Red Carpet

Oscars 2021 Red Carpet

I gotta be honest we better be winding down on this rescheduled awards season because I’m running out of free trials I can sign up for just to watch them. And if I’m being REALLY honest, I wasted a free trial on this one. I had high hopes. I know, you’re probably saying, LEARN YOUR LESSON ALREADY, JULIA. ALL AWARDS SHOWS STINK. And normally you’re right. But we all know I could never skip out on an event that involves celebrities and the potential for gossip. PLUS, they were really amping up the “no zoom” aspect of this one. I’m so thirsty for a live awards show without a wall full of screens and awkward delays that I actually got excited for the Oscars. I’m here to report it was the LARGEST of disappointments. I’m not sure if Hollywood Libs just weren’t comfortable attending in person (I mean, we all know they’ve been vaccinated and get tested 24/7 anyway by their on-staff doctors) or if they just want to make it LOOK like they’re not comfy but basically no one showed up to this thing. We have about 4 big names, no host, and the thing played like we were watching a livestream of a work conference for actors.

It was D-R-Y as shiiiiiiiittttt. On top of the fact that they were really trying to create a “storyteller” vibe to the evening giving each nominee a 20 minute backstory, they also STOPPED REGULATING ACCEPTANCE SPEECHES. Do you know what happens when you don’t have a musical cue to tell people in show biz to STFU? They don’t STFU. They just keep talking. For-EV-er. So anyway, joke’s on me for signing up for FuboTV for one night of a 4 hour TedTalk on the art of movies. I’ll save you that torture and try to keep the red carpet short and sweet. There’s a handful of nobodies in here simply because I either loved their outfit or hated it. That’s how I decided to include someone in my fashion critique when I have no clue who they are. The ladies were having a RED HAWT night and that pretty much sums up the outfits for the worst Oscars ever.



This may seem contradictory to my style because I’ve been known to slap on a pair of kicks for any occasion but also IT’S THE OSCARS. Walking the red carpet like you just stepped off the farm is pushing it a little too far. I’m not saying you need to be a Glam-azon but an effort wouldn’t hurt here.


This lady with the lizard-under-attack neck is also carrying a SHRIMP clutch. And honestly I might’ve considered tossing her on the best dressed just for that accessory if it looked like an actual shrimp. Details are what puts asses in the seats and this what looks to be pencil drawing of a shrimp with a chunky white outer layer is just not cutting it.


I don’t think I realized I was in a snarky as hell mood until I started writing these worst dressed captions. Maybe if I didn’t get tricked into watching this informational awards show I’d be kinder to the fashion choices of Hollywood. Probz not though. For example, Margot looks great in this dress but she decided to get bangs and I feel as though she needs to be punished for that choice. Not only are bangs always a terrible decision, but doing this weird pull my hair back but let it also wisp into the breeze further accentuated the hard bang. You’re in timeout, Margot.



It’s important for me to note that not one but TWO gentlemen dressed like actual f*cking bumblebees. It’s important because I was personally victimized by a carpenter bee this week in my own home and NOW THIS?! This feels like an attack and I will not stand for it. I was forced to sleep on my couch hiding from this fuzzy monster as it took over my bedroom and then just when I thought I was safe after three days of not hearing his aggressive lawnmower buzzing, he dared to reappear casually to remind me that this is his apartment now. I trapped him under a glass and HE IS STILL NOT DEAD, Y’ALL. This bee has been pacing the circle of the glass for DAYS now as if he’s simply doing time for his actions. I’ve basically become a sociopath bee murderer slowly torturing this mf’er to death all because I was terrified to swat at his crunchy body. And although I’m sure there’s some meaning behind this duo of black and yellow tuxes, the real meaning is that I will forever be haunted by this bee who lives underneath my desk now.


Spraypainting your crocs gold does not make them couture, QUESTLOVE. Also your outfit looks like something Rosie O’Donnell would wear circa 1998 when she had her own talk show. Boom. Roasted.

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Had no clue Regina was kicking off the show (or that there was no host) until a camera dramatically followed her on a very long walk into the venue and up onto the stage. Her strut was a 10/10, this dress is like a 5/10. The jewels look tacky and those sleeves…WOOF.

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Color of the dress is great, WAY too much fabric and that.HAIR. WHAT IS HAPPENING IN HOLLYWOOD?! Are these actresses showing up in character and I just missed the memo? Like on what planet is that hairstyle attractive?!

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A glitter turtleneck. That is all.

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This feels a little trashy for the Oscars. This is more a VMA’s dress.

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Girl looks like an evil Disney witch with these textures and sleeves. All that’s missing is the Maleficent headdress.

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Why the hell is she wearing almost a full length dress with pants underneath? This is LA so I would assume it’s probably 75 degrees there. Is this an old people thing? Do their shins get chilly? (PS I’m MAD that I finally cut the cord on the Oscars with an hour left last night because I couldn’t possibly bear one more minute and THAT’S WHEN Glenn Close decides to twerk that pants-covered ass and curse up a storm. WHYYYYYYYY.)

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Another Disney villain situation and oh my lanta, is that a HEART in her hands?! Creepmaster 101.

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Rapey shades + a 70’s belted flight suit + THUMBS UP pose = puke in my hands.

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Again if I’m not in love with the cutouts of the coral dress, I’m not down with this lingerie lewk. Showgirl City,  Population: Andra.


Sorry for the tiny pic but the full sizer was a side view and I wanted everyone to see the full drama that is a bandeau top and skirt. Too much drama, if you ask me.





Both look great but I’m really digging her shiny dress with the red lip.

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This entire outfit screams I have a library in my home and I really like it a LOT. 

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What a babe soda power couple. Even better, Riz fixed his lady’s hair for her on the red carpet so she’d look flawless for the paps without a hair out of place. What a keeper.

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This begins the hot red portion of the evening and everyone who went red absolutely crushed it. Also, not for nothing but her cleavage looks like it’s painted on.

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Reese usually plays it pretty safe with a strapless black or royal blue gown so she’s really spicin things up here with this red ombre. HOT TAMALE!

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The sleeves are preeetttty ridiculous but they somehow work with the sleek shape of the rest of the dress.

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Ooh baby those cutouts are sexxxxxy. Loving the details and the shape of this gown.

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What a magical, whimsical forest fairy! Bonus points for her referencing an acceptance speech she wrote when she was younger and thanking her supportive husband Zack Morris. Brits are so casj cool and funny. I want to be her friend.

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Other than bumblebee dumb and dumber, not a whole lot of dashing man fash on the red carpet so when I saw this hot pink jazz I got VERY excited. And the sparkle on top of that?! I basically had to fan myself.

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These two look hot as hell together and they’re each serving a whole look. 

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Gun to my head I could never come up with a name for this individual but she DID get the red memo and I appreciate the shit out of it.

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Close call – this was almost my pick for best look of the night. I can never hide my boner for princess gowns.

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Credit where credit is due for this man scarf POPPIN’ that golden accent.

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I’ve definitely waxed poetic before about how much I respect a hoodie as a fashion statement because I was repressed as a child from wearing my hood up around the house. But ON TOP of that we’ve got an electric blue jumpsuit that is BO$$.

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Could definitely do without the tummy peekaboo but very into the dramatics of the dark lip with a pastel gown. If you added a hood to this look I’d be foaming at the mouth.

