Music, Red Carpet, Television

CMA Awards Red Carpet 2019

Honestly forgot the CMA Awards were last night because I’m poor as dirt and had to cancel my cable subscription, but happy to report I stole someone else’s so that I could still tune in to get in touch with my country roots and hear Reba perform Fancy for the 6 millionth time because that song came out BEFORE I WAS EVEN BORN. Way to stay current, CMA’s. FTR, they also trucked Dolly Parton (another host) out to bring Nashville to the house of the Lord and sing a bunch of songs about good ole G-O-D. I get that both Rebz and Dolly are basically country royalty but like…why.  And since I came hot at Reba & Dolly (sorry, not sorry) I will also make up for it by saying that the performance of Girl Crush by up-and-coming female country stars was great. AND my favorite performance of the night was Lady Antebellum and Halsey doing a medley of What If I Never Get Over You and Graveyard. It was something I never would have expected and they crushed it. All of the claps in the world for when Halsey just busts out that kickass angel voice with no theatrics or weird dominatrix dance routines. ANYWHO. Y’all know country red carpets are the BEST to judge because some people go glam, some people go white trash and black country singers find a way to mix both and I’m really hoping they stop that soon. It’s not racist if I’m just making an observation. BLACK COUNTRY SINGERS DO NOT NEED AN ADDITIONAL REASON TO STAND OUT.  LOOK TO DARIUS RUCKER AS YOUR GUIDING LIGHT. Ok. Here we go.

WORST

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Oh, Trish. Gurlfran. Leopard print–Great. Zebra print–horribly unflattering. An important lesson in animal print for us all.

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Remembs 15 years ago when Gretchen Wilson came out with Redneck Woman? Guess she’s still stickin to that mantra real hard with this outfit that I can only assume a middle-aged mom from the midwest would wear to a club in NYC thinking she’s a real housewife. One swift move and we all see Gretchen’s redneck hooha.

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No clue who this is, I just needed to bring this horrendous monstrosity of an outfit into the light. That’s one way to embrace the jumpsuit trend. Certainly can’t miss it!

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I honestly don’t even know what garbage is sprinkled all over Nicole’s dress but it looks like a kid’s arts and crafts project. Also lolerskates to Keith’s platforms, always.

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Hate to see it, but I feel like Reese just popped out of the movie poster for Sweet Home Alabama and I also feel like the trends of the early 2000’s should never be revisited.

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I recently dipped my toe in the trendy hat game, and I am very sensitive and would hate it if anyone laughed out loud at my hat. That being said, I laughed out loud at Colton’s hat. And really his whole outfit in general. I feel like he googled “NBA stars trendy” and came up with this outfit. Cassie looks fine but unfortunately when you hitch your cart to a fashion overachiever for a boyfriend, you might just end up on a worst dressed list. Dem’s da breaks.

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No one should ever wear head to toe white. Not even on your wedding day.

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UGHHHHHHHHHH I’m so over Kacey trying to be campy western forever.

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Ok, then.

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I’m a Decker fan through and through but I’ve seen both of them knock it out of the park on a red carpet and this is not it. Just trying to keep it real & challenge my crushes to constantly impress me with their fashion choices. Don’t mail it in next time, GUYS.

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You work out or something? BOOoOOOOOooOOOO.

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I feel like Kristin is constantly dressing for Broadway and maybe sometimes she could just roll up in a simple party dress and take it doooown a notch.

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I MEAN COME ON.

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I get the feeling RaeLynn thinks she’s actually Marilyn Monroe. Someone keep an eye on her wellbeing.

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I didn’t do my research (shocking to no one) and probably will sound ignorant but like, haven’t females in country music been busting through those glass ceilings left and right in the past few years? I feel like it’s the era of female country and thus this statement cape is ill-timed. Also Jennifer Nettles rubs me the wrong way and always has. Double also, if you’re going to go for a bold statement, actually spell out the F word and show you’re a real one.

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BLECH. What is happening here. Also now that she’s preggers, what will happen to her constantly having her entire body on display at every awards show? STAY TUNED.

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I lost it when I saw this poop suit and the straight SASS in which she’s posing it up. Confidence through the roof for a suede browtfit.

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Had to toss in your typical country boy who shows a little glamour for shits and giggles.

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How are we not seeing nipple here?

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Sometimes the double leg slit just weirds me out and looks like a panel that covers your bits. I’m probably being picky as hell but the more I looked at this, the less I liked it. And that’s why I have a blog that no one reads.

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This does not strike me as an awards dress and also I’m just still mad at Miranda for constantly stealing everyone’s husbands.

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I guess we’re really hitting the females in country theme home this year by bringing two of them back from beyond the grave to host with Carrie. Pains me to say it but none of these looks are blowing me away. Obviously the show contains several outfit changes, most of them during Reba’s performance of Fancy, but we’re just judging red carpet here and EHHHHH.

BEST

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I can totes get down with the constellation sprinkle on Jake’s jacket and his lady love looks like a real babe too.

