JUice

Weekly JUice

Week of 4/27/2020

1. KCav & Cutty No Mo.

Kristin posted this on Sunday and as I was scrolling through Instagram I read it and was like haha what a funny prank and then remembered it was definitely not near April Fools and that this probably wasn’t a prank. After that realization, I read it aloud to my sister and immediately texted my friend to scoop her on it. Just because it’s sad and traumatizing news does not mean it shall go unscooped. As you might recall, Kristin, Jay, their family and their gay besties were all quarantined together in the Bahamas for several weeks. They seemed like they were having a ball (under the circumstances) playing games and drinking together, posting constantly on social media. Jay was often included and seemed happy and a part of it and not at all annoyed that his wife felt the need to utilize their family vacay for content creation. What a dream. THAT’S the kind of man that I want to marry. Except now it’s all a lie and love is dead. I will admit that against my better judgment and mostly due to an overwhelming boredom and nosiness, I began to tune into Very Cavallari this season once my sister promised me that it was more about Kristin and Jay and less about big-toothed sorority lookin’ bitches running a jewelry line and ho’ing out all over Nashville. I was pleasantly surprised at how much I was beginning to like Kristin, but if we’re being honest I was really tuning in for Jay. I lived for his dry sarcasm and eye rolls at the stupidity that is reality tv. It was riveting. Plus, I felt like they were a real couple that had their ups and downs and weren’t putting on an act. Cut to divorce. Obviously this ambiguous insta and going social media dark left a lot of lingering questions and really all we needed to do is sit back and wait for the deets to start flying. And boy oh boy have they been flying. We now know that they’ve been in rough shape for a while and they went on the trip knowing they’d be announcing their divorce. They fought constantly. Everyone in Nashville knew they were on the rocks, Jay’s parents never liked Kristin, the film crew of Very Cavallari witnessed him yelling at her a lot, belittling her and making her cry. Oh, and apparently Jay blindsided Kristin by filing for the big D, so she struck back by citing “inappropriate marital conduct” and asking for primary custody of the kids. AND she said he’s trying to stop her from buying a new house for herself (Let this be a lesson to all the girls out there, ALWAYS keep a separate checking account for yourself. Joint checking accounts are for boners.) If we can’t trust in love anymore, at least we can trust in knowing that the real dirt will always come out. These PR statements that celebs make upon splitting about loving each other and respecting each other don’t mean shit if you’re lawyering up HOARD and the steaming hot garbage of your relashe is pouring out to the press daily. Did Cutty cheat?! Will Kristin and Audrina become single moms out on the prowl, fighting over Justin Bobby again?! I’m sure we’ll all find out soon enough. You can count on me to keep you posted on the dramz……..regretfully so.

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2a. Oopsie Poopsie.

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I gotta be up front about this one and say that by scoop rules, I was scooped. I was hesitant to scoop it out because it was originally “reported” that she was pregnant and I didn’t want to be wrong and in that moment’s hesitation, my friend got me. If you’re wondering out loud why we’re both giant losers who need to be the first to announce celebrity gossip in order to feel alive, please know that you aren’t wrong.

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Since I’m the one with the blog, I could’ve easily spun this to say that I announce all celebrity gossip first, but I’m nothing if not brutally honest. I’ll take the L here. Losing a scoop is like losing the will to survive. I couldn’t even type that with a straight face. Put that on my gravestone tho, furreal. Anyway, beyond the fact that I missed out on delivering this juicy news (I bounced back by announcing it to my sister, she scoffed at me because she hates both of these individuals), let’s chat real quick about this trend for the youths of Hollywood where having a kid out of wedlock before you’re 25 is a badge of honor. That used to be frowned upon, no? Like in the real world, if you get preggers accidentally and you’re young, there’s a little yikes factor to that. A slight cloud of shame for bucking society standards. In Hollywood, it’s cool as shit to pop babies out while you’re still in your 20’s partying phase. A baby is just another cute accessory to wear matching crop tops with and you forget you even gave birth because your body bounces back so quick. Kylie Jenner was like I knew I was just meant to be a mom. No betch, you got knocked up and then put a spin zone on it. As we saw with Kylie, young parenthood doesn’t keep these couples together and you can bet your bottom dollar that Zayn and Gigi will not survive this. They’re already an unstable coups, breaking up every few months, Gigi just turned 25 and they’re both mega-famous and have careers in the spotlight. I give it a year before playing mom and dad wears off REAL QUICK. Also, just so I reinforce my legitimacy at reporting news, this was finally confirmed by the blessed Yolanda, who said she can’t wait to be an “Oma”. Then from the horses’ mouth herself, Gigi who announced it SOLO for Jimmy Fallon.

Double also, in Hollywood years I must be 95 years old because I’m 28, single and childless. When can I start cashing those retirement chexxxxxx? Triple also, let’s start betting on names to keep quarantine spicy.

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Note that normal name is last on the list of options because it’s absolutely preposterous to expect a normal name from two people who became famous in their pre-teens. Get outta here with that. Obviously since Gigi’s grandma recently passed, there will be an homage to her through first or middle name because they were close and the Hadid’s are all about that Dutch life even though they’re half Palestinian (kick rocks Mohamed, Team Yo foreva.) Zayn will not have a part in this baby’s name because he probably won’t stick around past teething. Shoutout to my gurl Kat for proposing the hard questions here and really provoking thought in the name of models getting accidentally pregnant.

2b. All of the Pregnancies.

Less triggering for me, sorry I hate youths, there were several other pregnancies announced this week. Katherine Schwarzenegger is expecting, which should come as a shock to no one because they’re supes Christian (that means they don’t use birth control…for all you heathens out there) and just got married so natch it’s babymakin time. Lea Michele didn’t announce but someone announced for her, to which my sister goes who cares, she’s not even married to a famous person. And she’s not wrong. Her husband’s name is Zandy, which I think is the real bone we have to pick here. Congrats on becoming a dad but WTF kind of a name is ZANDY?! Also, we see Lea with her gay BFF’s more than her actual husband, which doesn’t really paint a picture of a happy marriage but who am I to judge?! HAHA another sentence I couldn’t type without a burst of laughter. And lastly, Ashlee Simpson and Evan Ross are expecting another kiddie. May they name it something better than Jagger.

