Pop Culture, Uncategorized

Celeb-oween 2016

As per tradish, here’s a rundown of all the celeb costumes I could find — from offensive, to naked and everything in between. And of course, the winner of this year’s “accidentally racist” costume that they immediately needed to issue an apology for is…….

Casamigos Tequila Halloween Party

YIKES. Outta left field with that one! Didn’t expect sweet ole Hil (who dressed as a basic bitch black cat last year) to fall for this trap.

Also to be clear, every gossip site who described her getup as a “sexy pilgrim” costume should also be issuing apologies because there is nothing sexy about a pilgrim.

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Miss Piggy & Kermit. My OG @allymaki

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Colton Haynes has been creepin up on Heidi Klum as Halloween extraordinare but enough is enough. I understand that Miss Piggy as a character is a slutty pig, but that doesn’t mean we need to see her naked, playboy style. TOO FAR, COLTON.

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Ok last one I promise 🦄🦄🦄🦄

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This year’s unicorn costume SLAAAYYYYY.

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Happy Halloween from Siegfried & Roy 🐯🐯

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Enough time has passed since the incident for this to be ok. Hil, take notes. Getting mauled by a tiger? Give it some time and then ease back into it. Native Americans, on the other hand? Always a no.

No clue what this is supposed to be.

Hey what’re you dressed as tonight? Fairy Queen of the Swamp.

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Tinkerbell is a spunky one ✨💫✨

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What a perfect costume for CCB. Prayers to whoever is rocking those giant feet next to her.

My fave couple killing it power ranger style.

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About last night 🤘🏻#CasamigosHalloween

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Fam Goalz.

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Creep like a Ninja

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Glen Powell, better known as Chad Radwell with my favorite costume of the year. HI-YAHHHH.

Always a good time to throw it back to Alfalfa.

Whoa.

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Scott rides again Resist him if you dare

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WTF IS THIS?! I’ve never wanted to unsee something more.

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have you ever seen a more "why me?" face 😭

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Needs more flair

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Baby Luna CRUSHED Halloween. See Chrissy’s insta for no less than 1000 pictures of the little nugget modeling different costumes.

Speaking of nuggets, here’s ole smooth moves over here as Marty McFly.

As always, winners of the fam costume.

 

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And so we begin the “friendly” portion of Halloween. Playboy bunny from someone who I wouldn’t be surprised to see a sex tape from in 2017.

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You know how cowgirls love to wear their lingerie with a bedazzled belt over it.

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I’m not following on this number for Julianne Hough.

SHE WORE THIS WITH HER CHILDREN. THEY ARE OLD ENOUGH TO KNOW HOW RIDICULOUS THIS IS.

xtina

I’m torn here. This is so spot on but like also tone it down with the skankwad costumes every year, girl.

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Thanks for showing us your nips.

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Ah yes, of course. “Santa”. If Santa had never seen a cookie in his life and also wore sparkly hot pants.

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It felt right to follow up the sexy anything segment of this blog with Mindy’s Cap Sully costume. Which of course, is the opposite of sexy.

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BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOK!

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Bey & Blue in an ode to Salt n Pepa

Celebrities attend Kate Hudsons annual Halloween Party in Los Angeles

Katy Perry upgrading from the time she dressed as a literal cheeto, to full-on Hil. Not sure why Orlando Bloom is Trump instead of Slick Willy. Pretty weird coups costume dynamic.

Casamigos Tequila Halloween Party

LC Queen of DIY Halloween with another banger.

"Matthew Morrison hosts his 7th Annual Halloween-Birthday Party Presented by Freixenet Cava and Podwall Entertainment at Hyde, Los Angeles"

Nina Dobrev’s “I’m a complete dope” face really completes this costume.

Casamigos Tequila Halloween Party

Real life Ryan Lochte went for terrifying this year.

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Is this a real rabbit because it is creepy AF.

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Zach Braff looks like a babe soda

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Stranger Things from Amy & her hot boyf. Truth bomb, that hairstyle doesn’t look unrealistic with Amy’s face.

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Only time will tell if everyone gets outraged at Kelly for dressing up as Beyonce. Seems like a touchy subject lately. Cough cough, Amy Schumer.

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Hard pass to Michael Strahan as Pikachu.

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Well this is, interesting.

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LEO! WHY COVER THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE OF YOURS?!

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Nothin’ quite like dressing up as your younger self and realizing how old you are.

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Demi looks like a dime.

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Today Show tackled the 90’s, which of course I approve.

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Is this the first year Matt has dressed as a male character?

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Even the Today Show pup is killin it.

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Seems a little early in the morning for a hooker costume, but whatevs.

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Did I doooooo thaaaaaattt?

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I cannot and will not stop laughing at Kathie’s Reg face.

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Jenna Bush mailing it in and “dressing up” as her Grandma.

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Ellen and a very low key Heidi Klum as Sia and Maddie. Tough look to have multiple Sia’s in the daytime TV world.

