JUice

Weekly JUice

Week of January 27, 2020

1. Bella Babies.

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BECAUSE OF COURSE THESE TWO ARE PREGNANT AT THE SAME DAMN TIME. And listen, I love them a whole lot and want to be BFF’s with them but this is RIDICULOUS. They know it’s ridiculous too. They had to basically be like no this is real and we didn’t plan this like the assholes that you think we are. As the story goes, Brie and Bryan were trying for a second kid for several months and decided to give up because maybe it wasn’t in their plan to have another kid and boom, Brie ends up pregnant. Nikki on the other hand, FRESHLY engaged, obviously did not plan this and therefore we’ve got a Bella oops. My favorite part about this whole story is that Nikki told Brie she was pregnant before telling her fiancé AND Brie was piiiiiisssedddd. Literally her reaction was “this is a nightmare” and that is hilarious to me. No one tells it like it is like your own sister–even more so, your twin. I know this because I have a twin (or so every bouncer and random bar bro who wants to strike up a conversation with us chooses to believe.) In this scenario, Brie would be my sister and I would be Nikki. I know this because I asked my sister the other day if I would be a good mom and she goes, you don’t even like kids. To which I responded, neither do you and you have one. TWO CAN PLAY THAT GAME, BISH. Honestly though it would be a nightmare for the world if we were ever pregnant at the same time. Look no further than this ahole photo of us wearing leopard coordinated outfits on New Years Eve with bows stolen from my 2 year old niece.

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But anyway, back to the Bella’s who do wrestling, wine, activewear, skincare, reality TV, podcasts and now BIRTH together. Can’t wait for these babies to come on the exact same day because you KNOW that’s what’s going to happen and they’re both going to go OH MY GOSH! (You’ll only understand this if you’re a Total Bellas fan and have ever turned it into a drinking game.) Also, pour one out for John Cena who DID FINALLY SAY he would give Nikki kids and everyone overlooks that fact and he gets DRAGGED for trying to take away her chance to be a mom. Gawd.

2. GOLDBERG.

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HEY if I had to see it, so do you. Those are the rules. My eyes will never be the same. This is the second mugshot for ole Goldberg and boy have things changed in the last few years. As it turns out, meth is not GREAT for your face. He was all tweaked out and decided to break into someone’s garage and car. This blows. And I’ll tell you why. I shipped Goldberg. I thought the funny chunk who farted all the time was hilarious and when it was time to buy a Mighty Ducks shirsey, I bought Goldberg’s even though the cool choice would’ve been Conway. I thought Goldberg would’ve struck up more conversations and now I’m ashamed to wear it ever again because these are NOT the conversations I want to be having. I get that most child stars are messed up and pretty much the entire Sandlot cast has gotten arrested at this point, but what a sharp life turn to take going from the 90’s loveable chubster to meth head trolling through people’s homes. Let us remember him and all of my other 90’s boyfs the way they should be remembered, in the best decade ever, in the creepy blog I wrote about them HERE. Also, related but unrelated because Goldberg won’t be asked to join womp womppp, but Emilio Estevez will be in the Disney + Mighty Ducks reboot series. Welcome back, Coach Bombay. Don’t ever slick your hair like the Iceland coach and keep those ducks flying together and we’ll see if I tune in for this sure to be subpar dumpster fire.

3. Mourning Mamba

I wrote a little bit about this in my Grammy’s blog because it had just happened and it felt weird for me to be watching the awards show and making my dumb twitter and red carpet jokes without acknowledging the awful loss of Kobe, his daughter, and their friends on that flight. Now almost a week later, my sentiment remains the same. I won’t pretend for even a second to know anything about sports or Kobe Bryant as a basketball player but I do know that so many people losing several members of their families in one fell swoop is a horrific tragedy and I cannot even begin to imagine the hurt that they’re all going through. I watched and read so many of the tributes and stories about Kobe and his daughter and old interview clips of him talking about his family and I cried at every single one. Out of everything that I saw, the viral #GirlDad movement that Elle Duncan started hit the hardest.

After so many people shared the video, Elle tweeted this out:

And the world flooded Twitter with adorable pics of dads and their daughters. Well Elle, here’s my submission because we can’t shout out Girl Dad’s without tossing the G-Man in the mix. The guy who explains 401K’s in Dawson’s Creek terms, who used the term lettuce in a eulogy because we taught him that it means cool hair, who learned a Jesse and the Rippers song for his live gigs because his daughters could not be more obsessed with the 90’s and who literally laid down on the floor to get a good angle for my Instagram. He’s not a regular dad…he’s a #GirlDad and a #GirlPapa. Seriously, this family has girls coming out of our ears. But that’s why we’re awesome because as Kobe knew, Girls run the world and make our dads 1 billion times cooler.

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4. My Girl’s Back!

My numero uno girl crush is back on a press tour for her new movie that looks creepy as hell, which means we have so many outfits to feast our eyes on! That yellow Paddington Bear outfit was something I never thought I’d like and yet Blake rocked it and now I’d like to own it for myself. I mean really, quilted yellow shorts. Who would’ve thought? Blake. That’s who.

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In addition to dressing like a boss bitch, she also broke her hand punching Jude Law and the only thing she wanted to tell us about that is how she nailed a dad joke. She is perfect.

5. A Non-Twin Pregnancy

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Number 3. 📸: @DangeRussWilson

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Ciara announced she’s pregnant again in this fierce and tropical photo in the land of rich people vacations and that’s great. Good for her! My bone to pick is with her husband, who also put his own announcement on InstaG and it looked like this:

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Number 3. @Ciara

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I’m sure he was just flexing his portrait mode skillz but if my husband posted a selfie where my pregnant bod is BLURRED OUT IN THE BACKGROUND to announce that we’re having a kid, I would lose my shit. HEY BUD, WHO CARRIES THIS KID FOR 9 MONTHS DEALING WITH CRAVINGS AND NO DRINKING AND THROWING UP AND FEELING LIKE GARBO AND THEN PUSHES THIS HUMAN OUT OF A HOLE THAT IS NOWHERE NEAR 10 CM? NOT YOU IN YOUR REFLECTIVE AVIATORS AND YOUR STUPID EXPENSIVE CHAINS, I CAN TELL YOU THAT. Get your shit together, Russell and start worshipping your Queen, the temple that will house your child and then bring it into this world. PERIOD. (I just binged Cheer in one day and that will now become an annoying thing that I picked up from it and overuse until everyone around me wants to punch me. PERIOD.)

BONUS: Get YO asses ready for JLo (and Shakira) to run train all over the football field this Sunday and I guess two teams will play and there will be commercials and snacks and stuff. But mostly JLo and dem gunz. And Demi kicking things off by roaring about ‘Merica. If you’re really lucky, I’ll blog about the puddle of drool that collects on the floor while I wear my big hoops and sweatsuit in honor of my gurl.

