Tag Archives: Jimmy Fallon

JUice

Weekly JUice

Week of 1/25/2021

1. No Sweet Dream.

Well this was an unwelcome surprise. My gurl Halsey is the latest to join the celebrity baby train in total oops fashion. Even though I salivate at the thought of breaking a shocking pregnancy and screenshotted the announcement to several people in hopes of scooping, I do not approve. At the time of announcement, it wasn’t public info if she even had a boyfriend. Then via this instagram, her boyfriend commented and suddenly within hours there were 900 articles deep diving into who Halsey’s baby daddy is. Here’s what I learned and I’m happy to share with you. His name is Alev Aydin, he’s 37 (Halsey is 26), he’s a Turkish screenwriter, they got matching tattoos of the word “seeds” on their feet, and according to sources “they’ve been dating for a few months.” According to sources or ACCORDING TO THE ANNOUNCEMENT THAT HE PUT A BABY IN HER? Like come on with this lazy journalism. Ya gotta be a real detective to understand that women typically announce they’re pregnant 3 months along but BREAKING NEWS they’ve been dating for three months. Anyway, here’s a picture of these two getting their rando tats together, which will last infinitely longer than this relationship. You know what’s forever? A baby. You know what’s not? A couple that makes a baby on their first date. #Science.

It may sound like I’m being a little harsh and let me make this crystal clear…I think Halsey has one of the most beautiful raspy voices of all time. I love her music, I think she’s wildly talented. I also think she’s naturally beautiful. Take all the junk away and she’s stunning. (Unfortunately she adds a lot of junk…between the tats, zany hair & makeup and trashy outfits.) That being said, I will never be on board with the ‘have babies because it’s trendy’ movement that seems to take young Hollywood by storm. You’re young and at the peak of your career, just like do your twenties and have a ball and then do the mom thing a little bit later. You have time! You can still wear matching designer duds with your child when you’re in your 30’s. I’ve been watching Real Housewives of NY from the start. These ladies were popping out kids in their 50’s (lookin at you, Cindy) and parading them around for looks then handing them off to the nannies. YOU HAVE TIME! Anyway, that’s my rant about that, which should be enough but then I saw this photo and got RE-TRIGGERED.

WHY WOULD YOU GET A TATTOO THERE?! WHy WHY WHYWHy. Halsey. Please. JUST BE NORMAL. Tattooing baby directly where your baby is living IS NOT NORMAL. Is that even legal? Can you literally buzz a needle into your skin while your baby is in there beeboppin around in fluids? Even if it is legal, I feel like the tattoo artist has a moral obligation to be like sweetie, this is going to stretch out until it’s unreadable and then shrivel back down with lumpy dumpy stretch marks. Maybe just write it in pen instead, mmmk? I double dog dare Halsey to give us an after-birth shot of this tat. Obviously I have a lot of anger about the pending oops baby (and life in general) and before I heard the news, I happened to be driving along when Nightmare came on shuffle and I’ve never performed a song harder while driving. There was head banging and screaming. So if anyone is working through some stuff like I am, might I direct you to this little ditty because nothing feels more rewarding than unbottling your rage into the “I waited a while for a moment to say I DON’T OWE YOU A G-D THING” build-up.

2. Mighty Sucks.

I debated not even doing a blog this week because it’s been the actual worst and typically when I’m real down in the dumps I can’t be funny because everything just blows. But then I started writing and went off on a tangent and now I’m basically just writing this blog so I can get my untethered rage out. This very quickly became my second therapy sesh of the week. If you’re a generally positive and upbeat person, please see yourself out. This week’s blog is not for you. If you like to scream at inanimate objects or watch the world burn, WELCOME, MY FRIEND. In my second rant of this week, this little teaseroni for the Mighty Ducks reboot came out and it SUUUUUUUUUUUCKKKKKS. MIGHTY. SUCKZ. (Good one, Julia. OMG I KNOW RIGHT?!) We knew it was going to suck anyway because Disney + reboots are for infants and therefore the actual generation that grew up on the Ducks flying together will not appreciate this very kid-centric series. On top of that we have Lauren Graham which seems random as hell and just from this little snippet, I was already bored with her character. I guess her son sucks at hockey and she supports him enough to start a band of yellow-bellied losers led by the biggest loser of them all, Coach Bombay. Don’t get me wrong, Coach Bombay used to be cool as hell snatchin up all the ladies, skating in a flying V and coaching a bunch of misfits to victory. But did you see him in this trailer? WOOF, DUDE. Clean it up. There’s absolutely no hope for this reboot unless we get OG cameos from Goldberg, Charlie, The Bash Bros, Kenny Wu Wu, Julie the Cat Gaffney, even stupid rich boy Adam Banks. You toss a knuckle puck and a few appearances into this and we’ll talk but otherwise I’m OUT.

3. Robin Williams is a Gem.

That weird bird Rami Malek was on the Tonight show this week and shared this tidbit about working with Robin Williams at the end of his life. Although this story did not give me chills, it did make me miss Robin Williams. I was just carrying on with my garb life not thinking about how we tragically lost Robin Williams too soon and then Jimmy and Rami have to DRUM THOSE SADS UP AGAIN. Thanks, guys. I love that Robin was the guy on set telling everyone to get off their damn phones. That checks out. Classic dad move. Hey everyone, BE PRESENT. Bet they all feel like a buncha dicks now. Anyway, related to celebrity deaths but unrelated to this story, I’ve been rewatching How I Met Your Mother as my sleepytime show and last week I hit the episode where Marshall is trying to find the best burger in NYC and Regis is featured and as soon as I saw his cherub face I remembered once again that he’s gone and it made me miss him too. I’M TOO FRAGILE FOR THIS SHIT. Miss u Robin, Miss u Rege.

4. Disney Love Triangle.

I debated about covering this for the past few weeks but it’s still playing out and now it’s just downright hilarious so since I’ve already come in hot this week with the judgment, let’s learn about the latest love triangle rocking the world of Disney. Here’s the backstory, use the above photo for visual reference. Olivia (brunette) and Josh (JT wannabe in the middle) both starred in Disney’s show “High School Musical: The Musical — The Series” (sick name – insert deep eye roll here) and it was rumored that they had a little co-star fling. Tale as old as time, duetting leads to love. Then this past summer, Josh was publicly attached to Sabrina Carpenter (known by me as the female Shawn Hunter of Girl Meets World.) This probably would’ve gone quietly into the night as nothing but Olivia dropped a song a few weeks ago called “drivers license” and the world lost their minds. Not only is it a classic breakup song that will be the “All Too Well” of her teenie bopper fans, but she has a killer voice oh and no big deal but Taylor Swift gave it a stamp of approval. Apparently inspired by Taylor, Olivia also writes her own songs drawn from personal experiences. It became very clear that this song was about Josh dropping her ass for Sabrina. Except nothing about it was malicious. There was one little line about how he left her for a blonde. That’s it. The rest was just about how much is blows to be heartbroken. Here’s the song:

If we were dealing with adults, everyone would’ve been like kewl good song. Happy 4 u. But we’re dealing with children. So a week later, that curly-headed f*ck Josh releases “Lie Lie Lie” and declares it’s about getting close to someone and then they spread lies about you. COME ON, DUDE. It’s 2021. The WERST thing you can do for your image/career/life right now is publicly call a girl a liar when all she did was write a song about how sad and heartbroken she is. Whaaaaaat a douchenozzle. I hate this guy already.

AND THEN as if that wasn’t enough… a week or two later, Sabrina releases HER response track. CLASSIC case of hitting back harder for literally no reason. Here it is:

SABRINA. You got the guy AND you were never dragged in Olivia’s song, WHY YOU GOTTA BE LIKE THAT?! Sh-Sh-Shut your mouth. Now you look threatened & insecure as hell. “You can try to get under my skin while he’s on mine” WHAT A BITCH MOVE. I gotta go #TeamOlivia here. What a bad play. Not only is she releasing a song 100% knowing it’ll get more publicity because she’s in this little HSM threesome, but the song is rude as hell. Also important to note: it’s pretty damn catchy. I’ll give her that. Obviously there was dramatic backlash, Olivia immediately posted a video looking casj listening to Taylor Swift’s “Are You Ready For It”, Josh tried to promote both songs on his social media saying they were great but lookin like a real two-timing wiener and Sabrina released this statement:

Obviously she got under your skin, dumbass, you wrote a whole song trying to prove that you were unbothered. All teen drama aside, the biggest takeaway here is that music is 9 trillion times better when there’s drama behind it, which is why Taylor Swift is a powerhouse of writing bangpiece songs about real life things that have happened to her. Also, out of all three songs, Josh’s song is most obviously the worst. #GirlPower Did they all just play us by creating this Disney drama to get more attention to their music? It’s possible. If so, hats off to that Mickey Mouse marketing machine. But knowing how dramatic youths are these days, there’s a large probability that we just saw high school “she stole my boyfriend and I’m going to cry and write in my diary about it” play out via song IRL. And that’s your weekly installment of The Salty Ju reports what 15 year olds are talkin about this week. You’re welcome. *puts drivers license on and slowly circles the block with it blasting out the windows & tears rolling down my face*

