Weekly JUice

Week of 4/15/19

1. Let’s Rap About Earth Day.

I guess it’s Earth Day soon. How did I know? A cartoon Lil Dicky informed me while still making an effort to relate it directly back to his dick and balls. What a guy. No, seriously what just happened with this. I watched the whole thing in shock. How does he come up with this shit and how is he allowed to say it’s his song when he was in it for about 30 seconds. The cameos, however, are genius. The best part about this claymation freakfest was trying to guess what famous person was which animal the minute they opened their mouth. I nailed it with Ariana, Halsey, Ed & Snoop. BTW, Ed as a snuggly koala bear? Yes, please. What a perfect casting. Also I legitimately was like I wonder how much they had to pay Leonardo Dicaprio just to use his name and create a character that looks like him then when I saw it was ACTUALLY him?! Whoa baby. Leo used to be so cool that when JLo texted him during her carpool karaoke he made booboo a thing again. Now he’s in this? Must be really desp for his environmental cause. Save the earth, bruhs. Why? Because a rapper told you to.

2. Taylor Goes Pastel.

Remember when I got all hot and bothered for new Taylor music and fed into her crazy ass superfan theories and ended up with EGG ON MY FACE AND AN I ❤ TS SHIRT ON FOR NO REASON?! If you missed that, read my salivation here and peep my merch below:

Well now it’s the real deal. She’s given us thirsty bitches a date and it is 4.26. She’s also given us a theme and my immediate reaction was no thanks. If we’re going to be waiting with baited breath for new jams after your BADAZZ EMO F THE WORLD comeback with Reputation complete with Snakes, we deserve more than tacky pastel colored heart shaped jewels. Then she posted the picture of the mint bike and it was GAME ON. EVERYONE knows I’m basically a European with the amount of biking that I do. If she’s going to deliver me a new tune to cruise around town to once I dust the ole wheels off for spring then SIGN ME UP. Stay tuned for full review when her single makes the debut.


3. N*SYNC Does Coachella.

It’s that time of year again where LA people pretend they’re into being outdoors and listening to live music but really what they’re into is wearing hippie chic outfits and posting on Instagram. The biggest news to come out of this past weekend’s performances other than Beyonce just dropping a full recording of hers was America’s Sweetheart Ariana Grande pulling off an N*SYNC reunion. Although, can we really call it that without JT?

Props to Ari for continuing to dominate the world and learning the choreography to Tearin Up My Heart. Even though my main squeeze wasn’t there, I can still appreciate a good 90’s reunion. But also…

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You guys killed it last night 🙌

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Is Chris gonna make it? T’s and P’s.

4. Barf All Over Me.

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Pssst, 🧔🌲🌲🌲❤️: @justintimberlake

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I try not to draw attention to the fact that Jess and Justin are like the ultimate cool guy couple because it turns me into a jelly belly. But like come on with this. We get it, you guys love each other and are v supportive. No need to cry via a public video when he’s basically sitting right next to you. Turn to him and say you’re proud of him. UGH BARFMANIA ya big attention whorebag.



I find it to be extremely unwell of us that every time these two crypt keepers attend an event and allow photos, we post 10 headlines about it. THE VAMPIRES ARE OUT OF THEIR CAVES! And no matter what year/season/occasion it is, they’re always wearing long black cloaks and terrified looks on their faces. WELCOME TO SUNLIGHT, GIRLS! But that wasn’t the point of this announcement although it did give me a nice morning laugh and some nightmare fuel. The PSA is that Hulu is finally getting on the damn MK&A nostalgia train and giving us some of their OG movies. Coming soon: Billboard Dad, Switching Goals and Passport to Paris. THANK GAWD. IT’S AN EASTER MIRACLE! If you need to brush up on which hotties to peep in their pre-teen movies, feel free to roll on over to my very well-researched and not at all creepy blog ranking their movie boyfs right HERE. HAPPY WATCHING!

