JUice

Weekly JUice

Week of 7/26/2021

  1. Sit Down, Bennifer.

JLo turned 52 over the weekend and decided to gift the world with the very first public PDA declaration of Bennifer 2.0. And obviously I didn’t handle well. If you need a quick refresher on how I feel about this “relationship”, please rewind back to this rant. To be perfectly honest, a yacht smooch does not a legit relationship make. I’m still firmly in the camp that this is a whirlwind publicity stunt, but now that she’s gone IG official it appears as though we can no longer avoid this leap downward in the rebound dept for your girl. I mean LOOK AT THIS BODY. SHE IS FIFTY TWO. I just recently went on a quest to find a pair of relaxed fit jeans that don’t slice my gut in half and beelined it straight to the table labeled “mom jeans.” I’m thirty. JLO IS FIFTY TWO.

I’m ashamed to admit how much I watched that video in awe and adoration. She is a specimen. And she’s going back for sloppy Ben Affleck? COME ON. Do I appreciate the unlimited amount of internet jokes (highlighted below) that are coming from this reunion? Absolutely. But as her close personal friend, I believe that JLo can do a million trillion times better. If she had the common decency to text me the pic before posting it, I would’ve obviously been like bestie…don’t do it. Walk it back. Girls always like a little feedback before posting a bold pic and I just wish Jen came to me with this. Now that it’s out there, there’s no going back. Live it up on a yacht, have birthday sex, what have you, but when y’all go back to real life and you can’t party it up and you keep having to stare at that GIANT colored scorpion tat that covers Ben’s back as you spoon him (JLo is OBV big spoon) and you cannot possibly drink another damn Dunks icey…this rebound is going to crash and burn in epic fashion. And who’s gonna be there to put the pieces back together? Me, obviously. Shoot me a text and I’m there in a minute. I’ll awkwardly pet your ass on a yacht any day of the week and twice on Sunday gurl…while also shouting TOLD YA SO.

2. Dirty Birdies.

In news no one ever asked for, Ashton Kutcher and Mila Kunis aren’t super into the whole bathing thing. Good ole Dax has the two on his podcast and they make a comment about how they only give their kids a bath if they can see dirt on them and it spiraled real quick to Ashton revealing that he only washes his pits & bits and occasionally his face if he’s hit the gym. DIIIIIIIIRTBAG alert! Coming from someone who openly picks her nose, that’s saying a lot. At least I clean myself on the reg. These two can be casj all they want about how they grew up without a lot of water or soap takes away natural oils or WuTeVa. They’re a coupla dirty hippies who probably reek of BO and that’s the bottom line. I typically give myself ONE day a week (may have exaggerated to a few days a week during Covid) where I do not shower. It’s usually Sunday and that’s why it was dubbed No-Shower-Sunday many moons ago, patent pending. I sit around and do almost nothing all day, sometimes if we’re getting really crazy, I’ll toss on a pair of fresh unds and hit the grocery store. At at the end of No-Shower-Sunday, without fail, I feel like Pigpen. I wonder if there’s squiggly lines on my face and clouds of dirt surrounding my body mid-air because that’s how disgusting I feel. That’s after 24 hours without a shower. CAN YOU IMAGINE just never washing your body? Like slapping a little soap into your crevaces and calling it a day? I wonder if their kids first words were “Whore’s Bath.” Clean it up, you two.

3. N*SYNC 4Eva.

Celebrity stands the test of time. Also this hit hard. This album is 20 years old, which means my one and only N*SYNC concert was roughly 20 years ago and AM I 100?! I love that JT released a deep cut BTS moment from the Gone music video. Pretty much sums up his leading lady existence with the band. They’re all hanging around on a music video set and he’s like hey guys pay attention to me and my beat boxing. I ate that shit right up though. What I didn’t love is everyone pretending Lance and JT were feuding because of this Tiktok:

JT commented on it and was like lolz you’ll understand when you have kids and Lance responded “touché” WOWOWOWOWOWOOOW FEUD OF THE CENTURY. Everyone shut up. The remaining members of N*SYNC are out here hustling for a paycheck doing Pop 2K tours at local bars and collabing with BSB on TikTok. They’re on a grind. They don’t have that JT money, honayyyyyy. LET THEM LIVE. Everyone is just getting their bread and if they occasionally need to call out JT for clout then so be it. Now enjoy that new hotness on the streets, BackSync.