5. DID WE MAKE THE RIGHT DECISION?!

I didn’t want to include this but being that it’s my bitchy week and there’s literally nothing else going on, why not pile on these turds as well. WHAT AN ART FORM IT IS TO PRETEND LIKE THE KARDASHIANS DO. The waterworks, the sappy Harry Styles song, the nostalgia and flashbacks and ending it with a dramatic as hell Kris Jenner saying “Did we make the right decision by walking away?” GOD, this family knows how to lay it on thick. I mean claps for them because that’s why they’re bajillionaires and I am not. But what a dog and pony show this LESS THAN A MINUTE teaser is. Now that we all know that the Kardashians will never go away and they just decided to move their 24/7 broadcast of their lives over to a paid subscription on Hulu, you can’t put the toothpaste back in the tube and make it seem like you came to this heart-wrenching decision to shut the cameras off forever. Cut the shit. You’ll ETERNALLY be milking your rich and fabulous lives on camera for paychecks. Dry those crocodile tears because I bet 5 minutes after this season wrapped you were bringing in a new camera crew for the reboot. AND THAT’S THE MOTHAF*CKIN’ TEA.

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JUice

Weekly JUice

Week of 5/11/2020

Happy Friday and HAPPY BIRTHDAY!!!

If you know me you know that I don’t make a big deal about my birthday. Just kidding, if you haven’t sent me a gift and/or birthday wishes deeper than an “HBD” Facebook post, you’re dead to me. Now let’s dive into breaking news this week other than me being one year away from turning thirty and still living in complete and utter shamblez.

1. The Office Wedding.

The only downfall of John Krasinski’s Some Good News is that it comes out at the beginning of the week so everyone has already yapped it to death by the end of the week. But this reunion deserves a shoutout. Pam & Jim’s wedding with the entire office recreating the JK Wedding Dance is an iconic moment and the fact that they all were able to deliver that to us in the shitty year of our Lord 2020 is definitely SOME GOOD NEWS.  Knocked it out of the park with that one, JK. (Wedding starts around the 8 minute mark if you’re not interested in anything other than celebrities…if you’re actually a good person who cares about the world, feel free to watch in full.) And might I add that Dwight kicking a bridesmaid directly in the face in the original episode is laugh out loud hilarious and when he recreated it I still burst into a fit of giggles. Guess I just really like watching bitches get kicked in the moneymaker. Other than allowing us all to enjoy a flashback to when we could shamelessly enjoy Chris Brown’s Forever without feeling guilty that he turned out to be such a dirtbag, John also invited Zac Brown on to sing the bride down the aisle with a new tune and it got REAL dusty when that happened. That handsome devil John has managed to make me cry at literally every one of these episodes he does. If I may complain though (I don’t know how not to) it was weird as hell watching someone surprise get married on Zoom. Like I feel like a little preparation or further instruction wouldn’t have hurt in this scenario. The bride is supposed to be “walking” down the aisle and yet we’re all just sitting there staring at everyone’s faces while Zac plays a lick. Even when Forever comes on everyone pretty much stayed seated. You’re gonna tell me that ONE TWO THREE FOUR hits your speakers and you’re NOT immediately dropping it down low?! Like come on, if you’re gonna have John Krasinski officiate your wedding and bring all of his celebrity friends you really gotta go for it. Felt a little stiff, TBH. And for my final complaint, he invited their parents on and her old ass dad barely got a peep in ON HIS DAUGHTER’S WEDDING DAY. (My dad would never stand for that.) Were they Zoom muted?! And of course his only comment was we never thought this moment would come. Burn city, Population: Susan. For more Office superfan content, Jim also went on the Office Ladies podcast to recap the Casino Night episode and shared tidbits about their first kiss and how he kept the original teapot gift from the show. I would have listened to the episode to get more juice but I committed to the first episode of this podcast when it dropped and wanted to chop my ears off SO badly from how annoying these two were that I couldn’t fathom listening to anymore. I’m a fan but I won’t put myself through that, even for BTS deets.

2. Jerry Stiller.

We lost a classic comedy actor this week and honestly the roles that I remember him for are what are considered as his “second act” and even those were iconic, which means I can’t even imagine everything he did before I was even born. I love the fact that Jerry and Anne were a comedy duo and still managed to stay together for 62 years. SIXTY. TWO. That’s unreal. They worked together, didn’t kill each other and stayed in love and laughing forever. That’s the dream right there. To be clear, the dream is that someone finds me funny for 62 years. The never-ending love thing seems suspicious. Either way, Jerry lived a full life in show biz and gave us a lot of memorable characters. It says everything about me that one of the first ones I thought of was him and Anne in Heavyweights as the Bushkins who get pushed out by Tony Perkis. Hi-Hi-HIYA! I guess that’s why when we all went around the room in film class in college and were asked to share our favorite movie, I said Heavyweights while everyone else named Oscar-winning films. But I digress. Jerry played dramatic outrage like nobody else and had the ability to make shouting pretty hilarious and not at all abrasive. And for that among a billion other things, he’ll be remembered.

3. Anotha Quarantine Divorce.

mk-olivier

To be completely up front with you, when I read the headline that MK was getting a divorce, I honestly had to think long and hard as to when she even got married. Then I scolded myself because I included her wedding in the JUice because they had BOWLS OF CIGGS at it. And honestly, HOW COULD I FORGET THAT?! MK probably wore a black cloak as her wedding gown, marries a French banker and they encourage everyone to celebrate their union with unlimited puffs. Unfortunately for us all, a very smoky wedding does not a successful marriage guarantee. Unfortunately for MK, the state of NY does not find a divorce filing supes essential during COVID times and therefore it’s being tabled. She also tried to file an emergency order because apparently Sarkozy terminated their NY lease and told her to get the hell out. So basically as we all have learned, divorce sucks already and then you throw fame and a national pandemic in the mix and shit really starts popping off. Here’s hoping Ash can help a sister out in a New York Minute.

ciggyMK

PS I would be a terrible blogger if while blogging about a divorce of a couple that probably had no biz being together to begin with, I didn’t include their most iconic photo together. Cause nothing says forever love like forcefully holding someone’s head in place to smooch them.

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PPS Last night my sister said the phrase so little time, which triggered me to sing the theme song from MK&A’s WORST show (Two of a Kind was their best, obviously)–I was a little rosé buzzed last night so I thought I was being hilarious–but that song is a BANGPIECE. So let’s all enjoy it as we say farewell to MK’s marriage.

so little time

4. Kaitlyn Bristowe: Popstar Edition.

KB’s really going for broke this Quarantine szn. She already has a podcast, scrunchie/hair accessory line, wine label, live tour of her podcast (obviously had to be cancelled) and does various appearances for Bachelor-related things. Last week she dropped a Youtube show and this week it’s a single. And you know what? If I had a following like hers that was willing to drop $22 on a regular ass scrunchie, I’d try it all too. The only thing stopping me from being a total attention whore is that I don’t have a following. She releases this very mediocre, produced pop country (can we really call it country?) song and it’s a best seller on Apple music just because of how many fans she has that worship whatever she does. And again, I’m jelly. This is coming from a jealous place. I mean people were comparing her to Taylor Swift. Give the song a listen and let me know if that sounds like  a T.Swift joint. Am I going to probably download it anyway? If I’m being honest…yeah. I’m probably also going to re-watch the first episode of her Youtube series where she talks about moving back home in her late twenties after a breakup and being depressed AF before going on the Bachelor and becoming D-list famous so that I can visualize that for myself as well. Maybe by my 34th birthday I’ll talk about how I went from making TikToks about hand sanitizer that had 0 views to becoming the next Joan Rivers. You know how people make vision boards? That’s mine. Frame it. We’ll circle back in a few years. Wouldn’t hate having my own Rosé either. Add that to the list. And nail some choreography for real and not in a “but you still look like you’re having fun” way. But that’s all. K, I’m done.

@thesaltyju

The spray hand sani is a real game changer. 🤙🏽 #covid19 #thisshitbehittingdifferent #HandWashChallenge #fyp #staysafe #clubcorona #handsani #patron

♬ Griztronics – GRiZ & Subtronics

@thesaltyju

If you don’t also scream sing HE LOOKS UP GRINNING LIKE A DEVIL, are you even a Taylor Swift fan? #cruelsummer #taylorswift #fyp #swiftie #lover

♬ orijinal ses – taylor_swift13.3

Also we get it…you guys LOVE AND SUPPORT EACH OTHER. Ugh. ALL the eye rolls in the world. It’s not taking a risk if you sell out scrunchies in a matter of seconds…you know you have fans that will buy your product whatever it may be. K, bye for real now.