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I’m loving the color coordination here and apparently I have a thing for stars this week because I’m all in on Mrs. Dierks whole dark magic vibez.

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Another couple that I hold to high standards because they always bring it for awards shows and I’ve definitely seen Lauren in better dresses but I’m not completely coldhearted and I’m not about to toss an entire family on the worst dressed. So basically their cute ass kids saved them here. I DO love Thomas’s polka dot look and really wish he performed Up instead of his song about how everyone gets old and dies. But whatevs.

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HEART EYES EMOJI. Mah gurl is 2 for 2 in recent red carpets lookin like the dime piece I know she is. I love classy Halsey and I need more of her in my life. Fingers crossed she keeps it up for the AMA’s.

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What a classic look for a real country hottie who does the opposite of Thomas Rhett and sings that grandpas never die. Real hot take. Also this is the part where I shamelessly bring it back to myself because I met him and I got to watch someone sneak into his meet & greet and give him a hat with Albany, NY on it that she specifically bought for him and it was v. cringeworthy. Plus I belong on a red carpet for my sassy pony (may it rest in peace ever since my tragic visit to Supercuts 2 weeks ago.)

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Bros lookin sharp.

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Sheryl Crow can be tossed into the pool of never-aging Hollywood greats.

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Again, I feel real uncomfy with shitting on kids fashion so shoutout to Pink & Carey and their minis really embracing the country theme. If we’re being real honest, I think I like both kids attires more than Pink’s burnt orange look.

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Daaaayummmmmn.

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This outfit & pose slayed me. From top to bottom: the protective goggle sunglasses, the HARD finger gunz, a Burberry-esque trench, the leather messenger bag like he’s going to class in 1998 and the “hiking” boots that American Eagle for SURE sold when I was in high school. SO MANY THINGS HAPPENING AT ONCE. And props to Blanco for committing to the bit and pulling the winner’s name out of his messenger bag later in the night.

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YAAASSS LEOPARD KWEENS!!!! Cough cough, this is how you safari, Trisha, COUGH.

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It appears as though Hil is wearing a waist trainer and probably ceased to breathe all evening, but she looks GR8.

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Sara Evans is approaching 50 and LOOK AT THOSE DAMN LEGS.

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I ain’t even mad that she mixed all of the animal prints because it nicely breaks up the zoot suit riot that is the rest of her group.

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I was actually so ready to shit all over this wet blanket (for those of you who didn’t see her run on the Bachelor, the nickname fits) but we all know I have a real weak spot for yellow.

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I love that this is not revealing at all and yet the rainbow makes it fun and fresh.

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Walker’s loafers look a little geeky but I’m diggin’ wifey’s dress.

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I’m pretty sure this is the only red of the evening and gurl is werking it.

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I know it’s not fair to give my favorite look of the night honor to someone who doesn’t even belong at an awards show but holy shit this is my favorite look of the night. Own those fifteen minutes and appear wherever they ask you to if they keep dressing you up like this, honey.

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What a cutie this fella is! Looking dapper with a dash of mountainman beard.

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Honestly I’ve seen like 4 people in Hollywood rock this silk PJ’s look now and I really just want a pair of these pants REAL bad. They look comfy AF.

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Ending on another high note of me shoving a picture of myself with someone famous enough to walk a red carpet right in your grillpiece. Tenille is adorable, makes polka dots look good and is also super nice and complimented my leopard pants. Because as you know, complimenting me will get you everywhere. Those are the rules. I didn’t write them. (JK, I totes did.)

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Red Carpet

AMA’s Red Carpet 2018

I tuned into the AMA’s to watch badd bitch Tay throw a ton of side eye and dramatic arm drops and let me tell you, she delivered. It’s no surprise she was my favorite look of the night as well. It IS surprising how generous I was for a group of hooligan youths at an awards show that’s all fan-voted though.

WORST

ashleeevan

I’ve seen Ash look better and to be honest I’m pretty sick of her top knot (I watch her reality show and she rarely takes that thing out) and I think it goes without saying that flood pants and a blazer over a bare chest is a hard no, Evan.

beberexha

This is the kind of red carpet look where you question the team of stylists around you and who told you this was awards show worthy. The hair and dress are god awful.

cardib

This is Cardi B. Obviously bitch is loud in everything that she does including chirping and clucking like a goddamn loon instead of speaking actual words. I almost hate it so much that I love it. Almost.

dualipakelsea

Knocked out two worst dressed in one pic. One in a terrible wedding dress and the other in a bee/zebra inspired costume.

khalid

Will 80’s mom ever be chic on a black man? Chuckin the deuces really added to the overall look thooo.

leighton

Cruella deWaldorf

chloehalle

Oh, look! It’s the new music act: creepy twins who wear matching cloaks!

kylerichards

How this bid weaseled her way onto a red carpet is beyond me but she looks like a Vegas show girl and that is the most obvious.

poppy

What.The.Shit.

postmalone

This is the face of rap today. This guy. What did we do to deserve this?

camilacabello

This is so so so so boring. Also unrelated but kind of related to the hate I’m feeling toward this outfit: that song Havana makes me wanna rip my ears clean off my head. Double also, tailor your pants.

tyra

SHINE BRIGHT, SHINE FAR…get this stupid outfit off Tyra, you’re not a Barbie magically brought to life, you’re a real human wearing a pompom as a skirt paired with a pirates shirt.