@ajmcleanofficial

Back sync rehearsals last night. Little bts for y’all. Great night tonight. #pridemonth🏳️‍🌈 #trevorproject let’s go!!

♬ original sound – AJ McLean
@lance

I know it’s #BoybandWars and all, but It’s only fair I share the BTS of a #BSB song also. And now I’m craving @burgerking! #BackSync #SyncStreet

♬ original sound – Lance Bass

4. Free Britney’s Nipples.

It appears as though #FreeBritney has gotten way out of hand. It started with a woman standing up for herself and ousting her grimy father from running her life and then Brit started to get REAL mouthy on Instagram calling family members out. And now here we are. Nip City: Population, Brit. The first photo (above) was posted and everyone was like YASS QUEEN FREE THE NIP GO OFF SIS TAKE BACK YOUR LIFE AND YOUR FREEDOM AND LET DEM TITTIES HANG. And then four days later we got this:

And people were more like lol yes girl totes 😬 embrace it…and another two days go by and now we’re getting the nipz in vid form:

And the people have TURNED. Comments are suddenly like “I don’t think this is her posting it.” And honestly that’s the real conundrum here. Knowing that Britney Spears isn’t even allowed to drive or go see her gyno without her dad’s supervision, it is VERY unclear who runs her social media. Can we confidently say this is 100% authentic Britney flashing them milk bags on IG every few days? No we cannot. But if WE COULD, this is not helping her case. Which is also why it would be strategic as hell for whoever runs her account to make her look like she’s going off the rails again and shouldn’t be released from creep daddy Jamie’s clutches. LOTS TO THINK ABOUT HERE. But also please for the love of God flopping your sloppy yabbos around, half covered with your massively chipped nails, featuring rolled over COJ’s like it’s 2002 AIN’T 👏 IT 👏 SIS!

5. Lady Gaga with an Italian Accent.

This movie has been hyped HOARD. The first photo that Lady Gaga put out of her and Adam Driver looking like 80’s Aspen royalty had everyone salivating over this movie. And after watching that trailer of essentially 10 words total and a whole lot of music and text, I’m gonna go out on a limb and say there’s probably absolutely no substance to this movie. It’s apparently about the murder of Maurizio Gucci–taken out by a hitman hired by his ex-wife. Love a murder movie. Love an Italian mob movie. But judging by the flashiness of this trailer and the way they’ve been teasing the costume looks, I feel like they’re trying to distract us from a shitty flick. I’ll still watch it, obviously…but I’m not about to get fired up over someone cutting together a bunch of scenes and Lady Gaga tossing an Italian accent into the mix. As someone who grew up on The Lizzie McGuire Movie and had unrealistic expectations that I would be swept away by an Italian popstar on my semester abroad, I’m no stranger to the white singer/actress doing an Italian accent. Hilary Duff’s was out of this world bad and even she owns up to it.

“O0oo are yooou going to believe? Dis boy yoooou know your whole life?” Gets me every time. Anyway, I’m not saying Lady Gaga was this bad, but I’m also not not saying that either. It’s difficult to nail an Italian accent without sounding like Nintendo’s Mario and/or Luigi and I applaud them all for going hard in the paint but it still was a little cringey to watch. Cue every movie critic ever coming at me for my hot takes on this movie full of A List actors. But whatevs, I calls it like I sees it. Plus I took Italian for 4 years. Guess what I sounded like? A dumb American trying to have an Italian accent and mispronouncing 90% of their language. Props on the physical transformation for Jared Leto though. Definitely would not have guessed that was him had they not smashed it in our faces a bunch of times. Ciao.Ciaociaociaoooooo.