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I’m living for the color coordination here. As someone who changes her scrunchie to match her loungewear perfectly every day, I love that shes’s maroon from head to toe. A true maroutfit.


She IS an Oscar and I gasped when I saw this puffy skirt that could most definitely be hiding another person underneath it. What a flawless statement.

Red Carpet

Oscars Red Carpet 2020

I’m never ready for this moment. The last major awards show of the season and a return to the Sunday scaries every single week. What a harsh dose of reality. Anyway, we had a WHOLE lotta white gowns this year, which is ironic considering the biggest critique of the Oscars is that they’re racist as hell and only nominate whites. Seems like the opposite of the point outrage culture and the rest of Hollywood would be trying to make but who am I to judge. HAHA I can never type that sentence with a straight face. I judge the hardest. So did Hollywood when the Oscars gave Eminem his moment to shine 18 years after winning his Oscar for Lose Yourself and skipping the ceremony because he didn’t think he would win. Em brought the house DOWN with MOM’S SPAGHETTI and Hollywood is just too cool to appreciate it. WUT3v3R. It was the highlight of the world’s longest and most boring awards show ever and I’m not afraid to say it. Check out my Twitter if you want to see my unfiltered minute by minute commentary since I had no one to blab my thoughts out loud to after my mom fell asleep within the first 20 minutes and then woke up and declared the show was boring. To be fair, she wasn’t wrong, but she WAS unconscious for most of it.


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America got confused and thought the Oscars were actually a Grecian themed baby shower.

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Find her body among this mess of fabric. I dare you.

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On the complete opposite end of the spectrum, no need to find her body because she’s basically wearing an open robe. Bonus points for having corpse face.

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Nope. Nopey nope nope.

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Are these vents on her biceps? Never know when you might need a cool breeze to hit your ‘ceps because you’re wearing velvet on the west coast and your entire body is probably sweating.

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Not a fan. I don’t have anything extreme or dramatic to say (first time for everything) but I just wasn’t into the black flowers on a sparkly gown.

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Y’all know my thoughts on my gurl Billie. Wouldn’t it be the ultimate bad gurl move to just show up in a kickass dress instead of jammies for once? Just a thought.

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The jewels on this B look tacky as hell to me.

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Laura did us dirty with the nipple tassels.

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Ah, a rust colored sparkle blanket! How chic!

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You know when you wash a sports bra that has pads in it and without fail, every time, you forget that the pads are in there and you have to fish them out of the washer after the cycle is over? Just me? K. The top of this dress looks like they glued those pads to a dress.

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Honestly did America tell Salma the theme too? Like what’s with the ancient Greek vibes?

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Every single thing that Renee has worn this szn has been 90’s trends I hate reincarnated. Sorry bout it.

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BLECH this is wooftastic. A lace harness over a lace bra, with sleeves and what’s the bottom? Tulle? Feathers? How does fashion exist. Like this was literally just a bunch of scrap materials sewn together and you cannot convince me otherwise.

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I LOOOOOOOVE teal. Love the hell out of it. But my hate for tiered gowns far outweighs my boner for the color teal.

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BOOOOOOOOOOOOO to this belt of ruffles. Give me more lilac!

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My mom compared this to a kitchen sink scrubber, I tossed out internal organ, now that I’m looking at it again I think we could also say Under the Sea for 100, Alex.


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Love the top, everything falls apart on the bottom half. Just chunks of fabric.

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This is a tacky prom dress. This is something I would’ve tried on at Deb when I was 14 and my mom dropped my friends and I off at the mall so that we could walk around, try things on and eat free samples at Gertrude Hawk. Ah, the simple days. Realistically nothing has changed except that I can drive myself to the mall now and do all of those things because I still can’t afford to buy anything.

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In other news of sleeves that serve no purpose. I like the lip, I like the hair, I originally had her in my best dressed but if I was really being honest with myself I was tossing her a pity best dressed because she didn’t wow me this year with her looks and I was really settling with this one. I was thinking to myself, well she doesn’t look as bad here as I felt she did at the other red carpets this season but really that wasn’t enough for me. The bolo tie smack in the middle of a gown and the phantom sleeves were irritating me JUST enough that I had to put her on the worst dressed. These are the tough decisions I need to make sometimes. It’s not easy being a judgmental B who blogs for free.

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I only included this picture so I could also refer everyone to my fiery tweet about the Pittster:

The E red carpet crew collectively creamed their gowns/tuxes over Brad Pitt and HONESTLY WHY.


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Love the color and the flattering style here.

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I’m a known h8er of one strappin it but everything else about this dress is Flawle$$ and therefore my one strap hate can simmer down.

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So many Hollywood lads go classic black tux for the Oscars and it’s just so boring. Tony is wearing the shit out of this navy blue.

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Tale as old as time, I put this on the worst dressed list originally and after staring at it long enough I just flipped the switch (flipped the switch switch–that joke will only hit with the youth tik-tok’ers.) and decided I DON’T HATE IT. She’s really serving that red lip and bob and it made me fall in love with the whole ‘fit.

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KCav going for a real Cinderella story here. *~*Don’t let the fear of striking out keep you from playing the game*~* A quote that once graced my AIM profile, also from the Hilary Duff classic, A CINDERELLA STORY.

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I’m living for the coordination here. Also my aforementioned boner for all things teal.

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This is FIERCE.

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Holy bananas I love yellow so much. Also great style, also great jewels. Top notch look.

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Geena is 64 years old and she is OWNING the red carpet in this gown. Hot damn.

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Another internal conflict here, this dress is beautiful and Sandra looks amahzing and YET those are a pair of sleeves RIGHT THURR. Those are puffy sleeves that cannot be ignored even for a second. *God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change*

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Rebel threw me for a loop with this old Hollywood Glam and I love it a lot.

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My mom and I disagreed on this one, she didn’t like the necklace or the color of the dress and I had to promptly remind her that I wore the same color to prom and she pretended it was pretty then. Unfortunately I chose the bubble hem, which should’ve been illegal.

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(You’re right Mom, it was a lighter shade of green.) Either way, I stand by the army green life.

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THIS WOMAN IS A FOX AND SHE LOOKS HOT AS HELL FOREVER ON RED CARPETS. I expect nothing less from my namesake. I wonder if people constantly call her Julie in emails as well.

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In a sea of neutrals on the red carpet, I’m living for this pop of color party frock.

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I get that out of these two, James is the famous one, but his wife is really who I’m stanning here. That dress is perfect.

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This is like a Harry Potter witchy vibe and that’s mostly because she’s basically wearing a cloak. Fun fact: the cloak is embroidered with all of the female directors that were snubbed because that was the main storyline this year. Not only do the Oscars hate blacks but also women too.

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A moment of silence for LDC who wears the same damn thing every year but he can because he never ages and is a monumental babe soda. Also because I feel like Janae forcing him to sing on the spot by shoving a mic in his face during the opening sequence was a huge injustice and I’m sure he has the voice of an angel if he’s had the time to warm up his vocals.

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Oh my lord if she had just rocked some mermaid waves this would’ve won look of the night because it is stunning. But alas, she went for straight outta the shower slick. Womp, wompp.

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Really respect an actor wearing his basketball warmups to the Oscars with some fancy boots. What an F U to the Academy.