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KB releasing a song today is just another depiction of her manifesting the dreams she had always envisioned. It’s a testament of her ability to conquer her fears of failure and pursue unchartered territory with a refreshing perspective. We live in a culture with significant societal pressures & Kaitlyn has a remarkable way of converting negative energy directed her way into a motivational energy source to succeed. Her commitment to lead the life she always imagined is contagious & empowering. The celebration today isn’t about the fact you’re clobbering today’s music charts – #1 in Canada and #3 in the US (…not a big deal) but that you’re crossing another dream off the bucket list! #ifimbeinghonest

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If I’m being honest, I didn’t think I would ever release this song. I was too afraid, insecure, and kept doing the classic “what if”. I don’t know who needs to hear this but f*ck the what if’s. This uncertain time has shed light on how important time is. So while this song has been collecting dust for over a year, I’ve finally decided to share it with you. Singing has always been something that makes my heart happy. So if I’m being honest, Im still feeling insecure, yet PROUD to share this with you now. I even think we can all relate to the lyrics right now. It’s available wherever you get your music or my bio. Love you guys. Thank you. #IfImBeingHonest Also huge shout out to @jennifer_denmark @savannahkeyesmusic for helping me write this, and @itsmikemiller for producing it.

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5. Lizzie McGuire Gang Hang.

I was hoping something more newsworthy would come through because I know there’s a VERY small Lizzie McGuire demographic here but alas not much was popping this week. I expect 0 of you to sit through a cast table read of a Lizzie McGuire episode about her buying her first bra like I did, so I’m happy to sum it up for you. They chose to read this episode because it was controversial at the time for the Disney channel to be covering puberty and development. They could only say bra a certain number of times and they could only show a pile of bras and not one singular bra. HOW WEIRD IS THAT. Disney channel, RELAX. It’s also relevant as they do the reboot because Hilary has been very outspoken about how Disney plus is really putting a damper on what they can and cannot do and now that they’re portraying a 30 year old, they’re gonna need to get past bras being taboo. So I think we can all go ahead and assume that reboot will never see the light of day. The cast seemed to all get along and they reminisced about how they were a family on set. Gordo has a DISGUSTING mustache and looks like a 70’s porn star and the girls of the cast talked about how they were literally buying their first bras as they were filming this show so it was a little awksies. If you want to read more about how great Lizzie Mcguire was, feel free to check out the blog I wrote 100 years ago where I also talk about begging my mom to get a bra. Now I get mad if I have to put one on. Oh how the turn tables. It was also ironic for Hilary to be reading her part as Lizzie trying on her first bra while her boobs were literally busting out of the top of her tank. Get it gurl. (Unfortunately no mention of the epic Lizzie McGuire movie and Paolo, or a shitty Italian accent from Lizzie, which I feel like we all need in these trying times. She did pronounce Oboe wrong though, so I guess there’s that.)

BONUS: Jimmy Fallon is still producing the tonight show from his home and I find any sort of group video call where they can all sing together and sound harmonized very impressive, so jam out to this little diddy they released this week. Brendon Urie has a phenomenal voice and I feel like I shit on him a little bit last year when he was featured on ME!, so I’m giving him credit now…a year later.

 

BIRTHDAY BONUS:

Here’s the part where I might normally be like hopefully this is my best year yet! But I learned from my mistakes last year. You would think physically choking on a hunk of raw zucchini that a hibachi chef fireballed down my throat, being moments away from getting the Heimlich from one of my friends who happens to be a nurse and then dry heaving that zucc chunk up underneath the table all before dinner even started would have been SOME SORT OF SIGN THAT 28 WAS VERY MUCH NOT GOING TO BE MY YEAR, but alas I was a little slow on the uptake. So given that I’m turning 29 in quarantine as the world burns before our very eyes and we’re forced to trust humanity to follow rules, wash themselves and keep us all alive (plus I’m unemployed AF & going on month 6 of living with my parents), I’m just gonna go ahead and say: feel like 29’s not gonna be my year. If it is, I’ll be pleasantly surprised. When it’s not, I’ll just shrug my shoulders and be able to say my favorite phrase on this earth TOLD YA SO!

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JUice

Weekly JUice

Week of 4/13/2020

1. Another Wronged 90’s Comeback.

The much hyped SBTB reboot with the return of Slater, Jessie, Zack & Kelly as parents of Bayside’s high school students has decided to drop a morsel in our quarantined state and honestly I wish they would take it back. I’m cooped up inside because the sky can’t stop dumping snow and icy winds down upon us and now I’ve gotta watch a VERY old looking Mama remind us that the good ole days of Bayside High were 30 years ago?! Uh uh, honey. I watched this teaser twice and that was two times too many. Tale as old as time, shows that were classic and hilarious in the 90’s want to strike again with a the kids are now parents comeback and it ALWAYS blooooooows. It’s campy and cheesy and the writing is tacky and they play into the same jokes and the nostalgia is 1000% NOT there. It ruins everything. Looking at you, Fuller House and Girl Meets World. Enough is enough. I don’t want to see Zack as a dad after I got to know him as a troublemaker man-whore who once dated a girl in a wheelchair and reminded her she was disabled every 30 seconds. I don’t want to learn that Slater is still ho’ing out in his middle age and reliving the past by being a high school gym teacher who relates everything back to his own high school years. 90’s reunions can be done in a late night bit where the jokes can be inapprops and the actors are making fun of themselves and THAT’S IT. The Salty Ju has dropped the ruling. We are done with 90’s sitcom reboots.

2. Brit & JT 4eva.

If you ever want to step outside of reality, I highly recommend taking a stroll through Britney Spears insta. Girl makes some of the weirdest videos on a daily basis. Trying on clothes and doing a fashion show or “dancing” like the one above. Also, she’s serving a WHOLE lotta choker. As someone who went through this trend hard 3 years ago, I think we can all agree it’s over. Either way, this week Brit made some waves when she danced to Filthy and casj called JT a genius. “We had one of the world’s biggest breakups 20 years ago” Ho Hum. Understatement of the century. How about “we crushed matching denim separates and then I cheated on him and he wrote a bangpiece song as a result.” I’d give her more credit if she was dancing to Cry Me a River because THAT was genius. Right down to the Britney look-alike in the video. Obviously, there was no response from JT, probs because he’s still on probation with Jess.

3. The Internet is Bored.

The internet tried to call the cops on Bubbles for “abusing” his wife in the above video clip. Because yes, people who beat their wives do it on Instagram live to millions of followers. If you’ve never caught an elbow from your man are you even in a relationship? Like let’s all relax and devote our hate to cancelling the Saved by the Bell reboot instead of biting the hand that feeds you. These two have been doing a live instagram every single day to entertain their fans and the fans responded by whistleblowing some playful ‘bows. Lupey responded but it was all in Spanish so I’ll save you the google translation and let you know that she told everyone to shut the hell up and MYOB. She loves her hubs and she’s not just saying that because he got grabby with her. ALL IS WELL.

4. No More Dating Shows.

I think we can all agree that what we aren’t lacking in TV is reality dating shows. There’s 9 trillion ways to marry people off in a three week period and we certainly don’t need one more. But don’t worry, Fox read the room and decided that yes we most certainly need another.  BUT THIS ISN’T JUST ANOTHER BACHELOR. Nope absolutely not. This is The Bachelorette for olds. Anyone whose watched one second of the Bachelor franchise knows that the girls keep getting younger and younger each season, hoping to find love or even better–more instagram followers. Fox said cut the shit and decided to dig Charlotte from Sex and the City up to help a 41 year old singleton find someone to put a baby in her before the cobwebs take over her nethers and it’s no longer possible to force a human head out. Also important to note that The newest Bachelorette is also pushing 40 so clearly the execs at ABC caught wind of this new show and wanted to prove that they’re not ageist. K. If America telling women that if they’re not married and with child by 35, they’re not doing life right–putting 40 somethings in an embarrassing reality dating competition IS SO MUCH WORSE. Please make it stop. If it sounds like I’m hating everything this week, please know that I am and that I tried really hard to find worthy things to talk about and honestly there was NOT A LOT. SO deal with it.

5. Fre$h Beatz.

We may have another month of staying indoors but that hasn’t stopped singers from dropping new heaters for us to listen to and probably never see performed live again. This week brings a Demi/Sam collab with some gay olympics, Kelly Clarkson reminding us all to stop being dirt humans when everything is falling apart, and blue-eyed babe soda Brett coming back after a VERY DRY 3 years of no music with a little piano tune about some lucky bitch named Gabrielle. Have a peaceful weekend.

