Oscars Red Carpet 2023

We’ve arrived at the big one, that means spring is just around the corner! F that groundhog looking for his damn shadow, all we need is a 7 hour stuffy as hell broadcast with a bunch of A-list actors and a host making PC jokes to know the long winter is almost over. Unfortunately when last year’s show includes Will Smith bum-rushing the stage and bitch-slapping Chris Rock on live TV, the one that follows is gonna be tighter than a butthole. This was one of the most boring awards show ever broadcast and that includes their color choice for the carpet, which was “champagne.” It’s beige, folks. Just call it beige. Not sure why they decided to switch it up from the infamous red, but for anyone in my close circle of friends (my Twitter followers) you know that I’m currently obsessed with neutral tones and have been on an aggressive hunt to transform my entire wardrobe into exclusively Oat Milk articles of clothing, shoes, and accessories. So what I’m trying to say is that I can’t really knock a beige carpet when I just purchased a “Vanilla” sweatsuit to really commit to my NUDE era. So without further ado, all the looks from a carpet that will immediately turn brown from people traipsing all over it.

WORST

Did Florence turn her ponytail INTO micro bangs? It looks like a choice was made here and that choice was to flip her ponytail onto her forehead and superglue it there. Although I could probably spend this entire commentary discussing how that was a terrible choice, it’s important for me to also point out the bedsheet wrapped around spankypants look she’s rockin below the fringe. Nothin like rolling yourself up in a Duvet and hitting the show!

I’m never going to support a slicked back updo. ESPECIALLY from someone who has curly hair like me. Rep us curly gurlz on that champagne carpet, WHAT ARE YOU ASHAMED OF?! Yea that’s right I just took one look at this hairstyle and crafted a clickbait spin that Jenny was ashamed of her natural curls. Get on my level.

Can you imagine showing up to the biggest awards show, not being an actress, and wearing feather boas? Let’s take it down a notch, Molly. This ain’t your show, honey. Save it for the Paris catwalk.

If you’re the arm candy of Antonio Banderas at the Oscars, you’ve gotta do better than this Fabletics lookin coordinated set. I mean is she walking a red (beige) carpet or leading an at-home workout on Youtube for all of her followers? It’s even more ridiculous that Antonio is in a tux next to Barbie Burpees.

I’m not mad, I’m just disappointed in Kate. This isn’t the ugliest dress on the planet but it’s certainly not doing it for me. More importantly, it is the 20 year anniversary of How to Lose a Guy in 10 Days this year and HOW DO YOU NOT WEAR THE ICONIC YELLOW DRESS WITH THE CANARY ISADORA DIAMOND TO THE OSCARS?! I mean people would LOSE THEIR SHIT. That was a huge opportunity missed and I’ll be irrationally peeved about it for a little while. Do better next time, Andie Anderson.

This is a Free Willy nightmare. I don’t know if it’s the actual Orca fin of taffeta hanging off her back that’s making her posture so shitty or if she just knows this look sucks and is posing like the ~~Hunchback of Notre Dame~~ Humpback of the Pacific admitting defeat.

I hate this color. I hate the tie top halter and keyhole cleavage. I hate the bottom half looking like doorway streamers you buy on Amazon for decorating an Airbnb for a Bachelorette. HateHateHateDoubleHate…LOATHE ENTIRELY.

Not into the drapey fabrics style. It’s always the type of dress you trip over (because where are your feet) and also end up dragging your sleeves through the sauce on your plate or knocking over your wine glass making a real mess of things. I wanted to be a part of the poncho trend years ago when it was cool until I wore one to work and knocked my pencil cup off my desk every time I moved my arms. A lesson was learned. Just because it’s “trendy” doesn’t mean it’s practical. Also, not for nothing, but shapeless as hell.

I love following along when people get thirsty AF for male actors and then watching as they all come back down to earth and put their boners away. This should be a sobering moment for all because the guy people have been calling DADDY for weeks on Twitter is wearing suit pants that are SO long they look like JNCO jeans bagging up around his ankles. REAL Daddies wear a tailored suit.

Slicked ‘do, clown makeup and a tiny belt resting atop her labia. Need I say more?

This is a really fun color and I don’t hate a suit moment but it has to be fitted right or a flattering style. Wearing a floor length business duster ain’t it, chicky. Waist-length jacket open to the bustier underneath would’ve slapped way harder.

This triggered me. Although a MUCH classier version, all I could think of when I saw Ashley was a recent episode of Love is Blind (S3, After the Altar) where Alexis wore the below number to her birthday party, which her dad attended. I repeat, her father was at a party where she wore this:

Sure, this is an extreme comparison. But also, is it really? When are we going to stop doing see through numbers with briefs (or lack thereof) underneath? Also perhaps I just really wanted the world to set their peepers on this birthday suit a reality TV star wore for realz and felt good about. Wanna know how I know LIB isn’t matching people with their true loves or “their person” as is gagworthy repeated time after time on this show? Cause her PERSON would’ve taken one look at that atrocity of a lace stocking stretched over her tits and bits and said “go change.” Instead her man told her she looked amazing. I give the marriage 5 years tops. And that’s being generous.

Ana’s a bangpiece and I’ve seen her knock it out of the park plenty of times but tonight wasn’t one of those times. There’s something so meh about this look and I’ve never been real rah-rah for ruffles or in this case, scales. on a dress.

THE SKINNY SCARF. Guys. If those are coming back put me in the G-D ground. The worth nothing, completely uncoordinated skinny knit scarf tossed over a t-shirt HAUNTS me as much as Gaucho pants and kitten heels do. YIKES ON BIKES. Speaking of horrifying trends coming back…I found myself in a Forever 21 this weekend (don’t ask, I’m not willing to admit why a 31 year old found herself scouring a Forever 21 and also making a purchase) but my jaw was on the ground the entire time as it looked exactly like a Delia’s catalog from 1996 come to life. The spaghetti strap crop tops with stupid bedazzled phrases, smiley faces and flames. I GASPED when I saw these bad boys:

Fashion is not real.

It’s gonna be a hard no for me, bub.

Once again, WHAT DO PEOPLE FIND SEXY ABOUT THIS GUY?!

Ariana usually does something trendy and quirky and this fell flat. Plus, fabric shooting out of your butthole tail style…two thumbs down.

Lenny, you’re way too old to be going chesties out at a black tie event. Not a good enough reason to let the breeze hit your nips.

It’s giving grandma’s curtains/tablecloth/nightgown all rolled into one vibes.

Is that a bedazzled rhombus on your chest or are you just happy to see me?

Silk AND peach?! Bruh. Come on.

“I’ve got the best idea! Let’s just forget the sleeve on one side but in it’s place we’ll do a couple of one foot wide glitter flowers hanging off the dress.” – The designer of this dumpster fire gown, probably.

There’s never a circumstance where I need to know if you’ve recently gotten a bikini wax by seeing it with my own peepers for an awards show.

Say it with me now y’all, TOO MUCH FABRIC!

And in the same camp…why are we ADDING layers to the hip area?! I love the color and the bold lip but this drapey sitch is OUT.

When I first saw this I was like HELL YEA, MARLEE. Get down with your bad self. And then something that inevitably happens every time I do a red carpet blog, by the time I got back ’round to doing commentary for it I flip-flopped and suddenly hated it. She basically has the same hairstyle as Reese Witherspoon in Sweet Home Alabama and I can’t razz all over Molly Sims for her boa arms and not also throw stones at Marlee for her feather cake bottom gown. EQUALITY FOR SHITTING ALL OVER BOA FASH.

This is an MK or A witchy simplistic lewk and I expect more from E. We know your sisters dress like this at every public outing (usually baggier and with more layers) but you’re a rising star at the beginning of your career that didn’t start on straight to VHS short films with original white girl rap songs. GIVE US SOMETHING SPICY. Take a chance, boo!

Unpopular opinion but I don’t worship the ground Rihanna walks on for literally no reason. She made some catchy pop beats like 10 years ago and she seems cool and all but this Beyonce-level obsession that people have with her and thinking she is a fashion icon is a little much. I thought her super bowl outfit that had people questioning if she had a pregnancy announcement or just hadn’t pooped in a while kinda sucked and the same goes for this sheer/leather thang. Sorry…not sorry.

DID SHE TIE THE BOTTOM OF HER DRESS INTO A RAT TAIL? Get the hell out of my face with that.

A very public Kelly Ripa H8er (Rege & KLG 4 LIFE), I rolled my eyes out of my damn head when she announced that Ryan Seacrest would be leaving the show and her husband would be taking his place. I’m a firm believer that she’s a real twat and difficult to work with so it checks that she’s now choosing the one person who doesn’t get paid to tolerate her on the daily. I smelled drama with this switcheroo and I know she’s trying to get ahead of it by showing up with both like there isn’t bad blood but WE KNOW YOU KELLY. THERE’S ALWAYS SOMETHING. And that’s my unrelated bitchy rant to close out awards season. Also look how far those three clowns are standing apart. I’ve never seen a more uncomfy trio. Ok, now I’m done. Is Mark wearing a jean shirt? KByeeeeeeeee.