JUice, Uncategorized

Weekly JUice

Week of 11/7/16

1. RIP Facebook. As of this week, Facebook is pronounced dead because I can no longer go on it to stalk people I haven’t talked to in 10 years or lawl at the period of my life when I went through a ROUGH FB video phase instead of texting people like a normal human being. Nope. Now when I look at my feed I see people yelling at each other and being a bunch of b-holes. For my personal sanity and to preserve my first amendment right to escape onto Facebook into a dark tunnel of left arrowing embarrassing pictures dating back to 2007, I’m going to ask  politely that everyone CTFD and take a break from angrily spouting off in their statuses. We’re all in this together, high school musical style. And if we all just learn the Kenny Ortega choreography and stop calling each other racists and pigs on the ‘book, it’ll be a much better country and that seems pretty obvious.


If you would like to have a much-needed laugh this week to ease the tension, feel free to turn to the much funnier and more talented writers of Hollywood. Because what brings ‘Merica togets better than pizza and fart jokes? Answer: nothing.

To learn more about Dr. Farts the T.Rex, read Leslie Knope’s letter here.

2. Olsen Twins ❤ Crusty Old Men.


WHAT is going on. I know I’ve been including them a lot on the JUice but seriously my childhood dies abruptly every time I see them lately. For my most formative years, these girls set the tone for finding cute boys on family vacay and dating them for 3 days. How am I supposed to believe in the magic of an exotic location bringing 13 year olds romance when all I can see now is Ash open mouth kissing a cryptkeeper at a basketball game while her hand dangles in mid-air. Barf.com.


3. DREAM. 


Nope that’s it. That’s all I’m going to say. Dream. Kardashian. Daughter of Slob KeRob and Blac Chyna. North, Saint, Mason, Penelope, Reign and Dream. This is our future.

4. The Mannequin Challenge.

Remember when Daniel was wearing white vans and that became a thing and we were all like whoa the internet is weird. Well now it’s all the rage to film everybody pretending to be a mannequin. Bitch, check out the security footage of my office Monday through Friday and you’ll see the realest mannequin challenge ever of adults sitting and staring at a computer screen for 8 hours a day. The internet needs to step up their game if they’re going to play in the big leagues of viral vids. Steph Curry’s mannequin challenge was hands down the best though. Also Michelle is like F it, we’re done here so I’m gonna kick it with Lebron and become internet famous.


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5. Prince Harry has spoken.


Since I wrote about this last week and how it was alleged, I feel as though it’s necessary to CONFIRM that Prince Harry is dating actress Meghan Markle. We now know this because one of his butlers dictated a letter from him on the Queen’s parchment paper telling everyone to stop being racist AF and harassing his girlfriend. I’d like to point out that I said she was a babe and never once was rude to her, which is surprising considering how bitter I was. I’d also like to point out that it’s laugh out loud funny that Kensington Palace is regal and old school, releasing statements in print on official stationary, only to have to then tweet it out for anyone to even see it.

BONUS: Mr & Mrs Jeets stepped out in NYC looking FUH-INE.

City Point, Kids Foot Locker, And Haddad Brands Present BKLYN Rocks - Backstage and Front Row

DOUBLE BONUS: The Fox show that I predicted would be cancelled by now (Pitch) just tweeted this:


And I would like to personally thank them for that.


Weekly JUice

Week of 9/26/16

1. Prepare Yourselves.

It’s official now, Lady G is halftiming the Super Bowl, so get ready for all of the outrageousness. I thought that she had toned down, she wasn’t really releasing music, she was trying acting on for size, she kept hanging out with Tony Bennett and was going to marry that hunk Taylor Kinney (I’m momentarily blacking out when they had paint sex for “art”). But now that she’s single and releasing new music, there’s really no telling what will go down at this show. It is guaranteed that there will be obnoxious outfits and gimmicks. Gr8 for twitter, not suh gr8 for my eyes.