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I already posted a solo shot of Candace as Tink, but it’s necessary to look at the whole cast of The View. Did they not learn ANYTHING from Today Show’s abomination of Peanuts last year? CARTOONS DON’T WORK IRL. This is what nightmares are made of.

HAPPY HALLOWEEN.

End of the day update (since I guess people actually dress up ON Halloween…whatever.)

WAY better than the power rangers. Cause, Doodle.

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We get it, Mario. You’re ripped.

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Enough with the Trolls. The movie isn’t even out yet and JT’s been hawking it since May. Also, those feet.

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Saw a lot of Lochte but didn’t see any Phelps face and I ‘preciate this. Gabby on the other hand is SO four years ago.

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It’s not fair.

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Do better Tay. I mean, I get that you’re bragging that you know Ryan Reynolds by wearing the actual costume, but also the squad can do better than a bunch of basic costumes. Especially when you’re all rich AF.

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Channing COULD NEVER be the beast.

Barbie dreams come true. But that second Insta Blue is CLEARLY like ok enough pics let’s go get some G-D candy now.

And for the big reveal…Heidi Klum’s infamous costume this year that she built up for FAR TOO LONG is

Taking a page out of Kimmy K’s book from last year, Heidi dressed up as herself then took it one step further and dressed up 5 other women like herself, complete with face prosthetics. Kewl.

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Movies, Television

Best of the Worst Hallmark Holiday Movies, 2015 Edition

It’s the most WONDERFUL time of the year. Where I watch B2B cheesetastic holiday movies and visions of going home for Christmas, flirting with my high school crush, having my high school crush tell me home is where I belong (while ice skating and falling in love), and then being married to him by New Years dance in my head. HEY if Hallmark says it’s going to happen…it’s GOING TO HAPPEN. This year’s guide is a continuation of last year’s, updated to include a fresh set of flicks for judging. Read up and navigate your way through TV movie magic this season.

 

WATCH:

Tis The Season For Love- Hallmark, 2015

Tis The Season For Love Final Photo Assets

Plot: Beth is one of those gals who left her hometown and high school sweetheart in the dust to pursue acting in NYC. Except when she comes home for Christmas and starts hanging out with her high school squad again she realizes that maybe it was a little hasty to take a dump on small town life when she can’t get an acting job for shit in NYC. Her ex boyfriend is married with a kid and SUPER queer (they’re still buds though) and her ex boyfriend’s BFF Dean sets his eyes on Beth now that they’re all grown up and reunited. It wouldn’t be a Christmas movie without a little magic of course, so the town Santa gives Beth the key to all her answers. A literal key that he bought at a thrift shop.

Bonus Points: The very cliché exchange of a guy and a girl making plans to hang out and the girl going “it’s a date! Well…not a date..err…uh..” I thrive on awkward sexual tension. Also Dean admitting that he ALWAYS had a crush on Beth in high school, of course.

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Naughty & Nice- Up Network, 2014

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Plot: Sandra has a radio show in Colorado a lot like Delilah but with less of a soothing voice. Pepper has a radio show a lot like porn but then gets suspended and recruited to co-host with Sandra for the time being. Obviously they hate each other because Pepper is disgusting and crass and Sandra likes to spend her free time helping middle schoolers find Christmas love. In like five minutes time their hate for each other has turned into the desire to bang and with a timely mistletoe peck their show becomes must-listen radio. Pepper’s all pervy and suggestive while Sandy scolds him like a mom. Lawlz, these two. Everything’s dandy until Pepper gets his old job back in LA and has to decide if it’s all about the Benjamins or all about the Luuuuv.

Bonus Points: A supes cringeworthy beach trip in LA where Pepper wears a black wifebeater and they make a sand snowman. I laugh out loud every time I see it. I laugh even harder when they long for each other, look at pics of that beach day and cry.

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Once Upon a Holiday- Hallmark, 2015

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Plot: Princess Katherine (from a small fictional country) is on a trip to NYC around Christmas and sad that she has no freedom to do what she wants so she sneaks away to wander around the city like a homeless person. Katie promptly gets robbed (yet is not even a little sad that they stole a vintage camera gifted from her now dead mother) and a handsome stranger named Jack tries to help her out—as strangers do in NYC. While she’s on the LAM, she spends her time with Jack in an abandoned apartment that’s under construction—has this bitch ever seen SVU?—meets his family and casj never reveals her true identity. What allows me to forgive this absolutely ridiculous plot that would never fly today with the media and everyone’s attachment to cellphones is the fact that the actress Brianna Evignan has the best kind of Brooke Davis raspy voice and I immediately am mesmerized when she speaks. The guy’s cute too but like a dream raspy voice is what sold me.

Bonus Points: On their first “date” (once they’ve learned each other’s names), Jack gets Katie street meat with the works and tells her to “just get in there.” That’s my kinda dream date right thurr.