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Music

JLO-BOWL Top Five

I’ve gotten into a pattern of not blogging when I don’t feel like anything triggers me to fire up the ole laptop and clatter away with my obnoxious opinions. Sometimes I feel like, why take the time to blog if I’m not dramatically heated about it? Well, welcome to 2020 where my calendar recently opened up due to the minor detail of not having a job. Was I planning on blogging today? Nope. But then my girl JLo shot me a text that said “Hi Baby!!!!!! Only one month until the Super Bowl! Which song’s do you want to hear on my set list?! (sparkle emoji, heart emoji)” And thank God for me using her marketing platform as a way to pretend I’m close personal friends with her and laugh at all the texts she sends me because WHAT AN INSPIRATION. I’m not going to text her the songs she needs to perform, I’m gonna blog it. HASHTAG CONTENT. So, baby, hope this answers your question (shooting star emoji, kissy face emoji)!!!

First and foremost, if she doesn’t kick the halftime show off with Let’s Get Loud, she’s dead to me. I’m not even counting it as a number because it’s a given. This song is the ultimate pump up jam and I will not accept any other JLo song to open the show.

5. I’m Real (Remix) Ft. Ja Rule.

I’ve been very passionate and outspoken before about my love for that very short time period when Ja Rule would team up with Ashanti and JLo and make dirrty rap smashes. I dream of the day when that golden era music makes a comeback and honestly if JLo trucked Ja out for the halftime show I would probably pee my pants with excitement. Any song that starts out with “WHAT’S MY MUTHAF***IN’ NAME?!” in that grizzly voice of his is already going to be a W for me. Beyond my obvious love for Ja, this is the BEAUTIFUL day and age when JLo is still just Jenny with a top bun, some gold hoops and juicy sweatsuit (shorts edition, gotta show off those stems, yo). This is my favorite kind of JLo as you’ll learn from this list because her OG hits just have a whole lot more street sass than her new shit. This beat highlights her very strong skillset of sing-rapping. NOW I CAN BREATHE AGAIN, BABY NOW I CAN BREATHE AGAIN!

4. Waiting For Tonight.

It’s impossible to listen to this song and not immediately want to swing those hips. This is Jen’s foray into latin club beats and she knocked it out of the park. Plus, what a poetic love song: “I think of the days when the sun used to set On my empty heart, all alone in my bed.” It’s like she can have such a way with words, and then sing them over a beat while she writhes in a bikini and rubs jungle leaves on her face. WHAT A WOMAN. Also a timely choice because in this music video she clubs her way into the new millennium…exactly 20 years ago. While JLo was grinding it up to green neon lights, my family was popping Welch’s non-alcoholic champagne with both my Nana and my Grandma over because both of those olds were convinced the world was going to end in 2000 and didn’t want to die alone. True story.

3. Love Don’t Cost A Thing.

Sometimes we all need to learn a lesson, and this one is very important. JLo don’t want a mans who just lavishes her with gifts and isn’t around because otherwise those gifts will end up sprinkled along the 405 while she’s busy getting cornrows and dancing in front of a tropical green screen. I mean she even ditched the Benz with the custom license plate SO YOU KNOW SHE’S SERIOUS. Also, not for nothing but she’s rich as hell and can buy all this shit for herself anyway and WILL because she’s a boss bitch. So don’t even, HONAYYYY.

2. Get Right.

Full discloszh, I had an extremely difficult time choosing between this one and Do It Well. What edged Get Right in as the prized pick was that saxophone beat. Ignore this weird video where J was obviously trying to puff those acting chops and show that she could play any Jenny you throw at her and just close your eyes and let that sax influence you to pop, lock and drop it. Preferably in a fur-hooded winter coat (crop top style.) If we’re being real though, I can’t even knock her because if I ever had washboard abs like hers, I wouldn’t wear a full length shirt the rest of my life. So I respect it.

1. Jenny From The Block.

THE GOAT. THE PINNACLE OF EVERYTHING THAT IS JENNIFER LOPEZ. Without Jenny from the Block we wouldn’t have a fully dressed Ben Affleck LITERALLY KISSING HER ASS ON A YACHT. Without the Bronx, we wouldn’t have hoodrat Jenny with her nameplate hoops shouting FROM THE BRONX in the background accompanied by rapper hands. We wouldn’t even know what a mid-music video breakdown into a random song or dance number while wearing a do-rag is. And I for one, am #grateful for all of the above. This song and music video sum up everything that is perfection about ya gurl Jen. She’s humble and knows she came from tha hood but also would like to remind everyone that she can dance, sing, bang hot Hollywood babes and buy herself anything she wants now. KWEEN. I’d be even more excited if Bennifer made an appearance at the Super Bowl but I know that’s not realistic. Jenny, if you’re reading this, know that it would be very hilarious and self aware of you to poke fun at Bennifer while performing this song, which should most obviously be your closer. 

BONUS: Limitless

I feel like I was a little heavy-handed on OG JLo from when she was in the prime of her music career and that’s nothing against her, because she’s proven at 50 that she’s still in her prime and yet I pretty much hate any song she’s released within the last decade. She was leaning into the youths a little too much and I tend to not ~~love~~ that type of music. Also, she had quite a few collaborations with Pitbull and I think that bald little hot tamale stinks because he just shouts the same phrases over and over again. The latina DJ Khaled, if you will. HOWEVER, this song that she made for the movie she was in a couple years ago (Second Act–great flick) slaps hard. It makes me want to put on a red power suit and take over the world. GURL POWER. I wouldn’t hate if she slipped this one into the show somewhere with a potential cameo from her daughter who appeared in the video. Also, a great showcase for her vocals, which I feel like she doesn’t have a lot of songs that feature the pipes she’s got. I’m just lookin out for my BFF Jen, who texts me more than my own friends and family.

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JUice

Weekly JUice

Week of 9/23/2019

1. The Year of JLo.

If you feel like you’ve been hearing about JLo a lot lately it’s because she’s killin tha game. She’s 50, went on a world tour to celebrate herself turning 50, threw herself a star-studded birthday bash that I slobbered all over HERE, maintains the body of a 25 year old, got engaged to her “macho” ARod, starred in Hustlers, walked the Versace runway in her iconic boobalicious dress–this time with her legs fully on display and now she’s gonna do the damn Super Bowl Halftime show. I mean seriously. It’s not like she ever really stopped being a Bo$$ bitch, but this has definitely been a big year for Jenny formerly from tha block. And if you can’t already tell, I’m living for it. I mean I literally entered a contest a few weeks ago to win a trip to Montreal to be her date for the Hustlers premiere. It was basically just a marketing ploy to be added into the newest form of spam emails–in text form. But at the same time now when my phone buzzes and it says Jennifer Lopez, I look cool as hell.