What an asshole move. Every time they panned to the audience and I saw this skyscraper hood levitating above her head I felt bad for everyone sitting behind her. If I was running the show and saw her roll through I’d tell her she had to sit in the nosebleeds. It’s only fair.

BEST

Love a pastel moment and we didn’t get too many of them tonight. SPRING HAS SPRUNG LITTLE CHICKADEES!

Idris lookin like a stone cold fox in that blue patterned jacket but unfortunately for us all he chose to bring Kermit the Frog as his date. There’s a reacher and a settler in every relashe and I think we’ve solidified who is who here.

I’ve come to accept that Seth exclusively wants to look like he’s going to prom and out of the many quirky pastels he’s tried to pull off in the past, this ivory and steel blue combo is his best. His wife wore a much less offensive shade of green than ole Kermie above, which was nice.

I could not be more obsessed with not only a periwinkle suit, but a periwinkle suit with pearl starburst buttons. Grey shoes would’ve been the obvious choice here instead of a chunky black loafer but I’m guessing he was somewhat trying to coordinate with his lady friend, so we’ll let it slide.

What a fun take on crop separates! Bustier top and a hot orange bottom keeping it sassy as hell.

This kid knows what’s up. Sick kicks and a sparkly jacket. I respect starting strong right out the gate. Keep up the good work, Ginger Snap.

I don’t know how Vanessa became a key player in red carpet fashion but she’s been throwing heaters for the past few years now and I accept.

God, nothing makes me smile like a finger gun pose at a black tie affair.

One of the few red numbers of the eve and she looks great!

Dubs hands on hips and some midsection lacies is fierce. WERK.

Only thing more cool guy than a shimmery silver jacket would’ve been matching bottoms but something tells me Samuel L. doesn’t need anymore street cred.

PRINCESS PINK MOMENT!

Michelle almost snagged the best dressed honor because she is an angelic beauty in this.

I can’t stand phantom sleeves attached to nothing but I need to commend Mindy for stepping outside of the box. Her show The Mindy Project featured some of the quirkiest and fun bold outfits episode after episode and then when I see Mindy on the red carpet it feels like she’s always in blacks, navy blues, and basic styles. More of this good shit, please! She looks sexy and fashionable even though her upper arms are probably cold. Seriously, what’s the point of forearm sleeves? But I digress…

HOT COUPLE ALERT. (They’d be hot even if they showed up in athleisure, but that’s why Hollywood is unfair and exists to remind us that we’re all a bunch of poor, ugly, slobs.)

Speaking of unfair, Jessica literally looks like a painting.

Let’s be real, it’s the pocket for me.

Another cut sleeve thing which really burns my biscuits but hot damn that dress fits her like a glove. You know what it is? I think the sleeves are giving me flashbacks to the fishnet cut-off girls would get from Hot Topic and slide over their pasty arms with an American Eagle graphic tee. Glad you could join me on this journey to find out why I’m personally triggered by a trend. Always a pleasure working through things with you.

A real daddy, if you will. A well deserved thirst trap.

Now that awards season is over, let’s all stop making fun of his Elvis accent. Pinky swear?

This is the unhinged part of the blog where I declare that Michelle and Jamie Lee must’ve been keeping up with The Salty Ju because I knocked them down a peg at the Globes and they stepped it UP for the Oscars. Has everything to do with me and my highly valued opinions and nothing to do with the fact that this is the biggest awards show and the final one of the season. These light sparkly gowns are flattering and goddess-like which is much more fitting of two first-time Oscar winners. Well done babes.

Another pastel princess moment for the new Princess Ariel. BTW that trailer sucked. Don’t turn an UNDERWATER move into live action. It looked fake as hell. Some things just BELONG in animation. Whoops, got a little hot under the collar about a Disney Vault Classic. Sorry bout it.

BEST LOOK OF THE NIGHT:

Honestly Cara was at every awards show this year and I don’t even know what she was in to warrant an awards season tour but also I don’t really care with a stunner like this. She crushed and she knows it. Anyone who’s still comparing this to “Angelina Jolie’s leg moment” is stuck in the past because if you’re asking me she blows big Ange outta the water. I would say more about why she’s the top contender of the evening but I can’t stop staring at that sleek gam. I’m rendered speechless by stem. Snaps for you Cara. Ya did the damn thing.

Red Carpet

Oscars Red Carpet 2022

We take what we can get for awards season now…this cold hard truth not only applies to the drought of red carpets nowadays but also the three raggedy ass hosts they cobbled together for this awards show. One, that I might add, operated perfectly fine without a host at all in previous years and no one even missed irrelevant comedians telling the obvious ‘Leonardo Dicaprio only dates younger’ jokes and terribly unfunny bits. And even though the job has been done by one or sometimes none, we had three women last night trying to entertain us and make us laugh and the show was painfully boring up until Will Smith cold cocked Chris Rock for making a joke about his wife being GI Jane (she is bald due to alopecia.) I only know that this happened because of Twitter. ABC cut the whole thing then everyone went ahead and kept it moving like dad didn’t just hit mom at the dinner table. Nothin like covering up a physical fight on live TV! But don’t worry, whoever Will Smith blew at the network continued to cover his ass when he accepted an award later on and proceeded to blubber onstage about protecting his family and the things we do for love. He got a REAL nice edit as we basically watched a screensaver instead of him snotting up all the boogs in a tight closeup. They also allowed him to basically word vomit and slobber for as long as he pleased without playing him off. So here’s the deal…if we’re going to be deprived of awards shows, the few that we get better have as much drama as an episode of Below Deck and the next time a network tries to cut out and cover it up, heads are gonna roll. GIVE THE PEOPLE WHAT THEY WANT. Anyway, here’s how everyone dressed for the celebrity smackdown of ’22.

WORST.

It’s the puffy sleeves and black lace gloves for me. Also sweet black briefs.

Did she for realsies tie the top of her dress like it’s a dog poop bag full of turds?

WHAT IN THE GOTHIC HELL IS THIS, MAGGIE?! Magpie played it real safe at the SAG’s only to show up at the biggest red carpet stage with hieroglyphics pinned all over her damn body.

We are an excited wave away from those knockers bustin through for a meet and greet.

I very much love Billie’s hair. Neon green should never be a color choice for luscious locks and I’m so glad she’s gotten herself out of that alien silk jammies and two-toned hair phase. hOwEvEr…wrapping yourself in a table skirt is no bueno. We’ve still got some work to do hun-nay.

BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO. Mr. Superior Thinkin over here had the AUDACITY to grace a red carpet after he was dragged for 10 whole minutes in November and never even acknowledged it?! GET. LAAAAWWWWST. You think you’re too cool for the Oscars? You don’t need to dress up? Just go casj because you grew up in a silver spoon gated community? Those shoes organic? Boy, bye.

I mean we get it, Megan, you got a body that won’t quit. But I’d still like to see you in something that’s doing a lot less. You can still show off those stemz of yours tastefully.

These two make my eyes roll out of my head and down the street. I’m sick of them. I want them to go away for a little while and that was true BEFORE Will just casually popped off at Chris Rock for seemingly no reason (still waiting for a playback on that one…we watch paint dry for 2.5 hours and they cut the juiciest moment. Buncha squares over at ABC.) Regardless, shout out to my girl Kat for giving me the perfect summary of Jada’s dress: looks like she’s covered in green trash bags. I hope now that this press tour for Will’s movie is over, these two will moonwalk into oblivion and give us all a break.

Shweet plaid bow tie, Penelope. SOUND fashion decision.

DIE AWAY FROM ME, PEPLUM. I don’t even really know if this falls under the peplum category kinda looks like she’s got an inner tube around her waist but whatever you wanna call it, it sucks.

Well the good news is if your hands get chilly you can just shove them into your seashell pockets.

Someone please explain this wiener cover in the form of a fancy dinner napkin. What is the purpose of this? I NEED TO KNOW.

I gotta believe cool guy snowboarder Shaun White has more potential than a plain black tux. Really could’ve wowed us here, maybe even done a bold funky USA suit since it was his last hurrah at the Olympics and he gives us Men’s Warehouse classic. I do not accept.

Classic Texas Mother of the Bride or gala dress on Reebz. Sparkle and modest. I want something more daring. Yeah that’s right I’m now basically transforming my worst dressed list into bullying people to take more fashion chances. DANCE FOR ME, PUPPETS!

Again, I’ve seen Jason kill it with cool looks. He wore a pink velvet tux with a matching scrunchie one year. How do you go from that to black on black? Is he mourning his separation still? Wrap it up and start making a fashion splash again, big sexy.

I don’t know if she was taking inspiration from Tammy Fay for this look but it should be illegal to take inspiration from a woman who tattooed lip liner onto her face. This is all sorts of glimmery garbage. If the store Justice (or Limited Too for all y’all elder millennials like me) made grown up clothes this would be it.