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Best Christmas Party Ever- Hallmark, 2014

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Plot: Jenny is a tightwad party planner and Nick has returned to learn the family biz so he’s prepared to take over for his aunt when she retires. Nick has a little time on his hands because he can’t land an acting gig in Hollywood but he’s charming AF and has jokes for days so obviously he irritates Jenny, who couldn’t tell a funny if her life depended on it. She dates a stuffy jerk from a corporation while Nick has a model girlfriend. Do you think that while planning the big Christmas party these two might realize that annoying the shit out of each other actually means they’re in L-O-V-E? I mean how could she not…this boy would make a nun swoon.

Bonus Points: Jenny’s lamewad “boyfriend” Todd fires her because she won’t agree to throw his company a sleazy Christmas party full of bitches and Ferarris. ALSO When Nick asks Jenny why she’s single she says “no one will ever live up to my dad who died two years ago.” Boner Kill.

 

A Christmas Kiss II- Ion, 2014

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I will go so far as to say this was one of my favorite holiday movies I’ve seen in the past five years, and as you can see…I watch a lot of them. Also, the movie is sponsored by Kay Jewelers so you might guess how it ends.

Plot: Jenna—a former Clean Teen for all you OTH fans—ditched her previously moral values to mack it up with a stranger under the mistletoe in an elevator at work (while dressed like a slutty Santa for a modeling gig.) Turns out that stranger is Cooper, her boss’s brother and a real big whore. Right away I was all for this movie. It was like five minutes in and we had an elevator slobber fest like it was a steamy scene from a romance novel. You know how long it takes for Hallmark characters to kiss? An entire movie. And it’s usually no tonguesies. Anyway…Jenna tries to avoid Cooper’s advances because he’s a playboy and she doesn’t want her heart broken. She also has a hot neighbor whose hair looks sexy pushed back, for extra eye candy in this flick, if you catch my drift. Only time, and a bunch of sloppy elevator kisses will tell if Jenna learns to listen to her vagina.

Bonus Points: There are a lot. Cooper is shirtless for 90% of this movie gratuitiously. He also snakes a copy of one of her sexy Santa pics that he keeps with him at all times should the mood for a solo session arise. Cooper has a crazy bitch ex-girlfriend who comes over and takes kissy selfies with him while he’s unconscious…date rape-question mark.
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SKIP:

Christmas Inc.- Hallmark, 2015

Christmas Incorporated Final Photo Assets

Plot: Will takes over his dad’s supes successful company at like 25 or something and Riley snags a job as his assistant accidentally through another Riley’s resume with more experience. She keeps that info on the DL in order to prove herself but obviously it’s revealed after Will has become obsessed with her and it’s like the betrayal of the century, or something. No really, Will CANNOT get over that she got the job on false pretenses even though she singlehandedly saved a factory. To top it all off, Riley’s hair looks like it has a ponytail crease in it the whole movie, and I wish someone in wardrobe noticed and got her a new curling wand for Christmas instead of a rich, hot boyfriend.

WORST: Will makes Riley dinner one night and woos her by saying she reminds him of his grandmother. Cringez 4 dayz. At least her response is on point with, “Every girl is dying to hear she reminds a guy of his grandmother.”

 

Merry Kissmas- Ion, 2015

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Fun fact: This is a linked movie with the aforementioned Christmas Kiss II. Basically Ion makes a version of the same movie every year, because every kiss begins with Kay, obviously.

Plot: I was keeping my fingers crossed for a Jenna and Cooper cameo in this one but it never happened. Instead it was the most boring and confusing movie ever. Kayla is engaged to a white Carlton who is kind of famous in that he directs the Nutcracker or something. Then she macks it up with the caterer for her engagement party in the magic mistletoe elevator and just casually doesn’t tell him she’s engaged. Then the engagement ends? Maybe? I’m not really sure because Carlton remains relevant for the rest of the movie and I hated it a lot. So basically Kayla is dating Dustin the caterer but still lives with Carlton and acts like his fiancé. It’s really weird. For such a banger of a holiday movie name this one really sucked.

WORST: Kayla throws out a lot of closed mouth smiles. There’s an irrelevant store owner with a shit accent at the beginning of the movie who randomly chases Kayla for like 5 miles. Kayla SOOKS at breaking up with people—the best is when she storms off to give Carlton a piece of her mind and ends up telling him he’s amazing a bunch of times.

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12 Gifts of Christmas- Hallmark, 2015

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Plot: Anna is a personal shopper for Marc who works 24/7 and never kicks it with his family. He doesn’t even know what to get them for Christmas so he hired someone to figure it out for him. Hey Marc, a bottle of liquor or a nice picture frame will do. Be smarter. Obviously Anna brings out the Christmas spirit in Marc, getting him to work less and spend more time with his family.

