JUice, Uncategorized

Weekly JUice

Week of 10/15/18

1. Another reason to talk about Meghan and Harry.

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As if you ever need a reason…but obviously first comes love, then comes giant televised royal wedding, then comes BAYBAY!!! Pretty high hopes for this nugget to be a stunnah but that’s also because Kate and Wills kids are so adorbs. Kinda sets the bar high. Either way, the announcement was made and now the royal coups is in Australia and we won’t stop breathing down their necks with stupid articles about how Meghan is feeling, how much Harry loves her and wants a baby, what they wore and ate for breakfast every day, etc. Royal fever will literally never die. I MEAN DID YOU SEE THAT DOUBLE HANDHOLD? GOALSonGoalsonGOALS according to every news site in our country that reported it like it was bigger news than their pregnancy. It’s embarrassing how much we drool over these two. Wipe it up, America. (Coming from a girl who has a saliva problem herself, I’m not judging, I’m being a friend.)

The Duke And Duchess Of Sussex Visit Australia - Day 3bondibeach

2. That’s a lot of tattoos to erase.

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In shocking news to literally no one, Ariana Grande and Pete Davidson have broken up after getting engaged five minutes into their relashe (126 days together but who’s counting). I’m not going to pussyfoot around this…if you both rebound REAL hard and then one of the exes dies from an overdose, that will probably throw a wrench into the mix of your already v. fragile partnership. Since I reported when they got engaged along with a slew of other “let’s just get married real quick because we are celebrities and why not” jabronis, it felt necessary to report when the first one ended. Keeping an eye on you, Biebz and Nick Jonas…

piggysmallz

Anyway, they made a statement, Pete cancelled a standup, Ariana went social media black. I mourned the loss of the term butthole eyes. (I’m still gonna use it, tbh) Ariana got custody of their pet, Piggy Smallz and you know, all of the shit she paid for because she makes 10x what Pete does. And now we have to watch them slowly cover up/eliminate the 1 million tattoos all over their bodies for each other. WooooOoooo Buddy. No seriously, peep below. Just on their hands alone they have like 3 matching tattoos. You know how people say tattoos are forever so think about what you’re doing? Lolololol let’s cover our bodies in each other’s names and phrases. FTR, Pete also did this with his ex girlfriend and had to glaze on over those as well. He’s no rook to the breakup & immediately eliminate body art game. Extra funny slash sad that he tattooed the pig on him and she took it. Maybe consider part time custody for the little oinker?!

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3. I love this wedding dress.

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Karlie Kloss got hitched (and Taylor wasn’t there…a detail that apparently needed to be pointed out. SHE’S ON A WORLD TOUR, GUYS.) Either way, YES MA’AM to this dress!!! I’m lovin it a whole lot. That’s all. See! I can be nice sometimes!

Karlie Kloss Josh Kushner wedding

(from rep)

Credit: BFA

4. My childhood crushes need to stop getting arrested.

WHAT is it with classic 90’s child stars getting arrested for assault? Like 90% of the Sandlot cast got arrested, including my heart Benny the Jet Rodriguez and now we’ve got Jesse former bad boy whose life was turned around by Annie, Glen and his BFF killer whale Willy getting pinched for a domestic with his girlfriend. Allegedly he accused her of cheating on him with her coworker, busted the door down kool-aid man style and grabbed her. YOIKES Jess. Not a good look. That shit will get you sent right back to Wade and the other orphans every time. Where’s Willy when you need him? Oh that’s right, he’s dead because Seaworld killed him. THE HITS KEEP ON COMING. Smash play on Michael Jackson and let his soulful nonsense wash all of this away. If JTT gets arrested next I will LOSE MY SHIT.

5. Eminem performed in the clouds.

Jimmy Kimmel’s in NYC this week and I guess he really wanted to make a splash so he had Eminem make a Venom music video in the Empire State Building. I’ve always been a music video fan and it’s pretty cool how he filmed it there and the way that it was shot but what’s absolutely terrifying is that he’s at the tippy top just rapping like it ain’t no thang. I went to the Empire State Building when I was like 11, so you could say I’m pretty worldly. The elevator ride alone was terrifying seeing how high you were going up and then when I got up there I had about enough courage to get a picture taken with my tiny sunglasses on for my spring break photo album and then it was curtains. Can’t imagine actually MOVING AROUND UP THERE. What a badass you are, Em. Also lol to the fact that no one knew what was going on and just kept taking videos from street level of the empire state building with flashing neon lights. Bet they got some real quality shots of Em-Nasty doin his thang.