3. Cooch is an underrated word.

TMZ released some pics this week of Kendall hanging out with NBA player Devin Booker and let me tell you this is not the first NBA star Kendall has been linked to. Someone replied with a video of guys throwing a baby to each other and said “Kendall getting passed around the NBA”-I would include the tweet since it made me laugh out loud for use of video and coinciding burn but naturally the person has since deleted it in fear of getting internet cancelled. And Kendall came back with THIS:

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And honestly, I don’t care about the Kardashians other than to troll Kim on twitter for being the least self-aware person on this earth but this response is iconic. For all I know Kendall might’ve banged every player in the league…but referring to who she has sex with as “where i throw this cooch” was easily the coolest thing I’ve seen. Mostly because cooch is SUUUUUCH an underrated word. Every once in a while I’m reminded of a word that should be used WAY more in casual convo and this was one of those moments. Cooch is HILARIOUS. Not as derogatory as twat or vag or my personal jarring and overly-disgusting fave: roast beef curtains (RB Curtz for short). Cooch is perfectly suggestive without being offensive. The more that I read that sentence the more I’m convinced it should be a line in a Lizzo song. Maybe it is. I’m not LIT enough with hip hop so if she did steal this line from a rapper then I apologize. But credit where credit is due, that was a 10/10 response from Kendall Jenner. She flies under the radar because she has muuuuch more dramatic and self-obsessed sisters who usually take the spotlight. But a well-delivered cooch-throwing has just sky rocketed her back to the top. And if you don’t think I’m going to use every opportunity to push cooch into a convo then you don’t know me at AWL.

4. Buhholes Galore!

Societal rules don’t apply in quarantine, I guess. Butthole shots can now be justified by boredom according to Sofia Vergara. In case you didn’t already think she was a MILF, here’s her butthole next to her niece’s butthole. Can you tell them apart? Probably not! She’s 48 and her niece is 27. Yet here they are bhole twinnin it up. Just another day at the pool at Auntie Sofia’s bending over the railing to give her hot beefy husband a clear shot of two bholes as he probably does a waistband tuck! LOLOLOL. Say butthole again. BUTTHOLE. While we’re on the topic of buttholes, I recently started listening to Andrea Savage’s podcast entitled “Andrea Savage: A Grown-Up Woman #buttholes.” The idea of the podcast is to interview her friends and make people feel better about being an adult because even if you’re old and have kids and shit, you can still be immature and laugh at the word butthole. Every guest that comes on has to read their name and how they pronounce buttholes and let me tell you it makes me giggle every single time. I feel like the word buttholes, much like the word cooch, doesn’t get enough appreciation for how ridiculous and silly it is. I applaud Andrea for her work in re-emerging it into society and giving it the spotlight it deserves. Also, she’s super funny and her show I’m Sorry about her life is must-see TV–you can catch it on Netflix. And that’s my Ted Talk on BuTtHoLeS.

5. WE DID IT! 

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Last week I announced the reunion special of Parks and Rec and prayed to the Quarantine Gods that we didn’t get a steaming pile of dump reunion because we REALLY NEEDED SOMETHING GOOD. And thankfully, they delivered. The Parks and Rec reunion premiered last night and it was PERFECT. It was not at all forced, the storyline of Corona Virus meshed with the characters that they all played in the show and was a completely plausible plot for all of them, it wasn’t at all odd that they weren’t in the same place and they still made it unified and make sense. I CAN GO ON ALL DAY. BRAVO!!! A reunion done right. Most importantly, I was nervous that requesting the return of a B side character was a lofty expectation but I got my Jean Ralphio singing dumb words AND so many more side character cameos as well. And lastly, it ended with a heartwarming group singalong to one of the greatest fictional tunes of all time, 5,000 Candles in the Wind. If you’d like to listen to that song as well as my other top fictional hits, check out my baller playlist I made like 3 years ago HERE.

And if you missed the episode last night like I did because you were busy drinking on the kitchen floor with your sister for a skilled wine glass tiktok, you can catch it on YouTube here:

 

BONUS:

You didn’t honestly think I was going to reference acrobatic drinking and not plug it in full here did you?! In my never-ending quest to perfect a TikTok dance, I had the genius idea to learn the choreography from It’s Gonna Be Me and drop it in all y’all’s faces today, May 1st. Because I’m me, I watched it once or twice and was like I CAN DO THAT, especially because I know I’ve tried to learn it before back in the Darryn’s Dance Grooves days. To be generous, I gave myself a full week to learn it. I started practicing on a Wednesday. I watched several different TikToks and decided I needed more of a breakdown so I turned to Youtube for a slower tutorial. In a half hour, I learned the first two moves, which literally cover “Every little thing I do” in the chorus. That’s about 3 seconds of dancing. I immediately quit. I’ve never felt so defeated in my life. Arms and legs are NOT SUPPOSED TO MOVE IN OPPOSITE DIRECTIONS AT THE SAME TIME. HOW DO YOU DO THAT?! Then last night I showed my sister the Bye, Bye, Bye dance, pointing out that we for sure did that at every wedding we’ve attended and it shouldn’t be a problem to learn. Once again we pulled up a Youtube tutorial from Lance Bass himself, as he noted that he was a TERRIBLE dancer. We spent another half hour trying to nail down the right, left, right, right footwork in the beginning. Then we tried following the Tiktok instead since that’s how we learned our first dance. No matter what we did, we both stumbled and looked like it was our first day stepping out of a wheelchair we’ve sat in for months and we were learning how to walk again. WHY do I tell you all of this in detail? Is it to humiliate myself? Maybe. OR POSSIBLY it’s to show you the DEDICATION I HAVE TO BECOMING A DANCER WHEN I DON’T HAVE A DANCER’S BODY. I’VE BEEN CURSED WITH THE LOVE TO DANCE AND THE LACK OF RHYTHM. Obviously, we gave up and decided to move our focus to something we’re better at. Drinking.

Someone commented that it should’ve been set to the Titanic song and he wasn’t wrong. Huge missed opportunity but he also doesn’t know the blood, sweat and tears that went into It’s Gonna Be Me. I will never give up. I’ll learn a dance even if it kills me. And if you’re like woooooow these two are talented as hell, here’s a little reality check to knock us down a peg or two.

HAPPY MONTH OF ME TO ALL OF YOU!!!

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JUice

Weekly JUice

Week of 9/18/17

1. Dave Grohl.

I’m gonna be honest, when Peyton and Brooke wrote Dave Grohl on the hot guys list on her closet door, I was like meh, seems like such a Peyton “I’m a brooding emo rocker” thing to do, I don’t really see it. And then I see him do an interview or watch a live performance and I’m like YUP. I get it.