WORST: Christmas music shopping montage with trying on goofy hats. Too many kid interactions for my liking, lots of nieces and nephews in the mix. On their first date Anna asks, “Do I look OK?” And he responds, “I’m not sure. You’re missing this…” and gives her a gold necklace with an art easel because she likes painting. UGH SO TACKY.

A Christmas Detour- Hallmark, 2015

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Plot: Paige is a twat wedding magazine writer planning a suuuuuper bougie wedding to her perfect fiancé. She’s on her way to their first Christmas with the in-laws when her flight is detoured in Buffalo and she’s stuck driving to NYC in a snowstorm with Dylan, the hottie who sat next to her on the plane. Overall I’d say this movie blows because Paige is insufferable. She carries her wedding vision board every time she changes rooms, wah wahs to strangers about her wedding and has a diary with a checklist for her perfect guy. Apparently her fiancé doesn’t make her laugh but this guy Dylan does so like it’s true loooooove.

WORST: There’s a sideline story about a married couple that was trying way too hard to upstage the main characters. Oh, boohoo you’ve been married 20 years and you’ve lost the spark. Maybz try spending time alone with each other instead of acting like you’re BFF’s with a bunch of airport strangers. Just a thought. christmasdetourextracouple

Christmas Belle- Ion, 2013

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I feel like it’s my civic duty to make sure that no one ever watches this abomination that is somehow called a movie.

Plot: A ratchet Christmas rip-off of Beauty and the Beast. Belle is hired to come manage an estate sale for this rich guy Hunter’s dad. Hunter is a real jackass and basically just yells at her all the time, mostly for being in the greenroom, where she absolutely SHOULD NOT BE rearranging his plants. She somehow falls in love with this ogre who is not a beast at all—in fact he regularly shows off his pecs…probably why she’s willing to overlook his butthole personality.

WORST: A soundtrack of creepy music plays throughout this entire movie. Whether the characters are speaking or not, there is irrelevant and quite distracting background music. It makes me want to throw things at the TV.

The Christmas Parade- Hallmark, 2014

Plot: Hailee is a news reporter sentenced to 25 hours of community service in Carver Bend (“Where Christmas Comes Home”…no really that’s what the town sign says) for driving into a judge’s fence. She’s a bitch who hates Christmas but once she starts working with cutie teacher Beck and the town’s Arts center to build a float for the Christmas parade, suddenly she’s bursting with festive joy. Oh she’s also got a fiancé whose trying to sabotage the Arts center, or whatever. But love at Christmas ALWAYS WINS. There’s just too much of everything in this movie, mostly AnnaLynne McCord who I remembered I hate.

WORST: Actual conversation: Beck- “God bless broken roads, right?!” Hailee- “They lead to the best destinations.” Okay, Rascal Flatts. Do less. Beck also gives Hailee a painting of herself that’s preettttyyyyy creepy and triggers pre-crime red flags for me.

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Merry Christmas, everyone–I hope this painting haunts your dreams!

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Television

Fuller House: The Supporting Characters Comeback

The internet is abuzz with nostalgia this week ever since John Stamos confirmed the spinoff of Full House. Everyone wants to know who is in, who is out, and if Gibbler still has a debilitating foot odor. As of right now it’s confirmed that the plot will follow DJ, a single mother raising her children with a little help from Gibbler and Steph. (Sound famils?) Guest appearances by Danny, Uncle J, Becky & Joey are pretty much guaranteed, but instead of playing the will Michelle return as a gothy fashionista game, I decided to delve into our favorite supporting characters, guessing where they might be now and why they should DEFINITELY be included in Fuller House.

1. Steve

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As Deej’s first serious boyfriend who made a comeback as her (college?) prom date in the last episode, Steve was the perfect guy. He may have had a growing appetite, but realistically his only flaw was disappearing from our lives thus allowing DJ to date guys like Viper and Nelson. Woof. Is it naïve to say that Steve spent all these years pining after DJ? Probably but I’m gonna guess that’s where he is now. He did the college athlete thing, probably tried to go pro and realized he wasn’t gonna cut it so he’s been living the bachelor life while Deej was settling down and having kids. She was always a bit more serious than him. Now that she’s apparently widowed, this seems like the perfect time for Steve to step back into her life, help out with the grocery shopping, eat all the groceries, then prove to Deej why he’s the one.

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2. Kathy Santoni

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Remember that BITCH Kathy Santoni who got her rack at age 12 and started wearing makeup too soon, spread rumors about DJ and Gibbler then got knocked up and married by senior year of high school? The often talked about and rarely seen Kathy was a piece of the DJ-Gibbler friendship that brought them closer togets. Cause nothing brings friends closer than a mutual hate. Well karma’s a real bitch for Kathy because she’s divorced with three kids, hitting the wine every night and surfing tinder. She becomes a little too bitter when DJ and Gibbler move into her neighborhood and see just how miserable she’s become so she tries to turn the neighborhood against them and have Kimmy evicted for having loud sex with…

3. Duane

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Ah Duane, the man of one word…but give him a sonnet and suddenly he transforms into William Shakespeare. We all know that Duane was a real dud, but Gibbler is no walk in the park and I think they meshed together quite nicely. Opposites attract, right? Duane and Gibbler almost got married in Vegas until Gibbler realized she didn’t want to end up like Kathy Santoni, ZING. Duane didn’t end up going into the plumbing biz with his dad, became Kimmy’s main squeeze again and teaches poetry at the University of San Fran, Professor Hamlet and Cheese style. He still wears a backwards hat real well.

