JUice

Weekly JUice

Week of 7/11/16

1. Bruh. Delete your Twitter. As if the Taylor/Calvin breakup wasn’t annoying enough, someone whispered into the wind that Tay actually wrote “This is What We Came For”-Calvin and RiRi’s smash summer hit under the pseudonym “Nils Sjoberg” (because that’s a normal name to come up with on the fly) and wanted to keep it a secret so as not to steal any spotlight from her then beau. Well spotlight has been ripped because the deed is done and instead of accepting that, Calvin took to twitter like a 9th grade girl scorned and writing a scathing away message to tell us all just what he thinks about that.

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When you’re surrounded by a team of people paid to make you look good at all times, at what point do they just change your twitter password and rip your phone from your hands? Calvin. Shhhh. You’re coming off really stupid right now. If you had left it at the first tweet everyone would’ve been like aw , that’s nice and carried on with their days. Instead you went on a whiny rant and dragged Katy Perry into the mix. Supes unnecessary. Meanwhile, Taylor’s busy cashing in on a very public romance tour with a guy who definitely isn’t as hot as you…and you won’t shut your yapper about it. Now that I’m done scolding Calv, I think it would be an ideal time to share with everyone that I’m now a Hiddleswift truther after reading two very convincing Buzzfeeds that their relationship is actually all part of a performance art piece ala Lemonade to drop in September. If you too would like to see the light of this hideously obnoxious music video in the making, click here for part one and here for part two. You may now go in peace to ignore all future movements by Hiddleswift and kick back for the main event in a few months.

2. Stop guessing if women are pregs just because we ate a big lunch. 

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If we are to believe that Taylor is purposefully flaunting all the stages of a relationship to send everyone a message to stop being so up in her shit about her love life, AND WE ARE, let’s add to the list that generally speaking the media should crawl out of the female vagina as a whole. What I’m referring to of course, is Jennifer Aniston’s essay as a result of someone trying to guess if she is pregnant for the 1 zillionth time. Spoiler alert: she’s not, and she’d like to have a little water weight without there being a twitter poll on what she’ll be naming her baby. And you know what? PREACH, GRL. I can’t tell you how many times I’ve been photographed frolicking on the beach in St. Barts and my friends are calling me non-stop to see why they had to find out from Star Magazine that I was expecting. JK. Or am I? No but seriously one time I posed in front of the Christmas tree in a form-fitting sweater with my hands in front of my stomach and my mom’s friend asked if I was pregnant. SO THE HURT IS REAL. Not only was it presumptuous to assume that I was getting some, but also IT WAS CHRISTMAS COOKIE SEASON. I had a belly full of cutouts and green frosting and that seems pretty obvious. But I digress, and applaud Jen for finally telling everyone to STFU, in an extremely classy and well-written way, like she should’ve done roughly 10 years ago. Read the complete post HERE!

3. Watch this with the lights down low.

Seriously at this point you understand that my crush on JJ Decker just by herself, and then Eric Decker just by himself and then the two of them as a couple is pretty overwhelming. Well, then they lay this shit on me?! Oh, let’s just frolic and make out and toss each other around like we do on any other Monday night at home! I think I actually drooled a little bit while watching this and I couldn’t even tell you who I was focusing on, because it doesn’t matter. They’re both gorge.

4.Elle Woods 4Ever.

Legally Blonde turned 15 years old this week so Reese Witherspoon showed us all she’s still got it with a bend and snap and also by trying on all of the movie’s original costumes that of course still fit her. She’s 40. What a babe. That pink golf hat should be burned at the stake though.

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Seriously. 😂💖 #LegallyBlonde15

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5. Emmy Noms Takeaway.

Browse very long list right hurrrrrrr.

I always get excited when shows I watched are nominated for Emmy’s because it proves to me that not everything I watch is t-rash. I’m gonna go out on a limb and say that Lip Sync Battle probably doesn’t belong on that list for “Outstanding Structured Reality Show”. Structured? Rly? Anyway, other highlights include UnReal and Constance Zimmer getting some recognition for being a boss bitch #moneydickpower. The People vs. OJ Simpson getting a lot of love (Sarah Paulson for the W) but like, did they toss David Schwimmer in there so he wouldn’t feel left out because his portrayal of Ross portraying Robert Kardashian was lolworthy. Even if he did spark a supercut of “Juice” that could basically be the theme song for this weekly installment. Making a Murderer squeezed in (props to me for jumping on that binge bandwagon) and Amy Schumer was of course littered throughout for her comedy specials and Inside Amy, because it is the year of her. Beyonce even got a little somethin somethin for Lemonade…further convincing me that I need to see that. Then I remember I have to buy it and say hmm better not. And those are my REAL educated overall gut reactions to the nomz. YA WELCOME.

