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Television

Best of the Worst Hallmark Holiday Movies, 2022 Edition

It’s 2022, baby! We’ve got about 6 zillion streaming services and FINALLY they’re all making original Christmas movies. We are no longer SHACKLED to a network geared toward the middle-aged female demo making four of the exact same movie starring Candace Cameron Bure each and every year with the grand finale being a Sahara desert dry brushing of lips. We’ve got OPTIONS now! When I sat down to make my list of preferred flicks to watch, I clicked through 174 BRAND NEW original Christmas movies. And from that monster list (shout out Entertainment Weekly), I narrowed it down to a conservative 33 movies as a guideline, adding and deleting along the way. Let the records also show that CableTV.com put out a call for one person to be the “Chief of Cheer,” watch 25 movies in 25 days, submit commentary and get paid $2,000 for their services. I nearly broke my keyboard whipping up a lengthy rambling of a submission PLEADING my case that I’m already the Chief of G-D Cheer and I deserve compensation for it for ONCE. Spoiler alert: I did not get the job. Big mistake, CableTV.com, HUGE.

For anyone who cares, here was my submission that was so unjustly overlooked. I hope everyone at CableTV.com gets coal in their stockings this year.

There’s truly nothing better than pouring myself a glass of wine, snuggling up on the couch in my sherpa-lined red truck blanket, staring at the twinkling Christmas tree in the corner & smashing play on a holiday movie. It is the true meaning of Christmas.

Not only do I enjoy consuming a sleigh-load of holiday movies each year, but for the past 8 years I’ve maintained a pop culture blog (thesaltyju.com) and each year I recap the newest Hallmark & Lifetime holiday movies and share my opinions with the world (whoever stumbles upon my blog.) Considering each streaming network is now competing for who can release more original holiday movies each year, this is quite an undertaking and I feel as though my fervor to watch each one and record my thoughts before Christmas Day is impressive. I’m dedicated to watching overworked corporate girlbosses return to their sparsely populated hometown and fall in love with the local carpenter as they harmonize at the church Christmas pageant that they managed to cobble together after many holiday hijinks, sharing one chaste kiss under the mistletoe as the credits roll. And if I’m that dedicated WITHOUT pay, imagine the effort I’ll put in with a little incentive?!

Even though I make time for 20-30 new holiday movies each year (while keeping Hallmark running in the background as I “work” from home so I can rewatch old ones as well) I always make sure to revisit the classic Christmas movies I grew up on. Each Christmas season *must* include Home Alone (1 & 2), Elf, I’ll Be Home For Christmas, The Santa Clause (1&2), Love Actually, Miracle on 34th Street, National Lampoon’s Christmas Vacation & The Grinch. Of course, I’ll make room for new classics to be sprinkled into the mix, most recently Netflix’s The Christmas Chronicles has become a fan favorite in my household of one. Kurt Russell gave Santa an edge that we haven’t seen since Tim Allen in the early 90’s and I can always get down with a cool Santa sax solo.

Anyway, as you can see, I’m already crushing it as a Chief of Cheer every holiday season like it’s my J-O-B, so why not get paid for it?! I would LOVE the opportunity to watch Christmas movies and share my feedback with CableTV.com. Thank you so much for your consideration and keep the change, ya filthy animals!

Anywho, back to the matter at hand, Hallmark has really jumped the shark since the aforementioned CCB left and now that the streaming services are releasing their own Christmas movies, pumping a fraction of our ungodly subscription fees into the production value, there really is no competition. That’s not to say I ruled out the OG giants of Christmas (Hallmark and Lifetime), but I will give you fair warning that in the world of streaming cable, you can’t have both. You either get Hulu Live TV with Lifetime or YouTubeTV with Hallmark. There’s a special place in hell for ex boyfriends who cancel their Hulu Ad-Free Live TV that they know you’re using, in PEAK Christmas movie season, without even a courtesy warning. Which is how I found myself scrambling to get a YouTubeTV subscription and therefore had no option but to F with Hallmark exclusively this year (Sorry, bout it, Lifetime.) So without further ado, I’ve divided by network–in alpha order–so you can roll right past the networks you’ve chosen not to pay for (or steal logins for.)

AMAZON PRIME

Something From Tiffany’s

A product of Reese Witherspoon’s production company, Hello Sunshine, the plot of this one is a wee bit of an engagement ring mixup. Ethan gets a big ole rock to propose to his LA girlfriend, Gary gets his girlfriend diamond earrings, their bags get switched and each woman opens up the wrong gift on Christmas day. Except instead of correcting the mixup, Gary goes pedal to the metal and proposes anyway with a ring he certainly doesn’t have the coin to pay for. We all know they have to make the current partner hateable so we don’t feel like it’s cheating when there’s a spark with someone else…but I feel like they went too far here. Gary the tattoo artist is a thieving scumbag. And word on the street is it’s ok to leave your fiance when he’s a poor dirtbag with no morals. This movie was kinda boring overall save for BFF Terri who provides comic relief and rips on the shitty boyfriend, but it’s a nice Christmas in the city story overall. Definitely can tell its got that Reese cashflow.

Your Christmas or Mine?

I guess this one was geared toward the younger crowd as it featured two college students. Ah, to be young and in love at Christmas with a posh accent. Leaning on the “let’s surprise each other” but do it at the same time and completely miss each other trope, James ends up celebrating Christmas with Hayley’s family in one town and Hayley ends up suck with James’ dad in another. Obviously neither one has told their family about the status of their relationship because they’ve been dating basically five minutes. Secrets are revealed, families are the worst, and the ONLY time I chuckled was when Hayley’s family shows up at James’ mansion (he’s a Lord) and make a comment about how she could’ve pulled a proper Meghan Markle. Otherwise, this movie is a dud and you couldn’t PAY me to spend a holiday with a brand new sig oth’s family WITHOUT THEM THERE. Pure torture.

CBS

When Christmas was Young

This is primetime. The big leagues. This movie premiered after 60 Minutes! What a lead-in. You know it’s good shit when it’s getting the Sunday night feature like it’s awards season. Happy to report it did not disappoint, especially since it was the last movie I viewed this season and I already had quite an ear full of “original Christmas songs” that made me want to scoop out my ear drums with a butter knife. With Sheryl Crow as an EP, you can trust the music will be legit and it sure was. Luke Dawson (hot name) is a doucheroni country music agent who gets fired and his last Hail Mary to keep his biggest client is to get the rights to a song written by Melody. Tale as old as time, Melody shows him the charitable and family side of Christmas so he stops being such a turd and Luke repays her by giving her song away anyway so he can keep his job. All’s well that ends well though, obviously in song. I really don’t have a lot of snark for this one because it followed the holiday movie formula to a T and it didn’t have any weird actors overdoing it in the background or terribly cringetastic scenes. Round of Applause for the Canadians here, they know how to make a solid Christmas movie.

GREAT AMERICAN FAMILY

Catering Christmas

Molly is the chipper go-getter of a business owner trying to land a catering job for a rich family and Carson is the privileged nephew photographer of said family who has a boner for her. This movie was the equivalent of a Christmas cutout sugar cookie, sweet and basic. No major conflict, no exes to get rid of, and even when Carter had to pick going to Milan over staying in his hometown to be chairman of the family biz, it was *very* anticlimactic. Bonus Points for an opening scene of Carson sneaking up on his aunt and taking a picture of her before even saying hello…stalk, much?! And a suuuuper random side love story between the butler and the aunt that escalated very quickly. We went from sidelong glances to a proposal in RECORD speed.

