Emmy’s 2015 Recap


If I didn’t have boozy root beer to get me through last night’s awards, I would have absolutely snoozed right through them. There were not enough SNL cast members bits and Andy Samberg told a bunch of dad jokes. If you didn’t catch my Red Carpet blog, I’ll just play my tiny violin one more time when I announce that simply by staying hydrated, I quite possibly ended the life of my fairly new Macbook. Come hell or high water though, I couldn’t let my thousands of screaming fans down and so I busted out the ole quill and ink during the show last night and took notes on some parchment paper… then my friend Lindsey lent me her laptop for the eve so I could deliver the goods. Someday she’ll receive royalties for this…today’s not that day. Anyway, I just wanted to make sure everyone properly ‘preciated the dedication I have to being the saltiest of Ju’s.


-We have an immediate low when Andy Samberg kicks off the show with “Justin Timberlake is not going to be here, let’s get that out of the way.” WHAT AN OUTRAGEOUS LETDOWN. I hated Andy immediately. (FTR there WAS no JT…or JFALL for that matter.)

-Andy did two musical bits that made me want to slice my ears right off, the opener where he was a smelly underground creature who binge-watched every show and the unfortunately bloody “Emmy’s Can Kill” number later in the show.


-A pretend beef between Andy and Amy where they just pan to Amy giving a dirty look. This would have been 10,000 times funnier if he was talking and Amy stormed the stage and said ” ANDY, WHAT’S GOOD?”

-John Stamos takes the stage with Gina Rodriguez where they make everyone uncomfy by hitting on each other, I don’t even recall them presenting an award. Although I would give my left leg to have Uncle Jesse get all up on me and whisper sweet nothings in my ear.

-Empire stars Taraji P. Henson and Terrence Howard present and ooze the awksies. They try to banter but it’s weird and ends in a cheek smooch not a minute too soon.


-Olive Kitteridge wins 1 trillion awards, which is great for something no one had ever heard of, also sets up Andy for some new dadtastic material:

-Tracy Morgan makes his comeback to a standing O, gets serious for a minute then quickly says he’s gon get a lot of women pregnant at the after parties. Eeekkk.

-Apple Music debuts a new commercial with Taraji, Kerry Washington and Mary J. Blige where they essentially embody every girls night pregame ever and listen to 90’s hip hop and dance. Stop trying so hard, Apple.

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-There’s a quick break for a guy to get onstage and talk about college students and states “Today’s college students are tomorrow’s Emmy winning artists.” This should probably be the tagline of Marist College’s Radio/TV/Film major. Slap that in the brochure. #NotBitterAtAll #PerpetuallyFunemployed


-Hollywood’s leading men show us that the Emmy’s aren’t worth picking up the razor for.


-Apparently it was like 1 billion degrees in LA last night and therefore everyone had the shiniest of foreheads. STARS SWEAT JUST LIKE US!


-Andy MOSTLY sucked, but here were his two best one liners, in my honest opinion: “Racism is over. Don’t fact check that,” from his monologue when he talked about how this is the most diverse group of nominees ever. And while introducing Adrian Brody to the stage, “The only person I can stand next to and say I’ve got a cute little button nose.” This was awesome because Brody had to take the stage after hearing that.

-“We Are Amy.” Two funny Amy’s present the first award, get a makeup and hair touchup before taking the stage and then talk about how they’re going to be judged for what they wore (sarrryyy) and how Amy’s going to black out later. Out of all the presenters, these two were best at actually being funny.


-Ricky Gervais uses his time presenting to pretend he won an Emmy since he was snubbed before…this is only funny because everyone hated Ricky and shit all over him when he hosted and he knows it so he milks his stage time just to irritate people.

-James Corden mocks the vote counters of Ernst & Young, then selfies with them.


-Jimmy Kimmel announces that he could easily give the Emmy to whoever he wants, like Joey Tribbiani for example, then eats the card with the winner on it. The only thing that makes this entertaining is that Matt LeBlanc didn’t win and showed that he didn’t love the Friends dig.

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-Best moment of the night is obviously awarded to Amy Poehler…in an excrutiatingly boring show, she managed to make me giggle uncontrollably just by throwing on a hoodie and some shades in her DGAF act while being nominated for Parks & Rec. The camera panned to her multiple times for reaction shots and it was gold every single time.


-Regina King wins (I’m guessing it’s a long time coming since she was in A Cinderella Story many moons ago) and her gal pal Taraji presents it then screeches for her. What a ride or die friend.

-Andy Samberg gives out login info for HBO Go, which is nice for people who don’t have HBO and really want to see what this Olive Kitteridge bologna is all about, but what I could really use is a Hulu login for The Mindy Project this season. PS if you missed it:, password-password1

-Amy Schumer wins for Inside Amy and is so excited and flustered that she thanks her head writer first who “had a baby like 10 seconds ago” and whoever created her smokey eye. Keep doing you, girl.


-Jon Hamm beached whales it onto the stage for his W, except he looks like a stealth agent instead of a floundering sea urchin like I absolutely would have. He gets real serious after that…BOOOOOO.


