Television, Red Carpet

Emmys Red Carpet 2018

I’d like to say that I watched the 70th Emmy’s last night but mostly I just talked over it and shoved cheeses, meats & olives into my mouth. Certainly didn’t stop me from sounding off about everyone’s outfits, tweeting about nipples and laughing at the cringeworthy proposal that occurred onstage for all to see. Feels good to be back.

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Oh, ok. So I guess the rule is if you won an Emmy last year that gives you the right to show up in a silk button down with a corset layered over it and adorned with costume pearls. I just re read this and HOW COULD I FORGET THE G-D BRIEFCASE SHE’S CARRYING TO TOP IT ALL OFF. UGH. Get out of my face with this, Laura.

70th Emmy Awards - Arrivals

This was not her only trash outfit of the night and very much subscribes to the theme of women dressing like they live in the Great Depression, which thanks to a knowledgeable customer the other day, I learned was in 1935.

70th Primetime Emmy Awards, Arrivals, Los Angeles, USA - 17 Sep 2018

Well why don’t we just start adorning ourselves in neon parachutes? WHY NOT.

70th Emmy Awards - Arrivals

I almost ralphed upon laying eyes on this busy as a bee ladysuit.

70th Primetime Emmy Awards, Arrivals, Los Angeles, USA - 17 Sep 2018

Hey Mario, injuring your foot is not a good enough reason to wear suit shorts.

70th Primetime Emmy Awards, Arrivals, Los Angeles, USA - 17 Sep 2018

Ma’am, I’m gonna need you to address the creature growing out of your shoulder. Sterling, you good, boo.

NBC's "70th Annual Primetime Emmy Awards" - Red Carpet

Pretty surprising turn of events for Kristen Bell to end up on my shit list but this dress sucks.

70th Primetime Emmy Awards, Arrivals, Los Angeles, USA - 17 Sep 2018

There’s gotta be a Beetlejuice on every red carpet. But like, why.

70th Primetime Emmy Awards, Arrivals, Los Angeles, USA - 17 Sep 2018

This would’ve been my dream outfit for a special event if you had asked me when I was 7 in 1998.

NBC's "70th Annual Primetime Emmy Awards" - Red Carpet

This was Darren’s night to shine because his portrayal as a serial killer in the Versace show was nightmares and yet he chose to wear what looks like a jizz stained suit for it.

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I honestly can’t tell if her and Maya Rudolph were trying to be ironic with their outfits straight out of a different time period. The last time I wore a statement belt was freshman year of college. And on top of that she’s rocking a rat tail sticking out of her head and this pattern is ROUGH.

NBC's "70th Annual Primetime Emmy Awards" - Red Carpet

Does this sequin nightmare have actual horns?

NBC's "70th Annual Primetime Emmy Awards" - Red Carpet

The pompadour and possible shorts really throws this whole look off course.

70th Emmy Awards - Arrivals

What’s happening here other than Toby and his date sharing eyeliner?

70th Primetime Emmy Awards - Limo Drop Off, Los Angeles, USA - 17 Sep 2018

THERE IS A WAY TO DRESS FOR YOUR SIZE WITHOUT LOOKING 6 TRILLION TIMES BIGGER. THIS IS NOT IT. INSERT CLAPPING EMOJIS AS NEEDED.

NBC's "70th Annual Primetime Emmy Awards" - Red Carpet

I think Allison ripped this off of a horny 17 year old at prom.

70th Emmy Awards - Arrivals

I read a headline that this dress has a special meaning…I’m guessing it has to do with pride but like it’s not necessary to dress like a clown for an elegant event.

70th Emmy Awards - Arrivals

Carrying the sparkles and platforms torch of the evening.

70th Emmy Awards - Arrivals

As much as I love mint. This dress is wrong. All kinds of wrong.

NBC's "70th Annual Primetime Emmy Awards" - Red Carpet

So apparently this was her wedding dress. She is divorced now and supposedly wanted the dress to have a night on the town. What really had a night on the town were her erect nipples. When the Ungermyer took the stage to accept the Emmy, her areolas quite literally poked my eyeballs out. She even had the gall to mention that she skipped the bra. NO NEED TO LET US KNOW, WE RECEIVED THIS MESSAGE WHEN YOUR NIPS TOUCHED THE MIC BEFORE YOU DID.

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WTF.

NBC's "70th Annual Primetime Emmy Awards" - Red Carpet

I thought I read somewhere that Kirsten Dunst is preggers but judging by this photo and her knockers busting out of her dress yet having 0.0 waist or belly, I’m very perplexed. Landry is literally scaring me.

70th Primetime Emmy Awards, Arrivals, Los Angeles, USA - 17 Sep 2018

I’m not sure that the Emmys are the place to roll up like you’re Janis Joplin. She looks great for like a concert or the AMA’s.

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Not even a little bit flattering.

70th Primetime Emmy Awards, Arrivals, Los Angeles, USA - 17 Sep 2018

Could everyone just put their nipples away for one night? Also props to the “paint your two front strands of hair blonde” color job.

70th Primetime Emmy Awards, Arrivals, Los Angeles, USA - 17 Sep 2018

I am afraid. Also if you look at her from the right angle it looks like she has elf ears and she’s carrying a bible. That is all.

70th Primetime Emmy Awards, Arrivals, Los Angeles, USA - 17 Sep 2018

Tracy looks like an idiot. Which he might’ve been aiming for. So this could be a compliment.

