JUice

Weekly JUice

Week of January 24, 2020

Your favorite feature is back because everyone’s just blabbing their faces off in Hollywood this week and I am EATING IT UP. Also I don’t have a job, so like what else would I be doing with my days?

1. Jessica Simpson TELL – ALL.

Open Book by Jessica Simpson CR: HarperCollins

I’ve never hidden the fact that I was a Newlyweds SUPER-fan, like to the point where I would youtube old episodes in college and pray for Jess & Nick to reunite. I just felt like they were destined to be together, yanno? Well, they weren’t. And my naive little pop culture heart just wanted my two favorite hottie pop stars to talk about chickeny tuna forever instead of realizing that they met when they were teenagers and got married at 22 and that’s a straight recipe for disaster. Anyway, that’s not the point of this blurb–the point is that Jess released a tell-all book that has been DOMINATING the headlines this week. There were some tidbits about her marriage to Nick and her time with John Mayer sexual napalm bad boy of Hollywood but the biggest bombshell is that she was a closet addict for like A LOT of years. Through her entire career up until 2017 basically and HOW DID WE NOT KNOW?! Jess reveals that she was sexually abused as a child and that’s partially why she coped with alcohol and pills…it also didn’t help that we were calling her a heffer every single day that she didn’t look like she did in her Daisy Dukes prime. Yoikes. That’s on us, Jess. Sorry bout that one. But also let’s circle back to John Mayer and how he has the WORST rep with the ladies. There’s the ever popular Dear John about him taking advantage of Taylor Swift, and now there’s Jessica Simpson talking about how she felt like she needed to have all eyes on her texts, checking for grammar errors to be smart enough to bang J.May. Also, she literally says he was obsessed with her. Well-played, Jess. Maybe we’ll get another Continuum out of him from this.

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2. Taylor Swift SHOW – ALL.

Countdown begins until I park myself in front of the TV on January 31st and don’t blink for two hours soaking in every detail that Taylor is willing to divulge to me. The biggest tidbits to come from this so far after the trailer was dropped this week is that Taylor’s mom has a brain tumor and Taylor once had an eating disorder from pap photos pointing out her stomach. That stuff is sad and all but did YOU SEE TAYLOR DROP AN F BOMB IN THIS TRAILER?! LET’S F**KING GOOOOOOOOOOO. She’s taking her damn life back and “it feels fucking awesome.” YAASSS KWEEEEENNNNNNN. Ok but seriously though y’all already know that I drool at everything Taylor Swift does and real talk I just want to know everything about her life EXCEPT politics. If this documentary is heavy on the political talk, I’m out. Fingers crossed we just get some good ole fashioned gossip and not a lecture on voting. Also, No:

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3. Car-pull Karaoke.

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So this is a thing everyone is outraged over this week and I’m baffled as to why. Are we really that dumb as a group of people? Don’t answer that. A fan saw James Corden filming Carpool Karaoke and took a picture and outed him for not actually driving the car and the world went BUH-NAN-UHS. They feel shocked and cheated and lied to and HOW DID YOU IDIOTS THINK THIS WAS FILMED? There’s like several cameras and angles and they have to be set up in the windshield to get the whole car ALSO this segment is purely for entertainment and he’s focused on dancing and singing and talking to these passengers HOW DO YOU EXPECT HIM TO ALSO NAVIGATE LA TRAFFIC? My God you’re all morons. There’s literally times where the car is moving and James has no hands on the wheel and is looking fully at the star in the front seat. Did y’all really think he was that talented of a driver? Listen, I’ll level with you, when I found out that MTV used to pull LC around LA in her BMW convertible ON THE BACK OF A TRAILER, I also was heated and felt like I had been betrayed. But then I thought about how if I try to change the song on the radio, I almost run myself off the road so it’s really asking a lot of celebrities to multi-task this much while driving and I’m ok with that. I’d rather see James and JLo text Leonardo DiCaprio about hitting the clubs than have his hands on 10 and 2 driving through town.

4. Breakup Tats.

What do you do when your 8 year relationship just ended and everyone knows about it? Get a sunflower tatted on your boob and flash it up on instaG so your ex sees that you’re doing just FINE. Tale as old as time. Women are so predictable. Either we get new hair or new ink, either way we gotta show that we’re still hot but only to the person who dumped us because no one else matters. (Meanwhile, my ex only goes on instagram to watch videos of people falling or crashing into things and I could post a boomerang of me doing jumping jacks naked and it wouldn’t even be on his radar.) So Vanessa, GET IT GURL, win the breakup for all of us singles. Three whole posts for a little tit ink. Eat your heart out, Austin.

