Television, The Bachelorette

The Bachelorette – Captain UNDApants

becca

“I’m like a sponge, you can squeeze me and get everything out of me… But you’ll never know until you try.”

Back at our SUPER dramatic cocktail party that was to be continued for no reason, Blake and Becca talk about what they’ll name their 5 children. They’re vibin real hard because they both like guys names for girls. Little Stevie and lil Charlie will one day watch their parent’s love story unfold on TV. Jordan insinuates that in a quick chatski with God, he made David’s injury happen. Ok, creep. As a reward, Becca gives Jordan some gold shiny nut huggers. David comes back looking BEAT. He’s got a busted nose, black/bloodshot eye and possible missing teeth. Bruh. Why even return? Jordan piles on right away for his ugly face. Becca’s all, “DAVID, REMEMBER ME?!” No, Becca, he fell off a bunk bed and has memory loss like Michelle falling off her horse in the series finale of Full House. She gives him a rose because he smashed his entire face off from sleeping too hard.

Rose Ceremony: Colton, Chris, David, Jason, Wills, Nick (in a jumpsuit), Christon, Lincoln, Blake, Garrett, Leo, John, Connor, Jordan, Jean-Blanc

 Park City, Utah

As soon as she steps foot into this winter wonderland, I am immediately bitter. Adorbs cozy sweater, rustic lodge with a fireplace, cute little snowflakes flurrying around her as she looks at the snowy mountains on her rich ass balcony. WANNA KNOW WHAT WINTER IS RLY LIKE? Slushy and freezing and not wanting to leave your apt for 5 months. This is an LA person’s winter fantasy and I’m here to tell the truth. Winter isn’t a dream.

Bobsled Time with Garrett

garrett

Becca & Garrett start the day off doing a classic goofing off in stores montage. They go for a ride on the ski lift. Becca notes that she hasn’t been on a ski lift since she was 12 and she goes now I’m 28…how long is that? Which reminds me of the time this year that I said N*SYNC was first popular in 1998 and asked my boyfriend how long ago that was. It’s good to know I’m not the only one who’s dumb at numbers. They’re going bobsledding with Olympians. Fun fact, the two Olympians fell in love in the bobsled and now they have two kids. So, bobsled=love. Also, they gave a whole speech about teamwork but really Becca and Garrett just get driven in a bobsled by a pro. LAME. I wanted to see two amateurs take a sled for a spin down an ice luge. Call me reckless but that would’ve made much better TV.

Back at the house Lincoln who beats women and poops on the floor, also argues that the earth is flat. Yes, let’s listen to this jabroni.

Later on, Becca tells Garrett that he reminds her of her dad. Garrett’s only been in love once when he was fresh out of college and they got married and divorced. They were married for a brief 2 months before getting divorced. This gives Becca the scaries. What she learns is that Garrett’s ex wife was emotionally abusive and he didn’t want to get divorced but realized she was the wrong woman for him. Becca’s all, you’re loyal AF and I want this. She roses Garrett and what do you think they do next? They obviously walk on over to an impromptu Granger Smith concert. Because what would a one on one date be without a lesser-known country musician and a staged slow dance at a concert?

 I’m Yelling Timber with David, Lincoln, Connor, Christon, Colton, Jean Blanc, James, John, Jordan, & Leo

A real life lumberjack piles onto the “I met my sig other in my profession” contrived storyline. In a surprising turn of events, the bobsledders were lesbians but the female lumberjack wasn’t. The men have to show that they’re good at chopping wood. It’s straight out of Win a Date with Tad Hamilton. Super embarrassing for the guys that couldn’t make a dent. Nerdy John ends up lifting the log and I was like YEAH JOHN, YOU SHOW THEM, YOU BIG NERD. Then he said I lifted a log, woohoo, with a stupid victory dance and I immediately regretted cheering for him. They all button up their Old Navy flannels and clip on some suspenders to compete in a log-festive competition. Looks like splinter city, tbh. John wins the Golden Axe. Well-deserved cause how the hell did he win a physical competition with these meatheads.

golden axe

Jason says he cares for Becca and then kisses THE WEIRDEST. He moves his head but not his mouth. Huh? Jordan strips down to his golden undies and tries to make out with Becca who visibly cringes and says I can’t. Way to keep up the façade that you’re keeping Jordan here for yourself and not because producers want him around for entertainment/a fiery 2 on 1 date with David. Colton takes Jordan aside to tell him that he’s acting like a clown. He’s protecting Becca, of course. Jean-Blanc gives Becca her own fragrance called Miss Becca Blanc and then whispers in her ear that he wants to kiss her. Becca has never been more turned off. I literally felt the sahara dry heat comnig off of her vagina during that kiss. He gets interrupted and Becca is relieved but since he’s tone deaf, he comes back for round 2. He tells Becca he’s falling in love with her and there’s actual crickets. OBVIOUSLY Becca says she doesn’t see a future with him. As she’s walking him out he asks why the perfume didn’t work and that he lied about loving her. Becca goes on an honesty rampage at the guys. NO ROSES FOR YOU DIRTY LIARS.

Snowmobiling with Wills

wills

Becca’s crying about last night still but says she doesn’t want to ruin the date. Wills just wants to make Becca smile. What a cutie patootie. They share some respectful, polite kisses and it makes me happy. At night, Wills opens up about how he thought he found his person and his heart was broken. BITCH ASKED FOR A HALL PASS AND STEPPED OUT ON HIM!!! He’s afraid of not being enough, as one would be when their past girlfriend was a two timin’ hoe. He gets rosed and they make out against a lovely stone wall.