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JUice

Weekly JUice

Week of 4/6/2020

1. JT World Tour. 

Just because shit isn’t taping at a studio, doesn’t mean we are spared press tours. JT is the latest to be making the rounds hawking Trolls World Tour–which is one of the first movies to go right to streaming rental, bypassing the movie theaters. (Whole other argument, but we shouldn’t be forced to pay $20 to watch a movie at home. Reserve that bend over pricing for seats that somewhat recline, a 50 ft movie screen and movie theater popcorn that is so buttery your hands are legit greased over. If that’s not the environment I’m viewing the movie in, I will pay no more than 0 dollars. Tysm.) ANYWAY, JT is all over the damn place this week. Kickin it with J.Fall for bro hour on the Tonight Show, dropping new music videos, doing radio interviews and he even made an appearance on Hot Wings, the YouTube show where celebrities eat spicy wings and try not to immediately have explosive hot diarrhea tear out of their butthole while they answer questions about their life. I would embed that video here but it was 30 minutes of JT saying the wings were hot and he was going to need a toilet later. So really, I’m sparing y’all. As a very public JT fangirl, I can be completely honest with you and say that quarantine press does not agree with him. I got excited to see his bits with Jimmy because they always make me giggle and want to be a part of their BFF inside jokes but this Quarantine remix and the interview that followed were not up to par for my entertainment. The hardest I laughed in the interview was when Jimmy did finger guns because JT razzes him real hard on that but otherwise I was really rooting for them to be funnier or just do another History of Rap or something. I guess their bits only work in person.

So I was already feeling let down by that, then I’m cruising through People.com, business as usual and I stumble upon this headline:

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And I got ALL SORTS OF FIRED UP. There is not a CHANCE that these two attention whores are also full-on parents without hired help. Kids need the MOST attention in the world and Silas has an actress mom and a singer/actor/comedian dad. NO WAY ARE THESE TWO 24-HOUR PARENTING. They have AT LEAST two nannies and I will not hear anything otherwise. They’re quarantined in one of their homes in Montana, so they’re out in the middle of nowhere and if there’s one thing that I know for SURE about celebrities, when they vacation or isolate themselves, they bring the whole G-D paid staff with them. Chefs, maids, nannies, what have you. Do not for a second bitch about how hard parenting is when you’re rich AF and probably just kick it with your son when your schedule allows. I’m just now realizing that I might still harbor some bitter resentments about JT publicly cheating on Jess in December and it’s all coming out now that he’s doing media again. I apologize for not working through these issues sooner, but JT you’re in timeout for a little while. Drop a new heater (not Trolls-related) and we’ll talk about getting back in my good graces. This also seems like an ideal time to remind everyone that when he cheated, my ex-boyf’s mom texted me to gossip about it and she told me I’m prettier than Jessica Biel and I will sing that from the rooftops until they put me in the ground. Never forget.

2. I Need Jessica Simpson Confidence.

Jessica Simpson posted this compare/contrast for giggles and my immediate thought was that it takes the most confident woman in the world to post a Rolling Stone Cover from her early 20’s where her body is in peak condish, she’s tanned, toned and professionally made up next to THAT. Sometimes I take ugly selfies on snapchat where I clearly don’t have makeup on and my hair is greasy or there’s a zit on my face and send it discreetly to my mom or my sister for a little “lol I’ll die alone because I’m hideous” but Jessica Simpson was like IDGAF and put one of those pics out to her 5.3 million followers next to the magazine cover that basically caused her divorce. Jk, it wasn’t the magazine cover SPECIFICALLY, it was mostly that Nick is a far less talented loser living in her shadow and being v. jelly about it for their entire marriage. I can say these things because I read Open Book and rewatched the entire series of Newlyweds, so basically not only are Jess and I best friends, but I know everything there is to know about her life. Highly recommend reading her book if you enjoy shooting celebrity gossip straight into your veins like I do. You have to get through a LOT of Jesus talk to get there, but trust me, it’s worth it. It also allowed me to watch Newlyweds with a whole new filter and realize that it’s finally time to stop shipping a Nick and Jess reunion and calling them the perfect couple because they really did not like each other and Nick was a reeealll douche. He’s the host of Love is Blind now, so obviously all is well with him. No hard feelzies. (But Team Jess for Lyfe.)

3. Full House Forever.

The show that will never go quietly into the night (don’t even get me started on Fuller House and what a horrifically campy show that comeback turned out to be) decided to lean into TikTok and create their own updated opening credits. The show may never die, but Aunt Becky SURELY did because they kicked her RIGHT out of the family. Don’t care if you’re not in jail yet, Lori, the cast can’t have you dragging down their TikTok views with bad pub. Interesting spin that Becky’s out, but Jeff Franklin is in when he caught a little bit of #MeToo flack recently for inapprops behavior. SEXISM. Either way, 10/10 for Mr. T’s bit. This is really his time to shine.

4. 9021-No.

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Watch this video. Nuff said. @torispelling

A post shared by Dean McDermott (@imdeanmcdermott) on

Yaknow I love 90210 and I love razzin on your girl Tori Spelling who will publicly do ANYTHING to make money, but she’s getting a little blowback for that right now and I couldn’t stop myself from soaking it in. Her husb and known sex addict Dean is a little rough and tumble and definitely doesn’t do much to bring home the bacon, but he does love to spout off on social media to defend his wife and kids. This time T is getting shit on not for feeding her kids too much, but for charging fans $95 for a virtual meet and greet. Look, I get both sides here. As someone who is extremely unemployed, I want to punch everyone whose preaching to make donations and support local businesses and spend all this money right now that I most certainly don’t have. Yet, I’ve also gotten very comfy with my favorite singers putting out free weekly concerts on instagram and all of the paid subscriptions releasing shows and movies that I was too poor to watch before and stores begging me to buy their clothes with 70% off sales every day. I’m not quite sure how to exist in a world where I fork over $95 to Zoom with Tori Spelling and take a screenshot of us not physically together. HOWEVER, Tori Spelling is out here just hustlin’ and I gotta respect that. She’s hearing about Bachelor contestants–NOT WINNERS–*CONTESTANTS* charging people on Cameo to send them video messages and she’s like I’m DONNA F*ING MARTIN. I’m not gonna let these reality stars show me up! I’m worth more than a $10 cameo. I’m Aaron Spelling’s daughter! And for that, I also agree. Also, she has to support her loser hubz and his repeated sex addiction rehab, I’m guessing. So everyone CTFD and let the idiot 90210 superfans fork over a hundo to videochat with Donna Martin. I’ll even consider it if she throws in a David Silver appearance. Just kidding, I won’t. I added a pair of overalls to my cart yesterday then saw that an additional discount didn’t apply and concluded that $30 was still too much to pay. So, $95 for a conference call is downright outrageous.

5. Quaran-Tunes

Lotsa time to drop some new beats. Jesse McCartney showing us why he’s still the swoonster heartthrob (vocals only, that outfit he’s wearing is all sorts of atrocious.) John Mayer has been flexing all over lately, doing a Zoom with SUNY Oneonta, making up new songs on his Insta show and now teaming up with Leon for a smooooove Quarantine original. Selena wanted everyone to know that the timing is unfortunate for her release of this song (marketing rules the world, tho) as the last thing on her mind during this pandemic is finding a boyfriend…and yet….here we are. Turns out she’ll settle for some frogs instead. And last but certainly not least–my favorite of the bunch, an ULTIMATE mashup of LUDAAAAA, Lil Jon & Ursher baybay, reminding us that they like to penetrate mad ladiezz. HOARD. God I needed Ludacris back in my life and what a treat this disgusting song is to my ears. Give me a few listens and I’ll have Luda’s part down pat. Will report back.

BONUS: THIS DANCER IS GONNA DANCE.

I will continue to broadcast my budding dance career because if anything good can come from this pandemic, it better be some rhythm for ya gurl. I have forever wanted to be a dancer and yet being able to move to a beat and remember choreography are key components that I’m sorely lacking. Now that I have all the time in the world and a newfound obsession with TikTok, I’m determined to make this my time to shine. I failed at Darryn’s Dance Grooves, I used my Dancing with the Stars DVD that I got for my 18th birthday exactly one time and thought it would be appropriate to wear heels and a flowy skirt for what I now know was just a workout video and I didn’t make the Radio Disney Dance Team because during tryouts I fudged up the choreo and had dead face. But all of that will not be in vain. I will hit a beat and make ONE TikTok dance video that slaps harder than the youths. After practicing this one for two hours, getting the yips on the last 10 takes and still noticing we were off-beat from the very first dab…this will not be that video. BUT I WILL KEEP TRYING. STAY TUNED. I AM GOING TO BE A DANCER.

