Movies, Pop Culture, Television

Doc O’Clock

I’ve noticed that I’ve been really watching a buttload of documentaries in “quarantine”—I put it in quotes because I’m pretty sure the rest of the world is no longer quarantined but fun fact: when you’re unemployed, quarantine never ends. I’ve always loved a good true crime doc so I can pretend that my several years of watching cop shows and one semester of a Forensics class have qualified me to solve crimes. Typically immediately after I watch a true crime doc, I speak to everyone I know and even some people that I don’t about the details of this horrific crime sometimes even becoming a truther attempting to exonerate murderers who have been sentenced and are currently sitting in jail like I’m Kim Kardashian or something. (See: Stephen Avery & Scott Peterson) HOWEVER, I found myself really reaching beyond the typical true crime doc these past few months and expanding my doc horizons. And all of this consumption has compelled me to yap my face off about the things that I’ve found and now believe I’m an expert on. If you would like doc recommendations, or just want to feel exponentially smarter from watching hours and hours of TV like I do, feel free to browse the below list of documentaries that I’ve consumed over the past 6 months. And if I might add an overall comment, incorporating actual text messages into many of these docs has really added a whole new layer of invasiveness and enhances my incredibly nosy viewing experience tenfold. BRAVA.

I’ll Be Gone in the Dark – HBO

I was overly-hyped for this. I had heard through Twitterland that this doc focused on Michelle McNamara, a crime writer married to comedian Patton Oswalt, who invested her time focusing on the Golden State Killer and cracked the case on her own. I love Hollywood and I love murders so this seemed like a real match made in heaven. Unfortunately, that was quite a Twitter exaggeration. Michelle was writing a book entitled “I’ll Be Gone in the Dark” about the Golden State Killer and was getting access to the case documents and immersing herself in all of the evidence and details of his murders in the 80’s but there were a lot of other people doing the same thing she was doing as well. Most of the victims, people from the town, law enforcement and others had formed groups and were determined to solve this open case. Tragically, Michelle died before finishing the book or seeing the arrest of the Golden State Killer. The doc is through the lens of Michelle’s work and includes a lot of victim personal accounts. Due to the fact that they did not find the killer until recently and the crimes took place 30+ years ago, there wasn’t a lot to offer by way of video evidence or footage so there was a lot of reenactment, which I have a hard time taking seriously. What I did take seriously was the one recorded phone call they had of the GSK saying “I’ll kill you bitch” which they chose to play 900000 times and I chose to crap my pants each time it was played. As someone who was not familiar with the Golden State Killer, I found the details about his crimes very interesting, especially because he was so prolific for many years, breaking into people’s homes at night, raping and killing. So basically every fear of mine come to life whenever I’m home alone. Even though I found it interesting, I did start to get a little bored after the third episode and therefore this wasn’t an overwhelming home run for me in the doc department. Adding in Michelle’s tragic story created another interesting layer, but I feel like it could’ve been wrapped up a little neater. Also by interesting I mean kind of horrifying because she was terrified and had stopped sleeping because of how much she had immersed herself in this case. And she didn’t even get to see this scumbucket finally get caught. And not for nothing, but how OUTRAGEOUS is it when serial killers have a family and everyone’s like yeah we had no clue dad/my husband/Uncle Joe was raping and murdering 5 nights a week. WUT?!

The Vow – HBO

I cannot stress enough how obsessed I am with this story and documentary. For those looking for a quick and dirty doc, this is not it as it’s episodic and each episode is an hour long. They release a new one each week, so if you’d rather binge I suggest waiting until they’re all up—right now there are 7 episodes out there. This series follows the cult NXIVM, which holds a special place in many of our hearts as it was a hometown cult. Started by Keith Raniere in Clifton Park, NY, anyone from the Cap Region might have heard about this through the years or might even know someone who was involved. As a Saratoga Resident for 10ish years, I gleefully outbursted when Keith described Clifton Park as the “Rome of the modern day” and texted my old co-workers when our radio station banners were hung in the gym where Vanguard invites everyone to watch him play volleyball every night. I even got excited when I saw the Dalai Lama visit The Palace Theatre. So I would say it’s especially a must-watch for people who live in that area because they have TONS of video footage from the former cult members who are the main focus of this doc, plus it’s not often that HBO shines a spotlight on dear old CP also referred to as Albany almost exclusively throughout the series even though they are completely different cities. But anyway, let’s get to the real meat here which is that NXIVM started as self-help classes and preyed on people who were kind of lost in their career or life path and told them to sign up for a couple thousand dollar course and start working the stripe path to get different colored sashes and eventually have the opportunity to bone Keith Raniere, one of the schlubbiest looking men alive. Let me be clear, this is not coming from a judgmental place. Well, the sex with Keith part is. But falling for this cult thing is not and mostly because I know for a fact I would’ve fallen for this. I, too, am a wayward soul looking for happiness. And if someone approached me and was like I know how to guarantee you’ll be happy again, I’d be like yeah bitch let’s do this. Unfortunately once I attended my first volleyball game where Keith is wearing a sweatband in his long grey hair and being treated like a sex symbol, mouth kissing everyone’s faces off I’d be swiftly out. But that’s just me. The details of this cult are not only baffling, but the fact that it went on for 20+ years before law enforcement was involved is nuts beyond belief. Since I’ve already babbled on too long and I could probably talk forever about my fascination with NXIVM, I’ll just say watch it and get back to me. I mean, literally I brought this shit up in therapy and my therapist had to tell me 3-4 times that she’s not an expert on this cult before I finally gave it up. SO JUST WATCH IT, OK?!

The Social Dilemma – Netflix

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This doc interviews executives in some of the largest internet and social media companies and brings to light just HOW MUCH the internet was created to stalk our lives. It’s an eye opening experience for all generations because as much as adults want to say they’re too old for social media, look no further than Facebook to see the olds POPPIN OFF on the daily. So it really applies to all ages here. There are astonishing facts about how the rate of suicide and mental health issues in middle school age children skyrocketed after the invention of social media. There’s explanations as to how people who wrote the actual algorithms to keep you hooked online fall for the same pitfalls we do even though they created it. So basically this is the doc for anyone whose ever had a conversation about getting a new vacuum cleaner and then the next time they open Facebook or Google, there’s ads for vacuum cleaners. It’s crazy and invasive and yet I will never ever ever give up social media and you can’t MAKE ME. But seriously, lots of interesting stuff and then a little bit of “the internet is going to ruin the world” vibes as well. Take that with a grain of salt. It seems like the world is crashing and burning all on its own with minimal interference from the internet but whatevs. 

This is Paris – YouTube

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Yes that’s right I’ll even stoop to Youtube if it means getting to pull the curtain back on an infamous celeb. Although I really wanted this to be about Paris’ lavish upbringing and how she came to basically create reality TV and the “famous for nothing” crew (lookin at you, Kimmy K)…what it was really about was much darker than that. When Paris was in her teen years she was sent to a bunch of different behavioral correction schools, escaping them all and finally ending up in one out in Utah where she and the other “students” were mentally, physically & sexually abused. And Paris never even told her parents this until recently, just burying the trauma until she decided to seek justice and reunite with old classmates through this doc. Overall I’d say it was interesting to see a lot of public things that Paris did through the new perspective knowing that she was abused for several years when she was forming her identity. She admits that most of her relationships have been abusive, even showing paparazzi photos where she has bruises all over her body. Obviously she touches on the sex tape and how she was coerced into it by her first real boyfriend who she was trying to impress. And probably the most interesting tidbit of them all, Paris is Keyser Soze. She’s secretly brilliant and has been putting on this dum dum “That’s Hot” act ever since the early 2000’s. In her child slavery schools she was forced to clean so acting like she didn’t know what a sponge was in “The Simple Life” was pure acting talent. Her normal voice octave isn’t breathy and moronic. Bitch has been playing the media for decades and has made billions off of it. Watching this unfold throughout the documentary leading up to the point when one of her former fellow students pointed out that she was a physics brainiac in school was the moment when Keyser Soze loses the limp at the end of the movie (spoiler alert). Glass shattered. Paris is smarter than us all. Also, hands down best scene of the whole thing is when Paris is DJ’ing Tomorrowland, the biggest festival she’s ever played, and her drunk insecure boyf picks a fight with her minutes before she’s supposed to go on and she loses it on him and gets him bounced from the entire festival. If you don’t immediately want to start cheering for her in that moment, you’re not human. The director said she wanted it cut out and I’m glad it didn’t get cut because that was PURE entertainment and suuuuch a SAVAGE Paris moment. 

American Murder – Netflix

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Nobody loves a deep dive into a murder more than me, but this one just hit different. I felt very icky after watching it and it took me several moments to craft a tweet to sum up why. What it really came down to for me was the fact that not only was this a very recent murder so I was involved in the story from when it broke and not just learning about it through this doc, but it was a murder of 2 children and a pregnant wife. I feel like I can’t remember any other murder that I’ve read/heard about that includes children. And not only that, but this documentary included LOTS of footage of the children and the wife. It turns out Shanann (a name I will NEVER be able to pronounce, it’s Shannon or bust) fancied herself somewhat of an internet influencer. They had an overwhelming amount of videos from her Facebook page just updating her “followers” on her kids and her husband and things she was going through, some of them were very personal about her health or serving as inspirational messages for people who might be watching. She seemed to be the type of person who filmed and/or took pictures of everything. Which is EXACTLY the type of person I would roll my eyes at and block on Facebook, but now, seeing it on a documentary about her untimely death, it just seemed sad and eerie. There were many videos of the kids and their dad, showing them playing together or just being a normal family. Her pregnancy announcement was filmed. And I think it was just especially jarring in the age of social media to have all of this now included in true crime docs. I’m so used to reenactments and old-ass interrogation tapes. This is very much a modern doc, right down to using the police chest cam footage from the days after Shanann and the kids go missing. And don’t get me wrong, I HATE docs that are just talking heads and no action, so I really loved the fact that they incorporated all of this video footage and even personal texts that she had sent leading up to the murder. And yet it’s a catch-22 because Chris Watts is the SCUM of the earth and it just painted a clearer picture of the fact that Shanann and her children were murdered in the most disgusting way, FOR ABSOLUTELY no reason. So now that I’ve ranted about it giving me the uncomfies, let’s talk about the rest. The BIGGEST takeaway that I had from this doc, was the blonde polygraph chick who was RUTHLESS and I LOVED it…for about 5 mins and then immediately after she was done being a sassy B she suggested to Chris that maybe Shanann killed the kids and that’s the story he went with for several months, blaming the murder of his children on his innocent wife until he finally set the story straight. It was a quick high to low situation, I loved the fact that she was calling him out for being a MORON to take a polygraph when he’s clearly lying, but then she enabled him by giving him a story that there’s NO CHANCE he would’ve come up with on his own, and then rubbed his back for “confessing.” I mean this is the guy who pulled his truck into the garage to put his wife’s body in it KNOWING his neighbor camera-stalks the street. That neighbor deserves a badge of honor btw for knowing Chris was a murderer IMMEDIATELY. Regardless, we’re dealing with a real dummy here and this “interrogation” had some Brad Dassey vibes to it and I’m surprised Chris Watts didn’t ask if he’d be out of jail in time for Wrestlemania after confessing to the murder.