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JUice

Weekly JUice

Week of July 23, 2018

I mean it’s not a surprise, every time summer rolls around I stop doing these because the gossip sucks and I’d rather be playing outside than ranting on the internet THEN we hit a big week with lots of headlines and I’m lured back to yap about it. So WE BACK. Let’s talk celeb news.

1. My Girl had a Tough Week. As I’ve publicly declared on this blog one too many times, my obsession with Demi Lovato knows no bounds. So natch I was devastated to hear the news this week that she overdosed and was rushed to the hospital. There’s a lot of sketchy news swirling around what happened, if it was heroin or not but obviously we all knew (I knew it first because I’m one of her closest friends) that she was on a downward spiral recently after admitting to relapsing and releasing a new song called Sober. The real red flag probably should’ve been when she dyed her hair blonde like she’s Kim Kardashian or something, but all jokes aside hopefully she pulls through and can get back on the wagon. I’ve never handled piece of celebrity news more personally like it was my own friend just because I watched a documentary on her and that probably is cause for concern but I DON’T CARE. TEAM DEMI. YOU GOT THIS, GRL. (At least I’m not diehard enough to gather a group and sing at her concert spot. Little pitchy, dawgs.)

 

2. Another five minute engagement.

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Seriously, what the F. What is in the water that every young dum dum with some money in their bank account needs to get engaged a few months into their relationship? Is this the new trend? You know how they say deaths come in threes? Well apparently now premature engagements that have no shot of working out come in threes. Congrats to you two. See you back on here in a few months, no more than a year for your breakup news on the Weekly JUice. Also she’s 36 and he’s 25. Double also, he apparently shut down Tiffany’s to propose. Way to show your age by stealing a move from a rom com that you probably watched when you were 14. If you recall, it didn’t work out for Patrick Dempsey either. TRIPLE also, to make me further want to stab my eyes out, People.com has already written an article about if Meghan and Harry will attend the wedding. FIND YOUR CHILL WITH MEGHAN MARKLE, PEOPLE. No less than 4 headlines a day about her right down to the shoes she wore to a polo match. SHE’S PERFECT. WE GET IT! RANT. OVER.

3. A baby Buble.

Obviously I don’t speak spanish but I DO KNOW that the Bubbles had a baby girl, name not announced yet for me to make fun of. And now that he has three healthy kiddies, fingers crossed he make a comeback on the music scene REAL QUICK. I mean his family’s too stinkin cute, but it’s time for more music.

4. Jenna Dewan bounces BACK. NEKKID. 

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Ever since the announcement of her and Channing’s split, JD’s been pretty saucy on social media so I didn’t even bat an eye at a nude shoot. Girl’s got a bod and she just wants the world to know she’s back on the market. I respect that. Channing’s off doing outdoor activities and art days with their daughter and Jenna’s like check out my curves, yo. Also not for nothing, but opening up an article with, “First things first: Jenna Dewan smells great” is weird as shit. Read the full article here and peep her nudies below.

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5. HOLY BALLS.

I know I just slobbered all over Jenna and her nudes but jeeeeeeeze. Oh hey it’s my birthday here’s my six back and rockin bod. BYEEEEE. You win, JLo, you always will. Also I can’t stop laughing at ARod’s crotchety squint even though he’s wearing what look like female shades and hiding in the back because his dad bod doesn’t hold a candle to his lady’s abs. CRUSHED IT.

PS Unrelated but kind of related I ate cheese fries and fried dough last night for dinner and will 100% be eating pizza tonight. So you see I drool because I will never have the dedication that I’m sure these ladies have to put down the cheese and hit the gym. All the more reason to respect tha hell out of them.

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Pop Culture, Red Carpet

Royal Wedding Red Carpet

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I mean come on. If you thought I was gonna be up before 7AM on a Saturday morning and NOT blog this, you’re out of your mind. I’ve said it on Twitter but I’ll say it again…the most selfish thing the royal family could’ve done was hold this ceremony on local time. No one in their country gives a flying F about this wedding. America is obsessed with the royals and now EXTRA obsessed because an American from what has proven to be a trash ass family with their antics this past month has done the unattainable and found herself a real prince. So long, Sucktown, I’m a princess now! Every little girl’s dream. Even the Today show was like I’ve met more people from California than I have from England here. BUT WHATEVER. Not bitter or anything. Us Americans will set our alarms just to wake up and watch church on TV on a weekend. Don’t worry bout us.

