Red Carpet

Golden Globes Red Carpet 2018

The minute it was announced that everyone would be wearing black to the Golden Globes in protest, a single black tear rolled down my cheek, LC style. But you know what? I decided to pull myself up by my bootstraps and soldier on with my red carpet blog anyway. I’ve accepted this as a challenge to judge dresses that are almost exactly the same, thus completely going against anything Hollywood ever intended with this move. Maybe next time they’ll think twice about pulling a protest on the red carpet. TRY AND STOP ME FROM JUDGING YOUR LOOKS WHILE I STUFF CHEESE INTO MY CHEESEHOLE ON THE COUCH.

WORST

75th Annual Golden Globe Awards - Arrivals

I remain completely unconvinced that this is Viola Davis. Seriously, try to prove to me that it is because it looks NOTHING like her. Who did this to you, Viola?

75th Annual Golden Globe Awards, Arrivals, Los Angeles, USA - 07 Jan 2018

My irrational hate for Nicole Kidman translates to everything that she wears.

75th Annual Golden Globe Awards - Arrivals

This red carpet’s trend was one sleeve and I couldn’t have hated it more.

NBC's "75th Annual Golden Globe Awards" - Red Carpet Arrivals

I can almost guarantee that Angelina’s worn this exact dress before.

75th Annual Golden Globe Awards - Arrivals

Mariah is such a joke at this point why are we even still inviting her to awards shows? Also wtf is that diagonal seatbelt strap? Is it supposed to distract us from the fact that her nipples are dragging along the red carpet with her?

NBC's "75th Annual Golden Globe Awards" - Red Carpet Arrivals

Hey Halle, you can have a hawt bod and still not strut the red carpet in lingerie. Clean it up.

NBC's "75th Annual Golden Globe Awards" - Red Carpet Arrivals

It’s the combo of the one sleever and the fact that this dress looks like it was hemmed to the wrong height that really aren’t doing it for me.

75th Annual Golden Globe Awards, Arrivals, Los Angeles, USA - 07 Jan 2018

Get outta here Kendall, with that cupcake ass lookin dress.

emma-watson

The fanned collar and sleeve REALLY playing up a clown vibe here.

NBC's "75th Annual Golden Globe Awards" - Red Carpet Arrivals

WTF is with this sleeve thing?

NBC's "75th Annual Golden Globe Awards" - Red Carpet Arrivals

This gives me terrible flashbacks to when “boleros” were in trend when I was like 12 and basically I just wore a piece of fabric over my shoulders to middle school every day and called it a cardi.

75th Annual Golden Globe Awards - Arrivals

This dress is stupid and I don’t have anything else to say about it.

75th Annual Golden Globe Awards, Arrivals, Los Angeles, USA - 07 Jan 2018

If Amy’s dress didn’t have like a tie or a overlay on top or whatever else is happening up there I would like it just fine.

NBC's "75th Annual Golden Globe Awards" - Red Carpet Arrivals

It looks like America asked to borrow her husband’s jacket because it was chilly on the red carpet or something. And I forever wish velvet would go away and never come back.

NBC's "75th Annual Golden Globe Awards" - Red Carpet Arrivals

Little House on the Prairie edition of this year’s red carpet.

NBC's "75th Annual Golden Globe Awards" - Arrivals

This vag panel is so beyond unflattering and makes Debra’s hips look like the widest canyon on this planet.

75th Annual Golden Globe Awards, Arrivals, Los Angeles, USA - 07 Jan 2018

This is a frumpy frock if I’ve ever seen one.

NBC's "75th Annual Golden Globe Awards" - Arrivals

I’m not down with the open front, mullet back dress and also is she wearing two different shoes?

NBC's "75th Annual Golden Globe Awards" - Red Carpet Arrivals

Ugh. This dress looks like it was pinned together and then there’s those booties…

NBC's "75th Annual Golden Globe Awards" - Arrivals

This dress is one of those that I looked at quickly and was like ok looks good, then saw it on screen as Allison presented and was like WTF IS THAT ATROCITY. So it obviously didn’t translate well IRL.

75th Annual Golden Globe Awards, Arrivals, Los Angeles, USA - 07 Jan 2018

This dress is whatever but G belongs on the worst dressed for the way she quite literally tacked a fake pony tail onto her head. Looking at her straight on you can’t even tell, because that’s how awkwardly fake that ponytail was. Take my word for it, it was an atrocity.

BEST

75th Annual Golden Globe Awards, Arrivals, Los Angeles, USA - 07 Jan 2018

Classic beaut, simple dress.

Moet & Chandon At The 75th Annual Golden Globe Awards - Red Carpet

DAMN, CZJ, GET IT GURL.

NBC's "75th Annual Golden Globe Awards" - Red Carpet Arrivals

Suave as a MF’er.

NBC's "75th Annual Golden Globe Awards" - Arrivals

Ya girl Reese is apparently besties with every woman in Hollywood. I don’t hate it, just like I don’t hate either of these dresses.