HALLMARK

Haul Out the Holly

Holly’s parents run the neighborhood Christmas festivities every year and basically have been ruining her Christmas since she was born because instead of getting to open presents at home she has to be free labor for their festival. Less than 5 minutes into the movie we’ve got a “I’m not happy in this relationship” and Holly will be returning home for Christmas with her overachieving parents. Except this bitch has the worst parents in the world. Like someone commit these two clowns to a mental institute. Who invites their daughter home and is like, “Bye babes, Happy Christmas we’re moving to Florida right now! Sorry about your breakup, please watch our giant house and make sure it’s decorated up to HOA code!” There are no redeeming qualities to this movie as everyone is rude and weird & sketchy and she’s an ADULT. Say no and get the hell outta there! And the lead male HOA president nerdbomber is a fucking loser. I don’t care if he’s an architect, he’s giving citations for not having a porch nutcracker, someone needs to give him a swirlie and then stuff him in a locker. And OF COURSE he plays the guitar. Extra cringes for the classic bludgeoning of an all-time great Rom Com line with: “Just a girl, standing in front of a boy, asking him to be Santa.” WOOF. MAKE IT STOP.

A Cozy Christmas Inn


I only stomach’ed like 45 mins of this and I was barely paying attention but I knew the minute I heard two old biddies in a town with a stupid name say “Believe in the magic!” that this was very much not the movie for me. I dig Jodie but we all have to have boundaries and a movie where Santa is the main hunk’s dad is mine. I don’t know exact plot deets here but I know Andy is the ex and Erika is there to buy his B&B leading to the often predictable “PROMOTION OR LOVE” decision…but with lots of twinkle sound effects and lines like “stop listening to your head and start listening to your heart!” From someone who thinks exclusively with her heart this is BAD advice from the friend of the program. Extra cringies for Erika asking Santa (Andy’s dad) for Andy for Christmas. I almost puked in my hands typing that. And it wouldn’t be a “one of a kind town” without annoying AF side characters trying to bring main character energy. I don’t care about your small town life in Garland, old diner people, kick rocks.

Christmas Class Reunion


As a Julie Taylor fan (yes I’m using her character name instead of her real name) I had high hopes for this one. She’s cute, the lead guy is a babe, what could go wrong?! Everything apparently. The opening scene is a complete rip of the Carrie pig’s blood dumping but Hallmark style. Then we fast forward 15 years later to all of these goons and where they are now. The over-acting in this one is next level and the way that each character acts like where they are in life is the END OF THE WORLD. (I was unemployed and moving back home right around the time my high school reunion took place so let’s cool our jets with pretending life sucks when you’re all gainfully employed.) The couple that was soooo in love in high school is separated now (color me shocked) and is hoping the reunion would spark their magic again. Since Hallmark isn’t about showing divorce, I think we can safely assume nostalgia will trump couples therapy in the end. None of these fools have talked to each other in 15 years but doesn’t stop them from acting like they’re besties when they’re reunited and also I HAVE A BONE TO PICK. When will Hallmark learn to fill the coffee cups with at least water so everyone stops tipping obviously empty cups toward their dome piece and pretending to sip. Shout out to random unnamed co-worker of Julie Taylor for the most memorable line of the whole damn thing, “They’re saying it’s a federal investigation…as in the FBI!” Oh, is that what that is?!

#Xmas

Jen runs a home decorating shop with her sister and makes lil videos and Max is her BFF from college who helps photograph and film her. They decide to enter some sort of HGTV knock-off celeb couple contest for influencers posing as a married couple with a baby. Obvs they become finalists and let me be the first to say this Hally threw me for a loop. It didn’t really follow the formula and everyone pretty much hated Jen for most of this movie. Her mom, Max who has been in love with her forever with her friend zoning him HOARD. Jen was not a fan favorite and not to pile on but she still hasn’t gotten any better at doing an American accent since her days starring as Scarlett on Nashville. But as we’ve learned, if anything can make you stop being an asshole, it’s Christmas…and also pretending to be your nephew’s mom on a stage in front of tons of people when he says “mama” for the first time and he ain’t talkin to you. Pro Tip: If you want to make this movie more fun, drink every time Jen pops into “influencer” voice and worry about the future of our youth who live in influencer voice 24/7. For realz, I saw a middle schooler prop her phone on a shelf at Wegmans and start doing a dance in the aisle. #We’reAllFucked.

A Tale of Two Christmases

It’s on me that I didn’t read the description (or the title) with any sort of common sense and still chose to watch this. I can’t get down with groundhog day or magical alternate universe movies so as soon as Santa “granted a Christmas wish” and the clock stopped working I knew I was screwed. Not only that, but I was confused. When this parallel Christmas first started I had no way of telling which was which. I guess what I’m trying to say is I think I’m finally too stupid for Hallmark? Also ain’t that some shit that you tell some fat guy ringing a bell that you “just want something to work out for once” and you get to live out two Christmases to let you know which man candy to choose and how to crush it at your career. WHERE’S MY FAT MAN?! I’d love an insider tip, homeslice. I want to help my middle school bully sensually strip his chunky knit Christmas sweater off after declaring it’s hot in here! Anyway, no spoilers but Emma’s Christmas with fancy lawyer Max and her promotion to lead architect ends up being a real disaster and as it turns out moving home to Vermont and starting a biz with her dad and smooching the guy she grew up with is THE TRUE MEANING OF CHRISTMAS. “You know I’m not perfect, right?” “You are to me!” AWWWWWGagggmylifeawayAWWWW.

HBO MAX

Holiday Harmony

Homeless chick Gail drives around the country in a van and does open mics, but she’s keeping her followers up to date on the journey which is high key obnoxious to watch her be an influencer who can’t afford an apartment but can afford to overshare. And wouldn’t you know her van/home gets totaled by a goat or something on her way to LA for her big break. The man, the myth, the legend, JD McCoy (clearly the Friday Night Lights characters are a HIT in the Christmas movie scene), is the mechanic who will fix her van and then make it rock if ya know what I mean, WINK WINK. Not gonna lie, grown up JD was doing it for me in this movie and I’m not ashamed to admit it. Sure, the movie took an emotional turn that I wasn’t prepped for but we got a sex scene. HELL YEA. HBOMax has no rules and I DIG IT. Unfortunately that’s immediately followed by children singing which is a big HELL NO. Overall dece movie but I’d be remiss not to shine a light on the worst part…the hispanic actress that I saw in THREE movies so far this year and she was playing a loud obnoxious caricature in all three. Was she running a special on “annoying over-animated screecher” as a character?! I was mega embarrassed for her every time she graced my TV this year.

A Hollywood Christmas


Jess is directing a Christmas movie about a lawyer shutting down a bakery and as it’s shooting, Christopher, a finance bro from the network, comes to shut down the Christmas movie division, Omg SO meta. A few minutes later I discovered that Jess’s assistant has a cartoon baby voice that made me want to blow my brains out and I PRAYED that her speaking role would diminish as this flick progressed. That was my one Christmas wish this year. And that Christmas wish was quickly shattered because this girlie was basically a main character flapping that squeaker of hers to point out all of the ways in which Jess’s life was playing out like a Christmas movie. It certainly didn’t help matters that I was already cranky and starving as I watched this movie on my colonoscopy prep day. The treat your real life like a Christmas movie WHILE filming a Christmas movie that has almost the same plot all voiced by lil miss helium pipsqueak was a hard no for me. I paused it several times and it took everything in me to finish it. Then it ended on a musical number to really seal its fate as worst movie ever. PS: STOP TRYING TO MAKE THE “IS DIE HARD A CHRISTMAS MOVIE” ARGUMENT CUTE FLIRTY DATING BANTER. IT IS NOT.

HULU

Merry Kiss Cam

Jess (clearly a hot name choice this year) is an artist and Danny owns a hockey bar that was passed down from his dad. Danny is also the hottie from Bring It On and dayumnnn he aged well. Anyway, the initial attraction between these two crazy kids is they both are adults who eat snow. And honestly I can see that being listed as a kink on a dating profile. “We’re the same kind of weird if…we both eat snow.” I really need to get off of the apps. But I’ve got nothing but love for this movie. I liked both of the leads, they had the most adorable couple banter and I love a good falling in love montage, which this gave in the form of smooching at college hockey games so they keep up their winning streak. My only snarky comment is that I wish she would’ve gotten those godforsaken bangs out of her eyes. If anyone is on the fence about cutting bangs, watch Jess spend the entire movie pushing them back so she could actually use her eyes while painting.