70th Primetime Emmy Awards, Arrivals, Los Angeles, USA - 17 Sep 2018

This is just a tripping hazard. I mean, come on. I’m assuming she didn’t expect to win or she’d have a broken neck.

NBC's "70th Annual Primetime Emmy Awards" - Red Carpet

Alison Janney is having a moment lately because she’s got a hot bod and her career is still kickin but I don’t think that gives her the right to dress like a showgirl. She could’ve rocked a million other looks way better.

2018 Primetime Emmy Awards - Arrivals, Los Angeles, USA - 17 Sep 2018

This is a dress for a 12 year old.

NBC's "70th Annual Primetime Emmy Awards" - Red Carpet

I can’t stop staring at the top of this lime popsicle of a dress. Why so round?

70th Emmy Awards - Arrivals

From lime to banana.

70th Primetime Emmy Awards, Arrivals, Los Angeles, USA - 17 Sep 2018

When your boyfriend is hosting maybe bring your A game.

BEST

70th Primetime Emmy Awards, Arrivals, Los Angeles, USA - 17 Sep 2018

I think this is a tasteful amount of feathers and Keri looks like a babe.

70th Primetime Emmy Awards, Arrivals, Los Angeles, USA - 17 Sep 2018

You’ll find that many made the best dressed list just because I violently hated so many outfits that when I saw an outfit that was just fine, I threw them a bone. Her legs look good so here ya go.

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Joey King of Kissing Booth fame gets her princess moment but like where the hell is Flynn?

70th Primetime Emmy Awards, Arrivals, Los Angeles, USA - 17 Sep 2018

Another dreamy princess/napping dress that I can always get down with.

NBC's "70th Annual Primetime Emmy Awards" - Red Carpet

He always looks fresh.

NBC's "70th Annual Primetime Emmy Awards" - Red Carpet

I’m into the green for something different.

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Basically one of the only SNL stars who didn’t look like they borrowed costumes from set to wear.

NBC's "70th Annual Primetime Emmy Awards" - Red Carpet

This is so weird and yet I’m mesmerized by it. Probably because it’s Alexis Bledel and she looks beautiful in anything.

70th Emmy Awards - Arrivals

Power suits for a power couple.

70th Emmy Awards - Arrivals

Milo kind of looks like a geeky waiter but it’s Milo and I love him anyway.

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This fella is really embracing fall fash and I’m here for it.

70th Primetime Emmy Awards, Arrivals, Los Angeles, USA - 17 Sep 2018

The bowtie! And the pants! And the boots!

NBC's "70th Annual Primetime Emmy Awards" - Red Carpet

YAAAS CONNIE! Will she ever age?! Will that head of hair ever look less than perfect?! NO.

NBC's "70th Annual Primetime Emmy Awards" - Red Carpet

I don’t love Chrissy’s dress but it’s not like hideous so whatever.

70th Primetime Emmy Awards, Arrivals, Los Angeles, USA - 17 Sep 2018

This is fun and adorbs!

NBC's "70th Annual Primetime Emmy Awards" - Red Carpet

Hot damn, lady. Didn’t you just have another baby?

70th Primetime Emmy Awards, Arrivals, Los Angeles, USA - 17 Sep 2018

Benedict’s fine and all but his lady friend is really rocking the yellow with a red lip.

70th Primetime Emmy Awards, Arrivals, Los Angeles, USA - 17 Sep 2018

Another cozy furry number that I want to lay my head upon. Hair could’ve been better but hey, who am I to judge? (lololololol)

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It kind of looks like she’s barefoot but if you’re not distracted by that like I am, check out this sassy jumpsuit equipped with cape! This might be sneaking up into one of my favorite looks of the night.

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Showing the men some love.

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I mean we get it, you’re skinny and you have big boobs but I do like this color a lot!

NBC's "70th Annual Primetime Emmy Awards" - Red Carpet

Although I usually shy away from showing off your pecs in a dress, this color looked good on her and looked good on camera when she did her not funny awards show bit while introducing a category.

NBC's "70th Annual Primetime Emmy Awards" - Red Carpet

Mandy always looks good but I am wondering why we needed to mermaid the dress so short that her feet are sticking out. Her cleavage looks luscious though.

70th Emmy Awards - Arrivals

This suits her. Would I wear it? Never. But she’s rocking the hell out of that tulip dress.

NBC's "70th Annual Primetime Emmy Awards" - Red Carpet

My favorite look of the night and it ain’t even close and I swear it’s not because she’s married to JT and they look BOMB together. But like, it also kind of is…

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We got a babysitter. #Emmys

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Television

Emmys 2017 Recap

I used to do a recap for every awards show ever…in fact I think I had to physically stop myself from watching and recapping the Kids Choice Awards. That was where I drew the line, apparently. It was a very fine line. I recapped funny things that happened, or I would critique how the host did UNTIL Trump was elected and Hollywood decided that every awards show should be their personal political platform. It’s cool guys, you have your opinions and you want to share them when everyone is watching, it’s whatever. The problem HOWEVER is that for someone who doesn’t follow politics (this guy) awards shows have officially become over my head. Their jokes, their jabs, the over-exaggerated bits–everything flies over this dum dum dome, and therefore HOW CAN I RECAP A SHOW I DON’T EVEN UNDERSTAND?! So to my true hardcore fans–I apologize for the lack of content. I genuinely don’t think awards shows are funny anymore because I’m not in on the joke. That being said, I’ve picked 5 things about the Emmys that WERE entertaining, JIC you also tuned out after the first five minutes of a song saturated by political commentary.

