JUice

Weekly JUice

Week of February 10th, 2020

1. I LIKE A CELEBRITY BABY NAME!

View this post on Instagram

my WHOLE heart 💕💗💕

A post shared by Lauren Akins (@laur_akins) on

TR and Lauren had their third girl and named her Lennon Love Akins and I WHOLEHEARTEDLY approve. It’s so rare that a celebrity couple chooses a name that isn’t completely outrageous and makes me want to shout how stupid they are, so I wanted to take a beat on this Valentine’s Day to say that I love Lennon Love. And you know they’re going to call her Lennon Love because they’re southern and they call their other kids Willa Gray and Ada James in their cute ass southern accents. Lennon Love is going to be a singer and she won’t even need to make a stage name. Mark my words, I’m calling it.

2. Wedding Scam.

Ron Galella Archive - File Photos

Love stories come in all shapes and sizes. Sometimes people fall in love and get married and live happily ever after and sometimes people date in the 80’s and break up, then 35 years later get married for 12 days. I couldn’t not blab about this story because it made me laugh a whole lot. We get a random headline a couple weeks ago about Pamela Anderson marrying Jon Peters, even though no one knew they were dating. It’s written as one of those classic time went by but they never stopped loving each other spin, which we all know is complete bullshit but everyone is like OH how sweet. Even when you’re 74 you can get married to a piece half your age and call it love and say you’ve been pining for her all your life even though you had several other marriages and were actually engaged recently to another woman. But it was like a blip in the radar and I read it and was like hm that’s weird and kept it moving. I also had to google who Jon Peters was. Folks, he’s a rich man. He produced A Star is Born (all the versions). Pamela….not so much. Ever since her Baywatch days and being in the very public, very unhealthy relashe with Tommy Lee, it’s been a pretty steady downhill drop for ya gurl Pammy. Well, Pam and Jon ended their marriage 12 days later and then THE REAL JUice COMES OUT. Pam knew this old perv always had a thing for her and reconnected with him, got him to pay off her massive debt, waited for the wire transfer to clear and then broke up with him over a text. If that ain’t a classic love story, I don’t know what is. According to Jon himself, “there’s no fool like an old fool.” Also if Lifetime doesn’t turn this into a movie I will be V. disappointed.

3. J Baby.

jonaswedding

This is low on the list, when normally it would be #1 because the Jonai themselves have yet to confirm it’s true. And you KNOW I hate reporting celebrity gossip that isn’t People official. So even though everyone is talking about it like it’s facts, we might have a real Kylie Jenner secret pregnancy on our hands here if we don’t get confirmation soon. That of course, didn’t stop me from scooping my sister and BFF the second I saw the news broke on twitter. I had recently been scooped on the Bella Twins pregnancy and I was out for Scoop Revenge. And you know what, I can honestly tell you it’s a high unlike any other. Why do drugs when you can scoop people on celebrity gossip? Unfortunately because it hasn’t become official yet, I was forced to enter into a deal with the devil if it turns out to be a rumor:

IMG-4731

As you might recall, I reported on Post Malone’s facial bleeding saw tattoo last week and apparently it opened a whole can of worms because in the 7 days since that’s happened, 3 more headlines appeared of celebrities getting face tattoos. And I’m genuinely wondering what I’m missing here. You have an entire body to ink up, WHY TOUCH THE FACE?! Leave the face out of it! But I digress, the point is, if Sophie Turner is not pregnant, I have to get a face tat and I’m ok with my odds here but also I might just need to turkey baster some sperm into her to be extra sure. Where’s the Jonas Bros next tour stop? Just wondering. Ok but anyway, my real opinion on the matter other than the fact that I scooped it hard is that I’m surprised it took this long for a J Baby. Honestly thought Pri Pri would be first because she is much older but I wouldn’t count out her announcing next month because she seems to be the real ringleader of the J Sisters movement and the other two are kinda just like yeah we’re sisters by marriage let’s relax a little. So we could have double Jonas babies this year and it wouldn’t shock me at all. Related to this topic but not really…Priyanka grammed this throwback yesterday and do I need to have my eyes checked or is this 100% not a photo of her? Discuss amongst yourselves and report back.