2. WOOF. The band breaks up, you chop your ratty locks off (a trim would’ve done just fine) and suddenly you’re an actor now but HOW DOES ANY OF THAT EXPLAIN THIS?

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No but f’reals, Harry. Clean it up. This isn’t you. This also serves as a PSA to old people like me, that if you were to just glance at the comments on these instas, you’ll find that 90% of the teen females are commenting “Daddy” or “Father”. Since I recently learned this for myself and had to choke back vomit, I think it’s time that I relay it to the crowd, as it is further proof that youths today are the WORST. Apparently, young ladies are now calling their favorite stars what one might call their dad. And it’s LIT. JK, it’s gross. But they think it’s cool and since teens are the future of this world, pls put us out of our misery. Go ahead and make each other famous for wearing vans on snap chat all you want, but cut the shit with the daddy issues. Your celeb crushes are not going to date you because you compare them to dear ole dad. (Also because you still live with your parents and probz have a curfew womp womppp) It’s creepy and weird and I wish I could unhear/unsee it. BE BETTER, TEENS.




I anticipated just posting about a Will & Grace reunion photo until they dropped a new scene Monday night right before the debate and I peed my pants a little in excitement. Even though they were trying to be timely and political, it mostly just made me miss Karen, that squeaky-voiced rich, racist asshole. And damn it she looks great. They all do. I smell a comeback so get to steppin, TV people! Vote for Will & Grace.

4. I’m totally moving to Canada. So I can hang with the most adorbs fam on this earth. Royals are in Canada and therefore I’m on baby picture overload. But with these nuggets I don’t mind. Check out little George in his baby knickers PS I get that it’s English tradition to dress this way but George would earn a little more street cred if his parents stopped putting him in booty shorts with his socks pulled up to his hips. Jus sayin. He’s doing his best to pull it off though. And obviously Charlotte’s chunk face steals the show. What I would give to have my parents grab each of my hands and give me a 1,2,3 jump where they essentially used their upper arm strength to fling me through the air so I didn’t have to walk places. Ah, the simple life.

5. WTF happened? 


This isn’t me body shaming. This is me being legitimately terrified by the pictures that surfaced from MK&A’s “carefree” French vacay for some rich persons’ wedding. I think the only thing that I can give her a fist bump for is her fresh tan, considering I feel like the last time these two saw sunlight was in their 2001 beach CLASSIC “Holiday in the Sun”. Other than that, yikeronis. There are no words for the transformation that these two have completed into ghouls.



Bonus: We have a problem. 

And that problem is I think I have an unruly crush on wittle baby Shawn Mendes. Him and James have a very scripted “riff-off”, which turns into essentially eight minutes of me wondering if Shawn Mendes is old enough to swoon over. Even when he’s dissing James, he’s still polite. What a gent. Also, 90’s music is a kajillion times better than today’s music and that’s fact. But it’s cute that Shawn tried. And I just want to tussle his soft, swoopy hair. So sue me. (Pls don’t.)


Weekly JUice

Week of 4/11/16

1. Ryans make babies at the same damn time. Allegedly.

“Sources” and “Reports” say that Ryan Gosling/Eva Mendes & Ryan Reynolds/Blake Lively are both expecting baby numero dos. I’m not going to doubt the notion that hot people have sex all the time, so this seems about right for timing of expanding the families. Unfortunately I can’t really comment on how these babies will look because both couples have selfishly kept their kids private and not even given us one little peep via their instagram or whatever. Rude. Regardless, the two hottest Ryans in the world procreate at the same time and everything is all going to be okay. Fingers crossed for Blake’s bump debut at the Met Gala and prayers that Eva doesn’t wear sweatpants when she’s having a fat day for 9 months. Cause Ryan will dump her. Obviously.


2.  Baby Boy Clarkson has arrived.

WHEW. So I wasn’t far off in assuming that she was about to drop some fluids all over the American Idol stage during that medley. Just a week later and that baby was OUT. Probably would’ve given Idol a little more clout if she dumped the kid out right on-air but whatever. No pics yet, but his name is Remington Alexander. River and Remington. Doesn’t get more country than that.

