JUice

Weekly JUice

Week of 9/14/2020

1. Guard That Pu**y.

guardthatpu**y

Touchy subject in the #MeToo era of Hollywood is the leakage of nudes. I remember back in 2014 when the “Fappening” occurred and there was a widespread anonymous celebrity nude hack, my entire family sat around the dinner table rating the quality and creativity of nekkid photos. Since most of those were chick photes, I feel it is important to point out that I’m an equal opportunist when it comes to released b-day suit pics. When Orlando Bloom went balls out on a paddleboarding sesh, I also giggled at that and sent it to everyone I know so that they had the pleasure of receiving an unexpected dick pic from me. When Tiger Woods had that weird shirtless photo bopping around with his puffy nips, I zoomed in and sent that to everyone I know too. What I’m trying to get at here is that not only am I a perv and NOSY as hell, but I like to bring others down with me. When Chris Evans started trending on Twitter the other night and I realized it was an oopsie nude, I dug deep into the bowels of the internet to get my grabbers on this pic. Here’s what happened…Chris posted an instagram story of family game night via a screen recording from his phone. A lesson for all novice screen recorders, that shit will capture everything on your screen THUS THE NAME. Apparently he had his camera roll open and the last second of the video got a snag of what he’s got saved in there. The first piece was this meme that I’m sure someone made and he thought was funny with his face and “Guard that Pussy”. At least I hope with all of my heart that he thought it was funny and didn’t un-ironically send that to a lady friend because if anyone ever seriously sent me that even a Guardian of the Galaxy himself, my bits would be drier than the Sahara. Fingers crossed it’s all in good humor. And then snipers also feasted their eyes on a very artsy dick pic from ya boy. I will not be reposting it because as inapprops as my language is and no matter how revealing a celeb is on the red carpet, we don’t dabble in porn pics on The Salty Ju. I will, however, describe this pic to the best of my ability and let your imagination recreate it in your mind’s eye or you can be an adult and google it yourself. Below is the cameral roll with the d*ck p*c blurred out:

chrisevans

It essentially was a super closeup peen shot, black and white style. Anyone who goes so far to put a classic inkwell filter on your junk is trying to be Picasso. Look, girls have a lot to offer when it comes to the world of nudes. Our bodies are sexy and we’ve got a lot of different parts to work with. Guys just have their junk. And you know what? It looks the same in every picture. No matter how you prop it, it’s a wiener. I appreciate Chris for attempting to spice things up with his dick pic but whether it’s black and white or not, it’s still an eggplant emoji and if sent on a random Wednesday afternoon, chances are the recipient will be disgusted. Sorry guys, I’m here to speak the truth. Since I just dumped all over dick pics in general, I will say that he had the kind of wiener that looked like it was carved from marble. Real smooth peen. Again, could be the filter but it definitely wasn’t anything to be ashamed of. Which is why…he spun it like the PR maven that he is…First he tweeted this:

Then he went on Tamron Hall and faced the music via Zoom. Whatta guy. Chris Evans will forever be known for spin-zoning his nude into a political convo to get people to vote. Should he be the next Pres?

2. YOUTHS, EVERYWHERE!

There’s a lot of these videos from the world trying to relate to Gen Z and the TikTokker’s and I typically hate all of them. I hate Gen Z a lot but having out of touch oldies make fun of them just makes us millennials look worse. I’m trying not to get bullied by people who are ten years younger than me making millions off of online vids, be cool everyone. But then LOVABLE AF Paul Rudd came along and made this video possible. In his stupid yellow sweatsuit dancing it out and using all of the garbo phrases youths use like yeet & no cap & dank & fam. He even added a tasty guitar lick to keep it spicy and a callback to one of his most adorable moments with “hey look at us.” Do I hate the fact that Governor Cuomo had anything to do with this because he’s a tryhard confusing old man sex symbol who wants youth approval? Yes 100%. But do I love the fact that Paul Rudd called him Cuomz? Yes 100%. I’ll let this slide because it’s the Ruddster and he can do no wrong. Also because youths are stupid as hell and the more we point it out *fingers crossed* they’ll become self aware and stop bullying millennials online for being old and out of touch because IT HURTS OUR FEELINGS, OK?

