JUice

Weekly JUice

Week of 5/1/17

1. SHE PLAYED THE FIDDLE.

This video is everything. The song itself made me want to go back to Galway and the video just hammered it home. I TOO WOULD LIKE TO IRISH STEP AND THROW DARTS IN A BAR WITH A LIVE FIDDLE. Props to Ed for just rolling around Ireland with a camera and acting like he wouldn’t get recognized by fans. What a sweetie.

2. Live with Ryan.

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Knowing how much of a diva Kelly Ripa is this is the worst move Live could’ve ever made and I refuse to believe she was on board with it. Ryan Seacrest dominates everything that he does. I’ll never understand it because he’s suuuuuch a wiener but give Ryan Seacrest an inch and he’ll take a mile. Kelly who? She’ll be bumped by Sweeps.

3. Babybabybabybabybabayyyyyy.

Well this is just about the most adorable announcement ever. I mean the caption is a little queer but that photo is perfection.

4. Niall has Slow Hands.

Gone are the days when Niall had braces and was the most awkz bird of 1D. Look at how sultry that photo is. He’s so grown up and all about those dirty suggestive lyrics. “Slow, slow hands, like sweat dripping down that dirty laundry, no, no chance I’m leaving here without you on me.” WOOOOO. Niall comin in HAWT. I’m down with it. Gotta be brutally honest and say that Niall is winning the solo debut right now. Two out of two straight bangers from him–who would’ve thought?

5. Goldie & Kurt 4eva.

Goldie Hawn and Kurt Russell honored with a star on the Hollywood Walk of Fame, Los Angeles, USA - 04 May 2017

❤"The best thing to hold onto in life is each other." -Audrey Hepburn ❤

A post shared by Kate Hudson (@katehudson) on

I recently just wondered out loud why bomb movie star Goldie Hawn was making her acting comeback in a fiery hot garbage Amy Schumer movie. I’m willing to forget that for now just to talk about Kurt & Goldie getting Hollywood starred. I’ve been known to be somewhat of a curse when talking about long term Hollywood couples that I love (Ben & Jen, Joshua and Diane, etc.) but actually how cool is it that these two have been togets over 30 years in the cesspool that is Hollywood where relationships go to die. HASHTAG GOALS. Also, completely unrelated but definitely needs to be addressed…why is Quentin Tarantino so disgusting?

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Who rolls up to a nice ceremony wearing a cutoff hoodie, jeans, and I can only assume shoebies because that’s to be expected with that getup. WTF, Q? Pull your shit together for one thing. Here’s Reese Witherspoon and Kate Hudson to give an eloquent speech in their formalwear, oh and here’s a homeless man we pulled off of the streets who looks like he smells like old cheese. Look at him straight lurking in the background behind Reese like someone who was walking by chugging from a brown bag and decided to photobomb this pic.

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Alright I guess I’m done bullying someone who makes 1 trillion more dollars than me just for existing. HAVE A GOOD WEEKEND YA’LL!

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Music

Ed Sheeran – Divide

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I decided to start The Salty Ju after I wrote an aggressive track by track review of T. Swift’s 1989 one fateful October day when I was unemployed. I then sent it to my friend and forced her to read in full. And I thought to myself, WHAT IF I FORCED OTHERS TO READ MY THOUGHTS?! And thus, The Salty Ju was born. It’s a beautiful story, really. It brings a tear to my eye as I’m recounting it right now. That also could be because of the heavy rotation of Ed for the past few days but that’s neither here nor there. Since I love Ed just as much as I love Taylor, I felt like it was absolutely necessary to bring this feature back for your listening pleasure. Because what ruins an album more than reading what’s going on in my brain during each song? Nothing. Nothing, I tell ya.

1. Eraser. Ed snuck this one out a week before the CD was released and I was like MEH it’s no Castle on the Hill or Shape of You but after listening to the entire album, I immediately regretted shitting on this song. It’s a classic rap/singing combo deal from Ed but what makes it a great is that he pronounces Eraser like A Razor. It makes me think of the day I learned via twitter that if you say “rise up lights” it sounds like an Australian saying razor blades. That made for a lovely family Christmas dinner sounding like a bunch of assholes. Accents are fun.