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There’s nothing that I can logically critique here because she really played it safe. After winning a best look of the night at the Globes with a neon number for me, it’s a huge step down but in no way does she look bad. Classic Oscars feel.

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These two never ever miss.


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Even though her opening performance and very forced audience participation directly followed by her laying on the floor next to the crowd she forced to sing along gave me every uncomfy ever in the world, THIS OUTFIT IS STRAIGHT FIRE. When I was a teenager and moody and emo and dramatic, I used to wear my hood around the house 24/7 and finally my parents were like hey we hate you and your 13 year old dramatic ass is bringing the mood down in this house and making us want to disown you so they set the “no hoods in the house rule”, which basically ruined my life but CAN YOU IMAGINE IF I HAD A SPARKLY GOWN WITH A HOOD ON IT?! I WOULD NEVER TAKE THAT SHIT OFF. My parents WOULD NEVER ban a glitzy boss hood like this. The red lip is the cherry on top of an outfit that I need and would wear forever and never let my parents buzzkill.


Weekly JUice

Week of 2/25/19

1. JoBros Are Back.

No more purity rings for these bros, they’re all spoken for and they do sex now. And what a way to show us all that they do! I mean that scene with Sophie licking her lips at Joe suspended naked from the ceiling? Hot damn! And they’re the only couple that isn’t married! Spicy. I get that they were trying to go for a Taylor Swift in a bath tub full of diamonds or standing on a horse in her yard levels of asshole richness for this video, but I gotta be honest, this doesn’t really seem that far-fetched. I mean they literally just spent a month in India throwing the most lavish wedding celebration ever. I bet they filmed this there too. At like Pri’s family house or something. Also important to note: this video was an open invitation to the gun show, hosted by none other than Nick. Rich or not, Nick would like everyone to know he’s having a steamy affair with lifting weights with the amount he’s been going sleeveless lately. I’m surprised he didn’t pop the top errr fancy patterned trench coat for this formal painted portrait at the end. Cement those swole ‘ceps into history. Anyway, now that I feel like I’ve adequately ripped this vid to shreds, let’s talk about how I don’t hate the song at all and I’ll be turning up to it this weekend. When I have an extra glass of wine before popping in the ole Redbox. THE JONAS BROTHERS ARE IN TOOWNNNNNN. It’s LIT.

2. 90210, Also Back?


I’d like to say that I got the tip off on this news as my sister sent me the official Fox press release. We’ve got connections. 90210 will be returning with the original cast for what I gathered is going to be a reality/meta experience. Brandon, Kelly, Steve, Donna, David & Andrea will return to a 6 episode event playing themselves basically. Apparently it’ll be inspired by their real lives and relationships and I’m just not sure I can do it. First of all, it’s been 19 years since the OG ended. Name one human who looks the same as they did 19 years ago. Age is a sneaky bitch and she hasn’t been kind to all of these cast members. Not going to name names but you know who you are. Secondly, they did a reboot of 90210 with a younger generation that included Kelly in it and Donna popped in for a few epis and I watched it for any breadcrumb of the old characters they might drop and I was NOT pleased to find out that Donna and David weren’t together anymore. What fresh hell is that? If you do a reboot you keep your core couples together and I won’t hear anything otherwise. Lastly, this may be redundant on my point about age but Luke Perry AKA Dylan just suffered a stroke IRL. Hope he’s ok (T’s and P’s) but also that means Kelly and Dylan will never be together and Luke probably won’t be popping onto the show for some guest appearances. Am I shipping TV couples from the 90’s a little too hard? Probably. Am I still going to watch this show? Obviously. See you this summer.

3. Lady Gaga Fooled Us.

Everyone had their panties in a knot after Gaga & Brad’s Oscars Shallow performance, myself included. They eye boned the shit out of each other then snuggled up at the end for what looked like it was going to be a full tongue kiss, but they decided to leave that for the paying customers. 99% of the tweets I was reading were about poor Irina, sitting front row for this cuck-fest, probably planning for joint custody of their child and mentally dividing their assets. Btw, if we’re taking a stance here, I’m firmly #TeamIrina. Don’t break up a family. Gagz. But alas, there’s no need to worry because Gaga went on Kimmel and was like LOL Fooled y’all! Have you uneducated losers ever heard of ACTING?! They were playing their characters and that seems PRETTY obvious. That wasn’t fresh off a broken engagement Gaga and currently taken with a baby Bradley, that was Ally and Jackson, who are very much in love, doing the duet of a lifetime. And us drooling over their looks and touches just gave them the highest compliment we could’ve. Best acting job of the year. Although, if they were playing their characters why wasn’t Bradley completely trashed? Also, spoiler alert–alive? Hmmmmmm…… Either way, still was the best thing about the Oscars and deserves to be watched over and over again.


4. Taylor is V. Active on Insta

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She just read all the theories 🙀

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Many rabid T.Swift fans are predicting a new music drop tomorrow based on what they believe to be sneaky clues via her Insta. Since Taylor has been calculated every single time she posts, this would not be remotely surprising if it were to be true. (Please say it’s true.) Her last three posts are associated with a countdown of sorts. The first one has palm trees signifying how many albums she’s had–separation for pop and country albums. In her video for Look What You Made Me Do, she’s in the background of all her video characters at the end in a palm tree shirt.

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Then she’s sitting on the 6th stair and then there’s five holes in the fence. Honestly the people who sniff this shit out should be full time detectives. Proud of them. I’m just like oh, Taylor’s posting ambiguous shit, wonder what she’s up to. They’re like measuring the circumference of the fence hole and relating it back to a lyric she wrote in 2009.

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A post shared by Taylor Swift (@taylorswift) on

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A post shared by Taylor Swift (@taylorswift) on

On the official Taylor Swift calendar, there’s a giant flower on March 2nd. She’s about to be on a magazine cover and she rarely does press unless she’s promoting something.

The list goes on and on. So if the new music happens tomorrow I can say I told you so, otherwise we’ll all just carry on with our lives and let the Swifties continue to dissect everything that she does and entertain me with their crazy theories. Also if this is true, that’s some genius marketing shit right there.

5. TR Play Us Out

I could do my last item about Jordyn Woods going on Jada Pinkett Smith’s FB live show today to say that the only thing she did wrong was go to Tristan Thompson’s house for a party, but he’s the one who no tongue kissed her goodbye. Or the fact that Khloe Kardashian IMMEDIATELY tweeted in response that she’s a dirty liar and is the reason her family is now shattered. OR I could just post Thomas Rhett’s new song and let it play you into the weekend because it’s a beat. Either one works.

Red Carpet

Oscars Red Carpet 2019

Here it is. The night I dread every year because it means I no longer have a legitimate reason to drink several glasses of wine on a Sunday night and pretend fashion critic is my actual career. The night I always expect to be blown away because it’s “Hollywood’s Biggest Night” and yet every year I’m disappointed and bored to tears. Obviously this year was no different. Every stylist slobbered all over the color pink and pretty much ruined it for everyone ever again (Except for Julia Roberts who skipped the red carpet but looked like a pink babe soda while presenting best picture.) Also I stick to my guns and refuse to crown a best look of the night because I remain McKayla Maroney levels of unimpressed.



91st Annual Academy Awards - Arrivals

If we’re being real here, I gasped when I saw Amy take the stage. She looked like an unwell ghost and this tuxedo wasn’t helping her case at all.