My Christmas Fiancé

This was so bad that I honestly double checked to make sure it wasn’t a parody and I didn’t fall for it. As it turns out, the creator of this movie was serious and for that I am so sorry. When the movie started and we were getting artsy shots of food in a prep kitchen I thought wow, these TV movies are really trying to make it to Cannes these days. But then as I kept watching it became clear that there is no shot this wasn’t a student-made film. Besides the next level bad acting that reeks of volunteers from class, the camera was constantly moving like a dad behind a camcorder. At one point, a waitress comes into the kitchen probably trying to do a different accent then her own and goes, “what are you guys doing here” and I swore I was losing my mind and/or tripping on shrooms because I thought somehow my TV switched to slow motion cause it took so long for her to get that sentence out. And the CHERRY ON TOP is that this abomination to the term movie actually had a recognizable name in it with Denise Richards. I watched the whole damn thing and I still have no idea what Denise Richards’ role was other than to pop up and watch the main characters cr33p style or say a few incoherent words here and there. I don’t think even she knew she was on a movie set. She probably thought it was for her OnlyFans. I would say skip this movie but I also kind of want someone else on this earth to have gone through the torture that was watching it so pls report back so we can commiserate.

LIFETIME

Steppin into the Holiday


Billy Holiday gets fired from his dance show with his wife (IRL) because what is a holiday movie without Mario Lopez’s entire family making a cameo. He goes home for the holidays and sees an opportunity to keep twirling with his nephew’s dance teacher Ray. It may be disrespectful to critique the children in movies but this one deserves to be knocked down a peg or two. Billy’s nephew is the most annoying little shit in the history of annoying little shits. He’s a TikTok dancer who thinks he’s going to be famous so he stops studying at school so he can record himself shimmy shaking. As my sister and I noted out loud anytime he graced the screen, “what a cocky little fuck.” Besides CLF, the aforementioned obnoxious side character actress from Holiday Harmony also plays Billy’s sister (annoying shit’s mom, go figure) and gives off a REAL weird sibling energy. It goes from immature to flirty real quick when she tells him they should wrestle for the bed closest to the door. It gave me all of the ickies. Thank GOD for Cheri Oteri popping in throughout for a much-needed case of the giggles.

Cloudy with a Chance of Christmas


No. Just, no.

NETFLIX

Falling for Christmas


Sierra is a rich, spoiled asshole with an obviously gay influencer boyfriend Tad. Mid-proposal, they both fall in an avalanche or something equally as ridiculous and Jake, the small resort owner that’s about to go under, claims Sierra because she doesn’t remember who she is. Since they had a not so pleasant run-in while Jake was asking Sierra’s dad for funding to stay afloat, I thought we were watching an Overboard remake where Jake was going to punish Sierra by making her live like a commoner and learn the value of a dollar. But it turns out this guy is really dumb enough to not remember someone yelling at him one day prior and had no clue who she was until the end. There’s a magical Santa that plays absolutely no role in the greater plot other than appearing with sleigh bells music every once in a while and giving a creepy smile. Most importantly, we are served with the most horrible hair in the history of men’s hair that I was so disgusted by I got right up on my TV and rewound to snap some pics for proof.

IS HE PULLING THAT FACE BECAUSE HE CAUGHT A GLIMPSE OF HIS OLE PLASTIC HEAD ASS IN THE MIRROR?! BOOM. ROASTED. Shout out to my girl LiLo for a solid comeback and one of the few somewhat enjoyable movies this year.

Christmas with You

If I had a dollar for every time I typed the sentence “this is next level bad” into my notes app during a holiday movie viewing, I’d be able to afford the houses that all those cool kids my age are getting. Angelina is a popstar who needs to write an original Christmas song for her label and Miguel is a music teacher whose daughter is obsessed with Angelina and makes a TikTok that she notices. And that’s how two sassy ladies (Angelina and her comedic relief assistant) end up hitting up a 14 year old and her old ass dad for inspiration. Seriously, there’s no planet where I believe this hot tamale of a popstar is getting sucked in by a 46 year old man. Oh shit, nevemind, I just IMDB’ed her age and she’s 44 proving the theory VERY wrong that men age better in this scenario because I thought for sure this chick was 30 tops. Hand up, I judged the age difference here and there is none. Whoopsie. Anyway, it still doesn’t justify a very sensual dough-touching scene for these two to have while the rest of the fam makes ‘let’s get it on ‘eyes at them, INCLUDING THE TEENAGER… CRINGE MY LIFE AWAY. Unfortunately, this was also hands down the worst original song I’ve ever heard and that’s saying a lot considering I watched the Netflix original Purple Hearts where they pounded their original ditty into your brains by performing it 16,000 times. She even switched into Spanish for a hot second too so this song could blow in two languages! Feast your ears on this fiery hot garbage that somehow even fictionally got a slot on SNL. IS LORNE DEAF?!

The Noel Diary

My mom and I sat down to watch this one together and I had to run an errand and she asked if she should pause it. I told her I’d catch up. Came back with a half hour left and had the whole thing figured out so I guess I’m not too dumb for Netflix, which is comforting. This movie is obviously made for moms all over the world who think Justin Hartley is charismatic and dreamy. I’m not sellin what he’s buyin, so I could really judge this movie without falling for his movie star smile. Leaning a little more on the dramatic side, Jake goes back into his family history after his mom dies to reconnect the maid with her long-lost daughter who he obv can’t resist. My bone to pick here is that this girlie full-on cheats to be with him. Clearly no one at Netflix is doing their research cause that’s a hard no in holiday movie-land. You don’t cheat, you just emotionally connect with someone better and then your partner does something horrible and inexcusable and you don’t have to feel guilty that you don’t actually love them. DUH. But don’t ask me what I think of this movie, ask my mom who was sobbing on the couch as the credits rolled.

I Believe in Santa


Magazine writer Lisa says the word wiener to her boss within 5 mins and I was sold…until I laid eyes on Tom. This is the creepiest male lead I’ve ever peeped and I am not exaggerating when I say that this guy would be much more fitting for a serial killer / stalker role in a Lifetime movie. How quickly it can go from wiener jokes to the cringiest movie alive. Lisa hates Christmas and Tom is so obsessed with it that he should be on a watchlist. Then she discovers he genuinely still believes in Santa and judging by her sticking with him in the end, they probably both could benefit from therapy. As much as this movie gave me the uncomfies every time Tom’s face graced the screen, what really jammed my glock was the way Netflix was trying to hide deeper lessons about religion, race, and humanity into arguments about Santa. That was more than I was willing to learn from a low budge Christmas flick. Not trying to contemplate the existence of God in my pjs while I wrap Barbie’s on a Saturday morning, guys, so let’s cool our jets here. I do suggest taking this one for a spin if you’d like to have nightmares that feature Tom’s terrifying face for the foreseeable future.