Also I kid you not, as I was typing this I got a text from Jen telling me to hit up her new perfume pop up in NYC. Like chill gurl, I already have plans for tonight. (This is what rock bottom looks like if anyone’s wondering.) In continuing my JLo biggest fan parade, I saw Hustlers the other night and after her intro strip scene I literally had to mop up the drool that had collected on the movie theater floor. I understood immediately why there was a gentleman behind me who was there by himself. I also wished I wasn’t sitting so close to him. ANYWAY, back to the Super bowl, which I’m so jazzed about. It’ll feature Shakira as well and my friend Kat and I were just wondering what had happened to Shakira and Enrique Iglesias when I was telling her those were my two favorite CD’s in rotation growing up (I’ve always had hispanic flair, apparently.) So basically by Kat and I talking about Shakira (shout out Laundry Service), we brought her career back. Since it’s a Miami event, unfortunately it’s pretty much guaranteed that they’ll drag out ole Mr. Miami himself so he can shout dalé and MISTA WORLDWIDE a bunch of times. Ugh. Hopefully the gals will do a lot of booty shakin during baldie’s cameo to make up for it. Either way I’ll be cheering my homegirl on from the couch in my finest (faux) fur.

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2. Stars Are Just Like Us.

Resident Hollywood Kewl Grl Jennifer Lawrence is getting married and has decided to partner with Amazon to help inspire future brides with a registry. At first I thought she released her actual wedding registry and was looking for these things and the public could just send her wedding gifts. That got me all sorts of triggered because if you’ll see below at some options, you’ll understand why I wondered WHY THE F AN A-LIST CELEBRITY IS ASKING FOR WINE GLASSES AND AN ADAPTER.

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Once I calmed down, I realized she’s being PAID BY AMAZON TO SUGGEST COMMONER THINGS FOR A WEDDING REGISTRY. She’s monetizing being a bride. Oh reeeeealllyyyy, Jennifer, you travel a lot for work and recommend this CASHMERE TRAVEL SET? GTFO of my face with that. Do us all a favor and copy your BFF Amy Schumer and do a surprise wedding with your closest friends like only celebrities can do. I BETTER NOT SEE YOU WITH A PEOPLE COVER STORY TELLING US WHAT DJ YOU RECOMMEND FOR YOUR NUPTIALS. click here for her full stupid ass registry.

3. Sit Down, Demi.

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I guess I’m all sorts of fired up this week because this also made me mad online. Demi has written a memoir and is now on a press tour promoting it. Normal Hollywood stuff except that she’s been out of the Hollywood limelight for a very significant amount of time and now she wants to stomp on back through and shit all over Ashton Kutcher. NOT ON MY WATCH, DEMI. Some of her more click-bait headlines from the book include having a miscarriage while dating Ashton for only a few months, having a threesome because Ashton wanted to, and Ashton cheating on her and using the threesome as an excuse for cheating. Obviously, the way that Hollywood works, Ashton would’ve had a head’s up about all of this coming out so he’s prepared to deal with it. What REALLY fired me up though was when Demi went on Ellen and was basically blaming Ashton for her alcoholism. She also had the balls to be like I’m not attacking anyone, I’m just telling my story. Oh. Ok, Demi. So you’re going to say you started drinking because you thought Ashton wanted a cool girlfriend who could drink–when you were already 10+ years sober and rather than being like actually I can’t drink because I’m an alcoholic, you decided to throw that all away to be what you thought he wanted? AND THEN SAY IT WAS HIS FAULT?! COME OnnnnnnNNNNNNnnnnNNNNNN. She told a story of him posting a picture of her passed out on the toilet and called it shaming. In the words of my sister, “LIKE MAYBE DON’T GET SO DRUNK AND PUKE IN A TOILET IF YOU DON’T WANT IT PHOTOGRAPHED.” She also added that her husband has taken many drunk and embarrassing photos of her and she’s not gonna cry and write a book about it. I can vouch for this because one time Nikki and I went to Dollar Thursday Night at the Syracuse Sky Chiefs game–a phenomenal summer staple (now ruined…probably because of us) where all beers and hot dogs were $1. We got trashed then came home and reheated Olive Garden breadsticks and ate them on her kitchen floor. I took a photoshoot of her posing on her floor with the foil breadsticks bag in her mouth like the calendar girl that she is and uploaded that shit RIGHT to Facebook. So honestly Demi, a pic of you passed out is NOTHIN. Cut the shit. #TeamAshton. Also, I’m going to go out on a limb here and say that Mila didn’t die her hair because of Demi’s tell all. So let’s relax with that.

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4. Diplo <3’s the JoBros

Remembs when Sophie and Joe got married after the BBMA’s and Diplo live streamed it and I was jelly because I’ve always wanted to be casually a part of celebrity stuff like that? Well apparently they didn’t want him to do that and now it’s turned into a giant joke kind of like Diplo’s fashion sense. Here’s a new collab between the two that doesn’t stink. Plus it shows that the Jonas Brothers actually have a bunch of personalities, which I would not have guessed from seeing them in concert. What is hilarious, is that Diplo is trying his hand at “country” by using his real name. This is apparently one of his country songs. Someone get back to me on which part of this song is country music.

5. Hot Girl Fall.

Since I introduced y’all to Hot Girl Summer–the anthem that allows girls to hoe out and attribute it to a season, I felt that it was important to also share Hot Girl Fall. Cause bitches love fall, and I love that Megan Thee Stallion is playing right into basic betches everywhere. Get it, girl. Although I won’t be celebrating fall just yet because beach season lives on until the first snowfall in my mind, maybe I’ll mix in a pumpkin ass beer this weekend in honor of theeeee stallion.

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Music, Television

TimberBowl Recap

I haven’t made it a regular thing to recap the Super Bowl. In fact, the last time I did was #49, the year of Left Shark and my very first Super Bowl win that affected my life. The Pats won, I was working in downtown Boston and got to pretend to be a fan in order to leave work for 90% of the day and watch the parade. Gronk pointed at me, I creeped on Brady and Edelman, it was a win win for everyone really. (Not so much this year…ZING.) Anyway, I got carried away there, the point of the story is, I’m gonna try and recap the Super Bowl for content again. And by recap I obviously mean laugh it up over some commercials and drool over mah main man JT.

Top Three Commercials (The only three that made me laugh):

Sprint Robots. I have the sense of humor of a five year old and this commercial was right up my alley. Robot looks this doc right in the eye and tells him he has a dumb face. BOOM. ROASTED. BY A ROBOT.

Doritos Blaze / Mountain Dew Ice. I’ve been a huge fan of Lip Sync Battle ever since it was just a sketch on Fallon and this is why. Having a celeb commit to performing someone else’s song and nailing every word is impressive. It’s even better when it’s not even close to what you expected coming out of their mouth. Peter Dinklage rapping Busta perfectly followed by Morgan Freeman doing Missy? Yes, please.

