Harry probably follows The Salty Ju like nobody’s biz, saw that I was super disappointed in him last week for his hideous pics and he was like I gotchu girl. And he does. Looking past the mani because everything else is so on point. And by that I pretty much mean just his hair, because the silk scarf under his shirt is also a little odd.
2a. Sag city.
Tori Spelling is preggers again and it’s time to say enough is enough. These babies are basically walking out at this point. Her two youngest children are the same age right now. And they are not twins. We understand that Dean has a sex addiction and she’s trying to satisfy that, but like he should probably then take care of his side of things. It’s only fair. My vagina actually aches thinking about giving birth essentially twice in the same year. Ouch city.
2b. Lock it up.
Which leads me to my next story, Kelly Clarkson knows what’s up. After her second baby she was like k, we done here. She’s on a book tour this week or something and told Jenny McCarthy that while she was preggers she told her husband to “get fixed.” Take notes, Tori. Hashtag MiSs InDePenDeNt
3. Boston Strong.
This wasn’t a full trailer and it gave me chills. We all can LoL all we want at Mahky Mahk and his Dorchester upbringing and the fact that he is the epitome of the over the top MAHHH Boston accent. But like, this was definitely a huge deal for him to make this movie and he’s got a lot riding on it because of how much that day affected Boston. As someone who got to see the marathon firsthand last year, it was probably one of the coolest things to experience so many strangers actually being nice to each other so I can’t imagine what this day was like. I look forward to seeing this movie and how they’ll handle it. Fingers crossed Beantown is pleased and doesn’t disown Mahky Mahk or his funky bunch. (I can’t be serious ALL THE TIME.)
4. New jamz.
John Legend gave us some new catchy music about looouuuurrrveee and that little nugget Bruno does what he does best, takes a 70’s pop beat and grooves around to it in a shirt that gave me a headache. Not sold on 24K magic yet, but toss a little alcohol down my gullet and who knows, I might be gliding across the dance floor in my white leather loafers.
5. Kimmy K. Ugh ugh, ugh. I follow the no-Kardashians rule of thumb for my blog because they make enough press for themselves and they don’t need more attention. This was like the #1 story this week though and it is kind of a big deal so here we are. Bottom ranked on my list but also, slow news week. Ya girl Kimmy allegedly got robbed at gunpoint. That’s like pretty much all we know at this point because for once the fam has been tight-lipped about the incident. Kanye left mid-concert when it happened and has cancelled some future dates to be with his wifey. I’m not saying that this didn’t happen, but I’m not not saying it either. Everything about it just seems a little too fishy and America DID just experience Lochte-gate, so it’s very fresh in our minds that stories can be, how do I put this nicely, escalated. I will wait until further details are released but like, proceeding with caution & reasonable doubt.
1. Dusty Rose Levine. Congrats on your baby girl Adam and Behati, also congrats on naming her an adjective to describe a situation where things are dirty. Oh there’s a cobweb in the corner and a lot of leftover dirt piled up. That’s just our daughter Dusty. In a world (Hollywood) full of asshole names, this HAS to take the cake. And it’s not even because my family and I have spent an entire year calling things we don’t like “dust”. Although that certainly plays a factor. It’s also because whenever I hear the “name” Dusty, I will forever and always immediately think of Chris Brander with a mouth full of blood and probably a few teeth, spitting out “Dusty Lee” in fear.
But yeah, Dusty Rose will definitely never get made fun of for that name. Snaps for you.
2. RiP Brangelina. There’s no way I could’ve done a JUice without including this. When the news broke on Tuesday, I got scooped so hard that I was real bitter about it. My former co-worker who used to make fun of my sister and I for how much celebrity gossip we knew was the first to announce it to me and I was in utter distress. What made it worse was that I was at work and couldn’t keep tabs on all the best Rachel Green gifs flying around as a response. Work sucks, I know. (Little callback to the Blink days, you’re welcome for that.)