NO COCKTAIL PARTY BECAUSE THIS EPISODE STARTED WITH A ROSE CEREMONY AND WE’RE CUT FOR TIME. (Also not to brag but I’ve gotten to the point where Chris Harrison walks into the room and I can say verbatim what he’s going to say. As soon as he strolled in post-date, I was like well there’s no cocktail party tonight because Becca is sure of what she wants to do. Do I get an award for predicting everything ever that happens on this show? I wish I did.)

Rose Ceremony: Garrett, Wills, Leo, Colton, Blake, Jason, Connor, Lincoln, John, Chris, David, Jordan

Standard
Television, The Bachelorette

The Bachelorette – No Spring Chicken

Screen Shot 2018-06-12 at 8.57.37 AM

All the guys in the house are apparently besties except for Jordan, who has to eat his breakfast in the corner of the kitchen, facing the backsplash tile. This sets the tone for the MOST DRAMATIC episode ever. And by MOST DRAMATIC, I of course mean that the editors cut shit together for a full two hours to make us believe everything was drama and conflict and I am NOT here for it. STAY WOKE, BACH NATION. Let’s dissect this pile of shit.

It’s Time to Relax with Wills, Jason, Jordan, David, Jean-Blanc & Colton

cheers

Becca NEEDS her girls to help her and support her for this date. How shitty would you feel if you were Becca’s ACTUAL best friends and your opinion is basically dirt because you’re not part of Bach Nation looking to grab every minute of screen time possible? Anyway, true to Bachelor incest, we found out that Colton and Tia have previously “dated” and Tia claims that he went on the show hoping she was the Bachelorette, which is a real bitch thing to say to your “close friend.” When the guys walk in it’s ALL SORTS of awkward. It’s even more awkward when Becca forgets Jason’s name. How is it remotely possible that she remembers any of these boners names? It’s episode 3. Cut her some slack. The boys change into spa employee uniforms and Jason/Colton have a heart to heart near a soothing waterfall over this stupid thing that they’re going to draw out for as long as possible. The girls let the guys do their nails, which stresses me out to no end. I don’t even like letting the lady at the nail salon do my nails let alone those slob kebabs. Becca takes Tia aside. Her and Colton apparently only kissed but Becca still wah wah’s about it. They awkwardly stare at each other and say they love each other. BFFS CAN’T BE FORCED. CUT IT OUT, ABC, THIS IS GETTING WEIRD.

cringe

In the evening, Jordan talks about his Tinder game being strong and David turns around and blabs it to Becca. She rolls out and is all, “4 thousand Tinder matches? High five, bud!” But since she can’t cut Jordan because he’s good TV, Becca says she’s just joking and s’all good. In Jordan’s apology he says being a model is tough. He’s a golden retriever in relationships and is looking for a girl with a bright smile. These are all word for word things he said. Is Jordan annoying? Sure. Is David’s stuttering and tattling like a 2 year old 1000x more annoying? Also yes. All of these men whining with full-on manis officially sends me over the edge. And finally, Becca ends this bullshit Tia conflict with Colton by getting the F over it and giving him the rose, because OBVIOUSLY she wants to bang Colton, or like have a makeout sesh if this virgin storyline is real.

Let’s Make Your Heart Sing with Chris

Becca and Chris go to Capitol City Records and Richard Marx is playing piano. Becca asks him to play THE ONLY SONG I can name by Richard Marx. He has her sing it. I cringe into the ground. He’s apparently been sent to write their love song. Drama though, songwriting digs up Chris’ daddy issues and fear of being vulnerable. He walks out of the studio to have some alone time. Becca smooches the courage back into him and he crushes it of course. Richard sings their lyrics while they slow dance and make out. Speaking of Richard, I’ve never seen a man show less emotion. Kind of an odd pick to coach vulnerability and songwriting. At dinner, Chris tells Becca about writing a letter to his dad and never hearing back. Becca understands and roses him. They slow dance to Right Here Waiting by Richard Marx. Again, does he have to repeat this song because it was his only hit orrrr?

dry richard

Sounds kind of boring, right? Not anymore because in one quick jump we’re suddenly seeing David being carried out on a stretcher and there’s blood everywhere. Casually. They flash a solo shot of Jordan kicked back on the couch to insinuate he murdered David in cold blood. Every season we see an ambulance scene in the teaser that is supposed to make us believe the men fought and it is ALWAYS a fakeout. So taking it one step further and just tossing this scene in out of nowhere then trying to lead us to believe Jordan killed David is the farthest I will allow ABC to take this farce. Enough is enough. We return from commercial to the guys LITERALLY mopping up blood and describing David’s conditions and questioning if he’s alive. IF HE IS ALIVE. Chris visits Becca to give her the news. Becca goes WHO DID THAT and Chris Harrison responds with, “he fell out of bed and landed on his face.” How on earth did Chris deliver that line without hysterically laughing? Becca calls him and is like we totally won’t tell America that you almost killed yourself sleeping LOLOLOL just kidding cat’s out of the bag! SO IN CASE YOU MISSED IT, AN ALREADY ANNOYING GUY DIDN’T KNOW HOW TO SLEEP IN A BUNK BED AND FELL, BREAKING HIS NOSE AND APPARENTLY BLEEDING OUT ALL OVER THE MANSION. Don’t worry though. He’s coming back because he can’t miss his five minutes of fame. And now Becca can’t even cut him out of pity. Because he fell out of bed. And ended up in the ICU. This show is slowly killing me.

We Can Tackle Anything Together with Clay, Garrett, Leo, Christon, Bryan, John, Mike, Lincoln, Connor & Blake

Becca enlists the support from the Legends football league for this date and I honestly have no clue what that even is. Either way, Becca is surprised to see another side to Clay. He was a professional football player. What is surprising that he’s good at football? (I will redact this later.) The guys tackle each other and Becca soaks her athleisure on the sidelines. In ambulance drama part 2; Clay has a wrist injury and needs to be taken to the ER. I’VE NEVER BEEN MORE OVER THE MEDICAL DRAMATICS. Act like normal humans and spend 6 weeks without needing to be rushed to a hospital, guys.