4. Boy Band Newz.

nsyncgold

Lance Bass has always been a man of the N*SYNC groupies, giving us breadcrumb stories from the good ole days, going on throwback 90’s pop tours and I just generally get the feeling that because he’s openly gay, he truly understands how important a first boy crush is to an overdramatic pre-teen heart. Also, he starred in N*SYNC classic On the Line, which should never ever ever be forgotten because it was not only a great rom-com but it had original N*SYNC tunes in it.

You can treat yourself to that LB classic first as a little pre-game to the movie Lance has just announced got picked up finally and will be released sometime soon? That part is unclear, I’m guessing it’ll end up on a streaming service, but either way, I’m jazzed. The premise of the movie is based on a true story when two girls won a Winnebago on The Price Is Right and then used that Winnebago to follow N*SYNC around the country on their tour, creep groupie style. Lance has described the movie as a cross between Girls Trip and Pitch Perfect. Honestly, I don’t care about the girls I just want all the N*SYNC nostalgia in the world. Make it happen, Lance. I believe in you.

Meanwhile in rival world…BSB is touring this summer and therefore they’re currently doing their press rounds, so we got this gem from Watch What Happens Live:

Bless BSB for knowing that the lyrics mean nothing if you hit dem high notes. DON’T WANNA HEAR YOU SAAAAAAAAAYYYYYYYYYYYY. PS last year they played this at a wedding of a couple I had never met and I found it to be incredibly disrespectful to NOT hit that high note and give it my all even though the dance floor was completely empty and needless to say it was not well received.

5. Hot Bod PSA.

jencover

Jennifer Aniston turned 51 this week and this last piece is just a droolworthy appreciation of America’s Sweetheart still killin it like she’s never aged a day in her life. Also a small part of me wanted to point out how babe soda she still is to prove to everyone that she don’t need no mans and she ESPECIALLY don’t need no cheating mans, so stop shipping her and Brad because them getting back together would be the dumbest thing on this earth and Jen is no dummy.

jenjen2jen3jen4

Standard
Music, Playlist

Boy Band Slow Jamz

James Corden had it right when he declared last week that we need boy bands back. Unfortunately he followed up this announcement by joining BSB for a quick rendition of Backstreet’s Back, and proved himself wrong. Seriously, it was a little pitchy, dawgs. James probably sounded the best out of all of them. Anyway, the idea was great, execution not so much. Therefore, I decided to bring back the essence of a good boy band—multi-part harmonies and crooning about makeups and breakups. So let’s sloooow it down, late night radio style with a bunch of dudes singing about their feelings.

All Or Nothing-O-Town. I’m gonna be honest, I kind of forgot about this song until last weekend when a real hero put it on at the bar and suddenly I felt the need to dramatically sing it word for word. Unfortunately, the guy unwelcomely hitting on me at the time didn’t support my impromptu performance and while I was mid-hand symbols for “NOTHING AT ALL”, he shouted that he understood he wasn’t as attractive as other guys and stomped off. Bro really killed what could’ve been the story we told our grand-puppies some day.

I Knew I Loved You-Savage Garden. These pretty boys can always get me teary, they can make even an upbeat song sound sad. But this song really takes the cake, romance up the wazoo declaring they love a girl before they’ve even met her. That’s a real gamble, boys.

I’ll Make Love To You- Boyz II Men. Yeah that’s RIGHT. It’s not only a mix of white pretty boys with coordinated grooves. Sometimes you need a little babymakin music to set the tone. Don’t let go, Boyz II Men. Don’t ever let go.

The Hardest Thing-98 Degrees. What a cocky break up song from the hot ones, here. (98 degrees and HEATING UP) Hey I know I just dumped you and everything, but like, it was really hard on ME. Doubt it.

Still On Your Side-BBMak. This isn’t the slowest of slow jamz, but BBMak deserved a spot amongst the best boy bands. They had fab porcupine hairstyles and would take their girls’ side even when she’s wrong. If that’s not noble AF, I don’t know what is.

When You Look Me in the Eyes- Jonas Brothers. Curveball—never would’ve guessed I would toss these little wieners on a playlist. Also never would’ve guessed that Nick would be the man of my dreams with bangerz on bangerz and Joe would have blue hair and be in a band of misfits with Kevin being demoted to releasing and promoting the DNCE video game app. Let’s LOL at the fact that these curly headed bros were once singing about true love on the Disney channel.