91st Annual Academy Awards - Arrivals

Just plop a giant bow on the shoulder of my Barbie pink dress. It’ll be supes classy.

91st Annual Academy Awards, Arrivals, Los Angeles, USA - 24 Feb 2019

He looks like a gay clergyman, which is a real oxymoron.

91st Annual Academy Awards - Arrivals

OMYGAW. I brushed hair out of my eye just looking at all the feathers poking her retina. And it gets 1000x worse as your eyes travel south, much like this bird outfit should’ve.

91st Annual Academy Awards - Arrivals

I laughed out loud when I saw this because I was convinced it was a #TBT picture from the 2001 Oscars. Or maybe, 2001 school dance even.

91st Annual Academy Awards - Arrivals

You know I can never get down with erect shoulders.

91st Annual Academy Awards - Arrivals

I had a shorter version of this as a sundress 9 years ago when cinching on dresses/babydoll style was kewl.

91st Annual Academy Awards - Arrivals

OMG was there a discount on pink obnoxious fabric at Joann’s this week? Must’ve missed it in my coupon email.

91st Annual Academy Awards, Arrivals, Los Angeles, USA - 24 Feb 2019

This week’s edition of is she actually wearing a dress? Not really sure because all I see is skin tone. Only way you can tell she is? I don’t see nips.

91st Annual Academy Awards - Arrivals

Alright, that’s enough. Like really. No more.

91st Annual Academy Awards - Arrivals

Is he robbing a bank or attending the Oscars?

91st Annual Academy Awards - Arrivals


91st Annual Academy Awards - Arrivals

Your weekly reminder that cutouts make even the skinniest of minis look fat.

91st Annual Academy Awards - Arrivals

GR8 Camo Shorts Suit, Pharell!


I got a little girl crush on Lucy after seeing Bohemian Rhapsody and honestly expected more from her. Not a huge fan of her purple puffy sleeves. And Rami isn’t wowing me either.

91st Annual Academy Awards, Arrivals, Los Angeles, USA - 24 Feb 2019

If I see one more hideous pink dress I’m going to rip my eyeballs clean out of my skull. AND SARAH PAULSON WILL BE RESPONSIBLE FOR BEING THE LAST STRAW.

91st Annual Academy Awards - Arrivals

This is a fashion designer. That we all wore polos from in the 90’s/00’s. We trusted his taste in clothing. That’s all.



91st Annual Academy Awards - Arrivals


91st Annual Academy Awards - Arrivals

I’m a sucker for a little sass in the back and Bradley looks like a classic babe as always.

91st Annual Academy Awards, Arrivals, Los Angeles, USA - 24 Feb 2019

Sparkly and sexy without being skaaaaaanky. Well done, Brie.


I ❤ the color of this dress but the hair is a hard pass for me.

91st Annual Academy Awards, Arrivals, Los Angeles, USA - 24 Feb 2019

Back to back moments with this robin’s egg blue for me.

91st Annual Academy Awards - Arrivals

I support anyone who wants to live out their Belle fantasy on the red carpet.

91st Annual Academy Awards - Arrivals

Flattering and fun!

91st Annual Academy Awards - Arrivals

The Isadora diamond in How to Lose A Guy in 10 Days is what made me want a canary diamond engagement ring and I’m still not over it. My 13 year old taste in diamonds has not wavered, which is why I’m blown away by this Tiffany necklace. I WANT IT. The dress fabric hips are real weird but honestly that necklace sold the look for me and finishes out Gaga’s classy run this awards season.

91st Annual Academy Awards, Arrivals, Los Angeles, USA - 24 Feb 2019

Dug the headband and the fun bottom of this dress.

91st Annual Academy Awards - Arrivals

Even though the dress looked red on TV and I thought Helen had lost her marbles saying her and Jason Momoa matched, I see now that she doesn’t need to be put in a home and also looks great.

91st Annual Academy Awards, Arrivals, Los Angeles, USA - 24 Feb 2019

A beautiful disco ball.

91st Annual Academy Awards - Arrivals

Love a good puffy ball gown!

91st Annual Academy Awards - Arrivals

Matching lip and lace! And yes, she’s pregnant. Don’t feel like an asshole, I also questioned if she was at this angle.

91st Annual Academy Awards, Arrivals, Los Angeles, USA - 24 Feb 2019

I feel like I usually see Laura Dern in the same exact long sleeve gown every red carpet so I ‘preciate this twist and she pulls it off!

91st Annual Academy Awards - Arrivals

Every girl collectively swoons at MB Jordz bringing his mom as his date. She’s on my best dressed as a courtesy and because I thought it would be rude to crop her out (Earn your spot, Mama Jordan, no handouts going forward.) Michael looks like a stunner as always.

91st Annual Academy Awards - Arrivals

Jason is 100% easily my favorite pink look of the night. Right down to his matching scrunchie. Get itttttttttt. (Again, drama with cropping out what clearly doesn’t belong on the best dressed….Lisa it’s obvious you should see yourself out.)

91st Annual Academy Awards - Arrivals

Honestly I miss Paul Rudd. Where’s he been?

91st Annual Academy Awards - Arrivals

Was this the only white dress of the night? It’s basically a sheet cinched at the hip and yet Regina looks sexy.

91st Annual Academy Awards, Arrivals, Los Angeles, USA - 24 Feb 2019

My way of including the guys who stand out from a regular ole black tux.

91st Annual Academy Awards - Arrivals

A vision in blue.

91st Annual Academy Awards, Arrivals, Los Angeles, USA - 24 Feb 2019

91st Annual Academy Awards - Arrivals

Honestly I don’t have a best dressed of the night because I wasn’t blown away by anyone and I’m not gonna bullshit for the final night of awards season. Do better next year ya buhholes. So in closing, here’s not one but TWO photos of a celebrity flashing the peace sign on the red carpet of the biggest awards show of the year like he’s a dad posing in front of the Eiffel Tower and not nominated for Best Actor (lookin at you Viggo.) It made me laugh. A lot. (Also peep Ed Begley Jr’s kicks for an extra laugh. WHAT ARE THOOOOOOOOSE?)

Red Carpet

Oscars 2018 Red Carpet

The final awards show this season and one last chance for me to get my shots in about the people who starred in the top movies I never saw this past year. JK I saw Ladybird and I, Tonya, so I pretty much crushed it. Fun plot twist this year, apparently if you went to the Olympics and everyone loved you, you also got an invite to the Oscars. Hm, ok. Don’t hate it because I’m an Olympics superfan but still a little weird. Also I’m not sure if all the ladies were on the same page for “wear a color for your cause” because it seemed as though there was a toss up between pink, white and red for which color makes the TIME’S UP statement. Anyway, here we GO!


90th Academy Awards - Arrivals, Los Angeles, USA - 04 Mar 2018

Excuse me ma’am did you get lost and stumble onto the red carpet? What’s the security like out there?

90th Annual Academy Awards - Arrivals

I’m all about the gold and I would love this dress if it didn’t have the girl scout sash of beads across her shoulder.

90th Annual Academy Awards - Arrivals

I’m not even kidding I thought this was a costume for an SNL sketch because 90% of the time Maya looks like she’s smirking and there’s no way that this can be taken seriously.

90th Annual Academy Awards - Arrivals

Thanks for showing up with astro turf on your bod.