Later, Garrett lifts Becca in the air and she’s like put me down, my bhole is out. Blake gets in his head about going from a one on one to a group date. He calls Becca his girlfriend and she mounts him. Judging by how giddy Blake makes her, we are to assume he’s getting rosed. But THEN, Clay, who couldn’t attend at first because he was getting a soft cast velcroed on his wrist, surprisingly shows up in a sling and gets the rose, pity style.

Cocktail Hour

Clay does some soul searching because he needs a surgery immediately to “save” his wrist. He needs to decide if he wants to stay for Becca or leave for football. CLAY. IF YOU GOT INJURED IN A PICKUP GAME, YOU NEVER HAD A FOOTBALL CAREER TO BEGIN WITH. GOODBYE, LEGO HEAD. FOREVER. Becca cries to the camera and says she has nothing left and she’s just done. I’ll bet you 1 million dollars she was talking about ANYTHING else or her sentence was edited to that because there is no way on this planet that she’s that torn up about Clay leaving. I’ll tell you what I am done with is starting the cycle of rose ceremonies at the beginning of an episode. BOOOOOOO to this week’s episode. Next week better dazzle the shit out of me or include all of the Jordan one-liners in the world or I’M OUT.

Standard
Television, The Bachelorette

The Bachelorette – I Wore My Underwear, Bro

becca

I’m Ready for My Big Day with Clay, Nick, Chris R, David, Jean Blanc, Jordan, Connor & Lincoln

The guys try on tuxes and Jordan needs to show off how he walks like a model. They go outside to do the exact same date that Rachel had all of her guys do last season (an obstacle course) and whatdya know, Rachel and Bryan are there to help. I’m honestly kind of sick of Rachel coming off as such a badass kewl gurl in her guest appearances because she couldn’t have been more of a plain bagel when she was the bachelorette. Guess it goes to show that once you’re contracted to be the lady everyone is trying to date, you can’t say shit like “What that mouth do.”

rachel

Lincoln won but he apparently cheated in the ice tub so obviously all the other men are enraged about it. Later, Lincoln attacks Becca’s face like it’s a Christmas ham and he hasn’t eaten in weeks. It doesn’t look like she’s enjoying this even a little. Lincoln puts his framed photo with Becca in the middle of the coffee table and everyone cries about it. The picture gets tossed and broken into shards by a jelly belly who didn’t appreciate Lincoln whispering sweet nothings to it. Becca then has to mediate this little bitch fit. Becca makes it clear that she’s looking for a man and not a whiny baby who tattles on other people or smashes picture frames. Not LOVING Connor or Lincoln if we’re being honest. Same with Becca cause Jean Blanc gets the rose.

The next morning Lincoln cried ACTUAL tears because watching the picture being broken “broke his heart.” Jordan takes a group of bros outside to laugh at Lincoln’s croc tears, which is ironic coming from the buffoon who made us all watch his blue steel. Then he pronounces ingenuity “ingenuinity.” Send Jordan to the Center For Children Who Can’t Read Good And Wanna Learn To Do Other Stuff Good Too. STAT.

zoolander

Let’s Lose Control with Blake

blake

Chris Harrison brings them to an abandoned warehouse where they are to change into jumpsuits and break shit that reminds her of Arie while Lil Jon (?) shouts nonsense into a microphone and plays a song from 10 years ago…when Lil Jon was relevant. Becca looks so joyful while smashing Arie-related shit that if I were Blake this would be a red flag but he’s like I love that she’s so happy right now. YIKES. Side and completely unrelated note HOW THA HELL DID SHE MAKE THIS OUTFIT CUTE?!

Screen Shot 2018-06-05 at 9.18.22 AM

At dinz, Blake tells Becca that he fell hard and fast in a past relationship. His girlfriend told him she loved him 2 months in and then 2 days later she dumped him. Hmm, I can understand feeling the need to say it back if he said it first but like who initiates that when YOU’RE GOING TO BREAK UP WITH HIM?! I am fired up. There’s more to this story and I need to hear it. Something’s fishy. Anyway, Blake gets rosed and feels like tonight is the beginning of their love story. Learn your lesson, Blake. Slow it down.

Loves Comes At You Hard and Fast with Garrett, Rickey, John, Bryan, Alex, Christon, Trent, Leo, Wills & Colton

dodgeball

Three little sasshole children actors are hired to reenact Dodgeball (the movie) with this group of wieners except it’s 10x less funny. I’d rather watch these guys dodge wrenches any day of the week. They take it even further by bringing Fred Willard BACK FROM THE DEAD (literally has someone checked his pulse lately) to do commentary for the game with Chris Harrison. It’s the opposite of funny. Leo leaves his hair down during the game, which is my BIGGEST pet peeve and the only thing I can focus on. Who won? No clue, but Leo had sweaty hair matted to his face and in his eyes the whole time, which could have been prevented with a simple hair tie. (Ya hear me, 90% of girls at the gym?! PHYSICAL ACTIVITY ISN’T A FASHION SHOW!)

cotton

Wills HAS to be high during his time with Becca, as he cries about his parent’s 50th anniversary and then goes in real hard for the kiss. Then Colton feels like he needs to get it off his chest right away that he dated Tia from last season. And by that he means they spent a weekend together (that’s a relationship in Bachelor world.) He didn’t feel the spark with Tia and hopes that Becca lets him stay because he sees a future with them. Becca’s pezzed. Wills gets the rose. Curveball. Then Becca cries even though I feel like her and Tia aren’t that tight and if they were SHE WOULD’VE ALREADY KNOWN ABOUT COLTON.

