JUice

Weekly JUice

Week of 8/3/2020

1. STEEEEEEEE-PHENNNNN.

 

View this post on Instagram

2004 or 2020?!

A post shared by Kristin Cavallari (@kristincavallari) on

People were buzzing about Jay’s chickens and his newfound insta fame and that took WAY too much attention off of Kristin and she needed to bounce back in a big way. This was a BIG bounce back. And also, the MOST obvious reach I’ve ever seen. Obviously these two bozos are not reuniting a dysfunctional teenage love. This snuggly pic was calculated AF and it’s just like the time The Hills producers told LC to invite Stephen to her housewarming party when the show was getting a little snoozy to spice things up and give viewers a reunion to ship. They teased that Stephen comeback for weeks and made all of the dodo birds that LC lived with ask her in-depth questions about her past with Stephen and if she thinks him coming to her housewarming will rekindle their love affair. It was ALL this buildup for a real friend zone ending. Stephen went right back to ruffling LC’s hair and calling her buddy. BONER KILL. Obviously I’ve always been over-invested in reality TV..but here’s the thing: Kristin removed herself from reality TV and therefore cannot use their storylines to boost public opinion of her. Also, these two STUNK as a couple. Stephen was always sneaking off to be with LC and Kristin was fo shiz banging whoever looked at her. Plus, let’s never forget Cabo.

cabo

 

Doesn’t matter how I feel about this PR move though…all that matters is how Jay feels and he went right ahead and deleted his Instagram. And honestly that’s the worst outcome that could’ve ever happened. Jay was a rising star on social media and was really coming into his own with content. And he let two little Laguna bitch asses ruin that for him. SCREW YOU STEPHEN AND KRISTIN.

2. THE BELLA BOYS.

I had originally predicted that these two would give birth on the same day (I assumed with the whole twin thing if one went into labor the other would feel the pains thus triggering their own labor…science) and you know what, I WASN’T FAR OFF! One day apart is basically the same day and wouldn’t you know it THEY BOTH HAD BOYS. Cue them trademarking the Bella Boys for future merch and business opportunities. Although these two are technically cousins, there’s no way they don’t grow up basically twinnies. I mean they live next door to each other and they’re one day apart. And those identical announcements?! I mean, come on. I assume their names will be unveiled in an equally as PR way and I’m chomping at the bit to hear them. Let it also be known that Brie posted her insta first and I was literally hawk-eyeing Nikki’s insta and having seen that she hadn’t posted in 3 days I KNEW she had her baby too. That’s the definition of UNWELL in celeb social media creepin. Proud of it, babe.

3. Burn City, Population: Megan Fox.

 

You know it’s been a slow news cycle lately when I’ve reported on Megan Fox and Brian Austin Green MULTIPLE weeks now. At first this was a super tame celeb breakup (probably because they’ve done it once before) but now the drama is heating up and I’m HERE for it. After Megan Fox started boning MGK and blabbed last week about how he’s her twin soul, it seemed like the gloves were off for Brian Austin Green. He was casj at the beginning of the week, saying in an interview that he found out about the two of them on his own and has tried to avoid social media because he doesn’t want to see or hear about it. He even reassured people critiquing her parenting that she’s a great mom and just happens to be shooting a movie right now. WELP. No more peace. Above is a post from Megan slobbering all over her new boy toy. Below is Brian AG trolling the shit out of it. Guess he’s no longer avoiding social media!

 

View this post on Instagram

Achingly beautiful boys…… My heart is yours

A post shared by Brian Austin Green (@brianaustingreen) on

BOOM. ROASTED. Love a good petty post-breakup caption and this is perfect. Also kinda contradicting everything he said about her being a good mom but whatevs. And not for nothing, but get those kids into the modeling game stat–dreamy eyes and luscious locks will get them everywhere in life.

4. The Bachelorette DRAMA.

Screen Shot 2020-08-06 at 11.10.35 PM

 

Ever since I quit this circus cold turkey, I’ve observed from afar and noticed that fans haven’t become any less rabid for the orchestrated drama that floats around every season. This season in particular has been a doozy as it was halted for COVID, then BLM became too loud for racist ABC to ignore and they plucked a black guy who was supposed to be on the season that had started filming to name as the next Bachelor, then they started filming Clare’s season again and now apparently they’re bringing in a different Bachelorette to take over. Rumor has it that Clare found love immediately, didn’t want to play the game and tongue any other guys for TV so she refused to keep filming and they had to tap in a second girl to finish out the season. And IF that’s true, HOW OUTRAGEOUS. You’re already suspending belief by showing everyone two people who fall in love and decide to get married over two months of being in an open relationship and now you wanna tell us she did it EVEN FASTER THAN THAT?! Get the hell out of here with that fresh garbage. Either she was already communicating with this guy and he had a head start or we start betting on when they break up cause I AIN’T ABOUT TO FALL FOR THAT. Let it also be written in stone that this “hook” will not make me tune in to her season. I feel like I lost years off of my life when I used to watch every week, mostly because they put about 25 solid mins of content into a 2-3 hour episode every Monday. Nothing proves that more than these “Bachelor GOAT” seasons they’ve been doing. This is where they show an “abbreviated” season over a 3 hour span. If you can give us the gist of a whole season in 3 hours THAT TELLS US RIGHT THERE THAT YOU’RE FLUFFING WAY TOO MUCH. If ABC ever dropped the act and decided to just give us the meat and none of the lettuce, I’d consider tuning back in. But until then, I’M OUT.

becca

PS: This is also hitting the airwaves this week in Bach world…DUH these two broke up…Becca publicly spoke out against Garrett’s tribute to cops amidst the Black Lives Matter movement and said she doesn’t know where their relationship stands. Politics, man. Taking down whirlwind reality TV romances and also the rest of the world.

