Red Carpet

AMA’s Red Carpet 2018

I tuned into the AMA’s to watch badd bitch Tay throw a ton of side eye and dramatic arm drops and let me tell you, she delivered. It’s no surprise she was my favorite look of the night as well. It IS surprising how generous I was for a group of hooligan youths at an awards show that’s all fan-voted though.

WORST

ashleeevan

I’ve seen Ash look better and to be honest I’m pretty sick of her top knot (I watch her reality show and she rarely takes that thing out) and I think it goes without saying that flood pants and a blazer over a bare chest is a hard no, Evan.

beberexha

This is the kind of red carpet look where you question the team of stylists around you and who told you this was awards show worthy. The hair and dress are god awful.

cardib

This is Cardi B. Obviously bitch is loud in everything that she does including chirping and clucking like a goddamn loon instead of speaking actual words. I almost hate it so much that I love it. Almost.

dualipakelsea

Knocked out two worst dressed in one pic. One in a terrible wedding dress and the other in a bee/zebra inspired costume.

khalid

Will 80’s mom ever be chic on a black man? Chuckin the deuces really added to the overall look thooo.

leighton

Cruella deWaldorf

chloehalle

Oh, look! It’s the new music act: creepy twins who wear matching cloaks!

kylerichards

How this bid weaseled her way onto a red carpet is beyond me but she looks like a Vegas show girl and that is the most obvious.

poppy

What.The.Shit.

postmalone

This is the face of rap today. This guy. What did we do to deserve this?

camilacabello

This is so so so so boring. Also unrelated but kind of related to the hate I’m feeling toward this outfit: that song Havana makes me wanna rip my ears clean off my head. Double also, tailor your pants.

tyra

SHINE BRIGHT, SHINE FAR…get this stupid outfit off Tyra, you’re not a Barbie magically brought to life, you’re a real human wearing a pompom as a skirt paired with a pirates shirt.

BEST

amberheard

Kind of a random celeb to be at this caliber of awards show but at least she looks good!

carrie

Classic bump pic where you can’t even see the bump. Oooh but she giving us that leg, guuuurl.

chainsmokers

These two have v. punchable faces but damnit credit where credit is due with some spicy suits and funky shoes.

cobietaran

COBIE! GET IT BOO! Robin Sparkles indeed.

halseygeazy

These two typically look like giant assholes so props for announcing they’re back together via red carpet and also looking fly as hell. G Eazy is pulling off those leather pants and Halsey isn’t wearing silk lingerie for once!

jjd

Ultimate pony sass.

jlo

There really are no words for JLo’s hotness anymore. Just assume she will forever be on the best dressed because she’s a babe soda who never ages.

ramimalek

I’m into this picnic jacket and I don’t really know why.

shawnmendes

Seriously people stop doing the peace sign on the red carpet. You look like a dweebosaurus. Other than that, well done!

TR

TR. What a cutie patootie.

tracee

I guess I was feeling extra generous tonight because I imagined her to be wearing something so much worse that when I saw this I was like ok, you’re good.

VanessaHudgens

Daaaaammmn.

zedd

SPARKLE JACKET ALERT.

taytay

I mean. Come on. I need those boots and I needed them yesterday. Well, the whole outfit will do.

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Television

Pilot Szn 2018

I feel like I haven’t done this in a while and I’m trying to jazz up The Salty again, so I’ve taken my precious time and dedicated it to watching all of the new shows (so far) this Fall season. There’s a chill in the air, I’m finally not working on Saturdays and Sundays and I’ve glued my bhole to the couch to watch some new TV all weekend long. It’s all for you. So that you don’t have to be bothered watching a show that is TERRIBLE (all sitcoms) and you can just focus on getting into the good good. Keep reading for my educated takes based on a single thirty or sixty minute episode.

SKIP:

Single Parents, ABC, Wednesdays 9:30p EST

single-parents

I should’ve known this was gonna be a no right from the start because of how many kids are in this cast photo but wishful thinking I was like well it’s the creator of New Girl and maybe they’ll just focus on the adult story lines. NOPE. The premise here is that Will (Taran Killam) is the nerd dad who tries too hard and embarrasses his daughter and pretty much everyone around him. The other parents try to help him get laid and make him cooler but there is a LOT of Moana singing and overacting and because it’s 2018 the black kid is gay and loves dancing and fashion. PROGRESSIVE. In summary, this show sucks and not even Brad Garrett could save it, which I had high hopes for.