Cocktail Hour

Clay does an intricate football celebration dance just to be able to smooch Becca. Connor makes amends by framing a picture of his face and allowing her to toss it into the pool because that’s not really who he is. If Becca falls for this I’ll be pissed. (Spoiler alert: I’m pissed.) Jordan stripped down to his briefs *but kept his shoes on*. Practical. It’s cool though because he just doesn’t want Becca to get the wrong image of him and think he’s 007 all the time. He’s not. He’s also naked sometimes in dress shoes. After some babble about wanting a “mini Jordan” on his shoulder, he steers his nut huggers right into the hot seat with the chicken guy. It’s a literal cockfight. Get it? Cause Jordan’s penis is actually poking out of those undies and David dressed up as a chicken on night one. BOOM. Neither one of them knows how to pronounce ingenuity. Colton takes the time to show us he has a lisp and also prove that he’s an honest guy. Becca feels like she should let him go, which really means her vagina wants him to stay and that’s what will happen.

Rose Ceremony

Jean Blanc, Blake, Wills, Chris R., Jason, John, Clay, Mike, Connor, Leo, David, Garrett, Nick, Bryan, Christon, Jordan, Lincoln & Colton

Standard
Television, The Bachelorette

The Bachelorette – Let’s Do the Damn Rebound!

chicken

If ABC teaches us anything it’s that if you allow them to tape your breakup, they will throw you a bone and let you cruise around LA in a red Ferrari convertible for shits and giggles.

Becca sits down with Rachel, JoJo and my gurl Kaitlyn. They’re like F**K Arie, you do you girl. True to form, Kaitlyn either got completely edited or she wasn’t allowed to say a thing. They “sage” the house aka just set off the smoke alarms. Then hammer it home how stupid guys are and how smart and intuitive women are because they pick the right guy for them 99.9% of the time on this show. As if that wasn’t already obvious. Now onto the boys…

Clay, 30 – Pro football player for 9 years and since I recently called him out for not really being one it certainly sounds like he’s retired now. He’s played on literally every team but his main focus is his family. When he meets Becca he plays up the football puns with saying he’ll be the biggest catch of her life and that he’ll catch her inside. My eyes rolled all over town with that. Then he brings it home by bringing literal clay for him and Becca to make sculptures with. I cannot physically listen to this man speak as it takes him 10 years to spit out a sentence.

Garrett does his Chris Farley impression right off the bat and I want to chop my head off. He’s an outdoorsy guy. Drives up to the mansion in a minivan and says one day he hopes to be a great dad. The minivan is stocked with diapers and soccer balls. Coming on REAL strong. Teaches Becca how to fish in the pool. Gives her a fly for fly-fishing and Becca thinks he’ll fit in really well with her family. Basically despite his general obnoxious demeanor, he played his cards right by standing out night one and therefore won the first impression rose AND the first smooooooch.

Jordan, 26 – As it could have been predicted from his headshot and quick bio, Jordan is a grade A male model asshole. He says things like, “The power is in the brows” or “Modeling is so much more than being ridiculously good looking. There is so much involved, it’s taxing.” He can see himself eating chocolate and watching chick flicks with Becca but HOW CAN HE DO THAT AND KEEP HIS FIGURE? Jordan then spends the entire first night talking about how much effort he put into his outfit to stand out and roasting everyone else’s’ outfits. He has a serious vendetta against a man wearing loafers without socks and also I’m confident he didn’t speak a word to Becca. Jordan is our character this season that producers will keep around just to piss us off but he’s certainly not a contender.

Lincoln, from Nigeria, likes to work out, gives Becca a Nigerian bracelet so that she’s part of the family. I can’t decide if I hate or love Lincoln’s accent and I’ll report back on that ASAP.

Joe, 31 – owns a grocery store and compares love to produce. He keeps winking and it’s unnerving. Upon exiting the limo, he shits his pants and forgot what he was gonna say to her. I guess talking about how he used to sell watermelons wholesale didn’t soak Becca’s panties and therefore winky Joe was cut loose at the rose ceremony.

Jean Blanc, 31 – Born in Haiti, and has over 100 bottles of cologne, “I’m gonna blow her nose away.” Gross, JB. Don’t ever say that again. In his intro, JB teaches Becca how to say, “let’s do the damn thing” in French. Gives Becca a candle with a poem on top that ends in “Let’s do the damn thing.” ENOUGH of that.

Colton, 26 – America’s sweetheart right here, Colton is a hotter version of Clay and heads a national cystic fibrosis charity. Unfortunately he’s only had one serious relationship and he’s quite young still so this could really hinder his chances to be the winner. But he’s the first out of the limo and gives Becca a confetti cannon to start things off with a bang.

Connor, 25 – Gets on his knee to say he’s opened his heart and is ready to do the damn thing. Steals her first and pops champagne with a knife. Connor is showy and also an infant. I don’t think this will take him far. Also she’s already made a comment about how Arie robbed her of her first proposal and you got down on one knee as your intro? Cool it.

John, 28 – talked about his grandparents with Becca and tells her right off the bat that he created Venmo. So at least she knows he’s rich.

Leo has his long ass hair up in a bun so that he can let it down for a dumb bit. She says he has hair like her sister so I’m guessing she’s NOT into it.

Nick wears a racecar driver suit and said what kind of dick wears this and strips it off. SUPER dumb and judging his bio I want this guy outta here ASAP.

Mike brings a cutout of Arie to say hopefully he gets a chance to see you as happy as you are tonight. Why. There is absolutely no need to bring up that wiener one single time in front of Becca. She got dumped on TV, you should be making her try to forget him not bring A LIFESIZE CUTOUT OF HIM TO LURK IN THE CORNER.