Excuse me sir, but there is absolutely no excuse to be flashing your pre-pubescent hairless chest on a red carpet.

This is a priest robe and I’ll be having none of your blasphemy that she didn’t straight jack this right out of the church wardrobe.

Our Fredericks of Hollywood 2022 Edition.

We’ll just go right through the shopping mall lineup cause this is a Party City 99 cent backdrop.

OoOh, vulvas! FUN!

Ok hear me out, what if we did bright emerald green which will really pop on the carpet. But we need something else, something that will really make this look stand out. BUCKLES. (this is how I imagine the initial design meeting went for this pukefest of a dress.)

Red.Dot.Nip.Covers.

This is bringing a very medieval vibe and no I will never get on board with fingerless gloves no matter how often Paris Hilton tries to shove them down our throats.

Host 1 of 3 and this outfit is ATROCIOUS. What are we doing with the bows here, squad?! Is this the new loose pieces of hair trend? Anyway, congrats Amy on not only being one of the most famous comedians that everyone RIPS for stealing all of your material but also being the worst dressed Oscar host on a year when they couldn’t pick just one.

BEST

Don’t think bleach blonde goes with this look but we’ll let it slide because this dress fits her like a glove and I’ll always have a boner for a perfectly color coordinated jewel.

Considering she had to beg for an invite via social media, I’m guessing black was an FU Academy choice but she looks like a dime piece so everyone’s a winner here.

Even though she’s the matriarch of a pigpen family who never showers, Mila sure knows how to take a whore’s bath and clean UP.

HELL YEAH WITH THIS AQUA JACKET

Hot damn, Jennifer Garner is a perfect specimen.

I don’t think I knew that this awkward bird had a set of drumsticks on her. Who wears short shorts? Bella, where the hell have you been loca?!

Andrew’s always got a little smoking jacket flava.

Would.

Host 2 of 3 also lookin kinda like a televangelist straight out of Righteous Gemstones but it’s working for her.

Kevin Costner living up to his DILF vibes. 67 years old and still rolling down the red carpet in shades cause the sun never sets on cool.

This is the true definition of an hourglass figure. Lotta RED HOT looks at the Oscars, pun intended.

How the hell did Kev bag an invite to the Oscars and the others didn’t?! Lookin sharp though, bud.

Ariana is straight KILLIN this outfit. Such a close call for best outfit of the night. But she won an Oscar and made history so that’s probably more important to her than getting my highly esteemed fashion stamp of approval.

Regina rounding out the trio of hosts that couldn’t keep the train on the tracks last night but important to note, the best dressed of the three. This gown is flawless and the color is perfect. Props to you Regina. You may not be funny but you’re well-dressed.

Don’t know what we owe this pleasure but just grateful as hell that these two kept their tongues in their mouths and look put together. Keep up the good work.

Gonna be honest I don’t know that I’ve ever seen Kirsten Dunst look good. Does that sound harsh? Sure but remind yourself what blog you’re reading right now. The good news is she looks stunning in this princess gown.

Rawr.

Red was the real winner of the night. Knocked it out of the park with this old Hollywood glam.

Smokin hot and much more approps than the twat twist at the SAG awards.

10 out of 10 for this rosy sparkle number and Nicky’s pregnancy glow.

BARBIE PINK REALNESS.

BEST LOOK OF THE NIGHT:

Zendaya is serving A LOOK here. God I wish I could pull off blue steel without looking like I just drowned my children in the bathtub. She is mean muggin the camera in boardroom on top, beauty pageant on bottom and I am BUYING what she’s SELLING. It’s unique, it’s flattering, and she’s somehow made a waitress white button down crop top elegant?! Magic.

Red Carpet

Oscars 2021 Red Carpet

I gotta be honest we better be winding down on this rescheduled awards season because I’m running out of free trials I can sign up for just to watch them. And if I’m being REALLY honest, I wasted a free trial on this one. I had high hopes. I know, you’re probably saying, LEARN YOUR LESSON ALREADY, JULIA. ALL AWARDS SHOWS STINK. And normally you’re right. But we all know I could never skip out on an event that involves celebrities and the potential for gossip. PLUS, they were really amping up the “no zoom” aspect of this one. I’m so thirsty for a live awards show without a wall full of screens and awkward delays that I actually got excited for the Oscars. I’m here to report it was the LARGEST of disappointments. I’m not sure if Hollywood Libs just weren’t comfortable attending in person (I mean, we all know they’ve been vaccinated and get tested 24/7 anyway by their on-staff doctors) or if they just want to make it LOOK like they’re not comfy but basically no one showed up to this thing. We have about 4 big names, no host, and the thing played like we were watching a livestream of a work conference for actors.

It was D-R-Y as shiiiiiiiittttt. On top of the fact that they were really trying to create a “storyteller” vibe to the evening giving each nominee a 20 minute backstory, they also STOPPED REGULATING ACCEPTANCE SPEECHES. Do you know what happens when you don’t have a musical cue to tell people in show biz to STFU? They don’t STFU. They just keep talking. For-EV-er. So anyway, joke’s on me for signing up for FuboTV for one night of a 4 hour TedTalk on the art of movies. I’ll save you that torture and try to keep the red carpet short and sweet. There’s a handful of nobodies in here simply because I either loved their outfit or hated it. That’s how I decided to include someone in my fashion critique when I have no clue who they are. The ladies were having a RED HAWT night and that pretty much sums up the outfits for the worst Oscars ever.

WORST

This may seem contradictory to my style because I’ve been known to slap on a pair of kicks for any occasion but also IT’S THE OSCARS. Walking the red carpet like you just stepped off the farm is pushing it a little too far. I’m not saying you need to be a Glam-azon but an effort wouldn’t hurt here.

This lady with the lizard-under-attack neck is also carrying a SHRIMP clutch. And honestly I might’ve considered tossing her on the best dressed just for that accessory if it looked like an actual shrimp. Details are what puts asses in the seats and this what looks to be pencil drawing of a shrimp with a chunky white outer layer is just not cutting it.

I don’t think I realized I was in a snarky as hell mood until I started writing these worst dressed captions. Maybe if I didn’t get tricked into watching this informational awards show I’d be kinder to the fashion choices of Hollywood. Probz not though. For example, Margot looks great in this dress but she decided to get bangs and I feel as though she needs to be punished for that choice. Not only are bangs always a terrible decision, but doing this weird pull my hair back but let it also wisp into the breeze further accentuated the hard bang. You’re in timeout, Margot.

It’s important for me to note that not one but TWO gentlemen dressed like actual f*cking bumblebees. It’s important because I was personally victimized by a carpenter bee this week in my own home and NOW THIS?! This feels like an attack and I will not stand for it. I was forced to sleep on my couch hiding from this fuzzy monster as it took over my bedroom and then just when I thought I was safe after three days of not hearing his aggressive lawnmower buzzing, he dared to reappear casually to remind me that this is his apartment now. I trapped him under a glass and HE IS STILL NOT DEAD, Y’ALL. This bee has been pacing the circle of the glass for DAYS now as if he’s simply doing time for his actions. I’ve basically become a sociopath bee murderer slowly torturing this mf’er to death all because I was terrified to swat at his crunchy body. And although I’m sure there’s some meaning behind this duo of black and yellow tuxes, the real meaning is that I will forever be haunted by this bee who lives underneath my desk now.

Spraypainting your crocs gold does not make them couture, QUESTLOVE. Also your outfit looks like something Rosie O’Donnell would wear circa 1998 when she had her own talk show. Boom. Roasted.

Had no clue Regina was kicking off the show (or that there was no host) until a camera dramatically followed her on a very long walk into the venue and up onto the stage. Her strut was a 10/10, this dress is like a 5/10. The jewels look tacky and those sleeves…WOOF.

Color of the dress is great, WAY too much fabric and that.HAIR. WHAT IS HAPPENING IN HOLLYWOOD?! Are these actresses showing up in character and I just missed the memo? Like on what planet is that hairstyle attractive?!

A glitter turtleneck. That is all.

This feels a little trashy for the Oscars. This is more a VMA’s dress.

Girl looks like an evil Disney witch with these textures and sleeves. All that’s missing is the Maleficent headdress.

Why the hell is she wearing almost a full length dress with pants underneath? This is LA so I would assume it’s probably 75 degrees there. Is this an old people thing? Do their shins get chilly? (PS I’m MAD that I finally cut the cord on the Oscars with an hour left last night because I couldn’t possibly bear one more minute and THAT’S WHEN Glenn Close decides to twerk that pants-covered ass and curse up a storm. WHYYYYYYYY.)

Another Disney villain situation and oh my lanta, is that a HEART in her hands?! Creepmaster 101.

Rapey shades + a 70’s belted flight suit + THUMBS UP pose = puke in my hands.

Again if I’m not in love with the cutouts of the coral dress, I’m not down with this lingerie lewk. Showgirl City, Population: Andra.