Class Action Park – HBO

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I’ve heard about Action Park for years and knew that Johnny Knoxville was in a movie about it yet felt like that was more a boy movie than something I’d be super interested in. Then people started buzzing (specifically my favorite cousin who constantly tells me I’m funny so obviously I trust her opinion the most) about this new doc and you KNOW I have FOMO, so I decided to watch. And yes, Action Park was NUTZ. Just the cannonball loop alone was a covered slide with a loop in it. It looked like someone drew it and then just slapped some materials together to make it, as if the park was a hamster cage and not meant for human beings. The “mastermind” behind Action Park, Gene Mulvihill would give employees cash for testing out the rides. At one point they noticed people coming out with scratches and when they opened the slide up to see what was going on, previous riders TEETH were stuck in the padding and injuring other kids. WOOF TIMES A BILLION. And this was pretty much the case for each ride they described. They had Tarzan rope swings, cliff dives, slides that dropped 50 feet, and motorboats that you could booze up and ride. Basically this place was a walking lawsuit and everyone who went got injured and even a couple died. My personal favorite, the wave pool known as the “grave pool” where they used fresh water and noted that the human sludge and constant waves made it hard to spot if someone was drowning. When a person died in the wave pool, they cleared out the body and let everyone back in to keep body surfing/potentially also dying. These are all the fun facts I learned by watching this doc, but it was also one of those movies that never ended. I checked my phone several times because it felt like it was hours long and I definitely started to nod off. It was like they wanted to show how badass this place was but then felt the moral obligation to include heartfelt remarks from a family whose teenager died there. It was a real moral crossroads for me because at one point I’m laughing hysterically about how Action Park is SO Jersey it hurts and shouting CLASSIC to someone who drove a motorboat up onto a dock over another human being and walked away… and then a second later I feel like a dirtbag for laughing because this family who lost their child is traumatized and thinks Gene is a total money-grubbing heartless dirtbag.  Real waterslide of emotions, pun intended.

Jeffrey Epstein: Filthy Rich – Netflix

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Again, I may be one of the last people to know what the deal is with Jeffrey Epstein but this doc was a great peek into that world. Sometimes I find that watching a well-made flick about a hot topic that is most definitely a little bit political, is better than learning about it from your Great Uncle on Facebook. This was 4 hour-long episodes and honestly the same message could’ve been delivered in 2 episodes or a feature film. This is one of my favorite things to critique about docs as most of them are THE MOST drawn out for no reason. Unless you have LOADS of compelling footage to show, most of the time you’re interviewing the same people and showing the same 4 photos or clips and that gets old REAL quick. I will also add that this was heavily for the victims and therefore they were really trying to tug at your heartstrings with their personal accounts and the justice they were seeking. Jeffrey Epstein was a very wealthy and well-connected pedo and he used his privilege to get away with it for several years even when the evidence was stacked against him. And his right-hand gal Ghislaine (pronounced in the DOUCHIEST french accent “ghee-lane” or if you’re my dad and have the maturity of a 14 year old, “Jizz-lane.”) who was FINALLY tracked down and arrested recently essentially groomed girls to be raped by Jeffrey and also deserves to rot in prison. If you’re anything like me, you’ll watch this and then immediately dive into the wormhole of conspiracy theories right down to Wayfair trafficking children disguised as expensive cabinets. If this doc taught me anything, it’s that without a doubt there’s a pedo ring in politics and Hollywood and I can’t wait for the day that shit’s blown wide open and these pervs are outed. Also, it taught me that Prince Andrew has a physical condition that prevents him from sweating. LOLOLOLOLOL.

McMillion$ – HBO

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I came late to the party for this one, people were telling me to watch it back in February but I’m cheap and didn’t get HBO until recently when I got a free trial JUST to watch I’ll Be Gone in the Dark and then when said free trial expired, I waited until they sent me a cheaper monthly price before I committed again (to obviously cancel when they raise the price after a year.) That’s how you play the game, folks. Anyway, this one covers the classic McDonalds Monopoly game that ran for a decade and it turns out it was completely rigged. I had no previous information about this case so the story was a real rollercoaster. Doug Mathews was the rookie special agent who first pursued this case and he is ELECTRIC on camera. Honestly if it weren’t for Doug I might’ve shut the doc off after episode 1 because it was a bit of a slow start. And thank God I didn’t shut it off because it was one of my fave doc-series. The creatures that were in this criminal Monopoly ring were the type of people that I couldn’t tear my eyes away from. Robin Colombo in particular. I cherished every time she graced the screen with her Kool Aid red hair, 16,000 wrinkles and constant ciggy hanging out of her mouth. I’m honestly not sure what’s more offensive, the cast of characters that won millions of dollars from McDonald’s illegally or the fact that these morons got away with it for SO long. In fact, had there not been an informant, there would still be schmucks buying winning Monopoly tickets like it’s an underground betting ring and not a fast food chain promotional contest.

Fear City – Netflix

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This is for all my fellow I-talians out there. My dad and I watched this one together in our matching wife-beaters and gold cross chains while we ate sauce and called everyone mamalukes. Just kidding, sort of. Fear City dives into the height of the NYC mafia in the 70’s and 80’s and how a bunch of baby-faced agents took them down. I love a good mafia/mob movie and the best part about this one was that it was real life. The five families were quite literally running the entire city at that time, making money off of the construction of every new skyscraper that was going up, in addition to having their hands in every other revenue-generating business right down to the gas you put in your car. In just three episodes (my favorite kind of doc) you’ll get to see how the FBI managed to assign an agent to each family, bug their homes and build enough evidence to take them all down. The sting operations get my juices flowing (there was a great sting in the McMillions doc where they acted as a film crew Argo style) and watching the bug guy tell us how he put on a mustache and a jumpsuit and dropped by the head of a mafia family’s home to “fix his TV” in the 1970’s when technology literally did not exist was riveting stuff. There wasn’t AS much real time footage as I would’ve liked but again, it was short so it’s not like I was bored to tears.

I Love You, Now Die – HBO

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Nothing excites me more than forming an opinion on a crime strictly from the very few headlines that I read. And that’s exactly what everyone did with this case, which is why I truly enjoyed this more balanced look into what might have happened. I guess this doc came out last year, but having just gotten access to HBO, I went a little apeshit last weekend consuming every recent doc they had and this just happened to be one of them and I wanted to recommend it and not just because it took place in Massachusetts and featured some PRIME Ben/Casey Affleck exaggerated movie accents. The case was a big deal a few years back because technically Conrad committed suicide but once they dove a little deeper into his relationship with his girlfriend Michelle, they found text messages from her encouraging him to do it and she was charged with his murder, which is a pretty controversial thing and a unique murder charge. The doc did a great job of covering the back and forth of if you can really charge someone for murder when they texted someone to do it–at the end of the day Michelle didn’t start that car and let it fill up with carbon monoxide to kill Conrad and it seemed like the judge was kind of torn on it too. What was made very clear though was the fact that both Conrad and Michelle were AWL sorts of F’ed up. They were both being treated for depression and on medication, Conrad had attempted suicide before, and the two of them lived in this kind of toxic fantasy world of dating via text and never actually seeing each other. So for anyone who saw Michelle in court with her jet black bushy brows, her bleach blonde hair and a REAL bitchy stank face and though ooooh this teeniebopper ho is guilty AF, I suggest you watch this and it might not be so black and white. I’m not saying you’re going to finish it and think she’s innocent like I did when I watched the Scott Peterson doc and spent every Christmas party bringing up the gruesome murder of Laci Peterson to everyone who got stuck talking to me in order to convince them of his innocence, but you might just see the case from all sides. And that’s really why we watch docs, right? To get a different perspective, learn some new tidbits, and then shove all of that down everyone else’s throats and act like you’re superior to them because you watched an educational movie that was 100% created with an agenda and also a bias. DOCS 4 LIFE.

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Movies, Television

Best of the Worst Hallmark Holiday Movies, 2019 Edition

Suuuuper late and kind of short edition this year but honestly with the way these networks and now streaming services are churning out holiday content, it’s become a full time job to keep up. Literally, I had to quit my job in order to have time to watch any of these. The things I do for shitty holiday movies. Speaking of getting paid to watch movies, I don’t know what it says about me that several people sent me the link to the contest that went viral where a marketing company was looking for someone to watch a shit-ton of Hallmark holiday movies for $1000. I mean I know what it says about me, but it says even more that I responded with $1000 is too low, considering I do it right now for free. But seriously, they were looking for the person to live stream while they watched and blast out free advertising on all social media platforms. These hot takes are worth more than $1000 and also I can confidently say that trashing half of their movies probably would be frowned upon. And so here we are, I watch far too many garbo movies for free—and then give you snarky summaries that hopefully make you laugh and realize that you too don’t have a life, ALSO FOR FREE! It’s the gift that keeps on giving.

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Holiday in the Wild – Netflix (Kristin Davis, Rob Lowe)

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My mom was in town and typically we surf through Netflix, pop on a movie and then she ceremoniously falls asleep halfway through and let me tell you thank God we chose this one because IT DESERVED A FULL SLEEP-THROUGH. It was my first festive movie of the season and I was taking a real chance anyway because it’s Netflix and as we’ve established on this blog in the past, Netflix should not be in the holiday movie game….but I thought, it’s Rob Lowe. That guy made Drew Peterson, a murderer of several wives, look slick as hell in a Lifetime movie. This can’t lose. Oh, but it did. Within the first 10 minutes of the movie Kate sends her only son off to college and is dumped by her husband at the same time she was going to surprise him with an African safari. Oopsie! She goes on the African safari solo and I assumed it was going to be a little Under the Tuscan Sun, Eat, Pray, Love vibes. It soon becomes a movie mostly focused on elephants. Which I can get down with. What I can’t get down with is Rob Lowe deadpanning, “Some say it’s the most dangerous animal out there but it’s not. We are.” SPARE ME, ROB LOWE. With that opening line from him, strap yourselves in for a whole lot of long, blank stares and 0 comedic timing. Kate casually extends a two week vacation into moving to Africa because we can all just do that no prob bob. In summary: elephants are cool has hell but they couldn’t save this dumpster fire of a movie.

Bonus Points: When Kate unpacks a framed picture of her college-aged son for her two week vacation. Normal stuff. Also this son is Rob Lowe’s IRL son, because of course.

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Check Inn to Christmas – Hallmark (Rachel Boston, Wes Brown)

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If you’ve read my yearly installment of this blog, you know that we’ve got two hall of fame heavy-hitters in this movie, which is why it was appointment DVR’ing for my sister and I. Here’s the deal: Julia is coming home for Christmas from the city where she has a hoity-toity corporate law job and wouldn’t you know IT’S THE CENTENNIAL CHRISTMAS CELEBRATION! It’s such a big deal that there’s a literal Grand Marshal of Christmas and wouldn’t you also know that Julia’s sister and Ryan’s brother are both competing for it. Their two families are small town rivals who both run inns and are getting pushed out by big resorts. Blah, blah, blah, as my sister shouted at the screen at one point, “less chit chat, more Wes Brown!” Obviously these bitter rivals team up to help each other out in the Christmas trivia AND IN LIFE! But what cannot be tolerated in this movie is the gross over-acting. I’m not sure if they all went to the same acting class where it was taught to them that facial expressions and yelling means you’re a good actor but dear lord it was vomit-inducing. Case in point, Grandma has the CRAZIEST eyes that are bulging 24/7. In any given scene, she has erect eyeballs just peeping in the corner.

Bonus Points: Julia, a grown adult staying with her parents for Christmas, is woken up by her dad (Al from Home Improvement) SCREAMING at the top of his lungs, “JULIA, DIDN’T YOU HEAR ME CALLING?!” If my parents ever woke me up in this manner I’d set myself ablaze. In fact, my sister thought it would be funny to try it the next morning for me but she forgot. Had she followed through, we would’ve had a murder on our hands. Also, all either family does for the entire movie is drink hot chocolate. You’ll never find them in a scene without hot chocolate in their hand. In my sister’s words, “mix in a cocktail.” What a bunch of shouting squares.

