Movies, Pop Culture

Top Ten Dance Movie Montages

Since I pretty much air out all of my guilty pleasures on this blog, I don’t even know if I can call them guilty pleasures anymore. So this one’s for my fellow loud and proud CHEEZY dance movie lovers. If there’s a movie centered on the art of dance, you can pretty much bet I’ll be watching. It’s my year-round Hallmark holiday movie, so to speak. A love story mixed in with some bada$$ choreography. I like to pretend that I too, could’ve been a professional dancer but unfortunately my elementary ballet with Miss Louise, followed by 2 years of “Jazz” classes in middle school and ending in a Radio Disney dance team tryout where I couldn’t even remember the steps they taught us five minutes prior ended that dream real quick.

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I learned to accept that my best moves will come out between the hours of 11 PM and 4 AM after approximately 100 bud lights. It’s a shame they never created a feature on my Jersey turnpikin’ skillz at the club in college. (There’s still time…) Either way, I’ve learned to truly appreciate a bangin final dance number or montage, the best of which I’ve outlined below.

10. Footloose

Footloose is rounding out the caboose because to be perfectly honest it was before my time and I’ve never actually seen it. It may dishearten a few to hear that I’ve only seen the remake with Julianne Hough and Kenny Wormald. HOWEVER, knowing the history of dance movies, it would be preposterous to leave off the movie centered on a town that BANNED DANCING from this list. So here’s a fun look at when a boy just needs to dance out his feelings, even though he could be arrested for it. #Rebel.

9. Honey

Hoodrat Jessica Alba is the only version I wish to know. From the gold nameplate necklace to the way that she says “we peoples”, I CANNOT LOOK AWAY. Girl gets exclusive beats from DJ Scratch for pete’s sake. And don’t even get me started on how she rocks that “just wear the sleeves” fashion with some baggy camo pants. Honey’s such a good choreographer that she turns someone falling into a dance move! In all seriousness, this movie is #9 because I expect no one who hasn’t seen it yet to ever watch it. It’s embarrassing at best and that’s saying a lot for a movie that features Jadakiss as a “top celebrity”. Bottom line is that you watch this to laugh at Jessica Alba acting street and being the most sought out choreographer in the rap industry. It’s the little things in life that bring me joy. This movie is one of them.

8. Save the Last Dance

Save the Last Dance is that tried and true, mix up a guy from the wrong side of the tracks with a straight laced nerd. I wish Julia Stiles wasn’t such a cream cheese white awkward bird in this movie because 90% if it is cringeworthy. Her wearing a Gap cami and french braids to the club was level 10 embarrassing. A ballet and hip hop mashup should always be appreciated though and that’s why her Juilliard try out made the list. Nothing will ever top your black boyfriend teaching you how to booty pop, grl.

7. High School Musical 3

Although the High School Movie franchise is not technically part of the dance genre, it still counts because Zac Efron’s got moves for daaaays. Real talk, I don’t think I’ve ever faced anything quite as difficult as just choosing one dance number from the 3 HSM movies. Do I go with a Troy Bolton emo solo where he’s contemplating basketball versus theater in the halls of his high school? Tempting for sure. Instead I settled for the duet between these two wildcats. Vanessa Hudgens’ legs look real bangable and it’s no wonder her boyfriend wants to spin her around the rooftop just to ask her to prom. Seriously did you see how effortlessly he swooped her into the air? Sigh.

6. Dirty Dancing

A classic that should never be revisited (I’m talking to you, ABC) and of course the famous lift that every girl wishes her boyfriend could flawlessly perform. Seriously, guys, it shouldn’t be that hard to toss us above your head and hold us there while you spin. May Patrick Swayze and those sassy hips rest in peace as his memory lives on forever through (I’ve Had) The Time of My Life. We owe it all to you.