NFL Dirty Dancing. Odell Beckham Jr. and Eli Manning did the Dirrrrty and since we know OBJ has moves for days, they gave Eli the lead. And let me tell you, he was stiff as a board. Not one hip swivel that would’ve made Patrick Swayze proud.

Creepiest Commercial Award goes to: Steven Tyler driving a Kia and coming out of it a wax statue of his younger years. Seeing that was ALMOST as rough as his janky ass toes that he flaunts all over the joint.

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And finally, the real reason for this event…TIMBERBOWL TIME.

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JT kicked it off with Filthy (which I called, NBD but KBD), he struts his stuff and grinds on some betches and it’s gametime. He then dives into a medley of nothin but the hits, which isn’t really news because JT has only been putting out bangers for the past 20 years. What we do need to address is his wooftastic outfit. Busy AF mountain patterned coordinated separates, as he’s flanked by dancers wearing army green gauchos and red suspenders. YIKES. He’s really embracing this woodsy vibe I guess. This was strike one of the performance. (Adding a jacket for Suit & Tie on top of that barfarama didn’t help matters either, nor did it distract from that red handkerchief hanging from his neck.)

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#SBLII #PepsiHalftime @Pepsi @NFL #MOTW @thetnkids

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Strike two was taking it down halfway through for a piano solo and casual Prince projection that he played along with. I get that Prince is from Minnesota so it was supposed to be a nice tribute but like, odd way to do it. Shouts to the purple lights over the city though, cause that was cooler than watching a VHS projected on a bedsheet hanging behind his piano.

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Most importantly let’s talk about Mirrors and how it gave me chills and will continue to do so until the end of time. I wish the entire halftime performance was just him performing Mirrors, uncut. I would watch that all day, erreday. Oh yeah, and some 13 year old wiener got to take a billion selfies with JT during the trolls finale and clearly didn’t know the words to Can’t Stop the Feeling, which you have to be a moron not to know the words to. GET IT TOGETHER, KID. The internet has immediately roasted him for not having a clue who Justin even is. So now we’ve made him even more famous. Eye roll.

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Overall rating: Safe halftime show, wooftastic wardrobe, entertaining obviously but could’ve used more fun stuff (like maybe an N*SYNC reunion). Also that dancing?! Undie slush city.

PS Everyone can F all the way off with this shit about JT creating controversy by performing Rock Your Body without Janet Jackson. HEY WORLD, JANET JACKSON IS IRRELEVANT, JT GETTING THE HALFTIME SHOW IS NOT AN ATTACK ON HER OR HER RACE. STFU.

BONUS: Since I stayed up WAY past my bed time. Like WAY WAY (talking 2am, folks) to watch Jack Pearson traumatically die and then FINALLY the tonight show. Here’s some clippy clips. JT and JFall continued to make me giggle and feel as though I am a part of their bromance as they do silly voices and have inside jokes. Me too, guys! I’m in this too! Also Justin continued his new “outdoorsy” lewk with jeans, tims, a bright orange shirt and camo jacket. I’m a little peeved with him replacing the fedora with this weird Marv from Home Alone beanie. But whatevs. He performed two songs as well but lezzz be real, I stayed up just to watch him act like an idiot with his BFF Jimmy.

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Uncategorized

Weekly JUice

Week of 9/26/16

1. Prepare Yourselves.

It’s official now, Lady G is halftiming the Super Bowl, so get ready for all of the outrageousness. I thought that she had toned down, she wasn’t really releasing music, she was trying acting on for size, she kept hanging out with Tony Bennett and was going to marry that hunk Taylor Kinney (I’m momentarily blacking out when they had paint sex for “art”). But now that she’s single and releasing new music, there’s really no telling what will go down at this show. It is guaranteed that there will be obnoxious outfits and gimmicks. Gr8 for twitter, not suh gr8 for my eyes.

2. WOOF. The band breaks up, you chop your ratty locks off (a trim would’ve done just fine) and suddenly you’re an actor now but HOW DOES ANY OF THAT EXPLAIN THIS?

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No but f’reals, Harry. Clean it up. This isn’t you. This also serves as a PSA to old people like me, that if you were to just glance at the comments on these instas, you’ll find that 90% of the teen females are commenting “Daddy” or “Father”. Since I recently learned this for myself and had to choke back vomit, I think it’s time that I relay it to the crowd, as it is further proof that youths today are the WORST. Apparently, young ladies are now calling their favorite stars what one might call their dad. And it’s LIT. JK, it’s gross. But they think it’s cool and since teens are the future of this world, pls put us out of our misery. Go ahead and make each other famous for wearing vans on snap chat all you want, but cut the shit with the daddy issues. Your celeb crushes are not going to date you because you compare them to dear ole dad. (Also because you still live with your parents and probz have a curfew womp womppp) It’s creepy and weird and I wish I could unhear/unsee it. BE BETTER, TEENS.

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3. BRING IT BACK. 

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I anticipated just posting about a Will & Grace reunion photo until they dropped a new scene Monday night right before the debate and I peed my pants a little in excitement. Even though they were trying to be timely and political, it mostly just made me miss Karen, that squeaky-voiced rich, racist asshole. And damn it she looks great. They all do. I smell a comeback so get to steppin, TV people! Vote for Will & Grace.

4. I’m totally moving to Canada. So I can hang with the most adorbs fam on this earth. Royals are in Canada and therefore I’m on baby picture overload. But with these nuggets I don’t mind. Check out little George in his baby knickers PS I get that it’s English tradition to dress this way but George would earn a little more street cred if his parents stopped putting him in booty shorts with his socks pulled up to his hips. Jus sayin. He’s doing his best to pull it off though. And obviously Charlotte’s chunk face steals the show. What I would give to have my parents grab each of my hands and give me a 1,2,3 jump where they essentially used their upper arm strength to fling me through the air so I didn’t have to walk places. Ah, the simple life.

5. WTF happened? 

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This isn’t me body shaming. This is me being legitimately terrified by the pictures that surfaced from MK&A’s “carefree” French vacay for some rich persons’ wedding. I think the only thing that I can give her a fist bump for is her fresh tan, considering I feel like the last time these two saw sunlight was in their 2001 beach CLASSIC “Holiday in the Sun”. Other than that, yikeronis. There are no words for the transformation that these two have completed into ghouls.

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Bonus: We have a problem. 

And that problem is I think I have an unruly crush on wittle baby Shawn Mendes. Him and James have a very scripted “riff-off”, which turns into essentially eight minutes of me wondering if Shawn Mendes is old enough to swoon over. Even when he’s dissing James, he’s still polite. What a gent. Also, 90’s music is a kajillion times better than today’s music and that’s fact. But it’s cute that Shawn tried. And I just want to tussle his soft, swoopy hair. So sue me. (Pls don’t.)