3. BB’s.

Baby Bloom

I’ve gotten to the point where there’s so much freaking baby news each week that I’ll just be combining it into one “headline” because babies are a real snoozefest and yet I feel obligated to report on them. First up we have Taylor Swift’s gift to Katy Perry & Orlando Bloom’s newb. It’s not enough that Taylor wrote a whole album during quarantine, she also has to be one of those artsy people who just whips up a hand-embroidered silk blanket as a baby gift. Gawd that’s annoying. Next we have Chrissy Teigen “accidentally” revealing that she’s having a boy with a social media video. Make no mistakes, pre-recording a video and posting it on several social media platforms is not an oops unless it’s an artsy dick pic. Stop playing dumb, Chrissy–we know you’re an internet pro.

A pregnancy announcement from Ashley Tisdale–her first child. And on the opposite end of the spectrum, Taylor Hanson, 1/3 of the genius that is MMMBop is expecting his seventh child. SEVENTH. THERE ARE GOING TO BE 7 KIDS IN ONE HOUSEHOLD. WUT. My vagina shuddered at the mere thought of that. 

And finally my friend tried to fake scoop me (punishable by face tat, start picking out your mug art, Kat) that Gigi Hadid had her baby which resulted in a very lengthy analysis of just how many months along she actually is because it seemed FAR too soon for labor–I even involved my mother who reminded me that Jessica Biel had a baby and no one even know she was pregnant, which just got me re-annoyed that she’s married to Justin Timberlake and I’m not. BUT ALAS, false alarm…baby still in belly. In fact we were #blessed with several bump peeps this week from the Hadid clan. First from Bella who showed just how out of touch she is with this world by calling washboard supermodel abs a “food baby” –pro tip for Bella, if you can roll the waistband of your size double 0 jeans you are anything but bloated…and then from Gigi herself giving us some ANGLEZ to prove that this creature has yet to enter the world regardless of her dad posting poems for it on Insta.

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from about 27 wks 🥺💙 time flew

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4. Cardi B & Offset Get the Big D.

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I guess even the wettest of P’s still can’t hold a man down. Your downstairs could be a waterfall and you could be a certified freak seven days a week and your rapper husband will still be dipping his paw in some other chick’s honey pot. Girl better dance that WAP on over to someone who appreciates it. HEYYYOOOOOO.

5. That’s Hot.

I took the liberty of watching the Paris Hilton documentary so that you don’t have to. Don’t say I never gave you anything. The doc was created to reveal that Paris had a trauma early on in her life that basically shaped everything and how she presented herself to the world. She was sent to a behavioral correction school out in Utah as a teen because she loved partying and wanted to get into the fashion scene and her parents wanted better for her. It turns out this place thrived on mentally, physically & sexually abusing their “students.” Paris kept all this locked up until recently when she decided to do this doc and reach out to a group of girls who went through the same thing she did. Overall I’d say it was interesting to see a lot of public things that Paris did through the new perspective knowing that she was abused for several years when she was forming her identity. She admits that most of her relationships have been abusive, even showing paparazzi photos where she has bruises all over her body. Obviously she touches on the sex tape and how she was coerced into it by her first real boyfriend who she was trying to impress. And probably the most interesting tidbit of them all, Paris is Keyser Soze. She’s secretly brilliant and has been putting on this dum dum “That’s Hot” act ever since the early 2000’s. In her child slavery schools she was forced to clean so acting like she didn’t know what a sponge was in “The Simple Life” was pure acting talent. Her normal voice octave isn’t breathy and moronic. Bitch has been playing the media for decades and has made billions off of it. Watching this unfold throughout the documentary leading up to the point when one of her former fellow students pointed out that she was a physics brainiac in school was the moment when Keyser Soze loses the limp at the end of the movie (spoiler alert). Glass shattered. Paris is smarter than us all. Speaking of being smart I also watched the Netflix doc The Social Dilemma this week (yes that’s right, I have full range in my doc viewing) and I recommend it to anyone who doesn’t suffer from anxiety and social media addiction. Cause that B blew shit wide open when it comes to the social media age and how it’s ruining our society and the AI and algorithms that are specifically created to know our every want, need, mood & otherwise and prey on it. YIKES ON BIKES. THE WORLD IS ENDING. PARIS HILTON IS A SECRET GENIUS AND THE INTERNET IS OUT TO GET US. DOOM DOOM DOOM.