5. Grease

If I’m gonna slobber all over nobody putting baby in a corner, you bet your ass that Sandy in her bad gurl leathers was making this list. She puts her hussy pants on and is suddenly ready to shimmy it up for her man. I’m only a little jelly of her legs in those pants. Ok fine I’m a lot jelly. (If you’re noticing a trend here with me drooling over every female leads legs, you’re not wrong.) Everyone whose anyone knows that the shake shack is the best part of this routine and it’s not even up for debate.

4. Girls Just Wanna Have Fun

We’ve now arrived at one of the most underrated 80’s dance flicks of all time. SJP and Helen Hunt in their infant years when they were fresh on the Hollywood scene. If you haven’t seen this movie I suggest you watch it immediately if you want to be respected as a theatrical dance movie aficionado. SJP is a catholic school girl with a nazi dad and her counter part is OBV a bad boy but they become dance partners competing for a spot as COVETED Dance TV regulars. Although the tryouts and the final DTV competition are stellar in their own right, it would’ve been an injustice not to include this VERY 80’s dance/falling in love montage from the middle of the movie. My sister used to be so obsessed with this scene that she would rewind the ole VHS and replay it roughly 15 times before we could move on to the rest of the movie. Enjoy the classic beach silhouette lift and throwback Pepsi can mixed in with lots and lots of gymnastics.

3. Step Up 2 The Streets

It may surprise you that I don’t have the original Step Up and the spark of Channing and Jenna’s love on here. I like to toss in a curveball every once in a while to keep everyone on their toes. Here’s the second installment (every Step Up that follows this are white hot garbage) where having a dance crew and performing out on the streets is WAY cooler than getting into some lame arts school. They prove it too by dancing outside to trunk speakers IN THE RAIN. Whoa. The reason this dance is so high on the  list can pretty much be narrowed down to one baller move and that is OBVIOUSLY when what’s his face does the heart beat over what’s her face. I’m not proud of it but I spent far too much time one night in college trying to perfect that move with one of my roommates. Unfortunately rhythm is necessary for nailing that to a beat, but whatever. A for effort.

2. Magic Mike

This one’s for all my LAAADIEZZZZZ. (I mean, technically they all are, but we’ll pretend it’s just this one) Essentially the only takeaway from Magic Mike is the Pony dance and that’s pretty freaking obvious. I don’t really think I need to say anything else.

1. Center Stage

The queen bee of dance movies is Center Stage. They barely even hired actors for this, they just straight up trolled the American Ballet Company for dancers to play themselves. Never did I ever think a ballet performance could be interesting enough to contain a saucy sex scene but that’s just what Cooper, bad boy of ballet, does. This performance was 10 minutes long and I am continuously riveted for every single minute. Boys fighting over a girl, motorcycles onstage, all the way to her flawless red lip, dreadlocks finale. WHAT A WHIRLWIND. This dance number has everything I could have ever hoped and dreamed and that’s why it’s the GOAT. Even I was like hey, should I maybe become a ballerina by the end of it. Then I remembered how they basically chop their toes off to stand on wooden blocks for 90% of every day and I was out. PS do NOT try to make boys watch this movie. They will revolt and ruin every precious moment of this badass final dance. Tough stuff, lesson learned.

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JUice

Weekly JUice

Week of 7/18/16

1. Pippa’s in the news again, not for dat ass. Pippa Middleton, known for having a killer a$$ at the Royal Wedding, is engaged. Her ring is kewl I guess (not as kewl as Kate’s for obvious reasons), but what I’d really like to chitchat about is the discovery I made this week via her engagement announcement.