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JUice

Weekly JUice

Week of 6/21/2021

  1. #FreeBritney

IN case you didn’t hear, Britney finally piped up at trial this week, begging to end her conservatorship. If I HAD to guess, I’d say she’s pretty sick of everyone else in the world speaking for her and decided it was TIME. I don’t want to credit her bravery directly to myself, but I *DID* wear my Britney graphic on Wednesday to send the positive vibes her way and I definitely think she felt them. She admitted on the stand that she has been miserable and depressed and has been pretending for social media that she’s loving life (uh, yeah, you and the rest of us Brit…that’s what Instagram is for.) JK, in all seriousness, her dad has been controlling every aspect of her life including FORCING HER TO KEEP HER IUD IN SO SHE CAN’T HAVE KIDS. Woof times a billion. Obviously now that she’s spoken out, the #FreeBritney crew is multiplying, bringing in celebrities left and right. Ya girl Brit has been controlled by her creepy dad for 15 years (and heavily medicated), but now it’s trendy to declare FREE BRITNEY so everyone is piping in now as if clout will free her. AND WHO IS THE BIGGEST CULPRIT BUT NONE OTHER THAN JT. After his LAAAAAAAME apology (see me NOT accepting said apology here) where fedora in hand he tried to apologize for trampling Britney to get famous, he decided to pop back out again and pretend to be her advocate:

Total classy move bringing Jess into the mix to look like a united front but PEOPLE DON’T FORGET, JT. Seems a little too convenient and thirsty to be making a public statement like this to hop right on the Free Britney movement. I don’t accept x2 now. Sorry not sorry JT remains on my shit list. (Again, can be quickly solved with a hot new bop.) ANYWHO, the details Britney revealed were ALARMING and the fact that she literally compared her living situation to a sex trafficking situation and that her father LOVES control, CAN WE SERIOUSLY JUST END THIS SHIT NOW?! Even if it turns out that Britney has severe mental health issues and does need assistance, THIS AIN’T IT. Give the lady her life back for Pete’s sake. Here was her post-trial statement, which is depressing as hell. Girl needs to pretend everything is ok because if she doesn’t, she’s dealing with a soul-crushing reality.

2. Bad Habits

Ed hasn’t released music in several years, went off the grid, got married and had a baby and now HE BACK. And WHAAAT a weird way to come back. Sure, the song is catchy and a nice little summer bop, but this isn’t the Ed we’ve come to know and love. That Ed gives us swoonworthy love songs or Irish jigs full of fast catchy lyrics and raps accompanied by him busting his ass on a loop pedal. This Ed gives us club beats and a terrifying music video. Is Ed pandering to the youths now? If so, I OBJECT. I appreciate the full cinematic effort for the music video because I love being taken on a visual musical adventure EXCEPT when it involves vampires and hordes of people just deflating in front of our very eyes. YOIKES. I remain hopeful that he did this just to make a splash and whatever follows will be more OG Ed. In the meantime, I’ll be looking up tutorials on how to get those glitter eyes for post-covid nights out this summer. 

3. Deuces, Conan

After a 28 year run, Conan is retiring from the late-night game. I accidentally stumbled upon his last show last night and it was a delight. I’ve never really been a late-night regular viewer but I’ve enjoyed clips and bits on the ole internet after the fact. Conan had a nice farewell speech about how when you find the intersection between stupid and smart, that’s when the real magic happens. I like to think that’s exactly what I’m aiming for on this blog and with my various idiotic videos or self-deprecating stories so it’s always comforting to see when someone can make an entire living off of being a goofy moron. (TBS, call me, boo.) Regardless of my future as a celebrity, Conan had Jack Black on as his final guest and we were treated to an original ditty. The night prior, he smoked weed with Seth Rogen. Just kings doing king shit. God it must be nice to get paid to do whatever you want on cable. Not sure why he’s retiring, TBH, but proud of him for going out with a bang, once he realized which way the joint should face (are Conan and I the same person?!)