Blake met her already (after the rose) and put her on a horse. This time he rode a bull in? Blake just got out of a serious relationship and felt like he knows what he wants now. Becca feels like they’re on the same wavelength and they’re really vibing because they both just have so much love to give.

Chase- “It’s all about the chase” BYEEE. Immediately has to defend himself and say that he’s here for the right reasons because another one of the Florida wieners knows his ex girlfriend who has been bad mouthing him. Chases’ defense is that he’s been watching the show with his mom forever and that’s just how women are. He THEN brings Chris over to talk about his ex girlfriend with Becca and try to prove that he’s a good guy. It’s super awkward and now I hate both Chris and Chase.

Ryan wears a hideous floral jacket

Christon literally dunks over Becca’s head and even the guys watching were turned on.

Wills – admits he’s a closet nerd, has a HP tattoo

Jason – teaches Becca a queer handshake and I still hate him.

Kamil makes Becca walk to him in the driveway to say that relationships are 50/50 but really it turns into 60/40 and he’s kind of just a dick. He’s not a little embarrassed; he’s REALLY embarrassed about getting dumped on a first date.

Jake – As soon as this turd steps out of the limo Becca is like ummm we’ve met before and she doesn’t seem thrilled to be seeing him again so my immediate thought is that they’ve drunk banged before. Turns out they’ve been hanging out in the same group for years and he’s never shown interest before so Becca confronts him to ask if he’s actually on the show to date her. She sends him packing immediately. He takes it really well. JK he says he had a transformative year and he’s one of the most romantic f’ing people you’ll ever meet. If you’ve been friends with a girl for 2 years and go on a show to date her you better have a better excuse than a TRANSFORMATIVE year!

Trent shows up in a hearse and hops out and screams that he literally died but Becca brought him back to life. Get LAWST, Trent.

David wears a chicken costume and crows her name out. Uses STUPID chicken phrases to introduce himself. Becca thinks he’s fun. “I’m a lucky bird and Becca’s a cool chick” UGH. BECCA. DO BETTER THAN THIS.

Chris introduces a choir to win over Uncle Gary. After that he immediately initiates himself as this seasons’ snitch when he starts a powwow with two strangers about how Chase isn’t here for the right reasons and he wants to hold a coup to get him off the show. I hope Chris is gone soon but I know all too well that whistleblowers like him stick around to call everyone else out before they’re finally tossed. You’re not looking out for Becca; you’re just a pain in the ass.

Roses: Garrett, Lincoln, Rickey, Jean Blanc, Christon, Clay, Wills, Connor, Jason, John, Ryan, Alex, Nick, Trent, Colton, David, Jordan, Leo, Mike, Chris

Standard
Television, The Bachelorette

The Bachelorette S14 – Ranking the Contestants

Becca

Listen, not only is this show slowly but surely going down the shitter but they’ve also apparently done away with the quirky questionnaire under each person’s photo. So you’ll have to excuse me if this blog seems meaner than previous ones because I have LITERALLY nothing to go off of but these stupid headshots and a very general cheesy game show contestant blurb about each person. How am I supposed to judge you and make fun of the very essence of your being if they’ve crafted a PR sentence about you instead of asking what your greatest fear is? Seriously ABC, make this MORE difficult for me to blog. They also did Becca WAY dirty in this picture. What’s with the lace blazer? Come on. If you’re gonna pound “Do the Damn Thing” into the ground as this season’s catch phrase than at least allow your lead to look like the babe that she is in her cast photos instead of a mom attending a board meeting.

If I may make a blanket statement, which I usually do without your permission, they led all casting calls at “professional” athlete/aspiring model camp in Florida. Let’s get the Floridians out of the way, shall we?

Trent, 28

Trent

This guy here moved TO Florida to pursue an acting career. Is this a thing that I’m unaware of? Is Florida the up and coming hotspot for models? Cause my first thought is the plot of Magic Mike and that’s not really the catalog work that Trent here is bragging about.

Jordan, 26

Jordan

Nope it’s really a thing. Jordan is ALSO a model in Florida and he likes to run when he’s not “posing for magazine shoots.” All of the eye rolls in the world.

Nick, 27

Nick

This weirdo refers to himself as a “weekend warrior” who can usually be seen in his “signature tracksuits” I hope for all of our eyes’ sake we never have to see this signature outfit.

Jean Blanc, 31

Jean Blanc

Bio schmooze-writer felt the need to list this entire guy’s resume of the places he’s lived and the schools he’s attended. None of this erases the fact that he lives in Florida and is a “Colognoisseur” AKA he collects colognes. LOSER.

Chris, 30

Chris

Chris wants to retire in his 40’s like the rest of his family. Make it far enough in this show and you’ll retire with InstaG money, sir.

Chase, 27

Chase

First of all Chase, work on your smile because this sinister look will give me nightmares forever. Second of all, Chase’s highlight reel consisted of all the sports he played in college. Congrats on being athletic when you were 18. No1currrrrs.

Connor, 25

Connor

And this here is your diamond in the rough from the Florida bunch. He’s cute, loves his fitness and apparently was a former pro baseball player. Could be nice eye candy but he’s a baby and there’s no way he’s ready for marriage. He’s this season’s Dean.

Christon, 31

Christon

And now we move into the athlete/former athlete portion of our program. Christon is a FORMER Harlem Globetrotter. So like he made a career of doing tricks on the basketball court. Now he’s a pro dunker. Do with that what you will.

Clay, 30

Clay

Clay is a pro football player but they’re not name dropping a team, which makes this 100% bullshit. Either he’s benched, injured, retired or whatever because there is no chance they’re tossing an active football player on a reality dating show. Also he has the widest head I’ve quite possibly ever seen. Unrelated, but needed to be noted.

Mike, 27

Mike

Mike is a sports analyst who, “loves festivals, horse racing and state fairs.” So Mike is a degenerate.