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In kind of related but not really news, I gave two weeks notice at my job, which has landed me in the sweet spot that everyone must find themselves in at some point where you have two weeks of kind of pointless time at your job. You’re finishing things up but not really starting something new, because why start something new when you’ll just have to hand it off anyway. And thus, I found myself putting my feet up and watching this lengthy carpool karaoke on full screen while at work. Sorry not sorry. Whatever, it was a good one. I mean seriously, how often do you hear of someone having their broken ankle/leg held in place so he can finish out a concert? Baller status.

2. Audrina pulls an Audrina.

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So apparently Audrina and Australian Corey are getting a divorce BUT the real JUice lies in the fact that she also has a restraining order against him. They have a baby and got married a few months after she was born but it’s now coming out that he’s been abusive for essentially their whole 10 year on and off relashe. Not to make light of abuse because it is certainly not funny, but while reading an article on People covering the news, Audrina LITERALLY quotes that she thought having a baby and getting married would make him better. Insert thinking face emoji x a billion. Also again, not to add fuel to the fire, but as a devout Hills fan who watched Justin Bobby LITERALLY make out with a hideous red head right in Audrina’s grillpiece and then have her continue to date him for a few more years….yiiiiiiikes.

3. NIALL ❤

Even though I once declared that Zayn won the post-1D solo act, I’m willing to go back on my word and admit I was wrong. It’s like all Niall needed was to get his braces off and he’s full blown man now. All of his solo hits have been ah-mah-zing and he’s just so mature and soulful now. Between the old man scally cap that he casually wears to pints with his mates and the straight on-camera stare at the end, I was like whoa, Niall is here to stay.

4. BTS Pile full of Tays.

Remember when this video came out and I was genuinely like, I studied film and still don’t understand how she did this pile and made it look so realistic? Yeah, well I wish I didn’t learn. Because it made it 100% less cool. Come on Taylor, leave a little mystery there. Also, you don’t need to make yourself more relatable by acting awkward. We know you’re awkward, gurl. Let us enjoy LWYMMD for what it is…you clapping back and looking like a real badass dime. DON’T RUIN IT.

5. Full House of Lies.

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It’s the 30th anniversary of the premiere of Full House, expertly coinciding with the release of their third Netflix season of their hot garbage revival, Fuller House, and therefore the entire cast is raping the press this week trying to get more views so they can keep making unfunny television that sullies the Full House reputation. Regardless of all that… Jodie Sweetin just admitted via some interview that she’s never seen a full episode of Full House and I CALL BULLSHIT. I mean COME ON-you were on the show for how many years and now there’s a full revival of it?! How ridiculous is that to not have been able to fit in one single 20 minute episode in the past 30 years. And I love her bullshit Hollywood excuse of, oh we don’t have cable. SO?! YOU WERE IN THE ACTUAL SHOW. Bets are you got a DVD set at some point! This whole thing just enrages me and I’m wondering if I’m just taking out my disappointment in Fuller House on Steph because she said something stupid. Could be, but I WON’T TAKE IT BACK.

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Pop Culture, Television

The Hills: That Was Then, This Is Now

It’s been 10 years since The Hills taught me that moving to a city in your twenties is equivalent to being a celebrity. It left out the part about not being able to afford an apartment with a pool, staying in with network TV on a week night instead of hitting the clubs, and having friends that DON’T give you diamonds for your 21st birthday. Whatever. The Hills MIGHT have given me unreal expectations about post-college life being as fancy-free as a Natasha Bedingfield song. That’s why I’m not sure why I’m so surprised that they duped me once again. LC made her big announcement about a month ago about The Hills “reunion” for all the fans that stuck by her side (Me, obviously. I buy all her clothes and still quote her daily.) They revved us up with an all day marathon of the reality TV glory (pre-Kardashian days.) And then what they delivered was a one hour special with LC, her parents, her husband and a couple of producers…talking about her life. They promo’ed both clothing lines, her charity work, and showed us how gr8 her life is now. I KNOW HER LIFE IS GREAT. SHE’S LAUREN F’ING CONRAD! And it wasn’t until that final credit rolled last night that I realized I had eaten that shit right up. I was tricked and yet I still watched it and tweeted about it and now I’m writing this recap. You done me good, MTV. But know that I’m disappointed.

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Since I’m assuming the majority of the world chose the ChadBear pooping his pants on Bachelor in Paradise over this snoozefest, here are your highlights. But seriously, I accept Dunks gift cards as a form of thank you for DVR’ing this then sitting two inches away from my TV taking ratchet pictures and videos to enhance this recap.

 

Things That Are The Same:

  • LC still rolls around Laguna in her black convertible, top down, blonde locks blowing in the ocean breeze. Gawd I wanted this to be fake but she’s just such a casj cool Cali girl. Her parents also still live in a kickass house with an infinity pool that looks across the ocean.*(see “things that are different.”)

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  • Thirsty ass bitches are friends. Left on the cutting room floor: Heidi telling Kimmy K at her housewarming party, “We’re the only people in American who have jellyfish.” This interaction EXPLAINS EVERYTHING and I can’t believe it’s been buried for this long.

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  • Audrina is like, really pretty. No seriously, LC talks about meeting “their very pretty neighbor.” It means she’s dumb, guys. Also this is pure bullshit because everyone knows Audrina auditioned to be in The Hills.
  • Brody and LC have 0.0 chemistry. Their first date banter about LC’s Cheshire cat smile and how it pretty much seemed like it was going nowhere was just the tip of the iceberg. Obviously producers fabricated the LC/Brody drama and now we have the proof! Like a couple of seasoned actors, they played along with: I like your smile, no I like your smile! *closed mouth kiss.* END SCENE.

Things That Are Different:

  • *Except now Mr & Mrs Conrad’s house is a shrine to LC’s magazine covers.

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  • Bitch intern Emily might’ve once shamed LC for being so uneducated in the world of flowers but LOOK AT HER NOW, she knows what garden roses are and runs a fashion empire. Where did you end up, Emdoggz?