I Feel Bad, NBC, Thursdays 9:30p EST

I Feel Bad - Season Pilot

This one’s Amy Poehler produced (there’s always something to draw you in) and it screams FEMINIST TV. Nothing wrong with that. If it was funny I’d be down. The idea is that moms/women in general have guilt and feel bad about every single thing in life and how to ignore that and be a baller, basically. Embrace the chaos. Emet is raising three kids, working in video games as like the only woman and trying not to turn into her mom. Story lines were decent, but the jokes just weren’t all there. A main feature of the pilot was her daughter quitting quiz show to join the dance team and today’s youths being a buncha booty-shakin hoes has never been more prevalent. WHATEVER HAPPENED TO TUTUS?! WHEN I WAS THAT AGE I DANCED TO THE SONG LOLLIPOP STRAIGHT OUTTA 1948 WITH A BONNET PINNED TO MY HEAD.

dance

And this is the future here, folks:

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Be afraid. Be very afraid. Also, props to the only line in the pilot that made me laugh out loud, “Our daughter’s milkshakes brought all the boys to the yard. Literally.”

The Cool Kids, Fox, Fridays 830p EST

The-Cool-Kids-Fox

Friday show, kiss of death, AMIRITE?! This was supposed to be hyped because it’s got a huge comedian/variety show cast from like 1965 or something. Basically it takes place in an old folks home and the boys don’t want to let a girl into the club after their friend kicks the bucket. Not JUST a girl. A ginger. Just kidding her hair color has nothing to do with it but it might’ve spiced things up a bit. The best character on this show BY FAR was Leslie Jordan because he’s adorable and I want to put him in my pocket. Old people might enjoy this one but I’m out. My boyf found it hysterical, so apparently I’m dating a senior citizen.

The Neighborhood, Fox, Mondays 8p EST

Neighborhood

Everything you need to know about this show, you can summarize from this over the top cast photo. From “HOOD” being a different color and on a separate line to ONLY showing the black family and not the white family it’s ALSO about, this show is racist AF. And not in a “white people can’t say it’s racist way.” The entire 28 minutes spanned a group of horrendous over-actors just calling each other racist every few minutes. QUALITY TV, FOLKS. What you can’t see in this photo is that 2 Broke Girls Beth Behrs and New Girl Max Greenfield are the other leads. They’re a white toast couple who move with their son Grover to the neighborHOOD, where it’s AOK to wear an orange velour jumpsuit, apparently. And this cat is mad at THEM. Essentially it’s a show trying to be funny about the fact that the climate right now is not NOT racist. Keep trying.

WATCH:

Happy Together, Fox, Mondays 830p EST

Happy-Together

According to my actual notes, on paper, because I’m a scholar…this show was the “best of this shit crop of sitcoms.” And you can take that to the bank. A show that was actually likable and I laughed out loud for more than five jokes!!! WE HAVE A WINNER! I mean, can you really go wrong with the Wayans, though? D.Way Jr. killed it in both New Girl and Happy Endings and most importantly, he doesn’t feel the need to shout his lines like 90% of these sitcom stars are doing. If it’s louder, it doesn’t mean it’s funnier. Just A TIP. Also fun fact about me, because why not, every time the Wayans are brought up in any capacity, I feel compelled to google their family tree because there’s roughly 600 of them and it’s very fascinating to me. Like HOW is Damon a JUNIOR to the guy from My Wife and Kids? It’s incredible. Anyway, you’re welcome for sending you down that rabbit hole. The boyf and I wondered aloud why they haven’t just created a show based on their family yet. Don’t steal that idea. It’s ours. Anyway, Jake and Claire are a boring ass married couple who spend Saturday nights recording song voicemails until a celebrity Jake reps decides to come live with them to get out of the spotlight. Trying to make this guy like Harry Styles was borderline offensive. Like honestly, not even close. Either way, it’s funny and cute and I’d watch again.

A Million Little Things, ABC, Wednesdays 9p EST

A-millionlittlethings

Lotta hype with this one about being as twisty as This is Us and also just as emosh. What I didn’t prepare for is the fact that I cannot for the life of me remember the correct name of this. First I was calling it A Million Little Pieces because that’s a book. Then I moved onto A Million Little Reasons because they said that at one point in the pilot. Gawd, I can’t keep it straight. I’ll keep working on it though because I thought it was good and I’m sucked in. I was so absorbed that the only note I wrote was, “Sick opening sequence with a baller cover of All These Things That I’ve Done by the Killers.” So there ya go.

RON LIVINGSTON, DAVID GIUNTOLI, JAMES RODAY, ROMANY MALCO JR

The show is about a gang of bros who met in an elevator, bonded real hard and then became besties/Bruins season ticket holders. Spoiler alert: one of them commits suicide and the first epi was borderline depressing but I have hope for this show to follow the friends in the aftermath as they value life a little more and also of COURSE there’s juicy secrets, which I’m all IN ON.

