Music, Playlist

Summer Palooza 2k17

Summer solstice has occurred and you KNOW what time it is. Three cheers for the return of SUMMAH PALOOOOOOOZA. And in great news, this year’s version didn’t start a fight between my sister and I. We are hashtag blessed that making this mix didn’t create a family divide for once* and the best season of the year may begin now. (*We’ll be sick of this mix in roughly 10 days)

I’m the One-Dj Khaled ft. Justin Bieber, Chance the Rapper, Lil Wayne. As much as it pains me to kick off arguably the most awaited mix of the year with this buffoon DJ Khaled…it’s a bangpiece of a song and that beat just screams summer and drinking. I’m willing to overlook the girl riding a horse with her tits bouncing all over town in the music video, the fact that Lil Wayne rhymed record with record three times and DJ Khaled calling himself a rapper when all he does is shout WE THE BEST and ANOTHA ONE. All for a good summer jam.

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PS Sick purple outfit, bruh. NAHT.

Craving You – Thomas Rhett ft. Maren Morris. We will politely ignore the fact that Maren is on this song in any capacity and just groove to TR like nobody’s biz. Hey Maren, why don’t you writhe all over Keith Urban again in your hot pants and bralette onstage? PEOPLE DON’T FORGET.

Cut To The Feeling – Carly Rae Jepsen. Didn’t give our girl Carly a second thought since Call Me Maybe because to be honest, when you start out the gate with the most epic song on this planet, there’s no way you can ever top yourself. But I guess she’s back and she’s feeling the 80’s real hard so here’s this Breakfast Club beat that will never be as good as her first single.

Body Like A Back Road – Sam Hunt. This song is kind of old and a little overplayed but bonus points for it not having Sam’s weird talk/rapping in it and also triple bonus points because he’s gonna take it real slow on my curves. I mean, whoever’s curves he’s singing about. #sexstuff

Galway Girl – Ed Sheeran. SHE PLAYED THE FIDDLE IN AN IRISH BAND! It’s quite literally impossible not to feel happy when you hear this song. It immediately makes me want to do a car bomb and break into a joyous jig. It’s the song of forever, not just the summer.

Another Love Song – Ne-Yo. Hey what happened to Ne-Yo? Jason Derulo pretty much jacked his schtick but guess what…Jason disappointed us this year with some pretty garbage music lately so Ne-Yo is swooping back in to claim his R&Bizzle throne.

No Such Thing as a Broken Heart – Old Dominion. How many songs reference Jack and Diane as if they’re real human beings? I wonder if John Mellencamp gets resids every time they do. That’d be clutch. Either way, here’s some more country because it’s finally warm enough to listen to country and not be depressed AF. Also it’s a song with a nice message and it’s not just about drinking beer and fishing.

Despacito – Luis Fonsi, Daddy Yankee ft. Justin Bieber. I fought real hard for this number to make the cut because even though it’s 90% not in my language, it just makes me want to move my hips and I’m not sorry bout it. Shouts to JBiebz for getting two songs on Summer Palooza and also making this acceptable for American radio play with his spanglish ramblings.

Sleep Without You – Brett Young. Technically this came out a billion years ago but Brett is a real babe soda and he just wants to snuggle with a lady after she goes clubbin with her lady friends. Can’t knock a guy who lets you do your own thing and just waits for you to come home and spoon him. Actually now that I’ve typed that out he kinda sounds like a loser. But whatevs, the intentions are adorbs.

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Remember I Told You – Nick Jonas feat. Anne-Marie & Mike Posner. We were trying to be like the youths by adding this song. I was thinking it appealed to the college aged kids but when I listened to it for a little inspiration for this description my sister’s newborn baby started cooing along to the beat. No joke. So I guess hotter Jonas appeals to ALL ages.

No Promises – Cheat Codes ft. Demi Lovato. This song is caaatchyyyyy AF. Also it created quite a stir in the news because Demi decided to rock some dreads in the video. Hey Demi, act like you’ve been famous before–everyone knows that whites with dreads offends the world. Run a brush through ya hair.

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Hopin’ You Were Lookin’ – Rascal Flatts. Rascal Flatts continues to prove that three middle aged guys who can’t sing for shit can work some real magic in the studio and release bangerz every year. I wish I could snake it that hard to be rich. I put out a banging summer playlist every year and what do I get? NOTHIN I TELL YA.

There’s Nothing Holdin’ Me Back – Shawn Mendes. Teen dream Shawn made it on b2b summer palooza’s so you know he’s legit. Honestly he could sing about farting and I would listen to it all day erreday. I just laughed out loud at the word farting. Because I’m about as mature as his preteen fans, so really it all adds up.