Even though I was PEZZED about not being the first to break the news–and you better bet once I was scooped I took out my megaphone and broke it to everyone around me at work. Unfortunately no one cared but whatevs, I still got the satisfaction. ANYWAY, this news wasn’t in the least bit surprising. Even Jen, the angel (and smokeshow) that she is, was like yeah I saw this coming. It took A LOT longer than anticipated, but we all knew that cheating on your wife and then getting stuck with a bazillion kids is not the way to rebound and Pitt would be over it sooner or later. Rumors are flying around town that he cheated with Marion Cotillard (she’s preggers and it’s not Brad’s so supposedly everyone can buzz off about that theory.) Now he’s under investigation for like shouting at his kids on a plane or something. Look, if the FBI could investigate parents for discipline then we can open the book on my entire childhood when spanking was still a thing. I once hid in my own closet to avoid a spanking. Typs child move though, go to the one place where there’s no escape, to hide. That’s why kids are dumb AF. But regardless, this will play out for like probably the next six months so pop your popcorn and buckle in. And as if it wasn’t blatantly obvious already: HASHTAG TEAM JEN. Seriously she won this breakup like forever ago.
3. Dad Jokes.
You know what’s super embarrassing? Being 13 and having your dad do LITERALLY ANYTHING near you. I said EWWW so many times when my dad spoke in my teen years that he used to beat me to it after everything he did. You know what’s even MORE embarrassing? Having your dad, formerly known as MARKY MARK rap about spanking you on a live radio show. YIIIIIIIIKES, Ella. I bet you regret telling dear ole dad to spit a few bars once he threw that down and then to add insult to injury outed you for losing your phone privileges. That’s like, social suicide. Ella can’t go back to school ever again unless you want her sitting in the bathroom at lunch and that’s obvious. Dad better hand out free Wahlburgers to smooth everything over. Also, I’m going to guess that Ella won’t be able to get a boy to call that contraband cell phone of hers until she’s like 35 with Mahk “I could’ve stopped 9/11” Wahlberg as her father.
4. Merry Christmas from the Tanners. Fuller House just dropped on Netflix in like April of 2016 and everyone “loved” it so much that they’re already announcing season 2 to arrive in early December. TWO SEASONS OF FULLER HOUSE IN ONE YEAR? WHAT DID WE DO TO DESERVE THIS? We laughed at terribly written and really bitter Olsen twins jokes. That’s what we did. Shame on all of you. I watched Fuller House because I’m a sucker for comebacks and I wanted to believe it would be great. Spoiler alert: it wasn’t. It turns out you can’t replicate 90’s gold like a toddler calling a stranger a cheesehead. Shout out to Michelle.
Fun fact: Full House also premiered 29 years ago this week and what’s impressive about that is last weekend I did a 90’s themed pub crawl wearing a Jesse and the Rippers tee and the majority of our competitors still referenced Forever. Because gr8 music and mullets never die. Let’s forget about the tacky DJ sequel and just live in a world where shirtless Uncle J can ask the sky just what we have…and it will show forever.
5. RYAN GOSLING.
These are the same thing every time but like honestly though, any time we get a coveted appearance from the Gos himself, it deserves it’s own slot on the JUice. Same goes for JT, duhs. Unfortunately he has exclusivity with JFall and probably will never be in one of these.
I’m posting this because like every other BB this summer, I had Closer on repeat. I even went so far as to name my summer pics FB album “We ain’t ever getting older” becuase it’s a personal goal of mine to never get older. Bottom line is that last week I learned that The Chainsmokers are a coupla frat boy doucheronis via their Billboard interview where they talked about how their music is better than God and all they do is drink and get laid. KEWL. The hot one even had the balls to say that MTV screwed him over by having him sing live at the VMA’s and choke real hard. That was your decision to sing amongst an entire show full of lip syncers. Sorry your voice isn’t good, dude. Anyway, if you want to give a lot of dirty looks to your computer, read their full article HERE! Otherwise, just enjoy the above tumble from THE GREATEST MUSICIANS OF ALL TIME. Closer still bangs though.