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JUice

Weekly JUice

Week of 2/29/16

1. The Museum of MK&A.

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Shout out to Lindsey for tipping me off to a kickstarter that funds a museum dedicated to the Olsen twins. Unfortuantely, upon further research I learned that this pitch BLOWS and I will be personally offended if anyone donates money to it. Instead of creating a 90’s utopia where everyone is required to wear bucket hats and pastel tinted shades, where you can watch unlimited “You’re Invited” movies, put anything your heart desires on a pizza and shop til you drop in the Magical Mystery Mall (did I just create Heaven or WHAT?!)…these two morons are raising money to display paintings of MK&A dodging the paps in NYC. No seriously, here are some examples…it’s BLASPHEMY.

2. Country Fire Flames.

It’s beginning to be that acceptable time of year where I don’t get downright depressed when listening to country music because it’s the dead of winter. Now that we’re getting closer around the bend to nice weather, I’m happy to bump this new jam from Jake Owen and pretend I live somewhere warm and full of southern gents.

3. Nothing is sacred. 

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High School Musical 4 is in the works because WE CAN’T JUST LEAVE WELL ENOUGH ALONE. Seriously? High School Musical worked because when it came out the Disney channel was still cool and their original movies still rocked real hard. Now, the disney channel’s leading show is a fakeout sequel of Boy Meets World that really is just about two weird and annoying 6th graders who wear heels every day to middle school. Stop ruining shit, Disney. You’ve done enough.

4. Blue Ivy Rulez, Everyone else Droolz.

Look, we can dump all over the halftime show all we want but don’t say Uncle Chris tossin Blue Ivy around didn’t just explode your ovaries, ladies. Seriously, be cuter. YOU CAN’T.

5. Fuller House Season 2 Confirmed.

I’m not going to sugarcoat it. I got Fuller House over with as fast as I possibly could. The writer who said it was the worst pilot this year wasn’t being ridiculous. It really was. What’s even funnier is that Stamos is now teasing an Olsen twins comeback for the second season. They pretty much took a dump all over the twins in several very pointed and unfunny lines of dialogue in Fuller House so what they should be hoping for is the twins’ decision not to sue them. I don’t think they’ll be returning for season 2….I encourage everyone to watch this show so I can have a compadre to make fun of it with but other than that…no. Just no.

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Bonus: Obviously it was a light week for the JUice…but on the good news side of things, The Salty Ju is currently working on expanding into the business world of the internet…and by that I mean I’m working on selling my suuuuper KEWL pop culture-y mugs for all ya’ll. So get revved up for the debut of that next week. I know, I know… how are you supposed to sleep all weekend knowing that’s coming atcha?

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Television

SB50 Recap

As always, don’t expect any sort of sports analysis here, unless you want me to discuss in detail how I wore a fictional football team jersey yesterday and made my sister take a picture of me tapping the top of her doorway so I could re-create the CLASSIC Friday Night Lights intro. Riggs was NOT in the game last night, and the Dillon Panthers did NOT win, therefore it was a snooze. Here’s some highlights and stuff…

If you closed your eyes and just listened, Lady Gaga’s national anthem killed it. If you had your eyes open, you had the unfortunate task of guessing if she was really feelin it, or if her eyes were being weighed down by 5 lbs of glitter shellac.

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I’d like to personally thank Lady G for tossing a Christina Aguilera riff in the mix, complete with jazz hands, because it made me laugh out loud.

I only know who Jerry Rice is because he made a cameo in One Tree Hill at Jimmy Jam’s birthday party one year. If he had worn these sunglasses he would’ve scared all the kids.

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I didn’t know Danny Zuko played football! Grease LIVE is so hawt right now.

REAL disappointed with the assortment of commercials last night. Last year was all about kids dying, this year was all about inanimate objects talking? Either way, sook city. ALSO WHERE THE HELL IS THE BUDWEISER CLYDESDALE AND PUP?! C’mon guys! You have ONE JOB. (Realistically they don’t and they probably didn’t need an ad at all with the real subtle plugs Peyton “I drink beer” Manning gave after the game no less than 5 times.) But anyway…

Duds:

Michelob Ultra trying to make us think that their beer is for people who’ve gone real hard at the gym and just want to hydrate themselves a little. What I took away from this commercial is that I get equally as out of breath when I walk up the stairs, so does that count as me “going the extra mile”?

Snickers is becoming more known for their celeb cameos and this one had a few, but what I can’t get down with is using holograms to bring back dead actresses. If Marilyn Monroe was going to come back via CGI you can bet she would’ve wanted it to be for something a little more scandalous than a Snickers commercial.

-Lil Wayne is still alive and he’s doing a commercial for Apartments.com to the plot of the Jeffersons. What year is it?

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-Hey look guys, Steve Harvey is in on the joke! LoL TMobile 4ever!

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-Christopher Walken closet was so under-used it wasn’t even funny. Kia really blew it by taking a classic joke and turning into a lame car commercial.

 

Nightmares:

-Let’s just toss a bunch of aliens together to represent taste testers of Mexican avocados. What do aliens and Mexicans have in common? That’ll go over smooth as guac. (Bonus points for being SO pop culture savvy with the black and blue dress & Scott Baio. No that wasn’t a typo…SCOTT.BAIO.)

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-Mountain Dew came back through with an image that I wanted immediately seared from my brain once again. Last year was a twerking dog, this year is puppy monkey baby. Isn’t it SAH CUTE? Now watch it rip your face off and twerk all over your dead corpse because it had a sip of the toxic lava that is Mtn Dew.

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-The fact that my entire family didn’t know what a Marmot was is probably telling about how much time we spend in the wilderness. My sister thought it was a squirrel. Either way, kicking it with a large furry rodent and going in for a smooch is a quick way to end up in my nightmares section.

-You know what’s kind of jarring in human form? Steven Tyler. Let’s turn him into Skittles art!!!! Then have his large candy mouth sing Dream On from the floor. At least they didn’t show his feet.

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-If the NFL was trying to paint a nice picture of cute kids singing about how they were conceived at the Super Bowl, I think they’re glossing over the deets a little here. Once upon a time, mommy was exhiled to the corner with her girlfriends to toss back wine and get ready for the halftime show, while daddy sat on the couch covered fingertip to elbow in hot sauce, shoveling wings and bud lights down his gullet while shouting at the TV. Mommy made bedroom eyes at Daddy from across the room (well Daddy thought they were bedroom eyes but really the dessert was just put out on the table behind him) and it was ON. They closed the night out with some pretty gassy sex. The end. Football IS family. At least Seal got a second chance at fame, though. Good for him.

