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Weekly JUice

Week of 9/19/2016

I’m doing a JUice this week…for OBVIOUS reasons.

1. Dusty Rose Levine. Congrats on your baby girl Adam and Behati, also congrats on naming her an adjective to describe a situation where things are dirty. Oh there’s a cobweb in the corner and a lot of leftover dirt piled up. That’s just our daughter Dusty. In a world (Hollywood) full of asshole names, this HAS to take the cake. And it’s not even because my family and I have spent an entire year calling things we don’t like “dust”. Although that certainly plays a factor. It’s also because whenever I hear the “name” Dusty, I will forever and always immediately think of Chris Brander with a mouth full of blood and probably a few teeth, spitting out “Dusty Lee” in fear.

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But yeah, Dusty Rose will definitely never get made fun of for that name. Snaps for you.

2. RiP Brangelina. There’s no way I could’ve done a JUice without including this. When the news broke on Tuesday, I got scooped so hard that I was real bitter about it. My former co-worker who used to make fun of my sister and I for how much celebrity gossip we knew was the first to announce it to me and I was in utter distress. What made it worse was that I was at work and couldn’t keep tabs on all the best Rachel Green gifs flying around as a response. Work sucks, I know. (Little callback to the Blink days, you’re welcome for that.)

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Even though I was PEZZED about not being the first to break the news–and you better bet once I was scooped I took out my megaphone and broke it to everyone around me at work. Unfortunately no one cared but whatevs, I still got the satisfaction. ANYWAY, this news wasn’t in the least bit surprising. Even Jen, the angel (and smokeshow) that she is, was like yeah I saw this coming. It took A LOT longer than anticipated, but we all knew that cheating on your wife and then getting stuck with a bazillion kids is not the way to rebound and Pitt would be over it sooner or later. Rumors are flying around town that he cheated with Marion Cotillard (she’s preggers and it’s not Brad’s so supposedly everyone can buzz off about that theory.) Now he’s under investigation for like shouting at his kids on a plane or something. Look, if the FBI could investigate parents for discipline then we can open the book on my entire childhood when spanking was still a thing. I once hid in my own closet to avoid a spanking. Typs child move though, go to the one place where there’s no escape, to hide. That’s why kids are dumb AF. But regardless, this will play out for like probably the next six months so pop your popcorn and buckle in. And as if it wasn’t blatantly obvious already: HASHTAG TEAM JEN. Seriously she won this breakup like forever ago.

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3. Dad Jokes. 

You know what’s super embarrassing? Being 13 and having your dad do LITERALLY ANYTHING near you. I said EWWW so many times when my dad spoke in my teen years that he used to beat me to it after everything he did. You know what’s even MORE embarrassing? Having your dad, formerly known as MARKY MARK rap about spanking you on a live radio show. YIIIIIIIIKES, Ella. I bet you regret telling dear ole dad to spit a few bars once he threw that down and then to add insult to injury outed you for losing your phone privileges. That’s like, social suicide. Ella can’t go back to school ever again unless you want her sitting in the bathroom at lunch and that’s obvious. Dad better hand out free Wahlburgers to smooth everything over. Also, I’m going to guess that Ella won’t be able to get a boy to call that contraband cell phone of hers until she’s like 35 with Mahk “I could’ve stopped 9/11” Wahlberg as her father.

4. Merry Christmas from the Tanners. Fuller House just dropped on Netflix in like April of 2016 and everyone “loved” it so much that they’re already announcing season 2 to arrive in early December. TWO SEASONS OF FULLER HOUSE IN ONE YEAR? WHAT DID WE DO TO DESERVE THIS? We laughed at terribly written and really bitter Olsen twins jokes. That’s what we did. Shame on all of you. I watched Fuller House because I’m a sucker for comebacks and I wanted to believe it would be great. Spoiler alert: it wasn’t. It turns out you can’t replicate 90’s gold like a toddler calling a stranger a cheesehead. Shout out to Michelle.