Christmas Unleashed – Lifetime (Vanessa Lachey)

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Becca heads from NYC down south to Gram’s for the holidays with her dog Henry. The opening scene is her talking to her dog an abnormal amount and then talking about him an abnormal amount to her Grams. I’m a dog lover so I was like well that’s her bestie so it’s whatever. I start to worry a little when her Grams says if only Henry was a person he would be perfect for you. And I wonder if this is going to be one of those “magical” movies where the dog becomes a person and I was ready to shut that right off. Instead, we find out that her ex boyfriend Max, the town vet, dated her for four years and also was Henry’s dad until they broke up, womp womp. The two reunite to find Henry, who is basically just a little rascal on a mission to get his mom and dad back together as he’s spotted at all of their most nostalgic spots then watches them reminisce. Spoiler alert: it works. Double spoiler alert: all of my worries at the beginning of this movie were confirmed when Becca has her first flashback of the movie and says in a gooey voice, “This is where Henry and I first met.” I have all of the uncomfies in the world because if I wasn’t convinced at the beginning, I am now, Becca would like to date and/or marry her dog. It’s a good thing Max is into that sorta shit, otherwise this would have a very different ending. Shout-out to my mom for wondering aloud, “Why are all these movies so cheesy?” Oh Cin, they keep making ‘em, and we keep watching ‘em. It’s the circle of life.

Bonus Points: At Henry’s first spotting on the tree farm, the group starts to look for him and excitedly shout, look like he’s headed that way, as they point to spray painted paw prints in the grass. Crack team. Also equally as entertaining as a dog leading his owners on a scavenger hunt is the gay law partners in town who are just learning to speak for the first time by the sounds of their very over-pronounced dead pan cliche We ❤ Lin Manuel Miranda dialogue. (Let it be known, however, both gays are WHITES. GASSSSPPPPP.)

Holiday Rush – Netflix (Romany Malco)

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I’m gonna be honest, I zoned out of this one almost immediately. I was like oh I love Rome from A Million Little Things and I work in radio, so let’s do the damn thing. Then I was immediately bored. Mostly because I hate spoiled little B’s and his children were THE MOST SPOILED. He’s a morning show radio host in NYC (big $) but the station gets bought out and he’s the first to go. And rather than his kids being supportive and all we’ll rally togets for the holidays, dad. They’re all like THIS IS THE END OF OUR LIVES HOW AM I GOING TO POST MY CHRISTMAS GIFTS ON INSTAGRAM?! If I were this dad I’d immediately disown these shits. But he sticks it through and works hard to create his own radio station but also downsize from their mansion to the house they originally had that his kids bitch about like Santa’s little a-holes. There’s a couple of ghost cameos by LaLa Anthony as the dead mom/wife to spice things up but unless you want to cringe your face off at spoiled kids and a matching jammies proposal, skip this B.

Bonus Points: The final scene when Auntie Jo strips down into a slutty red lace number and hits the stage for a live performance out of NOWHERE. Dear, sweet Auntie Jo has been hiding a WHOLE LOTTA WOMAN under those sweaters.

Holiday Date – Hallmark (Brittany Bristow, Matt Cohen)

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The movie kicks off with Brooke on the phone with her parents talking her new boyfriend up as Mr. Christmas and with that cocky nickname, I already know Mr. Christmas will be dumping her before he makes it home for Christmas. Coincidentally enough, Brooke goes to a party directly after the purely predictable dumping and meets an actor who wants to research a small town for an upcoming role and now she’s bringing him home to pretend to be Mr. Christmas. Unfortunately he’s Jewish and also the world’s shittiest actor. He gets a real hard-on over the town and method acting. At one point he cleans her dad’s glasses with glee and calls it a “prop”. So I guess he’s just pretending to be a Hallmark actor who has absolutely no chill. He’s playing himself, folks! I deemed this movie unwatchable and turned it off right around the point where they accidentally convince the family they’re engaged and Joel/Ethan turns to Brooke and no bullshit goes, “How do we ever reverse course from this.” Goodbye. Put me in the ground because this is the biggest loser to ever grace the Hallmark screen and it ain’t even close.

Bonus Points: When Brooke’s parents find out they might be engaged—her dad says “They’re engaged?!” and her mom replies “Why are you so surprised, they’ve been dating for 6 months! That’s how long it took you to propose to me.” UM, I’M SORRY IS 6 MONTHS LONG?!

A Christmas Wish – Lifetime

(Hilarie Burton, Tyler Hilton, the entire B team of supporting cast members from One Tree Hill)

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This year’s One Tree Hill reunion on Lifetime is a must-miss. It’s one of those magical Christmas “spell” movies so not only do you have to suspend belief, but also all fashion sense because everything that Faith wears in this movie should be burned. (After asking my sister if she had any thoughts to add to this blog she unprompted shouted “I HATED CHRISTMAS WISH IT WAS LITERALLY THE WORST AND EVERYONE LOOKED LIKE GARBAGE.” So basically we have the same brain.) Faith’s sister bullies her into submitting a Christmas wish to find herself a mans by Christmas and thanks to ~MaGiC~ it makes every male she ever comes across v horny for her. What a drag. Also I still don’t understand the relevance of this to the storyline, but someone bumps into her with hot coffee three times and HOW DOES THIS BITCH NOT HAVE THIRD DEGREE BURNS?! Dubz also, Faith has a date with someone she’s crushed on in the coffee shop and within 30 seconds of said date, tells him she stalked him on the internet before meeting up so maybe Faith really does need a Christmas wish to get a date because she’s a full-blown creepster. Lastly, true to this year’s trend, there is a gay brother in a bi-racial partnership with a mixed child. I’m noting this because every network except Hallmark (for obvious banned same-sex kiss commercial reasons) is SHOVING the gay, bi-racial brother bit down our throats. Never one to dip their toes in the water, they wanted to go full force with the LOVE IS LOVE theme, and what better way than an exuberantly gay couple that also has a little flava. Unfortunately for OTH fans, they chose Jimmy Edwards (as he will always be known) to prove this point. A flamboyant Jimmy is such a far cry from a suicidal gun-toting teen that it was more of a stretch than a Christmas wish that makes everyone slobber all over you. Mouth would’ve been more believable. Unfortunately they also tried to break him from his typecast and made him a drummer in a band. LOLOLOL. I realize that this blurb is only for lovers of One Tree Hill and I’m ok with that because as long as they keep whipping up this cast at the holidays while they’re on break from conventions in North Carolina, I’m going to keep talking about them as if they’re still the characters from a mid 2000’s teen soap.

Bonus Points: A cameo by Ryan Cabrera at the holiday party and he quite literally follows Faith around serenading her because he too has fallen under her spell. Also, Deb—get it gurl! Still lookin TIGHT. Bet she could still get after Skillz.

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WATCH

Let It Snow – Netflix

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MIXIN IT UP, YO! Tossing in a little youth flick. You know me, I love to get LIT with the YOUTHZ. Jk you really know that if there’s a teen movie on Netflix, I will immediately watch it. Though few live up to my eternal boner for The Kissing Booth, I am willing to shout out when one surprises me. This one definitely surprised me. It’s one of those following a bunch of different couples ala Love Actually that all intertwine in the end. If I may also draw another comparison, it’s basically a 2019 version of the all-time classic Snow Day. Instead of a creepy, rotting teeth snowplow man as the misunderstood villain, we have Joan Cusack as “Tin Foil Woman” driving a tow truck. This in itself made me cackle. Since we live in a much more snowflakes (pun intended) time period than when Snow Day was made, Tin Foil Woman actually has a heart of tin foil and we learn to love her and respect her differences even though she definitely could be a danger to society. She doesn’t ever reveal why she’s wrapped in tin foil though and this is something I will wonder until I die. ANYWAY, there’s too many characters to remember all of their names but the movie has the classic “anything can happen when it snows at Christmas” sort of vibe to it and everyone can enjoy that very optimistic sentiment about shitty winter weather. It’s cute and funny—there’s a girl who buys an actual piglet for her BFF as a Christmas gift, a classic commoner and superstar love story, a bleeding nipple, & the most epic final banger at the Waffle House that could not be more midwestern and high school snow day goalzzzzz.

Bonus Points: Since I championed how cute this movie is, I feel like it’s my civic duty to warn you that there is an organ duet in a church that made me cringe out of my skin and maybe you should 100% fast forward through this. It started out and they are both terrible singers and then they just fully committed to the whole song and I wanted to chop my head off and hide under the couch because how can people CONFIDENTLY SING when they stink this bad?!

Grounded for Christmas – Lifetime (Julianna Guill & Corey Sevier)

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Don’t know either of these leads but the female looks like a long-lost Olsen twin and that’s good enough for me. Look at me taking a chance on up & comers on the holiday TV movie scene. Truth be told my sister had to convince me to watch this one because I felt like I couldn’t believe in this straight love story after seeing how incredibly gay the lead guy looked in the preview. She assured me it was just a bad picture and it turned out to be a hit so I’m glad we had this completely irrational disagreement on choosing a movie. Tale as old as Lifetime, Nina and Brady are totes opposites, their flight is grounded by a snowstorm and they pretend to be dating so that Nina’s family doesn’t think she’s a sad single at Christmas. What a lovely lesson these movies teach us that if you’re considering going home for the holidays without a man on your arm, you should probably jump directly off of a bridge. But I digress, this movie isn’t really a wow factor but something that I did love is that Nina has a sassy best friend who calls Nina on her bullshit and I feel like we don’t see a lot of that on these preachy ass networks. They’re all so supportive and rah-rah all the time that sometimes you just need a best friend who sees that you’re falling for your pilot co-worker, tells you he bangs all of the flight attendants and that you need to maintain the no dating pilots GURL code. At one point Nina is all, no, no, I’m not really into him we’re just pretending, this is a role I’m playing. And Tara serves her with a dose of realness asking if she’s Meryl Streep now. YES TARA, CALL HER OUT. In the end Tara obviously supports Nina ditching their girls beach trip but I still ship a friend that doesn’t just go along with these garbage falling in love storylines right away. A skeptic, if you will.

Bonus Points: Nina and Brady attend a party at her brother and sister-in-law’s house and after the White Elephant gift exchange, the S-I-L walks around the living room with a mistletoe hanging off of a stick and hangs it over each couple as everyone stares at them and forces them to kiss and you know what, if Tara was invited to this party I’m GUESSING she’d call this a little rapey and weird. WHAT KIND OF PARTY GAME IS THIS?! Forcing people to smooch as adults while everyone watches is incredibly creeperoni. Knock it off!

Christmas in Rome – Hallmark (Lacey Chabert, Sam Page)

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This movie could easily go on the worst list because of all the awkward as hell things that occurred in it but I believe I have a little soft spot for cheesy Italian movies thanks to our gurl Lizzie McGuire. Angela is an American living in Rome, wanting to start her own tour company (she’s going to call it “When in Roma”–CLEVER AND ORIGINAL!!) and Oliver is the corporate tight-wad whose visiting to acquire a handmade ornament family business. It’s Angela’s task to teach Oliver the culture of Italy because they do business differently and Luigi ain’t gonna just hand over his family biz to a greedy American who will ruin everything. Oliver takes one tour with Angela and suddenly he thinks they’re dating. It’s a real weird transition but these two are both babes so I guess it’s ok that Oliver 100% coerces her into dating him even though she says she doesn’t date clients. What happens next is two people knowing each other for like 4 days and then discussing long distance dating from halfway across the world. Their first date Christmas gifts include a handprinted ornament and a framed selfie. THINGS MOVE FAST IN ITALY, JUST ASK PAOLO & ISABELLA!