Our first Golden Globes post the Tina and Amy era and they were sorely missed. They weren’t even physically there to at least give us a glimpse of what we were missing. Ricky Gervais is famous for hosting the Globes a whole bunch of times and then getting fired because everyone had outrage over how mean his comedy was. And he certainly welcomed himself back without toning it down an inch last night. His first joke was about Caitlyn Jenner not doing a service to female drivers. Welp, someone actually died in that car accident so I’m gonna guess this one won’t go over so well but what a nice kickoff to the evening to see the uproarious crowd laughter for something so offensive. His monologue had a lot of jabs at females all around and he gave more than a few celebs the uncomfies. Good for him. His tendency to giggle at his own jokes and his British accent pretty much get him out of everything.
Full Discloszh: this recap may be missing a few things because my power went out mid-show like I live in a cabin out in the wilderness or something and I missed some action while the cable box slowly rebooted. The hardships I go through just to deliver a good recap. If the power tries to F with me again during Awards Season, National Grid is going to hear a thing or two from me.
Update: As of 11:21pm my power left me again only this time I was by myself and obviously convinced that someone cut it and was coming to kill me like I was Peyton Sawyer awaiting the wrath of Psycho Derek or something. #Blessed to be alive right now.
NO:
-The first bit of the night is Jonah Hill pretending to be the bear from The Revenant by making dumb jokes about honey while wearing a bear hat. It was bad on its own, but then half of it was bleeped out so what’s the fun in that? The only saving grace was hearing Channing “shitty comb over” Tatum ask Jonah what Leonardo Dicaprio tasted like.
-Rachel Bloom, lead actress of CW show “Crazy Ex-Girlfriend” unexpectedly wins and basically just gets onstage and shouts a lot while her boobs struggle to be freed from her very tight dress. In a one-sentence summary, my friend Lindsey said, “That was something.”
-The Golden Globes have been happening for a while now. In which case I would assume they have had ample time to solve the seating chart sitch. There should be no waiting as winners walk from the back of the theater and weave their way through tables to get to the stage.
– Lady Gaga and Taylor Kinney just had sex on a canvas and blasted pics of it everywhere but it must not have been that good because she didn’t even thank him in her speech. She was speechless though so that’s her excuse (as the music played her out.)
-It must’ve been a real rowdy crowd this year or someone in the control room got a little slap happy with the bleep but pretty much half of the show was cut out and the crowd was constantly being shushed like a classroom full of kindergarteners. Listen, I get that you’re trying to be family friendly but there’s a way to let the adults in the room insinuate what the joke is by bleeping out a word or two. I feel like I missed half the show (or at least the best parts) because of the over-censoring.
YES!:
-This dead guy.
-In a show where several presenters kind of just babbled and tried out new material that didn’t work so hot, Eva Longoria and America Ferrara nailed it with their bit about being confused for other Latina actresses. Accidental racism in Hollywood, it’s funny because it’s true.
-Jaimie Alexander (who was best dressed of the night, according to me) couldn’t read the teleprompter fast enough and asked who was typing it. This conjured up images of someone ferociously typing everything backstage and made me giggle. Also as a fellow shitty teleprompter operator–c’mon Jaimie. Act like a pro and adapt.
-A Schu & J. Law introduce clips of their movies AKA they just babble a bunch of words because Hollywood–and basic betches–are obsessed with their friendship so they could’ve pretty much done anything and people would eat that shit right up.
-Will Ferrell and Mark Wahlberg wished us a Happy New Year with their eyewear and Will politely asked everyone to stop snickering and chatting & acting like real buttholes. This might’ve been the only time I laughed out loud. Quickest way to get a full belly laugh from me is the word butthole. True story of an eight-year-old boy stuck in a 24-year-old female’s body.
-Don’t you even think of getting in Gaga’s way, Leo.
-Denzel wins the big award that is decided beforehand and his acceptance speech is still a hot mess. Bonus points for him and the wifey basically doing a sketch of my parents onstage though. He can’t find his speech, then he can’t read it because he doesn’t have his glasses. His wife can’t read it either because she doesn’t have her glasses. Welcome to the glasses shuffle every single time I try to show my parents something on my phone.
-Ryan Gosling drool city.
-Taraji wins for her role as Cookie and hands out cookies on her way up, which made me love her even more AND get real hungry. The sass comes out to play as she shouts at the guy helping her up the steps to get off her train. They try to play her off but they gonn’ learn that you don’t cut off Cookie. She takes her sweet ass time obviously.