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  • We now know that Jason was a RAGING alcoholic during his early reality TV star years. This is key as now we can unearth the real reason LC dumped his ass and a BTS peek at him hammered when they force her to “recreate” their breakup for the camera. LC was actually crying because it was morning and Jason was three sheets to the wind, or like a freckle past a hair? This scene alone is hilarious and then LC adds a very generic & monotone, “Jason had a happy ending and is sober and married.” Good for you, Jason. Sucks that LC didn’t get enough credit for telling ole spiky hair, BOY BYE because she was sick of dragging his dead booze weight out of Les Deux on a Monday night.

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(PS what a Dick for being drunk and saying LC isn’t acting normal.)

  • LC is a businesswoman now and realizes that MTV bought her Teen Vogue “internship.” Whereas back in the day she actually thought she was interviewing for it. Oh, honey.

Things That Deserve Their Own Reality Show:

  • William and LC. Seriously these two cannot be any cuter. LC babbles about fashion and William looks at her like this:

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He even attends her clothing line board meetings. RELASHE GOALZ.

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  • LC yelling at MTV for putting her and Spencer in the same room. These two HATED each other and seeing LC be like wtf, guys every time they snuck him into a scene would be all the entertainment.

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  • The amount of guys that Hills producers paid to chat/kiss/be LC’s boyfriend for the night. Seriously, the way they mic’ed up dirty Parisian guy before he even walked over to LC is impressive. Then they pulled the puppet strings to get him to kiss her. TV MAGIC. I guess this is technically the premise for Unreal but I’d still like to see more of their blatant producing of this show. LC was tipped off this guy was going in for the kiss so she ran away. I’ve never been more proud. That kiss would’ve been like a hit of dirt and nicotine. Stay clean, LC.

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But actually think about what it would be like to be 23 and out at a bar where every guy who chats you up has already spoken to your producers and signed a waiver. YIKES.

  • LC’s cat eye. No f’real. Her business savvy is impressive, her charity work is honorable but the most important thing is that winged liner. I will worship all day at the altar of her perfected Persian eye.
  • This house.  I think I actually wiped up a little drool just from an establishing shot of her yard. Holy MTV money.

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Noticeably Missing:

  • Segment on where Justin Bobby is today. What his spiritual beliefs are, if he’s washed his hair lately, if he still sweeps chicks off their feet with just one burp. You know, the important stuff. I would’ve even settled for LC giving us an unfiltered commentary on a classic JB scene.

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  • An apology from Lisa Love. She’s gotta feel like a real asshole now for Paris-shaming LC when she was just trying to check her 18-year-old boyfriend into rehab.

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  • A shoutout to William’s days in Something Corporate. Sigh. Tween girl in me is disappointed. HE USED TO BE A PUNK HEARTTHROB! HE WAS ONCE FAMOUS TOO! Give us that backstory!
  • A live look at Heidi and Spencer as aunt/uncle to Holly’s baby. Does Uncle Spence rub crystals on the little homeboy?

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  • Whitney’s reaction to a shocked face montage.

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  • An in-depth discussion of current events and politics with Audrina.

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  • LC mocking her worst fashion moments of The Hills. Cough cough, plastic black headband, cough.

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And finally, it wouldn’t be a real rundown on The Hills without mention of the most ridiculous couple. As a reaction to being iced out of the special, Speidi took completely different approaches, both with the goal of attention. Let us observe. Spencer went full Kanye:

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Heidi opted for the kill ‘em with kindness tactic. Hey Heidi, LC will never be your friend again. Stop trying. It’s been 10 years. Let it go, girlfriend.

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*Cue acoustic version of “feel the rain on your skin….no one else can feel it for you….only you can let it in.” 

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JUice

Weekly JUice

Week of 7/18/16

1. Pippa’s in the news again, not for dat ass. Pippa Middleton, known for having a killer a$$ at the Royal Wedding, is engaged. Her ring is kewl I guess (not as kewl as Kate’s for obvious reasons), but what I’d really like to chitchat about is the discovery I made this week via her engagement announcement.

London Celebrity Sightings - July 21, 2016

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Her fiance is James Matthews, who is basically just a rich businessman–but what I discovered is that James’ brother is Spencer Matthews. I went down a rabbit hole of British reality TV winter break during my last year of college..mostly because Bravo played a full week marathon but regardless I got far too attached to the show Made in Chelsea, which can be summed up as the British version of The Hills. So you can see why I was hooked. Juicy, trashy TV with sexy men who make everything sound classy just because of their accent. SOLD. Anyway, what I’m getting at in this very descriptive back story is that Spencer was essentially the more badass Brody if we’re continuing with The Hills comparison. He was sexy but he had a lot of bad boy to him and played two chicks REAL hard. His main love triangle included Caggie who essentially was the LC of Made in Chelsea–in that she was way too good for that trash and eventually “moved away” aka realized that appearing on MIC was probably ruining her career.

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I shipped Spencer and Caggie real hard until I realized how scripted everything was and that they pretty much never dated IRL. The show went downhill real fast after Cagz left. Either way…SPENCER IS 1 BAZILLION TIMES HOTTER THAN JAMES. WTF, Pippa?! I mean, I’m guessing she doesn’t want to stoop to a reality star who may or may not have a coke/sex addiction’s level but James seems like a real snooze to be engaged to.

And that’s my forced two cents on that. Also fun fact: when the show was clearly struggling they brought the She-Pratt into play as a whole cross-country storyline. That’s when you know a show is failing…when your last ditch effort is to hire Spencer Pratt’s sister to join the cast. YIKES.

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1a. I JUST WANNA SMUSH HIS FACE. Keeping on the topic of America’s obsession with all things royal fam. Prince George turns 3 today and is still the cutest little chap on this earth. Seriously check out that mug in his annual birthday photoshoot. What a lady killer he’s gonna be. (Also well on his way to be poster boy for Vineyard Vines with that whale accent and jazzy pocket tee) I’m more excited for Pippa’s nuptials for the purpose of seeing more adorbs pics of the royal kiddies. PS Tossing the pup into the photoshoot was thought of JUST to explode every female’s ovaries, right?

2. Another 1D’er going solo, how original. 

Yeah, yeah, yeah tell your story walkin, pal. It’s not news once the band has already broken up and Harry Styles is shooting a movie that you’re going solo. Best of luck topping the sexual awakening of Zayn and color me unimpressed for now. Not for nothing, but I feel like I majorly overlooked the fact that Liam is high up there in the hotness rankings of 1D. I mean he’s obviously hotter than Louie but seeing his Twitter avi really bumped him up a few notches for me. He might be stealing the #2 spot from Zayn. Harry is first for sex appeal reasons. I can’t explain it, I just feel it. We’ll see how Liam does solo first before I can declare that furreal.