1. The Only Trump Joke I Laughed At. Obviously every late night host has perfected their Trump impression and Stephen Colbert hosting was a precursor to a whole lot of political nuances that I was prepared to zone out for. But then he read this tweet:

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And panned to Seth spitting up marbles. I actually burst out laughing. It’s the simple things that get me, really. What a great bit. Colin Jost’s casj straight face really hits it home.

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2. Anna Chlumsky is the new Taylor Swift.

I’ve never seen a more overdramatic over-reactor since Taylor Swift owned the audience cam at every awards show ever. Anna puts asses in the seats when it comes to facial expressions. Half the time I didn’t even know something was supposed to create emotions until I looked to her face for guidance. She was shocked, she sobbed for no reason during an acceptance speech & she pulled a full range of weird faces while onstage during Veep’s acceptance, just trying to find the right one. Do 1000% less, Anna.

3a. RIGHT ON THE KISSER.

I missed this happening live and was so happy that it was on twitter within minutes. God Bless Twitter. HOW can you possibly kiss your co-star like that right in Keith’s grill piece? That’s some cold shit, Kidman. Like I get that you guys had a real, shall we say, intimate acting experience together–but like NOT a good look to make out on live TV. If I were Keith I would’ve popped him right smack in the middle of that stupid ‘stache he’s rocking. My friend and I sat there with baited breath through Nicole’s acceptance speech to see if she would even thank Keith because obviously we were convinced just from that kiss that she’s having an affair. Cheating is bad but like maybe Nicole sleeping with her costar is what Keith needs to clean up that hairstyle that he’s had since 1997. It’s such a horrific mom cut and it does not belong on his head. Just saying. This could be beneficial for all. BTW she did gush over her hubs and called him “my Keith” so I guess she wins back points for that. BUT I HAVE MY EYE ON THE SITUATION.

3b. Nicole hates Reese.

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Big Little Lies was my draw to the Emmys this year. Each year I watch one thing that’s worthy of awards and BLL was my golden ticket this time around. So I was extra interested every time they were on screen, especially because they made such a giant deal about all being women and how GROUNDBREAKING it is that women are lead roles in Hollywood, which I feel like has been going on for some time, but whatevs. I knew that they all couldn’t be besties like they kept blabbing on about so I waited for the weak moment and I didn’t really need to search hard for it. Nicole was up against Reese for lead actress in a mini-series and when she won, she kissed that husband of hers (at least it wasn’t Alex this time) and bolted up to the stage at lightning speed. Reese was sitting DIRECTLY BEHIND HER. All it would’ve taken was a quarter turn and fake butt-out hug but she didn’t even give her that. BURN CITY, Population: Reese Witherspoon. Then she starts her speech with  “Reese, I share this with you.” Do you though? And then proceeded to have a 15 minute speech that the DJ didn’t DARE play off. Suddenly Nicole Kidman is a power player? What is going on here.

4. The Pearsons are REAL.

I may be biased because Sterling K Brown delivered my favorite speech from last year’s Emmys but I also feel like he deserves a shout out because they played him off the minute he opened his mouth last night–yet let Nicole Kidman talk for an hour and a half. AND THAT AIN’T RIGHT. Before they literally cut the camera away because he kept talking over the music (KEEP PLAYING, BITCHES) he thanked his This is Us family “You are the best white TV family that a brother has ever had.” That just warms my heart. THEY’RE A REAL FAMILY, YOU GUYS.

5. Oprah.

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I don’t know if I just haven’t been paying attention lately now that Oprah is off TV, just living somewhere soaking in her riches from the OWN network, but girl has dropped an ENTIRE PERSON in weight. She’s got some sassy dark frames and she looked like a real babe soda last night. CBS knew it too. They plopped her front row center so that everyone had no choice but to admire the O. Even John Oliver thanked her in his speech because “she’s sitting right in front of me and it seems inappropriate not to.” Everyone bow down to Skinny Ope. PS White is NOT slimming so it’s even ballsier for her to wear that whoutfit and still look SAP.

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Red Carpet

Emmys 2017 Red Carpet

Kickoff to AWARDS SEASONnNnNNn!!!!! Let’s do this, BITCHES. I’m sorry. I’m just so jazzed and ready to judge.

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We caught you ANNA, trying to sneak past the paps so you don’t have to talk about your divorce. Unfortunately this applique jewel toned dress does not allow you to hide.

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The sleeves. And the cutouts. And the dress made of old aluminum can tabs. I’m not sure which detail I hate more.

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This dress would’ve been fine if they didn’t tack on a foot of black feathers to the end.

Evan Rachel Wood

ERW’s commitment to wearing a suit to every red carpet is getting to be a bit much at this point. Take this tuxedo look for example, she’s wearing literally 3 jackets on top, all different lengths. As my friend Kat pointed out, from the back she looks like a beetle. Not great.

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LOVE my girl Reese, and obviously she looks good in whatever she wears but like come on. It’s the Emmy’s, not a women in business luncheon. Pick a different look.

2017 Primetime Emmy Awards - Arrivals, Los Angeles, USA - 17 Sep 2017

This shade of yellow is making my eyes bleed out.

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I don’t know if I expect Stanley Tucci to be fashionable AF just because of the Devil Wears Prada but he really disappointed me with these baggy ass pants that clearly weren’t tailored to his height. Get it togets, Tooch.

Tracee Ellis Ross

Sleeve/feather combo. ENOUGH.

Ariel Winter

I’m honestly surprised she didn’t just roll up in her jorts with her anus hanging out but having one scrap of fabric cover your bits is no better.