Inspiration:

 

Reality:

PS Shoutout to my main squeeze, my Leopard Saved By The Bell Twinnie who was over this about 20 minutes into it (although may it be known she was the one who suggested it) because there’s no one else I’d rather have as my dance partner. Also, it really helps that you’re equally as bad at dancing so we really balance each other out. Looking forward to smashing through a few more foreign dance crew Step Up knock-offs on Netflix and learning some new mooves!

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JUice

Weekly JUice

Week of March 30th, 2020

I haven’t blogged in a minute because the world is ending and nothing seems funny anymore but then when I really thought about it, I figured there’s some people out there who would much rather read about celebrities or listen to a new song or watch a funny video than consume news all day long, which creates more anxiety. So here we are. Turn off the news or take a step away from Twitter and constant scary headlines for a second to consume some nonsense and hopefully have a giggle. I’m going to try to be positive this week. See? I bet THAT made you laugh!

1. Stabler Returns.

It has been announced that Chris Meloni will reprise his role as Elliot Stabler on a new SVU spinoff because Dick Wolf never sleeps, unless he’s nestled snug as a bug in a bed full of money. DUN DUN. Seriously though, I’m not sure if it’s the quarantine or if people are just finally beginning to recognize what a DILF Stabler is but Chris Meloni is having himself a moment. (BTW I know that actors play parts but I refuse to believe Chris Meloni was playing anyone other than himself in Elliot Stabler.) I distinctly remember sitting down for day-long marathons on SVU with my sister and an unhealthy amount of snacks just to drink in the good cop, bad cop routine between Liv and Stabler. Stabler with his badass Irish anger would come in HOT and be like YOU WOULD SAY THAT YOU RAPIST WHO RAPES PEOPLE and pound the table with those bulging ‘ceps, then Liv would saunter into the interrogation room, gently hold Stabler back and in her soft, understanding voice be like what made you do this? Who hurt you? And boom. Confession. Liv and Stabler were the perfect duo and the day they wrote Stabes off the show was a sad one indeed. They’ve reunited here and there and posted nostalgic selfies to give the people what they want, but realistically what we really wanted was for those two to bang because the chemistry was through the roof. But whatever, I got sidetracked into basically writing SVU cosplay and the real topic here is that Stabler is making a comeback, we’ll keep our fingers crossed for a Liv-Stabes reunion (which I’m sure will be in season 1. Dick Wolf loves to cross-pollinate his spinoffs, look no further than the several weeks each year he spends putting his 900 Chicago shows together in one monumental TV event.)

Also, to FULLY prepare yourself for his return to primetime, feast your eyes on this tasty treat:

2. So Does Lindsay Lohan.

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Im back! 👀

A post shared by Lindsay Lohan (@lindsaylohan) on

If read the room were ever fully personified, it would be Lindsay Lohan choosing right NOW to announce her comeback and drop a new single that no one, I repeat not one single soul was looking for. And yet someone who thinks they are this important when literally no one has given them a second thought in many years is precisely what we needed. A good laugh at someone else’s expense is the best medicine, is what I always say. This B literally cleared her social media and released the above video at the beginning of the week as if she’s the second coming and the world has been WAITING with baited breathe for this. And thank GOD we didn’t have to wait too long or I would’ve probably chopped my own arms off in anticipation because today she dropped a new single and boy oh boy is it high quality music. Forget about the Lindsay that was a hot mess and moved to Dubai for a minute. Forget about her quick foray into club management in the Greek islands for reality TV. This is the real Lindsay, folks and I don’t know what we ever did to deserve it. In the words of LL in her hawt club tune, “shit got crazy.” But why am I still babbling? Just give yourself a listen to the HEAVILY auto-tuned (probably someone else’s voice in parts) tell you that Lindsay is coming back to herself and all will be ok.

And just like Tiger King dominated the world because we were all forced to watch white trash exotic animal owners fight with each other, this song will dominate as well. We’re all stuck inside and bored as hell and suddenly it’s like wow this song slaps and then it’s on repeat and guess what guys, we’re all Lindsay Lohan fans now. That’s just the way the cookie crumbles. THANKS, QUARANTINE. No gas though, this song (below) actually does slap and anyone who says otherwise can see themselves out from this blog. I will forever be grateful for the movie Freaky Friday giving me punk rockstar dreams and a desire to learn how to play guitar. (Obviously I took one lesson, complained my fingies hurt and never attempted again.)

3. Classic Adam Sandler.

Adam Sandler built an entire career upon dumb movies and talk-singing stupid songs and after trying to prove he’s a serious actor in Uncut Gems, this is just what we needed. It’s also very satisfying to see that even someone as rich as Adam Sandler still falls prey to a wife who loves a little Homegoods decor. I’m guessing Mrs. Sandler found the stunning piece of art in the background in 2015 when “You Are My Sunshine” was HOT in the streets of every home decor store on this planet. I’m also guessing I was v. close to a lifetime Teej ban for staging the below photo and calling their shit on Twitter. But that’s neither here nor there. The point is…celebs, they’re just like us!

4. Quarantine Sessions.

Obviously with the endless amount of time at home and people getting stir crazy, there has been an increase in content and people trying their hardest to entertain or generate some laughs and I just wanted to take this moment to give a special shout out to Cal, formerly of the band Timeflies. I’ve blogged about Timeflies before and Cal because not only is he a total babe soda, but he has the ability to freestyle and create songs on the spot. When he used to tour with Timeflies, his gimmick was that he would ask for a hat and a bunch of ripped up pieces of paper with terms about the school or the city he was performing for and then he would pull one out at a time and create a freestyle on the spot. Well he used this creative skill to start doing a new cover a day based on the world’s situation right now and the best part about it is that he thought it would be like a week or two in quarantine and he’d be done. But here we are now with no end in sight and he’s committed to just fully producing and recording a new song and video every day. So shoutout to Cal for creating quality topical beats each and every day with Quarantine Sessions. Don’t eva change. Below is a highlight reel, click HERE for his insta to see them all.

5. Handstand Challenge

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Anyone on social media has seen the millions of challenges that are cycling around as if it’s 1998 and we just re-discovered chain emails. From post a happy selfie to post a travel pic to post a puppy pic to the insufferable pushup or exercise challenges (barf all over me, if you ever tag me in a pushup challenge I’ll never speak to you again.) The world is challenge-happy right now and I’ll be honest this is a new one that I’ve discovered while looking for the last useless thing to distract you today. And WE HAVE FOUND IT. The handstand challenge where you put a shirt on while you’re using your core body muscles to balance upside down. And guess who can do it? ONLY ripped actors with personal trainers and superhero bods. I bet Chris Meloni can do it with that gleaming six pack of his. Seriously, Chris. DO IT. In the meantime we’ll pant over Jake Gyllenhaal, who I feel like I haven’t really thought of since the last time I listened to All Too Well and yet here he is with a little pony tail and a whole lotta body, making dressing while upside down look like a breeze.

Meanwhile, I’m out here spending 30 minutes huffing and puffing on the elliptical every day in my parents basement, dragging my ass up the stairs and then performing whatever song is playing through my headphones to the roomies to get them to laugh and pay attention to me. Same thing, really. (If you didn’t think I was going to work overtime to pivot all of this back to me, then you obviously don’t know me at all.) Handstand, shmandstand, I’d like to see you out of breathe scream-lip sync a song WHILE throwing your limbs around in a form of interpretive dance that should only be known as GANGLEROD. (Spoiler alert: neither song was guessed despite my commitment to the performance) Can only go up from here, now taking requests because I am determined to get one W.

 And for even FURTHER entertainment, feast your peepers on the day my family drank a bunch of homemade espresso martinis and decided to become TikTok’ers. First with our 90’s Beanie Baby knowledge, and then with our very first TikTok group dance. Because if you can’t laugh at yourself, you probably have a giant dump in your pants.

 

Inspiration:

Reality:

Stay safe, y’all!

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JUice

Weekly JUice

Week of 9/23/2019

1. The Year of JLo.

If you feel like you’ve been hearing about JLo a lot lately it’s because she’s killin tha game. She’s 50, went on a world tour to celebrate herself turning 50, threw herself a star-studded birthday bash that I slobbered all over HERE, maintains the body of a 25 year old, got engaged to her “macho” ARod, starred in Hustlers, walked the Versace runway in her iconic boobalicious dress–this time with her legs fully on display and now she’s gonna do the damn Super Bowl Halftime show. I mean seriously. It’s not like she ever really stopped being a Bo$$ bitch, but this has definitely been a big year for Jenny formerly from tha block. And if you can’t already tell, I’m living for it. I mean I literally entered a contest a few weeks ago to win a trip to Montreal to be her date for the Hustlers premiere. It was basically just a marketing ploy to be added into the newest form of spam emails–in text form. But at the same time now when my phone buzzes and it says Jennifer Lopez, I look cool as hell.