Manifest, NBC, Mondays 10p EST

Manifest-NBC-TV-Series-2018

Didn’t really expect to like this show once I heard the premise but it was RIVETING, tbh. A family coming back from vacation in 2013 split between two flights and that second flight had turbulence through the MF’ing roof (like honestly how was everyone so calm afterward) and then when it landed everyone was like your flight disappeared 5 years ago how ya’ll still alive? The crew on the flight was like uhhh we had turbulence and dass itt. They haven’t aged a day and everyone else on land is 5 years older. FREAKY. Then the people from the flight start hearing shit and now it’s ON. There’s so many mysteries and so little time. I’m going to be real with you and tell you that I’ve always been creeped out by whispering voices in TV or Movies, like even “if you build it, he will come” creeped me out and that was supposed to be a feel good family flick, but I’m going to stick with this one for a little longer because I think there’s more to the story than mind whispers that one hundo percent will give me night terrors. Plus, I don’t know who this actress is but she’s a babe soda and I’m on her team.

Manifest - Season 1

Dirty John, Bravo, TBD Date & Time

NUP_183555_2036.jpg

Since this hasn’t premiered yet, technically I can’t recommend it. But let’s be real here, it’s Connie Britton. Also, I did listen to the podcast it’s based on and I CAN recommend that. It’s basically a crime series about a creepy ass sociopath guy who dates a bunch of women and turns out to be a real psycho. Can’t wait for this to premiere so I can be equal parts drooling over Connie and her hair coming back to my TV screen and terrified to shower alone. Don’t @ me if this sucks and I said you should watch it.

 

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Television, The Bachelorette

The Bachelorette – Supes Unpredictable

becca

Becca’s family has made it to the Maldives and she can’t wait to ask them to pick her future husband because she loves them both and can’t decide. Her family gets the Garrett sneak preview that he’s been married before. Tough room to walk into when the only info they’re fed is that he’s already done the damn thing. Garrett makes a super vague toast about Becca’s dead dad. Just say you wish you could’ve met her dad rather than make a long-winded cringe worthy announcement that not everyone could be there in person. Then Garrett literally full on sobs to each member of Becca’s family and it gives me all the uncomfies. When Becca’s sister (who I wouldn’t have known was her sister unless they kept captioning it) tells her how emosh Garrett is, she’s like oh he’s never cried in front of me. Seems like a weird time to pull the waterworks if your future wife hasn’t even seen you shed a tear yet, but whatevs.

Becca then tells her family to treat Blake like they did Garrett. Nothing like telling your family how to act around the guy that’s obviously not going to win! Blake’s looking like a trendy lil snack in his pink shorts and matching bouquet. Too bad he’s about to get his heart crushed. He says he’s excited a billion times like he’s having a Tourrette’s episode. The nervous energy is palpable. When Blake sits down with the sis, he uses the CLASSIC interview tip to bide time, saying great question when Becca’s sister interrogates him like she’s hiring him to be her brother in law. I’ve been doing a few interviews lately and I also use that tactic. Except when I say great question that’s usually my answer because great question universally means you stumped me and I’m too stupid to form a coherent answer here, thank you for your time. Becca’s sister is Team Blake and says he would challenge her and be more of a teammate. Becca bursts into tears, so it’s obvious where this is going. Becca’s mom is already comforting Blake like you’ll be fine if she doesn’t pick you. MOM SIXTH SENSE. Not a great start to the ‘sode for your boy Blake.

Becca’s family is like sucks that you have to make this decision, best of luck to ya. Becca asks what her dad would think and her mom’s like he’d want you to be happy. NO SHIT.

Becca’s last date with Garrett is on a yacht and they talk about how lucky they are and stop all serious conversation to squeal over dolphins swimming by. Ugh we get it you’re happy and lucky and everything’s peachy on your free trip to the Maldives. Later Garrett and Becca talk about how they touched all night at their slumber party.

garrett

Becca’s legs send mixed signals her on her last date with Blake. She wrapped her legs around both SO HOW WILL WE KNOW WHO SHE CHOOSES?! Blake says they constantly challenge each other, which makes it very obvious now that it’s been said 10 times about their relationship that the producer has fed them this phrase. Blake gives her a homemade time capsule of their time together. YOIKES.

blakedate

Back in the studio, Chris Harrison is here to tell us that what we are about to see, he HAS NEVER SEEN ANYTHING LIKE THIS, GUYS. PREPARE YOURSELVES. Spoiler alert: Becca dumps Blake and he leaves. Nothing out of the ordinary, just like every single finale. I would ask how this MF’er Chris Harrison sleeps at night feeding us such bullshit lies to try and up the dramatics but I already know the answer to that. He’s rich and famous AF.