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3. This week’s celeb splits–not the gymnastics kind. I’m very depressed to report that Joshua Jackson and Diane Kruger have ended their relationship. My heart breaks for the Pacey-obsessed tween that still lives inside of me. They were together forever in Hollywood years and always killed it on red carpets. Fashion forward AF. They also weren’t obnoxious and in everyone’s faces about their love–which I truly appreciate. Pour some out for the loss of a gr8 couple this weekend, guys.

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I’m not as depressed to report that Lady GaGa and Taylor Kinney have separated for the time being. Long distance is hard on them and Gagz has asked that we all root for them to get back together in the end. Look, I can only root for one celeb rekindling per week and if I had to choose I’m going with Diane and Joshua. Tough luck, guys you should’ve picked another week to announce your breakup. Plus I was out on you two the minute that you had sex for art and made us look at pics of you covered in paint and boning. Think about that next time you ask for my T’s & P’s.

4. I’d like to see someone wear this as an adult. 

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Lisa Frank decided to make a large comeback this week by announcing a new clothing line. Did I love the SHIT out of my LF pencil boxes, folders and lunchbox? Hell to the yeah. Would I ever want to wear a sweatshirt with pastel-colored animals on it as an adult? Hard no. It’ll be interesting to see who actually buys into this. My guess is that Katy Perry will be rocking this ensemble with pink hair knockers in her pigtails at her next big appearance. (Those pink dolphins straight KILLED it back in the day though.)

5. Need more Missy in my life. As an avid fan of this James Corden bit, I’m big enough to admit when one sucks. And sorry, but Michelle Obama isn’t that interesting. I get she’s doing it to plug her charities and girl power projects but other than that this was a real snooze. It made the cut this week ONLY because Missy makes a cameo for Work It–a complete banger–and I seriously need her to get back on a regular schedule of fame. She teased us with the Super Bowl cameo in 2015 and then disappeared again. I need more than her and a puppet dancing to Pep Rally in a commercial for a Siri-knockoff. Her pointing to everyone else in the car to sing her song and flipping that weave in the backseat gave me life. Especially when James F’ed up every word and she just gave him a look like, yeah I do that too. So basically, just watch 11:20-13:38 for mah gurl Missy. Because realistically she should have her own Carpool Karaoke.

BONUS: Alex Pettyfer gave us a reason to forget that he’s a known Hollywood asshole. MORE, MORE, MORE!!

So there’s a little throwback lady boner for all to take you into a lovely weekend.

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JUice

Weekly JUice

Week of 5/30/16

I feel bad that we haven’t JUiced together in a while (if that sounds disgusting to you, pls know that I laughed while typing it.) And although there were only a couple noteworthy news stories this week, I still decided to post, y’know FOR ALL MY FANZ.

1. Tayvin is dunzo.

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After a little over a year…or as every news media outlet feels the need to point out FIFTEEN MONTHS (as if their relationship was a newborn baby that goes by age in months until they turn 5) T and C have broken up. It is rumored that Calvin ended it, and the two broke the “silence” about it a day after the announcement with:

So like, it’s over. They probsicles won’t get back together and the world will keep turning. Were they a hawt AF couple? Duhs. Since I’ve built a blog on my snarky hot takes I’m just going to throw it out into the breeze that not too long ago Taylor decided to chop all her hair off and bleach it real hard, also changing her look to 90’s grunge in the process. I’m not SPECIFICALLY saying that this was the cause of the breakup but like… come on. Liam Hemsworth and Miley Cyrus ended their engagement rrrriiiight around the same time that Miley buzzed her head and started dressing like an off-duty stripper. Jus sayin. Tossing it right out there and you can feel free to toss it right back. I look forward to whatever hunk Tay snags in the future and hopefully an entire album full of All Too Well’s.

2. Zay-Gi is dunzo. (Did we ever even have a couple name for them? Whatever.)

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After seven months of dating and a suuuuper weird music video for Zayn’s solo debut, these two have also called it quits. I mean, they really crushed the Met Ball red carpet but other than that I pretty much had no investment in this relationship. Zayn’s kind of a turd for leaving 1D just so he could release a couple songs with F bombs in them that hint at bedroom times. GiGi’s a smokeshow and realistically Zayn was outkicking his coverage in the first place. Guess that means the SQUAD IS SINGLE (please read in WOO girl voice). Selena, GiGi and Tay about to be out wrecking dick this summer. Was that too graphic? Good. SQUAD SUMMER COMMENCE. (Hey girls, give me a call if someone’s out sick one night and you need another single lady to hit the town with.)

3. The Hills is 10 years old.

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10 years ago this week, we were introduced to a few 19 year olds who were juggling “work” and play in LA. That means 10 years ago I was dreaming of the day, when I too, was old enough to live by myself in the city and party hardy. Joke was really on me when I learned that young adulthood bloooows IRL when you don’t have a producer paying for everything. Anyway, usually the first to pretend The Hills didn’t exist, LC addressed the anniversary and announced a special to air August 2nd on MTV for the fans. It will include BTS stories and answer fan questions. YAAASSSSSSSS. Thanks for my belated bday gift, LC. THIS IS ALL I EVER WANTED. Then they took it one step too far and are supposedly shopping a movie idea around (which LC has yet to sign on for…good call.) The rough plot is modeled after a Sex & The City movie and will catch up with the ladies in their marriages/baby life. NO. THANKS. That literally sounds HORRIBLE. Following a bunch of morons around as they navigated their 20’s on “reality” tv? Gold. Following a bunch of moms for a 2 hour movie? Dirt. Here’s hoping that never happens and instead we get a kickass special where Stephanie Pratt finally tells us she’s learned the difference between a hamster and a guinea pig.

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4. Put your muffs away, ladies.

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OH IF IT’S FOR A GOOD CAUSE. BY. ALL. MEANS.