Penny and Me-Hanson. Was it like law that we never understand what Hanson is singing? Because Mmmbop was one thing but seriously are they singing with marbles in their mouths? Something something, PENNY & ME TONIGHT! Whatevz, I love it.

Swear it Again-Westlife. Pretty sure Westlife was a one hit wonder but this song is a real keeper. So emosh and such dramatic music. Everything a girl dreams for in a serenade.

It Happens Everytime-Dream Street. This was tossed in more for comical value, but also, it’s sneaky great. These boys were literally no older than 12 years old and they were hitting those falsettos like their balls would never drop. It deserves all the snaps for introducing us to Jesse McCartney, even though he was a back row resident in the videos…probz cause of that middle-part shroom cut. Either way, I was way too old to ‘preciate Dream Street when they were a hit because there were a million better boy bands but that didn’t stop me from comparing these lyrics to surprise boners. WHAT happens every time you see me? Classic innuendos.

dreamstreetnecklaces

As Long As You Love Me-Backstreet Boys. My #2’s in the boy band game, it was a real toss up to pick just one slow jam from BSB. Pretty grateful that after accusing my sister of stealing my No Strings Attached CD last week (she’s still denying it) she redeemed herself by sending me all of her BSB discography so that I could make this playlist. I’m not sure why she’s been hoarding so many songs but her email subject lines more than made up for it.

screen-shot-2016-10-10-at-9-46-42-pm

Anyway, back to this ridiculous song about how all these boys need is love. So you could pretty much be a real asshole, but just love your man and you’re G2G in the Backstreet playbook.

I Can Love You Like That- All-4-One. These boys get it. Sing about some fairytale shit and we’re in. Kind of wanted to put I Swear in here but then couldn’t un-see a fat Chris Brander with retainer intact singing it. So this is a real close second.

brander

You & I-One Direction. It may seem that I’m obsessed with the 90’s (and that’s because I am) but I can still tip my cap to the present day boy bands and even though 1D didn’t dance up a storm, they still mastered their genre’s craft of the slow jam love song. Also since 99% of the boy bands on this mix have broken up, they now fit right in. Either way, this song gives me all the chillz. Things can totes come between the 1D boys but like nothing will ever come between my relationship with them. And that’s all that matters.

Gone-N*SYNC. Ending with the GOAT. Again, could’ve chosen a bajillion N*SYNC tunes, but I decided to go with a late pick off of their last CD. Why? Because JT owned the shit out of this song and it’s very clear as to why he is still soaking undies with just one note to this day. The ending of this song when he lets it rip? Not a dry pair within a 100 mile radius. Jus sayin. In completely unrelated news, shout out to the fact that the last time this song came on shuffle while road-trippin, my sister and I had an unspoken agreement that she would sing backup so that I could solo. She’s the real MVP. Sometimes you just know when someone needs to show their range. And just for shits, here’s the really dramatic black and white video when JT was going through his shaved head phase. (And for a brief unfortunate moment, hitler mustache phase.)

 

Standard
Pop Culture

Cringeworthy 90’s Boy Band Posters

Remember when you couldn’t wait to get the latest issue of J-14 or Teen Beat or Pop Star so that you could take the staples out and cover your walls with fashionably dressed teen pop hunk? If you’re wondering how ridiculous that seems today, look no further than this collection of weird boy band photoshoots that were once suuuuper attractive to teen girls and now it’s suuuuper embarrassing that I could ever scotch tape a picture of 5 guys dressed in overalls on my wall. I have graciously broken each example down by theme.

Trends come and go, but puppies are FURRRR-ever.

puppies

We sing and do choreographed dance moves, but WE LIKE SPORTS TOO.

backstreet-boys-21 98unc

Don’t judge us because we like the way silk feels…

bsbdisco 2gethersatin

“One is silver and the other’s gold.”

glitterbomb nsyncgold

Mah dressed us.

bsbsweatervests nsyncpockets

Whoutfits make us seem laid back and super casj.

