JUice

Weekly JUice

Week of 10/29/18

1. I’m not ok. 

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It’s been a minute ❤️

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I was searching for a 5th piece of celeb news for this week’s roundup when the official statement about Kaitlyn and Shawn was released and I’m not doing well. I reshuffled to put this at the top because it is the most important to me as I have inserted myself into Kaitlyn and Shawn’s relationship as much as any of her other stans. I listen to her podcast and try to copy her outfits on a daily basis and that’s why I feel personally victimized by this news. As much as I shit all over the Bachelor, the first two seasons I watched featured Kaitlyn and she was a funny girl with a potty mouth who happened to find love on TV and OBVIOUSLY I relate to that. The funniness. And the trash mouth. Not the finding love on TV part. I’ve followed them since they got engaged and they both seemed like genuinely good people and they had a relationship that I thought would last–which I can’t say for ANY other bachelor couple. DID I JINX THIS?! Don’t answer that. Things were rough over the summer when people were speculating their breakup because they hadn’t been seen together in a while but like KAITLYN ALWAYS VISITS HER FAMILY IN CANADA. CALM DOWN GUYS. She talked about it on her podcast that they’re both busy and they’re committed to each other. She said just because there’s a rough patch doesn’t mean you give up it means you love the shit out of each other and I was like YEAH GIRL YEAH. And now I feel sad about it. Here’s their official statement released to People before I start crying at my desk thinking about if she’ll get joint custody of Doodle:

“After three incredible years, we have decided to go our separate ways. This difficult decision comes after thoughtful, respectful consideration. Even though we are parting as a couple, we’re very much committed to remaining friends and we will continue to support each other. Due to the nature of how we met, our relationship has always been very public, and we have enjoyed sharing it with all of you, but we ask that you respect our decision and our privacy at this time.”

 

2. JT brings books back.

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Going on vocal rest didn’t stop JT from promoting his new coffee table book out this week called Hindsight. In it, there’s some little gems that have come out about him and Gosling tearing it up during the Mickey Mouse Club (legends) and how he met Jess at a party, she laughed at his joke and the rest is history (they banged other people for a while before getting together exclusively.) Also not for nothing but if JT tells a joke…you laugh. That’s just obvious. I WOULD’VE LAUGHED HARDER. Just saying. ALSO he claims that the way they met was a meet-cute right out of a rom com. MEETING AT A PARTY IS NOT A MEET CUTE JUSTIN. GAWD. Ok moving on. Anyway, here he is tearing it up with BFF JFall except it had to be non-verbal so they couldn’t do one of their regular shenanigans and instead they played a rigged version of the best friend game with wife vs bff. Honestly, I’m on team Jess after this abomination of cheating. PS do we think these three have sex? Cause like it got a little too real with pineapple.

BONUS: more JT JFALL time.

 

3. Feeny. FEEHEEEHEEEEEENY.

I’m gonna be real honest, when I saw Feeny in a headline I was like oh, dear God the time has come. I mean he is 91 after all. As much as my Cory Matthews brain would like to believe it, Feeny won’t be around forever. HOWEVER, good news he’s still alive and he literally scared an intruder away by waking up and turning on his light. BOOM. NOT TODAY. Plays with Squirrels agrees with me.

4. Social Media Breakup.

Obviously I’m salivating at all of the post Ariana-Pete breakup news because there’s nothing more entertaining than seeing youths in the social media era deal with a breakup and this one is about as public as it gets because they wouldn’t stop jamming their love down our throat as they jammed their tongues down each other’s. Anyway, Pete is using their breakup for ratings on this season of SNL and to better his standup routine and Ariana is NOT DOWN WITH THAT. Tell EM GIRL! PETE, WHAT IS YOUR REBUTTAL?

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5. Wedding Fever.

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I got some heart eyes for a couple of wedding dresses this week! Gwyn got married in like September but just released the photos and I laaaaahhhhve that gown. Big Daddy Sitch and his lovely lady also got married this week, moving their nuptials planned for Italy to right now in New Jersey due to his impending jail sentence and inability to leave the state (YOIKES.) Even though watching The Situation on the Jersey Shore might indicate a white trash bash for a wedding, the picture they released looked quite fancy so I guess they used that tax money for somethin! ZING. Ok I’m done with the roasts.

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They both look lovely. It looks like Sitch laid off the self tanner for once and MOST IMPORTANTLY they have no joke the best wedding hashtag in the game. #TheHitchuation?! I MEAN COME ON. THAT’S GENIUS. The only thing fishy about the wedding is that out of the whole J.Shore fam the only two as far as I know who attended were Deena and the Staten Island Dump Angelina. HUH?! Was everyone else really that busy that they couldn’t attend this wedding?! He got the mid series add-on and the dirty little hamster but no VP of MVP, Snooks or JWoww?! Even the camera crews weren’t there to capture it for Jersey Shore: Family Vacation part 15 just kidding we can’t call it vacation anymore because it’s just us living in a house without our kids for TV?! Hmmm…Anyway, congrats you crazy kids!

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Red Carpet

CMA’s Red Carpet 2016

HEY YA’LL, let’s kick off 30 variations of country awards shows with “country” boys in tuxes that I want to lick and…wait what were we talking about? Oh right, ladies were at the CMA’s as well. I’m no Kaitlyn Bristowe cracking jokes and singing songs with the stars of the red carpet but I AM GOOD AT ONE THING and that’s passing fast judgements on fashion when I know nothing about it. Here are the winners and losers of Nashville last night.