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Fun fact: Full House also premiered 29 years ago this week and what’s impressive about that is last weekend I did a 90’s themed pub crawl wearing a Jesse and the Rippers tee and the majority of our competitors still referenced Forever. Because gr8 music and mullets never die. Let’s forget about the tacky DJ sequel and just live in a world where shirtless Uncle J can ask the sky just what we have…and it will show forever.

5. RYAN GOSLING.

These are the same thing every time but like honestly though, any time we get a coveted appearance from the Gos himself, it deserves it’s own slot on the JUice. Same goes for JT, duhs. Unfortunately he has exclusivity with JFall and probably will never be in one of these.

BONUS: Let’s laugh at people falling.

I’m posting this because like every other BB this summer, I had Closer on repeat. I even went so far as to name my summer pics FB album “We ain’t ever getting older” becuase it’s a personal goal of mine to never get older. Bottom line is that last week I learned that The Chainsmokers are a coupla frat boy doucheronis via their Billboard interview where they talked about how their music is better than God and all they do is drink and get laid. KEWL. The hot one even had the balls to say that MTV screwed him over by having him sing live at the VMA’s and choke real hard. That was your decision to sing amongst an entire show full of lip syncers. Sorry your voice isn’t good, dude. Anyway, if you want to give a lot of dirty looks to your computer, read their full article HERE! Otherwise, just enjoy the above tumble from THE GREATEST MUSICIANS OF ALL TIME. Closer still bangs though.

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JUice

Weekly JUice

Week of 5/9/16

1. RyGos played us. Because of course we learn about a Ryan Gosling/Eva Mendes pregnancy like while they’re popping that thing out. Gos Girl #2 arrived this week and they’re really sticking with the Spanish names, as this one is Amada Lee Gosling. I did some research on the Google and Amada means “beloved” so I guess that kinda sucks for Esmeralda. She’s no longer the baby –who, face it, gets spoiled in every family AND she got the short end of the stick in the naming department. Roof stoof, girl. Since we’ve never even seen baby numero uno, don’t hold thy breath for a snapshot of the newb. Damn celebs and wanting their privacy. So selfish.

2. New HaWt Coups Alert.

Apparently Robert Buckley and Lea Michele are dating, which I approve of very much. Lea is a babe, Robert is a babe. Teen drama royalty. End of discussion.

3. What Would Playboy Spence Think? (WWPST?)

Our favorite LA slut, Brody Homeboy Jenner is finally settling down. I mean, realistically he was already settled for quite some time now but the ring makes it official. No more Vegas birthdays with Frankie and the boys, or smooching Jenn Bunney on her birthday. Clearly I’ve never moved on from a fictional reality show roughly 10 years ago. Whatever. Either way that’s a rock right there! Speaking of rocks, do you think Spencer will be invited to the wedding? And if so, will he give them marriage crystals? Okay. I’m done.

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4. Marla Hooch still has it.

Geena Davis' 2nd Annual Bentonville Film Festival Championing Women And Diverse Voices In Media - Day 6

A film festival staged a reunion for the movie A League of Their Own, because reunions are SAH HAWT right now. As beautiful as Marla Hooch was in the original film, if this picture is any indication, she’s still GOT IT. Hot damn, ladies! Sooks that they couldn’t get Rosie or Madonna… or even Jimmy Dugan. I feel cheated. JK I don’t because this picture made me laugh out loud.

5. Mikey Posner gets deep.

I saw a bunch of musicians tweeting about how this performance was a huge deal and since I suffer from severe FOMO, I powered up the ole YouTube and got to steppin to see what this was all about. Pretty cool considering this song as it was released was a techno beat and Mike stripping it down and making up lyrics on the spot made it a whole lot more relatable than poppin pillz on an island. Plus, if Matt Nathanson approves, SO DO I.

BONUS: Prince delivering burns from beyond the grave.

Prince, may he rest in peace, is still reminding the Kardashians that they’re garbage from 6 feet under. And I respect the hell out of it. First he kicks Kimmy off his stage for dancing terribly then he demands no Kardashians set foot on the same set as him. What a baller.

