Music, Television

TimberBowl Recap

I haven’t made it a regular thing to recap the Super Bowl. In fact, the last time I did was #49, the year of Left Shark and my very first Super Bowl win that affected my life. The Pats won, I was working in downtown Boston and got to pretend to be a fan in order to leave work for 90% of the day and watch the parade. Gronk pointed at me, I creeped on Brady and Edelman, it was a win win for everyone really. (Not so much this year…ZING.) Anyway, I got carried away there, the point of the story is, I’m gonna try and recap the Super Bowl for content again. And by recap I obviously mean laugh it up over some commercials and drool over mah main man JT.

Top Three Commercials (The only three that made me laugh):

Sprint Robots. I have the sense of humor of a five year old and this commercial was right up my alley. Robot looks this doc right in the eye and tells him he has a dumb face. BOOM. ROASTED. BY A ROBOT.

Doritos Blaze / Mountain Dew Ice. I’ve been a huge fan of Lip Sync Battle ever since it was just a sketch on Fallon and this is why. Having a celeb commit to performing someone else’s song and nailing every word is impressive. It’s even better when it’s not even close to what you expected coming out of their mouth. Peter Dinklage rapping Busta perfectly followed by Morgan Freeman doing Missy? Yes, please.

NFL Dirty Dancing.ย Odell Beckham Jr. and Eli Manning did the Dirrrrty and since we know OBJ has moves for days, they gave Eli the lead. And let me tell you, he was stiff as a board. Not one hip swivel that would’ve made Patrick Swayze proud.

Creepiest Commercial Award goes to: Steven Tyler driving a Kia and coming out of it a wax statue of his younger years. Seeing that was ALMOST as rough as his janky ass toes that he flaunts all over the joint.

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And finally, the real reason for this event…TIMBERBOWL TIME.

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JT kicked it off with Filthy (which I called, NBD but KBD), he struts his stuff and grinds on some betches and it’s gametime. He then dives into a medley of nothin but the hits, which isn’t really news because JT has only been putting out bangers for the past 20 years. What we do need to address is his wooftastic outfit. Busy AF mountain patterned coordinated separates, as he’s flanked by dancers wearing army green gauchos and red suspenders. YIKES. He’s really embracing this woodsy vibe I guess. This was strike one of the performance. (Adding a jacket for Suit & Tie on top of that barfarama didn’t help matters either, nor did it distract from that red handkerchief hanging from his neck.)

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#SBLII #PepsiHalftime @Pepsi @NFL #MOTW @thetnkids

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Strike two was taking it down halfway through for a piano solo and casual Prince projection that he played along with. I get that Prince is from Minnesota so it was supposed to be a nice tribute but like, odd way to do it. Shouts to the purple lights over the city though, cause that was cooler than watching a VHS projected on a bedsheet hanging behind his piano.

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Most importantly let’s talk about Mirrors and how it gave me chills and will continue to do so until the end of time. I wish the entire halftime performance was just him performing Mirrors, uncut. I would watch that all day, erreday. Oh yeah, and some 13 year old wiener got to take a billion selfies with JT during the trolls finale and clearly didn’t know the words to Can’t Stop the Feeling, which you have to be a moron not to know the words to. GET IT TOGETHER, KID. The internet has immediately roasted him for not having a clue who Justin even is. So now we’ve made him even more famous. Eye roll.

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Overall rating: Safe halftime show, wooftastic wardrobe, entertaining obviously but could’ve used more fun stuff (like maybe an N*SYNC reunion). Also that dancing?! Undie slush city.

PS Everyone can F all the way off with this shit about JT creating controversy by performing Rock Your Body without Janet Jackson. HEY WORLD, JANET JACKSON IS IRRELEVANT, JT GETTING THE HALFTIME SHOW IS NOT AN ATTACK ON HER OR HER RACE. STFU.

