JUice

Weekly JUice

Week of 10/26/2020

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1. This Turned Around.

After months of releasing short sneak peeks with the basically 1 day of footage in the can before Corona hit, the Saved by the Bell reboot must’ve finally been able to film enough for a full trailer. My sister and I (avid SBTB stans and judgmental AF) fired it up for a joint viewing and we were READY to barf all over their attempts at preserving a childhood classic. But then we…insert gasp here….LAUGHED and ENJOYED this trailer. From the sassy student questioning AC Slater’s once cool but incredibly impractical backwards chair sit right into a bunch of grown up high school friends reviving their band for a rousing rendition of “Friends Forver.” My sister and I were RIVETED. Well done, Peacock, you sure know how to swindle a couple of idiots into watching a show that probably won’t be good at all but WE’RE ALL IN. And not to be forgotten–Lark Voorhies AKA Lisa Turtle who if you might recall had a completely different face about 5 years ago and was suuuupes scary lookin’ has also confirmed her return via this official photo. She’s looking GREAT but unfortunately in the same article People.com pointed out that she was not originally included in the reboot and then went on Dr. Oz and wah-wah’ed about not being included and now here we are. She has a pity invite. It’s like Gilmore Girls cutting out Sookie all over again. Nothing more embarrassing than admitting publicly that you weren’t invited back (especially when you’re in the company of Dustin Diamond…yiiiikes) and then getting the late ask. Can’t wait to see how they rope her in from her fashion job in NYC for about five minutes.

2. Wait, what?

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@blakeshelton yes please! 💍🙏🏻 gx

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No joke I thought this happened roughly 3 years ago. I genuinely wondered if they had gotten married yet or if they were just going to stay engaged forever because they’ve both been divorced. So when I saw this news my first thought was AGAIN?! And then I realized they were never engaged and I just thought they were because they live inside each other’s BHOLES doing The Voice together and basically every song they release is a duet now about how much they love each other and living in the country and whatever. SO yeah, Congrats to the happy couple, your relationship has been shoved down our throats for so long that you managed to surprise me by JUST getting engaged. I assume we will all be a part of the ceremony as well. Also, I just read that the proposal was a surprise and for that I cannot be on board. If I thought you were already engaged and I’m in Syracuse, NY and I’ve never met you two, then MAYBE SOMEONE IN THE ACTUAL RELATIONSHIP MIGHT PREDICT A PROPOSAL IN THE FUTURE. Sorry. I got heated. I just think that’s dumb to be shocked by something that everyone else already thought happened. Ok bye.

3. Kim is 40 Now, But Still An A-Hole.

Kimmy K turned 40 and ruffled A LIIIIIIITTLE (ok A LOT) of feathers with the above self serving AF post. Could she have flown her “closest inner circle” (hundreds of people) to a private island and celebrated and kept that moment to herself without splashing it all over IG? Yeah, definitely considering no one knew they did it to begin with. But nope, ya girl Kim needed to share that news (and 900 full-glam photos) with the world…and not just any ole world, a world that is in flames as people have financial troubles and ravaging sickness. Nobody was pleased with this information. In fact, my favorite reply that I saw was “I’m really happy for you. My dad died and we couldn’t have a funeral.” BOOM. ZING. ZAP. Nothing gets more tone deaf than this post. I lied. It’s 10000000x more tone deaf to think you’re being self aware and acknowledge that it’s a hard time for everyone but you’re PRIVILEGED. Hey everyone, I know your life probably sucks right now but I’m privileged so I got to rent out an island and fly everyone out for my 40th birthday celebration. THIS IS 40! LOLOLOLOLOL. I thought we were done with Kardashian faux-pas for the week and then Kim’s like not yet, y’all!! She then shares this very personal birthday gift that she received from Kanye.

If you watched that without cringing your face off then I don’t want to know you as a human being. This is a hologram most likely created from home videos…and everything that Robert is saying was written by Kim’s husband. How do we know that? Oh because Robert tells Kim “You married the most most most most genius man in the whole world.” WHAT PLANET ARE WE ON?! I wanted to ask how Kim hears that and doesn’t wonder for a second why her husband just made a gift from her dead dad about HIMSELF and then I remembered that Kim was filming this to share on social media and you know what? Those two really are perfect for each other. Kimberly and Kanye 4eva. The most most most most self absorbed couple on this earth. (PS once KUWTK goes off the air, do we think this family will learn to have a private personal moment, or will the show continue through their social media platforms? Get back to me on that.)