Also I kid you not, as I was typing this I got a text from Jen telling me to hit up her new perfume pop up in NYC. Like chill gurl, I already have plans for tonight. (This is what rock bottom looks like if anyone’s wondering.) In continuing my JLo biggest fan parade, I saw Hustlers the other night and after her intro strip scene I literally had to mop up the drool that had collected on the movie theater floor. I understood immediately why there was a gentleman behind me who was there by himself. I also wished I wasn’t sitting so close to him. ANYWAY, back to the Super bowl, which I’m so jazzed about. It’ll feature Shakira as well and my friend Kat and I were just wondering what had happened to Shakira and Enrique Iglesias when I was telling her those were my two favorite CD’s in rotation growing up (I’ve always had hispanic flair, apparently.) So basically by Kat and I talking about Shakira (shout out Laundry Service), we brought her career back. Since it’s a Miami event, unfortunately it’s pretty much guaranteed that they’ll drag out ole Mr. Miami himself so he can shout dalé and MISTA WORLDWIDE a bunch of times. Ugh. Hopefully the gals will do a lot of booty shakin during baldie’s cameo to make up for it. Either way I’ll be cheering my homegirl on from the couch in my finest (faux) fur.

jlo

 

2. Stars Are Just Like Us.

Resident Hollywood Kewl Grl Jennifer Lawrence is getting married and has decided to partner with Amazon to help inspire future brides with a registry. At first I thought she released her actual wedding registry and was looking for these things and the public could just send her wedding gifts. That got me all sorts of triggered because if you’ll see below at some options, you’ll understand why I wondered WHY THE F AN A-LIST CELEBRITY IS ASKING FOR WINE GLASSES AND AN ADAPTER.

weddingregistry1weddingregistry2

Once I calmed down, I realized she’s being PAID BY AMAZON TO SUGGEST COMMONER THINGS FOR A WEDDING REGISTRY. She’s monetizing being a bride. Oh reeeeealllyyyy, Jennifer, you travel a lot for work and recommend this CASHMERE TRAVEL SET? GTFO of my face with that. Do us all a favor and copy your BFF Amy Schumer and do a surprise wedding with your closest friends like only celebrities can do. I BETTER NOT SEE YOU WITH A PEOPLE COVER STORY TELLING US WHAT DJ YOU RECOMMEND FOR YOUR NUPTIALS. click here for her full stupid ass registry.

3. Sit Down, Demi.

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I guess I’m all sorts of fired up this week because this also made me mad online. Demi has written a memoir and is now on a press tour promoting it. Normal Hollywood stuff except that she’s been out of the Hollywood limelight for a very significant amount of time and now she wants to stomp on back through and shit all over Ashton Kutcher. NOT ON MY WATCH, DEMI. Some of her more click-bait headlines from the book include having a miscarriage while dating Ashton for only a few months, having a threesome because Ashton wanted to, and Ashton cheating on her and using the threesome as an excuse for cheating. Obviously, the way that Hollywood works, Ashton would’ve had a head’s up about all of this coming out so he’s prepared to deal with it. What REALLY fired me up though was when Demi went on Ellen and was basically blaming Ashton for her alcoholism. She also had the balls to be like I’m not attacking anyone, I’m just telling my story. Oh. Ok, Demi. So you’re going to say you started drinking because you thought Ashton wanted a cool girlfriend who could drink–when you were already 10+ years sober and rather than being like actually I can’t drink because I’m an alcoholic, you decided to throw that all away to be what you thought he wanted? AND THEN SAY IT WAS HIS FAULT?! COME OnnnnnnNNNNNNnnnnNNNNNN. She told a story of him posting a picture of her passed out on the toilet and called it shaming. In the words of my sister, “LIKE MAYBE DON’T GET SO DRUNK AND PUKE IN A TOILET IF YOU DON’T WANT IT PHOTOGRAPHED.” She also added that her husband has taken many drunk and embarrassing photos of her and she’s not gonna cry and write a book about it. I can vouch for this because one time Nikki and I went to Dollar Thursday Night at the Syracuse Sky Chiefs game–a phenomenal summer staple (now ruined…probably because of us) where all beers and hot dogs were $1. We got trashed then came home and reheated Olive Garden breadsticks and ate them on her kitchen floor. I took a photoshoot of her posing on her floor with the foil breadsticks bag in her mouth like the calendar girl that she is and uploaded that shit RIGHT to Facebook. So honestly Demi, a pic of you passed out is NOTHIN. Cut the shit. #TeamAshton. Also, I’m going to go out on a limb here and say that Mila didn’t die her hair because of Demi’s tell all. So let’s relax with that.

mila

4. Diplo <3’s the JoBros

Remembs when Sophie and Joe got married after the BBMA’s and Diplo live streamed it and I was jelly because I’ve always wanted to be casually a part of celebrity stuff like that? Well apparently they didn’t want him to do that and now it’s turned into a giant joke kind of like Diplo’s fashion sense. Here’s a new collab between the two that doesn’t stink. Plus it shows that the Jonas Brothers actually have a bunch of personalities, which I would not have guessed from seeing them in concert. What is hilarious, is that Diplo is trying his hand at “country” by using his real name. This is apparently one of his country songs. Someone get back to me on which part of this song is country music.

5. Hot Girl Fall.

Since I introduced y’all to Hot Girl Summer–the anthem that allows girls to hoe out and attribute it to a season, I felt that it was important to also share Hot Girl Fall. Cause bitches love fall, and I love that Megan Thee Stallion is playing right into basic betches everywhere. Get it, girl. Although I won’t be celebrating fall just yet because beach season lives on until the first snowfall in my mind, maybe I’ll mix in a pumpkin ass beer this weekend in honor of theeeee stallion.

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JUice

Weekly JUice

Week of 10/29/18

1. I’m not ok. 

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It’s been a minute ❤️

A post shared by Kaitlyn Bristowe (@kaitlynbristowe) on

I was searching for a 5th piece of celeb news for this week’s roundup when the official statement about Kaitlyn and Shawn was released and I’m not doing well. I reshuffled to put this at the top because it is the most important to me as I have inserted myself into Kaitlyn and Shawn’s relationship as much as any of her other stans. I listen to her podcast and try to copy her outfits on a daily basis and that’s why I feel personally victimized by this news. As much as I shit all over the Bachelor, the first two seasons I watched featured Kaitlyn and she was a funny girl with a potty mouth who happened to find love on TV and OBVIOUSLY I relate to that. The funniness. And the trash mouth. Not the finding love on TV part. I’ve followed them since they got engaged and they both seemed like genuinely good people and they had a relationship that I thought would last–which I can’t say for ANY other bachelor couple. DID I JINX THIS?! Don’t answer that. Things were rough over the summer when people were speculating their breakup because they hadn’t been seen together in a while but like KAITLYN ALWAYS VISITS HER FAMILY IN CANADA. CALM DOWN GUYS. She talked about it on her podcast that they’re both busy and they’re committed to each other. She said just because there’s a rough patch doesn’t mean you give up it means you love the shit out of each other and I was like YEAH GIRL YEAH. And now I feel sad about it. Here’s their official statement released to People before I start crying at my desk thinking about if she’ll get joint custody of Doodle:

“After three incredible years, we have decided to go our separate ways. This difficult decision comes after thoughtful, respectful consideration. Even though we are parting as a couple, we’re very much committed to remaining friends and we will continue to support each other. Due to the nature of how we met, our relationship has always been very public, and we have enjoyed sharing it with all of you, but we ask that you respect our decision and our privacy at this time.”

 

2. JT brings books back.

jt

Going on vocal rest didn’t stop JT from promoting his new coffee table book out this week called Hindsight. In it, there’s some little gems that have come out about him and Gosling tearing it up during the Mickey Mouse Club (legends) and how he met Jess at a party, she laughed at his joke and the rest is history (they banged other people for a while before getting together exclusively.) Also not for nothing but if JT tells a joke…you laugh. That’s just obvious. I WOULD’VE LAUGHED HARDER. Just saying. ALSO he claims that the way they met was a meet-cute right out of a rom com. MEETING AT A PARTY IS NOT A MEET CUTE JUSTIN. GAWD. Ok moving on. Anyway, here he is tearing it up with BFF JFall except it had to be non-verbal so they couldn’t do one of their regular shenanigans and instead they played a rigged version of the best friend game with wife vs bff. Honestly, I’m on team Jess after this abomination of cheating. PS do we think these three have sex? Cause like it got a little too real with pineapple.

BONUS: more JT JFALL time.