69th Primetime Emmy Awards, Arrivals, Los Angeles, USA - 17 Sep 2017

Girl’s gotta learn that trying to dress young when your face is literally melting off of your head just makes ya look worse. Hot pink with a sassy pony extension is not for everyone.

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These tig ole bitties are seconds away from dumping out onto the red carpet.

69th Primetime Emmy Awards, Arrivals, Los Angeles, USA - 17 Sep 2017

I’m naush just looking at this.

Debra Messing

Nothing will ever beat my reaction watching Debra walk away from an interview on the red carpet and discovering that it looked like an actual table was sewn into the bottom of her dress. WHAT kind of style is that?! Also, shiny burgundy latex. Guess it would be easy peasy cleanup if someone ralphed on her dress.

69th Annual Primetime Emmy Awards - Arrivals

This is a child’s dress and I will fight anyone who says otherwise.

Elizabeth Marvel

No clue who this is I just wanted to point out that sewing pashminas together is now considered a red carpet look.

69th Primetime Emmy Awards, Arrivals, Los Angeles, USA - 17 Sep 2017

Congrats, Julie you look like a fish.

69th Annual Primetime Emmy Awards - Arrivals

I have no words because everything about this dress is bad.

Kristin Cavallari

I feeeeeellll liiiiiike maybe the top of this dress was measured wrong and that her boobs don’t have a home here. Also why does Kristin get to walk the red carpet and LC doesn’t? Jus sayin.

69th Primetime Emmy Awards, Arrivals, Los Angeles, USA - 17 Sep 2017

Is Toby secretly a Las Vegas magician?

69th Primetime Emmy Awards - Limo Drop Off, Los Angeles, USA - 17 Sep 2017

This takes mermaid bottom to a whole ‘notha level.

69th Primetime Emmy Awards, Arrivals, Los Angeles, USA - 17 Sep 2017

I’m sorry, are these SHOULDER PADS?

69th Primetime Emmy Awards, Arrivals, Los Angeles, USA - 17 Sep 2017

Sofia is wearing the same dress she always wears except she decided to toss bangs and a pony into the mix and it was the wrong decision.

69th Primetime Emmy Awards - Limo Drop Off, Los Angeles, USA - 17 Sep 2017

ANKLE PANTS.

69th Primetime Emmy Awards, Arrivals, Los Angeles, USA - 17 Sep 2017

This KILLS me. Because I literally gasped as I saw Mandy’s face and the top of the dress and was already predicting she would be my favorite look of the night. Then I scrolled down. And was so, so disappointed. Homegurl, why you going for the Shamu tutu? If the top layer of black tulle went straight down this would be BOMB.

BEST

Melissa McCarthy, Ben Falcone

These two look fabulous togets.

69th Annual Primetime Emmy Awards - Arrivals

This is on here because I was genuinely shocked to see Peyton Sawyer on a red carpet, looking babe and actually smiling. You go, girl. (ALSO SHE’S PREGGERS?!)

69th Annual Primetime Emmy Awards - Arrivals

JLD literally doesn’t age.

69th Primetime Emmy Awards, Arrivals, Los Angeles, USA - 17 Sep 2017

I rocked back and forth between hating this and loving this and finally settled on loving it. Does she look like a giant pinata? Kind of. But also I would want to wear this fun as shit dress and I bet it’s super comfy to pass out drunk in.

69th Primetime Emmy Awards, Arrivals, Los Angeles, USA - 17 Sep 2017

I rip real hard on Nicole Kidman but this looks good. Except for the pink mismatched heels. But I’LL LET IT GO.

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I mean obviously.

69th Primetime Emmy Awards - Limo Drop Off, Los Angeles, USA - 17 Sep 2017

I don’t know if I love the flyaways poking out of this dress but these two look pretty chic as a coups.

Priyanka Chopra

I know I shit on all the other feather bottoms, but like, this one is different. Because she looks stunning in this regardless of the texture.

Tatiana Maslany, Tom Cullen

BABE SODAS.

Seth Meyers

I’m beginning to realize that it’s either ankle biter pants or baggy ankles in men’s suits. There is no in between.

69th Primetime Emmy Awards - Limo Drop Off, Los Angeles, USA - 17 Sep 2017

SLAY ALL DAY.

69th Primetime Emmy Awards, Arrivals, Los Angeles, USA - 17 Sep 2017

Her boobs are basically the perfect size for this scandal of a dress, thus making it endearing and not slutty.

Tichina Arnold

That leg, grl.

69th Primetime Emmy Awards, Arrivals, Los Angeles, USA - 17 Sep 2017

I’m into all of it.

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I feel like I’ve never seen Heidi wear a baggy dress and I needed this shake up. Obviously she still needed a slit up to her RB curtz to stay true to her roots but whatevs. ❤ Bohemian Heidi

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This was the most feminine I’ve ever seen Kate look and she’s crushing it.

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Dunno this actress but I respect the hell out of a violet scandal like this.

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Lea looks like a fall dream.

69th Primetime Emmy Awards, Arrivals, Los Angeles, USA - 17 Sep 2017

What a delicate flower.

69th Primetime Emmy Awards, Arrivals, Los Angeles, USA - 17 Sep 2017

G might be awkward as hell on the red carpet but this is a dress right here.

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Take notes, gentlemen.

69th Primetime Emmy Awards, Arrivals, Los Angeles, USA - 17 Sep 2017

I was really digging on this powder blue for some reason.