 

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JUice

Weekly JUice

Week of 4/11/16

1. Ryans make babies at the same damn time. Allegedly.

“Sources” and “Reports” say that Ryan Gosling/Eva Mendes & Ryan Reynolds/Blake Lively are both expecting baby numero dos. I’m not going to doubt the notion that hot people have sex all the time, so this seems about right for timing of expanding the families. Unfortunately I can’t really comment on how these babies will look because both couples have selfishly kept their kids private and not even given us one little peep via their instagram or whatever. Rude. Regardless, the two hottest Ryans in the world procreate at the same time and everything is all going to be okay. Fingers crossed for Blake’s bump debut at the Met Gala and prayers that Eva doesn’t wear sweatpants when she’s having a fat day for 9 months. Cause Ryan will dump her. Obviously.

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2.  Baby Boy Clarkson has arrived.

WHEW. So I wasn’t far off in assuming that she was about to drop some fluids all over the American Idol stage during that medley. Just a week later and that baby was OUT. Probably would’ve given Idol a little more clout if she dumped the kid out right on-air but whatever. No pics yet, but his name is Remington Alexander. River and Remington. Doesn’t get more country than that.

3. Move over, Uncle J.

Seriously, John Stamos may be top dog of comebacks and riding high this year (not literally, he is sober.) but he can be taken down with one single selfie. Uncle J, who? The Olsen twins have crawled out of their cave of ciggs to grace the social media world with an ultra cool black sunnies selfie. MK may still look just a touch like the cryptkeeper but Ashley is crushing this. I accept.

4. Megan Fox Should Go On Maury. 

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Megan is preggers again but also separated from hubs Brian Austin Green so America was like omgggggg who knocked her up?!?!?!? And she responded being like lolz I didn’t sleep with any of my co-stars. OBVIOUSLY Bri is the father, but the fact that Hollywood is a place where having babies with your co-stars is casj city apparently made this news. (This still isn’t really news but I’m stretching to find five blogworthy headlines this week.) Also this gives me a chance to formally complain about her role in New Girl this season. Could that have been a lamer guest star stint? She was like oh I’m so BA and hot and kewl and then falls in love with Nick and peaces out. Nice knowin ya, girl. Oh yeah, spoiler alert. As if New Girl is must-see TV enough to be worthy of a spoiler alert.

5. Here’s a picture of Jimmy Fallon trying out a mustache. (1:57 mark)

I used to watch the Tonight Show consistently and I stopped when I moved to poor people TV without a DVR but this made me want to start watching again…for little nuggets like this. Jimmy trying out the stache. For the record, I think it’s in everyone’s best interest that he never do it again. But also realistically that picture needs to be printed on a mug for the JT mugception joke.

 

Sorry for the subpar JUice, now go into the weekend and think about what we all did to deserve a shitty tour video for New Romantics. Think long and hard about it.

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JUice

Weekly JUice

Week of 12/7/15

1. Nominations for everyone but Omarion singing about buhholes.

It was nomination week apparently as the noms for Grammy’s, Golden Globes and SAGS were all announced. What’s to be noted about the Grammy’s? Omarion went on a Twitter rant about how this song:

A song with the lyric “But he’s gotta eat the booty like groceries” got snubbed by the most prestigious of musical awards. Who would’ve guessed. (PS I wish Omarion was still singing bump bump bump with the rest of b2k. That was fire flames beats.)

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Obviously Tay dominated the noms, see full list here!

Golden Globes & SAG‘s (Click for full lists) didn’t peak my interest as much probably because I’m uncultured and watch trash TV and hence don’t know a lot of the shows/movies nominated. Props to Amy Schumer for sneaking Trainwreck into the mix though.

2. A BFF superteam debut.

My heart was aflutter when I saw these pictures. I love Blake Lively. I love Taylor Swift. And now that they’ve found each other I couldn’t be more obsessed with their union. Everyone else in the ever growing T Swift squad can kick rocks compared to Blake. THEY TOOK A SELFIE WITH A ROO. Hey guys, I cradled a baby roo…can I come too?