-Viola Davis makes history with her win and Taraji hugs the shit out of her proving to be the best hype girl, even when she loses. I would like her to come over and cheer for me as I accomplish day to day tasks.


Full List of Winners:

Supporting Actress, Comedy: Allison Janney, Mom

Comedy Series, Writing: Veep

Supporting Actor, Comedy: Tony Hale, Veep

Guest Actor in Comedy Series: Bradley Whitford, Transparent

Guest Actress in Comedy Series: Joan Cusack, Shameless

Director, Comedy Series: Jill Soloway, Transparent

Lead Actor, Comedy Series: Jeffrey Tambor, Transparent

Lead Actress, Comedy Series: Julia Louis-Dreyfus, Veep

Reality Competition: The Voice

Writing, Limited Series Drama: Jane Anderson, Out of Carriage

Supporting Actress, Limited Series, Drama: Regina King, American Crime

Director of Limited Series Drama: Olive Kitteridge

Supporting Actor, Limited Series Drama: Bill Murray, Olive Kitteridge

Lead Actress, Limited Series Drama: Frances McDormand, Olive Kitteridge

Lead Actor, Limited Series Drama: Richard Jenkins, Olive Kitteridge

Outstanding Limited Series: Olive Kitteridge

Writing, Variety Series: Daily Show with Jon Stewart

Variety Sketch: Inside Amy Schumer

Directing, Variety Series: Daily Show with Jon Stewart

Variety Talk Series: Daily Show with Jon Stewart

Guest Actor, Drama Series: Reg E. Cathey, House of Cards

Guest Actress, Drama Series: Margo Martindale, The Americans

Drama Series, Writing: Game of Thrones

Supporting Actress, Drama: Uzo Aduba, Orange is the New Black

Directing, Drama Series: David Nutter, Game of Thrones

Supporting Actor, Drama: Peter Dinklage, Game of Thrones

Lead Actor, Drama: Jon Hamm, Mad Men

Lead Actress, Drama: Viola Davis, How to Get Away with Murder

Outstanding Comedy Series: Veep

Outstanding Drama Series: Game of Thrones

Music, Television

CMT Music Awards Recap


Well guys, it’s here. Country season has arrived. It’s finally an OK time to listen to songs about sunshine and trucks and partying outside and feel good about it instead of trudging through snow and hating every single person in the south. Country season is short-lived in the Northeast but it’s pretty glorious. And there’s no better way to kick it off than with me sitting in my bed for 3 hours with my laptop on my chest watching a ratchet livestream of a bunch of cool as shit country performances happening in Nashville, where I am not. But whatevs, TAN LINES. JOHN DEERE. MURICA. LET’S DO THIS.

(It’s rare that you hear me say this, but for the record this was an overall entertaining show. Props to CMT.)


-Lady A kicks off the night with “Long Stretch of Love”, including a mid-song interlude into the land of EDM as Zedd drops some knowledge from his beat laboratory. It was entertaining at best to see the country stars at a loss for what to do with their hands for this breakdown while all the fans moshed. ALSO Hillary looked like a smokeshow slutty Sandra Dee with leather leggings, jacket and hot pink pumps. Sexy, Can I? Real talk though HOW do country singers stomp (literally stomp their feet) all over a stage in stilettos. Get back to me on that.

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-I love a good blurring of fiction and real world, which always comes with an appearance of cast members from Nashville. Deacon and Will Lexington introduce Reba and hawk Season 4…where Will teases “Some of us are coming back…good luck pal.” YEAH RIGHT, GUYS A REALLY SMART BLOGGER ALREADY PREDICTED DEACON’S COMING BACK NEXT SEASON, SO HA.

-I can ALWAYS get down with the camera panning to someone who flubs the lyrics. Last night’s most memorable was Jason Aldean’s girlfriend/mistress/wife(?) getting an audience shot during his performance and singing the wrong words. I relish in these moments. It’s the little things.

-The jockey that rode American Pharoah into history at the Belmont last weekend gets an appearance just cause and introduces Ron White. The three words he’s allowed to say into the mic are pretty incoherent but this was already hilarious because they put a baby jockey next to Erin Andrews and the height difference was glorious. Love wittle cute jockeys.


-The boyz of FGL have been somewhat listening to me. Blazers, man. So classy. I like what I’m seeing (until the whoutfit performance…see below. HAD to ruin it.)

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-Kristen Bell gets a few cameos, bits about advice from last year’s host and such and these are funnier than anything she ever did as a host, and I’ve come to the conclusion that hosting forces jokes and over the top bits that make people unfunny. Epiphany. Watch here

-LUKE.BRYAN.IS.BACK. Look, I understand that as an artist, Luke wanted to show his range and put out a few snoozers that were really deep and not just about girls shaking their asses and I was patient. I waited for Luke to release a new banger that would guarantee a gyrating performance. And it paid OFF. He performed new song Kick the Dust Up which allowed for full hip movement. We’re going to momentarily forget that he was wearing a stupid shirt with red leather shoulder pads because there was shaking, there was a baseball cap and every time there’s a baseball cap it gets flipped backward halfway through the performance when cocky Luke comes out to play. I guess you could say my friend Lindsey and I enjoyed it…

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-Lady A wins for their Bartender music video which included Kate Upton and Charles immediately announces, “You have to put Kate Upton in a video to win!” in very typical guy fashion. #Tits #Merica Hillary tries to prevent a PR snafu and is like um no that’s not true…but realistically it probably is and this awkward moment was pretty gr8.