69th Primetime Emmy Awards, Arrivals, Los Angeles, USA - 17 Sep 2017

This is how you do sparkle.

69th Primetime Emmy Awards, Arrivals, Los Angeles, USA - 17 Sep 2017

What a little Hugh Hef in training.

69th Annual Primetime Emmy Awards - Arrivals

Was it a rule that if you’re under 10 you show up looking like a baller?

Chrishell Stause, Justin Hartley

This is purely to drool over Justin Hartley in a suit.

Millie Bobby Brown

You know I love when a girl looks age approps and cute! Cough cough, anyone but Ariel Winter.

69th Primetime Emmy Awards - Limo Drop Off, Los Angeles, USA - 17 Sep 2017

Felicity showing up the older crowd on the red carpet who tried too hard to look young and ended up looking like they belonged in a Wax Museum.

69th Primetime Emmy Awards, Arrivals, Los Angeles, USA - 17 Sep 2017

James always looks spiffy.

Milo Ventimiglia

Ugh, Milo. Swoon city.

69th Annual Primetime Emmy Awards - Arrivals

Fall goals: a dress with literal leaves on it.

69th Primetime Emmy Awards, Arrivals, Los Angeles, USA - 17 Sep 2017

Pretty, pretty princess.

Shailene Woodley

Even though Shai’s hair looks like a wig, this dress is killer.

69th Primetime Emmy Awards, Arrivals, Los Angeles, USA - 17 Sep 2017

Feelin that hunter green, clearly.

69th Annual Primetime Emmy Awards - Arrivals

Love this color, could do without the awksies underboob cutout.

69th Annual Primetime Emmy Awards - Arrivals

I wish JT were hanging off that arm, but putting jealousy aside Jessica looks bangin. Everything is werkin except her poof could’ve been taken down an inch or two. Fave look of the night.

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JUice

Weekly JUice

Week of 7/10/17

Hey remember when I used to razz real hard on the headlines from the week and everyone was like CAN’T WAIT TILL FRIDAY so I can hear the important opinions of The Salty Ju on buzzworthy topics?! Well Hollywood’s been a real drag this summer and I wasn’t about to do 5 bullet points on Slob Kardashian vs. Blac Chyna so I went on hiatus. But I’ve pulled myself out of retirement because the Queen has finally broken her vow of silence and I simply cannot go down without shouting my opinions across the internet in rebuttal.

1. Sir Carter & Rumi.

Staying true to her pregnancy announcement photos, Yonce stayed in hiding and released a professional portrait for the announcement. She looks great but let’s focus on the fact that she named her son Sir. As in please SIR, may I have some more? What a DUMB name. That’s like naming your daughter Ma’am…which in itself is offensive because no one under the age of 75 should ever be addressed as Ma’am. I got ma’amed once at a gas station by the attendant and almost took a lighter to the joint. So like this kid is going to grow up a little bit and be confused AF about when someone is talking to him or not. Also, since she put Carter after Sir and not after Rumi, am I to assume that his name is Sir Carter Carter? PLZ clarify this, B. Unless she’s really doubling down on her #FEMINISM and giving the twins her last name, which would mean Blue Ivy has a different last name than her sibs and that would be a real dick move. To be clear, I don’t love the name Rumi either but it’s not as downright preposterous and personally offensive as Sir Carter squared.

2. Wedding Season.

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The weekend finally arrived- And it was MAGICAL!!! The weekend my best friend, my love of my life, and my new husband @brookslaich and I brought our family and closest friends together to have fun, encourage love, and celebrate our marriage! I'm so grateful I get to spend forever with this incredibly kind, thoughtful, strong and adventurous man. I'm the luckiest woman in the world to be your wife! It was truly the most special time in our lives and because we believe so much in putting love out into the world to help inspire and encourage others, we have decided to share our special day with all of you. To get an inside look check out the link below! Much love to you all! ❤️ J+B 👰🤵 http://people.com/tv/inside-julianne-hough-brooks-laich-wedding-photos/

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Julianne Hough got married to her hockey playin hunk and natch had Marchesa custom design like 1500 things for her to wear through the course of one day. She looked stunning of course and had a body suit created for her reception so she could drop it low in comfort. #Goals.

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3. Emmy Noms.

Click HERE for full list of nominations but know that the only reason I bring this up is because soon enough it’ll be awards season again and I will be glued to my couch with wine and chips calling celeb fashion choices hideous. Also I always like to pat myself on the back when I’ve consumed something worthy of an award. This year I can check two off the list…Big Little Lies and This is Us. I think This is Us is incredibly overrated and everyone is shitting their pants over it just because TV has gotten SO bad but like also I’m not about to stop watching it and be out of sync with what the rest of the world is talking about. Big Little Lies on the other hand was addicting as shit and also might’ve given me a couple of nightmares. I put up with the darkness just so that I could tell people I’m cultured, obv. It’s like when I read 1000 trashy erotic novels and mix in ONE NY bestseller that everyone is buzzing about every year so that when someone says oh what’re you reading, I can swiftly reply with Girl on the Train and spark an intellectual conversation instead of shamefully admitting that I’m currently engrossed in “How to Handle a Cowboy” with a shirtless man on the cover.