 

PS As if Blake Lively could get ANY cooler, she posted this gem today:

3. Chanel #5 will never ever die.

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Dirty Dancing will be the next live musical act and they’ve cast their baby and I am horrified. After watching this season of Scream Queens and questioning EVERY DAMN WEEK why the worst actress and character in all the land, Chanel #5 narrowly escaped murder, the LAST thing I needed to hear is that she’s snagged a beloved lead role. This time around, I hope they put Baby in the corner and throw a blanket over her for the whole show cause YIKES.

4. The Sims are still a thing?

Carly Rae Jepsen released a song in Simlish. AKA the gibberish that the Sims speak. I’m downright shocked that this is still a game. It was kewl when I was like 11 and playing computer games where you could make the characters have sex was scandal for days. But kids now have like apps for porn and shit…I don’t really see the intrigue with building humans to say and do dirty stuff anymore. Also remember when One Tree Hill tried to make Sims relevant again by having Jamie create a virtual Dan and Uncle Keith “to be friends in cartoon Tree Hill.” Laughs on laughs.

5. Ryan Gosling 4ever.

RyRy hosted SNL last weekend and didn’t disappoint for his first time around. I very rarely watch the whole episode and I did this time and laughed at almost every skit. A lot of times because Ryan caught a case of the giggles, which was adorable but also because the skits were solid too. This was obviously the best for Ryan’s giggles but performance-wise I think we know who dominated here.

Bonus:

What an AGGRESSIVE post breakup move by Ben Affleck here. It’s one thing to have a tat here and there on your bulging muscles. It’s a whole other ball game to turn your entire back into a colorful Phoenix like you’re Harry from 1D.

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JUice, Uncategorized

Weekly JUice

Week of 11/16/15

1. David Beckham is the Sexiest Man Alive…and I approve wholeheartedly.

Last year I was fresh on the blog scene and I wrote a scathing disapproval of People’s choice. I stand by it 100% to this day but I have also never hidden my love for Becks and therefore I support him taking the W this year. The Beckham family is legit one of the most attractive families on this earth. The kids won the genetic lottery and David defines DiLF. I’m actually shocked that he hasn’t won the title yet…I can only hope that the people over the past 20 years who never chose him have subsequently been fired for their poor decision making. Anyway, if you want to watch the original unveiling via Jimmy Kimmel and laugh at how long it took his live audience to guess the man, please see below.

2. Charlie Sheen is no longer winning.

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So…yiiiiiikes. Charlie Sheen announced this week on the Today Show that he’s HIV positive. I mean, something tells me that when you publicly go off the rails, bang a bunch of hookers and do a bunch of drugs, you MIGHT catch a waft of the ole HIV. I bet he probably regrets being a real asshole to the world and yapping about how he had tiger blood running through his veins. Hindsight is 20/20. You know what’s bananas? I’ve been doing transcription of interviews about HIV and Hep C and I learned something new. Surprising, right? You probably thought I knew everything. But anyway, you can contract Hep C from sharing a toothbrush. A TOOTHBRUSH.

All this HIV talk has also sent me down memory lane to high school when Dan Davis, HIV positive motivational speaker came to my high school and scared the SHIT out of a bunch of kids whose idea of going crazy was stealing some of mom’s Mike’s Hard Lemonade and swigging them in the basement–not doing intravenous drugs. Obviously times have changed now, but in like 2004, a guy with a ponytail telling you that he could wipe a drop of blood on the seat in front of you and twenty years later someone could touch it and get infected was absolutely terrifying. He scared well. WHAT A DAD. (That very long sidebar was for the benefit of my fellow FM’ers..I also found a very ratchet video, should you want to hear his famous line IRL, FF to 31:36 here )

3. No Soup for you.

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After 22 seasons, (SHIT!) Joel McHale’s version of The Soup has been cancelled and the last episode will air December 18th. I’ve never actually popped a bag of popcorn and sat down to watch The Soup every Friday (?) night–I’m guessing no one else did either and that’s why it’s getting cancelled, but any time I happened to catch it on TV it was hilarious. There’s something about a network full of Kardashians allowing a man to eviscerate them for how stupid they are that brings a smile to my face. Joel’s mockery of foreign soap operas, The Bachelor, trashy MTV shows and his own network will absolutely be missed. Now that there’s no one to keep E! in check, I’m assuming the Kardashians will buy it.