 

3. Feeny. FEEHEEEHEEEEEENY.

I’m gonna be real honest, when I saw Feeny in a headline I was like oh, dear God the time has come. I mean he is 91 after all. As much as my Cory Matthews brain would like to believe it, Feeny won’t be around forever. HOWEVER, good news he’s still alive and he literally scared an intruder away by waking up and turning on his light. BOOM. NOT TODAY. Plays with Squirrels agrees with me.

4. Social Media Breakup.

Obviously I’m salivating at all of the post Ariana-Pete breakup news because there’s nothing more entertaining than seeing youths in the social media era deal with a breakup and this one is about as public as it gets because they wouldn’t stop jamming their love down our throat as they jammed their tongues down each other’s. Anyway, Pete is using their breakup for ratings on this season of SNL and to better his standup routine and Ariana is NOT DOWN WITH THAT. Tell EM GIRL! PETE, WHAT IS YOUR REBUTTAL?

ari

5. Wedding Fever.

gwyn

I got some heart eyes for a couple of wedding dresses this week! Gwyn got married in like September but just released the photos and I laaaaahhhhve that gown. Big Daddy Sitch and his lovely lady also got married this week, moving their nuptials planned for Italy to right now in New Jersey due to his impending jail sentence and inability to leave the state (YOIKES.) Even though watching The Situation on the Jersey Shore might indicate a white trash bash for a wedding, the picture they released looked quite fancy so I guess they used that tax money for somethin! ZING. Ok I’m done with the roasts.

sitch

They both look lovely. It looks like Sitch laid off the self tanner for once and MOST IMPORTANTLY they have no joke the best wedding hashtag in the game. #TheHitchuation?! I MEAN COME ON. THAT’S GENIUS. The only thing fishy about the wedding is that out of the whole J.Shore fam the only two as far as I know who attended were Deena and the Staten Island Dump Angelina. HUH?! Was everyone else really that busy that they couldn’t attend this wedding?! He got the mid series add-on and the dirty little hamster but no VP of MVP, Snooks or JWoww?! Even the camera crews weren’t there to capture it for Jersey Shore: Family Vacation part 15 just kidding we can’t call it vacation anymore because it’s just us living in a house without our kids for TV?! Hmmm…Anyway, congrats you crazy kids!

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Weekly JUice

Week of 3/27/17

I took a self-imposed hiatus because Hollywood has been BORING AF lately. It’s pretty selfish of celebrities to not give me something to razz them about, honestly. Lucky for you I found just enough to get back in the saddle this week. HAPPY WEEKEND!

1. FINALLY.

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SIGN.OF.THE.TIMES // 7.APRIL.17 //

A post shared by @ harrystyles on

Our ears will be blessed next Friday with the only real solo act to come out of 1D that anyone should care about. Harry’s done pretending to be a serious actor and he better DELIVER on the music front after we had to wait this long. Mysterious wading in the water photo isn’t really giving us much but thank God it has already been announced that he’ll be the musical guest on SNL 4/15, with host Jimmy Fallon. Fingers crossed that JFall’s Harry meets real Harry in a skit, or we riot.

2. Whoa, baby.

Pregnant bellies kind of freak me out. Mostly because like, there’s a human in there and if I push too hard will it die? This is something I may never know. So preggers people rocking bikinis at the beach usually gives me the heebie jeebies. The minute I see a baby arm or leg move like it’s taking over your body I’M OUTTA THERE. But of course, leave it to LC to make pregnancy chic as hell. Perfect mani, cocktail and beach scene=realistic look at pregnancy.

3. Batting UP.

Look, ARod’s kind of a loser. He could never compare to Jeets and it’s embarrassing how obsessed he is with himself. But let’s be clear, there’s nothing more embarrassing than a nobody (who is this biddy?) telling you that you’re outkicking your coverage in a major way. Girl thinks she’s being cutesy with the sports reference but ain’t nothing gonna cover the fact that she straight up told ARod to his face that he’s not good enough for Jenny from the block. Facts only. Also they’ve been dating a casual 3 weeks so like maybe slow your roll with yapping about her on a talk show. She just got done banging Drake. It’s not going to last. Especially since you’re, hitting out of your weight class? IS THAT HOW YOU SAY IT? LOLOLOLOL. PS unrelated but kind of related…the 3 no name hosts plus Joy Behar saying that JLo liking chocolate chip cookies is breaking news made my eyes roll out of my skull and halfway across the room. HOW IS THIS SHOW STILL ON TV?

4. WHERE IS SUMMER.

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AVAILABLE NOW! 🕺🏻#CravingYou ft. @marenmorris

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Despite the fact that it’s rain/snowing in New York for THE NEXT TWO DAYS…I’m going to jam out to this new Thomas Rhett number and pretend warm weather is just around the corner. Ignore the fact that little hoebot Maren is featured on this. Pretend it’s his perfect wifey instead.

5. PUPPY BOUQUETS!

© Discover Love Studios - Brittany Boland - www.discoverlovestudios.com

This has literally nothing to do with anything other than the fact that it was an article on People today but if I’m in your wedding party and you don’t give me a puppy to take pictures with, you’re essentially dead to me. Group photos for weddings are the WORST. The way photographers direct women to pose is only setting us up for failure. “Blow a kiss”, “Walk toward the camera with sass” “Kick your foot up in the air” results in me looking like an awkward giraffe with my mouth open and/or eyes closed 98% of the time. Congrats on getting married, whose that weird bird who ruined all of your professional photos?! …is what I imagine everyone says when they view the final product. (Just me? Whatever) Either way, it’s IMPOSSIBLE to look like a spazz when you have a cuddly baby puppy wuppy in your arms.

bridalpuppies

© Discover Love Studios - Brittany Boland - www.discoverlovestudios.com© Discover Love Studios - Brittany Boland - www.discoverlovestudios.com

 

BONUS: Throwback Eye Candy, Love always, Mandy

Bucket Hat=Pure SEX.

DUBZ BONUS: LOL to the fact that Melissa Joan Hart is suddenly all omg I totally should’ve dated Ryan Reynolds back in the day. HE’S BLAKE’S MAN. BACK OFF, SABRINA. (That hair though.)

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Red Carpet

Golden Globes Red Carpet 2017

Welcome to this year’s Golden Globe Awards, where the sponsor was double stick tape. This time I decided to change things up (#newyearnewme) by actually showering on a Sunday. It made me feel a LITTLE better to judge others from my couch with clean hair for once. Also went back to the gym and rocked a killer return-to-the-gym workout outfit. Both of these random brags about my life were specifically included to show you JUST how qualified I am to be forcing my fashion opinions down your throat.

NBC's "74th Annual Golden Globe Awards" - Arrivals

Sweet lab coat with a rosary hanging off it, Pharell. The black beanie really polishes off the look.

NBC's "74th Annual Golden Globe Awards" - Red Carpet Arrivals

I actually love this dress but I’m so over her hair being this short.

74th Annual Golden Globe Awards - Arrivals

Pantsuit.

74th Annual Golden Globe Awards - Arrivals

Last one was a pantsuit and this is a poop suit. Also, velvet, really?

74th Annual Golden Globe Awards - Arrivals

Love this dress, hate the hair.

NBC's "74th Annual Golden Globe Awards" - Arrivals

This is the Golden Globes, Jonah. Leave your kicks for the VMA’s.

74th Annual Golden Globe Awards - Arrivals

I get that Keri’s just trying to jump on the choker trend but pairing it with a Cheetah dress was really pushing it to Jersey Shore status.

74th Annual Golden Globe Awards, Arrivals, Los Angeles, USA - 08 Jan 2017

Are these pants? Is there supposed to be a split down the middle? It looks like she ripped her dress on a tree branch or something.

74th Annual Golden Globe Awards - Arrivals

Connie, GIRL, what is this?! One side tank, one side tee? Her left pit probably just gets extra sweaty.

NBC's "74th Annual Golden Globe Awards" - Red Carpet Arrivals

Can appreciate her going for the boobs out trend, this dress sucks though. It looks like something Kacey Musgraves would wear and that is NOT a compliment.

NBC's "74th Annual Golden Globe Awards" - Red Carpet Arrivals

No. Just no.

NBC's "74th Annual Golden Globe Awards" - Red Carpet Arrivals

It’s clear that I’m just hating the should cut outs of the night but also milkmaid braids on top of this made it 1 billion times worse.

74th Annual Golden Globe Awards - Arrivals

I’m a strong defender of the opinion that if Carrie’s legs aren’t showing, her look is garbage. Not only is she fully covered but the top is a disaster. People of twitter were comparing it to a vagina. Yikes.

74th Annual Golden Globe Awards, Arrivals, Los Angeles, USA - 08 Jan 2017

You know what would look really trendy? If we sewed a bird onto a dress amongst a bunch of chunky flowers.

74th Annual Golden Globe Awards, Arrivals, Los Angeles, USA - 08 Jan 2017

This is a bridesmaids dress from hell.