2. Castle on the Hill. I started every single day with this song when it came out. Couldn’t kick off the day without imagining Ed doing his first kiss wrong and being puke free since 93. Instant mood changer. I’d like to say that my youth was also full of sneaking cigs and spirits in a lush green English field but like, realistically my friends and I sat around the family kitchen table, ate Doritos and took quizzes on Sporcle until 2 AM. THE GOOD OLE DAYS.

3. Dive. Ah, love song Ed. Or rather, love song mixed with a hint of sassiness. Seriously don’t call him baby unless you MEAN IT, BITCH. This is hot on the heels of Perfect for my favorite slow jam on Divide.

4. Shape of You. This bangarang was the perfect single to pair with Castle on the Hill because that gave me all the driving feels and this made me want to hit up the club and Jersey turnpike all over the dance flo. Yin and yang.

5. Perfect. Divide’s  version of “Thinking Out Loud” was immediately my fave. It almost got real messy at my desk when I gave it the first listen at work and had to choke back tears. It would’ve been pretty awks if someone had come over and asked me to do something and I responded in between sobs, I DON’T DESERVE THIS, YOU LOOK PERFECT TONIGHT. Thank God I keep my headphones in at all times specifically so no one speaks to me from approximately 9AM until 5:30PM.

6. Galway Girl. If there’s one thing to tak away from this album it’s that Ed’s really kicking up the Irish jig numbers this time around. This one rocks real hard and I wish when I was in Galway I could’ve Irish stepped to this with a Guinness. Instead I bought a $50 “authentic” Irish rugby shirt, walked 2 feet out of the souvenir store and saw the same one for $17. I know, I know. Americans are stupid and uncultured. But whatevs, I could totally play a fiddle in an Irish band. I basically did when I got drunk in Ireland. Everyone loves Americans there. In case you haven’t caught on yet, I’m about to try and make every one of these songs about me. You’re welcome.

7. Happier. Ok so admittedly this song is real sad. But that just means Ed knows how to make a bangpiece mixtape. ALWAYS sneak in a sad number after an upbeat one. It’s how you keep the balance. What a sweetheart he is being happy for this hoebag who left him even though he still loves her a lot. He is far, far more mature than I ever will be.

8. New Man. Yaassssss! This song is living proof that people with an English accent can say WHATEVER they want and it will sound classy. Eyebrows waxed and his asshole bleached? Yes, ok. The only gripe I have with this song is that if you’re going to toss around comments about a bleached asshole you damn well better not bleep out the F word. Go balls to the wall, Ed! I hope whoever this song is about replies with “AND I LOVE MY NEW ASSHOLE!” Side props for Ed admitting to InstaG creeping. Stars, they’re just like us.

9. Hearts Don’t Break Around Here. This is supposed to be a beautiful love song and he compares their love to a pothole in the first few seconds. Weird approach. I mean the song’s good, don’t get me wrong. But “shakes my soul like a pothole” really throws me off every damn time.

10. What Do I Know? I think this is the only song on the album that I don’t like. It will probably get skipped 99% of the time. It’s too J.May’s “Waiting on the World to Change” vibes for me (which also gets skipped every single time.) I don’t need to hear about how your song will cure the stock market crashing. Stick to singing about love and breakups and bleached bholes.

11. How Would You Feel (Paean). I don’t really understand who Paean is but a song kicking off with “you are the one, girl” is a quick way to get me to like it. Yeah, yeah it’s another mushy love song but like THEY’RE ALL SUH GOOD. Kid makes a living singing first dance songs and I respect the hell out of it.

