVE YOURSELF. I don’t know, I’m trying to see the positive in this one but it’s kind of hard when he’s droning on about drinking and taking prescription pills. Get your head out of your ass and save yourself, Ed.