Sorry for the tiny pic but the full sizer was a side view and I wanted everyone to see the full drama that is a bandeau top and skirt. Too much drama, if you ask me.

BEST

LAURA YOU BLACK SWAN QUEEN, YOU!

Both look great but I’m really digging her shiny dress with the red lip.

This entire outfit screams I have a library in my home and I really like it a LOT.

What a babe soda power couple. Even better, Riz fixed his lady’s hair for her on the red carpet so she’d look flawless for the paps without a hair out of place. What a keeper.

This begins the hot red portion of the evening and everyone who went red absolutely crushed it. Also, not for nothing but her cleavage looks like it’s painted on.

Reese usually plays it pretty safe with a strapless black or royal blue gown so she’s really spicin things up here with this red ombre. HOT TAMALE!

The sleeves are preeetttty ridiculous but they somehow work with the sleek shape of the rest of the dress.

Ooh baby those cutouts are sexxxxxy. Loving the details and the shape of this gown.

What a magical, whimsical forest fairy! Bonus points for her referencing an acceptance speech she wrote when she was younger and thanking her supportive husband Zack Morris. Brits are so casj cool and funny. I want to be her friend.

Other than bumblebee dumb and dumber, not a whole lot of dashing man fash on the red carpet so when I saw this hot pink jazz I got VERY excited. And the sparkle on top of that?! I basically had to fan myself.

These two look hot as hell together and they’re each serving a whole look.

Gun to my head I could never come up with a name for this individual but she DID get the red memo and I appreciate the shit out of it.

Close call – this was almost my pick for best look of the night. I can never hide my boner for princess gowns.

Credit where credit is due for this man scarf POPPIN’ that golden accent.

I’ve definitely waxed poetic before about how much I respect a hoodie as a fashion statement because I was repressed as a child from wearing my hood up around the house. But ON TOP of that we’ve got an electric blue jumpsuit that is BO$$.

Could definitely do without the tummy peekaboo but very into the dramatics of the dark lip with a pastel gown. If you added a hood to this look I’d be foaming at the mouth.

I’m living for the color coordination here. As someone who changes her scrunchie to match her loungewear perfectly every day, I love that shes’s maroon from head to toe. A true maroutfit.

BEST LOOK OF THE NIGHT:

She IS an Oscar and I gasped when I saw this puffy skirt that could most definitely be hiding another person underneath it. What a flawless statement.

Red Carpet

Oscars Red Carpet 2020

I’m never ready for this moment. The last major awards show of the season and a return to the Sunday scaries every single week. What a harsh dose of reality. Anyway, we had a WHOLE lotta white gowns this year, which is ironic considering the biggest critique of the Oscars is that they’re racist as hell and only nominate whites. Seems like the opposite of the point outrage culture and the rest of Hollywood would be trying to make but who am I to judge. HAHA I can never type that sentence with a straight face. I judge the hardest. So did Hollywood when the Oscars gave Eminem his moment to shine 18 years after winning his Oscar for Lose Yourself and skipping the ceremony because he didn’t think he would win. Em brought the house DOWN with MOM’S SPAGHETTI and Hollywood is just too cool to appreciate it. WUT3v3R. It was the highlight of the world’s longest and most boring awards show ever and I’m not afraid to say it. Check out my Twitter if you want to see my unfiltered minute by minute commentary since I had no one to blab my thoughts out loud to after my mom fell asleep within the first 20 minutes and then woke up and declared the show was boring. To be fair, she wasn’t wrong, but she WAS unconscious for most of it.

WORST

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America got confused and thought the Oscars were actually a Grecian themed baby shower.

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Find her body among this mess of fabric. I dare you.

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On the complete opposite end of the spectrum, no need to find her body because she’s basically wearing an open robe. Bonus points for having corpse face.

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Nope. Nopey nope nope.

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Are these vents on her biceps? Never know when you might need a cool breeze to hit your ‘ceps because you’re wearing velvet on the west coast and your entire body is probably sweating.

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Not a fan. I don’t have anything extreme or dramatic to say (first time for everything) but I just wasn’t into the black flowers on a sparkly gown.

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Y’all know my thoughts on my gurl Billie. Wouldn’t it be the ultimate bad gurl move to just show up in a kickass dress instead of jammies for once? Just a thought.

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The jewels on this B look tacky as hell to me.

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Laura did us dirty with the nipple tassels.

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Ah, a rust colored sparkle blanket! How chic!

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You know when you wash a sports bra that has pads in it and without fail, every time, you forget that the pads are in there and you have to fish them out of the washer after the cycle is over? Just me? K. The top of this dress looks like they glued those pads to a dress.

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Honestly did America tell Salma the theme too? Like what’s with the ancient Greek vibes?

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Every single thing that Renee has worn this szn has been 90’s trends I hate reincarnated. Sorry bout it.

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BLECH this is wooftastic. A lace harness over a lace bra, with sleeves and what’s the bottom? Tulle? Feathers? How does fashion exist. Like this was literally just a bunch of scrap materials sewn together and you cannot convince me otherwise.

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I LOOOOOOOVE teal. Love the hell out of it. But my hate for tiered gowns far outweighs my boner for the color teal.

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BOOOOOOOOOOOOO to this belt of ruffles. Give me more lilac!

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My mom compared this to a kitchen sink scrubber, I tossed out internal organ, now that I’m looking at it again I think we could also say Under the Sea for 100, Alex.

pla-coral-reef-bioplastics

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Love the top, everything falls apart on the bottom half. Just chunks of fabric.

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This is a tacky prom dress. This is something I would’ve tried on at Deb when I was 14 and my mom dropped my friends and I off at the mall so that we could walk around, try things on and eat free samples at Gertrude Hawk. Ah, the simple days. Realistically nothing has changed except that I can drive myself to the mall now and do all of those things because I still can’t afford to buy anything.

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In other news of sleeves that serve no purpose. I like the lip, I like the hair, I originally had her in my best dressed but if I was really being honest with myself I was tossing her a pity best dressed because she didn’t wow me this year with her looks and I was really settling with this one. I was thinking to myself, well she doesn’t look as bad here as I felt she did at the other red carpets this season but really that wasn’t enough for me. The bolo tie smack in the middle of a gown and the phantom sleeves were irritating me JUST enough that I had to put her on the worst dressed. These are the tough decisions I need to make sometimes. It’s not easy being a judgmental B who blogs for free.

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I only included this picture so I could also refer everyone to my fiery tweet about the Pittster:

Brad Pitt essentially has a mullet and I'd like for everyone to stop gasping over him like he's the hottest man on this earth when really he looks like Joe Dirt in a tux. #oscarsredcarpet

— Julia Giantomasi (@TheSaltyJu) February 10, 2020

The E red carpet crew collectively creamed their gowns/tuxes over Brad Pitt and HONESTLY WHY.

BEST

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KOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOBE.

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Love the color and the flattering style here.

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BARBIE DREAMZ.

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I’m a known h8er of one strappin it but everything else about this dress is Flawle$$ and therefore my one strap hate can simmer down.

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So many Hollywood lads go classic black tux for the Oscars and it’s just so boring. Tony is wearing the shit out of this navy blue.

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Tale as old as time, I put this on the worst dressed list originally and after staring at it long enough I just flipped the switch (flipped the switch switch–that joke will only hit with the youth tik-tok’ers.) and decided I DON’T HATE IT. She’s really serving that red lip and bob and it made me fall in love with the whole ‘fit.

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KCav going for a real Cinderella story here. *~*Don’t let the fear of ~~striking~~ out keep you from playing the game*~* A quote that once graced my AIM profile, also from the Hilary Duff classic, A CINDERELLA STORY.

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I’m living for the coordination here. Also my aforementioned boner for all things teal.

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This is FIERCE.

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Holy bananas I love yellow so much. Also great style, also great jewels. Top notch look.

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Geena is 64 years old and she is OWNING the red carpet in this gown. Hot damn.

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Another internal conflict here, this dress is beautiful and Sandra looks amahzing and YET those are a pair of sleeves RIGHT THURR. Those are puffy sleeves that cannot be ignored even for a second. *God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change*

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Rebel threw me for a loop with this old Hollywood Glam and I love it a lot.

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My mom and I disagreed on this one, she didn’t like the necklace or the color of the dress and I had to promptly remind her that I wore the same color to prom and she pretended it was pretty then. Unfortunately I chose the bubble hem, which should’ve been illegal.

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(You’re right Mom, it was a lighter shade of green.) Either way, I stand by the army green life.

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THIS WOMAN IS A FOX AND SHE LOOKS HOT AS HELL FOREVER ON RED CARPETS. I expect nothing less from my namesake. I wonder if people constantly call her Julie in emails as well.

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In a sea of neutrals on the red carpet, I’m living for this pop of color party frock.

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I get that out of these two, James is the famous one, but his wife is really who I’m stanning here. That dress is perfect.

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This is like a Harry Potter witchy vibe and that’s mostly because she’s basically wearing a cloak. Fun fact: the cloak is embroidered with all of the female directors that were snubbed because that was the main storyline this year. Not only do the Oscars hate blacks but also women too.