BONUS:ย Since I stayed up WAY past my bed time. Like WAY WAY (talking 2am, folks) to watch Jack Pearson traumatically die and then FINALLY the tonight show. Here’s some clippy clips. JT and JFall continued to make me giggle and feel as though I am a part of their bromance as they do silly voices and have inside jokes. Me too, guys! I’m in this too! Also Justin continued his new “outdoorsy” lewk with jeans, tims, a bright orange shirt and camo jacket. I’m a little peeved with him replacing the fedora with this weird Marv from Home Alone beanie. But whatevs. He performed two songs as well but lezzz be real, I stayed up just to watch him act like an idiot with his BFF Jimmy.

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JUice

Weekly JUice

Week of 1/1/2018

1. HE BACK.

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FRIDAY…

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๐Ÿ“ท @ryanmcginleystudios

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I mean if you’re gonna do the Super Bowl halftime show ya gotta have fresh music not associated with a Pixar movie and that’s pretty obvious. I was waiting for the announcement and having it come with the New Year did not disappoint. Is this video really weird? Yeah. Did I think we were about to get like a folk album with the way he’s talking about becoming one with the earth and his roots? Absolutely. It didn’t matter though. All that mattered is we’re getting new music from JT and Pharell thinks it’s dope. Cut to today when we have our very first single and it is NOT what I was expecting. Total curveball to be like I went back to Tennessee to find myself and live in the woods like Manbearpig and then drop a futuristic video about robots set to a funky beat. HUH?

So we’ve got this Steve Jobs lookin JT and then we have a robot breaking it down for a bunch of Asians and simulating sex with hoochie dancers. WHAT’S THE DEAL WITH THE ROBOTS? First Tay with Ready for It and now you lay this shit on me, JT? Is this a sign? Is 2018 the year we get taken over by robots? No comprendo. I can get on board with the song. I can’t get on board with the robots. Case closed.

2. That’s not hot.

Paris Hilton got engaged and we can all fawn over how big that ring is because obviously why would she get anything smaller but like come on. It’s ridiculous. I’m personally not into the pear shaped diamond to begin with but whatever shape that came in, a ring that big looks like it was picked up at a goodwill store while shopping for gaudy costumes, not a 20 carat diamond that cost $2 million. It takes over her whole hand and couldn’t be any more obnoxious than this tweet:

3. Carrie Underwood is fine.

Carrie released a statement to her fans this week about an accident that she had in November when she like slid on ice or something at home. Apparently she has been in hiding since the incident (who knew…) and suffered a facial injury that required 40-50 stitches and she warned everyone that she might not look the same but she’s grateful to be ok. Naturally everyone on this planet (me) immediately started furiously searching for pictures of said mangled face, knowing that she was probably being dramatic and SERIOUSLY…SHE LOOKS EXACTLY THE SAME.

Unless there’s some mouth trauma going on causing that closed mouth smile, I cannot imagine how she could release a statement preparing her fans for like half of her face to be gone or something. We can all calm down now. Also, her legs were unharmed in this entire tragedy and that’s all that really matters.

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4. Hoda’s Time 2 Shine.

kathieleehoda

Since that rat Matt Lauer left, ratings have gone up on the Today Show because every mom in America (including my own) switched back from GMA to enjoy a morning show not bogged down by a perv. There was a lot of kerfuffle about Matt Lauer not only sexually assualting all of the females but pushing out all of the male anchors so that his spot couldn’t be taken, which is fitting for his turd personality and therefore everyone was like OMG WHOSE GOING TO TAKE HIS SPOT?! Also please read this all with the most sarcasm in the world because I honestly forgot they were looking to replace Matt until the announcement was made this week but obviously mah gurl Hoda got the top spot and everyone is happy except for the sexist pigs of the world. Hoda’s fun and personable and cute and puts up with KLG hammered every day during the 10AM block so she deserves the hell out of this. Also don’t you dare sass about it on twitter cause Al “I pooped my pants in the white house” Roker will clap back at yo ass, BARB.

5. Bye 2017.

Look, you guys know when I’m searching for a 5th headline for the weekly JUice and I’m mailing it in. Let’s not tiptoe around it. I got nothin. So here’s a video of Cal from Timeflies covering the top songs of 2017 and getting rocked in the face with confetti by Rez.

