JUice

Weekly JUice

Week of 6/15/15

1. Channing Tatum. On the press circuit for Magic Mike:More Male Twerking to Ginuwine Music (Official title obv.) Channing has been flaunting those abzz and his dirty teenage boy humor all over the place. I don’t hate it one bit. After riding a float in last weekend’s Pride parade in LA with Matt Bomer (SWOON), he also did an AMA this week and let us in on some key Channing secrets.

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In summary: He also gets lost in Matt Bomer’s eyes “made of dreams, rainbows and amazingness.” He learned how to dance by clubbin in Florida, there will be no full frontal nudity in Magic Mike XXL but there is little left to the imagination, he hearts pinterest and carebears, he adds cheetos to his PB&J, and he’s named is penis Gilbert. Welp there you have it folks. The most important tidbits from the mind of Channing. If you have a better attention span than me, you can read the full AMA here.

2. Hilary Duff brings back Lizzie Mcguire Movie Isabella accent. Hilary Duff’s shitty Italian accent MAKES the Lizzie McGuire movie pretty much golden. A loyal fan asked her this week to reenact it while she was promoting her new album and she happily obliged and I watched it and was embarrassed for her all over again. What a gem to entertain Lizzie McGuire fangirls. Fingers crossed she actually makes an Isabella dubsmash. That would be what dreams are made of.

3. Tim Riggins is single, everyone form a line behind me.

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While being interviewed for Elle magazine, Taylor Kitsch (forever and always Riggs) admits he’s single because he chooses not to balance a relationship with his hectic lifestyle. He wouldn’t want to ask a woman to wait for him for several weeks at a time while he’s doing press or filming. I’d just like to put it in writing for all the internet to hear, I will wait an indefinite amount of time for you, Riggs. Just let me know when you’re ready, no regrets. (coincidentally also his personal email sign off…sigh.)

4. Aziz Ansari and Jimmy Fallon show everyone how bad guys are at texting. Aziz just released a new book about how dating today sucks and to prove his point him and JFall played a little game called let’s remind girls how terrible guys are at texting. They read some embarrassing opening lines and I would like everyone who is in a relationship to have a moment of silence for what all of us single ladiezzz are dealing with. Although to be clear, it’s not just texting. I once had a guy who was chatting with me fart and then take a lap to air it out before returning and announcing that he just farted. Crushed it.

5. Kim K is a dum dum and everyone made fun of her. This doesn’t kount as Kardashian knews because I’m really just reporting on the bits that made fun of her…much more entertaining for all. Anyway, Kimmy wrote future Kimmy a letter that was so stupid I couldn’t even listen to more than one second of it. I could, however, listen to both Jimmy Kimmel and James Corden mock it on each of their shows. Enjoi.

BONUS: While people are getting chomped on by sharks left and right (not funny, literally my greatest fear) Zac Efron is riding sharks in Hawaii.

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Music, Playlist

Best Fictional Hits Playlist

I had one of those days where I realized how many songs I have in my iTunes that are actually fake bands from TV shows or movies and I decided to throw them together into a playlist because why not? (take a crazy chance, do a crazy dance) Anyway you’re either going to think this is super weird or you’re gonna love it…it’s a random selection of fictional songs that would’ve soared the Billboard Charts had they been sung by real life musicians.

1. What Dreams Are Made Of- Lizzie McGuire, The Lizzie McGuire Movie

Always start a playlist with a bang. That’s my motto. Lizzie was just a normal awkward middle school girl but suddenly on her chaperoned trip to Rome she was mistaken for an Italian pop star and got to perform in the Coliseum. Ho hum, no biggie. Not only is this song fire flames, but this performance was magnetic. Therefore it will be one of the only videos I attach to this list because in order to say Buona Sera to my American friend Lizzie Mcguire, you need the visual aide of a skirt turning into a metallic jumpsuit with belly button cutout and technicolor lights. SING TO ME, PAOLO! (Please read in shitty Italian accent)

2. Zach’s Song- School of Rock, School of Rock

What do you get when you put together a chubby Asian, rebel with spiked hair and a quiet nerd? The keyboardist, drummer and guitarist/singer for the coolest band in the world, duh. You don’t like good music if you don’t think this song melts faces. Also Freddy, if you’re still a bad boy drummer with an attitude, CALL ME!

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3. Stephanie- Tommy Page, Full House

Did I really need to force everyone to listen to Stephanie Tanner shriek Tommy Page at the top of her lungs before the song even starts? No, but I’ve had this bootleg version for so long that I think her pre-teen screech has become a staple in this beautiful melody. If my dad ever got a teen heartthrob to serenade me at my 13th birthday party I think I would melt into a puddle of awkward and not know what to do with my hands. Stephanie handles much better, by falling in love with Tommy who probably shouldn’t be singing to a teenager that she means everything to him. Also the kiss on the lips could’ve been a little misleading. Yikes, creep.