BONUS: It’s video time, baybay. First up we have this guy Mike known for his sarcastic and hilarious 60 second classics where he breaks down scenes or entire movies (mostly from the 90’s). As an avid fan of 90’s classics, I personally enjoy his videos and this one was posted this week that had me in tears. For all fellow 3 Ninja’s stans…listen to him break down their RIDICULOUS schoolyard hoopz challenge. *Goes full rocketeer and sends that cheese to the moon*

Next up we have a collection of new beats/videos that premiered today. Brett Eldredge covered Billie Eilish’s Party’s Over. I’ve always loved this song and after hearing Brett hold the note in One Mississippi live a few years back, I know he’s got pipes and I love that he covered this. Kinda weird to put the audio over concert footage of him bopping around clearly singing a different song but whatevs. Then a song that is basically just a remix (I don’t at all understand DJ’s and how they can basically release a “brand new song” that’s been around for 30+ years) but it features the “IT” couple from Outerbanks so if you’re thirsty for some John B content, I aim to please. And lastly, a new drop from Bieber who seems to have been very busy in quarantine creating new music and this is quite a deep vid. What a tale he weaves with this Holy beat.

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JUice

Weekly JUice

Week of 8/24/20

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1. BeeeeeBeeeeee’s. 

 

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Welcome to the world, Daisy Dove Bloom! We are honoured to introduce Goodwill Ambassadors @KatyPerry and @OrlandoBloom’s new bundle of joy.⠀ ⠀ “We are floating with love and wonder from the safe and healthy arrival of our daughter,” Katy and Orlando told us.⠀ ⠀ “But we know we’re the lucky ones and not everyone can have a birthing experience as peaceful as ours was. Communities around the world are still experiencing a shortage of healthcare workers and every eleven seconds a pregnant woman or newborn dies, mostly from preventable causes. Since COVID-19 many more newborn lives are at risk because of the increased lack of access to water, soap, vaccines and medicines that prevent diseases. As parents to a newborn, this breaks our hearts, as we empathize with struggling parents now more than ever.⠀ ⠀ “As UNICEF Goodwill Ambassadors, we know UNICEF is there, on the ground, doing whatever it takes to make sure every expecting mother has access to a trained health worker and access to quality healthcare. In celebration of the heart we know our daughter already has, we have set up a donation page to celebrate DDB’s arrival. By supporting them, you are supporting a safe start to life and reimagining a healthier world for every child. We hope your ♥️ can bloom with generosity.⠀ ⠀ Gratefully-⠀ ⠀ Katy & Orlando.”⠀ ⠀ Please tap the link in our bio to support the most precious gift: a healthy child.

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ForEver grateful for this true blessing💙

A post shared by Lea Michele (@leamichele) on

A LOT of baby-related news this week. Like my ovaries are rusting from within and it’s just baby city up in Hollywood. At least it’s proof that some couples still like each other  so that’s always good! I also must give credit where it’s due, my bestie has the ultimate scoop edge by living on the west coast and therefore getting breaking news while I’m fast asleep. I woke up Thursday morning to texts from her scooping me on Katy’s birth and updating me on Lea’s child’s name. Proud of her for taking advantage of the time difference. Scoop never sleeps. Katy and Orlando AND Lea and Zandy (eye roll) jumped RIGHT on that current celebrity baby announcement trend of black and white hands/feet grasping. I’m so over this. 0 points for originality. Someone needs to shake this up FAST. If the only news we’re going to have each week is a divorce or a baby, we need a little creativity with the announcements OR WE RIOT. Now onto the names. Daisy Dove is exactly what I would’ve expected from Katy. Double D’s. Just kidding. I don’t hate it but I’m not in love with it either. I’m comfortably indifferent. First time for everything. And as for Lea…Ever is stupid. I’m sorry but that’s not a name that’s a declaration. OUT on Ever. NOW…. onto the real rant.