75th Annual Golden Globe Awards, Arrivals, Los Angeles, USA - 07 Jan 2018

In a sea of plain black dresses you had to know that I was going to be LIVING for any sort of deviation from the boring. This is sparkly and fun and makes us forget Margot Robbie ever donned 80’s puffy bangs to play Tonya Harding.

NBC's "75th Annual Golden Globe Awards" - Arrivals

What a class act this girl is. So age approps and elegant.

NBC's "75th Annual Golden Globe Awards" - Arrivals

Aziz looks like he’s posing for his school picture and it’s the cutest thing ever. My friend Kat and I decided that if we ever met Aziz we’d probably pinch is wittle cheeks.

75th Annual Golden Globe Awards - Arrivals

What hot guy doesn’t look good in a black tux?

NBC's "75th Annual Golden Globe Awards" - Red Carpet Arrivals

YAS Armie with the patterned jacket. His wife’s curtain tied around her waist can go.

75th Annual Golden Globe Awards - Arrivals

The host looking fresh to death.

75th Annual Golden Globe Awards, Arrivals, Los Angeles, USA - 07 Jan 2018

I’m willing to forget that Dave Franco awkwardly said “hi baby” into the camera 10 times when they told him his wife was talking to Giuliana on the red carpet because he has sparkly lapels and it is doing everything for this look.

75th Annual Golden Globe Awards - Arrivals, Beverly Hills, USA - 07 Jan 2018

Another subtle pattern making it’s way into the mix.

NBC's "75th Annual Golden Globe Awards" - Red Carpet Arrivals

I love love LOOOVE this from top to bottom. It’s too bad she gets the shaft from BLL because she’s not in the inner Reese-Nicole kewl kids circle.

NBC's "75th Annual Golden Globe Awards" - Arrivals

YOU KNOW HOW I LOVE A LITTLE SPAARKLE!

75th Annual Golden Globe Awards - Arrivals

Laurie is crushing it without needing to have her tits poppin out all over the joint and I’m all about the pop of color with her shoes.

75th Annual Golden Globe Awards - Arrivals

I’m just a girl, judging a red carpet, living for any sort of texture or pattern other than plain black. Also this cut is very flattering on her.

75th Annual Golden Globe Awards, Arrivals, Los Angeles, USA - 07 Jan 2018

Oddly digging the top knot and plain dress here.

75th Annual Golden Globe Awards, Arrivals, Los Angeles, USA - 07 Jan 2018

I know nothing about Sterling’s wife but I’ve decided in my head that she must be just like Beth on This is Us, in which case she’s such a ride or die that he was probably like I’m gonna wear this suit and she was like ME 2. And they look cool as hell.

75th Annual Golden Globe Awards - Arrivals, Beverly Hills, USA - 07 Jan 2018

COLOR COLOR COLOR!!!!!!!

75th Annual Golden Globe Awards, Arrivals, Los Angeles, USA - 07 Jan 2018

Lotta onesie pantsuits up in this B. Hard flares aren’t usually my thing but I really love the top of this so I’m gonna let it slide.

NBC's "75th Annual Golden Globe Awards" - Red Carpet Arrivals

This is fierce and I kind of want it for myself.

NBC's "75th Annual Golden Globe Awards" - Arrivals

LOOK GUYS, WHITE!!!!!

75th Annual Golden Globe Awards - Arrivals

He can do no wrong.

NBC's "75th Annual Golden Globe Awards" - Red Carpet Arrivals

Keeping the gender equality alive on my red carpet even though I have nothing to say about the same black tux over and over with a good looking guy wearing it.

kate-hudson

I mostly just want to know how it’s possible to have your boobs look like this without a bra. Like is this a celebrity trick? That they’re just perky and fabulous looking in a scandalous dress? Because I rip my bra off the second I enter my apt each evening and I have nothing but slops yabs. Kate, lemme know how you do it, gurl.

75th Annual Golden Globe Awards, Arrivals, Los Angeles, USA - 07 Jan 2018

One of the best looks of the night. Respect the trend/protest because you look like an asshole if you don’t but add something to make it original. This sash and matching lip stands out and looks baller. High fives for MM.

FAAAVEEE OF THE NIGHT:

75th Annual Golden Globe Awards, Arrivals, Los Angeles, USA - 07 Jan 2018

These two rolled up jamming out to JT’s new single and then when being interviewed Jessica was all, I couldn’t live my life if Justin wasn’t there to support me and take care of the house while I’m out acting. Could they be more perfect? Sigh.

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Red Carpet

Golden Globes Red Carpet 2017

Welcome to this year’s Golden Globe Awards, where the sponsor was double stick tape. This time I decided to change things up (#newyearnewme) by actually showering on a Sunday. It made me feel a LITTLE better to judge others from my couch with clean hair for once. Also went back to the gym and rocked a killer return-to-the-gym workout outfit. Both of these random brags about my life were specifically included to show you JUST how qualified I am to be forcing my fashion opinions down your throat.