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4. Halo- Haley James Scott, One Tree Hill

Obviously there’s no way I would make a fake pop star playlist and not include my little tutor girl turned rocker, Hales. This is easily her best song and also the one that caused the least conflict with hubs Nathan, so win, win all around.

5. That Thing You Do- The Wonders, That Thing You Do

Hey remember this movie with Liv Tyler as a 60’s smoke with perfect eyeliner all the time? Anyway…this song is awesome and even though The Wonders (formerly Oneders) had to disband due to their lead singer being a dick, this one hit wonder (see what I did there, ha-ha) will forever live on.

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6. Supernova Girl- Proto Zoa, Zenon: Girl of the 21st Century

Seems pretty awkz to go from a movie with Tom Hanks in it to a song about outer space from a Disney movie, right? I like to keep you on the edge of your seat, obviously. Zetus Lupetus this song is stupid AF but SO catchy. I mean seriously, Proto Zoa had silver spiked hair and obviously had a way with words MAJOR.

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7. Friends Forever- Zack Attack, Saved By The Bell

Ah, back in the days when Zack and his Bayside buddies would dream about making it big and having Casey Kasem (RIP) narrate their climb to fame. Fortunately for all Zack Attack fans, Zack didn’t start banging their manager and turn into a superdouche to go solo and wear hammer pants. Instead the gang stayed Friends Forever and sang about it. And by sang about it I mean the show hired a bunch of mature adults to sing it and then tried to pass it off like these 16 year olds sounded like that.

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8. 3 Small Words- Josie & the Pussycats, Josie & The Pussycats

Confession: I don’t even think I ever saw this movie but you bet your bottom dollar I downloaded this song from Limewire and slapped it on a mix CD to listen to in my walkman. I memorized these lyrics like nobody’s biz and I’m 99% sure it was because I was not allowed to see the movie and didn’t want to have FOMO when all my friends talked about it so I learned the song to have something to contribute to the convo. Anyway, GIRLS RULE.

9. 5000 Candles in the Wind- Mouse Rat, Parks & Recreation

I’m late to the party and just now rolling through all the episodes of Parks & Rec but even as a fresh fan it seemed wrong to make a playlist without a tribute to Lil Sebastian. RIP in horsey heaven. Also Leslie told Andy to make Candle In the Wind but 5000x better and he NAILED it.

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10. Now Or Never-Troy Bolton (& Fellow Wildcats), High School Musical 3: Senior Year

Listen, with three High School Musical movies it was pretty tough to narrow it down to just one song. Obviously Breaking Free was the one that started it all but it’s slow and it just didn’t feel right. High School Musical 2 doesn’t count because it SUUUUUCKKKED so that left senior year, their big theater debut to choose from. Again, so many jams so little time. I chose this one because it has everything that High School Musical embodies all in one song. The love between Gabriella and Troy (check), the overemphasis on a non-ranking varsity basketball team (check), Troy battling his passion for sports AND singing at an inconvenient time (check) and finally everyone in the school joining in uninvited (check). Plus it gets you pumped up to win the big game or sing your heart out or whatever.

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11. Killer Tofu- The Beets, Doug

What I really wanted to do was include Doug’s quick foray into singing on this playlist but how I remembered the song “Bangin on a trashcan” was WAY better than what it actually sounded like. I think Beebe did backup vocals or something and it RUINED the song. Plus Skeeter didn’t honk, honk in it. Lame. This one is a gr8 tune from Doug’s fave band The Beets. I’m shocked they don’t cycle this on classic rock stations. OH-EE-OHHH KILLER TOFUUUUUU.

“I eat my sugar cereal but it makes my teeth bacterial”- THIS IS GENIUS SONGWRITING.

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12. Ultimate- Pink Slip, Freaky Friday

I’m not at all embarrassed to admit that I purchased a hard copy of this movie’s soundtrack and also was inspired to learn guitar so that I could start a rock band and win over a guy who looked like Chad Michael Murray. I played the song this band played at Wango Tango in the movie to my dad and told him to teach it to me. He taught me Jingle Bells first and I quit guitar lessons a week later. Pipe dreams, ya know? Anyway, Linds rockin an electric guitar at her mom’s wedding was SO RAD.

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13. Cinderella- The Cheetah Girls, The Cheetah Girls

Ideally “Cheetah Sisters” would be on this playlist but it’s actually a real snooze of a song for like the first minute and no one is gonna sit around for that. This song is actually good, so you’re welcome, everyone’s ears. The Cheetah girls introduced me to stupid handshakes, excessive animals prints, and the fact that names like Galleria, Aqua and Dorinda even existed. #Culture. Thanks Disney Channel. 3LW obviously carried the group and I’m grateful they demoted their careers for this flick. Plus they gave me a reason to still regularly say “We’re Cheetah Girls, Cheetah Sisters” every time someone else wears a cheetah print on the same day as me. (It happens more often than you would think.)