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A moment of silence for LDC who wears the same damn thing every year but he can because he never ages and is a monumental babe soda. Also because I feel like Janae forcing him to sing on the spot by shoving a mic in his face during the opening sequence was a huge injustice and I’m sure he has the voice of an angel if he’s had the time to warm up his vocals.

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Oh my lord if she had just rocked some mermaid waves this would’ve won look of the night because it is stunning. But alas, she went for straight outta the shower slick. Womp, wompp.

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Really respect an actor wearing his basketball warmups to the Oscars with some fancy boots. What an F U to the Academy.

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There’s nothing that I can logically critique here because she really played it safe. After winning a best look of the night at the Globes with a neon number for me, it’s a huge step down but in no way does she look bad. Classic Oscars feel.

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BOMBSHELL.

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These two never ever miss.

BEST LOOK OF THE NIGHT:

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Even though her opening performance and very forced audience participation directly followed by her laying on the floor next to the crowd she forced to sing along gave me every uncomfy ever in the world, THIS OUTFIT IS STRAIGHT FIRE. When I was a teenager and moody and emo and dramatic, I used to wear my hood around the house 24/7 and finally my parents were like hey we hate you and your 13 year old dramatic ass is bringing the mood down in this house and making us want to disown you so they set the “no hoods in the house rule”, which basically ruined my life but CAN YOU IMAGINE IF I HAD A SPARKLY GOWN WITH A HOOD ON IT?! I WOULD NEVER TAKE THAT SHIT OFF. My parents WOULD NEVER ban a glitzy boss hood like this. The red lip is the cherry on top of an outfit that I need and would wear forever and never let my parents buzzkill.

JUice

Weekly JUice

Week of 2/25/19

1. JoBros Are Back.

No more purity rings for these bros, they’re all spoken for and they do sex now. And what a way to show us all that they do! I mean that scene with Sophie licking her lips at Joe suspended naked from the ceiling? Hot damn! And they’re the only couple that isn’t married! Spicy. I get that they were trying to go for a Taylor Swift in a bath tub full of diamonds or standing on a horse in her yard levels of asshole richness for this video, but I gotta be honest, this doesn’t really seem that far-fetched. I mean they literally just spent a month in India throwing the most lavish wedding celebration ever. I bet they filmed this there too. At like Pri’s family house or something. Also important to note: this video was an open invitation to the gun show, hosted by none other than Nick. Rich or not, Nick would like everyone to know he’s having a steamy affair with lifting weights with the amount he’s been going sleeveless lately. I’m surprised he didn’t pop the top errr fancy patterned trench coat for this formal painted portrait at the end. Cement those swole ‘ceps into history. Anyway, now that I feel like I’ve adequately ripped this vid to shreds, let’s talk about how I don’t hate the song at all and I’ll be turning up to it this weekend. When I have an extra glass of wine before popping in the ole Redbox. THE JONAS BROTHERS ARE IN TOOWNNNNNN. It’s LIT.

2. 90210, Also Back?

I’d like to say that I got the tip off on this news as my sister sent me the official Fox press release. We’ve got connections. 90210 will be returning with the original cast for what I gathered is going to be a reality/meta experience. Brandon, Kelly, Steve, Donna, David & Andrea will return to a 6 episode event playing themselves basically. Apparently it’ll be inspired by their real lives and relationships and I’m just not sure I can do it. First of all, it’s been 19 years since the OG ended. Name one human who looks the same as they did 19 years ago. Age is a sneaky bitch and she hasn’t been kind to all of these cast members. Not going to name names but you know who you are. Secondly, they did a reboot of 90210 with a younger generation that included Kelly in it and Donna popped in for a few epis and I watched it for any breadcrumb of the old characters they might drop and I was NOT pleased to find out that Donna and David weren’t together anymore. What fresh hell is that? If you do a reboot you keep your core couples together and I won’t hear anything otherwise. Lastly, this may be redundant on my point about age but Luke Perry AKA Dylan just suffered a stroke IRL. Hope he’s ok (T’s and P’s) but also that means Kelly and Dylan will never be together and Luke probably won’t be popping onto the show for some guest appearances. Am I shipping TV couples from the 90’s a little too hard? Probably. Am I still going to watch this show? Obviously. See you this summer.

3. Lady Gaga Fooled Us.

Everyone had their panties in a knot after Gaga & Brad’s Oscars Shallow performance, myself included. They eye boned the shit out of each other then snuggled up at the end for what looked like it was going to be a full tongue kiss, but they decided to leave that for the paying customers. 99% of the tweets I was reading were about poor Irina, sitting front row for this cuck-fest, probably planning for joint custody of their child and mentally dividing their assets. Btw, if we’re taking a stance here, I’m firmly #TeamIrina. Don’t break up a family. Gagz. But alas, there’s no need to worry because Gaga went on Kimmel and was like LOL Fooled y’all! Have you uneducated losers ever heard of ACTING?! They were playing their characters and that seems PRETTY obvious. That wasn’t fresh off a broken engagement Gaga and currently taken with a baby Bradley, that was Ally and Jackson, who are very much in love, doing the duet of a lifetime. And us drooling over their looks and touches just gave them the highest compliment we could’ve. Best acting job of the year. Although, if they were playing their characters why wasn’t Bradley completely trashed? Also, spoiler alert–alive? Hmmmmmm…… Either way, still was the best thing about the Oscars and deserves to be watched over and over again.

4. Taylor is V. Active on Insta

View this post on Instagram

She just read all the theories 🙀

A post shared by Taylor Swift (@taylorswift) on Feb 27, 2019 at 9:20am PST

Many rabid T.Swift fans are predicting a new music drop tomorrow based on what they believe to be sneaky clues via her Insta. Since Taylor has been calculated every single time she posts, this would not be remotely surprising if it were to be true. (Please say it’s true.) Her last three posts are associated with a countdown of sorts. The first one has palm trees signifying how many albums she’s had–separation for pop and country albums. In her video for Look What You Made Me Do, she’s in the background of all her video characters at the end in a palm tree shirt.

View this post on Instagram

🌴🌴🌴🌴🌴🌴🌴

A post shared by Taylor Swift (@taylorswift) on Feb 24, 2019 at 11:17am PST

Then she’s sitting on the 6th stair and then there’s five holes in the fence. Honestly the people who sniff this shit out should be full time detectives. Proud of them. I’m just like oh, Taylor’s posting ambiguous shit, wonder what she’s up to. They’re like measuring the circumference of the fence hole and relating it back to a lyric she wrote in 2009.

View this post on Instagram

💗

A post shared by Taylor Swift (@taylorswift) on Feb 24, 2019 at 8:21pm PST

View this post on Instagram

💛

A post shared by Taylor Swift (@taylorswift) on Feb 25, 2019 at 3:23pm PST

On the official Taylor Swift calendar, there’s a giant flower on March 2nd. She’s about to be on a magazine cover and she rarely does press unless she’s promoting something.

View this post on Instagram

♥️ ME by @quentin_jones ♥️ Thank you @elleuk!

A post shared by Taylor Swift (@taylorswift) on Feb 27, 2019 at 4:17pm PST

The list goes on and on. So if the new music happens tomorrow I can say I told you so, otherwise we’ll all just carry on with our lives and let the Swifties continue to dissect everything that she does and entertain me with their crazy theories. Also if this is true, that’s some genius marketing shit right there.

5. TR Play Us Out

I could do my last item about Jordyn Woods going on Jada Pinkett Smith’s FB live show today to say that the only thing she did wrong was go to Tristan Thompson’s house for a party, but he’s the one who no tongue kissed her goodbye. Or the fact that Khloe Kardashian IMMEDIATELY tweeted in response that she’s a dirty liar and is the reason her family is now shattered. OR I could just post Thomas Rhett’s new song and let it play you into the weekend because it’s a beat. Either one works.

Red Carpet

Oscars Red Carpet 2019

Here it is. The night I dread every year because it means I no longer have a legitimate reason to drink several glasses of wine on a Sunday night and pretend fashion critic is my actual career. The night I always expect to be blown away because it’s “Hollywood’s Biggest Night” and yet every year I’m disappointed and bored to tears. Obviously this year was no different. Every stylist slobbered all over the color pink and pretty much ruined it for everyone ever again (Except for Julia Roberts who skipped the red carpet but looked like a pink babe soda while presenting best picture.) Also I stick to my guns and refuse to crown a best look of the night because I remain McKayla Maroney levels of unimpressed.

mckayla

WORST

91st Annual Academy Awards - Arrivals

If we’re being real here, I gasped when I saw Amy take the stage. She looked like an unwell ghost and this tuxedo wasn’t helping her case at all.

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Just plop a giant bow on the shoulder of my Barbie pink dress. It’ll be supes classy.

91st Annual Academy Awards, Arrivals, Los Angeles, USA - 24 Feb 2019

He looks like a gay clergyman, which is a real oxymoron.

