JUice

Weekly JUice

Week of 2/18/19

1. Jamal Lyon is a snitch bitch. (Press play while reading)

When this story first broke I honestly thought it was a plot point from the latest episode of Empire. As a once fan (and recapper) of the ridiculous show before it got to be a little TOO outrageous even for me, a racial/homophobic attack on Jussie easily could’ve been a story line for the Lyon fam. In fact, I think it was at one point. Which is probably where dum dum Jussie cooked up the idea. Except instead of locking it up with no way to pin him to this crime, like Lucious did when he killed Bunkie, he executed the sloppiest hack job of all time. Let’s quickly run through the deets and hard facts/evidence that they’ve collected so far. Jussie wrote himself hate mail and had it sent to the studio where they shoot Empire. No one really noticed or took action. So then he hired two extras (also black), paid them VIA CHECK $3,500 and then had them go to a local convenience store to buy the supplies for said attack, where they were clear as day caught on surveillance. (LOL to the fact that at the end of the checkout, one of the guys puts his hood up. Good job, bruh.) Then he called them a bunch of times before and after the alleged attack. After being “attacked” he refused to release his phone and/or phone records. But also went on GMA to sob about what happened and say there were a lot of misconceptions out there. The balls on this kid to book an interview the week after he’s attacked and put on that performance. He’s finally been arrested and charged with filing a false police report, yet he’s still arguing that he’s innocent. Police say he did this because he was unhappy with this salary. And this is the point where I fly off the handle. He makes roughly $65,000 per episode. PER EPISODE. YOU KNOW WHAT I WOULD DO WITH JUST ONE CHECK FOR $65,000? SO. MANY. THINGS. None of them include self-inflicted injuries, JUSSIE. UGH. Gawd. I’m done. Get him out of my face. JK I’m not done because as I was writing this Fox released the following statement:

“The events of the past few weeks have been incredibly emotional for all of us. Jussie has been an important member of our EMPIRE family for the past five years and we care about him deeply. While these allegations are very disturbing, we are placing our trust in the legal system as the process plays out. We are also aware of the effects of this process on the cast and crew members who work on our show and to avoid further disruption on set, we have decided to remove the role of ‘Jamal’ from the final two episodes of the season.”

byeeeeeeeeeeeeeee

2. Kris Jenner Back At It.

kris_jenner

You know that I typically like to avoid including the Kardtrashians in my blog but game respects game and when you see Kris puppetmaster Jenner/Kardashian(?) pull another scandal out of her bhole, you gotta just sit back and clap for that sneaky B. Keeping up with the Kardashians season 6 zillion premieres on March 31st. CONVENIENTLY, it comes out this week that Kylie’s BFF, roomie & makeup partner Jordyn went to bonetown with Khloe’s baby daddy Tristan Thompson, who has basically been cheating on her since they started dating. The story “leaks” and suddenly you’ve got every Kardashian and the BFFS that haven’t stepped out with their mans going in on social media. They all unfollow Jordyn, she gets kicked out of Kylie’s house, they’re putting up videos singing along to Find Your Own Man. It’s like the WWE smackdown of Kardashians vs. this 21 year old ho they made famous. (I’m allowed to make a WWE comparison because I watch Total Bellas.) Everyone is riveted by it and sitting back with a bowl of popcorn to watch the ratchet drama unfold. In the meantime, Kris writhes her body over stacks of hunnids in a room just filled with cash in her Calabasas mansion. Don’t you think for a second that Jordyn wasn’t offered a deal to be the kingpin of hoes in this storyline. Girls’ got her eyelash line and a fat wad of cash (Kris gives cash on shady deals, she doesn’t pull out the ole checkbook like Jussie did) to keep her warm at night.

3. Miranda Lambert Stole Found The Love of her Life.

This was last week’s news but it took a few days for the ole snoops of social media to get the real scoop on this guy who no one knew. And it was WORTH THE WAIT. Brendan Mcloughlin is a NYC cop, who Miranda met while performing on GMA and having a concert that same night where Brendan was the police detail/crowd control. Bren-dawgs is my age (26.5), was once an aspiring model, oh and also was engaged at the time he met Miranda, with a pregnant girlfriend as well. After I publicly declared in May that I was no longer #TeamMiranda (read about it here), she seemed to lay low for a while, sensing that she was losing a loyal follower because of her infidelities. Obviously, this ended real quick and it seems as though she has found her soulmate of cheaters. Brendan’s fiance found out he was cheating from his 7 month preggers girlfriend who was living with him at the time. *Allegedly* YOIKES. His baby was born the same month that him and Miranda started dating (November) so there was obviously some crossover. Let me be the first to say that they are a match made in heaven and the latest in the Hollywood trend to get married after dating for fifteen minutes. Best of luck to ya!