-J.Law wants to be buried next to David O. Russell (Fun Fact.)
-LEO FINALLY WINS!!!!!!!! Always the bridesmaid, never the bride, Leonardo Dicaprio wins lead actor for The Revenant and of course gives a classy and composed speech, even as he’s being played off. The nerve that these turds had to play music over his long-awaited shining moment. He even found time to shout it out to his friends—~~YoU KnoW wHo u R~~ MD.BA.JL.JH
-I feel like Ricky Gervais harassing Mel Gibson on stage should’ve been hilarious but we didn’t get to hear half of it. We did get to hear Ricky’s last words of the show: “From myself and Mel Gibson, Shalom.” PS this is what was bleeped and it made good ole Mel real uncomfy.
In summary: If the Globes were this boring, I’m terrified for the Oscars.
1. Amy Schumer crushes Glamour’s Trailblazer Acceptance speech. Full disclosz: this speech was suuuuper inapprops,but also hilarious. It’s a dream of mine to one day also win an award from a well-established magazine in a foreign country and drop the term “cum dumpster” in my acceptance speech. Keep on keepin on, Amy…you give me life goals.
2. Iggy Azalea stole my future engagement ring. Swaggy P got down on one swagalicious knee and proposed to Iggy Azalea this past week and gave her largest canary diamond I could ever dream of trying on my dainty finger.
Jelly is an understatement for how I’m feeling about this rock. Hey future husband…if you’re out there and reading my stupid blog scheming up the best way to sweep me off my feet it’s with this exact ring, so like start saving or rob a bank or something and make it happen. Also please be tall. Thank you and goodnight.
3. Full House released unauthorized nightmares. This is the cast pic.
It’s so ridiculous that even Uncle Joey tweeted it out and was like LAWLZ. So I guess you could say they nailed it.
4. Kim Richards is outtie 5000 on Real Housewives and Kyle Richards is producing a show about their childhood. One Sisters Richards bows out of the reality TV show that probably fueled her alcoholism (it’s for the best) while another Sisters Richards decided to exploit their childhood for a new show on TVLand. Sounds about right. Most importantly…what does Kathy Hilton think about all of this?! Stay relevant, ladiezzzz.
5. Juicy Tidbits. Lance Bass posts a 90’s-licious TBT of the Spice Girls chumming with N*SYNC in what looks like a mall before any of them were famous. Everything about this picture is glorious, from Posh’s bitch face right down to JT’s Native American felt clogs.
Yeah, yeah, this happened Monday and technically now it’s old news but it would be embarrassing if I rounded up the best headlines from the week and glossed over this. If you saw this photo of the royals mingling with Will & Kate and didn’t immediately wonder what they could possibly talking about then I don’t want to know you as a person. I mean they could’ve been marrying off George and Blue Ivy for all we know. (Fingers crossed) Also Lebron James obviously tried to insert himself into the cool kids group, grammed a picture with Will & Kate and called them the Queen and the Prince and himself the King (naturally) and then quickly corrected it. He also took a lot of heat (pun intended) for how grabby he was with the Duchess and how that’s real frowned upon in England. Get it together, Lebron. Gawd. Stop making our country look trashy & sweaty.
PS In fresher Queen B news, she released a short film today for the one year anniversary of the secret album heard round the world. I watched it and considered including it in the juice, but it’s 11 mins and 30 seconds worth of cliche quotes and weird artsy scenes and I will not subject my readers to that. Watch at your own risk and be prepared to hear a lot of quotes you usually see on the poster in the Dentist’s office.