90th Annual Academy Awards - Arrivals

From what I hear (spoiler alert) this is the actress who played a mute woman who had sex with a swamp creature and this dress isn’t doing anything to distract me from that.

90th Annual Academy Awards - Arrivals

These flowers are annoying me. I realize how petty I’m being but GUESS WHAT ITS MY RED CARPET AND I DO WHAT I WANT.

90th Annual Academy Awards - Arrivals

This take might ruffle some feathers because everyone is drooling all over this dress but what the hell is with the GIANT BOW dangling off her basically non-existent waist?

90th Annual Academy Awards - Arrivals

I love a good mint but the top half of this is too house on the prairie.

90th Annual Academy Awards, Arrivals, Los Angeles, USA - 04 Mar 2018

This is not what I was expecting. Is the Oscars really the place to debut a pink sparkly number with giant hoops? Just wondering.

90th Annual Academy Awards - Arrivals

Ok, that is enough.

90th Annual Academy Awards - Arrivals

Looking over her sunglasses (definitely transition lenses) at the camera like this is such a bold red carpet pose I don’t even know what to do with it. Doesn’t change the fact that she’s wearing a bedspread.

90th Annual Academy Awards - Arrivals

I’ve been a real flip flopper on this. Originally I was like ok she’s quirky and yellow is different but then I always circle back to you’re making history as the first female director nominated in like 30 years and you chose to wear a banana colored prom dress on the big night.

90th Annual Academy Awards - Arrivals

Armie, you’re probably the hottest guy at the Oscars (no Leo this year 😦 or Harry Styles…) and you chose to dress like a waiter. I do not accept this.

90th Annual Academy Awards - Arrivals

I love me some Adam Rippon and his sass on sass on sass at the Olympics was everything I never knew I needed but this outfit unfortunately is not.

90th Annual Academy Awards - Arrivals

This is a lot happening all at once.

90th Annual Academy Awards - Arrivals


90th Academy Awards - Arrivals, Los Angeles, USA - 04 Mar 2018

Apparently this old bird wore this dress to the Oscars when they first started or something and repurposed it for this year’s red carpet.

90th Annual Academy Awards - Arrivals

This is a cotton candy snooze.

90th Annual Academy Awards - Arrivals



90th Annual Academy Awards - Arrivals

Full disclosure at first I hated this but now it’s growing on me and also male fashion was slim pickins’ this year.

90th Annual Academy Awards - Arrivals

Gal basically adorned herself in diamonds & sparkles and this is how you should dress for the Oscars.

90th Annual Academy Awards - Arrivals

I feel like we haven’t seen Sandy in forever and I’ve missed her so much. I would’ve rather watched her and Nicole Kidman shoot the shit about Practical Magic and drinking tequila for 3 hours than the actual awards.

90th Annual Academy Awards - Arrivals

Zendaya usually dresses like a real asshole so I approve of this wholeheartedly.

90th Annual Academy Awards - Arrivals

Pretty sure this is Margot Robbie’s go-to look this awards season but it obviously works so whatever.

90th Annual Academy Awards - Arrivals


90th Annual Academy Awards - Arrivals

Obviously not the best Emma’s ever looked but her hair looks fresh AF and she’s rockin the sexy biz suit deal.

90th Annual Academy Awards - Arrivals

Since Meryl has declared herself queen of all, I’m assuming red was the official time’s up color for this show.

90th Annual Academy Awards - Arrivals

They’re so cute and ever since I saw The Big Sick I’m all about these two lovebirds.

90th Annual Academy Awards - Arrivals

Honestly I wouldn’t dare put Taraji on the worst dressed. Did you see her curbstomp Ryan Seacrest?

90th Annual Academy Awards - Arrivals

Camila kind of looks dead behind the eyes and Matthew does nothing but creep me out ever since Magic Mike but props to the coordination of her jewels and his bowtie.

90th Annual Academy Awards - Arrivals

Look at this little heartthrob nugget. Brought his mom as his date and wears a white tux, panty soaker 101.

90th Academy Awards - Arrivals, Los Angeles, USA - 04 Mar 2018

I shit on Giuliana a lot so here’s me being nice. She looks fab.

90th Academy Awards - Arrivals, Los Angeles, USA - 04 Mar 2018

I’m putting my prejudices aside as I’ve been re-watching One Tree Hill and Maria as Jules is one of the worst characters on this planet but she looks like a babe soda.

90th Annual Academy Awards - Arrivals

Ya’ll know I dig a good princess ball gown.

90th Annual Academy Awards - Arrivals


90th Annual Academy Awards - Arrivals

Still can’t believe this is Jonah Hill’s sis.

90th Annual Academy Awards - Arrivals

The one Olympian who got it right for the red carpet. Good thing Tonya Harding wasn’t invited…

90th Annual Academy Awards - Arrivals

This stomps all over Meryl Streep’s red gown, respectfully of course.

90th Annual Academy Awards - Arrivals90th Annual Academy Awards, Arrivals, Los Angeles, USA - 04 Mar 2018

I’ll group these two together since that’s what the red carpet did all night. They showed up as dates to talk about feminist legislation and stuff. Both look gr8. I’m really digging on the flower gown.

90th Annual Academy Awards - Arrivals

This is tough because Laura is on point here but you KNOW how I hate a rogue sleeve. So unnecessary.

90th Annual Academy Awards - Arrivals

Only MJB can make Jimmy Neutron hair look this classy.

90th Annual Academy Awards - Arrivals

Now this is a boss outfit.


90th Annual Academy Awards - Arrivals

I’m obsessed with everything going on here. The dress. The color. Her windblown model hair. The fact that she hasn’t aged a day ever. DO IT UP JEN.

Red Carpet

Oscars 2017 Red Carpet

Awards season is over and if we’re being real it kinda sucked this year. No one’s outfit made me uncontrollably drool because it was so amahzing and on the flip, no one’s was so offensively bad that I wanted to burn my TV just from looking at it. And realistically you know I’m all about extremes. Dramatic reactions or bust. Anyway, the Oscars took a sharp nosedive roughly 6 minutes into the show when JT handed that mic over to Jimmy Kimmel and everyone knows it. Here’s what people wore to this snoozeroni.


89th Annual Academy Awards, Arrivals, Los Angeles, USA - 26 Feb 2017

This weird panel down the middle of her top isn’t doing it for me.

89th Annual Academy Awards, Arrivals, Los Angeles, USA - 26 Feb 2017

Sweet butterflies, you get that dress at Aeropastale?

89th Annual Academy Awards - Arrivals

I don’t know if he does this on purpose but like does he ever take a break from being Lucious Lyon?

89th Annual Academy Awards, Arrivals, Los Angeles, USA - 26 Feb 2017

This is so bad that I’m almost wondering if someone tried to F with Dakota and told her the Oscars were doing an ancient time period theme.

89th Annual Academy Awards, Arrivals, Los Angeles, USA - 26 Feb 2017

If we’re being honest I discriminate against velvet because the texture isn’t my favorite. But also this polka dot thing is weird.

89th Annual Academy Awards, Arrivals, Los Angeles, USA - 26 Feb 2017

That belt is from Hot Topic.

89th Annual Academy Awards, Arrivals, Los Angeles, USA - 26 Feb 2017

I’m so confused by this afro wig situation. The top left looks like they finished putting this on her head and were like eh needs a little more fake hair and just plopped some on top. It’s a rogue fro and I can’t stop looking at it in horror.