And here’s a picture of my girl Demi stuntin that bod confidence. Why? Because you know how much I love her at the mo, and I’m just so proud of her progress. Just one friend believing in another. 2018 will be Demi’s year.

And that’s all I got for ya. Don’t forget the Golden Globes are this Sunday and everyone will be wearing black to royally F up my Red Carpet blog…or to make a statement about sexual assault in Hollywood, either one. Tune in so we can all trash it together on Monday.

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JUice

Weekly JUice

Week of 10/16/17

Took a significant break from JUicing because Hollywood’s not funny nor entertaining when every female is getting sexually assaulted. But in the spirit of another TSwift drop, I was forced out of retirement…again. (Also I started a new job and I had to test the waters on blogging at work. Turns out we Gucci.)

1. Nope.

Alright, I’m out. I mean it was bound to happen. If you’re going to release three songs from your probably only 13 track album (just release the whole damn thing already) I knew there was a chance I was going to hate one of them and here we are. Going from singing about sex in Ready For It.. to you’re too gorgeous for me and I’ll just get drunk and go home to my cats. Really Tay?! Grow up. This is 100% a song for her preteen superfans and I’m just far too mature for it, honestly. Everyone’s saying it’s about her new boyfriend Joe Alwyn who is not the type of gorgeous that you write a song about his face. (“Cause youโ€™re so gorgeous it actually hurts”)ย Scott Eastwood? Sure. This guy:

joe-alwyn

Not so much.

PS GTFO of here with adding children into a song. This isn’t Kidz Bop.

2. Everyone should watch this.

I had a really adult night where I gave myself a face mask and watched a YouTube documentary about a Disney star and I have 0.0 regrets about it. In fact, I encourage all of you to do the same. This doc was riveting. Probably because I’m unhealthily invested in the lives of celebs but also because I think Demi is wildly talented and got a bad rep just because she liked the nose candy. I mean, her and Selena were like toe to toe coming up from Disney and Selena ended up with more clout just because she didn’t go to rehab…which sucks because Demi actually has a good voice. But anyway, watch this for juicy tidbits about how she was a G-D trainwreck while touring with the JoBros at like 18. I mean think about it, this was the time when the Jonas Brothers were PEAK purity rings. And they’re touring with a girl whose trashing hotel rooms and punching backup dancers on a private jet. Quality entertainment. (I could’ve used even more BTS stories from this time, tbh.) Also there’s some great insight into her relashe with Wilmer Valderrama and how he literally wouldn’t talk to her until she turned 18. (Yeah, Ok.) Either way, fire up YouTube and treat yoself.

3. Ed Sheeran probably watched Demi’s doc.

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Apparently Ed just recently revealed that he, too has battled substance abuse. I mean it’s not hard being in Hollywood and using all of the things. Ed admitted that he got outta control and decided to go off the grid for a year to get his shit together. I think we can all collectively thank his boo, Cherry Seaborn. Because even though she has a stupid AF name, she influenced Ed to stop raging and without her we would not have Divide. True story.

4. JT is the perfect husband.

Do I support their marriage? No. Is it because I’m jelly? Yes. So here’s a little happy anniversary from me to the Timberlakes, by posting JT’s serenade to his wifey. Bet she really appreciated it as she sat at home taking care of their kid while he was out with the boyz doing a late night recording sesh. Jk she was probably drinking wine with Reese Witherspoon or something while the nanny watched their kid. Most importantly, JT is back in the studio.

5. Girl Crush Updates.

I don’t really have a fifth headline to blab about this week so instead let’s check in on my #1 and #2 girl crushes because they’ve both been on my radar this week. Blake Lively is promoting something. What is it? No idea. All I know is that whenever she promotes something she wears 100 cool ass outfits for press and looks like a total babe soda.

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The balls to my basket.

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Even though she wore a full men’s suit and a torn up bedazzled jersey, I still love her so much.