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14. Forever- Jesse & The Rippers, Full House

YAASSSSS. SING IT TO ME, UNCLE J. This song is probably the best song to ever come out of a TV show…it was also #1 in Japan, domo very much. Jesse & The Rippers were the shit and I could’ve put any of their songs on this mix but this one deserves it the most because it was written for Becky and it’s adorbz. Relationship goals. Plus it has an actual music video featuring a very shirtless Jesse. Lick.

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15. Bella’s Finals- Barden Bellas, Pitch Perfect

Since I tortured you with some real weird 90’s and Disney songs on this playlist, we shall end the same way we started…with fire flames. The Barden Bellas are the badass bitches of the accapella world and this mashup they did to win the finals should win all the awards ever. It’s also a really great drinking song.

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Television

TBT- Lizzie McGuire

Hey guys remember Miranda Sanchez from Lizzie McGuire AKA Lalaine (one name only)? No you dont? Well she wants you to remember her and she also wanted to let everyone know that she’s still friends with Lizzie’s creepy little brother Matt and #1 crush Ethan Craft. That’s why she posted this pic of them all hanging out for the first time in ten years to Twitter & Insta the other day cause they’re a #famBAM, duh.

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After some careful research I found that Ethan Craft (Clayton Snyder) is still a smokeshow with great hair and apparently he still has a sense of humor about his claim to fame too:

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Unfortunately he no longer acts- he’s a water polo player whose real into tweeting about God.

Our days with Lizzie McGuire teaching us how uncool girls talk to an imaginary cartoon of themselves may be long gone but we still have the memories. I’d like to thank Lalaine for clawing her way back into my peripheral vision for a mere moment, prompting me to google Lizzie Mcguire and find that the internet is a TREASURE TROVE of Lizzie gifs and pictures. Obviously I have to share them all with you…so here are all of the best moments of Lizzie – TV show only, the movie deserves (and probably will get) it’s own blog.

Please press play on this song while you read so that you can truly feel like it’s still 2001. (Also watch in full for killer outfits and a falling montage.)

“Life goes by-Who knows why” -Whoa. That’s deep, grl

1. Between a Rock and a Bra Place. Lizzie and Miranda decide that in order to be popular and cool, they NEED a bra. I understand this logic completely because I too begged for a bra except I wasn’t 13, I was like 10. I finally got a nice neon green shelf/sports bra (two adjustable straps) from Limited Too and rather than wear it under my shirt like most (all) girls should do with bras, I felt that I didn’t actually own a bra until I wore it loud and proud for everyone to witness. That unfortunately meant that for the entire summer following my bra purchase, I wore it as a top under overall jean shorts or sticking out of spaghetti strap tank tops. I pray that my mother didn’t document anything for that three months because it was shameful. But since Lizzie and Miranda deemed it cool, I feel like it’s okay to confess this story to you all. Anyway, Lizzie and Miranda were too scared to tell Mrs. McGuire that they wanted a bra so they made up some phony story to get a ride to the mall and then she caught them red handed checking out white lacy triangle top no padding bras and the jig was up.

Best Quote: “I WANT A BRA!”- This wouldn’t have been that embarrassing to shout if Gordo wasn’t there and instead of laughing it off, he got all the uncomfies because he probably didn’t know what a bra was, or boobs.

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2. Bad Girl McGuire. Lizzie gets shuffled in with a bad bitch named Angel (nice one) teasing her and disrupting class and is sent to detention where she decides that she absolutely needs to have tats and piercings to fit in or else she’ll get noogie’d or something. This creates a Lizzie we’ve never seen before who gets into hard drugs and ends up living on the street. Just kidding, she adds colored hair extensions and fake piercings from Claires and calls it a day. Since the only times I was ever sent to detention was for being late to class three times in middle school (my detention=sitting in the principal’s office for lunch) and texting on my cell phone during my high school free period (no…seriously) I also thought that I was going to die if I had to stay in school past 4pm. I guess my gurl Lizzie and I just weren’t meant to be rebels who play it fast and loose.

Best Quote: “Take a chill pill, parents” The SASS, the eyeroll, the use of the phrase CHILL PILL.

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Seriously could this fake hair be any worse?

3. First Kiss. Lizzie begins an adorable romance with Ronnie the paper boy (total sonic the hedgehog hair hottie) and they hold hands and roller skate and he gives her her first kiss and a ring that says they’re boyfriend and girlfriend. A RING. Times have reeeallllyyy changed.