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JUice

Weekly JUice

Week of May 24th, 2021

 

1. I Was R I G H T.

As you might recall, the announcement of the Friends Reunion hit around February of 2020 and I was QUICK to tell everyone to calm the hell down about it. Refresh your memory HERE. Well folks, nothing brings me more pure joy than being THE MOST RIGHT. The Friends Reunion dropped yesterday, I saddled up to watch all two hours of it and it was NEARLY unwatchable. WHAT A LOAD OF GARBAGE. And if you’re a true Friends fan and you don’t agree with me, check yourself if you’re letting your fangirl bias get in the way. That was two straight hours of FLUFF. The same information could’ve been retained from a 5 minute feature on a late show. *Spoiler Alert for those who care about this trash ass reunion being spoiled* We had strangers from all over the world telling us how much they love the TV show, a collection of random celebrities describing specific scenes that we’ve already seen 900 times or telling us how much they love the TV show, a completely useless “fashion show” also including random celebs, and a couple of Friends guest star appearances for a VERY brief hello. Also, a Lady Gaga cameo for Smelly Cat that made me cringe to death. Hosted by James Corden, the special spliced between a live “interview” with the friends all in front of the original fountain from the intro, pre-taped conversations of them on the recreated set, flashbacks to old clips and a few little games with the cast. It was awkward and just a lot of the cast members crying and saying they love each other. Cool beans. The big dramatic *reveal* was that Jen Aniston and David Schwimmer wanted to bone each other IRL but never did because they were always in relationships while filming. So they channeled their horniness for each other into the characters. WOWOWOWOWOWOW. If it sounds like I’m bitter for how poorly this was done, please know that I am. Aside from the lack of content that these two hours produced, if I may make two personal observations. 1. It looks like the men have had more work done facially speaking than the women. It was a WHOLE lotta frozen old face up in that B. 2. Matthew Perry (aka Chandler) is clearly the odd man out. It became very obvious through group interactions that none of them have chosen to hang out with him personally in the past 15 years and also no one really cares to hear what he has to say now. I feel like he maybe got 5 words in edgewise the whole special. Poor Chanandler Bong. If you want to torture yourself, feel free to flip this bad boy on and drink every time one of them says “it feels just like no time has passed and we all just slipped right back into it.” Eye roll my G-D face off.

2. Ariana Stole My Birthday.

Ariana Grande decided my 30th birthday would be the ideal day to get married to her man of the mo’ and honestly HOW DARE SHE? I probably will not need to be concerned about this for longer than today because there’s not a chance in hell these two clowns make it even to their first anniversary. Maybe they’ll pop out a kid soon because that’s what’s hot in the streets with celebs in their twenties these days. Bet celebs don’t have their moms telling them on their 30th birthday they should look into freezing their eggs because they already have 3 kids by then. AnYwHo, Vogue did a whole spread on the fashion and lewks from Ariana’s low-key at-home nuptials. As someone who rips red carpet fashion like nobody’s biz, nothing is going to stop me from doing the same for Ariana’s big day. Here’s the spread.

From the neck up, I approve. Makeup is flawless, signature Ariana half up pony has an elegant spin to it with the vintage short veil and bow. Then we move downtown on this getup and that’s where I’m out. I love an open back, I don’t love tossing in essentially a built-in bra strap to the open canvas. I think it looks tacky as hell. And gurrrl, those heels and fur purse speak for themselves. Is she wearing custom designer pieces on her wedding day or hitting the stage in a sweaty strip club? Yikes on bikes. If you’re wearing 6 inch platform heels just to reach your husband’s mouth, I have concerns. Since I dumped on her Vera Wang wedding dress and hooker heelz, might I also add that the table setting is flawle$$. Every happiness to you birthday spotlight thiefs! *Place your bets now on how long this union lasts*

3. Bennifer 2.0.

As a close personal friend of JLo, I’d be remiss to fire up the JUice after a long hiatus and not comment on her current “apparent” rebound. And here’s the take that I gave to everyone in my family immediately upon the Bennifer resurgence at the end of April: it’s all fake. This is publicity stunt 101. It REEKS of showmanship. Ben Affleck just got dumped by up and coming actress and total babe soda Ana de Armas. He’s generally a kinda sloppy alcoholic that goes in and out of rehab and mainlines Dunkin icey’s. He could use a little press glow-up. JLo is a spicy tamale that everyone in America loves and/or wants to bang. It was rumored (I say that knowing it’s probably 100% true) that ARod cheated which caused the demise of their engagement. Wanna know the best way to stick it to your cheating ex-fiance? Show him you’re banging someone new. DUH times a million. She’s photographed gallivanting around with Ben Affleck and stir up a FLURRY of headlines and nostalgia, it’s all shoved directly in ARod’s grillpiece and he’s made to think about what he lost by stepping out on his Queen. Win, win all around. Ben looks great, JLo looks fancy free and funky fresh not a care in the world just having the time of her life, the world gets to relive the most ridiculous pop culture phenomenon of a couple and salivate over it being the early 2000’s again, bingo bango everyone’s happy. (Except for ARod.) Also might I add, do you think JLO, the woman who is at HER PRIME at 50 years old is going to honestly go back to Ben Affleck?! Get real. It’s gonna take a lot more than some pics of them walking into the gym in Miami to convince me that these two are actually back together.

4. Sad Scoop.

Kevin Clark aka Freddy the drummer from School of Rock died this week at 32. He was riding a bike in Chicago and was hit by a car. SUPER sad news because he’s young and also because it’s a horrible accident. He was never in anything other than School of Rock because he wasn’t trying to be an actor, he was only cast in that movie because of his drumming skills. As someone who was 12 when the movie School of Rock came out, I was for SURE crushing on Freddy. A drummer with an attitude? Sign me up. Obviously I was going through a real bad boy phase. That spiky hair made my 6th grade heart swoon. What a time for hair gel to take the center stage. Anyway, I hate reporting sad scoops because there’s nothing funny to say about someone dying way too young. Here’s the last time the gang was all together for a special performance of the all-time classic Zach’s Song.

5. Baby Sitch Hath Arrived.

In preparation for one day being a New Jersey resident, I’ve been doing my due diligence of research. Staying up to date on all Jersey Shore cast member milestones is a given. The sitch and his lady welcomed Romeo Reign into the world and by God if that’s not a cocky as hell name. Putting a lot of pressure on this little nugget’s shoulders to become a wealthy reality TV star who serves time for evading his taxes. Just kidding, the name is fine and fairly normal as far as “celeb” names go. What I’m really here to talk about is that in my process of full-on Jersey immersion, I’ve begun the Real Housewives of New Jersey from the start and what a wild ride that has been. No one ever warned me that the New Jersey installment is basically a scripted mafia movie featuring the Manzo family. Most importantly, I’m getting a lay of the land, taking note of the hot spots including of course, the Brownstone, and updating my fashion choices to correlate with the Jersey lifestyle:

Kangol in hand, Jersey here I COME BAYBAY!

BONUS: I haven’t been on the TikTok scene lately but I did make a video of my California vacay set to the tuneage of my epic Gold Coast Grooves playlist and Instagram banned it the SECOND I posted it because of one song so I’m gonna post it here instead. Enjoy a tour of the various beaches of Orange County, me almost decapitating my bestie with a rogue champagne cork & a very boozy singalong to Natasha Bedingfield the night before my birthday. I took the liberty of rolling the window down and scream singing it into the breeze as we drove down the highway of which I’m sure my friend’s fiance was none too pleased about. I was just trying to find my inner-LC and that seems pretty obvious.

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Movies, Television

Netflix February Round-Up

I never realize exactly how much TV I’ve been binging until I have human contact and realize that 90% of my life updates are just Netflix series and movie recommendations. That happened to me recently and I realized that if I’m going to yap my face off about what I’ve been watching lately, why not recap it in blog form to benefit those of you who may not have all hours of the day to try each and every new addition?! See? Watching hours upon hours of TV has a PURPOSE when you write your own pop culture blog that barely anybody reads. You know how many hours are in a day when you don’t have a full-time job…A LAWT. It’s been a whole ass year of quarantine and I’ve watched more TV in this past year of garbage than in my 29 years leading up to it combined. If you’ll recall, I did a lovely binge recap at the beginning of COVID, and I’m happy to update you now on the latest and greatest in the past month or so on Netflix. *No Spoilers, just my highly regarded opinions*