BEST

amberheard

Kind of a random celeb to be at this caliber of awards show but at least she looks good!

carrie

Classic bump pic where you can’t even see the bump. Oooh but she giving us that leg, guuuurl.

chainsmokers

These two have v. punchable faces but damnit credit where credit is due with some spicy suits and funky shoes.

cobietaran

COBIE! GET IT BOO! Robin Sparkles indeed.

halseygeazy

These two typically look like giant assholes so props for announcing they’re back together via red carpet and also looking fly as hell. G Eazy is pulling off those leather pants and Halsey isn’t wearing silk lingerie for once!

jjd

Ultimate pony sass.

jlo

There really are no words for JLo’s hotness anymore. Just assume she will forever be on the best dressed because she’s a babe soda who never ages.

ramimalek

I’m into this picnic jacket and I don’t really know why.

shawnmendes

Seriously people stop doing the peace sign on the red carpet. You look like a dweebosaurus. Other than that, well done!

TR

TR. What a cutie patootie.

tracee

I guess I was feeling extra generous tonight because I imagined her to be wearing something so much worse that when I saw this I was like ok, you’re good.

VanessaHudgens

Daaaaammmn.

zedd

SPARKLE JACKET ALERT.

taytay

I mean. Come on. I need those boots and I needed them yesterday. Well, the whole outfit will do.

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Television

Pilot Szn 2018

I feel like I haven’t done this in a while and I’m trying to jazz up The Salty again, so I’ve taken my precious time and dedicated it to watching all of the new shows (so far) this Fall season. There’s a chill in the air, I’m finally not working on Saturdays and Sundays and I’ve glued my bhole to the couch to watch some new TV all weekend long. It’s all for you. So that you don’t have to be bothered watching a show that is TERRIBLE (all sitcoms) and you can just focus on getting into the good good. Keep reading for my educated takes based on a single thirty or sixty minute episode.

SKIP:

Single Parents, ABC, Wednesdays 9:30p EST

single-parents

I should’ve known this was gonna be a no right from the start because of how many kids are in this cast photo but wishful thinking I was like well it’s the creator of New Girl and maybe they’ll just focus on the adult story lines. NOPE. The premise here is that Will (Taran Killam) is the nerd dad who tries too hard and embarrasses his daughter and pretty much everyone around him. The other parents try to help him get laid and make him cooler but there is a LOT of Moana singing and overacting and because it’s 2018 the black kid is gay and loves dancing and fashion. PROGRESSIVE. In summary, this show sucks and not even Brad Garrett could save it, which I had high hopes for.

I Feel Bad, NBC, Thursdays 9:30p EST

I Feel Bad - Season Pilot

This one’s Amy Poehler produced (there’s always something to draw you in) and it screams FEMINIST TV. Nothing wrong with that. If it was funny I’d be down. The idea is that moms/women in general have guilt and feel bad about every single thing in life and how to ignore that and be a baller, basically. Embrace the chaos. Emet is raising three kids, working in video games as like the only woman and trying not to turn into her mom. Story lines were decent, but the jokes just weren’t all there. A main feature of the pilot was her daughter quitting quiz show to join the dance team and today’s youths being a buncha booty-shakin hoes has never been more prevalent. WHATEVER HAPPENED TO TUTUS?! WHEN I WAS THAT AGE I DANCED TO THE SONG LOLLIPOP STRAIGHT OUTTA 1948 WITH A BONNET PINNED TO MY HEAD.

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And this is the future here, folks:

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Be afraid. Be very afraid. Also, props to the only line in the pilot that made me laugh out loud, “Our daughter’s milkshakes brought all the boys to the yard. Literally.”

The Cool Kids, Fox, Fridays 830p EST

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Friday show, kiss of death, AMIRITE?! This was supposed to be hyped because it’s got a huge comedian/variety show cast from like 1965 or something. Basically it takes place in an old folks home and the boys don’t want to let a girl into the club after their friend kicks the bucket. Not JUST a girl. A ginger. Just kidding her hair color has nothing to do with it but it might’ve spiced things up a bit. The best character on this show BY FAR was Leslie Jordan because he’s adorable and I want to put him in my pocket. Old people might enjoy this one but I’m out. My boyf found it hysterical, so apparently I’m dating a senior citizen.