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Kinda Funny:

Hyundai is repping their new whip where you can literally tell it to start and it does (whoa, technology) which allows some teens to narrowly escape a couple of bears. One bear just wanted to check out their ride, but it turns out the other actually wanted to eat them, cause it was his cheat day from a vegetarian diet. Hey Bear #2, same. I was ONLY cheating last night. DEFINITELY not all weekend.

-Hyundai must’ve really had their A team on the case this year because they also imagined a town full of Ryan Reynolds to the soundtrack of “What a Man” and I couldn’t have dreamed of anything better to be honest.

Doritos kills it just about every year and they were pretty much the top dogs of this year. Their first ad was a live look at me when I was still in my mom’s belly jonesin for a cheesy snack. The second one was about dogs trying to get their hands on some ‘ritos and I can always get down with a dog commercial. (Unless they’ve combined dog body parts with human and monkey body parts.)

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-Prius shows us that their cars can be driven by hawt-ass criminals and not just environmentally conscious dads who wear hemp shoes. They pretty much nailed how the world reacts to quirky stories with “The Prius 4” taking the media world by storm. I thought we were watching a real show when they asked a random girl which one she thought was the hottest. It’s sad because it’s true.

-It’s embarrassing when a commercial where the premise is the Shock Top orange boom-roasting a comedian ends up on the funny list but I actually cracked a laugh or two at this. Rough collection last night.

-Amy Schumer 4 Pres though. We can get rid of Seth probably. I’ll be VP of Bud Light because I basically already am judging by the amount of Bud Lattes I splashed down my throat Saturday afternoon. I’d 100% vote for the Bud Light Party over Donald Trump. Jus sayin.

-Honda gives us a nice pack of harmonizing goats singing “Somebody to Love” and I continue my quest to get to the bottom of HOW they make animals mouths move like that?! Seriously, I understand that I graduated in video production but like HOW DO ANIMALS TALK ON TV?!

-Drake entertaining a bunch of cellphone company squares as they shoot him suggestions for the Hotline Bling video was pretty great. The fact that it was T-Mobile was even funnier. It’s so adorbs how hard they’re trying to still be a thing.

 

HALFTIME SHOW (SPONSORED BY PEPSI IN CASE YOU FORGOT):

Sneaky start for Coldplay as they gave us a taste of Fix You before bursting into Viva La Vida. I could’ve done with more of Fix You, if we’re being honest. My high school obsession with that song where I would drive around and have all the feels really could’ve come out to play there. ANYWAY, Viva goes into Paradise and then their new number. (And I’m pretty sure that’s it for Coldplay songs…like they could’ve smashed out a medley of their greatest hits and they did like three songs. Yikes.)

There’s a whole lot of kids, which is something I never signed up for. I’d prefer to see Janet’s nip again than see a bunch of teenie boppers jump awkwardly onstage or play the viola.

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The décor for the evening was psychedelic chic apparently, as an array of colors were thrown up onto the field and all over the stage for a very San Fran hippie feel. The theme for the vocals was “out of tune.” I was under the false notion that every halftime performer had to lip sync. It was VERY clear that Chris Martin was not on that train. His voice sucked, but hand claps to the light up heart in his pocket and rainbow safety pins clasping his pants togetha for being supes kewl.

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Suddenly Chris is kicked off his own stage to make room for DJ Jazzy Mark Ronson to spin a 2-year-old song and Bruno to sashay around with a leather gang and halfheartedly lip sync it. I commend Bruno for surrounding himself with child dancers his own height so he doesn’t get a Napoleon complex.

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Beyonce marches onto the field in a onesie and is like okay, enough, enough, Bruno and performs hot off the presses “Formation.” She gives the internet a new treasure trove of weird face gifs.

It would be wrong of me not to declare that as a part of the beyhive, this performance was prrrrrettty rough. It probably didn’t help that I was in a room full of Beyonce-haters. There were cheers as she almost toppled and I nearly covered my eyes. B, act like you’ve dropped it down low before.

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I’m assuming she almost ate it because she’s a little more top-heavy lately (aren’t we all?)…might have something to do with her carrying hot sauce in her purse but that’s neither here nor there.

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While Coldplay is still nowhere to be found at a show they probably payed millions to play, B and B have a dance rumble where Beyonce towered over Bruno and easily could’ve hip checked him off the stage and then Chris was like hey guys, remember me?

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All three sang while a montage of performances past was shown and WHOSE HALFTIME SHOW IS THIS?! Once we’re done watching everyone else’s epic performance, the three take the stage with a bunch of local high school girls itching for their 15 minutes of fame and tossing their hair real hard to pretend they also have a personal fan pointed on them. Bruno blends right in with the kids, in fact I almost lost him onstage for a minute. AND THAT’S IT.

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Oh yeah, and Beyonce apparently announced a world tour and even though I missed it, my dad assured me it was flashing across a message board wrapped around her thigh. (Note to self: never let the men in my family see my 3x as thunderous thighs.)

I’m just spitballing here but wouldn’t it have made the most sense for Beyonce and Chris to sing the duet THEY JUST RELEASED? Eh, whatever. Hey Chris, you tried.

Winners: Peyton Manning’s bank account as he cha-chinged his way through the post-game with talk of how he’s just a regular joe who likes pizza and beer. He just wants to kiss his wife and kids, but first he wants to lay one on Papa John, his business partner who he also kisses apparently. After the game he’s gonnna drink a whole lot of beers, but not just any ole beer. BUDWEISER. WINK.

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Anabelle Bowlen. I wonder if her and Pat like to talk and not talk for hours.

The Real Winners of last night:

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JUice

Weekly JUice

Week of 1/4/16

HEY GUYS. Welcome to 2016. I took two weeks off from the JUice to properly shove Christmas cookies down my gullet and lay around in my PJs. ‘Cause that’s what the holidays are all about. You know what the holidays are NOT about? Having your family fat shame you and then suggest a weight loss competition. Thanks for ruining Christmas, G Family. Anyway, we’re back and better than ever exactly the same. New year, same Salty, yo.

1. Barstool is taking over the world, as they should.

I’ve been reading Barstool Sports since I was in high school (shout out to the bro-in-law for introducing me to the smut world at a young age)…and now I’m old. So it was pretty cool to see that this website and these bloggers that I’ve been fangirling over for so many years have taken steps to become a massive national brand. I didn’t know what blogging even was before Barstool, so ifso factso, they invented blogging. They’ve essentially been my source for news for the past 7 or 8 years, and I’m not even a little bit embarrassed to admit it. I can’t wait to see what they’ll do with an HQ in NYC and many more resources. But most of all I’m anticipating what will happen when they end up merely blocks away from Buzzfeed.