To All The Boys I’ve Loved Before: Always & Forever

Ok so obviously this is the third installment in squeaky clean teen trilogy following Lara Jean and Peter Kavinsky. I’ve watched all three movies on their Valentines Day premiere weekends and yet I can’t say I’m a superfan of this storyline. Naturally, Peter Kavinsky is dreamy as hell as far as high school boyfriends who look like they’re 28 go, and the story is pretty well-rounded and not just focused on stupid teenage hormones…and YET there’s only so much John Corbett that can save a flick. The first one was okay, the second one was trash and the third one never needed to be made in the first place. I wish Netflix would stop automatically granting every teen story 3 movies upon its first release. NOT ALL STORIES NEED TO BE TOLD IN THREE PARTS. Obviously the first movie is the union of Peter and Lara Jean. The second movie is the childhood crush returns to town presence to ruffle the perfect relationship. And the third? The third was basically useless. These two are going off to college and in the land of high school relationships we all know that’s the kiss of death. We don’t need a movie about it. Was I just bored of this unrealistic storyline or was I personally victimized by the beginning of the movie when one of the high school kids said to another “at least you don’t have to wait for your acceptance letter in the mail like they did in the olden days?” I think we all know the answer here. When I attended college in 2009, I got my acceptance and rejection letters in the mail. On paper. SnAiL mAiL. That was 11 years ago and it is now considered the stone age to teenagers today. Nothing reminds you that you’re too old for watching a particular movie harder than them directly calling you geriatric. Put me in the ground, I’m over you losers. CAUSE APPARENTLY COLLEGES JUST SHOOT YOU A DM NOW IF YOU’RE IN. ***all the eye rolls in the world, I’ll never stop being bitter about this.***

I Care A Lot

I like to keep Netflix on their toes when they recommend shit for me. Oh you think I’ll enjoy the programming for 13 year old girls well BAM check me out watching this flick. I zig when they think I’m gonna zag. I gotta be honest, I saw this movie was up for a Golden Globe and since I try very hard to be that person who watches AT LEAST one critically acclaimed (up for at least one award) movie a year, I decided this should be it…mostly because I actually WANTED to watch Promising Young Woman but I refuse to ever pay for a movie in my own home. Unless I’m in a dark theater with a reclining chair and the greasiest of popcorn, you’re not getting a penny outta me. Anyway, this movie was AWESOME. As soon as I finished it and basically whooped it up at the VERY satisfying ending, I texted everyone I know to add it to their watchlist immediately. It’s twisty, it has crime, it has lots of swearing, it has a VERY tanned and white-toothed Chris Messina acting like a cocky babe soda (drool city, population; me), and most importantly of all, the main character played by Rosamund Pike is the WORST HUMAN ON THIS EARTH with her stupid designer outfits, blunt bob and vape pen that you just hope she chokes on. Plus, she won the globe for this part so you know at least the racist-ass HFPA liked this movie, Ch-ch-check it out!

Biggie: I Got A Story To Tell

As you all know, I’m a real doc nerd. This particular one was getting a lot of hype leading up to its release so I was ALL over it when it dropped. Here’s my background knowledge on Biggie: 1. I knew Biggie and Tupac had beef and Tupac is 100% still alive and in the witness protection program. 2. My roommate in college (also white as wonder bread like me) had her cellphone ringtone set to “Juicy” and every single damn time her phone rang I heard Biggie’s chubster mouth marbling “It was all A DREAM, I used to read WORDUP MAGAZINE.” 3. One time at Target I tried to buy the iconic Biggie with the crown on his head tee and my mom and my sister told me not to and it’s the biggest regret of my life. I would’ve looked cool as shit in that tee. So as you can see, I’m a diehard Biggie fan. Up until I watched this doc and nearly turned it off out of sheer boredom 5 times. This story could’ve been told in suuuuch an interesting way and instead it was an hour and a half of jumping all over the timeline, naming cross streets in Brooklyn and talking to the surviving members of Biggie’s crew who list all the other members by their 10 different nicknames. I never once knew who anyone was talking about. Probably the most shocking part of the doc was when B.i.G./Biggie/Christopher’s mom said she never once listened to his music, had no clue what he was doing 90% of the time and the only time she listened to his album was after he died. If my parents don’t read one of my blogs I immediately ask them why they hate me. How did she have a rapper son and never once heard him spit bars? Anyway, final rating: IT WAS ALL A SNOOZE.

Ginny & Georgia

In the words of my sister, better catch this one quick before that snowflake Taylor Swift cancels it. You might have heard about this show because they had a ONE LINER about “going through guys like Taylor Swift” and then Taylor decided to mount her white horse and try to take down the show and Netflix in one fell swoop. But here’s the real truth from the horse’s mouth. This show is actually one of those 2021 “woke” shows. It’s female-focused, it’s written by females and it tackles race, LGBTQ, self-harm, bullying, sex, relationships, crime AND MORE. It has a WHOLE lot going on for it to be shunned for a dumb throwaway joke. For those of you who might feel self-conscious about watching a teen-centric show, there is equal parts adult storylines that I actually really enjoyed. There’s a little intrigue and mystery of what the hell is going on with Georgia’s past to keep you going, plus she’s a mom with two kids from different dads, a VERY shady background and she has THREE babe sodas chasing after her. Basically Georgia is my hero. Get past the VERY cringeworthy virginity losing scene in the beginning between two fifteen year olds (seriously, one of the worst) and you’ll be off to the races. Also important to note: teenagers these days are basically the WERST. If I had to go through high school again, I’d KMS.

Eye candy for days though:

Moxie

This is 100% a teen feminist movie and naturally that’s the OPPOSITE of anything I’d be interested in and yet Amy Poehler created it and starred in it and I just love her so much that I gave it a go. Not an overwhelming recommend but also not the worst thing I’ve ever watched either. So basically I should be a film critic with that sentence. I was a little bitter when the girls all put their hands in a circle and chanted, “SI SE PUEDE” because that is a direct rip from classic DCOM “Gotta Kick It Up”, but otherwise there was a pretty adorbs first teen boyf storyline and Amy played *most obviously* the cool mom. I also feel that it is my duty to add that although I called the teen boyf storyline adorbs, their first date which led to their first kiss was the two of them laying in a LITERAL coffin together in a funeral home sharing ear buds. And that is not at all adorbs, that is a nightmare machine. Sry, girl. He can be the dreamiest feminist supporting your cause and telling you he wants to wait until the moment is right but if he snuggles with you INSIDE OF A COFFIN, it’s curtains on your relationship.

Pieces of A Woman

This was also nominated for a Golden Globe and I was really treating last weekend like I was screening the nominees before the big show…I also sensed it was going to be depressing AF and needed a good cry. It was real dark and real uncomfortable to watch. Not a recommend from me. The movie kicks off with the LONGEST home birth scene where I got a very realistic peek into what to expect when you’re expecting and I DON’T WANT IT. The lead was feeling nauseous while also having contractions and the amount of times that she burped or gagged, folks, we almost had a clean-up on aisle living room situation on our hands. I was feeling second hand retches just from watching. Unfortunately you watch this whole scene just to learn that the baby dies upon birth and the movie unravels the entire aftermath of that and follows the couple closely as they’re dealing with it. Hence: much discomfort. Shia LaBeouf plays a total scumbucket and although it’s not one of those artsy movies without a resolution, it reeealllyy didn’t feel resolved at the end.

Behind Her Eyes

The catalyst for writing this blog, I saw someone post a Facebook status about how the ending for this series was buh-nan-UHS and when I watched the trailer and got a little creeped out, I waited until daylight the following day to watch it so I wouldn’t crap my pants. AND BOY DID I WATCH IT. I watched all six episodes back to back in one sitting like the giant unemployed loser that I am. I just wanted to get to that ending. It was W I L D. I want to talk to everyone who will listen to me about it. The show starts out predictable and cheesy as hell with a guy sleeping with his secretary and the wife sneakily befriending her. Ho hum, Lifetime does this every weekend. Then all the sudden it was like invasion of the body-snatchers up in this B and I was all:

The ending blew my mind. Also SUUUUUPER dark. Not a happy ending in the slightest. Watch the following suggestion after this one to lighten things back up again. Also if you do watch this, get @ me so we can talk about that plot twist.

