JUice

Weekly JUice

Week of 4/27/2020

1. KCav & Cutty No Mo.

Kristin posted this on Sunday and as I was scrolling through Instagram I read it and was like haha what a funny prank and then remembered it was definitely not near April Fools and that this probably wasn’t a prank. After that realization, I read it aloud to my sister and immediately texted my friend to scoop her on it. Just because it’s sad and traumatizing news does not mean it shall go unscooped. As you might recall, Kristin, Jay, their family and their gay besties were all quarantined together in the Bahamas for several weeks. They seemed like they were having a ball (under the circumstances) playing games and drinking together, posting constantly on social media. Jay was often included and seemed happy and a part of it and not at all annoyed that his wife felt the need to utilize their family vacay for content creation. What a dream. THAT’S the kind of man that I want to marry. Except now it’s all a lie and love is dead. I will admit that against my better judgment and mostly due to an overwhelming boredom and nosiness, I began to tune into Very Cavallari this season once my sister promised me that it was more about Kristin and Jay and less about big-toothed sorority lookin’ bitches running a jewelry line and ho’ing out all over Nashville. I was pleasantly surprised at how much I was beginning to like Kristin, but if we’re being honest I was really tuning in for Jay. I lived for his dry sarcasm and eye rolls at the stupidity that is reality tv. It was riveting. Plus, I felt like they were a real couple that had their ups and downs and weren’t putting on an act. Cut to divorce. Obviously this ambiguous insta and going social media dark left a lot of lingering questions and really all we needed to do is sit back and wait for the deets to start flying. And boy oh boy have they been flying. We now know that they’ve been in rough shape for a while and they went on the trip knowing they’d be announcing their divorce. They fought constantly. Everyone in Nashville knew they were on the rocks, Jay’s parents never liked Kristin, the film crew of Very Cavallari witnessed him yelling at her a lot, belittling her and making her cry. Oh, and apparently Jay blindsided Kristin by filing for the big D, so she struck back by citing “inappropriate marital conduct” and asking for primary custody of the kids. AND she said he’s trying to stop her from buying a new house for herself (Let this be a lesson to all the girls out there, ALWAYS keep a separate checking account for yourself. Joint checking accounts are for boners.) If we can’t trust in love anymore, at least we can trust in knowing that the real dirt will always come out. These PR statements that celebs make upon splitting about loving each other and respecting each other don’t mean shit if you’re lawyering up HOARD and the steaming hot garbage of your relashe is pouring out to the press daily. Did Cutty cheat?! Will Kristin and Audrina become single moms out on the prowl, fighting over Justin Bobby again?! I’m sure we’ll all find out soon enough. You can count on me to keep you posted on the dramz……..regretfully so.

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2a. Oopsie Poopsie.

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I gotta be up front about this one and say that by scoop rules, I was scooped. I was hesitant to scoop it out because it was originally “reported” that she was pregnant and I didn’t want to be wrong and in that moment’s hesitation, my friend got me. If you’re wondering out loud why we’re both giant losers who need to be the first to announce celebrity gossip in order to feel alive, please know that you aren’t wrong.

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Since I’m the one with the blog, I could’ve easily spun this to say that I announce all celebrity gossip first, but I’m nothing if not brutally honest. I’ll take the L here. Losing a scoop is like losing the will to survive. I couldn’t even type that with a straight face. Put that on my gravestone tho, furreal. Anyway, beyond the fact that I missed out on delivering this juicy news (I bounced back by announcing it to my sister, she scoffed at me because she hates both of these individuals), let’s chat real quick about this trend for the youths of Hollywood where having a kid out of wedlock before you’re 25 is a badge of honor. That used to be frowned upon, no? Like in the real world, if you get preggers accidentally and you’re young, there’s a little yikes factor to that. A slight cloud of shame for bucking society standards. In Hollywood, it’s cool as shit to pop babies out while you’re still in your 20’s partying phase. A baby is just another cute accessory to wear matching crop tops with and you forget you even gave birth because your body bounces back so quick. Kylie Jenner was like I knew I was just meant to be a mom. No betch, you got knocked up and then put a spin zone on it. As we saw with Kylie, young parenthood doesn’t keep these couples together and you can bet your bottom dollar that Zayn and Gigi will not survive this. They’re already an unstable coups, breaking up every few months, Gigi just turned 25 and they’re both mega-famous and have careers in the spotlight. I give it a year before playing mom and dad wears off REAL QUICK. Also, just so I reinforce my legitimacy at reporting news, this was finally confirmed by the blessed Yolanda, who said she can’t wait to be an “Oma”. Then from the horses’ mouth herself, Gigi who announced it SOLO for Jimmy Fallon.