2. Marky Mark and Jimmy Fallon have a giant hand slapfest.
Do I have the maturity level of a 5 year old who couldn’t stop laughing at two grown men big hand slapping each other? Absolutely and I’ve come to terms with that. Mark has been in the news a lot lately for being a big jerk who wants to be pardoned for his near murder of a man when he was just a kid on the dirty streetz of Dorchestah. It was nice to see him settle down and have some nice goofy times with Jimmy, and also letting Jimmy mess up his stupid slicked hair. SLICKED HAIR ISN’T HOT MARKY MARK. But this is:
3. The Golden Globes and SAG Nominees were announced–which means we’re closer to more awards show recaps from yours truly!! The biggest jazz about this nominees list is that Ben Affleck got snubbed, as is now a tradition apparently. On the bright side, someone in a dark corner of the Internet released the uncut shower scene from Gone Girl and we can all bask in the glory of Ben’s junk. It’s unfortunate that the one quality movie I did see this year (Gone Girl) only got a few noms. So everyone can look forward to me fully focusing on making fun of the Golden Globes rather than giving film reviews, as I clearly don’t watch award-winning movies.
Golden Globe Full Nominee List:
BEST MOTION PICTURE, DRAMA Boyhood
Selma
The Imitation Game
The Theory of Everything
Foxcatcher
BEST ACTRESS, MOTION PICTURE, DRAMA
Julianne Moore, Still Alice
Reese Witherspoon, Wild
Rosamund Pike, Gone Girl
Felicity Jones, The Theory of Everything
Jennifer Aniston, Cake
BEST ACTOR, MOTION PICTURE DRAMA
Eddie Redmayne, The Theory of Everything
Benedict Cumberbatch, The Imitation Game
Steve Carell, Foxcatcher
David Oyelowo, Selma Jake Gyllenhaal, Nightcrawler
BEST DIRECTOR
Richard Linklater, Boyhood
Alejandro González Iñárritu, Birdman
Ava DuVernay, Selma
David Fincher, Gone Girl
Wes Anderson, The Grand Budapest Hotel
BEST TV DRAMA The Good Wife
Downton Abbey
Game of Thrones
The Affair
House of Cards
BEST ACTOR, TV SERIES, DRAMA
Kevin Spacey, House of Cards
Clive Owen, The Knick
Dominic West, The Affair
James Spader, The Blacklist
Liev Schreiber, Ray Donovan
BEST ACTRESS, TV SERIES, DRAMA
Julianna Margulies, The Good Wife
Robin Wright, House of Cards
Viola Davis, How to Get Away With Murder
Ruth Wilson, The Affair
Claire Danes, Homeland
BEST MOTION PICTURE, MUSICAL OR COMEDY Birdman
Into the Woods
St. Vincent
Pride
The Grand Budapest Hotel
BEST ACTRESS, MOTION PICTURE, MUSICAL OR COMEDY
Emily Blunt, Into the Woods
Amy Adams, Big Eyes
Julianne Moore, Maps to the Stars
Helen Mirren, The Hundred-Foot Journey
Quvenzhané Wallis, Annie
BEST ACTOR, MOTION PICTURE, MUSICAL OR COMEDY Michael Keaton, Birdman
Ralph Fiennes, The Grand Budapest Hotel
Bill Murray, St. Vincent
Joaquin Phoenix, Inherent Vice
Christoph Waltz, Big Eyes
BEST TV COMEDY Girls
Jane the Virgin
Orange Is the New Black
Silicon Valley
Transparent
BEST ACTRESS IN A TV SERIES, COMEDY
Julia Louis-Dreyfus, Veep
Taylor Schilling, Orange Is the New Black
Lena Dunham, Girls
Gina Rodriguez, Jane the Virgin
Edie Falco, Nurse Jackie
BEST ACTOR IN A TV SERIES, COMEDY
Don Cheadle, House of Lies
Ricky Gervais, Derek
Jeffrey Tambor, Transparent
Louis C.K., Louie
William H. Macy, Shameless
BEST TV MINISERIES OR MOVIE True Detective
Fargo
The Normal Heart
Olive Kitteridge
The Missing
BEST ACTRESS IN A TV MINISERIES OR MOVIE
Frances McDormand, Olive Kitteridge
Maggie Gyllenhaal, The Honorable Woman
Jessica Lange, American Horror Story: Freak Show
Frances O’Connor, Missing
Allison Tolman, Fargo
BEST ACTOR IN A TV MINISERIES OR MOVIE
Matthew McConaughey, True Detective
Billy Bob Thornton, Fargo
Martin Freeman, Fargo
Woody Harrelson, True Detective