91st Annual Academy Awards - Arrivals

OMYGAW. I brushed hair out of my eye just looking at all the feathers poking her retina. And it gets 1000x worse as your eyes travel south, much like this bird outfit should’ve.

91st Annual Academy Awards - Arrivals

I laughed out loud when I saw this because I was convinced it was a #TBT picture from the 2001 Oscars. Or maybe, 2001 school dance even.

91st Annual Academy Awards - Arrivals

You know I can never get down with erect shoulders.

91st Annual Academy Awards - Arrivals

I had a shorter version of this as a sundress 9 years ago when cinching on dresses/babydoll style was kewl.

91st Annual Academy Awards - Arrivals

OMG was there a discount on pink obnoxious fabric at Joann’s this week? Must’ve missed it in my coupon email.

91st Annual Academy Awards, Arrivals, Los Angeles, USA - 24 Feb 2019

This week’s edition of is she actually wearing a dress? Not really sure because all I see is skin tone. Only way you can tell she is? I don’t see nips.

91st Annual Academy Awards - Arrivals

Alright, that’s enough. Like really. No more.

91st Annual Academy Awards - Arrivals

Is he robbing a bank or attending the Oscars?

91st Annual Academy Awards - Arrivals

SHAPELESS GRANNY, CLAP CLAP CLAPCLAPCLAP

91st Annual Academy Awards - Arrivals

Your weekly reminder that cutouts make even the skinniest of minis look fat.

91st Annual Academy Awards - Arrivals

GR8 Camo Shorts Suit, Pharell!

rami-lucy

I got a little girl crush on Lucy after seeing Bohemian Rhapsody and honestly expected more from her. Not a huge fan of her purple puffy sleeves. And Rami isn’t wowing me either.

91st Annual Academy Awards, Arrivals, Los Angeles, USA - 24 Feb 2019

If I see one more hideous pink dress I’m going to rip my eyeballs clean out of my skull. AND SARAH PAULSON WILL BE RESPONSIBLE FOR BEING THE LAST STRAW.

91st Annual Academy Awards - Arrivals

This is a fashion designer. That we all wore polos from in the 90’s/00’s. We trusted his taste in clothing. That’s all.

BEST

91st Annual Academy Awards - Arrivals

VavaVoom Amy! SPICING IT UP, FINALLY!

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I’m a sucker for a little sass in the back and Bradley looks like a classic babe as always.

91st Annual Academy Awards, Arrivals, Los Angeles, USA - 24 Feb 2019

Sparkly and sexy without being skaaaaaanky. Well done, Brie.

US-OSCARS-ARRIVALS

I ❤ the color of this dress but the hair is a hard pass for me.

91st Annual Academy Awards, Arrivals, Los Angeles, USA - 24 Feb 2019

Back to back moments with this robin’s egg blue for me.

91st Annual Academy Awards - Arrivals

I support anyone who wants to live out their Belle fantasy on the red carpet.

91st Annual Academy Awards - Arrivals

Flattering and fun!

91st Annual Academy Awards - Arrivals

The Isadora diamond in How to Lose A Guy in 10 Days is what made me want a canary diamond engagement ring and I’m still not over it. My 13 year old taste in diamonds has not wavered, which is why I’m blown away by this Tiffany necklace. I WANT IT. The dress fabric hips are real weird but honestly that necklace sold the look for me and finishes out Gaga’s classy run this awards season.

91st Annual Academy Awards, Arrivals, Los Angeles, USA - 24 Feb 2019

Dug the headband and the fun bottom of this dress.

91st Annual Academy Awards - Arrivals

Even though the dress looked red on TV and I thought Helen had lost her marbles saying her and Jason Momoa matched, I see now that she doesn’t need to be put in a home and also looks great.

91st Annual Academy Awards, Arrivals, Los Angeles, USA - 24 Feb 2019

A beautiful disco ball.

91st Annual Academy Awards - Arrivals

Love a good puffy ball gown!

91st Annual Academy Awards - Arrivals

Matching lip and lace! And yes, she’s pregnant. Don’t feel like an asshole, I also questioned if she was at this angle.

91st Annual Academy Awards, Arrivals, Los Angeles, USA - 24 Feb 2019

I feel like I usually see Laura Dern in the same exact long sleeve gown every red carpet so I ‘preciate this twist and she pulls it off!

91st Annual Academy Awards - Arrivals

Every girl collectively swoons at MB Jordz bringing his mom as his date. She’s on my best dressed as a courtesy and because I thought it would be rude to crop her out (Earn your spot, Mama Jordan, no handouts going forward.) Michael looks like a stunner as always.

91st Annual Academy Awards - Arrivals

Jason is 100% easily my favorite pink look of the night. Right down to his matching scrunchie. Get itttttttttt. (Again, drama with cropping out what clearly doesn’t belong on the best dressed….Lisa it’s obvious you should see yourself out.)

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Honestly I miss Paul Rudd. Where’s he been?

91st Annual Academy Awards - Arrivals

Was this the only white dress of the night? It’s basically a sheet cinched at the hip and yet Regina looks sexy.

91st Annual Academy Awards, Arrivals, Los Angeles, USA - 24 Feb 2019

My way of including the guys who stand out from a regular ole black tux.

91st Annual Academy Awards - Arrivals

A vision in blue.

91st Annual Academy Awards, Arrivals, Los Angeles, USA - 24 Feb 2019

91st Annual Academy Awards - Arrivals

Honestly I don’t have a best dressed of the night because I wasn’t blown away by anyone and I’m not gonna bullshit for the final night of awards season. Do better next year ya buhholes. So in closing, here’s not one but TWO photos of a celebrity flashing the peace sign on the red carpet of the biggest awards show of the year like he’s a dad posing in front of the Eiffel Tower and not nominated for Best Actor (lookin at you Viggo.) It made me laugh. A lot. (Also peep Ed Begley Jr’s kicks for an extra laugh. WHAT ARE THOOOOOOOOSE?)

Red Carpet

Oscars 2018 Red Carpet

The final awards show this season and one last chance for me to get my shots in about the people who starred in the top movies I never saw this past year. JK I saw Ladybird and I, Tonya, so I pretty much crushed it. Fun plot twist this year, apparently if you went to the Olympics and everyone loved you, you also got an invite to the Oscars. Hm, ok. Don’t hate it because I’m an Olympics superfan but still a little weird. Also I’m not sure if all the ladies were on the same page for “wear a color for your cause” because it seemed as though there was a toss up between pink, white and red for which color makes the TIME’S UP statement. Anyway, here we GO!

WORST

90th Academy Awards - Arrivals, Los Angeles, USA - 04 Mar 2018

Excuse me ma’am did you get lost and stumble onto the red carpet? What’s the security like out there?

90th Annual Academy Awards - Arrivals

I’m all about the gold and I would love this dress if it didn’t have the girl scout sash of beads across her shoulder.

90th Annual Academy Awards - Arrivals

I’m not even kidding I thought this was a costume for an SNL sketch because 90% of the time Maya looks like she’s smirking and there’s no way that this can be taken seriously.

90th Annual Academy Awards - Arrivals

Thanks for showing up with astro turf on your bod.

90th Annual Academy Awards - Arrivals

From what I hear (spoiler alert) this is the actress who played a mute woman who had sex with a swamp creature and this dress isn’t doing anything to distract me from that.

90th Annual Academy Awards - Arrivals

These flowers are annoying me. I realize how petty I’m being but GUESS WHAT ITS MY RED CARPET AND I DO WHAT I WANT.

90th Annual Academy Awards - Arrivals

This take might ruffle some feathers because everyone is drooling all over this dress but what the hell is with the GIANT BOW dangling off her basically non-existent waist?

90th Annual Academy Awards - Arrivals

I love a good mint but the top half of this is too house on the prairie.

90th Annual Academy Awards, Arrivals, Los Angeles, USA - 04 Mar 2018

This is not what I was expecting. Is the Oscars really the place to debut a pink sparkly number with giant hoops? Just wondering.

90th Annual Academy Awards - Arrivals

Ok, that is enough.

90th Annual Academy Awards - Arrivals

Looking over her sunglasses (definitely transition lenses) at the camera like this is such a bold red carpet pose I don’t even know what to do with it. Doesn’t change the fact that she’s wearing a bedspread.

90th Annual Academy Awards - Arrivals

I’ve been a real flip flopper on this. Originally I was like ok she’s quirky and yellow is different but then I always circle back to you’re making history as the first female director nominated in like 30 years and you chose to wear a banana colored prom dress on the big night.

90th Annual Academy Awards - Arrivals

Armie, you’re probably the hottest guy at the Oscars (no Leo this year 😦 or Harry Styles…) and you chose to dress like a waiter. I do not accept this.

90th Annual Academy Awards - Arrivals

I love me some Adam Rippon and his sass on sass on sass at the Olympics was everything I never knew I needed but this outfit unfortunately is not.

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This is a lot happening all at once.