-Jake Owen debuts new song “Real Life” and his super hot short hair for the first time in a while and I’m loving it. Anyone who rides up to the stage on a bed gets my support. Drool. The chicks doing high kicks on inflatable pizza slices, however, can see themselves out. That is NOT real life.

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-In other awksies moments, Nikki Reed presents award for Male Video and reads a very scripted joke off of the teleprompter “It’s time to finally honor a forgotten minority…men.” Aaaaandd CRICKETS. The joke bombed so hard she was forced to nervously laugh at it herself. Someone got fired.

-The bit that seemed to work the best was a pre-recorded knock off of Uber with “Guuber” where celebrities drive other celebrities around Nashville. The idea’s pretty stupid but it played off of star power with Steven Tyler as a driver and of course, the punk who needs to be included in everything, Biebz. He and James Corden express their love for Luke Bryan and his sapphire eyes, which I can always get on board with plus a sing along to Country Girl Shake It For Me. Luke lapped that shit right up when he accepted the award for male video and declared welllll Bieber loves me soooo…

-Sam Hunt performs banger “House Party” (unfortunately still in that white tunic shirt) and realizes that his star power is his ability to make girls swoon and take selfies with them. Get it, Sam.

-Queen Carrie brings it with the outfit changes for “Little Toy Guns” performance. Flawwwwlezzzz.

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-The hosts Erin Andrews and Brittany Snow are mostly lame, as most hosts are and pretty awkward together. The bits that fell flat were Erin’s lesbian crush on Carrie Underwood and a small Pitch Perfect Nashville Bella’s performance in the beginning.

-It’s gotten to the point where I think every time Reba hits the stage she’s performing a medley of old songs like “Fancy”…turns out she’s actually making and performing new music and it all just sounds the same to me. Snoozes for Reba always. Sorry bout it.

-Apparently Whoutfits are the new cool thing of country music? What. This is not flattering at all. Knock it off.

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-Oh hey Billy Rae Cyrus, it’s so nice of you to drop in after getting a blowout to promote your new show and make me want to puke everywhere.

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-There’s a bit with Joe Dirt in it…is it 1997?

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-Joe Dirt very truthfully pointed out while introducing Keith Urban that he’s so close to a mullet why doesn’t he just do it? And I actually agree with this very trashy fictional character. Seriously Keith, your hair gets woofier every time I see it. Enough with the soccer mom cut. Grow it long for a dirty man bun or keep it boy length but either way this in between, almost mullet, almost “I drive a Dodge Caravan” style is reaaalllyyyy gonna need to go. (PS he performed a new song “John Cougar, John Deere, John 3:16″….COULD THAT TITLE BE LONGER?)

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-Arnold Schwarzenegger and Tom Arnold were on the show WAY too much. I don’t get the Arnold thing. His accent sucks and it isn’t funny. Plus did we all just forget that he banged his nanny and had a secret kid with her just because he’s the Terminator? Anyway, him in a cowboy hat spitting out incoherent sounds was downright painful.

-Mike Fisher (Carrie’s other half) is the Taylor Swift of crowd shots and he doesn’t even know it. For whatever reason, every country awards show, the camera is fixated on Mike in the audience half of the time and yet he doesn’t have reactions. Why are we watching him? Because he’s pretty…but also out of a group of drunk country boys I think we should be able to find someone more fascinating to take Tay’s place. Let’s work on that. Petition for Brett Eldredge to be his replacement?

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Full Winners List

Collaborative Video of the Year: Miranda Lambert & Carrie Underwood “Somethin Bad”

Breakthrough Video of the Year: Sam Hunt “Leave the Night On”

Duo Video of the Year: Florida Georgia Line “Dirt”

Female Video of the Year: Carrie Underwood “Something in the Water”

CMT Performance of the Year: Bob Seger & Jason Aldean “Turn the Page”

Group Video of the Year: Lady Antebellum “Bartender”

Male Video of the Year: Luke Bryan “Play it Again”

Best Video of the Year: Carrie Underwood “Something in the Water”

Music, Television

Billboard Music Awards Recap

I should probably stop having such high hopes for these types of awards shows. It was preeetttyyy roughsicles but there were some glimmers throughout the three hours so here are your highs and lows of the night.


-Tswizzle made her public debut with Calvin Harris as her boo thang. Every award that she won (there were many) she made sure to hug everyone in her crew but Calv got some smooch action and it was hot sauce. Would’ve been even spicier if Calvin had gone in for the ass grab below, but whateva…the point is they’re obviously porking.

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-Speaking of hot sauce, Nick Jonas performed “Jealous” and even though he was essentially wearing a foil blanket that marathon runners get once they’ve finished the race and there were lots of lasers and graphics trying to distract me, he still dripped sex.