4. Bye, Bitch.

Timing lined up nicely for The Vow to finish and Keith to be sentenced like a week later. If you didn’t read my Doc O’Clock blog, you missed out on me slobbering over The Vow–a docuseries about Nxivm, the cult that originated in the mecca that is Clifton Park, NY. Though I still recommend it as a must-watch, I do so less enthusiastically after the last half of the series DRAAAGGGEDD and then they tossed in a little cliffhanger of an interview in prison with Keith at the end to get viewers to tune into season 2. I will tune in, but I’ll be annoyed about it. They fell into the common doc trap of making something twice as long as it needs to be and repeating the same info over and over again. On the other hand, I feel like they did a great job of making me hate Keith Raniere and being in complete awe of the fact that this schlub who forces people to watch him play volleyball every night was revered by ANYONE. So I was ecstatic to hear that he got 120 years in prison this week. BYE BYE YA CREEPAZOID. Hope you find a lot of mouths to kiss in prison and they let you start up a prison volleyball league: sweatband mandatory. And not for nothing, but how could one single soul watch Keith preach to a group of men that all males are “hungry fucking beasties” about sex and not immediately believe he belongs in the slammer. The writing was on the wall with that one. GOOD RIDDANCE, VANGUARD.

5. Sad Face.

Since I posted Chrissy’s heartbreaking insta from losing Jack, I also want to post her blog that she put out there this week as her first time speaking about everything. Mostly because I razz on Chrissy A LOT for being annoying on social media, but what I’ve learned is that she’s actually a phenomenal writer and she’s had to go through this publicly and has managed to put all of these emotions and experiences into words to comfort other people who can’t. And that’s something I admire, because I may be a writer but I write outrageous things to try and get people to laugh, I don’t often go deep. I feel like that’s a pretty boss skill to have. So anyway, don’t read her blog unless you want to cry. I also LOVE that she put naysayers in their place by saying she does not care at all what they think. I can’t imagine what it’s like to go through something horrible publicly and then have people chime in hate on top of that. So good for her. Suck it, losers. (See what I mean about not being able to write like a mature adult?)

BONUS: I’ve recently spouted off about how much I hate that politics finds its way into every facet of life this year and how triggered everyone is and how much it makes me want to rip my hair out…HOWEVER, politics completely aside, red, blue, purple, liberal, conservative, tea party, THIS IS THE MOST PREPOSTEROUS PHOTO I’VE EVER LAID EYES ON and I beg you to look at this photo just as it is, with no implications and allow yourself to laugh hysterically.

Weezy F Baby with a turtleneck layered under a knit sweater, tossing us a TOTAL DAD pose of the thumbs up. I will laugh at this for the rest of eternity. TYSM.

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JUice

Weekly JUice

Week of 9/7/2020

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Today is 9/11 and I’m not sure that I’ve ever posted a blog on this day but it feels really cheap to post nonsense about celebrity garbo without at least acknowledging the day. This morning I read the following blog that was written 2 years ago, but I never took the time to read it before. It’s a personal perspective of someone who was working in Manhattan on that day and lost family members and friends and I thought it was really moving and well-written and a reminder of what a big deal that day was because it can often get lost in the years (especially for people like me who do not live in or near NYC) so I’m sharing it with you. CLICK HERE TO READ

1. RIP to E!’s Kash Kow.

The world had begun to believe this day would never come. After TWENTY seasons of Kardashian’s on our TV getting married, divorced, arrested, knocked up, and going on lavish all-expenses paid vacations and then threatening to leave said vacations when there was a slight conflict…the era is officially ending. Once we witnessed as a world the transformation of Bruiser to Caitlyn Jenner…I felt like the Kardashians would dominate our televisions forever. It just didn’t seem like there was anything they wouldn’t film and yet they’ve finally decided that after building E! up and basically creating reality TV as we know it, it’s time for them to move on. They’ve officially become TOO famous for reality TV. As someone who religiously watched this show from its birth up until Kim married Kanye AND someone who wrote an entire research paper my semester abroad on how the Kardashian’s are actually savvy businesswomen (this gives you a little taste of what college is like in other countries…one of my greater pieces of work) I can honestly say that it’s probably time for these a-holes to go. I drank the Kool Aid, I watched all the spin-offs, and then just for shits and giggs I flipped on a recent episode this year to see what they counted as quality TV these days. The episode covered a massive fight between Kourtney and Kim because Kim held a birthday party for North in Mexico, filmed it for the show and Kourtney ended up paying for the crew and security’s flights out there for a birthday party that wasn’t even her own kid’s. And that’s where I draw the line, folks. Reality TV in itself is pure dumpster fire flames hot garbage. It’s called a guilty pleasure for a reason. HOWEVER, when it gets to the point where the show that you’re watching is covering fights about how their production team isn’t paying for their own flights to film the very show you’re consuming? That’s a little TOO real. This should’ve been settled in negotiations. I don’t want to see how a reality show is made. That’s not what I’m signing up for here. ESPECIALLY because all of these people are loaded and a flight to Mexico is equivalent to me buying an ice cream cone for myself. I want to see Kim call her siblings RUDE and hit them. I want to see Scott rip EVERYONE a new asshole, mock Kris Jenner directly to her face and then prank call her later pretending to be Todd Kraines. I want to see Kourtney and Khloe act like 14 year olds together and give me new stupid phrases that I can say or talk about how they put mayo on their vag to make it softer. I want to see a marriage crumble before my very eyes in the most cringeworthy fashion (cough cough Kris Humphries.) And you know what? We’re just not getting that content anymore from the Kardashians. They’ve gone full celeb-mode and can’t be bothered with reality TV. And that’s fine, just get them the hell off of my TV. Make room for the new crew…