 

I’ve got a bone to pick with Brie here. Obviously they’re going for the B theme. Brie, Bryan, Birdie, Buddy. That’s obnoxious as hell but whatever, I get some families are real into that. The real issue here is this little bud’s middle name. It is DESSERT. HOWEVER she clarifies in the above post it’s pronounced DESERT. THESE ARE TWO COMPLETELY DIFFERENT WORDS WITH COMPLETELY DIFFERENT PRONUNCIATIONS AND COMPLETELY DIFFERENT MEANINGS. WHY WOULD YOU GO OUT OF YOUR WAY TO MAKE THIS 100000X MORE CONFUSING?! MAKE THE NAME DESERT IF THAT’S WHAT YOU REALLY WANT TO CALL IT. ESPECIALLY because you’re naming him AFTER an actual name. Was your nana’s maiden name DESSERT pronounced DESERT? If so, your ancestors are morons. I am FIRED all the way up about the stupidity here. You know how often kids confuse Desert and Dessert? A WHOLE LOT. You’re now PART OF THE PROBLEM. Ugh ok. I’m done. Obviously you knew once they announced twin pregnancies that this whole process was going to be People cover story material so I’m glad they didn’t make us wait too long for the unveiling. Nope, I lied. I’m not done. I read the article in People mag and I got annoyed again. First of all, they’re already nicknaming Matteo (God’s gift) to Teo, so whatever that’s fine, I didn’t expect them to really be calling their baby Matteo like he’s an astronomer from the 1500’s. But Brie’s daughter Birdie AKA Bir Bir has nicknamed her little brother Bud Bud. BIR BIR AND BUD BUD. Goodbye.

 

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Hi I’m Buddy 💙

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My life is so complete 🥰 @theartemc @people

A post shared by Nikki Bella (@thenikkibella) on

I’m back. THE BELLA BOYYYYZZZZZZZ! Matteo and Buddy!!!!! What’s hilarious to me is that they’re all about twinning and doing everything together and yet TMZ reported that Nikki put her house that she built and decorated for herself (pre-Artem convincing her to marry him and knocking her up) directly next door to Brie on the market. So that was a solid 9 months of being neighbors. Next season of Total Bella’s would be much more entertaining with them living in each other’s buttholes with their newborn cousin twins. I’m not a producer…but I should be. Don’t move, Nikki. Learn how to spell Desert, Brie. TYSM to all. Love ya suh much.

2. BeeeeeBeeee BUMP.

 

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growin an angel 🙂

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7.26.20 🕊

A post shared by Gigi Hadid (@gigihadid) on

 

At first Gigi was like I’m not posting about my pregnancy because there are more important things going on in the world and I want the focus to be on that. And then she apparently was like eh F it, this photoshoot is too good not to share. It is a pretty classy collection of bump photos. It’s not over the top with nudes but tasteful black and white silhouettes. Plus she’s an actual supermodel so I don’t really know if she can take a bad picture. Doesn’t detract from the fact that I feel like she’s a literal infant herself and this is 1000% an oops baby but at least it’s going to be a Vogue oops.