-Sam Smith wins top male artist and had to give a silent thank you because he’s having throat surgery, so he made cue cards that told Taylor to play blackjack, shouted out Nicki’s big azzzz and signed up Ed for a Chippendales dance. It was cute and also a quick reminder that all of these mega rich famous people are BFF’s.

-Ed Sheeran murders “Bloodstream” and it’s easily the best performance of the night. I’d like to see ANYONE in that slew of performances that paled in comparison to get up there and run a loop pedal like that. They can’t, so they tromp around the stage in bras instead. (I’m lookin at you, Nicki.)

Full Performance Here

-Harry gave Nial’s junk a little love tap in their victory walk.

-After winning, 1D took the high road (and their publicist’s strong advice, I’m guessing) to thank “their brother Zayn”…which is more mature than calling him out on Twitter, but much less exciting.

-The Florida Georgia Line vest twins each wore nice, flattering, attractive suits. Whoa.


-Meredith Grey. Get it grrrrl.


-The Empire mashup gave us some beatz to work with…fictional or not it was a solid performance.

-Simple Minds perform “Don’t You Forget About Me” for 30 year Breakfast Club tribute. Lead singer wearing the shit out of a plaid blazer, accentuates it with a whole lot of gyrating.


-Taylor’s Hunger Games style “Bad Blood” music video with every single person she’s ever talked to starring as a different villain trying to kill her. It was way too much and the remix wasn’t my fave. Girl looked great but come on. Best villain name: Slay-Z for Gigi. I want that to be my alter ego. Also Tay as a ginge. Watch below if you want sensory overload.

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-Opening performance of Van Halen so they can catch their target audience of old people before they go to bed at 9PM. The forced sexual shout out to Nicki Minaj mid-song was a little too “HEY WE’RE HIP AND KNOW THINGS”

-Hate to say it but Chrissy Teigen and LUUUDAAAA were kind of duds at hosting. Luda should’ve done a medley of his hits to kick off the show. THAT would have been the stuff. Chrissy kept relying on cracks about how she gets penetrated by John Legend on the reg. Could’ve been worse, could’ve been better.

-Mariah Carey performs to let everyone know that she’s retiring to Las Vegas and she doesn’t sing one of her old bangers so what was even the point of that? She also shrieks at the end, which is a nice reminder that she has to struggle to hit the high notes these days.

– The 1000th Paul Walker tribute with “See You Again” where Wiz decides to honor his homie Paul by going nips out for the boys in a nude colored blouse. Then had a nice quick seizure at the end. RIP

LAS VEGAS, NV - MAY 17:  Rapper Wiz Khalifa performs onstage during the 2015 Billboard Music Awards at MGM Grand Garden Arena on May 17, 2015 in Las Vegas, Nevada.  (Photo by Jeff Kravitz/BMA2015/FilmMagic)LAS VEGAS, NV - MAY 17:  Musician Charlie Puth (L) and rapper Wiz Khalifa perform onstage during the 2015 Billboard Music Awards at MGM Grand Garden Arena on May 17, 2015 in Las Vegas, Nevada.  (Photo by Kevin Winter/BMA2015/Getty Images for dcp)

-Little Big Town and Faith Hill with a hard buzzcut sing “Girl Crush”. Could this song be any slower? Could Faith’s hair be any shorter?

-The Billboard Music Awards started F’ing with me when they put two people I despise onstage together for a collab. Pitbull and Chris Brown. It’s like they were almost taunting me to turn the TV off. (I chose to take a snack break instead.)

-It’s actually embarrassing that the Britney/Iggy song had to follow Ed. Because it is trash. Britney wore duct tape over her lady bits, which was really considerate of her. They did tacky 80’s choreography to match this shitty song and I wanted to close my eyes and ears so many times. Petition for Britney and Mariah to stick to Vegas.


-Molly Ringwald thirstily asks if she can be part of Taylor’s crew and they ham it up in the audience because honestly who doesn’t want to be included in the popular crowd? Kind of embarrassing that you have to ask though, right Molls?

-Imagine Dragons, best known for their wild performances banging on drums and screaming do the Ben E King tribute with “Stand By Me”. Hmm…really makes you wonder who pinpointed them as the best option for that.

-Kayne is the closer and it’s about 6 minutes of pyrotechnics and silence. 99% of his song is bleeped out and you can’t even see him. THAT IS ART.

-Chrissy and Luda sign off and take a S***. Oh wait…I’m not a square so I’m allowed to say what they did. THEY TOOK A SHOT. They literally tossed back liquor on television BUT WEREN’T ALLOWED TO SAY THE WORD SHOT WITHOUT IT GETTING BLEEPED OUT. In what world does it make sense to have every female singer parade their RB curtz around stage just fine but the word SHOT (also can be used to describe a vaccination) is censored off the TV. Mic. Drop.

Full Winners List:

Top Duo/Group- One Direction Top Billboard 200 Album- Taylor Swift, 1989 Top Rap Song- “Fancy” Iggy Azalea ft. Charli XCX Top Male Artist- Sam Smith Top Radio Song- “All of Me” John Legend Top Female Artist- Taylor Swift Top Touring Artist- One Direction Top Hot 100 Song- “All About That Bass” Meghan Trainor Billboard Artist (fan-voted)-Taylor Swift Top Country Artist- Florida Georgia Line Top Artist- Taylor Swift

RHOBH, Television

Real Housewives of Beverly Hills- “Amster-Damn!”