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Anyway that ring pretty much was equivalent to dog shit in Ronnie’s mind because suddenly he likes another girl and he tells Lizzie about his wandering eye and they break up all in the course of like a week. Gordo who was a raging jelly belly while they were dating, and watched them kiss with a gaping mouth and tears streaming down his face suddenly becomes Lizzie’s shoulder to cry on awwwwwwwwwwwww and he’s still in the friend zone. Duhs.

Best Quote (s): wahwah prettier

“And she probably wears bedazzled barrettes with crimped hair better than me…”

4. In Miranda Lizzie Does Not Trust/Inner Beauty. I clumped two Miranda episodes together to make a point–Miranda was the dud of the group who only got attention when she had supes dramatic issues. She was so boring that the Disney Channel sent her to Mexico to visit her grandma while Lizzie, Gordo and even the most minor characters all went to Rome in a feature film. YIKES MIRANDA, sucks to SUCK. Anyway in the first episode that made this blurb, Miranda sticky fingers Sanchez knocks over a lipstick display in the department store and then the security guard finds one in her purse. Miranda’s all whoopsie it was a mistake and Lizzie is all, well you stole extra sugar the other day at the coffee shop or something so you’re probably into grand theft auto. THROW HER IN THE SLAMMER. They get in a fight because Lizzie didn’t have Miranda’s back but like, don’t be a klepto Miranda. Tough stuff, lesson learned. The second episode “Inner Beauty” is where Miranda develops an eating disorder for five minutes because Gordo points out that she eats a lot of snacks. Hey Gordo, all chicks eat a lot of snacks. IT’S HOW WE BREAK UP OUR DAY. Anyway she skips lunch and then faints and then Lizzie and Gordo tell her that she’s a beautiful princess model and she’s like k joke’s over let’s start eating again. Hey Miranda, you may have wacky hair and loud pants but you’re not fooling anyone, you’re a melvin who creates unnecessary drama.

Best Quote: “And uh Ethan Craft uh spotted a cloud he thought looked like a donkey and ran face first into a beehive.” I found this online while looking up the episode quotes and laughed out loud. It’s good to know a show for thirteen year olds still genuinely entertains me.

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Don’t arrest me, I’m PATRIOTIC. See?!?!

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5. Aaron Carter’s Coming to Town. Saved the best for last obviously. The gang hears that AC is coming to shoot a music video in their town so they scheme up a plan to crash his apparently very low level security studio and meet him/be in the music video. Aaron macks all up on Lizzie under the mistletoe and since he feels bad leaving Lizzie’s lame friends out they all get to be in the music video as fly girls and Gordo stands in the corner sketchily filming the video on his personal camera for later…It’s a liiiitttle creepy that Gordo was always lurking with a video camera, no? The best part is that we get pieces of a real life CHEEEZETASTIC music video out of it (and apparently a romance between Hil and Aaron that continues today…one-sided.)  Enjoy.

Best Quote: “Aaron Carter walked on this ground! I’m never wearing these shoes again!”-Miranda…act cool for ONCE.

“Hey Justin, It’s Aaron. I can’t come tonight I’m going to see a girl. HER NAME IS CANDY… and I’ve paid for her time.”

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*Bonus Moment: Bye Bye Hillridge Junior High. The last episode that I really remember was when they were about to move on to high school. Woooooffff I’m old. This is when the sexual tension between Gordo and Lizzie is out of control. He wants to write a love letter in her yearbook and she’s set on writing “You rock, don’t ever change” in everyone’s yearbooks and I’ve never loved anything harder. It’s SO much more mature than “Hope your summer’s like toilet paper, long and useful.” or just “HAGS”. Puke. Anyway the episode ends with the 8th grade photo and Lizzie lays one right on Gordo(‘s cheek, c’mon guys it’s Disney) and he has a shit eating grin for the picture. They promise each other that they will always rock and never ever change and it’s so cute that we almost forget that Gordo stays her friend for like an eternity until an Italian pop star tries to embarrass Lizzie–To Be Continued.

Best Quote: “Don’t worry. I’ve got your back, McGuire.”-Gordo ❤

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You’ll notice that no where in the best moments of Lizzie did I mention this little cartoon sassmonster

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Because it was probably the WORST part of the show. Every time she appeared in her platform flip flops, jean capris and crop top with artfully drawn-in baby boobs I rushed to cover my eyes and ears. Dear Cartoon Lizzie, you’re not funny and you look weird. Boom Roasted.

Also notably missing: Ethan Craft. I found that I didn’t remember him ever being a central part of a story line other than when he was talking about his hair. So here’s your obligatory Ethan quote:

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And there you have it, through the highs and the lows Lizzie still managed to be the coolest unpopular girl you will ever meet.

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Errrr, or something like that. You rock girl–don’t eva change.

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