Double also, in Hollywood years I must be 95 years old because I’m 28, single and childless. When can I start cashing those retirement chexxxxxx? Triple also, let’s start betting on names to keep quarantine spicy.

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Note that normal name is last on the list of options because it’s absolutely preposterous to expect a normal name from two people who became famous in their pre-teens. Get outta here with that. Obviously since Gigi’s grandma recently passed, there will be an homage to her through first or middle name because they were close and the Hadid’s are all about that Dutch life even though they’re half Palestinian (kick rocks Mohamed, Team Yo foreva.) Zayn will not have a part in this baby’s name because he probably won’t stick around past teething. Shoutout to my gurl Kat for proposing the hard questions here and really provoking thought in the name of models getting accidentally pregnant.

2b. All of the Pregnancies.

Less triggering for me, sorry I hate youths, there were several other pregnancies announced this week. Katherine Schwarzenegger is expecting, which should come as a shock to no one because they’re supes Christian (that means they don’t use birth control…for all you heathens out there) and just got married so natch it’s babymakin time. Lea Michele didn’t announce but someone announced for her, to which my sister goes who cares, she’s not even married to a famous person. And she’s not wrong. Her husband’s name is Zandy, which I think is the real bone we have to pick here. Congrats on becoming a dad but WTF kind of a name is ZANDY?! Also, we see Lea with her gay BFF’s more than her actual husband, which doesn’t really paint a picture of a happy marriage but who am I to judge?! HAHA another sentence I couldn’t type without a burst of laughter. And lastly, Ashlee Simpson and Evan Ross are expecting another kiddie. May they name it something better than Jagger.

3. Cooch is an underrated word.

TMZ released some pics this week of Kendall hanging out with NBA player Devin Booker and let me tell you this is not the first NBA star Kendall has been linked to. Someone replied with a video of guys throwing a baby to each other and said “Kendall getting passed around the NBA”-I would include the tweet since it made me laugh out loud for use of video and coinciding burn but naturally the person has since deleted it in fear of getting internet cancelled. And Kendall came back with THIS:

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And honestly, I don’t care about the Kardashians other than to troll Kim on twitter for being the least self-aware person on this earth but this response is iconic. For all I know Kendall might’ve banged every player in the league…but referring to who she has sex with as “where i throw this cooch” was easily the coolest thing I’ve seen. Mostly because cooch is SUUUUUCH an underrated word. Every once in a while I’m reminded of a word that should be used WAY more in casual convo and this was one of those moments. Cooch is HILARIOUS. Not as derogatory as twat or vag or my personal jarring and overly-disgusting fave: roast beef curtains (RB Curtz for short). Cooch is perfectly suggestive without being offensive. The more that I read that sentence the more I’m convinced it should be a line in a Lizzo song. Maybe it is. I’m not LIT enough with hip hop so if she did steal this line from a rapper then I apologize. But credit where credit is due, that was a 10/10 response from Kendall Jenner. She flies under the radar because she has muuuuch more dramatic and self-obsessed sisters who usually take the spotlight. But a well-delivered cooch-throwing has just sky rocketed her back to the top. And if you don’t think I’m going to use every opportunity to push cooch into a convo then you don’t know me at AWL.