3. Move over, Uncle J.

Seriously, John Stamos may be top dog of comebacks and riding high this year (not literally, he is sober.) but he can be taken down with one single selfie. Uncle J, who? The Olsen twins have crawled out of their cave of ciggs to grace the social media world with an ultra cool black sunnies selfie. MK may still look just a touch like the cryptkeeper but Ashley is crushing this. I accept.

4. Megan Fox Should Go On Maury. 

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Megan is preggers again but also separated from hubs Brian Austin Green so America was like omgggggg who knocked her up?!?!?!? And she responded being like lolz I didn’t sleep with any of my co-stars. OBVIOUSLY Bri is the father, but the fact that Hollywood is a place where having babies with your co-stars is casj city apparently made this news. (This still isn’t really news but I’m stretching to find five blogworthy headlines this week.) Also this gives me a chance to formally complain about her role in New Girl this season. Could that have been a lamer guest star stint? She was like oh I’m so BA and hot and kewl and then falls in love with Nick and peaces out. Nice knowin ya, girl. Oh yeah, spoiler alert. As if New Girl is must-see TV enough to be worthy of a spoiler alert.

5. Here’s a picture of Jimmy Fallon trying out a mustache. (1:57 mark)

I used to watch the Tonight Show consistently and I stopped when I moved to poor people TV without a DVR but this made me want to start watching again…for little nuggets like this. Jimmy trying out the stache. For the record, I think it’s in everyone’s best interest that he never do it again. But also realistically that picture needs to be printed on a mug for the JT mugception joke.


Sorry for the subpar JUice, now go into the weekend and think about what we all did to deserve a shitty tour video for New Romantics. Think long and hard about it.


The Do’s & Don’ts of A Slumber Party…

As Told By You’re Invited to Mary Kate and Ashley’s Sleepover Party

sleepover party

Do: Bring a sleeping bag. Old school sleepovers were nothin without a hardcore camping sleeping bag that was completely unnecessary for your BFF’s finished basement with a flat screen TV. It was all about the vibe of camping out on the floor. My sleeping bag was neon green and bright blue with a built in pillow. It served no purpose other than to blind people and I was physically unable to fold it back up after a sleepover so I would drag it out to my mom’s Dodge caravan the next day for her to clean up that disaster.

Don’t: Bring your entire 9 year old’s wardrobe complete with hat boxes. Hey Cara, you’re heading over to a friend’s house 3 streets over, not traveling with your husband and three kids on the Mayflower in search of the Promise Land. Let’s ease up on the hat boxes, ok? Nothing worse than an over-packer when your whole wardrobe consists of overalls and jean vests.

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Do: Talk About Your Dog Everyone loves dogs, this is scientific fact. If someone has a fuzzy, cuddly puppy put near them and doesn’t immediately grab it to snuggle, there is something wrong with them. Half the time slumber party activities just consist of playing with the family dog.

Don’t: Bring a framed picture of your dog and cuddle with said frame at night. If you attend a slumber party and your only possession is an 8×10 frame of your Golden Retriever that you don’t let out of your sight, you probably have some issues. It’s one thing to love all up on dogs and miss your own, it’s a whole other ball game to be physically unable to spend a night away from your dog unless you’re cheek is stuck to a glass framed picture of it, Brighton.

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Do: Dance-off Whether you’re pre teen or hitting up the clubs, dance-off’s will never go out of style. The benefit to doing it when you’re a grown up is you can blame the alcohol when you pull out a risky move and everyone thinks it’s suuupes embarrassing. PJ dance parties were great pre-boozin too cause you could ALWAYS count on Vanessa to have the freshest moves. (Direct quote, were they legit allowed to say that?)