BONUS: Blake is still kiLLin it.

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JUice

Weekly JUice

Week of 6/13/16

1. Everyone’s all up on Taylor’s Jock AGAIN.

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Honestly, People.com FIND YOUR CHILL. These screenshots were all from the day that news broke of Tay smooching Tom Hiddleston and it was downright embarrassing that they covered their website with these headlines.In a much more laid back way than People, I’d like to offer up the opinion that this is a weird rebound choice, tbh. Also Calvin deleting insta pics and unfollowing Tay on Twitter is a liiiiiiitttle high school and kind of defeats the “a relationship ended and what’s left is mutual love and respect” tweet post-breakup. Still doesn’t mean we need 15 stories dedicated to dissecting it. Jus sayin.

2. This is better than The Notebook rain scene.

Damn, Nick! This was hawt. At first I was like k, why is this B writhing in a bed and crying. Seemed pretty dramats for a song about not banging someone. Then they bang in a luxury rich people shower. And when I say bang, I mean he banged the diamond necklace right off of her. Fist bump. Say bang again.

3. Mila & Ashton Baby it up round 2.

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There should probs be a Hollywood law that you can’t procreate again until we’ve seen the first one. Seriously, what’s with all the privacy people? Tay pecks someone and it spews into 15 different stories but we can’t even get one peek at your baby? (cough cough Gosling cough) Anyway congratszzzz guys, I’m sure it will be cute af with a bizarro name. Editors Note: I used the google and actually found some pics of lil Wyatt which makes my whole blurb on this a moo point (cow’s opinion) but I’m too lazy to retype it. She’s adorbs, of course.

4. Could these two be cuter?

The answer is no, of course not. SUH CAYUTE. While we’re at it with posting insta’s from the Buckster, he’s really been on fire this week closing it off with this nostalgic gem:

 

5. I’m going through Chad withdrawals.

There was no Bachelorette this week and therefore, no Chad. So while I ordinarily don’t include bach news on the JUice (unless it’s an inevitable break up that I predicted, lookin at you Chris Soules) I needed to include this for a good laugh. This is Chad watching himself for the first time on the show and enjoying it just as much as I did. What a performance he gave us this season. Only 3 more days until we see his grand finale. Can’t w8. Side note: If you need humor today as much as I do, check out his entire instagram. It’s gold.

Bonus:

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#TheBachelorette re-voiced by kids.

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JUice

Weekly JUice

Week of 5/30/16

I feel bad that we haven’t JUiced together in a while (if that sounds disgusting to you, pls know that I laughed while typing it.) And although there were only a couple noteworthy news stories this week, I still decided to post, y’know FOR ALL MY FANZ.

1. Tayvin is dunzo.

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After a little over a year…or as every news media outlet feels the need to point out FIFTEEN MONTHS (as if their relationship was a newborn baby that goes by age in months until they turn 5) T and C have broken up. It is rumored that Calvin ended it, and the two broke the “silence” about it a day after the announcement with:

So like, it’s over. They probsicles won’t get back together and the world will keep turning. Were they a hawt AF couple? Duhs. Since I’ve built a blog on my snarky hot takes I’m just going to throw it out into the breeze that not too long ago Taylor decided to chop all her hair off and bleach it real hard, also changing her look to 90’s grunge in the process. I’m not SPECIFICALLY saying that this was the cause of the breakup but like… come on. Liam Hemsworth and Miley Cyrus ended their engagement rrrriiiight around the same time that Miley buzzed her head and started dressing like an off-duty stripper. Jus sayin. Tossing it right out there and you can feel free to toss it right back. I look forward to whatever hunk Tay snags in the future and hopefully an entire album full of All Too Well’s.