The Neighborhood, Fox, Mondays 8p EST

Neighborhood

Everything you need to know about this show, you can summarize from this over the top cast photo. From “HOOD” being a different color and on a separate line to ONLY showing the black family and not the white family it’s ALSO about, this show is racist AF. And not in a “white people can’t say it’s racist way.” The entire 28 minutes spanned a group of horrendous over-actors just calling each other racist every few minutes. QUALITY TV, FOLKS. What you can’t see in this photo is that 2 Broke Girls Beth Behrs and New Girl Max Greenfield are the other leads. They’re a white toast couple who move with their son Grover to the neighborHOOD, where it’s AOK to wear an orange velour jumpsuit, apparently. And this cat is mad at THEM. Essentially it’s a show trying to be funny about the fact that the climate right now is not NOT racist. Keep trying.

WATCH:

Happy Together, Fox, Mondays 830p EST

Happy-Together

According to my actual notes, on paper, because I’m a scholar…this show was the “best of this shit crop of sitcoms.” And you can take that to the bank. A show that was actually likable and I laughed out loud for more than five jokes!!! WE HAVE A WINNER! I mean, can you really go wrong with the Wayans, though? D.Way Jr. killed it in both New Girl and Happy Endings and most importantly, he doesn’t feel the need to shout his lines like 90% of these sitcom stars are doing. If it’s louder, it doesn’t mean it’s funnier. Just A TIP. Also fun fact about me, because why not, every time the Wayans are brought up in any capacity, I feel compelled to google their family tree because there’s roughly 600 of them and it’s very fascinating to me. Like HOW is Damon a JUNIOR to the guy from My Wife and Kids? It’s incredible. Anyway, you’re welcome for sending you down that rabbit hole. The boyf and I wondered aloud why they haven’t just created a show based on their family yet. Don’t steal that idea. It’s ours. Anyway, Jake and Claire are a boring ass married couple who spend Saturday nights recording song voicemails until a celebrity Jake reps decides to come live with them to get out of the spotlight. Trying to make this guy like Harry Styles was borderline offensive. Like honestly, not even close. Either way, it’s funny and cute and I’d watch again.

A Million Little Things, ABC, Wednesdays 9p EST

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Lotta hype with this one about being as twisty as This is Us and also just as emosh. What I didn’t prepare for is the fact that I cannot for the life of me remember the correct name of this. First I was calling it A Million Little Pieces because that’s a book. Then I moved onto A Million Little Reasons because they said that at one point in the pilot. Gawd, I can’t keep it straight. I’ll keep working on it though because I thought it was good and I’m sucked in. I was so absorbed that the only note I wrote was, “Sick opening sequence with a baller cover of All These Things That I’ve Done by the Killers.” So there ya go.

RON LIVINGSTON, DAVID GIUNTOLI, JAMES RODAY, ROMANY MALCO JR

The show is about a gang of bros who met in an elevator, bonded real hard and then became besties/Bruins season ticket holders. Spoiler alert: one of them commits suicide and the first epi was borderline depressing but I have hope for this show to follow the friends in the aftermath as they value life a little more and also of COURSE there’s juicy secrets, which I’m all IN ON.

Manifest, NBC, Mondays 10p EST

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Didn’t really expect to like this show once I heard the premise but it was RIVETING, tbh. A family coming back from vacation in 2013 split between two flights and that second flight had turbulence through the MF’ing roof (like honestly how was everyone so calm afterward) and then when it landed everyone was like your flight disappeared 5 years ago how ya’ll still alive? The crew on the flight was like uhhh we had turbulence and dass itt. They haven’t aged a day and everyone else on land is 5 years older. FREAKY. Then the people from the flight start hearing shit and now it’s ON. There’s so many mysteries and so little time. I’m going to be real with you and tell you that I’ve always been creeped out by whispering voices in TV or Movies, like even “if you build it, he will come” creeped me out and that was supposed to be a feel good family flick, but I’m going to stick with this one for a little longer because I think there’s more to the story than mind whispers that one hundo percent will give me night terrors. Plus, I don’t know who this actress is but she’s a babe soda and I’m on her team.

Manifest - Season 1

Dirty John, Bravo, TBD Date & Time

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Since this hasn’t premiered yet, technically I can’t recommend it. But let’s be real here, it’s Connie Britton. Also, I did listen to the podcast it’s based on and I CAN recommend that. It’s basically a crime series about a creepy ass sociopath guy who dates a bunch of women and turns out to be a real psycho. Can’t wait for this to premiere so I can be equal parts drooling over Connie and her hair coming back to my TV screen and terrified to shower alone. Don’t @ me if this sucks and I said you should watch it.

 

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Television, The Bachelorette

The Bachelorette – Supes Unpredictable

becca

Becca’s family has made it to the Maldives and she can’t wait to ask them to pick her future husband because she loves them both and can’t decide. Her family gets the Garrett sneak preview that he’s been married before. Tough room to walk into when the only info they’re fed is that he’s already done the damn thing. Garrett makes a super vague toast about Becca’s dead dad. Just say you wish you could’ve met her dad rather than make a long-winded cringe worthy announcement that not everyone could be there in person. Then Garrett literally full on sobs to each member of Becca’s family and it gives me all the uncomfies. When Becca’s sister (who I wouldn’t have known was her sister unless they kept captioning it) tells her how emosh Garrett is, she’s like oh he’s never cried in front of me. Seems like a weird time to pull the waterworks if your future wife hasn’t even seen you shed a tear yet, but whatevs.

