Movies, Television

Golden Globes 2016 Recap

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Our first Golden Globes post the Tina and Amy era and they were sorely missed. They weren’t even physically there to at least give us a glimpse of what we were missing. Ricky Gervais is famous for hosting the Globes a whole bunch of times and then getting fired because everyone had outrage over how mean his comedy was. And he certainly welcomed himself back without toning it down an inch last night. His first joke was about Caitlyn Jenner not doing a service to female drivers. Welp, someone actually died in that car accident so I’m gonna guess this one won’t go over so well but what a nice kickoff to the evening to see the uproarious crowd laughter for something so offensive. His monologue had a lot of jabs at females all around and he gave more than a few celebs the uncomfies. Good for him. His tendency to giggle at his own jokes and his British accent pretty much get him out of everything.

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Full Discloszh: this recap may be missing a few things because my power went out mid-show like I live in a cabin out in the wilderness or something and I missed some action while the cable box slowly rebooted. The hardships I go through just to deliver a good recap. If the power tries to F with me again during Awards Season, National Grid is going to hear a thing or two from me.

Update: As of 11:21pm my power left me again only this time I was by myself and obviously convinced that someone cut it and was coming to kill me like I was Peyton Sawyer awaiting the wrath of Psycho Derek or something. #Blessed to be alive right now.

NO:

-The first bit of the night is Jonah Hill pretending to be the bear from The Revenant by making dumb jokes about honey while wearing a bear hat. It was bad on its own, but then half of it was bleeped out so what’s the fun in that? The only saving grace was hearing Channing “shitty comb over” Tatum ask Jonah what Leonardo Dicaprio tasted like.

 

-Rachel Bloom, lead actress of CW show “Crazy Ex-Girlfriend” unexpectedly wins and basically just gets onstage and shouts a lot while her boobs struggle to be freed from her very tight dress. In a one-sentence summary, my friend Lindsey said, “That was something.”

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-The Golden Globes have been happening for a while now. In which case I would assume they have had ample time to solve the seating chart sitch. There should be no waiting as winners walk from the back of the theater and weave their way through tables to get to the stage.

– Lady Gaga and Taylor Kinney just had sex on a canvas and blasted pics of it everywhere but it must not have been that good because she didn’t even thank him in her speech. She was speechless though so that’s her excuse (as the music played her out.)

-It must’ve been a real rowdy crowd this year or someone in the control room got a little slap happy with the bleep but pretty much half of the show was cut out and the crowd was constantly being shushed like a classroom full of kindergarteners. Listen, I get that you’re trying to be family friendly but there’s a way to let the adults in the room insinuate what the joke is by bleeping out a word or two. I feel like I missed half the show (or at least the best parts) because of the over-censoring.

 

YES!:

-This dead guy.

-In a show where several presenters kind of just babbled and tried out new material that didn’t work so hot, Eva Longoria and America Ferrara nailed it with their bit about being confused for other Latina actresses. Accidental racism in Hollywood, it’s funny because it’s true.

-Jaimie Alexander (who was best dressed of the night, according to me) couldn’t read the teleprompter fast enough and asked who was typing it. This conjured up images of someone ferociously typing everything backstage and made me giggle. Also as a fellow shitty teleprompter operator–c’mon Jaimie. Act like a pro and adapt.

-A Schu & J. Law introduce clips of their movies AKA they just babble a bunch of words because Hollywood–and basic betches–are obsessed with their friendship so they could’ve pretty much done anything and people would eat that shit right up.

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-Will Ferrell and Mark Wahlberg wished us a Happy New Year with their eyewear and Will politely asked everyone to stop snickering and chatting & acting like real buttholes. This might’ve been the only time I laughed out loud. Quickest way to get a full belly laugh from me is the word butthole. True story of an eight-year-old boy stuck in a 24-year-old female’s body.

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-Don’t you even think of getting in Gaga’s way, Leo.

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-Denzel wins the big award that is decided beforehand and his acceptance speech is still a hot mess. Bonus points for him and the wifey basically doing a sketch of my parents onstage though. He can’t find his speech, then he can’t read it because he doesn’t have his glasses. His wife can’t read it either because she doesn’t have her glasses. Welcome to the glasses shuffle every single time I try to show my parents something on my phone.