2. Zay-Gi is dunzo. (Did we ever even have a couple name for them? Whatever.)

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After seven months of dating and a suuuuper weird music video for Zayn’s solo debut, these two have also called it quits. I mean, they really crushed the Met Ball red carpet but other than that I pretty much had no investment in this relationship. Zayn’s kind of a turd for leaving 1D just so he could release a couple songs with F bombs in them that hint at bedroom times. GiGi’s a smokeshow and realistically Zayn was outkicking his coverage in the first place. Guess that means the SQUAD IS SINGLE (please read in WOO girl voice). Selena, GiGi and Tay about to be out wrecking dick this summer. Was that too graphic? Good. SQUAD SUMMER COMMENCE. (Hey girls, give me a call if someone’s out sick one night and you need another single lady to hit the town with.)

3. The Hills is 10 years old.

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10 years ago this week, we were introduced to a few 19 year olds who were juggling “work” and play in LA. That means 10 years ago I was dreaming of the day, when I too, was old enough to live by myself in the city and party hardy. Joke was really on me when I learned that young adulthood bloooows IRL when you don’t have a producer paying for everything. Anyway, usually the first to pretend The Hills didn’t exist, LC addressed the anniversary and announced a special to air August 2nd on MTV for the fans. It will include BTS stories and answer fan questions. YAAASSSSSSSS. Thanks for my belated bday gift, LC. THIS IS ALL I EVER WANTED. Then they took it one step too far and are supposedly shopping a movie idea around (which LC has yet to sign on for…good call.) The rough plot is modeled after a Sex & The City movie and will catch up with the ladies in their marriages/baby life. NO. THANKS. That literally sounds HORRIBLE. Following a bunch of morons around as they navigated their 20’s on “reality” tv? Gold. Following a bunch of moms for a 2 hour movie? Dirt. Here’s hoping that never happens and instead we get a kickass special where Stephanie Pratt finally tells us she’s learned the difference between a hamster and a guinea pig.

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4. Put your muffs away, ladies.

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OH IF IT’S FOR A GOOD CAUSE. BY. ALL. MEANS.

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This isn’t cute. This is junderwear. Junderwear is when Daisy Dukes get so short and tight that they basically just morph into your undercarriage and you’re essentially rolling around in a jean diaper. To be clear, this isn’t me body-shaming. I have a pair of jorts that slowly over time (100 pizzas and donuts later) turned into junderwear and I acknowledge the fact that they are such. IT DOESN’T MAKE THEM SEXY. IT JUST MAKES THEM JUNDIES. Regardless, this is it’s own headline on the JUice because I’m sick of famous ladies being like hey check out my RB curtains, IT’S FOR FEMINISM or IT’S FOR GUN CONTROL! LoLzzzz! Seeing a lady’s basement does not make me think harder about problems facing our world, and then influence me to take action. And that’s just a fact. THESE ARE NOT GOOD ENOUGH REASONS TO SHOW OFF YOUR BITS. And that seems preeeetttttyyyyyyy obvious. End. Rant.

5. Here’s a music video that made me confused.

Timeflies released a music video for their catchy jam Once in a While. Except it’s pretty weird. Either way I didn’t have five things to talk (type-yell) about this week so just enjoy this beat, feast your eyes on Cal and wonder what the motive was behind having a girls’ eyes spazz out and wink one at a time for a music video. That pool party looked fun though…my invite must’ve gotten lost in the mail.

PS Happy National Donut Day! I waited until I was safely in the confines of my vehicle to go to town on my frosted treat. Unfortunately, I was still technically at work and was caught red-handed taking a donut selfie. Whoops. Sometimes bragging to others is more important than actually enjoying the donut. Which I did. Real hard.

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JUice

Weekly JUice

Week of 3/14/16

1. Think twice before you eat food, YOU ANIMALS. 

This is Seth Rogen’s latest venture and obviously it has all the key players of a Seth Rogen production. It’s dirty and it has all of his BFF’s in it. Apparently it’s the very first R rated animated movie. I can definitely get down with it. Except for the whole bun character. I don’t need to stare at an animated vagina for 2 hours. Jus sayin. Really makes you think twice about how you’re considered a murderer every time you shovel food down your gullet. JK CARROTS CAN’T ACTUALLY TALK, GUYS. I’m going to go ahead and keep inhaling food at an alarming rate, thanks.