Nate Bargatze: The Tennessee Kid

So full disclosure, this is old but I just watched it for the first time the other night and I want to recommend it because in just a few short weeks, you’ll be able to watch a new special from Nate called The Greatest Average American. So basically I’m setting you up for a double feature of funny. I was strapping my lolerskates on to take a lap around my apartment after watching this special. At one point I repeated one of his jokes out loud TO MYSELF. I was watching by myself and acting like I was in a room full of people. Is that sad or is Nate just that funny? Don’t answer that. It’s the combination of his deep southern drawl and deadpan delivery for me. Looking forward to the next special. (Also if you’re into standup, 10/10 would also recommend Taylor Tomlinson’s special which came out about a year ago and kicked ass.)

BONUS:

This isn’t Netflix but I’ve also been all in on it (weekly, episodic) HBO Max has a documentary Allen V. Farrow featuring Mia Farrow and her 9000 children telling the story of their childhood and Dylan Farrow’s abuse from Woody as a kid. It’s obviously sanctioned by the Farrow family, not so much by Woody Allen. Mia filmed her children’s every moves so there’s a TON of original footage including the actual taping of Dylan first detailing the sexual abuse from Woody, which is incredibly disturbing. New episodes drop on Sunday nights. I want to make a zinger here but there’s really nothing funny about child abuse, especially when it’s one of the biggest filmmakers and he denies it still to this day. It’s pretty deplorable and credit to Dylan for making this documentary and telling her story.

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JUice

Weekly JUice

Week of 1/11/2021

1. I Couldn’t Help But Wonder…

satc

…If Sex and the City would keep coming back until they’re all in their graves. It was announced this week that Sex and the City is making a comeback to HBO and honestly the timing could not have been more perfect. I had just finished re-watching the whole series right at the same time. Big showed up and rescued Carrie from the garbage Russian and just like that this video hits social media.

First thing’s first, let’s address the drama in the room. Kim Cattrall AKA Samantha is OUT. After years of dumping on all the other girls, claiming they bullied her, claiming she never wanted to do the movies to begin with, rumors swirling that she only did them if the production company promised to move forward with her solo projects as well….in summary Kim’s kind of an a-hole and had been holding up the process. So they kicked her to the curb. And as the most inappropriate part of the foursome, can we really call it SEX and the City without Samantha? I gotta be honest, I’ve always seen re-runs of SATC on E! and had never seen the original unedited episodes until these past few months when I finally got HBO and decided to start from the top. OH BABY did this show make me blush. I had no idea what I was missing with all the editing. It’s a completely different show and Samantha is basically a soft-core porn star in it. It was definitely risque for the time period and let’s just quickly recall that by the end of the series, the characters were in their late 30’s and early to mid forties (I don’t know if we ever pinned down Samantha’s age.) Which brings me to my point about this revival. I think it’s time to call it quits. It was time to call it quits in the the second movie when a 50-60 year old woman was kicked out of Abu Dhabi for giving a blowie on the beach. I’m a fan of the show, the first movie was phenomenal because we got our Carrie wedding (and also epic wedding fail) but the second movie was trash and that’s typically when you let things go to die. This revival is a show or maybe short series I’m guessing because every streaming service needs a hot new thing to get people to sign up and empty their pockets but WHY. We’re missing 1/4 of the gal pals, they’re now older than dirt and we’re supposed to still want to hear them talk about sex? What is this Golden Girls After Dark? No thanks. I’m not sure how this appeals to the core audience of SATC other than to pull the nostalgia factor like EVERY OTHER UNWANTED REUNION ON THIS PLANET. I’m still going to watch it obviously but I will be VERY UNCOMFY with it. I mean…come on….

carriethenandnow

2. 100% A Cannibal.

armie

While we’re on the topic of sex, maybe Carrie and the girls can incorporate this hot topic in the reboot. Armie Hammer, actor and smoldering babe soda has recently created a wee bit of a riff in the interwebs for some DM’s of his that have been released. This is where things might get a little weird on The Salty Ju. Although I sat around a table at Wegmans when the Fappening occurred and passed celeb nudes around with my family members and I’ve covered a few of those nudes on here and become the go-to person my friends text for the uncensored version (proud of that one), I’ve never taken a face first dive into kinky DM’s. So this will be a first. Congrats to you all for being witness. So apparently there’s been some hints before to Armie being a real freak in the sheets. He’s recently divorced with two kids so I guess he’s full blown getting after it and one of his lady friends released these DM’s which according to many sources are legit:

armietexts

I’ve got real mixed feelings here. You know when he says “that just made me so hard and it makes me confused as to why”? That’s what “thinking of holding your heart in my hand and controlling when it beats” did to me. Is it weird? YUP. But would you not even BAT an EYELASH at this in a red hot read or a sexy Netflix movie? YUP TIMES A THOUSAND. CHICKS EAT THIS SHIT UP. There’s a reason 50 Shades of Grey was a freaking phenomenon. Hot and bothered women everywhere just want to be freed and get freaky with a hot guy. If it came out that Dustin Diamond was sending these DM’s to someone everyone would be like lock him TF up, but a Winkelvoss Twin? Now you’ve got a bunch of horned up and confused ladies. Do we like cannibals now? Is this a thing? The answer of course is no because cutting the heart out of living animal and eating it while it’s still warm is pre-crime shit and that’s when we come back down to earth and say mmm better not. Armie had us going for a moment there, though. I briefly considered what it would be like for his strong hands to control my heartbeat. Armie did not immediately respond to the whirlwind of DM’s that were sneaking out but unfortunately had to make a statement once the movie he was about to film cut him from the roster. Apparently JLo’s latest flick was NOT down with the cannibalism (what a bunch of prudes) and he was released and said the following:

Screen Shot 2021-01-14 at 11.18.16 PM

So I guess he just has more time on his hands to eat people and shit. #Don’tKinkShame

3. Sorry, Buuuuuuuuuuddy.

It’s unfortunate that I used the previous example of Dustin Diamond and then 8 hours after I wrote it, Screech’s team declares that he has cancer and is going through chemotherapy. Sorry I used you as an example of someone no one would ever want to have sex with, D Squared. Hope you can forgive me. Tough break to have cancer but on top of that Dustin also has shingles so he’s really been smited by disease. As another child star who went WAY off the rails, it sucks that he’s going through this but also he’s the type of guy that was CONSTANTLY trying to get headlines ever since the SBTB days so it’s kind of hard to feel like this is coming from a genuine place. He was the ONLY one not included in the woke reboot on Peacock probably due to the fact that he forayed into porn and bashed every single actor he ever worked with on the show. That’s neither here nor there to stand-up gent Mario Lopez who already made a statement:

What a guy. Does this mean all is forgiven and Screech will find his way back to the reboot? Only time will tell. PS: I burst out laughing when I read this exchange in the replies. Apparently real fans know who has stayed in touch and why…credit to Joe for keeping us all in check.

4. This Goes Out…This Goes Out to all the One Tree Hill Fans.

Former OTH heartthrobs James Lafferty and Stephen Colletti (LOL to refer to him as an OTH star when we all know where he got his start) created this show like 5 years ago and have been yapping about it constantly and trying to get it crowd-source funded to even shoot the damn thing. It’s concerning as hell that male leads for a primetime TV show that was on the air for 9 seasons can’t afford to shoot a few episodes of TV, but whatever, rabid fans made their tv show happen and after FOR-EV-ER it finally got picked up by Hulu. Add this to your watch list this weekend if you ever bought a Duke sweatshirt after Nathan Scott committed to playing basketball there only to wear it with MUCH disappointment while watching the end of season 4 where Duke rescinded the offer because he was point shaving…oh…was that just me? Whatever. I support this show but not enough to have given my own hard-earned dollars to a bunch of MUCH wealthier than me actors to get it made. So I’m glad we can now view it for free. This is what happens when there’s not a lot to report each week, I just make new show rec’s for your weekend of winter binging. You’re welcome.