4. Gaga is Single.

Lady Gaga and her fiance who I literally knew nothing about have split. Obviously everyone is shipping a Gaga-Bradley union and to that I say, There can be 100 people in the room and 99 don’t believe in you, and just one does. And that can change your whole life. I mean literally, change it. Guess we’ll have to wait and see. Oscars are this weekend. Your move, Bradley.

5. Weekly Dose of Tasteful Nudity.

I always like to post the latest Calvin Klein campaign because who wouldn’t want to feast their eyes on a glossy six pack and judge the size of the guys’ package tucked into some briefs? This campaign features A$AP Rocky, Noah Centineo, Kendall Jenner, and Shawn Mendes. Since I’m a 13 year old girl (and because it wouldn’t be a competition with A$AP), let’s check out how Noah and Shawn fared.

View this post on Instagram

@CalvinKlein #MyCalvins. Campaign coming this week.

A post shared by Shawn Mendes (@shawnmendes) on

View this post on Instagram

@calvinklein by @_glen_luchford #mycalvins

A post shared by Noah (@ncentineo) on

Point to Shawn for Abs, Point to Noah for Package. Looks like we broke even here, boys. TYSM for participating. Also here’s a nice laugh from my favorite British doughboy, James Corden to round out the week.

Standard
JUice

Weekly JUice

Week of 3/14/16

1. Think twice before you eat food, YOU ANIMALS. 

This is Seth Rogen’s latest venture and obviously it has all the key players of a Seth Rogen production. It’s dirty and it has all of his BFF’s in it. Apparently it’s the very first R rated animated movie. I can definitely get down with it. Except for the whole bun character. I don’t need to stare at an animated vagina for 2 hours. Jus sayin. Really makes you think twice about how you’re considered a murderer every time you shovel food down your gullet. JK CARROTS CAN’T ACTUALLY TALK, GUYS. I’m going to go ahead and keep inhaling food at an alarming rate, thanks.

2. Child Stars who aren’t F’ed up.

Since everyone knows the 90’s was that hawt shit, today’s tv and movies are doing everything they can to feed off of that decade. Next up, a reality show featuring child stars Jodie Sweetin (Stephanie Tanner), Christine Lakin (Al Lambert), and Beverly Mitchell (Lucy Camden). It’s supposed to follow them now and show how well adjusted they are. (I guess we’re going to gloss right on over Jodie Sweetin’s casual meth addiction…) I’m not sure if this will be must-see TV. UNLESS Bev spills on what it was like to tongue Lance Bass on the set of 7th Heaven. Lucy may have been a diehard Christian but that didn’t stop her from being all about that bass and I’d love to hear some juicy deets.

lance

3. Taylor Swift the swimsuit model. 

Taylor and Calvin just rang in their one year and decided this week to celebrate with a bunch of bikini shots of Taylor in a tropical location. HOT DAMN legs for days. Who knew Tay had it in her? Suddenly the girl who only showed her belly button one time and it was front page news is striking mad sultry poses in a bikini (still no belly button b-t-dubbs.) Calvin’s bod ain’t so bad either, I guess.

4. Mariah tries to stay relevant.

mariah-carey-side-eye

Mariah Carey got a reality show called “Mariah’s World” on the Kardashian network. When asked about the show, Mariah said,“I thought it would be a good opportunity to kind of, like, show my personality and who I am.” Since Mariah is a notorious asshole diva I’m assuming she’s trying to rehab her image a touch. Watch her plan her billion dollar wedding this summer on E!

5. Hit the gym, bruh.

Standard
JUice, Uncategorized

Weekly JUice

Week of 11/16/15

1. David Beckham is the Sexiest Man Alive…and I approve wholeheartedly.

Last year I was fresh on the blog scene and I wrote a scathing disapproval of People’s choice. I stand by it 100% to this day but I have also never hidden my love for Becks and therefore I support him taking the W this year. The Beckham family is legit one of the most attractive families on this earth. The kids won the genetic lottery and David defines DiLF. I’m actually shocked that he hasn’t won the title yet…I can only hope that the people over the past 20 years who never chose him have subsequently been fired for their poor decision making. Anyway, if you want to watch the original unveiling via Jimmy Kimmel and laugh at how long it took his live audience to guess the man, please see below.