5. HOLLYWOOD IS ALL REMAKES.

Since Hollywood is the LEAST ORIGINAL group of MF’ers on this planet…yeah that’s right…I said it…here’s what’s being rebooted this week. We’ve got a reboot of Who’s the Boss (this was before my time) but they’re essentially doing EXACTLY what Full House did. The main character played by Alyssa Milano will be raising her own kids with Tony Danza playing grandpa. Sounds riveting. And Dirty Dancing has tapped a sequel where Jennifer Grey will have a role and executive produce. SO WHAT WAS DIRTY DANCING HAVANA NIGHTS? Or the made-for-TV musical starring Abigail Breslin? Stop with the remakes, dudes. SERIOUSLY. Also, I hate to be the one to remind everyone but Patrick Swayze is dead. We bringing back his Ghost in holograph form orrrrrr? Obviously I’m fired TF up because maybe JUST MAYBE there’s fresher ideas that we could be executing here but instead the “talented” brains in H-Wood keep going back to the well and retelling stories that were told in the 80’s and 90’s over and over again. Or making internet videos of celebs singing Imagine during a pandemic. I’ve got a real axe to grind this week and I’m not holding back. CUT THE SHIT.

BONUS – If I had to see it, so do you.

My eyes were popping out of my head and my jaw was on the floor for the entirety of whatever the hell this was. I really thought about not including this abomination to music and also, life, but at the end of the day, my favorite rule is that if I have to live through something and be horrified, everyone else must suffer with me. SO WELCOME TO HELL, Y’ALL! Not only was I downright shocked that this is EVEN ALLOWED TO BE A SONG but on top of that the music video was a nice juicy visual of boobs and butt 24/7. Shout out to Kylie for making a completely useless cameo showing us that she can indeed put one foot in front of the other in a leopard catsuit. YOU GO GURL. Refinery 29 called this song “delightfully nasty” and yet I’m inclined to drop the delightfully after I heard the term “wet and gushy” not once, not twice, but 9 ZILLION TIMES. CLEANUP ON AISLE EVERYWHERE because that’s where I puked my face off to these lyrics. ENJOY THO! Hope your weekend is wet AND gushy.

 

PS Ellen, you’re still

theworst

and having your famous friends say you’re not mean does ABSOLUTELY NOTHING for your image other than make them look like idiots too. Ya done.

Standard
JUice

Weekly JUice

Week of 7/27/2020

1. A LEGEND HAS DIED.

Regis

We lost our beloved REGE this week. On Saturday to be specific, of course when I was in the countryside with no service. I got scooped on it and was BESIDE myself when I went to read the deets for myself and found that my internet ceased to exist. Obviously Regis was old and it shouldn’t be a shock that he passed but I did not take the news lightly. In fact, I took it so personally that I knew I wasn’t in the right headspace to see Kathie Lee’s tribute to him on the same day that I found out about his death. I needed a few days to accept and come to terms with it before I could dive into what she had to say. I literally brought up his death in therapy this week, so obviously I’m doin real well. But first, my own personal anecdote. I worked on The Rachael Ray Show as an intern senior year of college, I’m sure I’ve referenced it before as it’s probably the closest I’ve ever been to Hollywood. Rege was a regular because he’s TV royalty and why wouldn’t you have him as a guest?! Anytime the Reg-ster was there, you knew it. As he walked out onto set, he made eye contact with and greeted everyone. There’s a lot of times that you talk about celebrities being dicks in real life and Regis was the exact opposite. That zing that he brought to your TV screen? That’s legit just how he is. He’d walk through with a huge smile on his face, cracking jokes and tossing out finger guns. He was a walking party and I wanted him to be my grandpa. A LEGEND. There’s too many dirt bag celebs (cough cough Ellen, more on that later) so it’s always heartwarming to know someone who was truly just a good human with a warm personality and just happened to be famous on the side. Anyway, onto Kathie Lee’s tribute, which I can finally handle now.

View this post on Instagram

There are no words to fully express the love I have for my precious friend, Regis. I simply adored him and every day with him was a gift. We spent 15 years together bantering and bickering and laughing ourselves silly—a tradition and a friendship we shared up to this very day. I smile knowing somewhere in Heaven, at this very moment, he’s making someone laugh. It brings me great comfort knowing that he had a personal relationship with his Lord that brought him great peace. I send all the love in my heart to Joy, to his children, to the rest of his family and to the innumerable people he touched over his legendary life. There has never been anyone like him. And there never will be.

A post shared by Kathie Lee Gifford (@kathielgifford) on

She also spoke on the Today Show about how she visited with Regis a month or two ago and they laughed just like they always do when they get together and had a ball and that was the last time she saw him. And she noticed that he was failing in health and it might be the end. And Rege’s wife Joy shared with KL that she hadn’t seen him laugh like that in months. REGIS AND KATHIE LEE FOREVA. THEY ARE THE CUTEST. And not to bring down this lovely tribute to Reger’s with negativity but let’s just be clear that Kelly ain’t shit. Regis MADE Kelly and I *FEEL* like she wasn’t at all grateful and just saw him as a dinosaur. Their chemistry wasn’t even CLOSE to him and KL and all around Kelly comes off as a real twatmonster. I mean look at her “tribute.” A cold, written statement–nothing personal about it. Get the hell out of here, Kelly.

Hey Kelly, check out Gelman’s tribute HERE if you want to see what real human emotions look like.

2. Pray for Reese.

nicole-reese

Emmy nomzzzz have been released and Reese Witherspoon got DUMPED on. That’s my biggest takeaway. Not that we’re announcing nominations when we don’t even know if the awards show will happen unless it’s Zoom-style. They’ll figure it out. What they won’t figure out is how they could spit in the face of Hollywood’s sweetheart. Reese has been CHURNING out female-empowering content through her production company and acted in THREE shows this past year. THREE. And everyone else got noms in those shows but her. I can only personally vouch for Little Fires Everywhere because I refuse to pay for another platform just to watch The Morning Show–but she CRUSHED playing an unlikable 90’s mom bitch in that. Like I hated her. And it must take superb acting to hate a sweetie like Reese. In fact, after seeing Kerry nominated for Little Fires, and Jen nominated for the Morning Show and Meryl AND Laura Dern for Big Little Lies…all Reese had to say was this:

What a class act, honestly. Also not all bad because her production company created every single one of these shows so she’ll still cash out on a W. But still doesn’t hurt to be recognized for her onscreen efforts. For what it’s worth, I’d nominate you, REESE!!!! Kerry Washington’s flared nostrils ain’t got shit on your skillzzzzzz. CLICK HERE to see the full list of noms including a shout to Love is Blind (the cringiest low budget reality show that hit right when quarantine started, rocketing it to fame) and a nomination for Brad Pitt guest starring on SNL. THAT’S a stretch. When are we going to stop being so obsessed with the Pitzer? And let’s hope and pray that we can somehow rig a real life awards show not via video conference because Mama needs a red carpet. She’s jonesin for some judging.