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4. Gia

giacig JODIE SWEETIN;MARLA SOKOLOFF;MARY-KATE/ASHLEY OLSEN

Gia started out as a real chain-smoking, class-cutting badass betch. Then Stephanie befriended her and taught her how to be nice while still maintaining an edgy aura. Gia was the BFF that every girl needs—she hosts the makeout parties at her mom’s apt, makes Steph lie about her age to meet cute guys at the mall and wears a crop top like nobody’s biz. The good news is that every girl needs a ride or die and Gia is still Steph’s. While Steph is helping DJ raise her kids, Gia is guitarist and singer in the band Girl Talk and she’s a famous AF rockstar. You might remember Girl Talk as the disaster band with her, Gibbler, and Steph in the past but Gia’s super mature now and she got disciplined, learned to play more than Ace of Base and rebooted the band. Gia’s basically the T. Swift of San Fran now and every once in a while brings Steph out on the scene so they can act young and reckless.

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5. Tommy Page

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Speaking of musicians, Tommy Page is still trying to hack it as dreamboat singer but he’s pushing it, age-wise. It’s no longer approps for him to show up at a 13 year old’s birthday party and serenade her with “You’re what dreams are made of, you’re the girl I love.” Seriously, that didn’t raise any red flags? Even though Tommy is old now, he can still get it so him and Gia hook up occasionally but it’s super casj. Tommy kicks it with the gang sometimes but will never let DJ forget about the time that he saw baby pictures of her naked and almost puked. Steph and Deej almost puke when they think about how they fought over T.Page.

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6. Walter

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Walter may have been ridiculed for his duck face in school but he obviously overcame the teasing to become an accountant. He does Stephanie’s taxes every year and uses this time to try and win her back to become Mrs. Duckface. She responds by throwing quackers at him. Just kidding. Sort of. He got really hot though. Just kidding again.

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7. Rusty

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RUSTY, THE RUST-MAN, RUSTYVISION, the CLASSIC prankster. Writing anonymous love letters, putting green dye in the shampoo bottle, tying the tablecloth to someone’s belt, loosening the salt shaker, the ole colored trick gum and kaleidoscope ink ring…WHAT a little asshole this kid was. You know what asshole kids grow up to be? Asshole adults. Rusty was the president of his frat in college and spent five years drawing dicks on pledge’s faces when they passed out after too many Natty Ice’s. Rusty is now the bartender at the Smash Club where the girls still go to cut loose and get away from their kids. Sometimes Steph and Rusty BOMO (blackout makeout.)

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8. Derek

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Should Michelle ever return to the show—and I really need her to… she’ll bring Derek back with her. Derek was part of Michelle’s inner crew when she got a little older and a lot less adorable cause she couldn’t get away with saying things like AW, NUTS or YOU GOT IT, DUDE. Anyway, Derek was known for ripping the role of Yankee Doodle from Michelle (kid was born to be a star) but they moved past it and it’s a good thing, too cause now Derek is Michelle’s gay BFF. He’s cool, he’s fashionable and he’s on Broadway. He’ll tell it like it is and I think that’s just what Michelle needs right now if they don’t do a quick makeover to the Olsen twins pre-comeback. Plus he’s got a killer six pack. Eye candy whaddupp.

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9. Stavros

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Jesse’s greek cousin who came to visit, tried to pork Becky and steal everyone’s money for a fake landslide ended up banished from America. BUT recently he convinced the Tanners that he had turned his life around in Greece and they should come visit. They all go visit for a family vacation every year and stay in Stavros’s greek villa because he’s a famous fashion designer now. He designs suspenders and is married to a Becky lookalike. Don’t eva change, Stavros.

10. Aaron

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Last but not least, Aaron the meanest bully ever. Most well known for his sexism and sneering everything he says, Aaron was kind of a turd. However, you know what they say, if the boy is picking on you it’s probably because he likes you. Well, Aaron has been in love with Michelle ever since she let Dave the bird free in pre-school and he narc’ed on her to the teacher. They’ve been dating on and off since college and every time he pinches her she pinches him right back. #Feminism. Realistically Aaron’s probably a terrible boyfriend but I just want to see how a kid who yells shit like: “This fridge is a joke! No Ding-Dongs, no Ho-Ho’s, no Nutty Buddy’s… it’s bone-dry!” turns out.