2. Child Stars who aren’t F’ed up.

Since everyone knows the 90’s was that hawt shit, today’s tv and movies are doing everything they can to feed off of that decade. Next up, a reality show featuring child stars Jodie Sweetin (Stephanie Tanner), Christine Lakin (Al Lambert), and Beverly Mitchell (Lucy Camden). It’s supposed to follow them now and show how well adjusted they are. (I guess we’re going to gloss right on over Jodie Sweetin’s casual meth addiction…) I’m not sure if this will be must-see TV. UNLESS Bev spills on what it was like to tongue Lance Bass on the set of 7th Heaven. Lucy may have been a diehard Christian but that didn’t stop her from being all about that bass and I’d love to hear some juicy deets.

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3. Taylor Swift the swimsuit model. 

Taylor and Calvin just rang in their one year and decided this week to celebrate with a bunch of bikini shots of Taylor in a tropical location. HOT DAMN legs for days. Who knew Tay had it in her? Suddenly the girl who only showed her belly button one time and it was front page news is striking mad sultry poses in a bikini (still no belly button b-t-dubbs.) Calvin’s bod ain’t so bad either, I guess.

4. Mariah tries to stay relevant.

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Mariah Carey got a reality show called “Mariah’s World” on the Kardashian network. When asked about the show, Mariah said,“I thought it would be a good opportunity to kind of, like, show my personality and who I am.” Since Mariah is a notorious asshole diva I’m assuming she’s trying to rehab her image a touch. Watch her plan her billion dollar wedding this summer on E!

5. Hit the gym, bruh.

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JUice

Weekly JUice

Week of 6/22/15

1. SELENA GOMEZ, YOU LITTLE MINX, YOU. New song from SelGo that has been teased for weeks, even bestie Tay chimed in that it was her favorite thing Selena’s ever done (bold) and the music video dropped this morning wherein she writhes around on a floor, on the couch, in a chair and in the shower. Get it, girl. Show Biebs what he gave up. This is one of those rare things that I included for my male readers, which I believe I have 0.0 of. But whatevs, enjoy your boner jamz cause Selena just wants to look good for YOU.

2. Magic Mike, As Told By Children. In this skit, JFall and Channing act out Magic Mike as written by elementary school kids and it’s supes cute. Mostly because we all know the real story of Magic Mike and it’s not about aliens or fixing bike tires, it’s about Mike’s magic penis grinding all up on some ladiezzz to the sweet, sweet melody of Ginuwine.

3. Seth and Amy Boom, Roast a Twitter troll. A Sports Illustrated guy tweeted something this week about how women’s sports are boring so Seth & Amy brought back the SNL Weekend Update “Really?!” bit to dump all over him and his sexist tweets. As a former soccer player (1 season, kindergarten) I can’t speak for if it’s entertaining to watch but I will say that it is EXHAUSTING to run up and down that field. I quit before the pros started looking at me because it was too much running, not enough orange slices during timeouts. Props to our ladies for having the stamina to run around in the World Cup.

4. Bristol Palin is preggerz. I don’t pretend to know anything about politics but I’m pretty sure the Palin’s paraded around like hardcore Christians and lil miss Bristol is on baby #2, unwed. Whoopsies! The best part about this isn’t the fact that she’s pregnant but the way that she announced it with, and I quote “I know this has been, and will be, a huge disappointment to my family, to my close friends, and to many of you.” This is basically the equivalent of being like shiiiiiitttt, I got knocked up again, saarrryyyy guys. No news yet on if baby daddy is the guy she just called off her wedding with…but you can be sure I will report it when I find out. It’s ok guys, I know how to tackle the hard-hitting news.

5. T.Swizzle, CEO of the Music Industry.

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As I’m sure you’ve heard by now, with just the tapping of a few keys, Tay brought Apple to it’s knees. (Unintentional but PRETTY POETIC rhyme right there.) Ok, so there was more to it than that but what’s really important here is that Apple was like hey we’re going to debut our new streaming service that completely copies Pandora and Spotify but it’s BETTER and we’re going to give everyone a 3 month trial fo freeeee, and Taylor was all Dear Apple, Ain’t nobody gettin my shit fo free and Apple was all, Dear Taylor, Ok. We’re sorry. Artists who don’t make billions from touring gave Ms. Swift a golf clap for repping the entire music industry and she just casually went back to playing with her cats.

Full Letter Here

Apple’s Response:

Calvin Harris supporting his boo:

I hope that you also write a letter this weekend and change the world. Or just get drunk and play outside in the sun. Same thing.

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