NBC's "74th Annual Golden Globe Awards" - Arrivals

Sweet lab coat with a rosary hanging off it, Pharell. The black beanie really polishes off the look.

NBC's "74th Annual Golden Globe Awards" - Red Carpet Arrivals

I actually love this dress but I’m so over her hair being this short.

74th Annual Golden Globe Awards - Arrivals

Pantsuit.

74th Annual Golden Globe Awards - Arrivals

Last one was a pantsuit and this is a poop suit. Also, velvet, really?

74th Annual Golden Globe Awards - Arrivals

Love this dress, hate the hair.

NBC's "74th Annual Golden Globe Awards" - Arrivals

This is the Golden Globes, Jonah. Leave your kicks for the VMA’s.

74th Annual Golden Globe Awards - Arrivals

I get that Keri’s just trying to jump on the choker trend but pairing it with a Cheetah dress was really pushing it to Jersey Shore status.

74th Annual Golden Globe Awards, Arrivals, Los Angeles, USA - 08 Jan 2017

Are these pants? Is there supposed to be a split down the middle? It looks like she ripped her dress on a tree branch or something.

74th Annual Golden Globe Awards - Arrivals

Connie, GIRL, what is this?! One side tank, one side tee? Her left pit probably just gets extra sweaty.

NBC's "74th Annual Golden Globe Awards" - Red Carpet Arrivals

Can appreciate her going for the boobs out trend, this dress sucks though. It looks like something Kacey Musgraves would wear and that is NOT a compliment.

NBC's "74th Annual Golden Globe Awards" - Red Carpet Arrivals

No. Just no.

NBC's "74th Annual Golden Globe Awards" - Red Carpet Arrivals

It’s clear that I’m just hating the should cut outs of the night but also milkmaid braids on top of this made it 1 billion times worse.

74th Annual Golden Globe Awards - Arrivals

I’m a strong defender of the opinion that if Carrie’s legs aren’t showing, her look is garbage. Not only is she fully covered but the top is a disaster. People of twitter were comparing it to a vagina. Yikes.

74th Annual Golden Globe Awards, Arrivals, Los Angeles, USA - 08 Jan 2017

You know what would look really trendy? If we sewed a bird onto a dress amongst a bunch of chunky flowers.

74th Annual Golden Globe Awards, Arrivals, Los Angeles, USA - 08 Jan 2017

This is a bridesmaids dress from hell.

74th Annual Golden Globe Awards - Arrivals

Sienna Miller comin in hot looking like Wilma Flintstone.

74th Annual Golden Globe Awards, Arrivals, Los Angeles, USA - 08 Jan 2017

The skirt part is ok, the top and closing the deal with a bedazzled bow really turned it all to shit.

74th Annual Golden Globe Awards - Arrivals

Never a good idea for a white guy to wear a white tux.

NBC's "74th Annual Golden Globe Awards" - Red Carpet Arrivals

I stared at this picture thinking she was wearing white tights on her arms and then laughed for like 10 minutes. So that’s where we’re at.

emilyratajkowski

Do infinity times less.

74th Annual Golden Globe Awards, Arrivals, Los Angeles, USA - 08 Jan 2017

Equivalent to taking a bed sheet and tossing a belt around it, toga party style.

74th Annual Golden Globe Awards - Arrivals

Peplum AND a collar=barf.com

74th Annual Golden Globe Awards, Arrivals, Los Angeles, USA - 08 Jan 2017

I don’t mean to keep hating on the ladies who chose pants but I didn’t like any of these looks. Not even a leather bralette could sway me.

BEST

74th Annual Golden Globe Awards, Arrivals, Los Angeles, USA - 08 Jan 2017

Even though she’s essentially the same color as the dress, Emma’s obviously killing it otherwise.

blake

Um, hi you’re the perfect couple.

NBC's "74th Annual Golden Globe Awards" - Red Carpet Arrivals

This dress is a little scandalous but not quite as bad as half of Hollywood going nips out so I dig it.

74th Annual Golden Globe Awards, Arrivals, Los Angeles, USA - 08 Jan 2017

This is fun and simple and it kind of looks like she’s wearing a tiara, which is a boss move.

Entertainment: 74th Golden Globe Awards

Cuba may have sucked as OJ but this jacket is where it’s at.

74th Annual Golden Globe Awards - Arrivals

The guy who does drugs and goes to Disney World cleans up real well.

74th Annual Golden Globe Awards - Arrivals

It’s like a painting of perfection.

74th Annual Golden Globe Awards, Arrivals, Los Angeles, USA - 08 Jan 2017

I love the shit out of this and then there’s just like one stripe of fabric on her hip adorned with pins that makes no sense.

74th Annual Golden Globe Awards - Arrivals

Busy’s dress kinda sucks but Michelle is giving me all sorts of ideas for werking a ribbon choker into my lineup.

74th Annual Golden Globe Awards, Arrivals, Los Angeles, USA - 08 Jan 2017

The lip matches the dress!!!