And mah gurl Sophia Bush signed a deal with 20th century to produce and star in new shows. Dunno anything else about it other than she best be gracing my TV in a new number one hit right quick. Click here for full story.

sophia-bush_0

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JUice

Weekly JUice

Week of 9/25/17

1. Kardashians Multiply Like Gremlins. (shouts to This Is Us)

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What a whirlwind of pregnancy announcements it’s been since last Friday. As soon as I published last week’s JUice, it hit the airwaves that Kylie Jenner is expecting a child with her rapper boyfriend who I didn’t even know she was dating. Kylie is 20. This “announcement” (even though no one from the fam confirmed it) came hot on the heels of their 10th anniversary special on E so ya gotta know Kris Puppetmaster Jenner was behind the whole thing. Still debating on if it’s a hoax that was used for ratings because we know everything must be on brand for this family and a borderline teen pregnancy doesn’t REALLY seem on brand. THEN at the beginning of this week it comes out that Khloe is pregnant as well. With her NBA boyfriend. JEEEZEEEEE. Again, no verbal confirmation from the family that never shuts up but I’m led to believe that Kris will be next at this point. Because you KNOW she needs to be a part of the attention and drama. Also fun fact: Kim and Kanye are expecting via surrogate. So basically, blink and they will multiply. And also, tune into their show because THEY’VE BEEN RAPING OUR TVS FOR 10 YEARS NOW. WUPH. (PS in case you were wondering I scooped everyone I know on both pregnancy announcements and it was a high like no other.)

kuetk

2. RIP Hef.

hef

That dirty dirty old man finally kicked the bucket and the world will forever remember him as a legend. Hef basically made sex slavery trendy and we were all fascinated by it. How does a man in his 70’s and 80’s have multiple girlfriends? I ate that shit right up. I watched the TV show and read all the articles. NEEDED to know the system that was in place that put one boobalicious blonde above another in the hierarchy of girlfriends for one geriatric gent. What were their roles? How often did they have sex? Regardless, when I heard the news of his passing I mentally gave a shout out to Crystal, his latest wife who is probably still in her 30’s. I was like wow, good for you girl. You snuck in at the bell, lived in his mansion and probably didn’t have to sex him up because he was beyond old as dirt at that point and now you will collect riches and have your full life ahead of you to start over. Except maybe NAHT because rumor has it he didn’t leave a dime for her. In which cause that BLOWS. But is also hilarious. Hef pulling one last prank from beyond the grave. GOTCHA, Crystal!!! Thanks for the blowies! (Is what I imagine he’s saying up in hussy heaven)

3. JT does LII.

jT

This isn’t really official yet but I want it to be SO bad. A JT halftime show is BOMB. He puts on the best show I’ve ever been to and I might just have to win the lottery and attend the actual super bowl, put up with bullshit football just to see this go down live. You know he’ll have MAD musician cameos because everyone loves him and the medley of fire hits would be unstoppable. I’m literally salivating as I type this looking forward to a halftime show for the first time since N*SYNC Britney and Aerosmith. Could it be a little risky because the last time JT graced the Super Bowl stage he pulled Janet Jackson’s nip out for the world to see? Kind of. But it’s been years. Give the guy a second chance to redeem himself. But also, nips are old hat. You’d have to do a whole lot more to shock today’s America and I’m ready to see what he has in store for us. LETZZZ GOOOOOOO.

4. JLD has breast cancer.

Well this sucks. She wins her 6th Emmy (breaking actual records) and finds out the next day that she has cancer. This wasn’t a happy scoop that I gave. BUT hopefully it will be when she beats it and everything will be fine again and she’ll keep slaying at every awards show ever.

5. Watch Channing Move DEM HIPS.

Yeah I get that it’s been two weeks in a row of me tossing in a James Corden vid but he’s just so goshdarn likeable. PLUS Channing. AND Magic Mike. Cue Ginuwine…and the weekend.

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JUice

Weekly JUice

Week of 3/27/17

I took a self-imposed hiatus because Hollywood has been BORING AF lately. It’s pretty selfish of celebrities to not give me something to razz them about, honestly. Lucky for you I found just enough to get back in the saddle this week. HAPPY WEEKEND!