Garrett, 29

Garrett

This guy is weirdly obsessed with Chris Farley and can’t wait to show off his impression which most likely is cringeworthy. Fingers crossed it’s his limo entrance and Becca will want to burrow away from him immediately.

Blake, 28

Blake

Blake believes two people need to be completely independent in order to truly be in love. Hm.

Leo, 31

Leo

Leo is a stuntman and he’s been growing his hair for the past 10 years. Leo makes my skin crawl.

Ryan, 26

Ryan

Ryan plays the banjo and is super into his family banjo band and I literally said UGHHHH out loud as I read that. We don’t need someone jamming the banjo down our throats all season.

Lincoln, 26

Lincoln

This kid is Nigerian and was named after Abraham Lincoln. BRUH, YOU’RE NOT EVEN FROM THIS COUNTRY WHY THE HELL ARE YOU NAMED AFTER A US PRESIDENT?!

Jason, 29

Jason

“A successful banker with a heart of gold” God I hate this show. Seriously think of a more stupid sentence to describe someone. News flash Jason, we can tell you’re a banker by your dumb slicked Wall Street wannabe hairstyle. You look like Gordon Bombay trying to dress like the bhole Iceland coach. AND THAT IS NOT A COMPLIMENT. (Spoiler Alert: since CNY salivates at the notion of anyone with a tv crew in town, Syracuse.com already wrote an article a full 2 months ago about how this boner gets a hometown date. Makes me hate this show even more.)

David, 25

David

Speaking of stupid, here’s another successful business man. Because of course that’s how you describe a 25 year old. Also, he “loves avocado but hates guacamole.” A walking conundrum.

Darius, 26

Darius

D-Money lives a life of service so he’s charitable AF and probably won’t last long in this testosterone pissing contest.

John, 28

John

I fell asleep reading this guys’ bio and he looks like a dad.

Wills, 29

Wills

He seems cool but all we really know is that he’s into Harry Potter and has a plural first name.

Jake, 29

Jake

Jake’s a thrill seeker and into motocross. I was into that DCOM Motocrossed where the girl chops her hair short to compete with the boys and then falls in love with Riley Smith. Same thing, really.

Grant, 27

Grant

Again, nothing really special here. Apparently he’s sarcastic AF so maybe that’ll keep things fun or maybe it’ll be really annoying. Time will tell.

Rickey, 27

Rickey

I think Rickery Dickery Dock made an app or something for fitness but have you seen his bowtie game? Between that and the maroon jacket, he’s inched toward the top of the list.

Joe, 31

Joe

Tale as old as time, record breaking stockbroker turned grocery store owner. Joe didn’t have any true red flags and he’s pretty cute so here we are. If we’re being completely honest, in my notes I wrote “he’s fine” and starred him. So that’s where our standards lie now for contestant bios.

Christian, 28

Christian

This hombre is from Mexico and a semi-pro futbol player so that’s pretty spicy. Except that his occupation is banker. So clearly he wasn’t that good at footie. He probably just plays on a co-ed club team.

Kamil, 30

Kamil

Gotta rep my fellow upstate NY’ers (except for James) even though “social media participant” isn’t a career and if it was, I wouldn’t be unemployed right now…or ever. Kamil is from Poland and “dabbles in modeling.” I make my friends take pictures of me every weekend so I guess you could so I also dabble in modeling. Kammy and I have a ton in common and I’m pulling for him.

Colton, 26

Colton

Colton is dazzling but he’s probably not the winner. He’s another one of those former pro football players, forced to quit due to injury who is now dedicated to his charity work and loves spending time with his family. Sounds like the perfect man, but might be a little too young for the Beccster.

Alex, 31

Alex

Alex is the man Becca deserves according to my opinion alone. He’s a little older, a construction manager, loves his dog and listening to country music on his boat. Plus look at that cute smile. Alex & Becca 4eVeR.

As always, if I’ve chosen the one who gets kicked off the first night or turns out to be a crazy person I cannot be held liable as THEY GIVE US NO INFORMATION TO MAKE THESE PREDICTIONS OFF OF. Peep the full bios HERE and LET’S. DO. THE. DAMN. THING.

 

Standard
Television, The Bachelor

The Bachelor – It’s All About Becca

squad

HEY GUYS WE’RE BACK! As if this wasn’t enough of a ratings ploy, we kicked off the after show by watching THE EXACT SAME THING WE ALREADY WATCHED. Yanno, in case it wasn’t already hammered home that Becca got dumped, why not watch it all over again? Then we watch her fly home (coach) and sit on her couch looking at pictures and videos of her and Arie and sob. It’s almost like producers handed her these things and then turned cameras on…

Meanwhile, Arie is on a direct flight to Virginia Beach to get Lauren back and “have a panic attack” outside of her house. She obviously 100% expected him as she jumped into his arms and told him it was so hard being rejected that she moved back home with her parents. Must be nice to quit your “job” over heartbreak and move back in with mommy and daddy. She asks why he didn’t propose to her and Arie said it was because he saw a flash of doubt in her eye once and basically picked Becca because it was the safe choice and she seemed like she’d make a great wife. Could this guy BE a bigger asshole?! Apparently not to Lauren, who basically writhes all over him and demands the ring pronto tonto. PS Arie also tells Lauren he’s 1000% over Becca, like 3 days after dumping her. So that’s nice. Glad he has feels.