5. The Demi Doc We ALL Need.

The minute I saw this I texted it to my friend with just YUSSSSSSSSSSSS, which really sums up my feelings on the matter. This is what we’ve been waiting for. I blogged about her first YouTube doc and how I loved every minute of it and learned so much about Demi being a total badass in the Disney days and obviously it’s no secret that I’m obsessed with her and spend a fair amount of time on this blog pretending I’m her BFF who likes to give unsolicited advice about her dating life. Honestly I’m so rabid for gossip and behind the scene deets about her life that March seems WAY too far away to wait for this. To get right to the elephant in the room, she obviously addresses her near death overdose.

Love that she’s using her platform to open up about her struggles but also keeping my fingers crossed that she drags that ex-fiance fame whore a little bit as well. It’s all about balance and sometimes you don’t always need to take the high road, Demi. Would love to hear what she thinks about him staging a cryfest photoshoot at the beach where he proposed after they broke up. Will report back in March when I 100% have a solo watch party with my girl Demi.

BONUS: Even the Olsen Twins Zoom.

Apparently MK had to do zoom court for her divorce and having a screenshot of her divorce proceedings over Zoom was easily the funniest thing I saw this week. You know I love to giggle at any current Olsen twins appearance because it’s like conjuring up dark magic. Who would’ve thought the girls who wore matching colored bandannas and sunglasses would turn into grim reapers but shout out to MK for giving us a GENUINE smile. Things are looking up for her post-divorce it seems. Her black turtleneck says I’m mourning this marriage but her face says I’M FREEEEEE!

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JUice

Weekly JUice

Week of 11/23/2020

 

1. Clifford the Big Red NIGHTMARE.

As if everything isn’t terrible enough, Paramount lays THIS SHIT ON US?! ARE YOU KIDDING ME?! I’ll say this until I’m underground NOT EVERYTHING CARTOON WORKS AS LIVE ACTION (insert clap emojis between each word, obv.) Cartoons are adorable and in this case nostalgic. As I write this right now, I’m watching a Mickey Mouse Christmas movie with my niece, who has blessed me with a spontaneous snuggle this morning. Would I EVER want to watch a literal dirty little mouse crawl around and yap about Christmas and Santa? No, that would be disgusting, mice are meant to live in the forest where I pretend they don’t exist and if they ever come near me I’ll kill them. (I’ll run away screaming and get someone else to kill them.) This is why Mickey Mouse and the gang are great. They’re adorable and they have silly voices AND THEY DON’T EXIST IN REAL LIFE. Is there a dog that is bright red and giant-sized in real life? No there is not because that dog would immediately be shot for being a terrifying mutation monster that could kill us all if we pissed him off. I mean look at this thing.

Even the red looks ridiculous. Has this giant dog been rolling in the blood of all the people it has trampled? This is a HORROR MOVIE. Paramount would be wise to pretend this never happened and go back to the drawing boards on this one. I’d love a Pixar-type Clifford. I can get down with an updated animated Clifford but this? This is a hard no for me. And to everyone who thinks live versions of every childhood classic are necessary–knock it off. Stop ruining our lives. To cleanse your palette, here’s a picture of an adorable normal-sized dog with natural coloring frolicking in real life snow with a wet schnoodle. Let it erase real life Clifford from your mind’s eye.

C3A2F7CC-B0FB-4355-A457-DC9C29B11E00_1_201_a5B4AF14A-AE1B-4CFC-92F9-7AE535C2493C_1_201_a

2. JLO. WHOA.

Most people are embarrassed when a nude is leaked and try to hide it or deny it, not JLo though. The Queen of all Queens was like hey I’ve got a new single, check out my rockin hot bod IN THE BUFF. And honestly? Yes, ok. I could stare at this photo until the end of time and constantly find something new to drool over. I mean, Holy Christmas. The muscle alone is enough to make me up my at-home YouTube workouts. Maybe tomorrow morning I’ll do more than a 10 minute stretch sesh that I’m sore from for 3 days after. Also, gentle reminder to anyone who might’ve forgotten: JLo is FIFTY ONE YEARS OLD. Ok, now that we’ve established that, and the fact that I don’t even care what this song sounds like because nothing will top this cover art, I DO have a little bone to pick (not to be confused with a boner, which I’m sure this photo stirred up in males & females alike.) Although I love when my girl JLo texts me–probably a little too much–I feel like I could use a little warning before I get an unsolicited nude. I really have to be in the right mindset to receive a naked pic of someone and that includes this babe soda. The last time JLo texted me was July 26th about her own birthday. That in itself is a little self-serving, but whatever, every girl should have the right to demand a HBD text. But that was 5 months ago. We’ve had a 5 month hiatus from “Hi Baby” texts and then you lay this nudity on me? KINDA JARRING. At least be like “Hi Baby, I’m about to send you a nude, so get READY!” Instead of just going full force after several months of radio silence. Idk, just a tip from one marketing professional to another. Take it or leave it. Also I felt like I was really in the trust tree there because I was the “first to see the cover” and then five minutes later it was blasted all over social. I feel cheap, bb.

3. The Grammys Are Corrupt, Apparently.

Nominations for the Grammys came out this week as well as the host announcement–Trevor Noah because obviously we need more politics tied into awards shows. It seems like not everyone is pleased. In particular, the Weeknd who I just yapped about a couple weeks ago for buying the Super Bowl halftime show. Apparently he can’t buy a Grammy, ZING. But seriously, apparently the Grammys have always been kind of a shitshow but they really didn’t do a great job of covering that up this year. Beyonce didn’t drop an album, she did a Lion King song and I guess hopped on someone else’s track and yet she’s walking away with the most noms. Something doesn’t add up here. So The Weeknd, who was slated to perform at the awards didn’t receive any noms, and therefore he’s like I’m OUT.

Peace out, homeslice! If anyone cares the rest of the nominations are HERE, if you’re like me you’ll either not recognize the songs or recognize them from TikTok dances. #OldPeopleProbs. The awards are airing January 31st and great news my family had enough about reading my no cable sob stories for red carpets and I’ll be getting a hand-me-down antenna this weekend so I can hook the ole bunny ears up just in time for awards szn.

4. Boycott Chapelle Show.

I expect 0% of my readers to watch this 18 min video of Dave Chapelle but it’s there as a reference if you’d like it. Otherwise, here’s the poop: Dave Chapelle was young and broke and signed a deal with Comedy Central for The Chapelle Show. It was a lame deal and he didn’t know any better and the network probs took advantage of the fact that he was poor and didn’t know how Hollywood worked. He realized that after a couple seasons of his show and peaced out, breaking his contract. Since he broke his contract, he doesn’t own his show or make any money off of it. Now streaming services have added his show into the mix and he’s mad that he doesn’t see any money from his body of work. He talked to Netflix and they took it down because they have a working relationship with Dave that I’m sure they don’t want to ruin. He talked to HBOMax and they were like nah, we good. So now Dave is asking his fans to boycott watching his own show until he starts making money off of it. So basically, this is EXACTLY what happened to Taylor Swift minus a doucheroni named Scooter. Here’s the deal, don’t sign a contract that hasn’t been vetted by a lawyer and also don’t get mad if you breach that contract and screw yourself over. HOWEVER, every creator should have the right to their own shit. Whether they buy that back later on in life when they’ve made the dough or they cut a new deal to get some residuals. If my INCREDIBLY well-written Weekly JUices were snatched up by a big biz blog and they were making money off of it but I wasn’t, I’d riot my face off. BUT ALSO, I’d ask someone smarter than me to look over a contract before signing it because I’m just a poor person who writes blogs and if anyone offered me pennies for my blog I’d be like yes sounds great where do I sign? Moral of the story here, I have significantly less money than both Taylor Swift AND Dave Chapelle and I’m very open to negotiations for my talents (of which there are so many, obviously.) Then maybe I could go to brunch and actually get food rather than just showing up to stunt an outfit on all of my haters and order a water. Also, let Dave buy his show and let Taylor buy her music. The end.