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This isn’t cute. This is junderwear. Junderwear is when Daisy Dukes get so short and tight that they basically just morph into your undercarriage and you’re essentially rolling around in a jean diaper. To be clear, this isn’t me body-shaming. I have a pair of jorts that slowly over time (100 pizzas and donuts later) turned into junderwear and I acknowledge the fact that they are such. IT DOESN’T MAKE THEM SEXY. IT JUST MAKES THEM JUNDIES. Regardless, this is it’s own headline on the JUice because I’m sick of famous ladies being like hey check out my RB curtains, IT’S FOR FEMINISM or IT’S FOR GUN CONTROL! LoLzzzz! Seeing a lady’s basement does not make me think harder about problems facing our world, and then influence me to take action. And that’s just a fact. THESE ARE NOT GOOD ENOUGH REASONS TO SHOW OFF YOUR BITS. And that seems preeeetttttyyyyyyy obvious. End. Rant.

5. Here’s a music video that made me confused.

Timeflies released a music video for their catchy jam Once in a While. Except it’s pretty weird. Either way I didn’t have five things to talk (type-yell) about this week so just enjoy this beat, feast your eyes on Cal and wonder what the motive was behind having a girls’ eyes spazz out and wink one at a time for a music video. That pool party looked fun though…my invite must’ve gotten lost in the mail.

PS Happy National Donut Day! I waited until I was safely in the confines of my vehicle to go to town on my frosted treat. Unfortunately, I was still technically at work and was caught red-handed taking a donut selfie. Whoops. Sometimes bragging to others is more important than actually enjoying the donut. Which I did. Real hard.

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JUice

Weekly JUice

Week of 5/9/16

1. RyGos played us. Because of course we learn about a Ryan Gosling/Eva Mendes pregnancy like while they’re popping that thing out. Gos Girl #2 arrived this week and they’re really sticking with the Spanish names, as this one is Amada Lee Gosling. I did some research on the Google and Amada means “beloved” so I guess that kinda sucks for Esmeralda. She’s no longer the baby –who, face it, gets spoiled in every family AND she got the short end of the stick in the naming department. Roof stoof, girl. Since we’ve never even seen baby numero uno, don’t hold thy breath for a snapshot of the newb. Damn celebs and wanting their privacy. So selfish.

2. New HaWt Coups Alert.

Apparently Robert Buckley and Lea Michele are dating, which I approve of very much. Lea is a babe, Robert is a babe. Teen drama royalty. End of discussion.

3. What Would Playboy Spence Think? (WWPST?)

Our favorite LA slut, Brody Homeboy Jenner is finally settling down. I mean, realistically he was already settled for quite some time now but the ring makes it official. No more Vegas birthdays with Frankie and the boys, or smooching Jenn Bunney on her birthday. Clearly I’ve never moved on from a fictional reality show roughly 10 years ago. Whatever. Either way that’s a rock right there! Speaking of rocks, do you think Spencer will be invited to the wedding? And if so, will he give them marriage crystals? Okay. I’m done.

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4. Marla Hooch still has it.

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A film festival staged a reunion for the movie A League of Their Own, because reunions are SAH HAWT right now. As beautiful as Marla Hooch was in the original film, if this picture is any indication, she’s still GOT IT. Hot damn, ladies! Sooks that they couldn’t get Rosie or Madonna… or even Jimmy Dugan. I feel cheated. JK I don’t because this picture made me laugh out loud.

5. Mikey Posner gets deep.

I saw a bunch of musicians tweeting about how this performance was a huge deal and since I suffer from severe FOMO, I powered up the ole YouTube and got to steppin to see what this was all about. Pretty cool considering this song as it was released was a techno beat and Mike stripping it down and making up lyrics on the spot made it a whole lot more relatable than poppin pillz on an island. Plus, if Matt Nathanson approves, SO DO I.

BONUS: Prince delivering burns from beyond the grave.

Prince, may he rest in peace, is still reminding the Kardashians that they’re garbage from 6 feet under. And I respect the hell out of it. First he kicks Kimmy off his stage for dancing terribly then he demands no Kardashians set foot on the same set as him. What a baller.

 

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JUice

Weekly JUice

Week of 11/09/15

1. Missy is bringing music videos back.

Missy was obviously always releasing bangers back in her heyday but she was also known for her extravagant videos with dancing and makeup and weird shit happening. Now that she’s officially BACK (and it’s about damn time because it’s been a century since she ripped the halftime show right out of Katy Perry’s claws) she is bringing the art of the music video back with her. This video had cartoon makeup, lifelike puppets, PhunkeeDucks, etc, etc. The Queen is back, betches.

2. Isn’t it ironic? Don’t ya think?

Props to Alanis for being in on the joke that is “Ironic”. It’s like raaaaainnnnnnnn on your wedding day! Not anymore though, now it’s like they announce a new iphone the day after you buy it. That’s 1000x worse than a no smoking sign on your cigarette break. Jus sayin, the Apple FOMO is real. James is quickly becoming my favorite late night host to make an ass of himself in front of celebrities too. He crushed the end solo.

3. Sequels on Sequels. It’s like releasing the same movie with a “2” in the title, 10 years later. And isn’t it ironic? Sorry. That song is still in my head and also I find it annoying that sequels with this much time between the first and the second movie are still happening. First up is Finding Dory, aka Finding Nemo about Dory. Dory has short term memory loss and wants to find her family or something. Finding Nemo is 12 years old. Seems like this would’ve been a great idea like no more than 5 years after the first one was made so it was still fresh. But whatevs, I’m not in the movie biz so what do I know.

Next up is My Big Fat Greek Wedding 2. Not going to lie, I 100% thought that the parents in this movie were dead now. They were old in the first movie (made 13 YEARS AGO) and if this trailer proves anything it’s that Hollywood people apparently live forever. That was a dumb sentence but I stand by it, and also I’m in a hurry to finish the JUice because I’m hungry. It’s been a whole five minutes since I’ve last eaten something. ANYWHO, everyone is older in this movie and there’s a new generation of Greeks that are embarrassed by their family. It’ll still be funny judging by this trailer and I’ll still watch it but like originality points are 0.0.

4. I love dem bad girls.

This was on last week’s SNL and it DIDN’T have Trump in it. Win, win. I’ve always been partial to these newer SNL skits with all the females acting ridiculous–the popular songs that they released about going home for the holidays were gold. Even though this isn’t their original song it’s still a perfect skit for anyone who can relate to being a pretend badass. For the record, I always ask for a water cup at Panera and then put water in it. They give you clear cups so THEY’LL KNOW IF YOU STEAL. I’m not a savage.

5. The Rock is the man and he knows it.

Apparently The Rock has a girlfriend and she’s real preggers. The hashtags say everything you need to know about The Rock.  JUST OVER HERE MAKING BABIES AND STUFF! I imagine when his girlfriend broke the news that he upturned a table and shouted YEAH. ALL DAY. ALL DAY, BABY.