Anyway, Becca allows Blake to go to the proposal spot and give his whole speech and Becca looks nothing short of uncomfy throughout the whole thing. Then Becca takes over and basically only speaks in past tense. She says she pictured this moment with him the whole time, which is a real dick thing to say to someone who’s not getting the moment. Not only is the guy getting his heart stomped on but also he has to do it in a full suit in the tropical heat, roasting like a giant sweaty pig. Everyone cries, or just like, sweats from their eyes, who knows.

blake

Cut to Chris Harrison live in the studio with Blake, torturing him for our entertainment. I HOPE YOU FEEL GOOD ABOUT THIS, CHRIS. Blake obviously is having a hard time but felt reassured that their love was real from watching this season back. Nothing notable happens with him and Becca onstage, except for Chris Harrison awkwardly pointing out his “support system.” Hey cameras, pan over there and show that Blake has people here for him so he doesn’t off himself:

Screen Shot 2018-08-06 at 10.31.09 PM

He just is genuinely sad and heartbroken and wants Becca to be happy. I’m gonna go on the record and say that Blake is not the next Bachelor.

She picks Garrett because he reminds her of her dad. I’m just gonna let that sit there. This is the ring. Also gonna let that sit there. Cough cough, Blake’s was better cough.

Screen Shot 2018-08-06 at 10.29.30 PM

IRL, Chris Harrison asks when Garrett knew Becca was the one and he answered “Yeah.” Sweet. They’re sooo happy and in love and Garrett’s sorry for being offensive on Instagram and OF COURSE THEY’RE MOVING TO LA. Chris Harrison surprises them with a 1980’s minivan and Garrett says let’s do the damn thing. KILL ME FOREVER RIGHT NOW. THE END.

PS if you want a good chuckle, look up Garrett’s wedding photos from his last marriage. BECCA 1.0, YO. The two women could be identical twins. K, byeeeeeeeeeeee.

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Television, The Bachelorette

The Bachelorette – I Wanna Find My Person

Mantacea, CA with Garrett

Garrett’s family owns an agricultural business. He shows her a “planter” and I shoot up off my couch in cold sweats suffering from severe Farmer Chris Soules PTSD. Don’t do this to me, ABC. Put farming in the grave next to Chris Soules’ clean driving record. BOOM. ROASTED.

chris soules

Garrett walks into his living room like he’s headlining at a comedy club. The energy and the applause in the room is so ridiculous I feel like I’m watching an SNL sketch. And no, that’s not a compliment to your dumb Chris Farley impression, Garrett. Obviously the whole family is like don’t break Garrett’s heart like that dumb betch ex-wife of his. Garrett’s mom is talked up as a tough mama bear and she couldn’t have been softer. Everyone approves of Becca, of course. Becca says it all feels like it’s falling into place.

Buffalo, NY with Jason

Jason takes Becca to a wing contest with what appears to be all college kids. Becca passes the test that it’s blue cheese only with buff wangz and thank God because I thought the city of Buffalo was going to have to kick her out for being such a n00b. If you eat ranch with wings you have garbage taste buds and that seems pretty obvious. Then they go ice-skating and apparently my Mighty Ducks reference has been even more spot-on than I thought as Jason shows off his knuckle puck skillz.

wings

Jason’s whole story with his family is that he’s guarded and will not be able to open up in time. Jason thinks love is missing Becca when she’s in a different room and basically talks himself into telling her he loves her. Even his mom was like u sure, bro? Either way, he tells her.

 Bailey, CO with Blake

Blake brings Becca to his high school for a makeout sesh and to show her that he’s still down with his old teachers and coaches…well some of them. Remember when Blake shared last week that his mom had an affair with his coach and I compared his life to a TV show? Well that’s got nothing on this week as he takes Becca to the library and tells her he survived a school shooting at that very high school. Holy bananas. No joke his life is a teen drama TV show. I mean that literally looks like the exact library Peyton hid out with Lucas while her leg bled out. But quick turn, in the gym Betty Who is casually performing a concert. Was there any significance of Betty Who in a Colorado high school orrrrr? Also if you had forced me to name this artist without Becca announcing it or even one of her songs I would’ve failed miserably. Seems like Becca was her number one fan though with that grade A sing-along.

blake

Blake is happy and in love and his parents see it but think his heart is gonna get stomped on, so they also pretend to be hard asses with Becca and ask how she feels. When will parents on this show understand that the girl is never gonna tell them who she’s going to choose at hometowns. Get your heads out of your asses. Also if you’re paying close attention, the one whose family keeps talking about how worried they are that he’s falling too fast will one HUNDO percent get his heart DESTROYED. So there’s that unfortunate incident to look forward to, which will probably lead to him finding redemption after heartache by being the next Bachelor.