And without further ado, here are the most random collection of celebrities-the chosen ones (with some royals sprinkled in) who got to sit 14 miles away from the altar and “watch” the Royal Wedding.

WORST

The wedding of Prince Harry and Meghan Markle, Pre-Ceremony, Windsor, Berkshire, UK - 19 May 2018

Do you guys remember Joss Stone? She had a song on the radio in like 2003 and apparently that makes her worthy of attending these nuptials with a lady wearing pink fishnets. Either way she’s dressed to attend a 6 year old’s tea party.

Prince Harry Marries Ms. Meghan Markle - Windsor Castle

I LOVE the red heels but I’m sorry I had to do it. You’re attending a wedding not a funeral, guys! JAZZ IT UP.

Royal wedding

This is giving me 1960’s PanAm vibes real hard.

Prince Harry Marries Ms. Meghan Markle - Windsor Castle

Tom Hardy being a baldy really threw me for a loop here. I’m not digging what his lady friend is wearing. The most frills and puffs.

The wedding of Prince Harry and Meghan Markle, Pre-Ceremony, Windsor, Berkshire, UK - 19 May 2018

I’m not a huge fan of dusty pink but this dress is a flattering cut on her.

The wedding of Prince Harry and Meghan Markle, Pre-Ceremony, Windsor, Berkshire, UK - 19 May 2018

Just your classic, oh he’s British so he’s invited. I get that Carey’s a hippie but this dress is not fitting for the ceremony. Mumford looks dapper.

Prince Harry Marries Ms. Meghan Markle - Windsor Castle

Cressida going for some Mexican vibes at her ex’s wedding. That’s one way to stand out!

The wedding of Prince Harry and Meghan Markle, Pre-Ceremony, Windsor, Berkshire, UK - 19 May 2018

Lolol to James Blunt being there but also his date is an embroidered couch cushion.

Prince Harry Marries Ms. Meghan Markle - Windsor Castle

Isn’t this guy in cologne ads? This dress is so unflattering and boring.

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James looks great but I can’t with his wife’s hat. It ruins her whole look.

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Oprah looks FINE. But, she’s OPRAH. I expected so much more from her.

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I keep going back and forth on this dress because the puffballs are really pushing it but bottom line, the hat is basically a yarmulke.

BEST

Royal wedding

At first glance I hated this then I did a quick switch and loved the fact that her shoes match the colored stripes perfectly. Plus that’s a dope hat.

Prince Harry Marries Ms. Meghan Markle - Windsor Castle

Purple’s my favorite color so of course I love this.

The wedding of Prince Harry and Meghan Markle, Pre-Ceremony, Windsor, Berkshire, UK - 19 May 2018

I respect Chelsea Davies wearing dark colors (opposite of Cressida’s piñata dress) because if you’re invited to watch your ex boyfriend make SOMEONE ELSE A PRINCESS, you best show up in your darkest dress, still looking like a babe, to mourn your loss.

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This is typically something I would hate but I like the flourish for the event. Plus I’m a sucker for colored heels.

The wedding of Prince Harry and Meghan Markle, Pre-Ceremony, Windsor, Berkshire, UK - 19 May 2018

Ugh Pippa looking like a dime as always. Show us dat azzz girl! Too far? Whatevs.

Prince Harry Marries Ms. Meghan Markle - Windsor Castle

These two are definitely the best dressed couple there. Showing the Beckham’s how to do it. Coordinated, classy and fun!

The wedding of Prince Harry and Meghan Markle, Pre-Ceremony, Windsor, Berkshire, UK - 19 May 2018

This is a best and a worst all in one photo. Abigail wearing a polka dot frock is a miss no matter what but standing next to the perfectly polished Priyanka makes it 100x worse.

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Get it gurrrrlll with those separates! So trendy!

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Classic look from both.

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I want this outfit. I’ve never needed a matching teal coat, hat and dress more.

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I always appreciate a subtle matching coups.

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This is the best pic I could get for Kate but naturally she’s the skinniest and looking phenomenal with that little sassternaut Charlotte saying hi to the h8ers.

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Not sure if this creates a rivalry to wear the same color as the Queen but Doria looks amazing as she tries to show that not everyone in Meghan’s family is American trailer trash.

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Bow down to Camilla’s hat.

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Nothing will ever be funnier than a permanent scowl paired with a full-on lime green outfit. Her face says I hate everyone while her duds scream I’M READY FOR A SUMMER PARTY!