74th Annual Golden Globe Awards - Arrivals

Sienna Miller comin in hot looking like Wilma Flintstone.

74th Annual Golden Globe Awards, Arrivals, Los Angeles, USA - 08 Jan 2017

The skirt part is ok, the top and closing the deal with a bedazzled bow really turned it all to shit.

74th Annual Golden Globe Awards - Arrivals

Never a good idea for a white guy to wear a white tux.

NBC's "74th Annual Golden Globe Awards" - Red Carpet Arrivals

I stared at this picture thinking she was wearing white tights on her arms and then laughed for like 10 minutes. So that’s where we’re at.

emilyratajkowski

Do infinity times less.

74th Annual Golden Globe Awards, Arrivals, Los Angeles, USA - 08 Jan 2017

Equivalent to taking a bed sheet and tossing a belt around it, toga party style.

74th Annual Golden Globe Awards - Arrivals

Peplum AND a collar=barf.com

74th Annual Golden Globe Awards, Arrivals, Los Angeles, USA - 08 Jan 2017

I don’t mean to keep hating on the ladies who chose pants but I didn’t like any of these looks. Not even a leather bralette could sway me.

BEST

74th Annual Golden Globe Awards, Arrivals, Los Angeles, USA - 08 Jan 2017

Even though she’s essentially the same color as the dress, Emma’s obviously killing it otherwise.

blake

Um, hi you’re the perfect couple.

NBC's "74th Annual Golden Globe Awards" - Red Carpet Arrivals

This dress is a little scandalous but not quite as bad as half of Hollywood going nips out so I dig it.

74th Annual Golden Globe Awards, Arrivals, Los Angeles, USA - 08 Jan 2017

This is fun and simple and it kind of looks like she’s wearing a tiara, which is a boss move.

Entertainment: 74th Golden Globe Awards

Cuba may have sucked as OJ but this jacket is where it’s at.

74th Annual Golden Globe Awards - Arrivals

The guy who does drugs and goes to Disney World cleans up real well.

74th Annual Golden Globe Awards - Arrivals

It’s like a painting of perfection.

74th Annual Golden Globe Awards, Arrivals, Los Angeles, USA - 08 Jan 2017

I love the shit out of this and then there’s just like one stripe of fabric on her hip adorned with pins that makes no sense.

74th Annual Golden Globe Awards - Arrivals

Busy’s dress kinda sucks but Michelle is giving me all sorts of ideas for werking a ribbon choker into my lineup.

74th Annual Golden Globe Awards, Arrivals, Los Angeles, USA - 08 Jan 2017

The lip matches the dress!!!

74th Annual Golden Globe Awards, Arrivals, Los Angeles, USA - 08 Jan 2017

Preeettty sure I saw Anna Kendrick’s right nipple.

74th Annual Golden Globe Awards, Arrivals, Los Angeles, USA - 08 Jan 2017

The GOAT rocking Tom Ford and that’s obvious.

74th Annual Golden Globe Awards - Arrivals

JLD doesn’t age even for a second.

74th Annual Golden Globe Awards, Arrivals, Los Angeles, USA - 08 Jan 2017

There’s nothing I love more than when youngn’s in Hollywood dress for their age. BRAVO.

74th Annual Golden Globe Awards, Arrivals, Los Angeles, USA - 08 Jan 2017

Dayyummn, Dax.

74th Annual Golden Globe Awards, Arrivals, Los Angeles, USA - 08 Jan 2017

Why wear a necklace when your boobs can be the main attraction?

NBC's "74th Annual Golden Globe Awards" - Red Carpet Arrivals

Natalie is channeling Jackie O and I don’t hate it.

74th Annual Golden Globe Awards, Arrivals, Los Angeles, USA - 08 Jan 2017

I could literally stare at her chest all day. ALL DAY.

74th Annual Golden Globe Awards, Arrivals, Los Angeles, USA - 08 Jan 2017

Pretty sure Amy Adams has worn some variation of this dress before but if it ain’t broke don’t fix it.

NBC's "74th Annual Golden Globe Awards" - Red Carpet Arrivals

Yes, please.

74th Annual Golden Globe Awards, Executive Arrivals, Los Angeles, USA - 08 Jan 2017

This is the perfect princess gown.

74th Annual Golden Globe Awards, Arrivals, Los Angeles, USA - 08 Jan 2017

Get it, Felicity!

74th Annual Golden Globe Awards - Arrivals

Not sure how Kristin became an E red carpet correspondent but she looks fab.

74th Annual Golden Globe Awards, Arrivals, Los Angeles, USA - 08 Jan 2017

Shoutout to a fellow big booty.

74th Annual Golden Globe Awards, Arrivals, Los Angeles, USA - 08 Jan 2017

I wanted to hate this but I kinda can’t take my eyes off of it.

74th Annual Golden Globe Awards, Arrivals, Los Angeles, USA - 08 Jan 2017

BEDAZZLED shades to match his suit?! Fresh2death. Plus he’s got the hottest chick in the game rockin his chain.

74th Annual Golden Globe Awards, Arrivals, Los Angeles, USA - 08 Jan 2017

Another princess gown that I want to twirl around in. I believe this was the dress that motivated me to note that I’ll be needing a 360 cam for my wedding day so I can do a slow motion spin.

ryan-gosling

Remember how earlier I said white guys can’t wear white tuxes? Yeah, this doesn’t apply to Ryan. I need to change my undies just from a glance at this pic.

BEST LOOK:

mandymoore

Mandy Moore coming back in a BIG way. She looks flawless and out of all the stars that went tits out for the red carpet, she was my fave.

No recap for this show because I don’t think it could have been any more boring if they tried. No one got drunk and made an ass of themselves, no one gave a funny acceptance speech and there was NOT ENOUGH JT. But seriously, as soon as I heard JFall was hosting I anticipated all of the great things him and JT would do onstage and all we got was a 20 second cameo at the beginning and the next 3.5 hours were JT dry. That should be illegal.

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JUice

Weekly JUice

Week of 4/11/16

1. Ryans make babies at the same damn time. Allegedly.

“Sources” and “Reports” say that Ryan Gosling/Eva Mendes & Ryan Reynolds/Blake Lively are both expecting baby numero dos. I’m not going to doubt the notion that hot people have sex all the time, so this seems about right for timing of expanding the families. Unfortunately I can’t really comment on how these babies will look because both couples have selfishly kept their kids private and not even given us one little peep via their instagram or whatever. Rude. Regardless, the two hottest Ryans in the world procreate at the same time and everything is all going to be okay. Fingers crossed for Blake’s bump debut at the Met Gala and prayers that Eva doesn’t wear sweatpants when she’s having a fat day for 9 months. Cause Ryan will dump her. Obviously.

ryan-gosling-hey-girl-8

2.  Baby Boy Clarkson has arrived.

WHEW. So I wasn’t far off in assuming that she was about to drop some fluids all over the American Idol stage during that medley. Just a week later and that baby was OUT. Probably would’ve given Idol a little more clout if she dumped the kid out right on-air but whatever. No pics yet, but his name is Remington Alexander. River and Remington. Doesn’t get more country than that.

3. Move over, Uncle J.

Seriously, John Stamos may be top dog of comebacks and riding high this year (not literally, he is sober.) but he can be taken down with one single selfie. Uncle J, who? The Olsen twins have crawled out of their cave of ciggs to grace the social media world with an ultra cool black sunnies selfie. MK may still look just a touch like the cryptkeeper but Ashley is crushing this. I accept.

4. Megan Fox Should Go On Maury. 

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#notthefather

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Megan is preggers again but also separated from hubs Brian Austin Green so America was like omgggggg who knocked her up?!?!?!? And she responded being like lolz I didn’t sleep with any of my co-stars. OBVIOUSLY Bri is the father, but the fact that Hollywood is a place where having babies with your co-stars is casj city apparently made this news. (This still isn’t really news but I’m stretching to find five blogworthy headlines this week.) Also this gives me a chance to formally complain about her role in New Girl this season. Could that have been a lamer guest star stint? She was like oh I’m so BA and hot and kewl and then falls in love with Nick and peaces out. Nice knowin ya, girl. Oh yeah, spoiler alert. As if New Girl is must-see TV enough to be worthy of a spoiler alert.

5. Here’s a picture of Jimmy Fallon trying out a mustache. (1:57 mark)

I used to watch the Tonight Show consistently and I stopped when I moved to poor people TV without a DVR but this made me want to start watching again…for little nuggets like this. Jimmy trying out the stache. For the record, I think it’s in everyone’s best interest that he never do it again. But also realistically that picture needs to be printed on a mug for the JT mugception joke.

 

Sorry for the subpar JUice, now go into the weekend and think about what we all did to deserve a shitty tour video for New Romantics. Think long and hard about it.

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