4. Buhholes Galore!

Societal rules don’t apply in quarantine, I guess. Butthole shots can now be justified by boredom according to Sofia Vergara. In case you didn’t already think she was a MILF, here’s her butthole next to her niece’s butthole. Can you tell them apart? Probably not! She’s 48 and her niece is 27. Yet here they are bhole twinnin it up. Just another day at the pool at Auntie Sofia’s bending over the railing to give her hot beefy husband a clear shot of two bholes as he probably does a waistband tuck! LOLOLOL. Say butthole again. BUTTHOLE. While we’re on the topic of buttholes, I recently started listening to Andrea Savage’s podcast entitled “Andrea Savage: A Grown-Up Woman #buttholes.” The idea of the podcast is to interview her friends and make people feel better about being an adult because even if you’re old and have kids and shit, you can still be immature and laugh at the word butthole. Every guest that comes on has to read their name and how they pronounce buttholes and let me tell you it makes me giggle every single time. I feel like the word buttholes, much like the word cooch, doesn’t get enough appreciation for how ridiculous and silly it is. I applaud Andrea for her work in re-emerging it into society and giving it the spotlight it deserves. Also, she’s super funny and her show I’m Sorry about her life is must-see TV–you can catch it on Netflix. And that’s my Ted Talk on BuTtHoLeS.

5. WE DID IT! 

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Last week I announced the reunion special of Parks and Rec and prayed to the Quarantine Gods that we didn’t get a steaming pile of dump reunion because we REALLY NEEDED SOMETHING GOOD. And thankfully, they delivered. The Parks and Rec reunion premiered last night and it was PERFECT. It was not at all forced, the storyline of Corona Virus meshed with the characters that they all played in the show and was a completely plausible plot for all of them, it wasn’t at all odd that they weren’t in the same place and they still made it unified and make sense. I CAN GO ON ALL DAY. BRAVO!!! A reunion done right. Most importantly, I was nervous that requesting the return of a B side character was a lofty expectation but I got my Jean Ralphio singing dumb words AND so many more side character cameos as well. And lastly, it ended with a heartwarming group singalong to one of the greatest fictional tunes of all time, 5,000 Candles in the Wind. If you’d like to listen to that song as well as my other top fictional hits, check out my baller playlist I made like 3 years ago HERE.

And if you missed the episode last night like I did because you were busy drinking on the kitchen floor with your sister for a skilled wine glass tiktok, you can catch it on YouTube here:

 

BONUS:

You didn’t honestly think I was going to reference acrobatic drinking and not plug it in full here did you?! In my never-ending quest to perfect a TikTok dance, I had the genius idea to learn the choreography from It’s Gonna Be Me and drop it in all y’all’s faces today, May 1st. Because I’m me, I watched it once or twice and was like I CAN DO THAT, especially because I know I’ve tried to learn it before back in the Darryn’s Dance Grooves days. To be generous, I gave myself a full week to learn it. I started practicing on a Wednesday. I watched several different TikToks and decided I needed more of a breakdown so I turned to Youtube for a slower tutorial. In a half hour, I learned the first two moves, which literally cover “Every little thing I do” in the chorus. That’s about 3 seconds of dancing. I immediately quit. I’ve never felt so defeated in my life. Arms and legs are NOT SUPPOSED TO MOVE IN OPPOSITE DIRECTIONS AT THE SAME TIME. HOW DO YOU DO THAT?! Then last night I showed my sister the Bye, Bye, Bye dance, pointing out that we for sure did that at every wedding we’ve attended and it shouldn’t be a problem to learn. Once again we pulled up a Youtube tutorial from Lance Bass himself, as he noted that he was a TERRIBLE dancer. We spent another half hour trying to nail down the right, left, right, right footwork in the beginning. Then we tried following the Tiktok instead since that’s how we learned our first dance. No matter what we did, we both stumbled and looked like it was our first day stepping out of a wheelchair we’ve sat in for months and we were learning how to walk again. WHY do I tell you all of this in detail? Is it to humiliate myself? Maybe. OR POSSIBLY it’s to show you the DEDICATION I HAVE TO BECOMING A DANCER WHEN I DON’T HAVE A DANCER’S BODY. I’VE BEEN CURSED WITH THE LOVE TO DANCE AND THE LACK OF RHYTHM. Obviously, we gave up and decided to move our focus to something we’re better at. Drinking.

Someone commented that it should’ve been set to the Titanic song and he wasn’t wrong. Huge missed opportunity but he also doesn’t know the blood, sweat and tears that went into It’s Gonna Be Me. I will never give up. I’ll learn a dance even if it kills me. And if you’re like woooooow these two are talented as hell, here’s a little reality check to knock us down a peg or two.

HAPPY MONTH OF ME TO ALL OF YOU!!!