4. Merry Christmas from SNL.

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Santa will be coming early this year in the form of SNL hosts. Ryan Gosling will be hosting on December 5th, allowing us to drool a little extra over him since he’s casually been in hiding since the birth of his child. And the holiday episode right before Christmas on Dec 19th will be hosted by Tina Fey and Amy Poehler. Hallelujah, Christ is born. Obviously this will feature the comeback of many old school SNL peeps because ratings, and I wouldn’t be surprised if JT snuck in there. Jus sayin. Set your DVRs.

5. First look at Ben the Bachelor.

The Bachelor released their trailer for the upcoming season with Ben Higgins, one of the most boring contestants I ever had to watch. He better spice it up for his own season. Although judging from this trailer, it looks like the producers took that job into their hands by delivering him twins. Ew times a thousand, ABC. Be grosser. The 1, 2 debut of identical twins from the limo was so tacky that I half expected Ben to say hubba, hubba. “Group hug?” wasn’t much better. As always I will be recapping the mayhem and possible fantasy suite twin threesome so stay tuned for THAT.

BONUS: They finally turned my life into a movie.

 

DOUBLE BONUS: Joseph Gordon-Levitt DID the damn thing as Janet Jackson. That choreography. Whoa.

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JUice

Weekly JUice

1. Blake Lively and Ryan Reynolds named their probably gorgeous daughter JAMES. WUT. Seriously, the amount that they annoyingly kept this name a secret until Ryan was finally hammered to death with name questions and finally he was like ITS JAMES, DAMNIT. I wish I never found out. It’s so Hollywood and I don’t want them to be Hollywood. Here’s hoping she goes by Jamie and we never have to think about this again. You let me down guys, but you’re still super attractive and cool so s’okay…I’ll let it slide. PS: James Reynolds sounds like an old British man who smokes cigars while wearing a houndstooth jacket. HOW DO PEOPLE NOT THINK ABOUT THESE THINGS WHILE NAMING THEIR CHILDREN?

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2. Miles Teller has lickable abs. Cutie pie Miles Teller revealed this before and after shot on Jimmy Fallon to show how he’s preparing for his role as a famous wrestler or something. I don’t remember because once I saw these abs I lost control of my brain activity. Don’t look at the stache, just focus on chin, down. Gratuitous Friday drool sesh. Happy Spring indeed.

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3. Eva Mendes says sweatpants=single 4 lyfe. Apparently Eva Mendes named sweatpants as the number one cause of divorce. It’s not difficult to surmise why I think Eva is a turd…could just be a little bit of the green eyed monster of BITCH MADE A BABY WITH THE MOST PERFECT MAN IN AMERICA. First of all, yoga pants are classified as sweatpants and they make girls asses look phenomenal. So we can cut the shit with the sweatpants shaming. Second of all, do you think she’s literally doing everything she can to hang on to Ry Gos? I mean, look at him… Ryan_Gosling_GQ_Dec14_10 Girl probably wore sweats one time (right after she gave birth to their future model child with an actual female name) and he was like meh and so now she spearheads the no sweatpants unless you wanna get yo ass left campaign.

UPDATE: All that is Holy, RyGos tweeted about this story…he’s pro-sweats so everyone CTFD.

4. Zayn Malik leaves One Direction. Dramz going down on the 1D international tour as Zayn has peaced out and there are rumors swirling that he’s cheating on his fiance or hitting up rehab. I tapped into the world of 13 year olds (not that difficult considering I basically am one) for this piece of juice. I will give it to those 1Directioners though, kid’s dreamy. He’s no Harry..but still…

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Anyway the only rehab I hope that he’s considering is one for wearing these TERRIBLE headbands to hold back his luscious locks. No seriously, even when these were in style in roughly 1998 I hated them because they basically punctured my cranium. Never forget.

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5. Kelly Clarkson rips a Tracy Chapman cover like nobody’s biz. KClark making a comeback with a new album and reminding us why she’s the OG of American Idol when she wails out this cover of Give Me One Reason.