Now we’re back to the “live” portion, or as it quickly becomes evident, fluff on fluff on fluff. Not sure how Kendall, Bekah, Sienne, Caroline & Tia became the Peanut Gallery of this year’s finale but they’ve gotten more screen time than Becca herself and it’s getting REAL annoying (I’m looking at you Bekah, trying to stretch that missing girl, big chandelier earring, fame as far as it will go.) Chris brings the Spice Girls down to ask them what they think of all of this, individually, the question phrased differently each time. Lemme save you 25 mins, they all think Arie’s a douchenozzle, Becca is queen and dodged a bullet and Lauren better GET OUT QUICK.

bekah

Becca’s trucked back out to show everyone that she’s still a babe and she’s doing just fine, and to reassure the world that airing her breakup in full shouldn’t make us all irrationally angry. Once she confirms with Chris that it’s totes ok for producers to exploit her life and she signed up for this, Chris is like GREAT, let’s joke about it-check out these billboards, HAHAHA. Becca offers to donate all the drink money everyone’s been venmoing her and Chris is like YES WE WILL MATCH. Not for nothing but it sounds like Chris Harrison is speaking from a guilty conscience here after facing a little TOO much backlash on night one.

BECCA, ARIE LUYENDYK JR.

Becca gets her moment to face Arie and be the bigger person (cough cough because she’s being preened to step into Bachelorette) and all I wanted was for her to say, “First of all, how dare you?” Instead she forgives him and Arie is still a bumbling idiot who stutters, “I do regret regret proposing that day.” Becca responds that he robbed her of her first engagement and proposal which is SO true but like stay in this franchise and it won’t really matter in another year, girl.

In other useless television, Jason Mesnick and his 100 year old People cover that was once “SCANDALOUS” are also trotted out to waste even more time. Chris Harrison continues to make everything about himself saying he received threats after what they aired. Something tells me Chris has never faced a second of disapproval in his life and he’s really struggling with it. He would like Jason to comfort him.

Lauren and Arie come out next to try and get us all to like them again. It doesn’t work. Chris tells Lauren, “I can’t even imagine what’s going through your mind right now.” And she says, “Me neither.”

 

I want you to let that sink in for a minute.

 

This is the most truthful thing that has ever been said on this whole season. Literally not a thought in Lauren’s brain and she FULLY admits it. You’re so pretty, Lauren. Keep up the good work.

LAUREN, ARIE LUYENDYK JR.

They reveal that their romantic story continued when Arie slid into her DM’s on New Year’s Eve. If I may borrow a favorite word from Lauren, WOW! WHAT A LOVE STORY. Lauren gets dumped for another girl, then they’re reconnected in the lush forest of DM’s. HOW much do you wanna bet it was after Lauren posted a babe soda I’m doing better than you selfie? The HAPPY couple is about to head out of the country and stay off of social media because everyone obviously hates them and also that’s what two people who don’t have jobs do. After they return, Lauren is moving to Arizona probably because she’s living with her parents right now and also because in this ass backwards franchise, the girl ALWAYS uproots her life and moves to the guys’ home city, which is preposterous, among many other things of course. Arie tries to sell everyone on him and Lauren like its a piece of real estate (see what I did there?) and not a living, breathing, relationship. Then he takes the opportunity to propose in front of an audience that is NOT having it, in the most staged and disingenuous way. I didn’t think anything could be more cringeworthy and tone deaf than him knocking on the bathroom door while the fiance he just dumped sobs and asking if she was ok AND THEN THIS PROPOSAL HAPPENED. What a joke. Obviously Lauren says yes, Chris Harrison wishes them at least one month more than Arie’s previous engagement and literally not one person in the audience gives a shit. PS you bet your bottom dollar I had my eyes glued to the TV to see if it was the same ring. How dirt city is it that Arie just 100% weaseled another free ring out of ABC/ya boy Neil Lane? I mean it’s not shocking at this point, because everything Arie does is terrible. BUT STILL I’M MAD ABOUT IT.

Oh, and also Becca is the next Bachelorette BECAUSE OF COURSE and we kill more time by asking what all her “BFF’s” (the peanut gallery) think of her being the bachelorette and then she meets 3 or 4 (honestly I don’t remember) of the guys from her season right onstage and it’s awkward and weird and NOW WE ARE FINALLY FINISHED WITH THAT WANKER ARIE! Thanks British contestant, who will only last longer next season because of your accent, for pointing that out. Can we all take a moment to laugh at the fact that Arie came out of this show looking like a total troutsniffer, no one even cared about his proposal and the finale was all about how flawle$$ Becca is. That makes me very happy. Now accepting over/unders on Lauren and Arie’s relashe. Something tells me escaping to another country to avoid a media shitstorm ISN’T A GR8 OMEN.

 

Standard
Television, The Bachelor

The Bachelor – “I’m not like, gonna hug you goodbye.”

Meeting the FAM!

Arie tells his dad that he’s in love with both girls and his dad replies, “good luck, buddy!” Lauren meets the gang first. Arie just wants Lauren to speak today around his family. That’s pretty much all he’s hoping for. Lauren is concerned she’ll have another broken engagement, Arie is concerned he’ll be in another relationship where his significant other is a mute. That sums up Lauren’s viz.

Screen Shot 2018-03-05 at 11.19.36 PM

Next, everyone in the fam talks about how much they loved Lauren and how they pre-judged and hate Becca without giving her a chance. Mama L tells Arie, “I love Lauren but I also love Becca.” And Arie is like WELCOME TO MY LIFE, BETCH. Arie Sr asks Becca if her and Lauren get along. WHY DOES IT MATTER? He says they’re both nice and he’d be fine with either choice. What a dick. The fact that Becca’s entire visit has been about Lauren is a foreshadowing like no other. Surprisingly, the family casts their votes for Becca because she’s independent and can hold her own and not take any shit from Arie. Whereas Lauren seems like a baby bitch who constantly needs reassurance and to be pulled out of her shell. I’m paraphrasing here. But it sounds like Arie feels like he should be with an outgoing girl but always ends up speaking on behalf of his girlfriends and wanting to take care of them. So basically he was hoping his parents told him it was ok to be with Lauren, and when they didn’t say that he was like well, fuck.