2. Charlie Sheen is no longer winning.

charliesheen

So…yiiiiiikes. Charlie Sheen announced this week on the Today Show that he’s HIV positive. I mean, something tells me that when you publicly go off the rails, bang a bunch of hookers and do a bunch of drugs, you MIGHT catch a waft of the ole HIV. I bet he probably regrets being a real asshole to the world and yapping about how he had tiger blood running through his veins. Hindsight is 20/20. You know what’s bananas? I’ve been doing transcription of interviews about HIV and Hep C and I learned something new. Surprising, right? You probably thought I knew everything. But anyway, you can contract Hep C from sharing a toothbrush. A TOOTHBRUSH.

All this HIV talk has also sent me down memory lane to high school when Dan Davis, HIV positive motivational speaker came to my high school and scared the SHIT out of a bunch of kids whose idea of going crazy was stealing some of mom’s Mike’s Hard Lemonade and swigging them in the basement–not doing intravenous drugs. Obviously times have changed now, but in like 2004, a guy with a ponytail telling you that he could wipe a drop of blood on the seat in front of you and twenty years later someone could touch it and get infected was absolutely terrifying. He scared well. WHAT A DAD. (That very long sidebar was for the benefit of my fellow FM’ers..I also found a very ratchet video, should you want to hear his famous line IRL, FF to 31:36 here )

3. No Soup for you.

joel

After 22 seasons, (SHIT!) Joel McHale’s version of The Soup has been cancelled and the last episode will air December 18th. I’ve never actually popped a bag of popcorn and sat down to watch The Soup every Friday (?) night–I’m guessing no one else did either and that’s why it’s getting cancelled, but any time I happened to catch it on TV it was hilarious. There’s something about a network full of Kardashians allowing a man to eviscerate them for how stupid they are that brings a smile to my face. Joel’s mockery of foreign soap operas, The Bachelor, trashy MTV shows and his own network will absolutely be missed. Now that there’s no one to keep E! in check, I’m assuming the Kardashians will buy it.

4. Merry Christmas from SNL.

amytina

Santa will be coming early this year in the form of SNL hosts. Ryan Gosling will be hosting on December 5th, allowing us to drool a little extra over him since he’s casually been in hiding since the birth of his child. And the holiday episode right before Christmas on Dec 19th will be hosted by Tina Fey and Amy Poehler. Hallelujah, Christ is born. Obviously this will feature the comeback of many old school SNL peeps because ratings, and I wouldn’t be surprised if JT snuck in there. Jus sayin. Set your DVRs.

5. First look at Ben the Bachelor.

The Bachelor released their trailer for the upcoming season with Ben Higgins, one of the most boring contestants I ever had to watch. He better spice it up for his own season. Although judging from this trailer, it looks like the producers took that job into their hands by delivering him twins. Ew times a thousand, ABC. Be grosser. The 1, 2 debut of identical twins from the limo was so tacky that I half expected Ben to say hubba, hubba. “Group hug?” wasn’t much better. As always I will be recapping the mayhem and possible fantasy suite twin threesome so stay tuned for THAT.

BONUS: They finally turned my life into a movie.

 

DOUBLE BONUS: Joseph Gordon-Levitt DID the damn thing as Janet Jackson. That choreography. Whoa.

Standard
Television

Fresh TV Recommendations

I don’t know if you’ve heard but I watch a lot of TV. My dependence on TV is so serious that when my cable wasn’t working for a week in college I called my dad every single day to cry about it until it was fixed. I was only receiving the God channel that plays actual church 24/7. Yeah it was probably a sign but I refused to accept it. Anyway, since there is unlimited amounts of new shows every few months, I try to expand my palette and I’ve decided to share my findings. From downright trashy to somewhat critically acclaimed, hopefully there’s something for everyone here. Binge away! (Note: Some shows have yet to premiere, but I took it upon myself to recommend them anyway, because I do what I want.)

1. Hindsight, VH1-Wednesdays 10P

hindsight Obviously VH1 is not the most esteemed TV network what with their Love & Hip Hop or Basketball Wives or whatever, but they’re trying to get into the scripted TV game and all they really needed to do was start running ads with 90’s music and they had me hooked. This show has a flashback premise, so if you only watch realistic shows it’s probably not for you. Becca (Olivia from She’s the Man) is about to get married for the 2nd time in present day and she’s like hey maybe I’m making the wrong decision and she gets in an elevator and suddenly she’s back in 1995 on the eve of her first wedding and great news she gets to relive her 20’s again and make better decisions this time. There’s a lot of love triangles, Ace of Base and hiiiiideous 90’s fashion, which makes it pretty awesome. Also, great news it just got renewed for season 2, so catch up now and immerse yourself in the velvet and overalls. Sway Factor(s): Hot men (if you’re into that sort of thing) and black chokers. andy jamie Screen shot 2015-03-17 at 9.45.41 PM sean Screen shot 2015-03-17 at 9.46.13 PM