1. FINALLY.

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SIGN.OF.THE.TIMES // 7.APRIL.17 //

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Our ears will be blessed next Friday with the only real solo act to come out of 1D that anyone should care about. Harry’s done pretending to be a serious actor and he better DELIVER on the music front after we had to wait this long. Mysterious wading in the water photo isn’t really giving us much but thank God it has already been announced that he’ll be the musical guest on SNL 4/15, with host Jimmy Fallon. Fingers crossed that JFall’s Harry meets real Harry in a skit, or we riot.

2. Whoa, baby.

Pregnant bellies kind of freak me out. Mostly because like, there’s a human in there and if I push too hard will it die? This is something I may never know. So preggers people rocking bikinis at the beach usually gives me the heebie jeebies. The minute I see a baby arm or leg move like it’s taking over your body I’M OUTTA THERE. But of course, leave it to LC to make pregnancy chic as hell. Perfect mani, cocktail and beach scene=realistic look at pregnancy.

3. Batting UP.

Look, ARod’s kind of a loser. He could never compare to Jeets and it’s embarrassing how obsessed he is with himself. But let’s be clear, there’s nothing more embarrassing than a nobody (who is this biddy?) telling you that you’re outkicking your coverage in a major way. Girl thinks she’s being cutesy with the sports reference but ain’t nothing gonna cover the fact that she straight up told ARod to his face that he’s not good enough for Jenny from the block. Facts only. Also they’ve been dating a casual 3 weeks so like maybe slow your roll with yapping about her on a talk show. She just got done banging Drake. It’s not going to last. Especially since you’re,ย hitting out of your weight class? IS THAT HOW YOU SAY IT? LOLOLOLOL. PS unrelated but kind of related…the 3 no name hosts plus Joy Behar saying that JLo liking chocolate chip cookies is breaking news made my eyes roll out of my skull and halfway across the room. HOW IS THIS SHOW STILL ON TV?

4. WHERE IS SUMMER.

Despite the fact that it’s rain/snowing in New York for THE NEXT TWO DAYS…I’m going to jam out to this new Thomas Rhett number and pretend warm weather is just around the corner. Ignore the fact that little hoebot Maren is featured on this. Pretend it’s his perfect wifey instead.

5. PUPPY BOUQUETS!

ยฉ Discover Love Studios - Brittany Boland - www.discoverlovestudios.com

This has literally nothing to do with anything other than the fact that it was an article on People today but if I’m in your wedding party and you don’t give me a puppy to take pictures with, you’re essentially dead to me. Group photos for weddings are the WORST. The way photographers direct women to pose is only setting us up for failure. “Blow a kiss”, “Walk toward the camera with sass” “Kick your foot up in the air” results in me looking like an awkward giraffe with my mouth open and/or eyes closed 98% of the time. Congrats on getting married, whose that weird bird who ruined all of your professional photos?! …is what I imagine everyone says when they view the final product. (Just me? Whatever) Either way, it’s IMPOSSIBLE to look like a spazz when you have a cuddly baby puppy wuppy in your arms.

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ยฉ Discover Love Studios - Brittany Boland - www.discoverlovestudios.comยฉ Discover Love Studios - Brittany Boland - www.discoverlovestudios.com

 

BONUS: Throwback Eye Candy, Love always, Mandy

Bucket Hat=Pure SEX.

DUBZ BONUS:ย LOL to the fact that Melissa Joan Hart is suddenly all omg I totally should’ve dated Ryan Reynolds back in the day. HE’S BLAKE’S MAN. BACK OFF, SABRINA. (That hair though.)

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Red Carpet

People’s Choice Awards 2017 Red Carpet

Even though the People’s Choice Awards are basically just a big slobberfest for CBS and not worthy of a watch…I still wanted to judge the looks. Shouts to JT for showing up and allowing me to unmute my TV for a mere 2 minutes this entire awards show. And Blake Lively for declaring via acceptance speech that Ryan Reynolds is hers and no one else can have him. Preach, girl.