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I’m just kidding this show looks awful too. E! just might need to cut their losses here. Their LIVELIHOOD was the Kardashians. I swear you could turn on E! at any point in time and they’d be playing some version of a Kardashian show. It’s either that or Sex and the City. There’s no in between. If E! was really smart, they’d not only rotate their old reality TV shows but also bring a few back. They played a marathon of Married to Jonas the other day and I sat immobile for a solid 4 hours just watching the magic that is Danielle Jonas trying to speak on camera. I also got to remind myself that Kevin Jonas went HAM on some crawfish in Louisiana before a music video shoot and had to leave set abruptly due to a mean case of the crabby runs. All of this brought me great joy. Jessie James and Eric Decker’s reality show? Bring it back. These are the people that are just on the CUSP of mega-stardom that create quality trash TV. They’re willing to do or say anything on camera no matter how dumb it makes them look and these are my peeps. Hell, if E!’s looking, give me a reality show. My sister and I make ourselves pee our pants from laughing at the stupidity of people in this world on the daily. We’ll entertain the masses. Just the other day we jumped in her pool after a few cocktails and she convinced me that because I ate so many clams that day, I’d sink to the bottom like a clam. I was legitimately scared to jump in. See? DUMB PEOPLE THRIVE IN REALITY TV. Anyway, I got carried away there (or did I just pitch a new show?!) Either way, I can’t report this news without drawing attention to the fact that the announcement came from Kim, still proving that the one who starts it all with a sex tape, gets the last word. Never forget “OH SHIT, RAY J” and the sex tape that started with just video footage of her feet at the beach. What a wild ride it’s been. May it remain in our memz foreva, especially if I’ve had a few cocktails.

kimmykcry

2. Nathan Scott Off the Market.

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She said yeah 🙌🏼☺️

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This is only important news to those who grew up wishing Nathan Scott would be their husband (at an unreasonably young age, high school marriages FTW) and would spend the rest of her life watching him make a free throw without looking, to then jump into his arms to celebrate. Underwear Slushee: Population – ME.

Ok, fine obviously James Lafferty is his own person and not a fictional babe soda who plays basketball and got married to a touring singer at 16. Congrats on his engagement, mostly because I approve of his choice, Alexandra Park of The Royals fame. It appears as though Marc Schwann may have been a real dirtbag, but he did manage to put James and Alexandra in the same stratosphere by creating both of their shows. So there’s that. These two have been very hush hush about dating but as a real Grade A internet creep, I’ve known they were boning for years and I support it wholeheartedly. If anyone’s going to have baby James, I’m cool with this Aussie babe. EVEN THOUGH it pains me to break up The Royals ship of Eleanor and Jasper. (Especially because those two have more pics together on social media than who they are actually banging) Yes, I’m aware that I’m far too invested in fictional relationships. That’s what happens when you’re eternally single and have the maturity of a 14 year old girl writing in her diary every night and re-watching teen soaps.

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w/Jim – photo cred Fellini aka @stephencolletti

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I expect none of you to watch the following very obnoxious fan vids for each fictional couple, I’m literally just posting them for my sister because if we’re going to talk about two top notch shows and the couples that made them, I would be a terrible fan to not include some highlights of their best cheesy, smoochy mo’s (yes I abbreviated moments, DEAL WITH IT) set to a dramatic soundtrack.