Don’t: Tell your friends you can’t dance, you’re already the weird one (I’m lookin at you buzzcut Cara) Look, you basically moved into your friend’s house for the next three hours with your collection of hats dating back to WWI and then Vanessa tells you to try the running man and you can’t hang? Someone should’ve slipped Cara a little bit of vodka in her root beer float. NEVER admit to your gurlz that you don’t have the moves, it’s a weakness they’ll hone in on during future middle school dances when they put you in the middle of a circle. DARE TO DANCE, BABY. DON’T BE A SCAREDY CAT.

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Do: Hand jives and hair braiding. The things that the Olsen’s nailed were these two classic girl activities. Throw a little Miss Mary Mack and hair playing in the mix and you’ve got a golden night.

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Don’t: Pillow fights. Listen, I get that the pillow fight is not only the given slumber party game but also the pinnacle of every man’s fantasy. Guess what, pillow fights SUCK. There is nothing enjoyable about some catty betch channeling her hate by wailing on you with her extra firm pillow. HAHA IT’S ALL FUN AND GAMES until Tiff tries to decapitate you.

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Do: Eat a bunch of garbage. When you’re 11-14 years old your metabolism is ON FLEEK. (Did I say that right?) This is the ultimate time to toss handfuls of sour patch kids down the hatchet like it’s a garbage disposal because you won’t get fat, you’ll just get more energy, which is EXACTLY what you want at a slumber party because there’s so many activities on the agenda. Plus sleepovers usually contain movie times and movie snacks are the BOMB.com.

Don’t: Ruin a perfectly good pizza by putting all that garbage on top of it. The Olsens might’ve coined the coolest song related to Pizza ever, but don’t be fooled because the ingredients that they were jamming about adding to their pizza straight up RUINED IT. They took a perfectly good large cheese and then decided to add pasta, meatloaf, fish sticks, mashed potatoes, ketchup…pretty much everything that a lunch lady would serve and cause you to upchuck on your keds. WOOF. This pizza blows. But damnit that song is fire flames. (PS You guessed it, Cara continues to prove she’s the friend who probably gets bullied at school…)

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Do: Play dress up and make a music video I think probably one of my favorite staples of sleepovers is picking a favorite overplayed pop song, rolling your scented body glitter all over your chest, putting on a cami to show off said body glitter and making up a choreographed dance with your gal pals to be recorded on a camcorder and buried in a capsule of mortifying things. Thank GOD I had so many hairbrushes in my kit n’ caboodle otherwise what would we have ever used as microphones?

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Don’t: Paint your faces to be terrifying and sing creepy songs I can’t think of any circumstance where it’s ok to sit your hosts down and tell them to watch you paint your face like a bunch of nightmares, amp up the crazy eyes and sing in sketchy voices about black cats, ghouls and haunted mansions. If I were MK&A I’d kick these bitches out, stat. NO THANKS. (PS I seriously still cannot watch this scene of a movie meant for 9 year olds by myself, had to fast forward for fear of losing sleep.)

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Do: Flirt with your friend’s hot older brother and his crew Being the dweeb kid sister’s friend with the watermelon colored braces and yet still openly flirting with the hot older bro is what real bravery is. Older bros and their friends are cool without even trying, like when they walk into the house blaring techno beats from the boombox on their shoulder grabbing some chow from the fridge. Trent ❤

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Rollerblades slung over the shoulder, SO COOL IT HURTS.

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Do you even blade, bro?

Don’t: Recycle your scary performance for them and make them shit their pants. Seriously this scene did NOT need a reprisal especially in front of your dream boyfs. What a boner kill for Trent & his bruhs to see these girls dressed up like a House of Freaks. A for effort to the boys for trying to get some screams first but then the Olsen Twins stepped straight out of a horror flick and made Trent poop himself with jazz hands.