4. Winter is Coming.

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Never on this planet am I looking forward to winter especially because summer basically just started and my full-on tan has finally kicked in. HOWEVER, everyone who knows me knows that I love to get down with the Olympics. Last winter Olympics my sister and I watched figure skating every day during work and I threw an Olympics themed house party that consisted of my 4 friends (while my parents were out of town) wearing red, white and blue and me shouting DRINK every time someone fell while skating or skiing. (Or if there was a closeup on Bob Costas’ juicy pink eye) Last summer I declared I was going to throw a round 2 of that party on opening night but then realized that it’s only fun to do in winter when there are no other options but to watch TV and drink. Also I was really hungover. Get ready to party in February 2018 though. Gus, the Sochi puppy rescuer of 2014 is back and figure skating is always LIT. (Are the youths still saying that?) Whatevs. South Korea here we come!

5. Ease Up on that Corduroy Jacket.

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Apparently Zayn and Gigi are the Vogue poster children of gender fluidity because they “wear what’s comfy”. Well this is some bullshit. Just because Gigi throws a track suit on just like her boyfriend she’s suddenly a spokesperson for that new “it” phrase gender fluidity? Get outta town. I wear asexual sweatpant shorts and baggie tees/sweatshirts all the time. I thought it just meant that I was lazy and dressed kind of like a slob kebab, but apparently this whole time I’ve been championing a very important social cause. K.

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POLITICS BONUS:

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The man who sang “Bawitdaba, da bang, da dang diggy diggy” and wears fedoras over a doo rag is running for the US Senate. That is all.

EAR BONUS:

Too bad this song came out this week and narrowly missed the Summer Palooza 2017 cut. It’s pretty bada$$ though and I ship it.

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Television

Emmys 2016 Recap

I missed the monologue (edit: then found it online and was immediately swayed to call at least one person a sneaky little crumpet-muncher this week) but I’m willing to give Jimmy Kimmel my stamp of approval as host because he’s pretty damn likeable and 90% of his jokes landed throughout the show. Even a Bill Cosby reference. Plus, his beef with Matt Damon should be old at this point but they found a way to keep it fresh. Also, he’s not Andy Samberg, who literally buzzkilled real hard last year. And that’s saying a lot since my power went out mid-show and I still missed half of his bits. Anyway, since my TV consumption pretty much begins and ends with trash, I don’t have a lot of knowledge of the nominees (except for People vs. OJ..prayers up that I watched something of “value” this year) but I do have a lot of snarky comments and here’s a brief recap of the 10 best things about the kickoff to the most wonderful time of the year—awards season.

1. Food jokes part 3. By law, there must always be a food bit at awards shows because Hollywood as a group, doesn’t eat. If you’ll recall we’ve already had pizzas delivered via Ellen at the Oscars and then a follow-up of girl scout cookies with Chris Rock. Kimmel went for a more traditional route by having his mom make everyone PB&J’s and I didn’t hate it. Mostly it just made me salivate for one, cut diagonally of course. Cin, could you whip one up and overnight it? Everyone knows a PB&J doesn’t taste good unless your mom has made it with love. It was a nice touch that Mrs. Kimmel also included a personal note in each sack lunch. I officially rank this bit above the girl scout cookies but will never hold a candle to A list celebs shoving a cheese slice in their pizza hole in evening wear.

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1a. JUice’s take on the Juice. As a part of this brown baggin it sketch, Jimmy also handed out juiceboxes and as an eternal fan of Ross’s tireless repeating of “Uncle Juice” for the entire season of The People vs. OJ, he fully deserved to be roasted via actual juicebox.

2. Claire Danes took a trip to the actual sun for tonight’s look. Unfortunately I missed Claire walking the red carpet but I can only hope that one of the interviewers asked her where she got her “glow” and then quickly answered for her “THE SUN?!”, Chandler Bing style. Wooooooooof to that spray tan girl. Double woof to an actual headline that I saw calling it a glow. That ain’t a glow. That’s toeing the line with blackface.

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3. John Mayer’s guitar face wins all the Emmy’s. If you’ve ever been a fan of J.May you know that he has an all-time guitar stank face. Since he’s decided to become an official deadhead and tour the country jam-band style instead of making new bangerz, I’ve really missed that pinched look gracing my TV. It was a wonderful surprise to see it before commercial breaks. The only thing that was missing was a T. Swizzy audience dance-fest cutaway. (Could’ve really used this for Hiddleston’s entrance as well…just sayin the Emmy’s was missing drama.) PS I don’t count moving the camera from Hiddleston to Mayer as drama. Stop being so immature, Emmys.

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4. Comedy females crushed the genuine. Kate McKinnon won supporting actress for SNL and Julia Louis-Dreyfus won lead actress for Veep. Both ladies owned the acceptance speech. Kate brought the tears but wanted to clarify that they were real, which is important to know coming from a sketch actress. Julia apologized for creating an environment where it’s ok for politics to be a big ole joke but then it got real dusty in here when she talked about her dad dying a few days ago. We should all thank our parents for actually liking us because I imagine that can be difficult sometimes. (90% of the time, for me.)

5. KYLE CHANDLER, YAAASSSSSSS. Coach presents an award for something that I immediately ignored because I was busy slobbering all over how good he looked onstage. Clear eyes, full hearts, Kyle Chandler doesn’t age. Then Kit Harington and Andy Samberg do a bit about kissing him and he gets a second moment to shine. Obviously I would give Kyle Chandler a million kisses but I’ll also throw a smooch to whoever wrote him into the show this much. It was needed.

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Reunited. #Emmys #fnl #blurry

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And not for nothing but I would also give all the kisses to Kit Harington as well. Swoon city.