WORST.

The 50th Annual CMA Awards - Arrivals

Little Kidman on the Prairie. Can’t she look kewl for Keith like at ONE country awards show? I mean come on, your huz is a rockstar and you’re wearing a floor length dusty pink gown buttoned up to your eyebrows.

Kacey Musgraves

I’m not completely boo’ing Kacey here. It’s more of a soft boo from the back of the crowd. Her makeup and hair are FIERCE and then she turns into a giant cupcake. I even like the color and material of the dress but like maybe don’t cover Nashville with it?

Easton Corbin

Easton Corbin’s a cutie but I can’t help but see a cater-waiter at a holiday party with this jacket. Or like, guest star on Suite Life of Zack and Cody. Choose your own adventure.

The 50th Annual CMA Awards - Arrivals

Horses fighting (or loving?) are covering Cassadee’s lady bits. Also never been a fan of the slicked hair. Kardashians can try to bring it back all they want but that’s what my hair looks like on Sunday night when I didn’t shower all day and that’s NOT photo-worthy.

The 50th Annual CMA Awards - ArrivalsPls submit your best guesses for what is on his shirt.

The 50th Annual CMA Awards - Arrivals

Looks like she got lost in the forest and while running scared her dress got caught on tree branches and ripped. Forest run chic.

The 50th Annual CMA Awards - Arrivals

Did everyone know that this is Rob Schneider’s daughter? Elle’s dad is Deuce Bigalow. Mind blown. Anyway, these pants are the worst.

Dustin Lynch

I mean, Dustin Lynch lands on my worst dressed every year for his embroidered suits.

Maren Morris

Why so mad, Maren? (Cause she didn’t make my best dressed.)

Cam

THE COLORS. THE STUDS. THE FRINGE. MY EYES.

The 50th Annual CMA Awards - Arrivals

Sweet vagina flap, Jamie Lynn.

Wendi McLendon-Covey

An embroidered doily disaster.

Martina McBride

Did you ever see someone take a foil gum wrapper and tear pieces off from the wax paper then stick it to their five star during an especially boring 5th period science class? That’s what this dress looks like.

The 50th Annual CMA Awards - Arrivals

Wooferoni.

The 50th Annual CMA Awards - Arrivals

The hip flower is really throwing this off.

tay

WHAT IS THIS HAIR?! This can only be described as caught in the rain hair. Did Tay know she was coming to the CMA’s or did she just drop in on her way to Target? Dress is bomb though.

BEST

The 50th Annual CMA Awards - Arrivals

I think like 90% of why I love this look is the mid-swish they captured Kelsea doing here. I love a good swish dress.

The 50th Annual CMA Awards - Arrivals

I need to be alone with this photo.

The 50th Annual CMA Awards - Arrivals

1. Jennifer Garner hasn’t aged one single day. 30 going on 13, amirite?! (That joke fell flat, I can already tell.) 2. Both ladies killed the classic and elegant red carpet look.

The 50th Annual CMA Awards - Arrivals

Changin the game with the only crop this year! Kaitlyn looks like a babe and makes me feel like a real asshole for skipping the gym for two nights in a row because I’m cold.

Canaan Smith

Since Brett Eldredge decided to go to the Cubs game instead of the CMA’s (wut3v3r) this is what I imagine he would wear. So thank you, long haired Brett. (Canaan Smith)

The 50th Annual CMA Awards - Arrivals

WHO are these new stud muffs on the scene? As my mom would say, their outfits are dope.

Jessie James Decker

JJD slays all day.

The 50th Annual CMA Awards - Arrivals

Chase Rice went for the classic black tux. Never fails.

The 50th Annual CMA Awards - ArrivalsThe 50th Annual CMA Awards - Arrivals

I think I’m more down with the right half of the property bros look than the left half. Suh Fall.

Carrie Underwood

Could use a little more leg but no other complaints here.

The 50th Annual CMA Awards - Arrivals

Cole makes a baseball cap look suave with this leather lapel suit. (whispers: flip your hat backward.)

The 50th Annual CMA Awards - Arrivals

I call this look princess ballerina.

The 50th Annual CMA Awards - Arrivals

Not usually a fan of the basically black lip (except for my Halloween costume of 2015) but these outfits go together like Maddie & Tae. WINK.

Gabby Douglas

I said Gabby Douglas was so four years ago in my Halloween blog this week but she proves me wrong with this fun party number.

miranda-lambert

Suck on it, Blake.

thomaslauren

I had a solo shot of Thomas Rhett to post but it didn’t feel right without his smokeshow of a wife, who literally all of his songs are about. Obviously they’re the most adorable.

I won’t be recapping the show because it’s 90% performances and I typically fall asleep during half of them (except for Luke, shout out to those thrusts though.) Instead I’ll leave you with the real MVP of the CMA’s. Unnamed sassy sax player. Beyonce who? Seriously I couldn’t focus on anyone but this whoutfit-clad, sparkly cowboy boot wearin, stank-steppin saxaphonist.

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The brightest star in the galaxy of Yeehaw’s.

The only thing that could steal his thunder was McConaughey un-ironically doing his Wolf of Wall Street chest pat.

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Ripped the spotlight right off that sax tootin’ angel without even trying that hard. May he rest in bedazzled cowboy peace.