Wishing these two every bit of REAL LIFE success. Ya know, without cheating scandals, limos flying off bridges on their wedding day, assassination attempts, etc. 

3. Goldberg GLOW-UP.

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I’ve reported on many 90’s child stars who have had extreme run-ins with the law in their adult years. Since I have pointed out their misfortune and wondered why I had such raging childhood crushes on several cast members of The Sandlot who turned out to be wife beaters and various other 90’s gems who took to the hard stuff…I feel it is also my duty to report on when they’ve turned things around. This will be the first time I’ll get to report this to date. As you’ll recall, the funny chubster who farts a lot turned out to be a meth-head tweaker. WELLLLLLL…he’s been living in a sober house, he’s clean, and he’s got a new set of chompers and BOY OH BOY what a difference that makes!

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We’ve got the old Goldberg back, folks! I don’t have to throw out my t-shirt after all! He’s literally a completely different person from the creature pictured above and I’m real proud of him. Keep on keepin on, G-berg. 

4. Fall SUCKS (Pls read in Sandler shouting voice.)

Hi, it’s me. Ya girl who is OBSESSED with summer and would live on a tropical island if it meant that the sun would be baking my skin for every second of my existence and I could listen to the ocean waves and have salty beach waves foreva. When summer begins, I’m the happiest person alive. When summer ends, I’m the saddest person alive. I don’t care about your pumpkin beers or your football or your apple picking. Summer will forever be my jam and I’ll scream it from the rooftop. Score one point for me not being a basic betch. We’re already in that September sweet spot where everyone is yapping about that fall chill and cozy blankets from Homegoods and Pumpkin Spice. And I’m jamming my fingers in my ears and screaming LALALALALA as I strap on my bikini again and continue to go in my sister’s pool even though the temperature is drastically dropping. Why am I going on this rant, you ask? Cause it’s my blog and I do what I damn well please. But also, because I’m real dry on celeb news this week and I’m reaching into the nethers of the internet to come up with this “headline.” We’re already getting a taste of Halloween, because obviously with basic betch Fall comes spooky szn. If we’re being real, Spooky Szn started in March and hasn’t stopped yet. So let’s see how we’re gonna handle going to strangers homes and eating their candy in a pandemic. But regardless, Netflix has a deal with Adam Sandler to keep making his Happy Madison flicks and this one is the latest. I smashed play and got excited for a new funny Halloween movie to add to the mix, then watched this trailer with horror–not the fun H-ween kind.

You’ve got a stacked cast of Sandler’s usual suspects and basically every member of SNL past and present. Oddly missing: Rob Schneider with a lazy eye. Although, potential spoiler alert, he’s probably the creature causing all of the creepy mayhem. So to tack right back onto my shitting on Fall theme, this movie stinks. It’s not even out yet, and it stinks. There is no one on this earth that needs Sandler talking in a weird voice that changes from scene to scene for this Halloween season. Give me a seltzie and the beach and let’s pretend this never happened. 

5. New Beats.

Two parter for “new song Friday”, a feature that I only include when I’m desperado for things to include. The first song courtesy of my girl Demi and the “DJ” that just wears a marshmellow with a face on his head. It’s a fun lil 80’s dance vibe with feel good lyrics. Because when Demi tells me it’s ok not to be ok, I believe her. Thanks gurl. I am very much NOT OK. But you know what? That’s ok right now. Cause Demi said so. The second song was discovered via TikTok (I’m such a youth now) and I immediately grooved my face off to it. Lotta flack for this gent saying it’s not real country, but guess what, not all country needs to be Garth Brooks, so let’s relax. Everyone’s mixing genres these days. Let it happen, bro. Great pool/beach song for when you’re in denial about summer ending like MOI. (As I sit on the couch in pants and a sweatshirt, still cold. FU world.)

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JUice

Weekly JUice

Week of 5/25/2020

This the kind of week that separates the men from the boys. The wheat from the chaff. Will I, The Salty Ju, have the talent, wit and charisma it takes to make a week full of NOTHING going on, into entertainment? If by the end of this blog you have not giggled one time, you may request a refund through the service department of what you believe your time spent reading this was worth. If your time, much like mine, is worthless, then shut the hell up and I’ll see you next week: same time, same place.