3. J Baby Hath Arrived.

joe-jonas-sophie-turner

Honestly I feel like it was just yesterday that I was announcing her pregnancy and fearing that if I was wrong I’d have to get face ink. But it has been reported that the baby is HERE and it’s a girl named Willa Jonas. And I APPROVE! What a great, normal name! Willa J in da HOUSE! It has also been reported via the latest Taylor Swift album lyric: “Cold was the steel of my axe to grind for the boys who broke my heart / Now I send their babies presents” that she sent them a gift. There’s no actual evidence of this, other than people over-reading into her lyrics so I guess Willa is the youngest owner of a Taylor Swift custom cardigan and seriously WTF. I’m still seething over the fact that I didn’t get one. Another thing that I brought up in therapy, so if this baby got one I might just spiral.

4. Ellen Sucks.

ellen

Remember how I bragged about my unpaid internship for the Rachael Ray show? While it’s when I was there back in 2013 that I learned how much of a DICK Ellen is to work for. Hollywood’s a gossipy place and it didn’t take long for a fellow intern to reveal she had also interned for Ellen and it was a real nightmare. I’ve kept that in the back of my mind as she continued her run as the #1 daytime show and danced her fake ass out onstage every day. My mom used to dance along with her and then you know what? The schtick got old. Also, it was becoming more clear that she was over this TV show and was putting in a real half-assed effort. So I’ve been quietly boycotting her for years. Then quarantine hit and apparently Ellen’s time to shine was COMING TO AN ABRUPT END. There was a Twitter thread asking people to share all of their terrible Ellen stories and it went viral. People talking about weird shit she did like making them chew gum outside of her office before coming in because she has a sensitive nose or telling them not to talk to her at all. Here’s a few of those nuggets:

Screen Shot 2020-07-31 at 11.10.19 AMScreen Shot 2020-07-31 at 11.10.30 AMScreen Shot 2020-07-31 at 11.10.37 AMScreen Shot 2020-07-31 at 11.10.47 AMScreen Shot 2020-07-31 at 11.10.56 AMScreen Shot 2020-07-31 at 11.11.10 AM

Then it became clear that she wasn’t paying her crew during quarantine but was continuing to make her show and different bits from home. Any host who can afford to pay everyone’s salaries for months without it even affecting their bank account and chooses NOT to is a real douche sandwich. Then it got quiet again and it was clear that Ellen’s power and fame were going to drown out the years-long complaints of mistreatment. UH UH HONAY. The WB launched an investigation this week and FINALLY we get some sort of acknowledgement from Ellen and it’s HILARIOUS. She sent an internal letter to staff playing dumb. Here’s the gist–full letter can be found HERE:

“Hey everybody – it’s Ellen. On day one of our show, I told everyone in our first meeting that The Ellen DeGeneres Show would be a place of happiness – no one would ever raise their voice, and everyone would be treated with respect. Obviously, something changed, and I am disappointed to learn that this has not been the case. And for that, I am sorry. Anyone who knows me knows it’s the opposite of what I believe and what I hoped for our show. I could not have the success I’ve had without all of your contributions. My name is on the show and everything we do and I take responsibility for that. Alongside Warner Bros, we immediately began an internal investigation and we are taking steps, together, to correct the issues. As we’ve grown exponentially, I’ve not been able to stay on top of everything and relied on others to do their jobs as they knew I’d want them done. Clearly some didn’t. That will now change and I’m committed to ensuring this does not happen again.”

“I’m also learning that people who work with me and for me are speaking on my behalf and misrepresenting who I am and that has to stop. As someone who was judged and nearly lost everything for just being who I am, I truly understand and have deep compassion for those being looked at differently, or treated unfairly, not equal, or – worse – disregarded. To think that any one of you felt that way is awful to me. It’s been way too long, but we’re finally having conversations about fairness and justice.”

So are you committed to stop being a total a-hole to the people who work for you orrrrrr? What a classic bitch move to just not at all acknowledge the horrific rep you have and real stories that have come out and just dance your way out of the conflict by saying you had no clue this was going on and your show is all about happiness. And then to point fingers and say they’re misrepresenting her. I hope everyone teams up to DRAAAAG her. It’s the era of Cancel Culture. ADD ELLEN TO THE LIST, YO. Even Brad Garrett spoke out, which I hope means other celebs will too. YAAAAS. Smell ya later, Ellen!

5. The Kissing Booth 3.

flynn

This news will play to a very small audience, but after saddling up to the TV on Friday night for the Kissing Booth 2 premiere with my sister and our equally as teen flick obsessed bestie on Facetime, we snacked, drank wine & drooled over Noah. We also cringed our life away because this flick is not for the faint of heart when it comes to cheesy teen storylines. Their new hottie with a body character designed to swoop in and break up Elle and Flynn was so obsessed with his guitar that at one point they’re sitting on the beach having a serious chat and suddenly his guitar just emerges from the sand so he can end the convo with a serenade. There were several hysterics from us at that moment and the hits just kept on coming with him, including very shiny matching silver lamé with Sketchers shape-ups outfits for a dance competition. Ugh. But I got carried away there as I tend to do. They left the second movie on a cliffhanger, Netflix’s favorite way of telling you that this will be a never-ending series beaten into the ground. And then the stars were like PSYCHE! we already filmed the third and it’ll be out in 2021. So no panicking here about a long wait post COVID times for a new movie, as it’s already been completed. What a trick. Here’s a sexy sneak preview to get you all riled up for more Elle and Flynn:

And then to bring you right back down, here’s some INCREDIBLY awkward moments to prove that not only can Jacob Elordi and Joey King not even do press together (that’s how bad their breakup was) but it seems like Jacob pretty much hates the entire cast and has no interest in being a part of this trilogy. Also, not for nothing, he has a real life mullet and looks like garbo lately. Either way, I can only imagine how awks filming two movies in a row were for these two considering they refuse to even be interviewed together. WOooOof. Get all the uncomfies here:

Start at 6:15 for the cold AF promotion of the movie and transition back to the entire cast getting along and promoting it together:

Special thank you to my assistant Nikki, who spent an undisclosed amount of time watching Youtube clips after the premiere on Saturday to try and sniff out every unbearable interaction between these two former lovers and learn why they broke up. Unfortunately since they avoid talking about each other, this may be a secret that we never learn…but we’ll never stop sleuthing.

