JUice

Weekly JUice

Week of 12/5/2016

1. Z | T | 50.

SHE’S BACK!!!!! Shoutout to my BFF and fellow Tay superfan, Lindsey for literally sounding the alarms as soon as this song dropped. I woke up to a text that said “ZAYN AND TAYLOR” and within seconds I had purchased the song on iTunes. That’s real marketing right there. Good for me it’s actually a banger because I would’ve been pezzzzed if I wasted $1.29 for something I could’ve illegally downloaded in just a few days.

2. Milo’s Arms for President. 

“Do you want me to keep going?” YESS MORE, MORE, MORE!!! Never ever stop doing pushups, Milo. Ever.

3. The Children are the Future.

Last week Jensen Ackles and Daneel Harris (better known as Rachel Gattina) had twins and named them THAT. Thing 1 and Thing 2 would have been more normal, tbh. ZEPPELIN BRAM AND ARROW RHODES?! IS THIS REAL LIFE? Reportedly, one is a girl and one is a boy. The world will never know which is which.

On the flip, Ashton and Mila had a son and named him Dimitri. Snaps for naming your child something normal.

4. 1D Update.

Lots of baby news this week–well this was actually last week’s news but I didn’t have time to rant about it last week and it’s obviously necessary. The next 1D baby has been announced and it’s out of left field. Liam who is like a total babe and pretty low-key (wasn’t pursuing a solo career) has *allegedly knocked up Cheryl Cole, who is like twice his age. WTF GUYS. HOW ARE YOU EVER GOING TO GET BACK TOGETHER IF YOU KEEP GETTING YOUR GIRLFRIEND’S PREGGERZ? Also, this news is TECHNICALLY not confirmed but like they went on a date and she’s like obviously housing a baby in there. It’s not like she’s wearing a tight dress and it looks like she had an extra taco at lunch. That right there is a baby belly.

5. Sex Stuff.

screen-shot-2016-12-08-at-10-32-58-pm

How would you like your O face plastered all over the internet to promote your movie? Yikes this is embarrassing. Almost as embarrassing as me scrambling to click & watch immediately. It was worth it though. Enjoy a newer version of another Beyonce cover and sneak peeks at what these two loaves of bread will cook up in theaters this Valentines Day.

(This is last on the list because I care more about that fire flames falsetto T&Z song than the actual movie that it was written for. Keeping my fingers crossed that they do a real music video instead of just editing together a bunch of scenes from the movie because it will be a real boner kill if I have to watch these two try to have chemistry while Zayn gets me pregnant with just one high note.)

 

Standard
JUice

Weekly JUice

Week of 6/13/16

1. Everyone’s all up on Taylor’s Jock AGAIN.

Screen Shot 2016-06-15 at 10.26.02 PMScreen Shot 2016-06-16 at 8.55.00 AMScreen Shot 2016-06-15 at 10.25.54 PMScreen Shot 2016-06-15 at 10.25.45 PMScreen Shot 2016-06-15 at 10.25.35 PM

Honestly, People.com FIND YOUR CHILL. These screenshots were all from the day that news broke of Tay smooching Tom Hiddleston and it was downright embarrassing that they covered their website with these headlines.In a much more laid back way than People, I’d like to offer up the opinion that this is a weird rebound choice, tbh. Also Calvin deleting insta pics and unfollowing Tay on Twitter is a liiiiiiitttle high school and kind of defeats the “a relationship ended and what’s left is mutual love and respect” tweet post-breakup. Still doesn’t mean we need 15 stories dedicated to dissecting it. Jus sayin.

2. This is better than The Notebook rain scene.

Damn, Nick! This was hawt. At first I was like k, why is this B writhing in a bed and crying. Seemed pretty dramats for a song about not banging someone. Then they bang in a luxury rich people shower. And when I say bang, I mean he banged the diamond necklace right off of her. Fist bump. Say bang again.