74th Annual Golden Globe Awards, Arrivals, Los Angeles, USA - 08 Jan 2017

Preeettty sure I saw Anna Kendrick’s right nipple.

74th Annual Golden Globe Awards, Arrivals, Los Angeles, USA - 08 Jan 2017

The GOAT rocking Tom Ford and that’s obvious.

74th Annual Golden Globe Awards - Arrivals

JLD doesn’t age even for a second.

74th Annual Golden Globe Awards, Arrivals, Los Angeles, USA - 08 Jan 2017

There’s nothing I love more than when youngn’s in Hollywood dress for their age. BRAVO.

74th Annual Golden Globe Awards, Arrivals, Los Angeles, USA - 08 Jan 2017

Dayyummn, Dax.

74th Annual Golden Globe Awards, Arrivals, Los Angeles, USA - 08 Jan 2017

Why wear a necklace when your boobs can be the main attraction?

NBC's "74th Annual Golden Globe Awards" - Red Carpet Arrivals

Natalie is channeling Jackie O and I don’t hate it.

74th Annual Golden Globe Awards, Arrivals, Los Angeles, USA - 08 Jan 2017

I could literally stare at her chest all day. ALL DAY.

74th Annual Golden Globe Awards, Arrivals, Los Angeles, USA - 08 Jan 2017

Pretty sure Amy Adams has worn some variation of this dress before but if it ain’t broke don’t fix it.

NBC's "74th Annual Golden Globe Awards" - Red Carpet Arrivals

Yes, please.

74th Annual Golden Globe Awards, Executive Arrivals, Los Angeles, USA - 08 Jan 2017

This is the perfect princess gown.

74th Annual Golden Globe Awards, Arrivals, Los Angeles, USA - 08 Jan 2017

Get it, Felicity!

74th Annual Golden Globe Awards - Arrivals

Not sure how Kristin became an E red carpet correspondent but she looks fab.

74th Annual Golden Globe Awards, Arrivals, Los Angeles, USA - 08 Jan 2017

Shoutout to a fellow big booty.

74th Annual Golden Globe Awards, Arrivals, Los Angeles, USA - 08 Jan 2017

I wanted to hate this but I kinda can’t take my eyes off of it.

74th Annual Golden Globe Awards, Arrivals, Los Angeles, USA - 08 Jan 2017

BEDAZZLED shades to match his suit?! Fresh2death. Plus he’s got the hottest chick in the game rockin his chain.

74th Annual Golden Globe Awards, Arrivals, Los Angeles, USA - 08 Jan 2017

Another princess gown that I want to twirl around in. I believe this was the dress that motivated me to note that I’ll be needing a 360 cam for my wedding day so I can do a slow motion spin.

ryan-gosling

Remember how earlier I said white guys can’t wear white tuxes? Yeah, this doesn’t apply to Ryan. I need to change my undies just from a glance at this pic.

BEST LOOK:

mandymoore

Mandy Moore coming back in a BIG way. She looks flawless and out of all the stars that went tits out for the red carpet, she was my fave.

No recap for this show because I don’t think it could have been any more boring if they tried. No one got drunk and made an ass of themselves, no one gave a funny acceptance speech and there was NOT ENOUGH JT. But seriously, as soon as I heard JFall was hosting I anticipated all of the great things him and JT would do onstage and all we got was a 20 second cameo at the beginning and the next 3.5 hours were JT dry. That should be illegal.

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Movies, Television

Golden Globes 2016 Recap

LEOISPERFECT

Our first Golden Globes post the Tina and Amy era and they were sorely missed. They weren’t even physically there to at least give us a glimpse of what we were missing. Ricky Gervais is famous for hosting the Globes a whole bunch of times and then getting fired because everyone had outrage over how mean his comedy was. And he certainly welcomed himself back without toning it down an inch last night. His first joke was about Caitlyn Jenner not doing a service to female drivers. Welp, someone actually died in that car accident so I’m gonna guess this one won’t go over so well but what a nice kickoff to the evening to see the uproarious crowd laughter for something so offensive. His monologue had a lot of jabs at females all around and he gave more than a few celebs the uncomfies. Good for him. His tendency to giggle at his own jokes and his British accent pretty much get him out of everything.

ricky

Full Discloszh: this recap may be missing a few things because my power went out mid-show like I live in a cabin out in the wilderness or something and I missed some action while the cable box slowly rebooted. The hardships I go through just to deliver a good recap. If the power tries to F with me again during Awards Season, National Grid is going to hear a thing or two from me.

Update: As of 11:21pm my power left me again only this time I was by myself and obviously convinced that someone cut it and was coming to kill me like I was Peyton Sawyer awaiting the wrath of Psycho Derek or something. #Blessed to be alive right now.

NO:

-The first bit of the night is Jonah Hill pretending to be the bear from The Revenant by making dumb jokes about honey while wearing a bear hat. It was bad on its own, but then half of it was bleeped out so what’s the fun in that? The only saving grace was hearing Channing “shitty comb over” Tatum ask Jonah what Leonardo Dicaprio tasted like.