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I’m obviously missing some greats–who would you like to see in Fuller House? Also should John Stamos or any of the EP’s see this post, I can start working on the show ASAP, you just let me know when you want to fly me out.

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Television

Best of the Worst Hallmark Holiday Movies

When I think of the Christmas season, one of the first things that comes to mind is sitting on the couch for a full Saturday or Sunday (whichever day my hangover is worse) and watching back to back original holiday movies. Whether it be on the Hallmark channel, Lifetime, ABC Family, or UP (the God Network), it is through the magic of Christmas and underpaid actors that I’m able to crush cheesy rom-coms back to back. It was not to my surprise that when I brought up this guilty pleasure with friends, most* of them admitted they love* these movies too. (*Most meaning my sister and my mom, *love meaning love to hate.) Since I’ve consumed far too many to reveal to the masses, I’ll give you a list of the ones to watch and the ones to skip this holiday season.

Disclaimer: There are two general things that I immediately look for before I get invested in watching a holiday movie and sitting through endless commercials. 1. The movie needs to have two attractive people that will eventually fall in love. If one or more of the soon to be couple is uggo, ditch the movie because there is no reason to root for them. 2. This has been proven wrong in one case, which I will detail below, but if there is any sort of child story line it will blow and you will be forced to watch the kid cockblock all romance in the movie for a full 2 hours until there is one kiss at the end, and the person that doesn’t have a kid (usually the guy) has to impress the kid and then probably adopt it. It’s not worth the fuss…if there are kids in the descrip, move on to the next.

 

WATCH:

Snow Bride (2013)

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Although this movie has no one famous in it, it was good enough for me to DVR and then force my parents to leave it on the DVR until I moved and they deleted it without a care in the world.

Plot- Greta, a reporter for a gossip magazine (do you see why I was hooked from the start?) has to get the juice on classy, famous family the Tannenhills that are always in the tabs, when she finds a way to pose as one of the son’s girlfriends, she spends Christmas with the fam and has to choose between exposing all their secrets to stomp her way to the top of her career or can you guess it…follow her heart.

Bonus Points-A good ole fashioned thirsty gold digger dates both Tannenhill brothers and tries to weasel her way into the family and it makes for some quality side story.

Rating- 5 candy canes cccccccccc

 

A Bride For Christmas (2012) Arielle Kebbel, Andrew W. Walker

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Plot-Within 10 minutes we already know this one is a keeper because it starts with men making a bet over a girl like EVERY 90’s movie and buckle up because this obviously will not blow up in their face at any point during the next 2 hours. Aiden (such a typical hot guy name) is our cocky frat bro character, who happens to look like an Abercrombie model and makes a bet with his equally as dimwitted coworkers/poker buddies that he can get engaged by Christmas. If he fails, he has to work in a cubicle (THE HORROR), also his dum dum buddies get to pick the girl. His bro, Matt hits on Jessie at an art show, she turns him down and clearly has baggage, so Matt presents her as the prize to propose to and obviously Aiden says yes please. Aiden approaches Jessie and dribbles out “You would be the envy of every girl in this room if you wore kicks with that dress.” Aaand it was love at first pickup line. Jessie happens to love burgers, horror flicks and dogs…cause she’s the cool chick, duh. What happens next? Guess you’ll have to watch and find out (if you have a brain you absolutely know what happens next)

Best Quote- “There’s a lot of people you can live with, there’s only one you can’t live without.”-Dad…what a guy, a modern poet if you will.

Bonus Points- Abercrombie interacting with puppies, literally the only two things women love most.

Rating: 4 candy canes cccccccc

 

Christmas with Holly (2012) Sean Faris

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Before getting too invested in this one I referred to my sister who has seen more made for TV movies than me and her advice for me was very distinct:”Neg. Sean Faris has long hair.” This was very sound advice, because Sean Faris was real woof looking in this movie…but it was slim pickins’, so I got sucked in. The good news is that it ended up making the watch list.

Plot- The reason why this movie is the exception to the kids rule is that the little girl in this movie, Holly  doesn’t talk. She had just lost her mom and her Uncle Mark was given custody of her but she was so distressed from losing her mom that she didn’t speak for most of the movie. And boy was it peaceful. She didn’t butt in or try to steal the attention, she was a quiet part of the storyline and it was really the best case scenario here. Mark moves Holly back to his hometown and they move in with her two other uncles for some family bonding and obviously love interest times with the newbie, Maggie, who opened a toy store in town. All kids should play the quiet game during the holidays…

Bonus Points- Maggie Irish step dances as a way of flirting and step dances right off the curb. This is absolutely something I would do except it would be 1000x less graceful.

Rating: 2 candy canes cccc

 

A Royal Christmas (2014) Lacey Chabert, Jane Seymour

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Literally didn’t even see this whole movie and already knew by half of it that it was a keeper. First of all it has Hallmark/Lifetime vet Lacey Chabert, and they never put an ugly guy with her. Sure it was the poor man’s version of the Prince and Me but did it stop me from eating that shit up? No, no it didn’t.