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6. Matt Damon makes me want to start snacking healthy again. Damon continues his beef with Kimmel by strolling onstage post-lose and showing that he actually can be hilarious…and also that he’s the most graceful apple eater on this earth. Seriously, when I bite into an apple one would think a horse has gotten loose with the chomping and apple spray that ensues. Matt managed to chew like a hot piece while simultaneously roasting Jimmy and I’m proud of him for it.

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7. Queen B lost, but Hova won. Lemonade didn’t win (middle fingers up) but Jay-Z got to write the COOLEST line a guy could give to his lady via acceptance speech. Sterling K. Brown of People vs. OJ won, and confidently closed his speech with the lyric “I got the hottest chick in the game rocking my chain.” So, like, he got laid last night.

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Seriously, it’s goals on goals to be called out like that. Then Courtney B. Vance tried to get all up on that, copycat style. And then a white guy ruined it later on…Typs.

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8. Ryan Murphy Isn’t God. Even though I was proud to have actually watched a show that won shit, I would never go so far as to say that the People vs OJ was the best show on TV this year. Either way, the actors in it snag all the awards but then when the series wins, they’re played off the second they touch the mic. To be clear, everyone and their mother talked over the music until it stopped and yet the entire cast of this show was like eh, ok and just let the insulting premature strings send them packing. Should’ve taken some notes from Aziz Ansari who got played off then doubled back once he got the mic again and gave his acceptance speech. Play by your own rules People vs. OJ. Bunch of squares.

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9. Tori Kelly slays. Her acoustic version of “Hallelujah”gave me all the feels for the “insert celebrity name died this year, really?” portion of the show.

10. Byebyebyebyebyebyebyeeee. The final acceptance speech via the cast/crew of Game of Thrones ended with a stony-faced “bye bye” from a writer(?) possibly director or producer(?). Listen, I don’t know a damn thing about Game of Thrones other than that everyone watches it and there’s a lot of sex and murder but the biggest takeaway is that Bye Bye is SUPER weird unless you’re a marionette and you’re tacking on another bye. This might be all I remember from the 2016 Emmy’s and I respect this guy for it.

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Bonus: As election season coincides with awards season, we should all get reaaalll used to the fact that all of Hollywood is “with her.” And the correlating jokes are about to get exhausting.

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Red Carpet

Emmys 2016 Red Carpet

Summer’s over BOOOOOOOOOOOO times a trillion, but on the up and up, it’s awards season again and that’s something that I can totally get down with. Sunday’s were made for becoming a TV/Movie/Fashion critic from the couch. *And might I add that I have a brand new couch as of last week to break in (challenge accepted.) This year I raced back home from a weekend of drinking and made it just in the nick of time for the awards, so I can’t comment on what I’m sure was a RIVETING 3 hour block of red carpet fodder. I can, AND I WILL comment on the looks that “took a village” to create for our fave celebs.

WORST

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I’m pretty much always on board with a sparkle gown but on what planet did Danes think getting the Ross Gellar one-mississippi spray tan would fly under the radar?

Ariel Winter

We get it girl, the Kardashians are your idols.

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1970’s chair cover…or something like that.

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I love the shit out of Quinn and fingers crossed that Constance wins for that role but this look is not a W for me.

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I mean, I guess if you wear your nightie to the show, no need to change before bed.

Heidi Klum

This dress embodies everything that’s stressful about dressing for fall. Chilly in the morning then roasting by noon? No prob just wear one long sleeve, one spaghetti strap like Heidi.

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WHAT IS THIS CONCOCTION?!

68th Annual Primetime Emmy Awards - Arrivals

Let it be known that I LOVE a man in a fitted suit but I hate it when it look like they’re wearing a bib. Sry Aziz.

Mandy Moore

Color looks good on her, cupcake ruffles do naht.

Entertainment: 68th Emmy AwardsLet’s call CURTAINS on this dress. See what I did there?! SEE?!

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This seems pretty self-explanatory.

Minnie Driver

Another weird cut-out sitch.

Kathy Bates

Not even being sarcastic but was this one of Kathy’s costumes from Titanic?

68th Annual Primetime Emmy Awards - Arrivals

Ok ladies, time to discover that the cape/additional layers at the hips made you look wiiiiider than you are.

Michelle Dockery

CUPCAKE

Julie Bowen

Julie Bowen’s width is that of a grain of rice.

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Pants are fun because you can sit with your legs wide open but this feels kind of like a throwing a dressy top over some leggings for the red carpet vibe.

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HEY EVERYONE, KERRY IS PREGGERZ. The more you know.

Sarah Paulson

This is all sorts of Christmas tree hideous.

BEST

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Don’t know why Tori is here but I’m down with the classic glam.

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Killin it with that plaid jacket.

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Bowing down to Connie 4 life.

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If we’re being honest, I drooled a little bit just over Jane’s shoes. The dress is dece but I’m really crushing on those shoes.

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A rare win for yellow in Taraji

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This was one of my fave looks of the night. Unfortunately once Tina hit the stage I saw that she too fell victim to the aggressive spray tan. I’m willing to overlook it because she’s ROCKING the green.

Sofia Vergara

Ho, hum, just another pic of Sofia looking like a bombshell.

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The leather criss cross sneaking in

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I’m giving Claire a second chance because I actually do like the dress plus Hugh looks banging of course.

Justin Mikita, Jesse Tyler Ferguson

Dapper dudes right there.

Andy Samberg

Blue suit award of the eve.

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Less is always more.

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#TeamTaylor (if there are teams for a fake relationship/breakup) but he looks alright enough to give props.

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HOT RACHEL.