Bonus Points: Angela finds Oliver in the last scene to tell him how she feels BY USING THE GPS TRACKER SHE PUT ON HIS PHONE IN CASE SHE LOST HIM IN A CROWD. That’s like year 8 of marriage, y’all. STALKER ALERT! Also their first kiss is to the tune of Under the Sea Jamaican version of The First Noel and I couldn’t stop laughing.

Ghosting: The Spirit of Christmas – Freeform (Aisha Dee, Kimiko Glenn)

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When I chose to pop this movie on, I was really just trolling myself and how far I was wiling to go for a holiday movie. Because the description of this movie is literally: Jess goes on the greatest first date of her life, but inadvertently “ghosts” Ben when she tragically dies in a car accident on the way home. And I asked myself, are we really doing this? And it turns out, when I commit to a bit, I commit hard. So yes, I filled up a solo cup with rosé and watched a Christmas movie where the main character dies in the first five minutes. Not only that, but I GLEEFULLY watched it. I couldn’t WAIT to rip this flaming hot garbage premise for a Christmas movie apart. But…I honestly… couldn’t. It really was a clever movie. It was self-aware to call itself out for the bullshit of a literal ghost being able to do some things but not others. I mean, she has sex with her alive man candy AS A GHOST because that can apparently happen but ONLY at the winter solstice. They consult a spirit guide to confirm penetration can occur between the living and the dead. I’m getting carried away here, just wanted to get straight to the ghost and human sexual relations but essentially the story is that Jess goes on a date with Ben, they hit it off and she’s already yapping about him to her BFF but then dies reading his flirty post-date text on her drive home—she literally stops in the middle of an intersection to read “You’re pretty great.” Let this be a lesson to us all, don’t text and drive unless you’re good at it. Jess unfortunately learned this lesson the hard way. Then she is stuck in ghost land and can’t ascend to heaven —only Ben and her bestie Kara can see her so they make it their mission to find out why she’s stuck and get her to ascend. Hence Ben banging her. Apparently he thought he’d give her such good D that she’d shoot right into the afterlife. Sorry for Ben’s sex skillz, but the real love of her life is her best friend because gurl don’t need no maaaaans, just a BFF4Lyfe! (& death)

Bonus Points: Jess died in the most aggressive car crash and yet…open casket. HOW. The writing in this movie is actually clever, but the writers also had a real boner for Notting Hill because the “I’m just a girl” quote was abused twice: “I’m just a ghost, standing in front of an alive guy, asking him to go on a second date.” AND “I’m just a ghost, standing in front of her best friend, asking her to fly.” Once was funny, TWICE WAS OVERKILL, guys.

Knight Before Christmas – Netflix (Vanessa Hudgens)

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I’ve been beyond complimentary to Netflix this year by putting not one but TWO of their originals on my watch list. I’m not going to get ahead of myself and say that they’re getting better—case in point, Holiday in the Wild, but I do think they’re so thirsty to become the go-to Hallmark for Christmas originals that they’re just throwing all of the shit at the wall to see what sticks. I will also point out that they’re so obsessed with themselves that they’re now using their own movies to advertise their other movies. This one featured the main characters WATCHING Holiday in the Wild and mentioned the fake town from the A Christmas Prince trilogy. Relax, Netflix, you’re trying the hardest and it’s getting embarrassing. Knight Before Christmas is asking us to do a lot of legwork in suspending belief because a witch in the forest sends a knight from 1336 to 2019. Sir Cole is just wandering around the Christmas market when Brooke runs into him with her hot chocolate. Then later on, for good measure, literally hits him with her car. Why? Because a snowstorm appeared out of nowhere and apparently we’re escalating “bumping into each other” as a meet-cute to potential vehicular manslaughter. See what I mean here? Netflix is extra. Brooke then feels guilty for hitting a stranger wearing full knight’s armor with her car so she invites him to come stay with her because she wants to get murdered at Christmas, apparently. Sir Cole can’t be a murderer though because he’s a babe soda and suuuuper chivalrous. He does good deeds all over town (f’real though, him saving Brooke’s niece is pretty swoonworthy), knows his way around the kitchen-there is a v. sexual bread-making scene, and still finds time to Netflix and chill. What a modern knight. Don’t worry, if this movie didn’t satiate your 14th century cosplay fantasies, they blatantly set up a sequel with Cole’s younger brother for next Christmas.

Bonus Points: This knight mf’er calls the TV “the magic box that makes merry” yet when he asks if he can take Brooke’s car somewhere she just casj tosses him the keys like it’s no big thang. REALLY? YOU THINK THIS MEDIEVAL TIMES GENT WATCHED YOU DRIVE YOUR CAR ONCE AND JUST KNEW WHAT TO DO?! HE RIDES HIS HORSE EVERYWHERE BUT SUUUUURE LET HIM DRIVE YOUR LEASE, BROOKE! Honestly this part triggered me and I found him driving her car and not killing anyone even more unbelievable than a witch sending him from 1336 to 2019 just to fall in love. Also, when Cole wants more “mead” AKA hot chocolate at the diner he pounds his glass and screams ANOTHER ONE, WENCH! And I for one welcome us making that acceptable again because there have been many a time that I’ve been at a crowded bar and wish that I could get a competitive edge over the next bar-mate on a beer refill. If I could do that without getting kicked out, we’d be GOLDEN.

Same Time, Next Christmas – ABC (Lea Michele, Charles Michael Davis, Bryan Greenberg)

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Easily, without question, the best new Christmas TV movie this year. Between the star power, the setting of Hawaii (if you could see me right now, I’m obviously doing the hang loose hand jive), and the fact that they expertly avoid many of the dumb ass holiday movie tropes that Hallmark so very much needs, this was a clear winner. Olivia and Jeff’s families have been celebrating Christmas in Hawaii since they were little and they obviously become vacation boyfriend/girlfriend who pen pal throughout the year and then kick it island style for the holidays. Rather than having two people fall in love in five minutes, or putting high school sweethearts back together immediately, this movie takes place over several years and it’s actually refreshing to have a believable storyline. Of course, it can’t all be believable and there is an enormous plot hole when they show all these lovely childhood Christmases with just Olivia and Jeff playing in the sand and their parents adoringly watching. Cut to fifteen years later and they both have older siblings. Huh? How do we just create siblings out of thin air? And of COURSE, Olivia’s brother is gay and married to a black man with a mixed child. DING DING DING, check those boxes ABC! (Hallmark, everyone still hates you.) But beyond the made-up sibz, both parents KILL it as supporting storylines. Jeff’s dad is the classic out of touch old guy who only speaks in sports references and Olivia’s parents are hippies who can’t stop tonguing each other. Hey, it’s Hawaii. IT’S ROMANTIC! Poor Gregg (Bryan Greenberg) gets the shitty boyfriend treatment standing in the way of soulmates but also when Jeff emerges from the ocean with a glistening six-pack it’s like GREGG, WHO?!

Bonus Points: Honestly I spent the whole movie with outfit envy for every single garment of clothing Olivia wore, drooling over her hot bod and also wishing I could spend Christmas in Hawaii.

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Concert, Movies, Pop Culture

Top Fyre Fest Revelations

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As I’m sure you heard, Netflix and Hulu chose a particularly wintery-don’t-wanna-leave-the-couch week to drop two dueling documentaries on the horrific dumpster fYre that took place a couple years ago. As originally reported on the Weekly JUice where I pointed a heavy finger at Ja Rule (or Ja, as I learned his “business partners” and friends call him), this music festival was created to be an exclusive event on a private island for rich millennials, except for the fact that when they all arrived their accommodations were FEMA tents with no food or water and whoopsie there were also no musical acts booked. Obviously Twitter rants ensued and all of us poor people who would never drop 5 grand for a trip to an island music festival sat in our office chairs with tears rolling down our cheeks from laughing uncontrollably. Just me? Whatevs.

Each doc provided a behind the scenes view of what led to this. Spoiler alert: the most stupidity you will ever feast your eyes upon. Although both had different footage/interviews, if you’re looking to just watch one, Netflix takes the cake. They partnered with Fuck Jerry, the media company that had all of the juicy BTS footage and boy was that worth a watch. Hulu offered an exclusive interview with the mastermind dirtbag himself, Billy McFarland. Although if we’re being real here, the Billy that filmed himself wanting to document his creative process (partying) is FAR more telling than the Billy that was paid to sit down for a formal interview and chose not to answer half the questions. Jus sayin. Strap in for the best and most ridiculous revelations from the two docs where my jaw had a permanent residency on the floor.

1. Andy being extorted by someone half his age to suck Customs D. 

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Andy. Who hurt you? Some view Andy as a ride or die. I view him as a lil bitch who is literally crying every day but still cleaning up messes from someone half his age. The only logical conclusion is that Billy has something on Andy. Judging by Billy’s character, my first assumption would be some sort of financial fraud. Anyone who willingly comes running every time Billy wah wah’s about the latest disaster CANNOT be doing that just because they like the guy. When he casj AF drops in the, Billy asked me to suck the Custom guy’s D and I swished around some mouthwash and flew right over there, I was literally in shock. HOW. WHAT. WHY. Andy is 100% the person whose still visiting Billy in prison and can’t wait until he comes out so that they can embark on a new business venture together.

2. Partying like Rockstars, F*cking like Pornstars

I couldn’t pick just one jaw dropping aspect of Billy and Ja’s time on the island leading up to this disaster so I broke it down to my favorite three. Basically all of these moments fall under the umbrella of the fact that this crew did NOTHING but party for the 3 or 4 months leading up to this event. The fact that it’s actually a good event idea but would take 1-2 years to build the foundation and these jabronis threw out a promo video and sold tickets 4 months ahead of it and didn’t plan one single thing is so frustrating in itself, but then to watch their “visits” to the island contain jetskiing, drinking and hearing Ja Rule give stupid cliche party toasts made it 1 bazillion times worse. At one point in the Hulu doc, Ja just does blow on camera. Cool bruh.

a. Billy spilling beer on the map that says this won’t work

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The two masterminds recruit a guy who knows the island and he’s like hey look at how much space you need versus how many tickets you sold, this maybe isn’t a good idea. And Billy spills his beer on the map. Then fires the guy. Sick.

b. ZERO gravity!

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Aforementioned guy who actually sounded pretty reasonable when he was like Hey Billy, this won’t work is actually the SAME guy who apparently learned how to fly a PJ based on like a video game or simulator and all of the douchebags/influencers who came every weekend to party were like OMG he gives the best zero gravity rides. No, morons, you were just getting in a small aircraft with someone whose never flown it before (probably drunk or high) and letting it fall from the sky. The wild things rich people do for kicks.

c. Pig island=Bhole island.

 

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This point was actually more so because of the Bachelor and the fact that pig island is marketed as this adorable fun thing but pigs are actually gross and being stuck on an island with them probably isn’t fun at all. The porkers going after all these dainty models’ bholes and them running and screaming was high entertainment. PAY THOUSANDS OF BUCKS TO COME TAKE INSTAS WITH PIGS LIKE THESE MODELS. Notttttttt.

3. MASS CHAOS.

Look we all heard about the shit show that was people showing up and not having any housing or food. And we ALL remember the cheese sandwich. Probably the most reported aspect of this entire festival. But what was learned through these docs is that if you bring a bunch of entitled young adults to an island in another country, fill them with booze and then basically release them into the wild to find sleeping arrangements for the night, they’re going to act like animals. At first it was like everyone’s drunk and trying to find a tent and a mattress, ahhhh! Then it escalated REAL QUICK to:

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and then that went rrrrright into peeing on mattresses and looting. WHAT?! How is this a normal reaction?! Obviously not one police officer in sight. Supes normz for thousands of people coming to a music festival.