BONUS, another Hills wedding…

The most tolerable of Hills characters, the classiest of Teen Vogue, Whitney Port got married over the weekend and looked like a beaut. There were no stories about Hills cast members attending the wedding because she’s a real human who separated herself from the show and only appeared once in a while to look shocked and over-pronounce her “ing” words. Anyway, she looked cool, fun and trendy on her wedding day and I approve. I wonder if Lisa Love would though?

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JUice

Weekly JUice

Week of 8/17/15

I don’t mean to alarm anyone but I did have a pretty serious incident this week where I was under the knife. I had my tongue sliced and stiched and therefore I’m basically bringing you the JUice this week while handicapped. I’ll take get well wishes in the form of Dunkin gift cards and appreciate you all keeping me in your #thoughtsandprayers.

1. New Fire Flametastic Music. CAN’T DRAG 1D DOWN. They lose a member, get in catty twitter fights and knock a “stylist” up but don’t say 1D goes quietly into the night. This song was released about a month ago when they were trying to convince everyone that all was well but they just dropped the music video where they’re a bunch of astronauts, NBD. Good song and even better flow for ya boy Harry…seriously, lettuce for days.

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Nick Jonas also gifted us with Levels today and it already has the Cin stamp of approval. I was bumping it and noticed that she couldn’t help but bop her head as she was going through the mail. That’s just what Nick does…show his abs and crank out hits for all ages.

2. Bill Hader gets super stoned in Amsterdam with a bunch of famous comedians. You know what’s funny? People getting trashed. You know what’s funnier? Famous people who are paid to be hilarious getting trashed together and telling us about it. Bill does a killer Seth Rogen impression and then Vanessa Bayer shows up at the end sounding like I did when my mom used to pick me up from the bars at 4AM back in the day last weekend.

3. Julianne Hough is engaged while Brian Austin Green and Megan Fox are this week’s celeb trip to D-town. 

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We continue our theme of where there is love there is loss. Julianne Hough and her hottie hockey boyf get engaged (no ring pics yet BOOOOOO) and Brian Austin Green/Megan Fox are the next victims of the summer of Divorce. To be completely honest with you, I was more devastated by the news that Donna and David were having trouble in paradise than I was for this divorce of actual humans and not fictional characters. But seriously, 90210 ends with Donna and David finally togets forevs, then they announce a reboot 90210 and tease the dream team coming back for a guest appearance so I dutifully watched a GARBAGE show for an entire season only to see Donna come back SANS David and announce they’re probably getting divorced. I apologize, I just got fired up again merely rehashing it for you. DONNA MARTIN GRADUATES, DONNA AND DAVID FOREVER.

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4. BaBaY New$. Jana Kramer got married like five minutes ago and now she’s preggeroni. This week she announced it will be a girl through an incredibly awksies gender reveal insta video.

Kelly Clarkson announced she’s having baby #2 accidentally after a case of the mid-concert sobsies. It’s cute because she wants to assure everyone she isn’t drunk or high she’s just pregnant and that’s why she can’t stop crying onstage. Watch 1:40 if you want to hear the announcement.

5. The She-Pratt had a casual crystal meth addiction at 14. I think I’m more shocked by the fact that anyone still keeps tabs on Stephanie Pratt rather than the fact that she apparently couldn’t get enough of the ice when she was barely a teen. It kind of all makes sense now. It’s the final piece of the missing puzzle. She once had a hamster when she was little but then she got all hopped up on the crank and bingo bango suddenly she has a guinea pig. The GREAT news is that you can read all about her childhood drug addiction in her memoir, because that’s what we were all missing in our lives.

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Bonus: Cookie and Lucious battle it out Lyon style.

PRAISE Taraji doing Mary J Blige and MJB literally playing second fiddle to her onstage. That’s how you lip sync like a boss bitch. Credit where credit is due to Terrence for making the high notes of the greatest babymakin song of all time look real life. Clap it up for laying it all on the line just for round 1. More of this in Empire next season, pls.

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Television

The Hills Drinking Game

53a05077d50a8_-_cos-01-lauren-conrad-the-hills-cast-xl It’s no secret I have a thang for Lauren Conrad and another thang for trashy reality television…which comes together quite nicely to make The Hills a re-watchable series for me. Except instead of sitting down and binge-watching, I’ve found that it’s best consumed during a gal pal wine night as a way to feel nostalgic for a time when thick headbands were in style oh, and also to get hammied. I hope that sharing this very official drinking game with all of you will fulfill the overwhelming desire that you once had to booze every time Justin Bobby’s greasy locks and open mouthed burps graced your TV.

Take a Sip When:

-You see LA Traffic or the Hollywood sign

-Brody or Spencer uses the term homeboy or homie

-Audrina/Heidi talk to Chiara/Elodie about their personal lives that these “co-workers” are certainly not a part of.

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-Justin Bobby’s hair looks greasy

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-LC touches her hair

-“Lisa wants to see you in her office”

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-Audrina has a blank stare that displays minimal brain activity, usually directed toward the ceiling.

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-Spencer’s sister is referred to as the “She-Pratt”

-Whitney ends an “ing” word with the “k” sound instead

-Anyone starts a sentence with “It’s like…”

-Heidi admits that she has no friends, just Spencer

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-The phrase “Be Careful” or “Be Cautious” is uttered about anyone wanting to buddy up to LC’s shady ex-friends

-Spencer calls Heidi “my dear” and sounds like he wants to wear her skin as a suit.

-LC preaches an inspirational quote about love or friendships

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-JBobby calls Audrina “dude” as a term of endearment. Swoon.

-LC or Steph are in class to remind us all that they actually go to college

Take a Shot (or Gulp) When:

-LC is hammie sammied

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-Whitney’s surprised

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-LC cries

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-Justin Bobby burps up everything he ate that day (and possibly that week)

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-Jen Bunney is shady AF

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-A character says something off camera that is very obviously a voiceover dubbed in

-Audrina says she’s DONE with JB…DONE.

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-Audrina is over being DONE with JB and takes his “hairstylin” ass back

-Whitney gives LC feedback that is really just repeating what LC said in an advice tone of voice

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-An up and comer is introduced on the show like they’re in a garage band and they’re now a huge superstar (i.e. Lady Gaga)

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-“ARE THEY TAKING SHOTS?!”