 

-Rachel Bloom, lead actress of CW show “Crazy Ex-Girlfriend” unexpectedly wins and basically just gets onstage and shouts a lot while her boobs struggle to be freed from her very tight dress. In a one-sentence summary, my friend Lindsey said, “That was something.”

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-The Golden Globes have been happening for a while now. In which case I would assume they have had ample time to solve the seating chart sitch. There should be no waiting as winners walk from the back of the theater and weave their way through tables to get to the stage.

– Lady Gaga and Taylor Kinney just had sex on a canvas and blasted pics of it everywhere but it must not have been that good because she didn’t even thank him in her speech. She was speechless though so that’s her excuse (as the music played her out.)

-It must’ve been a real rowdy crowd this year or someone in the control room got a little slap happy with the bleep but pretty much half of the show was cut out and the crowd was constantly being shushed like a classroom full of kindergarteners. Listen, I get that you’re trying to be family friendly but there’s a way to let the adults in the room insinuate what the joke is by bleeping out a word or two. I feel like I missed half the show (or at least the best parts) because of the over-censoring.

 

YES!:

-This dead guy.

-In a show where several presenters kind of just babbled and tried out new material that didn’t work so hot, Eva Longoria and America Ferrara nailed it with their bit about being confused for other Latina actresses. Accidental racism in Hollywood, it’s funny because it’s true.

-Jaimie Alexander (who was best dressed of the night, according to me) couldn’t read the teleprompter fast enough and asked who was typing it. This conjured up images of someone ferociously typing everything backstage and made me giggle. Also as a fellow shitty teleprompter operator–c’mon Jaimie. Act like a pro and adapt.

-A Schu & J. Law introduce clips of their movies AKA they just babble a bunch of words because Hollywood–and basic betches–are obsessed with their friendship so they could’ve pretty much done anything and people would eat that shit right up.

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-Will Ferrell and Mark Wahlberg wished us a Happy New Year with their eyewear and Will politely asked everyone to stop snickering and chatting & acting like real buttholes. This might’ve been the only time I laughed out loud. Quickest way to get a full belly laugh from me is the word butthole. True story of an eight-year-old boy stuck in a 24-year-old female’s body.

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-Don’t you even think of getting in Gaga’s way, Leo.

gagaleo

-Denzel wins the big award that is decided beforehand and his acceptance speech is still a hot mess. Bonus points for him and the wifey basically doing a sketch of my parents onstage though. He can’t find his speech, then he can’t read it because he doesn’t have his glasses. His wife can’t read it either because she doesn’t have her glasses. Welcome to the glasses shuffle every single time I try to show my parents something on my phone.

-Ryan Gosling drool city.

-Taraji wins for her role as Cookie and hands out cookies on her way up, which made me love her even more AND get real hungry. The sass comes out to play as she shouts at the guy helping her up the steps to get off her train. They try to play her off but they gonn’ learn that you don’t cut off Cookie. She takes her sweet ass time obviously.

-J.Law wants to be buried next to David O. Russell (Fun Fact.)

-LEO FINALLY WINS!!!!!!!! Always the bridesmaid, never the bride, Leonardo Dicaprio wins lead actor for The Revenant and of course gives a classy and composed speech, even as he’s being played off. The nerve that these turds had to play music over his long-awaited shining moment. He even found time to shout it out to his friends—~~YoU KnoW wHo u R~~ MD.BA.JL.JH

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-I feel like Ricky Gervais harassing Mel Gibson on stage should’ve been hilarious but we didn’t get to hear half of it. We did get to hear Ricky’s last words of the show: “From myself and Mel Gibson, Shalom.” PS this is what was bleeped and it made good ole Mel real uncomfy.

mel

 

In summary: If the Globes were this boring, I’m terrified for the Oscars.

Click here for full list of winners.

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Red Carpet

Golden Globes Red Carpet 2016

Since I’m immature I still watch E’s red carpet (I assume everyone does) and this year’s highlights included Giuliana being the most awkward bird alive-as always. She did a weird light saber fight with the kid from Room, asked everyone uncomfy questions and tried to make it all about herself. On the other hand, we had Ryan Seacrest whose approach to red carpet chat was throwing celebs together whether they had met or not. The best pair being Jennifer Lawrence and Katy Perry. As Katy blubbered on, J.Law gave a polite smile while her eyes said that she hated Katy and her Jersey Shore trash hair.

WORST:

73rd Annual Golden Globe Awards - Arrivals

This isn’t your time to shine girl. Take your bumpit and go home.

NBC's "73rd Annual Golden Globe Awards" - Red Carpet Arrivals

Mark Ruffalo with The Lovely Bones rape glasses.

NBC's "73rd Annual Golden Globe Awards" - Arrivals

I have a strong feeling that Kate Winslet has worn this dress before.