12. Supermarket Flowers. Holy shit this one is depressing AF. Don’t listen to it unless you want to contemplate life and death. According to my superfan of a BFF (who googled it the second she first heard the song), this was written about Ed’s grandma from the perspective of his mom. So like, his mom didn’t die, his grandma did. Either way, singing about dead people going home to heaven and how sad you are is a real downer all around. Gotta be prepared for that kind of sad, like watching The Fault in Our Stars.

13. Barcelona. Ed does it again! Gets the tears rolling then brings it right back up with this Latin flava. How cultured is Ed that he can gracefully go from an Irish brogue to speaking Spanish all on one CD? Yeah it’s kind of jibberish when he tosses out “Drinking Sangria, mi niña, te amo mi cariño.” That’s like me saying, “Hola, margaritas, senorita” while shaking some maracas in a sombrero…but A+ for effort anyway.

14. Bibia Be Ye Ye. This is absolute nonsense. All I ask is that every singer I love make lyrics that I can easily learn and sing along to, so that I may properly perform a solo concert while driving. This is getting really tough when you shove made up sounds into the chorus of a song. Whatever, it’s still a banger. I forgive you, Ed. I’m still going to crush this live.

15. Nancy Mulligan. Another fun Irish snippet—I’m guessing about how Ed’s grandparents met? I’m just spitballing here, based on the lyrics. Gramps Sheeran sounds like a real badass though. Her dad was like no you don’t have permission to marry my daughter and he was like eh, F it–let’s go down by the Wexford border and do the damn thing. Between this jam and Galway Girl, I’m about 2 seconds away from booking a trip that I can’t afford to Ireland. I won’t (seriously, Dad, I won’t book another vacation I can’t afford) but I WANT TO.

16. Save Myself. Kind of a low point to end on, if I were producing I probably would’ve ended on ole Nancy Mully, but wut3v3r. I guess it’s more of a wistful life lesson to take away. LOVE YOURSELF. I don’t know, I’m trying to see the positive in this one but it’s kind of hard when he’s droning on about drinking and taking prescription pills. Get your head out of your ass and save yourself, Ed.

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JUice

Weekly JUice

Week of 2/13/17

1. Baby, baby, bayybayyyy*.

(*to be sung in K-Ci & JoJo voice, pls)

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Everyone in Hollywood is pregnant basically. Yonce and George Clooney going for twins. Now Jeets announced that he knocked up his wife Lindsey Hannah. And then my favorite adorbsies country couple Thomas and Lauren Rhett announced a double whammy that she’s pregnant and they’re adopting a baby from Africa. (so basically also twins.) I can’t keep up. So many pregnancies so many opportunities for beautiful babies to be named something stupid. I can hardly contain my excitement. Also Hannah Jeter WOULD look like a preggers smoke. AND know how to write a touching article. Girl can do it all.

2. Happy Birthday, Ed

What a giver. It’s his birthday and he’s gifting US with new music. I love him even more with each and every day. This slow jam is no Thinking Out Loud but I still ❤ it and will listen to him soulfully croon for the rest of the weekend.

3. Love Actually is terrifying.

They announced a Love Actually 10 minute short for Red Nose Day this year. I didn’t really think anything of it. Love Actually is a phenomenal Christmas movie of course but I wasn’t yearning for a follow-up. Feel like they kind of tied that up neatly with a bow and an unrealistic airport montage at the end. So anyway it slipped under the radar until I was scrolling through twitter last night business as usual and I saw this picture and almost threw my phone across the room in terror.

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As it turns out, the creepy looking kid who wanted to play the drums to impress little miss Mariah Carey wannabe grew up to be an even creepier looking adult. COUNT ME OUT for this reunion.

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4. These Are Their Stories.

And then that happened… Just when I thought Valentine's Day was over.

A post shared by Mariska Hargitay (@therealmariskahargitay) on

LIV AND STABEZ TOGETHA AGAIN. I didn’t know that I wanted this for Valentine’s Day until I saw it. What a dynamic duo. Liv with the compassionate heart, Stabler with a little muscle and irrational anger. What better team to throw rapists in the clink? Good to see these two love each other in real life. Keeps the SVU dream team alive even though Stabler up and quit the show.