-Ryan Gosling drool city.

-Taraji wins for her role as Cookie and hands out cookies on her way up, which made me love her even more AND get real hungry. The sass comes out to play as she shouts at the guy helping her up the steps to get off her train. They try to play her off but they gonn’ learn that you don’t cut off Cookie. She takes her sweet ass time obviously.

-J.Law wants to be buried next to David O. Russell (Fun Fact.)

-LEO FINALLY WINS!!!!!!!! Always the bridesmaid, never the bride, Leonardo Dicaprio wins lead actor for The Revenant and of course gives a classy and composed speech, even as he’s being played off. The nerve that these turds had to play music over his long-awaited shining moment. He even found time to shout it out to his friends—~~YoU KnoW wHo u R~~ MD.BA.JL.JH

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-I feel like Ricky Gervais harassing Mel Gibson on stage should’ve been hilarious but we didn’t get to hear half of it. We did get to hear Ricky’s last words of the show: “From myself and Mel Gibson, Shalom.” PS this is what was bleeped and it made good ole Mel real uncomfy.

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In summary: If the Globes were this boring, I’m terrified for the Oscars.

Click here for full list of winners.

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JUice

Weekly JUice

Week of 12/14/15

HEAVY video week. Hope you have headphones at work 🙂

1. Fuller House Sets the date!

After teasing at this show for months and months salivating over what characters would come back and where to set our expectations…we finally have a short trailer and release date. Look, I went into this reallllll nervous with PTSD flashbacks to the Boy Meets World-Girl Meets World transition. But Netflix knew that. And so they tugged right at my heart strings with the Miranda Lambert song and flashes of the iconic house. There’s even a Comet 2.0. Now I’m amped. February 26th can’t come soon enough. (If you want to get even more excited, check out my blog about what characters NEED to come back HERE.)

2. 1D Gives us 1LastGift. 

Before going on hiatus for (ever?) a while… 1D gives us the gift that keeps on giving here. Everyone who reads my blog knows that James Corden could do carpool karaoke with a rock and it would be my favorite thing ever made. Obviously he’s been trying to squeeze his way into the band for some time now and this was no different. Props for his rap segment. Also sucks to suck for the double L sandwich in the backseat. With the amount of greasy hair flipping that Harry did in addition to wailing every high note I’m gonna guess it’s not gr8 to be roadtrip buddies with him. Harry rides bitch like nobody else. Ain’t nobody gonna stop him from shining.

3. Jason Derulo is Magic Mike.

I know that music videos aren’t that hip anymore and not a lot of people like watching them but if you don’t watch 30 seconds of this and walk away impressed by Jason’s dance swag then we can’t be friends. I saw him live this summer (fo free, yasss) and he put on a SHOW. He didn’t stop moving the entire concert and it was beyond impressive. It didn’t hurt that he took his shirt off and flaunted those washboard abs either but whatevs. That’s why he’s Magic Mike IRL. I can always appreciate a fresh dancer because my moves begin and end with a side step and a head bop.

4. Will Ferrell as New Santa.

It’s been a while since we’ve had a Fallon clip on the JUice and it seemed right this week. Will Ferrell is constantly popping up on the show in weird costumes and doing random bits but this one made me giggle a little. As a “modern” santa (that gives off Guy Fieri vibes), Will talks about his love of Smashmouth while he fires off a t-shirt gun. Oh Santa, you’re such a bruh.

5. WOOK AT DA WITTLE BABIES.

A normal Friday Night Lights throwback pic is the best of the best. An FNL throwback pic where Riggins is wearing a silk shirt haphazardly buttoned? Game changer.

BONUS: Merry Christmas from the most beautiful Royals ever to exist.

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 Have a nice weekend. Something, something, May The Force Be With You…

JK go see Sisters this weekend.

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Pop Culture

Top Ten Vintage YouTube Vids

I reunited with my high school besties this past weekend and it brought me back to being 16 years old and staying up until 2am watching stupid videos online and giggling. As you might have concluded, we were really cool and popular. But this got me reminiscing on the days when YouTube was fresh on the scene and one poorly-made video would be quoted for the rest of high school. Let’s revisit the top videos that shaped my introduction to the wonders of the internet for ole times sake.