As you recall, last week we left off with the ladies arriving in Yo’s home country and immediately giving Americans a bad name. Although I would like to tell you that they shaped up and did ‘Murica proud, unfortunately I cannot. I started to nod off as we saw everyone show off their extravagant hotel suites and talk about how they slept the night before. Then Kim chooses to verbally shit in Rinna’s mouth during public lunch/dinner and I woke the F up. You start an episode with a near choking incident and you HAVE my full attention. Good work.

Let’s take it from the top. While everyone is dining togets, Yo finds it to be an opportune moment to bring up Bella’s DUI for the hundredth time and just lay it out there how painful that was to go through and also slyly point out that nobody at this table is perfect. Tough stuff, lesson learned. Rinna starts to get emotional and reveals that when she was 6 her sister died of a drug/alcohol overdose and she’s never really dealt with it. (For the record, that now puts Rinna at a 3 count for drug/alcohol related deaths in her family. WOOF.) Since Rinna is getting emotional she also wants to apologize to Kim for butting in. Kim doesn’t miss a beat to shut Rinna down and round one has begun. Kim goes OFF like her batteries were just replaced and she hasn’t had verbally abusive conflict in over 24 hrs, bitch is ready to go. She just raises her voice and jabs that finger around like it’s what she was put on this earth to do. She reminds everyone that she’s been sober 3 years (has it actually been that long?) and if there were any concerns HER friends and HER family would’ve said something to her. Rinna is fairly composed and still just defends that she cares about Kim.

OH REALLY? Kim viciously spouts, let’s talk about YOUR home life, Rinna! Eileen tries to jump to Rinna’s defense and Kim throws out a little something she learned from her new BFF Brandi, which is to tell Eileen to shut her F-ing mouth. She also ACTUALLY utters the sentence, “I’ve had enough of you, you beast.” SHE CALLS EILEEN A BEAST. I have essentially rolled off of my bed in fits of laughter at this point. Everyone is sitting there like this is a normal scream fest to have occur in a foreign public restaurant and the worst is still yet to come. Eileen’s reactions to Kim are outrageous, I literally feel like I’m watching Kristen DiMerra duke it out in Salem on Days of our Lives. The theatrics are starting to rub off on Kim who decides to reenact how Kyle hid behind her coat on the plane and acted like a real pussybitch. As if that impression wasn’t enough, Kim turns the knife in Kyle’s fake tit by shouting that Kathy Hilton (all hail the Queen) is actually the better sister and would never hide behind a jacket, she would jump in the ring and defend Kim, the spinning head. BOOOOOOM. Kathy wins again and she’s not even present to look displeased with everything.

DING DING. What are we at now? Round 3? Kim tells Rinna, “Why don’t you have a piece of bread and you’ll calm down a little?” Oh haallll noooo you didn’t just tell her to eat carbs. Then Kim takes a shot at Harry Hamlin and I’ve never seen a chokehold form faster across a dinner table. Rinna  comes out of a rage blackout and realizes she’s about to choke a bitch out on national television so instead throws her wine at Kim and shatters the wine glass off the table like a maniac. DON’T YOU EVA TOUCH MY HUSBAND she roars as she shakes from anger, picks up the glass shards and eats them like she’s the Grinch and that’s her regular diet. Just kidding, she doesn’t but she should’ve if she really wanted Kim to be afraid of her. Kyle darts outta there like the road runner in the desert. And it is GLORIOUS.

In the aftermath, essentially the whole group chooses Team Rinna because if you choose Team Kim you have to be Team Brandi too and no one wants a couple of fighting trash monsters on their team. There’s a whole lot of tears in the rain in an Amsterdam alley. Yo returns to the crime scene to hear Brandi complain about having glass in her skin, and Kim calm as a cucumber kicked back with her feet up on the public restaurant table, flipping her hair fancy free and funky fresh. Yo is like hey, Kim that wasn’t your best dinner. Brandi is quick to defend Kim because Rinna tried to choke her and THAT’S apparently not ok. Kyle is inconsolable and sobbing a lot and WHAT?! SHE’S MAKING SOMETHING ABOUT HERSELF? GET OUTTA HERE. She even needs captions because of her blubbering words about how no one even UNDERSTANDS what she goes through. The nearly upturned table in a quiet Amsterdam restaurant is left with no apologies or IOU’s for the broken wine glass, or their dignity.