90th Annual Academy Awards - Arrivals

WHEN WILL VELVET GO AWAY THOUGH?! Jordan looks dece.

90th Academy Awards - Arrivals, Los Angeles, USA - 04 Mar 2018

Apparently this old bird wore this dress to the Oscars when they first started or something and repurposed it for this year’s red carpet.

90th Annual Academy Awards - Arrivals

This is a cotton candy snooze.

90th Annual Academy Awards - Arrivals

SELMA. WHAT ARE YOU DOING. IS THIS VELVET OR SHIMMERS OR ALL OF THE ABOVE? BARF CITY.

BEST

90th Annual Academy Awards - Arrivals

Full disclosure at first I hated this but now it’s growing on me and also male fashion was slim pickins’ this year.

90th Annual Academy Awards - Arrivals

Gal basically adorned herself in diamonds & sparkles and this is how you should dress for the Oscars.

90th Annual Academy Awards - Arrivals

I feel like we haven’t seen Sandy in forever and I’ve missed her so much. I would’ve rather watched her and Nicole Kidman shoot the shit about Practical Magic and drinking tequila for 3 hours than the actual awards.

90th Annual Academy Awards - Arrivals

Zendaya usually dresses like a real asshole so I approve of this wholeheartedly.

90th Annual Academy Awards - Arrivals

Pretty sure this is Margot Robbie’s go-to look this awards season but it obviously works so whatever.

90th Annual Academy Awards - Arrivals

DA-YUMN, GRL.

90th Annual Academy Awards - Arrivals

Obviously not the best Emma’s ever looked but her hair looks fresh AF and she’s rockin the sexy biz suit deal.

90th Annual Academy Awards - Arrivals

Since Meryl has declared herself queen of all, I’m assuming red was the official time’s up color for this show.

90th Annual Academy Awards - Arrivals

They’re so cute and ever since I saw The Big Sick I’m all about these two lovebirds.

90th Annual Academy Awards - Arrivals

Honestly I wouldn’t dare put Taraji on the worst dressed. Did you see her curbstomp Ryan Seacrest?

90th Annual Academy Awards - Arrivals

Camila kind of looks dead behind the eyes and Matthew does nothing but creep me out ever since Magic Mike but props to the coordination of her jewels and his bowtie.

90th Annual Academy Awards - Arrivals

Look at this little heartthrob nugget. Brought his mom as his date and wears a white tux, panty soaker 101.

90th Academy Awards - Arrivals, Los Angeles, USA - 04 Mar 2018

I shit on Giuliana a lot so here’s me being nice. She looks fab.

90th Academy Awards - Arrivals, Los Angeles, USA - 04 Mar 2018

I’m putting my prejudices aside as I’ve been re-watching One Tree Hill and Maria as Jules is one of the worst characters on this planet but she looks like a babe soda.

90th Annual Academy Awards - Arrivals

Ya’ll know I dig a good princess ball gown.

90th Annual Academy Awards - Arrivals

Classsssic.

90th Annual Academy Awards - Arrivals

Still can’t believe this is Jonah Hill’s sis.

90th Annual Academy Awards - Arrivals

The one Olympian who got it right for the red carpet. Good thing Tonya Harding wasn’t invited…

90th Annual Academy Awards - Arrivals

This stomps all over Meryl Streep’s red gown, respectfully of course.

90th Annual Academy Awards - Arrivals 90th Annual Academy Awards, Arrivals, Los Angeles, USA - 04 Mar 2018

I’ll group these two together since that’s what the red carpet did all night. They showed up as dates to talk about feminist legislation and stuff. Both look gr8. I’m really digging on the flower gown.

90th Annual Academy Awards - Arrivals

This is tough because Laura is on point here but you KNOW how I hate a rogue sleeve. So unnecessary.

90th Annual Academy Awards - Arrivals

Only MJB can make Jimmy Neutron hair look this classy.

90th Annual Academy Awards - Arrivals

Now this is a boss outfit.

FAVORITE LOOK OF THE NIGHT:

90th Annual Academy Awards - Arrivals

I’m obsessed with everything going on here. The dress. The color. Her windblown model hair. The fact that she hasn’t aged a day ever. DO IT UP JEN.

Red Carpet

Oscars 2017 Red Carpet

Awards season is over and if we’re being real it kinda sucked this year. No one’s outfit made me uncontrollably drool because it was so amahzing and on the flip, no one’s was so offensively bad that I wanted to burn my TV just from looking at it. And realistically you know I’m all about extremes. Dramatic reactions or bust. Anyway, the Oscars took a sharp nosedive roughly 6 minutes into the show when JT handed that mic over to Jimmy Kimmel and everyone knows it. Here’s what people wore to this snoozeroni.

WORST

89th Annual Academy Awards, Arrivals, Los Angeles, USA - 26 Feb 2017

This weird panel down the middle of her top isn’t doing it for me.

89th Annual Academy Awards, Arrivals, Los Angeles, USA - 26 Feb 2017

Sweet butterflies, you get that dress at Aeropastale?

89th Annual Academy Awards - Arrivals

I don’t know if he does this on purpose but like does he ever take a break from being Lucious Lyon?

89th Annual Academy Awards, Arrivals, Los Angeles, USA - 26 Feb 2017

This is so bad that I’m almost wondering if someone tried to F with Dakota and told her the Oscars were doing an ancient time period theme.

89th Annual Academy Awards, Arrivals, Los Angeles, USA - 26 Feb 2017

If we’re being honest I discriminate against velvet because the texture isn’t my favorite. But also this polka dot thing is weird.

89th Annual Academy Awards, Arrivals, Los Angeles, USA - 26 Feb 2017

That belt is from Hot Topic.

89th Annual Academy Awards, Arrivals, Los Angeles, USA - 26 Feb 2017

I’m so confused by this afro wig situation. The top left looks like they finished putting this on her head and were like eh needs a little more fake hair and just plopped some on top. It’s a rogue fro and I can’t stop looking at it in horror.

89th Annual Academy Awards, Arrivals, Los Angeles, USA - 26 Feb 2017

Yeah, ok.

89th Annual Academy Awards, Arrivals, Los Angeles, USA - 26 Feb 2017

I probably wouldn’t have hated this so much had I not seen the baby nub ponytail that Charlize is rocking in the back when she presented onstage. Threw off the whole vibe.

89th Annual Academy Awards - Red Carpet

Weird satin pants/skirt combo deal. Plus word on the street is she was paid to wear this and that’s some bullshit.

89th Annual Academy Awards, Arrivals, Los Angeles, USA - 26 Feb 2017

Nothing like a good front ruffle. Naht.

BEST

89th Annual Academy Awards - Arrivals

Chad Radwell can get it.

89th Annual Academy Awards, Arrivals, Los Angeles, USA - 26 Feb 2017

There’s nothing Michael Strahan can’t do. Swagger on swagger.

89th Annual Academy Awards - Arrivals

PRINCESS DRESS.

89th Annual Academy Awards, Arrivals, Los Angeles, USA - 26 Feb 2017

Hair color is pretty woofie but I’m down with this dress.

89th Annual Academy Awards, Arrivals, Los Angeles, USA - 26 Feb 2017

Very close second to being my favorite look of the night.

89th Annual Academy Awards, Arrivals, Los Angeles, USA - 26 Feb 2017

Leslie Mann is crushing this color.

89th Annual Academy Awards - Arrivals

You can pretty much never go wrong with a black dress and red lip.

89th Annual Academy Awards - Arrivals

Even though Taraji’s roll-on Bath and Body Works body glitter was v distracting while she was presenting, she looks hawt here.

89th Annual Academy Awards, Arrivals, Los Angeles, USA - 26 Feb 2017

Michelle literally looks like she’s in pain. Just ignore that and admire the dress.

89th Annual Academy Awards - Arrivals

Check that pocket square though.

89th Annual Academy Awards - Arrivals

This is a momentous occasion. Nicole Kidman looks ACTUALLY GOOD and made my best dressed!! Congrats to you, grl. What an honor.

89th Annual Academy Awards, Arrivals, Los Angeles, USA - 26 Feb 2017

Emma Stone is flawle$$.

matt-damon

I DON’T SEE JIMMY KIMMEL ON THIS BEST DRESSED LIST.

89th Annual Academy Awards, Arrivals, Los Angeles, USA - 26 Feb 2017

These ruffles are stupid but I would NEVER put RyRy on the worst dressed.

89th Annual Academy Awards, Arrivals, Los Angeles, USA - 26 Feb 2017

I can dig the geometric neckline.

89th Annual Academy Awards, Arrivals, Los Angeles, USA - 26 Feb 2017

I put this on here so my boyfriend wouldn’t get mad at me because he has a crush on The Rock.

89th Annual Academy Awards - Arrivals

Blue suit of the night.

US-OSCARS-ARRIVALS

This is nice. I seriously don’t even have anything to say about dresses anymore. It’s Monday morning and I’m sitting next to a live construction zone aggressively using power tools and no I am not ok. My brain hurts.