 

2. Yeah? Yeah.

Unless you’re living under a rock, you know that Making a Murderer quickly became that new hot shit over the holidays for Netflix binges. Although it’s not for everyone (there’s reading involved), I would highly recommend it not just for the juicy police corruption content–but more importantly for the accents and midwestern culture. I literally felt like Wisconsin was on another planet as I watched this–courtesy of my sister’s Netflix account because I am nothing if not a Grade A mooch. (Thanks Lexi) There’s nothing worse than having show FOMO. Start watching so we can LoL about Brendan Dassey giving a written criminal confession with the word “bombfire” in it togets.

3. Magic Mike 3 is a must-see. 

I’m kind of torn now. Do I like Channing’s original pony dance? Or do I like his wife reenacting it and forcing a lap dance on him where she pretends she has a big dick that she’s aggressively swinging at his face? I don’t know what to think. All I know is that was entertainment. Certainly triple makes up for Channing doing “Let it Go” and ruining my life forever. I can’t even see the screengrab of him as Elsa without getting it stuck in my head. HOW IS THAT POSSIBLE?! WHEN WILL FROZEN DIE AWAY FROM ME FOREVER? PS nothing is more obvious that Lip Sync Battle has absolutely nothing to do with lip syncing anymore than having two professional dancers on the season premiere. Double PS: need a new host, stat.

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4. Fuller House is a real tease.

These new pics were released because Netflix is going to milk the shit out of owning the Full House comeback. As they should. What have we learned from these stills that we don’t already know? Kimmy’s style has evolved from a light up dress and neon socks to cat cardigans from Urban Outfitters. Steph dresses like a hooch. And DJ looks like a kewl mom. And of course, good to see that they couldn’t buy a bigger couch to fit the rest of the fam on when they come to visit probably every day. Actually, now that I think about it, I wouldn’t be surprised at all if Danny lives in the attic apt and Joey still lives in the basement. Jesse and Becky have a mansion elsewhere, obviously. They’ve served their time sleeping on a bed that folds up to the wall.

5. Queen B usurps her Halftime Throne. 

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It has been confirmed that Bey will grace us unworthy ones with her presence at the SuperBowl halftime show with Coldplay. I don’t think I need to remind anyone how epic her halftime show was in 2013. As if we didn’t already know how big of a deal Beyonce is, they somehow got her to appear during Channing’s “lip sync” of Who Run the World for .2 seconds, flip her hair, do one booty shake and abruptly leave. That’s how little Spike TV can afford Queen B. So you can imagine what it might cost for her to casj drop by the SuperBowl. Anyway, I’m officially excited for this year’s halftime show…I will be 1000% less excited if the rumors that Bruno Mars is also popping in are true. Don’t ruin a good thing.

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JUice

Weekly JUice

Week of 11/30/15

1. British Invasion SuperBowl.

Before the news broke that Coldplay would be doing the halftime show this year, they released a song with Queen B (Listen Here.) Now that I think about it he was probably buttering up the Beyhive (all of America) so we would be more accepting to the halftime show news. Look, if I can’t have Taylor Swift (and we all know she deserves a halftime gig) then I will settle for Coldplay. They’re good shit and as long as they don’t allow gorillas to dance around the stage, I accept.

2. Sandra’s New Nugget.

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Sandy adopted a little girl named Laila and now she’s got two kids and a silver fox boyfriend so like obviously her life is fabulous. I actually don’t have much to say about this gossip because I don’t love children a whole lot but I’m just happy that Sandra is winning life after all that drama with her dirt ex-husband. People don’t forget, Jesse.

3. MK Gets Married.

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Last weekend Mary Kate Olsen married bro of French pres, Olivier Sarkozy, who’s pretty old. I’m obviously going to need a little time to cope as 1/2 of my childhood twin idols married a French geezer and had bowls of cigarettes at her wedding. When did it all go wrong? Also lolz to the fact that I’m assuming this is Olivier’s child pictured below and MK is the same height/looks like she’s the same age–the only way you can tell them apart is the way that MK is clutching onto that cigg with a death grip.

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Here’s to many more years of creepy pictures and dark cloaks that smell like stale smoke, you two! (I assume that’s almost exactly what was given for a toast…it’s like an enchanting nursery rhyme)

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4. Princess Charlotte is precious.

Because we’re all so obsessed with the Royal fam, they were like I guess we’ll throw those trash Americans a bone and released new pics of Charlotte around Thanksgiving. She is quite literally the second most beautiful baby I’ve ever seen. (First born George takes the W, obv.) If Will & Kate had a Facebook I don’t even think I’d hate it if they posted a daily photo of their kids like I do when everyone on social media whose ever birthed a child does. THAT’S how perfect their babies are. Highest compliment I could probably ever give.

5. Harry gets Tatted on TV.

1D goes on the Late Late show to play Tattoo Roulette and obviously they make it REAL dramats trying to make you think that it’s possible James or tat-free Niall might have to get inked. Realistically you know from the start it’s going to be Harry because he gives 0.0 F’s and has a trillion tattoos already. Yet it was still pretty entertaining to watch.

Also leave it to James to have Billy Crystal just chillin and get a member of 1D to sit on his lap:

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Television

Super Bowl 49 Recap: Bitch Killed My Vibe

DISCLAIMER: There will be absolutely not talk of football in this recap. It was a close game and that’s all I understood. This is strictly commercials & halftime talk.

The Sunday Scaries are a very real thing. It’s the end of the weekend and you’re done boozing/sleeping and back to the work grind the next day. The Super Bowl is a rare Sunday where you can extend the weekend just by a little bit with friends, buffalo dip, wangz and beer. Except for this year apparently because every advertiser in America got together and decided funny ads are overrated…let’s do something different this year…let’s make every ad real heavy and depressing while everyone’s trying to have a good time. IT’LL BE AWESOME. Here are the most memorable moments of wrist-slitting commercials:

TWERKING. Any and all mention of this were in attempt to be funny and on trend and were really just sad. An actual dog twerking is everything I never knew I was afraid of. Also the “What is the internet?” commercial with Couric & Gumbel had potential that was curbstomped by the mention of twerking.

Chevy thinks they’re clever AF and has an ad that cuts to black- making everyone in America think that their overpaid cable company has ruined their night. Hey Chevy, we get it, we all rely on technology way too hard–it’s like when someone farts at a party, we all know it but it doesn’t need to be pointed out.

Coca Cola takes on internet bullying and tries to tell us that by spilling a bottle of coke, everyone on the internet stops being assholes and gets happy, instead of just having a really sticky soda mess.

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Nissan kicks off the sobfest with a little live action Cat’s in the Cradle. Literally CAT’S IN THE CRADLE. ARE YOU TRYING TO MAKE ME UGLY CRY? I’M GONNA BE LIKE YOU, DAD, YOU KNOW I’M GONNA BE LIKE YOU. Hey racecar Dad, pay attention to your son before he offs himself.