Give Love – Andy Grammer feat. LunchMoney Lewis. Shouts to Andy for tossing a little work at LunchMoney. We haven’t heard from him since he sang about the bills he had to pay while sitting on the can, and it looks like he got himself into shape. Just kidding. He’s still 1000 pounds. Andy still kills it at pop-tastic singles. Three cheers for consistency.

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She’s With Me – High Valley. This is the part of searching for new songs for three weeks where my sister and I pull songs out of our asses and decide that they’re summer palooza worthy just because we’re desp. Either way, it’s SUPRISINGLY UPBEAT!

Strip That Down – Liam Payne Ft. Quavo. Truth bomb: Liam’s single is the worst one from all the 1D solo breakouts plus he shits all over the group and said he hates Harry’s music. (The disrespect is REAL.) Regardless, can’t deny that this beat makes you wanna wiggle. So ignore the “I’m so much cooler than 1D” lyrics and drop it low.

Love Someone – Brett Eldredge. Can’t have summer without a new Brett jam. He’s been crushing it lately with fresh music and I’m all in on watching him serenade his pup on Snapchat every damn day until the end of time.

White Houses – Vanessa Carlton. The season cannot begin nor end without ‘Ness singing about sweaty *consensual* first times in the back of a car. (I copied and pasted this from Summer Palooza 2k16…because this song never changes. Sue me. I dare you.)

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Music, Television

AMA’s 2016 Recap

Since the AMA’s were surprisingly dece, here’s a quick 5 point highlight reel of the show–a conversational piece for your Monday morning at work. (If you happen to work with teenagers.)

1. I’ve had enough visuals to last a lifetime from the song Side to Side.

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I get that Ariana is 23 and old enough to be singing about sex but she still looks like she’s 12 and frankly it gives me all of the uncomfies to watch her simulate this onstage. After this performance and grinding line I was waiting for someone’s bracelet to get snipped and for them to get tossed from the stage ala high school dance grinding rules. Pat on the back that my bracelet was never cut because chaperones can’t get to you if you’re in the middle of the mosh, so HA.

2. Chainsmoker #2 really embracing being the dad of the group.

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It sucks to not be the hot one but respect to #2 for driving that point home with his Guy Fieri sunburst shirt and also having a complete stroke onstage while accepting their award. YIKES.

3. Drake <3’s Taylor.

OMG they both did Apple Music commercials with each other’s songs in it, THEY’RE TOTALLY DATING. But seriously, this would’ve been funnier if it was a slow song like All Too Well. Either way, I can appreciate it and also the fact that Meek Mill has been buried for like a solid year and Drake is still stomping on his grave every chance he gets. The last minute “WATCH HOW YOU SPEAK ON MY NAME” was killer. Would’ve been more killer with a camera pan to Nicki Minaj.

4. What a Taylor Swift-less audience looks like.

Without our girl to sway and toss those seaweed arms into the air, I noticed that we got a lot of glances at random pre-teens singing along and middle aged men dancing like no one was watching. We were all watching. My first piece of advice to anyone in a crowd where there might be a camera ever, is if you’re not 100% confident you have the right words, do not sing. Sure this girl wide mouth singing a bunch of random words made me laugh out loud but also now it’s caught on camera forever and I spent about 20 minutes this morning making a gif of it. (This also made me late for work…priorities.) Selena also stepped into the spotlight for a much-needed Sting clap break. Because Message in a Bottle NEVER gets old.

5a. DO NOT go to a Justin Bieber concert unless you need a good cry.

Holy crap, Beliebers. IT WAS AN UPBEAT SONG. Stop the tears! Gonna be honest, Let Me Love You is one of the few JB songs that I can get down with  and these sobbing little bitches really killed my vibe. Maybe they’re crying because Justin yelled at them all again for screaming during his concert? That’s the only explanation.

5b. What is this microphone.

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I know that I said I would only list five things but I lied because I want to yap about the fact that Lady Gaga had a totes emotional slow song performance but all I could focus on was the fact that this MASSIVE headset’s mic was basically inside of her throat as she sang. Since I work in the biz (barely) I know that there are much more discreet mics that still pick up the same amount of sound so choosing this one for a televised awards show is a real weird move. Was anticipating a mid-high note choke but she made it through like a champ.

BONUS: The fact that I specifically googled both Shawn and Niall’s ages before adding this in for a little BTS swoon sesh says everything about how much of a creep I am. For the record, Shawn is 18 and Niall is 23 so IT’S TOTALLY FINE TO BE ATTRACTED TO THIS, GIRLS.