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Her fiance is James Matthews, who is basically just a rich businessman–but what I discovered is that James’ brother is Spencer Matthews. I went down a rabbit hole of British reality TV winter break during my last year of college..mostly because Bravo played a full week marathon but regardless I got far too attached to the show Made in Chelsea, which can be summed up as the British version of The Hills. So you can see why I was hooked. Juicy, trashy TV with sexy men who make everything sound classy just because of their accent. SOLD. Anyway, what I’m getting at in this very descriptive back story is that Spencer was essentially the more badass Brody if we’re continuing with The Hills comparison. He was sexy but he had a lot of bad boy to him and played two chicks REAL hard. His main love triangle included Caggie who essentially was the LC of Made in Chelsea–in that she was way too good for that trash and eventually “moved away” aka realized that appearing on MIC was probably ruining her career.

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I shipped Spencer and Caggie real hard until I realized how scripted everything was and that they pretty much never dated IRL. The show went downhill real fast after Cagz left. Either way…SPENCER IS 1 BAZILLION TIMES HOTTER THAN JAMES. WTF, Pippa?! I mean, I’m guessing she doesn’t want to stoop to a reality star who may or may not have a coke/sex addiction’s level but James seems like a real snooze to be engaged to.

And that’s my forced two cents on that. Also fun fact: when the show was clearly struggling they brought the She-Pratt into play as a whole cross-country storyline. That’s when you know a show is failing…when your last ditch effort is to hire Spencer Pratt’s sister to join the cast. YIKES.

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1a. I JUST WANNA SMUSH HIS FACE. Keeping on the topic of America’s obsession with all things royal fam. Prince George turns 3 today and is still the cutest little chap on this earth. Seriously check out that mug in his annual birthday photoshoot. What a lady killer he’s gonna be. (Also well on his way to be poster boy for Vineyard Vines with that whale accent and jazzy pocket tee) I’m more excited for Pippa’s nuptials for the purpose of seeing more adorbs pics of the royal kiddies. PS Tossing the pup into the photoshoot was thought of JUST to explode every female’s ovaries, right?

2. Another 1D’er going solo, how original. 

Yeah, yeah, yeah tell your story walkin, pal. It’s not news once the band has already broken up and Harry Styles is shooting a movie that you’re going solo. Best of luck topping the sexual awakening of Zayn and color me unimpressed for now. Not for nothing, but I feel like I majorly overlooked the fact that Liam is high up there in the hotness rankings of 1D. I mean he’s obviously hotter than Louie but seeing his Twitter avi really bumped him up a few notches for me. He might be stealing the #2 spot from Zayn. Harry is first for sex appeal reasons. I can’t explain it, I just feel it. We’ll see how Liam does solo first before I can declare that furreal.

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3. This week’s celeb splits–not the gymnastics kind. I’m very depressed to report that Joshua Jackson and Diane Kruger have ended their relationship. My heart breaks for the Pacey-obsessed tween that still lives inside of me. They were together forever in Hollywood years and always killed it on red carpets. Fashion forward AF. They also weren’t obnoxious and in everyone’s faces about their love–which I truly appreciate. Pour some out for the loss of a gr8 couple this weekend, guys.

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I’m not as depressed to report that Lady GaGa and Taylor Kinney have separated for the time being. Long distance is hard on them and Gagz has asked that we all root for them to get back together in the end. Look, I can only root for one celeb rekindling per week and if I had to choose I’m going with Diane and Joshua. Tough luck, guys you should’ve picked another week to announce your breakup. Plus I was out on you two the minute that you had sex for art and made us look at pics of you covered in paint and boning. Think about that next time you ask for my T’s & P’s.

4. I’d like to see someone wear this as an adult. 

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Lisa Frank decided to make a large comeback this week by announcing a new clothing line. Did I love the SHIT out of my LF pencil boxes, folders and lunchbox? Hell to the yeah. Would I ever want to wear a sweatshirt with pastel-colored animals on it as an adult? Hard no. It’ll be interesting to see who actually buys into this. My guess is that Katy Perry will be rocking this ensemble with pink hair knockers in her pigtails at her next big appearance. (Those pink dolphins straight KILLED it back in the day though.)