WORST

People's Choice Awards 2017 - Arrivals

Did impeccable Danny Tanner pick out a suit coat and pants that don’t match?

People's Choice Awards 2017 - Arrivals

Not only is this cropped pinstripe look real weird, but so is his jazzy feet pose.

People's Choice Awards 2017 - Arrivals

I know for a fact that Lori Loughlin has a bangin bod and it’s a disservice to cover it with a literal curtain.

43rd Annual People's Choice Awards, Arrivals, Los Angeles, USA - 18 Jan 2017

Meh, CCB can do better.

People's Choice Awards 2017 - Arrivals

WHAT is this. Is it pants? Is it a dress? Why are her boobs a different color and fabric? SO many questions, so little time.

People's Choice Awards 2017 - Arrivals

Even though they lost their star member, Fifth Harmony is still sticking with the “we all wear scraps of fabric the same color and look like trash” for every red carpet. Don’t eva change.

43rd Annual People's Choice Awards, Arrivals, Los Angeles, USA - 18 Jan 2017

I guess it’s fitting because her breakout role was in an orange jumpsuit but c’mon.

43rd Annual People's Choice Awards, Arrivals, Los Angeles, USA - 18 Jan 2017

This dress sucks.ย Since I feel bad being so rough on Jenny from the Block, I’ll toss in there that when she won her award and cried and acted like it was an Oscar instead of something people voted for on Facebook, her pony looked sleek as hell.

43rd Annual People's Choice Awards, Arrivals, Los Angeles, USA - 18 Jan 2017

A dress equivalent to the beaded seat cover of the 70’s.

chrissullivan

WHY TOBY?! WHY.

BEST

43rd Annual People's Choice Awards, Arrivals, Los Angeles, USA - 18 Jan 2017

Host looking sharp AF.

43rd Annual People's Choice Awards, Arrivals, Los Angeles, USA - 18 Jan 2017

I think I’m obsessed with this look. Like, might be my favorite of the night if Blake Lively didn’t show up and steal my heart.

43rd Annual People's Choice Awards, Arrivals, Los Angeles, USA - 18 Jan 2017

The choker seals the deal here and that’s obvious.

People's Choice Awards 2017 - Red Carpet

No clue who this is but I’m all in on this outfit. Also proves that I’m not a pants h8er when done right.

People's Choice Awards 2017 - Arrivals

Daayyummnn with the leather dress.

People's Choice Awards 2017 - Arrivals

Fun & SaSsY.

People's Choice Awards 2017 - Arrivals

The red buttons with the red flash on the belt, I see you, Wilmer.

People's Choice Awards 2017 - Arrivals

This is pretty scandalous with that sky high slit but CBS needed a little near cooch slip.

43rd Annual People's Choice Awards, Arrivals, Los Angeles, USA - 18 Jan 2017

Fresh off his Greek vacay, Uncle J can do no wrong.

People's Choice Awards 2017 - Arrivals

Tommy Fre$h!

.43rd Annual People's Choice Awards, Arrivals, Los Angeles, USA - 18 Jan 2017

I love this more just because of the swish factor.

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Yes, please.

QUEEN OF THE NIGHT:

43rd Annual People's Choice Awards, Arrivals, Los Angeles, USA - 18 Jan 2017

SLAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY.

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Red Carpet

Golden Globes Red Carpet 2017

Welcome to this year’s Golden Globe Awards, where the sponsor was double stick tape. This time I decided to change things up (#newyearnewme) by actually showering on a Sunday. It made me feel a LITTLE better to judge others from my couch with clean hair for once. Also went back to the gym and rocked a killer return-to-the-gym workout outfit. Both of these random brags about my life were specifically included to show you JUST how qualified I am to beย forcing my fashion opinions down your throat.

NBC's "74th Annual Golden Globe Awards" - Arrivals

Sweet lab coat with a rosary hanging off it, Pharell. The black beanie really polishes off the look.

NBC's "74th Annual Golden Globe Awards" - Red Carpet Arrivals

I actually love this dress but I’m so over her hair being this short.