4. Do I want to be an influencer when I grow up?

I’ve never heard the word influencer more in my life and I’d feel good about going the rest of my life never having to hear it again. I know I probably have no leg to stand on here, as I blog about pop culture, but SERIOUSLY HOW IS THIS A CAREER?! Not only is influencer a career, but these influencers, most of whom I’ve never heard of were PAID to come to this festival. Just so that they could Youtube, and Insta and whatever else live stream their trip. The portion of both docs where it shows random internet people just live stream narrating their flight made me want to set my apt on fire. Mostly because I too would like to be paid $250,000 to post an instagram just telling people to go to a festival. YEAH THAT’S RIGHT KENDALL JENNER, I CALL BULLSHIT! Girl was never even affiliated with this festival but had no issues accepting a wire transfer in exchange for one insta post. Woof. Barf everywhere. Ok before I have a full on mental breakdown about how many people in this world probably call themselves influencers, let’s go right ahead and call them out for DEFINITELY having enough money and not sending it right to the Bahamians that were screwed over.

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Instead, we all (I’m using we in a very general state, I did not put any of my personal money up) raised the funds for this sweet, sweet woman to have a savings again. So you owe us Kendall. YOU OWE US.

5. Frauders never stop frauding.

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By far the most shocking thing out of this whole shit show, the thing that I still couldn’t get past is Billy getting INDICTED, doing some jail time, being out on bail and starting up a fresh scam with the SAME EXACT CONTACT LIST AS FYRE FEST. Not only basically making it the most obvious thing in the world that it’s him scamming again for tickets that don’t exist and using a frontman to make the phone calls, but HE FILMS IT ALL TOO.

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“Hey are you guys looking for cold hard proof that I can’t stop extorting people? YOU BETTER COME FIND ME (in my penthouse, with a full video shoot setup, using the same phone number and email I’ve always used.)” – Billy, probably. Also shout out to the Hulu version for letting us know that he also tried planning Fyre Fest 2018 immediately afterward as well. You and Ja deserve each other, Billy.

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Honorable Shout-out for no particular reason:
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I genuinely would’ve appreciated a phonetic spelling of this name.
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Do you feel dumber having read that entire blog? Great. We’re all on the same page now.
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Movies, Pop Culture

The Kissing Booth is a 10/10

It’s the movie that’s been sweeping the nation, the one you stumble into on Netflix then immediately text your close friends who also appreciate a good teen rom-com and they reply, “I’ve already watched it three times.” So why is a cheesy movie with subpar acting about 17 year olds falling in love after a first kiss in front of their entire school at a fundraising carnival all the rage? LET ME TELL YOU.

5. Friendship Goals. I feel like it’s impossible for a guy and a girl to be BFF’s without at some point there being feelings or weirdness and this movie proves that wrong. There were times that I questioned Lee’s sexuality, like when they had the classic dressing room scene or the fact that they love to dance together BUT I quickly let it go realizing that these two are just peas in a pod as besties. As Elle’s BFF should Lee maybe have not let her strut into the first day of school with her bhole hanging out? Yeah probably, but her dad didn’t stop her either so there was more than one offense on that. Lee makes Elle a hangover kit after the party, drives her ass everywhere and lets her third wheel at prom and all in all that’s a killer friend. Except for the whole, choose friendship over love, it’s goals all around.

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4. They make high school look SUPER KEWL. As you guys might’ve inferred, I wasn’t the coolest cat in high school. In fact, I was much like Elle (personality wise…in no way was I stripping in front of the football team or banging the QB.) That being said, high school was just meh. We drank Barton’s vodka in our parent’s basements, which we referred to as St. Barts to feel classier because it was 100% rubbing alcohol and sometimes one of my friends would throw up or the cops would come. So watching this high school experience of parties in literal mansions and at the beach was a real TREAT. I never even knew you could combine slip n slide and flip cup and now I don’t want to do anything else ever again. HOW FUN ARE THEY?!

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3. There isn’t JUST kissing. As an avid viewer of teen flicks, sometimes it makes me uncomfy that I’m in my mid-twenties watching high schoolers fall in love and ending the movie with a no-tongue kiss (this also applies to Hallmark movies.) Call it what you want but sometimes you just need a little 13 in your PG, which is why I appreciated the hell out of this movie. I was nervous when it started with Elle telling us how she’s never even been kissed. Then she gets tongued real hard by Flynn and hop, skip, jump they’re banging in front of the Hollywood sign. Whew. What a whirlwind. But thankfully this allowed for a CLASSIC rom com montage which included a lot of boning scenes, some of them pretty risque. Like doing it on the science lab tables at school? You go, girl! Get down with your skanky high school self. Guess that’s just what the youths are doing these days (look no further than a kissing booth where blindfolded teenagers lick each other for money) and I approve because sometimes that’s just what you need to spice things up and make us old people feel better about devoting a night (or three) to watching.

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2. FLYNN. I mean come on. As far as babe soda leading men goes, this guy is a specimen. I mean seriously who has abs that defined in high school? Besides the fact that he’s a total makeout whore and has questionable choice in women (facial piercing chick who tasted like cheetos), Flynn is the high school teen dream. He’s tall, he plays football and has a little bad boy side to him with the motorcycle and slight rage problem — that of course can be tamed by the right girl. But Flynn also has a sensitive side looking out for Elle, maybe being a little too protective at times. Realistically though, if Flynn didn’t stop this boner from dating Elle SOMEONE SHOULD HAVE.

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Either way, well done with this casting because it was perfection. At one point my sister and our friend (both in their 30’s) and I sat on the couch sighing over Flynn and then immediately questioned if it was legal to drool over an actor that young. Pretty sure he’s 21, so it’s legit, guys. No need to sound the alarms here.

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Also he was lookin REAL mature in that grey suit coat. SWOON.

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1.  Elle & Flynn are a real life love story. Once I finally convinced my sister to watch this movie, she went full obsession stalker mode and immediately followed all of the actors on Instagram and to her delighted surprise, discovered that Elle and Flynn are REAL LIFE DATING. So this is the love story that never ends and bonus points Flynn is Australian IRL so he has an adorbs accent and they’re probably going to get married and have Kissing Booth kids. Or like, this was just a set fling because they’re both still babies themselves. Side note: the only thing that grinds my gears about their relationship (movie OR IRL) is that she is barely above legal little person size and he’s like over 6 feet. As a tall girl whose always needed a male counterpart that’s taller than me, I find it downright selfish when I see short ass girls stealing the tall guys. YOU’RE SHORT, EVERY GUY IS TALLER THAN YOU!! TAKE SOME OF THE FIVE FOOTERS OFF THE MARKET AND LEAVE THE SIXERS FOR US GANGLERODS. End rant. (I’m obviously still bitter about the fact that she fits perfectly under his chin for a good ole chintuck snugg.)

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BONUS If you’re feeling uncomfortable about watching teenagers fall in love and obsessing over it like I did…you can at least appreciate the cliche bitchy girl group aptly named the “OMG’s” and laugh out loud at their HORRENDOUS acting. (Seriously, there’s something for everyone in this movie.) Anytime these three betches grace the screen we’re treated to a full zoom on their faces as well as every sentence ending in GURL. The party scene in particular is cringeworthy as “G” says HEYYYY GURRRRLLL, WHATS GUCCI?! and laughs hysterically at how cool she thinks she is. Remind me to never say Gucci again.

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Movies, Pop Culture

Top Ten Dance Movie Montages

Since I pretty much air out all of my guilty pleasures on this blog, I don’t even know if I can call them guilty pleasures anymore. So this one’s for my fellow loud and proud CHEEZY dance movie lovers. If there’s a movie centered on the art of dance, you can pretty much bet I’ll be watching. It’s my year-round Hallmark holiday movie, so to speak. A love story mixed in with some bada$$ choreography. I like to pretend that I too, could’ve been a professional dancer but unfortunately my elementary ballet with Miss Louise, followed by 2 years of “Jazz” classes in middle school and ending in a Radio Disney dance team tryout where I couldn’t even remember the steps they taught us five minutes prior ended that dream real quick.

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I learned to accept that my best moves will come out between the hours of 11 PM and 4 AM after approximately 100 bud lights. It’s a shame they never created a feature on my Jersey turnpikin’ skillz at the club in college. (There’s still time…) Either way, I’ve learned to truly appreciate a bangin final dance number or montage, the best of which I’ve outlined below.

10. Footloose

 

Footloose is rounding out the caboose because to be perfectly honest it was before my time and I’ve never actually seen it. It may dishearten a few to hear that I’ve only seen the remake with Julianne Hough and Kenny Wormald. HOWEVER, knowing the history of dance movies, it would be preposterous to leave off the movie centered on a town that BANNED DANCING from this list. So here’s a fun look at when a boy just needs to dance out his feelings, even though he could be arrested for it. #Rebel.

9. Honey

 

Hoodrat Jessica Alba is the only version I wish to know. From the gold nameplate necklace to the way that she says “we peoples”, I CANNOT LOOK AWAY. Girl gets exclusive beats from DJ Scratch for pete’s sake. And don’t even get me started on how she rocks that “just wear the sleeves” fashion with some baggy camo pants. Honey’s such a good choreographer that she turns someone falling into a dance move! In all seriousness, this movie is #9 because I expect no one who hasn’t seen it yet to ever watch it. It’s embarrassing at best and that’s saying a lot for a movie that features Jadakiss as a “top celebrity”. Bottom line is that you watch this to laugh at Jessica Alba acting street and being the most sought out choreographer in the rap industry. It’s the little things in life that bring me joy. This movie is one of them.

8. Save the Last Dance

 

Save the Last Dance is that tried and true, mix up a guy from the wrong side of the tracks with a straight laced nerd. I wish Julia Stiles wasn’t such a cream cheese white awkward bird in this movie because 90% if it is cringeworthy. Her wearing a Gap cami and french braids to the club was level 10 embarrassing. A ballet and hip hop mashup should always be appreciated though and that’s why her Juilliard try out made the list. Nothing will ever top your black boyfriend teaching you how to booty pop, grl.

7. High School Musical 3

 

Although the High School Movie franchise is not technically part of the dance genre, it still counts because Zac Efron’s got moves for daaaays. Real talk, I don’t think I’ve ever faced anything quite as difficult as just choosing one dance number from the 3 HSM movies. Do I go with a Troy Bolton emo solo where he’s contemplating basketball versus theater in the halls of his high school? Tempting for sure. Instead I settled for the duet between these two wildcats. Vanessa Hudgens’ legs look real bangable and it’s no wonder her boyfriend wants to spin her around the rooftop just to ask her to prom. Seriously did you see how effortlessly he swooped her into the air? Sigh.

6. Dirty Dancing

 

A classic that should never be revisited (I’m talking to you, ABC) and of course the famous lift that every girl wishes her boyfriend could flawlessly perform. Seriously, guys, it shouldn’t be that hard to toss us above your head and hold us there while you spin. May Patrick Swayze and those sassy hips rest in peace as his memory lives on forever through (I’ve Had) The Time of My Life. We owe it all to you.

5. Grease

 

If I’m gonna slobber all over nobody putting baby in a corner, you bet your ass that Sandy in her bad gurl leathers was making this list. She puts her hussy pants on and is suddenly ready to shimmy it up for her man. I’m only a little jelly of her legs in those pants. Ok fine I’m a lot jelly. (If you’re noticing a trend here with me drooling over every female leads legs, you’re not wrong.) Everyone whose anyone knows that the shake shack is the best part of this routine and it’s not even up for debate.