Back at the hotel, Rinna says she never wants to speak to Kim again and she would also like to leave this country that has turned her into the Incredible Hulk. Eileen uses a whole lot of synonyms for disgusting to describe Kim and also cries because Kyle is crying? No, Eileen is crying because she won an Emmy for crying on TV and damnit if you all forget it! Rinna compares Kyle & Kim’s sister bond to an abusive relationship. I wonder what Kathy would think about all of this! No seriously, can we get her out to Amsterdam? Yo Brandi and Kim are suuupes concerned about picking shards of glass out of their hair. Kim tries to steal Eileen’s Emmy on pure talent when she does an impression of her yipping like a dog. I laughed out loud at it and I’m not embarrassed to admit it. Ms. Brandi is like whatevs guys, I’m just feeling #blessed that for once it wasn’t me who threw wine or a punch…As aggressive and despicable as this fight was, it’s solved within about 2 minutes the next morning when Kim goes to Rinna to apologize like a civil adult. BOOOOOOOOO.

Post-cage fighting match, apparently everything is hunky dory as the ladies mount up on bikes and explore Yo’s home countryside. The women make a real stink about not knowing how to straddle a Schwinn 10, which is shocking coming from this group of loose gooses. A disgusting bearded man living in a shoe, I mean, windmill, appears to greet the ladies and tell Yolanda that they used to date and make out a lot. This little confession probably had nothing to do with the camera crew there but regardless Yo was like I have no recollection of ever tongue-ing this hair monster, must be the Lyme disease brain erasing all of my sloppy Holland hookups. Lisa is quick to point out to Yo that this all could’ve been hers as she motions to his Keebler Elf windmill home. It’s times like these when I actually love Lisa.

As if stone cold sober fights in public aren’t enough, the ladies all decide that they should probably get high together in public at a coffee shop and everything will be dandy. I was against this wholeheartedly because I thought it would mellow the group out and make for boring TV, no worries though because it did the opposite. (PS Yo’s mom is a BADD bitch. She’s like yeah I’ve eaten a bunch of hash space cakes and never felt a thang. Drugs are old hat for her apparently.) At the coffee shop, Kyle acts like a real n00b. She sniffs the pot and  and Yo tells her she looks like a loser tourist and she’s bringing down the cool factor of the group. People are starting to stare and no one is even smashing wine glasses. Then Kyle’s like is this how you roll a J HAHA I’m dumb and don’t know about marijuana but I think I’m high from the second hand smoke in here. Leave it to Brandi to tell it like it is when she says Kyle stop acting like a pot virg, we’ve smoked together before. (Can we unearth some footage of that pls, Bravo?) And Kyle is like WTF BRANDI I HAVE KIDS. (FTR: all of these women have kids……) I would encourage every single one of these kids to tape this episode and stash it away for future use because my parents told me they’ve never tried pot once, so getting this shit on camera is REAL gold. Even though they consumed one bite of an edible each and applauded each other like a bunch of nerds, Kyle buzzkills the whole night when she says she’s getting paranoid because she’s OBVIOUSLY so high from secondhand and they all have to leave.

In the street, Brandi has a tantrum with lots of noises because everyone can call her an alcoholic but the minute she whispers something about someone else all hell breaks loose. Everyone kind of stares at her and then keeps walking, which completely sums up how I’m feeling. One big conflict per episode please, I can’t take any more of this. They’re all over the dramz and Brandi is most certainly over this dumb trip with a bunch of fake-weed-loving prisses. Next week tune in to see the slap heard round the world with Carmen Sandiego, I mean Lisa Vanderpump.

Best Quotes:

“I don’t think you need a dick in your mouth to put food in their mouths. Sorry, just saying.”-Lisa explaining prostitution in the red light district or talking about Brandi? JK, JK. Love the shit out of cable TV.

Lisa (on a real roll this week) talks about riding the bike being serious sexual stimulation. Real talk: have I been bike riding wrong my whole life?

Eileen as role model to all girls of America: “I decided to give in because I’m weak and succumb to peer pressure.”

RHOBH, Television

Real Housewives of Beverly Hills-“Pay Attention to Me!”


I missed the first 20 mins of last night’s episode, but I can ALMOST guarantee that I missed everyone (the couples) going to a dinner together and chatting about how they found their hubbies, Kyle reveals she was engaged to an old geezer when she met Mauricio, Rinna saying she snatched Harry post-Nicolette Sheridan dumping, Lisa probably saying something catty. Portia trying on bikinis and demanding designer duds that Mauricio didn’t skip a beat to purchase for her, and Yolanda and her daughter Bella talking about nail polish. Was I close? Please feel free to let me know in the comments below if I left anything out.

We get to see some sisterly interaction in last night’s episode, which does nothing to warm my heart but is entertaining to say the least. Kim’s daughter Brooke is getting married and all the sisters Richards gather for wedding dress shopping. Kyle suggests that Kim try on a few dresses as a gag before being told that it’s Brooke’s day…oh yeah, Kyle agrees and slinks away to steal the attention from someone else. Suddenly everyone is silenced at the arrival of Kathy Hilton, who struts in oozing fame and fortune. Kyle and Kim cower in the corner as Kathy immediately barks out that the dress Brooke has on is hideous and to take it off immediately. I’m so gleefully thankful that every season they max out the budget for one episode to pay Kathy Hilton to make an appearance. It’s worth it every time. I’m floored that they don’t make any mention of Paris or Nicky for extra thirsty ratings like they usually do. Things take a heavier turn when Kim talks about her first husband, Brooke’s dad, who has several types of cancer currently and is living with Kim. Her sisters act like this is the first time they’ve heard of this, so we’re all convinced that they’re super close. Lots of tears from Kim and then Kyle says something condescending about how she always thinks of Kim as fragile but is shocked to see she’s actually strong sometimes. The backhanded compliments for Kim are never-ending and always appreciated. And that concludes our sisters Richards reunion for this season. It was everything I had hoped and dreamed.