1. Reunions Galore.

If I had to guess who would reunite for fanfare and/or charity during these trying times, I’d have to admit that the cast of Cheaper by the Dozen isn’t even in the same stratosphere of the iconic shows or movies that I would list. And that’s probably why I love this so much. Cheaper by the Dozen was a GR8 family flick. It had sexy Ashton Kutcher in his heyday, Hilary Duff hot off of Lizzie McGuire and Metamorphosis, staples like Bonnie Hunt and Steve Martin as the loving but maybe a little too horny parents (a more modern and less religious Annie & Eric Camden, if you will), the sassy little back up dancer from Missy Elliott’s music videos and sidekick of Mike’s Super Short Show on Disney, another babe soda Tom Welling, and then a whole mishmosh of new kid actors teaching us how to best make our parents lives miz with small pranks. It was most certainly birth control in movie form. And yet, you couldn’t help but tear up when the redhead who is super into frogs gets called FedEx. It had it all. And then the sequel debuted Taylor Lautner as the hot kewl kid across the lake and as a 6th grader I realized that I had a thing for boys with a nice bronze glow. Either way, I feel like Cheaper by the Dozen can easily be forgotten when in reality, most people in my age bracket probably have a soft spot for it and now maybe want to give it a nostalgic re-watch. So I’d like to thank whoever organized this little throwback (I’m assuming it’s Hil Duff because she’s been real into the reunions lately) because I live for “where are they now” articles basically just so I can see what child actors look like now and this was one in video form. Notably missing: Steve Martin. Guess he got a little TOO big for his britches. Can’t even toss us a bone by doing a TikTok for the movie that MADE him. PS: Piper Perabo must’ve really had to reach deep for her reenactment. Stand still and look hot. Eye roll. Show us some range, sista.

2. Boob Reduction.

The world’s fave Twitter cool girl has overshared that she’ll be getting her fake bewbs out. Apparently people were a little heated when she instagram-live’d her COVID test, because it sometimes appears as though those with unlimited cash flow seem to have the privilege of a doctor coming into their home for a personal test that people are literally lining up on city sidewalks to get…but not Chrissy. She’s just keeping it real, yo. She didn’t request that a home visit testing be administered—noooo it was her doctor who requested it before she gets an elective surgery during a national pandemic to get her full C’s out. God, people can be so judgmental. STOP BEING SO NOSY EVERYONE AND ASKING A CELEBRITY HOW SHE GOT A COVETED COVID TEST. She’s sick of not being able to zip her dress over the boobs that she chose to have put inside her body. Have a little sympathy, assholes. Let her LAY ON HER BELLY for Pete’s sake! And really, here’s the actual reason I relished in posting this very pretentious piece of celebrity news…”What? Making your tits smaller, that’s like slapping God across the face for giving you a gorgeous gift.”

I watched this movie so many times when it came out that I can easily quote it line by line. I know Chrissy is choosing to get rid of implants–not necessarily getting a breast reduction, and yet this scene still applies. Cause as soon as she’s un-bandaged, I’ll be refreshing her insta hoping to catch a glimpse of those warlocks.

3a. Swifties Attack the BK Lounge.

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I’m gonna go out on a limb here and say that fast food social media is some of the best you’ll see. You can tell they understand the power of wittiness and social media marketing and if I had to guess, they employ youths straight out of college to run their Twitter accounts. There have been so many times that fast food accounts have gotten into snarky twitter battles or used memes or pop culture references to promote product/get attention  and it works EVERY time. This is one of those times where I will not back the Swifties. Y’all don’t have a sense of humor if you can honestly say tweeting BURGER KING with what is your favorite Taylor Swift song and getting back “the one about her ex” doesn’t illicit a giggle and a “good one.” Nothing about this tweet was mean and it was a well-placed comeback. I don’t think we need to burn the BK Lounge at the stake for an innocuous joke. These little Swiftie stans started #BurgerKingIsOverParty from this one tweet. Obviously the tweet was deleted and if we’re going to be roasting Burger King about ANYTHING it’s going to be for the time they made the Halloween whopper with a PITCH BLACK HAMBURGER BUN that turned everyone’s shit green.

Burger King Halloween Whopper

Well, everyone who was gross enough in the first place to eat it. So in retrospect, they deserved the Leprechaun poops but BK for sure needs to be put on blast for that holiday marketing fail more than a funny joke about how Taylor Swift writes songs about her exes. (Can also argue that the King himself who just creeps around in all their commercials could take a beating as well…) I bet you Tay read that tweet from her house that she bought with the money that she made from the songs that she wrote about her own life and was like HAHA sick burn, BK. Their recovery tweet also deserves a hat tip:

YOU COME AT THE KING, YOU BEST NOT MISS! (but furreal thank God they got rid of this cheeto-dusted Jesus lookin plastic ass head with an eternal smile and lifeless eyes. NIGHTMARES.)