-Of course the most uplifting commercial of the night award goes to Nationwide for their storytelling of a kid who is listing all of the things he never gets to do and hey quick spoiler alert: it’s cause he’s dead. Why is he dead? Because of an accident. Did you know that the number one cause of childhood deaths is preventable accidents? WELL NOW YOU DO BECAUSE A DEAD KID RUINED YOUR SUNDAY NIGHT. Three cheers for the internet though because they got their hands right on that and made it surprisingly upbeat:

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-An old guy losing his viagra and not being able to make things happen apparently has to do with the Fiat. Sad Boner Jamz.

Go Daddy tries to sneak it by us that they totally didn’t release a commercial a week ago that promoted puppy abuse by airing an ad tonight that’s sympathetic to small business owners not being able to watch the game because they’re working. Wompp womppp. People don’t forget, you puppy haters.

-A collection of quite literally the oldest people in America giving everyone life advice, it’s supposed to be uplifting because they set it to the tone of Born to be Wild and showed a bunch of Dodges doing donuts but in reality it made me think about how these people are 1000 years old and probably had their licenses revoked 20 years ago and will be dead by next month. C’mon Dodge.

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McDonald’s tries to inspire some tears with their “Pay with Lovin” campaign and they ask people to call their mom or do a dance as a form of currency for their 4 Big Macs that they’re probably going to house in their car and dispose of the evidence…This is the happiest I have ever seen any human working at McD’s. Nice try. Gimme my burger and let me eat my feelings. Get outta here with that nonsense.

Jeff Bridges stared at someone and shouted “OHHHMMMM” while they slept. Still trying to figure out what that was advertising.

-Kim K poked fun at herself, omg guyz she’s soooo humble and has SUCH a good sense of humor. Also this ad made me learn something new, T-Mobile is still in business and is doing well enough to afford Kim K (and later Chelsea Handler, Sarah Silverman) AND a Super Bowl spot. Mind bottling. (Another cell phone company I thought was out of biz: Sprint, and they should be after using screaming goats in their ad.)

Always does a “let’s take a real hard look at feminism” commercial where they ask boys vs. girls what it looks like to run like a girl and fight like a girl, etc. Of course the boys make us all look like baby bitches who suck at life and it makes everyone remember that boys are part of the He-Man Woman Haters Club. I’m surprised they also didn’t remind us at the end that we don’t make as much as men either. ENOUGH WITH THE DOWNERS!

-New TV show called “The Slap” gets a slot to show us that they’ve centered an entire series around an adult slapping a child. (Props to writers for that astute title.) THIS IS REAL NETWORK TELEVISION, GUYS. Rough night for kids though, dropping dead and getting slapped.

Funniest of the night:

The new 50 shades trailer/teaser with Christian showing Anastasia to his play room and she asked if that’s where he kept his XBox. I believe this is the only commercial I laughed out loud to and it wasn’t supposed to be funny.

Too Deep:

-The ad that used a voiceover of JFK talking about how we are part of the sea and we will return to the sea while showing majestic oceans and skylines was for CARNIVAL CRUISE LINES? I’ve been on a carnival cruise line and they should be sued for the whole load of bullshit false advertising they just laid on us. The only acceptable ad for Carnival should be dirty kids everywhere and a cruise ship full of people standing on the decks learning how to tighten their life vests because that LITERALLY sums up that cruise.

Jeep showed inspirational landscapes and shots from all over the world to the tune of This Land is Your Land. Uh, nope, I’m pretty sure you can’t drive your Jeep through Asia. T it down with the worldly travels of a car.

Overrated:

The several teasers of the Rally commercials that show celebs “getting ready to rally” and the final product is a full spot of just a bunch of different people screaming. Cool. #SuperBowlRally

Best of the bunch:

Mindy’s Nationwide commercial mostly because it didn’t involve dead children and also because Mindy is the bees knees. She thinks she’s invisible until she goes to lay one on Matt Damon and he’s like grl, chill. She tries to snag a selfie too.

-The Budweiser Best Buds commercial, obviously. We all saw it beforehand but it didn’t make it any less adorbs the 20th time around.

-The Bud Light commercial, because I would also like to get hammered and play human Pacman while everyone cheered me on.

-The Jamaican rap and slew of middle aged fanny pack wearin’ dancers for a glue called Loctite.

-The Snickers Brady Bunch recreation–I guess just for the guest roles, because I still didn’t think it was hilarious. Clearly searching for commercials to include in this list.

Halftime Show:

I’m not a Katy Perry girl…as you all know I’m on Team Taylor 4 Lyfe–so I wasn’t looking forward to this show but I’ll try not to be too harsh because I do agree that after having like 6 solid years of old geezer halftime shows because the network was a little nipple-shy, it’s a welcome change to have pop stars performing again. Here’s the show highlights:

-KT opens with Roar and rides in on a mechanical version of the Cave of Wonders, Boy from Aladdin. She’s wearing a replica of the Flamin Hot Cheetos bag.

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-She does Dark Horse next and there’s lots and lots of robots. Also cool 3-D stage effects that entertain me more than her singing does. (Note: everyone on Twitter who said she sounded great, it’s because her vocals were mastered in a studio, not sung live. DUHz.)

-Lenny Kravitz appears wearing an open leather jacket and a sparkle tank from Forever 21. They sing I Kissed A Girl and Katy gets real rock n’ roll by flipping her ponytail a lot. Lenny is then excused to return to the land of blanket scarves and irrelevant singers.

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-OUTFIT CHANGE: Beach Ball coordinates and a trippy beach scene straight out of Gullah Gullah Island is set up for Teenage Dream and California Girls. There’s sharks (with legs), palm trees and beach balls all with googly eyes and moving mouths. So basically Katy wants to give us all a new nightmare theme. I can assure you it’s stuck in my mind forever. Seriously the beach balls are stoned, right?

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-There’s also a hideous 50’s polka dot bikinis and matching sneaks dancing segment:

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-My main bitch Missy Misdemeanor Elliott appears and SAVES THE SHOW. She’s wearing a Nascar jumpsuit and sings Get Your Freak On and Work It with Katy mostly just dancing in a jacket and no pants. As she should be. Don’t get in Missy’s way. There’s some video game effects, Katy contributes almost nothing and Missy whips that sassy weave around, performs Lose Control and goes back into musical retirement I’m assuming. Which is a real shame cause she kills it.

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-Final number is Firework and Katy dons a sparkle star dress, suspended in the air and riding over the crowd on the More You Know Star and DUH there’s fireworks. Lots of them. The End.

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Grade: Better than last year’s but WILL NEVER BE BETTER THAN:

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FINAL SCORE: PATRIOTS WIN BECAUSE THEY WALKED OUT TO CRAZY TRAIN AND THE SEATTLE SEAHAWKS WALKED OUT TO BITTERSWEET SYMPHONY LIKE A BUNCH OF 13 YEAR OLDS AT A SLUMBER PARTY.

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