3. Mila & Ashton Baby it up round 2.

milaashton

There should probs be a Hollywood law that you can’t procreate again until we’ve seen the first one. Seriously, what’s with all the privacy people? Tay pecks someone and it spews into 15 different stories but we can’t even get one peek at your baby? (cough cough Gosling cough) Anyway congratszzzz guys, I’m sure it will be cute af with a bizarro name. Editors Note: I used the google and actually found some pics of lil Wyatt which makes my whole blurb on this a moo point (cow’s opinion) but I’m too lazy to retype it. She’s adorbs, of course.

4. Could these two be cuter?

The answer is no, of course not. SUH CAYUTE. While we’re at it with posting insta’s from the Buckster, he’s really been on fire this week closing it off with this nostalgic gem:

 

5. I’m going through Chad withdrawals.

There was no Bachelorette this week and therefore, no Chad. So while I ordinarily don’t include bach news on the JUice (unless it’s an inevitable break up that I predicted, lookin at you Chris Soules) I needed to include this for a good laugh. This is Chad watching himself for the first time on the show and enjoying it just as much as I did. What a performance he gave us this season. Only 3 more days until we see his grand finale. Can’t w8. Side note: If you need humor today as much as I do, check out his entire instagram. It’s gold.

Bonus:

#TheBachelorette re-voiced by kids.

A post shared by The Tonight Show (@fallontonight) on

Standard
JUice

Weekly JUice

Week of 5/2/16

1. THE KING IS BACK. 

When JT started teasing new music this week, I almost had to change my undies right on the spot. That’s how much I missed his beats. And him, in general. As I type this it’s Thursday night and I specifically stayed up 10 more minutes to hear it when it dropped at midnight. AND OBVIOUSLY IT’S FIRE FLAMES. When does summer officially start? May 6th. Put it in your science books because JT just started summer with this bangpiece. (Just so we’re all on the same page, we’re all pretending this isn’t a song for animated trolls.)

2. I mean, obviously.

Look I’m not a huge shipper of Gwen especially after she started dating Blake Shelton and the two of them tossed it in everyone’s faces constantly because they started banging on a show they both worked on (how original) but bring in Clooney and Julia Roberts and I’m sold. I mean seriously, I can’t sit still for 10 minutes without checking my phone or gazing off into space but these 10-15 minute carpool karaokes keep me riveted.

3. Let’s go back, back to the beginning. I follow the former Laguna Beachers on Insta specifically waiting for a moment like this. No seriously, if I unfollowed them and missed this it would sooook, which is why I put up with all the posts about how they’re so grown up and getting married and having babies and totally distancing themselves from when they were dumb high school idiots who threw bougie black and white parties and benefits at a hotel just so they could drink. Anyway, if this isn’t a teaser enough, something’s definitely brewing in the Laguna world with the B-list stars. I mean seriously…who invited Christina and Morgan to ever participate in anything entertainment related again? I’m also guessing JWahl is slumming it because his addiction appearances with Dr. Drew were drying up. Try all you want but ya’ll will never be LC. (Making Bambi inspired t-shirts for Kohls.) JK, JK. If you want to reminisce about Laguna before whatever this might be airs, check out my prized and well researched ‘Guna blog here.

And……. Here we go! @alexmurrel

A post shared by Jason Wahler (@jasonwahler) on

Let's go back … Back to the beginning 😜

A post shared by Alex Johnson (@alexmurrel) on

4. A peek into my future if I have accidental kids. Female ensemble comedies are all the rage these days and here’s a new one about being shitty moms who like to party.

5. Tha Carters bathe in money. Beyonce dropped Lemonade a couple weeks ago about how Jay cheated on her, essentially cashing in on the ‘vator scandal. And everyone’s like ooohhh ahhhh, Jay-Z better WATCH HIMSELF. Uh, CTFD, this is obviously a business plan and part 2 is Hova’s response album. Cha ching, cha ching TIIDAALLLLLL. I wouldn’t be surprised if Blue hopped in the studio next for an exclusive Beyhive Jr. album. Anyway, I approve wholeheartedly. The world is a better place for getting to hear marital drama play out on spicy new songs. Plus the graphic tee world needed a refresh from all the “But first, coffee” tees and “Becky with the good hair” is a fine place to start. So thank you, Illuminati.

BONUS:

Their eyes are photoshopped right? Either way, Team Logan 4ever.

Standard