 

 

 

 

 

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Weekly JUice

Week of 9/26/16

1. Prepare Yourselves.

It’s official now, Lady G is halftiming the Super Bowl, so get ready for all of the outrageousness. I thought that she had toned down, she wasn’t really releasing music, she was trying acting on for size, she kept hanging out with Tony Bennett and was going to marry that hunk Taylor Kinney (I’m momentarily blacking out when they had paint sex for “art”). But now that she’s single and releasing new music, there’s really no telling what will go down at this show. It is guaranteed that there will be obnoxious outfits and gimmicks. Gr8 for twitter, not suh gr8 for my eyes.

2. WOOF. The band breaks up, you chop your ratty locks off (a trim would’ve done just fine) and suddenly you’re an actor now but HOW DOES ANY OF THAT EXPLAIN THIS?

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No but f’reals, Harry. Clean it up. This isn’t you. This also serves as a PSA to old people like me, that if you were to just glance at the comments on these instas, you’ll find that 90% of the teen females are commenting “Daddy” or “Father”. Since I recently learned this for myself and had to choke back vomit, I think it’s time that I relay it to the crowd, as it is further proof that youths today are the WORST. Apparently, young ladies are now calling their favorite stars what one might call their dad. And it’s LIT. JK, it’s gross. But they think it’s cool and since teens are the future of this world, pls put us out of our misery. Go ahead and make each other famous for wearing vans on snap chat all you want, but cut the shit with the daddy issues. Your celeb crushes are not going to date you because you compare them to dear ole dad. (Also because you still live with your parents and probz have a curfew womp womppp) It’s creepy and weird and I wish I could unhear/unsee it. BE BETTER, TEENS.

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3. BRING IT BACK. 

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I anticipated just posting about a Will & Grace reunion photo until they dropped a new scene Monday night right before the debate and I peed my pants a little in excitement. Even though they were trying to be timely and political, it mostly just made me miss Karen, that squeaky-voiced rich, racist asshole. And damn it she looks great. They all do. I smell a comeback so get to steppin, TV people! Vote for Will & Grace.

4. I’m totally moving to Canada. So I can hang with the most adorbs fam on this earth. Royals are in Canada and therefore I’m on baby picture overload. But with these nuggets I don’t mind. Check out little George in his baby knickers PS I get that it’s English tradition to dress this way but George would earn a little more street cred if his parents stopped putting him in booty shorts with his socks pulled up to his hips. Jus sayin. He’s doing his best to pull it off though. And obviously Charlotte’s chunk face steals the show. What I would give to have my parents grab each of my hands and give me a 1,2,3 jump where they essentially used their upper arm strength to fling me through the air so I didn’t have to walk places. Ah, the simple life.

5. WTF happened? 

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This isn’t me body shaming. This is me being legitimately terrified by the pictures that surfaced from MK&A’s “carefree” French vacay for some rich persons’ wedding. I think the only thing that I can give her a fist bump for is her fresh tan, considering I feel like the last time these two saw sunlight was in their 2001 beach CLASSIC “Holiday in the Sun”. Other than that, yikeronis. There are no words for the transformation that these two have completed into ghouls.

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Bonus: We have a problem. 

And that problem is I think I have an unruly crush on wittle baby Shawn Mendes. Him and James have a very scripted “riff-off”, which turns into essentially eight minutes of me wondering if Shawn Mendes is old enough to swoon over. Even when he’s dissing James, he’s still polite. What a gent. Also, 90’s music is a kajillion times better than today’s music and that’s fact. But it’s cute that Shawn tried. And I just want to tussle his soft, swoopy hair. So sue me. (Pls don’t.)

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Music, Playlist

Summer Palooza 2k16

 

The sunshine season can’t truly begin until the infamous* Summer Palooza drops.

(*use term loosely)

CAN’T STOP THE FEELING! – Justin Timberlake. I declared this JT bangerang the song of the summer on May 6th when it was released and I stand by it hard. Is it played ad nauseum on the radio? Don’tttt caaaaareeeeee. Get that sunshine in your pocket and just dance dance daaaannceeee like you’re dressed like Ellen.

jT

Summer – Cassadee Pope. I mean, come on. This song was written specifically to be drafted for summer palooza.

I Like The Sound Of That – Rascal Flatts. One of those feel good country songs from a band that are basically considered dinosaurs in the industry by now. Seriously, I feel like the Flatts have been lip syncing at award shows for the past 100 years. Anyway, ❤ the JT shoutout EVEN though they say Timberlake’s got nothin on this girl. WHAT a bold statement.