68th Annual Primetime Emmy Awards - Arrivals

Another favorite of the night because I like sparkly things and I’m envious of women who can wear a skin tight dress and not look like they just ate 10 hamburgers.

68th Annual Primetime Emmy Awards - Arrivals

Kate looks phenomenal and spoiler alert she wins so extra bonus points for that.

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Ladies were all about the red and I’m all for it.

68th Primetime Emmy Awards, Arrivals, Los Angeles, USA - 18 Sep 2016

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White after labor day on point.

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It’s always good to see a 90’s queen still killing it.

Kristen Bell

Typically I would hate a dress with peacocks(?) on it but she’s werkin it.

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Emilia Clarke

Two syllable daaaaa-yummmnn worthy.

 

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JUice

Weekly JUice

Week of 7/11/16

1. Bruh. Delete your Twitter. As if the Taylor/Calvin breakup wasn’t annoying enough, someone whispered into the wind that Tay actually wrote “This is What We Came For”-Calvin and RiRi’s smash summer hit under the pseudonym “Nils Sjoberg” (because that’s a normal name to come up with on the fly) and wanted to keep it a secret so as not to steal any spotlight from her then beau. Well spotlight has been ripped because the deed is done and instead of accepting that, Calvin took to twitter like a 9th grade girl scorned and writing a scathing away message to tell us all just what he thinks about that.

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When you’re surrounded by a team of people paid to make you look good at all times, at what point do they just change your twitter password and rip your phone from your hands? Calvin. Shhhh. You’re coming off really stupid right now. If you had left it at the first tweet everyone would’ve been like aw , that’s nice and carried on with their days. Instead you went on a whiny rant and dragged Katy Perry into the mix. Supes unnecessary. Meanwhile, Taylor’s busy cashing in on a very public romance tour with a guy who definitely isn’t as hot as you…and you won’t shut your yapper about it. Now that I’m done scolding Calv, I think it would be an ideal time to share with everyone that I’m now a Hiddleswift truther after reading two very convincing Buzzfeeds that their relationship is actually all part of a performance art piece ala Lemonade to drop in September. If you too would like to see the light of this hideously obnoxious music video in the making, click here for part one and here for part two. You may now go in peace to ignore all future movements by Hiddleswift and kick back for the main event in a few months.

2. Stop guessing if women are pregs just because we ate a big lunch. 

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If we are to believe that Taylor is purposefully flaunting all the stages of a relationship to send everyone a message to stop being so up in her shit about her love life, AND WE ARE, let’s add to the list that generally speaking the media should crawl out of the female vagina as a whole. What I’m referring to of course, is Jennifer Aniston’s essay as a result of someone trying to guess if she is pregnant for the 1 zillionth time. Spoiler alert: she’s not, and she’d like to have a little water weight without there being a twitter poll on what she’ll be naming her baby. And you know what? PREACH, GRL. I can’t tell you how many times I’ve been photographed frolicking on the beach in St. Barts and my friends are calling me non-stop to see why they had to find out from Star Magazine that I was expecting. JK. Or am I? No but seriously one time I posed in front of the Christmas tree in a form-fitting sweater with my hands in front of my stomach and my mom’s friend asked if I was pregnant. SO THE HURT IS REAL. Not only was it presumptuous to assume that I was getting some, but also IT WAS CHRISTMAS COOKIE SEASON. I had a belly full of cutouts and green frosting and that seems pretty obvious. But I digress, and applaud Jen for finally telling everyone to STFU, in an extremely classy and well-written way, like she should’ve done roughly 10 years ago. Read the complete post HERE!

3. Watch this with the lights down low.

Seriously at this point you understand that my crush on JJ Decker just by herself, and then Eric Decker just by himself and then the two of them as a couple is pretty overwhelming. Well, then they lay this shit on me?! Oh, let’s just frolic and make out and toss each other around like we do on any other Monday night at home! I think I actually drooled a little bit while watching this and I couldn’t even tell you who I was focusing on, because it doesn’t matter. They’re both gorge.

4.Elle Woods 4Ever.

Legally Blonde turned 15 years old this week so Reese Witherspoon showed us all she’s still got it with a bend and snap and also by trying on all of the movie’s original costumes that of course still fit her. She’s 40. What a babe. That pink golf hat should be burned at the stake though.

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Seriously. 😂💖 #LegallyBlonde15

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5. Emmy Noms Takeaway.

Browse very long list right hurrrrrrr.

I always get excited when shows I watched are nominated for Emmy’s because it proves to me that not everything I watch is t-rash. I’m gonna go out on a limb and say that Lip Sync Battle probably doesn’t belong on that list for “Outstanding Structured Reality Show”. Structured? Rly? Anyway, other highlights include UnReal and Constance Zimmer getting some recognition for being a boss bitch #moneydickpower. The People vs. OJ Simpson getting a lot of love (Sarah Paulson for the W) but like, did they toss David Schwimmer in there so he wouldn’t feel left out because his portrayal of Ross portraying Robert Kardashian was lolworthy. Even if he did spark a supercut of “Juice” that could basically be the theme song for this weekly installment. Making a Murderer squeezed in (props to me for jumping on that binge bandwagon) and Amy Schumer was of course littered throughout for her comedy specials and Inside Amy, because it is the year of her. Beyonce even got a little somethin somethin for Lemonade…further convincing me that I need to see that. Then I remember I have to buy it and say hmm better not. And those are my REAL educated overall gut reactions to the nomz. YA WELCOME.

BONUS: Blake is still kiLLin it.

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Most useless bodyguard ever.

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