98degreeswhoutfits bsbwhite

Peekaboo, we wear briefs!

bsbkhakis

Denim isn’t cool unless it’s coordinated with your bros.

bsbjeanleatha otownjean

We Woke Up Like This

nsyncjammies

The THAT’S SO 90’s group hang

nsyncoveralls bsbflannels

Just in case you forget who we are…Check my bodysuit OR my visor.

nsyncnames

The smart outerwear look

bsbrainjackets 98degreesyellow

Only the finest of linens

bsblinen

We have better jewelry than you (apparently Dreamstreet’s only styling tip)

dreamstreetnecklaces dreamstreetnecklaces2

We do Xtreme stuff! SO HARDCORE.

bsbspace nsynccamo

The “Happy Holidays, Grrrlll”

nsyncxmaslights

WTF. No seriously. What could possibly be occurring here?

ropevests

And finally…the CLASSIC shirtless hunks with less desired members artfully placed/covered so as not to distract from the real man meat of the group:

backstreet-boys-shirtless-cruise-2013 boybands14 98shirtlessboybands3

JT & Nick Lachey, front and center where they belong ❤

Standard
Music, Playlist

90’s Pop Jamz

It’s been a while since I’ve forced everyone to listen to the best songs of previous decades so here we are again. This time it’s the OBVIOUS pop bangers of the 90’s and early 2000’s focusing on boy bands and girl bands who were the stuff (with the additional bada$$ bitches who were solo.)

1. Bye, Bye, Bye- N*SYNC. I mean obviously this playlist needs to start with the OG of boy bands, the pinnacle, if you will. Though difficult to pick just one N*SYNC classic, this one came with it’s own dance move and therefore has stood the test of time.

bye-bye-bye-nysnc-o

2. Oops!…I Did It Again- Britney Spears. Because back then there wasn’t a Justin without a Britney. The best kind of song is one that starts with what sounds like a car attempting and failing to start and has a break in the middle for a quick Broadway play…Aww, you shouldn’t have. No really Brit, you shouldn’t have. Mid-song talkies are the worst. But this song isn’t.

3. MMMBop- Hanson. Three young boys with floor length blonde locks sing a song that we LITERALLY will never know the words to. Seriously, WHAT ARE THEY ACTUALLY SAYING? Whatever, it’s catchy AF.

hanson-young3

4. Waterfalls- TLC. This song is about people dying of AIDS and drug overdoses and stuff, pretty heavy, but if you use a metaphor about bodies of water to describe it, suddenly it’s a fresh song with a little sax thrown in. If you can master the Left Eye (may she rest in peace) rap in this then I absolutely need to be your friend.

5. Back Here- BBMak. It’s unfortunate that these guys came out around the same time as N*SYNC and BSB cause they pretty much didn’t stand a chance. They also had the hairstyles of a punk rock band so that was strike 2. Good news is they know how to write a killer whiny love song.

bbmak

6. Genie In A Bottle- Christina Aguilera. We’ve seen a lot of Christina’s in our lifetime, Dirrty Xtina wearing assless chaps, retro Christina trying to make the 50’s cool and more recently The Voice Christina trying to be a part of the boys club. It’s important for us not to forget that she got her start being suuuuper innocent singing about getting rubbed the right way. Get it, girl!

7. When The Lights Go Out- 5ive. Damn this boy band had a little FLAVA. And I’m not just talking about how clever it was that they literally used the number 5 in their band name. I’m referring to the swagger they had in this song. SECOND VERSE, GIRL-The rapping is on point. They’re bragging about their bedroom skills and I for one couldn’t wait for them to show me what it’s all about. Not so much after this picture though…

5ive17

8. No More (Baby I’ma Do Right)- 3LW. If you don’t listen to this song and immediately burst out laughing to “broken promithes, promithes” you don’t like fun things. 3LW may have had a little street cred as a girl band and telling off their deadbeat men, but THAT LISP. Also they really drive the point home in this song by repeating every word, just in case. Fun fact: I saw them open for N*SYNC and they came out in janitor jumpsuits and stripped them off mid song while dancing and it was suuuupes impressive. It obviously didn’t take a lot for me to be dazzled at that age.

9. Give Me Just One Night- 98 Degrees. We’re going to sweep it under the rug that 98 degrees tried to make a comeback with a song about blowies and really relish the good ole days where all they needed was one night (one night) with a girl. Not for nothing but this song was educational in teaching me my first Spanish words.

10. Wannabe- Spice Girls. The Spice Girls created the girl group and also taught us about Brits. I used to reenact scenes from the Spice Girl movie during recess, unfortunately everyone’s favorite was Baby and BECAUSE I WAS BORN WITH BROWN HAIR I had to be Posh or Sporty. Both options suck and so did my British accent but I digress. Here’s another song where I have heard it 1000 times and still don’t know what they’re saying, but I certainly know that Bevin, Peyton Brooke and Haley did a choreographed dance to it on the roof of a house party. PS Scary Spice’s cackle is EXACTLY how she got her name.