blakes mom

Another Colorado town with Colton

Colton takes Becca shopping for gifts to bring to the children’s hospital with him. Really laying it on thick here. He’s a sweetie with the sick kids and Becca’s ovaries grew three sizes. Sorry did I say ovaries? I meant her boner. Except as much as she wants to scoop Colton’s virginity, she also wants him to know she’s concerned he’s never been in another serious relationship.

kids

Colton gathers his entire extended family for a hang. How overwhelming must that be to meet a guy’s 3rd cousins on TV? Colton looks for props from his dad for communicating about Tia like an adult. He could not have asked for daddy’s approval harder. Also, why does Colton’s dad know about Tia if all they did was smooch one time? HMMmm. Becca says she wants to find her person to the zillionth parent tonight and I’m about to go insane. Does Grey’s Anatomy get a cut from the Bachelor every week for the amount that they call someone their person? Gawd that’s obnoxious. Also I’ve probably legitimately asked that before because that’s how much the phrase is used on this show. Anyway, moving on to Becca discussing Colton’s virginity with his mom. YIKES. Colton tells Becca that he loves her.

Becca meets up with her fake girl gang that just want more screen time and aren’t her actual best friends. She recaps what’s been going on for this group of over-actors. She announces that Jason is the best kisser in the world, which makes me hope that her future husband doesn’t watch this back because it sure as shit ain’t Jason. Tia interrupts Becca MID-SENTENCE while she’s talking about Colton to have a private chat, allowing for the girls to practice their best Whitney Port shocked faces. And that is how we know whatever confession will follow is sure to be ridiculous if she couldn’t let Becca get through a sentence. Tia confides in Becca that she still has feelings for Colton and it makes her sick that Becca’s considering him. WELL TIA YOU HAD YOUR CHANCE YOU BIG DUMMY. Obviously now Becca feels like a pile of hot garbage for stealing her “friend’s” man. I think I hate Tia now.

Right before his fate is sealed, Colton asks Chris what REALLY goes on in the fantasy suite because he’s nervous about putting out. Chris is like we’re not Pornhub bro, when the door closes you can do whatever. (Until Mike Fleiss makes a show about that too.)

Rose Ceremony: Blake, Jason & Garrett

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Television, The Bachelor

The Bachelorette – She’s Not My Person

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Becca wants to move to the Bahamas. Becca is all of us. Except for the part where she gets paid to go there and mack a bunch of dudes. In the Chris and Becca weekly gab sesh; Becca declares that she wants no drama this week. Something tells me there will be drama. Chris Harrison does a dumb analogy about Las Vegas and betting even though they’re in the Bahamas and he asks Becca to bet on the outcome of this journey. She bets she’ll be engaged. No shit.

Becca drops in on the boys and requests hugs from all like she’s picking up her kids from school at the end of the day. She announces that there will be four dates and no rose ceremony so BUCKLE UP. Colton’s up first, which gives the remaining butthurt bruhs plenty of time to talk shit about the Coltmaster being a virgin and how he should go home. Meanwhile, Becca drools all over Colton’s body for like a solid amount of time. Girl needs that D. I don’t think I’ve ever seen a female openly slobber that hard in Bachelorette history. Just when Colton’s going to confess to his chastity ring, a Bahamian wearing a white crop top cut like a paper snowflake you used to make for your bedroom window, interrupted to send them diving for conches, which HILARIOUSLY sounds like COCKS.

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A bunch of terrible sexual innuendos follow. It pains me to think that whoever writes these scripts actually thinks these are funny. LOLOL Colton’s a virgin so let’s have the two of them make some cock jokes and slurp something as an “aphrodisiac”.

FINALLY, Colton spills the beans about his lack of sexual activity. Becca appears to not take the virg news so well by saying, “REALLY?!” then excusing herself for a second to fake cry about it (?) When she returns (offering no explanation as to why she ran away) he talks about how hard it was being an athlete and a virgin. Boohoo. He wants his virginity to be a gift for someone. Becca wants to accept that gift so she gives him a rose. If I were Colton I’d be like wait a minute you just made me feel like a piece of trash by walking away when I confessed something embarrassing so I don’t want that rose. But Colton is dumb and so is this show. Also not for nothing but I’d stay woke on this whole virginity thing. Colton’s got charm and I wouldn’t be surprised if it’s not 1 hundo percent true.

 Love is in the Air with Garrett

They fly over the islands and Garrett is annoying. I’m sorry. I just really don’t like the guy. And I’m willing to bet he wins too. They make out a lot on a private beach and fornicate on a tree swing. Later, Becca toasts him and says thanks for a great day, I have fun with you and Garrett replies you’re really good at that. What’s she good at, Garrett? Forming sentences? Turns out the last girl who met his family was his ex-wife and he hasn’t really dated since then. Becca is like we’ve had the same romantic history basically and roses him.