Plot- Emily is dating Leo in Philly and then suddenly she finds out he is a prince, because naturally when you’re dating someone this information just doesn’t come up in conversation. They go back to his castle and obv the Queen hates Emily because she’s a trashy seamstress from Philly and not a royal. So the Queen sets out to get her the F out of her country and Emily just wants to teach the maids how to make a good ole fashioned hoagie. Power struggle.

Bonus Points- There’s obviously a scene where the Queen makes Emily wear a hideous dress to the fancy ball and she turns it into a slutty tight dress that she looks like a knockout in, modern day Cinderella.

Rating: 3 candy canes cccccc

 

Let It Snow (2013) Candace Cameron Bure, Alan Thicke

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By this cast of characters you see that they’ve got some real Hallmark gems leading the movie here. DJ from Full House debuts a new Christmas movie every year and this one was a banger. The guy is super hot and it allows me to look past how queer Candace is throughout this whole movie.

Plot- Stephanie works for her dad as chief of marketing for all the resorts that he manages. He sends her to a property they’re planning on updating/destroying and it happens to be a family-owned lodge in the woods that has a lot of character and goes all out for Christmas each year. Stephanie hates the cold and hates Christmas because she’s a bitter bitch whose dad worked instead of kicking it with her during holidays and then suddenly the family who owns the lodge warms her icy heart and makes her see the magic of Christmas and their hot son Brady gets all up in that and they decide they love snow and Christmas after all. Will Steph-dawg be able to save this magical lodge from her money grubber asshole dad?

Bonus Points- Once Steph realizes she loves Christmas she writes a letter to Santa and wakes up Christmas morning with candy in her sensible flats and does an extremely embarrassing dance around her room and shouts like a 12 year old, it’s pretty cringeworthy and also awesome. Also she puts her flats on with her pjs and socks. No, girl.

Rating: 3 candy canes cccccc

 

Holiday High School Reunion (2012) Lifetime-Jonathan Bennett, Harry Hamlin

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Plot- This movie has Aaron Samuels in it, what more do you need to know? Ok, fine, Georgia and Ben were besties in high school and it’s clear that Georgia has friend zoned Ben for an excruciating amount of years because she was always trying to be in the cool crowd and bang the football players. Their high school reunion around Christmas time is when it all goes down. Georgia finds out that half of her besties from high school are actually huge betches and they hate her, and her football boyf has penetrated everyone in the school and she’s quirky and doesn’t fit in with them/her career is a hot mess (whose isn’t amirite?) and at this point Ben has had blue balls for 10 years.

Bonus Points- Georgia takes over the dance team’s holiday performance at the reunion and makes a mockery of it like a real goober. I love a good quality dance scene.

Rating: 3 candy canes cccccc

 

Matchmaker Santa (2012) Lacey Chabert, Florence Henderson, John Ratzenberger

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What did I tell you about Lacey? Gold. Every time.

Plot- Melanie wished for prince charming when she was a kid (the outcome of this movie gives me hope, guys) and as an adult she owns a bakery and is dating a hottie biz man who invites her home for the holidays to meet his mom. Plans go awry and Melanie gets stranded in a random town with her boyfriend’s assistant/friend Dean and it seems that the mechanic fixing their car is an elf or somehow connected to Santa. Elf and Santa obviously start pulling some strings, as they’re known to do, and try to get Dean and Melanie to bone because they’re perfect for each other…and everyone knows don’t F with Santa’s wishes.

Bonus Points- Always the feel good network, they never want one person in a movie to be dumped without cause, so they find a match for whoever’s left out in the cold. So kosher and lame sauce, but leads to a nice awkward end scene where the new couples hang and ignore the fact that they’ve traded partners without a care in the world.

Rating: 3 candy canes cccccc

 

12 Men of Christmas (2009) Lifetime-Kristin Chenoweth, Josh Hopkins

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This movie is so great that my sister has it on DVD. True story, really committed to this one.

Plot- A NYC publicist, EJ catches her fiance banging her boss at the Christmas party and therefore quits and is single during the holidays…sob…then she takes a job in Montana just for shits promoting a charity and decides to take a risque turn and publicize the charity via a nearly nude calendar of the male volunteers in town. She’s photographing a bunch of men modeling shirtless, so which one does she snag? The hot one…duh.

Bonus Points- I’m gonna go with all the shirtless attractive men.

Rating: 5 candy canes cccccccccc

 

 

 

 

SKIP:

Christmas on the Bayou (2013) Lifetime-Hilarie Burton, Tyler Hilton

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All my OTH superfans will understand exactly why I subjected myself to this movie even though the plot looked real stupid…also there was a kid, which I realized AFTER I had already committed to watching. I think we all know where this is going…

Plot- Katherine is a single mom who works way too much in NYC and her son, Zack is a weirdo who gets bullied and usually has his face in a gameboy (or whatever today’s equivalent is). They take a trip back to Katherine’s hometown to stay with her mom and celebrate Christmas and in very “Sweet Home Alabama” style but without good writing or actors, Katherine remembers what she loved about the south and reconnects with childhood crush Caleb. Zack makes a little girl friend next door and then also casually becomes bros with Santa Claus (Papa Noel) himself. Everything is swell on the bayou…except for the gators.