73rd Annual Golden Globe Awards - Arrivals

This dress doubles as a Mummy costume.

73rd Annual Golden Globe Awards - Arrivals

Curtains for the drawing room.

NBC's "73rd Annual Golden Globe Awards" - Red Carpet Arrivals

I’m beginning to believe that Maggie just plays into always wearing something hideous. She’s got to be in on the joke at this point.

73rd Annual Golden Globe Awards - Arrivals

When will people learn that ruffles are never flattering.

73rd Annual Golden Globe Awards - Arrivals

Sparkle trash bag

73rd Annual Golden Globe Awards - Arrivals

This is a whole lot.

73rd Annual Golden Globe Awards - Arrivals

Please see my ruffles  comment above.

73rd Annual Golden Globe Awards - Arrivals

Not in love with the dusty pink and vag golden leaves.

NBC's "73rd Annual Golden Globe Awards" - Arrivals

1 fish, 2 fish, red fish, blue fish.

NBC's "73rd Annual Golden Globe Awards" - Arrivals

Gina usually blows me away and this was just alright. But it does have pockets, which is every girl’s dream.

73rd Annual Golden Globe Awards - Arrivals

I hate all aspects of this dress. It looks like something Kacey Musgraves would wear with her honkin cowboy boots and a hat.

73rd Annual Golden Globe Awards, Arrivals, Los Angeles, America - 10 Jan 2016

HOW did he get invited to this? Do you think he just stumbled upon the red carpet and starting throwing around finger gunz?! You just got HOFFED.

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“This black dress is kinda boring, let’s glue a giant bow to the front”- a rich designer, probably.

73rd Annual Golden Globe Awards - Arrivals

The sequin overload is blinding and THEN there’s a cape.

NBC's "73rd Annual Golden Globe Awards" - Arrivals

The glittery fire flames on her chest, though.

73rd Annual Golden Globe Awards - Arrivals

What’s with the sparkle factory throw up trend?

NBC's "73rd Annual Golden Globe Awards" - Arrivals

My annoyance of Maria is no secret but is she for serious with this cleavage?

Golden Globe Awards 2016-Arrivals

I mean I don’t really need to see proof that Nancy O’Dell got a Brazilian before she hit the carpet.

73rd Annual Golden Globe Awards - Arrivals

This is a weird jumpsuit sitch.

73rd Annual Golden Globe Awards - Arrivals

I love a good crop coord but the matching choker ruined this whole deal. Also if this is what abs look like on a girl I’m fine not having them.

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No thank you to the double breasted buttons

73rd Annual Golden Globe Awards - Arrivals

I actually originally liked this look for JLo, you know cause her bits are covered and she still looks amahzing. But then my friend pointed out she looks like mustard and ketchup and now I can’t unsee it.

BEST:

73rd Annual Golden Globe Awards, Arrivals, Los Angeles, America - 10 Jan 2016

SHE’S 70. DAMN.

73rd Annual Golden Globe Awards - Arrivals

Lick.

73rd Annual Golden Globe Awards - Arrivals

Love a good blue suit.

73rd Annual Golden Globe Awards - Arrivals

Julianne is another one who always wears almost exactly the same dress but whatevs cause it ain’t broke.

NBC's "73rd Annual Golden Globe Awards" - Arrivals

I hated Michael B. Jordan when I was forced to watch him every week instead of Riggins on FNL. But he’s so fiery hot lately that I’ve forgiven him.

73rd Annual Golden Globe Awards - Arrivals

J.Law can do no wrong.

73rd Annual Golden Globe Awards - Arrivals

For the love of God, will somebody please give this man an award?

NBC's "73rd Annual Golden Globe Awards" - Arrivals

Julia always brings the heat.

73rd Annual Golden Globe Awards - Arrivals

Sassy patterned suit jacket.

73rd Annual Golden Globe Awards, Arrivals, Los Angeles, America - 10 Jan 2016

She looks ***Flawless.

73rd Annual Golden Globe Awards - Arrivals

The red on red is working in Amy’s favor.

73rd Annual Golden Globe Awards - Arrivals

Classy and flattering for Queenie

73rd Annual Golden Globe Awards - Arrivals

I don’t LOVE how flat this dress makes my #1 girl crush look, but I will never put her on the worst dressed. I just can’t.

73rd Annual Golden Globe Awards - Arrivals

A.Schu is killin it

73rd Annual Golden Globe Awards - Arrivals

Jenna looks like a dime, Channing’s piecy combover is really ruining things here.

73rd Annual Golden Globe Awards - Arrivals

Sparkles that aren’t over the top

73rd Annual Golden Globe Awards - Arrivals

Taraji is always fierce. Of course she has a cape.

73rd Annual Golden Globe Awards - Arrivals

Don’t know how to pronounce her name but she looks gorge.

73rd Annual Golden Globe Awards - Arrivals

Embodied kewl couple, she looks like a smoke, he’s wearing kicks with a tux.