89th Annual Academy Awards, Arrivals, Los Angeles, USA - 26 Feb 2017

Yeah, ok.

89th Annual Academy Awards, Arrivals, Los Angeles, USA - 26 Feb 2017

I probably wouldn’t have hated this so much had I not seen the baby nub ponytail that Charlize is rocking in the back when she presented onstage. Threw off the whole vibe.

89th Annual Academy Awards - Red Carpet

Weird satin pants/skirt combo deal. Plus word on the street is she was paid to wear this and that’s some bullshit.

89th Annual Academy Awards, Arrivals, Los Angeles, USA - 26 Feb 2017

Nothing like a good front ruffle. Naht.


89th Annual Academy Awards - Arrivals

Chad Radwell can get it.

89th Annual Academy Awards, Arrivals, Los Angeles, USA - 26 Feb 2017

There’s nothing Michael Strahan can’t do. Swagger on swagger.

89th Annual Academy Awards - Arrivals


89th Annual Academy Awards, Arrivals, Los Angeles, USA - 26 Feb 2017

Hair color is pretty woofie but I’m down with this dress.

89th Annual Academy Awards, Arrivals, Los Angeles, USA - 26 Feb 2017

Very close second to being my favorite look of the night.

89th Annual Academy Awards, Arrivals, Los Angeles, USA - 26 Feb 2017

Leslie Mann is crushing this color.

89th Annual Academy Awards - Arrivals

You can pretty much never go wrong with a black dress and red lip.

89th Annual Academy Awards - Arrivals

Even though Taraji’s roll-on Bath and Body Works body glitter was v distracting while she was presenting, she looks hawt here.

89th Annual Academy Awards, Arrivals, Los Angeles, USA - 26 Feb 2017

Michelle literally looks like she’s in pain. Just ignore that and admire the dress.

89th Annual Academy Awards - Arrivals

Check that pocket square though.

89th Annual Academy Awards - Arrivals

This is a momentous occasion. Nicole Kidman looks ACTUALLY GOOD and made my best dressed!! Congrats to you, grl. What an honor.

89th Annual Academy Awards, Arrivals, Los Angeles, USA - 26 Feb 2017

Emma Stone is flawle$$.



89th Annual Academy Awards, Arrivals, Los Angeles, USA - 26 Feb 2017

These ruffles are stupid but I would NEVER put RyRy on the worst dressed.

89th Annual Academy Awards, Arrivals, Los Angeles, USA - 26 Feb 2017

I can dig the geometric neckline.

89th Annual Academy Awards, Arrivals, Los Angeles, USA - 26 Feb 2017

I put this on here so my boyfriend wouldn’t get mad at me because he has a crush on The Rock.

89th Annual Academy Awards - Arrivals

Blue suit of the night.


This is nice. I seriously don’t even have anything to say about dresses anymore. It’s Monday morning and I’m sitting next to a live construction zone aggressively using power tools and no I am not ok. My brain hurts.

89th Annual Academy Awards - Arrivals



89th Annual Academy Awards - Arrivals

Hot Damn your boy looks good here. And he banged the opener so hard. Because he is perfect.

89th Annual Academy Awards, Arrivals, Los Angeles, USA - 26 Feb 2017

Special shoutout to Jess because I actually really liked this look and I always shit on her because she stole my man. Also couple goals that she grooved with him in the aisle. Timberlakes 4 life.

Movies, Television

Oscars 2016 Recap


WHOA. If you were looking for an uplifting three and half, yes THREE AND A HALF hours on a Sunday night, you probably shouldn’t have tuned into the Oscars. Hollywood is RACIST, college campuses are RAMPANT with sexual assault and the earth is MELTING…but here are a bunch of awards for movies you probably didn’t see! YAY! Here’s a VERY cliff notes version of what you may have missed–other than a lot of scolding about how terrible we are as a human race.

-Chris Rock’s monologue was funny and succeeded in making white people feel like garbage can racists. Really could’ve used a little Michael Scott in there to ease the tension in the room.

-In efforts to speed up the longest, most boring awards show ever, the Oscars introduced the “Thank You” ticker to run onscreen as winners walked up to the stage. They hoped that by getting all the names out of the way, stars would give cool speeches that everyone can turn into powerful quote gifs, except that didn’t even a little bit happen. The show ran over by 35 minutes, everyone repeated all the names they already shouted out AIM profile style in the ticker and the speeches were DUDS.

-Stacey Dash gave everyone the uncomfies. Literally. We could see it on their faces.

Screen Shot 2016-02-29 at 9.48.39 AM

-Jared Leto suggested that I google “Merkin”, so I did. And I regretted it. #PubeWig

Screen Shot 2016-02-29 at 9.27.17 AM

-Mad Max looks scary as hell and also it won 5 awards b2b. Costume designers continue to dress like they’re going out to grab a burger. In 1995.


-This guy killin the creepy smile/wave game and it’s essentially a mirror image of me when an attractive male looks my way.


-Hollywood loves Samoas just as much as they love pizza.

Screen Shot 2016-02-29 at 9.45.45 AMScreen Shot 2016-02-29 at 9.47.33 AM

-Another new addition to the awards, pop up video style facts every time someone took the stage. In theory it was informative–in reality, it became very clear which actors have never sniffed at an Oscar. Sofia Vergara’s fun fact was that she once starred in a movie with an Oscar-winner. So that’s really embarrassing.

Screen Shot 2016-02-29 at 9.48.26 AM

-Fake Suge Knight got more camera-time than J.Law. LoL to this blonde for grabbing her 15 seconds of fame though.

Screen Shot 2016-02-29 at 9.48.02 AM

-Sam Smith declared he was the first openly gay man to win an Oscar in his speech…whoops, not so fast, Sammy!

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-In probably the best bit of the night, Chris Rock trolls moviegoers in Compton. My favorite part is when Chris promises these are real movie titles and the girl replies, “Like in London and stuff?” Click here to watch.

-Jacob Tremblay finishes awards season strong as the cutest little nugget.



Chris was gr8 in Madagascar.

-LEO WINS HIS OSCAR!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! What a BOSS.

Screen Shot 2016-02-29 at 9.44.11 AM



Red Carpet

Oscars Red Carpet 2016

Awards season is OOOOOVERRRRRR. And not a minute too soon, honestly because I feel like this year’s showing has been rough city. Since I know you’re all wondering, I wore custom extra baggy sweatpants with “Cuse” written on the left leg in zebra print (REPRESENT) paired with a men’s thermal long sleeve shirt (no bra, obviously) and Saturday night’s hair–tousled to perfection (slept in.) Let’s see how the stars compared…


88th Annual Academy Awards - Arrivals

What fresh hell is this?

At first I only saw the back and had high hopes for the front…but womp wompp the front is long pasties essentially.

88th Annual Academy Awards - Arrivals

I’d be so down with this dress if it was strapless and the weird pocket swoops didn’t happen.

88th Annual Academy Awards, Arrivals, Los Angeles, America - 28 Feb 2016

Oh Jared, you cut the ombre pony and then wear this? It’s all wrong.

88th Annual Academy Awards - Arrivals

Emily normally kills it but I’m not in love with this color or style on her.

88th Annual Academy Awards, Arrivals, Los Angeles, America - 28 Feb 2016

Not her best.