4. That’s Enough, Netflix.

Ok, we’ve officially given Netflix WAY too much leeway in original content. We all binged Love is Blind & Joe Exotic and once they saw the straight trash that we would eat right up, they REALLY LET IT RIP. Introducing, SEXY BEASTS. Netflix took Love is Blind and added BESTIALITY. And for that reason, I’m out. SINCE WHEN DID WE NORMALIZE WEARING PROSTHETICS TO SPICE UP GAME SHOWS?! That dolphin will straight up haunt my nightmares until the end of time. At one point in my life, it was a dream of mine to swim with Dolphins. I am now aggressively blacking that off of my bucket list as I look at this cross-eyed porpoise trying to find love with HORROR. I get the concept that they’re trying to push here ad nauseam via dating shows…find love based on WHO the person is not WHAT they look like. And here’s what I have to say to that…if I’m not attracted to you, I’M NEVER GOING TO LOVE YOU. Like cut the shit, get off of your high horse and stop pushing this unrealistic narrative. ESPECIALLY because they cast this show with ALL ATTRACTIVE people. You cannot possibly rant and rave about how love should be about the person when you’re ONLY hiring hot people for this show and then covering them in creepy ass masks to make the other hot person in a creepy ass mask FEAR that they’re possibly dating an uggo. The worst part about this is Twitter LIT up with commentary on this trailer, which means they’ll all tune into the show because you no longer need to make GOOD content, it just needs to be compelling enough for us to trash talk it on Twitter. Therefore, the ratings for this beast will be top notch which will then perpetuate it into infinity season on Netflix. God I hate Hollywood.

PS, if you willingly kiss someone in a furry prosthetic mask, you should go to jail. I don’t make the rules but I did just make that one because watching two creatures attempt to kiss made me want to rip my eyeballs out of my G-D skull.

5. November 19th.

I think we all needed a week to process the fact that the much discussed but never heard 10 minute long All Too Well will be in our hands November 19th. I think it’s also incredibly important to note that although I stan All Too Well as the best breakup song of AWL time and Red was my FAVORITE Taylor album…I do not support this re-release garbage she’s been peddling. I stand by the fact that this is a tacky thing to do. Taylor most certainly DOES NOT need anymore money and to re-release each one of her albums with all of this fanfare and associated merchandise is highway robbery. I totes understand the sentiment of making a statement against Scooter Braun and Scott Borchetta and owning the work that you spent so many years creating. But to profit off of it twice over is bullshit. Sorry, Tay, I gotta keep it real. I did not buy Fearless (Taylor’s Version) because I already own the EXACT same album and guess what, the “new” songs that came from the vault I RIPPED OFF OF YOUTUBE SO, HA. I bought a Taylor Swift Lover tee for 11 bucks at Target so it’ll be a dark day in hell when I ever pay $45 PLUS SHIPPING to get a t-shirt off of her website. And you bet your ass that when this Red (Taylor’s Version) drop hits right before holiday season, I’ll be saving my pennies and acquiring the new All Too Well in frowned-upon ways so that my niece and nephew can get Christmas presents this year. Taylor EASILY could’ve used this moment in her life as an example, re-recorded all of her albums and had all of the proceeds go to a charitable cause because she’s a BAJILLIONAIRE but she made the sound decision to pocket all this dough instead. Whatever, you do you, girl, but I will not be directing my hard-earned cashola toward re-purchasing things I already own. Sorry bout it. I will, however, learn all ten minutes of the new All Too Well and sob-scream it in full though and that’s worth more than any dollar on this earth.

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JUice

Weekly JUice

Week of 2/8/2021

1. Surprise, Bitch.

Anyone who knows me personally and/or has read even one sentence of this blog knows that I’m a Taylor stan but what some of you might not know is that I keep it real with Tay. I love her music, I love her genius marketing and I love her dramatics. But I can also call her on her shit. And when the word was making the rounds that she was appearing on GMA Thursday morning for a surprise announcement, my immediate reaction was no more surprises, plz. Like enough is enough Taylor. There’s only so much a girl can take. Folklore was amazing, Evermore was not and I put it on record that if her next surprise was a third album of wrist-slitters, I was OUT.

I completely forgot that while she was writing the most depressing music of her life, she was also re-recording her life’s work up until Lover. Taylor Swift is 9 trillion percent the type of person that goes on vacation, sits on the beach for exactly 3 seconds and then says she needs to do something else because she’s bored. Never one to take a chill pill of course her surprise announcement was the re-release of Fearless…but WAIT THERE’S MORE…she added 6 songs FROM THE VAULT like she’s Walt Disney up in this bitch. LISTEN TO THEM NOW OR THEY’LL GO BACK INTO THE VAULT….FOREVER.