NBC's "73rd Annual Golden Globe Awards" - Arrivals

The only hot pink I saw and I’m INTO it.

73rd Annual Golden Globe Awards - Arrivals

This one threw me for a loop. Kirsten is looking goooood.

73rd Annual Golden Globe Awards - Arrivals

Oh, David. Your suit game is so on point.

Brie looks like a golden goddess.

alancumming

Since I’ve been aggressively mean to his outfits in the past, here’s a nice look with sneaks that I basically own.

NBC's "73rd Annual Golden Globe Awards" - Arrivals

I actually really like this color on her and clearly she has the flat mid section for love handle cutouts, unlike myself.

NBC's "73rd Annual Golden Globe Awards" - Arrivals

Honestly all hail Sophia Bush.

73rd Annual Golden Globe Awards - Arrivals

Love the style and color of this gown.

73rd Annual Golden Globe Awards - Arrivals

Sam Smith giving it to me with that scruff.

73rd Annual Golden Globe Awards - Arrivals

America’s a skinny mini now!

73rd Annual Golden Globe Awards, Arrivals, Los Angeles, America - 10 Jan 2016

RED HOT.

NBC's "73rd Annual Golden Globe Awards" - Arrivals

Keeping it simple is usually the way to go.

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This was a little surprising that Bob Odenkirk was keeping it spicy and trendy.

MY FAVORITE LOOK OF THE NIGHT:

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Television

Golden Globes Recap

Did I have unreasonably high expectations for this year’s Golden Globes because Amy and Tina have killed it for two years now? Yes, yes I did. I poured myself a tall glass of wine (red…because I’m an adult now) and settled in for some LOL’s with people I pretend are my close friends. I’m gonna have to admit that the monologue was funny with some jokes that crushed it, but overall I don’t think this was their best one. Probably because it was their last and they mailed it in but let’s break it down.

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The Monologue:

The focus of their jokes right off the bat were North Korea, unfortunately but at least they got a few jabs at the shitty movie that started this drama “The Interview”, Amy thanked North Korea for “forcing us all to pretend we wanted to see it.” While discussing the big movies up for awards, Amy & Tina pointed out that there was a live painting of Big Eyes in the audience as the camera panned to Emma Stone. Emma proved to be the good sport of this year’s awards and hammed it up, taking the joke like a champ. The gals explain what cake is to the starving actresses of Hollywood and say that it’s something women who admit that they have aged get on their birthday. It wouldn’t be an awards show without mention of Clooney and his new other half, Tina lists all of Amal’s impressive accomplishments and then knocks Clooney because HE’S the one receiving a lifetime achievement award. Since these two goons have been friends for “50 years”, they play their fave game Who Would You Rather with celebs and it’s perfect and full of sex puns. Amy picking Mark Ruffalo and saying “I like it ruffalo” for the win. The Theory of Everything is summed up in one sentence by Amy, “A crippling nerve disease and super complicated math.” Who doesn’t love that? Then we get into some Bill Cosby rape jokes, which apparently made everyone uncomfy but I thought it was hilarious. Describing Into the Woods, “Sleeping Beauty just thought she was getting coffee with Bill Cosby.” followed by Tina and Amy doing their best Bill Cosby impressions was probably the highlight of the whole monologue. I can always get down with offensive jokes. They wrapped it up with a little call and response cheer with the crowd and I still want to be friends with them a whole lot. (Watch Full Monologue here)

Highs:

-On the E! Red Carpet when both Ryan Seacrest and Giuliana Rancic couldn’t find their chill around Amal & Clooney. Ryan debuted a stupid shirt that said Game Over with a bride and groom and said it was Clooney’s wedding gift. Giuliana tried to get them to do a tequila shot with her and they were both like no thanks and she took one anyway and was super concerned afterward that Clooney still liked her. Slobberfest.

-The tables at the awards are basically on top of each other and watching women in heels maneuver that like a maze, especially when coming from the cheap seats in the back was entertaining.

-Either the A/C wasn’t working or everyone there had the liquor sweats because the shine factor was 1 billion and it was great seeing all those hours of glam squad go to waste. They literally showed someone paper toweling their face at one point.

-Apparently Jen Aniston almost flashed her RB curtains while getting up to present the first award but I wasn’t paying attention so basically it didn’t happen.

-JLo and Jeremy Renner present an award together and Jenny from tha block asks Jeremy if she should open the envelope because she has the nails (obv.) and Renner quips “You’ve got the globes too.” ZINGGGG. JLo looked offended and uncomfy but like you don’t almost show nip and then act surprised when someone calls you out for it. Own it gurl.

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– Matthew Bomer wins for The Normal Heart (I SAW THIS!!!) and thanks his husband and kids and apologizes for being a grumpy bitch who weighed LESS THAN ME when he watched them eat pizza while preparing for this role. Also I drooled the whole time he was onstage.