3. Aunt Becky Goes to “Jail.”

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Alright enough baby talk, let’s switch it over to the slammer. It was announced LAST Friday when I was thoroughly enjoying a Girl’s Day full of poolside cheese balls and adult bevvy’s that Lori and her hubs were “sentenced.” I use the term loosely because this has been a several year long process and has been built up so dramatically over time that we all knew there was only one outcome to this scenario, and obviously it’s the outcome that every rich person gets. A short stint in a cushy Hollywood jail that they will 1000% not complete. Lori got 2 months, her husband got 5. The chances that either of these turds serve those full sentences are SLIM. There was a headline about Lori being nervous about serving time amidst corona virus, as if she’d be put in a county jail swarming with people spitting on her or something. Listen, if Jeffrey Epstein was quite literally raping middle school students in Florida and running a pedo “massage” ring out of his mansion and got to leave jail to take his PJ out and about whenever he pleased on “work release”, I can guaranTEEE you that Aunt Becky won’t go to prison for paying her kids into college. That’s just not how the system works. They make a big F’ing deal out of this whole case and promise the judge is going to throw the book at them and I called bullshit from the start. No one will EVER make an example of a rich and famous person. Felicity served a month, Lori will serve a week or two and that’ll be all she wrote for the GREAT college scandal of H’wood. Honestly her getting cut from the never-ending Full House franchise probably hurts worse than a “jail” sentence. HAVE MERCY!

4. We Are All Old.

 

Cause Kevin McAllister told us we are. Seriously, Home Alone was made before I was even born, so don’t be tellin me I’M OLD OK KEVVVIIIIIINNNNNNN?!

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Oh jk, jk, he’s just doing his job. Everyone, relax. I love the fact that Macaulay recognizes that Home Alone was his defining career moment and that’s all we want to hear about from him and embraces it full-force. Also to relate it back to myself as I’m best known for doing, in Home Alone 2 (the superior Home Alone) when Kevin says “I’m 10 years old. TV is my life,” I’ve never related to a statement more except that it applied when I was 10 and also present day. I can honestly say that I’m 29 years old and I’ve watched so much TV in the past week that I have a literal back ache from how I was propped up on my bed/the couch. It all started last weekend when E aired every episode of Sex and the City followed by both movies. They called it something dumb like Sex all weekend or whatever and YES I ATE THAT SHIT UP. Even got my mom in on it as we pondered Aidan vs. Big and I scolded my mom for not remembering Berger who BROKE UP WITH CARRIE VIA POST IT NOTE. And when you start your week watching middle aged women talk about sex in Abu Dhabi, there’s really no rock bottom. So I binged my Housewives (#TeamBrandi, Denise is a cease and desist turd sandwich) and I tried Black Monday (not for me, sorry), watched all of High Fidelity on Hulu (100% must watch for Cherise who is a boss and might be one of my fave TV characters of all time. Wish she had more screen time.) I even went backward in time and saw Bridget Jones’s Diary for the first time–I allowed my curiosity for why this was such a phenomenon to outweigh my hate for Renee Zellweger. The movie stinks and I have no idea why they were compelled to make 3 of them or what was cutting edge about a thirty year old woman who drinks and smokes a lot (see: SATC series AND movies.) I discovered that my favorite Sophie Kinsella book Can You Keep A Secret was made into a low budget film that I assume was straight to streaming with Alexandra Daddario and Tyler Hoechlin. Also recommend for anyone who loves an awkward as hell rom com. And I even went so far as to sign up for a free trial of HBO (setting a reminder to cancel before they charged me an outrageous $15) so I could finally get my peepers on I’ll Be Gone in the Dark and subsequently ask my mom to close the door of the bedroom next to me so I can be sure the Golden State Killer wasn’t hiding in there waiting to rape and kill me. Good news, he was finally sentenced this week so we’re all safe from HIM but once you hear a phone call with heavy breathing and “I’ll kill you bitch”, there’s really no reassuring your fears. I also took it upon myself to rewatch Crash from 2005 with my free trial week. Turns out, a movie about racism and anger still holds up today… AND THAT WAS ALL IN ONE WEEK, FOLKS! YA THINK I NEED A JOB OR SOMETHING?! I mean, I just turned Mac’s birthday into a rant about how much television I consumed this week. If that’s not a talent, I don’t know what is. Felt like I needed to get that off of my chest. Plz feel free to DM me for more in depth reviews/rec’s of all of my consumption. Also, to bring it back to Mac…here’s Brenda Song’s loving bday tribute to him. I was literally shocked to be reminded that these two are dating. Seems like things are going swell though.