5. Need more Missy in my life. As an avid fan of this James Corden bit, I’m big enough to admit when one sucks. And sorry, but Michelle Obama isn’t that interesting. I get she’s doing it to plug her charities and girl power projects but other than that this was a real snooze. It made the cut this week ONLY because Missy makes a cameo for Work It–a complete banger–and I seriously need her to get back on a regular schedule of fame. She teased us with the Super Bowl cameo in 2015 and then disappeared again. I need more than her and a puppet dancing to Pep Rally in a commercial for a Siri-knockoff. Her pointing to everyone else in the car to sing her song and flipping that weave in the backseat gave me life. Especially when James F’ed up every word and she just gave him a look like, yeah I do that too. So basically, just watch 11:20-13:38 for mah gurl Missy. Because realistically she should have her own Carpool Karaoke.

BONUS: Alex Pettyfer gave us a reason to forget that he’s a known Hollywood asshole. MORE, MORE, MORE!!

So there’s a little throwback lady boner for all to take you into a lovely weekend.

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JUice

Weekly JUice

Week of 1/4/16

HEY GUYS. Welcome to 2016. I took two weeks off from the JUice to properly shove Christmas cookies down my gullet and lay around in my PJs. ‘Cause that’s what the holidays are all about. You know what the holidays are NOT about? Having your family fat shame you and then suggest a weight loss competition. Thanks for ruining Christmas, G Family. Anyway, we’re back and better than ever exactly the same. New year, same Salty, yo.

1. Barstool is taking over the world, as they should.

I’ve been reading Barstool Sports since I was in high school (shout out to the bro-in-law for introducing me to the smut world at a young age)…and now I’m old. So it was pretty cool to see that this website and these bloggers that I’ve been fangirling over for so many years have taken steps to become a massive national brand. I didn’t know what blogging even was before Barstool, so ifso factso, they invented blogging. They’ve essentially been my source for news for the past 7 or 8 years, and I’m not even a little bit embarrassed to admit it. I can’t wait to see what they’ll do with an HQ in NYC and many more resources. But most of all I’m anticipating what will happen when they end up merely blocks away from Buzzfeed.

 

2. Yeah? Yeah.

Unless you’re living under a rock, you know that Making a Murderer quickly became that new hot shit over the holidays for Netflix binges. Although it’s not for everyone (there’s reading involved), I would highly recommend it not just for the juicy police corruption content–but more importantly for the accents and midwestern culture. I literally felt like Wisconsin was on another planet as I watched this–courtesy of my sister’s Netflix account because I am nothing if not a Grade A mooch. (Thanks Lexi) There’s nothing worse than having show FOMO. Start watching so we can LoL about Brendan Dassey giving a written criminal confession with the word “bombfire” in it togets.

3. Magic Mike 3 is a must-see. 

I’m kind of torn now. Do I like Channing’s original pony dance? Or do I like his wife reenacting it and forcing a lap dance on him where she pretends she has a big dick that she’s aggressively swinging at his face? I don’t know what to think. All I know is that was entertainment. Certainly triple makes up for Channing doing “Let it Go” and ruining my life forever. I can’t even see the screengrab of him as Elsa without getting it stuck in my head. HOW IS THAT POSSIBLE?! WHEN WILL FROZEN DIE AWAY FROM ME FOREVER? PS nothing is more obvious that Lip Sync Battle has absolutely nothing to do with lip syncing anymore than having two professional dancers on the season premiere. Double PS: need a new host, stat.

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4. Fuller House is a real tease.

These new pics were released because Netflix is going to milk the shit out of owning the Full House comeback. As they should. What have we learned from these stills that we don’t already know? Kimmy’s style has evolved from a light up dress and neon socks to cat cardigans from Urban Outfitters. Steph dresses like a hooch. And DJ looks like a kewl mom. And of course, good to see that they couldn’t buy a bigger couch to fit the rest of the fam on when they come to visit probably every day. Actually, now that I think about it, I wouldn’t be surprised at all if Danny lives in the attic apt and Joey still lives in the basement. Jesse and Becky have a mansion elsewhere, obviously. They’ve served their time sleeping on a bed that folds up to the wall.