BONUS: FOR THE LAAAADIEEEEZZZZ

Here’s a glance at a hot bod getting hosed down. WET MUSCLES, MMMMMMM. K have a great weekend.

Standard
JUice

Weekly JUice

Week of 4/30/18

Great news everyone, we’ve made it to May, which is the month of ME so feel free to lavish me with compliments and gifts every single day for the next 31 days. Because as we all know, females don’t have a birth DAY, they have a birth MONTH and if you don’t acknowledge that you’re a garbage can human.

1. *NSYNC Mini Reunion.

Screen Shot 2018-04-30 at 5.04.11 PM

As we are all very aware, the last day of April brings the godforsaken Justin Timberlake It’s Gonna be May meme that floods the internet and everything thinks they’re original by posting it (kinda like the Miss Congeniality perfect date or Mean Girls October 3rd schtick) and unfortunately *NSYNC played RIGHT INTO IT by planning their Hollywood star ceremony for the same day. I’m going to politely ignore that part and focus on the fun stuff, like the fact that Justin is still clearly the number 1 bae of *NSYNC and you can tell they’re all over it, real hard. Or the fact that JC thought he could roll up looking like a dad whose trying to be trendy with surfer hair and RED BOOTS. JC. Come on. Even Chris and Joey look better than you because at least they embraced their oldness–Joey is literally wearing dad sneaks with his getup. Let it happen, bruh. No need to be tossing on red booties with your suit! Below are some of the speeches and a fairly boring game of Never Have I Ever where they basically lie and say they didn’t do anything when WE ALL KNOW that being a boy band superstar in your teens/early twenties meant that you certainly did a lot of bang, bang, bangity, banging. For now, feel free to place your bets on which spice girl JT smooched. My guess is Baby. NOW CAN WE PLEASE GET A REUNION SONG AND CORRELATING MUSIC VIDEO?! I’M BEGGING YOU.

2. XxXtina. 

Did anyone miss Xtina? Well she’s been on a casual 6 year hiatus from music. Her most recent claim to fame was a Whitney tribute at one of the award shows where everyone questioned what was going on with her face. Can confirm her face still looks weird but wouldn’t you know, everyone’s face looks weird when they’re lapping milk from a glass and trying to be sexy in a music video with MAD closeups on her mouth/tongue. This is her latest beat that is preeetttyy hard on the ears but she’s clearly going for the street cred by having two rappers featured on it that I assume are popular with the youths these days. To be completely honest I couldn’t even finish watching this music video. Once someone looks right into your soul and licks a glass of 2% then lets it drip down their chin, I have to just call it quits and never look back. Mazel to Xtina for giving me all of the uncomfies this week! PS do you think this song is about sex? LMK.

3. Miranda’s A Little Sleazy.

miranda

I think it’s time to address the elephant in the room that is Miranda Lambert’s love for infidelity. I wanted to ignore the rumors when her and Blake split because I’ve always been a fan of Miranda’s music and that she’s a total boss babe who wins all the awards and is better then most of the boys in country. I turned my ears off whenever anyone talked about her cheating and I hated Blake and Gwen on principle because they were flaunting their relationship too hard and I don’t appreciate an attention grabber post-divorce. I was firmly Team Miranda. Except now her music isn’t that great anymore, she’s kind of a stuck up bitch at awards shows and in the past two weeks she’s been outed HARD for being a cheatin skank. Her latest fling is with someone she toured with who is married and basically stayed out on tour with Miranda without telling his wife when he would be coming back and when he did return it was with some divorce papers. YIKES CITY. Obviously both parties are at fault here since both Miranda and Evan were in relationships when they began to “write music together.” Either way, NOT A GOOD LOOK. Blake had the below snarky tweet and Evan’s soon to be ex wife has been using Instagram story to talk shit and jam out to Before He Cheats. (Social media maturity at its finest)

So accept this as my official declaration that I am no longer #TeamMiranda and maybe she should take a little sabbatical from banging strange whilst otherwise in a relationship. Let the records also show that this does not make me Team Gwen/Blake. Because I still think those two are obnoxious. WE GET IT….OPPOSITES ATTRACT AND YOU LOVE EACH OTHER. Do it privately.

4. ASHLEE SIMPSON SHOW REBOOT.

ashlee

Word on the streets of trash tv, Ashlee Simpson and Evan Ross will be getting their own reality show. As an avid viewer of BOTH The Ashlee Simpson Show and Newlyweds: Nick and Jessica, I couldn’t be happier for this comeback to reality TV. T’s & P’s that they don’t have the Newlyweds curse (still holding out for a Nick and Jessica reunion though, never give up hope.) Apparently the show will center around Ashlee and Evan taking on the music biz together, which I strongly advise against but should make for entertaining telly. Maybe that little nugget of theirs Jagger will make guest appearances and she proved to be the cutest during Diana Ross’s AMA tribute.

jagger

5. Blake Pulls a Tay.

Blake Lively took a page out of her bestie Tay’s book for promoting and cleared out her instagram, unfollowed everyone all in the name of promoting a new movie. Everyone crapped their pants, specifically because she unfollowed that hunk of a husband Ryan Reynolds, which typically means things are heading south but CHILL EVERYONE SHE JUST WANTS TICKET SALES TO GO UP FOR HER THRILLER WITH ANNA KENDRICK. Looks super weird. Can’t say I support erasing so many beautiful pics that I’ve posted on here and drooled over just for a little movie marketing, but who am I to judge. Who am I kidding. I’m Judge Judy here. Get your old insta back, Blake.