Becca then tells her family to treat Blake like they did Garrett. Nothing like telling your family how to act around the guy that’s obviously not going to win! Blake’s looking like a trendy lil snack in his pink shorts and matching bouquet. Too bad he’s about to get his heart crushed. He says he’s excited a billion times like he’s having a Tourrette’s episode. The nervous energy is palpable. When Blake sits down with the sis, he uses the CLASSIC interview tip to bide time, saying great question when Becca’s sister interrogates him like she’s hiring him to be her brother in law. I’ve been doing a few interviews lately and I also use that tactic. Except when I say great question that’s usually my answer because great question universally means you stumped me and I’m too stupid to form a coherent answer here, thank you for your time. Becca’s sister is Team Blake and says he would challenge her and be more of a teammate. Becca bursts into tears, so it’s obvious where this is going. Becca’s mom is already comforting Blake like you’ll be fine if she doesn’t pick you. MOM SIXTH SENSE. Not a great start to the ‘sode for your boy Blake.

Becca’s family is like sucks that you have to make this decision, best of luck to ya. Becca asks what her dad would think and her mom’s like he’d want you to be happy. NO SHIT.

Becca’s last date with Garrett is on a yacht and they talk about how lucky they are and stop all serious conversation to squeal over dolphins swimming by. Ugh we get it you’re happy and lucky and everything’s peachy on your free trip to the Maldives. Later Garrett and Becca talk about how they touched all night at their slumber party.

garrett

Becca’s legs send mixed signals her on her last date with Blake. She wrapped her legs around both SO HOW WILL WE KNOW WHO SHE CHOOSES?! Blake says they constantly challenge each other, which makes it very obvious now that it’s been said 10 times about their relationship that the producer has fed them this phrase. Blake gives her a homemade time capsule of their time together. YOIKES.

blakedate

Back in the studio, Chris Harrison is here to tell us that what we are about to see, he HAS NEVER SEEN ANYTHING LIKE THIS, GUYS. PREPARE YOURSELVES. Spoiler alert: Becca dumps Blake and he leaves. Nothing out of the ordinary, just like every single finale. I would ask how this MF’er Chris Harrison sleeps at night feeding us such bullshit lies to try and up the dramatics but I already know the answer to that. He’s rich and famous AF.

Anyway, Becca allows Blake to go to the proposal spot and give his whole speech and Becca looks nothing short of uncomfy throughout the whole thing. Then Becca takes over and basically only speaks in past tense. She says she pictured this moment with him the whole time, which is a real dick thing to say to someone who’s not getting the moment. Not only is the guy getting his heart stomped on but also he has to do it in a full suit in the tropical heat, roasting like a giant sweaty pig. Everyone cries, or just like, sweats from their eyes, who knows.

blake

Cut to Chris Harrison live in the studio with Blake, torturing him for our entertainment. I HOPE YOU FEEL GOOD ABOUT THIS, CHRIS. Blake obviously is having a hard time but felt reassured that their love was real from watching this season back. Nothing notable happens with him and Becca onstage, except for Chris Harrison awkwardly pointing out his “support system.” Hey cameras, pan over there and show that Blake has people here for him so he doesn’t off himself:

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He just is genuinely sad and heartbroken and wants Becca to be happy. I’m gonna go on the record and say that Blake is not the next Bachelor.

She picks Garrett because he reminds her of her dad. I’m just gonna let that sit there. This is the ring. Also gonna let that sit there. Cough cough, Blake’s was better cough.

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IRL, Chris Harrison asks when Garrett knew Becca was the one and he answered “Yeah.” Sweet. They’re sooo happy and in love and Garrett’s sorry for being offensive on Instagram and OF COURSE THEY’RE MOVING TO LA. Chris Harrison surprises them with a 1980’s minivan and Garrett says let’s do the damn thing. KILL ME FOREVER RIGHT NOW. THE END.

PS if you want a good chuckle, look up Garrett’s wedding photos from his last marriage. BECCA 1.0, YO. The two women could be identical twins. K, byeeeeeeeeeeee.

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Television, The Bachelorette

The Bachelorette – I Wanna Find My Person

Mantacea, CA with Garrett

Garrett’s family owns an agricultural business. He shows her a “planter” and I shoot up off my couch in cold sweats suffering from severe Farmer Chris Soules PTSD. Don’t do this to me, ABC. Put farming in the grave next to Chris Soules’ clean driving record. BOOM. ROASTED.

chris soules

Garrett walks into his living room like he’s headlining at a comedy club. The energy and the applause in the room is so ridiculous I feel like I’m watching an SNL sketch. And no, that’s not a compliment to your dumb Chris Farley impression, Garrett. Obviously the whole family is like don’t break Garrett’s heart like that dumb betch ex-wife of his. Garrett’s mom is talked up as a tough mama bear and she couldn’t have been softer. Everyone approves of Becca, of course. Becca says it all feels like it’s falling into place.