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-LC insults Audrina and she’s too stupid to notice, usually referring to her taste in men or Heidi using her to get to LC

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-The gang announces that an event or trip will be drama free…and then there’s drama.

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Take a Knee & Chug Your Drink When:

-The single black tear rolls down LC’s sad losing-another-BFF face

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-LC doesn’t go to Paris

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-LC does go to Paris

-Audrina pretends to be friends with Sean Kingston and his crew and has a poster of him in her cube at work

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-Trashcan bar-slut redhead kisses Justin Bobby in front of Audrina but when confronted claims, “I didn’t kiss him. I didn’t NOTHING him.”

-Three 22 year olds buy a Hollywood mansion with a built-in pool

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-She-Pratt describes the life cycles of pet rodents

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-Spencer compares the bickering of basic betches to world conflicts. “It’s like trying to tell Iran and Israel to get along.”

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-Spencer hooks up an IV of tequila to Heidi and then convinces her to marry him in Mexico

-Brody goes to Las Vegas reality show jail for dramatic effect

-LC makes her grand exit (Finish all the drinks within reach. It’s the end of the series.)

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Pop Culture, Television

Lauren Conrad Nuggets of Wisdom

It’s been a beat since I’ve dedicated a blog to my gurl LC, I figure once a month is appropriate even though realistically I could do once a week. I’m trying really hard not to force my girl crushes down your throat. You’re welcome. Anyway, ever since I made the wise and empowered executive decision to round out my DVD box set of The Hills with seasons 3/4 (5-6 don’t count because LC peaced up outta that bitch and the show went to shambles) I’ve been logging an episode per day, soaking in the young adult carefree lifestyle I should be living, full of laying by the pool and nightclubbin’ on weekdays. Instead I’ve been shackled to my apt for months because mass transportation couldn’t handle the 10 tons of snow, but whatever, because I’m still able to really hear the wisdom that LC dishes out to her friends, and I’ve decided to gather her smartest nuggets of unsolicited advice for all of you to consider. Let’s take a few minutes to attend the church of Lauren Conrad and reflect on what she preaches.

1. Go with your gut, but use your head.

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Ah one of the many Laurenisms uttered in reference to Justin Bobby. LC knew from the start that JBobz was a real handful but that she couldn’t share her real opinion unless she wanted to be THAT friend who dumps on every guy her BFFs choose. It was just too soon after the Speidi/LC fallout. So instead she spoke in Chinese fortunes when Audrina would ask for her opinion. This is pretty smart of LC because she was being clear that JB was a poor choice, but saying it in a way that would be too hard for Audrina to figure out, because she would have to use her brain, something that was far too difficult for a girl who stared at the ceiling for an entire 6 season series.

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with using my brain.

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2. I think that every guy can change with the right girl.

This is more of a hopeful piece of wisdom. Girl’s got her head in the clouds full of taming bad boys (ahem Jason). LC might’ve been tooting her own horn a little bit here but it’s nice to think that playboys can be tamed. We’ll take this one with a grain of salt.

Dat Bad Boy Lyfe

Dat Bad Boy Lyfe

3. Love is not a maybe thing, you know when you love someone.

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LC said this to zero brainwave activity Heidi when they were still friends, Heidi had her original rack and was considering dumping Jordan the hedgehog hired boyfriend from South Carolina. Heidi was all, I think Jordan is mean to me and stuff but I really like having a boyfriend. And when LC asked if she loved him, Heidi had to ask herself if love and sex were different. She was still unsure when LC dropped this truth bomb.

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4. You weren’t being over-sensitive, he was being over-asshole.

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This is a sassy piece of word vomit from LC that should be bible. Any time a guy treats you like a piece of garbage (in this case it was Justin Bobby…could it really have been about anyone else?) you remember that LC said it’s his fault and not yours!

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5. All there is left to do is forgive and forget. So I wanna forgive you and I wanna forget you.

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I mean this is a big one. The tell off to Heidi, once and for all. The inner struggle of never forgetting what a shitty friend she was but also wanting that old friendship back. The best part about the whole conversation is that once she lays this beatdown out there, Heidi responds with, “Ok, it was great seeing you.” Realistically how do you respond to LC telling you she would like to forget you exist? Burn City- Population: Heidi Montag.

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6. Nobody’s had the best relationships in the past. That’s why they end.

tumblr_lvid2x3PtK1r095e7o1_500What a modern day love guru LC is when she tries to reassure Brody that just because he’s been the shittiest boyfriend in America doesn’t mean he can’t shape up and give it another go with her. Unfortunately his affinity for dating playgirls eventually gets in the way of that but it’s for the best because Brody also penetrated Kristin and LC can’t afford to keep sharing boyfs with that ho.

7. Don’t ever cry over someone that wouldn’t cry over you.

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Even though she says this to Steph, AKA She-Pratt AKA a grown adult who thought that hamsters turn into guinea pigs, this is still an applicable life lesson. Tears should only come into play if both parties involved are baby bitches. If Brody Jenner calls you cray cray, it’s prob not worth sobbing in the bathroom.

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8. There’s always that one person that you always go back to.

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The classic rule of recycling men to maintain your number, LC basically invented dis shit. Steven, Jason and Brody were in her lineup and boy did they sub in and out a lot. Girl had that rotation on lockdown. All the respect.

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9. Like everyone, and trust no one.

BAM. Did LC get a little jaded at some point with all her shady friends and decide that maybe she should start speaking and living like a mafioso? Yeah she did and you know what, I’m cool with it. The mean streets of LA can make you HARD. Girl had to buck up and realize that her besties were about as trustworthy as that big eared betch Elodie. In other words, you can think Stephanie Pratt’s inability to answer a telephone or use the computer is fun and amusing but don’t think for a second it doesn’t mean she’ll jump at the chance to date your ex the minute you go on a family vacay to Italy without cell service and internet.

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10. It just is what it is. It’s not always fair.

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This deserves to be noted because it’s far too similar to something Scar from the Lion King said (another wise basic bitch). You see, life is NOT FAIR. No but for reals, was it fair that a 22 year old was living in a mansion with a pool, jetting to Vegas and Cabo on the reg and hitting the club circuit every night all on MTV’s dime while I was living in a smelly apt with my parents at 22 suuuuper funemployed? No it’s not fair…but it is what it is. 

Now go forth and spread the good word of our Holy LC.

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