5. Oh, Adam You’re So Kewl.

Not really sure why Adam Levine suddenly needs street cred but making a video about dropping acid at a rapper’s house seems like a little much. Sweet acting though. Rolling your eyes at making an appearance at Future’s party means you deserve to be served a roofie colada. This song is dece. Mostly I just had a rough time finding a #5 this week. So props to you, Adam for trying to stay relevant now that you’re a dad and making the cut.

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Music, Television

Grammys 2017 Recap

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Since I can’t go like five minutes without voicing my opinion, I’ve decided to round up a quick recap of last night’s Grammys. Why? Because if I have to sit through 15 hours of television, I reserve the right to dissect every single thing that happened as if I am an expert on all things awards shows.  So in no particular order, here are the top five things that happened last night when I turned 35 watching a bunch of celebrities sing on TV.

1. I’m on Hiatus from the Hive.

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Just like every other basic bitch in America, I love Beyonce. She’s super rich, puts out bangers, and kind of scares me a little bit. Well, I’m also real enough to admit when she’s doing too much. Telling her husband to suck on her balls and stop cheating on her via song? Funny and cool. Wearing a gold headdress and doing an entire performance with children laughing and a recording of your own voice whispering a speech? Creepy AF. Performing her most snoozeworthy songs chopped up with her talking about women and moms while she sits like a robot on a tipping chair was enough. Even Blue was like ok, mom, wrap it up. After those weird pregnancy announcement photos I was on the fence and then everything she did at the Grammys last night tipped me over the edge. I’m using this platform to announce to you all that I’m taking a break, Ross and Rachel style, from the Beyhive. Will I be back the minute she sneezes those babies out? Obviously. But for right now I think it’s time that we see other people.

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2. John Travolta is still oblivious.

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It seems like we drag up Johnny T every year to collectively have a laugh at his expense at a major awards show. We’ve had him stroking out over Idina Menzel at the Oscars and then trying to get in on the joke the year after. Last night it was a pleasure to watch him and his diamond chainz read off of index cards because the teleprompter type isn’t big enough for his old person eyes. I want to believe that he’s self-aware and knows everything he does is weird but at the same time I know in my heart that John thinks he’s real life Danny Zuko, cool as a cucumber while all of Hollywood makes fun of him. And somehow that makes it better.

3. No Red Sox Fans in Hollywood. 

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We all knew it was coming, but I don’t think anyone expected it to be this awkward. Like Ellen’s Oscar selfie, it’s always a bigger host win if they can get as many famous people to play into a bit as possible. Unfortunately for James, I don’t think he anticipated not one single person knowing the words to Sweet Caroline. Even Neil Diamond was struggling and they were all clearly reading the lyrics off of a teleprompter. They didn’t even nail the SO GOOD, SO GOOD, SO GOOD and drunk people in a bar can crush that! It was such a trainwreck that even Blue Ivy bopped over to see what all the fuss was. Apparently she thinks that just because she was born into the Illuminati she can crash a carpool karaoke sesh and then not sing when the mic is given to her. She better learn to start hamming it up real soon or she’ll be forgotten as soon as these twins are born.

4. Rihanna likes to party. 

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We always need someone in the audience to watch and although CBS wanted it to be Keith Urban with the amount that they panned to him grooving out, the real winner was Rihanna and her booze. If I had to sit through that awards show and look entertained with cameras on me you better believe that I’m gonna be tossing back shots from a diamond flask. At one point she literally goes, I think it’s time for another shot. I almost wished I was drinking last night so that RiRi didn’t have to do shots alone. I am nothing if not a polite social drinker. Never let your friend take a solo shot, that’s my motto.