Also gurl couldn’t even actually be live for the “SECRET ANNOUNCEMENT”?! Next time just post the scripted marketing video right to your socials. What’s the point of even including GMA in this bullshit? Obviously I’m not holding back anymore. I’m all for her re-recording her old stuff to feel empowered and feel ownership over her songs. I’ve obviously talked everyone’s ear off about this issue at this point so you should know that I see both sides of the coin here. Taylor is an artist who writes her own songs and has a massive amount of creative control over what she puts out into the universe (which is rare these days) and yet she also signed a contract giving those rights away to a record company. Real Catch-22. Scooter’s obviously a dick for selling the rights to her music and not even allowing her the opportunity to buy them back. So do it up girlfran, re-record old songs, release shit from the mysterious Taylor vault (especially that uncut All Too Well) but ALSO don’t expect me to be emptying my pockets for 100 new songs from you. I am THE MOST unemployed. I cannot handle any more of this. Every time she drops a record she drops 6 weeks of new merch with it, and guess what? I want it all. But I’M NOT MADE OF MONEY. And that’s where I start to get REAL annoyed. It’s one thing to take back your rights and #Feminism and all, it’s another thing to expect your fans to not listen to 10+ years of your music ever again because you no longer own it. That ain’t our fault.

Obviously Taylor loves her surprises and clues so she just had to code April 9th into the above message, which is when we’ll get the whole album. Again. I will not be re-buying each and every album, especially if they’re going to ALL SOUND EXACTLY THE SAME AS THE MUSIC SHE ALREADY SOLD US 10 YEARS AGO. WHAT IS DIFFERENT ABOUT THIS “VERSION?”

2. Say It Louder for the People in the Back…FREE BRITNEY

Paparazzi are the SCUM of the earth. Unless of course they’re taking pictures of Ben Affleck dropping his Amazon packages and Dunks.

The NY Times dropped a doc about Britney Spears last weekend and it has been ALL THE RAGE on social media. As I am a pop culture expert and a self-proclaimed doc aficionado (look no further than my doc rundown from quarantine) it’s almost as if this one was made just for me. For those of you who don’t remember, the #FreeBritney movement sparked up over the summer after superfans of Brit declared that she was using her social media to throw smoke signals that she is being held against her will in a conservatorship. For close to 15 years, her dad has run her life and her finances, claiming she’s mentally unfit to do so. And something about this is A LOT fishy, and yet we literally have NO proof of foul play here. So this doc is essentially an hour and fifteen minutes of assumptions and hearsay that Britney needs our help to set her free. And for that reason, and many more that I will detail for you at length because this is my platform and I can say whatever I want, I will tell you that the doc is interesting and I recommend watching it if you’re intrigued by the topic, but I wouldn’t say it’s a well-done, critically acclaimed doc. First and foremost, we’ve got one of the BIGGEST media sources in the world making a documentary about how the media is bad. And that is R I C H. The narrative that they’ve formed is that Britney has been treated like garbage by the media for her entire career and essentially that’s what got her in this current jail-type situation. Are the NY Times feeling a little guilty for playing a part in her demise and making this doc as penance? Perhaps. Or are they feeding right into their own story by using their platform to tell a story that maybe isn’t true….KINDA MAKES YOU THINK, NO? In response to this, the media has been demanding apologies left and right, trying to cancel anyone who shit on Britney during her breakdown…which again has turned out to be top notch entertainment. Pot, meet Kettle. (I say this with the MOST self awareness in the world because this very blog is 100% a part of the problem and I wholeheartedly accept that. I find celebrities and pop culture fascinating and I’m going to spout my opinions about it all–salacious or not. But I’m also never going to hop right up on my high horse and be like YOU ARE ALL WRONG, WHAT I’M DOING DOESN’T COUNT, YOU BETTER APOLOGIZE OR ELSE!!)