The wedding of Prince Harry and Meghan Markle, Pre-Ceremony, Windsor, Berkshire, UK - 19 May 2018

Both boys looking like dapper dans.

entranceThe wedding of Prince Harry and Meghan Markle, Ceremony, St George's Chapel, Windsor Castle, Berkshire, UK - 19 May 2018

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I’m not a monster, so I’ll allow Meghan to be on the best dressed list at her own wedding but please know that I found this dress to be incredibly boring. At the same time, she’s beautiful and could’ve worn a rag (which this basically is) and still looked great. Not to throw comparisons into the ring but Kate looked elegant on her wedding day but also jazzed it up with a lacy dress and some mermaid waves. My theory is that Meghan’s history of divorce and being a Hollywood starlet, on top of the fact that her family has pooped all over this wedding looking for publicity rocked the Royal traditions boat a little too  much so she scaled back the dress for compensation.

And here are some couple goals for ya, because these two are cute as shit together:

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If you haven’t quite gotten enough of my snarky commentary, feel free to peep my all of my thoughts tweeted live during the action below…you know before I decided to start this blog because church got boring.

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JUice

Weekly JUice

Week of 11/27/17

1. Every American Girl’s Dream Came True.

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ring

Remember when I announced that Meghan Markle and Prince Harry were dating and that everyone was taking a royal dump on it because she’s American and also half black? WELL GUESS WHAT, NOW SHE’S GONNA BE A ROYAL. I’m down with it. I was never against it. Was it a little sooner than I was expecting? Sure. But have you seen her stems? I don’t blame Harry one bit for locking that shit down.

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It’s funny that America always had this obsession with party boy Harry and who would tame him. I mean there was a literal trash ass reality show where they led Americans to believe they were dating Prince Harry just because they put an orangehead in a suit and had him take the girls on fancy dates. At the time I was like joke’s on all of you, Harry will never settle for a trailer-livin, reality show appearin, AMERICAN. Joke was on me, apparently. American is what he settled for. She’s living out every girl’s princess dreams and I applaud the hell out of her. Gear up for non-stop Heghan fever. (We’ll work on that.) We’ll follow them to every public appearance, analyze their hand holding, have apps to virtually try on her ring, all leading up to the royal wedding that will be bigger than all the awards shows combined. I CANNOT WAIIIIIIITTTTT.

 

2. PERFECT.

 Ed’s baller enough to call up ‘Yonce and be like wanna sing this beautiful song I’ve already released with me? And she’s like YUP. It’s even better now. I didn’t think it was possible but the magic of their two voices combining is like Fergie and Jesus. What a duet.

3. I’m still a Demi superfan.

I just wanted to remind everyone that I still think Demi is QUEEN and I’m loving everything that she’s doing lately. I already ship a good music video real hard but this one was especially gripping. WHAT A ROLLERCOASTER OF EMOTIONS. First thought, Jesse ❤ What a good pick…smokeshow city. Second thought, they look so beautiful together and they clearly have a good sex life. Then WHABOOM, I see we’ve taken a turn for the “this is gonna be forever or it’s gonna go down in flames” territory. One thing’s for certain though and that is mah gurl Demi looks flawle$$ on her fake wedding day. Could’ve done with less of the shitty acting, tbh. But it all played into the drama and I get it. Song also bangs, so that doesn’t hurt either.

4. Jersey Shore Rides Again.

Never thought that in 2018 we would still be watching self-proclaimed guidos dick around on vacation but then again what can we predict in Hollywood anymore? These washed up trash monsters are mostly settled down now…Snooki and JWoww are parents (yikes) which apparently means it’s time to get the gang back together. JShore when it first debuted was MAGIC. Angelina getting called a dirty little hamster by Pauly D was one of my favorite moments in TV history. Then by season 4 when they’re pulling in Snooki’s friends (from Poughkeepsie, NY) as part of the show it was like eh ok. That’s enough. Probably the only thing that entices me to tune in is that Sammi Sweetheart won’t be there to sob and scream RAWN, HOW DARE YOU?! over and over and over again. Count me in.

5. VS Show = Garbage.

ming xi

As you all know, every year I recap the VS Fashion show so that we can laugh at the fluff material they film with dumbass underwear models to fill that hour timeslot on CBS and also summarize which singer interacted with the models most awkwardly. Well you know what? This year was THE WORST. Not only did I get false confirmation that Taylor Swift would be performing, but instead of Tay they had Miguel and a jazz singer. MIGUEL. IN 2017. The last time we heard of Miguel it was because he had committed a murder right in front of our very eyes.