 

PS almost forgot to include that I watched this masterpiece last Friday and go right ahead and put it in the cheesy dance movie top 10 because WOOO what a masterpiece. Despite the fact that the lead character leaves frizzy hair in two solid chunks in her face for the whole movie and refuses to wear anything other than baggy khakis and chunky sneaks like she’s Working Girl and not a high school student in 2020.

 

5. MUSIC TIME!

Here’s the portion of the show where I don’t have enough headlines to yap about this week (or last…I double dipped) so I throw up some songs and youtube videos that brought me joy.

 

The Barden Bella’s came back to sing one of my all-time favorite Beyonce songs. Of course, I use the term sing suuuuuuuuuper loosely because all of them are 9000% lip syncing but whatever it’s all in good fun. Close your eyes and groove it out. Bonus points to Brittany Snow for working in a fan for Beyonce hair.

 

I’ve always loved Jaaaayyyyy-SuuuNNnnn DeRUUUUUUllloooooooo and this song is fun and the video has a whole lot to look at. But in a good way. Not in a WAP way.

Also, check out this 10 year old drummer who is cooler than I will EVER be.

 

BONUS: After a hiatus from the world of youths and never understanding what it is they’re looking for in snappy 50 second videos, I made my triumphant return to the Tok and have been posting whatever the hell I feel like posting and then watching in awe as the shortest & least funny video takes off in views and likes. Apparently there’s a real treasure trove of One Tree Hill fans living in TikTok world. Who knew.

 

 

@thesaltyju

When your #folklore CD comes a month after you ordered it with star confetti and NOT a personal cardigan from Taylor Swift herself. 🙄 ✌🏽

♬ exile – Taylor Swift

 

 

@thesaltyju

#Dance like nobody is watching. Or like your dad is doing an FB Live show and you want to show off your fresh moves while he tunes his guitar #sytycd

♬ Nominate – Stonebwoy

 

 

 

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Pop Culture, Uncategorized

Celeb-oween 2016

As per tradish, here’s a rundown of all the celeb costumes I could find — from offensive, to naked and everything in between. And of course, the winner of this year’s “accidentally racist” costume that they immediately needed to issue an apology for is…….

Casamigos Tequila Halloween Party

YIKES. Outta left field with that one! Didn’t expect sweet ole Hil (who dressed as a basic bitch black cat last year) to fall for this trap.

Also to be clear, every gossip site who described her getup as a “sexy pilgrim” costume should also be issuing apologies because there is nothing sexy about a pilgrim.

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Miss Piggy & Kermit. My OG @allymaki

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Colton Haynes has been creepin up on Heidi Klum as Halloween extraordinare but enough is enough. I understand that Miss Piggy as a character is a slutty pig, but that doesn’t mean we need to see her naked, playboy style. TOO FAR, COLTON.

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Ok last one I promise 🦄🦄🦄🦄

A post shared by Jenna Dewan (@jennadewan) on

This year’s unicorn costume SLAAAYYYYY.

https://www.instagram.com/p/BMIf0TsgX_S/?taken-by=nicolerichie

Enough time has passed since the incident for this to be ok. Hil, take notes. Getting mauled by a tiger? Give it some time and then ease back into it. Native Americans, on the other hand? Always a no.

No clue what this is supposed to be.

https://www.instagram.com/p/BMNB8iEDcRw/?taken-by=therealsarahhyland

Hey what’re you dressed as tonight? Fairy Queen of the Swamp.

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Tinkerbell is a spunky one ✨💫✨

A post shared by Candace Cameron Bure (@candacecbure) on

What a perfect costume for CCB. Prayers to whoever is rocking those giant feet next to her.

My fave couple killing it power ranger style.

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About last night 🤘🏻#CasamigosHalloween

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Fam Goalz.

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Creep like a Ninja

A post shared by Glen Powell (@glenpowell) on

Glen Powell, better known as Chad Radwell with my favorite costume of the year. HI-YAHHHH.

Always a good time to throw it back to Alfalfa.