Machu Picchu with Lauren

ARIE LUYENDYK JR., LAUREN B.

Arie and Lauren talk about how lucky they are. Honestly that’s all I took away from this date. Basically Arie is looking for each girl to prove that she’s the one for him and it’s not gonna happen. So he’s just jabbering on and on about why he loves her, looking for reassurance. At this point in the episode I grabbed a handful of peanut M&M’s from my candy dish on my coffee table and for fear of getting the colors to rub off on my clammy hands, I set them down on the couch but they kept rolling around, so I instead pulled out the front of my oversized Bayside Tigers sweatshirt and created a little pouch as a holding tank for my candies so I could toss them down the hatch one by one without having to reach so far. Telling this story and laughing out loud about it is 1 ZILLION BILLION TIMES MORE INTERESTING THAN WATCHING THIS DATE OR 5 HOURS IN TOTAL OF A BACHELOR FINALE. Later, Lauren tells Arie why she loves him and how she’s so ready and unafraid of their future together. They talk about how they both envision drinking coffee in the morning and taking the dogs for a walk. Neither of them say where that will be, which seems like KIND OF an important detail for people from two different cities. But they love each other so much and that’s that.

Baby Alpaca with Becca

BECCA, ARIE LUYENDYK JR.

They try on drug rugs, go to a petting zoo basically and Arie spends the whole time comparing Becca to Lauren. What a dink. (Side note: taking one girl to see an amazing landmark and another one shopping at a farmers market should be illegal.) Later Becca confesses that she’s afraid of and threatened by Arie’s relationship with Lauren. Arie stutters don’t worry, just think about us. But like also says he’s feeling conflicted. This is a foreshadowing like no other. Becca presents a scrapbook to Arie that she made with a long message about her dad dying and pictures of all their dates and room for pictures of their baby. YIKES THAT ESCALATED QUICKLY. The biggest takeaway here is why is Becca still using her last initial to sign the scrapbook this far along?

In between commercial breaks, we’re treated to Chris Harrison gathering a smattering of kicked off contestants and dum dum bumbling bachelors past to offer their one sentence input on what we’ve seen so far. I wonder if when the show pitches 5 hours for a finale, they’re like we’re just going to ad lib for about a collective half hour with whoever will agree to appear. GREAT TV. It did give us this gem though…

Who knew Ben Higgins was funny?! Learn something new every day.

Arie picks out the ring probably not knowing who the hell is gonna be wearing it and does not have the common Bachelor(ette) courtesy of letting the loser down easy the night before or that morning so they don’t get all dolled up to get dumped.

Lauren is the first out of the limo and history is not on her side with that one. Lauren’s whole speech is about how she had her guard up because she was scared but in reality she loved him all along and can’t wait to love him forever. Arie says something has been holding him back and he can’t go through with it and he can’t explain it. He walks her out and Lauren goes, “Why did you do that?” and Arie says he didn’t know until that morning. Bullshit. In her car ride home Lauren questions, “how can you get down on one knee when you weren’t sure like, 3 hours ago?” Valid question, Lauren. VALID QUESTION.

Becca then emerges from the limo and we still have AN HOUR left. COME ON. I’ve now resorted to reading an actual book during the show and looking up every few minutes to see if I’ve missed something major. Becca’s speech is about how comfortable she is with Arie and how easy their relationship is. Becca gives Arie confidence and his love for her is immeasurable. He thinks about their kids and growing old together and he chooses her for every day for forever but wait…does he? The both celebrate and say it’s just us now! And talk about having babies. This is so totally cringeworthy and we haven’t even gotten to the “uncut breakup” yet.

Screen Shot 2018-03-05 at 11.20.03 PM

Chris steps in to tell us normally this is where the story ends BUT NOT TONIGHT. And we’re brought into the weeks after the proposal where Arie tells the camera that he wakes up every day thinking about Lauren and feels as though he’s made a mistake. He talks to Chris Harrison first of course, because ratings and says he’s made up his mind and wants to pull the switcheroo. Becca rolls up to an Air B&B expecting a romantic couples getaway in LA and she’s about to be dumped on camera. Not for nothing, but it should be a HUGE red flag that the proposal has happened and there’s still a camera crew following you around and asking you for confessionals. How is it possible that Becca is not suspicious of this? I feel like she’s gotta be more woke about this having just been on a reality show for that many months. Regardless, we’re then treated to like 30 mins of uncut exploitation of a girl getting her heart curbstomped. It’s excruciating. There’s literally no other way to describe it. Arie tells Becca he wants to see if there’s something still there with Lauren and then quite literally will not leave after he tells her he doesn’t want her. Becca says she’s done, goes into the bathroom to sob her face off and Arie’s like hey how’s it going in there? GET. LAWST. BRUH. He forces her to sit down and talk again because he’s the worst 40 year old human with grey sonic the hedgehog hair on this planet and finally after she tells him for the bazillionth time to leave, he gets the hint and peels out in search of a future full of “wow’s.”

Screen Shot 2018-03-05 at 11.19.07 PM

Cut to Becca onstage with Chris watching this brutal slaughtering once again with a live audience AS IF SHE DIDN’T ACTUALLY LIVE IT. Her and Arie haven’t spoken since the filmed breakup. And Chris is like well  do you want to see him? Because he’ll be on this stage tomorrow live and we’ll continue this WHOLE CHARADE! I hate everyone.

PS I’m interested to see what Lauren thinks of her current boyfriend telling the girl he proposed to (Becca) that he saw absolutely no future and had to force it with the girl he’s currently dating (Lauren.) Hey Arie, once it’s said on TV, it’s forever, baby.

Standard