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JUice

Weekly JUice

Week of 4/20/2020

1. Stop Coming @ Tay.

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Between Kimmy K, Ye & Scoot Scoot, everyone needs to CTFD and stop coming @ Tay during a national pandemic because girl ain’t afraid to clap back anymore. I mean she literally just hit ’em with the crying laughing face emoji. WHAT a boom roast. Not only did she just publicly say that they’re broke AF for buying her music, she also pointed out an UNGODLY amount of money when the world is burning and the economy is crashing. She knows how outright douchey it makes them look to be already rich humans looking to make a profit in a time when everyone and their mother is donating to charity and those who actually need help right now. Tay herself was paying off people’s debts. BTW, if you stumble upon this post, grl, I have school loans coming out the bhole and I’ve been your ride or die since 2009. Either way, unless you want egg on your face or more importantly, to be internet “cancelled”, take a beat and stop taking shots at the Queen, who just last week performed a very personal and emotional song on the One World Together At Home charity concert. Something that actually matters.

2. I Am A Global Citizen.

I wasn’t going to blog about this but then I just posted Tay’s performance and there’s not much going on this week so WHY NOT?! Saturday night was the Lady Gaga organized musical benefit show on TV and basically every streaming/social media platform. It was impossible to miss it. I consider myself a global citizen just for watching, when in reality, it was filling my insatiable need for awards shows and I was able to critique each performance from my couch, a true joy of mine. Also, I didn’t feel guilty about not donating because they weren’t asking for donations, the Rockefeller fam funded the whole thing basically. Win, win. There were a number of baller performances but my all-time favorite was the capri-wearing Keith trio (see above.) Great, upbeat tune and a three-for-one special on Keith. My sister and I bopped along and tried way too hard to find out how the hell he did it, 100% sounding like ignorant dummies in the process. Speaking of ignorant dummies, another highlight of being a global citizen is that everyone on the internet got mad at me and I have a bone to pick with them. I had SEVERAL funny tweets about the show, but the one that caught the most attention was this one during the Rolling Stones performance:

Each Stone rocked out separately and upon further inspection, my sister and I noticed that the drummer was in fact air drumming. Not having a deep knowledge on the members of the Rolling Stones and seeing that this gent was incredibly old (and might need a wellness check), my first assumption was that for charity, they let some super-fan gramps pop in and pretend to be the drummer for the evening. And he was having a ball hitting that imaginary high hat, which made me happy and was highly entertaining. Apparently the diehard rock fans DID NOT LIKE MY JOY.

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Well, Proud Member of Cult45*thanks@catturd2: if Charlie IS the Stones drummer why doesn’t he HAVE a drum set? ANSWER ME THAT. Seriously though if you spend your free time yelling at people online for not knowing the name of an almost 80 year old drummer, you probably, most definitely, have poop in your pants. WAKE UP!

3. Robin Sparkles is Back.

 

In another week of so much instagram live content, I can’t possibly keep up–Jake Johnson and Cobie Smulders got together for a friend hang on Vulture’s instagram. It was pretty long and they didn’t really know what to talk about but this little gem shined through. The people wanted a little taste of “Let’s Go to the Mall” and after some cheering from Jake, Cobie delivered a lick. I can always appreciate a throwback to Robin Sparkles because it was Robin’s only funny storyline in the entire series of How I Met Your Mother and rhyming Tori with Sorry is a fun way to laugh at our Canadian friends without directly telling them they talk funny. Please enjoy the song in full below, in addition to Robin’s more diverse, heartbreak ballad. As well as her quick foray into punk with Robin Daggers.

4. HOPEFULLY A REAL REUNION!

Hey cast of Friends, THIS is a reunion. It’s a new episode of Parks and Rec coming at us next Thursday and I’m REAAAALLLLYYYYYY holding out hope that this is a reunion that can be done right. I want all of the stupid Tom Haverford abbrevs, I want TREAT YO’SELFFFFFFF, I want Leslie showering Ann with borderline lesbian compliments, and most of all… I NEEEEEEED the return of Jean-Ralphio, one of the best characters to ever have been written and the sole reason that I can’t say anything is the worst without singing it in three parts.

