There’s no post-Christmas blues here! My very real Christmas tree is still atwinklin (smelling pine fresh and not dropping needles at all so definitely super worth it, MOM AND DAD) and it is *oprah voice* AWAAAARRRRDDDSSS SEASON! Due to the strike, Emmy’s have been pushed to this month and we’re going to get a wham, bam, three in a row to start and I’m foaming at the mouth for reasons to shout my fashion opinions into the void. As always, I like to include my credentials as top bitch Fashion Police. Look no further than the Barbie sweatsuit I acquired recently that makes me look like the offspring of Tony Soprano and Barbie herself. Life in plastic, it’s fantastic, FUGGETABOUTIT.

WORST

I can’t quite tell what the material is that created these weird skeleton lines but it’s creepy and weird. Update: it just photographs horribly, on TV it looked shiny Gold. But the deed is done so sorry bout it.

Is O wearing cRuShEd VELVET?! Barf all over me.

WHOA this is unflattering. The black and white orca combo deal falling right at her hips and then adding on a full skirt?! Makes her look like a real wide load and I know she probably isn’t .

The hardest of hard no’s to this Catholic school girl, Fat Albert style.

One word: Peplum.

This woman won and as she was walking up to the stage and accepting her award using dramatic arm gestures, I figured it was only a matter of time until one of those big ole titties dumped right out on camera. WHAT A GAMBLE. You don’t have a set of knockers like that and then not strap them up for your safety and honestly everyone else’s as well. I will never understand top-heavy women going strapless. 

This is such a damn snoozefest. Sure she looks beautiful, I can’t imagine a scenario where she wouldn’t but COME ON with this shapeless black frock and basic blowout. Also she’s up for No Hard Feelings? Are we for serious? That movie was horrific.

This rubbed me the wrong way and I’m not even really sure why. Sure, I don’t owe anyone an explanation because I wear the high fashion Barbie tracksuit and therefore I make the rules and youse don’t. But I will say I think it’s the butt bow/train situation.

Honesty is the best policy and seeing Natasha on this red carpet sent a COLD shiver down my spine because I endured what seemed like 6 whole months (really probably 6 weeks) of Old Navy commercials where they gave her the Lindsay Lohan Parent Trap special and her and another version of her both decked out in Old Navy duds screamed WOW over and over again until I wanted to literally rip my ears out of my skull and throw them into the ocean. So not only is this horned fringe frock a total monstrosity but if 30 years passed before I saw her again it would still be too soon. 

I had the HIGHEST of expectations for Margot. She killed as Barbie. A stunning queen that is so flawless it didn’t for a second cross my mind that she wasn’t the actual idealized Barbie come to life. Each look in the movie was iconic and everyone in America agreed as she literally took over Halloween. My 6 year old niece wore her gingham number to trick or treat and I was legitimately jealous of her. But a glitter v-neck and a loofah as an accent? No ma’am, this ain’t it. She could’ve gone WILD, she could’ve been SO extra and over the top and everyone would’ve been like yes absolutely she’s just a Barbie girl in a Barbie world. And she went with this. What a disappointment. Even my sweat set blows this outta the water. (Y’all were thinkin it, I’m just sayin.)

Welp, at least Barbie and Ken go down together. This suit with a white outline is dumb and so are Ryan’s piecey bangs. YOU’RE RYAN GOSLING. You’re so stinking hot that people made memes of you for YEARS that just said Hey Girl and you can’t show up in your all-time best after you just depicted the fantasy boy toy?! Not to beat a dead horse but play into the Ken bit and show up in a ridiculously campy outfit. When else can you do that?! UGH guys, I mean do you need me to dress you too?! PS I realize this is the first awards show of the season and hopefully me coming down with the hammer now will result in amahzing Oscars getups for both Ken & Barbie. 

This is fine but hits on one of my greatest style pet peeves of doing slicked back wet hair like you just hopped out of the shower. Ick city, population: me.

Say it with me now, POOOP SUIIITTTTTT. 💩

Love this lavender but if only she had lost this God-awful jacket. Or even ditched the puff sleeves on it because NOT EVERYTHING NEEDS TO BE PUFFY. Between flares coming back, we don’t need bell bottoms AND bell sleeves in our culture again. It’s too damn much.

I wanted so much more from him. This is dad at a wedding kind of lame.

This chick is just wearing pink saran wrap and you cannot convince me otherwise.

Lotta boob for me. I would’ve been cool with this if there was just a scooooch more coverage.

In the words of the late great Logan Roy, “Oh, fuck off.”

We get it, you have perky breasts. Congrats, booboo.

GIANT BOW DOES NOT A FASHION MOMENT MAKE.

BEST

I could honestly be swayed either way on this. At first I was like nah to the black gloves and put it on the worst dressed but now I’m re-examining and I think I’m kinda down with this 1950’s sexy vibe. Plus she went onstage to present right at the same time and I saw the open back with a cute tiny bow and that really sealed the deal.

I never knew I needed to see Emma Stone with a Sweet Home Alabama era Reese hair flip until right this second. How stinkin adorable. The sparkles on this gown have managed to make the embroidered flowers less granny and more chic. Top to bottom win.

Ok with these lil bobsie sleek hairstyles! Back to back and I’m here for it. Beautiful, shimmery and flattering gown for America, love the square neckline.

And this is a fabulous example of how to make a tulle bottom skirt work! Fantasia’s stylist should take notes. 