74th Annual Golden Globe Awards - Arrivals

Pantsuit.

74th Annual Golden Globe Awards - Arrivals

Last one was a pantsuit and this is a poop suit. Also, velvet, really?

74th Annual Golden Globe Awards - Arrivals

Love this dress, hate the hair.

NBC's "74th Annual Golden Globe Awards" - Arrivals

This is the Golden Globes, Jonah. Leave your kicks for the VMA’s.

74th Annual Golden Globe Awards - Arrivals

I get that Keri’s just trying to jump on the choker trend but pairing it with a Cheetah dress was really pushing it to Jersey Shore status.

74th Annual Golden Globe Awards, Arrivals, Los Angeles, USA - 08 Jan 2017

Are these pants? Is there supposed to be a split down the middle? It looks like she ripped her dress on a tree branch or something.

74th Annual Golden Globe Awards - Arrivals

Connie, GIRL, what is this?! One side tank, one side tee? Her left pit probably just gets extra sweaty.

NBC's "74th Annual Golden Globe Awards" - Red Carpet Arrivals

Can appreciate her going for the boobs out trend, this dress sucks though. It looks like something Kacey Musgraves would wear and that is NOT a compliment.

NBC's "74th Annual Golden Globe Awards" - Red Carpet Arrivals

No. Just no.

NBC's "74th Annual Golden Globe Awards" - Red Carpet Arrivals

It’s clear that I’m just hating the should cut outs of the night but also milkmaid braids on top of this made it 1 billion times worse.

74th Annual Golden Globe Awards - Arrivals

I’m a strong defender of the opinion that if Carrie’s legs aren’t showing, her look is garbage. Not only is she fully covered but the top is a disaster. People of twitter were comparing it to a vagina. Yikes.

74th Annual Golden Globe Awards, Arrivals, Los Angeles, USA - 08 Jan 2017

You know what would look really trendy? If we sewed a bird onto a dress amongst a bunch of chunky flowers.

74th Annual Golden Globe Awards, Arrivals, Los Angeles, USA - 08 Jan 2017

This is a bridesmaids dress from hell.

74th Annual Golden Globe Awards - Arrivals

Sienna Miller comin in hot looking like Wilma Flintstone.

74th Annual Golden Globe Awards, Arrivals, Los Angeles, USA - 08 Jan 2017

The skirt part is ok, the top and closing the deal with a bedazzled bow really turned it all to shit.

74th Annual Golden Globe Awards - Arrivals

Never a good idea for a white guy to wear a white tux.

NBC's "74th Annual Golden Globe Awards" - Red Carpet Arrivals

I stared at this picture thinking she was wearing white tights on her arms and then laughed for like 10 minutes. So that’s where we’re at.

emilyratajkowski

Do infinity times less.

74th Annual Golden Globe Awards, Arrivals, Los Angeles, USA - 08 Jan 2017

Equivalent to taking a bed sheet and tossing a belt around it, toga party style.

74th Annual Golden Globe Awards - Arrivals

Peplum AND a collar=barf.com

74th Annual Golden Globe Awards, Arrivals, Los Angeles, USA - 08 Jan 2017

I don’t mean to keep hating on the ladies who chose pants but I didn’t like any of these looks. Not even a leather bralette could sway me.

BEST

74th Annual Golden Globe Awards, Arrivals, Los Angeles, USA - 08 Jan 2017

Even though she’s essentially the same color as the dress, Emma’s obviously killing it otherwise.

blake

Um, hi you’re the perfect couple.

NBC's "74th Annual Golden Globe Awards" - Red Carpet Arrivals

This dress is a little scandalous but not quite as bad as half of Hollywood going nips out so I dig it.

74th Annual Golden Globe Awards, Arrivals, Los Angeles, USA - 08 Jan 2017

This is fun and simple and it kind of looks like she’s wearing a tiara, which is a boss move.

Entertainment: 74th Golden Globe Awards

Cuba may have sucked as OJ but this jacket is where it’s at.

74th Annual Golden Globe Awards - Arrivals

The guy who does drugs and goes to Disney World cleans up real well.