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3b. Jack Leopards & the Dolphin Club

Aside from their beef with BK (pun intended) Swifties also made waves this week for sniffing out another “clue” dropped by their almighty Queen Taylor. After putting out props for a cover of Look What You Made Me Do that apparently was featured on the show Killing Eve, those little rats dug deeper to find out that the band Jack Leopards & the Dolphin Club doesn’t actually exist and Taylor’s brother Austin at one point had something about a dolphin club on his social media and the producer on the song was Nils Sjoberg (the fake name she used on Calvin Harris’s song that she wrote) and Jack Antonoff somehow had a tie to these clues as well and I don’t know I can’t keep up with all of these people creeping for internet breadcrumbs. The moral of the story is that Scooter Braun/Scott Borchetta/Big Machine bought the rights to Taylor’s entire body of work and she very publicly told them to F off and that they were big bullies capitalizing off of her hard work. So now apparently Taylor will make up fake band names in order to re-record all of her old songs. I’m not sure what is legal and what isn’t here and why she can’t just use her own name and talent to make a point but if there is going to be a sneaky way to her re-releasing each song, I’m out. If I may use her own words to explain how I feel: And I’m like I just I mean this is exhausting, you know. Also, this version sucks. It’s terrifying and creepy and could pass for the Burger King mascot’s theme song.

4. Scott & Sofia Are “On A Break.”

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You know I’m desperado for goss when I’m stooping down to Kardashian level. Back in the day when I KEPT up with the Kardashians, Scott was always my fave because he said what everyone else was thinking. He had no problem making fun of how stupid these B’s were. Unfortunately, things took a turn when he literally crumbled right before us on reality TV with his parents both dying and then turning into a real partying mess. It seemed (through the tabs) that things had turned around and he and Sofia had been together a few years now and they were doing that new age thing where the exes take family vacations with their kids and their new sig oths and everyone just gets along like gangbusters. So at first it seemed like it would be a fling because of the casj 16 year age difference but clearly they proved everyone wrong. Except that Scott recently went back to rehab and I’m guessing that’s when things started to head downhillskis. Obviously everyone is wishing for a Kourtney and Scott reunion, which much like Brad and Jen, I think we can all put to bed almost immediately. I love that America is so gung-ho about re-coupling famous people whose relationships ended in fiery flames. Like obviously they all get along now, years later but let’s not forget the shitstorm that happened during these breakups. Scott was a mean alcoholic who once shoved dollar bills in a waiter’s mouth in Vegas on camera and Brad cheated on Jen with Angelina Jolie. Did I mean to make a parallel between reality TV stars and America’s sweethearts? No, but I rest my case. Everyone stop shipping terrible relationships. Or else.

PS shout out to Khloe Kardashian for getting an entirely new face and thinking no one would notice when she’s spent her entire adult life on camera 24/7.

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location: under bitches skiiiinnnnn 💋

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5. What? Like It’s Hard?

Halsey

This falls under the category of news you never knew you needed. This is proof of what we in the pop culture blogging biz call a SLOW NEWS WEEK. Halsey who once wore open silk PJ’s on a red carpet chose quarantine to show us all up. She’s already got the voice of an angel and a booming music career but now she’s going to study to take the bar exam. Because why the hell not become a lawyer too?! Ya girl can’t even secure one career and now I’ve gotta deal with greedy bitches like Halsey who just decide to dabble in them all! I think I speak for everyone when I say, do less. You’re making us all look bad.

“Law is fun but hard.” COME ON!!! You’re reading a book called Constitutional Law. I almost fell asleep writing that. And to toss a hot bod bikini pic in with it?! Damn, Elle Woods, all that’s missing is the bend and snap!

BONUS: Weekly Update on my blossoming TikTok Career.

@thesaltyju

I depend on packages for happiness these days. Today was NOT a good package day. At least I’m not Lori Loughlin. #fail #onlineshopping #fyp