And that’s all you need to know about the 50th CMA’s.

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Pop Culture, Uncategorized

Celeb-oween 2016

As per tradish, here’s a rundown of all the celeb costumes I could find — from offensive, to naked and everything in between. And of course, the winner of this year’s “accidentally racist” costume that they immediately needed to issue an apology for is…….

Casamigos Tequila Halloween Party

YIKES. Outta left field with that one! Didn’t expect sweet ole Hil (who dressed as a basic bitch black cat last year) to fall for this trap.

Also to be clear, every gossip site who described her getup as a “sexy pilgrim” costume should also be issuing apologies because there is nothing sexy about a pilgrim.

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Miss Piggy & Kermit. My OG @allymaki

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Colton Haynes has been creepin up on Heidi Klum as Halloween extraordinare but enough is enough. I understand that Miss Piggy as a character is a slutty pig, but that doesn’t mean we need to see her naked, playboy style. TOO FAR, COLTON.

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Ok last one I promise 🦄🦄🦄🦄

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This year’s unicorn costume SLAAAYYYYY.

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Happy Halloween from Siegfried & Roy 🐯🐯

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Enough time has passed since the incident for this to be ok. Hil, take notes. Getting mauled by a tiger? Give it some time and then ease back into it. Native Americans, on the other hand? Always a no.

No clue what this is supposed to be.

Hey what’re you dressed as tonight? Fairy Queen of the Swamp.

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Tinkerbell is a spunky one ✨💫✨

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What a perfect costume for CCB. Prayers to whoever is rocking those giant feet next to her.

My fave couple killing it power ranger style.

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About last night 🤘🏻#CasamigosHalloween

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Fam Goalz.

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Creep like a Ninja

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Glen Powell, better known as Chad Radwell with my favorite costume of the year. HI-YAHHHH.

Always a good time to throw it back to Alfalfa.

Whoa.

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Scott rides again Resist him if you dare

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WTF IS THIS?! I’ve never wanted to unsee something more.

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have you ever seen a more "why me?" face 😭

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Needs more flair

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Baby Luna CRUSHED Halloween. See Chrissy’s insta for no less than 1000 pictures of the little nugget modeling different costumes.

Speaking of nuggets, here’s ole smooth moves over here as Marty McFly.

As always, winners of the fam costume.

 

ariel-winter3

And so we begin the “friendly” portion of Halloween. Playboy bunny from someone who I wouldn’t be surprised to see a sex tape from in 2017.

bellathorne

You know how cowgirls love to wear their lingerie with a bedazzled belt over it.

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I’m not following on this number for Julianne Hough.

SHE WORE THIS WITH HER CHILDREN. THEY ARE OLD ENOUGH TO KNOW HOW RIDICULOUS THIS IS.

xtina

I’m torn here. This is so spot on but like also tone it down with the skankwad costumes every year, girl.

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Thanks for showing us your nips.

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Ah yes, of course. “Santa”. If Santa had never seen a cookie in his life and also wore sparkly hot pants.

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It felt right to follow up the sexy anything segment of this blog with Mindy’s Cap Sully costume. Which of course, is the opposite of sexy.

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BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOK!

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Bey & Blue in an ode to Salt n Pepa

Celebrities attend Kate Hudsons annual Halloween Party in Los Angeles

Katy Perry upgrading from the time she dressed as a literal cheeto, to full-on Hil. Not sure why Orlando Bloom is Trump instead of Slick Willy. Pretty weird coups costume dynamic.

Casamigos Tequila Halloween Party

LC Queen of DIY Halloween with another banger.

"Matthew Morrison hosts his 7th Annual Halloween-Birthday Party Presented by Freixenet Cava and Podwall Entertainment at Hyde, Los Angeles"

Nina Dobrev’s “I’m a complete dope” face really completes this costume.

Casamigos Tequila Halloween Party

Real life Ryan Lochte went for terrifying this year.

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Is this a real rabbit because it is creepy AF.

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Zach Braff looks like a babe soda

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Stranger Things from Amy & her hot boyf. Truth bomb, that hairstyle doesn’t look unrealistic with Amy’s face.

kellyripa

Only time will tell if everyone gets outraged at Kelly for dressing up as Beyonce. Seems like a touchy subject lately. Cough cough, Amy Schumer.

gma

Hard pass to Michael Strahan as Pikachu.

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Well this is, interesting.

leo

LEO! WHY COVER THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE OF YOURS?!

carsondaly

Nothin’ quite like dressing up as your younger self and realizing how old you are.

demi-nick

Demi looks like a dime.

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Today Show tackled the 90’s, which of course I approve.

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Is this the first year Matt has dressed as a male character?

pup

Even the Today Show pup is killin it.

tamron

Seems a little early in the morning for a hooker costume, but whatevs.

roker

Did I doooooo thaaaaaattt?

regkathieleehoda

I cannot and will not stop laughing at Kathie’s Reg face.

bush

Jenna Bush mailing it in and “dressing up” as her Grandma.

ellen-degeneres

Ellen and a very low key Heidi Klum as Sia and Maddie. Tough look to have multiple Sia’s in the daytime TV world.

theview

I already posted a solo shot of Candace as Tink, but it’s necessary to look at the whole cast of The View. Did they not learn ANYTHING from Today Show’s abomination of Peanuts last year? CARTOONS DON’T WORK IRL. This is what nightmares are made of.