5. The JoBros Are Crushing It.

Look, I was never a Jonas Brothers super fan and to be perfectly honest, they showed 0 personality at their concert and I was expecting a lot out of them because they do shit like this and they’re hilarious. I will give them all the props in the world though because they have CRUSHED this comeback. I feel like every day of the week they’re dropping something new or doing something zany. They’ve got funny tiktoks, they can pound beers (or Nick’s personal tequila), they drop fire flames singles and then toss out music videos banging their hot wives to accompany the jamz. Now they’ve got a residency in Vegas, I guess? THEY LITERALLY CANNOT BE STOPPED.

I mean seriously, they said they’ve got a surprise in store for their Grammys performance and I’m salivating at all of the possibilities. If it’s just having the J Sisters hooch it up and get macked on by them onstage, though, I’m out. Like enough of that. We get it, they’re hot and you love them. I’m over it. I’m not over this song though cause it slaps real hard.

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JUice

Weekly JUice

Week of 9/18/17

1. Dave Grohl.

I’m gonna be honest, when Peyton and Brooke wrote Dave Grohl on the hot guys list on her closet door, I was like meh, seems like such a Peyton “I’m a brooding emo rocker” thing to do, I don’t really see it. And then I see him do an interview or watch a live performance and I’m like YUP. I get it.

One Tree Hill Character Quotes

In kind of related but not really news, I gave two weeks notice at my job, which has landed me in the sweet spot that everyone must find themselves in at some point where you have two weeks of kind of pointless time at your job. You’re finishing things up but not really starting something new, because why start something new when you’ll just have to hand it off anyway. And thus, I found myself putting my feet up and watching this lengthy carpool karaoke on full screen while at work. Sorry not sorry. Whatever, it was a good one. I mean seriously, how often do you hear of someone having their broken ankle/leg held in place so he can finish out a concert? Baller status.

2. Audrina pulls an Audrina.

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So apparently Audrina and Australian Corey are getting a divorce BUT the real JUice lies in the fact that she also has a restraining order against him. They have a baby and got married a few months after she was born but it’s now coming out that he’s been abusive for essentially their whole 10 year on and off relashe. Not to make light of abuse because it is certainly not funny, but while reading an article on People covering the news, Audrina LITERALLY quotes that she thought having a baby and getting married would make him better. Insert thinking face emoji x a billion. Also again, not to add fuel to the fire, but as a devout Hills fan who watched Justin Bobby LITERALLY make out with a hideous red head right in Audrina’s grillpiece and then have her continue to date him for a few more years….yiiiiiiikes.

3. NIALL ❤

Even though I once declared that Zayn won the post-1D solo act, I’m willing to go back on my word and admit I was wrong. It’s like all Niall needed was to get his braces off and he’s full blown man now. All of his solo hits have been ah-mah-zing and he’s just so mature and soulful now. Between the old man scally cap that he casually wears to pints with his mates and the straight on-camera stare at the end, I was like whoa, Niall is here to stay.

4. BTS Pile full of Tays.

Remember when this video came out and I was genuinely like, I studied film and still don’t understand how she did this pile and made it look so realistic? Yeah, well I wish I didn’t learn. Because it made it 100% less cool. Come on Taylor, leave a little mystery there. Also, you don’t need to make yourself more relatable by acting awkward. We know you’re awkward, gurl. Let us enjoy LWYMMD for what it is…you clapping back and looking like a real badass dime. DON’T RUIN IT.

5. Full House of Lies.

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It’s the 30th anniversary of the premiere of Full House, expertly coinciding with the release of their third Netflix season of their hot garbage revival, Fuller House, and therefore the entire cast is raping the press this week trying to get more views so they can keep making unfunny television that sullies the Full House reputation. Regardless of all that… Jodie Sweetin just admitted via some interview that she’s never seen a full episode of Full House and I CALL BULLSHIT. I mean COME ON-you were on the show for how many years and now there’s a full revival of it?! How ridiculous is that to not have been able to fit in one single 20 minute episode in the past 30 years. And I love her bullshit Hollywood excuse of, oh we don’t have cable. SO?! YOU WERE IN THE ACTUAL SHOW. Bets are you got a DVD set at some point! This whole thing just enrages me and I’m wondering if I’m just taking out my disappointment in Fuller House on Steph because she said something stupid. Could be, but I WON’T TAKE IT BACK.