You Make My Heart Skip a Beat with Blake

HOT start to this date with the return of the Baha Men’s greatest hit Who Let the Dogs Out….who.who.who.who. Oh apparently they’ve got a new song! WHAT ARE THE CHANCES? Blake and Becca dance awkwardly as only white people can to island music with that much flavor. If we’re being honest this new beat’s got nothing on a song comparing letting dogs loose to the start of a party. I am hashtag grateful that the Baha Men were able to come out of retirement for this d list free concert for TV. WHAT HAVE THESE CRAZY GUYS BEEN UP TO FOR THE PAST 15 YEARS?!

baha

Anyway, Blake opens up about his mom having an affair with his bball coach when he was in high school. YIKES. Reminds me of that show Life As We Know It, which obviously got cancelled, but starred early 00’s babe sodas Missy Peregrym and Sean Faris. Spoiler alert: he finds his mom sleeping with his hockey coach in like the first episode. Then DRAMA ensues. Anyway, look it up. That show is 1 trillion times better than this one. It also had a PRETTY steamy teacher student affair. Dirty stuff for primetime TV. Jus sayin. Anyway, Blake is in love with Becca and I’m pretty sure he was the first to say it. OBVIOUSLY he gets the rose and Becca admits to us that she’s also in love with him and sees him as her husband. Took it one step to far Bex, don’t get ahead of yourself here with 4 guys left.

These Days Are Never Easy with Wills, Leo and Jason

The guys run at Becca who is wearing an all denim whoutfit. Who has been dressing her this season? Because I’ve had enough. There’s never a need to wear matching white shorts and denim jacket with white sneakers. Thankfully the jacket is ditched for a friendly game of beach volleyball with the whole gang. She’s having a blasty blast but we all know how this is going to go. She’s friend zoned Wills and Leo and Syracuse.com spoiled a home visit with Jason roughly 4 months ago. Leo says he feels behind on the relationship front, and Becca spins the breakup making it sound like it was his fault for being honest. Goodbye you beautiful man bun. At night, Becca gets frustrated with asshole Coach Bombay for not opening up and telling her he’s falling for her like everyone else has. He feeds her some bullshit about being hurt before. Wills wears the hell out of a Hawaiian shirt. Wish he could’ve come to my Hawaiian themed birthday party. Him and the Baha Men. Could’ve been a real rager. Wills gets sent home but we know he won’t be lonely for long because he’s adorable and dresses well and is super sweet and oh ok as I was typing this sentence it was announced he’ll be on paradise of course. NEXT WEEK: HOMETOWNS and more Colton/Tia drama that no one saw coming except everyone did because there’s clearly more to that story. TOLD YOU TO STAY WOKE ON COLTON, GUYS.

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Television, The Bachelorette

The Bachelorette – I Was Gonna Open Up

Full Discloszh: I missed the first hour of last week’s episode and rather than somehow make it up to write the recap, I decided I had 0.0% desire to do that. SARRRYYY.

becca

Richmond, VA

This bum ass town is apparently known for love. Cause they have a statue that spells out love. Becca sits down with Chris Harrison to tell him she has baby fever and is already feeling love. (Say love again.) One step at a time, girl.

Life is full of surprises with Jason

I was shoving ravioli in my mouth and when I came to, I realized that Lincoln and Chris were bitching at each other about body shaming. I have no clue what was happening or how this started but I do know that everyone hates these two and they’re shouting at each other as they’re basically touching thighs on the couch. It makes no sense. How can two men be so heated, but still be rubbing limbs casually? EXPLAIN IT TO ME.

jason

Jason and Becca’s date is basically a Mad Libs. They bake donuts in a church, make out in a coffin and kick it with a bunch of Goths talking about death. This date BLOWS. Becca’s got the hornies for Jason’s kisses. I was just about to shit all over Becca’s terrible surprises but then she actually stepped it up by bringing his friends out to meet him. Becca gets really deep with slick’s friends. She’s like is he a good partner and they’re like yeah.

Later on, Jason basically tells us that his grandparents are Allie and Noah Calhoun and how inspiring it was to watch his grandma go through that and how it makes him more appreciative of life. Becca opens up about her dad taking his last breath. Yikes that got real, real quick. Jason gets rosed because they connected on a deeper level. Tongues.