Superstitious – MKTO. Any music MKTO releases makes me instantly want to drop into a split and spin on my head. Don’t worry. I physically can’t do that, so I’ll white girl head bop instead and let them remind me of the duo from Another Cinderella Story that a young Selena Gomez sassy danced all up on. (Seriously though, are they the same people? Right down to the fedora…)

anothercinderellastory

vs.

mkto

Brand New – Ben Rector. A surprising soulful twist for the mix, it’s time to shed some light on ya boy Ben Rector and bump this for road trip vibes.

Work from Home ft. Ty Dolla $ign – Fifth Harmony. Even though this one’s been floating around since early Spring, I’m still down with it because I DO work from home most of the time. And it definitely doesn’t go like this… Either way Fifth Harmony crushes the high school band practice meets sexual lyrics year after year.

Wherever I Go – OneRepublic. I always forget about OneRepublic because it seems fishy that they’re still releasing music while Ryan Tedder is writing songs for like 90% of pop singers. But regardless, every summer they seem to have new music and this one is surprisingly UPBEAT!

Once In A While – Timeflies. Even though Timeflies released a real weird video for this song, it’s still catchy AF and Cal still floods my basement with just one note. Why aren’t these two super famous by now? They’re about to open for the kid with the holey eyebrow in a mall bowling alley next week. Not even headline…OPEN. What is wrong with this world? Make these two megastars, STAT.

CAL

Fix – Chris Lane. If you’re looking for something to indulge on this summer, Chris Lane is it. He’s got your fix, he’ll be whatever you need. He’s also a straight up smokeshow. Yes Chris. Be all of the things for me, pls.

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Bacon – Nick Jonas ft. Ty Dolla $ign. Nick Jonas is soooooo0oooo deep now because he wrote an album about his breakup with Ms. Universe but realistically he’s just singing about tossing bacon on stuff. It pretty much makes 0.0 sense but when you add a beat to my favorite crispy breakfast side, it’s summer palooza gold. PS no clue who Ty DOLLA $ign is, but snaps for him earning 2 prestigious spots on this mix. That’s how you get your start in the music biz, so I’ve heard.

Sun Don’t Let Me Down (feat. Nile Rodgers & Pitbull) – Keith Urban. I hate myself for liking this song because it goes against every fiber of my being that hates Pitubull and his Mr. 305, Mr. Worldwide yellin’ ass but it’s fire.

Ain’t Got Far To Go – Jess Glynne. Jess made her debut last summer with some radio hits and we’re getting in touch with our inner jam band/reggae by including her this year. Clap it up for musical diversity. But seriously, put those hands together because there’s a whole lot of clappin in this song.

Like I Would – Zayn. Although I never wanted to support someone who could up and leave 1D, it would be wrong to admit that this bedroom jam Zayn that was born out of it doesn’t do things for me. Plus Harry’s the lead actor in a movie that’s probably going to win Oscars, so no hard feelsies. I would say that Zayn’s pretty cocky about his sex skillz with both Pillow Talk and this, but he managed to snag the hottest young model in the world and I’m gonna go ahead and guess he’s probs good in bed. They broke up for a hot second but GiGi remembered that no one would touch her like Zayn does, so she was like JK we’re back on.

Night’s On Fire – David Nail. David Nail’s a cutie and also consistently puts out classic country songs about hot babes and summer feels. I accept.

Treat You Better – Shawn Mendes. Technically Shawn is more for the teeniebopper Disney crowd but whatever because Stitches was my shit and I can already tell this song just might top that old school Bieber good good.

Snapback – Old Dominion. This is more of a PSA than anything: snapbacks are all the rage now. And by that I mean, backwards hats are all the rage. If you’re of the male gender and flip your hat backward, your pussy magnetism will skyrocket. Facts only. Unfortunately this is a song about a girl wearing a snapback. Less hot. When I wear a backwards hat, my family calls me Icebox from Little Giants. Double standard. Quick recap: guys, flip it backward, girls don’t do it unless you want to be compared to a female trying out for the boy’s football team.

Yes:  lukebryan

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Put It On Me- Austin Mahone Ft. SAGE the Gemini. It’s pretty embarrassing that two years in a row I’ve roasted Sage for what clearly is his calling card. They don’t already know you Sage, no one knows you. And no one will know you if you keep backing up Disney singers on their breakout “I’m a bad boy who does sex” tracks. Nick Jonas skyrocketed over the past year and with this spicy number, it looks like Austin Mahone is about to do the same. And poor S-A-G-E is left behind still just wanting to already be known.

Sorry – Beyonce. This is an unsanctioned add behind my co-producer’s back but you know what? I AIN’T SORRY. Beyonce made Lemonade (and cold hard cash) out of Jay cheating on her. It needed to be addressed on my summer mix. Everything about this song is cocky and cool. Yonce telling Jay to suck on her balls?! Damn. I also cannot and will not stop laughing at how disgusted she is with his F’ing excuses. The delivery on that was A+++.