Mark Ruffalo, The Normal Heart
BEST SUPPORTING ACTRESS IN A TV SERIES, MINISERIES, OR MOTION PICTURE
Allison Janney, Mom
Uzo Aduba, Orange Is the New Black
Kathy Bates, American Horror Story: Freak Show
Michelle Monaghan, True Detective
Joan Frogatt, Downton Abbey
BEST SUPPORTING ACTOR IN A TV SERIES, MINISERIES, OR MOTION PICTURE
Matthew Bomer, The Normal Heart
Jon Voight, Ray Donovan
Bill Murray, Olive Kitteridge
Alan Cumming, The Good Wife
Colin Hanks, Fargo
BEST SCREENPLAY, MOTION PICTURE
Birdman
Boyhood
Gone Girl
The Grand Budapest Hotel
The Imitation Game
BEST FOREIGN LANGUAGE FILM Ida Tangerine Mandarin Leviathan Force Majeure Gett: The Trial of Viviane Amsalem
BEST SUPPORTING ACTOR, MOTION PICTURE
J.K. Simmons, Whiplash
Edward Norton, Birdman
Mark Ruffalo, Foxcatcher
Ethan Hawke, Boyhood
Robert Duvall, The Judge
BEST SUPPORTING ACTRESS, MOTION PICTURE
Patricia Arquette, Boyhood
Emma Stone, Birdman
Meryl Streep, Into the Woods
Keira Knightley, The Imitation Game
Jessica Chastain, A Most Violent Year
BEST ANIMATED FEATURE FILM
The Lego Movie
Big Hero 6
How to Train Your Dragon 2
The Boxtrolls
The Book of Life
BEST ORIGINAL SONG
John Legend & Common, “Glory” (Selma)
Lana Del Rey, “Big Eyes” (Big Eyes)
Patti Smith, “Mercy Is” (Noah)
Sia, “Opportunity” (Annie)
Lorde, “Yellow Flicker Beat” (The Hunger Games: Mockingjay — Part I)
BEST ORIGINAL SCORE
Johann Johannsson, The Theory of Everything
Alexandre Desplat, The Imitation Game
Trent Reznor & Atticus Ross, Gone Girl
Antonio Sanchez, Birdman
Hans Zimmer, Interstellar
4. Lauren Conrad was featured on a Pop Innovator special on E! last night and I couldn’t have been more excited to watch it. Trey made an appearance because he’s still a supportive BFF to LC and he also aged REAL well. It also featured the creator of Laguna Beach/The Hills, LC’s whole family, best friend & business partner and her agent. It was a behind the scenes look at the life of Lauren Conrad including some real adorbsies home videos and childhood photos. Things I learned: 1. LC’s 22 year old brother is a smoke, where has he been hiding? 2. LC was supposed to be at a soccer game the day they had auditions for Laguna Beach and she didn’t go and therefore was kicked off the team–LC was an ATHLETE?! 3. She agreed to do The Hills mostly for the paycheck…a TV show about her life is literally comparable to the rest of us taking a receptionist job right out of college..doing it for the paycheck/insurance. That immediately put my life into perspective. 4. Apparently the Teen Vogue internship was an actual internship (not all scripted) and she was expected to do intern things even though her cover photo hung on the wall in the office. Side note: Blaine made an appearance and is still very hot and was much nicer than he ever was on The Hills. 5. In case you hadn’t already figured it out, my girl crush on LC has grown three sizes since watching this. Plus she looked GREAT on the special:
5. Barbara Walters Announced Most Fascinating People on The View. Babs named: Neil Patrick Harris, Oprah Winfrey, Taylor Swift, Chelsea Handler, Michael Strahan, Scarlett Johansson, and David Koch will be featured in her annual most fascinating people special. The additional three interviewees will be revealed during the broadcast. I’m like 90% sure she picks the same people every year but if it’s a slow TV night you bet your bottom dollar I’ll be watching and possibly blogging about it. Might be good for some juicy TSwizzle tidbits.
Outfit on point as alwayz
Bonus: For my fellow New Girl fans (or Cuse people) Zooey Deschanel filmed fat Schmidt lip synching and dancing to Rihanna. (Follow link below)
The Salty Ju 