Whoa.

https://www.instagram.com/p/BMLMmcBBjtg/?taken-by=scoutlaruewillis&hl=en

WTF IS THIS?! I’ve never wanted to unsee something more.

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have you ever seen a more "why me?" face 😭

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Needs more flair

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Baby Luna CRUSHED Halloween. See Chrissy’s insta for no less than 1000 pictures of the little nugget modeling different costumes.

Speaking of nuggets, here’s ole smooth moves over here as Marty McFly.

As always, winners of the fam costume.

 

ariel-winter3

And so we begin the “friendly” portion of Halloween. Playboy bunny from someone who I wouldn’t be surprised to see a sex tape from in 2017.

bellathorne

You know how cowgirls love to wear their lingerie with a bedazzled belt over it.

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I’m not following on this number for Julianne Hough.

SHE WORE THIS WITH HER CHILDREN. THEY ARE OLD ENOUGH TO KNOW HOW RIDICULOUS THIS IS.

xtina

I’m torn here. This is so spot on but like also tone it down with the skankwad costumes every year, girl.

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Thanks for showing us your nips.

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Ah yes, of course. “Santa”. If Santa had never seen a cookie in his life and also wore sparkly hot pants.

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It felt right to follow up the sexy anything segment of this blog with Mindy’s Cap Sully costume. Which of course, is the opposite of sexy.

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BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOK!

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Bey & Blue in an ode to Salt n Pepa

Celebrities attend Kate Hudsons annual Halloween Party in Los Angeles

Katy Perry upgrading from the time she dressed as a literal cheeto, to full-on Hil. Not sure why Orlando Bloom is Trump instead of Slick Willy. Pretty weird coups costume dynamic.

Casamigos Tequila Halloween Party

LC Queen of DIY Halloween with another banger.

"Matthew Morrison hosts his 7th Annual Halloween-Birthday Party Presented by Freixenet Cava and Podwall Entertainment at Hyde, Los Angeles"

Nina Dobrev’s “I’m a complete dope” face really completes this costume.

Casamigos Tequila Halloween Party

Real life Ryan Lochte went for terrifying this year.

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Is this a real rabbit because it is creepy AF.

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Zach Braff looks like a babe soda

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Stranger Things from Amy & her hot boyf. Truth bomb, that hairstyle doesn’t look unrealistic with Amy’s face.

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Only time will tell if everyone gets outraged at Kelly for dressing up as Beyonce. Seems like a touchy subject lately. Cough cough, Amy Schumer.

gma

Hard pass to Michael Strahan as Pikachu.

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Well this is, interesting.

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LEO! WHY COVER THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE OF YOURS?!

carsondaly

Nothin’ quite like dressing up as your younger self and realizing how old you are.

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Demi looks like a dime.

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Today Show tackled the 90’s, which of course I approve.

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Is this the first year Matt has dressed as a male character?

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Even the Today Show pup is killin it.

tamron

Seems a little early in the morning for a hooker costume, but whatevs.

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Did I doooooo thaaaaaattt?

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I cannot and will not stop laughing at Kathie’s Reg face.

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Jenna Bush mailing it in and “dressing up” as her Grandma.

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Ellen and a very low key Heidi Klum as Sia and Maddie. Tough look to have multiple Sia’s in the daytime TV world.

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I already posted a solo shot of Candace as Tink, but it’s necessary to look at the whole cast of The View. Did they not learn ANYTHING from Today Show’s abomination of Peanuts last year? CARTOONS DON’T WORK IRL. This is what nightmares are made of.

HAPPY HALLOWEEN.

End of the day update (since I guess people actually dress up ON Halloween…whatever.)

WAY better than the power rangers. Cause, Doodle.

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We get it, Mario. You’re ripped.

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Enough with the Trolls. The movie isn’t even out yet and JT’s been hawking it since May. Also, those feet.

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Saw a lot of Lochte but didn’t see any Phelps face and I ‘preciate this. Gabby on the other hand is SO four years ago.

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It’s not fair.