4. Girls Just Wanna Have Fun

 

We’ve now arrived at one of the most underrated 80’s dance flicks of all time. SJP and Helen Hunt in their infant years when they were fresh on the Hollywood scene. If you haven’t seen this movie I suggest you watch it immediately if you want to be respected as a theatrical dance movie aficionado. SJP is a catholic school girl with a nazi dad and her counter part is OBV a bad boy but they become dance partners competing for a spot as COVETED Dance TV regulars. Although the tryouts and the final DTV competition are stellar in their own right, it would’ve been an injustice not to include this VERY 80’s dance/falling in love montage from the middle of the movie. My sister used to be so obsessed with this scene that she would rewind the ole VHS and replay it roughly 15 times before we could move on to the rest of the movie. Enjoy the classic beach silhouette lift and throwback Pepsi can mixed in with lots and lots of gymnastics.

3. Step Up 2 The Streets

 

It may surprise you that I don’t have the original Step Up and the spark of Channing and Jenna’s love on here. I like to toss in a curveball every once in a while to keep everyone on their toes. Here’s the second installment (every Step Up that follows this are white hot garbage) where having a dance crew and performing out on the streets is WAY cooler than getting into some lame arts school. They prove it too by dancing outside to trunk speakers IN THE RAIN. Whoa. The reason this dance is so high on the  list can pretty much be narrowed down to one baller move and that is OBVIOUSLY when what’s his face does the heart beat over what’s her face. I’m not proud of it but I spent far too much time one night in college trying to perfect that move with one of my roommates. Unfortunately rhythm is necessary for nailing that to a beat, but whatever. A for effort.

2. Magic Mike

 

This one’s for all my LAAADIEZZZZZ. (I mean, technically they all are, but we’ll pretend it’s just this one) Essentially the only takeaway from Magic Mike is the Pony dance and that’s pretty freaking obvious. I don’t really think I need to say anything else.

1. Center Stage

 

The queen bee of dance movies is Center Stage. They barely even hired actors for this, they just straight up trolled the American Ballet Company for dancers to play themselves. Never did I ever think a ballet performance could be interesting enough to contain a saucy sex scene but that’s just what Cooper, bad boy of ballet, does. This performance was 10 minutes long and I am continuously riveted for every single minute. Boys fighting over a girl, motorcycles onstage, all the way to her flawless red lip, dreadlocks finale. WHAT A WHIRLWIND. This dance number has everything I could have ever hoped and dreamed and that’s why it’s the GOAT. Even I was like hey, should I maybe become a ballerina by the end of it. Then I remembered how they basically chop their toes off to stand on wooden blocks for 90% of every day and I was out. PS do NOT try to make boys watch this movie. They will revolt and ruin every precious moment of this badass final dance. Tough stuff, lesson learned.

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Movies, Television

Best of the DCOM’s

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I’ve been saying I would write this blog since I started The Salty Ju and nothing motivated me more than Disney announcing a MDW DCOM marathon and excluding some of my faves. So here’s the must-see list of the ole Disney classics whether you catch them on Disney this weekend or online…they’re worth a relive for nostalgia and mad LOLZ. Disclaimer: After doing further research, it turns out some of my faves that were left off the list are technically not DCOM’s as they were funded as feature films (which would explain why they have more star power.) Guess who doesn’t care? Moi. Were they on Disney? Yes. Did I watch them fo’ free? Yes. Then they’re Disney Channel Original Movies. End of discussion. Let’s rank.

Honorable Mention: Motocrossed

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I can pretty much tell you almost nothing about this movie but it’s on this list because Riley Smith. I think I only saw it the one time but if I know anything, it’s 90’s teen heartthrobs and Riley was top dog. This flick is supposed to be Disney’s dipping their toe into the waters of feminism but all I can think about is those baby blues in his lime green jumpsuit. But anyway, this chick kneeling in the front of this picture wants to be one of the boys and race with them in place of her brother so she chops off her hair and does just that. Pretty sure she also falls for Riley, because who wouldn’t? Sincerely praying she got a peek at him in the locker room, She’s the Man style.

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10. Double Teamed

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Don’t be such a bunch of pervs. This movie is about sports and twins, duh. Based on a true story (see, Disney was educational!) high school twins play volleyball togets then they had to move and start dabbling in basketball. I remember this movie being hilarious because they claimed to have that twin sense that made them like 1 trillion times better at sports. Like one would look for the other to pass to and telepathically through twin-ikenisis she would know to run to that corner and catch it. It was such a load of bullshit. Not to mention they apparently didn’t have the budget to cast actual twins, or like, just the same person like Lohan in The Parent Trap, so the two actresses looked nothing alike. There’s no way you can be in each other’s brains and not even be related! Whatever, they made it to the WNBA. Spoiler alert. Not bitter or anything. Twin bogus.

9. Gotta Kick it Up!

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I distinctly remember watching this one on premiere night with my sister and then us yelling Si Se Puede at each other for roughly an entire summer. Did it apply to anything we used it for? Probably not. But it was in Spanish and made us sound super exotic. This is the Latin flava movie and gave me some new spicy dance moves to try out no where because I have no rhythm. This random red-headed teacher in the movie did, though because she got doooowwwwnn and showed the dance team how to win.

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Bonus points for America Ferrera crushing it as Yolanda. Every time she danced solo everyone chanted “Go Yoli, Go Yoli.” What a firecracker.

[Editor’s Update: My sister just kindly reminded me that we had an obsession with neon highlighter window markers around the same time this movie came out and at one point each had Si Se Puede written on our bedroom windows. What a hip family we were. You know, if the definition of hip is carefully planning each month what quotes and doodles to draw on our windows with craft markers for no one to see but us and our probably 3 friends.]

8. The Luck of the Irish

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A St. Patrick’s Day staple on the Disney Channel, other top Disney hottie Ryan Merriman stars in this REAL weird number about Leprechauns. He casually finds out his mom is one, as Irish families sometimes do, and then has to get a coin back or something? I don’t really remember. What I do remember is his mom fitting in his pocket, him growing some pointy ears/bleached tips, and his grandpa being named Reilly O’Reilly. So I guess he’s pretty Irish. Also Kyle (Ryan Merriman) has to fight this evil leprechaun in a rowdy game of bball. And he is terrifying.

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7. Pixel Perfect

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This one got a little creepy BUT also gave me a fresh crush. Ricky Ullman was the leading male and also starred in my middle school locker via a Google image of him printed on fresh white computer paper. Smooches, Ricky. Anyway, he’s a nerd (and the glasses really work in his favor in this movie) so he creates a robot girl and then tries to cash in on her as a singer. He also falls in love with her and his BFF Sam is crushed because he likes a robot better than her.

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I’m pretty sure the jig was up when Ricky tried to smooch Loretta the hologram. CAN’T HAVE RELATIONS WITH COMPUTER IMAGES, BRO! Bonus points for the soulful songs that I most certainly ripped off Limewire.

 

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6. The Cheetah Girls

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There will never be a cooler friend group than the cheetah girls. Cause they had a cool handshake, and they sang rad songs, and they’re cheetah SISTAAAAHHHHS. Seriously though, those matching velour jumpsuits were on point and in a day when 3LW and their promithes, promithes were all the rage, this movie was the shit. Even their names–Galleria, Chanel, Aqua and Dorinda? Who the hell came up with these?!Remember when they rescued that little dog basically just by singing to it? Modern day heroes is what they are. You heard Chanel, You BEST respect the Cheetah Girls.

 

5. Zenon: Girl of the 21st Century

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Describing this movie makes it sound SUUUUUPER dumb. But at the time, watching it gave me like a hundo new cool phrases to drop at the lunch table. Zetus Lapetus, you brought Doritos today?! Zenon wore neon colors and lived in space with her BFF Nebula…except she was punished by being sent to Earth. Earth sucks. We don’t have a cool AF spiky haired singer named Proto Zoa who croons “there’s no gravity between us, our love is automatic.” We have Bieber. Yuck. Props to Disney for playing right into the porcupine hair trend that was hot in the streets in the early 2000’s. Boys, you were a nobody unless you had a gelled front spike, preferably with bleached tips and that is obvious. All I ever wanted to be was Proto Zoa’s Supernova Girl, MAJOR!!!! (Now that I’ve reminded myself how stupid space talk is, I’m going to force it into every conversation for the next month until my friends want to murder me.)

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4. High School Musical

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I’m only counting the first one as a throwback classic because the second movie was dirt and the third hit theaters (and is still a bangpiece of a film.) Who would have thought theater kids could be cool in high school? Troy totes didn’t when he sneaky discovered that he loves to sing like a bird but feels REAL guilty because WHAT WILL HIS FELLOW BALLERS THINK? Bonus points for two high school freshman (I’m assuming they were infants) finding love via open mic on vacation. They really stuck it through too. Wildcats 4 lyfe. No movie scene will ever beat Troy stopping mid-dribble to sing himself through a mental breakdown. Quickest way to make me laugh out loud is to re-live that soliloquy.

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3. Life-Size

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Back when Lohan was still fairly well-adjusted and Tyra Banks wasn’t telling everyone to kiss her fat ass on daytime telly, we had another majestical and realistic story via Disney. Eve the Barbie has come to life through a magic spell and even though she has an endless closet and career choices in playworld, real life is ROUGH for her. Get used to it, Eve. The good news is that if she ever finds herself in a bind she can just sing her way out of it. WHERE YOU LIVE, WHERE YOU ARE BE A STAAAARRRRRR!

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Bonus points for feminism when we see that Barbie is actually a total asshole with a razzle dazzle raincoat and firecracker red nails who can’t work or cook to save a life. #ROLEMODEL That is, until her little tomboy friend Casey teaches her about life and makes her dad fall in love with a doll. Normal stuff.

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2. Wish Upon A Star

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I’m nothing if not dedicated and since this was one of my favorites, I re-watched it so that I could remember all the gems. And boy was this edgy for Disney. It’s your typical body switching movie, except that for a network that created a high school movie series where the couple doesn’t have their first kiss until the third movie…THIRD MOVIE (coughtroyandgabriellacough), this was risqué. Alexia Wheaton is the older and much more popular sister with the hot boyfriend—obviously named Kyle.

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Haley Wheaton could be a body double for Travis Birkenstock from the movie Clueless.

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As revenge for switching bodies, they each try to F the other one over, Haley (in Alexia’s body) gets her neck munched on by her sister’s boyfriend and Alexia (in Haley’s body) does a quick strip tease atop the lunch tables in a dominatrix outfit. You know, totally normal high school stuff.

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In this town there’s casually mad shooting stars and they have like 100 chances to switch back, no biggie. Bonus points for the frosted lipstick, white sparkly eye shadow and construction workers getting boners for 16 year olds. Also might I add that no matter what body switching occurs, I would never be down with sharing my BF with my sister and allowing them to tongue each other.

1. Model Behavior

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Ohhhh I don’t even know where to begin with this movie because everything about it is too great. Right off the bat, N*SYNC’s “Here We Go” in the opening credits with a camcorder at a high school party is such a hot start. Another life switching movie that ends in a high school dance (do you see a trend here with my favorite DCOM’s?) Janine the famous model just wants to be a regular teen and Alex the social outcast just wants to bang JT, I mean Jason Sharpe. Don’t we all, honey, don’t we all. I’d like to point out that this movie just further convinced pre-teen Julia that she had a shot with any celeb if this weirdo who makes her own costume-like clothes can get JT. Anyway, apparently if you pull your hair up and rock a pair of dark framed glasses, you’re a completely different human. WHO KNEW?!