Standard
JUice

Weekly JUice

Week of 12/5/2016

1. Z | T | 50.

SHE’S BACK!!!!! Shoutout to my BFF and fellow Tay superfan, Lindsey for literally sounding the alarms as soon as this song dropped. I woke up to a text that said “ZAYN AND TAYLOR” and within seconds I had purchased the song on iTunes. That’s real marketing right there. Good for me it’s actually a banger because I would’ve been pezzzzed if I wasted $1.29 for something I could’ve illegally downloaded in just a few days.

2. Milo’s Arms for President. 

“Do you want me to keep going?” YESS MORE, MORE, MORE!!! Never ever stop doing pushups, Milo. Ever.

3. The Children are the Future.

Last week Jensen Ackles and Daneel Harris (better known as Rachel Gattina) had twins and named them THAT. Thing 1 and Thing 2 would have been more normal, tbh. ZEPPELIN BRAM AND ARROW RHODES?! IS THIS REAL LIFE? Reportedly, one is a girl and one is a boy. The world will never know which is which.

On the flip, Ashton and Mila had a son and named him Dimitri. Snaps for naming your child something normal.

4. 1D Update.

Lots of baby news this week–well this was actually last week’s news but I didn’t have time to rant about it last week and it’s obviously necessary. The next 1D baby has been announced and it’s out of left field. Liam who is like a total babe and pretty low-key (wasn’t pursuing a solo career) has *allegedly knocked up Cheryl Cole, who is like twice his age. WTF GUYS. HOW ARE YOU EVER GOING TO GET BACK TOGETHER IF YOU KEEP GETTING YOUR GIRLFRIEND’S PREGGERZ? Also, this news is TECHNICALLY not confirmed but like they went on a date and she’s like obviously housing a baby in there. It’s not like she’s wearing a tight dress and it looks like she had an extra taco at lunch. That right there is a baby belly.

5. Sex Stuff.

screen-shot-2016-12-08-at-10-32-58-pm

How would you like your O face plastered all over the internet to promote your movie? Yikes this is embarrassing. Almost as embarrassing as me scrambling to click & watch immediately. It was worth it though. Enjoy a newer version of another Beyonce cover and sneak peeks at what these two loaves of bread will cook up in theaters this Valentines Day.

(This is last on the list because I care more about that fire flames falsetto T&Z song than the actual movie that it was written for. Keeping my fingers crossed that they do a real music video instead of just editing together a bunch of scenes from the movie because it will be a real boner kill if I have to watch these two try to have chemistry while Zayn gets me pregnant with just one high note.)

 

Standard
JUice

Weekly JUice

Week of 2/22/16

Happy Friday and Happy Full House day. Full disclosure, I’m on episode 4 of Fuller House (“working” from home) and it’s ROUGH. Guess they didn’t want to take my advice to bring back Tommy Page or Rusty. Spoiler alert: they did reference the “dad” song, which gave me a chuckle. The rest did not. So that really put a damper on my weekend.

1. Put Baby in the Corner, Seriously. I last reported about the Dirty Dancing remake when I learned that Abigail Breslin was cast as Baby and whined about it to the world. Welp, I’m whining even more now because they’ve cast Johnny and he’s all abs. His credits include tossing Pink around in a super dramats music video like she was a stuffed animal, and some theater things…but more importantly, his 100-pack that was shoved in my face real hard. So I say stick Baby in the corner and do a solo number with your shirt off. That’s how you get ratings. You’re welcome world.

Screen Shot 2016-02-25 at 8.41.05 PM

(Seriously, watch this video, it’s real impressive.)

2. Heeeeeeere’s BRUCEY. You know how the internet loves to do that thing where they find an actor that was pre-puberty and probably a little chubby and awkward and then show us that they’re an attractive human today? (ahem, Neville Longbottom.) Well they did just that with good ole Bruce Bogtrotter. Known for annihilating an entire chocolate cake onstage to the chants of his fellow classmates, Bruce was probably my childhood hero. In fact, I’ve pretty much lived my entire life looking just like him after I’ve finished a meal. Because you haven’t really eaten anything until you feel like you’re going to boot all over the chokey, amirite?

youcandoitbruce

ANYWHO, now for the big reveal, he’s in his thirties now and like, a normal man without a weight problem. Some might say he’s a cutie. (Can’t say the same for Matilda these days…)

Screen Shot 2016-02-25 at 8.36.49 PM

3. Demi’s got pipes. 

I get the feeling that Demi takes a lot of hate for getting her start on Disney and then quickly spiraling into a coke-fueled rehab sitch, but I’m here to point out that there’s really no need to hate Demi because she’s got a voice like whoa. She proves it a lot but I feel like there’s no better proof than when she rips a little Xtina impression and brings us all to church. Plus, anyone who can perfect a Fetty Wap impersonation is good in my book.

4. Baewatch. Baywatch has begun filming and Zac Efron is in it. Need I say more?

5. Two Ellens for the price of one.

Ellen doesn’t properly get made fun of because she has ruled daytime television ever since Oprah retired to do a bunch of Weight Watchers commercials about how much she loves bread. Thanks to Kate McKinnon and her obnoxious “I’m Ellen” sketch, we get to see someone poke fun at Ellen on her own show. Although, how hard is it really to two step and snap every day at 4pm?

AND THAT’S THE JUice. Right, Robert?

Standard
JUice

Weekly JUice

Week of 1/18/16

1a. Zac Efron Week

Bad Grandpa (the movie where Zac shows off his abs and then some) premieres today and therefore pReSs WeEk for ya boy Zac. He grinds that leather-bound package all up on Ellen, sends a casually insensitive MLK tweet with the black fist bump emoji, and then the Neighbors 2 Trailer debuted, where he looks like a human ken doll. WHAT A WEEK!