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Do: Play video games Video games can be fun when for a hot sec but real talk: board games were more fun, especially when it was Dream Phone. Oh, what’s that, a mystery guy won’t stop calling you until you find out which one he is? Story of my life, amirite? Hint: his name is Josh and he’s waiting for you at the mall food court. 90’s girl board games were the closest things we had to boyfriends so they were ultimately superior to video games.


Don’t: Watch other people play video games What’s the point of going over to someone else’s house to watch them play video games? If I were these chicks I would’ve let the Olsen’s go on a video monster binge and gone looking for Trent and the boyz, WINK. Cara seems pretty into it though, go figure.

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Do: Try to stay up all night I distinctly remember one of my first sleepovers where we all agreed to stay up all night and had an actual countdown to midnight then immediately passed out because we made it until morning. And yet 7AM hit and we were up and ready for pancakes. What a BAMF life. Getting turnt up on popcorn and Darryn’s Dance Grooves then crashing in the wee hours of midnight.

Don’t: Be the first to fall asleep like a square. Hard and fast rule that if you’re the first to fall asleep you’re a real loser. Also, the rest of the slumber party will use that time to talk shit about you and MAYBE put your hand in a glass of warm water so you pee your sleeping bag. When the Olsens’ sleepover party was winding down they took a poll on if they should stay up all night and all the girls were like YAAASSS and Ashley pulled the CLASSIC “I’m not tired if you’re not tired.” They got scared about their parents finding out they stayed up to watch the midnight news, sang a song, then Vanessa opened herself up to ridicule when she conked out first. Brighton was next and asked them to wake her if anything fun should happen. HEY BRIGHTON, IF YOU DON’T WANNA MISS FUN STUFF YOU STAY UP ALL NIGHT LIKE A COOL KID. The twins stay up the latest, obv.

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In closing…

Shout out to my girl Vicki for sending this to me because it’s the greatest creation ever.

Pop Culture

The Olsen Twins: A Timeline of Coordinated Outfits

The heyday of Mary Kate & Ashley Olsen was pre-Twitter, Memes and Vines, and what a true shame that is. They may be high fashion queens now, but I feel like it’s necessary to remember them for who they used to be—the pinnacle of coordinated outfits and envy of all non-twins. The Olsen twins were the trendsetters of my generation and it’s about time we bow down to them for it. Here are the best of the worst coordinated outfits, complete with the top trends they made cool (in chronological order by movie, obviously).

It all began with the exact matching outfits with theme. This is easily my favorite. Two wittle sailors circa the 90’s. I respect this look because my mom also went through a phase of sewing my sisters and I matching outfits for Christmas cards with coordinated patterns. Isn’t that the cutest thing you’ve ever seeeeeen?nautical

Once the girls got a little older they were like ENOUGH, mom. We want to be individuals! This is when they started the same outfit but opposite colors trend. This pretty much stuck for the next ten years. Because it’s not matching if it’s not the same color, DUUUHHH. These neon backwards hats were edgy and cool for their “You’re Invited” intros.


For their ever so classic Sleepover Party that I was obviously invited to, they decided to T it down with the matching so their friends didn’t think they were total losers. If we’re being candid I don’t think they needed to worry about a girl who brings a framed picture of her dog to a sleepover because she misses him so much judging them. Anyway, they rock these jean headbands and coordinated purple and florals as they teach us how to spell PIZZAAAA, P-I-Z-Z-A.

vests headbands

Is it bitchy of me to post this picture where they’re clearly going through a hairstyle identity crisis phase? Probably, but when you stumble upon gold like this it’s pretty much a crime not to share it with the world. The girls revert back to their old ways for a press appearance with exact matching outfits right down to the frizzy blowout and chunky black platform sandals. The pastels that complement each other were a nice touch though.


Billboard Dad was when the girls’ personalities really started to shine through in their fashion choices. Anyone whose anyone knows that MK has always been more tomboy and Ashley more feminine. Even though their styles started to part ways, they held it together with matching colored lenses and well-placed butterfly clips because they’re spunky AF. Also quick LOL to the baby boobs coming in during this era.