5. Adele is Queen.

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Adele snuck right up to being my favorite person at the Grammys last night. At first I was like ok, Hello is the oldest song ever I don’t need to hear it again. But then she pulled a boss move by casually stopping her George Michael trib, tossing around a couple of F bombs and declaring a redo. It makes me love her even more knowing that she has a garbage can mouth because I don’t know if you know this about me, but I too appreciate a good swear word and if world class singer Adele can pull that shit and get a standing O, THEN SO CAN I. (Mom and Dad- pls remember that the next time I accidentally swear in your presence.) Anyway, Adele then went on to win all of the awards and slobber all over Beyonce in the process. Quickest way to make sure Beyonce fans don’t instantly hate you? Declare in your acceptance speech that Beyonce should’ve won and that’s obvious. Adele is always one step ahead.

Bonus: Ed working that loop like nobody’s biz. It’s no Castle on the Hill but I accept.

 

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JUice, Uncategorized

Weekly JUice

Week of 1/30/17

1. We Have All Been Blessed.

In the most Beyonce pregnancy announcement since the time she unveiled a baby bump mid-VMA’s performance, we have learned that two more lil Jay-Z clones will be entering this world. Because of course they’re having twins. I’m going to ignore the whispers about these not being Hova’s kids cause Lemonade and instead focus on the fact that I went off the deep end with this announcement. After being scooped thrice on New Years’ Day, I saw this Instagram post on Wednesday and immediately sounded the alarms to everyone I knew, hoping to break the news. I was 3 for 3 and riding the high of alerting my friends of the news just a mere 12 minutes after she posted it and I didn’t want to come down. I even texted my dad, who could literally care less about Bey and Jay just because I wanted one more W. He didn’t respond. Whatever. Either way, we learned a very valuable lesson: Beyonce is a blue satin ruffled panty wearin Queen. Just kidding, we already knew that. The real lesson is that celebrity gossip makes me foam at the mouth and I won’t apologize for it.

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To top it off and make sure everyone was really talking about her until the end of time, Bey waited a day and released the rest of the photos from her profesh maternity shoot. If we’re being honest the one she posted was the only acceptable one and I would have preferred she kept the others locked up for no one to ever see.

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Click here if you want to see the rest at your own risk.

2. Ed’s Beach Body.

Ed released his second music video in two weeks and even though I hated every minute of this, especially when we were treated to several closeups of a Sumo wrestler’s buhhole, gotta give credit where credit is due. Ed is lookin fierce with his new trim bod.

3. Is Obama…hot?

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Obama just retired from the most important job he’ll ever have and now he’s ready for some bro’in out on Richard Branson’s island. A little beer pong, a little Chainsmokers and apparently a lot of backwards hat time. This is conflicting for me. I’ve gone on record saying guys are 100x hotter with a backwards hat but like, I wasn’t really factoring our President into the mix with that statement. Is he hot? Is he mortifying his college aged daughter with his island vibes? (yes and that’s obvious.) I’ll leave it up to you to decide. Hang Ten, Barack.

4. Sharpay Goes Acoustic.

Who knew that the girl who scream sang “I Want It All” in a sparkle dress could break it down? This stripped version of Toxic with her hipster Steve Howie-lookin hubby was a nice surprise.

5. So Does Zayn.

Undie Slushie.

 

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JUice

Weekly JUice

1/6/2017

2017 started with a bang for me when my best friend scooped me on three stories before I even got out of bed on New Year’s Day. I dropped the ball on that one and it was a rough start to the new year because if you know me, you know that nothing feels better than being the first to announce gossip to someone. It’s a warm fuzzy that can’t be beat. But anyway, some of this is Sunday news but I’m going to report it like it’s fresh, because even though I got scooped I still want to yap about it.

1. THE GINGE IS BACK!

I’ve been chomping at the bit to get new Ed & Tay and his comeback to social media for the announcement nearly killed me. A cryptic “new music Friday” video followed by teasers every day was just too much to handle. Finally when the 30 second snippet came out in the Snapchat filter Thursday night I was all in. In fact, I sat on my couch with the filter on repeat like I was Michael Scott crying to the preview of a James Blunt song  over and over after Carol dumped him. No shame in the game. ANYWAY. It was Christmas morning all over again when Ed dropped not one BUT TWO singles this morning. Hot damn. And they’re both amahhhzzzing. More, more, more, moreeee!!!!!!