Buffalo, NY with Jason

Jason takes Becca to a wing contest with what appears to be all college kids. Becca passes the test that it’s blue cheese only with buff wangz and thank God because I thought the city of Buffalo was going to have to kick her out for being such a n00b. If you eat ranch with wings you have garbage taste buds and that seems pretty obvious. Then they go ice-skating and apparently my Mighty Ducks reference has been even more spot-on than I thought as Jason shows off his knuckle puck skillz.

wings

Jason’s whole story with his family is that he’s guarded and will not be able to open up in time. Jason thinks love is missing Becca when she’s in a different room and basically talks himself into telling her he loves her. Even his mom was like u sure, bro? Either way, he tells her.

 Bailey, CO with Blake

Blake brings Becca to his high school for a makeout sesh and to show her that he’s still down with his old teachers and coaches…well some of them. Remember when Blake shared last week that his mom had an affair with his coach and I compared his life to a TV show? Well that’s got nothing on this week as he takes Becca to the library and tells her he survived a school shooting at that very high school. Holy bananas. No joke his life is a teen drama TV show. I mean that literally looks like the exact library Peyton hid out with Lucas while her leg bled out. But quick turn, in the gym Betty Who is casually performing a concert. Was there any significance of Betty Who in a Colorado high school orrrrr? Also if you had forced me to name this artist without Becca announcing it or even one of her songs I would’ve failed miserably. Seems like Becca was her number one fan though with that grade A sing-along.

blake

Blake is happy and in love and his parents see it but think his heart is gonna get stomped on, so they also pretend to be hard asses with Becca and ask how she feels. When will parents on this show understand that the girl is never gonna tell them who she’s going to choose at hometowns. Get your heads out of your asses. Also if you’re paying close attention, the one whose family keeps talking about how worried they are that he’s falling too fast will one HUNDO percent get his heart DESTROYED. So there’s that unfortunate incident to look forward to, which will probably lead to him finding redemption after heartache by being the next Bachelor.

blakes mom

Another Colorado town with Colton

Colton takes Becca shopping for gifts to bring to the children’s hospital with him. Really laying it on thick here. He’s a sweetie with the sick kids and Becca’s ovaries grew three sizes. Sorry did I say ovaries? I meant her boner. Except as much as she wants to scoop Colton’s virginity, she also wants him to know she’s concerned he’s never been in another serious relationship.

kids

Colton gathers his entire extended family for a hang. How overwhelming must that be to meet a guy’s 3rd cousins on TV? Colton looks for props from his dad for communicating about Tia like an adult. He could not have asked for daddy’s approval harder. Also, why does Colton’s dad know about Tia if all they did was smooch one time? HMMmm. Becca says she wants to find her person to the zillionth parent tonight and I’m about to go insane. Does Grey’s Anatomy get a cut from the Bachelor every week for the amount that they call someone their person? Gawd that’s obnoxious. Also I’ve probably legitimately asked that before because that’s how much the phrase is used on this show. Anyway, moving on to Becca discussing Colton’s virginity with his mom. YIKES. Colton tells Becca that he loves her.

Becca meets up with her fake girl gang that just want more screen time and aren’t her actual best friends. She recaps what’s been going on for this group of over-actors. She announces that Jason is the best kisser in the world, which makes me hope that her future husband doesn’t watch this back because it sure as shit ain’t Jason. Tia interrupts Becca MID-SENTENCE while she’s talking about Colton to have a private chat, allowing for the girls to practice their best Whitney Port shocked faces. And that is how we know whatever confession will follow is sure to be ridiculous if she couldn’t let Becca get through a sentence. Tia confides in Becca that she still has feelings for Colton and it makes her sick that Becca’s considering him. WELL TIA YOU HAD YOUR CHANCE YOU BIG DUMMY. Obviously now Becca feels like a pile of hot garbage for stealing her “friend’s” man. I think I hate Tia now.

Right before his fate is sealed, Colton asks Chris what REALLY goes on in the fantasy suite because he’s nervous about putting out. Chris is like we’re not Pornhub bro, when the door closes you can do whatever. (Until Mike Fleiss makes a show about that too.)

Rose Ceremony: Blake, Jason & Garrett

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Television, The Bachelor

The Bachelorette – She’s Not My Person

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Becca wants to move to the Bahamas. Becca is all of us. Except for the part where she gets paid to go there and mack a bunch of dudes. In the Chris and Becca weekly gab sesh; Becca declares that she wants no drama this week. Something tells me there will be drama. Chris Harrison does a dumb analogy about Las Vegas and betting even though they’re in the Bahamas and he asks Becca to bet on the outcome of this journey. She bets she’ll be engaged. No shit.