We get to watch Yolanda dye her hair a gleaming shade of white, and talk about her impending vacation/trip home to Holland to take care of her mother who has uterine cancer. Real heavy episode, lots of tears and I’m not into it. Although if we’re being honest when Yolanda goes on and on about how important family is and then goes back and forth between talking about being on yachts in bikinis and going to take care of her ailing mother, I’m a little fuzzy on the deets of why she is actually traveling there. Then she kicks it with her maid Blanca because apparently we’ve now signed up to watch Real Maids of Beverly Hills after a third week in a row of a maid story line…I’m guessing they’ve become an integral part of this show just to prove that the housewives give them ample vacation days and treat them well? In our bonus scene this week Yolanda shares with us candidly that she ALSO always flies private. How about this, let’s go ahead and assume that everyone in this cast flies private except for Brandi, k, Bravo? That way we can avoid any further scenes about the details of their private jets. Yo sleeping on a California king, smothered in silk sheets on an airplane was pretty hilarious though.

FINALLY Eileen has arrived. Was it worth the three-episode wait? Nope. Rinna and Eileen gather for lunch and apparently have known each other since the 80’s because soap operas. They show a cheesy Days of Our Lives clip from forever ago where feathered hair was okay and they both had their original faces. Rinna compliments Eileen on getting an Emmy and Eileen humble brags about how she can’t keep track of where her Emmy actually is right now. Eileen does some contrived performance in her talking head segment about how actresses get a bad rep for wanting all the attention but she doesn’t? Or something…The amount of times that each utter some cliché that they haven’t seen each other in forever means that they were brought together just for this show. Do better at hiding the staging, producers. Geeze.

Brandi is wearing a winter hat in California in the summer and picks up Kyle to go hiking. We are treated to some flashbacks to drunk Brandi days-YAASSSSS. This week’s installment of “I’m a whale who will never be able to wear a bikini” is brought to you by Kyle and Brandi exercising and seeing who can out-fat each other. They talk about Lisa, and Kyle makes a lot of faces. Brandi decides to call her on speakerphone mean girls style and this will OBVIOUSLY go well. Lisa pretends she doesn’t have caller ID on her probably brand new iphone and acts the most surprised to hear that it’s Brandi. Brandi plays it casj cool and is all, “hey you coming to my house warming party before I inevitably move again?” Lisa demands an apology, obviously…and I reeeally hate to do it but I have to actually side with her on this one because Brandi isn’t really approaching this in a fab or mature way. Brandi continues to have a who gives a fahk attitude and tells Lisa “If you want to be friends, fine, but I’m not going to kiss your ass.” Divine intervention causes Brandi’s phone to die at this exact moment. Or did Lisa MAKE her phone die? We’ll never know…but Brandi makes an even dumber decision to snatch up Kyle’s phone and call her back to clear the air. This obviously opens up a whole other conflict and Lisa’s like hey screw you guys I’m having a lovely afternoon with my husband while he’s still able to walk and talk and I’m over this shit. Brandi clears it up that she didn’t actually hang up though…soo we good? No we’re not. The conversation ends with an “I hope to see you?” “Okay?” and it’s the most confusing resolution to a convo BUT leaves the window open to further continue to drag this stupid fight on for the rest of the season.

Random Highlights:

-All the cringes in the world every time we see Lisa as a talking head wearing an off the shoulder, emerald green, shiny ball gown that is basically showing her nipples. That’s SOMEBODY’S MOTHER.

-The ice queen’s ringtone is classical music. I can’t decide if this is fitting or a curveball.

-Rinna with the quote of the night, “I get high off of everything”. PLEASE make an episode where Rinna, Brandi and Kim eat pot brownies, Andy.

Nashville, Television

Nashville Recap-“I’m Coming Home To You”


Welcome back, Nashies. Remember how they promoted the fake CMA’s tirelessly? Yeah we get another week of that apparently…they’re really milking this. Thanks for the tease, ABC. This episode starts out with a 2 months later time stamp. I’m gonna go out on a limb here and guess that they did this JUST so they could show an actually IRL (in real life) pregnant Juliette Barnes/Hayden Panettiere and stop assuming their viewers are a bunch of dum dums who think she’s just gained some face weight. On the subject of Juliette, her and Avery have transitioned from hating each other to a bickering dysfunctional couple preparing for a baby. It seems each week we’re going to start with Avery delivering zingers to Juliette and slowly warming up to her by the end of the episode. (Until they’re inevitably back together, just in time for baby’s arrival). This week’s installment started with Juliette reminding Avery that they had sex to make this baby and him replying, “Well all we’re having now is a baby” in front of the super uncomfy doctor. Burn baby burn. But then slowly but surely Avery bought the top of the line crib (this baby will be a superstar after all) and agreed to lamaze classes at the end and–cue cliche baby moment– feels the baby kick. Also the Nashville twitter account took it upon themselves to refer to Nashville’s future Blue Ivy as “Javery’s” baby and I vomited all over the place. WHEN WILL IT END?!