89th Annual Academy Awards - Arrivals

SUMMER.

BEST COUPLE/LOOK:

89th Annual Academy Awards - Arrivals

Hot Damn your boy looks good here. And he banged the opener so hard. Because he is perfect.

89th Annual Academy Awards, Arrivals, Los Angeles, USA - 26 Feb 2017

Special shoutout to Jess because I actually really liked this look and I always shit on her because she stole my man. Also couple goals that she grooved with him in the aisle. Timberlakes 4 life.

Movies, Television

Oscars 2016 Recap

chrisrock

WHOA. If you were looking for an uplifting three and half, yes THREE AND A HALF hours on a Sunday night, you probably shouldn’t have tuned into the Oscars. Hollywood is RACIST, college campuses are RAMPANT with sexual assault and the earth is MELTING…but here are a bunch of awards for movies you probably didn’t see! YAY! Here’s a VERY cliff notes version of what you may have missed–other than a lot of scolding about how terrible we are as a human race.

-Chris Rock’s monologue was funny and succeeded in making white people feel like garbage can racists. Really could’ve used a little Michael Scott in there to ease the tension in the room.

-In efforts to speed up the longest, most boring awards show ever, the Oscars introduced the “Thank You” ticker to run onscreen as winners walked up to the stage. They hoped that by getting all the names out of the way, stars would give cool speeches that everyone can turn into powerful quote gifs, except that didn’t even a little bit happen. The show ran over by 35 minutes, everyone repeated all the names they already shouted out AIM profile style in the ticker and the speeches were DUDS.

-Stacey Dash gave everyone the uncomfies. Literally. We could see it on their faces.

Screen Shot 2016-02-29 at 9.48.39 AM

-Jared Leto suggested that I google “Merkin”, so I did. And I regretted it. #PubeWig

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-Mad Max looks scary as hell and also it won 5 awards b2b. Costume designers continue to dress like they’re going out to grab a burger. In 1995.

jennybeavan

-This guy killin the creepy smile/wave game and it’s essentially a mirror image of me when an attractive male looks my way.

-Hollywood loves Samoas just as much as they love pizza.

Screen Shot 2016-02-29 at 9.45.45 AM Screen Shot 2016-02-29 at 9.47.33 AM

-Another new addition to the awards, pop up video style facts every time someone took the stage. In theory it was informative–in reality, it became very clear which actors have never sniffed at an Oscar. Sofia Vergara’s fun fact was that she once starred in a movie with an Oscar-winner. So that’s really embarrassing.

Screen Shot 2016-02-29 at 9.48.26 AM

-Fake Suge Knight got more camera-time than J.Law. LoL to this blonde for grabbing her 15 seconds of fame though.

Screen Shot 2016-02-29 at 9.48.02 AM

-Sam Smith declared he was the first openly gay man to win an Oscar in his speech…whoops, not so fast, Sammy!

Screen Shot 2016-02-29 at 9.28.34 AM

-In probably the best bit of the night, Chris Rock trolls moviegoers in Compton. My favorite part is when Chris promises these are real movie titles and the girl replies, “Like in London and stuff?” Click here to watch.

-Jacob Tremblay finishes awards season strong as the cutest little nugget.

jacobstarwars

Chris was gr8 in Madagascar.

-LEO WINS HIS OSCAR!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! What a BOSS.

Screen Shot 2016-02-29 at 9.44.11 AM

Red Carpet

Oscars Red Carpet 2016

Awards season is OOOOOVERRRRRR. And not a minute too soon, honestly because I feel like this year’s showing has been rough city. Since I know you’re all wondering, I wore custom extra baggy sweatpants with “Cuse” written on the left leg in zebra print (REPRESENT) paired with a men’s thermal long sleeve shirt (no bra, obviously) and Saturday night’s hair–tousled to perfection (slept in.) Let’s see how the stars compared…

WORST:

88th Annual Academy Awards - Arrivals

What fresh hell is this?

Mandatory Credit: Photo by David Fisher/REX/Shutterstock (5599371an) Olivia Wilde 88th Annual Academy Awards, Arrivals, Los Angeles, America – 28 Feb 2016

At first I only saw the back and had high hopes for the front…but womp wompp the front is long pasties essentially.

88th Annual Academy Awards - Arrivals

I’d be so down with this dress if it was strapless and the weird pocket swoops didn’t happen.

88th Annual Academy Awards, Arrivals, Los Angeles, America - 28 Feb 2016

Oh Jared, you cut the ombre pony and then wear this? It’s all wrong.

88th Annual Academy Awards - Arrivals

Emily normally kills it but I’m not in love with this color or style on her.

88th Annual Academy Awards, Arrivals, Los Angeles, America - 28 Feb 2016

Not her best.

88th Annual Academy Awards, Arrivals, Los Angeles, America - 28 Feb 2016

Not to be confused with Oprah…a woman with a chest tat and a diamond spider on her hand.

88th Annual Academy Awards - Arrivals

MEH.

88th Annual Academy Awards, Arrivals, Los Angeles, America - 28 Feb 2016

This is an Easter egg bridesmaid gown ‘splosion.

88th Annual Academy Awards - Arrivals

The diamond cutout, the curtains material, the 90’s platforms–all make for worst dressed.

88th Annual Academy Awards, Arrivals, Los Angeles, America - 28 Feb 2016

This looks like something Goldie Hawn would wear in First Wives Club. (I don’t even know where that came from…don’t question it.)

BEST:

88th Annual Academy Awards, Arrivals, Los Angeles, America - 28 Feb 2016

To be honest I didn’t fall over backward for this look, as I’ve been known to do with anything Rachel wears. That sideboob though, scandal.

88th Annual Academy Awards, Arrivals, Los Angeles, America - 28 Feb 2016

Jennifer is elegant AF.

HOLLYWOOD, CA – FEBRUARY 28: Actress Kate Winslet attends the 88th Annual Academy Awards at Hollywood & Highland Center on February 28, 2016 in Hollywood, California. (Photo by Jason Merritt/Getty Images)

KATE & LEO! Giving the people what they want, walking the red carpet as Jack and Rose, if Jack didn’t die in freezing cold waters. Credit where credit is due, Kate tried something completely different here and looks like a sexbomb. Leo brings it out in her, prob.

88th Annual Academy Awards - Arrivals

These two are always looking fresh and adding a baby bump to the mix didn’t change a thing.

88th Annual Academy Awards, Arrivals, Los Angeles, America - 28 Feb 2016

Julianne puts a twist on the classic black gown.

88th Annual Academy Awards, Arrivals, Los Angeles, America - 28 Feb 2016

Love the matching necklace

88th Annual Academy Awards - Arrivals

Our two purple beauties B2B, Reese looks like she doesn’t age ever.

jlaw

Normally hate ruffles but you can’t deny JLaw looks like a hot piece here.

88th Annual Academy Awards, Arrivals, Los Angeles, America - 28 Feb 2016

Lady Gaga in a classy white jumpsuit, minimal jewels and makeup! Go, gurl.

88th Annual Academy Awards - Arrivals

Was this the only red of the night? That’s one way to stand out. The other is to have a slit down to your belly button.

88th Annual Academy Awards - Arrivals

Sarah looks probably the best I’ve ever seen her look.

88th Annual Academy Awards - Arrivals

Seacrest looking sharp as ever in a grey jacket.

88th Annual Academy Awards - Arrivals

This is easily my favorite man look of the night. Michael looks fresh 2 death.

88th Annual Academy Awards, Arrivals, Los Angeles, America - 28 Feb 2016

I love this color on her, wish the bottom hem wasn’t bubbled like that.

88th Annual Academy Awards, Arrivals, Los Angeles, America - 28 Feb 2016

Normally don’t go for the all-over sparkles but she looks gr8.

88th Annual Academy Awards - Arrivals

Damn I wish she wore her hair down because she has perfect hair always in Quantico but this dress is the stuff.

88th Annual Academy Awards, Arrivals, Los Angeles, America - 28 Feb 2016

Eddie Redmayne doesn’t have a stylist and him and the wifey consistently look like fashionistas on the red carpet.

88th Annual Academy Awards - Arrivals

Fun fact: Liev picked out this dress for Naomi and even though there’s a lot going on there I think she crushes it.

88th Annual Academy Awards, Arrivals, Los Angeles, America - 28 Feb 2016

I did a double take because I don’t think I’ve ever seen Sacha lookin this good. Isla looks fab even though it looks like she’s wearing an ocean-themed shower curtain.

88th Annual Academy Awards, Arrivals, Los Angeles, America - 28 Feb 2016

Brie looking like a dime and also forcing Ryan Seacrest to mop up his drool as he interviews her and yaps about how everything she says is SO AWESOME.

FAVE LOOK OF THE NIGHT:

88th Annual Academy Awards, Arrivals, Los Angeles, America - 28 Feb 2016

I just really love this color. Plus she looks like a stunner.

The Salty Ju

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