5. Queen B usurps her Halftime Throne. 

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It has been confirmed that Bey will grace us unworthy ones with her presence at the SuperBowl halftime show with Coldplay. I don’t think I need to remind anyone how epic her halftime show was in 2013. As if we didn’t already know how big of a deal Beyonce is, they somehow got her to appear during Channing’s “lip sync” of Who Run the World for .2 seconds, flip her hair, do one booty shake and abruptly leave. That’s how little Spike TV can afford Queen B. So you can imagine what it might cost for her to casj drop by the SuperBowl. Anyway, I’m officially excited for this year’s halftime show…I will be 1000% less excited if the rumors that Bruno Mars is also popping in are true. Don’t ruin a good thing.

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JUice

Weekly JUice

Week of 6/22/15

1. SELENA GOMEZ, YOU LITTLE MINX, YOU. New song from SelGo that has been teased for weeks, even bestie Tay chimed in that it was her favorite thing Selena’s ever done (bold) and the music video dropped this morning wherein she writhes around on a floor, on the couch, in a chair and in the shower. Get it, girl. Show Biebs what he gave up. This is one of those rare things that I included for my male readers, which I believe I have 0.0 of. But whatevs, enjoy your boner jamz cause Selena just wants to look good for YOU.

2. Magic Mike, As Told By Children. In this skit, JFall and Channing act out Magic Mike as written by elementary school kids and it’s supes cute. Mostly because we all know the real story of Magic Mike and it’s not about aliens or fixing bike tires, it’s about Mike’s magic penis grinding all up on some ladiezzz to the sweet, sweet melody of Ginuwine.

3. Seth and Amy Boom, Roast a Twitter troll. A Sports Illustrated guy tweeted something this week about how women’s sports are boring so Seth & Amy brought back the SNL Weekend Update “Really?!” bit to dump all over him and his sexist tweets. As a former soccer player (1 season, kindergarten) I can’t speak for if it’s entertaining to watch but I will say that it is EXHAUSTING to run up and down that field. I quit before the pros started looking at me because it was too much running, not enough orange slices during timeouts. Props to our ladies for having the stamina to run around in the World Cup.

4. Bristol Palin is preggerz. I don’t pretend to know anything about politics but I’m pretty sure the Palin’s paraded around like hardcore Christians and lil miss Bristol is on baby #2, unwed. Whoopsies! The best part about this isn’t the fact that she’s pregnant but the way that she announced it with, and I quote “I know this has been, and will be, a huge disappointment to my family, to my close friends, and to many of you.” This is basically the equivalent of being like shiiiiiitttt, I got knocked up again, saarrryyyy guys. No news yet on if baby daddy is the guy she just called off her wedding with…but you can be sure I will report it when I find out. It’s ok guys, I know how to tackle the hard-hitting news.

5. T.Swizzle, CEO of the Music Industry.

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As I’m sure you’ve heard by now, with just the tapping of a few keys, Tay brought Apple to it’s knees. (Unintentional but PRETTY POETIC rhyme right there.) Ok, so there was more to it than that but what’s really important here is that Apple was like hey we’re going to debut our new streaming service that completely copies Pandora and Spotify but it’s BETTER and we’re going to give everyone a 3 month trial fo freeeee, and Taylor was all Dear Apple, Ain’t nobody gettin my shit fo free and Apple was all, Dear Taylor, Ok. We’re sorry. Artists who don’t make billions from touring gave Ms. Swift a golf clap for repping the entire music industry and she just casually went back to playing with her cats.

Full Letter Here

Apple’s Response:

Calvin Harris supporting his boo:

I hope that you also write a letter this weekend and change the world. Or just get drunk and play outside in the sun. Same thing.

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