HAPPY HALLOWEEN.

End of the day update (since I guess people actually dress up ON Halloween…whatever.)

WAY better than the power rangers. Cause, Doodle.

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We get it, Mario. You’re ripped.

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Enough with the Trolls. The movie isn’t even out yet and JT’s been hawking it since May. Also, those feet.

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Saw a lot of Lochte but didn’t see any Phelps face and I ‘preciate this. Gabby on the other hand is SO four years ago.

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It’s not fair.

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Do better Tay. I mean, I get that you’re bragging that you know Ryan Reynolds by wearing the actual costume, but also the squad can do better than a bunch of basic costumes. Especially when you’re all rich AF.

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Channing COULD NEVER be the beast.

Barbie dreams come true. But that second Insta Blue is CLEARLY like ok enough pics let’s go get some G-D candy now.

And for the big reveal…Heidi Klum’s infamous costume this year that she built up for FAR TOO LONG is

Taking a page out of Kimmy K’s book from last year, Heidi dressed up as herself then took it one step further and dressed up 5 other women like herself, complete with face prosthetics. Kewl.

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Pop Culture

Celeb-oween 2015

Celebs, they’re just like us…sometimes they have really dumb, unoriginal halloween costumes…and when they do, I point and laugh at them. I will applaud the fact that no one slipped up and did black face this year. They just might be learning!

WORST

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Haute couture skeleton @alexfaction

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I think this would have been okay had J.Lo not taken a typical costume and called it haute couture like a bougie betch.

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👻

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I’m not sure what’s going on here, is this just a child from my nightmares?

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I think I nailed the Kim K costume! 🕸👻🕷

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What does the biggest attention whore in America dress as for Halloween? Herself, obviously.

I will absolutely NOT support Let it Go for one more second. Even if she does look like an adorbz little Olaf.

johnstamos

Devil’s Threesome.

peanuts today shwo

The Today Show tried to be cutesicle….

 carson willie matt

Except replicating a cartoon in real life can actually turn into a pretty scary sitch for all involved. Also OF COURSE Matt Lauer cross-dressed.

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Trump thrives off of this shit.

Tyra Banks Richard Branson

Tyra Banks as Richard Branson. Why?

kylieninja

Did Kylie even know it was Halloween? OHHHHH BURNNNN.

tbrady

Gisele and Tom Brady putting giant skeleton bobble heads on with a regular outfit is lazy and lame.

heidiklum

HEIDI KLUM MUST BE STOPPED. DO SO SO SO SO SO MUCH LESS.

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Katy Perry as a mic drop. This is actually a clever idea until you have to reenact it 100 times for people to get it and then you have a concussion.

hilhil

I know Hil can do much better than a basic betch black cat.

paris

Right, so this is what warriors look like?

nickjonas

BOOOOOOOOOOOOOO. Shirtless costumes only in the future, pls.

BEST

Anne looking pastel puuurfect as a unicorn.

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Coming to America🎃

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HOW SASSY IS BLUE THOUGH?!

The classiest woodland creatures I ever did see.

Mario Lopez’s kid is the cutest little smush and they nailed Elvis & Elvis Jr.

Allison looks EXACTLY like Belle.

Authentic shit, right down to the climbing. If Shawn was my fiance I’d climb him like a tree too.

I’m embarrassed that I went as Sandy last year because Gigi swept through this year and took a big dump on my version of bada$$ Sandra Dee.

Sophia Bush perfecting Pulp Fiction

The possibly engaged couple as polar opposites. Mesmerized by Jeets’ face as the devil.

Lebron going as Prince and taking the stage for an impromptu show seems really out of character for him.

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🦁

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Girls’ already got one hell of a mane.

Not as good as last years caveman in the flesh but still pretty great.

Hot damn! 2000’s Jess is making a comeback.

kardashsuperhero

I just wanna snatch P right up. I won’t…but I want to.

coltonhaynes

This is Colton Haynes. He doesn’t normally look like this. Respect tha hustle here for transforming into the largest and most disgusting creature in Disney villain history.

ninadobrev

Nina Dobrev bitch facing as Posh.

yonce

Don’t you ever cross Queen Bey or she’ll come at you like this.

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kellyripa

Kelly Ripa’s got a knack for pop culture costumes, IMO.

michael strahan

Michael Strahan as Cookie. FIERCE.

joshduhamel

Josh Duhamel with a gap tooth.

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I’m always pro-T.Swift costume.

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GMA hosts Robin Roberts & TJ Holmes take on the Lyons.

AishaTylerYonce

Bionic hand seals the deal for Aisha Tyler

miranda

Miranda Lambert and co. as the Rockford Peaches. Where Marla Hooch at?

ellen kardashian

Ellen DeGeneres created her own character, Karla Kardashian, who is the reject of the clan and only wears hand-me-downs. Bonus points for originality although we know how I feel about drawing more attention to the Kardash fam.

therock

This seems like an approps costume for someone who naturally has gunz on gunz.

sarahyland

If you have a hot bod like Sarah Hyland it should be mandatory that you go leather bodysuit for Halloween.

jalba

Always jelly of celebs who can get their hands on legit wardrobe for pop culture costumes.

ginarodriguez

Gina Rodriguez shows off cute and cozy.

demi

YAASSSSS TRAP QUEEN.

pink

Pink looks exactly like lil Drew Barrymore.

nicolerichie

Nicole Richie doing up the Nightmare before Christmas creeperoni.

nph

NPH is the family costume magician every year.

channingjenna

His and hers cat in the hats for one of my fave couples

chrissy

Chrissy Teigen as Guy Fieri is perfect and gave her an excuse to do douchey things. I’m all for a costume that lets you get away with being a more obnoxious individual.