@thesaltyju

When you have a brunch wardrobe but not a brunch budget. 💁🏽‍♀️ #basicbitch #alittlebitalexis #poorpeopleproblems

♬ Therefore I Am – Billie Eilish

5. Are You Ok?

The Duke And Duchess Of Sussex Visit Australia - Day 3

Meghan Markle contributed this very well-written piece to the NY Times, where she reveals that her and Harry suffered a miscarriage. Of course, in addition to being this worldly and charitable creature, she’s a phenomenal writer as well. (I’m jelly as hell.) It’s a quick read and a nice reminder to ask people if they’re ok because they’re probably not. Especially this year. But then if you ask someone if they’re ok and they say no, don’t tell them to just get over it. That’s my own pro tip from the trenches of anti-ok.

BONUS: If you are not OK, here’s some Thanksgiving highlights that will hopefully bring you some holiday cheer. Cause nothing slaps harder than shoving your head into a turkey b-hole.

I hope that you were able to cram lots of snacks into your snackhole, bathe in gravy & boom roast Christmas Hallmark movies with your family like I did. If not, please enjoy my commentary on some Thanksgiving classics. I had a lame tweet get A LOT of action and a GREAT tweet about a new Goo Goo Doll face go under-appreciated. Also, my brother in law and dad turned off the dog show for football so they’re both dead to me. Countdown to Christmas begins MEoW!

I’m thankful for my family, who didn’t murder me when I took 16,000 boomerangs of the food that they were killing themselves to prepare for a business Instagram story that got 30ish views. LIFE OF A CONTENT CREATOR, YO. I’m also thankful that I belong to a crew that doesn’t believe in serving sizes. This was just a light snack 45 mins before the feast. Portion control is for wieners. You’re not doing Thanksgiving right if you don’t feel like you’re going to blow. Thank you for coming to my Ted Talk on being a lard.

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JUice

Weekly JUice

Week of February 24, 2020

1. MAN TAY.

The Man was such a throwaway song for me on Lover that I’m surprised it even became a single and yet at the same time I’m not at all surprised because Taylor is on a mission to be top dawg Feminist these days and she won’t stop until she reaches the top or in this case, dresses as a man to show why men stink. At first glance of this “man” I was like oh of course Taylor only casts hotties in her videos. Then no less than 30 seconds later I was appalled at myself as the camera zoomed in and I saw Taylor’s exact face with a beard on. So obviously since it’s a T.Swift music vid it has 90000 other clues and meanings and blah blah blah but I just seriously can’t get past the Man Tay. I mean look at the picture below that she posted. HOW CREEPY IS THAT. WHY WOULD YOU EVER ANGLE YOUR TERRIFYING PROSTHETIC FACE IN THAT HORROR MOVIE WAY?! Even if I was the hottest person on this earth, a cocked head and blank stare at the camera is a guaranteed way to give everyone nightmares and lead them to believe I want to turn them into a skin suit.

Anyway, once you get past that it’s a fun Wolf of Wall Street-esque FU to men everywhere and LDC, specifically. But not the Rock though. Because he’s a Tay supporter and therefore gets to voice the “man” and be a big hulking piece of feminist man meat. Anyway, I’m over it. If Cruel Summer isn’t the next single I’m going to hurl myself off a bridge and I don’t really think that’s being dramatic. PS LOL to Taylor thinking she fooled anyone into thinking that wasn’t really her by that BIG REVEAL at the end.

2. Butthole Eyes.

Syracuse’s favorite celebrity, Pete Davidson just dropped his Netflix special and it is THE BUZZ this week because rather than taking the high road post VERY PUBLIC engagement breakup, he got down on his belly and army crawled through the Ariana Grande ravines, using her name and star power as much as possible to draw attention to his probably otherwise forgotten standup special. Well it worked. And now I might even watch the special. Great PR work. Either way, the best part about it, is that he recognized the fact that Barstool called him Butthole Eyes and he’s pretty kewl with it. (Butthole Eyes is still top 5 of weird insults you could hurl at someone.) He has a good sense of humor and can clearly poke fun of himself. Maybe he could also explain how he keeps bedding super model babe after babe. Cause it’s really been a revolving door for him tongue-ing in public since Ariana left. I’m having a hard time keeping up.

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3. Friends Reunion Fakeout

This news is a week old but I didn’t do a JUice last week and I definitely feel the need to pop off about this. HBO Max announced that there will be a Friends SPECIAL with the original cast and it will be unscripted and BASICALLY IT’S JUST AN INTERVIEW WITH THE CAST OF FRIENDS. Maybe they’ll talk about their favorite episodes or tell behind the scenes stories or you know, do all the same shit they’ve been doing for the past 10 years but all together in one studio for a paid subscription network and this is straight bullshit. Anyone who saw this news and was like OMG THE FRIENDS REUNION WE’VE ALL BEEN WAITING FOR is dumb. This isn’t a reunion of the show. It’s a special with the cast. Relax. It’s a marketing tool to get more people to get yet another subscription and I’M NOT BUYING IT. Call me when Friends is back on Netflix.

4. GIVE US LIZZIE MCGUIRE. Speaking of dumping on streaming services that are all about the hype, less about the delivery, let’s talk Disney +. They amped up a Lizzie McGuire reboot with original cast and since I’m a Hilary Duff stan through and through, I was like YUP give me Disney +. Realistically what I did instead was ask my two year old niece if she’s seen the movie Frozen (knowing full well she hadn’t) thus leading her to beg for Frozen until her parents bought her Disney + which is the only place Frozen lives. Then I was like oh great, I’ve been meaning to get Disney +, sharesies?! So whose the real mastermind here. It’s always me and don’t you ever forget it. Either way, I now have Disney + and the only time I’ve used it is to watch the movie Cool Runnings. So all around giant waste of a streaming service. I’ve been waiting with baited breath for this Lizzie comeback. Well OF COURSE it’s delayed. They made a big stink about shooting in NY, then production halted and showrunners changed and now Hil is giving us some BTS scoop or rather shade…

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Seems like Disney + wants this to be a show for kids like the original and guess what, LIZZIE IS ALL GROWN UP NOW. She’s in her thirties and there won’t be an entire episode dedicated to her being to embarrassed to ask her mom for a bra (peep my Lizzie blog breaking that down HERE.) So someone who makes content for adults and doesn’t have a back catalogue of Muppet Babies needs to step in toot sweet so we can see Lizzie McGuire adult edition and there BETTER be a reference to her singing at the Colosseum with Paolo.

lizzie5. Be More Like Gaga.

This article (Click HERE for full article) is getting buzz and being tossed around the web lately. Basically a regular gal found out via social media (of course) that her ex boyfriend of 7 years is Lady Gaga’s new piece of the moment. She talks through the emotions we all go through of stalking your ex on social media and seeing who they move on with, comparing yourself, being a jelly belly or feeling threatened, etc. And she’s all HOW DO I COMPARE TO LADY GAGA?! Well for one thing, I bet you can’t take the word shallow and make it 12 syllables, but I digress… She then used this discovery to motivate her to live a cooler life and never say no to anything and just try to be a baller like Gaga is. And you know what? That’s more mature than I will ever be. Not only would I torture myself and nitpick all of the things my ex boyf who is dating a famous popstar is now doing, I would also try to make my life look cooler and that’s just petty human nature. Props to this girl for rising above it but her buying an expensive designer dress and getting a blowout because it’s what Lady Gaga would do just doesn’t cut it for me. Some of us don’t have the funds to live life like Gagz and we will instead just sit in our own bitterness refreshing Instagram to see what Gaga is doing with our ex boyfriend at 30 minute intervals every day. Also based on the fact that Gaga is engaged to a new man every few years, there’s really nothing to worry about here. Ya gurl Lindsay will realize the year of YES might only last 8 months. Double also, LG is really making news this week because after this article came out, she dropped her first single in 3 years. QUICK, LINDSAY, DYE YOUR HAIR PINK. Full disclosure, I didn’t listen to one second of this song so if it blows real hard, don’t @ me.

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