Ah we’ve arrived in the Passport to Paris era. The girls embark on a new country during Spring Break and set off the tradition of a new vacation movie every year…which I am forever grateful for. This movie showed how they handle international style and just how much they’ve grown up. We get to see travelwear like we’ve never seen it before, with the opposite color one-straps. Blue for MK (duh) and Pink for Ash. The moment this movie premiered I marched right over to JCP to buy my own one strap. Mine was also blue because I was going through a tomboy phase like MK and the sound of that velcro strap was like music to my ears. Also has anyone ever looked cooler in pleather?


Paris also treated us to THE HANKERCHIEF. Instead of matching exactly, they matched themes with their peasant tops paisley print for Ash, gingham for MK. Ever having a bad hair day with your perfectly blown dry bob? Slide a headband with a triangle hankerchief hanging off it right on and all your problems are solved.


After reviewing this outfit choice, I’m beginning to think that Paris started to think all Americans were trashy around this point in time. Wearing camis fit for a PJ set out for a day of sightseeing isn’t exactly approps for the City of Lights. The shell chokers, beaded hair and matching purses make up for it though, obviously.


Formal wear for the ladies consisted of a loose strand in the face (it’s elegant), a string of pearls and a spaghetti strap dress. It’s no wonder those french boys were all about slow dancing with these fine young American women. Bonjour, Bonjour, OH MY GAWD.


Right around the same time the Olsen’s started jet-setting, they also personally invited me to their Dance Party. I’m glad I could make it because there were some really cool rapping moments in the girls bathroom. What IS all the noise about boys? Since they’re at the age when they’re dancin it up with boys, MK&A got real edgy with the animal prints. Zebra bags, cheetah lined pockets, RAWR. Did they take the black choker/wrist cuff and slightly racist Japanese shirts a little too far? No, no they did not.


Shortly thereafter, the girls witnessed a diamond robbery in Our Lips Are Sealed. They had to be placed in the witness protection program, which gave us a live look at how they dress for their geographic location. In Cali they were all about the graphic tees and tinted shades:


In Seattle they were hipsters with chokers plus hers & hers hemp bucket hats/bandannas:


And Aussieland gave us the tropical vibes with hawaiian prints and bathing suit skirts:

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I must’ve been really good that year because my reward was a yacht party in Australia that yielded the greatest matching 70’s outfits alive. Not only were those white Go-Go boots (that eventually were ditched on the boat to jetski with the cute guys) on point, but they danced with peace signs and told classic jokes to the camera. “Oh am I supposed to say something funny? SOMETHING FUNNY!” Ohh Ash, you should’ve just let your outfit do the talkin.

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The girls really matured when they started to grow their hair out and join the debate team. They had their first educational movie in Winning London and they really showed they were there to work hard with their trench coats and scarves, but their patterned flare pants revealed that they have a wild side too. Classic case of business on top, party on the bottom. The comeback of the tinted aviators kind of throws off that theory though because that could also be perceived as party on top. Let’s reiterate: Party(shades):Business(turtlenecks, scarves and smart coat):Party(plaid/tie-dye slacks):Business(a smart pair of leather mom boots). WHAT a balance.


SHIT. I forgot to factor in the puke colored plaid bucket hats. I don’t even know where these fall on the spectrum. WHY ARE TWO FIFTEEN YEAR OLDS WEARING SO MANY EARTH TONES? That’s so Brit of them.

buckethat winninglondon

Thank GOD they lose their overcoats and kick off their chunky heels to get TURNT at the club one night. Unfortunately that means they don these icelandic eskimo dresses, pink vs. blue of course. Although this time Ashley’s in the blue. Really throwing us for a loop there. The turtle necks, however, are apparently even necessary while partying. Let your necks FREE, Chloe and Riley! (For the record, their names in this movie were so good they re-used them for their show So Little Time. Chlo + Riles 4eva.)