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-“Famous people are above the law, as it should be.”-Ricky Gervais

-Kristin Wiig and Bill Hader present Best Screenplay and botch famous movie quotes with terrible impressions. They’re basically just goofing together with funny voices and I literally cannot get enough of it. This makes up for the shitty North Korea never-ending joke. (Watch Here)

-Clooney crushed his acceptance speech for the Lifetime Achievement award, making it obvious why everyone constantly slobbers all over him. Best moments include: “Now that we’ve all been hacked, we can apologize face to face for all the snarky things we said”, “80% of the people in this room don’t win and then you’re a loser.”(he points out that everyone there is awesome and amazing and if you’re not there you actually are a loser), “It’s a humbling thing when you find someone to love. Amal, I couldn’t be more proud to be your husband.” This time she wasn’t blabbing and was actually paying attention, which was nice.

-John Legend & Common win for Best Original Song and are giving a touching speech about how relevant the movie Selma is, they show Chrissy Teigen in the crowd with frozen cry face. Twitter was ALL over that. Obviously so was Chrissy and she defended herself by saying she doesn’t practice her cry face.

chrissy

-Ruth Wilson wins for best actress in The Affair and thanks a co-star by saying, “Your ass is something of great beauty.” Brits make swearwords sound so elegant and I’m supes jelly.

-I’m 99% sure that Julianne Moore madeout with Matthew McConaughey when she accepted her award.

-Eddie Redmayne wins best Actor for Theory of Everything and shouts it out to his fresh wife in his acceptance speech, they’re honeymooning at the Globes. Ah, young Hollywood love, how adorbsies.

-Jared Leto with the man braid, completely upstaging his previously famous man bun.

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Lows:

-Amy & Tina do a North Korea bit with Margaret Cho as a North Korean and its suuuuper racist and just as played out as the Pizza joke of last year’s Oscars.

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-The stars of Fifty Shades of Grey present an award together and have about as much chemistry as two pieces of bread.

-Prince presents best original song and never fails to creep me the F out. He’s wearing a gold textured suit with cane and signature circle colored sunglasses aka the product of my nightmares. The crowd loses their shit for him though, apparently he’s really loved.

prince

-Katherine Heigl tried out some internet dating jokes about the male nominees with David Duchovny and I could actually hear the crickets. It’s become comical how much Hollywood hates her.

-Julianna Marguiles & Don Cheadle present the Cecil B. DeMille award to Clooney, compete who is better friends with him. It’s pretty awkward and apparently Amal, her highness agrees cause she gets caught yapping away during their “speech”. The following montage makes me realize I’ve seen like two things Clooney is in, which is pretty embarrassing on my part.

-Maggie Gyllenhaal wins and is soooo boring and blaaaahhh and talks about what turns her on and the only thing that makes this speech worth watching is because they show Jake in the audience a whole lot.

-Michael Keaton wins best actor for Birdman and catches a case of the rambles and also a case of the cries as he talks about his best friend and barely chokes out that it’s his son. Also gives us a full family history and his name is actually Michael Douglas? Did I hear that right or did I doze off during this four hour speech? Feel free to correct me if you stayed awake.

-The Globes are known as the most fun awards show because the booze is flowing and yet no one got sloppy drunk and embarrassed themselves or slurred a funny speech. Seems like a missed opportunity.

Full List of Winners:

Best Supporting Actor-JK Simmons, Whiplash

Best Supporting Actress in TV-Joanne Froggatt, Downton Abbey

Best Miniseries/TV Movie-Fargo

Best Actor in Miniseries-Billy Bob Thornton, Fargo

Best Actress in TV- Gina Rodriguez, Jane the Virgin

Best Comedy- Transparent

Best Original Score-Johann Johannsson, Theory of Everything

Best Original Song- Glory- Common, John Legend (Selma)

Best Supporting Actor Miniseries, TV Movie- Matt Bomer, The Normal Heart

Best Actress in Motion Picture (Comedy/Musical)- Amy Adams, Big Eyes

Best Animated Film-How to Train Your Dragon 2

Best Supporting Actress in Motion Picture- Patricia Arquette, Boyhood

Best Screenplay- Birdman (buncha foreigners)

Best Actor in Comedy, Musical TV- Jeffrey Tambor, Transparent

Foreign Language Film-Leviathan, Russia

Actress Miniseries/Movie- Maggie Gyllenhaal, The Honourable Woman

Best TV series/Drama- The Affair

Actor TV Series, Drama- Kevin Spacey, House of Cards

Cecil B. DeMille Award- Clooney

Best Director of Motion Picture- Richard Linklater, Boyhood

Best Actress, TV Series-Drama-Ruth Wilson, The Affair

Best Actor, Motion Picture Comedy or Musical- Michael Keaton, Birdman

Best Motion Picture, Comedy/Musical- The Grand Budapest Hotel

Best Actress in Motion Picture, Drama-Julianne Moore, Still Alice

Best Actor in Motion Picture, Drama- Eddie Redmayne, Theory of Everything

Best Motion Picture, Drama- Boyhood

See ya for the Oscars betchezzzzzz.

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