Speaking of puke, in two months time, Gunnar, Zoey and Micah became a little domestic happy family of uncommon names, right down to father and son playing catch in the yard and stepmommy Zoey yelling out that dinner’s ready. We obviously soon learn that Zoey hates being a housewife and is still thirsty for fame, while boyfriend of the year Gunnar doesn’t think she’s mad about it because “she hasn’t complained”. It’s all in the eyes, Gunnar, all in the eyes. Micah’s actual mom wins mom of the year by immediately shoving her son off on Gunnar and Zoey in pursuit of a boyfriend. Let this be a lesson, don’t let your kids get in your way of your dreams. Quick observation: every time Gunnar hugs ANYONE, I expect to see Zoey peering out from around the corner with crazy eyes. These two (now three) have a bright future.

Another bright future coming our way is the new and improved Layla Grant. Apparently in her two month break she put down the mini bottles and decided to channel her anger into some new tunes. The debut of her quiet Bambi-like personality raised a few red flags with me that it was just a scheme but it seemed to hold up and she got out of her own way to write a decent song that everyone, including her closeted husband, was a little too surprised at. Yikes, Layla, even your friends thought you sucked. We got to see a peaceful Will and Layla for about half of the episode until they attend the premiere of their reality show “Love and Country”. Apparently dumb and dumber are the only two young people in America who don’t know how reality shows work. Reality shows are for showing excessive and unnecessary drama for ratings and this one really delivered. If it were a real show I’d totes watch it. Apparently we’re far removed enough from the Newlyweds: Nick and Jessica days to be completely copying it because they made Layla into Jessica Simpson 2.0. For the record, there was a laugh track to her trying to use a can opener (for chicken or tuna?) and I object. I know firsthand how hard can openers are to use, having broken every one I’ve ever touched and almost needing a tetanus shot last year after resorting to a butcher knife. I stand by Layla on this one. SHIT’S IMPOSSIBLE.

You know what else is impossible? Juggling the cover of Rolling Stone magazine and family bonding time. (Feel free to start giving me awards for these smooth transitions). Rayna pouts this episode that decisions are the woooorst as she chooses fame over QT. Dramatic sigh. A nosy reporter follows her around all weekend as she makes wedding plans with Luke and he finally shows some emotion–he’s horny, guys. There are about 4 instances when Luke brings it to our attention that they’ve been apart for a LOOOONGG time. Even an ode to long distance sex when he says Skype just isn’t the same. Finally Rayna gives him the sassy one-finger gesture (…the one moms give to their annoying kids to tell them to wait quietly) and Luke loses his SHIT. Uh, uh honey. He exclaims in the parking lot “WE HAVEN’T EVEN HELD HANDS!!” We get it Luke, you need to bone…stat. They probably would’ve gotten down to biz but they were sidetracked by finding their kids macking it in the dark on the couch, with reporter in tow. EXTRA EXTRA READ ALL ABOUT IT, A-LIST INCEST. Calm down guys, Colt defends it, “we were just making out, it’s NBD.” We can clearly see why he’s so irresistible. Maddie’s obv going through a bad boy phase. Rayna sits Maddie down for an incest chat and then has to pimp out her history with Deacon to the Rolling Stone reporter just so that her twat of a daughter isn’t tabloid shamed. All is well with Ruke/Layna at the end as they slow dance and say wedding vows (this is the only time this will ever happen on the show so cherish it.)

Alright let’s wrap it up with the minor story lines of the week. The throwaways, if you will. Deacon had a cold, continued to talk about Rayna and finally kicked ole Pammy to the curb (hopefully for good). Scarlett and homeless friend with the voice of an angel, Terry, wrote music and decided to face their fears together by hitting the stage for a duet at the Bluebird obv. Also we learn that Terry’s whole family is dead, because of course. Bachelor Teddy and his frat bro buddy Jeff Fordham took a week off, probably in Vegas doing coke and banging strippers.

Things to look forward to:
-Deacon probably almost hitting the sauce again and some angry confrontations once that unauthorized tell-all hits the tabs.
-Better songs…this week we had four and they were pretty lackluster. Rayna’s straight up sucked, but she tried to distract by showing everything but nip in a sparkly dress on DWTS. Juliette’s has potential but it’s not fiery like I know she can be, Layla’s was bleh and Scarlett’s duet with Terry I could take or leave. NEED some fresh Scarlett & Gunnar tunes STAT.
-More of Nashville’s “dramatic statement+guitar riff leads to commercial break” formula. Turn it into a drinking game every time this happens, I dare you. I would’ve been hammy sammied if I drank every time it happened in last night’s epi.
-Sage. Now that we’ve seen Luke’s mystery child and I’m guessing Rayna has for the first time too –we need more. What’s Sage’s deal? Does she also make sick beats like her bad boy bro Colt?
-The implosion of Ruke/Layna at the CMA’s next week. *Insert guitar riff*