Becca drops in on the boys and requests hugs from all like she’s picking up her kids from school at the end of the day. She announces that there will be four dates and no rose ceremony so BUCKLE UP. Colton’s up first, which gives the remaining butthurt bruhs plenty of time to talk shit about the Coltmaster being a virgin and how he should go home. Meanwhile, Becca drools all over Colton’s body for like a solid amount of time. Girl needs that D. I don’t think I’ve ever seen a female openly slobber that hard in Bachelorette history. Just when Colton’s going to confess to his chastity ring, a Bahamian wearing a white crop top cut like a paper snowflake you used to make for your bedroom window, interrupted to send them diving for conches, which HILARIOUSLY sounds like COCKS.

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A bunch of terrible sexual innuendos follow. It pains me to think that whoever writes these scripts actually thinks these are funny. LOLOL Colton’s a virgin so let’s have the two of them make some cock jokes and slurp something as an “aphrodisiac”.

FINALLY, Colton spills the beans about his lack of sexual activity. Becca appears to not take the virg news so well by saying, “REALLY?!” then excusing herself for a second to fake cry about it (?) When she returns (offering no explanation as to why she ran away) he talks about how hard it was being an athlete and a virgin. Boohoo. He wants his virginity to be a gift for someone. Becca wants to accept that gift so she gives him a rose. If I were Colton I’d be like wait a minute you just made me feel like a piece of trash by walking away when I confessed something embarrassing so I don’t want that rose. But Colton is dumb and so is this show. Also not for nothing but I’d stay woke on this whole virginity thing. Colton’s got charm and I wouldn’t be surprised if it’s not 1 hundo percent true.

 Love is in the Air with Garrett

They fly over the islands and Garrett is annoying. I’m sorry. I just really don’t like the guy. And I’m willing to bet he wins too. They make out a lot on a private beach and fornicate on a tree swing. Later, Becca toasts him and says thanks for a great day, I have fun with you and Garrett replies you’re really good at that. What’s she good at, Garrett? Forming sentences? Turns out the last girl who met his family was his ex-wife and he hasn’t really dated since then. Becca is like we’ve had the same romantic history basically and roses him.

You Make My Heart Skip a Beat with Blake

HOT start to this date with the return of the Baha Men’s greatest hit Who Let the Dogs Out….who.who.who.who. Oh apparently they’ve got a new song! WHAT ARE THE CHANCES? Blake and Becca dance awkwardly as only white people can to island music with that much flavor. If we’re being honest this new beat’s got nothing on a song comparing letting dogs loose to the start of a party. I am hashtag grateful that the Baha Men were able to come out of retirement for this d list free concert for TV. WHAT HAVE THESE CRAZY GUYS BEEN UP TO FOR THE PAST 15 YEARS?!

baha

Anyway, Blake opens up about his mom having an affair with his bball coach when he was in high school. YIKES. Reminds me of that show Life As We Know It, which obviously got cancelled, but starred early 00’s babe sodas Missy Peregrym and Sean Faris. Spoiler alert: he finds his mom sleeping with his hockey coach in like the first episode. Then DRAMA ensues. Anyway, look it up. That show is 1 trillion times better than this one. It also had a PRETTY steamy teacher student affair. Dirty stuff for primetime TV. Jus sayin. Anyway, Blake is in love with Becca and I’m pretty sure he was the first to say it. OBVIOUSLY he gets the rose and Becca admits to us that she’s also in love with him and sees him as her husband. Took it one step to far Bex, don’t get ahead of yourself here with 4 guys left.

These Days Are Never Easy with Wills, Leo and Jason

The guys run at Becca who is wearing an all denim whoutfit. Who has been dressing her this season? Because I’ve had enough. There’s never a need to wear matching white shorts and denim jacket with white sneakers. Thankfully the jacket is ditched for a friendly game of beach volleyball with the whole gang. She’s having a blasty blast but we all know how this is going to go. She’s friend zoned Wills and Leo and Syracuse.com spoiled a home visit with Jason roughly 4 months ago. Leo says he feels behind on the relationship front, and Becca spins the breakup making it sound like it was his fault for being honest. Goodbye you beautiful man bun. At night, Becca gets frustrated with asshole Coach Bombay for not opening up and telling her he’s falling for her like everyone else has. He feeds her some bullshit about being hurt before. Wills wears the hell out of a Hawaiian shirt. Wish he could’ve come to my Hawaiian themed birthday party. Him and the Baha Men. Could’ve been a real rager. Wills gets sent home but we know he won’t be lonely for long because he’s adorable and dresses well and is super sweet and oh ok as I was typing this sentence it was announced he’ll be on paradise of course. NEXT WEEK: HOMETOWNS and more Colton/Tia drama that no one saw coming except everyone did because there’s clearly more to that story. TOLD YOU TO STAY WOKE ON COLTON, GUYS.