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JUice

Weekly JUice

Week of 7/18/16

1. Pippa’s in the news again, not for dat ass. Pippa Middleton, known for having a killer a$$ at the Royal Wedding, is engaged. Her ring is kewl I guess (not as kewl as Kate’s for obvious reasons), but what I’d really like to chitchat about is the discovery I made this week via her engagement announcement.

London Celebrity Sightings - July 21, 2016

pippajames

Her fiance is James Matthews, who is basically just a rich businessman–but what I discovered is that James’ brother is Spencer Matthews. I went down a rabbit hole of British reality TV winter break during my last year of college..mostly because Bravo played a full week marathon but regardless I got far too attached to the show Made in Chelsea, which can be summed up as the British version of The Hills. So you can see why I was hooked. Juicy, trashy TV with sexy men who make everything sound classy just because of their accent. SOLD. Anyway, what I’m getting at in this very descriptive back story is that Spencer was essentially the more badass Brody if we’re continuing with The Hills comparison. He was sexy but he had a lot of bad boy to him and played two chicks REAL hard. His main love triangle included Caggie who essentially was the LC of Made in Chelsea–in that she was way too good for that trash and eventually “moved away” aka realized that appearing on MIC was probably ruining her career.

caggieandspencer

I shipped Spencer and Caggie real hard until I realized how scripted everything was and that they pretty much never dated IRL. The show went downhill real fast after Cagz left. Either way…SPENCER IS 1 BAZILLION TIMES HOTTER THAN JAMES. WTF, Pippa?! I mean, I’m guessing she doesn’t want to stoop to a reality star who may or may not have a coke/sex addiction’s level but James seems like a real snooze to be engaged to.

And that’s my forced two cents on that. Also fun fact: when the show was clearly struggling they brought the She-Pratt into play as a whole cross-country storyline. That’s when you know a show is failing…when your last ditch effort is to hire Spencer Pratt’s sister to join the cast. YIKES.

stephguineapig

1a. I JUST WANNA SMUSH HIS FACE. Keeping on the topic of America’s obsession with all things royal fam. Prince George turns 3 today and is still the cutest little chap on this earth. Seriously check out that mug in his annual birthday photoshoot. What a lady killer he’s gonna be. (Also well on his way to be poster boy for Vineyard Vines with that whale accent and jazzy pocket tee) I’m more excited for Pippa’s nuptials for the purpose of seeing more adorbs pics of the royal kiddies. PS Tossing the pup into the photoshoot was thought of JUST to explode every female’s ovaries, right?

2. Another 1D’er going solo, how original. 

Yeah, yeah, yeah tell your story walkin, pal. It’s not news once the band has already broken up and Harry Styles is shooting a movie that you’re going solo. Best of luck topping the sexual awakening of Zayn and color me unimpressed for now. Not for nothing, but I feel like I majorly overlooked the fact that Liam is high up there in the hotness rankings of 1D. I mean he’s obviously hotter than Louie but seeing his Twitter avi really bumped him up a few notches for me. He might be stealing the #2 spot from Zayn. Harry is first for sex appeal reasons. I can’t explain it, I just feel it. We’ll see how Liam does solo first before I can declare that furreal.

liam

3. This week’s celeb splits–not the gymnastics kind. I’m very depressed to report that Joshua Jackson and Diane Kruger have ended their relationship. My heart breaks for the Pacey-obsessed tween that still lives inside of me. They were together forever in Hollywood years and always killed it on red carpets. Fashion forward AF. They also weren’t obnoxious and in everyone’s faces about their love–which I truly appreciate. Pour some out for the loss of a gr8 couple this weekend, guys.

jjdiane

I’m not as depressed to report that Lady GaGa and Taylor Kinney have separated for the time being. Long distance is hard on them and Gagz has asked that we all root for them to get back together in the end. Look, I can only root for one celeb rekindling per week and if I had to choose I’m going with Diane and Joshua. Tough luck, guys you should’ve picked another week to announce your breakup. Plus I was out on you two the minute that you had sex for art and made us look at pics of you covered in paint and boning. Think about that next time you ask for my T’s & P’s.