Other than me critiquing the big bad Media for being a bunch of big booty big ole hypocrites, the parts that I found most interesting about this doc were the flashbacks to OG interview clips. Watching those as an adult was a real eye opener. I loved Brit and I loved N*SYNC and my pre-teen ass never gave a second thought to creepy old men reporters asking about her boobs and her sex life or GASP Justin Timberlake doing her DIRTY by trampling her to boost his solo career. My guy JT did NOT look good in this doc, I’ll tell you that. Not sure how I missed him announcing on a radio interview that he banged Britney but YOIKES that was rough. You know what else was rough? How creeptastic Brit’s fans are. Doing podcasts dissecting her instagram photos, showing up at the courtroom to picket, I mean these guys are really giving the Taylor stans who have WHITEBOARDS full of clues to guess what surprise is next a run for their money. And last bu certainly not least in my hot takes…a pro tip: including certified creep Matt Lauer in any capacity is a HUGE strike here. How are we supposed to be on your side when you’re giving a rapist air time? You can get back to me on that one, NY Times. Anyway, got carried away there. Basically just transcribed the whole doc (spoiler alert lololol.) The point is, watch this doc if you want to see how maybe the LEAVE BRITNEY ALONE guy wasn’t so crazy after all, but also keep in mind that absolutely no one in the Spears family sanctioned this doc or contributed to it and therefore it’s about as reliable as a fan TikTok. But still, #FreeBritney.

PS: There was another trial for her conservatorship this week and in a minor victory, Brit was able to secure a bank as co-conservator of her finances so that her dad doesn’t have his greasy hands on it solo dolo. This is good news but what would be GREAT news is if that rat Jamie Spears was banished from this country and stopped pilfering all of his daughter’s money and controlling her every move, allegedly.

3. A Drunk Goat.

Tom Brady won the Super Bowl…for the seventh time. The parade was this week in Florida where if you haven’t been keeping up, Covid doesn’t exist so IT’S PARTY TIME, BAYBAY! And Tommy Football let looose. They had a boat parade, which if you ask me is the best kind of parade. Nothing tops day drinking ON THE PONTOON in the sun. After this video of Tom being walked off the boat surfaced, the drunk content just started piling in and it brought me immense joy. This guy is a specimen. He is in his 40’s and looks better now than he did when he was 20. He is on a strict diet and workout plan so that he can continue to dominate on the football field and you know what? HE DESERVES TO GET WHITE GIRL WASTED ON A BOAT. Before you chirp me, I’ve already heard the stories that he wasn’t actually drunk or that he was faking it for lolz and I will hear none of it. Sloshed Tom Brady makes me happy and YOU CAN’T TAKE THAT FROM ME. LET US HAVE IT. He’s stumbling around with that goofy shit-eating grin, tossing the Lombardi trophy over open water like it’s one of his kid’s toys and posing for the ‘gram with his goon squad. He is an American treasure.

And the above video begs the question…how many times was my dad carrying me as a small child while also absolutely trashed. LMK, Den. Over/Under 10?

4. Roast City, Population: Wendy’s.

Since I rambled real hard above, I’ll close out the JUice this week with fun things on the internet that gave me a case of the giggles. Since we typically hear about social media blunders and people who run big brand accounts getting fired for being racist or inapprops, I thought it would be nice to spotlight the opposite. The team or individual that runs the Wendy’s Twitter is killin it as they kicked off #NationalRoastDay with a bunch of sick burns to big brands and nobodies alike. If you wanted to get twitter bitch slapped, all you had to do was tweet at Wendy’s yesterday to take yourself down a peg. Here’s a collection of some of my favorites. Feel free to search #NationalRoastDay on Twitter for them all. Wendy’s: known for their Frosty’s, nuggs & brutal zingers. That little redhead is a FIRECRACKER.

5. I Am Not a Cat.

The only Zoom faux pa that had me laughing out loud and that is 1. because of those dramatically sad cat eyes roaming all over the joint and 2. because this guy had to LITERALLY say he’s not a cat. WELL GOLLY GEE WILLIKERS ROD, I THOUGHT THE PANDEMIC HAD TRANSFORMED YOU INTO A CAT WITH VERY MOIST CARTOON EYES. How Jerry and H. Gibbs (what a rich professional name) didn’t hysterically laugh at this is beyond me. I cannot for a second hold my facial expressions, which is why I can’t stand the Zoom life but these two put on a CLINIC of keeping their faces neutral while ole Rod dug himself deeper into the kitty litter box. Not so funny, meow is it?!

Thanks for the chuckles this week, internet. It was much appreciated. Actually, thanks for the chuckles this week, world. Cause my trip to Hobby Lobby yesterday beCAME very eventful when I stumbled upon this treasure and snickered my face off in the aisle like the immature 12 year old boy that I am. Why anyone would choose to hang this in their home is beyond me but hope you all COME without warning this weekend. Happy Valentine’s Day. ❤

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