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Television, The Bachelorette

The Bachelorette- Bearded Bros Tell Nothing

men-tell-all

In the spirit of doing whatever it takes to fill two hours, the program starts off with a preview (possibly an entire episode?) of Bachelor in Paradise followed by a recap of what happened this season. Hey, we’ve been watching this show for far too many weeks, WE GOT IT. No need for a highlight reel. Know what else there’s no need for? Every guy who ever sniffed at Kaitlyn this season. Not only do we have the frontrunners who made it until the end (the only ones who really matter) ABC has also given the assholes another shot at their fifteen minutes of fame. Like Ian, who has stayed humble and hungry. And Ryan M. who has stayed creepy and apparently also styled his hair in what should forever be known as toupee chic. Let’s not forget about Kupah either, who will willingly throw his two cents in about things that happened AFTER he was kicked off that just enraged him.

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Check that hair though.

But before all that, Tanner the gossip queen takes the floor and the first shots at Ian. His gripe is that it was really mean when Ian called them all lames. Yeah they made fart jokes but they ALSO had deep convos, so HA. Tanner demands that Ian apologize to Kaitlyn and then Corey…oh, who is that you ask? Let me remind you…

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The dad apparently feels a need to seize these precious last moments in front of a camera and delivers this zinger, “I don’t think that she took the responsibility of being the bachelorette the best that she could.” To be clear, no one asked him. Ian responds to all of this by taking his jacket off and getting down on bended knee in front of the glaring bros to say he regrets what he said, how he left and apologizes to the guys, everyone who was offended and his mother for being a real dick on national television, because that’s just not who he is. HE’S A MODEL WHO DEFIED DEATH AND HAS BEEN AROUND THE WORLD A FEW TIMES, DAMNIT. JK he lays it on thick and the contesticles eat that shit right up giving him the classic handshake, clap on the back for his clearly souped up apology. Cut to Chris Harrison, the one man show going HA-HA you just never know what you’re gonna get, folks as he flashes his gleaming white smile and points a finger gun. STAY TUNED FOR THE GAY RELATIONSHIP WE FABRICATED WITH EDITING….Up NEXT.

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Corey is first to comment on the Clay-J sitch, because his opinion is vital to my life. He’s mad at Clint for being arrogant and making everyone feel alienated. Clint sets the record straight, if you know what I mean. Apparently, JJ just reminded him of a friend back home so that’s why they liked to play tummy sticks. JJ hops in and uses a lot of air quotes when describing the “bromance” but when Chris Harrison calls him out for using the quotes, JJ fires back with maybe if this show didn’t splice clips together and use romantic music and taglines turning my friendship into a gay porn, there wouldn’t be a need for them. I may be paraphrasing there. He might’ve just said “You tell me, Chris.” I was ready to be all Team JJ until he said this, “We’re intellectually curious about each other. There was a lot of meat to that for me.” Nope, you’re now playing into Clay-J and therefore I’m firmly Team When Will This Show End. Later on in the hot seat, JJ tells C.Harrison that he really “blew it” his last night with Clint and the peanut gallery of bros erupts into laughter. You can’t even script this shit. Just kidding–you can–and they did.

Benzy comes in to take things down a notch or 100 when we relive the story of how his mom died and talk about how he had his walls up. But don’t worry, he’s come out with a positive outlook and learned from his journey that you can open up about all your feels. Don’t cry because it’s over, Benzy, smile because it happened. JK he still hasn’t cried, maybe someday those babe soda tears will roll down his brooding face. Chris rubs his hands together in anticipation as he says, there’s nothing wrong with a good cry. LET IT OUT. I assume C. Harrison is about to play the beginning montage from the movie Up before producers are like ok, enough we need to move on, man tears or not.

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Chris basically invited Jared onstage to force words into that poorly goatee’d mouth of his. C. Harrison’s line of questioning includes, Did you think you were the odd man out in that rose ceremony? But you loved the girl, right? But like when you watch it back you probably get more confused about why you were sent home right? Jared keeps it diplomatic and just repeats that he’s thankful for his journey and he listens to “Linger” on repeat via his walkman while he sobs in his room all day erreday.

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Sweet, sweet boring buttercup Ben H. walks to the stage and there’s not a dry seat in the house judging by the screeches and howls from the all-ladiez crowd. Ben is a perfect gentleman as he obviously is vying for the Bachelor slot and will probably win it according to audience reactions. Snooze. Finally, we get some BTS deets on the infamous off camera visit. Ben and Shawn were roomies in San Antonio, Shawn got a king bed and Ben got a cot, ’cause Shawn’s abs. Kaitlyn put an invisibility cloak on and snuck into their room where the threesome spent 3 hours talking about life, Kaitlyn and Shawn in the King and Ben essentially on the ground…a foreshadowing. But then, Ben had to shower and womp womp, the rest is history. All it took was those extra two minutes while Ben was conditioning for Kaitlyn to tell Shawn he was the one and seal his fate. Ben probably curses his shiny hair to this day.