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Jason may seem like a player but that’s all tabloid fodder, he’s really just modeling to pay for grad school…where he will study astronomy. Are we to believe that someone old enough to attend or think about attending grad school is willing to roll through a high school dance just for a smooch?

jt

On the other hand, Janine the model is “park your car directly in the apartment” kind of rich and ends up slumming it with Eric Singer, the popular jerk at school. Eric Singer is a hawt name but his personality is mud.

ericsinger

Bonus points for Janine’s assistant Monique who has a mushroom cut and speaks like PeeWee Herman because every time she opens her mouth I laugh out loud.

monique

Also the pervy brother who waits outside of a ladies bathroom with a camcorder just to catch his sister on video. Bruh, did anything about that seem off? And finally the lolworthy confessional that occurred in the middle of the school dance with parents, little bros and potential boyfriends present. Oh, and Nobody’s Angel, appearing as: Nobody’s Angel. Best. Movie. Ever.

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nobodysangel

 

Catch some of these movies this weekend: Click here for full schedule Unfortunately the top three will not be playing, but it’s possible they will be avail online. BOOOOOOOO. I don’t know why I’m complaining, I just set my DVR to tape roughly 20 movies. HAPPY MEMORIAL DAY, ‘MURICA!

 

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Movies, Television

Oscars 2016 Recap

chrisrock

WHOA. If you were looking for an uplifting three and half, yes THREE AND A HALF hours on a Sunday night, you probably shouldn’t have tuned into the Oscars. Hollywood is RACIST, college campuses are RAMPANT with sexual assault and the earth is MELTING…but here are a bunch of awards for movies you probably didn’t see! YAY! Here’s a VERY cliff notes version of what you may have missed–other than a lot of scolding about how terrible we are as a human race.

-Chris Rock’s monologue was funny and succeeded in making white people feel like garbage can racists. Really could’ve used a little Michael Scott in there to ease the tension in the room.

-In efforts to speed up the longest, most boring awards show ever, the Oscars introduced the “Thank You” ticker to run onscreen as winners walked up to the stage. They hoped that by getting all the names out of the way, stars would give cool speeches that everyone can turn into powerful quote gifs, except that didn’t even a little bit happen. The show ran over by 35 minutes, everyone repeated all the names they already shouted out AIM profile style in the ticker and the speeches were DUDS.

-Stacey Dash gave everyone the uncomfies. Literally. We could see it on their faces.

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-Jared Leto suggested that I google “Merkin”, so I did. And I regretted it. #PubeWig

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-Mad Max looks scary as hell and also it won 5 awards b2b. Costume designers continue to dress like they’re going out to grab a burger. In 1995.

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-This guy killin the creepy smile/wave game and it’s essentially a mirror image of me when an attractive male looks my way.

 

-Hollywood loves Samoas just as much as they love pizza.

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-Another new addition to the awards, pop up video style facts every time someone took the stage. In theory it was informative–in reality, it became very clear which actors have never sniffed at an Oscar. Sofia Vergara’s fun fact was that she once starred in a movie with an Oscar-winner. So that’s really embarrassing.

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-Fake Suge Knight got more camera-time than J.Law. LoL to this blonde for grabbing her 15 seconds of fame though.

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-Sam Smith declared he was the first openly gay man to win an Oscar in his speech…whoops, not so fast, Sammy!

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-In probably the best bit of the night, Chris Rock trolls moviegoers in Compton. My favorite part is when Chris promises these are real movie titles and the girl replies, “Like in London and stuff?” Click here to watch.

-Jacob Tremblay finishes awards season strong as the cutest little nugget.

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Chris was gr8 in Madagascar.

-LEO WINS HIS OSCAR!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! What a BOSS.

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Golden Globes 2016 Recap

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Our first Golden Globes post the Tina and Amy era and they were sorely missed. They weren’t even physically there to at least give us a glimpse of what we were missing. Ricky Gervais is famous for hosting the Globes a whole bunch of times and then getting fired because everyone had outrage over how mean his comedy was. And he certainly welcomed himself back without toning it down an inch last night. His first joke was about Caitlyn Jenner not doing a service to female drivers. Welp, someone actually died in that car accident so I’m gonna guess this one won’t go over so well but what a nice kickoff to the evening to see the uproarious crowd laughter for something so offensive. His monologue had a lot of jabs at females all around and he gave more than a few celebs the uncomfies. Good for him. His tendency to giggle at his own jokes and his British accent pretty much get him out of everything.

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Full Discloszh: this recap may be missing a few things because my power went out mid-show like I live in a cabin out in the wilderness or something and I missed some action while the cable box slowly rebooted. The hardships I go through just to deliver a good recap. If the power tries to F with me again during Awards Season, National Grid is going to hear a thing or two from me.

Update: As of 11:21pm my power left me again only this time I was by myself and obviously convinced that someone cut it and was coming to kill me like I was Peyton Sawyer awaiting the wrath of Psycho Derek or something. #Blessed to be alive right now.

NO:

-The first bit of the night is Jonah Hill pretending to be the bear from The Revenant by making dumb jokes about honey while wearing a bear hat. It was bad on its own, but then half of it was bleeped out so what’s the fun in that? The only saving grace was hearing Channing “shitty comb over” Tatum ask Jonah what Leonardo Dicaprio tasted like.

 

-Rachel Bloom, lead actress of CW show “Crazy Ex-Girlfriend” unexpectedly wins and basically just gets onstage and shouts a lot while her boobs struggle to be freed from her very tight dress. In a one-sentence summary, my friend Lindsey said, “That was something.”

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-The Golden Globes have been happening for a while now. In which case I would assume they have had ample time to solve the seating chart sitch. There should be no waiting as winners walk from the back of the theater and weave their way through tables to get to the stage.

– Lady Gaga and Taylor Kinney just had sex on a canvas and blasted pics of it everywhere but it must not have been that good because she didn’t even thank him in her speech. She was speechless though so that’s her excuse (as the music played her out.)

-It must’ve been a real rowdy crowd this year or someone in the control room got a little slap happy with the bleep but pretty much half of the show was cut out and the crowd was constantly being shushed like a classroom full of kindergarteners. Listen, I get that you’re trying to be family friendly but there’s a way to let the adults in the room insinuate what the joke is by bleeping out a word or two. I feel like I missed half the show (or at least the best parts) because of the over-censoring.

 

YES!:

-This dead guy.

-In a show where several presenters kind of just babbled and tried out new material that didn’t work so hot, Eva Longoria and America Ferrara nailed it with their bit about being confused for other Latina actresses. Accidental racism in Hollywood, it’s funny because it’s true.

-Jaimie Alexander (who was best dressed of the night, according to me) couldn’t read the teleprompter fast enough and asked who was typing it. This conjured up images of someone ferociously typing everything backstage and made me giggle. Also as a fellow shitty teleprompter operator–c’mon Jaimie. Act like a pro and adapt.

-A Schu & J. Law introduce clips of their movies AKA they just babble a bunch of words because Hollywood–and basic betches–are obsessed with their friendship so they could’ve pretty much done anything and people would eat that shit right up.

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-Will Ferrell and Mark Wahlberg wished us a Happy New Year with their eyewear and Will politely asked everyone to stop snickering and chatting & acting like real buttholes. This might’ve been the only time I laughed out loud. Quickest way to get a full belly laugh from me is the word butthole. True story of an eight-year-old boy stuck in a 24-year-old female’s body.

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-Don’t you even think of getting in Gaga’s way, Leo.

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-Denzel wins the big award that is decided beforehand and his acceptance speech is still a hot mess. Bonus points for him and the wifey basically doing a sketch of my parents onstage though. He can’t find his speech, then he can’t read it because he doesn’t have his glasses. His wife can’t read it either because she doesn’t have her glasses. Welcome to the glasses shuffle every single time I try to show my parents something on my phone.

-Ryan Gosling drool city.

-Taraji wins for her role as Cookie and hands out cookies on her way up, which made me love her even more AND get real hungry. The sass comes out to play as she shouts at the guy helping her up the steps to get off her train. They try to play her off but they gonn’ learn that you don’t cut off Cookie. She takes her sweet ass time obviously.

-J.Law wants to be buried next to David O. Russell (Fun Fact.)

-LEO FINALLY WINS!!!!!!!! Always the bridesmaid, never the bride, Leonardo Dicaprio wins lead actor for The Revenant and of course gives a classy and composed speech, even as he’s being played off. The nerve that these turds had to play music over his long-awaited shining moment. He even found time to shout it out to his friends—~~YoU KnoW wHo u R~~ MD.BA.JL.JH

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-I feel like Ricky Gervais harassing Mel Gibson on stage should’ve been hilarious but we didn’t get to hear half of it. We did get to hear Ricky’s last words of the show: “From myself and Mel Gibson, Shalom.” PS this is what was bleeped and it made good ole Mel real uncomfy.

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In summary: If the Globes were this boring, I’m terrified for the Oscars.

Click here for full list of winners.

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Movies, Television

Best of the Worst Hallmark Holiday Movies, 2015 Edition

It’s the most WONDERFUL time of the year. Where I watch B2B cheesetastic holiday movies and visions of going home for Christmas, flirting with my high school crush, having my high school crush tell me home is where I belong (while ice skating and falling in love), and then being married to him by New Years dance in my head. HEY if Hallmark says it’s going to happen…it’s GOING TO HAPPEN. This year’s guide is a continuation of last year’s, updated to include a fresh set of flicks for judging. Read up and navigate your way through TV movie magic this season.

 

WATCH:

Tis The Season For Love- Hallmark, 2015

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Plot: Beth is one of those gals who left her hometown and high school sweetheart in the dust to pursue acting in NYC. Except when she comes home for Christmas and starts hanging out with her high school squad again she realizes that maybe it was a little hasty to take a dump on small town life when she can’t get an acting job for shit in NYC. Her ex boyfriend is married with a kid and SUPER queer (they’re still buds though) and her ex boyfriend’s BFF Dean sets his eyes on Beth now that they’re all grown up and reunited. It wouldn’t be a Christmas movie without a little magic of course, so the town Santa gives Beth the key to all her answers. A literal key that he bought at a thrift shop.

Bonus Points: The very cliché exchange of a guy and a girl making plans to hang out and the girl going “it’s a date! Well…not a date..err…uh..” I thrive on awkward sexual tension. Also Dean admitting that he ALWAYS had a crush on Beth in high school, of course.

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Naughty & Nice- Up Network, 2014

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Plot: Sandra has a radio show in Colorado a lot like Delilah but with less of a soothing voice. Pepper has a radio show a lot like porn but then gets suspended and recruited to co-host with Sandra for the time being. Obviously they hate each other because Pepper is disgusting and crass and Sandra likes to spend her free time helping middle schoolers find Christmas love. In like five minutes time their hate for each other has turned into the desire to bang and with a timely mistletoe peck their show becomes must-listen radio. Pepper’s all pervy and suggestive while Sandy scolds him like a mom. Lawlz, these two. Everything’s dandy until Pepper gets his old job back in LA and has to decide if it’s all about the Benjamins or all about the Luuuuv.

Bonus Points: A supes cringeworthy beach trip in LA where Pepper wears a black wifebeater and they make a sand snowman. I laugh out loud every time I see it. I laugh even harder when they long for each other, look at pics of that beach day and cry.

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Once Upon a Holiday- Hallmark, 2015

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Plot: Princess Katherine (from a small fictional country) is on a trip to NYC around Christmas and sad that she has no freedom to do what she wants so she sneaks away to wander around the city like a homeless person. Katie promptly gets robbed (yet is not even a little sad that they stole a vintage camera gifted from her now dead mother) and a handsome stranger named Jack tries to help her out—as strangers do in NYC. While she’s on the LAM, she spends her time with Jack in an abandoned apartment that’s under construction—has this bitch ever seen SVU?—meets his family and casj never reveals her true identity. What allows me to forgive this absolutely ridiculous plot that would never fly today with the media and everyone’s attachment to cellphones is the fact that the actress Brianna Evignan has the best kind of Brooke Davis raspy voice and I immediately am mesmerized when she speaks. The guy’s cute too but like a dream raspy voice is what sold me.