Screen Shot 2016-01-19 at 11.19.19 PM

View this post on Instagram

I woke up like this @jimmykimmellive #dirtygrandpa

A post shared by Zac Efron (@zacefron) on

1b. High School Musical Reunion

One thing that apparently Zac couldn’t carve out some time for (because he was busy getting paid millions to flex his six pack) was join the rest of the cast of nobodies (literally, they admit it in the above vid) for the 10 year High School Musical reunion. Guess we’re not all in this together, hmm Zac? ZING. The fact that they had the balls to call this a reunion with a mere video message from Zac where he blows a kiss is just downright embarrassing. But I’ll let it slide because everyone but Vanessa is hurtin for a paycheck and a little screen time. HSM gave us a lot of sexually confused boys who couldn’t choose between a mediocre basketball team and drama club and I will forever be grateful. Especially since I got home just in time for the final Breaking Free number Wednesday night and got to see Zac twirl all over the joint in a harsh whoutfit.

troybolton

2. J.Fall Kills It

To promote the musical Hamilton, Jimmy Fallon pops off with a bajillion flawless musical impressions. Seriously, he’s a freak. For some reason when I was little I could do Celine Dion’s accent when she said “me and my best girlfriends.” It’s weird, but I nailed for like probably one solid year before I lost the ability to do my best diva French-Canadian voice. It was fleeting, but that’s the closest I’ve ever gotten to being good at impressions. Therefore, I respect them that much more.

3. NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO. WHY?!?!

Screen Shot 2016-01-22 at 7.34.37 AM

Knope3

office-gif-again

4. This guy’s a dad.

louis-tomlinson

Louis Tomlinson and his baby mama/”friend” brought a son into this world last night. Not sure how realistic it is to raise an infant and tour the world with a boy band, so even though they haven’t officially announced that they’re dunzo…goodbye 1D…you now have a DAD in the group. YiiiiiiiiKez.

louis-tomlinsonbye

5. Mariah third time’s a charm Carey.

mimiring

James Packer, the fourth richest man on the ENTIRE CONTINENT OF AUSTRALIA, put a heavy ass rock on Mariah’s finger. I’m guessing this guy’s a step up from baby super-fan Nick Cannon but who knows how long he’ll put up with Mimi and her notorious a-hole personality.

Standard
JUice

Weekly JUice

Week of 11/09/15

1. Missy is bringing music videos back.

Missy was obviously always releasing bangers back in her heyday but she was also known for her extravagant videos with dancing and makeup and weird shit happening. Now that she’s officially BACK (and it’s about damn time because it’s been a century since she ripped the halftime show right out of Katy Perry’s claws) she is bringing the art of the music video back with her. This video had cartoon makeup, lifelike puppets, PhunkeeDucks, etc, etc. The Queen is back, betches.

2. Isn’t it ironic? Don’t ya think?

Props to Alanis for being in on the joke that is “Ironic”. It’s like raaaaainnnnnnnn on your wedding day! Not anymore though, now it’s like they announce a new iphone the day after you buy it. That’s 1000x worse than a no smoking sign on your cigarette break. Jus sayin, the Apple FOMO is real. James is quickly becoming my favorite late night host to make an ass of himself in front of celebrities too. He crushed the end solo.

3. Sequels on Sequels. It’s like releasing the same movie with a “2” in the title, 10 years later. And isn’t it ironic? Sorry. That song is still in my head and also I find it annoying that sequels with this much time between the first and the second movie are still happening. First up is Finding Dory, aka Finding Nemo about Dory. Dory has short term memory loss and wants to find her family or something. Finding Nemo is 12 years old. Seems like this would’ve been a great idea like no more than 5 years after the first one was made so it was still fresh. But whatevs, I’m not in the movie biz so what do I know.

Next up is My Big Fat Greek Wedding 2. Not going to lie, I 100% thought that the parents in this movie were dead now. They were old in the first movie (made 13 YEARS AGO) and if this trailer proves anything it’s that Hollywood people apparently live forever. That was a dumb sentence but I stand by it, and also I’m in a hurry to finish the JUice because I’m hungry. It’s been a whole five minutes since I’ve last eaten something. ANYWHO, everyone is older in this movie and there’s a new generation of Greeks that are embarrassed by their family. It’ll still be funny judging by this trailer and I’ll still watch it but like originality points are 0.0.

4. I love dem bad girls.

This was on last week’s SNL and it DIDN’T have Trump in it. Win, win. I’ve always been partial to these newer SNL skits with all the females acting ridiculous–the popular songs that they released about going home for the holidays were gold. Even though this isn’t their original song it’s still a perfect skit for anyone who can relate to being a pretend badass. For the record, I always ask for a water cup at Panera and then put water in it. They give you clear cups so THEY’LL KNOW IF YOU STEAL. I’m not a savage.

5. The Rock is the man and he knows it.

Apparently The Rock has a girlfriend and she’s real preggers. The hashtags say everything you need to know about The Rock.  JUST OVER HERE MAKING BABIES AND STUFF! I imagine when his girlfriend broke the news that he upturned a table and shouted YEAH. ALL DAY. ALL DAY, BABY.

BONUS, another Hills wedding…

The most tolerable of Hills characters, the classiest of Teen Vogue, Whitney Port got married over the weekend and looked like a beaut. There were no stories about Hills cast members attending the wedding because she’s a real human who separated herself from the show and only appeared once in a while to look shocked and over-pronounce her “ing” words. Anyway, she looked cool, fun and trendy on her wedding day and I approve. I wonder if Lisa Love would though?

Standard
Pop Culture

Celeb-oween 2015

Celebs, they’re just like us…sometimes they have really dumb, unoriginal halloween costumes…and when they do, I point and laugh at them. I will applaud the fact that no one slipped up and did black face this year. They just might be learning!

WORST

View this post on Instagram

Haute couture skeleton @alexfaction

A post shared by Jennifer Lopez (@jlo) on

I think this would have been okay had J.Lo not taken a typical costume and called it haute couture like a bougie betch.

View this post on Instagram

👻

A post shared by Lauren Conrad (@laurenconrad) on

I’m not sure what’s going on here, is this just a child from my nightmares?