Finally our turtledove-in-waiting steps into the hot seat for a little popcorn reading of her hate tweets ever since she had sex on TV. Oh shit, sorry I didn’t mean to give out any spoilers guys, did you hear that Kaitlyn had sex on TV and it’s controversial only because it happened before fantasy suites? Anyway, they read some tweets from people who hate themselves but don’t give out their names which is kind of counter-productive. If we’re going to shame people for being terrible humans, midas whale give out their very public Twitter handle so the internet can bully them for being bullies. That’s how it works, right? Seems like a missed opportunity. Anyway after some tears and golden reaction shots from the audience about fat unemployed people who tweet death threats from their mom’s basement, it’s time for the guys to settle up with Kaitlyn.

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It goes something like this: Kaitlyn talks to Jared and tells him he’s great. Then Kaitlyn talks to Ben H. and tells him he looks great. Everything is SO great. I’m about to doze off in my bowl of ice cream when suddenly, fiery Kaitlyn makes an appearance and I’m ALL IN. Jonathan…this guy:

Jonathan

tells Kaitlyn it hurt his feelings when she brought Nick on board after looking 25 guys in the eye and saying her husband was in that room the first night. Kaitlyn doesn’t miss a beat and is all I’mma let you finish but didn’t you vote for Britt?

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Corey wants to add something about Nick as well and I literally wish everyone would just look at him and say in unison,

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Ryan M. gets to take his horned up toupee head and march down to Kaitlyn to give her the rose that he spiked off of the ground when he was kicked off for being a drunk asshole who slapped her ass and yelled about raping people. Ah, what a joy it is to have him back on my TV. Ian also does a 2.0 of his knee level apology, except whoopsie he gets a leg cramp and immediately has to stand up. It’s probably a residual injury from his near death experience but I’m surprised he doesn’t tell us. Either way, Kaitlyn responds to both of these morons with

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Last and certainly least, we get a blooper reel of Kaitlyn screeching about birds and the only thing that saves it: more Amy Schumer shitting on JJ. How they ever cut any of her material from this turd of a season is beyond me. Afterward, Joe puts on a bird mask and runs at Kaitlyn who promptly screams and runs then is like well the joke’s on you I’m actually afraid of the flapping noise. Ok, then why did you just shit your pants at a grown man with a bird mask on? Smooth.

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So all that happened and yet we DIDN’T get what we truly deserved and that’s obviously Cupcake addressing the Niagara Falls and hiccups that came roaring from his precious Ken doll face while he leaned over the Cliffs of Moher, hoping someone would give him a soft push.

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And finally, I really could’ve used an awkward Brady and Britt reunion post-breakup after they dated for a week and wore matching beanies to the beach and talked about how they were soul mates who were together to fill that awkward gap while the credits rolled.

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Television, The Bachelorette

The Bachelorette- SLEEPOVER PARTY!!!

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I missed the first 10 minutes of last night’s episode because I had after work adult beverages and then made the executive decision to go grocery shopping while buzzed. It was not a decision I recommend anyone else make. I ran over my own foot with the grocery cart and bought a frozen pizza that I later burnt my tongue on. Needless to say it’s for the best that I don’t drink on school nights. I arrived back home just in the nick of time to catch Ben wearing the SHIT out of a cream Irish knit sweater. Yum. Anyway, Ben and Kaitlyn are exploring the majestic Irish countryside because it seems that production has made some travel budget cuts this year and the cast is stranded in Ireland until they can save up enough to fly coach to their next location. Ben tells Kaitlyn about how he just turned 26 on the show, in a way someone brings up their birthday to make the other person feel shitty for not knowing. Kaitlyn is 30 so like rawr, cougar status. But Ben is all, age is just a number, it doesn’t make one bit of a difference, which is something that someone who is much younger can say, because they still have their youth and nothing to be bitter about. Ben is invited to stay the night in the fantasy castle suite and immediately issues a castle-wide boner kill when he gleefully shouts “best.sleepover.ever.” as visions of braiding each other’s hair and sneaking an R rated movie dance around his head.

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I’m assuming that’s what they do as Kaitlyn reveals in the morning that she only got a half hour of sleep, you know, cause they were pullin pullin pullin an all-nighter. Ben’s best sleepover ever couldn’t be complete without him borrowing a pair of Kaitlyn’s capri sweats for the walk of shame, shame being the key word here. All I’m thinking is…

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Hey guys, remember Shawn, my former favorite who doesn’t know what show he’s on? Kaitlyn gifts him with a hot pink polo because they will be golfing for their date. Kaitlyn’s efforts to make him look like a loser fail horribly because Shawn can pull off ANY color and look fabulous. Unfortunately he quickly ruins my drool sesh by using golf as a shitty metaphor for love. He muses, “Golf is like love because the goal is to get a hole in one”….or something along those lines. Since they both suck at golf, the day quickly spirals to a game of Truth or Dare because I guess this week’s theme is middle school. Shawn picks dare because, duh and he’s dared to strip down and golf in the nude. He takes off his pants to reveal he’s wearing as he called them “compression leggings” and as America calls them, long johns. Shawn leaves his socks on because he’s a gentleman, and there IS a strict golf course dress code. The point being, Shawn gets a SIZEABLE black box. Amirite, ladies? Bless your dirty birdie soul, Kaitlyn.