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Pop Culture

Sexiest Man ALIVE?

His hair looks like a wig.

His hair looks like a wig.

Here’s the deal, People. I get it that your Sexiest Man Alive award is coveted every year and the announcement is a big to do…but I call bullshit on it. That’s right, you heard me, I’m calling bullshit on the Sexiest Man Alive. The bitterness of that statement is mostly on principle alone that not once has People acknowledged the ACTUAL sexiest man alive, Ryan Gosling. Yeah that’s right…this may have been an argument years ago but it wasn’t over. AND IT STILL ISN’T OVER. They ignored the whispers when he became everyone’s dream man in The Notebook, they drowned out the white noise when he sparked the creation of the “Hey Girl” memes, and finally when he flawlessly hoisted Emma Stone into the dirty dancing lift in Crazy Stupid Love, shirtless, People put their blinders up. Yeah, he’s totally not Sexiest Man Alive material.
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I was willing to let it slide because they have featured some pretty boys (I mean Ryan Reynolds is a close second to RyGos, plus he happened to marry my number one girl crush so there’s that…) but this year’s crowning has got me all in a tizzie again. I can’t be the only one who realized that they chose the less hot brother in a family of attractive brothers, right? Like I may be ranting about it but we were all thinking it…Liam is way hotter. Yeah, he might’ve had a lapse of judgement when he dated and then PROPOSED to Miley Cyrus but it’s obvious that she was wearing her Hannah Montana wig for the few years that they were together, and then once she abruptly took it off and became tongue out, bleached buzz cut, twerking Miley, he was like SHIT time to cut my losses and run. So we can all forgive him for that. My forgiveness ends there. It’s not like Chris Hemsworth is more famous than Liam…they both are leading men in huge movie franchises currently…they’re both buff with Australian accents, one just happens to be married with kids, how wholesome of People to choose that one.
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There’s also already been backlash that this was the year of Chris Pratt and he was robbed of the title. Although I’m not as voracious in fighting for Chris as I am for Ryan, I can’t disagree. Chris is the all around guy-next-door media dream. He cracks jokes, he posts gym selfies, he’s married to straight up goon Anna Faris and if you watched that video of him french braiding an intern’s hair while doing an interview I think you know why he deserved it. What a guy. Does Chris Hemsworth know how to braid hair? I rest my case.
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Unrelated observation: I don’t see Leonardo DiCaprio on this list….he just turned 40 and he’s still a smoke…what a slap in the face. He gets Oscar snuffs left and right and you can’t even hand him a cover for being downright sexy? Brad Pitt was crowned twice, George Clooney twice, even JOHNNY DEPP got a twofer. That’s suuuuuper embarrassing. Time to clean house, People…if you’re looking for someone to come on board and have strong opinions about today’s hot famous men, I think I know of someone who’s looking for employment…call me, beep me, if you wanna reach me. (When ya wanna page me…it’s ok.)
See Full List below:

1985 Mel Gibson 29

1986 Mark Harmon 34

1987 Harry Hamlin 35

1988 John F. Kennedy, Jr. 27

1989 Sean Connery 59

1990 Tom Cruise 28

1991 Patrick Swayze 38

1992 Nick Nolte 51

1993 Richard Gere (1) 44

1995 Brad Pitt (1) 31

1996 Denzel Washington 41

1997 George Clooney (1) 36

1998 Harrison Ford 56

1999 Richard Gere (2) 50

2000 Brad Pitt (2) 36

2001 Pierce Brosnan 48

2002 Ben Affleck 30

2003 Johnny Depp (1) 40

2004 Jude Law 31

2005 Matthew McConaughey36

2006 George Clooney (2) 45

2007 Matt Damon 37

2008 Hugh Jackman 40

2009 Johnny Depp (2) 46

2010 Ryan Reynolds 34

2011 Bradley Cooper 36

2012 Channing Tatum 32

2013 Adam Levine 34

2014 Chris Hemsworth 31

 

(Via Wikipedia…the bible of the internet)

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