11. The Animal Song- Savage Garden. Let’s slow it down now with two baby faces with the falsetto of angels. This song is about how they wish they were animals because then they could run around all carefree. Don’t we all wish that, Savage Garden, don’t we all. Anyway their CD (I’m pretty sure they only have one?) is the best crying soundtrack you could ever ask for. Trust me. Plus: pwetty boys.

MI0002775270

12. S Club Party- S Club 7. Again, here we are with another classssic British band that taught me new things. For example, I learned that hoochie mamas show their nana’s at any good party. For the record, if their show was still on the air I would still be watching it because it was the shit. Unfortunately S Club 7 pretty much fell off the wagon and tried to do a comeback recently that was quite a scene. Jo no longer has the flow, let’s just say that.

13. Summergirls- LFO. LFO was the badass version of boy bands. They mused nonsense about Scooby snacks and Chinese food and we were like yes, please, Rich.

lfo

14. Candy- Mandy Moore. Again, might be hard to recall a time when Mandy was REAL blonde and singing about craving a boy like she craves candy. Suuuch a stupid song but doesn’t make it any less catchy. Love always, Mandy.

15. Liquid Dreams- O-Town. The original Making the Band kicked off reality TV AND gave us a song about wet dreams. Could we really ask for more? It concerns me to report that my sister and I spent a whole summer day on my back deck choregraphing a dance to this song and not once did my mom say hey maybe stop shimmying to a song about boner jams. It was a great dance though.

16. C’est La Vie- B*Witched. It’s pretty much a rule at this point that if you have an asterick in your band name your cool factor is top notch. These chicks are also suuuupes Irish, which pushes their cool factor through the roof. You don’t get too many pop songs that you could literally do an irish jig in the middle to some bag pipes and that’s what makes this song gr8. Plus it starts with “Some people say I look like me dad”…which doesn’t even make sense.

17. Aaron’s Party (Come Get It)- Aaron Carter. I refuse to ever make a 90’s pop playlist without my gangsta AC. Kid was like 4 ft. tall wearing oversized FUBU with white Nikes and apparently knew how to threw a kiiiickin party while his parents catch a matinee. The different characters in this song, the way he’s talking to the honey’s and breakin it down on the living room dance floor instead of being a good host, and his dad grounding him at the end…what a whirlwind of emotions in one song. Was it the party of the month? No. It was the party of the year.

giphy

18. He Loves U Not- Dream. Although I’m pretty sure I never knew anyone’s individual names in Dream, I know that I loved them. They were super sassy. I had(have) their CD and one of their songs was literally them just telling off a guy named Jordan for trying to date them all at once and thinking they wouldn’t find out. THEY FOUND OUT, JORDAN. I made my very first music video (camcorder style) to this song and it was award-winning if I do say so myself. It was supposed to be a dream sequence (get it?) then during the instrumentals we ran around and pulled the letters “D-R-E-A-M” off the wall to show we were going back to real life. Whoa. Copywritten so don’t even try to rip me off, guys.

032012MSMO044

Signature Pink Coordinates ❤

19. The Hardest Part of Breaking Up- 2Gether. These clowns were supposed to be a parody of a boy band but their mockery went over our tween idiot heads and we loved them anyway. Also they had a balding 40 year old in the group, casj. AND they rapped about math. WHAT a breakup jam this is though. These bros could get DOWN and they also would like their cat back pls.

2gether

20. I Want It That Way- Backstreet Boys. It seemed like the right thing to do to bookend this playlist with the two rivals and most popular boy bands of the 90’s. Now don’t get me wrong, I was 1000% team N*SYNC, but that never clouded my appreciation for what BSB was doing. Unfortunately a lot of the teens at this time did let it cloud their vision. My dad’s favorite thing to do (his only entertainment really) when he took us to an N*SYNC concert was to ask tweens if this was the BSB concert and just watch their dramats reactions. I would imagine it’s close to going to a 1D concert today and announcing that you can’t wait to see 5 Seconds of Summer? (1D still a touchy subject?) I don’t know. Either way this song gives me all the feels, and I DON’T WANNA HEAR YOU SAAAYYYY it doesn’t.

Standard