88th Annual Academy Awards, Arrivals, Los Angeles, America - 28 Feb 2016

Not to be confused with Oprah…a woman with a chest tat and a diamond spider on her hand.

88th Annual Academy Awards - Arrivals


88th Annual Academy Awards, Arrivals, Los Angeles, America - 28 Feb 2016

This is an Easter egg bridesmaid gown ‘splosion.

88th Annual Academy Awards - Arrivals

The diamond cutout, the curtains material, the 90’s platforms–all make for worst dressed.

88th Annual Academy Awards, Arrivals, Los Angeles, America - 28 Feb 2016

This looks like something Goldie Hawn would wear in First Wives Club. (I don’t even know where that came from…don’t question it.)


88th Annual Academy Awards, Arrivals, Los Angeles, America - 28 Feb 2016

To be honest I didn’t fall over backward for this look, as I’ve been known to do with anything Rachel wears. That sideboob though, scandal.

88th Annual Academy Awards, Arrivals, Los Angeles, America - 28 Feb 2016

Jennifer is elegant AF.

KATE & LEO! Giving the people what they want, walking the red carpet as Jack and Rose, if Jack didn’t die in freezing cold waters. Credit where credit is due, Kate tried something completely different here and looks like a sexbomb. Leo brings it out in her, prob.

88th Annual Academy Awards - Arrivals

These two are always looking fresh and adding a baby bump to the mix didn’t change a thing.

88th Annual Academy Awards, Arrivals, Los Angeles, America - 28 Feb 2016

Julianne puts a twist on the classic black gown.

88th Annual Academy Awards, Arrivals, Los Angeles, America - 28 Feb 2016

Love the matching necklace

88th Annual Academy Awards - Arrivals

Our two purple beauties B2B, Reese looks like she doesn’t age ever.


Normally hate ruffles but you can’t deny JLaw looks like a hot piece here.

88th Annual Academy Awards, Arrivals, Los Angeles, America - 28 Feb 2016

Lady Gaga in a classy white jumpsuit, minimal jewels and makeup! Go, gurl.

88th Annual Academy Awards - Arrivals

Was this the only red of the night? That’s one way to stand out. The other is to have a slit down to your belly button.

88th Annual Academy Awards - Arrivals

Sarah looks probably the best I’ve ever seen her look.

88th Annual Academy Awards - Arrivals

Seacrest looking sharp as ever in a grey jacket.

88th Annual Academy Awards - Arrivals

This is easily my favorite man look of the night. Michael looks fresh 2 death.

88th Annual Academy Awards, Arrivals, Los Angeles, America - 28 Feb 2016

I love this color on her, wish the bottom hem wasn’t bubbled like that.

88th Annual Academy Awards, Arrivals, Los Angeles, America - 28 Feb 2016

Normally don’t go for the all-over sparkles but she looks gr8.

88th Annual Academy Awards - Arrivals

Damn I wish she wore her hair down because she has perfect hair always in Quantico but this dress is the stuff.

88th Annual Academy Awards, Arrivals, Los Angeles, America - 28 Feb 2016

Eddie Redmayne doesn’t have a stylist and him and the wifey consistently look like fashionistas on the red carpet.

88th Annual Academy Awards - Arrivals

Fun fact: Liev picked out this dress for Naomi and even though there’s a lot going on there I think she crushes it.

88th Annual Academy Awards, Arrivals, Los Angeles, America - 28 Feb 2016

I did a double take because I don’t think I’ve ever seen Sacha lookin this good. Isla looks fab even though it looks like she’s wearing an ocean-themed shower curtain.

88th Annual Academy Awards, Arrivals, Los Angeles, America - 28 Feb 2016

Brie looking like a dime and also forcing Ryan Seacrest to mop up his drool as he interviews her and yaps about how everything she says is SO AWESOME.


88th Annual Academy Awards, Arrivals, Los Angeles, America - 28 Feb 2016

I just really love this color. Plus she looks like a stunner.


Weekly JUice

Week of 1/11/16

1. Brett’s drunk and sexy. 

The song is obviously a banger and the video gives the ladies what they want: double the Brett. ALSO a pure bonus is the fact that Brett’s brother makes a cameo and is equally as sexy as Brett. Two thumbs up and fine holiday fun to the Eldredge brothers. I wouldn’t mind being the meat in that sandwich. Too much? Too little? Just enough?

Screen Shot 2016-01-14 at 8.18.49 PM


2. Adele’s Got Flow

What did we learn on the latest edition of Carpool Karaoke? Adele misses her mouth just as much as I do when drinking. *Stars, they’re just like us* She’s a closet rapper. She kind of talks like Eliza Doolittle. I want to be her friend…especially if she gets drunk and hands people money. Also James has got some pipes apparently? Even Adele was impressed. PS OF COURSE IT WAS RAINING IN ENGLAND. Double PS, Posh & Nicki approve:

HUGE Adele fan!! This is GENIUS!!! Thank u @adele and @jkcorden #ilovemyspicegirls 🇬🇧🙏🏼🎤 X posh 😏

A video posted by Victoria Beckham (@victoriabeckham) on


3. Oscar Noms are Accidentally(?) Racist.

Click here to see full list.

The nominations for the most boring and lengthy awards show ever have been announced and apparently it was a little heavy on the whites. I can’t comment to any of the nominations specifically because I watch movies like The Duff and have not seen one single flick in the running. However, if Leo doesn’t take home the W, we strike. (JK I’ll never strike. I’m much too obsessed with myself to ever starve the world of my opinions during awards season.) Anyway, back on topic, the lack of diversity among nominees just guarantees us some edgier and “funny because it’s true” material from host Chris Rock. Don’t let us down, Chris. Also pls try to tell inapprops jokes without swear words or else we’ll be forced to listen to the bleep button all night again like a bunch of preschoolers.

4. Chelsea Does Drugs.

Watch trailer here.

Chelsea Handler ended her talk show on E a couple years ago so that she could sign a deal with Netflix for standup and an original series, where she apparently just tries different things each episode. Unfortunately, the first one is where she literally just does drugs. I think it’s time to call it a wrap on my girl Chels. I’ve read all her books and used to religiously watch her show but like c’mon, I don’t need to see her do hallucinogens. Plus, that little nugget Chuy is nowhere to be found creepily calling her Miss Chelsea. No thanks.

5. Friends Reunion-NAHT.


It’s a REAL slow news week, and therefore I’m going to rant so hard. Hey everyone on Facebook, this is not a real Friends reunion. Some of the actors from Friends (and Will & Grace) are gathering to talk about a director and that’s that. If I see one more Buzzfeed or status about how everyone’s peeing their pants in excitement for a Friends comeback I’m going to lose my shit. Friends isn’t coming back. I want you to think long and hard about what you’ve done to not make this happen.


RIP 1D (for real this time…probably.) Remember them fondly through this music video, handpicked by the biggest directioner I know.


Also since I feel so bad about this week’s JUice being mud, please accept this adorable vid of dog BFF’s hugging as a consolation prize:




Movies, Television

Oscars 2015 Recap

Not one to miss out on milking this shit for all it’s worth, I of course had to also recap the big kahuna of all awards shows, the Oscars. The Oscars are notorious for being long and boring as shit. There’s not a lot of alcohol, there’s 1 million categories, many of which contain movies in different languages and they’re really serious. Last year Ellen hosted and managed to make it upbeat and snappy and not excruciating. This year I had high hopes that Neil Patrick Harris would pick up where she left off. Unfortunately, he did not. Here are the highs and lows of the Oscars including a little breakdown of NPH’s opener.