74th Annual Golden Globe Awards - Arrivals

It’s like a painting of perfection.

74th Annual Golden Globe Awards, Arrivals, Los Angeles, USA - 08 Jan 2017

I love the shit out of this and then there’s just like one stripe of fabric on her hip adorned with pins that makes no sense.

74th Annual Golden Globe Awards - Arrivals

Busy’s dress kinda sucks but Michelle is giving me all sorts of ideas for werking a ribbon choker into my lineup.

74th Annual Golden Globe Awards, Arrivals, Los Angeles, USA - 08 Jan 2017

The lip matches the dress!!!

74th Annual Golden Globe Awards, Arrivals, Los Angeles, USA - 08 Jan 2017

Preeettty sure I saw Anna Kendrick’s right nipple.

74th Annual Golden Globe Awards, Arrivals, Los Angeles, USA - 08 Jan 2017

The GOAT rocking Tom Ford and that’s obvious.

74th Annual Golden Globe Awards - Arrivals

JLD doesn’t age even for a second.

74th Annual Golden Globe Awards, Arrivals, Los Angeles, USA - 08 Jan 2017

There’s nothing I love more than when youngn’s in Hollywood dress for their age. BRAVO.

74th Annual Golden Globe Awards, Arrivals, Los Angeles, USA - 08 Jan 2017

Dayyummn, Dax.

74th Annual Golden Globe Awards, Arrivals, Los Angeles, USA - 08 Jan 2017

Why wear a necklace when your boobs can be the main attraction?

NBC's "74th Annual Golden Globe Awards" - Red Carpet Arrivals

Natalie is channeling Jackie O and I don’t hate it.

74th Annual Golden Globe Awards, Arrivals, Los Angeles, USA - 08 Jan 2017

I could literally stare at her chest all day. ALL DAY.

74th Annual Golden Globe Awards, Arrivals, Los Angeles, USA - 08 Jan 2017

Pretty sure Amy Adams has worn some variation of this dress before but if it ain’t broke don’t fix it.

NBC's "74th Annual Golden Globe Awards" - Red Carpet Arrivals

Yes, please.

74th Annual Golden Globe Awards, Executive Arrivals, Los Angeles, USA - 08 Jan 2017

This is the perfect princess gown.

74th Annual Golden Globe Awards, Arrivals, Los Angeles, USA - 08 Jan 2017

Get it, Felicity!

74th Annual Golden Globe Awards - Arrivals

Not sure how Kristin became an E red carpet correspondent but she looks fab.

74th Annual Golden Globe Awards, Arrivals, Los Angeles, USA - 08 Jan 2017

Shoutout to a fellow big booty.

74th Annual Golden Globe Awards, Arrivals, Los Angeles, USA - 08 Jan 2017

I wanted to hate this but I kinda can’t take my eyes off of it.

74th Annual Golden Globe Awards, Arrivals, Los Angeles, USA - 08 Jan 2017

BEDAZZLED shades to match his suit?! Fresh2death. Plus he’s got the hottest chick in the game rockin his chain.

74th Annual Golden Globe Awards, Arrivals, Los Angeles, USA - 08 Jan 2017

Another princess gown that I want to twirl around in. I believe this was the dress that motivated me to note that I’ll be needing a 360 cam for my wedding day so I can do a slow motion spin.

ryan-gosling

Remember how earlier I said white guys can’t wear white tuxes? Yeah, this doesn’t apply to Ryan. I need to change my undies just from a glance at this pic.

BEST LOOK:

mandymoore

Mandy Moore coming back in a BIG way. She looks flawless and out of all the stars that went tits out for the red carpet, sheย was my fave.

No recap for this show because I don’t think it could have been any more boring if they tried. No one got drunk and made an ass of themselves, no one gave a funny acceptance speech and there was NOT ENOUGH JT. But seriously, as soon as I heard JFall was hosting I anticipated all of the great things him and JT would do onstage and all we got was a 20 second cameo at the beginning and the next 3.5 hours were JT dry. That should be illegal.

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