5. Things That Gave Me the Uncomfies.

With people being confined to their homes, these JUices are getting harder and harder to make each week and there’s only so many dance videos I can produce with my madd skillz to be able to fill up the five headline slots. Instead, here’s a few things that caught my attention this week but not enough to have their own headline. Here’s numero uno:

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WHY. Why is that a thing we need to know?! Kate & Goldie were chosen for the cover of People’s Beautiful Issue. That’s great. I love them both, I want to be a part of their family because they seem fun and chill as hell–also they’re loaded and Hollywood royalty, but that’s neither here nor there. I listen to Kate and Oliver’s podcast and think they’re funny and I’m happy to read any articles about this fam but I DO NOT NEED TO HEAR THAT KATE TALKS TO HER MOM ABOUT HER SEX LIFE. Nope, no thank you. That is not something to envy. I’m cool beans about not having sex chitchats with my mom. Next up…our latest celeb to join TikTok:

This didn’t really make me uncomfy, more like supes jelly. Jenna Dewan had a baby no more than five minutes ago, cut the umbilical cord, popped on a cropped sweatsuit and danced professionally directly in our faces. It’s just not fair. She has a flatter stomach than me after just housing a child and was just like ho hum I guess I’ll hop on this app and show everyone how it’s done, effortlessly. It’s not like the average TikTok user is an out of shape, non-pro dancer who spends hours learning a simple 12 second routine or ANYTHING. EYE.ROLL. Petition to ban the pros from tokking starts now. Signatures welcome.

And finally, here’s some fun new country songs to play us into the weekend in the hopes that it will stop F**KING SNOWING and the sun will hear these nonsense feel-good songs about drinking outside and come out and plaaayyyyyyyyyyy. If not just hit play inside and drink a marg while you watch the snow fall. We all have coping mechanisms. Do what you need to do, yo.

 

BONUS:The cast of Friday Night Lights waited until after I posted this week’s JUice to release their hangout for Global Citizen. Some of the cast (notably missing: Tami Tay, Coach & Riggs) got together to watch the pilot for the first time in fifteen years. I’ll spare you the hour-long livestream of a group of people who clearly aren’t close friends and v. awkward zoom conference call interactions and just give you this little visual treat :

Buddy Garrity, WOOOOOOOOOOOOF. Texas forever, tho.

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JUice, Uncategorized

Weekly JUice

Week of 11/7/16

1. RIP Facebook. As of this week, Facebook is pronounced dead because I can no longer go on it to stalk people I haven’t talked to in 10 years or lawl at the period of my life when I went through a ROUGH FB video phase instead of texting people like a normal human being. Nope. Now when I look at my feed I see people yelling at each other and being a bunch of b-holes. For my personal sanity and to preserve my first amendment right to escape onto Facebook into a dark tunnel of left arrowing embarrassing pictures dating back to 2007, I’m going to ask  politely that everyone CTFD and take a break from angrily spouting off in their statuses. We’re all in this together, high school musical style. And if we all just learn the Kenny Ortega choreography and stop calling each other racists and pigs on the ‘book, it’ll be a much better country and that seems pretty obvious.

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If you would like to have a much-needed laugh this week to ease the tension, feel free to turn to the much funnier and more talented writers of Hollywood. Because what brings ‘Merica togets better than pizza and fart jokes? Answer: nothing.

To learn more about Dr. Farts the T.Rex, read Leslie Knope’s letter here.

2. Olsen Twins ❤ Crusty Old Men.

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WHAT is going on. I know I’ve been including them a lot on the JUice but seriously my childhood dies abruptly every time I see them lately. For my most formative years, these girls set the tone for finding cute boys on family vacay and dating them for 3 days. How am I supposed to believe in the magic of an exotic location bringing 13 year olds romance when all I can see now is Ash open mouth kissing a cryptkeeper at a basketball game while her hand dangles in mid-air. Barf.com.

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3. DREAM. 

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Dream Renee Kardashian 💕 @dream

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Nope that’s it. That’s all I’m going to say. Dream. Kardashian. Daughter of Slob KeRob and Blac Chyna. North, Saint, Mason, Penelope, Reign and Dream. This is our future.