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Do better Tay. I mean, I get that you’re bragging that you know Ryan Reynolds by wearing the actual costume, but also the squad can do better than a bunch of basic costumes. Especially when you’re all rich AF.

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Channing COULD NEVER be the beast.

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Barbie dreams come true. But that second Insta Blue is CLEARLY like ok enough pics let’s go get some G-D candy now.

And for the big reveal…Heidi Klum’s infamous costume this year that she built up for FAR TOO LONG is

Taking a page out of Kimmy K’s book from last year, Heidi dressed up as herself then took it one step further and dressed up 5 other women like herself, complete with face prosthetics. Kewl.

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JUice

Weekly JUice

Week of 8/8/16

1. Dance Goals.

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We had to. #stepup10years

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Step Up is a top five dance movie that made us all believe that we will fall in love with a hunky piece of meat who can toss us around on the dance floor because Jenna and Channing got married. Well they’re keeping the dream alive by recreating the OG Step Up move 10 years later. I don’t ever want to imagine a life where these two don’t dance together every night. First with Lip Sync Battle, now with this, I’ll be disappointed if this isn’t a daily ritual.

2. Phelps wins 1 billion gold medals.

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Michael Phelps is like 100 and still blowing everyone out of the water (PUN INTENDED.) He may have become an internet meme for a hot second, but then he was hey Twitter, suck on my 22 Gold medals, BETCH. This is my sports coverage for the week…a picture of Phelps in da zone aka smelling a fart. It’s probably the best you’re gonna get unless you’d like my unfiltered opinions on Ryan “Jeah” Lochte’s hair (it’s dumb) and THE FINAL FIVE (they have eternal wedgies that make me tug at my own underwear as if I too have a leotard stuffed up my buhhole.) And THAT’s my Olympics coverage. GET ON MY LEVEL, BOB COSTA!

3. NSYNC reunites to remind us they’re old AF.

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JC's 40th… And, if you don't know now you know…

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I would give my left nip for a full-on N*SYNC reunion and this is what they think will satisfy us? A picture that Lance probably had to photobomb because he wasn’t asked to be in it, at JC’s 40th birthday party. FORTY. HOLY COW. Be older, JC. You can’t. Seriously if there can be a tour of Ryan Cabrera and O*Town this summer, then N*SYNC can hit the stage again. I don’t care if it’s half-assed, I mean you could literally start a Vegas residency just for “dancing” like Britney does, as long as you deliver the top N*SYNC hits, I’ll be there with bells on. What I realize now that I’ve typed this out is that I’d probably be fine with just like a bar playing N*SYNC’s discography on a Saturday night. But until then, we’ll always have this pic. Stay golden, JT.

4. Orlando Bloom and Katy Perry show us the goods. A week ago Orlando Bloom let it all hang for a casual paddle boarding adventure in Italy. I didn’t do the JUice last week, but if I did, I probably would’ve included the pic, mostly because it took me about 30 seconds to find the uncensored version and text it to everyone I know. Hey how’s it going? Here’s Orlando Bloom’s impressive D and droolworthy body. Obviously there was no reason for him to be ass naked when Katy Perry was fully clothed, other than the fact that he’s attractive and famous and he can. When in Rome (Sardinia) do as the Romans (Sardinians) do and take your dick out for vacation, I guess. ICYMI, here’s the censored version (that shadow though…) Since I don’t condone porning up my website you can turn to twitter for the full monty. Or my cell phone photos…

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Anyway, this week, Katy Perry was like hey I’ve got a set of tits that everyone probably wants to see, and she was probz feeling upstaged by the amount of attention her boyf’s little nudey row was getting, so she decided to spice it up for a pic. By showing her buttcheek. Really, girl? That’s all you got? STEP IT UP.

 5. JRodg pretending to be famous.

Hey guys, now that they can talk about it, JoJo and Jord are going to vomit their love all over social media. This includes the most awkward hover arm picture of Jordan and his “good Nashville buddy” Brett. No seriously, they’re really tight. Also JoJo looks like a smokeshow and I’m obviously bitter about it.

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