White Houses – Vanessa Carlton. Summer cannot begin nor end without ‘Ness singing about sweaty *consensual* first times in the back of a car.

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Music, Television

Billboard Music Awards Recap 2016

I would’ve done a red carpet except that I only found roughly 14 pictures and I hated them all. It’s kind of hard to post a blog specifically to razz celebrity outfits when I looked like this while watching the awards last night (and all day out in public yesterday.)

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So instead I’ll give you the full recap breaking down the LoLz and the things that frankly were a NO (Meghan Trainor style) for me. YA NEED TO LET IT GO.

 

Yaassss:

The Weeknd won the first award and in his speech he spoke highly of Prince with, “I didn’t know him but I was close to him.” This sincerely made me laugh out loud.

Shawn Mendes did a supes emosh performance of Stitches that gave me all the feels. I’m already pretty sick of that song but watching him get down and dirty with it was worth it.

Speaking of Worth It, Fifth Harmony showed off how skilled they are at patting the puss Erika Jayne style AND dropping it low. They simultaneously showed off how unskilled they are at singing. Props for this song being a better version of Rihanna’s WERKWERKEWERKWERKWERK annoyingness though. And for suddenly turning at-home-jobs suuuper dirrrty.

Without even knowing it, I took a bathroom break right as Gwen and Blake were performing. So props to me for having a perfectly timed bladder emergency because if I had to sit through that whole butchering of music I would’ve ripped my ears clean off my head. We get it, guys. You’re together. A couple does not a musical collaboration make.

This is what Lukas Graham looks like. And this song bangs. Plus he actually sang it IRL.

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Celine gets the icon award and sings “The Show Must Go On” with a full orchestra and a champagne glitter dress. I mean it was obviously phenomenal but seriously, GIVE US THE HITS, CELINE! Billboard really banked on the waterworks by bringing out her son Rene Charles to present the award and she lost it. What a bunch of assholes these producers are. SHE HAS BEEN THROUGH ENOUGH. When Celine cries everyone cries. She apologizes and throws up a trib to her late husband. PS Her son is only 15, ya pervs. But he can give me a buzz in like 7 years.

 

The Go Go’s Reunion added some much-needed mom jamz into the mix. Watching those sassy middle aged women mom snap all over the stage was gr8. Also reminded me of the days when my mom would play The Bangles for us and we would crush the choreography. Meanwhile, every tween in the audience checked Twitter during this number.

Adele looked like a dime piece in the “Send my Love (to your new lover)” music video. Otherwise it was boring AF.

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Rihanna wore a furry animal’s tail around her neck and double decker sunglasses to do a slow jam in green lighting. It wasn’t Work and it wasn’t Bitch Better Have My Money so it was welcome by me.

Demi SLAY BITCH Lovato:

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Ariana brought out her bad gurl side.

 

Nahhh:

Britney is the opener because the show is in Vegas and she currently has a residency there. I guess I missed the part where she turned into a full on robot because her dancing was cringeworthy during this medley of hits. Lip syncing was really on point though. Hey is there a show where celebrities can dress up, dance terribly and not sing? Her body’s still tight as hell, so at least she’s got that going for her.

As new host, Ciara shakes her lady bits all over the stage while Russell Wilson nutted just from watching, front row. (They don’t have sex, guys.) Even Luda was like CHECK OUT DEM LEGS, GUYS. As he mopped up drool slobbering from his mouth.

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Pink tossed it back to the year 2014 when she graced every awards show with an acrobatic ribbon routine. Except this time she just whipped through the crowd on a spinning clock, touched onstage to sing her song then was lifted with a clock hand at the end. SO ALICE IN WONDERLAND. SO OVER IT.

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Tove Lo and Nick Jonas pitched their way through “Close” and then teased a smooch at the end. Tongue was honestly the only thing that could’ve saved that performance. Except Nick couldn’t even reach her mouth. Wittle guy.

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Kesha gives this dramatic and controversial performance (cough cough Dr. Luke) and yet WEARS A HIDEOUS WHITE SUIT WITH GLITTER DECALS AND BANGS. Like I get that it’s frowned upon to talk shit about this because she’s been through some shit this year but come on. Ben Folds tickled the ivories and she covered a Bob Dylan song. At least she changed it up and showed she actually has a good voice.

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Madonna sings “Nothing Compares 2 U” for Prince. Stevie Wonder then stumbled out for a little Purple Rain. It was just like…fine.

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