Bonus Points: On their first “date” (once they’ve learned each other’s names), Jack gets Katie street meat with the works and tells her to “just get in there.” That’s my kinda dream date right thurr.

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Best Christmas Party Ever- Hallmark, 2014

bestchristmaspartyever

Plot: Jenny is a tightwad party planner and Nick has returned to learn the family biz so he’s prepared to take over for his aunt when she retires. Nick has a little time on his hands because he can’t land an acting gig in Hollywood but he’s charming AF and has jokes for days so obviously he irritates Jenny, who couldn’t tell a funny if her life depended on it. She dates a stuffy jerk from a corporation while Nick has a model girlfriend. Do you think that while planning the big Christmas party these two might realize that annoying the shit out of each other actually means they’re in L-O-V-E? I mean how could she not…this boy would make a nun swoon.

Bonus Points: Jenny’s lamewad “boyfriend” Todd fires her because she won’t agree to throw his company a sleazy Christmas party full of bitches and Ferarris. ALSO When Nick asks Jenny why she’s single she says “no one will ever live up to my dad who died two years ago.” Boner Kill.

 

A Christmas Kiss II- Ion, 2014

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I will go so far as to say this was one of my favorite holiday movies I’ve seen in the past five years, and as you can see…I watch a lot of them. Also, the movie is sponsored by Kay Jewelers so you might guess how it ends.

Plot: Jenna—a former Clean Teen for all you OTH fans—ditched her previously moral values to mack it up with a stranger under the mistletoe in an elevator at work (while dressed like a slutty Santa for a modeling gig.) Turns out that stranger is Cooper, her boss’s brother and a real big whore. Right away I was all for this movie. It was like five minutes in and we had an elevator slobber fest like it was a steamy scene from a romance novel. You know how long it takes for Hallmark characters to kiss? An entire movie. And it’s usually no tonguesies. Anyway…Jenna tries to avoid Cooper’s advances because he’s a playboy and she doesn’t want her heart broken. She also has a hot neighbor whose hair looks sexy pushed back, for extra eye candy in this flick, if you catch my drift. Only time, and a bunch of sloppy elevator kisses will tell if Jenna learns to listen to her vagina.

Bonus Points: There are a lot. Cooper is shirtless for 90% of this movie gratuitiously. He also snakes a copy of one of her sexy Santa pics that he keeps with him at all times should the mood for a solo session arise. Cooper has a crazy bitch ex-girlfriend who comes over and takes kissy selfies with him while he’s unconscious…date rape-question mark.
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SKIP:

Christmas Inc.- Hallmark, 2015

Christmas Incorporated Final Photo Assets

Plot: Will takes over his dad’s supes successful company at like 25 or something and Riley snags a job as his assistant accidentally through another Riley’s resume with more experience. She keeps that info on the DL in order to prove herself but obviously it’s revealed after Will has become obsessed with her and it’s like the betrayal of the century, or something. No really, Will CANNOT get over that she got the job on false pretenses even though she singlehandedly saved a factory. To top it all off, Riley’s hair looks like it has a ponytail crease in it the whole movie, and I wish someone in wardrobe noticed and got her a new curling wand for Christmas instead of a rich, hot boyfriend.

WORST: Will makes Riley dinner one night and woos her by saying she reminds him of his grandmother. Cringez 4 dayz. At least her response is on point with, “Every girl is dying to hear she reminds a guy of his grandmother.”

 

Merry Kissmas- Ion, 2015

MerryKissmas

Fun fact: This is a linked movie with the aforementioned Christmas Kiss II. Basically Ion makes a version of the same movie every year, because every kiss begins with Kay, obviously.

Plot: I was keeping my fingers crossed for a Jenna and Cooper cameo in this one but it never happened. Instead it was the most boring and confusing movie ever. Kayla is engaged to a white Carlton who is kind of famous in that he directs the Nutcracker or something. Then she macks it up with the caterer for her engagement party in the magic mistletoe elevator and just casually doesn’t tell him she’s engaged. Then the engagement ends? Maybe? I’m not really sure because Carlton remains relevant for the rest of the movie and I hated it a lot. So basically Kayla is dating Dustin the caterer but still lives with Carlton and acts like his fiancé. It’s really weird. For such a banger of a holiday movie name this one really sucked.

WORST: Kayla throws out a lot of closed mouth smiles. There’s an irrelevant store owner with a shit accent at the beginning of the movie who randomly chases Kayla for like 5 miles. Kayla SOOKS at breaking up with people—the best is when she storms off to give Carlton a piece of her mind and ends up telling him he’s amazing a bunch of times.

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12 Gifts of Christmas- Hallmark, 2015

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Plot: Anna is a personal shopper for Marc who works 24/7 and never kicks it with his family. He doesn’t even know what to get them for Christmas so he hired someone to figure it out for him. Hey Marc, a bottle of liquor or a nice picture frame will do. Be smarter. Obviously Anna brings out the Christmas spirit in Marc, getting him to work less and spend more time with his family.

WORST: Christmas music shopping montage with trying on goofy hats. Too many kid interactions for my liking, lots of nieces and nephews in the mix. On their first date Anna asks, “Do I look OK?” And he responds, “I’m not sure. You’re missing this…” and gives her a gold necklace with an art easel because she likes painting. UGH SO TACKY.

A Christmas Detour- Hallmark, 2015

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Plot: Paige is a twat wedding magazine writer planning a suuuuuper bougie wedding to her perfect fiancé. She’s on her way to their first Christmas with the in-laws when her flight is detoured in Buffalo and she’s stuck driving to NYC in a snowstorm with Dylan, the hottie who sat next to her on the plane. Overall I’d say this movie blows because Paige is insufferable. She carries her wedding vision board every time she changes rooms, wah wahs to strangers about her wedding and has a diary with a checklist for her perfect guy. Apparently her fiancé doesn’t make her laugh but this guy Dylan does so like it’s true loooooove.

WORST: There’s a sideline story about a married couple that was trying way too hard to upstage the main characters. Oh, boohoo you’ve been married 20 years and you’ve lost the spark. Maybz try spending time alone with each other instead of acting like you’re BFF’s with a bunch of airport strangers. Just a thought. christmasdetourextracouple

Christmas Belle- Ion, 2013

christmasbelle

I feel like it’s my civic duty to make sure that no one ever watches this abomination that is somehow called a movie.

Plot: A ratchet Christmas rip-off of Beauty and the Beast. Belle is hired to come manage an estate sale for this rich guy Hunter’s dad. Hunter is a real jackass and basically just yells at her all the time, mostly for being in the greenroom, where she absolutely SHOULD NOT BE rearranging his plants. She somehow falls in love with this ogre who is not a beast at all—in fact he regularly shows off his pecs…probably why she’s willing to overlook his butthole personality.

WORST: A soundtrack of creepy music plays throughout this entire movie. Whether the characters are speaking or not, there is irrelevant and quite distracting background music. It makes me want to throw things at the TV.

The Christmas Parade- Hallmark, 2014

Plot: Hailee is a news reporter sentenced to 25 hours of community service in Carver Bend (“Where Christmas Comes Home”…no really that’s what the town sign says) for driving into a judge’s fence. She’s a bitch who hates Christmas but once she starts working with cutie teacher Beck and the town’s Arts center to build a float for the Christmas parade, suddenly she’s bursting with festive joy. Oh she’s also got a fiancé whose trying to sabotage the Arts center, or whatever. But love at Christmas ALWAYS WINS. There’s just too much of everything in this movie, mostly AnnaLynne McCord who I remembered I hate.

WORST: Actual conversation: Beck- “God bless broken roads, right?!” Hailee- “They lead to the best destinations.” Okay, Rascal Flatts. Do less. Beck also gives Hailee a painting of herself that’s preettttyyyyy creepy and triggers pre-crime red flags for me.

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Merry Christmas, everyone–I hope this painting haunts your dreams!

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Movies

Hocus Pocus Season Is Upon Thee

HocusPocus

It’s October…a month when pumpkin spice assaults every food, drink & aroma, you didn’t really go apple picking with your boyfriend unless you instagrammed it, and MOST IMPORTANTLY the only month it’s acceptable to watch Hocus Pocus. I don’t get down with off-season holiday movie viewing. It’s not ok to watch Christmas movies in July and I’ll never allow an early or late Hocus Pocus viewing. It feels sacrilegious. Anyway everyone knows this was the greatest Halloween movie ever made and rather than try to convince you of that (you should need no convincing), I’d prefer to thank the creators of Hocus Pocus for gifting us with so many things, five of which I detail below.

1. Yabbos. Did you ever think this word could be used to describe a top notch rack? No you probably didn’t, but that’s what’s so great about pervy Max Dennison letting it slip to his annoying little sis that he was all about Allison’s yabbos. There are several slang words for boobs but yabbos will always take the cake–just silly enough to illicit a laugh, but not downright inapprops like “tits”.

yabbos Max-Allison-Hocus-Pocus

2. Halloween Music. Normally we’re more of a Christmas music nation but why can’t Halloween music be a thing? Oh, because it doesn’t really exist. Well fret no more because the Sanderson Sisters are back and they’re here to put a spell on our ears. Once you forget about the fact that this song is actually their way of keeping the parents distracted while they snatch up all their kids and drink their souls…you can focus on how it’s a real banger. Now dance, DANCE UNTIL YOU DIIIIIEEEEE.

The second song in this movie is probably more for the acquired ear because it’s terrifying and creepy but hey…so is Halloween! Put on this little number when you’re getting ready to lure a bunch of kids to your cabin in the woods so that you can snag their spirits and become young and beautiful. I don’t need it right now, but maybe in a few years I’ll start learning the words. (Not for nothing, but aren’t Sarah’s yabbo’s a liiiittttle distracting during this broom-writhing performance?)

3. The only cat I’ll ever love. Look, it’s no secret that I’m team dog 1000%. Dogs are cute, cuddly, loyal and fun. Cats are shady MF’ers who stalk around the house and plot your impending death. HOWEVER, I will gladly bite my tongue about cats when it comes to Thackary Binx. Thackary is the redemption for all cats, mostly because he’s actually a rather adorbs seventeenth century boy who looks out for Max, Dani & Allison.  He also gets pretty sassy with the sisters and often reminds Max what a virgin loser he is for lighting the black flame candle. Hey–it’s not like he can die, so why not dish it out?

hocuspocus_binx thackary

4. Booooooooook. It’s not every day that a regular inanimate object gets it’s own singing cat call. Winifred’s call for her spell book is something that still lives on today because it’s funny and everyone can appreciate a good throaty book call. Something that goes hand in hand with this for no reason at all is Winifred’s infamous bucked teeth that reside on the outside of her mouth. For example, I happened to be at a bar last winter and a girl was there with teeth that just wouldn’t fit behind her lips and all I had to say was that girl has Winifred teeth and everyone understood what was up. Boom. Roasted.

boooooooooook

5. A slutty Disney witch. Forget about slutty Disney princesses, Hocus Pocus gave us Sarah, a dum dum who would much rather slow dance with the devil or make out with a mummy than snatch up some kids. Carrie Bradshaw, who? SJP plays her best character with Sarah and brings most of the laughs (#2 is clearly Mary the side-mouthing moron.) Anyway, it’s always delightful when you’re little and inappropriate jokes fly right over your head then you re-watch the movie and see that it was actually really dirrty. Sitting on the bus driver’s lap pretty much sums that up. Thank you for being you, Sarah.

pervybusdriver beautiful   playmummyHocuspocusAMUCK

Now get watching or… gotohell

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