1. Shoes/Muffins

Shoes was obviously the more popular but I’m more of a Muffins gal myself. There’s something about doing a stupid voice for Cahtoon Muffin that can still make me laugh out loud. Plus it remains relevant for quoting, like when I abruptly brought back the terrifying ending to this video during the blood moon a month ago. Also I just re-watched shoes because it had been a cool 6 years since I’d last seen it and distinctly remember multiple people saying “I’m gonna betch slap you, shetbag” as an actual insult when this came out. High school was a weird time. Double also that video is really yikes city…maybe just watch Muffins. PAPAH CLIP.

2. Love Letters

You could say that this comedian Liam Sullivan owned the internet back in 2006. I never even realized this was him until right now though, you know because he’s not wearing a wig and being creepy. This one was an odd video that my best friends and I latched onto real hard. It gets inapprops for a minute (then again I don’t even want to know what teenagers today are watching) but actually vegetables pretty much do taste like despair. Sincerely, America.

3. Can I Have Your Number

MadTV was weird because they had a lot of up and coming comedians on it, but they rarely got attention because like, SNL…ya know? However, this skit and Bon Qui Qui spread like wildfire and gave us a world of stupid phrases to repeat. They also did a scary accurate parody of Laguna Beach (obviously vital to high school pop culture) called Laguna Biotch that I had to be convinced Kristin Cavallari didn’t play herself in because it was so spot on, AND Ike Barinholtz (The Mindy Project, Neighbors) played both Jason and Talan in it. But anyway, not to get sidetracked, finding out this character Daryl–pronounced Darelle– was actually a female rocked my world.

4. Homestar Fluffy Puff Marshmallows Commercial

Homestar Runner was an odd animated creature that had his own website of short videos including a random collection of friends who would guest star. My sister and I frequently visited this website for giggles, specifically taking a liking to his friend named the Poopsmith. We were really mature for our age. This video was his most famous…I KNOW can you BELIEVE it?!

5. The End of the World

I don’t remember LoLing a lot to this one but it did create WTF, mate?! which was trendy AF to text to people using T9 word on my enV.

6. Boys Will Be Girls

Say it with me now, our diet starts tomorrow. Obviously this is supposed to be a crack at a typical girl hangout except that these dudes have clearly never met me because I would rather eat a bagel I dropped on the ground to savor it than throw half in the trashcan. This came about in my college years and it showed that my humor had really matured (not.) I also recommend Secret Santa and Hipster Thanksgiving by the HST sketch group. Although to be honest I shared Hipster Thanksgiving with the fam before turkey one year and it was crickets city, so clearly not for everyone.

7. Grape Stomp

I love how at the beginning of this video a popup appears that says find out what happened to the grape stomping lady…ummm I assume she went into hiding? Like there’s no way to recover from this. Essentially the first viral video in internet history was at the expense of this lady acting like a real turd on live television and humiliating herself. Does that stop me from laughing every time I see it? No it does not. Falling will always be hilarious, and I welcome people to laugh at me when I take a digger. Fortunately none of mine have been recorded and immortalized on the world wide web.

8. Doglover199709

I’m mostly putting this up because Doglover199709 was a sensation in my early webbin’ days and this is a plea for her to come back and show us what she’s up to now. I have SO many questions. Did she end up with a lighting job after they saw her light switch flipping skills to the beat of Disturbia? Does she still live in that same lime green bedroom? Do Jonas Bros posters remain on the walls untouched like a temple? Are her weekends full of shutting her bedroom door and choreographing dramats dances that her parents probably didn’t know she was uploading for the world to see? I need Doglover199709 back in my life. Hit me up, girl. PS her youtube name is 100% what we all did with our first AIM screenname…take something you like and add the year you were born to it. Unfortunately for me, basketjay91 was taken so I had to settle for basketjay45. I was such a baller.

9. The Landlord

Unfortunately the only version I could find to embed was censored, LAME SAUCE. But this skit was genius and still holds up today because toddlers walk like drunk people anyway so Pearl really embodied that role. Also if I ever do have children I 100% plan on exploiting their cuteness to advance my career and/or make millions of dollars from a viral video. That’s the reason you have kids, right? GIMME MY MONEY!!!!