View this post on Instagram

I think I nailed the Kim K costume! 🕸👻🕷

A post shared by Kim Kardashian West (@kimkardashian) on

What does the biggest attention whore in America dress as for Halloween? Herself, obviously.

I will absolutely NOT support Let it Go for one more second. Even if she does look like an adorbz little Olaf.

johnstamos

Devil’s Threesome.

peanuts today shwo

The Today Show tried to be cutesicle….

 carson willie matt

Except replicating a cartoon in real life can actually turn into a pretty scary sitch for all involved. Also OF COURSE Matt Lauer cross-dressed.

Screen Shot 2015-10-30 at 10.48.04 AM

Trump thrives off of this shit.

Tyra Banks Richard Branson

Tyra Banks as Richard Branson. Why?

kylieninja

Did Kylie even know it was Halloween? OHHHHH BURNNNN.

tbrady

Gisele and Tom Brady putting giant skeleton bobble heads on with a regular outfit is lazy and lame.

heidiklum

HEIDI KLUM MUST BE STOPPED. DO SO SO SO SO SO MUCH LESS.

kperry

Katy Perry as a mic drop. This is actually a clever idea until you have to reenact it 100 times for people to get it and then you have a concussion.

hilhil

I know Hil can do much better than a basic betch black cat.

paris

Right, so this is what warriors look like?

nickjonas

BOOOOOOOOOOOOOO. Shirtless costumes only in the future, pls.

BEST

Anne looking pastel puuurfect as a unicorn.

View this post on Instagram

Coming to America🎃

A post shared by Beyoncé (@beyonce) on

HOW SASSY IS BLUE THOUGH?!

The classiest woodland creatures I ever did see.

Mario Lopez’s kid is the cutest little smush and they nailed Elvis & Elvis Jr.

Allison looks EXACTLY like Belle.

Authentic shit, right down to the climbing. If Shawn was my fiance I’d climb him like a tree too.

I’m embarrassed that I went as Sandy last year because Gigi swept through this year and took a big dump on my version of bada$$ Sandra Dee.

Sophia Bush perfecting Pulp Fiction

The possibly engaged couple as polar opposites. Mesmerized by Jeets’ face as the devil.

Lebron going as Prince and taking the stage for an impromptu show seems really out of character for him.

View this post on Instagram

🦁

A post shared by tori kelly (@torikelly) on

Girls’ already got one hell of a mane.

Not as good as last years caveman in the flesh but still pretty great.

Hot damn! 2000’s Jess is making a comeback.

kardashsuperhero

I just wanna snatch P right up. I won’t…but I want to.

coltonhaynes

This is Colton Haynes. He doesn’t normally look like this. Respect tha hustle here for transforming into the largest and most disgusting creature in Disney villain history.

ninadobrev

Nina Dobrev bitch facing as Posh.

yonce

Don’t you ever cross Queen Bey or she’ll come at you like this.

kelly&michael1

kellyripa

Kelly Ripa’s got a knack for pop culture costumes, IMO.

michael strahan

Michael Strahan as Cookie. FIERCE.

joshduhamel

Josh Duhamel with a gap tooth.

Screen Shot 2015-10-30 at 10.50.59 AM

I’m always pro-T.Swift costume.

Screen Shot 2015-10-30 at 10.51.40 AM

GMA hosts Robin Roberts & TJ Holmes take on the Lyons.

AishaTylerYonce

Bionic hand seals the deal for Aisha Tyler

miranda

Miranda Lambert and co. as the Rockford Peaches. Where Marla Hooch at?

ellen kardashian

Ellen DeGeneres created her own character, Karla Kardashian, who is the reject of the clan and only wears hand-me-downs. Bonus points for originality although we know how I feel about drawing more attention to the Kardash fam.

therock

This seems like an approps costume for someone who naturally has gunz on gunz.

sarahyland

If you have a hot bod like Sarah Hyland it should be mandatory that you go leather bodysuit for Halloween.

jalba

Always jelly of celebs who can get their hands on legit wardrobe for pop culture costumes.

ginarodriguez

Gina Rodriguez shows off cute and cozy.

demi

YAASSSSS TRAP QUEEN.

pink

Pink looks exactly like lil Drew Barrymore.

nicolerichie

Nicole Richie doing up the Nightmare before Christmas creeperoni.

nph

NPH is the family costume magician every year.

channingjenna

His and hers cat in the hats for one of my fave couples

chrissy

Chrissy Teigen as Guy Fieri is perfect and gave her an excuse to do douchey things. I’m all for a costume that lets you get away with being a more obnoxious individual.

Standard
JUice

Weekly JUice

Week of 9/7/15

1. JT & JFall are back togets. I begged and I pleaded and finally JT’s manager read the Salty Ju and was all ok let’s give the people what they want and so explains the reunion on The Tonight Show Wednesday night AS WELL AS causing a ruckus at the US Open. The bros are back in town and it’s like they’ve never left me. Kicked the celebration off with another History of Rap–capitalizing on my favorites Bone Thugz N Harmony and Remix to Ignition. Later, the three of us were giggling together doing awkward fist bumps and just reminiscing on ole times. Like when JT drank coffee out of a mug with Jimmy’s face on it. I couldn’t make it to that night’s slumber party, obviously. Then they whipped up a quick Fallon cocktail with Sauza ‘squila, naturally, plus a side of Justin’s over the top Fallon impression. JT judged a lip sync competition where Ellen joined in on the debauchery and lawls. And finally the boys went on a date to the US Open where they showed off their Single Ladies routine. Please feel free to watch or re-watch all parts below with a silly grin plastered to your face like I just did. Supes normz. I will say it over and over again until it finally happens, these two need to host an awards show together stat, including red carpet commentary. Let’s replace garbage with pure humor and boyish charm. I will draft a letter to Hollywood to request such immediately.

2. Another model baby arrived for the Deckers just in time for football season. Last weekend Jessie James Decker popped out another beautiful infant and proudly showed off baby Eric Thomas Decker to gently remind the world that her and hubby Eric Sr. are gorge (even pre and post a child murdering her vag) and they only produce attractive offspring.