Weird Deets-  They make up their completely own Christmas traditions in the south apparently, Santa is called Papa Noel and gets pulled along the bayou by gators instead of reindeer, cause there’s no snow, or like everyone there is a hick or something.

Rating: 1 candy cane cc

 

Holidaze (2013) ABC Family-Jennie Garth, Cameron Mathison

JENNIE GARTH, CAMERON MATHISON

I love my girl Jennie Garth but this movie was an abomination. Even Cameron, champion of Christmas love interests couldn’t save this train wreck.

Plot- Melody is a bitchy workaholic and goes home for the holidays, falls down a flight of stairs and wakes up in an alternate reality, as most of us do, where she married childhood sweetheart, Carter. Melody is a real twat and should probably be thankful that she’s tricked Carter into marrying her, alternate universe or not, but it’s pretty insufferable. Obviously in the spirit of the holidays she stops being the worst but there’s really no turning back with this mash-up of bad acting and turning down a perfectly good six pack for a job.

Rating: 1/2 candy cane cc (can’t do half…I made it smaller. So there.)

 

In My Dreams (2014) Katharine McPhee, Mike Vogel

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This might not count because it technically premiered after the holidays last year but they made a huge deal about it and it was featured on a major network. My mom and I were supes excited to watch it. I’m gonna go ahead and guess that they will never play this movie again because it was embarrassingly bad. In the event that they do, here is your warning to never watch it unless you’re inclined to turn it into a drinking game (drink every time they sleep.)

Plot- Natalie and Nick have shitty love lives so they throw a coin in a fountain to wish for someone and they don’t know it but OBVIOUSLY the fountain is magical and matches people up. However, the catch is that they only meet and see each other in their dreams and they have a certain amount of time to meet in real life or else they’re cursed forever. Suuuuper realistic obviously…will they meet in time or only have a sleep relationship? Spoiler alert they’ll obviously end up together, IRL.

Weird Deets- What made this movie absolutely wooftastic is that these two goons would put off real life plans to sleep, because they were dating each other in THEIR DREAMS. Like they would go to bed at 7pm and Natalie would put on her nicest nightgown and do her hair and makeup for her dream sequence of a date. I can get down with a LOT of stupid story lines as you can see from this list, but this was preposterous. I won’t stand for it, ABC.

Rating: 0 candy canes, no redeeming qualities.

 

Finding Christmas (2013) J.T. Hodges (country singer)

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Plot- The ole’ I’m bored with my city so I’m going to go online and find someone who is willing to do a city/home swap with me for a change of scenery that always ends in a relationship. Sean is a big-wig advertising guy in NYC trades places with Owen, a small town handyman/musician and obviously it goes exactly how you would expect it to. My problem with this movie is that they forcefully incorporated singing and also one of the guys we’re supposed to believe is falling in love with a girl has me completely convinced that he’s actually gay. Tough sell on this one.

Weird Deets- There’s a kid. Yuck. And terrible christmas songs coming from a professional country singer.

Rating: 1/2 candy cane cc

 

Holly’s Holiday (2012) Lifetime-Literally No One Famous

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Plot- A NYC ad exec, Holly, passes by an elaborate window display every day with the “perfect man” in it and essentially has a crush on an inanimate object and wishes it were real. Well don’t ya know she slips on ice in front of the store window and he comes to life and they start dating, because that’s how we find true love, ladies. Once she’s dating her perfect man she realizes that he’s creepy and too much at once so catch 22 maybe Holly should date real humans.

Weird Deets- Everything about this movie is weird, she’s dating a G-D mannequin.

Rating: ½ candy cane cc

 

The Real St. Nick (2012) Lifetime Torey DeVitto (Nanny Carrie from OTH)

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Nanny Carrie and a hot guy? Sign me up. Just kidding this movie blows.

Plot- Hot guy Nick saves Kate, a psychiatrist from an accident but Nick hits his head and thinks he’s Santa Claus. YOU’RE TOO HOT AND YOUNG TO BE SANTA CLAUS. Also there’s kids…lots of them, because Santa/Nick is committed to a hospital where they can evaluate his brain.

Weird Deets- This was a real review on IMDB: “This is not a movie you would like to see or admit you watched. The story was lame and the acting was worse.” BRAVO.

Rating: 1 candy cane (hey the guy was real cute) cc

 

 

I can only hope that this guide will be like the north star, guiding your sleigh through all cheesy holiday movie endeavors. Feel free to comment below if I’ve missed any major flicks.

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