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Later at dinner, Kaitlyn brings up why the hell Shawn always gets his ankle-length undies in a twist over Nick. Shawn gets REAL fired up and compares Nick to a thirteen year old girl for spreading rumors. This leads to Kaitlyn giving Shawn the key to the fantasy suite, so that they can stay up all night and talk shit about Nick and maybe also prank call him. The morning after, Shawn struts out of the suite, right into Nick’s waiting clutches. “Oh sup, Shawn, fancy running into you here, can I steal you away for a minute?”-Nick asks. They sit down and shout words at each other. The end. I don’t want to watch one more minute of these two fighting like baby bitches and therefore refuse to recap it.

Kaitlyn puts on a sexy cleavage-baring red dress to sit down with Chris Harrison and talk boyz. Obviously this decision is going to be very DIFFICULT and PAINFUL, which is why after her intro rose speech, Kaitlyn needs a minute to properly wah. The decision is made that it will be Nick vs. Shawn in the bottom two, as if it could ever be any other way. Ben remains unlovable. JK. Call me, Ben ;). After Kaitlyn departs, they leave the remaining two locked in the room together with alcohol to see who makes it out alive. They both stuff their hands in their pockets and stare at the wall.

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FINALLY the stay in Ireland is over and it’s off to Utah for both hometown visits. Wait. Did I hear that correctly? Yes. This show has shit on all traditions and instead brought the two families to meet Kaitlyn in the exotic locale of Utah. Nick is first and he blubbers to Kaitlyn that he loves her and apparently with Andi it would’ve been a leap of faith but this time he’s tote sure that this is it. Ok, Nick. Meanwhile, Nick’s TLC reality show sized family is assembled in a room crying together because they just learned that Nick has died a horrific death whoops, I mean they’re scared Nick’s going to get his heart stomped out on national TV again.

Kaitlyn meets Nick’s 100 siblings, vows to never remember any of their names again and announces that Nick has made it to the bottom two. Their reactions are an Oscar-worthy collective performance of YIIIIKES–he’s screwed! Things apparently go swimmingly enough after that because Nick and Kaitlyn do the “Carlton” in the middle of the family circle. WHAT? Nick’s sis Maria must have similar sentiments because she then takes Kaitlyn aside to ask WTF is going on here. Kaitlyn passes the test with flying colors then later tells a couch full of Nick’s brothers, “I’ve spent a lot of time with Nick and we really bonded.” They’re clearly picking up what she’s putting down, if you catch my drift. Finally, the smallest child in the Viall family, Bella comes in for the hard-hitting questions, to ask about Canada’s geography. Bella’s clearly not here for the right reasons.

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Nick has a heart to heart with his mom where he reveals that Kaitlyn’s really good at making out. A suuuupes normal thing for a 34 year old to gab about with his mom. Then he reassures his worried mother that this time around is SO different than last year. Cause like last year Nick was so confident and this year he knows better. Then adds that he’s really confident and Kaitlyn definitely loves him. Lesson learned, Nicky V.

Next up is meeting the two Gods that created the slobberworthy specimen that is Shawn and his fellow genetic lottery winning siblings. Shawn has a lot of sisters and warns Kaitlyn that they’ll be tough and Kaitlyn is like no worries, sisters are my JAM. Well you know what’s NOT my jam? Shawn does NOT have an equally attractive brother for me. I’m so disappointed. Also fun fact: his sisters look NOTHING like him. Dark hair for days. Shawn talked a big game about how hard his sisters will judge and the minute they get one on one time with Kaitlyn they’re like love you to pieces, girlfran, welcome to the fam!!!! As the sisters act like putty in Kaitlyn’s hands, Papa Booth is like ok, Shawn, what’s the deal with all these shenanigans. Shawn is quick to tell dad, “well she told me I’m the one off camera soooo”…..BECAUSE WE WILL NEVER EVER HEAR THE END OF THAT. Like ever. In our final moments, Shawn and Kaitlyn cuddle up on the couch and Shawn bumbles on that he has something to tell her, he’s not falling in love with her…cause he’s IN love with her. GOOD ONE, SHAWN. You prankster, you. Then Kaitlyn goes outside to stare at the mountains and cry about picking just one.

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Television, The Bachelorette

The Bachelorette- A Fantasy Pork in Cork

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Saaarrryyyy this is a day late. I did that thing where I pretended the 4th of July went through Monday and had a tough time coming back to real life. Anyway, back to the not real life of Kaitlyn Bristowe. Did you guys know that she had sex? I wasn’t sure if you heard about it or anything but spoiler alert, Kaitlyn let someone enter her pre-fantasy suite and we’re never going to hear the end of it. I wonder what it’s like to have the whole world talking about your vagina because you banged someone you were dating? Mull it over while I talk about other things, but WE WILL RETURN TO THIS TOPIC. Why? Because this show won’t let it go.

“Let’s Make Today Unforgettable”- Ben

ABC rented an island for the day so that two adults could play hide and seek. Just kitten, Ben suggesting they play hide and seek was cute AF. That’s my kinda guy right there (immature.) Ben says the role of husband means being attracted to his wife. Kaitlyn says a husband is someone who won’t leave her when she gets annoying. Both valid points. Ben fears that he is unlovable. This is not an exaggeration; this is a literal dumb sentence that fell out of his open mouth. Shh, Ben just keep looking pretty. Kaitlyn is like that’s so great that you told me you think nobody loves you because I maybe, might, possibly could be thinking about falling in love with you. I’m guessing she’s a little gun shy after telling Shawn he was the one and having him poop himself about it. Ben says overnights are not about sex and he can’t wait to just talk all night. YIKES. Kaitlyn obviously assumes he’s a virg because he’d rather have a gab sesh slumber party. She asks him outright and he says, girl, please.