♬ original sound – cidcurry

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JUice

Weekly JUice

Week of 2/18/19

1. Jamal Lyon is a snitch bitch. (Press play while reading)

When this story first broke I honestly thought it was a plot point from the latest episode of Empire. As a once fan (and recapper) of the ridiculous show before it got to be a little TOO outrageous even for me, a racial/homophobic attack on Jussie easily could’ve been a story line for the Lyon fam. In fact, I think it was at one point. Which is probably where dum dum Jussie cooked up the idea. Except instead of locking it up with no way to pin him to this crime, like Lucious did when he killed Bunkie, he executed the sloppiest hack job of all time. Let’s quickly run through the deets and hard facts/evidence that they’ve collected so far. Jussie wrote himself hate mail and had it sent to the studio where they shoot Empire. No one really noticed or took action. So then he hired two extras (also black), paid them VIA CHECK $3,500 and then had them go to a local convenience store to buy the supplies for said attack, where they were clear as day caught on surveillance. (LOL to the fact that at the end of the checkout, one of the guys puts his hood up. Good job, bruh.) Then he called them a bunch of times before and after the alleged attack. After being “attacked” he refused to release his phone and/or phone records. But also went on GMA to sob about what happened and say there were a lot of misconceptions out there. The balls on this kid to book an interview the week after he’s attacked and put on that performance. He’s finally been arrested and charged with filing a false police report, yet he’s still arguing that he’s innocent. Police say he did this because he was unhappy with this salary. And this is the point where I fly off the handle. He makes roughly $65,000 per episode. PER EPISODE. YOU KNOW WHAT I WOULD DO WITH JUST ONE CHECK FOR $65,000? SO. MANY. THINGS. None of them include self-inflicted injuries, JUSSIE. UGH. Gawd. I’m done. Get him out of my face. JK I’m not done because as I was writing this Fox released the following statement:

“The events of the past few weeks have been incredibly emotional for all of us. Jussie has been an important member of our EMPIRE family for the past five years and we care about him deeply. While these allegations are very disturbing, we are placing our trust in the legal system as the process plays out. We are also aware of the effects of this process on the cast and crew members who work on our show and to avoid further disruption on set, we have decided to remove the role of ‘Jamal’ from the final two episodes of the season.”

byeeeeeeeeeeeeeee

2. Kris Jenner Back At It.

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You know that I typically like to avoid including the Kardtrashians in my blog but game respects game and when you see Kris puppetmaster Jenner/Kardashian(?) pull another scandal out of her bhole, you gotta just sit back and clap for that sneaky B. Keeping up with the Kardashians season 6 zillion premieres on March 31st. CONVENIENTLY, it comes out this week that Kylie’s BFF, roomie & makeup partner Jordyn went to bonetown with Khloe’s baby daddy Tristan Thompson, who has basically been cheating on her since they started dating. The story “leaks” and suddenly you’ve got every Kardashian and the BFFS that haven’t stepped out with their mans going in on social media. They all unfollow Jordyn, she gets kicked out of Kylie’s house, they’re putting up videos singing along to Find Your Own Man. It’s like the WWE smackdown of Kardashians vs. this 21 year old ho they made famous. (I’m allowed to make a WWE comparison because I watch Total Bellas.) Everyone is riveted by it and sitting back with a bowl of popcorn to watch the ratchet drama unfold. In the meantime, Kris writhes her body over stacks of hunnids in a room just filled with cash in her Calabasas mansion. Don’t you think for a second that Jordyn wasn’t offered a deal to be the kingpin of hoes in this storyline. Girls’ got her eyelash line and a fat wad of cash (Kris gives cash on shady deals, she doesn’t pull out the ole checkbook like Jussie did) to keep her warm at night.

3. Miranda Lambert Stole Found The Love of her Life.

This was last week’s news but it took a few days for the ole snoops of social media to get the real scoop on this guy who no one knew. And it was WORTH THE WAIT. Brendan Mcloughlin is a NYC cop, who Miranda met while performing on GMA and having a concert that same night where Brendan was the police detail/crowd control. Bren-dawgs is my age (26.5), was once an aspiring model, oh and also was engaged at the time he met Miranda, with a pregnant girlfriend as well. After I publicly declared in May that I was no longer #TeamMiranda (read about it here), she seemed to lay low for a while, sensing that she was losing a loyal follower because of her infidelities. Obviously, this ended real quick and it seems as though she has found her soulmate of cheaters. Brendan’s fiance found out he was cheating from his 7 month preggers girlfriend who was living with him at the time. *Allegedly* YOIKES. His baby was born the same month that him and Miranda started dating (November) so there was obviously some crossover. Let me be the first to say that they are a match made in heaven and the latest in the Hollywood trend to get married after dating for fifteen minutes. Best of luck to ya!

4. Gaga is Single.

Lady Gaga and her fiance who I literally knew nothing about have split. Obviously everyone is shipping a Gaga-Bradley union and to that I say, There can be 100 people in the room and 99 don’t believe in you, and just one does. And that can change your whole life. I mean literally, change it. Guess we’ll have to wait and see. Oscars are this weekend. Your move, Bradley.