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Television, The Bachelorette

The Bachelorette – I Was Gonna Open Up

Full Discloszh: I missed the first hour of last week’s episode and rather than somehow make it up to write the recap, I decided I had 0.0% desire to do that. SARRRYYY.

becca

Richmond, VA

This bum ass town is apparently known for love. Cause they have a statue that spells out love. Becca sits down with Chris Harrison to tell him she has baby fever and is already feeling love. (Say love again.) One step at a time, girl.

Life is full of surprises with Jason

I was shoving ravioli in my mouth and when I came to, I realized that Lincoln and Chris were bitching at each other about body shaming. I have no clue what was happening or how this started but I do know that everyone hates these two and they’re shouting at each other as they’re basically touching thighs on the couch. It makes no sense. How can two men be so heated, but still be rubbing limbs casually? EXPLAIN IT TO ME.

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Jason and Becca’s date is basically a Mad Libs. They bake donuts in a church, make out in a coffin and kick it with a bunch of Goths talking about death. This date BLOWS. Becca’s got the hornies for Jason’s kisses. I was just about to shit all over Becca’s terrible surprises but then she actually stepped it up by bringing his friends out to meet him. Becca gets really deep with slick’s friends. She’s like is he a good partner and they’re like yeah.

Later on, Jason basically tells us that his grandparents are Allie and Noah Calhoun and how inspiring it was to watch his grandma go through that and how it makes him more appreciative of life. Becca opens up about her dad taking his last breath. Yikes that got real, real quick. Jason gets rosed because they connected on a deeper level. Tongues.

Let’s Make History with Colton, Blake, Wills, Connor, Blake, Lincoln, Chris

The boys have to do a mock debate in the Beccalection because Becca is looking for her “running mate.” BLOW MY BRAINS OUT. They’re put on the hot spot for relationship questions. All of the guys that we already know are making it to the finals give practical answers about puppies and love. This week’s villains that we most certainly don’t need use the debate to shout at each other about fat shaming again. GIVE IT A REST, BOYS.

chris

Just when I think we’re done with a history lesson lurking in my weekly binge of trash TV, one bored cameraman decides to focus on the creepy paintings in this random house. Every few seconds our retinas are treated to a super zoom into a pair of dead oil painted eyes on the wall. While this is giving me nightmares, Becca is hearing that Chris is a loose cannon and he denies it. Then goes downstairs and blasts off all over everyone, loose cannon style. WHO’S LYING AND WHO ISN’T? Who cares, just mute the TV and feast your peepers at Connor rocking nerdy, sexy, chic in those glasses.

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Garrett’s mad because he was gonna open up to her and everyone F’ed that up for him. Becca watches them all bitch at each other but pretends she didn’t. Colton gets the rose for literally no reason.

The World is our Oyster with Leo

The minute Leo got a date card I guessed he was going home. Then they hugged and all of the moisture was sucked out of Becca’s vagina, I assume by the radiating lack of chemistry. Becca is emotionally drained, which I feel like she’s trying to blame for not being sexually attracted to a guy who has the same hair as Slash. He does rock a sick man bun though. I’ll give him that. They grab oysters out of the sea. Becca keeps saying that she should like Leo but none of us missed her dodging her head away at one point when he tried to kiss her cheek.

oysters

At dins, Becca wears a dress that Forever 21 sells right around NYE for hoochie girls watching the ball drop at a club, blackout smooching a stranger while Aviici (may he rest in peace) bumps over the speakers. Leo talks about being a failure in his dad’s eyes because he didn’t pursue baseball. He tears up and Becca comforts him. In an actual twist of events, Leo gets the rose. Seriously does she even enjoy kissing him? OMG IS THAT A COUNTRY STAR PERFORMING THEIR LOVE SONG THEY WANT TO MAKE BIG AND THEN OMG IS THAT LEO AND BECCA DANCING IN FRONT OF THE AUDIENCE? Becca. Burn that dress. I’m embarrassed that you wore it to a country councert, staged or not. A bunch of 13 year olds grind up on the two of them awkwardly and whisper to Becca that they really like her dress.

Connor and Jason talk about how volatile Chris is while he writes a letter and according to the background music, plots a murder. Apparently Becca doesn’t feel safe enough to even stay in the same hotel as creepy Chris so he has to walk across town to find her, uninvited. Chris menacingly walks the streets in his camel colored pea coat and matching suede booties. He tells Becca he wants to marry her and she’s like nah, I’m good. Cameldick stomps out and doesn’t let her walk him out or say a proper goodbye. Becca feels great about sending him packing as she should because he was acting like a total psychopath.

All the guys take turns regurgitating scripted lines about how important cocktail parties are, which obviously means Chris Harrison will announce that it’s cancelled. Try to keep up.

Roses: James, Colton, Leo, Garrett, Blake & Wills

Don’t worry everyone, Connor and his trendy specs will have a ticket to Paradise and that is the most obvious.

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