2. LC JR.

Happy New Year! I have a feeling 2017 is going to be the best year yet…

A post shared by Lauren Conrad (@laurenconrad) on

I’m not exaggerating when I say that LC’s pregnancy got me more excited than my own sister’s pregnancy. That’s probably because my sister is my favorite drinking buddy and LC isn’t, but whatevs. Regardless of the family drama I just probably caused, LC announced with a flawless ‘gram (seriously peep that glitter mani) and I am counting down the months until she posts pictures of her little nugget dressed to the nines like a baby fashionista.

3. Tilikum Has Passed.

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Terrible news in the celeb death circuit again. Another star gone 2 soon. Tili was featured in the most depressing and real AF doc Blackfish. Sea World has murdered our beloved friend by keeping it captive in a tank instead of letting it swim free with all it’s fishy friends. Let’s send Tili out the only way I know how…rest in peace you precious angel. Soar into heaven like you’re flopping over the rock wall to escape the greedy humans.

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4. BOOOOOOOM, Boom, AC’s Got Another SLAM, SLAAAM.

I didn’t think I needed new Aaron Carter tunes in my life until I watched this video and couldn’t look away. He is wearing a full face of makeup while he sings about some girl’s panties on his bed. Will it ever top the classic, That’s How I Beat Shaq? Of course not, don’t be preposterous. But if I’m ever feeling down on myself I know that all I need to do is fire up the Fool’s Gold vid and see how AC makes a comeback from his days two-timing Hilary Duff and Lindsay Lohan while cranking out hits. Spoiler alert: he does it by playing piano on his arm.

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5. Let’s All Laugh at Mariah.

Not much happened after New Years this week so let’s take this moment to properly appreciate the hot mess express that was Mariah’s NYE performance. Girl, we all know you’re going to lip sync, it’s Times Square…at least stop talking during it and give us a shimmy or something. This was worse than the last time she murdered a live performance, RIP All I Want for Christmas Is You. But don’t worry, it was an inside job. Dick Clark sabotaging performances from beyond the grave. Either way, the best way to start off a fresh year is always by laughing at the misfortune of others, so thank you for this. Brought America together.

BONUS: 

Still got that range… Grizz took the L. All good though… bounce back!!!

A post shared by Justin Timberlake (@justintimberlake) on

Is there anything he can’t do? Answer: No.

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Music, Television

Grammy’s 2016 Recap

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I’m not really sure when it was exactly that the Grammy’s turned into one giant tribute but it was so aggressive that I actually questioned if it was the Eagles playing their own songs or someone covering the Eagles in honor of Glenn. (Clearly I don’t know my classic rock bands.) They even tossed in a Lionel Richie tribute while he WATCHED front row. Hey…Lionel’s alive! And able to come onstage…let’s cool it with the memorial for his music. Anyway, here are the highs and lows of last night’s 5 hour situation.

NO:

-LL Cool J is the host and I forgot that he hosts every year and it’s the worst moment of my life realizing I have to watch that Kangol speak and probably say “knock ‘em out L, KNOCK EM OUTTTTTT.” At one point he tells everyone to hit him up on Instagram. Ok, L.

-Everyone in Taylor’s squad RSVP’ed “maybe”? The only one who showed up was Selena. What a lame turnout. Related side note: they really cut back on audience cams of Taylor dancing. What gives, CBS? (Thanks for pointing out this super embarrassing handshake of hers though…)

-Legitimate question, do you think Selena cried every time Tay won because she knows she’ll never win a Grammy with her garbage can pop hits and skanky vids? (Or was she just trying to fill the BFF and boyfriend void because apparently no one could make it?) Just wondering.

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-Turns out I didn’t know any songs by Lionel Richie but seriously how nerve-wracking is that to perform his hits with him judging in the front row? Luke stuck out like a sore thumb trying his hand at easy listening (and NOT shaking his ass), and Lionel literally had to get up there and be like k, move aside dipshits, I got this.