View this post on Instagram

❤️

A post shared by Jessie James Decker (@jessiejamesdecker) on

View this post on Instagram

If you're a proud big sister raise your hand!

A post shared by Jessie James Decker (@jessiejamesdecker) on

View this post on Instagram

Eric's first flight ✈️

A post shared by Jessie James Decker (@jessiejamesdecker) on

View this post on Instagram

When Viv got to meet her lil bro for the first time

A post shared by Jessie James Decker (@jessiejamesdecker) on

3. Life Size 2 is a real thing according to Tyra “Kiss My Fat Ass” Banks.

life-size

Ty-Ty has revealed that Disney has been working on a sequel script for this trashcan movie starring her and Lindsay Lohan for far too long. They want to make it perf and are hoping for a Christmas 2016 release. Listen, I love “Be A Star” as much as the next Eve fan, but let’s stop being ridiculous with the sequels. What is going to happen in a movie made 15 years after the original? Is tomboy Casey going to bring her barbie doll come-to-life Eve to rush a sorority at college with her? Eve will get in because of her killer fashion sense and ability to spend the whole night dancing and Casey will probably be bullied by Delta Delta Sigma Betches. Did I just write the script for you, Disney? Mail me a check. (Seriously, I could use that cash.)

4. Reese Witherspoon made a baby by herself.

I say this, because there is absolutely no way that any of Ryan Phillippe’s genes ended up in their oldest child Ava. She is Reese 2.0 and it is giving me the scaries. Just a few more years and Ava & Reese will be hitting the bars and telling guys that they’re twins. Hopefully they’ll have their stories straight on what their shared birthday is, unlike my sister and I who tell strangers we’re twins whilst inebriated and then each say our own birthday when inevitably someone doubts us. Be better than us, Reese.

reese-ava-doppleganger-akm-gsi

5. Timeflies Tayday.

This past Tuesday the boys of Timeflies tackled some Emmy-winning T.Swizzle and it would be wrong of me not to include the 1989 cover in my weekly roundup. (Especially since Taylor Part 1 was featured on my Top Notch Timeflies Tuesday blog) Feel free to get loose to it this weekend–I know I will as I move for the 100th time in the past three years.

Standard
JUice

Weekly JUice

Week of 8/24/15

1. Biebs is Back and wants to know what do you mean?

So the Biebster did his bad boy thing, then rehabbed his image with a very public and much too nice roast and then spent the past month hyping this single every 10 minutes on Instagram. The first few days of celebs joining in was cute, then when it was all I ever saw on the gram, it got annoying real quick and I declared that this song better be the second coming in music for it to ever live up to all of the obnoxiousness. Apparently his version of Best Song Ever is this and a lyric video with a skateboarding punk from an MTV reality show 10 years ago. No seriously. RYAN SHECKLER?! That’s who you went with for this much anticipated single drop? If you ever want to laugh uncontrollably, watch an old clip from Ry Ry’s show and listen to how terrible he is at narrating/reading from a script. It used to be one of my favorite pasttimes to talk in Ryan Sheckler voice to annoy everyone around me. “When I was little….MY mom….and MY dad….got divorced.” Anyway, I got sidetracked, the moral of the story is this song is lame.

ryansheckler

2. J.Law and Amy Schumer piano dance. These two goofbombs are the newest BFF’s that everyone is spazzing over. Yeah they’re both cool hot blondes who act crazy and make us giggle but I don’t think it’s headlining news that they went on vacay together…what I do think is headlining news is that Billy Joel let them stomp all over his piano at last night’s concert. Good for you, Billy–keeping your cool factor at an all-time high. Here they are grooving around to Uptown Girl. They also are apparently writing a script for a movie that they play sisters in and obviously I will be first in line to see that–especially if it’s anything like Trainwreck cause that was a top notch flick.

View this post on Instagram

Hey

A post shared by @ amyschumer on

View this post on Instagram

Piano men

A post shared by @ amyschumer on

3. VMA’s are this weekend. Instead of revving up with the uncomfies for what is sure to be a disgusting display from host, Miley–let’s instead look forward to gr8 talent and musical moments by watching this fab-tastic 2000’s medley from Tori Kelly who will be performing. Other announcements include Nicki Minaj opening the show again (hopefully with less buhholes, for my eyes’ sake) J.Biebs to perform his new single, Macklemore FT. RYAN LEWIS to perform their new single (which is really weird and makes my ears confused), and Kanye will receive the video vanguard award…for what exactly I’m not quite sure. And last but most, my girl Tay will be debuting the music video for Wildest Dreams which features zebras and Scott Eastwood (lick.) TUNE IN SUNDAY at 9!

4. Taylor Swift has famous friends. For the past few months that the 1989 tour has been happening, we’ve been reminded after each and every surprise guest that Taylor Swift is BFF’s with everyone but nothing prepared us for the mixed bag that her multiple nights in LA brought us. I guess there’s nothing quite like standing in front of a bunch of celebrities and just basically calling them up to the stage one by one to prove you’re all buds who party at each other’s mansions and stuff. (Clearly not jelly at all.) What I found REALLY RUDE was that she had the NERVE to bring JT back for his first post-baby performance after I just embarrassingly begged for that on this very blog. They sang one of my favorite songs and oh yeah I WASN’T THERE. #NOTFINEATALL (Peep any or all of the 1 billion pics and clips below to pretend like you were there…)

5. O-Town is the new 1D. This is not relevant or news but my friend Lindsey (via KardASHLEY) asked me if I had heard the new O-Town song and this one slipped right through the JUice apparently because it came out a while ago. I apologize for not being on top of this but I watched the music video–the song is outrageously good and the music video made me go ALL IN on Dan. Obviously Ashley Parker Angel was the real pretty boy of the group back in the day and when they released Sky Dive last year without him, I couldn’t fully get on board. But now…Ashley who? Dan get at me, bruh. This revelation comes hot on the heels of 1D announcing an upcoming hiatus that we all saw coming and I think we all know who can replace them…

Standard