10a. Whistle Tips

My brother in law showed me this one like 6 years after the fact but I’m so glad he did because where else do you find a newscast where a guy named Bubb Rubb screams WOO WOOOOOOOO over and over again. I commend this station for five star journalism.

10b. Bed Intruder

I’d like to think that Whistle Tips paved the way for this number, which is why they’re together on this list. Antoine Dodson became famous from literally saving his sister from getting raped and then sassing about it on television. Ah, remember the days when every video was turned into an Autotune song? Thanks, T-Pain.

 

BONUS: Dom Mazzetti

(This is an after-publish add, because I remembered my boy Dom and was pezzed at myself for not including him in this fire flames list.)

Dom and his Jersey-accent mockery of everything young adult basically got me through my college years. In fact, he did a European tour that I missed by a mere few weeks when I was studying abroad and my friends and I were crushed that we lost out on the opportunity to party with D to the O-M. His web series is full of hilarious videos but this one about resumes is my favorite and often one that I watch every time I give my resume a tune-up (which is more than I’d like to admit.) I’m guessing that if my re-zoom outlined my dunking skills and a fake GPA, I would have a job right now.

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JUice

Weekly JUice

Week of 6/8/15

1. You get a reality show, you get a reality show, YOU ALL GET REALITY SHOWS. Apparently this was the week of oh, you’d like to be relevant again? Here’s your own show. Nick Lachey and Drew Lachey will have a show called “Raising the Bar” about the two of them opening a bar in Ohio. More famous bro helping out less famous bro open business… Wahlburgers knock-off, anyone?

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Ja Rule is going against my strongly worded advice to start popping out more bangers with Ashanti and instead doing a show about his family on MTV. Snooze. No one wants to see you be a dad, Ja…everyone wants to hear about you doing dirty things to Ashanti in a classic rap song.

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And finally Rev Run and Tyrese will be starting up a talk show based off of their love/relationship advice book Manology. I’m not proud of the fact that I read most of Manology. PS I spent about 40 minutes at work trying to find a tweet from 3 years ago with a RIDICULOUS Tyrese quote from this book and failed miserably…So instead I’ll leave you with this gem of a quote from the book: “A real woman is a freak in bed. A chef in the kitchen. A therapist during hard times & a coach when you’re off your game.” Oh, ok that’s all we need to be? Easy peasy.

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2. The Kristen Wiig/Will Ferrell Lifetime movie is happening. And you bet your bottom dollar I’ll be watching. This teaser is RIVETING.

3. TV reunions GALORE at ATX. This is a festival in Austin, TX that is known for rallying TV casts and hitting up everyone’s nostalgia. This past weekend had a Gilmore Girls reunion/panel, a mini reunion of some of the Friday Night Lights cast and a table reading of a Dawson’s Creek episode (not read by the original stars..which is weird…gimme more Pacey). Anyway my little TV obsessed heart near exploded at all of the goods. Here’s some pics. Gilmore Girls is really doing the circuit so I wouldn’t be surprised at the announcement of some type of reunion in the works…it also needs to be said that Luke is WOOOF now. So disappointing. There was much debate about Team Dean, Team Jess or Team Logan (FTR, I’m team everyone BUT Dean. What a wiener.) And Hep Alien did a little show as well.

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Stars of FNL who played Mindy & Billy Riggins and Tyra Colette got drunk and joked about a reunion and everyone took it too seriously. Texas Forever.

4. Holly Madison airs Playboy Mansion secrets. Holly is releasing another book and basically shitting all over the Playboy mansion. Ever since the Girls Next Door reality show I’ve NEEDED to know about how 3 girls under 30 think it’s aok to share a 90 year old man. Holly described the nightly routine of getting ready for bed and then each getting a turn with Hef where it was over as quickly as it had begun and it soookeedd. (As one would imagine sex with a grandpa would) She also hated her life and couldn’t wait to be released from the Heffinator’s clutches as #1 GF. Yiiiikkezzzz. This is barely news, but I found it interesting nonetheless. Does Hef still have sex slaves, I mean girlfriends? Is Hef still alive?

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5. Relationship Goals. Life Goals.

Sorry this week was lame for news. Hope this makes it better. If it doesn’t, we shouldn’t be friends.

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