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-Gwen Stefani got paid a bajillion doll hairs by Target to do a “live music video” commercial where she used a lot of body doubles and didn’t fall down rollerskating SO WHAT’S THE FUN IN THAT?

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-Hamilton the musical gets a sideshow performance from NYC. I hate to sound like an uncultured a-hole, but leave the musicals for the Tony’s. I’m not down with sneaking theater into the mix like I won’t even notice. I NOTICED.

-Gaga dresses like Bowie and lets spiders crawl over her face via green screen. YAY nightmares. (PS this is totes a performance dads would like, as in my dad, because he wouldn’t let me talk trash about Gaga during the SuperBowl and also he’s old and therefore liked David Bowie.)

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– A 12 year old plays the piano while Common and the old white guy who’s at every awards show bop along awkwardly. This could have been a metaphor for the entire evening.

-Biebz Part 2 with Skrillex & Diplo was roughsicles. I commend them for kicking things up a notch with a little percussion but pitch-wise it was terrible. Even worse? We didn’t get one reaction from Selena. I will personally hitch a camera on my shoulder and film the audience next year if that’s what it takes to create a little drama at the Grammys.

-Hey guys, Johnny Depp’s in a band now with Alice Cooper and they’re tearing it up old guy style with a lot of eyeliner. It was embarrassing and weird and I could’ve done without it. #WhenDadJokesTurnIntoDadBands

-Pitbull closes out the night with Sofia Vergara dancing as a boxed taxi and Robin Thicke trying REAL hard to make a comeback. Oh and Keith Richards played guitar. DALE?! (My next door neighbor’s 6th birthday party was car themed and everyone had to wear a box car and visor around his backyard all afternoon. What’s your excuse, Sofia?)

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YES:

-Taylor opened with “Out of the Woods” and the most entertaining part was when she strutted through the crowd (catwalk style, obviously) and no one knew what to do. Clap, guys. Applaud her jazz hand theatrics.

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announcertay

Ladies & Gentlemen, please welcome to the 1989 Stage…THE GRAMMYS!

-My dad may have created “Bye Felicia” but I have diamonds!!!!

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-Carrie Underwood threw a curveball and let her vag hang out onstage for a steamy performance with Sam Hunt.

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-Ariana Grande introduced the Weeknd and apparently thought she was auditioning for a one-woman variety show on Nick. No one laughed, which in turn, made me laugh a lot.

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-Demi bringing down the house with a cover of Hello and the sexiest biz casj I ever did see.

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-Stevie Wonder’s sparkle shirt with camo jacket and NEON gym sneaks. I spent too much time while he sang with Pentatonix wondering if he was trolling us because no seeing person would purposefully dress themselves like that BUT THEN he bullied everyone for not being able to read Braille. WHAT A BUNCH OF IDIOTS WHO CAN SEE HAHA. YOU’RE ALL SUCKERS WHO HAVE EYES THAT FUNCTION. Keep doin you, Stevie.

-James Bay and Tori Kelly duet a mash up of “Hollow” and “Let it Go” and it’s buttery smooth. It would be kewl if I could hire them to sing me a lullaby every night before bed.

-Kendrick Lamar does a little ditty about black injustices complete with prison bars, shackles, & a large fire that scares all the white people in the crowd. It was probably the most entertaining thing of the night to see 0.0 white crowd reactions. (Especially so hot off the heels of everyone realizing that Beyonce is black.)

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-It sounded like the Biebz might have been slangin some voice lessons when he did “Love Yourself” acoustic in a jacket he borrowed from Sammi Sweetheart. Then he promptly smashed his guitar and it was an omen for the remainder of the performance. #BadBoyLife

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-1989 wins album of the year and Taylor takes a big giant dump on Kanye’s face.

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YEAH THAT’S RIGHT. BURN CITY: Population, KANYE.

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