Let’s Make History with Colton, Blake, Wills, Connor, Blake, Lincoln, Chris

The boys have to do a mock debate in the Beccalection because Becca is looking for her “running mate.” BLOW MY BRAINS OUT. They’re put on the hot spot for relationship questions. All of the guys that we already know are making it to the finals give practical answers about puppies and love. This week’s villains that we most certainly don’t need use the debate to shout at each other about fat shaming again. GIVE IT A REST, BOYS.

chris

Just when I think we’re done with a history lesson lurking in my weekly binge of trash TV, one bored cameraman decides to focus on the creepy paintings in this random house. Every few seconds our retinas are treated to a super zoom into a pair of dead oil painted eyes on the wall. While this is giving me nightmares, Becca is hearing that Chris is a loose cannon and he denies it. Then goes downstairs and blasts off all over everyone, loose cannon style. WHO’S LYING AND WHO ISN’T? Who cares, just mute the TV and feast your peepers at Connor rocking nerdy, sexy, chic in those glasses.

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Garrett’s mad because he was gonna open up to her and everyone F’ed that up for him. Becca watches them all bitch at each other but pretends she didn’t. Colton gets the rose for literally no reason.

The World is our Oyster with Leo

The minute Leo got a date card I guessed he was going home. Then they hugged and all of the moisture was sucked out of Becca’s vagina, I assume by the radiating lack of chemistry. Becca is emotionally drained, which I feel like she’s trying to blame for not being sexually attracted to a guy who has the same hair as Slash. He does rock a sick man bun though. I’ll give him that. They grab oysters out of the sea. Becca keeps saying that she should like Leo but none of us missed her dodging her head away at one point when he tried to kiss her cheek.

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At dins, Becca wears a dress that Forever 21 sells right around NYE for hoochie girls watching the ball drop at a club, blackout smooching a stranger while Aviici (may he rest in peace) bumps over the speakers. Leo talks about being a failure in his dad’s eyes because he didn’t pursue baseball. He tears up and Becca comforts him. In an actual twist of events, Leo gets the rose. Seriously does she even enjoy kissing him? OMG IS THAT A COUNTRY STAR PERFORMING THEIR LOVE SONG THEY WANT TO MAKE BIG AND THEN OMG IS THAT LEO AND BECCA DANCING IN FRONT OF THE AUDIENCE? Becca. Burn that dress. I’m embarrassed that you wore it to a country councert, staged or not. A bunch of 13 year olds grind up on the two of them awkwardly and whisper to Becca that they really like her dress.

Connor and Jason talk about how volatile Chris is while he writes a letter and according to the background music, plots a murder. Apparently Becca doesn’t feel safe enough to even stay in the same hotel as creepy Chris so he has to walk across town to find her, uninvited. Chris menacingly walks the streets in his camel colored pea coat and matching suede booties. He tells Becca he wants to marry her and she’s like nah, I’m good. Cameldick stomps out and doesn’t let her walk him out or say a proper goodbye. Becca feels great about sending him packing as she should because he was acting like a total psychopath.

All the guys take turns regurgitating scripted lines about how important cocktail parties are, which obviously means Chris Harrison will announce that it’s cancelled. Try to keep up.

Roses: James, Colton, Leo, Garrett, Blake & Wills

Don’t worry everyone, Connor and his trendy specs will have a ticket to Paradise and that is the most obvious.

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Television, The Bachelorette

The Bachelorette – Captain UNDApants

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“I’m like a sponge, you can squeeze me and get everything out of me… But you’ll never know until you try.”

Back at our SUPER dramatic cocktail party that was to be continued for no reason, Blake and Becca talk about what they’ll name their 5 children. They’re vibin real hard because they both like guys names for girls. Little Stevie and lil Charlie will one day watch their parent’s love story unfold on TV. Jordan insinuates that in a quick chatski with God, he made David’s injury happen. Ok, creep. As a reward, Becca gives Jordan some gold shiny nut huggers. David comes back looking BEAT. He’s got a busted nose, black/bloodshot eye and possible missing teeth. Bruh. Why even return? Jordan piles on right away for his ugly face. Becca’s all, “DAVID, REMEMBER ME?!” No, Becca, he fell off a bunk bed and has memory loss like Michelle falling off her horse in the series finale of Full House. She gives him a rose because he smashed his entire face off from sleeping too hard.

Rose Ceremony: Colton, Chris, David, Jason, Wills, Nick (in a jumpsuit), Christon, Lincoln, Blake, Garrett, Leo, John, Connor, Jordan, Jean-Blanc

 Park City, Utah

As soon as she steps foot into this winter wonderland, I am immediately bitter. Adorbs cozy sweater, rustic lodge with a fireplace, cute little snowflakes flurrying around her as she looks at the snowy mountains on her rich ass balcony. WANNA KNOW WHAT WINTER IS RLY LIKE? Slushy and freezing and not wanting to leave your apt for 5 months. This is an LA person’s winter fantasy and I’m here to tell the truth. Winter isn’t a dream.