5. Weekly Dose of Tasteful Nudity.

I always like to post the latest Calvin Klein campaign because who wouldn’t want to feast their eyes on a glossy six pack and judge the size of the guys’ package tucked into some briefs? This campaign features A$AP Rocky, Noah Centineo, Kendall Jenner, and Shawn Mendes. Since I’m a 13 year old girl (and because it wouldn’t be a competition with A$AP), let’s check out how Noah and Shawn fared.

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@CalvinKlein #MyCalvins. Campaign coming this week.

A post shared by Shawn Mendes (@shawnmendes) on

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@calvinklein by @_glen_luchford #mycalvins

A post shared by Noah (@ncentineo) on

Point to Shawn for Abs, Point to Noah for Package. Looks like we broke even here, boys. TYSM for participating. Also here’s a nice laugh from my favorite British doughboy, James Corden to round out the week.

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JUice

Weekly JUice

Week of 9/25/17

1. Kardashians Multiply Like Gremlins. (shouts to This Is Us)

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What a whirlwind of pregnancy announcements it’s been since last Friday. As soon as I published last week’s JUice, it hit the airwaves that Kylie Jenner is expecting a child with her rapper boyfriend who I didn’t even know she was dating. Kylie is 20. This “announcement” (even though no one from the fam confirmed it) came hot on the heels of their 10th anniversary special on E so ya gotta know Kris Puppetmaster Jenner was behind the whole thing. Still debating on if it’s a hoax that was used for ratings because we know everything must be on brand for this family and a borderline teen pregnancy doesn’t REALLY seem on brand. THEN at the beginning of this week it comes out that Khloe is pregnant as well. With her NBA boyfriend. JEEEZEEEEE. Again, no verbal confirmation from the family that never shuts up but I’m led to believe that Kris will be next at this point. Because you KNOW she needs to be a part of the attention and drama. Also fun fact: Kim and Kanye are expecting via surrogate. So basically, blink and they will multiply. And also, tune into their show because THEY’VE BEEN RAPING OUR TVS FOR 10 YEARS NOW. WUPH. (PS in case you were wondering I scooped everyone I know on both pregnancy announcements and it was a high like no other.)

kuetk

2. RIP Hef.

hef

That dirty dirty old man finally kicked the bucket and the world will forever remember him as a legend. Hef basically made sex slavery trendy and we were all fascinated by it. How does a man in his 70’s and 80’s have multiple girlfriends? I ate that shit right up. I watched the TV show and read all the articles. NEEDED to know the system that was in place that put one boobalicious blonde above another in the hierarchy of girlfriends for one geriatric gent. What were their roles? How often did they have sex? Regardless, when I heard the news of his passing I mentally gave a shout out to Crystal, his latest wife who is probably still in her 30’s. I was like wow, good for you girl. You snuck in at the bell, lived in his mansion and probably didn’t have to sex him up because he was beyond old as dirt at that point and now you will collect riches and have your full life ahead of you to start over. Except maybe NAHT because rumor has it he didn’t leave a dime for her. In which cause that BLOWS. But is also hilarious. Hef pulling one last prank from beyond the grave. GOTCHA, Crystal!!! Thanks for the blowies! (Is what I imagine he’s saying up in hussy heaven)

3. JT does LII.

jT

This isn’t really official yet but I want it to be SO bad. A JT halftime show is BOMB. He puts on the best show I’ve ever been to and I might just have to win the lottery and attend the actual super bowl, put up with bullshit football just to see this go down live. You know he’ll have MAD musician cameos because everyone loves him and the medley of fire hits would be unstoppable. I’m literally salivating as I type this looking forward to a halftime show for the first time since N*SYNC Britney and Aerosmith. Could it be a little risky because the last time JT graced the Super Bowl stage he pulled Janet Jackson’s nip out for the world to see? Kind of. But it’s been years. Give the guy a second chance to redeem himself. But also, nips are old hat. You’d have to do a whole lot more to shock today’s America and I’m ready to see what he has in store for us. LETZZZ GOOOOOOO.

4. JLD has breast cancer.

Well this sucks. She wins her 6th Emmy (breaking actual records) and finds out the next day that she has cancer. This wasn’t a happy scoop that I gave. BUT hopefully it will be when she beats it and everything will be fine again and she’ll keep slaying at every awards show ever.

5. Watch Channing Move DEM HIPS.

Yeah I get that it’s been two weeks in a row of me tossing in a James Corden vid but he’s just so goshdarn likeable. PLUS Channing. AND Magic Mike. Cue Ginuwine…and the weekend.

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