2. Empire, Fox-Wednesdays 9P

empire-fox.jpg-618x400

This is more on the critically acclaimed side of things because it’s actually getting good reviews and has a lot of star power behind it. Basically it’s about the Lyon family, who is a full-on hot mess and how they run their successful Hip Hop/R&B record label. Lucious Lyon is the head and a real D-bag, also former rapper/singer and his three sons or heirs to the throne are varying degrees of spoiled dicks. His ex-wife and part founder of Empire, Cookie, just got released from jail after 17 years from dealing drugs and she’s back to tear shit up and be a general sassternaut. Essentially this is the urban version of Nashville, except it doesn’t have tired story lines yet. There’s some drug stuff, and some murdering stuff and some music stuff, ya heard? Sway Factor(s): There’s an actual song that youngest Lyon raps with the chorus “She make that thang go Drip drop, drip drippity drop.” I’ll let you use your imagination to figure that one out. Season Finale is this week but that gives you all summer to catch up before season 2. Also you get to see Cookie wear some of the SASSIEST outfits of anyone on TV ever and lay down some great one liners. leopard 9-Ways-Taraji-Slayed-As-Cookie-Lyon-On-Empire-feat Empire tumblr_nix9afQ2tY1u80fa2o4_400

3. Lip Sync Battle, Spike-Premieres April 2nd 10P

LSB_Logo_Black_HR

As you probably know from my JUice a month or so ago, once they announced that the host of this show was going to be LL Cool J, I really wanted to hate all over it. They took a sacred Fallon sketch and turned it into a show with a washed up Kangol aficionado hosting. But damnit, I’m going back on my word because it actually looks entertaining. They released some teaser trailers and clips for it and now I feel like it might be must-see TV. Fallon makes some appearances and apparently Chrissy Teigen is just a fly girl on the sides or something? All I know is that I’m in. Sway Factor: There’s props and costumes.

4. The Grace Helbig Show, E!-Premieres April 3rd 10:30P

helbig_101_promo_v2_232746_1280x720

Grace Helbig started out on Youtube with quick webisodes about goofy shit and after watching a few of them here and there I feel like her new show will be fab, which is why I’m raving about it before it has even started. I’m sure this is E!’s attempt to fill the void that Chelsea Handler left behind but regardless, I think we can all agree that E! needs to clean up the huge dumpster fire that Fashion Police created for them. Grace is awkward and silly and makes a lot of inapprops poop jokes. I think you can quickly assume why I love her. Her book released this year entitled, “Grace’s Guide: The Art of Pretending to be a Grown-Up” is a fun read and she gives some great advice. Case in point, her advice for first dates is to never eat something that would upset your stomach… “Let your personality be explosive, not your butthole.” I think she’ll make for GREAT television. Sway Factor: IT’S NOT THE KARDASHIANS.

5. Marry Me, NBC (Pretty much already cancelled)

Marry Me - Season 1

I’m throwing you for a quick loop here by adding in a show that most certainly will not survive past it’s first season, in fact it was basically already edged off the air. I’m doing this because A. if you were a fan of Happy Endings you’ll appreciate it and B. it has witty writing and if you watch it you’ll probably learn some cool new abbrevs. It’s basically Penny from Happy Endings but with a guy who can tolerate her. They’re engaged and living together and have a bunch of weird friends. Plus now we have a sitcom to round out my list of shows to check out. (I’m totally mailing it in, it was really hard to think of a 5th show, judge me, I dare you.) Anywho, the first handful of episodes from this show were actually very funny and although it went downhill real quick maybe it will feed your Happy Endings-less nostalgia.

Sway Factor: The return of DRAMA Derek & hip pop culture references, kick ass relationship goals:

“Annie: Hey bae. Jake: Is bae really that much shorter than babe? It’s literally the same amount of syllables. Annie: But that extra “b” makes my mouth so tired.”

Marry Me

marry-me-pilot-4

BONUS: The Royals, E!-Sundays 10P

rs_300x300-150126180007-TheRoyals_S1_Brick_300x300_1

Although I haven’t watched this yet and it is sure to be appointment trash television, I felt obliged to add it to the list because Marc Schwann is the creator and if this show is half as fantastic as One Tree Hill, it’ll be very entertaining. Plus, Brits <3. Good news is that the series premiere was just last Sunday so not a lot of catching up necessary.

Standard