NPH’s monologue was a little bit of talking and a WHOLE lot of singing. I’m not into musicals so that didn’t really do it for me. Save it for the Tony’s. He kicks it off with a great joke about Selma getting snubbed: “Tonight we honor the best and whitest–sorry brightest.” and it all goes downhill after that. The musical number is about how great movies are and there’s a lot of green screen graphics, then Anna Kendrick joins in for shits and hey why not Jack Black too? Jack hates on movies though so they kick him offstage and AK throws her shoe at him. At this point I wanted to throw my shoes at my TV, but I held out hope it would pick up.

lotsgoingon nphmono

Anna Kendrick sang about NPH getting his throat slit in Gone Girl and they shouted it out to the Kanye interruption which I never need to hear a joke about again for the rest of my life. We all need to cut the shit with giving Kanye the attention he so dearly wants.I think the best part of this opening song was when they panned to the crowd and everyone had a blank stare, I’m also pretty sure Jason Bateman was asleep. Look, alive Oscars…there’s more shitty jokes to come! Here are the best and worst moments, neither of which contain a star-studded selfie that broke Twitter (Miss you Ellen).


-NPH’s several tux changes were on point.

-JK Simmons wins and tells everyone to call their parents and listen to them for as long as they want to talk and tell them you love them. This went into effect for me immediately when my mom started texting me from her email on her brand new iPhone 6 that she has no idea how to use. Luh yuh Mom, but technology isn’t for you.

-Adam Levine performs “Lost Stars” from Begin Again (when he dabbled in acting) and every woman in America needed a change of undies after he got down on his knees to serenade them.

Screen shot 2015-02-23 at 7.24.58 AM

-Polish filmmaker won for foreign film “Ida” gave the longest no F’s given speech ever. He rambled on and called out his drunk Polish friends and as the music started to play him off he just shouted over it until the music was like K, you win. Nailed it. This set a precedent for everyone to give absolutely no regards to the orchestra for the rest of the night. If they really wanted someone to get offstage they were going to have to go up there and drag them off. Well played.

-Neil Patrick Harris hit the crowd and was chatting with all of the seat fillers and pretended that Steve Carrell was also one. It was awkward and unfunny but Steve actually rescued this bit as he’s known to do. He was the best at improv club after all.

-Patricia Arquette wins for best supporting actress and is suuuuper out of breath but she manages to get out some Feminist, Girl Power equal pay shoutouts and Queen Meryl pulls her pom poms out from under her seat and almost rushes the stage in excitement. JLo also shakes it for feminism.


-Common and John Legend perform Glory and bring the house down. John Legend can serenade me with his angel voice until forever. Apparently Hollywood agrees because they get a standing O and lots of tears.

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-The Ultimate CREEP of the night award goes to none other than John Travolta. He started things off hot on the red carpet by getting all up in ScarJo’s biz:


Then Idina Menzel presented with him, introduced him as Glom Gizingo (Ha-Ha…Get it cause last year he called her Adele Dazeem and we heard about it for the next 7 months?) and he delivered a quick face rape that I had to cover my eyes for. Here’s a friendly tip, Glom, if you want to seem hip and in on the joke, maybe don’t also give everyone the heebie jeebies while you’re at it. Easily the most entertaining moment of the night though watching Idina try to escape his petting with a smile on her face like this was all planned.

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-Glory wins for best song and we find out that Common’s real name is Lonnie Lynn.

-Lady GaGa does a Sound of Music tribute and for once in her life wears a gorgeous dress, doesn’t do anything zany with her hair or makeup and let’s her great singing voice do the talking. I can dig it. Julie Andrews can too because she geeks out over it and they hug it out.


-Guy with glasses in the hairtastic Birdman crew thanks Larry, his dog, among his children. Seriously why don’t dogs get more shout outs at awards show? They’re more important than your children.

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-“Gone Girl was originally titled ‘Bitches Be Trippin, Yo’”-NPH

-Eddie Redmayne wins best actor which was announced in the most casj fashion ever from Cate Blanchett, “Okie dokey, Smokey, the winner is…” (I’m guessing that wasn’t on the teleprompter.) Anyway, Eddie loses his shit onstage and it’s kinda adorable and kinda frightening at the same time. He pulls it togets long enough to shout it on out to ALS. No ice buckets though.


-Tegan & Sara/Lonely Island perform “Everything is Awesome” from the Lego Movie. Apparently children’s movies are now best enjoyed on acid because this performance had strobe lights and bright colored cowboys and stuffed dogs. It was too much.

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Also since when are three goobers who sing about jizzing in their pants and F-ing mermaids allowed to soundtrack a kids movie? I was really holding out for a remix with one of the old classics. It didn’t happen so feel free to listen to them anyway to forget that stupid song about being awesome.

-There’s a whole lotta suicide action at the show and it’s a real downer. Two women win for (something I’ve never seen and therefore quickly forgot) and as the music is aggressively playing them off, one woman says that she lost her son to suicide and we should all talk about it. The music immediately cuts and maybe we should talk about this later? Then Graham Moore from The Imitation Game accepts an Oscar and is all thanks Oprah for my Oscar tralala when I was fifteen I tried to kill myself. He makes it inspiring but things took a sharp turn real quick. The moral of the story is keep being weird and different and alive and you too will one day get to meet Oprah.

-NPH takes to the crowd again to do a bit with David Oyelowo about how nothing is offensive with a British accent (which usually is true, Brits get away with everything cause they sound classy AF) but this time it’s a really lame bit that’s unfunny. C’mon Neil. Actually while we’re on shitty bits, let’s also discuss when he comes out in his tighty whities. We get it, you have abs for days, but was this necessary?


-This year’s “pizza” joke was the locked box that NPH kept his predictions in that he made before the show even started and then brought it up 100 times throughout the night to assure everyone that they were secure and have not been tampered with. At the end of the night the payoff is a bunch of one liners of specific things that happened throughout the night. It was stupid and drawn out. The only prediction I laughed at was “Travolta will be back again next year to apologize to Idina for all the face touching.”

-Meryl opens up for the In Memoriam segment saying that actors will always be remembered because we have their body of work that will always live on. Basically if you haven’t performed in something everyone will forget you after you die. The In Memoriam segment itself is just a bunch of drawings of dead people set to sad music. WOOooOooF. Then Jennifer Hudson uses her powerhouse voice to honor them. She has slicked back hair that my mom described via text, “must feel yucky to touch.”

-Terence Howard almost cries onstage about Selma and then gets grabby with the mic which obviously causes some feedback. First time on stage bro?

-Sean Penn presents Best Picture to Birdman and announces it gracefully with “Who gave this son of a bitch his green card?” A little racism to end the night on…the director responds with, “Two Mexicans in a row, that’s suspicious I guess.” Yiikes.


And that completes the 3 1/2 hour portion of my life dedicated to awards shows every Sunday. I hope that you enjoyed my endless recaps and fashion blogs this awards season. We’ll pick up right where we left off when the 500 Country Music Awards start again in a just a few months time. I for one, cannot wait.