Holiday in the Sun blessed us with some more Hawaiian patterns as the girls were whisked away for winter break on their dad’s private jet to Atlantis in the Bahamas. If you think I’m complaining about these tacky floral prints, it’s got nothin on the level of whining that came from the twins when they realized they were going on a family vacay instead of partying it up South Beach style with their trashy high school friends.


Instead of being thankful for their all expenses paid tropical vacation and a full box of Krispy Kremes, they amped up their “we’re basically legal in this country and we can do whatever we want” vibes and went balls to the wall. Falling in love with the local who cleans the shark tank and investigating smugglers occupy their time, and skintight tube tops and one-shoulders occupy their bodies. Even their beach wear consisted of tight wifebeaters, I’m assuming to show off their fully grown boobs. All to the tune of Weezer, obviously.

mary-kate-and-ashley-holiday-in-the-sun onestrap tube

Other notable trends from the Bahamas: The comeback of the pigtail braids


Murica themes…(Seriously if this tube top were still around today I’d wear it to a 4th of July party because it’s cute AF).


And from day-wear to night-wear, the black one shouldered tank paired with opposite colors geometric skirts. Club READY. Now he’s what time it is. Ok you got me, I think I actually genuinely liked every outfit from this movie. The girls reached their fashion peak in Atlantis. Hair, accessories and clothing were on point. All the awards. The beach suits them.

geometric skirts

Road trips on the other hand, didn’t suit them so well. It’s hard to imagine that these two globe-trotting beauties were only just turning 16 but after making out with so many cultured men it was time to get their licenses and celebrate with a classic cross-country road trip in Getting There. They discovered straighteners and how to look casj in addition to a bright red ‘stang. Nothing says road trip like aviators and converses.


If they wanted to look a little more mid-western casj, they threw on their sleeveless plaid shirts and earth tone corduroys. It seems as though they learned nothing from the barf tones from Winning London. 16 certainly didn’t start off with a bang for these two. It’s nice to see that they celebrated the big year with continuing the ultra matching theme right down to the jeweled choker.

plaidz getting there

Italy was much kinder to their fashion sense in When In Rome. They’re artsy and cool as they intern and immediately get fired from unpaid work. It doesn’t matter though because they have their hotel room directly IN the Colosseum and their cozy neutral wrap sweaters to fall back on.


The final installment in the straight to VHS collection of our two favorite gals is The Challenge, where all of their past lovahs come back to ask why the hell they only got a peck and nothin else. This movie was an overall DUD mostly because it played out much like an MTV Real World/Road Rules Challenge without the drinking or the sex. Booooo. However, it brought us the linen pants and beach waves. YAS. Lip gloss for an extreme challenge? Duh.

beachy lipstick

We’ve finally arrived at the end of the Olsen girls’ career as we know it. New York Minute, the full length feature film that people (me) actually paid to see. Boy was it a shit show. Apparently going mainstream made them cocky they could pull of anything, because they made the executive decision to wear these I ❤ NY t shirts with tacky red skirts and chunky heels for like 98% of the movie. No, thank you. In a sense, we came full circle because we started with exact matching outfits and ended the same. We end the saga not with a bang but with a whimper.


And because I never end the list with a whimper, please feast your eyes on a little then and now version of Rebellious Olsens. If this childhood doo-rag picture doesn’t make you laugh out loud then I pretty much don’t want to know you as a person. The second shot (obviously not present day because it’s not terrifying) was roughly 8 years later on their short-lived TV show So Little Time. Wildly underrated in my opinion, also fire theme song. From bandannas to clip-in color extensions, fake tattoos to fake tattoos. We’ve watched these two grow up before our very own eyes. A fashion evolution, if you will. They’re in their 20’s now and I can only hope they still call each other to plan coordinated outfits for outings, even if they are black cloaks, at least they keep the twin fashion sense alive for the rest of us.

doorag bamf

Now excuse me while I check if their WalMart clothing line is still available online…