4. I’d like to see someone wear this as an adult. 

LFsweatshirtScreen Shot 2016-07-22 at 2.35.52 PM

Lisa Frank decided to make a large comeback this week by announcing a new clothing line. Did I love the SHIT out of my LF pencil boxes, folders and lunchbox? Hell to the yeah. Would I ever want to wear a sweatshirt with pastel-colored animals on it as an adult? Hard no. It’ll be interesting to see who actually buys into this. My guess is that Katy Perry will be rocking this ensemble with pink hair knockers in her pigtails at her next big appearance. (Those pink dolphins straight KILLED it back in the day though.)

5. Need more Missy in my life. As an avid fan of this James Corden bit, I’m big enough to admit when one sucks. And sorry, but Michelle Obama isn’t that interesting. I get she’s doing it to plug her charities and girl power projects but other than that this was a real snooze. It made the cut this week ONLY because Missy makes a cameo for Work It–a complete banger–and I seriously need her to get back on a regular schedule of fame. She teased us with the Super Bowl cameo in 2015 and then disappeared again. I need more than her and a puppet dancing to Pep Rally in a commercial for a Siri-knockoff. Her pointing to everyone else in the car to sing her song and flipping that weave in the backseat gave me life. Especially when James F’ed up every word and she just gave him a look like, yeah I do that too. So basically, just watch 11:20-13:38 for mah gurl Missy. Because realistically she should have her own Carpool Karaoke.

BONUS: Alex Pettyfer gave us a reason to forget that he’s a known Hollywood asshole. MORE, MORE, MORE!!

So there’s a little throwback lady boner for all to take you into a lovely weekend.

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JUice

Weekly JUice

Week of 5/2/16

1. THE KING IS BACK. 

When JT started teasing new music this week, I almost had to change my undies right on the spot. That’s how much I missed his beats. And him, in general. As I type this it’s Thursday night and I specifically stayed up 10 more minutes to hear it when it dropped at midnight. AND OBVIOUSLY IT’S FIRE FLAMES. When does summer officially start? May 6th. Put it in your science books because JT just started summer with this bangpiece. (Just so we’re all on the same page, we’re all pretending this isn’t a song for animated trolls.)

2. I mean, obviously.

Look I’m not a huge shipper of Gwen especially after she started dating Blake Shelton and the two of them tossed it in everyone’s faces constantly because they started banging on a show they both worked on (how original) but bring in Clooney and Julia Roberts and I’m sold. I mean seriously, I can’t sit still for 10 minutes without checking my phone or gazing off into space but these 10-15 minute carpool karaokes keep me riveted.

3. Let’s go back, back to the beginning. I follow the former Laguna Beachers on Insta specifically waiting for a moment like this. No seriously, if I unfollowed them and missed this it would sooook, which is why I put up with all the posts about how they’re so grown up and getting married and having babies and totally distancing themselves from when they were dumb high school idiots who threw bougie black and white parties and benefits at a hotel just so they could drink. Anyway, if this isn’t a teaser enough, something’s definitely brewing in the Laguna world with the B-list stars. I mean seriously…who invited Christina and Morgan to ever participate in anything entertainment related again? I’m also guessing JWahl is slumming it because his addiction appearances with Dr. Drew were drying up. Try all you want but ya’ll will never be LC. (Making Bambi inspired t-shirts for Kohls.) JK, JK. If you want to reminisce about Laguna before whatever this might be airs, check out my prized and well researched ‘Guna blog here.

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And……. Here we go! @alexmurrel

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Let's go back … Back to the beginning 😜

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4. A peek into my future if I have accidental kids. Female ensemble comedies are all the rage these days and here’s a new one about being shitty moms who like to party.

5. Tha Carters bathe in money. Beyonce dropped Lemonade a couple weeks ago about how Jay cheated on her, essentially cashing in on the ‘vator scandal. And everyone’s like ooohhh ahhhh, Jay-Z better WATCH HIMSELF. Uh, CTFD, this is obviously a business plan and part 2 is Hova’s response album. Cha ching, cha ching TIIDAALLLLLL. I wouldn’t be surprised if Blue hopped in the studio next for an exclusive Beyhive Jr. album. Anyway, I approve wholeheartedly. The world is a better place for getting to hear marital drama play out on spicy new songs. Plus the graphic tee world needed a refresh from all the “But first, coffee” tees and “Becky with the good hair” is a fine place to start. So thank you, Illuminati.

BONUS:

Their eyes are photoshopped right? Either way, Team Logan 4ever.

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