Bobsled Time with Garrett

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Becca & Garrett start the day off doing a classic goofing off in stores montage. They go for a ride on the ski lift. Becca notes that she hasn’t been on a ski lift since she was 12 and she goes now I’m 28…how long is that? Which reminds me of the time this year that I said N*SYNC was first popular in 1998 and asked my boyfriend how long ago that was. It’s good to know I’m not the only one who’s dumb at numbers. They’re going bobsledding with Olympians. Fun fact, the two Olympians fell in love in the bobsled and now they have two kids. So, bobsled=love. Also, they gave a whole speech about teamwork but really Becca and Garrett just get driven in a bobsled by a pro. LAME. I wanted to see two amateurs take a sled for a spin down an ice luge. Call me reckless but that would’ve made much better TV.

Back at the house Lincoln who beats women and poops on the floor, also argues that the earth is flat. Yes, let’s listen to this jabroni.

Later on, Becca tells Garrett that he reminds her of her dad. Garrett’s only been in love once when he was fresh out of college and they got married and divorced. They were married for a brief 2 months before getting divorced. This gives Becca the scaries. What she learns is that Garrett’s ex wife was emotionally abusive and he didn’t want to get divorced but realized she was the wrong woman for him. Becca’s all, you’re loyal AF and I want this. She roses Garrett and what do you think they do next? They obviously walk on over to an impromptu Granger Smith concert. Because what would a one on one date be without a lesser-known country musician and a staged slow dance at a concert?

 I’m Yelling Timber with David, Lincoln, Connor, Christon, Colton, Jean Blanc, James, John, Jordan, & Leo

A real life lumberjack piles onto the “I met my sig other in my profession” contrived storyline. In a surprising turn of events, the bobsledders were lesbians but the female lumberjack wasn’t. The men have to show that they’re good at chopping wood. It’s straight out of Win a Date with Tad Hamilton. Super embarrassing for the guys that couldn’t make a dent. Nerdy John ends up lifting the log and I was like YEAH JOHN, YOU SHOW THEM, YOU BIG NERD. Then he said I lifted a log, woohoo, with a stupid victory dance and I immediately regretted cheering for him. They all button up their Old Navy flannels and clip on some suspenders to compete in a log-festive competition. Looks like splinter city, tbh. John wins the Golden Axe. Well-deserved cause how the hell did he win a physical competition with these meatheads.

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Jason says he cares for Becca and then kisses THE WEIRDEST. He moves his head but not his mouth. Huh? Jordan strips down to his golden undies and tries to make out with Becca who visibly cringes and says I can’t. Way to keep up the façade that you’re keeping Jordan here for yourself and not because producers want him around for entertainment/a fiery 2 on 1 date with David. Colton takes Jordan aside to tell him that he’s acting like a clown. He’s protecting Becca, of course. Jean-Blanc gives Becca her own fragrance called Miss Becca Blanc and then whispers in her ear that he wants to kiss her. Becca has never been more turned off. I literally felt the sahara dry heat comnig off of her vagina during that kiss. He gets interrupted and Becca is relieved but since he’s tone deaf, he comes back for round 2. He tells Becca he’s falling in love with her and there’s actual crickets. OBVIOUSLY Becca says she doesn’t see a future with him. As she’s walking him out he asks why the perfume didn’t work and that he lied about loving her. Becca goes on an honesty rampage at the guys. NO ROSES FOR YOU DIRTY LIARS.

Snowmobiling with Wills

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Becca’s crying about last night still but says she doesn’t want to ruin the date. Wills just wants to make Becca smile. What a cutie patootie. They share some respectful, polite kisses and it makes me happy. At night, Wills opens up about how he thought he found his person and his heart was broken. BITCH ASKED FOR A HALL PASS AND STEPPED OUT ON HIM!!! He’s afraid of not being enough, as one would be when their past girlfriend was a two timin’ hoe. He gets rosed and they make out against a lovely stone wall.

NO COCKTAIL PARTY BECAUSE THIS EPISODE STARTED WITH A ROSE CEREMONY AND WE’RE CUT FOR TIME. (Also not to brag but I’ve gotten to the point where Chris Harrison walks into the room and I can say verbatim what he’s going to say. As soon as he strolled in post-date, I was like well there’s no cocktail party tonight because Becca is sure of what she wants to do. Do I get an award for predicting everything ever that happens on this show? I wish I did.)

Rose Ceremony: Garrett, Wills, Leo, Colton, Blake, Jason, Connor, Lincoln, John, Chris, David, Jordan

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