4. The Mannequin Challenge.

Remember when Daniel was wearing white vans and that became a thing and we were all like whoa the internet is weird. Well now it’s all the rage to film everybody pretending to be a mannequin. Bitch, check out the security footage of my office Monday through Friday and you’ll see the realest mannequin challenge ever of adults sitting and staring at a computer screen for 8 hours a day. The internet needs to step up their game if they’re going to play in the big leagues of viral vids. Steph Curry’s mannequin challenge was hands down the best though. Also Michelle is like F it, we’re done here so I’m gonna kick it with Lebron and become internet famous.

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Dream Team 💕 #mannequinchallenge

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🎈🎉🎂

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5. Prince Harry has spoken.

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Since I wrote about this last week and how it was alleged, I feel as though it’s necessary to CONFIRM that Prince Harry is dating actress Meghan Markle. We now know this because one of his butlers dictated a letter from him on the Queen’s parchment paper telling everyone to stop being racist AF and harassing his girlfriend. I’d like to point out that I said she was a babe and never once was rude to her, which is surprising considering how bitter I was. I’d also like to point out that it’s laugh out loud funny that Kensington Palace is regal and old school, releasing statements in print on official stationary, only to have to then tweet it out for anyone to even see it.

BONUS: Mr & Mrs Jeets stepped out in NYC looking FUH-INE.

City Point, Kids Foot Locker, And Haddad Brands Present BKLYN Rocks - Backstage and Front Row

DOUBLE BONUS: The Fox show that I predicted would be cancelled by now (Pitch) just tweeted this:

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And I would like to personally thank them for that.

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Pop Culture, Television

Tom Haverford-isms

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Parks & Rec, much like The Office, is full of quirky and hilarious characters that I could write one million blogs about. I’m focusing on Tom Haverford this time around because we all have a lot we could learn from him. Tom was the most creative little nugget in Pawnee, always coming up with inventions and phrases. As someone who rarely says an entire word, even I learned a few new abbrevs from Tommy Havs and I believe it would be beneficial to us all to start working in the following top phrases from Tom into every day lingo.

1. Tum Grums. I’m hungry roughly every 30 minutes and it probably get exhausting for the people around me to hear over and over again that I’m hungies. Throwing in that I have the “tum grums” every once in a while could really spice things up. Plus when my blood sugar gets low and I turn into a raging bitch-monster only to be tamed by chips and candy, using this adorbs phrase will make me seem more endearing and less threatening.

2. Winnie the Boo. Enough with this BAE shit…Tommy had it down when he rattled off all the terms of endearment he was brainstorming for Ann (when they dated for a hot second.) This was my personal favorite because it just rolls right off the tongue and maybe even will make you think of your sig other wearing just a t-shirt, no pants.

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3. Fart Attack. This was obviously a case-specific phrase in reference to when Jerry has a heart attack and uncontrollably farts at the same time. If I recall correctly, Tom is the first one to demand a doctor call it a Fart Attack and I’ve never wished to witness this incident more. Mark my words, I will be 90 years old and still giggle like a child when I hear the word fart. Not sorry bout it.

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4. ‘Tails. Most people shorten details to deets, but Tom went with ‘tails because it showed innovation. It really doesn’t hurt to switch things up but I might have a hard time catching onto this one. A couple years ago I picked up the phrase “fuzzy on the deets” from Barstool to describe my drunken haze and I feel like tossing “Fuzzy on the ‘tails” doesn’t roll of the tongue quite as nicely. We’ll work on this one.

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5. Treat Yo’ Self! A Tom and Donna combo creation, this is more like a necessary tradition rather than just a phrase, but can obviously be snuck into every day convo as well. For a day every year they treat themselves to lavish gifts and spa treatments and scream TREAT YO’ SELF a lot. I too have decided to do this every time I make an obnoxious purchase on my dirt low income and you know what? It makes me feel like a G-D Queen.

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BONUS: Food Abbrevs- Zerts, Hot Choccy, Sandoozles. I’m especially fond of Hot Choccy since two of my friends went through a tough phase of calling Hot Chocolate “Hot Cho Cho” and making me want to rip my ears clean off my head. I’ll have to introduce them to the land of the Hot Choccy. Zerts for Desserts and Sandoozles instead of sandwiches just SOUND cooler…and that’s all that really matters in life. To sound as swagalicious as Tommy Fresh.

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