My homegirl who often texts me just never misses on a red carpet. Old Hollywood soft curls and a baby pink princess gown. Chef’s kiss. Also I may have ranted and raved about bell sleeves but let’s make full flower bouquet sleeves happen.

Stunning sequin work. Looks like it belongs in a museum.

I’m not really a fan of the color green, especially a shade as boogery as this one, but Taylor is nothing if not calculated in each color that she wears in public. So if I know my Swifties, we’ll have a theory by the time the clock strikes twelve. All I took away from this is that her rack looks phenomenal. 

A big proponent of male cleavage, we’ve gotta give credit to the trailblazer and godfather of splashy looks, Lenny.

I’m obsessed with a matching set and I’m obsessed with glitz so of course I’m gonna get down with a sequin lady-suit.

Thanks to Calvin Klein we all are picturing what’s underneath here, amirite?! WINK.

Credit where credit’s due, sparkle jacket. Also that necklace is like one step away from being puka shells and that’s a line I’m not willing to let anyone straddle. Get your shit together, Tim.

I want this dress. 

His luscious locks are still the envy of most women and he even manages to pull off leather gloves without looking like a total serial killer.

Kate threw me for a loop here! I’d expect to see Lady Gaga wearing this onstage and I’m pleasantly surprised to see it on a red carpet. Those platforms alone are a risk, mostly for a body cast if she takes a tumble but also fashionwise.

Perf fash choice for the cool girl 70’s musician role that she played. 

A stellar red moment and another bob! Bobs are back, BB. Should I get one? LMK.

I can’t tell if she’s wearing bedazzled glasses or if it’s just the reflection of the camera flashes but I like them. As someone who used to wear fake glasses all the time as a kid because I thought they were cute, I love when someone rocks a pair of frames. The dress is kinda hotel bedsheet supreme so let’s just focus on the specs.

Timeless! (Guys, my best dressed list is HEAVY for this one and you KNOW how hard it is to think of something original to say for each and every outfit so please accept that I’ve crushed it thus far and I’m starting to fade.)

Honestly a little conflicted here because it’s John Krasinski and it would hurt my soul to put both John AND the Gos on the worst dressed but also anyone who wears a suit jacket of this color looks just like a waiter/bellhop/valet. The goal should be to not look like someone in the service industry when you’re a rich person dressing for an exclusive invite-only awards show. But we’ll let it slide, just this time.

Kristen has been getting edgier and edgier in her fashion choices and usually I puke in my hands at the sight of them but this one works! Props to this dark sexy angel lewk.

This works. That’s all I’ve got.

OH OK HANNAH, I SEE YOU. She knows how to WeRk that hourglass figure and I love the contrast of this little Morticia numba against the purest of beige flower walls.

Almost blends right into the background. Sure I mock bows a lot but this one seems to be an appropriate size for the dress. Honestly it’s size and placement that get my knickers in a twist when it comes to bows. Don’t put it on the butt and don’t have it be comically large in a weird spot and I won’t roast the smithereens out of it.

Initially I was like KEVIN COSTNER IS BACK, YO! Those shades? Ultimate cool guy move. But then…he did one of the cringiest bits with America Ferrera while presenting  and my sister and I exchanged a flurry of texts wondering if he was indeed ok. His voice was scratchy, he seemed real out of it and even the photo he posted was awkward. So someone pls do a wellness check on Kev.

You know my rule! I cut all of the snoozertons who wear the same black tux because they don’t deserve my fashion honors. It’s the risktakers I want to see like this bloke. His lapel is perfectly coordinated with the wall behind him.

Would’ve thought I’d hate this uneven hem but it’s doing exactly what it should be doing. A quick trick of the eye making her legs look hot hot hot. Great color too.

Is Elizabeth attending her own wedding?! Obsessed with the corset bodice and lace.

This is the closest Jen has gotten to “The Rachel” in years and how fun!! She looks sassy and youthful. She keeps it basic for her dresses usually but always looks like a 10 so no need to jazz that up.

She’s the Queen for a reason, people.

I genuinely forget that these two are married in real life and then a red carpet rolls around and I’m like oh ya. Look a lil stiff but this car wash frock is keeping things spicy!

Ya I know I dumped on her costar who was basically wearing the same thing but her version is just clicking better for me. Could be the skinny arm runway attitude. 

It’s giving Amalfi Coast in the best kind of way. What a breezy leisure suit.

s/o this guy for giving me something different to look at. BUTTONS!

Chessie going for real life Jessica Rabbit in the best kind of way.

See John Krasinski’s caption for my thoughts on this shade of suit, but I’ll give it to him for the pattern switch-up. No, I did not get bullied into watching Saltburn like the rest of the internet did and surprisingly I have no FOMO.

GORGE. No notes.

BEST LOOK OF THE NIGHT:

HOLY BOMBSHELL! Not in the original roundup that I scrolled through before drafting this blog, when the camera panned to her for her nomination I literally gasped. WHAT A MOMENT. The coordinated red, the buttons, the leg, the cleavage. ALL OF IT HELL YES. And an additional moment of silence for that ribboned ponytail. Suffice to say, Midge would approve. Would’ve killed to see her attempt to get up onstage in this but unfortunately she didn’t take home a Globe.

That’s it for me for this round, see ya next weekend. Goombah Barbie, OUT. ✌️