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“Let’s Let Our Love Run Amuck”-Joe, Shawn, Nick

Say it with me now…

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Shawn steals Kaitlyn to make up for lost time with his mouth. Then Kaitlyn asks Nick how he feels about the two of them having sex on TV before it’s ok to have sex on TV and he’s like I feel great, I don’t regret it at all and Kaitlyn is all yeah totally, me too, I was gonna say that…I just wanted to see what you were gonna say first. So apparently we’re all supposed to forget about the three weeks she cried and said it was a mistake or something.

Kaitlyn asks Joe if he’s ready marriage. He shows her he’s ready for it by coming at her face REAL quick with his eyes open for a smooch. (This will play out in my nightmares.) He then pours out all of his feels that he’s in love with her and will be frenching her until she’s 60. Slow your roll, Joe. Even though Joe’s shelf life was maximum another week, Kaitlyn gets all the uncomfies by him saying he loves her so she cuts him loose immediately. Joe handles it a WHOLE lot better than Cupcake. Instead of sobbing into a scarf and contemplating a hurdle to his death, he turns into a dick. He shakes off the sappies and tells Kaitlyn this was fun and when she tells him to stop acting tough he says, “nah it’s cool, no worries, man,” like his buddy just told him he accidentally drank his beer instead of totes getting his heart stomped on. It’s safe to say that I like Joe Cool 1000x better than the snoozefest we’ve seen this whole season. His bitter exit was the most entertaining thing to happen this episode.

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After Joe skates out without allowing the cameras to capture his last thoughts, which probably would’ve been “it’s whatever…it was fun until it wasn’t,” Nick is sent back to the house and Shawn gets more date time. Kaitlyn word vomits up her sex confession and tells Shawn that her and Nick went too far. He wants to know why she’s telling him at all and I’d like to know why she’s only telling him…oh wait, because he’s clearly the ONE. Never mind, she did take-backsies on telling him that. Indian giver. Shawn excuses himself to go to the bathroom so he can try to flush himself down the toilet and escape this situation. Nick wah-wah’s that he didn’t get more time while Shawn softly weeps in the “Gents” room of a seafood restaurant. Finally Shawn decides to man up and accept that lispy got to plow Kaitlyn’s fields first (or at all.) Other things that happened: The phrase “forgone conclushion” comes out of Nick’s mouth roughly 4 times for no particular reason while he continues to blubber to the others about how Shawn’s getting time instead of him. Also Shawn only refers to Nick as “the other guy” and I feel like he could’ve come up with a more dig-tastic nickname than that.

Rose Ceremony:

There is no cocktail party because Kaitlyn already knows whom she’s going to marry date for a couple of months at this point and the rest is just for ratings and dissection of her sex life.

Shawn is called first and has decided to choose this moment during the rose ceremony to ask why she picked Nick to have sexual relations with when she KNOWS Shawn hates him. Alright Shawn, you’ve exhausted your possessive passes for this season. I can’t stand by this anymore. Obviously Kaitlyn thinks he doesn’t trust her. Go figure. He still accepts the rose. So do Ben & Nick and I have a glorious time bidding farewell to Jared because I never have to fight the very strong urge to punch him square in the face ever again.

Fantasy Suite with Nick (What’s the point?)

They go to a cathedral but instead of engaging in foreplay again, they talk about Nick’s parents meeting in church. Nick admits he’s not religious but felt really guilty “the first time he touched his privates” HIS PRIVATES. ICK. Ugh. Woof. Vomit. Other than sounding like a real perv and making me want to puke, I just wish that Nick would STOP USING WORDS THAT END IN S. He also says he has “insecurities.” (Double S’s)

In a creepy jail in Cork, Nick says he doesn’t like Shawn because he doesn’t respect guys “who say they’re Eskimo brothers with a country singer because they F’ed the same girl in the same night.” To be clear he shares this unprompted and pretty off topic, ok, narc. Smooth way to work that into the conversation. Also not for nothing but Shawn’s insta is full of pics with Thomas Rhett, so I’m using my investigative skills to assume that’s his Eskimo brother. Seems pretty bragworthy, jus sayin. Anywho, Kaitlyn is like ok thanks for sharing, let’s get right to the penetration. No mics during relations this time, because it’s acceptable to have sex in the fantasy suite but not before then. Remember? The next morning they share ham while barely dressed. Kaitlyn has some interesting morning hair but her full face of makeup makes me believe she did not wake up like this.

Shawn vs. Nick

Shawn rolls up on Nick and his toggle wool sweater and the two bro fight and say they hate each other. There is nothing noteworthy about this exchange, and yet still it needed to be continued. Until next week, when this argument probably ends with “F U, bruh.”

P.S. Brady and Britt are still together but Brady is going back to Nashville because he might have to work or go home at some point. Britt is still wearing a knit cap because this span of their relationship was all shot in one day. Ok. Thank you for the 30-second update, good luck with your “long distance” relationship.

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