What a joke of entertainment selection. I couldn’t even get excited for Harry. Honestly. The only thing I will post about the show is the model who cockily flashed the dubz peace sign then proceeded to fly through the air and fall flat on her face. Most brutal thing I’ve ever seen is that they didn’t edit her fall out OR THE SOBBING that occurred afterward backstage. What a commitment to ruining this girls’ career and completely embarrassing her. Feel free to watch it back here.

 

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JUice

Weekly JUice

Week of 10/31/16

1. Prince Harry ALLEGEDLY dates an American.

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Remember that horrendous reality TV show a few years ago where they tricked a bunch of T-Rash American girls into thinking Prince Harry was dating them when they were actually just dating a ginger actor? When that came out I was like well this is the reason Prince Harry will never so much as sniff at an American. I can’t even believe WE ALL HAD A CHANCE THIS WHOLE TIME. Ok, whatevs, this girl is gorge and an actress and charitable AF–AND according to her Twitter bio she is “a traveler of this beautiful world.”Fine, we get it. You’re the bomb.com, girl. I guess Harry is over his blacking out in Vegas days and looking to settle down. That is, if every gossip mag reporting this relationship like it’s the royal wedding doesn’t scare him off. GUD LUCK, MEG!

2. Emma Watson is perfection.

beauty

More pics from the live action Beauty and the Beast were released this week and of course Emma is crushing it as Belle. I’ve never seen anyone look better in a yellow dress than the time I wore it for Halloween in 2013. But I’m willing to pass the torch to her because she’s perfect for this role and also I would never in a billion years want to smooch this beast with horns. Yikes. Can we see the after photo? Also I’m gonna need a close-up of Gaston. Cause like, Gaston can’t be hot. Cartoon Gaston just looked like a dick and I can’t be getting all confused about who Belle is supposed to be attracted to if they give this movie the Hollywood treatment and Gaston is a dreamboat while Beast is over there snarling and picking gnats out of his fur.

3. Beyonce eats cheetos. STARS. THEY’RE JUST LIKE US. I love how it was a legitimate headline this week that Bruno Mars revealed Beyonce nommed all up on some cheetos before the Super Bowl halftime show. He even included that she had the cheezy dust on her fingers. Talk about blackmail. See if Beyonce ever snacks around Bruno again. But actually, if all I have to do is eat cheetos to get a body like B then I’m basically there. Except for the whole orange dust thing. I’m not saying I’m above it, but it might be frowned upon for me to sit at my desk and lick my fingers after snacktime.

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4. There’s still hope for me. Was cruising through twitter this week and saw that someone had tweeted this photo:

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And said this is what Ice Box looks like now. Since everyone knows I have an affinity for wearing a backwards hat like a big ole lez and pretending it’s adorable, this is HUGE news for me. The girl who starred in Little Giants and looked like THIS:

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…now looks like a smokeshow. Here’s what I looked like as a child vs. grown up. We’ve still got some time, guys. I’m not worried. IT’S JUST A PHASE.

5. Fuller House got worse. 

Ah yes, the season 2 that EVERYONE (read: no one) has been anticipating. Fuller House is going the way of Girl Meets World and after watching this disaaaaaster of a trailer, I gotta say I’m officially out. No more she-wolf pack jokes, no more Danny Tanner dressed as Vanilla Ice going through a mid-life crisis and DEFINITELY no more DJ wasting an opportunity with hot vet Matt. I feel like a giant weight of terrible MK&A jabs has been lifted off of my shoulders and I encourage everyone else to quit as well. Mostly because if anyone talks about this I’ll have FOMO and immediately binge watch. LET’S STAY STRONG TOGETHER.

PS this throwback of Uncle J looking like a total babe soda isn’t helping me stay strong.

BONUS: My dad is funnier than me. Den & I have an age old tradition (since I graduated college), where when I’m faced with financial decisions, I ask him to explain them to me in 90’s pop culture references. It’s a fool proof method, really. He knows all of the characters I’m obsessed with, and also smart stuff like MONEY. After college graduation he broke down investments via Dawson’s Creek and this week he delivered a killer Saved by the Bell comparison to teach me what an IRA account is. Read and appreciate that my dad is and will always be cooler than yours.

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It’s almost like he should have his own blog or something. (JK-steal my spotlight and I’ll cut a bitch.) One blog per fam. PS Happy 2nd Birthday to The Salty Ju last week. #ShamelessPlug

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