Week of 2/25/19

1. JoBros Are Back.

No more purity rings for these bros, they’re all spoken for and they do sex now. And what a way to show us all that they do! I mean that scene with Sophie licking her lips at Joe suspended naked from the ceiling? Hot damn! And they’re the only couple that isn’t married! Spicy. I get that they were trying to go for a Taylor Swift in a bath tub full of diamonds or standing on a horse in her yard levels of asshole richness for this video, but I gotta be honest, this doesn’t really seem that far-fetched. I mean they literally just spent a month in India throwing the most lavish wedding celebration ever. I bet they filmed this there too. At like Pri’s family house or something. Also important to note: this video was an open invitation to the gun show, hosted by none other than Nick. Rich or not, Nick would like everyone to know he’s having a steamy affair with lifting weights with the amount he’s been going sleeveless lately. I’m surprised he didn’t pop the top errr fancy patterned trench coat for this formal painted portrait at the end. Cement those swole ‘ceps into history. Anyway, now that I feel like I’ve adequately ripped this vid to shreds, let’s talk about how I don’t hate the song at all and I’ll be turning up to it this weekend. When I have an extra glass of wine before popping in the ole Redbox. THE JONAS BROTHERS ARE IN TOOWNNNNNN. It’s LIT.

2. 90210, Also Back?

I’d like to say that I got the tip off on this news as my sister sent me the official Fox press release. We’ve got connections. 90210 will be returning with the original cast for what I gathered is going to be a reality/meta experience. Brandon, Kelly, Steve, Donna, David & Andrea will return to a 6 episode event playing themselves basically. Apparently it’ll be inspired by their real lives and relationships and I’m just not sure I can do it. First of all, it’s been 19 years since the OG ended. Name one human who looks the same as they did 19 years ago. Age is a sneaky bitch and she hasn’t been kind to all of these cast members. Not going to name names but you know who you are. Secondly, they did a reboot of 90210 with a younger generation that included Kelly in it and Donna popped in for a few epis and I watched it for any breadcrumb of the old characters they might drop and I was NOT pleased to find out that Donna and David weren’t together anymore. What fresh hell is that? If you do a reboot you keep your core couples together and I won’t hear anything otherwise. Lastly, this may be redundant on my point about age but Luke Perry AKA Dylan just suffered a stroke IRL. Hope he’s ok (T’s and P’s) but also that means Kelly and Dylan will never be together and Luke probably won’t be popping onto the show for some guest appearances. Am I shipping TV couples from the 90’s a little too hard? Probably. Am I still going to watch this show? Obviously. See you this summer.

3. Lady Gaga Fooled Us.

Everyone had their panties in a knot after Gaga & Brad’s Oscars Shallow performance, myself included. They eye boned the shit out of each other then snuggled up at the end for what looked like it was going to be a full tongue kiss, but they decided to leave that for the paying customers. 99% of the tweets I was reading were about poor Irina, sitting front row for this cuck-fest, probably planning for joint custody of their child and mentally dividing their assets. Btw, if we’re taking a stance here, I’m firmly #TeamIrina. Don’t break up a family. Gagz. But alas, there’s no need to worry because Gaga went on Kimmel and was like LOL Fooled y’all! Have you uneducated losers ever heard of ACTING?! They were playing their characters and that seems PRETTY obvious. That wasn’t fresh off a broken engagement Gaga and currently taken with a baby Bradley, that was Ally and Jackson, who are very much in love, doing the duet of a lifetime. And us drooling over their looks and touches just gave them the highest compliment we could’ve. Best acting job of the year. Although, if they were playing their characters why wasn’t Bradley completely trashed? Also, spoiler alert–alive? Hmmmmmm…… Either way, still was the best thing about the Oscars and deserves to be watched over and over again.

4. Taylor is V. Active on Insta

Many rabid T.Swift fans are predicting a new music drop tomorrow based on what they believe to be sneaky clues via her Insta. Since Taylor has been calculated every single time she posts, this would not be remotely surprising if it were to be true. (Please say it’s true.) Her last three posts are associated with a countdown of sorts. The first one has palm trees signifying how many albums she’s had–separation for pop and country albums. In her video for Look What You Made Me Do, she’s in the background of all her video characters at the end in a palm tree shirt.

Then she’s sitting on the 6th stair and then there’s five holes in the fence. Honestly the people who sniff this shit out should be full time detectives. Proud of them. I’m just like oh, Taylor’s posting ambiguous shit, wonder what she’s up to. They’re like measuring the circumference of the fence hole and relating it back to a lyric she wrote in 2009.

On the official Taylor Swift calendar, there’s a giant flower on March 2nd. She’s about to be on a magazine cover and she rarely does press unless she’s promoting something.

The list goes on and on. So if the new music happens tomorrow I can say I told you so, otherwise we’ll all just carry on with our lives and let the Swifties continue to dissect everything that she does and entertain me with their crazy theories. Also if this is true, that’s some genius marketing shit right there.

5. TR Play Us Out

I could do my last item about Jordyn Woods going on Jada Pinkett Smith’s FB live show today to say that the only thing she did wrong was go to Tristan Thompson’s house for a party, but he’s the one who no tongue kissed her goodbye. Or the fact that Khloe Kardashian IMMEDIATELY tweeted in response that she’s a dirty liar and is the reason her family is now shattered. OR I could just post Thomas Rhett’s new song and let it play you into the weekend because it’s a beat. Either one works.